CHAPTER THIRTEEN

CHAPTER THIRTEENIn Which Josiah and Serenus Depart Sarahuptishusly for Coney Island and I Start in Pursuit

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CHAPTER THIRTEEN

IN WHICH JOSIAH AND SERENUS DEPART SARAHUPTISHUSLY FOR CONEY ISLAND AND I START IN PURSUIT

That afternoon I see Josiah and Serenus leanin’ on the barnyard fence talkin’ dretful earnest, I spozed about the Plan. But when I went to put my milk pans in the sun I hearn the same old story Coney Island! Dreamland! Luny! Bowery! etc., and I hurried into the house. When Josiah come in he sez, “I guess I’ll invite Serenus to go with me.”

Sez I, “Why should you invite him to go to Shadow Island?”

“Oh he’s got such good judgment,” sez he.

I felt dubersome, but bein’ so mellered in sperit by his consentin’ to build the cottage I didn’t stand out. And they started the next mornin’ at sunrise for Shadow Island as I spozed. Till the next day but one Miss Gowdey come over to borry a drawin’ of tea and she sez,

“Serenus and Josiah are havin’ a gay time at214Coney Island. I’ve jest had a card from Serenus.”

You could have knocked me down with a pin feather. But so powerful is my mind, though it seemed to roll to and fro under my foretop and my knees wobbled under me, I did up the tea with marble composure and a piece of paper, and she sot off with it, and then I fell into a rockin’ chair with almost frenzied forebodin’s. What!whatwuz Josiah Allen doin’ in that place of folly and fashion? Could he keep his innocence amidst the awful temptations? I’d hearn there wuz places there where folks stood on their heads; wuz his brain strong enough to stand the jolt?

Spozein’ them iron horses should kick him over? Spozein’ he got wrecked on the Immoral railway? Or went up on the Awful Tower and fell off? Spozein’ the elephants should tread on him? Or the boyconstructors or tigers git after him? Or he should go to the moon and git lost there and be obleeged to stay? Oh the wild fears that raced through my foretop; mebby they wuzn’t reasonable but they gored me jest the same. What must I, what could I do? I couldn’t tell.

215

“‘Serenus and Josiah are havin’ a gay time at Coney Island. I’ve jest had a card from Serenus,’ sez Miss Gowdey. You could have knocked me down with a pin feather.” (See page 214)

216

But all of a sudden I thought of what Serenus said about a woman twice my size dressed in gaudy red, forever takin’ after folks—What would Josiah do if she took after him? And no doubt she would, for looked at through the magnifying lens of Absence and Anxiety he looked passingly beautiful. As I thought of her I knowed what I would do. Sez I, “I will go and tear him away and bring him back to duty and his mournin’ pardner.”

But how could I go, wuz my next thought? How dast I venter there alone? I lacked both courage and a summer suit. But when did Samantha ever fail to lay holt of Duty’s apron strings when they dangled in front of her? Better go clothed in a righteous purpose and a old parmetty than in the richest new alpacky and a craven sperit.

I knowed that if I had wanted a hobble skirt or a hayrem, or a hip cosset there wuz no time to git ’em. But Heaven knows I didn’t want ’em, treasurin’ as I did the power to walk and breathe. Suffice it to say the next mornin’ the risin’ sun gilded my brown straw bunnet and umbrell as I descended from the car at the Grand Central.

Havin’ walked round and round, and through and through that immense depo, huffin’ it from217as fur as from our house to Jonesville, gittin’ lost time and agin, and bein’ found and sot right by onlookers and bystanders, in the fullness of time I emerged out on’t with a deep sithe of relief.

Believin’ as I do that the great beneficent Power that fills the ether about us, will bring us the help our sperit desires if we ask for it, it didn’t surprise me that almost the first man I met after I left the press and turmoil of the throng, wuz Deacon Gansy, who moved from Jonesville and is now runnin’ a provision store in New York.

I inquired for my cousin Bildad Smith of Coney Island and told him I wuz goin’ there. Sez I, “You know Bildad’s wife is runnin’ down.” Which wuzn’t a lie, but on the very edge on’t, for what did I care for her enjoyment of poor health? And he said he wuz goin’ down there in his delivery auto to carry ’em some fresh butter and eggs and he would take me. I thought it wuzn’t a chance to refuse. Bildad runs a eatin’ house on Coney Island.

So I sot off with Deacon Gansy, and after goin’ through Chaos and Destruction on lower New York streets, and Williamsburg bridge, and acrost it, for all the folks in New York and218Brooklyn wuz there that day—and after passin’ through crowded, hustlin’, bustlin’ streets, we found ourselves anon on the broad beautiful Ocean Avenue smooth as glass and as broad as from our house to hern that was Submit Tewksbury’s and I guess wider. Bordered on each side with four rows of noble trees with paths between ’em. The deacon said there wuz over ’leven thousand trees along that avenue, and I didn’t dispute him.

He got real talkative and kinder bragged on how much money he wuz makin’, said he’d bought a place up in Harlem, and sez he, “I’ve got another auto for pleasure drivin’.”

Sez I, “Isit pleasure to drive a car through such crowded places as we’ve been through to-day?”

And he said it wuz, if folks wouldn’t act mean. Sez he, “Last Sunday I took my wife out in the country and a old man in a buggy kep’ right in front of me and wouldn’t turn out, and I had to squeeze through between him and the ditch.”

“Did you git through safe?” sez I.

“Yes, I did, but I had to bend my mud guard right up agin his hoss’s side and scraped the skin raw, and raked its collar off.”

“What did the old man say?” sez I.219

“I never heard such language out of the mouth of man, and of course as a deacon I couldn’t listen to such profanity, so I hurried right away.”

“Hadn’t you ort to return the hoss collar, Deacon?”

“Oh no, I couldn’t stop to listen to such wicked talk.”

That wuz jest like deacon Gansy; he thought he wuz awful religious but I always felt dubersome about it.

But on we went through the matchless beauty of the drive. And anon we ketched a view of the blue tostin’ waves of the Atlantic, the air jest as fresh and invigoratin’ as when it blowed unto Columbuses weary foretop when he discovered us. And like his dantless cry to his fearful pilot, so my soul echoed the same cry to my deprestin’ fears:

“Sail on, and on, and on,” to the goal of our own desires. Our two quests wuz some different, he wuz seekin’ a new continent and I an old Josiah. But I knowed the Atlantic breezes never blowed on two more determined and noble linements than hisen and mine. And I felt that we would have been real congenial if he hadn’t died too soon, or I been born too late.

CHAPTER FOURTEENThe Curious Sights I Seen An’ the Hair-Raisin’ Episodes I Underwent in My Agonizin’ Search for My Pardner

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CHAPTER FOURTEEN

THE CURIOUS SIGHTS I SEEN AN’ THE HAIR-RAISIN’ EPISODES I UNDERWENT IN MY AGONIZIN’ SEARCH FOR MY PARDNER

Bildad’s folks wuz glad to see me. They visited us jest before they moved there, so I felt free. But not one word did I say about my quest for Josiah. No, such is woman’s deathless devotion to the man she loves, I’d ruther face the imputation of frivolity and friskiness, and I spoze they think to this day I went to Coney Island out of curosity and Pleasure Huntin’, instead of the lofty motives that actuated me. I knowed Bildad’s wife wuz most bed-rid so I would be free to conduct my search with no gossip or slurs onto Josiah.

And another reason for goin’ there: I knowed the savin’ sperit of my pardner, and I thought he would ruther git a free meal than to keep his incognito incog. And sure enough Bildad’s first words wuz, “Why didn’t you come with Josiah yesterday? He wuz here to dinner.”

“Where is he now?” sez I.224

Sez Bildad, “The last time I see him he wuz startin’ to take a trip to the Moon.”

Oh what a shock that wuz, Josiah goin’ to the moon; and yet even as he spoke I felt a relief, knowin’ man’s fickle nater, that the only inhabitant I ever hearn on in the moon wuz an old man instead of a woman. For few indeed are the men that will stand without hitchin,’ and as for girl blinders, they won’t wear ’em, much as they need ’em from the cradle to the grave.

“When wuz he layin’ out to return?” sez I in a tremblin’ voice.

“Oh they take trips there every half hour.”

Thinks I, to-day I go there myself, and Josiah Allen will come down to earth agin’ if I know myself. But not one word did I say to demean my pardner. Breakfast wuz ready and I sot down. But my emotions filled me up. I couldn’t seem to have any place for meat vittles, I couldn’t eat anything but some bread and butter and a glass of milk. A female settin’ by me sez, “You’re not goin’ to eat loose milk, are you?”

“Loose!” sez I, “Why should milk be tied up? I never wuz afraid on’t.”

“I mean milk that hain’t bottled,” sez she.225“I wouldn’t eat loose milk for the world.” And she being enthusiastick gin a long eulogy of the good men who wuz tryin’ to save poor babies by givin’ ’em pure milk, and she talked bitter about the men who opposed the idee for fear it would pauperize the babies.

And I told her it wouldn’t make much difference with the babies pizened by microby milk whether they died pauperized or onpauperized.

Well, I didn’t know whether the milk wuz loose or tight, but I eat it rapidly, so’s to begin my hunt. I’d slep’ some on the cars, and when I had changed my parmetty waist for a brown gingham shirt waist, and washed my face, and brushed back my hair, I wuz ready to start. The room they gin me wuz so small I thought I would have to go out in the hall to change my mind. But I did manage to change my waist. Bildad’s old colored woman wuz singin’ as she made the bed in the next room that old him “Pull for the Shore.” She sung:

“Pull for the shore, brother,Pull for the shore,Heed not the rollin’ pins,Bend to the oar—Leave the poor old straddled wreckAnd pull for the shore.”

226

She didn’t git the words right, but her voice wuz melogious, and as I listened my soul parodied the words to suit my needs. Yes, I felt that I must “bend to the oar” of my purpose, I must not “heed the rollin’ waves” of weariness and anxiety, must leave “the poor old stranded wreck” of my domestic happiness and security and pull for Josiah.

Luny Park wuz only a few steps from Bildad’s and anon I stood before what seemed to be a great city, gorgeous below and way up above the thronged streets and mountains and flower-decked declivities, endless white towers riz up as if callin’ attention to ’em. And I didn’t know but the place had been lied about, and I asked a bystander if any of ’em wuz meetin’ house steeples.

He laughed in derision at me, and I passed on and come to a lot of girls dressed up in red, and settin’ in chariots like them old Roman females used to go to war in. I asked one on ’em if she wuz layin’ out to go to Mexico, and she replied “Ten cents,” and shoved out a piece of paper to me.

227

“I stood before what seemed to be a great city. Endless white towers riz up as if callin’ attention to ’em.” (See page 226)

228

I see she wuz luny as the park, but didn’t argy, and passed on furder when a man out of a row of great tall men dressed in red, took the piece of paper from me. He took it right out of my hand, and if there is anything wrong goin’ on between him and the girl that gin it to me I hain’t to blame, and want it understood that I hain’t.

Anon I see a dancin’ pavilion big enough for all the folks in Jonesville and Zoar to dance in at one time. But I never thought of dancin’ or two-steppin’ myself, though the music wuz enticin’ to them easy enticed. But knowin’ the infinite variety of fads my pardner had indulged in, I cast some searchin’ glances at the dancers and two-steppers as I went past, but to my relief I see that he wuz not among ’em.

On the left side, as I strolled along, I see a big butcher shop, with hull sides of beef, mutton, pork, hams, chickens, etc., hangin’ up. And a long counter, piled full of invitin’ lookin’ pieces ready to roast or brile. The butcher in a clean white apron stood behind the counter. Everything looked good and clean, but I’d hearn of city meat givin’ toe main pizen, and knowin’ Josiah’s fondness for meat vittles—I asked anxiously, “Are you sure the critters this meat come from hadn’t got cow consumption, or hog cholera?”

A friendly female standin’ by said, “Every229mite of that is candy.” And she offered me a piece of sassidge, and asked which I preferred, wintergreen or peppermint.

I answered mekanically that I seasoned my sassidge with sage and pepper. Agin she affirmed that everything in the butcher shop wuz candy.

I didn’t argy, but merely said, “It is enough to deceive the very electioneers.”

Sez she, “I spoze you mean politicians, and that’s so, if they’re deceived anyone can be.”

I wuz talkin’ Bible but didn’t explain, and walked onwards. The F. F. (friendly female) come too, and pretty soon we come to what they called a new-matic tube and the F. F. explained it to me, sez she, “You are shet into a car made of iron and it runs with a deafenin’ roar into a dark tunnel, and all to once the car slides down twenty feet and dashes through another dark tunnel and then comes out where you went in. If it wuzn’t for the dretful noise,” sez she, “it would seem like a grave. Don’t you want to try it?”

“No, mom,” sez I, “I shan’t git into any coffin’ and grave till my time comes.”

“Well,” sez she, “I’m goin’ into the Scenic Railway, won’t you come too?” And not230wantin’ to act hauty and high-headed I bought a ticket and went in with her. It looked some like a great high rock with a cavern hollered out, and a huge devil’s head with a waterfall flowin’ out of its mouth. I knowed the devil couldn’t hurt us as long as he kep’ his mouth full of water. So we got on a car with about ten other folks and they locked us in and we went right up I calculated about half a mild, though I didn’t measure, and then we sailed off and first I knew there wuz Havana Harbor, war ships, forts, etc., and the city. But we didn’t stop for refreshments, for all of a sudden down we went probably half a mild right straight down. I ketched holt of the F. F. and she ketched holt of me. When all to once we wuz to the North Pole, ice, snow drifts, white bears, etc., surrounded us and a sign with Dr. Cook on it.

The F. F. riz up and yelled to the conductor to stop. Sez she, “I want to get out to the Pole, I want to discover it! I want to git my name in the papers! I want to be talked about!” sez she.

We wuz goin’ up a tremengous mountain, and he sez, “Set down or youwillgit your name in the death notices.”

Whether he laid out to kill her I don’t know,231for she set down. And jest then somebody yells, “Here we go down to the bottomless pit.”

I sez to the F. F., “I can’t believe it! ’Tain’t so! It must be Pugatory!”

But there wuz the sign, “Hell.”

“On we went under the waterfall, up, up, down, down, and finally shot out jest where we got in.” (See page 232)

“Oh!” I groaned out in agony, “what have I ever done to merit this! Have I ever been mean enough to Josiah?” But there they wuz, fiery pits, big devils and little ones with pitchforks and darts, etc. Only one thought assuaged my torment, my Josiah wuzn’t there. But in a232minute up we went, up—up—and come out to an open place, where I see what I thought wuz Heaven, but it wuz only Coney Island, but after what I’d been through even that worldly frivolous spot looked heavenly to me. On we went under the waterfall, up, up, down, down, through hot countries and cold, and finally shot out jest where we got in.

CHAPTER FIFTEENI Visit the Moon, the Witchin’ Waves, Open Air Circus, Advise the Monkeys, Make the Male Statute Laugh, but Do Not Find Josiah

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CHAPTER FIFTEEN

I VISIT THE MOON, THE WITCHIN’ WAVES, OPEN AIR CIRCUS, ADVISE THE MONKEYS, MAKE THE MALE STATUTE LAUGH, BUT DO NOT FIND JOSIAH

The Witching Waves is a track that moves up and down in waves. Scientific folks say that it is a mechanical wonder. I couldn’t see how it wuz done. I couldn’t make one to save my life. Folks git into little automobiles and steer ’em themselves and first they know some unseen power under ’em lifts the track right up, and of course their car goes too with it. Then anon the track will go way down, and they with it, mebby meetin’ another car down there, and they will be all mixed up, but first they know the track will hist up agin under ’em and they have to foller it up agin. Dretful curious spot, well called Witching Waves. But every owner of an auto sees curious times, and feels witchin’ waves, yes indeed!

Why, I hearn about a little girl who happened236to hear a man swearin’ dretfully at sunthin and he apoligized.

“Oh,” sez she, “I’m used to it, my papa owns a car.” But ’tain’t necessary to swear at ’em, it don’t do no good, besides the wickedness on’t.

The Witching Waves“Folks get into little automobiles and steer ’em themselves.” (See page 235)

But jest as I wuz moralizin’ on this, I hearn a bystander talkin’ about the Trip to the Moon. And rememberin’ what Bildad said I sot out for the air-ship that took folks there. To tell the truth, I’d always hankered to see what wuz on the moon. Not to see that old man of the moon237(no, Josiah wuz my choice); but I always did want to know what wuz on the other planets, and though I’m most ashamed to say it, after all my talk agin Coney Island, yet if it hadn’t been for the kankerin’ worm of anxiety knawin’ at my vitals, I should have enjoyed myself first rate as the air-ship sailed off, with a stately motion, for the moon.

I had watched the passengers with a eagle vision but no Josiah embarked, but the air-ship sailed off, the earth receeded, we wuz in the clouds, anon we passed through a big thunder storm, I wuz almost lost in thought watchin’ sea and ocean when the captain called out:

“The Moon! the Moon!”

And we alighted and got off, I a-thinkin’ what and who wuz I to see in thet place I’d always hankered for. Strange shapes indeed, foreign to our earth, birds, dragons, animals of most weird shape. Anon I see a little figger, queer-lookin’ as you might spoze. I accosted the little Moony, my first words bein’ not a question of deep historical research, you would expect a woman with my noble brain would ask, about that onexplored country. No, my head didn’t speak, it wuz my heart, that gushed forth in a agonized inquiry.238

“Have you seen Josiah? Have you seen my beloved pardner? Is he in the moon?”

His words in reply wuz in moon language, nothin’ I ever hearn in Jonesville or Zoar, and anon he begun to sing in that moony language, and I see I wuz wastin’ time, I must conduct my quest myself.

But oh, the seens I passed through! And oh, the queer moon landscapes! the queer moony animals and moon creeters I passed! But all in vain, no Josiah blessed my longin’ vision. And with my brain turnin’ over and my heart achin’, I agin entered the air-ship and returned to terry cotta; or mebby I hain’t got it right in my agitation, mebby I’d ort to say visey versey. ’Tennyrate I found myself out in Luny Park agin.

Well, what wuz to be my next move? Fur up a steep hite I see water pourin’ down a deep abyss and a boat full of men and wimmen set out from the highest peak, shot down the declivity like lightnin’ and dashed ’way out in the water on the other side of the bridge where I wuz standin’; but my idol wuz not among ’em.

I see a great checker-board raised up, so big it wuz played with human creeters instead of beans or kernels of corn. But no Josiah wuz there movin’ and jumpin’, or bein’ jumped as the case might be.

239

“A boat full of men and women set out from the highest peak, shot down the declivity like lightnin’ and dashed ’way out on the other side of the bridge.” (See page 238)

240

On one side riz up a high mountain full of green shrubs and flowers, and windin’ round and round from the bottom clear to the top, went cars filled with men and wimmen, boys and girls, up, up, down, down, as fur as from our house to Betsy Bobbet Slimpsey’s; but no Josiah wuz among the winders up or the winders down.

Even as I looked, a elephant passed me with stately tread, bearin’ on his richly ornamented back a small-sized man with a bald head; but it wuzn’t Josiah’s baldness or his small, meachin’ figger.

Two high tiers of balconies stretched along on one side, ornamented off with white pillows and posies where folks could set and eat their good meals, and enjoy the music and the never ceasing gayety. Beneath ’em, above ’em and beyond ’em, as fur as they could, see, towers, pinnacles, battlements, steeples, palms, flowers, color, light, music, and the endless, endless procession of pleasure hunters passin’ below. Rich men, poor men, wimmen in satin and serge, shiffon and calico, babies, boys and girls.

I made the calculation that about a million241folks could be accommodated on them balconies. I may have got one or two too many; I didn’t stop to count.

Lower down run a low, ornamented ruff, coverin’ hundreds of little tables where folks could set and git soft drinks and hard. The hard drink’s true to its name everyway. For when did the Whiskey Demon ever turn out anything but hard, from the time it exhilerates the consumer till it drives him away from love, home, friends, happiness, and at last gives him a final hard push, sendin’ him into a onlamented grave!

But truly no one has time to moralize or eppisode to any extent amidst the music, laughter and gay voices, the endless procession passin’ by. To most a seen of happiness, but to me they seemed like shadders; the Reality of life, my beloved pardner, wuz lost, lost to me. A pleasant lookin’ female standin’ by, seein’ the emotion in my face, and wantin’ to cheer me up, I spoze, sez:

“Have you tried the Loop de Loop?”

I answered with a sad dignity, “Yes, I’ve done considerable tattin’ in my day.”

“Mebby you’d like to try the Bump de Bump.”242

I sez, “No, I’ve enjoyed enough of that since comin’ in here.”

Sez she, “Have you seen the monkeys keepin’ house?”

“No,” sez I, “but I will.” And sure enough, there wuz a big family of monkeys housekeeping. Some eatin’ dinner in the dining room, some doin’ different kinds of housework, sweepin’, operatin’ the dumb waiter, payin’ bills, etc. Some in the settin’ room readin’ the newspaper. And there is a band of sixty monkey musicians. And I hearn they’re learnin’ bridge whist; I wuz sorry to hear that, and I sez to the oldest and wisest lookin’ monkey:

“You’ll sup sorrow if you go into bridge whist, gamblin’ and wastin’ good daylight in civilized sports, when you might be hangin’ from tree tops, and chasin’ each other ’round stumps, in a honest, oncivilized way. If you don’t look out your ladies will foller the example of the Four Hundred and be thinkin’ of a divorce and big alimony next.”

He looked impressed by my noble anxiety on their behaff, but didn’t say nothin’. But mebby he’ll hear to me. A little boy standin’ by sez, “Ma, Jimmy Bates sez that he and I and everybody descended from monkeys—did I, ma?”243

“I don’t know,” sez she, “I never knew much about your father’s family.”

I didn’t stay long at the Open Air Circus, though it wuz a big place and sights goin’ on there; bare-backed riders, Japanese jugglers and acrobats, tight-rope walkers, elephants and camels with folks on their backs, with Arabians and East Indians in their native costumes takin’ care of ’em.

Not fur off I see a male statute; lots of folks wuz congregated in front of it, and I went up too, and I sez to a female bystander, “I always did love to see statutes. But this one’s linement is humblier than most on ’em.”

When if you’ll believe it it turned round and sez, “Thank you, mom, for the compliment.” It acted mad.

Another man stood like a statute, and the woman I had spoke to sez, “You can git a dollar if you can make that man laugh.”

And I sez, “I can.”

Sez she, “I don’t believe it; I’ve read to him lots of the humorous stories in the late magazines, and he looked fairly gloomy when I got done.”

And I sez, “I don’t wonder at that, I do myself. They’re awful deprestin’.”244

And she sez, “I’ve held up in front of him the funny colored supplements to the Sunday papers, and I thought he’d cry.”

“Well,” sez I, “I’ve pretty nigh shed tears over ’em myself, they made me so onhappy.”

“How be you goin’ to make him laugh?” sez she.

“You watch me and see,” sez I. So I went up to him and got his eye and told him over a lot of laws our male statesmen have made, and are makin’. License laws of different kinds, but all black as a coal. How a little girl of twelve or fourteen, pronounced legally incapable of buyin’ or sellin’ a sheep or a hen, can legally sell her virtue and ruin her life. How pizen is licensed by law to make men break the law, and then they are punished and hung by the law for doin’ what the law expected they would do.

How a woman can protect her dog by payin’ a dollar, but can’t protect her boy with her hull property and her heart’s blood. How mothers are importuned by male statesmen to bring big families into a world full of temptation and ruin, but have no legal rights to protect them from the black dangers licensed by these law-makers.

His face looked so queer, I worried some thinkin’ I should git him to cryin’ instead of245laughin’; but I hurried and told him how our statesmen would flare up now and then and turribly threaten the Mormon who keeps on marryin’ some new wives every little while, and then elect him to Congress, and sculp his head on our warship to show foreign nations that America approves of such doin’s. And I told him how girls and boys, hardly out of pantalettes and knee breeches, could git married in five minutes, but have to spend months and money to break the ties so easily made and prove they are morally fit to care for the children born of that careless five minute ceremony.

His linement looked scornful at the idee. And I told him how they tax wimmen without representation, and then spend millions rasin’ statutes to our forefathers for fightin’ agin the same thing. And how statesmen trust wimmen with their happiness, their lives and their honor, but deny ’em the rights they give to wicked men, degenerates, and men whose heads are so soft a fly will slump in if it lights on ’em. To such men (as well as better ones) they give the right to govern the wimmen they love, their good inteligent wives and mothers, rule ’em through life, and award punishment and death to ’em.246

“And such men,” sez I, “say wimmen don’t know enough to vote.”

The very idee wuz so weak and inconsistent that it made the man statute hysterical, and he bust out into a peal of derisive laughter, and I took my dollar and walked off, though I knowed enough could be said on this subject to make a stun statute hystericky. I lay out to send the dollar to the W. C. T. U.

Jest after this I met Bildad, and he sez, “I jest see Josiah; he wuz in Steeple Chase Park, talkin’ with some girls there.”

I didn’t wait to ask what they wuz talkin’ about, I hoped it wuz religion, but felt dubersome, and hurried there fast as I could. I crossed the automobile track where crowded cars wuz runnin’ all the while round and round, past the rows of big high headed mettlesome hosses (this is a pun; they wuz made of metal).

But I passed ’em all as if they wuzn’t there; for my mind wuz all took up with the thought, should I find my pardner there talkin’ with them girls, and if so, what would be the subject of their conversation? Josiah is sound; but the best of men have weak spots in their armor which the glance of a bright eye will oft-times pierce through and do damage. So, to protect247my dear pardner from danger, I pressed forward and wuz let in by a good-lookin’ man for twenty-five cents. He gin me a paper locket and told me to be sure and not lose it. It had a man’s face on it, and I d’no but he thought I would treasure it on account of that.

I didn’t argy with him, but jest looked him coldly in the face and sez, “I am no such a woman, I have got a pardner of my own, though I can’t put my hand on him this minute.” And I passed on.

“Rows of high-headed mettlesome hosses.”

CHAPTER SIXTEENThe Wonderful and Mysterious Sights I Saw in Steeple Chase Park, and My Search There for My Pardner

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CHAPTER SIXTEEN

THE WONDERFUL AND MYSTERIOUS SIGHTS I SAW IN STEEPLE CHASE PARK, AND MY SEARCH THERE FOR MY PARDNER

Steeple Chase Park is most as big as Luny Park, but is mostly one huge buildin’ covered with glass, and every thing on earth or above, or under the earth, is goin’ on there, acres and acres of amusements (so-called) in one glass house.

As I went in, I see a immense mirror turnin’ round and round seemin’ly invitin’ folks to look. But as I glanced in, I tell the truth when I say, I wuzn’t much bigger round than a match, and the thinness made me look as tall as three on me.

“Oh,” sez I, “has grief wore my flesh away like this? If it keeps on I shan’t dast to take lemonade, for fear I shall fall into the straw and be drowned.”

A bystander sez, “Look agin, mom!”

I did and I wuzn’t more’n two fingers high, and wide as our barn door.252

I most shrieked and sez to myself, “It has come onto me at last, grief and such doin’s as I’ve seen here, has made me crazy as a loon.” And I started away almost on a run.

All of a sudden the floor under me which looked solid as my kitchen floor begun to move back and forth with me and sideways and back, to and fro, fro and to, and I goin’ with it, one foot goin’ one way, and the other foot goin’ somewhere else; but by a hurculaneum effort I kep’ my equilebrium upright, and made out to git on solid floorin’. But a high-headed female in a hobble skirt, the hobbles hamperin her, fell prostrate. I felt so shook up and wobblin’ myself, I thought a little Scripter would stiddy me, and I sez, “Sinners stand on slippery places.”

“I see they do!” she snapped out, lookin’ at me; “but I can’t!”

I sez to myself as I turned away, “I’ll bet she meant me.” But bein’ tuckered out, I sot down on a reliable-lookin’ stool, the high-headed woman takin’ another one by my side—there wuz a hull row of folks settin’ on ’em—when, all of a sudden, I d’no how it wuz done or why, but them stools all sunk right down to the floor bearin’ us with ’em onwillin’ly.253

I scrambled to my feet quick as I could, and as I riz up I see right in front on me the gigantick, shameless female Bildad had as good as told me Josiah had been flirtin’ with. I knowed her to once, the gaudy, flashin’ lookin’ creeter, bigger than three wimmen ort to be; she wuz ten feet high if she wuz a inch. As she come up to me with mincin’ steps, I sez to her in skathin’ axents:

“What have you done with my innocent pardner? Where is Josiah Allen? Open your guilty breast and confess.” And now I’m tellin’ the livin’ truth, as she towered up in front on me, her breast did open and a man’s face looked out on me. My brain tottled, but righted itself with relief, for it wuz not Josiah; it wuz probable some other woman’s husband. But I sez to myself, let every woman take care of her own husband if she can; it hain’t my funeral.

And I hurried off till I come out into a kinder open place with some good stiddy chairs to set down on, and some green willers hangin’ down their verdant boughs over some posy beds. Nothin’ made up about ’em. Oh how good it looked to me to see sunthin’ that God had made, and man hadn’t dickered with and manufactured to seem different from what it wuz. Thinks I, if I should take hold of one of these feathery green willer sprays it wouldn’t turn into a serpent or try to trip me up, or wobble me down. They looked beautiful to me, and beyond ’em I could see the Ocean, another and fur greater reality, real as life, or death, or taxes, or anything else we can’t escape from.

254

“I’m tellin’ the livin’ truth, as she towered up in front on me, her breast opened and a man’s face looked out on me.” (See page 253)

255

Settin’ there lookin’ off on them mighty everlastin’ waves, forever flowin’ back and forth, forth and back, the world of the flimsy and the false seemed to pass away and the Real more nigh to me than it did in the painted land of shams and onreality I had been passin’ through. And as I meditated on the disgraceful sight I had seen—that gaudy, guilty creeter with a man concealed in her breast. For if it wuzn’t a guilty secret, why wuz the door shet and fastened tight, till the searchlight of a woman’s indignant eyes brought him to light?

Thinkin’ it over calmly and bein’ reasonable and just, my feelin’s over that female kinder softened down, and I sez to myself, what if there wuz a open winder or door into all our hearts, for outsiders to look in, what would they see? Curious sights, homely ones and beautiful, happy ones and sorrowful, and some256kinder betwixt and between. Sacred spots that the nearest ones never got a glimpse on. Eyes that look acrost the coffee pot at you every mornin’ never ketched sight on ’em, nor the ones that walk up and down in them hidden gardens. Some with veiled faces mebby, some with reproachful orbs, some white and still, some pert and sassy.

Nothin’ wicked, most likely; nothin’ the law could touch you for; but most probable it might make trouble if them affectionate eyes opposite could behold ’em, for where love is there is jealousy, and a lovin’ woman will be jealous of a shadder or a scare-crow. It is nateral nater and can’t be helped. But if she stopped to think on’t, she herself has her hid-away nooks in her heart, dark or pleasant landscapes, full of them, you never ketch a glimpse on do the best you can. And jealous curosity goes deep. What would Josiah see through my heart’s open door? What would I see in hisen? It most skairs me to think on’t. No, it hain’t best to have open doors into hearts. Lots of times it would be resky; not wrong, you know, but jest resky.

Thus I sot and eppisoded, lookin’ off onto the melancholy ocean, listenin’ to her deep sithes,257when onbid come the agonizin’ thought, “Had Josiah Allen backslid so fur and been so full of remorse and despair, that his small delicate brain had turned over with him, and he had throwed himself into the arms of the melancholy Ocean? Wuz her deep, mournful sithes preparin’ me for the heart-breakin’ sorrow?” I couldn’t abear the thought, and I riz up and walked away. As I did so a bystander sez, “Have you been up on the Awful Tower?”

“No,” sez I, “I’ve been through awful things, enough, accidental like, without layin’ plans and climbin’ up on ’em.” But Hope will always hunch Anxiety out of her high chair in your head and stand up on it. I thought I would go upstairs into another part of the buildin’ and mebby I might ketch a glimpse of my pardner in the dense crowd below.

And if you’ll believe it, as I wuz walkin’ upstairs as peaceful as our old brindle cow goin’ up the south hill paster, my skirts begun to billow out till they got as big as a hogsit. I didn’t care about its bein’ fashion to not bulge out round the bottom of your skirts but hobble in; but I see the folks below wuz laughin’ at me, and it madded me some when I hadn’t done a thing, only jest walk upstairs peaceable. And258I don’t know to this day what made my clothes billow out so.

But I went on and acrost to a balcony, and after I went in, a gate snapped shet behind me and I couldn’t git back. And when I got to the other side there wuzn’t any steps, and if I got down at all I had to slide down. I didn’t like to make the venter, but had to, so I tried to forgit my specs and gray hair and fancy I wuz ten years old, in a pig-tail braid, and pantalettes tied on with my stockin’s, and sot off. As I went down with lightnin’ speed I hadn’t time to think much, but I ricollect this thought come into my harassed brain:

Be pardners worth all the trouble I’m havin’ and the dretful experiences I’m goin’ through? Wouldn’t it been better to let him go his length, than to suffer what I’m sufferin’? I reached the floor with such a jolt that my mind didn’t answer the question; it didn’t have time.

All to once, another wind sprung up from nowhere seemin’ly, and tried its best to blow off my bunnet. But thank Heaven, my good green braize veil tied round it with strong lutestring ribbon, held it on, and I see I still had holt of my trusty cotton umbrell, though the wind had blowed it open, but I shet it and259grasped it firmly, thinkin’ it wuz my only protector and safeguard now Josiah wuz lost, and I hastened away from that crazy spot.

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