FOOTNOTES:

FOOTNOTES:[1]I once stood high on Fortune’s ladder.Although DameFortunawas, by ancient mythologists, represented as a whimsical being, cutting her capers on the periphery of a large wheel, I am justified in accommodating her goddesship with a ladder, by virtue of a figure in rhetoric calledPoetica Licentia(anglice) poets’ licentiousness.[2]Mytintinabulumof rhyming.“The clock-work tintinabulum of rhyme.”—Cowper.[3]I’ll drink Pierian puddle dry.Pursuant to Mr Pope’s advice;“Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring.”[4]Sent me a bag full of his gas.This wondrous soul-transporting modification of matter is christened by chymistsgaseous oxyd of nitrogen, and, as will be evident, from the following sublime stanzas, and my judicious comments thereon (in which I hold themicroscopeof criticism to those my peculiar beauties which are not visible to thenaked eyeof common sense) is a subject worthy the serious attention of the poet and physiologist.Any “half-formed witling,” as Pope says (Essay on Criticism) “may hammer crude conceptions into a sort of measured nonsense, vulgarly called prose bewitched.” But the daring mortal, who aspires to “build with lofty rhyme” anÆvi Monumentum, before he sets about the mighty enterprise, must be filled with a sort of incomprehensiblequiddamof divine inflation. Then, if he can keep clear of Bedlam, and be allowed the use of pen, ink, and paper, every line he scribbles, and every phrase he utters, will be a miracle of sublimity. Thus one Miss Sibyl remained stupid as a barber’s block, till overpowered by the overbearing influence of Phœbus. But when——————ea fræna furentiConcutit, et stimulos sub pectore vertit Apollo,the frantic gipsy muttered responses at once sublime, prophetic, and unintelligible.Indeed, thisfuror mentis, so necessary an ingredient in the composition of the genuine poet, sometimes terminates in real madness, as was unfortunately the case with Collins and Smart: Swift, Johnson, and Cowper, were not without dismal apprehensions of a similar fate. The wight, therefore, who wishes to secure to himself a sublunary immortality by dint of poetizing, and happens not to bepoeta nascitur, must, like Doctor Caustic, in the present instance, seek a sort of cow-pock-like substitute for that legitimaterabies, which characterizes the true sons of Apollo.[5]Was hous’d in heaven’s high upper story.Brother Southey then made the important discovery that “the atmosphere of the highest of all possible heavens was composed of this gas.”Beddoe’s Notice.[6]Have said that, in his Epic Poem.The same poem to which the gentleman alludes in his huge quarto edition ofJoan of Arc, in the words following—“Liberal criticism I shall attend to, and I hope to profit by, in the execution of myMadoc, an epic poem on the discovery of America, by that prince, on which I am now engaged.”Asliberalcriticism appears to be a great desideratum with this sublime poet, I trust he will gratefully acknowledge the specimens of my liberality towards a worthy brother, which I propose hereafter to exhibit.[7]The beldam’s crack’d or Caustic crazy.Or, it is possible, may it please your worships, that I—I for the matter of that am a little te—te—tipsy, or so.—But as there may perhaps be, as it were, now and then, one of your Right Worshipful Fraternity, who has been in a similar predicament se—se ipse, I hope I shall receive your worships’ permission to stagger on with a jug full of gas in my noddle, at least, through a stanza or two.[8]I’m fall’n! fall’n! fall’n! down, flat! flat! flat!See Dryden’s Feast of Alexander, where one king Darius has a terrible tumble down, beautifully described by half a dozen “fallens.” But I think the Persian monarch did not after all, fall quite soflatas Doctor Caustic.[9]And women to hysteric fits.See the lamentable case of the Lady, page 16th of Dr Beddoes’s pamphlet, who, taking a drop too much of this panacea, fell into hysterical fits, &c.[10]Besides ashoalof learned Dutchmen.Boerhaave, Steno, De Graff, Swammerdam, Zimmerman,cum multis aliis. By the by, gentlemen, this epithetshoalis not always to be taken in ashallowsense; but when applied to suchdeepfellows, must be considered as noun of multitude, as we say ashoalof herrings.[11]——discern, prescribe, apply,And cure——My learned friend, Dr Timothy Triangle perusing the manuscript of this my pithy petition, discovered that my description of themodus operandion the insect as above, compared with the celebrated “veni, vidi, vici,” as a specimen of fine writing, is superior in the direct proportion offourtothree; consequently Dr Caustic has advanced one step higher in the climax of sublimity than Julius Cesar.[12]Could matchOURSELFat second sight.That your worships may be able to form something like an idea of the wonderful ken of our mental optics, it will be necessary to con with diligence the opinions of Dr Johnson on this subject, as expressed in his tour to the Hebrides. The Doctor there tells us, that though he “never could advance his curiosity to conviction, yet he came away at last,willingto believe.” But we would have all those who anticipate the deriving any advantage from our slight at second seeing, not only willing, but absolutelypredeterminedto “believe,” positive evidence to the contrary notwithstanding.[13]Foreseeing things which never will be.Yes, gentlemen; among other great and wonderful events which we foretold, but which never have happened, and moreover never will happen, was the restoration of the Jews by the intervention of that renowned pacificator, Buonaparte. We first prophecied, and many men of our cast who had a knack at prying into futurity, echoed our prediction, that thepiousemperor of the Gauls would make Jerusalem the head quarters of the Millennium, and under our auspices many a wandering Jew was recruited, and stood in readiness to march at a moment’s warning to take possession of his patrimonial property.[14]In our good friend, SirJoseph’sname.This was immensely proper, as I propose colonizing these hithertoTerræ Incognitæ, and know of no person in existence, exceptmyself(who am now decrepit with age, and, alas, sadly poverty stricken) whose scientific qualifications, knowledge of the coast, and well known ardent zeal in the science of Tadpolism, so well entitle him to command such important expedition.[15]With leg or wing, he kick or jerk it.Could we command the years of a Nestor, “the indelible ink” of a Lettersom, and the diligence of a Dutch commentator, we should still readily acknowledge that our powers were totally inadequate to the task of eulogising, in proportion to their merits, the philosophical and literary performances of that profound sage, Dr James Anderson, LL. D., F. R. S.,Scotland, &c. &c. whose mysterious hints afford a clue by which we have been enabled to add lustre to the present age, by many of our own sublime discoveries and inventions.In hisdeepwork called “Recreations in Agriculture and Natural History,” the Doctor says, among other things not less marvelous, “The mathematician can demonstrate with the most decisive certainty, that noflycan alight on this globe which we inhabit, without communicatingmotionto it; and he can ascertain, with the most accurate precision,if so he choose to do” (by the by, thissine qua nonpart of the sentence is very beautiful, and not at all redundant) “what must be the exact amount of the motion thus produced.”Vol.ii.p.350.[16]Is doctoring off one generation.“Perhaps no important revolution was ever bloodless. It may be useful in this place to recollect in what the mischief of shedding blood consists. The abuses, which at present exist in all political societies are so enormous, the oppressions which are exercised are so intolerable, the ignorance and vice which they entail so dreadful, that possibly a dispassionate inquirer might decide that, if their annihilation could be purchased by an instant sweeping off of every human being now arrived at maturity, from the face of the earth, the purchase would not be too dear,” &c. &c.—Godwin’s Political Justice.[17]Those LL. D.s’ of Lynch’s Law.Lynch Law, is, we believe, synonymous withmob law, sometimes calledclub law. By this law summaryinjusticeis executed by an ignorant and furious multitude, who burn and destroy, plunder and murder, without measure and without mercy, the property and persons of anybody and everybody who happen to be obnoxious, or are pointed out as objects entitled to the particular attention of their mobocratic mightinesses. Sometimes the poor individuals who are so unlucky as to fall into the clutches of these horrible human harpies, are subjected to mock trials, in which the accusers enact the parts of law makers, judges and executioners. A man by the name of Lynch, who lives, or has lived, somewhere in the West, was active in this mode of taking cognizance of offences, whence the whole process is calledLynch law. But thereby hangs a tale, which we either do not recollect, or have never heard; and in either case, we shall not, at present, trouble your worships with its recital.[18]Call’d craniology of snipes.It would require an immensity of books, and an eternity of time to describe or even allude to the physiological, craniological, physiognomical, phrenological, &c. &c. &c. theories of Dr Gall, and a multitude of his followers. We shall, therefore, attempt no such thing, but content ourself with the simple assertion, which we will maintainpugnis et calcibus, that, as to the craniology of reptiles and insects we are out of sight above the utmost stretch of whatsoever these superb philosophers could possibly comprehend.[19]Vanish before our beauty washes.Mr Mackenzie, author offive thousand receipts, &c., deserves to be trounced and anathematized for the following vulgar sentence:“To set off the complexion with all the advantage it can attain, nothing more is necessary than to wash the face with pure water, or if anything farther be occasionally wanted, it is only the addition of a little soap.”[20]We transform dowdies into goddesses.We here quote a passage from a popular writer merely to indicate our utter disapprobation of the author and of his sentiments:“The solicitude of parents, especially of mothers to make their daughters fine ladies is truly ridiculous. How often soever the poor child has occasion to look at anything below the parallel of the horizon, and a little relax the muscles of the neck, it can hardly ever escape the notice of her mamma or her governess, and she is bid with more than common poignancy of expression, to hold up her head, perhaps more than a thousand times in a day. If one of her shoulders should be thought to rise but an hair’s breadth higher than the other, she is immediately bound and braced, twisted and screwed, in a most unmerciful manner, and tortured almost to death, in order to correct the supposed irregularity. And lest the dear creature, in the natural play and free use of her limbs, should contract any ungenteel habits, the dancing master must be called in at least three times a week to put every part of the body into its due place and attitude, and teach her to sit, stand and walk according to the exact rules of his art, which, to be sure, must infinitely exceed all the simplicity of untutored nature. Should the least pimple appear on any part of the face, or what is still more alarming, should the milk-maid’s flush begin to betray itself in the color of the cheeks, all possible means must be used, physic and diet must do their part, nay, health itself must be endangered or destroyed to suppress the vulgar complexion.“Health and beauty have been frequently destroyed by a solicitous care to preserve them, deformity induced, and a thousand ill habits contracted by the very means that were intended to prevent them.”—Ash’s Sentiments on Education.[21]See additional note No. 1, at the end of the volume.[22]They might as well have none at all.The process by which this fabrication is effected is copied from Nature; and her manipulations in similar performances have been thus described in some of our heretofore publications:Certain sages learn’d and twistical,By reasoning not a whit sophistical,Have proved what’s wonderful, to wit,The smallest atom may be split,Then split again,ad infinitum;And diagrams, which much delight ’em,By Mr Martin make this outBeyond the shadow of a doubt.Matterthussplittable, I wean,With half an eye it may be seen,Thatspirit, being much diviner,May be proportionably finer;Nor is this merelypostulatum,’Tis proved by facts, and thus I state them.Dame Nature erst, in mood of merriment,Perform’d the following odd experiment;She took a most diminish’d sprite,Smaller than microscopic mite,An hundred thousand such might lieWedged in a cambric needle’s eye,And first, by dint of her divinity,Divided that one whole infinity,Then cull’d the very smallest particle,And shaped therefrom that worthless article,That tiny evanescent dole,Which serves for Dicky Dapper’s soul.[23]Horace says,dulce est desipere.The stanza with which this line commences, is a liberal, but so far as respects meaning, a faithful translation of the famous maxim,Dulce est desipere in loco.—HoraceL. iv. C. 12.[24]Is made of any kind of wood.The hint for this improvement was derived from an article in theAmerican Farmer, from which the following is extracted:“A few weeks since, two of the members of the United Society of Shakers, at Lebanon, N. Y., were at our office. They informed us that they had tried an experiment in feeding hogs withsaw dust, produced in their button and other wooden ware factory, by mixing with the usual food, in the proportion of one third; that is, two parts of the usual food and one part of saw dust; and that the hogs thrive full as well as when fed in the usual way. From their experiments they are satisfied that the saw-dust was digested by the animals, was nutritious, and answered in all respects the purposes of the usual food.”[25]Illumed as one would light a candle.In my younger days, I lived on terms of intimacy with Doctor Franklin, highly honorable to both parties, as it showed we were both men of discernment in choosing each a great man for his friend.In a letter from that venerable sage, afterwards printed (See Franklin’s Works,p.115,vol.ii.third edition) he toldmethat toads buried in sand, shut up in hollow trees, &c. would live forever, as it were; and, among other things, informed me of certain curious facts about flies, which I will relate in his own words. “I have seen an instance of common flies preserved in a manner somewhat similar. They had been drowned in Madeira wine, apparently about the time when it was bottled in Virginia, to be sent to London. At the opening of one of the bottles, at the house of a friend where I was, three drowned flies fell into the first glass which was filled. Having heard it remarked that drowned flies were capable of being revived by the rays of the sun, I proposed making the experiment upon these. They were therefore exposed to the sun upon a sieve, which had been employed to strain them out of the wine. In less than three hours two of them began by degrees to recover life. They commenced by some convulsive motions of the thighs, and at length they raised themselves upon their legs, wiped their eyes with their fore feet, beat and brushed their wings with their hind feet, and soon after began to fly, finding themselves in Old England, without knowing how they came thither. The third continued lifeless until sun-set, when, losing all hopes of him, he was thrown away.“I wish it were possible, from this instance, to invent a method of embalming drowned persons, in such a manner that they might be recalled to life, at any period, however distant; for having a very ardent desire to see and observe the state of America a hundred years hence, I should prefer to an ordinary death, the being immersed in a cask of Madeira wine, with a few friends, until that time, then to be recalled to life by the solar warmth of my dear country. But since, in all probability, we live in an age too early, and too near the infancy of science, to see such an art brought, in our time, to perfection, I must, for the present, content myself with the treat which you are so kind as to promise me, of the resurrection of a fowl or turkey cock.”[26]To healthier action than before.I do not arrogate to myself the whole merit of this noble invention. Dr Price and Mr Godwin, in divers elaborate works, especially the latter, in hisPolitical Justice, suggested some ideas which set my ingenuity in such a ferment, that I could not rest quietly till I had brewed a sublime treatise on the best mode of pulling down, repairing, and rebuilding decayed and worn out animal machines.I shall not attempt, in this place, to oblige your worships with anything like a table of the contents of this judicious and profound performance. I will, however, gratify your curiosity so far as to glance cursorily at a few of the leading topics therein discussed and illustrated, and slightly mention some of the immense advantages which will be the result of this discovery.In the first place, I make it apparent, by a long series of experiments and scientific deductions, drawn therefrom, that it is very practicable to enlighten the mind of a stupid fellow, by battering, boring, or pulling his body to pieces.—Mr poet Waller’s authority is here to my purpose, who tells us, that“The soul’s dark cottagebatter’dand decay’d,Lets innew lightthrough chinks which time has made.”Mr Gray, likewise, in hisHymn to Adversity, requests that “Daughter of Jove” to imposegentlyher “iron hand,” and trouble him alittlewith her “torturing hour,” although he appears disposed to avoid, if possible, her more dismal accompaniments, such as her “Gorgonic frown,” and the “funereal cry of horror.”The Spaniards, under Cortes and Pizarro, managed much in the same way, and enlightened the natives of the mighty empires of Peru and Mexico in the great truths of Christianity, by killing a part, reducing the remainder to a state of servitude, and battering their souls’ cottages at their leisure. This process is in part expressed in a poetical epistle, which I received not long since from my correspondent settled at Terra del Fuego, in South America, who thus expresses the conduct of some of his acquaintance, in converting the aborigines to Christianity.Good folks to America cameTo curtail old Satan’s dominions;The natives, the more to their shame,Stuck fast to their ancient opinions.Till a method the pious men find,Which ne’er had occur’d to your dull wits.Of making sky-lights to the mind,By boring the body with bullets.Like Waller, with process so droll,To illume an old clod-pated noddy;They thought they might burnish the soul,By beating a hole in the body.I have read of a great mathematician, who was uncommonly stupid till about the age of twenty, when he accidentally pitched head first into a deep Well, fractured his skull, and it became necessary to trepan him. After the operation it was immediately evident that his wit was much improved, and he soon became a prodigy of intellect. Whether this alteration was caused by “new light let in through chinks,” the trapanning chisel had made, or whether the texture and position of the brain were materially changed for the better in consequence of the jar and contusion of the fall, I shall leave to some future Lavater, or any other gentleman, who can gauge the capacity of a statesman, or a barrel of porter, with equal facility, to determine.2d. I proceed to demonstrate, that man being, as our most enlightenedmodernphilosophers allow, jumbled together by merechance(a blind; capricious goddess, who, half her time, does not know what she is about) it is extremely easy to understand the principles of his texture; because the mechanism of his frame is less intricate than that of a common spit jack. Consequently, a Solomon or a Brodum can mend this machine when deranged, as Well as a Harvey, a Sydenham, or a Mead.3d. I proceed to prove, from analogy, with what facility this machine may be disjointed, pulled to pieces, and again botched together. My friend Mahomet had his heart taken out, a drop of black blood expressed therefrom, and went about his common concerns next day as well as ever. So when a sighing swain is taken desperately in love, he may lose all his insides without any Very serious inconvenience. This I can attest fromsad experience, as, about forty years since, I was terribly in for’t, with a sweet little sprig of divinity, whose elbow was ever her most prominent feature, whenever I had the audacity to attempt to approximate the shrine of her Goddesship.4th. The important advantages, which will undoubtedly arise from this invention, are almost too obvious to require explanation. I shall, however, advert to a few.By taking the animal machine to pieces, you may divest it of such particles as clog its wheels, and render its motions less perfect. A decayed, worn-out gallant may haveitsparts separated, thoroughly burnished, botched together, and rendered as bright as a new-coined silver sixpence. Thus my venerable Piccadilly friend, who, as Darwin expresses it, sometimes “clasps a beauty inPlatonicarms;” if he should, fifty years hence, perceive that the mechanism of his frame is rather the worse for wear, may come to Dr Caustic, and be rebuilt into as fine a young buck as any in Christendom.5th. Hereditary diseases may be thus culled from the constitution, and gouty and other deleterious particles separated from those which are sound and healthful.Pride may be picked from the composition of an upstart mushroom of a nobleman, impudence from a quack, knavery from a lawyer, moroseness from a methodist, testiness from an old bachelor, peevishness from an old maid; in short, mankind altered from what they are to what they ought to be, by a method at once cheap, practicable, easy and expeditious.The only difficulty which has ever opposed itself to my carrying this sublime invention to the highest possible pitch of perfection, has been the almost utter impossibility of procuring any man, woman, or child, who is willing to become the subject of operation. Now if either of your worships would loan me his carcase to be picked to pieces, and again botched together in the manner above stated, provided the experiment should not fully succeed, I will engage to payallthe damages thereby accruing to community, out ofone tenthpart of the profits of this publication.[27]The gods ofoldfolks could makeyoungones.——Stricto Medea recluditEnse senis jugulum: veteremque exire cruoremPassa, replet succis. Quos postquam combibit ÆsonAut ore acceptos, aut vulnere barda, comæqueCanitie posita nigrum rapuere colorem.Pulsa fugit macies.This passage, with a condensation of thought and felicity of expression peculiar to myself, I have thus happily hit into English.Medea cut the wither’d weasandOf superannuated Æson,Then fill’d him with the acrid juicesOf nettle-tops and flower-de-luces;Till from the defunct carcase, lo!Starts a full blooded Bond street beau!![28]In mimic earthquakes, rain, and thunder!Chymistry furnishes us with a method of manufacturingartificialearthquakes, which will have all the great effects of those that are natural. The old-fashioned receipt for an earthquake, however, of iron filings and sulphur mixed in certain proportions and immersed in the earth, I shall not take the trouble to state to your worships; as most of you have,perhaps, read Mr Martin’s Philosophy nearly half through. But my plan is to make such an earthquake as no mortal, except Dr Darwin and myself, ever supposed possible. The former gentleman made shift to explode the moon from thesouthernhemisphere of our earth, and I propose to forward other moons by artificial earthquakes of my own invention, from thenorthernhemisphere. I will give your worships a specimen of Dr Darwin’s moon-producing earthquake, from “Botanic Garden,” Canto I.“Gnomes! How you shriek’d! when through the troubled air,Roar’d the fierce din of elemental war;When rose the continents, and sunk the main,And earth’s huge sphere exploding burst in twain.—Gnomes! How you gazed! When from her wounded side,Where now theSouthsea heaves its waste of tide,Rose on swift wheels theMoon’srefulgent car,Circling the solar orb, a sister star,Dimpled with vales, with shining hills emboss’d,And roll’d round earth her airless realms of frost.”No man will say in this case,—Parturiunt montes nascetur ridiculus mus.The reaction, at the moment of explosion, of that mass of matter which now composes our moon, is the cause of the obliquity of the polar axis to the poles of the ecliptic, according to Dr Darwin; though Milton says,“—————Angels turn’d askanceThe poles of earth twice ten degrees and more:From the sun’s axle, they with labor push’dOblique the centric globe.”—Whether an explosion similar to that, so beautifully described by Dr Darwin, from thenorthside of the equator, would not set all right, and a new era be announced, which will be, like that of old, when“——————SpringPerpetual smiled on earth, with vernal flowers,Equal in days and nights”——is a problem worth the attention of our modern philosophers. But at any rate, I, Dr Caustic, will positively try the experiment.[29]E’en fairly knock the man in the moon down!This notable exploit I think to be a very great improvement on electrical experiments made by a number of renowned French and English philosophers. SeePriestly’s History of Electricity, page 94.[30]We took like macaroni snuff.Dr Darwin alludes to this wonderful performance in the following superb lines:“Led by the sage, lo! Britain’s sons shall guideHugeSEA-BALLOONSbeneath the tossing tide;The diving castles roof’d with spheric glass,Ribb’d with strong oak, and barr’d with bolts of brass,Buoy’d with pure air shall endless tracts pursue,AndPriestley’shand the vital flood renew.”Botanic Garden,Cantoiv.[31]And if Britannia interferes.That Great Britain, not content with domineering on the surface, contemplates the colonizing of the depths of the ocean, is evident from the following lines, by Dr Darwin:“Then shall Britannia rule the wealthy realms,Which ocean’s wide insatiate wave o’erwhelms;Confine in netted bowers his scaly flocks,Part his blue plains, and people all his rocks.Deep in warm waves, beneath the line that roll,Beneath the shadowy ice-isles of the pole,Onward, through bright meandering vales afar,Obedientsharks[A]shall trail her sceptred car,With harness’d necks the pearly flood disturb,Stretch the silk rein, and champ the silver curb.”But be it known by these presents to Britannia’s ladyship, that all that part of the ocean, which lies between the centre of gravity and six feet of the surface, including whatsoever salt water touches or rests upon, belongs to Doctor Caustic, by the rights of discovery and pre-occupation.[32]And if the theory of Babbage, &c.Charles Babbage, Esq. A. M., Lucasian Professor of Mathematics in the University of Cambridge, [Eng.] and member of several academies, has written and published a workOn the Economy of Machinery and Manufactures, which furnished that impulse to ourOrgan of Constructivenesswhich eventuated in the accomplishment of the solid gas manufactory above alluded to.“In Iceland the sources of heat [to wit, hot springs, volcanoes, &c.] and their proximity seem almost to point out the future destiny of that island. The use of its glaciers may enable its inhabitants to liquefy the gases with the least expenditure of mechanical force; and the heat of its volcanoes may supply the power necessary for their condensation. Thus, in a future age,powermay become the staple commodity of the Icelanders, and of the inhabitants of other volcanic districts; and possibly the very process by which they will procure this article of exchange for the luxuries of happier climates, may, in some measure tame, the tremendous element which occasionally devastates this province.”By our improvement, after the gases are condensed into a liquid, they are made solid by the total abstraction therefrom of every particle of caloric, insomuch that a thermometer, of our invention, with its bulb in a ball of gas, indicated 999 degrees below 0 of Fahrenheit.[33]He wanted science to go through it.Monsieur Citizen Volney, a sort of minor doctor Caustic, published a circular letter, requesting the co-operation of men of similar views and intellects with his own, to make observations on the course and velocity of the winds, the times of their occurrence, &c. in different parts of the globe. The results of these observations he wished might be forwarded to him at Paris, that he might therefrom be able to complete a theory, which he had partly formed for calculating the tides and currents of the atmosphere, with as much precision as those of the ocean are now predicted.Dr Franklin’s theories relative to this subject also deserve the meed of metrical immortality. His tropical hurricanes, caused by a whirling precipitance of cold air from the upper to the lower region of the atmosphere are very fine phenomena. Hisnorth east storms, which, on our continent, begin their operations at thesouth west, in consequence of some extra rarefaction of air somewhere on or about the isthmus of Darien, deserve a minute inspection. The ascent of rarefied air at the equator, which makes its way to the poles, and visits us in the form of a frigorific north-wester, as explained by Dr Darwin, requires your worship’s high consideration. But we do not believe it possible by a single impulse to project all this philosophy into your right worshipful’s pericrania. You will, therefore, please wait till we have leisure for the operation.[34]And would not let him “vomit air.”This terrible bear is likewise a camelion, and also a dragon. But here you have him—“Castled on ice, beneath the circling bear,A vastCAMELIONdrinks andvomitsair;O’er twelve degrees his ribs gigantic bend,And many a league his gasping jaws extend;Half fish beneath, his scaly volutes spread,And vegetable plumage crests his head,Huge fields of air his wrinkled skin receives,From panting gills, wide lungs,and waving leaves;[B]Then with dread throes subsides his bloated form,His shriek the thunder, and his sigh the storm.”Botanic Garden.And again in prose.“Though the immediate cause of the destruction or reproduction of great masses of air, at certain times when the wind changes from north to south, or from south to north, cannot yet be ascertained; yet as there appears greater difficulty in accounting for this change of wind from any other known causes, we may still suspect that there exists in the arctic and antarctic circles, aBEARorDRAGON, yet unknown to philosophers, which, at times, suddenlydrinks up, and at other times as suddenlyvomits out, one fifteenth part of the atmosphere: and hope that this or some future age will learn how to govern and domesticate a monster which might be rendered of such important service to mankind”!!!Botanic Garden. Note XXXIII.[35]Or stem a hurricane with ease.“Many schemes” (it is said in Rees’s Cyclopædia, article Aerostation) “have been proposed for directing the horizontal motion of balloons. Some have thought of annexing sails to a balloon, in order to give it the advantage of the wind; but to this proposal it has been objected, that as the aerostatic machines are at rest with respect to the air that surrounds them, they feel no wind, and consequently can derive no benefit from the sails.” None but a conjurer, however, could have made that discovery. But Dr Rees says further, that “An ingenious writer observes, that the case of vessels at sea is quite different from that of balloons; because that the former move with a velocity incomparably less than that of the wind impelling them, on account of the resistance of the water,” &c. This ingenious writer must have had a new edition of Friar Bacon’s head on his shoulders.Our mode of steering a balloon is an improvement on the invention of Professor Danzel, which is thus described by Dr Rees. “Professor Danzel has constructed two cylinders, or axles, to the ends of which are fixed, in the form of a cross, four sails or oars, moveable at the point of their insertion in the cylinder, in such a manner, that when made to move round by means of a handle, the eight oars, like the cogs of a water mill wheel, present, successively, sometimes their flat side and sometimes their edge,” &c.It is very possible that you may have heard of some of our American mechanical geniuses, who havesometimes come very nighto the art of navigating boats against the stream by the force of the current. But our invention is very materially different from that. We manage much like a crab or lobster that paddles himself forward under water, and proceeds as well as if he actually carried sail.[36]And its contagion is outrageous.Some people, who appear to be fond of an opportunity of spoiling a beautiful theory, have produced against contagion the following arguments, and thereby very much perplexed a simple subject which ought to have been decided solely by theipse dixitof some famous personage of the faculty.1. The disorder is propagated more rapidly than could be possible on the theory of contagion; as it spreads over a large city quicker than the small pox would pervade a single alley.2. It assimilates to itself all other diseases, and forces them to wear its livery; which never is the case in contagious disorders.3. It is destroyed by frost; but frost increases the activity of contagion.4. It is an endemic, and must have its own local atmosphere, beyond whose limits it cannot be communicated. Thus the attendants of the sick incountryhospitals are never known to be infected.These, and fifty other arguments of a similar nature, I overturn by the weight of the authority of Dr Mead and other great men, which I have found to be a concise and inclusive way of stopping the mouths of my opponents.[37]By laws of chemical affinity;Many an elaborate argument, founded on the above philosophical proposition has been bandied about in periodical prints and journals, during sundry desperate disputes relative to the origin of the American plague. Madrid and Edinburgh, it is affirmed, are rendered healthy by a want of cleanliness, which is proverbial. This sound reasoning is made the basis of our judicious prescriptions which adorn this and several consecutive stanzas.[38]Paulo majora nunc canamus.Now sweep Apollo’s sounding lyre,And pitch the psalm an octave higher.[39]We’ll turn out full moons by the hundred.I do not think that one in forty of your worships has ever read the “Theory of the Earth,” as first produced by James Hutton, M. D., F. R. S., &c. &c. and thereafter much improved by professor Playfair. As it would, however, be highly commendable for gentlemen of your honorable profession not to rest with a superficial view of the great operations of nature, I will accompany you as far as the centre of gravity, in a journey of observation, for investigating the astonishing magazines of burning materials which Dr Hutton and professor Playfair have furnished us for the execution of our stupendous project.1. You will obligingly take it for granted, or run the risk of spoiling the Huttonian Theory, that the centre of the globe is a stupendous furnace, a million times hotter than that of Nebuchadnezzar. That this same heat, although it never amounts to a blaze, and wastes no fuel, is sufficiently elastic to raise the continents from the bottom of the main.—That having once raised or blown them up, as it were, like a bladder, it is very careful not to let them down again, because as we shall see by and by, they must all be “disintegrated,” alias washed into the ocean.2. Moreover, Dr Hutton’s followers will thank you to suppose that all this matter, raised as aforesaid, consisted originally ofunstratifiedrocks, which, though they are properly called primitive as the most ancient of the whole family of rocks, yet they are in fact nothing better than the scrapings or “disintegrations” of primal continents which existed before the commencement of the last edition of the earth.3. You will please to believe that all calcareous matters are formed from thedetritusof the primitive rocks, delivered by rivers into the sea, and there, after having been modified by central heat, protruded above water as before mentioned.4. You will likewise be convinced that no metal, mineral, orlapidosesubstance, can possibly be formed except at the bottom of the ocean, in the laboratory of Dr Hutton.[C]5. That although some foolish people have supposed that the sea has been subsiding for centuries, yet, as we know that the continents are crumbling into the ocean, you will conclude that we shall at length find all ourdryland underwater, and the sea increased in proportion to the square feet of earth deposited under its surface.6. That it is evident that this central heat, having raised its continents, and put proper supporters under them, will go to work in due time, and raise new continents from the bottom of the ocean. Thus the area of Dr Hutton’s centre will be enlarged, till the earth and moon will come in contact, if our plan hereafter mentioned should not check such progression. But we forbear, lest when it is ascertained that “the present continents are all going to decay and their materials descending into the ocean,” it may cause some disagreeable sensations among our friends, who are speculators in American lands, whose property, it seems, according to Dr Hutton’s theory, is about to take French leave of its worthy proprietors.When you have thoroughlysaturatedyour faculties with this theory, we will oblige you with a freshsolutionfrom Dr Darwin, compounded as follows:“The variation of the compass can only be accounted for by supposing the central parts of the earth to consist of a fluid mass, and that part of this fluid is iron, which requiring a greater degree of heat to bring it into fusion than glass or other metals, remains a solid ore. The vis inertiæ of this fluid mass with the iron in it occasions it to perform fewer revolutions than the crust of solid earth over it; and thus it is gradually left behind, and the place where the floating iron resides, is pointed to by the direct or retrograde motion of the magnetic needle.”

[1]I once stood high on Fortune’s ladder.Although DameFortunawas, by ancient mythologists, represented as a whimsical being, cutting her capers on the periphery of a large wheel, I am justified in accommodating her goddesship with a ladder, by virtue of a figure in rhetoric calledPoetica Licentia(anglice) poets’ licentiousness.

[1]

I once stood high on Fortune’s ladder.

Although DameFortunawas, by ancient mythologists, represented as a whimsical being, cutting her capers on the periphery of a large wheel, I am justified in accommodating her goddesship with a ladder, by virtue of a figure in rhetoric calledPoetica Licentia(anglice) poets’ licentiousness.

[2]Mytintinabulumof rhyming.“The clock-work tintinabulum of rhyme.”—Cowper.

[2]

Mytintinabulumof rhyming.

“The clock-work tintinabulum of rhyme.”—Cowper.

[3]I’ll drink Pierian puddle dry.Pursuant to Mr Pope’s advice;“Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring.”

[3]

I’ll drink Pierian puddle dry.

Pursuant to Mr Pope’s advice;“Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring.”

[4]Sent me a bag full of his gas.This wondrous soul-transporting modification of matter is christened by chymistsgaseous oxyd of nitrogen, and, as will be evident, from the following sublime stanzas, and my judicious comments thereon (in which I hold themicroscopeof criticism to those my peculiar beauties which are not visible to thenaked eyeof common sense) is a subject worthy the serious attention of the poet and physiologist.Any “half-formed witling,” as Pope says (Essay on Criticism) “may hammer crude conceptions into a sort of measured nonsense, vulgarly called prose bewitched.” But the daring mortal, who aspires to “build with lofty rhyme” anÆvi Monumentum, before he sets about the mighty enterprise, must be filled with a sort of incomprehensiblequiddamof divine inflation. Then, if he can keep clear of Bedlam, and be allowed the use of pen, ink, and paper, every line he scribbles, and every phrase he utters, will be a miracle of sublimity. Thus one Miss Sibyl remained stupid as a barber’s block, till overpowered by the overbearing influence of Phœbus. But when——————ea fræna furentiConcutit, et stimulos sub pectore vertit Apollo,the frantic gipsy muttered responses at once sublime, prophetic, and unintelligible.Indeed, thisfuror mentis, so necessary an ingredient in the composition of the genuine poet, sometimes terminates in real madness, as was unfortunately the case with Collins and Smart: Swift, Johnson, and Cowper, were not without dismal apprehensions of a similar fate. The wight, therefore, who wishes to secure to himself a sublunary immortality by dint of poetizing, and happens not to bepoeta nascitur, must, like Doctor Caustic, in the present instance, seek a sort of cow-pock-like substitute for that legitimaterabies, which characterizes the true sons of Apollo.

[4]

Sent me a bag full of his gas.

This wondrous soul-transporting modification of matter is christened by chymistsgaseous oxyd of nitrogen, and, as will be evident, from the following sublime stanzas, and my judicious comments thereon (in which I hold themicroscopeof criticism to those my peculiar beauties which are not visible to thenaked eyeof common sense) is a subject worthy the serious attention of the poet and physiologist.

Any “half-formed witling,” as Pope says (Essay on Criticism) “may hammer crude conceptions into a sort of measured nonsense, vulgarly called prose bewitched.” But the daring mortal, who aspires to “build with lofty rhyme” anÆvi Monumentum, before he sets about the mighty enterprise, must be filled with a sort of incomprehensiblequiddamof divine inflation. Then, if he can keep clear of Bedlam, and be allowed the use of pen, ink, and paper, every line he scribbles, and every phrase he utters, will be a miracle of sublimity. Thus one Miss Sibyl remained stupid as a barber’s block, till overpowered by the overbearing influence of Phœbus. But when

——————ea fræna furentiConcutit, et stimulos sub pectore vertit Apollo,

——————ea fræna furentiConcutit, et stimulos sub pectore vertit Apollo,

——————ea fræna furentiConcutit, et stimulos sub pectore vertit Apollo,

——————ea fræna furenti

Concutit, et stimulos sub pectore vertit Apollo,

the frantic gipsy muttered responses at once sublime, prophetic, and unintelligible.

Indeed, thisfuror mentis, so necessary an ingredient in the composition of the genuine poet, sometimes terminates in real madness, as was unfortunately the case with Collins and Smart: Swift, Johnson, and Cowper, were not without dismal apprehensions of a similar fate. The wight, therefore, who wishes to secure to himself a sublunary immortality by dint of poetizing, and happens not to bepoeta nascitur, must, like Doctor Caustic, in the present instance, seek a sort of cow-pock-like substitute for that legitimaterabies, which characterizes the true sons of Apollo.

[5]Was hous’d in heaven’s high upper story.Brother Southey then made the important discovery that “the atmosphere of the highest of all possible heavens was composed of this gas.”Beddoe’s Notice.

[5]

Was hous’d in heaven’s high upper story.

Brother Southey then made the important discovery that “the atmosphere of the highest of all possible heavens was composed of this gas.”

Beddoe’s Notice.

[6]Have said that, in his Epic Poem.The same poem to which the gentleman alludes in his huge quarto edition ofJoan of Arc, in the words following—“Liberal criticism I shall attend to, and I hope to profit by, in the execution of myMadoc, an epic poem on the discovery of America, by that prince, on which I am now engaged.”Asliberalcriticism appears to be a great desideratum with this sublime poet, I trust he will gratefully acknowledge the specimens of my liberality towards a worthy brother, which I propose hereafter to exhibit.

[6]

Have said that, in his Epic Poem.

The same poem to which the gentleman alludes in his huge quarto edition ofJoan of Arc, in the words following—“Liberal criticism I shall attend to, and I hope to profit by, in the execution of myMadoc, an epic poem on the discovery of America, by that prince, on which I am now engaged.”

Asliberalcriticism appears to be a great desideratum with this sublime poet, I trust he will gratefully acknowledge the specimens of my liberality towards a worthy brother, which I propose hereafter to exhibit.

[7]The beldam’s crack’d or Caustic crazy.Or, it is possible, may it please your worships, that I—I for the matter of that am a little te—te—tipsy, or so.—But as there may perhaps be, as it were, now and then, one of your Right Worshipful Fraternity, who has been in a similar predicament se—se ipse, I hope I shall receive your worships’ permission to stagger on with a jug full of gas in my noddle, at least, through a stanza or two.

[7]

The beldam’s crack’d or Caustic crazy.

Or, it is possible, may it please your worships, that I—I for the matter of that am a little te—te—tipsy, or so.—But as there may perhaps be, as it were, now and then, one of your Right Worshipful Fraternity, who has been in a similar predicament se—se ipse, I hope I shall receive your worships’ permission to stagger on with a jug full of gas in my noddle, at least, through a stanza or two.

[8]I’m fall’n! fall’n! fall’n! down, flat! flat! flat!See Dryden’s Feast of Alexander, where one king Darius has a terrible tumble down, beautifully described by half a dozen “fallens.” But I think the Persian monarch did not after all, fall quite soflatas Doctor Caustic.

[8]

I’m fall’n! fall’n! fall’n! down, flat! flat! flat!

See Dryden’s Feast of Alexander, where one king Darius has a terrible tumble down, beautifully described by half a dozen “fallens.” But I think the Persian monarch did not after all, fall quite soflatas Doctor Caustic.

[9]And women to hysteric fits.See the lamentable case of the Lady, page 16th of Dr Beddoes’s pamphlet, who, taking a drop too much of this panacea, fell into hysterical fits, &c.

[9]

And women to hysteric fits.

See the lamentable case of the Lady, page 16th of Dr Beddoes’s pamphlet, who, taking a drop too much of this panacea, fell into hysterical fits, &c.

[10]Besides ashoalof learned Dutchmen.Boerhaave, Steno, De Graff, Swammerdam, Zimmerman,cum multis aliis. By the by, gentlemen, this epithetshoalis not always to be taken in ashallowsense; but when applied to suchdeepfellows, must be considered as noun of multitude, as we say ashoalof herrings.

[10]

Besides ashoalof learned Dutchmen.

Boerhaave, Steno, De Graff, Swammerdam, Zimmerman,cum multis aliis. By the by, gentlemen, this epithetshoalis not always to be taken in ashallowsense; but when applied to suchdeepfellows, must be considered as noun of multitude, as we say ashoalof herrings.

[11]——discern, prescribe, apply,And cure——My learned friend, Dr Timothy Triangle perusing the manuscript of this my pithy petition, discovered that my description of themodus operandion the insect as above, compared with the celebrated “veni, vidi, vici,” as a specimen of fine writing, is superior in the direct proportion offourtothree; consequently Dr Caustic has advanced one step higher in the climax of sublimity than Julius Cesar.

[11]

——discern, prescribe, apply,And cure——

——discern, prescribe, apply,And cure——

——discern, prescribe, apply,And cure——

——discern, prescribe, apply,

And cure——

My learned friend, Dr Timothy Triangle perusing the manuscript of this my pithy petition, discovered that my description of themodus operandion the insect as above, compared with the celebrated “veni, vidi, vici,” as a specimen of fine writing, is superior in the direct proportion offourtothree; consequently Dr Caustic has advanced one step higher in the climax of sublimity than Julius Cesar.

[12]Could matchOURSELFat second sight.That your worships may be able to form something like an idea of the wonderful ken of our mental optics, it will be necessary to con with diligence the opinions of Dr Johnson on this subject, as expressed in his tour to the Hebrides. The Doctor there tells us, that though he “never could advance his curiosity to conviction, yet he came away at last,willingto believe.” But we would have all those who anticipate the deriving any advantage from our slight at second seeing, not only willing, but absolutelypredeterminedto “believe,” positive evidence to the contrary notwithstanding.

[12]

Could matchOURSELFat second sight.

That your worships may be able to form something like an idea of the wonderful ken of our mental optics, it will be necessary to con with diligence the opinions of Dr Johnson on this subject, as expressed in his tour to the Hebrides. The Doctor there tells us, that though he “never could advance his curiosity to conviction, yet he came away at last,willingto believe.” But we would have all those who anticipate the deriving any advantage from our slight at second seeing, not only willing, but absolutelypredeterminedto “believe,” positive evidence to the contrary notwithstanding.

[13]Foreseeing things which never will be.Yes, gentlemen; among other great and wonderful events which we foretold, but which never have happened, and moreover never will happen, was the restoration of the Jews by the intervention of that renowned pacificator, Buonaparte. We first prophecied, and many men of our cast who had a knack at prying into futurity, echoed our prediction, that thepiousemperor of the Gauls would make Jerusalem the head quarters of the Millennium, and under our auspices many a wandering Jew was recruited, and stood in readiness to march at a moment’s warning to take possession of his patrimonial property.

[13]

Foreseeing things which never will be.

Yes, gentlemen; among other great and wonderful events which we foretold, but which never have happened, and moreover never will happen, was the restoration of the Jews by the intervention of that renowned pacificator, Buonaparte. We first prophecied, and many men of our cast who had a knack at prying into futurity, echoed our prediction, that thepiousemperor of the Gauls would make Jerusalem the head quarters of the Millennium, and under our auspices many a wandering Jew was recruited, and stood in readiness to march at a moment’s warning to take possession of his patrimonial property.

[14]In our good friend, SirJoseph’sname.This was immensely proper, as I propose colonizing these hithertoTerræ Incognitæ, and know of no person in existence, exceptmyself(who am now decrepit with age, and, alas, sadly poverty stricken) whose scientific qualifications, knowledge of the coast, and well known ardent zeal in the science of Tadpolism, so well entitle him to command such important expedition.

[14]

In our good friend, SirJoseph’sname.

This was immensely proper, as I propose colonizing these hithertoTerræ Incognitæ, and know of no person in existence, exceptmyself(who am now decrepit with age, and, alas, sadly poverty stricken) whose scientific qualifications, knowledge of the coast, and well known ardent zeal in the science of Tadpolism, so well entitle him to command such important expedition.

[15]With leg or wing, he kick or jerk it.Could we command the years of a Nestor, “the indelible ink” of a Lettersom, and the diligence of a Dutch commentator, we should still readily acknowledge that our powers were totally inadequate to the task of eulogising, in proportion to their merits, the philosophical and literary performances of that profound sage, Dr James Anderson, LL. D., F. R. S.,Scotland, &c. &c. whose mysterious hints afford a clue by which we have been enabled to add lustre to the present age, by many of our own sublime discoveries and inventions.In hisdeepwork called “Recreations in Agriculture and Natural History,” the Doctor says, among other things not less marvelous, “The mathematician can demonstrate with the most decisive certainty, that noflycan alight on this globe which we inhabit, without communicatingmotionto it; and he can ascertain, with the most accurate precision,if so he choose to do” (by the by, thissine qua nonpart of the sentence is very beautiful, and not at all redundant) “what must be the exact amount of the motion thus produced.”Vol.ii.p.350.

[15]

With leg or wing, he kick or jerk it.

Could we command the years of a Nestor, “the indelible ink” of a Lettersom, and the diligence of a Dutch commentator, we should still readily acknowledge that our powers were totally inadequate to the task of eulogising, in proportion to their merits, the philosophical and literary performances of that profound sage, Dr James Anderson, LL. D., F. R. S.,Scotland, &c. &c. whose mysterious hints afford a clue by which we have been enabled to add lustre to the present age, by many of our own sublime discoveries and inventions.

In hisdeepwork called “Recreations in Agriculture and Natural History,” the Doctor says, among other things not less marvelous, “The mathematician can demonstrate with the most decisive certainty, that noflycan alight on this globe which we inhabit, without communicatingmotionto it; and he can ascertain, with the most accurate precision,if so he choose to do” (by the by, thissine qua nonpart of the sentence is very beautiful, and not at all redundant) “what must be the exact amount of the motion thus produced.”Vol.ii.p.350.

[16]Is doctoring off one generation.“Perhaps no important revolution was ever bloodless. It may be useful in this place to recollect in what the mischief of shedding blood consists. The abuses, which at present exist in all political societies are so enormous, the oppressions which are exercised are so intolerable, the ignorance and vice which they entail so dreadful, that possibly a dispassionate inquirer might decide that, if their annihilation could be purchased by an instant sweeping off of every human being now arrived at maturity, from the face of the earth, the purchase would not be too dear,” &c. &c.—Godwin’s Political Justice.

[16]

Is doctoring off one generation.

“Perhaps no important revolution was ever bloodless. It may be useful in this place to recollect in what the mischief of shedding blood consists. The abuses, which at present exist in all political societies are so enormous, the oppressions which are exercised are so intolerable, the ignorance and vice which they entail so dreadful, that possibly a dispassionate inquirer might decide that, if their annihilation could be purchased by an instant sweeping off of every human being now arrived at maturity, from the face of the earth, the purchase would not be too dear,” &c. &c.—Godwin’s Political Justice.

[17]Those LL. D.s’ of Lynch’s Law.Lynch Law, is, we believe, synonymous withmob law, sometimes calledclub law. By this law summaryinjusticeis executed by an ignorant and furious multitude, who burn and destroy, plunder and murder, without measure and without mercy, the property and persons of anybody and everybody who happen to be obnoxious, or are pointed out as objects entitled to the particular attention of their mobocratic mightinesses. Sometimes the poor individuals who are so unlucky as to fall into the clutches of these horrible human harpies, are subjected to mock trials, in which the accusers enact the parts of law makers, judges and executioners. A man by the name of Lynch, who lives, or has lived, somewhere in the West, was active in this mode of taking cognizance of offences, whence the whole process is calledLynch law. But thereby hangs a tale, which we either do not recollect, or have never heard; and in either case, we shall not, at present, trouble your worships with its recital.

[17]

Those LL. D.s’ of Lynch’s Law.

Lynch Law, is, we believe, synonymous withmob law, sometimes calledclub law. By this law summaryinjusticeis executed by an ignorant and furious multitude, who burn and destroy, plunder and murder, without measure and without mercy, the property and persons of anybody and everybody who happen to be obnoxious, or are pointed out as objects entitled to the particular attention of their mobocratic mightinesses. Sometimes the poor individuals who are so unlucky as to fall into the clutches of these horrible human harpies, are subjected to mock trials, in which the accusers enact the parts of law makers, judges and executioners. A man by the name of Lynch, who lives, or has lived, somewhere in the West, was active in this mode of taking cognizance of offences, whence the whole process is calledLynch law. But thereby hangs a tale, which we either do not recollect, or have never heard; and in either case, we shall not, at present, trouble your worships with its recital.

[18]Call’d craniology of snipes.It would require an immensity of books, and an eternity of time to describe or even allude to the physiological, craniological, physiognomical, phrenological, &c. &c. &c. theories of Dr Gall, and a multitude of his followers. We shall, therefore, attempt no such thing, but content ourself with the simple assertion, which we will maintainpugnis et calcibus, that, as to the craniology of reptiles and insects we are out of sight above the utmost stretch of whatsoever these superb philosophers could possibly comprehend.

[18]

Call’d craniology of snipes.

It would require an immensity of books, and an eternity of time to describe or even allude to the physiological, craniological, physiognomical, phrenological, &c. &c. &c. theories of Dr Gall, and a multitude of his followers. We shall, therefore, attempt no such thing, but content ourself with the simple assertion, which we will maintainpugnis et calcibus, that, as to the craniology of reptiles and insects we are out of sight above the utmost stretch of whatsoever these superb philosophers could possibly comprehend.

[19]Vanish before our beauty washes.Mr Mackenzie, author offive thousand receipts, &c., deserves to be trounced and anathematized for the following vulgar sentence:“To set off the complexion with all the advantage it can attain, nothing more is necessary than to wash the face with pure water, or if anything farther be occasionally wanted, it is only the addition of a little soap.”

[19]

Vanish before our beauty washes.

Mr Mackenzie, author offive thousand receipts, &c., deserves to be trounced and anathematized for the following vulgar sentence:

“To set off the complexion with all the advantage it can attain, nothing more is necessary than to wash the face with pure water, or if anything farther be occasionally wanted, it is only the addition of a little soap.”

[20]We transform dowdies into goddesses.We here quote a passage from a popular writer merely to indicate our utter disapprobation of the author and of his sentiments:“The solicitude of parents, especially of mothers to make their daughters fine ladies is truly ridiculous. How often soever the poor child has occasion to look at anything below the parallel of the horizon, and a little relax the muscles of the neck, it can hardly ever escape the notice of her mamma or her governess, and she is bid with more than common poignancy of expression, to hold up her head, perhaps more than a thousand times in a day. If one of her shoulders should be thought to rise but an hair’s breadth higher than the other, she is immediately bound and braced, twisted and screwed, in a most unmerciful manner, and tortured almost to death, in order to correct the supposed irregularity. And lest the dear creature, in the natural play and free use of her limbs, should contract any ungenteel habits, the dancing master must be called in at least three times a week to put every part of the body into its due place and attitude, and teach her to sit, stand and walk according to the exact rules of his art, which, to be sure, must infinitely exceed all the simplicity of untutored nature. Should the least pimple appear on any part of the face, or what is still more alarming, should the milk-maid’s flush begin to betray itself in the color of the cheeks, all possible means must be used, physic and diet must do their part, nay, health itself must be endangered or destroyed to suppress the vulgar complexion.“Health and beauty have been frequently destroyed by a solicitous care to preserve them, deformity induced, and a thousand ill habits contracted by the very means that were intended to prevent them.”—Ash’s Sentiments on Education.

[20]

We transform dowdies into goddesses.

We here quote a passage from a popular writer merely to indicate our utter disapprobation of the author and of his sentiments:

“The solicitude of parents, especially of mothers to make their daughters fine ladies is truly ridiculous. How often soever the poor child has occasion to look at anything below the parallel of the horizon, and a little relax the muscles of the neck, it can hardly ever escape the notice of her mamma or her governess, and she is bid with more than common poignancy of expression, to hold up her head, perhaps more than a thousand times in a day. If one of her shoulders should be thought to rise but an hair’s breadth higher than the other, she is immediately bound and braced, twisted and screwed, in a most unmerciful manner, and tortured almost to death, in order to correct the supposed irregularity. And lest the dear creature, in the natural play and free use of her limbs, should contract any ungenteel habits, the dancing master must be called in at least three times a week to put every part of the body into its due place and attitude, and teach her to sit, stand and walk according to the exact rules of his art, which, to be sure, must infinitely exceed all the simplicity of untutored nature. Should the least pimple appear on any part of the face, or what is still more alarming, should the milk-maid’s flush begin to betray itself in the color of the cheeks, all possible means must be used, physic and diet must do their part, nay, health itself must be endangered or destroyed to suppress the vulgar complexion.

“Health and beauty have been frequently destroyed by a solicitous care to preserve them, deformity induced, and a thousand ill habits contracted by the very means that were intended to prevent them.”—Ash’s Sentiments on Education.

[21]See additional note No. 1, at the end of the volume.

[21]

See additional note No. 1, at the end of the volume.

[22]They might as well have none at all.The process by which this fabrication is effected is copied from Nature; and her manipulations in similar performances have been thus described in some of our heretofore publications:Certain sages learn’d and twistical,By reasoning not a whit sophistical,Have proved what’s wonderful, to wit,The smallest atom may be split,Then split again,ad infinitum;And diagrams, which much delight ’em,By Mr Martin make this outBeyond the shadow of a doubt.Matterthussplittable, I wean,With half an eye it may be seen,Thatspirit, being much diviner,May be proportionably finer;Nor is this merelypostulatum,’Tis proved by facts, and thus I state them.Dame Nature erst, in mood of merriment,Perform’d the following odd experiment;She took a most diminish’d sprite,Smaller than microscopic mite,An hundred thousand such might lieWedged in a cambric needle’s eye,And first, by dint of her divinity,Divided that one whole infinity,Then cull’d the very smallest particle,And shaped therefrom that worthless article,That tiny evanescent dole,Which serves for Dicky Dapper’s soul.

[22]

They might as well have none at all.

The process by which this fabrication is effected is copied from Nature; and her manipulations in similar performances have been thus described in some of our heretofore publications:

Certain sages learn’d and twistical,By reasoning not a whit sophistical,Have proved what’s wonderful, to wit,The smallest atom may be split,Then split again,ad infinitum;And diagrams, which much delight ’em,By Mr Martin make this outBeyond the shadow of a doubt.Matterthussplittable, I wean,With half an eye it may be seen,Thatspirit, being much diviner,May be proportionably finer;Nor is this merelypostulatum,’Tis proved by facts, and thus I state them.Dame Nature erst, in mood of merriment,Perform’d the following odd experiment;She took a most diminish’d sprite,Smaller than microscopic mite,An hundred thousand such might lieWedged in a cambric needle’s eye,And first, by dint of her divinity,Divided that one whole infinity,Then cull’d the very smallest particle,And shaped therefrom that worthless article,That tiny evanescent dole,Which serves for Dicky Dapper’s soul.

Certain sages learn’d and twistical,By reasoning not a whit sophistical,Have proved what’s wonderful, to wit,The smallest atom may be split,Then split again,ad infinitum;And diagrams, which much delight ’em,By Mr Martin make this outBeyond the shadow of a doubt.Matterthussplittable, I wean,With half an eye it may be seen,Thatspirit, being much diviner,May be proportionably finer;Nor is this merelypostulatum,’Tis proved by facts, and thus I state them.Dame Nature erst, in mood of merriment,Perform’d the following odd experiment;She took a most diminish’d sprite,Smaller than microscopic mite,An hundred thousand such might lieWedged in a cambric needle’s eye,And first, by dint of her divinity,Divided that one whole infinity,Then cull’d the very smallest particle,And shaped therefrom that worthless article,That tiny evanescent dole,Which serves for Dicky Dapper’s soul.

Certain sages learn’d and twistical,By reasoning not a whit sophistical,Have proved what’s wonderful, to wit,The smallest atom may be split,Then split again,ad infinitum;And diagrams, which much delight ’em,By Mr Martin make this outBeyond the shadow of a doubt.Matterthussplittable, I wean,With half an eye it may be seen,Thatspirit, being much diviner,May be proportionably finer;Nor is this merelypostulatum,’Tis proved by facts, and thus I state them.

Certain sages learn’d and twistical,

By reasoning not a whit sophistical,

Have proved what’s wonderful, to wit,

The smallest atom may be split,

Then split again,ad infinitum;

And diagrams, which much delight ’em,

By Mr Martin make this out

Beyond the shadow of a doubt.

Matterthussplittable, I wean,

With half an eye it may be seen,

Thatspirit, being much diviner,

May be proportionably finer;

Nor is this merelypostulatum,

’Tis proved by facts, and thus I state them.

Dame Nature erst, in mood of merriment,Perform’d the following odd experiment;She took a most diminish’d sprite,Smaller than microscopic mite,An hundred thousand such might lieWedged in a cambric needle’s eye,And first, by dint of her divinity,Divided that one whole infinity,Then cull’d the very smallest particle,And shaped therefrom that worthless article,That tiny evanescent dole,Which serves for Dicky Dapper’s soul.

Dame Nature erst, in mood of merriment,

Perform’d the following odd experiment;

She took a most diminish’d sprite,

Smaller than microscopic mite,

An hundred thousand such might lie

Wedged in a cambric needle’s eye,

And first, by dint of her divinity,

Divided that one whole infinity,

Then cull’d the very smallest particle,

And shaped therefrom that worthless article,

That tiny evanescent dole,

Which serves for Dicky Dapper’s soul.

[23]Horace says,dulce est desipere.The stanza with which this line commences, is a liberal, but so far as respects meaning, a faithful translation of the famous maxim,Dulce est desipere in loco.—HoraceL. iv. C. 12.

[23]

Horace says,dulce est desipere.

The stanza with which this line commences, is a liberal, but so far as respects meaning, a faithful translation of the famous maxim,Dulce est desipere in loco.—HoraceL. iv. C. 12.

[24]Is made of any kind of wood.The hint for this improvement was derived from an article in theAmerican Farmer, from which the following is extracted:“A few weeks since, two of the members of the United Society of Shakers, at Lebanon, N. Y., were at our office. They informed us that they had tried an experiment in feeding hogs withsaw dust, produced in their button and other wooden ware factory, by mixing with the usual food, in the proportion of one third; that is, two parts of the usual food and one part of saw dust; and that the hogs thrive full as well as when fed in the usual way. From their experiments they are satisfied that the saw-dust was digested by the animals, was nutritious, and answered in all respects the purposes of the usual food.”

[24]

Is made of any kind of wood.

The hint for this improvement was derived from an article in theAmerican Farmer, from which the following is extracted:

“A few weeks since, two of the members of the United Society of Shakers, at Lebanon, N. Y., were at our office. They informed us that they had tried an experiment in feeding hogs withsaw dust, produced in their button and other wooden ware factory, by mixing with the usual food, in the proportion of one third; that is, two parts of the usual food and one part of saw dust; and that the hogs thrive full as well as when fed in the usual way. From their experiments they are satisfied that the saw-dust was digested by the animals, was nutritious, and answered in all respects the purposes of the usual food.”

[25]Illumed as one would light a candle.In my younger days, I lived on terms of intimacy with Doctor Franklin, highly honorable to both parties, as it showed we were both men of discernment in choosing each a great man for his friend.In a letter from that venerable sage, afterwards printed (See Franklin’s Works,p.115,vol.ii.third edition) he toldmethat toads buried in sand, shut up in hollow trees, &c. would live forever, as it were; and, among other things, informed me of certain curious facts about flies, which I will relate in his own words. “I have seen an instance of common flies preserved in a manner somewhat similar. They had been drowned in Madeira wine, apparently about the time when it was bottled in Virginia, to be sent to London. At the opening of one of the bottles, at the house of a friend where I was, three drowned flies fell into the first glass which was filled. Having heard it remarked that drowned flies were capable of being revived by the rays of the sun, I proposed making the experiment upon these. They were therefore exposed to the sun upon a sieve, which had been employed to strain them out of the wine. In less than three hours two of them began by degrees to recover life. They commenced by some convulsive motions of the thighs, and at length they raised themselves upon their legs, wiped their eyes with their fore feet, beat and brushed their wings with their hind feet, and soon after began to fly, finding themselves in Old England, without knowing how they came thither. The third continued lifeless until sun-set, when, losing all hopes of him, he was thrown away.“I wish it were possible, from this instance, to invent a method of embalming drowned persons, in such a manner that they might be recalled to life, at any period, however distant; for having a very ardent desire to see and observe the state of America a hundred years hence, I should prefer to an ordinary death, the being immersed in a cask of Madeira wine, with a few friends, until that time, then to be recalled to life by the solar warmth of my dear country. But since, in all probability, we live in an age too early, and too near the infancy of science, to see such an art brought, in our time, to perfection, I must, for the present, content myself with the treat which you are so kind as to promise me, of the resurrection of a fowl or turkey cock.”

[25]

Illumed as one would light a candle.

In my younger days, I lived on terms of intimacy with Doctor Franklin, highly honorable to both parties, as it showed we were both men of discernment in choosing each a great man for his friend.

In a letter from that venerable sage, afterwards printed (See Franklin’s Works,p.115,vol.ii.third edition) he toldmethat toads buried in sand, shut up in hollow trees, &c. would live forever, as it were; and, among other things, informed me of certain curious facts about flies, which I will relate in his own words. “I have seen an instance of common flies preserved in a manner somewhat similar. They had been drowned in Madeira wine, apparently about the time when it was bottled in Virginia, to be sent to London. At the opening of one of the bottles, at the house of a friend where I was, three drowned flies fell into the first glass which was filled. Having heard it remarked that drowned flies were capable of being revived by the rays of the sun, I proposed making the experiment upon these. They were therefore exposed to the sun upon a sieve, which had been employed to strain them out of the wine. In less than three hours two of them began by degrees to recover life. They commenced by some convulsive motions of the thighs, and at length they raised themselves upon their legs, wiped their eyes with their fore feet, beat and brushed their wings with their hind feet, and soon after began to fly, finding themselves in Old England, without knowing how they came thither. The third continued lifeless until sun-set, when, losing all hopes of him, he was thrown away.

“I wish it were possible, from this instance, to invent a method of embalming drowned persons, in such a manner that they might be recalled to life, at any period, however distant; for having a very ardent desire to see and observe the state of America a hundred years hence, I should prefer to an ordinary death, the being immersed in a cask of Madeira wine, with a few friends, until that time, then to be recalled to life by the solar warmth of my dear country. But since, in all probability, we live in an age too early, and too near the infancy of science, to see such an art brought, in our time, to perfection, I must, for the present, content myself with the treat which you are so kind as to promise me, of the resurrection of a fowl or turkey cock.”

[26]To healthier action than before.I do not arrogate to myself the whole merit of this noble invention. Dr Price and Mr Godwin, in divers elaborate works, especially the latter, in hisPolitical Justice, suggested some ideas which set my ingenuity in such a ferment, that I could not rest quietly till I had brewed a sublime treatise on the best mode of pulling down, repairing, and rebuilding decayed and worn out animal machines.I shall not attempt, in this place, to oblige your worships with anything like a table of the contents of this judicious and profound performance. I will, however, gratify your curiosity so far as to glance cursorily at a few of the leading topics therein discussed and illustrated, and slightly mention some of the immense advantages which will be the result of this discovery.In the first place, I make it apparent, by a long series of experiments and scientific deductions, drawn therefrom, that it is very practicable to enlighten the mind of a stupid fellow, by battering, boring, or pulling his body to pieces.—Mr poet Waller’s authority is here to my purpose, who tells us, that“The soul’s dark cottagebatter’dand decay’d,Lets innew lightthrough chinks which time has made.”Mr Gray, likewise, in hisHymn to Adversity, requests that “Daughter of Jove” to imposegentlyher “iron hand,” and trouble him alittlewith her “torturing hour,” although he appears disposed to avoid, if possible, her more dismal accompaniments, such as her “Gorgonic frown,” and the “funereal cry of horror.”The Spaniards, under Cortes and Pizarro, managed much in the same way, and enlightened the natives of the mighty empires of Peru and Mexico in the great truths of Christianity, by killing a part, reducing the remainder to a state of servitude, and battering their souls’ cottages at their leisure. This process is in part expressed in a poetical epistle, which I received not long since from my correspondent settled at Terra del Fuego, in South America, who thus expresses the conduct of some of his acquaintance, in converting the aborigines to Christianity.Good folks to America cameTo curtail old Satan’s dominions;The natives, the more to their shame,Stuck fast to their ancient opinions.Till a method the pious men find,Which ne’er had occur’d to your dull wits.Of making sky-lights to the mind,By boring the body with bullets.Like Waller, with process so droll,To illume an old clod-pated noddy;They thought they might burnish the soul,By beating a hole in the body.I have read of a great mathematician, who was uncommonly stupid till about the age of twenty, when he accidentally pitched head first into a deep Well, fractured his skull, and it became necessary to trepan him. After the operation it was immediately evident that his wit was much improved, and he soon became a prodigy of intellect. Whether this alteration was caused by “new light let in through chinks,” the trapanning chisel had made, or whether the texture and position of the brain were materially changed for the better in consequence of the jar and contusion of the fall, I shall leave to some future Lavater, or any other gentleman, who can gauge the capacity of a statesman, or a barrel of porter, with equal facility, to determine.2d. I proceed to demonstrate, that man being, as our most enlightenedmodernphilosophers allow, jumbled together by merechance(a blind; capricious goddess, who, half her time, does not know what she is about) it is extremely easy to understand the principles of his texture; because the mechanism of his frame is less intricate than that of a common spit jack. Consequently, a Solomon or a Brodum can mend this machine when deranged, as Well as a Harvey, a Sydenham, or a Mead.3d. I proceed to prove, from analogy, with what facility this machine may be disjointed, pulled to pieces, and again botched together. My friend Mahomet had his heart taken out, a drop of black blood expressed therefrom, and went about his common concerns next day as well as ever. So when a sighing swain is taken desperately in love, he may lose all his insides without any Very serious inconvenience. This I can attest fromsad experience, as, about forty years since, I was terribly in for’t, with a sweet little sprig of divinity, whose elbow was ever her most prominent feature, whenever I had the audacity to attempt to approximate the shrine of her Goddesship.4th. The important advantages, which will undoubtedly arise from this invention, are almost too obvious to require explanation. I shall, however, advert to a few.By taking the animal machine to pieces, you may divest it of such particles as clog its wheels, and render its motions less perfect. A decayed, worn-out gallant may haveitsparts separated, thoroughly burnished, botched together, and rendered as bright as a new-coined silver sixpence. Thus my venerable Piccadilly friend, who, as Darwin expresses it, sometimes “clasps a beauty inPlatonicarms;” if he should, fifty years hence, perceive that the mechanism of his frame is rather the worse for wear, may come to Dr Caustic, and be rebuilt into as fine a young buck as any in Christendom.5th. Hereditary diseases may be thus culled from the constitution, and gouty and other deleterious particles separated from those which are sound and healthful.Pride may be picked from the composition of an upstart mushroom of a nobleman, impudence from a quack, knavery from a lawyer, moroseness from a methodist, testiness from an old bachelor, peevishness from an old maid; in short, mankind altered from what they are to what they ought to be, by a method at once cheap, practicable, easy and expeditious.The only difficulty which has ever opposed itself to my carrying this sublime invention to the highest possible pitch of perfection, has been the almost utter impossibility of procuring any man, woman, or child, who is willing to become the subject of operation. Now if either of your worships would loan me his carcase to be picked to pieces, and again botched together in the manner above stated, provided the experiment should not fully succeed, I will engage to payallthe damages thereby accruing to community, out ofone tenthpart of the profits of this publication.

[26]

To healthier action than before.

I do not arrogate to myself the whole merit of this noble invention. Dr Price and Mr Godwin, in divers elaborate works, especially the latter, in hisPolitical Justice, suggested some ideas which set my ingenuity in such a ferment, that I could not rest quietly till I had brewed a sublime treatise on the best mode of pulling down, repairing, and rebuilding decayed and worn out animal machines.

I shall not attempt, in this place, to oblige your worships with anything like a table of the contents of this judicious and profound performance. I will, however, gratify your curiosity so far as to glance cursorily at a few of the leading topics therein discussed and illustrated, and slightly mention some of the immense advantages which will be the result of this discovery.

In the first place, I make it apparent, by a long series of experiments and scientific deductions, drawn therefrom, that it is very practicable to enlighten the mind of a stupid fellow, by battering, boring, or pulling his body to pieces.—Mr poet Waller’s authority is here to my purpose, who tells us, that

“The soul’s dark cottagebatter’dand decay’d,Lets innew lightthrough chinks which time has made.”

“The soul’s dark cottagebatter’dand decay’d,Lets innew lightthrough chinks which time has made.”

“The soul’s dark cottagebatter’dand decay’d,Lets innew lightthrough chinks which time has made.”

“The soul’s dark cottagebatter’dand decay’d,

Lets innew lightthrough chinks which time has made.”

Mr Gray, likewise, in hisHymn to Adversity, requests that “Daughter of Jove” to imposegentlyher “iron hand,” and trouble him alittlewith her “torturing hour,” although he appears disposed to avoid, if possible, her more dismal accompaniments, such as her “Gorgonic frown,” and the “funereal cry of horror.”

The Spaniards, under Cortes and Pizarro, managed much in the same way, and enlightened the natives of the mighty empires of Peru and Mexico in the great truths of Christianity, by killing a part, reducing the remainder to a state of servitude, and battering their souls’ cottages at their leisure. This process is in part expressed in a poetical epistle, which I received not long since from my correspondent settled at Terra del Fuego, in South America, who thus expresses the conduct of some of his acquaintance, in converting the aborigines to Christianity.

Good folks to America cameTo curtail old Satan’s dominions;The natives, the more to their shame,Stuck fast to their ancient opinions.Till a method the pious men find,Which ne’er had occur’d to your dull wits.Of making sky-lights to the mind,By boring the body with bullets.Like Waller, with process so droll,To illume an old clod-pated noddy;They thought they might burnish the soul,By beating a hole in the body.

Good folks to America cameTo curtail old Satan’s dominions;The natives, the more to their shame,Stuck fast to their ancient opinions.Till a method the pious men find,Which ne’er had occur’d to your dull wits.Of making sky-lights to the mind,By boring the body with bullets.Like Waller, with process so droll,To illume an old clod-pated noddy;They thought they might burnish the soul,By beating a hole in the body.

Good folks to America cameTo curtail old Satan’s dominions;The natives, the more to their shame,Stuck fast to their ancient opinions.

Good folks to America came

To curtail old Satan’s dominions;

The natives, the more to their shame,

Stuck fast to their ancient opinions.

Till a method the pious men find,Which ne’er had occur’d to your dull wits.Of making sky-lights to the mind,By boring the body with bullets.

Till a method the pious men find,

Which ne’er had occur’d to your dull wits.

Of making sky-lights to the mind,

By boring the body with bullets.

Like Waller, with process so droll,To illume an old clod-pated noddy;They thought they might burnish the soul,By beating a hole in the body.

Like Waller, with process so droll,

To illume an old clod-pated noddy;

They thought they might burnish the soul,

By beating a hole in the body.

I have read of a great mathematician, who was uncommonly stupid till about the age of twenty, when he accidentally pitched head first into a deep Well, fractured his skull, and it became necessary to trepan him. After the operation it was immediately evident that his wit was much improved, and he soon became a prodigy of intellect. Whether this alteration was caused by “new light let in through chinks,” the trapanning chisel had made, or whether the texture and position of the brain were materially changed for the better in consequence of the jar and contusion of the fall, I shall leave to some future Lavater, or any other gentleman, who can gauge the capacity of a statesman, or a barrel of porter, with equal facility, to determine.

2d. I proceed to demonstrate, that man being, as our most enlightenedmodernphilosophers allow, jumbled together by merechance(a blind; capricious goddess, who, half her time, does not know what she is about) it is extremely easy to understand the principles of his texture; because the mechanism of his frame is less intricate than that of a common spit jack. Consequently, a Solomon or a Brodum can mend this machine when deranged, as Well as a Harvey, a Sydenham, or a Mead.

3d. I proceed to prove, from analogy, with what facility this machine may be disjointed, pulled to pieces, and again botched together. My friend Mahomet had his heart taken out, a drop of black blood expressed therefrom, and went about his common concerns next day as well as ever. So when a sighing swain is taken desperately in love, he may lose all his insides without any Very serious inconvenience. This I can attest fromsad experience, as, about forty years since, I was terribly in for’t, with a sweet little sprig of divinity, whose elbow was ever her most prominent feature, whenever I had the audacity to attempt to approximate the shrine of her Goddesship.

4th. The important advantages, which will undoubtedly arise from this invention, are almost too obvious to require explanation. I shall, however, advert to a few.

By taking the animal machine to pieces, you may divest it of such particles as clog its wheels, and render its motions less perfect. A decayed, worn-out gallant may haveitsparts separated, thoroughly burnished, botched together, and rendered as bright as a new-coined silver sixpence. Thus my venerable Piccadilly friend, who, as Darwin expresses it, sometimes “clasps a beauty inPlatonicarms;” if he should, fifty years hence, perceive that the mechanism of his frame is rather the worse for wear, may come to Dr Caustic, and be rebuilt into as fine a young buck as any in Christendom.

5th. Hereditary diseases may be thus culled from the constitution, and gouty and other deleterious particles separated from those which are sound and healthful.

Pride may be picked from the composition of an upstart mushroom of a nobleman, impudence from a quack, knavery from a lawyer, moroseness from a methodist, testiness from an old bachelor, peevishness from an old maid; in short, mankind altered from what they are to what they ought to be, by a method at once cheap, practicable, easy and expeditious.

The only difficulty which has ever opposed itself to my carrying this sublime invention to the highest possible pitch of perfection, has been the almost utter impossibility of procuring any man, woman, or child, who is willing to become the subject of operation. Now if either of your worships would loan me his carcase to be picked to pieces, and again botched together in the manner above stated, provided the experiment should not fully succeed, I will engage to payallthe damages thereby accruing to community, out ofone tenthpart of the profits of this publication.

[27]The gods ofoldfolks could makeyoungones.——Stricto Medea recluditEnse senis jugulum: veteremque exire cruoremPassa, replet succis. Quos postquam combibit ÆsonAut ore acceptos, aut vulnere barda, comæqueCanitie posita nigrum rapuere colorem.Pulsa fugit macies.This passage, with a condensation of thought and felicity of expression peculiar to myself, I have thus happily hit into English.Medea cut the wither’d weasandOf superannuated Æson,Then fill’d him with the acrid juicesOf nettle-tops and flower-de-luces;Till from the defunct carcase, lo!Starts a full blooded Bond street beau!!

[27]

The gods ofoldfolks could makeyoungones.

——Stricto Medea recluditEnse senis jugulum: veteremque exire cruoremPassa, replet succis. Quos postquam combibit ÆsonAut ore acceptos, aut vulnere barda, comæqueCanitie posita nigrum rapuere colorem.Pulsa fugit macies.

——Stricto Medea recluditEnse senis jugulum: veteremque exire cruoremPassa, replet succis. Quos postquam combibit ÆsonAut ore acceptos, aut vulnere barda, comæqueCanitie posita nigrum rapuere colorem.Pulsa fugit macies.

——Stricto Medea recluditEnse senis jugulum: veteremque exire cruoremPassa, replet succis. Quos postquam combibit ÆsonAut ore acceptos, aut vulnere barda, comæqueCanitie posita nigrum rapuere colorem.Pulsa fugit macies.

——Stricto Medea recludit

Ense senis jugulum: veteremque exire cruorem

Passa, replet succis. Quos postquam combibit Æson

Aut ore acceptos, aut vulnere barda, comæque

Canitie posita nigrum rapuere colorem.

Pulsa fugit macies.

This passage, with a condensation of thought and felicity of expression peculiar to myself, I have thus happily hit into English.

Medea cut the wither’d weasandOf superannuated Æson,Then fill’d him with the acrid juicesOf nettle-tops and flower-de-luces;Till from the defunct carcase, lo!Starts a full blooded Bond street beau!!

Medea cut the wither’d weasandOf superannuated Æson,Then fill’d him with the acrid juicesOf nettle-tops and flower-de-luces;Till from the defunct carcase, lo!Starts a full blooded Bond street beau!!

Medea cut the wither’d weasandOf superannuated Æson,Then fill’d him with the acrid juicesOf nettle-tops and flower-de-luces;Till from the defunct carcase, lo!Starts a full blooded Bond street beau!!

Medea cut the wither’d weasand

Of superannuated Æson,

Then fill’d him with the acrid juices

Of nettle-tops and flower-de-luces;

Till from the defunct carcase, lo!

Starts a full blooded Bond street beau!!

[28]In mimic earthquakes, rain, and thunder!Chymistry furnishes us with a method of manufacturingartificialearthquakes, which will have all the great effects of those that are natural. The old-fashioned receipt for an earthquake, however, of iron filings and sulphur mixed in certain proportions and immersed in the earth, I shall not take the trouble to state to your worships; as most of you have,perhaps, read Mr Martin’s Philosophy nearly half through. But my plan is to make such an earthquake as no mortal, except Dr Darwin and myself, ever supposed possible. The former gentleman made shift to explode the moon from thesouthernhemisphere of our earth, and I propose to forward other moons by artificial earthquakes of my own invention, from thenorthernhemisphere. I will give your worships a specimen of Dr Darwin’s moon-producing earthquake, from “Botanic Garden,” Canto I.“Gnomes! How you shriek’d! when through the troubled air,Roar’d the fierce din of elemental war;When rose the continents, and sunk the main,And earth’s huge sphere exploding burst in twain.—Gnomes! How you gazed! When from her wounded side,Where now theSouthsea heaves its waste of tide,Rose on swift wheels theMoon’srefulgent car,Circling the solar orb, a sister star,Dimpled with vales, with shining hills emboss’d,And roll’d round earth her airless realms of frost.”No man will say in this case,—Parturiunt montes nascetur ridiculus mus.The reaction, at the moment of explosion, of that mass of matter which now composes our moon, is the cause of the obliquity of the polar axis to the poles of the ecliptic, according to Dr Darwin; though Milton says,“—————Angels turn’d askanceThe poles of earth twice ten degrees and more:From the sun’s axle, they with labor push’dOblique the centric globe.”—Whether an explosion similar to that, so beautifully described by Dr Darwin, from thenorthside of the equator, would not set all right, and a new era be announced, which will be, like that of old, when“——————SpringPerpetual smiled on earth, with vernal flowers,Equal in days and nights”——is a problem worth the attention of our modern philosophers. But at any rate, I, Dr Caustic, will positively try the experiment.

[28]

In mimic earthquakes, rain, and thunder!

Chymistry furnishes us with a method of manufacturingartificialearthquakes, which will have all the great effects of those that are natural. The old-fashioned receipt for an earthquake, however, of iron filings and sulphur mixed in certain proportions and immersed in the earth, I shall not take the trouble to state to your worships; as most of you have,perhaps, read Mr Martin’s Philosophy nearly half through. But my plan is to make such an earthquake as no mortal, except Dr Darwin and myself, ever supposed possible. The former gentleman made shift to explode the moon from thesouthernhemisphere of our earth, and I propose to forward other moons by artificial earthquakes of my own invention, from thenorthernhemisphere. I will give your worships a specimen of Dr Darwin’s moon-producing earthquake, from “Botanic Garden,” Canto I.

“Gnomes! How you shriek’d! when through the troubled air,Roar’d the fierce din of elemental war;When rose the continents, and sunk the main,And earth’s huge sphere exploding burst in twain.—Gnomes! How you gazed! When from her wounded side,Where now theSouthsea heaves its waste of tide,Rose on swift wheels theMoon’srefulgent car,Circling the solar orb, a sister star,Dimpled with vales, with shining hills emboss’d,And roll’d round earth her airless realms of frost.”

“Gnomes! How you shriek’d! when through the troubled air,Roar’d the fierce din of elemental war;When rose the continents, and sunk the main,And earth’s huge sphere exploding burst in twain.—Gnomes! How you gazed! When from her wounded side,Where now theSouthsea heaves its waste of tide,Rose on swift wheels theMoon’srefulgent car,Circling the solar orb, a sister star,Dimpled with vales, with shining hills emboss’d,And roll’d round earth her airless realms of frost.”

“Gnomes! How you shriek’d! when through the troubled air,Roar’d the fierce din of elemental war;When rose the continents, and sunk the main,And earth’s huge sphere exploding burst in twain.—Gnomes! How you gazed! When from her wounded side,Where now theSouthsea heaves its waste of tide,Rose on swift wheels theMoon’srefulgent car,Circling the solar orb, a sister star,Dimpled with vales, with shining hills emboss’d,And roll’d round earth her airless realms of frost.”

“Gnomes! How you shriek’d! when through the troubled air,

Roar’d the fierce din of elemental war;

When rose the continents, and sunk the main,

And earth’s huge sphere exploding burst in twain.—

Gnomes! How you gazed! When from her wounded side,

Where now theSouthsea heaves its waste of tide,

Rose on swift wheels theMoon’srefulgent car,

Circling the solar orb, a sister star,

Dimpled with vales, with shining hills emboss’d,

And roll’d round earth her airless realms of frost.”

No man will say in this case,—

Parturiunt montes nascetur ridiculus mus.

Parturiunt montes nascetur ridiculus mus.

Parturiunt montes nascetur ridiculus mus.

Parturiunt montes nascetur ridiculus mus.

The reaction, at the moment of explosion, of that mass of matter which now composes our moon, is the cause of the obliquity of the polar axis to the poles of the ecliptic, according to Dr Darwin; though Milton says,

“—————Angels turn’d askanceThe poles of earth twice ten degrees and more:From the sun’s axle, they with labor push’dOblique the centric globe.”—

“—————Angels turn’d askanceThe poles of earth twice ten degrees and more:From the sun’s axle, they with labor push’dOblique the centric globe.”—

“—————Angels turn’d askanceThe poles of earth twice ten degrees and more:From the sun’s axle, they with labor push’dOblique the centric globe.”—

“—————Angels turn’d askance

The poles of earth twice ten degrees and more:

From the sun’s axle, they with labor push’d

Oblique the centric globe.”—

Whether an explosion similar to that, so beautifully described by Dr Darwin, from thenorthside of the equator, would not set all right, and a new era be announced, which will be, like that of old, when

“——————SpringPerpetual smiled on earth, with vernal flowers,Equal in days and nights”——

“——————SpringPerpetual smiled on earth, with vernal flowers,Equal in days and nights”——

“——————SpringPerpetual smiled on earth, with vernal flowers,Equal in days and nights”——

“——————Spring

Perpetual smiled on earth, with vernal flowers,

Equal in days and nights”——

is a problem worth the attention of our modern philosophers. But at any rate, I, Dr Caustic, will positively try the experiment.

[29]E’en fairly knock the man in the moon down!This notable exploit I think to be a very great improvement on electrical experiments made by a number of renowned French and English philosophers. SeePriestly’s History of Electricity, page 94.

[29]

E’en fairly knock the man in the moon down!

This notable exploit I think to be a very great improvement on electrical experiments made by a number of renowned French and English philosophers. SeePriestly’s History of Electricity, page 94.

[30]We took like macaroni snuff.Dr Darwin alludes to this wonderful performance in the following superb lines:“Led by the sage, lo! Britain’s sons shall guideHugeSEA-BALLOONSbeneath the tossing tide;The diving castles roof’d with spheric glass,Ribb’d with strong oak, and barr’d with bolts of brass,Buoy’d with pure air shall endless tracts pursue,AndPriestley’shand the vital flood renew.”Botanic Garden,Cantoiv.

[30]

We took like macaroni snuff.

Dr Darwin alludes to this wonderful performance in the following superb lines:

“Led by the sage, lo! Britain’s sons shall guideHugeSEA-BALLOONSbeneath the tossing tide;The diving castles roof’d with spheric glass,Ribb’d with strong oak, and barr’d with bolts of brass,Buoy’d with pure air shall endless tracts pursue,AndPriestley’shand the vital flood renew.”Botanic Garden,Cantoiv.

“Led by the sage, lo! Britain’s sons shall guideHugeSEA-BALLOONSbeneath the tossing tide;The diving castles roof’d with spheric glass,Ribb’d with strong oak, and barr’d with bolts of brass,Buoy’d with pure air shall endless tracts pursue,AndPriestley’shand the vital flood renew.”Botanic Garden,Cantoiv.

“Led by the sage, lo! Britain’s sons shall guideHugeSEA-BALLOONSbeneath the tossing tide;The diving castles roof’d with spheric glass,Ribb’d with strong oak, and barr’d with bolts of brass,Buoy’d with pure air shall endless tracts pursue,AndPriestley’shand the vital flood renew.”Botanic Garden,Cantoiv.

“Led by the sage, lo! Britain’s sons shall guide

HugeSEA-BALLOONSbeneath the tossing tide;

The diving castles roof’d with spheric glass,

Ribb’d with strong oak, and barr’d with bolts of brass,

Buoy’d with pure air shall endless tracts pursue,

AndPriestley’shand the vital flood renew.”

Botanic Garden,Cantoiv.

[31]And if Britannia interferes.That Great Britain, not content with domineering on the surface, contemplates the colonizing of the depths of the ocean, is evident from the following lines, by Dr Darwin:“Then shall Britannia rule the wealthy realms,Which ocean’s wide insatiate wave o’erwhelms;Confine in netted bowers his scaly flocks,Part his blue plains, and people all his rocks.Deep in warm waves, beneath the line that roll,Beneath the shadowy ice-isles of the pole,Onward, through bright meandering vales afar,Obedientsharks[A]shall trail her sceptred car,With harness’d necks the pearly flood disturb,Stretch the silk rein, and champ the silver curb.”But be it known by these presents to Britannia’s ladyship, that all that part of the ocean, which lies between the centre of gravity and six feet of the surface, including whatsoever salt water touches or rests upon, belongs to Doctor Caustic, by the rights of discovery and pre-occupation.

[31]

And if Britannia interferes.

That Great Britain, not content with domineering on the surface, contemplates the colonizing of the depths of the ocean, is evident from the following lines, by Dr Darwin:

“Then shall Britannia rule the wealthy realms,Which ocean’s wide insatiate wave o’erwhelms;Confine in netted bowers his scaly flocks,Part his blue plains, and people all his rocks.Deep in warm waves, beneath the line that roll,Beneath the shadowy ice-isles of the pole,Onward, through bright meandering vales afar,Obedientsharks[A]shall trail her sceptred car,With harness’d necks the pearly flood disturb,Stretch the silk rein, and champ the silver curb.”

“Then shall Britannia rule the wealthy realms,Which ocean’s wide insatiate wave o’erwhelms;Confine in netted bowers his scaly flocks,Part his blue plains, and people all his rocks.Deep in warm waves, beneath the line that roll,Beneath the shadowy ice-isles of the pole,Onward, through bright meandering vales afar,Obedientsharks[A]shall trail her sceptred car,With harness’d necks the pearly flood disturb,Stretch the silk rein, and champ the silver curb.”

“Then shall Britannia rule the wealthy realms,Which ocean’s wide insatiate wave o’erwhelms;Confine in netted bowers his scaly flocks,Part his blue plains, and people all his rocks.Deep in warm waves, beneath the line that roll,Beneath the shadowy ice-isles of the pole,Onward, through bright meandering vales afar,Obedientsharks[A]shall trail her sceptred car,With harness’d necks the pearly flood disturb,Stretch the silk rein, and champ the silver curb.”

“Then shall Britannia rule the wealthy realms,

Which ocean’s wide insatiate wave o’erwhelms;

Confine in netted bowers his scaly flocks,

Part his blue plains, and people all his rocks.

Deep in warm waves, beneath the line that roll,

Beneath the shadowy ice-isles of the pole,

Onward, through bright meandering vales afar,

Obedientsharks[A]shall trail her sceptred car,

With harness’d necks the pearly flood disturb,

Stretch the silk rein, and champ the silver curb.”

But be it known by these presents to Britannia’s ladyship, that all that part of the ocean, which lies between the centre of gravity and six feet of the surface, including whatsoever salt water touches or rests upon, belongs to Doctor Caustic, by the rights of discovery and pre-occupation.

[32]And if the theory of Babbage, &c.Charles Babbage, Esq. A. M., Lucasian Professor of Mathematics in the University of Cambridge, [Eng.] and member of several academies, has written and published a workOn the Economy of Machinery and Manufactures, which furnished that impulse to ourOrgan of Constructivenesswhich eventuated in the accomplishment of the solid gas manufactory above alluded to.“In Iceland the sources of heat [to wit, hot springs, volcanoes, &c.] and their proximity seem almost to point out the future destiny of that island. The use of its glaciers may enable its inhabitants to liquefy the gases with the least expenditure of mechanical force; and the heat of its volcanoes may supply the power necessary for their condensation. Thus, in a future age,powermay become the staple commodity of the Icelanders, and of the inhabitants of other volcanic districts; and possibly the very process by which they will procure this article of exchange for the luxuries of happier climates, may, in some measure tame, the tremendous element which occasionally devastates this province.”By our improvement, after the gases are condensed into a liquid, they are made solid by the total abstraction therefrom of every particle of caloric, insomuch that a thermometer, of our invention, with its bulb in a ball of gas, indicated 999 degrees below 0 of Fahrenheit.

[32]

And if the theory of Babbage, &c.

Charles Babbage, Esq. A. M., Lucasian Professor of Mathematics in the University of Cambridge, [Eng.] and member of several academies, has written and published a workOn the Economy of Machinery and Manufactures, which furnished that impulse to ourOrgan of Constructivenesswhich eventuated in the accomplishment of the solid gas manufactory above alluded to.

“In Iceland the sources of heat [to wit, hot springs, volcanoes, &c.] and their proximity seem almost to point out the future destiny of that island. The use of its glaciers may enable its inhabitants to liquefy the gases with the least expenditure of mechanical force; and the heat of its volcanoes may supply the power necessary for their condensation. Thus, in a future age,powermay become the staple commodity of the Icelanders, and of the inhabitants of other volcanic districts; and possibly the very process by which they will procure this article of exchange for the luxuries of happier climates, may, in some measure tame, the tremendous element which occasionally devastates this province.”

By our improvement, after the gases are condensed into a liquid, they are made solid by the total abstraction therefrom of every particle of caloric, insomuch that a thermometer, of our invention, with its bulb in a ball of gas, indicated 999 degrees below 0 of Fahrenheit.

[33]He wanted science to go through it.Monsieur Citizen Volney, a sort of minor doctor Caustic, published a circular letter, requesting the co-operation of men of similar views and intellects with his own, to make observations on the course and velocity of the winds, the times of their occurrence, &c. in different parts of the globe. The results of these observations he wished might be forwarded to him at Paris, that he might therefrom be able to complete a theory, which he had partly formed for calculating the tides and currents of the atmosphere, with as much precision as those of the ocean are now predicted.Dr Franklin’s theories relative to this subject also deserve the meed of metrical immortality. His tropical hurricanes, caused by a whirling precipitance of cold air from the upper to the lower region of the atmosphere are very fine phenomena. Hisnorth east storms, which, on our continent, begin their operations at thesouth west, in consequence of some extra rarefaction of air somewhere on or about the isthmus of Darien, deserve a minute inspection. The ascent of rarefied air at the equator, which makes its way to the poles, and visits us in the form of a frigorific north-wester, as explained by Dr Darwin, requires your worship’s high consideration. But we do not believe it possible by a single impulse to project all this philosophy into your right worshipful’s pericrania. You will, therefore, please wait till we have leisure for the operation.

[33]

He wanted science to go through it.

Monsieur Citizen Volney, a sort of minor doctor Caustic, published a circular letter, requesting the co-operation of men of similar views and intellects with his own, to make observations on the course and velocity of the winds, the times of their occurrence, &c. in different parts of the globe. The results of these observations he wished might be forwarded to him at Paris, that he might therefrom be able to complete a theory, which he had partly formed for calculating the tides and currents of the atmosphere, with as much precision as those of the ocean are now predicted.

Dr Franklin’s theories relative to this subject also deserve the meed of metrical immortality. His tropical hurricanes, caused by a whirling precipitance of cold air from the upper to the lower region of the atmosphere are very fine phenomena. Hisnorth east storms, which, on our continent, begin their operations at thesouth west, in consequence of some extra rarefaction of air somewhere on or about the isthmus of Darien, deserve a minute inspection. The ascent of rarefied air at the equator, which makes its way to the poles, and visits us in the form of a frigorific north-wester, as explained by Dr Darwin, requires your worship’s high consideration. But we do not believe it possible by a single impulse to project all this philosophy into your right worshipful’s pericrania. You will, therefore, please wait till we have leisure for the operation.

[34]And would not let him “vomit air.”This terrible bear is likewise a camelion, and also a dragon. But here you have him—“Castled on ice, beneath the circling bear,A vastCAMELIONdrinks andvomitsair;O’er twelve degrees his ribs gigantic bend,And many a league his gasping jaws extend;Half fish beneath, his scaly volutes spread,And vegetable plumage crests his head,Huge fields of air his wrinkled skin receives,From panting gills, wide lungs,and waving leaves;[B]Then with dread throes subsides his bloated form,His shriek the thunder, and his sigh the storm.”Botanic Garden.And again in prose.“Though the immediate cause of the destruction or reproduction of great masses of air, at certain times when the wind changes from north to south, or from south to north, cannot yet be ascertained; yet as there appears greater difficulty in accounting for this change of wind from any other known causes, we may still suspect that there exists in the arctic and antarctic circles, aBEARorDRAGON, yet unknown to philosophers, which, at times, suddenlydrinks up, and at other times as suddenlyvomits out, one fifteenth part of the atmosphere: and hope that this or some future age will learn how to govern and domesticate a monster which might be rendered of such important service to mankind”!!!Botanic Garden. Note XXXIII.

[34]

And would not let him “vomit air.”

This terrible bear is likewise a camelion, and also a dragon. But here you have him—

“Castled on ice, beneath the circling bear,A vastCAMELIONdrinks andvomitsair;O’er twelve degrees his ribs gigantic bend,And many a league his gasping jaws extend;Half fish beneath, his scaly volutes spread,And vegetable plumage crests his head,Huge fields of air his wrinkled skin receives,From panting gills, wide lungs,and waving leaves;[B]Then with dread throes subsides his bloated form,His shriek the thunder, and his sigh the storm.”Botanic Garden.

“Castled on ice, beneath the circling bear,A vastCAMELIONdrinks andvomitsair;O’er twelve degrees his ribs gigantic bend,And many a league his gasping jaws extend;Half fish beneath, his scaly volutes spread,And vegetable plumage crests his head,Huge fields of air his wrinkled skin receives,From panting gills, wide lungs,and waving leaves;[B]Then with dread throes subsides his bloated form,His shriek the thunder, and his sigh the storm.”Botanic Garden.

“Castled on ice, beneath the circling bear,A vastCAMELIONdrinks andvomitsair;O’er twelve degrees his ribs gigantic bend,And many a league his gasping jaws extend;Half fish beneath, his scaly volutes spread,And vegetable plumage crests his head,Huge fields of air his wrinkled skin receives,From panting gills, wide lungs,and waving leaves;[B]Then with dread throes subsides his bloated form,His shriek the thunder, and his sigh the storm.”Botanic Garden.

“Castled on ice, beneath the circling bear,

A vastCAMELIONdrinks andvomitsair;

O’er twelve degrees his ribs gigantic bend,

And many a league his gasping jaws extend;

Half fish beneath, his scaly volutes spread,

And vegetable plumage crests his head,

Huge fields of air his wrinkled skin receives,

From panting gills, wide lungs,and waving leaves;[B]

Then with dread throes subsides his bloated form,

His shriek the thunder, and his sigh the storm.”

Botanic Garden.

And again in prose.

“Though the immediate cause of the destruction or reproduction of great masses of air, at certain times when the wind changes from north to south, or from south to north, cannot yet be ascertained; yet as there appears greater difficulty in accounting for this change of wind from any other known causes, we may still suspect that there exists in the arctic and antarctic circles, aBEARorDRAGON, yet unknown to philosophers, which, at times, suddenlydrinks up, and at other times as suddenlyvomits out, one fifteenth part of the atmosphere: and hope that this or some future age will learn how to govern and domesticate a monster which might be rendered of such important service to mankind”!!!

Botanic Garden. Note XXXIII.

[35]Or stem a hurricane with ease.“Many schemes” (it is said in Rees’s Cyclopædia, article Aerostation) “have been proposed for directing the horizontal motion of balloons. Some have thought of annexing sails to a balloon, in order to give it the advantage of the wind; but to this proposal it has been objected, that as the aerostatic machines are at rest with respect to the air that surrounds them, they feel no wind, and consequently can derive no benefit from the sails.” None but a conjurer, however, could have made that discovery. But Dr Rees says further, that “An ingenious writer observes, that the case of vessels at sea is quite different from that of balloons; because that the former move with a velocity incomparably less than that of the wind impelling them, on account of the resistance of the water,” &c. This ingenious writer must have had a new edition of Friar Bacon’s head on his shoulders.Our mode of steering a balloon is an improvement on the invention of Professor Danzel, which is thus described by Dr Rees. “Professor Danzel has constructed two cylinders, or axles, to the ends of which are fixed, in the form of a cross, four sails or oars, moveable at the point of their insertion in the cylinder, in such a manner, that when made to move round by means of a handle, the eight oars, like the cogs of a water mill wheel, present, successively, sometimes their flat side and sometimes their edge,” &c.It is very possible that you may have heard of some of our American mechanical geniuses, who havesometimes come very nighto the art of navigating boats against the stream by the force of the current. But our invention is very materially different from that. We manage much like a crab or lobster that paddles himself forward under water, and proceeds as well as if he actually carried sail.

[35]

Or stem a hurricane with ease.

“Many schemes” (it is said in Rees’s Cyclopædia, article Aerostation) “have been proposed for directing the horizontal motion of balloons. Some have thought of annexing sails to a balloon, in order to give it the advantage of the wind; but to this proposal it has been objected, that as the aerostatic machines are at rest with respect to the air that surrounds them, they feel no wind, and consequently can derive no benefit from the sails.” None but a conjurer, however, could have made that discovery. But Dr Rees says further, that “An ingenious writer observes, that the case of vessels at sea is quite different from that of balloons; because that the former move with a velocity incomparably less than that of the wind impelling them, on account of the resistance of the water,” &c. This ingenious writer must have had a new edition of Friar Bacon’s head on his shoulders.

Our mode of steering a balloon is an improvement on the invention of Professor Danzel, which is thus described by Dr Rees. “Professor Danzel has constructed two cylinders, or axles, to the ends of which are fixed, in the form of a cross, four sails or oars, moveable at the point of their insertion in the cylinder, in such a manner, that when made to move round by means of a handle, the eight oars, like the cogs of a water mill wheel, present, successively, sometimes their flat side and sometimes their edge,” &c.

It is very possible that you may have heard of some of our American mechanical geniuses, who havesometimes come very nighto the art of navigating boats against the stream by the force of the current. But our invention is very materially different from that. We manage much like a crab or lobster that paddles himself forward under water, and proceeds as well as if he actually carried sail.

[36]And its contagion is outrageous.Some people, who appear to be fond of an opportunity of spoiling a beautiful theory, have produced against contagion the following arguments, and thereby very much perplexed a simple subject which ought to have been decided solely by theipse dixitof some famous personage of the faculty.1. The disorder is propagated more rapidly than could be possible on the theory of contagion; as it spreads over a large city quicker than the small pox would pervade a single alley.2. It assimilates to itself all other diseases, and forces them to wear its livery; which never is the case in contagious disorders.3. It is destroyed by frost; but frost increases the activity of contagion.4. It is an endemic, and must have its own local atmosphere, beyond whose limits it cannot be communicated. Thus the attendants of the sick incountryhospitals are never known to be infected.These, and fifty other arguments of a similar nature, I overturn by the weight of the authority of Dr Mead and other great men, which I have found to be a concise and inclusive way of stopping the mouths of my opponents.

[36]

And its contagion is outrageous.

Some people, who appear to be fond of an opportunity of spoiling a beautiful theory, have produced against contagion the following arguments, and thereby very much perplexed a simple subject which ought to have been decided solely by theipse dixitof some famous personage of the faculty.

1. The disorder is propagated more rapidly than could be possible on the theory of contagion; as it spreads over a large city quicker than the small pox would pervade a single alley.

2. It assimilates to itself all other diseases, and forces them to wear its livery; which never is the case in contagious disorders.

3. It is destroyed by frost; but frost increases the activity of contagion.

4. It is an endemic, and must have its own local atmosphere, beyond whose limits it cannot be communicated. Thus the attendants of the sick incountryhospitals are never known to be infected.

These, and fifty other arguments of a similar nature, I overturn by the weight of the authority of Dr Mead and other great men, which I have found to be a concise and inclusive way of stopping the mouths of my opponents.

[37]By laws of chemical affinity;Many an elaborate argument, founded on the above philosophical proposition has been bandied about in periodical prints and journals, during sundry desperate disputes relative to the origin of the American plague. Madrid and Edinburgh, it is affirmed, are rendered healthy by a want of cleanliness, which is proverbial. This sound reasoning is made the basis of our judicious prescriptions which adorn this and several consecutive stanzas.

[37]

By laws of chemical affinity;

Many an elaborate argument, founded on the above philosophical proposition has been bandied about in periodical prints and journals, during sundry desperate disputes relative to the origin of the American plague. Madrid and Edinburgh, it is affirmed, are rendered healthy by a want of cleanliness, which is proverbial. This sound reasoning is made the basis of our judicious prescriptions which adorn this and several consecutive stanzas.

[38]Paulo majora nunc canamus.Now sweep Apollo’s sounding lyre,And pitch the psalm an octave higher.

[38]

Paulo majora nunc canamus.

Now sweep Apollo’s sounding lyre,And pitch the psalm an octave higher.

Now sweep Apollo’s sounding lyre,And pitch the psalm an octave higher.

Now sweep Apollo’s sounding lyre,And pitch the psalm an octave higher.

Now sweep Apollo’s sounding lyre,

And pitch the psalm an octave higher.

[39]We’ll turn out full moons by the hundred.I do not think that one in forty of your worships has ever read the “Theory of the Earth,” as first produced by James Hutton, M. D., F. R. S., &c. &c. and thereafter much improved by professor Playfair. As it would, however, be highly commendable for gentlemen of your honorable profession not to rest with a superficial view of the great operations of nature, I will accompany you as far as the centre of gravity, in a journey of observation, for investigating the astonishing magazines of burning materials which Dr Hutton and professor Playfair have furnished us for the execution of our stupendous project.1. You will obligingly take it for granted, or run the risk of spoiling the Huttonian Theory, that the centre of the globe is a stupendous furnace, a million times hotter than that of Nebuchadnezzar. That this same heat, although it never amounts to a blaze, and wastes no fuel, is sufficiently elastic to raise the continents from the bottom of the main.—That having once raised or blown them up, as it were, like a bladder, it is very careful not to let them down again, because as we shall see by and by, they must all be “disintegrated,” alias washed into the ocean.2. Moreover, Dr Hutton’s followers will thank you to suppose that all this matter, raised as aforesaid, consisted originally ofunstratifiedrocks, which, though they are properly called primitive as the most ancient of the whole family of rocks, yet they are in fact nothing better than the scrapings or “disintegrations” of primal continents which existed before the commencement of the last edition of the earth.3. You will please to believe that all calcareous matters are formed from thedetritusof the primitive rocks, delivered by rivers into the sea, and there, after having been modified by central heat, protruded above water as before mentioned.4. You will likewise be convinced that no metal, mineral, orlapidosesubstance, can possibly be formed except at the bottom of the ocean, in the laboratory of Dr Hutton.[C]5. That although some foolish people have supposed that the sea has been subsiding for centuries, yet, as we know that the continents are crumbling into the ocean, you will conclude that we shall at length find all ourdryland underwater, and the sea increased in proportion to the square feet of earth deposited under its surface.6. That it is evident that this central heat, having raised its continents, and put proper supporters under them, will go to work in due time, and raise new continents from the bottom of the ocean. Thus the area of Dr Hutton’s centre will be enlarged, till the earth and moon will come in contact, if our plan hereafter mentioned should not check such progression. But we forbear, lest when it is ascertained that “the present continents are all going to decay and their materials descending into the ocean,” it may cause some disagreeable sensations among our friends, who are speculators in American lands, whose property, it seems, according to Dr Hutton’s theory, is about to take French leave of its worthy proprietors.When you have thoroughlysaturatedyour faculties with this theory, we will oblige you with a freshsolutionfrom Dr Darwin, compounded as follows:“The variation of the compass can only be accounted for by supposing the central parts of the earth to consist of a fluid mass, and that part of this fluid is iron, which requiring a greater degree of heat to bring it into fusion than glass or other metals, remains a solid ore. The vis inertiæ of this fluid mass with the iron in it occasions it to perform fewer revolutions than the crust of solid earth over it; and thus it is gradually left behind, and the place where the floating iron resides, is pointed to by the direct or retrograde motion of the magnetic needle.”

[39]

We’ll turn out full moons by the hundred.

I do not think that one in forty of your worships has ever read the “Theory of the Earth,” as first produced by James Hutton, M. D., F. R. S., &c. &c. and thereafter much improved by professor Playfair. As it would, however, be highly commendable for gentlemen of your honorable profession not to rest with a superficial view of the great operations of nature, I will accompany you as far as the centre of gravity, in a journey of observation, for investigating the astonishing magazines of burning materials which Dr Hutton and professor Playfair have furnished us for the execution of our stupendous project.

1. You will obligingly take it for granted, or run the risk of spoiling the Huttonian Theory, that the centre of the globe is a stupendous furnace, a million times hotter than that of Nebuchadnezzar. That this same heat, although it never amounts to a blaze, and wastes no fuel, is sufficiently elastic to raise the continents from the bottom of the main.—That having once raised or blown them up, as it were, like a bladder, it is very careful not to let them down again, because as we shall see by and by, they must all be “disintegrated,” alias washed into the ocean.

2. Moreover, Dr Hutton’s followers will thank you to suppose that all this matter, raised as aforesaid, consisted originally ofunstratifiedrocks, which, though they are properly called primitive as the most ancient of the whole family of rocks, yet they are in fact nothing better than the scrapings or “disintegrations” of primal continents which existed before the commencement of the last edition of the earth.

3. You will please to believe that all calcareous matters are formed from thedetritusof the primitive rocks, delivered by rivers into the sea, and there, after having been modified by central heat, protruded above water as before mentioned.

4. You will likewise be convinced that no metal, mineral, orlapidosesubstance, can possibly be formed except at the bottom of the ocean, in the laboratory of Dr Hutton.[C]

5. That although some foolish people have supposed that the sea has been subsiding for centuries, yet, as we know that the continents are crumbling into the ocean, you will conclude that we shall at length find all ourdryland underwater, and the sea increased in proportion to the square feet of earth deposited under its surface.

6. That it is evident that this central heat, having raised its continents, and put proper supporters under them, will go to work in due time, and raise new continents from the bottom of the ocean. Thus the area of Dr Hutton’s centre will be enlarged, till the earth and moon will come in contact, if our plan hereafter mentioned should not check such progression. But we forbear, lest when it is ascertained that “the present continents are all going to decay and their materials descending into the ocean,” it may cause some disagreeable sensations among our friends, who are speculators in American lands, whose property, it seems, according to Dr Hutton’s theory, is about to take French leave of its worthy proprietors.

When you have thoroughlysaturatedyour faculties with this theory, we will oblige you with a freshsolutionfrom Dr Darwin, compounded as follows:

“The variation of the compass can only be accounted for by supposing the central parts of the earth to consist of a fluid mass, and that part of this fluid is iron, which requiring a greater degree of heat to bring it into fusion than glass or other metals, remains a solid ore. The vis inertiæ of this fluid mass with the iron in it occasions it to perform fewer revolutions than the crust of solid earth over it; and thus it is gradually left behind, and the place where the floating iron resides, is pointed to by the direct or retrograde motion of the magnetic needle.”

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