The Project Gutenberg eBook ofSanta Claus' Daughter: A Musical Christmas Burlesque in Two ActsThis ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online atwww.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.Title: Santa Claus' Daughter: A Musical Christmas Burlesque in Two ActsAuthor: Everett ElliottF. W. HardcastleRelease date: May 24, 2017 [eBook #54780]Most recently updated: October 23, 2024Language: EnglishCredits: Produced by MFR, Paul Marshall and the Online DistributedProofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This book wasproduced from images made available by the HathiTrustDigital Library.)*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SANTA CLAUS' DAUGHTER: A MUSICAL CHRISTMAS BURLESQUE IN TWO ACTS ***
This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online atwww.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.
Title: Santa Claus' Daughter: A Musical Christmas Burlesque in Two ActsAuthor: Everett ElliottF. W. HardcastleRelease date: May 24, 2017 [eBook #54780]Most recently updated: October 23, 2024Language: EnglishCredits: Produced by MFR, Paul Marshall and the Online DistributedProofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This book wasproduced from images made available by the HathiTrustDigital Library.)
Title: Santa Claus' Daughter: A Musical Christmas Burlesque in Two Acts
Author: Everett ElliottF. W. Hardcastle
Author: Everett Elliott
F. W. Hardcastle
Release date: May 24, 2017 [eBook #54780]Most recently updated: October 23, 2024
Language: English
Credits: Produced by MFR, Paul Marshall and the Online DistributedProofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This book wasproduced from images made available by the HathiTrustDigital Library.)
*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SANTA CLAUS' DAUGHTER: A MUSICAL CHRISTMAS BURLESQUE IN TWO ACTS ***
AMES’ SERIES OF STANDARD AND MINOR DRAMA,
No. 309.
SantaClaus’ Daughter.
(BURLESQUE.)
WITH CAST OF CHARACTERS, ENTRANCES, AND EXITS, RELATIVE POSITIONS OFTHE PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, DESCRIPTION OF COSTUMES ANDTHE WHOLE OF THE STAGE BUSINESS, CAREFULLYMARKED FROM THE MOST APPROVEDACTING COPY.
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A Kiss in the Dark, Farce.Nanka’s Leap Year Venture, Commedietta.Pomp Green’s Snakes, Farce.The General Manager, Musical Farce-Comedy.Arthur Eustace, or A Mother’s Love, Drama.The Spellin’ Skewl, Burlesque.Our Hopeful Son, Farce.Locked in a Dress-maker’s Room, Farce.Jacob Shlaff’s Mistake, Farce.The Irish Squire of Squash Ridge, Farce.Hallabahoola, The Medicine Man, Farce.The Three Hats, Farce-Comedy.Peleg and Peter, or Around the Horn, Farce-Comedy.Grandmother Hildebrand’s Legacy, Drama.New York Book Agent, or The Miser’s Gold, Drama.
A Kiss in the Dark, Farce.Nanka’s Leap Year Venture, Commedietta.Pomp Green’s Snakes, Farce.
The General Manager, Musical Farce-Comedy.Arthur Eustace, or A Mother’s Love, Drama.The Spellin’ Skewl, Burlesque.
Our Hopeful Son, Farce.Locked in a Dress-maker’s Room, Farce.Jacob Shlaff’s Mistake, Farce.
The Irish Squire of Squash Ridge, Farce.Hallabahoola, The Medicine Man, Farce.The Three Hats, Farce-Comedy.
Peleg and Peter, or Around the Horn, Farce-Comedy.Grandmother Hildebrand’s Legacy, Drama.New York Book Agent, or The Miser’s Gold, Drama.
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ALPHABETICAL LIST OF
Ames’ Edition of Plays.
FIFTEEN CENTS EACH UNLESS OTHERWISE MARKED.
IN TWO ACTS,
BY
EVERETT ELLIOTT AND F. W. HARDCASTLE.
TO WHICH IS ADDED
DESCRIPTION OF THE COSTUMES—CAST OF THE CHARACTERS—ENTRANCES AND EXITS—RELATIVE POSITIONS OF THE PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, AND THE WHOLE OF THE STAGE BUSINESS.
Entered according to the act of Congress in the year 1892, byAMES’ PUBLISHING CO.,in the office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington.
CLYDE, OHIO:AMES’ PUBLISHING CO.
SANTA CLAUS’ DAUGHTER.
COSTUMES.
PROPERTIES.
Large book and quill pen for Gussie; carpet bag and cane for O’Rourke; sleigh bells. Also quizzing glass for Gussie.
SYNOPSIS OF EVENTS.
ACT I.—Scene, North Pole Snow Castle. Santa Claus’ home. Song of the Snow-fairies. Gussie and the Fairies. Santa Claus preparing for his “night out.” The “Directory.” “The Dude.” Kitty wants to move to the land of mortals, where men are plenty. Santa Claus’ advice. Song by Santa Claus and family, “A Model Man.” Gussie, “That’s clevah, deucedly clevah doncher no?” Gussie’s attempt to sing. Chestnut bell. Santa Claus’ promise to bring Kitty a man. Astonishment at Kitty’s rash request. Caught out on a foul. “I’ll bring her a boodler, a Farmer’s Alliance man,” anything to disgust her with the whole race. Song—Sleighing song. Departure of Santa Claus for the land of mortals, in his sleigh and fleet-footed reindeers.
ACT. II.—Return of Santa Claus, with an Irish Paddy. Santa Claus and Gussie witness unseen, the meeting of Kitty and “her man.” “Do yez chew gum, and play on the type-writer.” Song by Kitty, “The Pleasure of Catching a Man.” The proposal. “The could weather will make yez a widdy before yez married, so it will.” Santa Claus’ despair at Kitty’s acceptance of O’Rourke. Gussie has an idea. O’Rourke declared King of the North Pole. Coronation song. March by Fairies and Holidays. “The last ton of coal which broke the camels back.” O’Rourke ascends the throne. Cigarette or two. Kitty resolves to reform O’Rourke. Tableau. Erin appears. Her appeal in behalf of the Irish girls, beats the world and Kitty isn’t in it. Kitty undecided whether to go with O’Rourke or remain. Tableau. Curtain.
STAGE DIRECTIONS.
R., means Right;L., Left;R. H., Right Hand;L. H., Left Hand;C., Centre;S. E., [2dE.,] Second Entrance;U. E., Upper Entrance;M. D., Middle Door;F., the Flat;D. F., Door in Flat;R. C., Right of Centre;L. C., Left of Centre.
R. R. C. C. L. C. L.
⁂ The reader is supposed to be upon the stage facing the audience.
Santa Claus’ Daughter.
SCENE.—A large hall inSanta Claus’Snow-palace. Throne-chairR. U. E.;table and chairL.;bell cordL.;as curtain risesGussieis discovered at tableL.,writing in a large book.
Enter,Snow-fairies,C.,and come down to front.
SONG OF SNOW-FAIRIES.
To the tune of “My Boyhood’s Happy Home Down on the Farm.”
We are fairies of the snow,And every where we goWe make the hearts of children glad and gay;From their window seats so warm,They look out upon the stormAnd dream of future childish sports and play.Chorus.We fulfill a mission too,As every one should do;Who have a mission worthy of the name,From our home in Northern clime,Come we forth at Christmas timeA quiet share in Christmas joys to claim.On earth’s cold and frozen faceEach white snow-flake takes its place,All unite a cosy mantle thus to form,Universal mother keep,Covered during winter’s sleep’Till spring-time’s sun shines forth again so warm.
We are fairies of the snow,And every where we goWe make the hearts of children glad and gay;From their window seats so warm,They look out upon the stormAnd dream of future childish sports and play.Chorus.We fulfill a mission too,As every one should do;Who have a mission worthy of the name,From our home in Northern clime,Come we forth at Christmas timeA quiet share in Christmas joys to claim.On earth’s cold and frozen faceEach white snow-flake takes its place,All unite a cosy mantle thus to form,Universal mother keep,Covered during winter’s sleep’Till spring-time’s sun shines forth again so warm.
We are fairies of the snow,And every where we goWe make the hearts of children glad and gay;From their window seats so warm,They look out upon the stormAnd dream of future childish sports and play.
Chorus.We fulfill a mission too,As every one should do;Who have a mission worthy of the name,From our home in Northern clime,Come we forth at Christmas timeA quiet share in Christmas joys to claim.
On earth’s cold and frozen faceEach white snow-flake takes its place,All unite a cosy mantle thus to form,Universal mother keep,Covered during winter’s sleep’Till spring-time’s sun shines forth again so warm.
At close of songGussiecomes down to front, makes an extravagant bow to theFairies.
Gus.Well now, that’s clevah, deucedly clevah doncherno, but ladies, you distract my mind from the duties incident to my exalted office. I must really ask you to depaht. I must indeed.
Fai.(Fairiesstamp their feet indignantly and speak in chorus) Listen to that! The horrid man! Distract his mind indeed, bah! (toGussie) You never had a mind.
Gus.Beg pardon ladies, but it is twue, evewy word twue. This is Chwistmas Eve and in one hour fwom this time I must have the “World’s Directory of Deserving Didlets” weady for Santa Claus before he starts out upon his annual journey.
Fai.(in chorus) Is that true? Why did you not say so before?
Queen.(Fairiesgo to entrancesR.andL.,Queengoes toC.All turn and look atGussieasQueensays) Gussie, we go, but we return; and when we do return we will sing—Comrades!!
(exeunt,Fairies
Gus.Well, I flatter myself, that was nicely done. Other fellows may have some trouble in managing the ladies, but it is no trouble at all, when you know how. Gussie old boy, you are clevah, deucedly clevah.
Enter,Santa Claus,C.
Santa.Well my good fellow, are all things prepared? Is the Directory ready for my journey to-night?
Gus.(making profound bow) Yes, your majesty, it will be ready in fifteen minutes.
(sits at table,L.,and writes
Santa.By-the-way, Gus—
Gus.(interrupting) Gussie, sir, Gussie.
Santa.Well, Gussie, how are the children panning out this year? Are there as many as usual?
Gus.More, your majesty, many more.
Santa.More? Well, well! And the Smiths, I suppose there are a few Smiths left?
Gus.Ah! your majesty, their name is Legion!
Santa.Legion! Eh? Um, ah! yes, Legion. Well, it may rest us a little to have them change their name. What is it Shakespeare has to say on the subject of changing names? Smith—Smith—by any other name would—um—no! no! that is not exactly what I want.
(walks up and down stage, hands behind his back, meditatively
Gus.Oh! I say, your majesty, have you heard of the accident?
Santa.Accident? Whose accident?
Gus.The Jones’, sir.
Santa.The Jones’? And what is the matter with the Jones’?
Gus.(sorrowfully) Dead!
Santa.What, dead? All dead?
Gus.Oh no! your majesty, not all of them, but Johnny and his sister Sue—
Santa.(starting towardsGussieangrily) Villain, I fain would smite thee! (stops suddenly and draws hand across forehead) No! no! what would I do? Destroy the last lingering specimen of an almost extinct race? I will spare thee, dude. Proceed with thy labors. (Santawalks up and down stage thoughtfully, whileGussiemakes a great show of writing in his book.Santastops to watch him as he writes all the way across one page and as far to one side as he can reach) What are you doing there?
Gus.Your majesty, I am writing the name of the child of a Russian exile, but I fear you will have to carry a few K’s and Z’s loose in your pocket, for of a verity the book will not contain them all. (gong heard striking offL.,Santalistens,Gussiestarts) Great smoke, I am discovered! There goes that chestnut bell!
Santa.It is the ninth hour; I must hasten. (toGussie) Summon my household that I may bid them good-by. (Gussiepulls bell-rope,L.,great noise of tin pans, cans, cat calls, etc., heard) There, there, that will do. We do not want to perform the miracle of raising the dead.
Fairiesrush inR.,HolidaysL.,Mrs. ClausC.,followed byKitty
Mrs. C.Wh-wh-where’s the fire!
Omnes.Yes, where’s the fire.
Santa.The fire? There is no fire my dears.
Mrs. C.(seizingSanta’ssleeve and trying to lead him offL.) Then let us get out of this house at once, hubby, there is going to be an earth-quake! Didn’t you hear that noise?
Gus.Oh! pshaw, that was only a fall in the temperature.
Omnes.Is that so? Oh! I am so glad.
Santa.Yes, but I don’t want you to be glad. It is very disrespectful in you, to say the least, to be glad at a time like this.
Mrs. C.Why my dear hubby, what is the matter with the time?
Santa.The matter is, my dear, that I am going to leave you presently.
Omnes.Going to leave us?
Kitty.Going to leave us? Why papa, you will be too early for the World’s Fair.
Santa.I am not going to the World’s Fair, daughter. Have you forgotten that this is Christmas Eve, my regular night out?
Mrs. C.Why, so it is; I had forgotten. To-night you go forth to distribute gum-drops, drums and dollies to the children of all Christendom. It is very kind of you my dear, I am sure, and I am sorry that you are compelled to tear yourself away, but you will return to-morrow?
Santa.I am glad that you appreciate me, my dear. Let me advise you to keep a good thing while you have it.
Kitty.Yes, papa is a good man; at least, I suppose he is a good man. Good is a relative term, and men are so scarce in this kingdom of the North Pole, that I cannot judge by comparison.
Santa.Daughter, I am an exceptional creature in every way. Thank the Fates that you have never been permitted to meet a less worthy specimen of the race than your papa.
Gus.(Gussiegiggles) Speaking of men, how about me?
(swaggers with thumbs in arm holes of vest
Omnes.Oh! you don’t count; you’re a dude.
(Gussieretires discomfited
Kitty.Papa, are men as scarce in the land of mortals as they are here?
Santa.No, my child, no indeed; there are not enough to go around to be sure; and under the present system, old maids seem to be a compulsory blessing; still they are numerous, quite so.
Kitty.(rapturously) Oh! papa, let’s move!
Mrs. C.Why, what is the matter with the child? (goes over toKitty) My dear you must be ill: come, take a milk-shake and go to bed.
Gus.(aside) Milk-shake! I believe I am feeling a kind of goneness too.
Santa.No! no, there is nothing the matter with the child, only a little natural curiosity, that is all; but Kitty you would better remain content to know no man but your papa; he is an exceptional creature, I assure you.
Omnes.Yes, your papa is a model man.
Santa Claus sings
A MODEL MAN.It is, my friends, quite difficulty to find a fault in me,I have in some queer way escaped total depravity.Though in unbroken line I trace descent from mother Eve,There is no sin in my make-up; I’m perfect, I believe.Chorus.He is a perfect paragon, old Santa Claus.He never swears above his breath—unless he has a cause;Enumerate his virtues I think we hardly can,But taken all in all he is a perfect Model Man.Our brightest plans in this vain world are apt to go amiss,But keep your temper; don’t destroy your hopes of future bliss;Don’t scold your wife, don’t kick your dog, let me your model be;I scold my wife? Not for my life! She’d surely wallop me.Another thing:—Avoid conceit; quit blowing your own horn,But be like me, as modest as the blush of early morn,And when we’ve reached the end of life, with pride we look backUpon the wide swath we have cut, a broad and shining track.
A MODEL MAN.It is, my friends, quite difficulty to find a fault in me,I have in some queer way escaped total depravity.Though in unbroken line I trace descent from mother Eve,There is no sin in my make-up; I’m perfect, I believe.Chorus.He is a perfect paragon, old Santa Claus.He never swears above his breath—unless he has a cause;Enumerate his virtues I think we hardly can,But taken all in all he is a perfect Model Man.Our brightest plans in this vain world are apt to go amiss,But keep your temper; don’t destroy your hopes of future bliss;Don’t scold your wife, don’t kick your dog, let me your model be;I scold my wife? Not for my life! She’d surely wallop me.Another thing:—Avoid conceit; quit blowing your own horn,But be like me, as modest as the blush of early morn,And when we’ve reached the end of life, with pride we look backUpon the wide swath we have cut, a broad and shining track.
A MODEL MAN.
It is, my friends, quite difficulty to find a fault in me,I have in some queer way escaped total depravity.Though in unbroken line I trace descent from mother Eve,There is no sin in my make-up; I’m perfect, I believe.
Chorus.He is a perfect paragon, old Santa Claus.He never swears above his breath—unless he has a cause;Enumerate his virtues I think we hardly can,But taken all in all he is a perfect Model Man.
Our brightest plans in this vain world are apt to go amiss,But keep your temper; don’t destroy your hopes of future bliss;Don’t scold your wife, don’t kick your dog, let me your model be;I scold my wife? Not for my life! She’d surely wallop me.
Another thing:—Avoid conceit; quit blowing your own horn,But be like me, as modest as the blush of early morn,And when we’ve reached the end of life, with pride we look backUpon the wide swath we have cut, a broad and shining track.
Gus.Well now that’s clevah, deucedly clevah, by Jove. Methinks I’ll warble a little myself.
(starts down stage
Omnes.Oh! spare us, spare us!
(stopping him
Gus.Just as you please ladies, but it is your misfortune that you do not appreciate good music.
Kitty.Papa, that is a very pretty custom of yours, of every year giving presents to the children of mortals; so pretty indeed, that I wonder you have not tried it at home, that you have never given your daughter a Christmas present.
Santa.My dear child, it would be useless; the wealth of my kingdom is at your command; your every wish is gratified. What more could I give you than you already have?
Kitty.But surely, surely, there is something in the land of mortals which I have not. Could you not bring me a gift from there?
Santa.I had not thought of that. Yes, ask what e’er thou wilt, be it in my power to do so I will grant it.
Kitty.You have given your word.
Santa.Yes, and my word is worth twenty piastries on the dollar.
Kitty.Then papa, bring me—bring me—a man!
Mrs. C.What is the child saying?
Omnes.She says she wants a man!
Santa.(aside) Caught out on a foul! How am I to get out of this predicament? I have given my word and I would rather break a dollar bill than break my word. (thinks) Ah, I have it! I will bring her a man, but oh, such a man! I will bring her a boodler, a fee-grabber, a Farmer’s Alliance advocate, ha! ha! ha! She will be disgusted with the whole race and I will save my honor and my child. (turns toKitty.) Daughter, you shall have your man.
During this speech all indulge in business of surprise atKitty’srash request.
Kitty.Papa, you are a gem!
Santa.A gem, daughter? You mean a jewel do you not?
Gus.No she means tin-types; three for a quarter, doncherno. (sleigh-bells heard offR.,Gussiein horror) Great smoke! There goes that chestnut bell again.
Santa.Ah! my sleigh and my fleet-footed reindeers are ready. I must away.
Enter,FootmanandCoachman,C.,and stand one on each side of entrance.
Footman.Your majesty, we are ready.
(bows low
Santa.And so am I. My friends you well might envy me my ride to-night, with the pale moon shining overhead and the white snow gleaming beneath the feet of my fleet-footed reindeers. And the bells, what melody their little metal tongues peal forth upon the frosty air. Surely it is a subject worthy the pen of a poet; the description of a sleigh-ride on a night like this.
Santa Claus sings
SLEIGHING SONG.
To the tune of “The Village Blacksmith.”
Cling, cling, cling, cling; hark, the merry jingle;Cling, cling, cling, cling; swift it’s drawing nigh;How it makes my nerves with joy to tingle,What’s the reason why?Ancient and hoary though I be,My beard a cloud of gray,There is no other sport to meLike riding in a sleigh.Chorus.Ancient and hoary though he beHis beard a cloud of gray,He says “There is no other sport to meLike riding in a sleigh.”Cling, cling, cling, cling: ring ye merry sleigh-bells,Cling, cling, cling, cling; on the frosty air.What tales of joy each little metal tongue tells,Joy without a care.Swift as swallows in their flightMy eight fleet reindeers go,With stars above to furnish lightReflected by the snow.
Cling, cling, cling, cling; hark, the merry jingle;Cling, cling, cling, cling; swift it’s drawing nigh;How it makes my nerves with joy to tingle,What’s the reason why?Ancient and hoary though I be,My beard a cloud of gray,There is no other sport to meLike riding in a sleigh.Chorus.Ancient and hoary though he beHis beard a cloud of gray,He says “There is no other sport to meLike riding in a sleigh.”Cling, cling, cling, cling: ring ye merry sleigh-bells,Cling, cling, cling, cling; on the frosty air.What tales of joy each little metal tongue tells,Joy without a care.Swift as swallows in their flightMy eight fleet reindeers go,With stars above to furnish lightReflected by the snow.
Cling, cling, cling, cling; hark, the merry jingle;Cling, cling, cling, cling; swift it’s drawing nigh;How it makes my nerves with joy to tingle,What’s the reason why?Ancient and hoary though I be,My beard a cloud of gray,There is no other sport to meLike riding in a sleigh.
Chorus.Ancient and hoary though he beHis beard a cloud of gray,He says “There is no other sport to meLike riding in a sleigh.”
Cling, cling, cling, cling: ring ye merry sleigh-bells,Cling, cling, cling, cling; on the frosty air.What tales of joy each little metal tongue tells,Joy without a care.Swift as swallows in their flightMy eight fleet reindeers go,With stars above to furnish lightReflected by the snow.
Repeat chorus softly asSanta ClausexitsC.,followed byFootmanandCoachman,the rest gazing after him.
CURTAIN.
END OF ACT I.
SCENE.—Same as in Act I. Sleigh bells heard in distance coming nearer, until they stop atC.;Santa ClausentersC.,followed byGussieand preceded byFootman.
(Exit,Footman.
Gus.Your majesty has returned. You are even more prompt than usual. No one would suspect that those venerable whiskers of yours had been silvered by the frosts of many hundreds of winters.
Santa.No, Gus my boy, time has no power to dampen the ardor of old Santa Claus, nor to make him the less able to perform his self-appointed duties. But that reminds me Gus.; last night my daughter made a strange request. You heard it did you not?
Gus.Yes, your majesty, I heard it, and thought it strange that you should make the promise that you did.
Santa.And so it was, and would have been much worse than strange had not a happy thought struck me with a force like unto a hod of falling bricks.
Gus.In other words, you had an idea.
Santa.Right you are; and as a reward for your years of faithful service I propose to share it with you.
Gus.(aside) I wish his idea would take the form of an increase in my salary. Ten dollars a month scarce suffices to keep me in raiment befitting my noble birth and high position, doncherno.
Santa.What were you saying, Gus?
Gus.I was saying, your majesty, that I would indeed be proud to share your first idea with you.
Santa.Well then, this is the scheme: I have brought back with me a man as green as the green isle from which he came, a regular Paddy of the old school. My daughter, having seen no men but you and me, will conclude that he is one of the choicest specimens of his species, and will thus be disenchanted.
Gus.The scheme looks well upon the face of it; I only hope that it may conclude even as your majesty wishes.
Santa.You hope that it may work! Why sir, itmustwork! Think of the position I would be in should my daughter ever marry! In six short months or less, my son-in-law would have my throne and I would lose my job; mayhaps, shorn of my kingly robes, be slinging hash to earn my daily bread.
(shudders
Gus.Well now, that’s clevah, deucedly clevah, by Jove.
Santa.What is that? Clever, did you say?
Gus.I mean, your majesty, that it was very clevah of you to extricate yourself from such a trying situation.
Santa.Oh! yes, that’s different; and now I will proceed to unfold my plans to you.
Gus.Proceed by all means.
Santa.I have ordered the terrier to be brought into this room, and have also requested that my daughter come here. We will conceal ourselves and enjoy her astonishment at her first meeting with her man.
(O’Rourke’svoice heard offL.
O’Rourke.Can’t yez let go av me arrums, yez miserable dagos? Do yez think Oi can’t walk alone at all, at all?
Santa.Ah! there he comes. Now then.
(they hide behind throne-chair
Enter,O’RourkeL.,withFootmanandCoachmanholding to his arms.
O’Rourke.Come now, yeez hand-organ aristocrats, lave go me arrums. (FootmanandCoachmanbow to him and exit,C.) (O’Rourkeshivering) Oh moy, oh moy, Oi don’t know whether this is an oice-crame saloon or a refrigerator car, but wan thing Oi do know, an’ that same is that this overcoat of moine is too foine for me prisint station in loife. (sees bell-rope) Helloa, phwat’s that? Oi think Oi’ll give her a pull and see if it won’t turrun on the stame. (pulls rope, great noise heard offL.,O’Rourketerrified) Oh Oi say now, phwat a commiseration Oi’ve created, to be share.
Enter,Footman,C.
Oh, get out av this, get out av this! You little spalpeen; can’t yez lave me alone at all, at all.
Foot.I have answered the bell sir, what is your wish?
O’Rourke.(aside) Oh, Oi see, he has come to take my order. (aloud) Oi say, send me up a ton of coal and a match; do yez moind?
Foot.We have no coal, sir.
O’Rourke.Will yez listen to that now! Yez have no coal, is it? Thin phwat do yez do for a foire, say now?
Foot.We use no fire, sir; we do not feel the cold.
O’Rourke.Yez don’t feel the could? Well thin, Oi do just that same. Yez can take moi ordher for a suit of clothes if yez plaze, sor.
(exit,Footman,C.
Well, what a quare set of crathures these are to be sure, and what a quare fix yez has got yerself into, McGinnins ould bye. Lasht night I was promenading down the streets of me native city whin suddintly biz—whiz—siz—and along came a sleigh pulled by six milch cows with forked horruns and a little man insoide all covered over with whiskirs. Thin out jumped thim little Frinch dagos, took hould of moi arrums and chucked me into that sleigh so quick Oi couldn’t draw moi breath; it’s down at the Bank yet. Oh, if Oi’d only had moi good shillelah then; Oi’d have cracked them wance or twice so Oi would. Thin, biz—whiz—siz—again, and here Oi am in a lodging house where they don’t have no foire and don’t feel the could. Oh moi, oh moi, Oi’ll have to keep circulatin’ around or Oi’ll be an oiceberg, so I will.
(dances around the room to keep warm
Enter,Kitty,C.,unobserved byO’Rourkeand watches him for a time.
Kitty.What are you doing there?
O’Rourke.(still dancing and not looking around) Kaping warrum to be coorse. Did yez think Oi was saying moi prayers?
Kitty.Are you a man?
O’Rourke.Av coorse Oi’m a man. Phwat did yez take me for, a statty of Venus?
(strokes his chin whiskers
Kitty.Then you must be the man my papa was to bring me.
O’Rourke.Yis, Oi’m yer man. (stops dancing and looks at her) Why, begorra it’s a girrul! How do you do, Miss Cleveland?
Kitty.My name is not Cleveland, sir: My name is Kitty Claus; I am the daughter of Santa Claus.
O’Rourke.Was that him what tore me away from moi home and kindred last noight?
Kitty.I suppose so.
O’Rourke.Then, Miss Claus, Oi shall have yer father prosecuted for cruelty to animals. That’s phwat Oi will. (motionsKittyto come nearer) Come here, now, come here, come here. (Kittycomes to his side,O’Rourkein a stage whisper says) Do yez chew gum?
Kitty.No sir, my mamma says I mustn’t.
O’Rourke.Well now, that’s a good girrul. Here is a penny; go to the blacksmith’s and get a bun. Say, do you play on the type-writer?
Kitty.Play on the type-writer?
O’Rourke.To be coorse.
(goes through motions of writing with his fingers
Kitty.What is that? I never saw a type-writer.
O’Rourke.Never saw a type-writer? Oh moi child, moi child, Oi fear your musical eddication has been sadly neglected.
Kitty.I hope not, sir. I can sing quite well; at least so my papa says. Shall I sing for you?
O’Rourke.Yis, sing to me.
Kitty.What shall I sing?
O’Rourke.Oh, Oi don’t, care; anything but “Marguerite.”
Kitty.Well then, how would you like to hear “The Song That Reached My Heart?”
O’Rourke.Oh, don’t do that, don’t do that. Oi’ve got the toothache.
Kitty.You are hard to please, sir; but if you do not care to hear the song that reached my heart, I will sing you one of my own composition, written upon a theme which is nearest my heart, “The Pleasure of Catching a Man.”
Kitty sings
THE PLEASURE OF CATCHING A MAN.
Music, “McSarley’s Most Elegant Twins.”