CHAPTER V.

TEACHER: "On what occasion did Our Lord use the words, 'With God all things are possible'?"SMALL CHILD: "To the woman who had seven husbands!"

TEACHER: "On what occasion did Our Lord use the words, 'With God all things are possible'?"

SMALL CHILD: "To the woman who had seven husbands!"

It would be a real novelty to write a book having even the most remote reference to education without bringing this in. But lest the headline should terrify the reader with the fearful apprehension that it is my purpose to plunge once again into the bitter and apparently never-ebbing waters of religious strife, let me hasten to say that I have no such maleficent intention. In the classification of my budget of anecdotes I find I have an abundant selection of those which have arisen in connection with the daily Scripture lesson; and, as I havealready said, they represent the richest harvest of all. The reasons for this I have endeavoured to set forth. It only remains for me, in submitting the following stories, to add that no irreverence is intended. There are, I know, some curiously constituted people who find offence in the most ingenuous laugh if provoked by what they deem a sacred subject. I would respectfully yet firmly adjure them not to read the stories which immediately follow.

The Seventh Commandment—New Style.—In the first place the dailyviva vocerecital of the Commandments leads to quaint distortions when the youngster comes to commit to paper what he has been saying day by day for a year or so. Here are two startling variants on the Seventh of the selfsame Commandments—

"Thou shalt not kick a duckery.""Thou shalt not come into the country."

Some New Versions of the Tenth.—Here is a weird distortion of the Tenth:—

"Thou shalt not cumt thy neighbours house, thou shalt not cumt thy neighbours wife, mornin' circus, mornin' 'oss, mornin' ass, mor anything that is his."

Quaint in its way, but not so fearfully and wonderfully contrived, is the following misquotation also of the Tenth Commandment:—

"Thou shalt not covet ... nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anythingdangerous!"

"Thou sha't not Bow Dean!"—Still affecting the Commandments, though a story of another colour, is the following:—

In a village in Yorkshire dwelt the two granddaughters of a former vicar. These good ladies often met in the streets the children who attended the village school. On such occasions they expected the latter to acknowledge them—the boys by raising their hats and the girls by curtseying. Now onesturdy urchin often disregarded the ladies, and they accordingly spoke to his father respecting his conduct. The parent questioned the boy, and soon found out that the complaint laid against him was true. On being asked why he did not lift his cap, the culprit replied, "Ah dean't think ah ou't ta dea sa.Dean't us larn at t' skeal, 'Thou sha't not bow dean ta ony graven image'?"

In Braid Yorkshire.—The diocesan inspector was questioning a class of boys about the story of Joseph as a slave, interpreter, &c., and incidentally asked the following question: "What did Joseph's father think when the brothers brought Joseph's coat covered with blood?" The reply of a small boy quite upset the official's gravity: "Please, sir,he thought a coo had tupped him!"

On Bread and Chicken.—Imagine the surprise of the schoolmistress when a little lad, in giving hisversion of the "Temptation," informed her that Christ partook ofbread and chickenin the wilderness. Judicious questioning elicited the fact that the young hopeful had based his opinion upon two extracts: "Man shall not live by bread alone," and "Get the hens, Satan!"

Three Evils.—It was the annual Scripture examination, and the inspector was questioning a class upon the Catechism. "It was promised for you in your baptism," said the official inquisitor, "that you would fight against three great evils. Tell me what they are." "My godfathers and godmothers," was the reply of one youth.

In the Application thereof.—The school had been closely questioned by the inspector in Scripture, and at last a bright idea seemed to strike him, for he said: "Suppose Christ came into this room now and offered to perform a miracle for you, what wouldyou ask him to do?" There was silence for some moments, and then up went a hand. The inspector asked for a reply, which was: "Cast out a devil, sir!"

A Baste but not a Bull.—The following occurred in a Dublin school during the Scripture lesson:—"What does the Bible say will happen to the proud?" asked the examiner. "Please, sir, they will become animals," replied one bright little chap. "Oh, that's a curious answer. What text have you to prove it?" queried the interrogator. "He that humbleth himself shall be exalted, and he that exalteth himselfshall be a baste!" promptly replied one of the youngest of Ould Oireland's hopefuls.

The Flesh Pots.—A class was in the habit of singing at close of school the well-known Grace: "These creatures bless," &c. Having some doubts as to the accuracy of the words being sung by oneboy, the master asked him to repeat them. He was not a little astonished to hear recited the words—

"These creatures bless and grant that weMay feast on pounds of rice with Thee."

Overheard in the Playground.—Small lad to a friend: "I say, Jack, what do you think our teacher told us this morning?" "I dunno." "Well, he said there was once a man going down from Jerusalem to Jericho,and as he was going the thorns sprang up and choked him!"

Samivel, Beware!—Inspector: "Why was Elisha sorry when the Shunamite's son was dead?" Ingenious lad, who has just been devouring Mr. Pickwick: "Because he didn't like being left alone with a widow." (Inspector smiled.)

Some Unfamiliar Exhortations.—Children, as I have said, often get hold of the wrong words inprayers and hymns. For instance, one child was heard to pray: "Forgive me all that I have doneon Christmas Day" (amiss this day). Another was heard to plead: "And give us an eagle" (and deliver us from evil). While a third after meals repeated: "Let manners to us all be given" (Let manna to our souls be given).

Noah's First Task.—At a recent Scripture examination the examiner asked the following question in the infants' class: "What was the first thing Noah did when he came out of the Ark?" A tiny girl put up her hand, and on being asked, said: "Please, sir, he buried all the drownded people."

Why a Doorkeeper?—Teacher: "What did David mean when he said he'd rather be a doorkeeper of the House of the Lord?" Boy: "Because, if he was a doorkeeper,he could walk about outside while the sermon was being preached."

A Question of a Main Drainage.—Subject: Scripture lesson on "The Flood." Teacher had explained how it rained and rained until the tops of the highest hills were covered. Pupil of inquiring mind suddenly puts up her hand and asks: "Teacher, wern't there no sinks?"

An Altogether Unexpected Reply.—A teacher who had given a lesson on the Birth of Christ and the Virgin Mary was proceeding to question the children, and asked: "Who was the mother of Jesus?" To her great astonishment, a small girl chirped out: "Please, m', the blessed bird canary!"

The Little "Down-along's" Dove.—The inspector was examining a class of Westcountry infants, and had asked: "When our Lord was baptised, what bird came down on His head?" One little Devonshire dumpling at once retorted: "Please, sir, a little yeller-hammer, sir!"

The Part that Never Dies.—During a Scripture lesson a teacher of little dots was greatly surprised upon asking: "What part of you is it that never dies?" to receive from an excited youngster, "The Holy Ghost."

Who was Sorry?—A class was being questioned on the prodigal son's return. The teacher: "Who was sorry when the prodigal son returned?" Little Boy (after deep thought): "The fatted calf, sir."

About Eli.—Teacher: "Tell all you know of Eli." Small Girl: "Eli was a very old man, and Eli was very sickand Eli brought up Samuel."

A Homely View.—Head mistress: "What was the first thing that the little boy Samuel did when he got up in the morning?" Cheery little mother: "Please, mum, he carried up a cup of tea to Eli!"

Mixed.—A small boy, who had been reading about Sir Walter Raleigh and the Virgin Queen, in writing of Elijah, said: "As Elijah went up to Heaven he dropped his mantle,and Queen Elizabeth walked over it."

"I Believe."—"Write down what you are saying," said a teacher once to a pupil who with others was reciting the Apostles' Creed. "Suffered under Pontius Pilate," came out "Suffered underbunch of violets!" At the little village school of Bonchurch, Isle of Wight, it was once set down "Suffered under Bonchurch Pilot!"

"And to bed you go."—"Tell us a story, please," said the little ones once to their teacher on Friday afternoon. She, consenting, asked whether they wanted a new one or an old one. "Cinderella," said one; "Aladdin," asked another. Then from a rather heavy boy, "I want the tale of Citrate of Magnesia and to bed you go." She paused in completeobfuscation. Then a sharp little girl said: "That's wrong, governess, it wasn't Citrate of Magnesia, but itwasto bed you go,and they were all in the fire and not burnt." The teacher recognised the Bible incident ofShadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego!

What Happened.—Scene: Class of infants and Standard I. Time: Scripture lesson. Teacher, impressively (to children anxiously watching—in imagination—the development of an old-world tragedy): "Then Abraham having bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, took the knife in his hand—when lo!—What happened?" Big dunce from the gallery (in a voice hoarse with excitement and pent-up feeling): "Hisaac 'ollered out."

Biblical Cricket.—The vicar recently came down to distribute the prizes to the successful athletes at the school sports. In his prefatory remarks, he mentioned that games were not unknowneven in scriptural times, and asked if any boy could furnish a text to prove this. "Yissir," said one urchin, "our Lord said to a team of His disciples when they was agoing to play in a cricket match: 'Beware of the'levenof the Pharisees.'"

The One Thing Necessary.—Venerable Archdeacon: "Now, my dear children, I will ask you a few questions in your Catechism. Which of you can tell me the two things necessary in Baptism?" "Quite right, 'Water.' Water is one thing, and what is the other? What! can none of you think what else is necessary? Well, little girl, what do you say?" Little Girl: "Please, sir, a baby."

Division of Labour.—The subject of a Scripture lesson to a class of girls in Standards V. and VI. happened one day to be the Resurrection. Whether the curate, fresh from the 'Varsity, failed to make the matter interesting because of faulty arrangementof matter or indifferent method is not recorded. But the girls did not show much attention while the changes which are to come to our vile bodies were being tabulated. So, turning to one girl more conspicuously inattentive than the rest, the curate sharply asked: "Mary Jane! who made your vile body?" "Please, sir, mother made the body and I made the skirt," replied Mary Jane.

Taking the Bones.—A curate had been talking diligently for half an hour to a class of school children, but their attention was not very freely given. The subject was "The Doings of the Children of Israel," and very special mention had been made of how they had been commanded to take the bones of Joseph with them when they made their exodus from the land of Egypt. Suddenly pouncing upon one boy who was particularly inattentive, the curate said: "Whose bones did the children of Israel take with them out of Egypt,Sam?" Sam was nonplussed for a moment, then a brilliant idea struck him, and his answer came out triumphantly: "Their own!"

Moses and the Burning Bush.—The teacher was one morning giving a lessen on "Moses and his talk with God," introducing, of course, the mystery of the burning bush not being consumed, and laying particular stress on the reverent attitude of Moses in taking off his shoes before approaching the sacred place. At the close of the lesson the teacher questioned his pupils to gauge their interest, and among other queries he submitted the following: "Why did Moses take off his shoes before approaching the bush?" Judge of his consternation when he received the following reply from a little fellow of eight years: "Please, sir, to warm ees feet!"

Clever Teacher.—The vicar of a Somerset parish was noted for his extremely precise enunciation.He was in the habit of taking the Scripture lessons in the village school, and had spent some time on "The Lives of the Patriarchs." One morning he questioned a class upon the story of Jacob. "What did Isaac tell Jacob to do when he left home after obtaining the blessing?" asked the vicar, pointing to a dull, big boy. "He told un to pay the man, zur," was the response. "To pay the man!" replied the vicar wonderingly; "what man?" "Please, zur, I doant 'zacly remember what his other name were,but 'twere Dan somebody or other." The vicar lost the point of the answer; but the teacher, with keen appreciation, quoted softly to herself, "Arise, go to Pa-dan-aram," and she thought the boy was not wholly to blame for thinking thatDan Aramwas a man, and ought to be paid.

Rough on the Deacon.—"Explain," said the teacher, "all you can about the words Bishop, Priest, and Deacon." "I never saw a Bishop,"wrote one hopeful. "A Priest is a man in the Old Testament,and a Deacon is a thing you pile up on the top of a hill and set fire to it!"

The Thirteenth Apostle.—The question was: "How many Apostles were there?" "Thirteen," said one little chap. "Thirteen!" repeated the teacher in astonishment. "I thought there were only twelve!" "St. Matthew," replied the boy, "tells us the names of twelve, and St. John gives us the name of the other one—Verily, that Jesus used to talk to so much."

"Political Economy is the science that teaches us to get the greatest benefit out of the least possible amount of honest labour."—WEARY WILLY, JUNIOR.

There is no more universal fallacy than the firmly-rooted prejudice that finds a comment in the old tag that "Everybody's goose is a swan." How impregnably established is this conviction in the parental mind—when in contemplation of the capacity of its wonderful offspring—only teachers know. Eternal are the complaints that whilst Jimmy Miggs has been promoted to the Third Standard "Our Willie" remains in the Second! And brilliant is the diplomacy that is needed to make thesituation parentally endurable. Then there is the irate parent, the sacred person of whose immaculate hopeful has been gently touched with the discriminating hand of discreet personal chastisement. Ah me! What havoc such an one can work with the calm serenity of the schoolroom. Strangely enough, it is amongst the thriftless and self-indulgent minority of working classes—those who shockingly neglect and ill-treat their children themselves—that the teacher finds the greatest trouble in this matter of objection even to the most moderate and wisely-administered corporal punishment.

For myself, I hit upon an excellent expedient when the peace of the school was suddenly ravished by the sudden and unbidden entrance of some angry "mother." With great suavity I offered her a chair and considerately pressed her into it. If she could be induced to rehearse her complaints whilst still sitting down the fires of her fury would soon flicker out. Indeed, I have never yet met an angry womanin any walk of life who could sufficiently express her feelings whilst sitting down.Verb. sap.

The parental "Note" is often very amusing, sometimes abusive, and occasionally clever and caustic. Excuses for absence, which involve a reference to ailments with rather unspellable names are, naturally enough, badly boggled. Rheumatism, Neuralgia, Influenza, Lumbago, Inflammation, Diarrhœa—what tribulation these half-dozen words represent to be sure! And what excruciating distortions the parental note bears upon its usually rough and crumpled face. I rememberneuralgiaonce being rendered "real raw jaw," which is not so far out after all! "Very bad withNew Roger" is not so near a shot. I also recall a note of excuse that informed the teacher that Charlie couldn't come to school "because he has got haricot veins!" This is as curious as "In bed with Piper's Dance!" I have seen a "note," too, which speaks of Mary being "down with an illustrated throat, with glaciers on both sides!" And, finally, there was once the alarming case of Alfred, who had "gone to thehospital to have someaneroidstaken from his nose." But let a few of these little missives speak for themselves:—

A Novel Mode of Travelling.—The following excuse for lateness from a Dover parent is very appropriate to a seaside town: "Dear miss, please excuse mary being late as sheas been out on a herring."

Money Market Down.—Here is a verbatim copy of a note received: "Tom is not fit to come to school yet, as doctor Blight said I have to tell you as they haveInflamation in the Consols. John and Harry."

One for the Teachers.—The following note is from an irate parent: "Willie —— was absent From school this morning because Is mother is at market and I have no one here to do anything as you Do know I have Told you before know kindly statethe Reason That you and all of The Teachers was absent from school for a month without asking our leave. Mr. A."

"Hary and Emena."—Please sir hary and emena are unfit to attenion school hary is got to go to the infirny with Exmoor and emena all over him and not able to come I have seen Mr. Bennett." This excuse was to convey the information that Harry and Emma had gone to the infirmary because both were suffering from eczema, and that the mother had seen the attendance officer (Mr. Bennett) about it.

To Introduce Maud P.—A new scholar recently appeared at a Board School with the accompanying letter: "Maud P. will be 6 years of age next january 30th 1905 God Willen it she live she have not atended Scoole Much as she is Never well far lange toGether she suffer with a bad feat she have had 2wounds an it if you like to lett she take off her sliper an shoken you Can see it i fear it will break aut again as it is Very read and inflamed at Night and she Complained of pain it was in the furst place threw a kick fraw another Child at W—— P—— Scoole the Cause kindle see she is not hurt if you plese and Not to wipe she as she is a such a timed Sence Child ben ill so Much have rather spoilt her but she is i trust honest and truful and laven so kindness will do ware sharpness faile she only stain with Me to see if she Gett on all rite as her home is 2 Miles from a Scoole at —— her parents keep she i am her Grandmother & Canat see Very well so i fear My riten will be hard to read."

Parental Rage.—"If you please A—— B—— what made you not give F—— C—— his ticket on Friday for he had been 10 times so he ought to have had it so if you please dont to give him it on Monday morning i shall go farther to work with it. for i think i know more about school then you do for iwhen their long before you did he as been to school all the week so he as earnt his ticket so if you dont give it to him by fair means you shall by foul so you can please yourself for you are not master nor misstres yet and i dont think that ever you will be we have to pay rates so we have to pay part for the school and it was down right a shame that he was not put up when the others was for he is always at school wet or fine bad or well he never stop away their was never such teachers as you had to teach me when i went to school they know which way to teach a child and that is more than you do if he his not put up before long he shall go to another school for he does reading and writing very well at home at night so by that means he must do it good at school. so if he dont bring his ticket home with him on Monday dinner time you can look for some body to make you give it up for it was not in your place at all to keep it i know school rules."

Dropped into Poetry.—The following couplet was once received in reply to an inquiry as to the reason for absence:—

"Grim tyrant of the powers that be,Take note! The lad had leave from me."

On another occasion the reply came back:—

"George stayed away to make the hayTo please his own dear mother,And you can take the case to lawTo save all future bother."

"Gravity was discovered by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling from the leaves."—LITTLE JIM, aged 10.

"If the earth did not revolt it would be either all equal days or all equal nights," is the deliberate judgment of one young geographer; and the state of mental obfuscation here discovered finds a counterpart in many geographical answers given in the earlier days.Sodom and Gomorrahhave been described asthe two most famous volcanoes in the world; and the Nile has been mentioned asrising in Mungo Park.Penzancehas been spoken of as "the place where the pirates come from"; and the Red Indians have been located as coming fromRed India.Here is a brief list of what I may call geographical "howlers."

In the Geography Lesson.—"The sun never sets on English possessions, because the sun sets in the West, and all the English possessions are in the North, South, and East."

"The Arctic regions are neither hot nor cold. They abound in birds of beautiful plumage and of no song, such as the elephant and the camel."

"A table-land gets its name from its steep sides and flat top. It's all right when once you are up on the top, but it's no joke getting up."

"The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and Nature abhors a vacuum. Gravitation at the earth keeps the water from rising all the way to the moon. I forget whether the sun joins in this fight."

"What divides England from Ireland?" asked the inspector, who was elderly and deaf. The teacher trembled with apprehension as she heard a boy answer: "The Land of Goshen, sir." The inspector was obviously pleased, and said approvingly: "Quite right! Quite right!The Atlantic Ocean!"

Some time ago theStella, a South-Western Railway packet, struck on a rock near one of the Channel Islands. In an examination on General Knowledge I asked the name of the rock. A boy replied: "Rock of Ages."

Some History Lesson Blunders.—Now let me turn briefly to the History lesson and note the curious blunders and anachronisms that a modern rendering or a juvenile misapprehension of old-world facts reveal. Let me set out a few instances:—

"The cause of the Peasants' Revolt was that a shilling poultice was put on everybody over sixteen."

"The poll-tax was to be paid by everyone who had a head."

"The Fire of London, although looked on at first as a calamity, really did a great deal of good. It purified the city from the dregs of the plague and burnt down eighty-nine churches."

"King James I. was very unclean in his habits: he never washed his hands and married Anne of Denmark."

"Henry VIII. was a very good king. He liked plenty of money. He had plenty of wives, and died of ulcers in the legs."

"Edward III. would have been king of France if his mother had been a man."

"The conquest of Ireland was begun in 1170 and is still going on."

"The Pilgrim Fathers were the parents of the young men who took journeys to the Holy Land inthe Crusades. They had to give an allowance to their godly sons while they were away in the East. But they never grudged it, because it was an honour to be a Pilgrim's father."

"Sir Philip Sydney gave the last drop of water in his jug to a dying soldier on the field of Waterloo, as was mentioned in the Duke of Wellington's despatches."

"John Milton is the celebrated author of the excursion, and lived chiefly in the lake country near Carlyle."

Teacher: "In whose reign was that palace built?"Scholar: "Edward the Confectioner's."

"George I. was the son of the Electric Sophia."

"Isaac Walton was such a good fisherman that he was called 'the judicious hooker.'"

In the Science Class.—Not less amusing are the mistakes which arise during the "elementary science" lesson. Here are a few cases in point:—

"A vacuum is nothing shut up in a box. They have a way of pumping out the air. When all the air and everything else is shut out, naturally they are able to shut in nothing, where the air was before."

"A drug is any wholesome vegetable food for taking once in a way but not for regular food."

With the Little Babbages.—"Things which are double each other are greater than anything else."

"Circumference is a straight line round the middle of a plane."

"Two straight lines cannot enclose a space unless they are crooked."

Question: "If the sum of two numbers is a multiple of ten, what relation is there between the figures in the units place in the squares of the two numbers?"Answer: "(1) The same relation. (2) Ought is the relation existing between them."

Domestic Economy.—Question: "Give directions for sweeping a room."Answer: "Cover up the furniture with dust sheets, scatter damp tea leaves over the carpet, then carefully sweep the room into the dust pan and throw it out of the window."

The following notes are selected from the answers given at a recent examination of girls between twelve and sixteen years of age:—"Cheese is as wholesome as 8½ pounds of beef.—Beef is a useful article of food obtained from different animals, such as the cow, sheep, pig, &c.—The lean of beef belongs to the animal kingdom, and the fat to the vegetablekingdom.—Butter is good for the brain.—Milk is called a model food because it models the form of the child.—Without eating potatoes we would become very delicate, because potatoes are very necessary to sustain human life.—Pot-au-feuis mashed-up meat.—Crétinsare generally served up with green pea soup.—If a man lives without food for a considerable time, say sixty days, he will die at the end of a month; or if the constitution is delicate, he may only live for a week, or less."

"The Triple Alliance is Faith, Hope, and Charity!"—EMMA JANE.

The Best Side.—A penny was the object in question. The children had examined its superscription—obverse and reverse, when little Polly shyly said, "I like this side best, teacher"—pointing to Neptune and the shield. "Why, Polly," demanded the teacher. "Cause you can see the Queen riding on a bicycle!"

Jonah's Prayer.—It was an infants' class of forty children or thereby. The young teacher had found the way to the hearts of her pupils, and the children quite forgot they were engaged in work.Everything she said and did was real and right in their eyes, and her Bible stories were a source of wondrous delight. They would not have been astonished had they met Abraham or even some of the antediluvians in the street. The head master, on visiting the room, found them all interested in the career of Jonah, and told them he would come again to learn what they could tell about the errant prophet. As he expected, he found the story familiar to them, and so, with the view partly of trying their power of expression and partly of witnessing the perplexity of the embryo scholars, he asked them to tell him Jonah's prayer while he was in the whale. Words to express their pent-up knowledge failed most of them, but one more vigorous than the rest relieved himself thus: "Jonah just said, 'God, lat me oot o' this.'"

"When They're Running About."—It is the venerable old question, "What is a noun?" thathas drawn out the hoary answer, "Name of an animal, person, place, or thing." Of course the inspector follows up with the almost equally antique "AmIa noun?" and the little fellow tumbles into the creaking old trap with a cheery "Yes, sir." "Are you a noun?" proceeds the inspector, and the "Yes, sir" of the reply shows very little loss of confidence. "Are all the boys in the class nouns?" The sturdy little grammarian feels from the tone that someone has blundered, and the "Yes, sir" this time has an uncertain sound. Everything up to this point has been done in the most approved fencing style—three cuts up and one down; all the moves are as hackneyed as in the King's Knight's Pawn opening. It is only when the inspector is about to effect Fool's Mate——But let me give it as it happens.Inspector: "What is a noun?"Boy: "Name of an animal, person, place, or thing."—I.: "AmIa noun?"B.: "Yes, sir."—I.: "Are you a noun?"B.: "Yes, sir."—I.: "Are all the boys in the class nouns?"B.(a littledoubtfully): "Yes, sir."—I.: "And are all the boys running about in the playground nouns?"B.(brightening up): "Please, sir, no, sir.When they're running about they're verbs!"

Where the Ostrich Lays Its Eggs.—A class was being questioned by H.M. inspector on the ostrich. He asked the size of the ostrich egg, but could only get "Very big" or "Very large" for answers, so he asked them to mention something that would show himhowbig they were. After some hesitation, one boy put his hand up, and when asked, replied: "Please, sir, as big as your head." The inspector laughed, and then asked: Where does the ostrich deposit its eggs?" Again the same boy put up his hand and looked very anxious to be asked. When the inspector said, "Well, my little man, where?" the boy replied, "Please, sir, in our school museum!"

"Suffin' Red."—In Norwich tomatoes are called by the ordinary folk "marters." This by way of prologue. A young curate spent twenty minutes explaining to a young class what a martyr was. "Now," said he, "what is a Martyr?" The answer he received and did not expect was: "Please, sir, suffin' red what you eat."

"He Hasn't To Eat Sweets."—"Now, Johnnie," said a teacher, "if I gave you a dozen sweets and you divided them equally between your brother and yourself, how many would you give him?" "Please, sir, none sir! Cos' mother says he hasn't to eat sweets when he has worms."

He Knew.—H.M. Inspector (examining village school): "What is the opposite of a 'spendthrift?'" No answer. "Well, what would you call a man who sends you on errands and gives you nothing for going?" Boy: "Parson, sir." [Confusion of parsonwho was present and had gained a reputation for close-fistedness.]

Jack's Prayer.—Little Jack's father was visiting London and Christmastide was approaching. He had promised to bring a toy train for his little son as a present from Father Christmas. The day that the father was to travel Jack prayed—

"God bless papa, and bring him home safely,And—and—and his luggage!"

Under a New Name.—First class had taken poetry for the year from Scott's "Marmion." In repeating simultaneously, one girl, whose understanding of the sense must have been very hazy, amused her classmates by repeating instead of—

"Where's Harry Blount, Fitz-Eustace, where?""Where's Harry Brown which used to swear?"

The Raison d'etre of the Nose.—At a visit of one of the inspectors a "chat" had been going on with the babies about "The Elephant and its Trunk," and at the finish the H.M.I. pounced upon the accepted duffer of the class with "Now, my dear, you shall tell me what your nose is for," and was staggered with the reply, "Us haves it to wipe, sir?"

A Good Reason.—A short time ago a teacher was taking a lesson on the use of the hyphen. Having written a number of examples on the blackboard, the first of which was "bird-cage," he asked the boys to give a reason for putting the hyphen between "bird" and "cage." After a short silence one boy, who is among the dunces, held up his hand and said, "It is for the bird to perch on, sir."

Why the Kitten Died.—Visit of grandma—both four-year-old twins at once: "Grandma, Ninny's dead." Grandma, surprised and sorry,"Poor Ninny, he must have been poisoned?" Great burst of grief from both twins. Then a sudden lull from one of them. "Don't cry, Ella; don't cry so much! 'He died to save us all!'" [They had been to a children's service with the maid on Good Friday.]

Where the Snow comes from.—The other day a master visited the infant room during a snowstorm. He was curious to know what ideas the little ones had of snow, and questioned them about it. One little girl of five volunteered the information that the snow was swept out of heaven. "But how does it get into heaven?" asked the master. "Please, sir,the angels scratch it off their wings," said the tiny tot.

Bliss.—Teacher(word-building): "Quite right! L-i-s-s spellsliss, and if I put 'b' in front what word do I get?"Small Boy: "Bliss."Teacher: "Yes;but that's a new word to you, and so I must tell you what it means. It meanspeaceorhappinessorcomfort. Now make me a sentence containing this new wordbliss."Small Boy: "My big brother had ablisteron his toe."

For the Psychologist.—Here are four replies that well repay consideration:—

Antidote: A silly ant.

Oblivious: Without a liver.

Sciatica: A sigh from the head.

Anchorite: A good man who anchored himself to one place.

Why He Laughed.—The master of a school had been much annoyed by a trick played upon him by one of his boys. At last he thought he had caught the offender and severely chastised him. To his surprise, the boy, instead of resenting the chastisement, burst out laughing. The master, in a tone of anger mingled with surprise, said: "How dare youlaugh, sir? Why are you so doing?" The boy, trying hard to suppress his laughter, said: "Cos, please sir, you are hitting the wrong boy."

The National Anthem.—A little Yorkshire patriot of ten years gave the following written version of "God Save the King":—

Back to Index Next