BOARDING ON A FARM.

Scene I.—Parlor.Mr. Montgomery,L., reading paper.Mrs. Montgomery,R., sewing.

Mrs. Montgomery.Mr. Montgomery.

Mr. Montgomery.Well, my dear.

Mrs. M.We must go into the country this summer.

Mr. M.Is it absolutely essential to your happiness?

Mrs. M.(with suppressed eagerness). Of course I should enjoy it very much. But I wasn’t thinking of myself. The children need it far more than I do. They are both quite feeble and need fresh air and country living.

Mr. M.I hadn’t noticed that the children were not as well as usual.

Mrs. M.No, I dare say not. Men never notice such things. But they are both ailing; and if I didn’t doctor them all the time, they’d be down sick.

Mr. M.We can’t afford to pay the extravagant prices charged for country board.

Mrs. M.I don’t expect to go to a fashionable place. But we might get boarded, at a low rate, at some farm-house where we could get fresh fruits and vegetables, and those things which can only be found in the country. I’m sure it’s better to pay one’s money for such things than to spend it for medicine.

Mr. M.The sea-breeze is better than the country air. You might take a trip with the children to Hingham or Nahant once or twice a week.

Mrs. M.(slightly ruffled). How foolishly you talk! But then it’s what I might expect. These short trips always fatigue people more than they benefit them. When it’s too late to help the children, perhaps you’ll think of my advice and wish you’d followed it.

Mr. M.If it’s as serious a matter as you suppose, and this is the only remedy, I should say go, by all means.

Mrs. M.You must judge for yourself.

Mr. M.But I don’t believe it is possible to find such a place as would suit you at a reasonable price.

Mrs. M.(eagerly). I found an advertisement in last week’s paper describing a place that I thoughtwould be just such us we would like. Here it is. (Takes paper from table—reads.)

“Country Boarding.—Those who are leaving behind them the noise and dust of the city, and wish to refresh themselves by a communion with nature, will find a desirable summer retreat at Honeysuckle Villa, in the beautiful town of Hillsdale. It is within five minutes’ walk of the railroad, in the midst of a country rich in vegetation, and smiling under the liberal eye of a bountiful Providence. A beautiful lake, at the distance of a quarter of a mile, presents strong attractions for the angler, while a boat which has recently been placed upon it will enable the visitor to enjoy the luxury of a sail. No pains will be spared to render this a delightful retreat for the denizens of the metropolis.“Eliphalet Jones.”

“Eliphalet Jones.”

Mr. M.That sounds well enough. But what proof have you that things are as represented?

Mrs. M.I wrote to Mr. Jones, and received a very gentlemanly reply. As he says, the terms are quite moderate. Mrs. Livingston pays nearly twice as much.

Mr. M.What are the terms?

Mrs. M.Thirty dollars per week for you, myself, and the two children.

Mr. M.But are there trains at hours to accommodate me?

Mrs. M.Yes, I took pains to ascertain that.

Mr. M.Very well, then, make whatever arrangements you choose. We can but give it a trial.

(ExitMr. M.,L.)

Mrs. M.(triumphantly). That’s one point gained. The next thing is to make preparations for our journey. I was determined not to be cooped up in the city another summer, when all our acquaintances are boarding in the country.

(Curtain falls.)

Scene II.—Country railway station.Mrs. Montgomery,C., and two children,R., sitting with outer garments on. Two trunks, a bandbox and travelling-bag on the floor. EnterJonathan Hodge,L., wearing a coarse frock and carrying a whip.

Jonathan(toMrs. M.). Be yeaou the folks what’s going to the Joneses?

Mrs. M.Yes, we wish to go to Mr. Jones’, at Honeysuckle Villa.

J.Honeysuckle Villa. Wal, that’s a good un. Ha, ha, ha!

Mrs. M.(aside). Is it possible that they have deceived me? But I shall soon learn. (Aloud.) Is the carriage ready?

J.(laughing). Ya—as, the kerridge is waitin’. You can see it from the door (nods toward door,L.)

Mrs. M.(looks out with some curiosity). I don’t see any carriage. There’s nothing but a farm wagon in sight.

J.That’s the kerridge that’s come for ye, anyway. Mr. Jones thought mebbe you’d hev a lot of baggage, so he sent the hay-riggin’.

Mrs. M.But there are no seats.

J.Yes, there’s a board to put across, after we get loaded up.

Mrs. M.(indignantly). And we are expected to ride in such a vehicle as that?

J.There aint no use in callin’ it names. It’s easy enough ridin’ in it.

Mrs. M.But we cannot all sit on one seat.

J.The children can set on the trunks. (Takes up one of the trunks to carry it out. Exit,L.)

George.Say, mother, have we got to ride in that old, ricketty wagon? It’ll jolt like everything, I know ’twill.

Mrs. M.(in a soothing tone). We’ve only got to ride a few steps.

J.(entering). Don’t know ’bout that. I reckon it’s a good mile down there, and the roads aint none of the best.

Mrs. M.(indignantly). Mr. Jones’ advertisement stated that his house was only five minutes’ walk from the station.

J.Mr. Jones got the schoolmaster to write that notice for the paper. He came up to the house one night and did it. Jones told him to put it in pretty strong. The marster read it out ’loud after he’d writ it, an’ I declair to goodness, I shouldn’t ha’ knowed ’twas the same place we lived in.

Mrs. M.(decidedly). Well, if I don’t like the place, we shan’t stay, that’s all.

J.(smiling incredulously). Oh, mebbe you’ll like it, after all. Folks need a change sometimes. (Takes out another trunk,L.)

Florence.Mother, I’m thirsty.

Mrs. M.There isn’t anything to drink here. We’ll soon get to Mr. Jones’.

Flor.(impatiently). I want something to drink now.

Mrs. M.Wait patiently a little longer, and then you can have a drink of nice, fresh milk. (EnterJonathan.)

J.(aside). I shouldn’t be a mite surprised if they was disapp’inted in their expectations. I guess they won’t find many delicacies at Joneses. Leastways, I never did. (Aloud) Kerridge is ready, folks. (Takes bandbox and bag and goes outL.,Mrs. M.and children follow.)

(Curtain falls.)

Scene III.—Dining-room at country farm-house. Table is set for dinner.Mrs. Jonesbrings in pie,R.

Mrs. Jones(turning as she enters, and addressingPattyin next room). Dish up the beans, Patty, and be spry now. (Places pie on table and goes out,R.FlorenceentersL., and sits down.)

(Mrs. J.enters with potatoes, andPattywith a dish of baked beans, both of which are placed on table.Pattygoes out,R.)

Mrs. J.(addressingFlorence). Go and tell your mother dinner’s ready, child.

Flor.(bridling). My name’s Florence Malvina Montgomery.

Mrs. J.(glancing over the table to see if everything needful is upon it). Yes, I know it. Go and tell your mother dinner is ready.

(Florencegoes outL., and soon returns with her mother and brother.)

Mrs. J.Dinner’s ready, Mrs. Montgomery. Take that chair if you’re a mind to (indicating it), and the children can set, one on each side of you. (They sit.) Will you have some baked beans, ma’am?

Mrs. M.Thank you, no, I never eat them.

Mrs. J.Don’t eat beans! Why, they’re the wholesomest victuals there is. I’m sure I don’t know what I can give you to eat, then. I haint got nothin’ else but some cold corned beef, and was savin’ that for dinner to-morrer.

Mrs. M.I might, perhaps, eat a little of the cold meat.

Mrs. J.(in a loud voice). Patty, bring in the cold beef that was left yesterday.

Patty(outside). Yes’m. (Brings in meatR., then exit.)

Mrs. M.Haven’t you any new potatoes yet?

Mrs. J.Yes, but we thought, as we had these left, we’d use ’em up first.

Mrs. M.But these are watery, and not fit to eat.

Mrs. J.Oh, they aint bad for the time o’ year. Mr. Jones carried the new potatoes to market this morning. They bring a good price now.

Mrs. M.Well, I’m sure I cannot eat these. You may give me a piece of pie, if you please.

Geo.Mother, I can’t cut the pie-crust.

Mrs. M.I’ll cut it for you. (Tries to cut it, but it is so tough the knife slips and falls to the floor.)

Mrs. J.Let me cut it. (She, with some effort, cuts it and returns it toGeorge.)

Mrs. M.Haven’t you any strawberries?

Mrs. J.Yes, we’re goin’ to have some on the table Sunday. We send them to market every day, the first of the season, they bring such a good price.

Mrs. M.(sarcastically). I suppose you sell your cream too.

Mrs. J.Yes, we find we can make more money that way than by makin’ butter and cheese. So we buy our butter at the store.

Mrs. M.(indignantly). We came to the country expecting to get fresh fruit and vegetables. But it seems we are more likely to find them in the city. I am half inclined to go directly back; however, I will perhaps remain one week. It depends on how we are treated whether we stop any longer.

(Exit with children,L.)

Mrs. J.Lor’ now, what airs these city people do put on! Seems to me there’s no end to their whims and wants. They don’t have the least thought about economy.(In a loud voice) Patty, you and Jonathan come to dinner.

P.(outside,R.). Comin’, ma’am.

(Curtain falls.)

Scene IV.—Sitting-room.Mrs. M.present,R.

Mrs. M.I can’t stand boarding here much longer, that’s a fixed fact. Mrs. Jones sets a most wretched table, and the children are really growing thinner every day. If it hadn’t been for the name of it I should have left Hillsdale before this. The reputation of going to the country for the summer is hardly sufficient to pay for living in small rooms, sleeping on stifling feather-beds, and enduring such execrable cookery, and not a book but the Farmer’s Almanac to be found in the house.

(Florenceruns inL., with a terrified expression of countenance. Her hat is hanging down from her neck, and her hair flying in all directions.)

Flor.Oh! oh! I’m so scared. (Runs to her mother.)

Mrs. M.Why, Florence Malvina, what a fright you make of yourself! Pray what is the matter?

Flor.I guess you’d be frightened if you’d been where I was. I just went outside of the road to find some blackberries, when I thought I heard somebody coming. I looked round, and there was a great ugly-looking cow running after me. I ran as fast us I couldtill I couldn’t go any further, and then I crept underneath the bars, and came up through the field.

Mrs. M.It’s a shame for people to allow their cows to run around the streets in such a way. It’s lucky that you were not killed.

Flor.The cow would have taken me up on her horns if she had caught me, I know she would. She held her head down all ready to do it. (EnterGeorge,L., covered with mud and water). Why George, did you almost get drowned? Just look, mother. George is just as wet as he can be. (Georgelooks askance at his mother, but says nothing.)

Mrs. M.(severely). Well, George Alexander, this is a pretty plight for you to be in. What have you been doing now?

Geo.(defiantly). I wasn’t doing anything, only building a dam down by the spring, and pretty soon some boys came along, and they laughed at me, and said they bet I couldn’t jump the ditch there. So I meant to show them I could, and I did do it too; but the ground was all soft and wet the other side, and when I tried to jump back again I fell into the ditch.

Mrs. M.What boys were they?

Geo.The Dunn boys. They knew it was wet the other side, and when I fell in, you ought to have heard them laugh.

Mrs. M.They are nothing but ill-bred country blockheads. (ToGeorge.) But don’t stand there any longer with those wet clothes on. Go and change them at once.

(ExitGeorge,L.Florencefollows him.)

Mrs. M.(sola). What a wretched place this is! If I was obliged to live in such a way at home, I shouldn’t think I could bear it. The family here haven’t evendecentaccommodations for keeping boarders.

(EnterFlorence,L., in state of great excitement.)

Flor.O mother, two men are coming, and they are bringing father in. I’m afraid he’s killed.

Mrs. M.(starting up). What do you mean, child? (Enter men,L., bearingMr. M.Mrs. M.clasps her hands in anxious suspense; goes up to her husband.) What is the matter, Henry? Has there been an accident? (The men placeMr. M.on sofa and exitL.)

Mr. M.It isn’t quite as bad as it seems. I was a little tired and thought I’d ride up from the village to-night, instead of walking. But the stage broke down, and I was thrown out. I was a good deal bruised, but I believe there are no bones broken. Dr. Bryant examined me, and said I would be all right in a few days.

Mrs. M.Well, as soon as you are able to leave, I’m going back to the city. I can’t stay here any longer.

Mr. M.(smiling). You don’t mean that you are willing to go back to the city, and endure all its discomforts again.

Mrs. M.I’ve come to the conclusion that there are as many annoyances in the country as in the city.

Mr. M.But you forget that the children cannot have country fare after our return.

Mrs. M.No, I do not. I find that the country fare we sought is all sent to the city, and we must return there in order to enjoy it. After two weeks’ trial of living in the country, I am thoroughly tired of it, and I think a long time will elapse before I again wish to try the experiment of Boarding on a Farm.

(Curtain falls.)

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