ACT II.SCENE I.—Interior of a neat cottage, door and window in flat; table on theR., a china flower-stand on it.MISSMARIAMACAWdiscovered, hemming a handkerchief; she takes a note from the table and reads.Miss Mac.(Reading.)“Miss Snare will be happy to have the pleasure of Miss Macaw’s company to tea this evening; of course Miss Macaw’s niece is included in the invitation.” I am sure I have no inclination to go, but Jessy insists upon it, she is so anxious to make an acquaintance with any one, that I’m sure if the gardener were to ask her to dine with him, she would accept the invite. I hope there will no men there, the brutes. One of the chief things that has reconciled me to this country life, is the very few male creatures that I have met with here. Ah, if I had my will, the sex should be exterminated! Well, niece?EnterMISSJESSYMEADOWS,F.E.L., with a bouquet in her hand.Miss Mea.Ah, my dear aunt, at your needle as usual. I have been gathering flowers in our little garden—there.(She places the bouquet in the flower-glass on the table.)Are they not beautiful? I love flowers—I have a passion for them.Miss Mac.You should not use such ardent expressions. It is very unseemly in a young lady to talk of having a passion for anything, whether animate or inanimate. If you begin with flowers, you may end with the same enthusiasm in behalf of a human object; and if that object were to be a man, I should tremble for the result!Miss Mea.The most natural result might be matrimony; and is there anything so very terrible in that, my dear aunt?Miss Mac.Terrible! I look upon matrimony as the general prologue to all the tragedies of life.Miss Mea.Toall, aunt?Miss Mac.All. From the singular instance of the siege of Troy, to the connubial pluralities of Henry the Eighth!Miss Mea.Is it possible, aunt, that you never had an offer in all your life?Miss Mac.Never! I always expressed my antipathy to the male sex so openly, that no man ever ventured atête-à-têtewithme; if one dared to whisper nonsense inmyear, I used to turn and petrify him at once with a look——Miss Mea.Like the Gorgon’s head on the shield of Minerva—your face turned every approaching lover to stone!Miss Mac.Though I have often wished that a manwouldhave the temerity to make me a sincere proposal.Miss Mea.What would you do, aunt?Miss Mac.Accept it at once!Miss Mea.You would?Miss Mac.Because, in being a wife, I should have it in my power to make one of the sex utterly miserable! Oh, if I had a husband, how I would torment the creature!Miss Mea.Surely there must be some male person that you do not entirely dislike—Mr. Chester, for instance?Miss Mac.I am grateful to Mr. Chester for saving me from the attack of a ferocious bull when we were walking in the meadows six months ago; but beyond that simple feeling of gratitude, there is nothing in common between us.Miss Mea.He is again passing a few days here. I had the pleasure of speaking to him last night—he promised to call this morning to pay his respects to you!Miss Mac.Tome!No, no, miss, I can see through his shallow artifice! Under pretence of paying his respects tome, that he may have an interview withyou—there you see. Even a generous young man that rescued me from the fury of a savage bull, is not exempt from double dealing.[A knock,F.D.Miss Mea.Here he is.(Going to the door.)Miss Mac.Ishall retire.Miss Mea.Nay, not immediately.Miss Mac.If I remain, I can only be moderately civil.Miss Mea.’Tis all that is required from you, aunt.[MISSMEADOWSopens the door.EnterMR. CHARLESCHESTER,L.Che.Good morning, Miss Macaw. Miss Meadows, I hope you are well; and you, Miss ——(ToMISSMACAW.)Miss Mac.(Courtesying profoundly.)Quite well, sir.Che.Entirely recovered from your alarm six months ago, when I first met you running from the infuriated animal?Miss Mac.Entirely—though for some weeks I was excessively nervous. I assure you I have not been able to dine off beef since!Che.You are looking exceedingly well.Miss Mac.I don’t believe you.Che.Nay, I assure you——Miss Mac.Don’t utter falsehoods, young man. You know in your heart that I am not looking well—you merely say so, because you think flattery is agreeable to our sex. You know that I’m a perfect fright, but you have not the moral courageto tell me so to my face. You know you wish me at Jericho at this very moment, only you think it would be rude to order me out of the room; but I’ll spare you any further duplicity by leaving you. Good morning, sir.[She courtesys and goes off,F.E.R.Miss Mea.My aunt is a singular creature, is she not? though her heart is good, and, indeed, she is my very best friend. But for her care, I know not what would become of me.Che.I wish I could persuade you to accept of a protection, stronger and more lasting than any aunt can offer you!Miss Mea.I understand you—you wish to marry me.Che.I do.Miss Mea.But you are poor.Che.Very.Miss Mea.A painter in water colors.Che.And one of very moderate talents.Miss Mea.You were sketching a landscape when we first met you six months ago?Che.I was, and immediately turned portrait painter; for I drew your features upon my heart the first moment I gazed upon them.Miss Mea.And since that moment you have visited this place once every fortnight?Che.Being all the leisure I can afford—otherwise my whole life should be passed here, could I but command your sweet society.Miss Mea.During your absence we have been imprudent enough to correspond, and the result is, that we have written and talked ourselves into love.Che.And when a young gentleman and lady set about mutually confessing all their thoughts and feelings, their likes and dislikes, their hopes and fears, what other result could be expected?Miss Mea.And yet a strange fancy continually haunts me, that in all our candid confessions you concealsomethingfrom me. I cannot bring myself to believe that I am in possession of every thought, feeling, or circumstance belonging to you.Che.Even there a sympathy exists between us—Iam troubled with precisely the same fancy.Miss Mea.You think that I practice some little concealment respecting myself?Che.I confess that I do.Miss Mea.What can it be?Che.Ah! what can it be? Perhaps immediate matrimony will remove the mistrust.Miss Mea.If youwillmarry me, you know what you are to expect. I have no friend but my aunt—you see me as you first knew me, a half-educated country miss. I think I have agood heart. I know I have an indifferent temper—right management may certainly do much to correct that fault—I am very whimsical, very lazy, want a deal of attention, and can go into something like a passion when offended!Che.You don’t flatter yourself.Miss Mea.I wish you to anticipate the worst, so that if you should find me not so bad as expected, the surprise may be the more agreeable to you. If youdomarry me, it must be entirely for myself. Now if you persist in your intention, all that I can say is, that you are indeed a bold man!Che.I will be equally as candid with you. You do not reject my offered hand?Miss Mea.No.Che.Then if you accept me, you will marry a poor artist, who is entirely dependent on his own exertions—who likes retirement, has no care for company—who wants to be petted when he complains—his every whim indulged—who cannot endure contradiction—and, with very inferior capabilities, wishes ever to be thought most superior in all things—but one who, amidst this chaos of fault, can still create a little world of love for you!Miss Mea.After such a confession, I must be quite as bold a woman as you are a man, to take you—though when two people set about mutually confessing their faults, there may be some hope that they intend to correct them.Che.Corrected or not, are you content?Miss Mea.I am; and there is my hand to the bargain.Che.And this kiss upon its white fingers, ratifies the contract![CHESTERkisses her hand—she in return presses his hand to her lips.MISSMACAWenters.Miss Mea.Signed, sealed, and duly delivered!Miss Mac.Jessy! I must be deceived—pressing the hand of a man to your lips! I’m horrified!Miss Mea.He first pressed mine, aunt; and surely the gallantry should not always be on one side. We love one another; the passion brings us to an equality, and I have made up my mind whereIlove, never to be less tender, less grateful, or less enthusiastic than he that honors me with his affection!Miss Mac.Oh! what revolutionary sentiments! Now miss, I have done with you for ever. You are henceforth the mistress of your own actions. Do as you please: but never approach me with your matrimonial complaints and miseries, for I shall be totally deaf to them!Che.It shall be my care, dear madam, to prevent that, by never giving her cause to complain.[A knock at the door.Miss Mac.Who can this be? Another man, no doubt!DAMPERopens the door, and peeps in.Dam.I beg your pardon, will you allow me to enter?Miss Mac.I don’t know that I shall, sir—one of your sex has committed sufficient mischief here already!Dam.(ToMISSMACAW.)Don’t be afraid of me—you are perfectly out of harm’s way.(ToCHESTER.)As my business is with you, sir, perhaps you will step out to me.Miss Mea.Oh, sir—pray come in, sir.Dam.(Advancing.)Mr. Niggle, the gentleman with whom you saw me yesterday, is my friend.Che.Well, sir?Dam.There are strange tales about, respecting you, sir; and that female with whom you were discovered in close conversation yesterday—and, in behalf of my friend, sir, I am here to ask you in plain language, who you are?Che.It can be of little consequence to you sir, who, or what I am.Miss Mea.A lady! Were you in conversation with a lady yesterday? What lady?Dam.Ah, you may well ask. If that person is a stranger here, madam, whatever may be his intentions, look to him! My friend shall not fall a victim to the arts of a designing woman! You understand me—Ican see the likeness between you—precisely the same circumventing countenance!Miss Mea.A designing woman!—and a likeness between you! Pray explain.Dam.Well, sir, I have nothing more to say than this—your refusal to explain who you are, fully justifies my friend’s conduct towards that female; and any action that she may bring against him, he is quite prepared to defend. He has had experience in such matters, and snaps his fingers at you!Miss Mea.(ToCHESTER.)I am afraid there is too much truth in the fancy that, I confess, troubled me. You are practising concealment with me, and till you remove every doubt from my mind, you must not expect further candour from me.Che.Nay, hear me.Miss Mea.Not till you are prepared to explain all. You see what a temper I have—I do not hide the slightest foible from you, and I expect equal sincerity at your hands.[ExitF.E.L.Che.In good time I will explain all; but now I cannot, will not.[Exit, following her.Miss Mac.Well I’m sure. Upon my word, the fellows give themselves fine airs—coming in here uninvited, and creating disturbances—fancying themselves authorized by nature to sport with our feelings, and trample us under foot! And what doyouwant here, sir?(ToDAMPER.)What right, sir, have you under this roof? Who sent for you? Why are you standing there making grimaces at me, sir?Dam.Ha! ha! you are annoyed—I see you are, and it gratifies me; and my countenance always shows the gratification of my heart! When I see a woman vexed, I revel in the sight! Go into a rage, do—I should like to see you furious!Miss Mac.Oh, dear no, sir; you shall be disappointed. If my anger is a source of pleasure to you, it shall be subdued immediately.(Places him a chair inC.)Pray, sir, sit down—make yourself happy! Will you take a glass of wine? or shall I get my guitar and sing you a love song?Dam.(Sitting down,R.)I should like to taste the one and listen to the other, amazingly; but for once I’ll save you your wine and spare your vocal acquirements, and merely ask you a question, which I am sure you will answer, as I can perceive I have already made a favorable impression on your heart.Miss Mac.Well, sir, I will for once make an effort to be civil. What do you wish to know?Dam.Who is that young man?Miss Mac.I really cannot inform you—I know no more of him than I do of you; and I need not tell you that I wish to know nothing of either!Dam.Then, madam, allow me to say that I am astonished.Miss Mac.At what, sir?Dam.At a woman of your palpable experience opening your door to a stranger. How do you know what he may be? An assassin, a sharper, a seducer, perhaps.Miss Mac.For the matter of that, sir, this door has been opened to you, and, for aught I know,youmay be one of those characters! Oh, sir, look indignant if you please, but whatever you may be, in my eyes your whole sex is hateful. You are all brimful of deceit, design, villainy, selfishness, and brutality! Had I my will, my door should be barred and double-locked against your entire gender!Dam.Ah, you abusive woman! If wearevillains, ’tis your abominable sex that makes us such. If you were not weak, we should not be wicked? Who lost Mark Antony the world? a woman. Who betrayed the strong man into the hands of his enemies?—a woman. Who was the origin of all evil?—a woman, a woman!Miss Mac.Who leads armies to battle and slaughter?—man. Who tyrannizes over and enslaves our poor weak sex?—man. Who always plays the violin while Rome is burning?—man. And if womanwasthe origin of all evil, who has cherished and supported evil, heart and soul, since its first introduction?—man, man!Dam.And who has helped him?—woman! Good morning![ExitD.F.Miss Mac.That is the most complete savage I have yet encountered!Re-enterCHESTER,L.Che.Your niece, madam, desires to see you. If my visit here has at all annoyed you, believe me I am sorry for it, and can assure you that the annoyance will not be repeated; for Miss Meadows and I are now as strangers!Miss Mac.I am rejoiced to hear it.Che.I should have been proud and happy to have made her my wife without asking one question as toherorigin or connexions, so great was the confidence I reposed in her. She has proved that her faith cannot equal mine; and on that point we have parted, and for ever! Good morning.[ExitF.D.Miss Mac.The most pleasant piece of intelligence I have heard to-day.Re-enterMISSMEADOWS,F.E.L.Miss Mea.Has he gone?Miss Mac.To my great delight he has.Miss Mea.Will he return?Miss Mac.I have great hopes that he will not.Miss Mea.Why does he refuse to explain all to me?Miss Mac.As he has not asked you any questions, and appears quite willing to take a blind bargain in marrying you, I think it is but fair that you should be equally as ridiculous as the gentleman.Miss Mea.You make no allowance for a woman’s natural curiosity—her proneness to jealousy, weaknesses that do not beset the minds of men so cruelly as they do ours. He knowsthat, and ought to have yielded!Miss Mac.Come, come, my dear, come to your room.(Crosses toL.)I am very happy that this sad flirtation is at an end—I suspected you were both exceeding the bounds of discretion; and when you have gained my experience, you will regard all men with the same stern antipathy thatIdo! Come, come, don’t cry, dear. We are going out to tea, and you mustn’t cry. Weep for the loss of your kitten—the death of your bird—the spoiling of a new dress—but scorn to shed one tear for the loss of a man! It is quite useless; for the monster always carries such a large umbrella of selfishness, that the most pelting shower of tears can never, never penetrate him! Come, come.[Exit, leading offMISSMEADOWS.SCENE II.—A room atMISSSNARE’S—two chairs.EnterPINKEYandNIGGLE,F.E.R.Pin.Before the company comes, I reallydowant your advice on the matter. You have had experience with the ladies, Mr. Niggle—you have often popped in your time, I’llbe bound. Pray tell me how do you begin? Give me a lesson in the art.Nig.First get a favourable opportunity.Pin.All in the dark, eh? While you are talking, snuff out the candles, andthen, eh?Nig.No, no, there may seem too much of jest in that. Contrive some moonlight walk with your lady; or manage to be sitting alone with her on some lovely autumn evening, in the light of the sinking sun, when all nature seems going to repose. I popped to my first love on just such an evening, and had to fight her brother on a wet foggy morning a month afterwards!Pin.I’d rather not fight any brothers—I only want to pop to the sister; I don’t want any brothers to be popping at me in return! Oh, no.Nig.Get your charmer near the window, looking over a garden if possible.Pin.Well.Nig.Admire the beauty and quiet of the hour.Pin.Say “What a nice night.” I know.Nig.Then breathe a gentle sigh. Ah!(Sighing.)Pin.Ah!(Sighing in imitation.)Nig.While you affect to be playing with her pocket handkerchief, gently take her hand.Pin.Oh my gracious!Nig.Press it with a delicate ardour.Pin.Ah! Squeeze it as if I was half afraid.Nig.Then whisper these words: “Does not a moment like this inspire you with feelings indescribable?”Pin.Rather a long speech. Can’t I shorten it a little?Nig.No, no—every word is of value. She will reply “Indeed it does”—then in the most pathetic tones you can command, you must add: “For my own part, I feel its influence so strongly here”—placing the hand you have at liberty on your heart—“that I could live for ever thus.”Pin.Meaning in that attitude?Nig.No, no, with your heart full of the passionate feelings you are to experience at that moment.Pin.Ah, that’s speaking allegorically! Well?Nig.Of course she will make no reply. Then you must be affected—seem to dry away a tear—and add with fervour, “till this moment I have been a miserable man.” Let your voice falter on the word miserable.Pin.(In a tremulous tone.)Miserable!Nig.That’s it; then continue: “’Tis in your power to make me the happiest being on earth! Will you be mine? dearest angel, will you be mine? Say yes, and I am blessed indeed; but reject me, and instant death shall be my portion!” Then fall at her feet, sob audibly, and hide your face in her lap!Pin.Lord! I could never do all that—I might get as far as “Will you be mine?” but even then I think I should rush out of the house without waiting for the answer. And am I to sob and fall on my knees?Icould never do it, bless you—without I first took a few bumpers of spirits and water. Pray oblige me by writing the speech down for me. I’ll learn it by heart, and I wont wait for an autumn evening, but take the first favorable opportunity, eh? even if it’s to-night, eh?Nig.Your favorable opportunity is half the battle; and as for the form of the declaration and proposal, I warrant it—I’ve tried it five times myself, and it never failed yet!Pin.Hush! I hear her voice. Now step into the next room and write it all down for me, then I’ll take her unawares, and pop like fury!Nig.Take her by storm—take her by storm!Pin.I will, I will.Nig.Faint heart, you know——Pin.Never won fair lady!Nig.Hush! they’re coming—follow me.[ExitF.E.L.Pin.Now or never, I’m resolved![Exit, following.EnterMISSSKYLARK,carrying a small basket full of letters, followed byMISSSNARE,F.E.R.Miss Sna.And is that basket full of Mr. Pinkey’s letters?Miss Sky.Full.Miss Sna.How very strange that he can never get courage to express the feelings, that you say he so beautifully describes in his epistles. What can be done to make him speak out?Miss Sky.I suppose I must take his silence as the greatest proof of his sincerity; for all philosophers have declared that strong feelings, like great griefs, are generally dumb.Miss Sna.Then where is the language of love?Miss Sky.In that case the language of love is no language at all.Miss Sna.And yet you tell me he writes so beautifully.Miss Sky.You shall hear.(They sit;MISSSKYLARKproduces a letter from her basket.)Will you have a despairing or an enthusiastic letter?Miss Sna.Try me first with a little despair, then the enthusiasm will relish all the better afterwards.Miss Sky.Here is one that will suit you then.(Reading a letter.)“Dearest object of my soul—pardon the intrusion of your despairing admirer—but my passion for you is so intense, that neither night nor day can I close my eyes!”Miss Sna.Poor fellow, how badly he must want a night’s rest.Miss Sky.(Reading.)“For ever haunted by your charms, I have no other relief than in continually describing the feelings of my seared and desolate heart!” Isn’t that beautiful? Hemust have an affectionate disposition, or he couldn’t express himself so sweetly! “Seared and desolate!” What beautiful language! It seems only fit to be sung—never to be merely spoken.(Singing.)“Seared and——”Miss Sna.Pray don’t begin singing your love letters—we shall never get to the end of one of them.Miss Sky.I beg your pardon, I was carried away by my feelings. I’ll go on:(Reading.)“If it should be my wretched fate to meet with your scorn, pray destroy this letter, as you have already destroyed the happiness of your devoted slave——”Miss Sna.Eh! Bless me, those words are very familiar to me!Miss Sky.Familiar to you! Surely he has not been writing toyou?Miss Sna.I have that letter in my pocket at this very moment!Miss Sky.You have. Oh, the little monster!—I’ll box his ears!Miss Sna.Nay, nay, the case is not so bad as you suppose it to be, though I have a similar letter in my possession, it is not from Mr. Pinkey.Miss Sky.I don’t understand you—pray explain.Miss Sna.(Taking a small book from her pocket.)You see this book—look at its title.Miss Sky.(Reading.)“The Complete Letter Writer.”Miss Sna.Mr. Pinkey’s despairing epistle is copied word for word, from that book.Miss Sky.Copied from this book. Oh! the little amatory plagiarist!Miss Sna.Look and be convinced—turn to page 20.Miss Sky.(Reading.)“Dear object!”—here it is—even “seared and desolate” isn’t his own. Was there ever such impertinence—Oh! I’m in such a rage, if he were here I’d fling all his paltry letters in his face.(Turning over the leaves of the book.)Here they all are—“Loveliest of women”—“fly on the wings of love”—“meet my charmer”—“happy in her embraces for ever.” Here they all are word for word. How much did the book cost?Miss Sna.Eighteen-pence.Miss Sky.His despairing letters! his ardent letters! his reasonable letters! his polite letters! all, all copied from this book. And is it possible that so much despair, so much ardour, so much reason, so much politeness could have cost him but eighteen-pence; when I had fondly imagined they had cost him tears, and lonely hours of agony, and sighs and groans.—Oh! the little monster, if I could meet him now, I’d make him stand in the middle of the room, surrounded by his letters; I’d then set fire to them, and see him perish a martyr to his cool duplicity.[A knock.Miss Sna.Hush! he’s here.Miss Sky.Is he? I’ll let him know that my affections are not to be obtained under false pretences.[A knock at the door,F.E.L.Miss Sna.Come in.Re-enterPINKEYwith a paper in his hand,F.E.L.Pin.It’s only me. I’ve got the speech.(Aside.)There’s the old lady come, Miss Snare, and her neice that lives with her; you asked them here you know to find out who they are. And the strange young man, that nobody can learn what he can be, is here, too. The ladies were asking for you, and I said I’d find you for them.Miss Sna.You’re very kind, I’ll go to them directly. What do you think?—the young man that I have watched walking in the fields, every now and then, with the neice of the old maid at the cottage, and that we suspect is related to Miss Coy, is actually come here to tea this evening.Miss Sky.Have you invited him?Miss Sna.I caught him making a sketch of my little house here, and I told him as he seemed so taken with the beauty of its exterior that he was welcome to step in and survey the interior. Then I told him that two friends of his were coming here this evening, and that I should be happy to see him meet them. And he is actually come?(ToPINKEY.)Pin.Yes, down stairs walking about by himself.Miss Sna.Excellent! I long to understand the mystery that not only seems to surround him, but Miss Coy, and the other two ladies. So what with them, and Niggle and Damper, who are both coming——Miss Sky.And of course Mr. Boss?Miss Sna.Oh, yes; Mr. Boss of course.Miss Sky.Hem?Miss Sna.Now don’t look so sly at me—I confess the soft impeachment; but it is purely platonic, it is indeed. Well, when we are altogether, I expect my tea party will go off with eclat. Come to us as soon as you can.Pin.(Offering his arm toMISSSNARE.)Allow me to escort you?(Crosses toL.)Miss Sna.Oh, no sir; offer your arm to the lady that has the greatest right to it.[ExitMISSSNARE,F.E.L.Pin.Here’s the favourable opportunity come sooner than I expected. I’ve got the speech, but have not had time enough to learn it; perhaps I can recollect a few words and get a sly peep at the others.Miss Sky.A little piratical object, how I should like to box his ears; but I’ll controul my temper for a moment.(Crosses toL.)Pin.Hem! We are quite alone.Miss Sky.Yes, I perceive we are.Pin.Shall we sit down a bit, or how?Miss Sky.As you please.[They sit.Pin.Hem! Oh, dear! what a twitter I am in. I shall never begin.Miss Sky.(Singing without regarding him.)“Why so pale and wan, fond lover,Pr’ythee why so pale?Pin.I dare say Iampale; but I have made up my mind, and Iwillbegin. Does not a moment like this inspire you with feelings—with feelings——(Looking at his paper aside.)Miss Sky.What feelings?Pin.Indescribable. I’ve got that out—what a long word, for a man in a fright.(Aside.)Miss Sky.(Singing.)“Will, when looking well can’t win her,Looking ill prevail?Pin.Now she ought to say, “indeed it does.” Never mind, as I have ventured so far, on I’ll go. For my own part I feel it’s influence so strongly here, that I could live for ever thus. There—that was well said.Miss Sky.(Singing.)“Why so dull and mute, young sinner,Pr’ythee, why so mute?”Pin.But I’m not mute, Miss Skylark; till this moment I have been a miserable man—till this moment I have been—Zounds, what comes next? A miserable man—oh, my stars, I’m fixed for want of a word—a miserable man——Miss Sky.Have you indeed. Ah!(Sighing.)Pin.She sighs. If half the speech has such an effect, what will all of it do?(Looking at his paper.)Oh, here’s the next word.(Continuing.)’Tis in your power——Miss Sky.Ah!(Sighing again.)Pin.Another sigh. I’m getting on.Miss Sky.Dear object of my soul.Pin.Oh, good heavens! I didn’t expect such language. Oh! I’m all of a tremble.Miss Sky.My passion for you is so intense.Pin.Oh, she’s popping to me and saving me all the bother.Miss Sky.That neither night nor day can I close my eyes.Pin.Eh? Oh, my! that’s the beginning of one of my letters.Miss Sky.How beautifully you do express yourself.Pin.Do I?Miss Sky.You see this bundle.(Producing her bundle of letters.)Here are all your cherished letters; I need not tell you how I prize them.Pin.I ought to sob and fall in her lap now.(Takes out hispocket-handkerchief and tries to sob.)I cant. I dont feel at all inclined to cry. Perhaps I shall, presently.Miss Sky.If the contents of these billets——Pin.Billys! Oh, ah—I understand.Miss Sky.Were not copied from the complete letter-writer——Pin.Oh, I’m found out. Well did I ever. Oh, there’s no falling at her feet, now.Miss Sky.I need not confess they would be doubly dear to me——Pin.Oh, there’s no harm done.(He draws his chair closer to her.)Miss Sky.But, as they are mere second-hand declarations, permit me to return them. There—there—there and there.[She throws all the letters and basket at him and runs off; he remains covered with them.PINKEYregards them bewildered; gathers them together and puts them into his handkerchief.Pin.This comes of trying a warranted speech. And are these all my letters? What trouble I have taken, and in vain too. I’ll seal them up again—they’ll come in for somebody else! There’s some one at the door.[He has placed all the letters in the basket, and conceals it behind him.EnterBOSS,F.E.L.Boss.Pinkey, my man, they are waiting tea for you up stairs. Miss Snare wants you to assist me in handing the toast. What’s the matter with you man? you look bewildered—a tiff with your lady I suppose.[PINKEYutters a deep groan and goes offF.E.L.Poor fellow, I’m afraid he’s unfortunate in his choice; though I suppose one must marry, it seems a necessary duty to society. I can’t confess that I’m in love, yet there seems to be a something about Miss Snare that is very agreeable. She admires me that’s clear; and, as I admire myself, there is certainly some sympathy between us. The Spartan laws considered bachelors as infamous: I think I have a little of the Spartan in me, and am half inclined to be of their opinion. I’ll turn the matter over in my mind.[ExitF.E.L.SCENE III.—A large room atMISSSNARE’S—In theS.E.R. is a fire-place, mantle-piece, looking-glass, &c., complete; a fender before it bearing toast, crumpets, &c.; a table on theL., on which is a complete tea-service, urn, &c.—MISSSNAREis presiding at the tea-table—PINKEYandBOSSare handing the tea and toast—PINKEYis very nervous and confused—BOSStakes every opportunity of surveying himself in the glass—PINKEY’Schair is on theL. of the fire-place, that ofBOSSon theR.—NIGGLEis next toPINKEY—DAMPERtoNIGGLE—CHESTERtoDAMPER—MISSSKYLARKnearCHESTER—MISSMEADOWSbehind the tea-table, facing the audience—MISSMACAWin front of it on theL.—All laughing as the scene is discovered.Dam.(Drinking tea.)Ah, you may laugh, it was a miraculous escape, he was within a hairs breadth of the noose; but I saved his neck for him.Miss Mac.I wish you had tied yourself up in it instead. How I should rejoice to see you caught in the toils.Dam.If you could be tied up with me, I should not care for my own torments, while I could behold yours.Pin.(Handing toast toNIGGLE,and speaking aside to him.)Oh! Such a climax to my attempt at a pop.Nig.Did you try the speech?Pin.Only half of it, I was cut short—tell you by and bye.Miss Sna.Hand Miss Skylark some toast Mr. P. Put some coals on the fire, and bring me Mr. Damper’s cup.Pin.Yes, ma’am.Dam.(ToCHESTER.)I did not expect the pleasure of meetingyouhere, sir.Che.I am sure, to find you in the presence of ladies, is an event quite as unexpected by me.Miss Mac.I dare say it is, sir.Miss Sna.(ToCHESTER.)Do you intend permanently residing in this town?Che.I am undecided at present.Dam.Intend to live with yourrelation, perhaps?Che.Sir!Dam.(ToNIGGLE.)That was a home thrust. Observe how he avoids it.Miss Sna.(Loudly.)Coals, Mr. Pinkey, and you don’t attend to Miss Skylark.Pin.(Jumping up.)Oh, I’d forgot.[PINKEYseizes the coal-scuttle, and, in his confusion, is about to empty its contents intoMISSSKYLARK’Slap.Miss Sky.(Rising.)What are you doing, sir?All.Mr. Pinkey!Pin.(Running to his chair.)I—I—don’t know what I’m doing. I—want to go home. I’m a little out of sorts—and——[A loud knocking heard.Nig.(Starts.)That’s very like her knock. Do you expect another visitor, Miss Snare?Miss Sna.(Rising, and going toF.E.L.)No I do not.(Lookingoff.)It’s a friend of your’s, Mr. Niggle. Pray walk in, Miss Coy; pray walk in.Nig.It is she.Dam.Don’t be alarmed, I am with you—don’t be alarmed.EnterMISSCAROLINECOY,dressed in bridal white,F.E.L.; she enters in a dignified manner.Miss Coy.(Courtesying round her.)Good afternoon. I am sorry to disturb you. So, all assembled, the entire force of my traducers in full array before me. I am delighted to meet you all.Nig.I think she carries the calm dignity of innocence in her manner.Dam.All artifice.Miss Coy.(SeeingCHARLES.)Youhere too?Che.(Advancing to her,R.)Let them say what they will of you, my secret must be kept. If your intended possesses a real regard for you, it is not a mere tale of scandal that can turn him from you.Miss Coy.I am in such a fury—feel so insulted.Che.Then shower your wrath on their heads.Miss Coy.I shall not spare them, be assured.(Sits.)Dam.(ToNIGGLE.)Whispering, you see—agreeing both to tell the same story.Miss Sna.Tea, Miss Coy?Miss Coy.Presently, miss. Hem!Dam.(ToNIGGLE.)Clearing her throat to begin.Nig.If she plays upon my feelings I’m done for.Dam.She is sure to try to do that—theyalltry to do that.Miss Coy.You must be all well aware by this time, that I was about to be married to that fluctuating bachelor, Mr. Niggle, and, that the match is broken off, as much through the interference of his friend, as his want of the moral courage, necessary for so important an act as matrimony.All.(ButDAMPERandNIGGLE.)Ha! ha! Moral courage for matrimony.Dam.(ToNIGGLE.)Don’t let them have the laugh against you. Speak out, speak out.Nig.(Rising.)I confess it has been a want of moral courage: for, long as I have pined for the joys of conjugal life, such is my universal admiration of the fair sex, that if Ihavehesitated to pass my life in the society ofonefemale, ’twas in fear that I should discover some radical defect of temper or manner, that might disturb my notions of woman generally; and I rather prefer to admire you through the gay medium of fancy, than venture to take a peep at you through the pale optics of truth.All.Hear! hear! hear!Miss Coy.And yet if you could find a woman that would behappy only in your presence, who would receive you with smiles and see you depart with tears, who would anticipate your every wish, be your companion, friend and comforter, you would cast aside your scruples and boldly dare the worst. I am but repeating your own words, once uttered to me.Dam.Were you ever such an idiot as to say so much?Nig.Yes, yes, it was in a tender moment.Pin.On some autumn evening, eh?Miss Sky.I think, sir, we had better commence a general election for the honor of possessing your hand. Let each candidate publish her list of pledges, and she that may exhibit one that could approach the nearest to your wishes, should be chosen as the representative of your conjugal happiness.Nig.I am afraid the election once settled, as in other cases, many of the pledges would be forgotten; and a wife is a member that there is no unseating, let her disqualifications be ever so unconstitutional.Dam.Hear! hear! hear!Pin.Cheers from the opposition.Boss.Silence, Pinkey.Miss Coy.(Rises.)I am here to vindicate my character, not to expostulate with you, sir.(ToNIGGLE.)Miss Snare.Miss Sna.Madam.Miss Coy.You, in particular, have been making use of my name very freely.Miss Sna.What have I said.Miss Coy.Said! The other evening at Mr. Tattle’s, you said that my only motive for going to a watering place every summer, was for the purpose of riding a donkey, that the awkward paces of the animal might so set off my natural graces, that some wandering Lothario might be struck by them.Miss Sna.I see nothing offensive in the remark.Boss.(In his chair,F.E.R.)An elegant complimentIthink.Miss Coy.Don’t talk to me, puppy.(ToBOSS.)Boss.My dear Miss, I am sorry to see you so bitter, though I am not surprised at it. The superanuated beauty is ever the most acrimonious of old maids; as the finest Burgundy, when spoiled, produces the sharpest vinegar.All.(ButNIGGLE.)Ha! ha! ha![MISSSNAREkisses her hand toBOSS; he rises and looks at himself in the glass.Nig.I cant allow this. Miss Coy’s feelings shall not be trifled with.Miss Coy.Oh, sir, your championship is now too late, had it been exerted yesterday morning, this scene might have been spared.(Sobbing.)Nig.She’s crying: I can’t see her cry.(Rising.)Dam.(Pulling him to his seat.)Sit down. All women can command tears.Miss Mac.(Rising and calling toDAMPER.)Oh! you brute. Oh! you brute.Miss Mea.Aunt, pray keep your seat and your temper.Miss Coy.(Recovering herself.)And you, Miss Skylark, you must makeyourlittle additions to the tittle-tattle.Miss Sky.I.Miss Coy.A female adventurer, am I? deep in debt, and only anxious for a husband to remove that burthen from my shoulders; that I loiter in shady lanes, and pretend to study botany as an excuse for solitary walks; that I practice attitudes, sighs, and simulate fainting to attract attention.Miss Sky.Never said a thing of the sort, miss, and the consciousness that you have really been so ridiculous, has alone made you suppose such things to have been applied to you.(She returns to her seat.)Pin.(Advancing with great courage.)Oh, come, come, Miss, if that ladyhassaid that you were a botanist, and practice antics, I see no such harm in it.Miss Coy.You see, sir: what can it matter what you may see, sir?Pin.Perhaps it don’t; but it may matter what I can hear. Ah, you may look, I’ll makemylittle additions now, and then. I give you leave to turn all your vengeance on me, in lieu of attacking that lady.(Pointing toMISSSKYLARK.)Very fine indeed, to sit here pretending not to know your own son.Dam.Well said, Pinkey—excellent.Nig.If the little monster insults her, I’ll knock him down.Miss Coy.What does the lunatic mean?Pin.It’s not very often that I can say much, but when the fit is on me I can find words as fast as anybody, to express my meaning.Dam.Express your strongest, Pinkey.Nig.(Striving to leave his seat, is kept back byDAMPER.)He shall not.Dam.Sit down and hear all.Pin.Now, ma’am, while I’m in the vein I’ll have my say. You know that person there(Pointing toCHESTER.)is your clandestine son, and if Mr. Niggle had been unfortunate enough to have fallen a victim to your wiley arts, he would have found himself, not only the surreptitious father-in-law of a full grown young man, but responsible for a budget of bills, from milliners, linen-drapers, wig-makers, butchers, and wine depóts—and—that’s all.Dam.And quite enough I think. Look at her, see how confounded she is now.Miss Coy.(Falling into her chair.)Well, this is theclimaxof scandal.[MISSMEADOWSrises and comes forward, followed byMISSMACAW.Miss Mea.(ToMISSMACAW.)Pray let us leave the house.Che.(Advancing and detaining her.)Are we never to meet again?Miss Mea.Never, while so much mystery surrounds you.Miss Coy.(ToMISSMACAW.)A word with you, madam, if you please.Miss Mac.With me?Miss Coy.If that gentlemanisso closely related to me a reported, it becomes my positive duty to warn him against forming any connection with you, madam, and your supposed niece, there.Miss Mac.What may you have to warn him against?Miss Coy.(R.) Look at the “Weekly Tell-tale,” you are drawn there in your true colors. A run-away Opera dancer, and an insolvent boarding-house keeper, are not the most desirable connexions for any young bachelor.Miss Mac.(C.) Pray, madam, which may I be; the dancer or the housekeeper?Miss Coy.Whichever you prefer, madam.Miss Mac.Oh! the villiany of the world. This, sir, must be some ofyourmalice.(ToDAMPER.)Dam.No, no, I wish it was.Che.(ToMISSMEADOWS.)There, now we are both surrounded by mystery.Miss Mea.A greater reason than ever that we part.Che.A greater reason than ever that we should be the defenders of one another. Let slander do its worst—I repeat it aloud—let slander do its worst; for then is the time that we should surround our friends and defeat its malice. Then is the hour that the lover should be the more devoted; and, I here prove my devotion, by proclaiming before you all, that, let these ladies be under the worst of imputations, I am proud of the friendship of one, and shall be but too happy, to test my love for the other, by being her husband as soon as she will bestow upon me that happy title.Miss Mea.Ah! do I find myself surpassed in generosity; then, indeed, we are friends once more.(Giving him her hand.)Che.(L.) There you fluctuating bachelor,(ToNIGGLE.)when you wish to prove your affection, listen not to every idle tale, shrink at every paltry inuendo; but advance to the rescue of your ladies fame. Come, Miss Macaw, never heed slanderers, the ripest and the richest fruit is ever the most pecked.(Taking the arms ofMISSMACAWandMISSMEADOWSin his own.)Come, ladies, I will accompany you home. Mother!(ToMISSCOY.)since they will have it so, when you have fought your good fight, you know where to find me. Come, ladies; Miss Snare, good evening to you, thanks for your hospitality and its happy results.[Exeunt withMISSMACAWandMISSMEADOWS.Nig.He’s right, he’s right, this is the time that I ought to prove my love, if I have any.Dam.Youwillrush into danger.Nig.(PassingDAMPER.)Oh, Miss Coy, whoever that young man may be, his sentiments do honour to his heart. I have been weak, but——Miss Coy.Nay, sir, your penitence is useless now, circumstances have occurred since yesterday, that make the division between us wider than ever.Nig.What circumstances?Miss Coy.There is no necessity for explanation; you are free to rove where you will, and may the next confiding creature that accepts your proposal be more fortunate than I have been.(Going.)Nig.Nay, nay, don’t go, dear, don’t go. Damper, I must be married: think of the delights of a domestic temple of repose—a cheerful wife.Miss Coy.Ah, sir, strike the balance between celibacy and matrimony, I will assist you. Go on, sir,—a cheerful wife——Nig.Angelic!Dam.Sometimes cross as the devil.Nig.Ah, true!Miss Coy.Dear, rosy children welcoming your return home.Nig.Ah, delightful!Dam.To plague and torment you with their noise, and their screaming and fighting all the time you are there.Nig.Ah, true!Miss Coy.To find every comfort that can make life endurable.Nig.Oh, charming!Dam.With heavy bills for their enjoyment, every week.Nig.Ah, true!Miss Coy.(R.) To look round you, and say, this house is my paradise.Nig.(C.) Oh, happiness!Dam.(L.) Till some one runs away with your wife.Nig.Oh, Lord! There’s all my courage gone at once. No, I never shall get married.Miss Coy.Remain then as you are, sir, a melancholy bachelor. Be guided by your friend, sir, do; be guided by a man that supposes he has formed a perfect acquaintance with our sex, when the creature never had a female friend that confided her heart’s feelings to him in all his life. Go, sir. Enjoy your freedom;(Crosses toL.)but abandon all hope of me, for an obstacle to our union, now exists, that cannot be removed.[ExitF.E.L.Nig.(ToDAMPER.)I don’t know whether to regard you as my good or my evil genius; but, whichever you are, I must follow her.Dam.Don’t be weak.Nig.What is the obstacle that for ever prevents our union?Dam.Me, I dare say; yet, whatever it may be, don’t seek to know—be ignorant and be blest.Nig.I must, I will know; such is the perversity of human nature, that now I have lost all hope of being a married man, I have a greater longing than ever for the name. Iwillfollow her and learn the obstacle.Dam.Stay where you are.Nig.I can’t. I feel that I can’t.Dam.Then I’ll go with you.Nig.You had better not.Dam.I will.Nig.You had better not.Dam.I will.[NIGGLEruns off,F.E.L.; DAMPERfollows.MISSSNAREandBOSShave been flirting during the foregoing dialogue.PINKEYhas kept his seat near the fire, not daring to move, asMISSSKYLARKhas been constantly regarding him.Miss Sna.What an extraordinary series of events, for one afternoon, and no learning who or what Miss Macaw and her neice are.Boss.Or their gentleman either. It’s all very singular. Pinkey, my man, we are going to give you another opportunity; profit by it.Pin.Oh, don’t leave me, pray don’t.Boss.Try again, man; try again.Miss Sna.And avoid copying letters.Pin.Oh! those letters.Miss Sna.Now, Mr. Boss, will you step and look at my little parterre?Boss.Really, I’m noflorist.Miss Sna.But you always make some valuable observation, whatever you may be regarding—you can’t help it—your natural good taste is so prevailing.Boss.Do you think so, really?Miss Sna.Sincerely I do.Boss.Upon my life you are a very agreeable creature.Miss Sna.It requires little effort to be agreeable where you are.Boss.’Pon my honour, you’ll make me actually in love—Miss Sna.Ah!Boss.With myself.Miss Sna.Oh![ExeuntMISSSNAREandBOSS; PINKEYrises, and makes an effort to run out of the room;MISSSKYLARKrises.Miss Sky.I am sorry to see you so embarrassed, Mr. Pinkey; the indignation that I expressed this afternoon when I returned your letters, has been entirely removed by your generous conduct in defending me. Don’t attempt to speak just now; because I know you can’t if you were to try. Think of what I have said; but pray avoid my presence till you have acquired sufficient courage to express your wishes. Good evening, I leave you like—(Singing.)“The last rose of summerLeft blooming alone;Whose lovely companionsAre faded and gone.”[Exit.Pin.(Rising with energy.)I must and I will shake off my shyness. What can I do? I’ll run home and try what a bottle or two of port—or sherry—or a bottle of each will do for me. I cannot live this life, it’s killing me by inches. Oh! she’s coming back—I will make a desperate rush—a kind of despair seems to fill my heart that gives me a sort of courage; and, if it isn’t of the right sort, it may answer just as well. I wont wait to look at her, that always does for me—I wont wait to think—I’ll only say—“Will you be mine.” Then if she says “Yes,” there’s an end of the matter. No more speeches—all rubbish—a few words—short and to the point, that’s the way—I know it—I feel it.MISSMACAWentersF.E.L.; PINKEY’Sback is towards her.Miss Mac.I’ve left my reticule.[PINKEYrushes towards her and falls on both his knees.Pin.Will you be mine?Miss Mac.(Boxing his ears.)That’s for your impertinence, sir.Pin.It’s the wrong woman, and all my courage has been thrown away. I’ll really beg——Miss Mac.How dare you, sir?Pin.I didn’t know.Miss Mac.Have I ever encouraged you?Pin.No, no, you never did.Miss Mac.Begone, contemptible creature.(Stamps her foot;PINKEYruns off in alarm,L.)A little presumptuous mortal, to dare to take such a liberty. Where’s my reticule?(Searching the chairs.)Dam.(Without.)Oh, here, is she?EnterDAMPER,F.E.L.Dam.I’ve made up my mind now, what to do. He will not be guided by me any longer, hewillrush to his ruin; but I’ll first get married myself, to show him how right I am in all that I said of the misery of the state. Miss Maria Macaw.Miss Mac.Sir.Dam.I have been looking for you. Sit down.Miss Mac.I sha’n’t.Dam.I want to tell you something.Miss Mac.Well, sir, tell it.Dam.I hate you.[They sit.Miss Mac.Well, sir, and I hate you.Dam.Then we ought to be married.Miss Mac.What?Dam.I say we ought to be married; because we shall begin at the right end. All the rest of the world begin with love and finish with hating. We will be wiser—begin with hate and perhaps—I say perhaps end with love. I mean what I say—I have a motive for what I am saying. Do you hate me heartily enough to marry me?Miss Mac.I do, sir.Dam.You can’t endure me?Miss Mac.I think you a most hateful person.Dam.You, to me, are a perfect Gorgon.Miss Mac.I’m very happy to hear it.Dam.And if we do come together, we’ll strive all in our power to make each other miserable.Miss Mac.I’ll do my best, be assured.Dam.Thwart each other in every thing.Miss Mac.If you want to walk, I’ll insist upon riding.Dam.Agreed!Miss Mac.When you want to be silent, I’ll talk you to death.Dam.Agreed!Miss Mac.And annoy you night and day in every possible manner—think of nothing else——Dam.Excellent!Miss Mac.Study nothing else.Dam.Delicious! There’s my hand, whatever you are—whoever you may be—whatever your character, there’s my hand.Miss Mac.And there, sir, is mine.(Presenting her hand.)Dam.Fright!Miss Mac.Brute!Dam.A kiss?Miss Mac.No.Dam.Yes. The first and the last.Miss Mac.On that condition, there.[She presents her cheek;DAMPERkisses her.NIGGLEruns on and stands in amazement.Nig.(Exclaims in surprise.)Damper![DAMPERandMISSMACAWsit looking at each other, with great ferocity, as the act drop descends.END OF ACT II.
ACT II.SCENE I.—Interior of a neat cottage, door and window in flat; table on theR., a china flower-stand on it.MISSMARIAMACAWdiscovered, hemming a handkerchief; she takes a note from the table and reads.Miss Mac.(Reading.)“Miss Snare will be happy to have the pleasure of Miss Macaw’s company to tea this evening; of course Miss Macaw’s niece is included in the invitation.” I am sure I have no inclination to go, but Jessy insists upon it, she is so anxious to make an acquaintance with any one, that I’m sure if the gardener were to ask her to dine with him, she would accept the invite. I hope there will no men there, the brutes. One of the chief things that has reconciled me to this country life, is the very few male creatures that I have met with here. Ah, if I had my will, the sex should be exterminated! Well, niece?EnterMISSJESSYMEADOWS,F.E.L., with a bouquet in her hand.Miss Mea.Ah, my dear aunt, at your needle as usual. I have been gathering flowers in our little garden—there.(She places the bouquet in the flower-glass on the table.)Are they not beautiful? I love flowers—I have a passion for them.Miss Mac.You should not use such ardent expressions. It is very unseemly in a young lady to talk of having a passion for anything, whether animate or inanimate. If you begin with flowers, you may end with the same enthusiasm in behalf of a human object; and if that object were to be a man, I should tremble for the result!Miss Mea.The most natural result might be matrimony; and is there anything so very terrible in that, my dear aunt?Miss Mac.Terrible! I look upon matrimony as the general prologue to all the tragedies of life.Miss Mea.Toall, aunt?Miss Mac.All. From the singular instance of the siege of Troy, to the connubial pluralities of Henry the Eighth!Miss Mea.Is it possible, aunt, that you never had an offer in all your life?Miss Mac.Never! I always expressed my antipathy to the male sex so openly, that no man ever ventured atête-à-têtewithme; if one dared to whisper nonsense inmyear, I used to turn and petrify him at once with a look——Miss Mea.Like the Gorgon’s head on the shield of Minerva—your face turned every approaching lover to stone!Miss Mac.Though I have often wished that a manwouldhave the temerity to make me a sincere proposal.Miss Mea.What would you do, aunt?Miss Mac.Accept it at once!Miss Mea.You would?Miss Mac.Because, in being a wife, I should have it in my power to make one of the sex utterly miserable! Oh, if I had a husband, how I would torment the creature!Miss Mea.Surely there must be some male person that you do not entirely dislike—Mr. Chester, for instance?Miss Mac.I am grateful to Mr. Chester for saving me from the attack of a ferocious bull when we were walking in the meadows six months ago; but beyond that simple feeling of gratitude, there is nothing in common between us.Miss Mea.He is again passing a few days here. I had the pleasure of speaking to him last night—he promised to call this morning to pay his respects to you!Miss Mac.Tome!No, no, miss, I can see through his shallow artifice! Under pretence of paying his respects tome, that he may have an interview withyou—there you see. Even a generous young man that rescued me from the fury of a savage bull, is not exempt from double dealing.[A knock,F.D.Miss Mea.Here he is.(Going to the door.)Miss Mac.Ishall retire.Miss Mea.Nay, not immediately.Miss Mac.If I remain, I can only be moderately civil.Miss Mea.’Tis all that is required from you, aunt.[MISSMEADOWSopens the door.EnterMR. CHARLESCHESTER,L.Che.Good morning, Miss Macaw. Miss Meadows, I hope you are well; and you, Miss ——(ToMISSMACAW.)Miss Mac.(Courtesying profoundly.)Quite well, sir.Che.Entirely recovered from your alarm six months ago, when I first met you running from the infuriated animal?Miss Mac.Entirely—though for some weeks I was excessively nervous. I assure you I have not been able to dine off beef since!Che.You are looking exceedingly well.Miss Mac.I don’t believe you.Che.Nay, I assure you——Miss Mac.Don’t utter falsehoods, young man. You know in your heart that I am not looking well—you merely say so, because you think flattery is agreeable to our sex. You know that I’m a perfect fright, but you have not the moral courageto tell me so to my face. You know you wish me at Jericho at this very moment, only you think it would be rude to order me out of the room; but I’ll spare you any further duplicity by leaving you. Good morning, sir.[She courtesys and goes off,F.E.R.Miss Mea.My aunt is a singular creature, is she not? though her heart is good, and, indeed, she is my very best friend. But for her care, I know not what would become of me.Che.I wish I could persuade you to accept of a protection, stronger and more lasting than any aunt can offer you!Miss Mea.I understand you—you wish to marry me.Che.I do.Miss Mea.But you are poor.Che.Very.Miss Mea.A painter in water colors.Che.And one of very moderate talents.Miss Mea.You were sketching a landscape when we first met you six months ago?Che.I was, and immediately turned portrait painter; for I drew your features upon my heart the first moment I gazed upon them.Miss Mea.And since that moment you have visited this place once every fortnight?Che.Being all the leisure I can afford—otherwise my whole life should be passed here, could I but command your sweet society.Miss Mea.During your absence we have been imprudent enough to correspond, and the result is, that we have written and talked ourselves into love.Che.And when a young gentleman and lady set about mutually confessing all their thoughts and feelings, their likes and dislikes, their hopes and fears, what other result could be expected?Miss Mea.And yet a strange fancy continually haunts me, that in all our candid confessions you concealsomethingfrom me. I cannot bring myself to believe that I am in possession of every thought, feeling, or circumstance belonging to you.Che.Even there a sympathy exists between us—Iam troubled with precisely the same fancy.Miss Mea.You think that I practice some little concealment respecting myself?Che.I confess that I do.Miss Mea.What can it be?Che.Ah! what can it be? Perhaps immediate matrimony will remove the mistrust.Miss Mea.If youwillmarry me, you know what you are to expect. I have no friend but my aunt—you see me as you first knew me, a half-educated country miss. I think I have agood heart. I know I have an indifferent temper—right management may certainly do much to correct that fault—I am very whimsical, very lazy, want a deal of attention, and can go into something like a passion when offended!Che.You don’t flatter yourself.Miss Mea.I wish you to anticipate the worst, so that if you should find me not so bad as expected, the surprise may be the more agreeable to you. If youdomarry me, it must be entirely for myself. Now if you persist in your intention, all that I can say is, that you are indeed a bold man!Che.I will be equally as candid with you. You do not reject my offered hand?Miss Mea.No.Che.Then if you accept me, you will marry a poor artist, who is entirely dependent on his own exertions—who likes retirement, has no care for company—who wants to be petted when he complains—his every whim indulged—who cannot endure contradiction—and, with very inferior capabilities, wishes ever to be thought most superior in all things—but one who, amidst this chaos of fault, can still create a little world of love for you!Miss Mea.After such a confession, I must be quite as bold a woman as you are a man, to take you—though when two people set about mutually confessing their faults, there may be some hope that they intend to correct them.Che.Corrected or not, are you content?Miss Mea.I am; and there is my hand to the bargain.Che.And this kiss upon its white fingers, ratifies the contract![CHESTERkisses her hand—she in return presses his hand to her lips.MISSMACAWenters.Miss Mea.Signed, sealed, and duly delivered!Miss Mac.Jessy! I must be deceived—pressing the hand of a man to your lips! I’m horrified!Miss Mea.He first pressed mine, aunt; and surely the gallantry should not always be on one side. We love one another; the passion brings us to an equality, and I have made up my mind whereIlove, never to be less tender, less grateful, or less enthusiastic than he that honors me with his affection!Miss Mac.Oh! what revolutionary sentiments! Now miss, I have done with you for ever. You are henceforth the mistress of your own actions. Do as you please: but never approach me with your matrimonial complaints and miseries, for I shall be totally deaf to them!Che.It shall be my care, dear madam, to prevent that, by never giving her cause to complain.[A knock at the door.Miss Mac.Who can this be? Another man, no doubt!DAMPERopens the door, and peeps in.Dam.I beg your pardon, will you allow me to enter?Miss Mac.I don’t know that I shall, sir—one of your sex has committed sufficient mischief here already!Dam.(ToMISSMACAW.)Don’t be afraid of me—you are perfectly out of harm’s way.(ToCHESTER.)As my business is with you, sir, perhaps you will step out to me.Miss Mea.Oh, sir—pray come in, sir.Dam.(Advancing.)Mr. Niggle, the gentleman with whom you saw me yesterday, is my friend.Che.Well, sir?Dam.There are strange tales about, respecting you, sir; and that female with whom you were discovered in close conversation yesterday—and, in behalf of my friend, sir, I am here to ask you in plain language, who you are?Che.It can be of little consequence to you sir, who, or what I am.Miss Mea.A lady! Were you in conversation with a lady yesterday? What lady?Dam.Ah, you may well ask. If that person is a stranger here, madam, whatever may be his intentions, look to him! My friend shall not fall a victim to the arts of a designing woman! You understand me—Ican see the likeness between you—precisely the same circumventing countenance!Miss Mea.A designing woman!—and a likeness between you! Pray explain.Dam.Well, sir, I have nothing more to say than this—your refusal to explain who you are, fully justifies my friend’s conduct towards that female; and any action that she may bring against him, he is quite prepared to defend. He has had experience in such matters, and snaps his fingers at you!Miss Mea.(ToCHESTER.)I am afraid there is too much truth in the fancy that, I confess, troubled me. You are practising concealment with me, and till you remove every doubt from my mind, you must not expect further candour from me.Che.Nay, hear me.Miss Mea.Not till you are prepared to explain all. You see what a temper I have—I do not hide the slightest foible from you, and I expect equal sincerity at your hands.[ExitF.E.L.Che.In good time I will explain all; but now I cannot, will not.[Exit, following her.Miss Mac.Well I’m sure. Upon my word, the fellows give themselves fine airs—coming in here uninvited, and creating disturbances—fancying themselves authorized by nature to sport with our feelings, and trample us under foot! And what doyouwant here, sir?(ToDAMPER.)What right, sir, have you under this roof? Who sent for you? Why are you standing there making grimaces at me, sir?Dam.Ha! ha! you are annoyed—I see you are, and it gratifies me; and my countenance always shows the gratification of my heart! When I see a woman vexed, I revel in the sight! Go into a rage, do—I should like to see you furious!Miss Mac.Oh, dear no, sir; you shall be disappointed. If my anger is a source of pleasure to you, it shall be subdued immediately.(Places him a chair inC.)Pray, sir, sit down—make yourself happy! Will you take a glass of wine? or shall I get my guitar and sing you a love song?Dam.(Sitting down,R.)I should like to taste the one and listen to the other, amazingly; but for once I’ll save you your wine and spare your vocal acquirements, and merely ask you a question, which I am sure you will answer, as I can perceive I have already made a favorable impression on your heart.Miss Mac.Well, sir, I will for once make an effort to be civil. What do you wish to know?Dam.Who is that young man?Miss Mac.I really cannot inform you—I know no more of him than I do of you; and I need not tell you that I wish to know nothing of either!Dam.Then, madam, allow me to say that I am astonished.Miss Mac.At what, sir?Dam.At a woman of your palpable experience opening your door to a stranger. How do you know what he may be? An assassin, a sharper, a seducer, perhaps.Miss Mac.For the matter of that, sir, this door has been opened to you, and, for aught I know,youmay be one of those characters! Oh, sir, look indignant if you please, but whatever you may be, in my eyes your whole sex is hateful. You are all brimful of deceit, design, villainy, selfishness, and brutality! Had I my will, my door should be barred and double-locked against your entire gender!Dam.Ah, you abusive woman! If wearevillains, ’tis your abominable sex that makes us such. If you were not weak, we should not be wicked? Who lost Mark Antony the world? a woman. Who betrayed the strong man into the hands of his enemies?—a woman. Who was the origin of all evil?—a woman, a woman!Miss Mac.Who leads armies to battle and slaughter?—man. Who tyrannizes over and enslaves our poor weak sex?—man. Who always plays the violin while Rome is burning?—man. And if womanwasthe origin of all evil, who has cherished and supported evil, heart and soul, since its first introduction?—man, man!Dam.And who has helped him?—woman! Good morning![ExitD.F.Miss Mac.That is the most complete savage I have yet encountered!Re-enterCHESTER,L.Che.Your niece, madam, desires to see you. If my visit here has at all annoyed you, believe me I am sorry for it, and can assure you that the annoyance will not be repeated; for Miss Meadows and I are now as strangers!Miss Mac.I am rejoiced to hear it.Che.I should have been proud and happy to have made her my wife without asking one question as toherorigin or connexions, so great was the confidence I reposed in her. She has proved that her faith cannot equal mine; and on that point we have parted, and for ever! Good morning.[ExitF.D.Miss Mac.The most pleasant piece of intelligence I have heard to-day.Re-enterMISSMEADOWS,F.E.L.Miss Mea.Has he gone?Miss Mac.To my great delight he has.Miss Mea.Will he return?Miss Mac.I have great hopes that he will not.Miss Mea.Why does he refuse to explain all to me?Miss Mac.As he has not asked you any questions, and appears quite willing to take a blind bargain in marrying you, I think it is but fair that you should be equally as ridiculous as the gentleman.Miss Mea.You make no allowance for a woman’s natural curiosity—her proneness to jealousy, weaknesses that do not beset the minds of men so cruelly as they do ours. He knowsthat, and ought to have yielded!Miss Mac.Come, come, my dear, come to your room.(Crosses toL.)I am very happy that this sad flirtation is at an end—I suspected you were both exceeding the bounds of discretion; and when you have gained my experience, you will regard all men with the same stern antipathy thatIdo! Come, come, don’t cry, dear. We are going out to tea, and you mustn’t cry. Weep for the loss of your kitten—the death of your bird—the spoiling of a new dress—but scorn to shed one tear for the loss of a man! It is quite useless; for the monster always carries such a large umbrella of selfishness, that the most pelting shower of tears can never, never penetrate him! Come, come.[Exit, leading offMISSMEADOWS.SCENE II.—A room atMISSSNARE’S—two chairs.EnterPINKEYandNIGGLE,F.E.R.Pin.Before the company comes, I reallydowant your advice on the matter. You have had experience with the ladies, Mr. Niggle—you have often popped in your time, I’llbe bound. Pray tell me how do you begin? Give me a lesson in the art.Nig.First get a favourable opportunity.Pin.All in the dark, eh? While you are talking, snuff out the candles, andthen, eh?Nig.No, no, there may seem too much of jest in that. Contrive some moonlight walk with your lady; or manage to be sitting alone with her on some lovely autumn evening, in the light of the sinking sun, when all nature seems going to repose. I popped to my first love on just such an evening, and had to fight her brother on a wet foggy morning a month afterwards!Pin.I’d rather not fight any brothers—I only want to pop to the sister; I don’t want any brothers to be popping at me in return! Oh, no.Nig.Get your charmer near the window, looking over a garden if possible.Pin.Well.Nig.Admire the beauty and quiet of the hour.Pin.Say “What a nice night.” I know.Nig.Then breathe a gentle sigh. Ah!(Sighing.)Pin.Ah!(Sighing in imitation.)Nig.While you affect to be playing with her pocket handkerchief, gently take her hand.Pin.Oh my gracious!Nig.Press it with a delicate ardour.Pin.Ah! Squeeze it as if I was half afraid.Nig.Then whisper these words: “Does not a moment like this inspire you with feelings indescribable?”Pin.Rather a long speech. Can’t I shorten it a little?Nig.No, no—every word is of value. She will reply “Indeed it does”—then in the most pathetic tones you can command, you must add: “For my own part, I feel its influence so strongly here”—placing the hand you have at liberty on your heart—“that I could live for ever thus.”Pin.Meaning in that attitude?Nig.No, no, with your heart full of the passionate feelings you are to experience at that moment.Pin.Ah, that’s speaking allegorically! Well?Nig.Of course she will make no reply. Then you must be affected—seem to dry away a tear—and add with fervour, “till this moment I have been a miserable man.” Let your voice falter on the word miserable.Pin.(In a tremulous tone.)Miserable!Nig.That’s it; then continue: “’Tis in your power to make me the happiest being on earth! Will you be mine? dearest angel, will you be mine? Say yes, and I am blessed indeed; but reject me, and instant death shall be my portion!” Then fall at her feet, sob audibly, and hide your face in her lap!Pin.Lord! I could never do all that—I might get as far as “Will you be mine?” but even then I think I should rush out of the house without waiting for the answer. And am I to sob and fall on my knees?Icould never do it, bless you—without I first took a few bumpers of spirits and water. Pray oblige me by writing the speech down for me. I’ll learn it by heart, and I wont wait for an autumn evening, but take the first favorable opportunity, eh? even if it’s to-night, eh?Nig.Your favorable opportunity is half the battle; and as for the form of the declaration and proposal, I warrant it—I’ve tried it five times myself, and it never failed yet!Pin.Hush! I hear her voice. Now step into the next room and write it all down for me, then I’ll take her unawares, and pop like fury!Nig.Take her by storm—take her by storm!Pin.I will, I will.Nig.Faint heart, you know——Pin.Never won fair lady!Nig.Hush! they’re coming—follow me.[ExitF.E.L.Pin.Now or never, I’m resolved![Exit, following.EnterMISSSKYLARK,carrying a small basket full of letters, followed byMISSSNARE,F.E.R.Miss Sna.And is that basket full of Mr. Pinkey’s letters?Miss Sky.Full.Miss Sna.How very strange that he can never get courage to express the feelings, that you say he so beautifully describes in his epistles. What can be done to make him speak out?Miss Sky.I suppose I must take his silence as the greatest proof of his sincerity; for all philosophers have declared that strong feelings, like great griefs, are generally dumb.Miss Sna.Then where is the language of love?Miss Sky.In that case the language of love is no language at all.Miss Sna.And yet you tell me he writes so beautifully.Miss Sky.You shall hear.(They sit;MISSSKYLARKproduces a letter from her basket.)Will you have a despairing or an enthusiastic letter?Miss Sna.Try me first with a little despair, then the enthusiasm will relish all the better afterwards.Miss Sky.Here is one that will suit you then.(Reading a letter.)“Dearest object of my soul—pardon the intrusion of your despairing admirer—but my passion for you is so intense, that neither night nor day can I close my eyes!”Miss Sna.Poor fellow, how badly he must want a night’s rest.Miss Sky.(Reading.)“For ever haunted by your charms, I have no other relief than in continually describing the feelings of my seared and desolate heart!” Isn’t that beautiful? Hemust have an affectionate disposition, or he couldn’t express himself so sweetly! “Seared and desolate!” What beautiful language! It seems only fit to be sung—never to be merely spoken.(Singing.)“Seared and——”Miss Sna.Pray don’t begin singing your love letters—we shall never get to the end of one of them.Miss Sky.I beg your pardon, I was carried away by my feelings. I’ll go on:(Reading.)“If it should be my wretched fate to meet with your scorn, pray destroy this letter, as you have already destroyed the happiness of your devoted slave——”Miss Sna.Eh! Bless me, those words are very familiar to me!Miss Sky.Familiar to you! Surely he has not been writing toyou?Miss Sna.I have that letter in my pocket at this very moment!Miss Sky.You have. Oh, the little monster!—I’ll box his ears!Miss Sna.Nay, nay, the case is not so bad as you suppose it to be, though I have a similar letter in my possession, it is not from Mr. Pinkey.Miss Sky.I don’t understand you—pray explain.Miss Sna.(Taking a small book from her pocket.)You see this book—look at its title.Miss Sky.(Reading.)“The Complete Letter Writer.”Miss Sna.Mr. Pinkey’s despairing epistle is copied word for word, from that book.Miss Sky.Copied from this book. Oh! the little amatory plagiarist!Miss Sna.Look and be convinced—turn to page 20.Miss Sky.(Reading.)“Dear object!”—here it is—even “seared and desolate” isn’t his own. Was there ever such impertinence—Oh! I’m in such a rage, if he were here I’d fling all his paltry letters in his face.(Turning over the leaves of the book.)Here they all are—“Loveliest of women”—“fly on the wings of love”—“meet my charmer”—“happy in her embraces for ever.” Here they all are word for word. How much did the book cost?Miss Sna.Eighteen-pence.Miss Sky.His despairing letters! his ardent letters! his reasonable letters! his polite letters! all, all copied from this book. And is it possible that so much despair, so much ardour, so much reason, so much politeness could have cost him but eighteen-pence; when I had fondly imagined they had cost him tears, and lonely hours of agony, and sighs and groans.—Oh! the little monster, if I could meet him now, I’d make him stand in the middle of the room, surrounded by his letters; I’d then set fire to them, and see him perish a martyr to his cool duplicity.[A knock.Miss Sna.Hush! he’s here.Miss Sky.Is he? I’ll let him know that my affections are not to be obtained under false pretences.[A knock at the door,F.E.L.Miss Sna.Come in.Re-enterPINKEYwith a paper in his hand,F.E.L.Pin.It’s only me. I’ve got the speech.(Aside.)There’s the old lady come, Miss Snare, and her neice that lives with her; you asked them here you know to find out who they are. And the strange young man, that nobody can learn what he can be, is here, too. The ladies were asking for you, and I said I’d find you for them.Miss Sna.You’re very kind, I’ll go to them directly. What do you think?—the young man that I have watched walking in the fields, every now and then, with the neice of the old maid at the cottage, and that we suspect is related to Miss Coy, is actually come here to tea this evening.Miss Sky.Have you invited him?Miss Sna.I caught him making a sketch of my little house here, and I told him as he seemed so taken with the beauty of its exterior that he was welcome to step in and survey the interior. Then I told him that two friends of his were coming here this evening, and that I should be happy to see him meet them. And he is actually come?(ToPINKEY.)Pin.Yes, down stairs walking about by himself.Miss Sna.Excellent! I long to understand the mystery that not only seems to surround him, but Miss Coy, and the other two ladies. So what with them, and Niggle and Damper, who are both coming——Miss Sky.And of course Mr. Boss?Miss Sna.Oh, yes; Mr. Boss of course.Miss Sky.Hem?Miss Sna.Now don’t look so sly at me—I confess the soft impeachment; but it is purely platonic, it is indeed. Well, when we are altogether, I expect my tea party will go off with eclat. Come to us as soon as you can.Pin.(Offering his arm toMISSSNARE.)Allow me to escort you?(Crosses toL.)Miss Sna.Oh, no sir; offer your arm to the lady that has the greatest right to it.[ExitMISSSNARE,F.E.L.Pin.Here’s the favourable opportunity come sooner than I expected. I’ve got the speech, but have not had time enough to learn it; perhaps I can recollect a few words and get a sly peep at the others.Miss Sky.A little piratical object, how I should like to box his ears; but I’ll controul my temper for a moment.(Crosses toL.)Pin.Hem! We are quite alone.Miss Sky.Yes, I perceive we are.Pin.Shall we sit down a bit, or how?Miss Sky.As you please.[They sit.Pin.Hem! Oh, dear! what a twitter I am in. I shall never begin.Miss Sky.(Singing without regarding him.)“Why so pale and wan, fond lover,Pr’ythee why so pale?Pin.I dare say Iampale; but I have made up my mind, and Iwillbegin. Does not a moment like this inspire you with feelings—with feelings——(Looking at his paper aside.)Miss Sky.What feelings?Pin.Indescribable. I’ve got that out—what a long word, for a man in a fright.(Aside.)Miss Sky.(Singing.)“Will, when looking well can’t win her,Looking ill prevail?Pin.Now she ought to say, “indeed it does.” Never mind, as I have ventured so far, on I’ll go. For my own part I feel it’s influence so strongly here, that I could live for ever thus. There—that was well said.Miss Sky.(Singing.)“Why so dull and mute, young sinner,Pr’ythee, why so mute?”Pin.But I’m not mute, Miss Skylark; till this moment I have been a miserable man—till this moment I have been—Zounds, what comes next? A miserable man—oh, my stars, I’m fixed for want of a word—a miserable man——Miss Sky.Have you indeed. Ah!(Sighing.)Pin.She sighs. If half the speech has such an effect, what will all of it do?(Looking at his paper.)Oh, here’s the next word.(Continuing.)’Tis in your power——Miss Sky.Ah!(Sighing again.)Pin.Another sigh. I’m getting on.Miss Sky.Dear object of my soul.Pin.Oh, good heavens! I didn’t expect such language. Oh! I’m all of a tremble.Miss Sky.My passion for you is so intense.Pin.Oh, she’s popping to me and saving me all the bother.Miss Sky.That neither night nor day can I close my eyes.Pin.Eh? Oh, my! that’s the beginning of one of my letters.Miss Sky.How beautifully you do express yourself.Pin.Do I?Miss Sky.You see this bundle.(Producing her bundle of letters.)Here are all your cherished letters; I need not tell you how I prize them.Pin.I ought to sob and fall in her lap now.(Takes out hispocket-handkerchief and tries to sob.)I cant. I dont feel at all inclined to cry. Perhaps I shall, presently.Miss Sky.If the contents of these billets——Pin.Billys! Oh, ah—I understand.Miss Sky.Were not copied from the complete letter-writer——Pin.Oh, I’m found out. Well did I ever. Oh, there’s no falling at her feet, now.Miss Sky.I need not confess they would be doubly dear to me——Pin.Oh, there’s no harm done.(He draws his chair closer to her.)Miss Sky.But, as they are mere second-hand declarations, permit me to return them. There—there—there and there.[She throws all the letters and basket at him and runs off; he remains covered with them.PINKEYregards them bewildered; gathers them together and puts them into his handkerchief.Pin.This comes of trying a warranted speech. And are these all my letters? What trouble I have taken, and in vain too. I’ll seal them up again—they’ll come in for somebody else! There’s some one at the door.[He has placed all the letters in the basket, and conceals it behind him.EnterBOSS,F.E.L.Boss.Pinkey, my man, they are waiting tea for you up stairs. Miss Snare wants you to assist me in handing the toast. What’s the matter with you man? you look bewildered—a tiff with your lady I suppose.[PINKEYutters a deep groan and goes offF.E.L.Poor fellow, I’m afraid he’s unfortunate in his choice; though I suppose one must marry, it seems a necessary duty to society. I can’t confess that I’m in love, yet there seems to be a something about Miss Snare that is very agreeable. She admires me that’s clear; and, as I admire myself, there is certainly some sympathy between us. The Spartan laws considered bachelors as infamous: I think I have a little of the Spartan in me, and am half inclined to be of their opinion. I’ll turn the matter over in my mind.[ExitF.E.L.SCENE III.—A large room atMISSSNARE’S—In theS.E.R. is a fire-place, mantle-piece, looking-glass, &c., complete; a fender before it bearing toast, crumpets, &c.; a table on theL., on which is a complete tea-service, urn, &c.—MISSSNAREis presiding at the tea-table—PINKEYandBOSSare handing the tea and toast—PINKEYis very nervous and confused—BOSStakes every opportunity of surveying himself in the glass—PINKEY’Schair is on theL. of the fire-place, that ofBOSSon theR.—NIGGLEis next toPINKEY—DAMPERtoNIGGLE—CHESTERtoDAMPER—MISSSKYLARKnearCHESTER—MISSMEADOWSbehind the tea-table, facing the audience—MISSMACAWin front of it on theL.—All laughing as the scene is discovered.Dam.(Drinking tea.)Ah, you may laugh, it was a miraculous escape, he was within a hairs breadth of the noose; but I saved his neck for him.Miss Mac.I wish you had tied yourself up in it instead. How I should rejoice to see you caught in the toils.Dam.If you could be tied up with me, I should not care for my own torments, while I could behold yours.Pin.(Handing toast toNIGGLE,and speaking aside to him.)Oh! Such a climax to my attempt at a pop.Nig.Did you try the speech?Pin.Only half of it, I was cut short—tell you by and bye.Miss Sna.Hand Miss Skylark some toast Mr. P. Put some coals on the fire, and bring me Mr. Damper’s cup.Pin.Yes, ma’am.Dam.(ToCHESTER.)I did not expect the pleasure of meetingyouhere, sir.Che.I am sure, to find you in the presence of ladies, is an event quite as unexpected by me.Miss Mac.I dare say it is, sir.Miss Sna.(ToCHESTER.)Do you intend permanently residing in this town?Che.I am undecided at present.Dam.Intend to live with yourrelation, perhaps?Che.Sir!Dam.(ToNIGGLE.)That was a home thrust. Observe how he avoids it.Miss Sna.(Loudly.)Coals, Mr. Pinkey, and you don’t attend to Miss Skylark.Pin.(Jumping up.)Oh, I’d forgot.[PINKEYseizes the coal-scuttle, and, in his confusion, is about to empty its contents intoMISSSKYLARK’Slap.Miss Sky.(Rising.)What are you doing, sir?All.Mr. Pinkey!Pin.(Running to his chair.)I—I—don’t know what I’m doing. I—want to go home. I’m a little out of sorts—and——[A loud knocking heard.Nig.(Starts.)That’s very like her knock. Do you expect another visitor, Miss Snare?Miss Sna.(Rising, and going toF.E.L.)No I do not.(Lookingoff.)It’s a friend of your’s, Mr. Niggle. Pray walk in, Miss Coy; pray walk in.Nig.It is she.Dam.Don’t be alarmed, I am with you—don’t be alarmed.EnterMISSCAROLINECOY,dressed in bridal white,F.E.L.; she enters in a dignified manner.Miss Coy.(Courtesying round her.)Good afternoon. I am sorry to disturb you. So, all assembled, the entire force of my traducers in full array before me. I am delighted to meet you all.Nig.I think she carries the calm dignity of innocence in her manner.Dam.All artifice.Miss Coy.(SeeingCHARLES.)Youhere too?Che.(Advancing to her,R.)Let them say what they will of you, my secret must be kept. If your intended possesses a real regard for you, it is not a mere tale of scandal that can turn him from you.Miss Coy.I am in such a fury—feel so insulted.Che.Then shower your wrath on their heads.Miss Coy.I shall not spare them, be assured.(Sits.)Dam.(ToNIGGLE.)Whispering, you see—agreeing both to tell the same story.Miss Sna.Tea, Miss Coy?Miss Coy.Presently, miss. Hem!Dam.(ToNIGGLE.)Clearing her throat to begin.Nig.If she plays upon my feelings I’m done for.Dam.She is sure to try to do that—theyalltry to do that.Miss Coy.You must be all well aware by this time, that I was about to be married to that fluctuating bachelor, Mr. Niggle, and, that the match is broken off, as much through the interference of his friend, as his want of the moral courage, necessary for so important an act as matrimony.All.(ButDAMPERandNIGGLE.)Ha! ha! Moral courage for matrimony.Dam.(ToNIGGLE.)Don’t let them have the laugh against you. Speak out, speak out.Nig.(Rising.)I confess it has been a want of moral courage: for, long as I have pined for the joys of conjugal life, such is my universal admiration of the fair sex, that if Ihavehesitated to pass my life in the society ofonefemale, ’twas in fear that I should discover some radical defect of temper or manner, that might disturb my notions of woman generally; and I rather prefer to admire you through the gay medium of fancy, than venture to take a peep at you through the pale optics of truth.All.Hear! hear! hear!Miss Coy.And yet if you could find a woman that would behappy only in your presence, who would receive you with smiles and see you depart with tears, who would anticipate your every wish, be your companion, friend and comforter, you would cast aside your scruples and boldly dare the worst. I am but repeating your own words, once uttered to me.Dam.Were you ever such an idiot as to say so much?Nig.Yes, yes, it was in a tender moment.Pin.On some autumn evening, eh?Miss Sky.I think, sir, we had better commence a general election for the honor of possessing your hand. Let each candidate publish her list of pledges, and she that may exhibit one that could approach the nearest to your wishes, should be chosen as the representative of your conjugal happiness.Nig.I am afraid the election once settled, as in other cases, many of the pledges would be forgotten; and a wife is a member that there is no unseating, let her disqualifications be ever so unconstitutional.Dam.Hear! hear! hear!Pin.Cheers from the opposition.Boss.Silence, Pinkey.Miss Coy.(Rises.)I am here to vindicate my character, not to expostulate with you, sir.(ToNIGGLE.)Miss Snare.Miss Sna.Madam.Miss Coy.You, in particular, have been making use of my name very freely.Miss Sna.What have I said.Miss Coy.Said! The other evening at Mr. Tattle’s, you said that my only motive for going to a watering place every summer, was for the purpose of riding a donkey, that the awkward paces of the animal might so set off my natural graces, that some wandering Lothario might be struck by them.Miss Sna.I see nothing offensive in the remark.Boss.(In his chair,F.E.R.)An elegant complimentIthink.Miss Coy.Don’t talk to me, puppy.(ToBOSS.)Boss.My dear Miss, I am sorry to see you so bitter, though I am not surprised at it. The superanuated beauty is ever the most acrimonious of old maids; as the finest Burgundy, when spoiled, produces the sharpest vinegar.All.(ButNIGGLE.)Ha! ha! ha![MISSSNAREkisses her hand toBOSS; he rises and looks at himself in the glass.Nig.I cant allow this. Miss Coy’s feelings shall not be trifled with.Miss Coy.Oh, sir, your championship is now too late, had it been exerted yesterday morning, this scene might have been spared.(Sobbing.)Nig.She’s crying: I can’t see her cry.(Rising.)Dam.(Pulling him to his seat.)Sit down. All women can command tears.Miss Mac.(Rising and calling toDAMPER.)Oh! you brute. Oh! you brute.Miss Mea.Aunt, pray keep your seat and your temper.Miss Coy.(Recovering herself.)And you, Miss Skylark, you must makeyourlittle additions to the tittle-tattle.Miss Sky.I.Miss Coy.A female adventurer, am I? deep in debt, and only anxious for a husband to remove that burthen from my shoulders; that I loiter in shady lanes, and pretend to study botany as an excuse for solitary walks; that I practice attitudes, sighs, and simulate fainting to attract attention.Miss Sky.Never said a thing of the sort, miss, and the consciousness that you have really been so ridiculous, has alone made you suppose such things to have been applied to you.(She returns to her seat.)Pin.(Advancing with great courage.)Oh, come, come, Miss, if that ladyhassaid that you were a botanist, and practice antics, I see no such harm in it.Miss Coy.You see, sir: what can it matter what you may see, sir?Pin.Perhaps it don’t; but it may matter what I can hear. Ah, you may look, I’ll makemylittle additions now, and then. I give you leave to turn all your vengeance on me, in lieu of attacking that lady.(Pointing toMISSSKYLARK.)Very fine indeed, to sit here pretending not to know your own son.Dam.Well said, Pinkey—excellent.Nig.If the little monster insults her, I’ll knock him down.Miss Coy.What does the lunatic mean?Pin.It’s not very often that I can say much, but when the fit is on me I can find words as fast as anybody, to express my meaning.Dam.Express your strongest, Pinkey.Nig.(Striving to leave his seat, is kept back byDAMPER.)He shall not.Dam.Sit down and hear all.Pin.Now, ma’am, while I’m in the vein I’ll have my say. You know that person there(Pointing toCHESTER.)is your clandestine son, and if Mr. Niggle had been unfortunate enough to have fallen a victim to your wiley arts, he would have found himself, not only the surreptitious father-in-law of a full grown young man, but responsible for a budget of bills, from milliners, linen-drapers, wig-makers, butchers, and wine depóts—and—that’s all.Dam.And quite enough I think. Look at her, see how confounded she is now.Miss Coy.(Falling into her chair.)Well, this is theclimaxof scandal.[MISSMEADOWSrises and comes forward, followed byMISSMACAW.Miss Mea.(ToMISSMACAW.)Pray let us leave the house.Che.(Advancing and detaining her.)Are we never to meet again?Miss Mea.Never, while so much mystery surrounds you.Miss Coy.(ToMISSMACAW.)A word with you, madam, if you please.Miss Mac.With me?Miss Coy.If that gentlemanisso closely related to me a reported, it becomes my positive duty to warn him against forming any connection with you, madam, and your supposed niece, there.Miss Mac.What may you have to warn him against?Miss Coy.(R.) Look at the “Weekly Tell-tale,” you are drawn there in your true colors. A run-away Opera dancer, and an insolvent boarding-house keeper, are not the most desirable connexions for any young bachelor.Miss Mac.(C.) Pray, madam, which may I be; the dancer or the housekeeper?Miss Coy.Whichever you prefer, madam.Miss Mac.Oh! the villiany of the world. This, sir, must be some ofyourmalice.(ToDAMPER.)Dam.No, no, I wish it was.Che.(ToMISSMEADOWS.)There, now we are both surrounded by mystery.Miss Mea.A greater reason than ever that we part.Che.A greater reason than ever that we should be the defenders of one another. Let slander do its worst—I repeat it aloud—let slander do its worst; for then is the time that we should surround our friends and defeat its malice. Then is the hour that the lover should be the more devoted; and, I here prove my devotion, by proclaiming before you all, that, let these ladies be under the worst of imputations, I am proud of the friendship of one, and shall be but too happy, to test my love for the other, by being her husband as soon as she will bestow upon me that happy title.Miss Mea.Ah! do I find myself surpassed in generosity; then, indeed, we are friends once more.(Giving him her hand.)Che.(L.) There you fluctuating bachelor,(ToNIGGLE.)when you wish to prove your affection, listen not to every idle tale, shrink at every paltry inuendo; but advance to the rescue of your ladies fame. Come, Miss Macaw, never heed slanderers, the ripest and the richest fruit is ever the most pecked.(Taking the arms ofMISSMACAWandMISSMEADOWSin his own.)Come, ladies, I will accompany you home. Mother!(ToMISSCOY.)since they will have it so, when you have fought your good fight, you know where to find me. Come, ladies; Miss Snare, good evening to you, thanks for your hospitality and its happy results.[Exeunt withMISSMACAWandMISSMEADOWS.Nig.He’s right, he’s right, this is the time that I ought to prove my love, if I have any.Dam.Youwillrush into danger.Nig.(PassingDAMPER.)Oh, Miss Coy, whoever that young man may be, his sentiments do honour to his heart. I have been weak, but——Miss Coy.Nay, sir, your penitence is useless now, circumstances have occurred since yesterday, that make the division between us wider than ever.Nig.What circumstances?Miss Coy.There is no necessity for explanation; you are free to rove where you will, and may the next confiding creature that accepts your proposal be more fortunate than I have been.(Going.)Nig.Nay, nay, don’t go, dear, don’t go. Damper, I must be married: think of the delights of a domestic temple of repose—a cheerful wife.Miss Coy.Ah, sir, strike the balance between celibacy and matrimony, I will assist you. Go on, sir,—a cheerful wife——Nig.Angelic!Dam.Sometimes cross as the devil.Nig.Ah, true!Miss Coy.Dear, rosy children welcoming your return home.Nig.Ah, delightful!Dam.To plague and torment you with their noise, and their screaming and fighting all the time you are there.Nig.Ah, true!Miss Coy.To find every comfort that can make life endurable.Nig.Oh, charming!Dam.With heavy bills for their enjoyment, every week.Nig.Ah, true!Miss Coy.(R.) To look round you, and say, this house is my paradise.Nig.(C.) Oh, happiness!Dam.(L.) Till some one runs away with your wife.Nig.Oh, Lord! There’s all my courage gone at once. No, I never shall get married.Miss Coy.Remain then as you are, sir, a melancholy bachelor. Be guided by your friend, sir, do; be guided by a man that supposes he has formed a perfect acquaintance with our sex, when the creature never had a female friend that confided her heart’s feelings to him in all his life. Go, sir. Enjoy your freedom;(Crosses toL.)but abandon all hope of me, for an obstacle to our union, now exists, that cannot be removed.[ExitF.E.L.Nig.(ToDAMPER.)I don’t know whether to regard you as my good or my evil genius; but, whichever you are, I must follow her.Dam.Don’t be weak.Nig.What is the obstacle that for ever prevents our union?Dam.Me, I dare say; yet, whatever it may be, don’t seek to know—be ignorant and be blest.Nig.I must, I will know; such is the perversity of human nature, that now I have lost all hope of being a married man, I have a greater longing than ever for the name. Iwillfollow her and learn the obstacle.Dam.Stay where you are.Nig.I can’t. I feel that I can’t.Dam.Then I’ll go with you.Nig.You had better not.Dam.I will.Nig.You had better not.Dam.I will.[NIGGLEruns off,F.E.L.; DAMPERfollows.MISSSNAREandBOSShave been flirting during the foregoing dialogue.PINKEYhas kept his seat near the fire, not daring to move, asMISSSKYLARKhas been constantly regarding him.Miss Sna.What an extraordinary series of events, for one afternoon, and no learning who or what Miss Macaw and her neice are.Boss.Or their gentleman either. It’s all very singular. Pinkey, my man, we are going to give you another opportunity; profit by it.Pin.Oh, don’t leave me, pray don’t.Boss.Try again, man; try again.Miss Sna.And avoid copying letters.Pin.Oh! those letters.Miss Sna.Now, Mr. Boss, will you step and look at my little parterre?Boss.Really, I’m noflorist.Miss Sna.But you always make some valuable observation, whatever you may be regarding—you can’t help it—your natural good taste is so prevailing.Boss.Do you think so, really?Miss Sna.Sincerely I do.Boss.Upon my life you are a very agreeable creature.Miss Sna.It requires little effort to be agreeable where you are.Boss.’Pon my honour, you’ll make me actually in love—Miss Sna.Ah!Boss.With myself.Miss Sna.Oh![ExeuntMISSSNAREandBOSS; PINKEYrises, and makes an effort to run out of the room;MISSSKYLARKrises.Miss Sky.I am sorry to see you so embarrassed, Mr. Pinkey; the indignation that I expressed this afternoon when I returned your letters, has been entirely removed by your generous conduct in defending me. Don’t attempt to speak just now; because I know you can’t if you were to try. Think of what I have said; but pray avoid my presence till you have acquired sufficient courage to express your wishes. Good evening, I leave you like—(Singing.)“The last rose of summerLeft blooming alone;Whose lovely companionsAre faded and gone.”[Exit.Pin.(Rising with energy.)I must and I will shake off my shyness. What can I do? I’ll run home and try what a bottle or two of port—or sherry—or a bottle of each will do for me. I cannot live this life, it’s killing me by inches. Oh! she’s coming back—I will make a desperate rush—a kind of despair seems to fill my heart that gives me a sort of courage; and, if it isn’t of the right sort, it may answer just as well. I wont wait to look at her, that always does for me—I wont wait to think—I’ll only say—“Will you be mine.” Then if she says “Yes,” there’s an end of the matter. No more speeches—all rubbish—a few words—short and to the point, that’s the way—I know it—I feel it.MISSMACAWentersF.E.L.; PINKEY’Sback is towards her.Miss Mac.I’ve left my reticule.[PINKEYrushes towards her and falls on both his knees.Pin.Will you be mine?Miss Mac.(Boxing his ears.)That’s for your impertinence, sir.Pin.It’s the wrong woman, and all my courage has been thrown away. I’ll really beg——Miss Mac.How dare you, sir?Pin.I didn’t know.Miss Mac.Have I ever encouraged you?Pin.No, no, you never did.Miss Mac.Begone, contemptible creature.(Stamps her foot;PINKEYruns off in alarm,L.)A little presumptuous mortal, to dare to take such a liberty. Where’s my reticule?(Searching the chairs.)Dam.(Without.)Oh, here, is she?EnterDAMPER,F.E.L.Dam.I’ve made up my mind now, what to do. He will not be guided by me any longer, hewillrush to his ruin; but I’ll first get married myself, to show him how right I am in all that I said of the misery of the state. Miss Maria Macaw.Miss Mac.Sir.Dam.I have been looking for you. Sit down.Miss Mac.I sha’n’t.Dam.I want to tell you something.Miss Mac.Well, sir, tell it.Dam.I hate you.[They sit.Miss Mac.Well, sir, and I hate you.Dam.Then we ought to be married.Miss Mac.What?Dam.I say we ought to be married; because we shall begin at the right end. All the rest of the world begin with love and finish with hating. We will be wiser—begin with hate and perhaps—I say perhaps end with love. I mean what I say—I have a motive for what I am saying. Do you hate me heartily enough to marry me?Miss Mac.I do, sir.Dam.You can’t endure me?Miss Mac.I think you a most hateful person.Dam.You, to me, are a perfect Gorgon.Miss Mac.I’m very happy to hear it.Dam.And if we do come together, we’ll strive all in our power to make each other miserable.Miss Mac.I’ll do my best, be assured.Dam.Thwart each other in every thing.Miss Mac.If you want to walk, I’ll insist upon riding.Dam.Agreed!Miss Mac.When you want to be silent, I’ll talk you to death.Dam.Agreed!Miss Mac.And annoy you night and day in every possible manner—think of nothing else——Dam.Excellent!Miss Mac.Study nothing else.Dam.Delicious! There’s my hand, whatever you are—whoever you may be—whatever your character, there’s my hand.Miss Mac.And there, sir, is mine.(Presenting her hand.)Dam.Fright!Miss Mac.Brute!Dam.A kiss?Miss Mac.No.Dam.Yes. The first and the last.Miss Mac.On that condition, there.[She presents her cheek;DAMPERkisses her.NIGGLEruns on and stands in amazement.Nig.(Exclaims in surprise.)Damper![DAMPERandMISSMACAWsit looking at each other, with great ferocity, as the act drop descends.END OF ACT II.
SCENE I.—Interior of a neat cottage, door and window in flat; table on theR., a china flower-stand on it.MISSMARIAMACAWdiscovered, hemming a handkerchief; she takes a note from the table and reads.
Miss Mac.(Reading.)“Miss Snare will be happy to have the pleasure of Miss Macaw’s company to tea this evening; of course Miss Macaw’s niece is included in the invitation.” I am sure I have no inclination to go, but Jessy insists upon it, she is so anxious to make an acquaintance with any one, that I’m sure if the gardener were to ask her to dine with him, she would accept the invite. I hope there will no men there, the brutes. One of the chief things that has reconciled me to this country life, is the very few male creatures that I have met with here. Ah, if I had my will, the sex should be exterminated! Well, niece?
EnterMISSJESSYMEADOWS,F.E.L., with a bouquet in her hand.
Miss Mea.Ah, my dear aunt, at your needle as usual. I have been gathering flowers in our little garden—there.(She places the bouquet in the flower-glass on the table.)Are they not beautiful? I love flowers—I have a passion for them.
Miss Mac.You should not use such ardent expressions. It is very unseemly in a young lady to talk of having a passion for anything, whether animate or inanimate. If you begin with flowers, you may end with the same enthusiasm in behalf of a human object; and if that object were to be a man, I should tremble for the result!
Miss Mea.The most natural result might be matrimony; and is there anything so very terrible in that, my dear aunt?
Miss Mac.Terrible! I look upon matrimony as the general prologue to all the tragedies of life.
Miss Mea.Toall, aunt?
Miss Mac.All. From the singular instance of the siege of Troy, to the connubial pluralities of Henry the Eighth!
Miss Mea.Is it possible, aunt, that you never had an offer in all your life?
Miss Mac.Never! I always expressed my antipathy to the male sex so openly, that no man ever ventured atête-à-têtewithme; if one dared to whisper nonsense inmyear, I used to turn and petrify him at once with a look——
Miss Mea.Like the Gorgon’s head on the shield of Minerva—your face turned every approaching lover to stone!
Miss Mac.Though I have often wished that a manwouldhave the temerity to make me a sincere proposal.
Miss Mea.What would you do, aunt?
Miss Mac.Accept it at once!
Miss Mea.You would?
Miss Mac.Because, in being a wife, I should have it in my power to make one of the sex utterly miserable! Oh, if I had a husband, how I would torment the creature!
Miss Mea.Surely there must be some male person that you do not entirely dislike—Mr. Chester, for instance?
Miss Mac.I am grateful to Mr. Chester for saving me from the attack of a ferocious bull when we were walking in the meadows six months ago; but beyond that simple feeling of gratitude, there is nothing in common between us.
Miss Mea.He is again passing a few days here. I had the pleasure of speaking to him last night—he promised to call this morning to pay his respects to you!
Miss Mac.Tome!No, no, miss, I can see through his shallow artifice! Under pretence of paying his respects tome, that he may have an interview withyou—there you see. Even a generous young man that rescued me from the fury of a savage bull, is not exempt from double dealing.
[A knock,F.D.
Miss Mea.Here he is.(Going to the door.)
Miss Mac.Ishall retire.
Miss Mea.Nay, not immediately.
Miss Mac.If I remain, I can only be moderately civil.
Miss Mea.’Tis all that is required from you, aunt.
[MISSMEADOWSopens the door.
EnterMR. CHARLESCHESTER,L.
Che.Good morning, Miss Macaw. Miss Meadows, I hope you are well; and you, Miss ——(ToMISSMACAW.)
Miss Mac.(Courtesying profoundly.)Quite well, sir.
Che.Entirely recovered from your alarm six months ago, when I first met you running from the infuriated animal?
Miss Mac.Entirely—though for some weeks I was excessively nervous. I assure you I have not been able to dine off beef since!
Che.You are looking exceedingly well.
Miss Mac.I don’t believe you.
Che.Nay, I assure you——
Miss Mac.Don’t utter falsehoods, young man. You know in your heart that I am not looking well—you merely say so, because you think flattery is agreeable to our sex. You know that I’m a perfect fright, but you have not the moral courageto tell me so to my face. You know you wish me at Jericho at this very moment, only you think it would be rude to order me out of the room; but I’ll spare you any further duplicity by leaving you. Good morning, sir.
[She courtesys and goes off,F.E.R.
Miss Mea.My aunt is a singular creature, is she not? though her heart is good, and, indeed, she is my very best friend. But for her care, I know not what would become of me.
Che.I wish I could persuade you to accept of a protection, stronger and more lasting than any aunt can offer you!
Miss Mea.I understand you—you wish to marry me.
Che.I do.
Miss Mea.But you are poor.
Che.Very.
Miss Mea.A painter in water colors.
Che.And one of very moderate talents.
Miss Mea.You were sketching a landscape when we first met you six months ago?
Che.I was, and immediately turned portrait painter; for I drew your features upon my heart the first moment I gazed upon them.
Miss Mea.And since that moment you have visited this place once every fortnight?
Che.Being all the leisure I can afford—otherwise my whole life should be passed here, could I but command your sweet society.
Miss Mea.During your absence we have been imprudent enough to correspond, and the result is, that we have written and talked ourselves into love.
Che.And when a young gentleman and lady set about mutually confessing all their thoughts and feelings, their likes and dislikes, their hopes and fears, what other result could be expected?
Miss Mea.And yet a strange fancy continually haunts me, that in all our candid confessions you concealsomethingfrom me. I cannot bring myself to believe that I am in possession of every thought, feeling, or circumstance belonging to you.
Che.Even there a sympathy exists between us—Iam troubled with precisely the same fancy.
Miss Mea.You think that I practice some little concealment respecting myself?
Che.I confess that I do.
Miss Mea.What can it be?
Che.Ah! what can it be? Perhaps immediate matrimony will remove the mistrust.
Miss Mea.If youwillmarry me, you know what you are to expect. I have no friend but my aunt—you see me as you first knew me, a half-educated country miss. I think I have agood heart. I know I have an indifferent temper—right management may certainly do much to correct that fault—I am very whimsical, very lazy, want a deal of attention, and can go into something like a passion when offended!
Che.You don’t flatter yourself.
Miss Mea.I wish you to anticipate the worst, so that if you should find me not so bad as expected, the surprise may be the more agreeable to you. If youdomarry me, it must be entirely for myself. Now if you persist in your intention, all that I can say is, that you are indeed a bold man!
Che.I will be equally as candid with you. You do not reject my offered hand?
Miss Mea.No.
Che.Then if you accept me, you will marry a poor artist, who is entirely dependent on his own exertions—who likes retirement, has no care for company—who wants to be petted when he complains—his every whim indulged—who cannot endure contradiction—and, with very inferior capabilities, wishes ever to be thought most superior in all things—but one who, amidst this chaos of fault, can still create a little world of love for you!
Miss Mea.After such a confession, I must be quite as bold a woman as you are a man, to take you—though when two people set about mutually confessing their faults, there may be some hope that they intend to correct them.
Che.Corrected or not, are you content?
Miss Mea.I am; and there is my hand to the bargain.
Che.And this kiss upon its white fingers, ratifies the contract!
[CHESTERkisses her hand—she in return presses his hand to her lips.
MISSMACAWenters.
Miss Mea.Signed, sealed, and duly delivered!
Miss Mac.Jessy! I must be deceived—pressing the hand of a man to your lips! I’m horrified!
Miss Mea.He first pressed mine, aunt; and surely the gallantry should not always be on one side. We love one another; the passion brings us to an equality, and I have made up my mind whereIlove, never to be less tender, less grateful, or less enthusiastic than he that honors me with his affection!
Miss Mac.Oh! what revolutionary sentiments! Now miss, I have done with you for ever. You are henceforth the mistress of your own actions. Do as you please: but never approach me with your matrimonial complaints and miseries, for I shall be totally deaf to them!
Che.It shall be my care, dear madam, to prevent that, by never giving her cause to complain.
[A knock at the door.
Miss Mac.Who can this be? Another man, no doubt!
DAMPERopens the door, and peeps in.
Dam.I beg your pardon, will you allow me to enter?
Miss Mac.I don’t know that I shall, sir—one of your sex has committed sufficient mischief here already!
Dam.(ToMISSMACAW.)Don’t be afraid of me—you are perfectly out of harm’s way.(ToCHESTER.)As my business is with you, sir, perhaps you will step out to me.
Miss Mea.Oh, sir—pray come in, sir.
Dam.(Advancing.)Mr. Niggle, the gentleman with whom you saw me yesterday, is my friend.
Che.Well, sir?
Dam.There are strange tales about, respecting you, sir; and that female with whom you were discovered in close conversation yesterday—and, in behalf of my friend, sir, I am here to ask you in plain language, who you are?
Che.It can be of little consequence to you sir, who, or what I am.
Miss Mea.A lady! Were you in conversation with a lady yesterday? What lady?
Dam.Ah, you may well ask. If that person is a stranger here, madam, whatever may be his intentions, look to him! My friend shall not fall a victim to the arts of a designing woman! You understand me—Ican see the likeness between you—precisely the same circumventing countenance!
Miss Mea.A designing woman!—and a likeness between you! Pray explain.
Dam.Well, sir, I have nothing more to say than this—your refusal to explain who you are, fully justifies my friend’s conduct towards that female; and any action that she may bring against him, he is quite prepared to defend. He has had experience in such matters, and snaps his fingers at you!
Miss Mea.(ToCHESTER.)I am afraid there is too much truth in the fancy that, I confess, troubled me. You are practising concealment with me, and till you remove every doubt from my mind, you must not expect further candour from me.
Che.Nay, hear me.
Miss Mea.Not till you are prepared to explain all. You see what a temper I have—I do not hide the slightest foible from you, and I expect equal sincerity at your hands.
[ExitF.E.L.
Che.In good time I will explain all; but now I cannot, will not.
[Exit, following her.
Miss Mac.Well I’m sure. Upon my word, the fellows give themselves fine airs—coming in here uninvited, and creating disturbances—fancying themselves authorized by nature to sport with our feelings, and trample us under foot! And what doyouwant here, sir?(ToDAMPER.)What right, sir, have you under this roof? Who sent for you? Why are you standing there making grimaces at me, sir?
Dam.Ha! ha! you are annoyed—I see you are, and it gratifies me; and my countenance always shows the gratification of my heart! When I see a woman vexed, I revel in the sight! Go into a rage, do—I should like to see you furious!
Miss Mac.Oh, dear no, sir; you shall be disappointed. If my anger is a source of pleasure to you, it shall be subdued immediately.(Places him a chair inC.)Pray, sir, sit down—make yourself happy! Will you take a glass of wine? or shall I get my guitar and sing you a love song?
Dam.(Sitting down,R.)I should like to taste the one and listen to the other, amazingly; but for once I’ll save you your wine and spare your vocal acquirements, and merely ask you a question, which I am sure you will answer, as I can perceive I have already made a favorable impression on your heart.
Miss Mac.Well, sir, I will for once make an effort to be civil. What do you wish to know?
Dam.Who is that young man?
Miss Mac.I really cannot inform you—I know no more of him than I do of you; and I need not tell you that I wish to know nothing of either!
Dam.Then, madam, allow me to say that I am astonished.
Miss Mac.At what, sir?
Dam.At a woman of your palpable experience opening your door to a stranger. How do you know what he may be? An assassin, a sharper, a seducer, perhaps.
Miss Mac.For the matter of that, sir, this door has been opened to you, and, for aught I know,youmay be one of those characters! Oh, sir, look indignant if you please, but whatever you may be, in my eyes your whole sex is hateful. You are all brimful of deceit, design, villainy, selfishness, and brutality! Had I my will, my door should be barred and double-locked against your entire gender!
Dam.Ah, you abusive woman! If wearevillains, ’tis your abominable sex that makes us such. If you were not weak, we should not be wicked? Who lost Mark Antony the world? a woman. Who betrayed the strong man into the hands of his enemies?—a woman. Who was the origin of all evil?—a woman, a woman!
Miss Mac.Who leads armies to battle and slaughter?—man. Who tyrannizes over and enslaves our poor weak sex?—man. Who always plays the violin while Rome is burning?—man. And if womanwasthe origin of all evil, who has cherished and supported evil, heart and soul, since its first introduction?—man, man!
Dam.And who has helped him?—woman! Good morning!
[ExitD.F.
Miss Mac.That is the most complete savage I have yet encountered!
Re-enterCHESTER,L.
Che.Your niece, madam, desires to see you. If my visit here has at all annoyed you, believe me I am sorry for it, and can assure you that the annoyance will not be repeated; for Miss Meadows and I are now as strangers!
Miss Mac.I am rejoiced to hear it.
Che.I should have been proud and happy to have made her my wife without asking one question as toherorigin or connexions, so great was the confidence I reposed in her. She has proved that her faith cannot equal mine; and on that point we have parted, and for ever! Good morning.
[ExitF.D.
Miss Mac.The most pleasant piece of intelligence I have heard to-day.
Re-enterMISSMEADOWS,F.E.L.
Miss Mea.Has he gone?
Miss Mac.To my great delight he has.
Miss Mea.Will he return?
Miss Mac.I have great hopes that he will not.
Miss Mea.Why does he refuse to explain all to me?
Miss Mac.As he has not asked you any questions, and appears quite willing to take a blind bargain in marrying you, I think it is but fair that you should be equally as ridiculous as the gentleman.
Miss Mea.You make no allowance for a woman’s natural curiosity—her proneness to jealousy, weaknesses that do not beset the minds of men so cruelly as they do ours. He knowsthat, and ought to have yielded!
Miss Mac.Come, come, my dear, come to your room.(Crosses toL.)I am very happy that this sad flirtation is at an end—I suspected you were both exceeding the bounds of discretion; and when you have gained my experience, you will regard all men with the same stern antipathy thatIdo! Come, come, don’t cry, dear. We are going out to tea, and you mustn’t cry. Weep for the loss of your kitten—the death of your bird—the spoiling of a new dress—but scorn to shed one tear for the loss of a man! It is quite useless; for the monster always carries such a large umbrella of selfishness, that the most pelting shower of tears can never, never penetrate him! Come, come.
[Exit, leading offMISSMEADOWS.
SCENE II.—A room atMISSSNARE’S—two chairs.
EnterPINKEYandNIGGLE,F.E.R.
Pin.Before the company comes, I reallydowant your advice on the matter. You have had experience with the ladies, Mr. Niggle—you have often popped in your time, I’llbe bound. Pray tell me how do you begin? Give me a lesson in the art.
Nig.First get a favourable opportunity.
Pin.All in the dark, eh? While you are talking, snuff out the candles, andthen, eh?
Nig.No, no, there may seem too much of jest in that. Contrive some moonlight walk with your lady; or manage to be sitting alone with her on some lovely autumn evening, in the light of the sinking sun, when all nature seems going to repose. I popped to my first love on just such an evening, and had to fight her brother on a wet foggy morning a month afterwards!
Pin.I’d rather not fight any brothers—I only want to pop to the sister; I don’t want any brothers to be popping at me in return! Oh, no.
Nig.Get your charmer near the window, looking over a garden if possible.
Pin.Well.
Nig.Admire the beauty and quiet of the hour.
Pin.Say “What a nice night.” I know.
Nig.Then breathe a gentle sigh. Ah!(Sighing.)
Pin.Ah!(Sighing in imitation.)
Nig.While you affect to be playing with her pocket handkerchief, gently take her hand.
Pin.Oh my gracious!
Nig.Press it with a delicate ardour.
Pin.Ah! Squeeze it as if I was half afraid.
Nig.Then whisper these words: “Does not a moment like this inspire you with feelings indescribable?”
Pin.Rather a long speech. Can’t I shorten it a little?
Nig.No, no—every word is of value. She will reply “Indeed it does”—then in the most pathetic tones you can command, you must add: “For my own part, I feel its influence so strongly here”—placing the hand you have at liberty on your heart—“that I could live for ever thus.”
Pin.Meaning in that attitude?
Nig.No, no, with your heart full of the passionate feelings you are to experience at that moment.
Pin.Ah, that’s speaking allegorically! Well?
Nig.Of course she will make no reply. Then you must be affected—seem to dry away a tear—and add with fervour, “till this moment I have been a miserable man.” Let your voice falter on the word miserable.
Pin.(In a tremulous tone.)Miserable!
Nig.That’s it; then continue: “’Tis in your power to make me the happiest being on earth! Will you be mine? dearest angel, will you be mine? Say yes, and I am blessed indeed; but reject me, and instant death shall be my portion!” Then fall at her feet, sob audibly, and hide your face in her lap!
Pin.Lord! I could never do all that—I might get as far as “Will you be mine?” but even then I think I should rush out of the house without waiting for the answer. And am I to sob and fall on my knees?Icould never do it, bless you—without I first took a few bumpers of spirits and water. Pray oblige me by writing the speech down for me. I’ll learn it by heart, and I wont wait for an autumn evening, but take the first favorable opportunity, eh? even if it’s to-night, eh?
Nig.Your favorable opportunity is half the battle; and as for the form of the declaration and proposal, I warrant it—I’ve tried it five times myself, and it never failed yet!
Pin.Hush! I hear her voice. Now step into the next room and write it all down for me, then I’ll take her unawares, and pop like fury!
Nig.Take her by storm—take her by storm!
Pin.I will, I will.
Nig.Faint heart, you know——
Pin.Never won fair lady!
Nig.Hush! they’re coming—follow me.
[ExitF.E.L.
Pin.Now or never, I’m resolved!
[Exit, following.
EnterMISSSKYLARK,carrying a small basket full of letters, followed byMISSSNARE,F.E.R.
Miss Sna.And is that basket full of Mr. Pinkey’s letters?
Miss Sky.Full.
Miss Sna.How very strange that he can never get courage to express the feelings, that you say he so beautifully describes in his epistles. What can be done to make him speak out?
Miss Sky.I suppose I must take his silence as the greatest proof of his sincerity; for all philosophers have declared that strong feelings, like great griefs, are generally dumb.
Miss Sna.Then where is the language of love?
Miss Sky.In that case the language of love is no language at all.
Miss Sna.And yet you tell me he writes so beautifully.
Miss Sky.You shall hear.(They sit;MISSSKYLARKproduces a letter from her basket.)Will you have a despairing or an enthusiastic letter?
Miss Sna.Try me first with a little despair, then the enthusiasm will relish all the better afterwards.
Miss Sky.Here is one that will suit you then.(Reading a letter.)“Dearest object of my soul—pardon the intrusion of your despairing admirer—but my passion for you is so intense, that neither night nor day can I close my eyes!”
Miss Sna.Poor fellow, how badly he must want a night’s rest.
Miss Sky.(Reading.)“For ever haunted by your charms, I have no other relief than in continually describing the feelings of my seared and desolate heart!” Isn’t that beautiful? Hemust have an affectionate disposition, or he couldn’t express himself so sweetly! “Seared and desolate!” What beautiful language! It seems only fit to be sung—never to be merely spoken.(Singing.)“Seared and——”
Miss Sna.Pray don’t begin singing your love letters—we shall never get to the end of one of them.
Miss Sky.I beg your pardon, I was carried away by my feelings. I’ll go on:(Reading.)“If it should be my wretched fate to meet with your scorn, pray destroy this letter, as you have already destroyed the happiness of your devoted slave——”
Miss Sna.Eh! Bless me, those words are very familiar to me!
Miss Sky.Familiar to you! Surely he has not been writing toyou?
Miss Sna.I have that letter in my pocket at this very moment!
Miss Sky.You have. Oh, the little monster!—I’ll box his ears!
Miss Sna.Nay, nay, the case is not so bad as you suppose it to be, though I have a similar letter in my possession, it is not from Mr. Pinkey.
Miss Sky.I don’t understand you—pray explain.
Miss Sna.(Taking a small book from her pocket.)You see this book—look at its title.
Miss Sky.(Reading.)“The Complete Letter Writer.”
Miss Sna.Mr. Pinkey’s despairing epistle is copied word for word, from that book.
Miss Sky.Copied from this book. Oh! the little amatory plagiarist!
Miss Sna.Look and be convinced—turn to page 20.
Miss Sky.(Reading.)“Dear object!”—here it is—even “seared and desolate” isn’t his own. Was there ever such impertinence—Oh! I’m in such a rage, if he were here I’d fling all his paltry letters in his face.(Turning over the leaves of the book.)Here they all are—“Loveliest of women”—“fly on the wings of love”—“meet my charmer”—“happy in her embraces for ever.” Here they all are word for word. How much did the book cost?
Miss Sna.Eighteen-pence.
Miss Sky.His despairing letters! his ardent letters! his reasonable letters! his polite letters! all, all copied from this book. And is it possible that so much despair, so much ardour, so much reason, so much politeness could have cost him but eighteen-pence; when I had fondly imagined they had cost him tears, and lonely hours of agony, and sighs and groans.—Oh! the little monster, if I could meet him now, I’d make him stand in the middle of the room, surrounded by his letters; I’d then set fire to them, and see him perish a martyr to his cool duplicity.
[A knock.
Miss Sna.Hush! he’s here.
Miss Sky.Is he? I’ll let him know that my affections are not to be obtained under false pretences.
[A knock at the door,F.E.L.
Miss Sna.Come in.
Re-enterPINKEYwith a paper in his hand,F.E.L.
Pin.It’s only me. I’ve got the speech.(Aside.)There’s the old lady come, Miss Snare, and her neice that lives with her; you asked them here you know to find out who they are. And the strange young man, that nobody can learn what he can be, is here, too. The ladies were asking for you, and I said I’d find you for them.
Miss Sna.You’re very kind, I’ll go to them directly. What do you think?—the young man that I have watched walking in the fields, every now and then, with the neice of the old maid at the cottage, and that we suspect is related to Miss Coy, is actually come here to tea this evening.
Miss Sky.Have you invited him?
Miss Sna.I caught him making a sketch of my little house here, and I told him as he seemed so taken with the beauty of its exterior that he was welcome to step in and survey the interior. Then I told him that two friends of his were coming here this evening, and that I should be happy to see him meet them. And he is actually come?(ToPINKEY.)
Pin.Yes, down stairs walking about by himself.
Miss Sna.Excellent! I long to understand the mystery that not only seems to surround him, but Miss Coy, and the other two ladies. So what with them, and Niggle and Damper, who are both coming——
Miss Sky.And of course Mr. Boss?
Miss Sna.Oh, yes; Mr. Boss of course.
Miss Sky.Hem?
Miss Sna.Now don’t look so sly at me—I confess the soft impeachment; but it is purely platonic, it is indeed. Well, when we are altogether, I expect my tea party will go off with eclat. Come to us as soon as you can.
Pin.(Offering his arm toMISSSNARE.)Allow me to escort you?(Crosses toL.)
Miss Sna.Oh, no sir; offer your arm to the lady that has the greatest right to it.
[ExitMISSSNARE,F.E.L.
Pin.Here’s the favourable opportunity come sooner than I expected. I’ve got the speech, but have not had time enough to learn it; perhaps I can recollect a few words and get a sly peep at the others.
Miss Sky.A little piratical object, how I should like to box his ears; but I’ll controul my temper for a moment.(Crosses toL.)
Pin.Hem! We are quite alone.
Miss Sky.Yes, I perceive we are.
Pin.Shall we sit down a bit, or how?
Miss Sky.As you please.
[They sit.
Pin.Hem! Oh, dear! what a twitter I am in. I shall never begin.
Miss Sky.(Singing without regarding him.)
“Why so pale and wan, fond lover,Pr’ythee why so pale?
“Why so pale and wan, fond lover,
Pr’ythee why so pale?
Pin.I dare say Iampale; but I have made up my mind, and Iwillbegin. Does not a moment like this inspire you with feelings—with feelings——(Looking at his paper aside.)
Miss Sky.What feelings?
Pin.Indescribable. I’ve got that out—what a long word, for a man in a fright.(Aside.)
Miss Sky.(Singing.)
“Will, when looking well can’t win her,Looking ill prevail?
“Will, when looking well can’t win her,
Looking ill prevail?
Pin.Now she ought to say, “indeed it does.” Never mind, as I have ventured so far, on I’ll go. For my own part I feel it’s influence so strongly here, that I could live for ever thus. There—that was well said.
Miss Sky.(Singing.)
“Why so dull and mute, young sinner,Pr’ythee, why so mute?”
“Why so dull and mute, young sinner,
Pr’ythee, why so mute?”
Pin.But I’m not mute, Miss Skylark; till this moment I have been a miserable man—till this moment I have been—Zounds, what comes next? A miserable man—oh, my stars, I’m fixed for want of a word—a miserable man——
Miss Sky.Have you indeed. Ah!(Sighing.)
Pin.She sighs. If half the speech has such an effect, what will all of it do?(Looking at his paper.)Oh, here’s the next word.(Continuing.)’Tis in your power——
Miss Sky.Ah!(Sighing again.)
Pin.Another sigh. I’m getting on.
Miss Sky.Dear object of my soul.
Pin.Oh, good heavens! I didn’t expect such language. Oh! I’m all of a tremble.
Miss Sky.My passion for you is so intense.
Pin.Oh, she’s popping to me and saving me all the bother.
Miss Sky.That neither night nor day can I close my eyes.
Pin.Eh? Oh, my! that’s the beginning of one of my letters.
Miss Sky.How beautifully you do express yourself.
Pin.Do I?
Miss Sky.You see this bundle.(Producing her bundle of letters.)Here are all your cherished letters; I need not tell you how I prize them.
Pin.I ought to sob and fall in her lap now.(Takes out hispocket-handkerchief and tries to sob.)I cant. I dont feel at all inclined to cry. Perhaps I shall, presently.
Miss Sky.If the contents of these billets——
Pin.Billys! Oh, ah—I understand.
Miss Sky.Were not copied from the complete letter-writer——
Pin.Oh, I’m found out. Well did I ever. Oh, there’s no falling at her feet, now.
Miss Sky.I need not confess they would be doubly dear to me——
Pin.Oh, there’s no harm done.(He draws his chair closer to her.)
Miss Sky.But, as they are mere second-hand declarations, permit me to return them. There—there—there and there.
[She throws all the letters and basket at him and runs off; he remains covered with them.PINKEYregards them bewildered; gathers them together and puts them into his handkerchief.
Pin.This comes of trying a warranted speech. And are these all my letters? What trouble I have taken, and in vain too. I’ll seal them up again—they’ll come in for somebody else! There’s some one at the door.
[He has placed all the letters in the basket, and conceals it behind him.
EnterBOSS,F.E.L.
Boss.Pinkey, my man, they are waiting tea for you up stairs. Miss Snare wants you to assist me in handing the toast. What’s the matter with you man? you look bewildered—a tiff with your lady I suppose.
[PINKEYutters a deep groan and goes offF.E.L.
Poor fellow, I’m afraid he’s unfortunate in his choice; though I suppose one must marry, it seems a necessary duty to society. I can’t confess that I’m in love, yet there seems to be a something about Miss Snare that is very agreeable. She admires me that’s clear; and, as I admire myself, there is certainly some sympathy between us. The Spartan laws considered bachelors as infamous: I think I have a little of the Spartan in me, and am half inclined to be of their opinion. I’ll turn the matter over in my mind.
[ExitF.E.L.
SCENE III.—A large room atMISSSNARE’S—In theS.E.R. is a fire-place, mantle-piece, looking-glass, &c., complete; a fender before it bearing toast, crumpets, &c.; a table on theL., on which is a complete tea-service, urn, &c.—MISSSNAREis presiding at the tea-table—PINKEYandBOSSare handing the tea and toast—PINKEYis very nervous and confused—BOSStakes every opportunity of surveying himself in the glass—PINKEY’Schair is on theL. of the fire-place, that ofBOSSon theR.—NIGGLEis next toPINKEY—DAMPERtoNIGGLE—CHESTERtoDAMPER—MISSSKYLARKnearCHESTER—MISSMEADOWSbehind the tea-table, facing the audience—MISSMACAWin front of it on theL.—All laughing as the scene is discovered.
Dam.(Drinking tea.)Ah, you may laugh, it was a miraculous escape, he was within a hairs breadth of the noose; but I saved his neck for him.
Miss Mac.I wish you had tied yourself up in it instead. How I should rejoice to see you caught in the toils.
Dam.If you could be tied up with me, I should not care for my own torments, while I could behold yours.
Pin.(Handing toast toNIGGLE,and speaking aside to him.)Oh! Such a climax to my attempt at a pop.
Nig.Did you try the speech?
Pin.Only half of it, I was cut short—tell you by and bye.
Miss Sna.Hand Miss Skylark some toast Mr. P. Put some coals on the fire, and bring me Mr. Damper’s cup.
Pin.Yes, ma’am.
Dam.(ToCHESTER.)I did not expect the pleasure of meetingyouhere, sir.
Che.I am sure, to find you in the presence of ladies, is an event quite as unexpected by me.
Miss Mac.I dare say it is, sir.
Miss Sna.(ToCHESTER.)Do you intend permanently residing in this town?
Che.I am undecided at present.
Dam.Intend to live with yourrelation, perhaps?
Che.Sir!
Dam.(ToNIGGLE.)That was a home thrust. Observe how he avoids it.
Miss Sna.(Loudly.)Coals, Mr. Pinkey, and you don’t attend to Miss Skylark.
Pin.(Jumping up.)Oh, I’d forgot.
[PINKEYseizes the coal-scuttle, and, in his confusion, is about to empty its contents intoMISSSKYLARK’Slap.
Miss Sky.(Rising.)What are you doing, sir?
All.Mr. Pinkey!
Pin.(Running to his chair.)I—I—don’t know what I’m doing. I—want to go home. I’m a little out of sorts—and——
[A loud knocking heard.
Nig.(Starts.)That’s very like her knock. Do you expect another visitor, Miss Snare?
Miss Sna.(Rising, and going toF.E.L.)No I do not.(Lookingoff.)It’s a friend of your’s, Mr. Niggle. Pray walk in, Miss Coy; pray walk in.
Nig.It is she.
Dam.Don’t be alarmed, I am with you—don’t be alarmed.
EnterMISSCAROLINECOY,dressed in bridal white,F.E.L.; she enters in a dignified manner.
Miss Coy.(Courtesying round her.)Good afternoon. I am sorry to disturb you. So, all assembled, the entire force of my traducers in full array before me. I am delighted to meet you all.
Nig.I think she carries the calm dignity of innocence in her manner.
Dam.All artifice.
Miss Coy.(SeeingCHARLES.)Youhere too?
Che.(Advancing to her,R.)Let them say what they will of you, my secret must be kept. If your intended possesses a real regard for you, it is not a mere tale of scandal that can turn him from you.
Miss Coy.I am in such a fury—feel so insulted.
Che.Then shower your wrath on their heads.
Miss Coy.I shall not spare them, be assured.(Sits.)
Dam.(ToNIGGLE.)Whispering, you see—agreeing both to tell the same story.
Miss Sna.Tea, Miss Coy?
Miss Coy.Presently, miss. Hem!
Dam.(ToNIGGLE.)Clearing her throat to begin.
Nig.If she plays upon my feelings I’m done for.
Dam.She is sure to try to do that—theyalltry to do that.
Miss Coy.You must be all well aware by this time, that I was about to be married to that fluctuating bachelor, Mr. Niggle, and, that the match is broken off, as much through the interference of his friend, as his want of the moral courage, necessary for so important an act as matrimony.
All.(ButDAMPERandNIGGLE.)Ha! ha! Moral courage for matrimony.
Dam.(ToNIGGLE.)Don’t let them have the laugh against you. Speak out, speak out.
Nig.(Rising.)I confess it has been a want of moral courage: for, long as I have pined for the joys of conjugal life, such is my universal admiration of the fair sex, that if Ihavehesitated to pass my life in the society ofonefemale, ’twas in fear that I should discover some radical defect of temper or manner, that might disturb my notions of woman generally; and I rather prefer to admire you through the gay medium of fancy, than venture to take a peep at you through the pale optics of truth.
All.Hear! hear! hear!
Miss Coy.And yet if you could find a woman that would behappy only in your presence, who would receive you with smiles and see you depart with tears, who would anticipate your every wish, be your companion, friend and comforter, you would cast aside your scruples and boldly dare the worst. I am but repeating your own words, once uttered to me.
Dam.Were you ever such an idiot as to say so much?
Nig.Yes, yes, it was in a tender moment.
Pin.On some autumn evening, eh?
Miss Sky.I think, sir, we had better commence a general election for the honor of possessing your hand. Let each candidate publish her list of pledges, and she that may exhibit one that could approach the nearest to your wishes, should be chosen as the representative of your conjugal happiness.
Nig.I am afraid the election once settled, as in other cases, many of the pledges would be forgotten; and a wife is a member that there is no unseating, let her disqualifications be ever so unconstitutional.
Dam.Hear! hear! hear!
Pin.Cheers from the opposition.
Boss.Silence, Pinkey.
Miss Coy.(Rises.)I am here to vindicate my character, not to expostulate with you, sir.(ToNIGGLE.)Miss Snare.
Miss Sna.Madam.
Miss Coy.You, in particular, have been making use of my name very freely.
Miss Sna.What have I said.
Miss Coy.Said! The other evening at Mr. Tattle’s, you said that my only motive for going to a watering place every summer, was for the purpose of riding a donkey, that the awkward paces of the animal might so set off my natural graces, that some wandering Lothario might be struck by them.
Miss Sna.I see nothing offensive in the remark.
Boss.(In his chair,F.E.R.)An elegant complimentIthink.
Miss Coy.Don’t talk to me, puppy.(ToBOSS.)
Boss.My dear Miss, I am sorry to see you so bitter, though I am not surprised at it. The superanuated beauty is ever the most acrimonious of old maids; as the finest Burgundy, when spoiled, produces the sharpest vinegar.
All.(ButNIGGLE.)Ha! ha! ha!
[MISSSNAREkisses her hand toBOSS; he rises and looks at himself in the glass.
Nig.I cant allow this. Miss Coy’s feelings shall not be trifled with.
Miss Coy.Oh, sir, your championship is now too late, had it been exerted yesterday morning, this scene might have been spared.(Sobbing.)
Nig.She’s crying: I can’t see her cry.(Rising.)
Dam.(Pulling him to his seat.)Sit down. All women can command tears.
Miss Mac.(Rising and calling toDAMPER.)Oh! you brute. Oh! you brute.
Miss Mea.Aunt, pray keep your seat and your temper.
Miss Coy.(Recovering herself.)And you, Miss Skylark, you must makeyourlittle additions to the tittle-tattle.
Miss Sky.I.
Miss Coy.A female adventurer, am I? deep in debt, and only anxious for a husband to remove that burthen from my shoulders; that I loiter in shady lanes, and pretend to study botany as an excuse for solitary walks; that I practice attitudes, sighs, and simulate fainting to attract attention.
Miss Sky.Never said a thing of the sort, miss, and the consciousness that you have really been so ridiculous, has alone made you suppose such things to have been applied to you.(She returns to her seat.)
Pin.(Advancing with great courage.)Oh, come, come, Miss, if that ladyhassaid that you were a botanist, and practice antics, I see no such harm in it.
Miss Coy.You see, sir: what can it matter what you may see, sir?
Pin.Perhaps it don’t; but it may matter what I can hear. Ah, you may look, I’ll makemylittle additions now, and then. I give you leave to turn all your vengeance on me, in lieu of attacking that lady.(Pointing toMISSSKYLARK.)Very fine indeed, to sit here pretending not to know your own son.
Dam.Well said, Pinkey—excellent.
Nig.If the little monster insults her, I’ll knock him down.
Miss Coy.What does the lunatic mean?
Pin.It’s not very often that I can say much, but when the fit is on me I can find words as fast as anybody, to express my meaning.
Dam.Express your strongest, Pinkey.
Nig.(Striving to leave his seat, is kept back byDAMPER.)He shall not.
Dam.Sit down and hear all.
Pin.Now, ma’am, while I’m in the vein I’ll have my say. You know that person there(Pointing toCHESTER.)is your clandestine son, and if Mr. Niggle had been unfortunate enough to have fallen a victim to your wiley arts, he would have found himself, not only the surreptitious father-in-law of a full grown young man, but responsible for a budget of bills, from milliners, linen-drapers, wig-makers, butchers, and wine depóts—and—that’s all.
Dam.And quite enough I think. Look at her, see how confounded she is now.
Miss Coy.(Falling into her chair.)Well, this is theclimaxof scandal.
[MISSMEADOWSrises and comes forward, followed byMISSMACAW.
Miss Mea.(ToMISSMACAW.)Pray let us leave the house.
Che.(Advancing and detaining her.)Are we never to meet again?
Miss Mea.Never, while so much mystery surrounds you.
Miss Coy.(ToMISSMACAW.)A word with you, madam, if you please.
Miss Mac.With me?
Miss Coy.If that gentlemanisso closely related to me a reported, it becomes my positive duty to warn him against forming any connection with you, madam, and your supposed niece, there.
Miss Mac.What may you have to warn him against?
Miss Coy.(R.) Look at the “Weekly Tell-tale,” you are drawn there in your true colors. A run-away Opera dancer, and an insolvent boarding-house keeper, are not the most desirable connexions for any young bachelor.
Miss Mac.(C.) Pray, madam, which may I be; the dancer or the housekeeper?
Miss Coy.Whichever you prefer, madam.
Miss Mac.Oh! the villiany of the world. This, sir, must be some ofyourmalice.(ToDAMPER.)
Dam.No, no, I wish it was.
Che.(ToMISSMEADOWS.)There, now we are both surrounded by mystery.
Miss Mea.A greater reason than ever that we part.
Che.A greater reason than ever that we should be the defenders of one another. Let slander do its worst—I repeat it aloud—let slander do its worst; for then is the time that we should surround our friends and defeat its malice. Then is the hour that the lover should be the more devoted; and, I here prove my devotion, by proclaiming before you all, that, let these ladies be under the worst of imputations, I am proud of the friendship of one, and shall be but too happy, to test my love for the other, by being her husband as soon as she will bestow upon me that happy title.
Miss Mea.Ah! do I find myself surpassed in generosity; then, indeed, we are friends once more.(Giving him her hand.)
Che.(L.) There you fluctuating bachelor,(ToNIGGLE.)when you wish to prove your affection, listen not to every idle tale, shrink at every paltry inuendo; but advance to the rescue of your ladies fame. Come, Miss Macaw, never heed slanderers, the ripest and the richest fruit is ever the most pecked.(Taking the arms ofMISSMACAWandMISSMEADOWSin his own.)Come, ladies, I will accompany you home. Mother!(ToMISSCOY.)since they will have it so, when you have fought your good fight, you know where to find me. Come, ladies; Miss Snare, good evening to you, thanks for your hospitality and its happy results.
[Exeunt withMISSMACAWandMISSMEADOWS.
Nig.He’s right, he’s right, this is the time that I ought to prove my love, if I have any.
Dam.Youwillrush into danger.
Nig.(PassingDAMPER.)Oh, Miss Coy, whoever that young man may be, his sentiments do honour to his heart. I have been weak, but——
Miss Coy.Nay, sir, your penitence is useless now, circumstances have occurred since yesterday, that make the division between us wider than ever.
Nig.What circumstances?
Miss Coy.There is no necessity for explanation; you are free to rove where you will, and may the next confiding creature that accepts your proposal be more fortunate than I have been.(Going.)
Nig.Nay, nay, don’t go, dear, don’t go. Damper, I must be married: think of the delights of a domestic temple of repose—a cheerful wife.
Miss Coy.Ah, sir, strike the balance between celibacy and matrimony, I will assist you. Go on, sir,—a cheerful wife——
Nig.Angelic!
Dam.Sometimes cross as the devil.
Nig.Ah, true!
Miss Coy.Dear, rosy children welcoming your return home.
Nig.Ah, delightful!
Dam.To plague and torment you with their noise, and their screaming and fighting all the time you are there.
Nig.Ah, true!
Miss Coy.To find every comfort that can make life endurable.
Nig.Oh, charming!
Dam.With heavy bills for their enjoyment, every week.
Nig.Ah, true!
Miss Coy.(R.) To look round you, and say, this house is my paradise.
Nig.(C.) Oh, happiness!
Dam.(L.) Till some one runs away with your wife.
Nig.Oh, Lord! There’s all my courage gone at once. No, I never shall get married.
Miss Coy.Remain then as you are, sir, a melancholy bachelor. Be guided by your friend, sir, do; be guided by a man that supposes he has formed a perfect acquaintance with our sex, when the creature never had a female friend that confided her heart’s feelings to him in all his life. Go, sir. Enjoy your freedom;(Crosses toL.)but abandon all hope of me, for an obstacle to our union, now exists, that cannot be removed.
[ExitF.E.L.
Nig.(ToDAMPER.)I don’t know whether to regard you as my good or my evil genius; but, whichever you are, I must follow her.
Dam.Don’t be weak.
Nig.What is the obstacle that for ever prevents our union?
Dam.Me, I dare say; yet, whatever it may be, don’t seek to know—be ignorant and be blest.
Nig.I must, I will know; such is the perversity of human nature, that now I have lost all hope of being a married man, I have a greater longing than ever for the name. Iwillfollow her and learn the obstacle.
Dam.Stay where you are.
Nig.I can’t. I feel that I can’t.
Dam.Then I’ll go with you.
Nig.You had better not.
Dam.I will.
Nig.You had better not.
Dam.I will.
[NIGGLEruns off,F.E.L.; DAMPERfollows.MISSSNAREandBOSShave been flirting during the foregoing dialogue.PINKEYhas kept his seat near the fire, not daring to move, asMISSSKYLARKhas been constantly regarding him.
Miss Sna.What an extraordinary series of events, for one afternoon, and no learning who or what Miss Macaw and her neice are.
Boss.Or their gentleman either. It’s all very singular. Pinkey, my man, we are going to give you another opportunity; profit by it.
Pin.Oh, don’t leave me, pray don’t.
Boss.Try again, man; try again.
Miss Sna.And avoid copying letters.
Pin.Oh! those letters.
Miss Sna.Now, Mr. Boss, will you step and look at my little parterre?
Boss.Really, I’m noflorist.
Miss Sna.But you always make some valuable observation, whatever you may be regarding—you can’t help it—your natural good taste is so prevailing.
Boss.Do you think so, really?
Miss Sna.Sincerely I do.
Boss.Upon my life you are a very agreeable creature.
Miss Sna.It requires little effort to be agreeable where you are.
Boss.’Pon my honour, you’ll make me actually in love—
Miss Sna.Ah!
Boss.With myself.
Miss Sna.Oh!
[ExeuntMISSSNAREandBOSS; PINKEYrises, and makes an effort to run out of the room;MISSSKYLARKrises.
Miss Sky.I am sorry to see you so embarrassed, Mr. Pinkey; the indignation that I expressed this afternoon when I returned your letters, has been entirely removed by your generous conduct in defending me. Don’t attempt to speak just now; because I know you can’t if you were to try. Think of what I have said; but pray avoid my presence till you have acquired sufficient courage to express your wishes. Good evening, I leave you like—(Singing.)
“The last rose of summerLeft blooming alone;Whose lovely companionsAre faded and gone.”
“The last rose of summer
Left blooming alone;
Whose lovely companions
Are faded and gone.”
[Exit.
Pin.(Rising with energy.)I must and I will shake off my shyness. What can I do? I’ll run home and try what a bottle or two of port—or sherry—or a bottle of each will do for me. I cannot live this life, it’s killing me by inches. Oh! she’s coming back—I will make a desperate rush—a kind of despair seems to fill my heart that gives me a sort of courage; and, if it isn’t of the right sort, it may answer just as well. I wont wait to look at her, that always does for me—I wont wait to think—I’ll only say—“Will you be mine.” Then if she says “Yes,” there’s an end of the matter. No more speeches—all rubbish—a few words—short and to the point, that’s the way—I know it—I feel it.
MISSMACAWentersF.E.L.; PINKEY’Sback is towards her.
Miss Mac.I’ve left my reticule.
[PINKEYrushes towards her and falls on both his knees.
Pin.Will you be mine?
Miss Mac.(Boxing his ears.)That’s for your impertinence, sir.
Pin.It’s the wrong woman, and all my courage has been thrown away. I’ll really beg——
Miss Mac.How dare you, sir?
Pin.I didn’t know.
Miss Mac.Have I ever encouraged you?
Pin.No, no, you never did.
Miss Mac.Begone, contemptible creature.(Stamps her foot;PINKEYruns off in alarm,L.)A little presumptuous mortal, to dare to take such a liberty. Where’s my reticule?(Searching the chairs.)
Dam.(Without.)Oh, here, is she?
EnterDAMPER,F.E.L.
Dam.I’ve made up my mind now, what to do. He will not be guided by me any longer, hewillrush to his ruin; but I’ll first get married myself, to show him how right I am in all that I said of the misery of the state. Miss Maria Macaw.
Miss Mac.Sir.
Dam.I have been looking for you. Sit down.
Miss Mac.I sha’n’t.
Dam.I want to tell you something.
Miss Mac.Well, sir, tell it.
Dam.I hate you.
[They sit.
Miss Mac.Well, sir, and I hate you.
Dam.Then we ought to be married.
Miss Mac.What?
Dam.I say we ought to be married; because we shall begin at the right end. All the rest of the world begin with love and finish with hating. We will be wiser—begin with hate and perhaps—I say perhaps end with love. I mean what I say—I have a motive for what I am saying. Do you hate me heartily enough to marry me?
Miss Mac.I do, sir.
Dam.You can’t endure me?
Miss Mac.I think you a most hateful person.
Dam.You, to me, are a perfect Gorgon.
Miss Mac.I’m very happy to hear it.
Dam.And if we do come together, we’ll strive all in our power to make each other miserable.
Miss Mac.I’ll do my best, be assured.
Dam.Thwart each other in every thing.
Miss Mac.If you want to walk, I’ll insist upon riding.
Dam.Agreed!
Miss Mac.When you want to be silent, I’ll talk you to death.
Dam.Agreed!
Miss Mac.And annoy you night and day in every possible manner—think of nothing else——
Dam.Excellent!
Miss Mac.Study nothing else.
Dam.Delicious! There’s my hand, whatever you are—whoever you may be—whatever your character, there’s my hand.
Miss Mac.And there, sir, is mine.(Presenting her hand.)
Dam.Fright!
Miss Mac.Brute!
Dam.A kiss?
Miss Mac.No.
Dam.Yes. The first and the last.
Miss Mac.On that condition, there.
[She presents her cheek;DAMPERkisses her.
NIGGLEruns on and stands in amazement.
Nig.(Exclaims in surprise.)Damper!
[DAMPERandMISSMACAWsit looking at each other, with great ferocity, as the act drop descends.
END OF ACT II.