Chap. vii.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS ACCOMMODATED HIMSELF TO THE STATE OF A BRUTE BEAST
Now it had been easy for me, by means of the hole which the mad ensign had cut in the door before, to free myself. But because I must now be a fool, I let that alone: and not only did I behave like a fool who hath not the wit of his own motion to release himself, but did even present myself as a hungry calf that pineth for its mother: nor was it long before my bleating was heard of them that were appointed to watch me; for presently there came two soldiers to the goose-pen and asked who was in there. So I answered: "Ye fools, hear ye not that a calf is in here." And with that they opened the pen and brought me out, and wondered how a calf could so speak: which forced performance became them even as well as doth the awkward attempt of a new-recruited comedian who cannot play his part; and that so much so that I thought often I must help them to play their jest out. So they took counsel what they should do with me, and agreed to make me a present to the Governor as one who would give them a larger reward if I could speak than the butcher would pay for me. Then they questioned me how I did, and I answered, "Sorrily enough." So they asked why, and I said, "For this reason, that here it is the fashion to shut up honest calves in goose-pens. Ye rogues must know that a proper ox will in due time come of me; and so must I be brought up as becometh an honourable steer."
So after this brief discourse they had me with them across the street to the Governor's quarters: a great crowd of boys following us, and inasmuch as they, like myself, all bleated loud like a calf, the very blind could have guessed by the hearing that a whole herd of calves was being driven past: whereas by our looks we might be likened to a pack of young fools and old.
Then was I by my two soldiers presented to the Governor, for all the world as if they had taken me as plunder: them he rewarded with a gratification, but to me he promised the best post that I could have about him. So I thought of the Goldsmith's[11]apprentice and answered thus: "Good, my lord, but none must clap me into goose-pens: for we calves can endure no such treatment if we are to grow and to turn into fine heads of cattle." The Governor promised me better things, and thought himself a clever fellow to have made so presentable a fool out of me. "But no," thought I, "wait thou, my dear master; I have endured the trial by fire and therein have I been hardened: now will we try which of us two can best trick the other."
Now just then a peasant that had fled into the city was driving his cattle to drink. Which when I saw forthwith I left the Governor and ran to the cows, bleating like a calf, even as though I would suck: but they, when I came to them, were more terrified at me than a wolf, albeit I wore hair of their kind; yea, they were so affrighted and scattered so quickly from one another as if a hornet's nest had been let loose among them in August, so that their master could not again bring them together at the same place: which occasioned pretty sport. And in a wink a crowd of folk ran together to see this fool's jape, and as my lord laughed till he was fit to burst, at last he said, "Truly one fool maketh a hundred more."
But I thought to myself, "Yea, and thou speakest this truth of thine own self."
And as from that time forward each must call me the calf, so I for my part had a scoffing nickname for every one: which same, according to the opinion of all and especially of my lord, turned out most wittily; for I christened each as his qualities demanded. In a word; many did count me for a witless madman, while I held all for fools in their wits. And to my thinking this is still the way of the world: for each one is content with his own wits and esteemeth that he is of all men the cleverest.
The said jest which I played with the peasant's cattle made a short forenoon still shorter; for 'twas then about the winter solstice. At dinner-time I waited as before, but besides that I played many quaint tricks: as that when I must eat no man could force me to take man's food or drink: for I said roundly I would have only grass, which at that time 'twas impossible to come by. So my lord had a fresh pair of calf-skins fetched from the butcher, and the same pulled over the heads of two little boys: and these he set by me at table, and for a first course set before us a dish of winter salad and bade us fall to lustily: yea, he commanded to bring a live calf and entice him with salt to eat the salad. So I looked on staring as if I wondered at this, but the thing gave me occasion to play my part the better.
"Of a certainty," said they, when they saw me so unmoved, "'tis no new thing if calves do eat flesh, fish, cheese, and butter; yea, and at times drink themselves soundly drunk: nowadays the beasts do know what is good. Ay, and 'tis nowadays come to that, that but little difference is to be found between them and mankind. Wilt thou not play thy part therein?" And to that I was the more easily persuaded in that I was hungry, and not because I had before seen with mine own eyes how men could be more swinish than pigs, more savage than lions, more lustful than goats, more envious than dogs, more unruly than horses, more stupid than asses, more mad for drink than the brutes, craftier than foxes, greedier than wolves, sillier than apes, and more poisonous than asps and toads; yet all alike partook of men's food, and only by their shape were discerned from the beasts, and specially in respect of innocence were they to be counted far below the poor calf. So I ate my fill with my fellow calves as much as my appetite demanded: and if a stranger had unexpectedly thus beheld me sitting at table, without doubt he had imagined that Circe of old had risen up again to turn men into beasts; which art my master then knew and practised. And as I took my dinner, so was I treated at my supper, and even as my fellow guests or parasites fed with me, so must they with me to bed, though my lord would not permit that I should pass the night in the cow-byre. Now all this I did to befool them that would have held me for a fool, and this sure conclusion did I make, that the most gracious God doth lend and impart to every man in his station to which He hath called him, so much wit as he hath need of there to maintain himself: yea, and moreover, that many do vainly imagine, doctors though they be or not, that they alone be men of wit and they only fit for every trade, whereas there be as many good fish[12]in the sea yet.
Chap. viii.: DISCOURSETH OF THE WONDROUS MEMORY OF SOME AND THE FORGETFULNESS OF OTHERS
Now when I awaked next morning were both my becalfed bedfellows up and away: so I rose up likewise, and when the adjutant came to fetch away the keys to open the town gates, out I slipped to my pastor; and to him I told all that had happened to me, as well in heaven as in hell. So when he saw that it vexed my conscience that I should deceive so many folk, and specially my master, whereas I pretended to be a fool, "why, upon that point," says he, "thou needest not to trouble thyself: this foolish world will be befooled; and if they have left thee thy wits, so use thou those same wits to thine own advantage, and imagine to thyself as if thou, like to the Ph[oe]nix, hast been newly born from folly to understanding through fire, and so to a new human life. Yet know thou withal thou art not yet out of the wood, but with risk of thy reason hast slipped into this fool's cap. Yea, and these times be so out of joint that none can know whether thou yet escape without loss of thy life. For a man can run quickly into hell, but to get out again doth need a deal of puffing and blowing: and thou art not yet--no, not by a long way--man enough to escape the danger that lies before thee, as well thou mightest suppose. So wilt thou have need of more foresight and wit than in those days when thou knewest not what reason or unreason was: bide thou thy time and wait on the turn of the tide."
Now was his manner of speaking different from what it had been, and that because, I believe, he had read it in my countenance that I fancied myself to be somewhat, since I had with such masterly deceit and art slipped through the net. Nay, I gathered this from his face, that he was sick and tired of me, for his looks shewed it; and indeed what part had he in me? With that I changed my discourse also, and busied myself to give him great thanks for the excellent remedies which he had imparted to me for the preserving of my wits: yea, and I made him impossible promises to repay him all that my debt to him demanded. Now this tickled him and brought him again to a different humour, wherein he bepraised his medicine and told me Simonides of Melos had invented an art which Metrodorus of Skepsis had perfected, and that not without great pains, whereby he could teach men at the repeating of a single word to recount all that they had ever heard or read, and such a thing, said he, "were not possible without medicines to strengthen the head such as he had ministered to me."
"Yea," thought I, "my good master parson: yet have I read in thine own books, when I dwelt with my hermit, a different tale of that wherein the Skepsian's mnemonic did consist."
Yet was I crafty enough to hold my peace: for if I must speak truth, 'twas now first, when I must be counted a fool, that I became keen-witted and more guarded in my talk. So the pastor continued, and told me how Cyrus could call every one of his 30,000 soldiers by his right name; how Lucius Scipio could do the like with every citizen of Rome; and how Cineas, Pyrrhus's ambassador, on the very day after he came to Rome could repeat in their order the names of all the senators, and nobles. Mithridates, the King of Pontus, said he, had in his realm men speaking twenty-two languages, to all of which he could minister judgment in their own tongue: yea, and talk with each separately. So, too, the learned Greek Charmides could tell a man what each would know out of all the books in a whole library if he had but read them once through. Lucius Seneca could say 2000 names in order if they were once recited before him and, as Ravisius tells, could repeat 200 verses spoken by 200 scholars from the last back to the first. So Esdras knew the five books of Moses by heart, and could dictate the same word by word to the scribes. Themistocles in one year did learn the Persian Speech, and Crassus, in Asia, could talk the five separate dialects of the Greek language, and in each administer the law to his subjects. Julius Cæsar could at the same time read, dictate, and give audiences. The holy Jerome knew both Hebrew, Chaldee, Greek, Persian, Median, Arabic and Latin, and the eremite Antonius knew the whole Bible by heart only from hearing it read. And so we know of a certain Corsican that he could hear 6000 men's names recited and thereafter repeat them in proper order.
"And all this I tell thee," said he further, "that thou mayest not hold it for an impossible thing that a man's memory should be excellently strengthened and maintained, even as it may, on the other hand, be in many ways weakened and even altogether destroyed. For in man there is no faculty so fleeting as that of memory: for by reason of sickness, terror, fear, or trouble and grief, it either vanisheth away or loseth a great part of its virtue. So do we read of a learned man at Athens that after a stone had fallen on his head he forgot all he had ever learned, even to his alphabet. So too another, by reason of sickness, came to this, that he forgot his own servant's name: and Messala Corvinus knew not his own name, though aforetime he had a good memory. And a priest who had sucked blood from his own veins thereupon forgot how to read and write, yet otherwise kept his memory, and when after a year's time he had again drunken of the same blood at the same place and the same time, could again write and read. So if a man eat bear's brains, 'tis said he will fall into such a craze and strong delusion as if he himself were turned into a bear; as is shewn by the example of a Spanish nobleman who, having eaten of it, ran wild in the woods and could believe nought else but that he was a bear. My good Simplicissimus, had thy master but known this art, thou mightest well have been changed into a bear like Callisto, rather than into a bull like Jupiter."
The pastor told me much more of the same sort, gave me more of his medicament, and instructed me as to my carriage for the time to come. So with that I betook myself home again, and with me more than one hundred boys, which all ran after me and again cried after me like calves: insomuch that my master, who was now risen, ran to the window, and when he saw so many fools all at once, was so gracious as to laugh heartily thereat.
Chap. ix.: CROOKED PRAISE OF A PROPER LADY
Now no sooner was I come into the house but I must forthwith to the parlour, for there were noble ladies with my lord which desired much to see and to hear his new fool. There I appeared and stood a-gaping like a dummy: whereupon she whom I had before caught at the dance took occasion to say she had been told this calf could speak, but now she did plainly perceive 'twas not true. Whereto I made answer I had also heard apes could not speak, but now could plainly hear 'twas not so.
"What;" says my lord, "opinest thou, then, that these ladies be apes?"
So I answered, "Be they not so already, yet they soon will be: for who knoweth how things will go; Yea, I myself had never expected to become a calf; and yet am I that same."
Then my lord would ask me whereby I could tell that these ladies should become apes: so I answered him, "Our ape here carrieth his hinder parts naked, but these ladies do so carry their bosom: which other maidens be wont to cover."
"Ah, rogue," saith my lord, "thou beest but a foolish calf, and as thou art so thou talkest: for these ladies do of purpose shew what 'tis worth men's while to gaze upon; whereas the poor ape goeth naked for sheer want of clothing. And now be thou quick to make good that wherein thou hast offended: else will we so bastinado thee and so hunt thee to thy goose-pen with dogs as men use to do with calves that know not how to behave themselves. Yet let us hear if thou canst praise a lady as is becoming."
So I looked upon the lady from head to foot and again from foot to head, and gazed upon her so fixedly and so lovingly as I would take her to wife: and at last, "Sir," said I, "I see clearly where the fault lieth; for the rascal tailor is the cause of all. The villain hath left those parts, which should cover the neck and the breast, below in the skirts: and therefore do these so trail behind. The botcher should have his hand hewn off that can tailor no better than this." And "Lady," quoth I to her, "be rid of him, or he will shame you; and have a care that you do deal with my dad's tailor, which same was hight Master Powle: for he could fashion fine plaited gowns for my mammy, our Ann, and our Ursula, and all cut even round about below. So did they never drag in the mud like yours: nay, and ye cannot believe what fine clothes he would make for the hussies."
So says my lord, "Were now thy father's Ann and thy father's Ursula handsomer than these ladies;"
"Nay," said I, "my lord, that may not be: this young maiden hath hair as yellow as sulphur, and the parting of her hair so white and smooth as though one had cut bristle-brushes therefrom; yea, and her hair so sweetly done up in rolls that it is like unto pipe-stems; yea, and as if one had hanged upon each side of her head a pound of candles or a dozen of sausages. Look you now, what a smooth, fair brow she hath! is it not rounder than a plum-pudding and whiter than a dead man's skull that has hung long on the gallows in wind and rain. 'Tis pity indeed that her tender skin is so stained by puff-powder; for when people see this who understand not such things, surely they will think this lady had the king's evil, which is wont to produce such a scaly humour; and this were surely pity: for look upon those sparkling eyes: they shine as black as did the soot on my dad's chimney; for that did use to shine so terribly when our Ann stood there before it with a wisp of straw to warm the room as if fire were therein enough to set the world in a blaze. Her cheeks be rosy enough, yet not so red as the red garters with which the Swabian waggoners at Ulm did truss up their breeches. Yet the bright red which she hath on her lips doth far surpass the colour of those garters, and if she speak or laugh (I pray my masters give heed thereto), then can one see in her mouth two rows of teeth, so orderly and so sugary as if they were with one snip cut out of a white turnip. Oh, lovely creature! I cannot believe that any one should feel pain if thou shouldst bite him therewith! So, too, her neck is as white as curdled milk and her bosom, which lieth beneath, of like colour. And oh, my masters, look upon her hands and fingers: they be so slender, so long, so slim, so supple, and so cunning as for all the world like a gipsy's fingers, ready to thrust into any man's pockets and there go a-fishing."
With that there arose such a laughter that none could hear me, nor I talk: so I took French leave and off I went: for I would be mocked by others so long as I would, and no longer.
Chap. x.: DISCOURSETH OF NAUGHT BUT HEROES AND FAMOUS ARTISTS
Thereafter followed the midday meal, whereat I again did good service: for now had I made it my purpose to rebuke all follies and to chastise all vanities, to which end my present condition was excellent well fitted: for no guest was too exalted for me to reprove and upbraid his vices, and if there were any that shewed displeasure, then was he laughed out of countenance by the rest, or else my master would demonstrate to him that no wise man is wont to be vexed at a fool. As to the mad ensign, which was my worst enemy, him I put on the rack at once. Yet the first who (at my lord's nod) did answer me reasonably was the secretary; for when I called him a "title-forger" and asked what title, then, had our first father Adam, "Thou talkest," answered he, "like an unreasoning calf: for thou knowest not how after our first parents different folk lived in the world, which by rare virtues such as wisdom, manly deeds of arms, and invention of useful arts, did in such wise ennoble themselves and their family that they by others were exalted above all earthly things, yea even above the stars to be gods: and wert thou a man, or hadst thou at least, like a man, read the histories, thou wouldst understand the difference that lies between men, and so wouldst thou gladly grant to each his title of honour; but since thou art but a calf, and so neither worthy nor capable of human honour, thou talkest of this matter like a stupid calf, and grudgest to the noble human race that wherein it can rejoice."
So I answered: "I was once a man as much as thou, and I have read pretty much also, and so can I judge that thou either understandest not this business aright, or art for thine own advantage compelled to speak otherwise than as thou knowest. For tell me, what deeds so noble and what arts so fine have ever been devised as to be enough to give nobility to a whole family for hundreds of years after the death of these great heroes and craftsmen? Did not the strength of the heroes and the wisdom and high understanding of the craftsmen die with them? And if thou seest not this, and if the qualities of the parents do descend to their children, then must I believe thy father was a stockfish and thy mother a plaice."
"Oho!" answered the secretary, "if the matter is to be settled by our reviling of each other, then can I cast in thy teeth thy father was but a clownish peasant of the Spessart, and though in thy home and in thy family there be many famous blockheads, yet thou hast made thyself yet lower, seeing that thou art become an unreasoning calf."
So I answered: "Thou art right; 'tis even that that that I would maintain; namely, that the virtues of the parents descend not always to the children, and that therefore the children be not always worthy of their parent's titles of honour. For me it is no shame to have become a calf, seeing that in such case I have the honour to follow the great king Nebuchadnezzar. Who knoweth whether it may not please God that I, like him, may again become a man, yea, and a far greater one than my dad? Yet do I praise those only that by their own virtues do make themselves nobles."
"Let it be so for the sake of argument," said the secretary, "that the children should not always inherit the titles of their parents, yet thou must acknowledge that they are worthy of all praise which do earn their nobility by a good conduct: and if that be so, it followeth that we do rightly honour the children for the parents' sake, since the apple falleth not far from the tree. And who would not honour in the descendants of Alexander the Great, if such there were to hand, their ancient forefather's high courage in the wars. For this man shewed in his youth his desire for fighting, in that he wept (though not yet able to bear arms) grieving lest his father might conquer all and leave him nothing to subdue. Did not he before the thirtieth year of his age overcome all the world and wish for another to conquer? Did not he in a battle against the Indians, when he was deserted by his men, for sheer rage sweat blood? And was he not so terrible to look upon (as though he were all begirt with flames of fire) that even the savages must flee before him in battle? Who would not esteem him higher and nobler than other men, of whom Quintus Curtius tells that his breath was like perfume and his sweat like musk and that his dead body smelt of precious spiceries? Here could I cite the case of Julius Cæsar and Pompeius, of whom the one, besides the victories which he won in the civil wars, did fifty times engage in pitched battles, and defeated and slew 1,520,000 men: while the other, besides the taking of 940 ships from the pirates, did from the Alps to the uttermost parts of Spain capture and subdue 376 cities and towns. Lucius Siccius, the Roman people's tribune, was engaged in 120 pitched battles, and did eight times conquer them that challenged him: he could shew forty-five scars on his body, and those all in front and none behind: with nine generals-in-chief did he enter Rome in their triumphs, which they did clearly earn by their courage. Yea, and Manlius Capitolinus's honour in war were no less had he not at the end of his life himself abased his fame: for he too could shew thirty-three scars, without counting that he once did alone save the capitol with all its treasures from the French. What of Hercules the Strong and Theseus and the rest, whose undying praise it is well-nigh impossible both to describe and to tell of? Should not these be honoured in their descendants? But I will pass over war and weapons and turn to the arts, which, though they seem to make less noise in the world, yet do achieve great fame for the masters of them. What skill do we find in Zeuxis, which by his ingenious brain and skilful hand did deceive the very birds of the air; and likewise in Apelles, who did paint a Venus so natural, so fine, so exquisite, and in all features so nice and so delicate that all bachelors did fall in love with her! Doth not Plutarch tell us how Archimedes did draw with one hand and by a single rope through the midst of the marketplace at Syracuse a great ship laden with merchants' ware as if he had but led a packhorse by the bridle? which thing not twenty oxen, to say nothing of two hundred calves like thee, could have effected. And should not this honest craftsman be endowed with a title of honour fitted to his art? This Archimedes made a mirror wherewith he could set on fire an enemy's warship in mid-sea. And who would not praise him which first did invent letters? Yea, who would not exalt him far above all artists who devised the noble and, for all the world, useful art of printing? If Ceres was accounted a goddess because she is said to have invented agriculture and the grinding of corn, why were it not fair that others should have their praise with titles of honour allowed them? Yet in truth it mattereth little whether thou, thou stupid calf, canst take such things into thy unreasoning bullock's brain or not. For 'tis with thee as with the dog which lay in the manger and would not let the ox eat of the hay, yet could not enjoy the same himself: thou art capable of no honour, and for that very cause thou grudgest such to those that do deserve it."
With all this I found myself sorely bestead, yet made answer: "These mighty deeds were indeed highly to be praised were they not accomplished with the destruction and damage of other men. But what manner of praise is this which is stained with the bloodshed of so many innocents; and what manner of nobility that which is achieved and won by the ruin of so many thousand other folk! And as concerns the arts, what be they save merely vanities and follies! Yea, they be as vain, idle, and unprofitable as the title of honour which might come to any man from these craftsmen; for they do but serve the greed, or the lust, or the luxury, or the corruption of others, like to those vile guns which lately I beheld on their half-waggons. Yea, and well could we spare both printing and writing, according to the sentence and opinion of that holy man who held that the whole wide world was book enough for him, wherein to study the wonders of his Creator and thereupon to recognise the almighty power of God."
Chap. xi.: OF THE TOILSOME AND DANGEROUS OFFICE OF A GOVERNOR
Then my lord would also have his jest with me, and said: "I do well perceive that because thou trustest not thyself to be of gentle birth, therefore thou despisest the honourable titles of gentility." "Sir," answered I, "if I could at this very hour enter upon your place of honour, yet would I not take it."
My lord laughed and said; "That I believe, for for the ox his oaten straw is well enough: but an thou hadst a high spirit such as hearts of gentles should have, then wouldst thou with zeal aspire to high honours and dignities. I for my part count it no small thing that fortune raises me above my fellows."
Then did I sigh, and "O toilsome felicity!" said I. "Sir, I assure you, ye are the most miserable man in Hanau."
"How so; how so, calf?" said my lord. "Give me thy reasons, for such I find not in myself."
So I answered, "If you know not and feel not that you are Governor in Hanau, and with how many cares and uneasiness in that account burdened, then either the devouring thirst of honour blinds you or else are you of iron and quite insensible; ye have, 'tis true, the right to command, and whosoever comes within your ken the same must obey you. But do they serve ye for naught? Are ye not all men's servant? Must ye not specially take care for each and all? See, ye are girded round with foes, and the safeguarding of this stronghold depends on you alone. Ever must ye be devising how to do some damage to your opposites: and therein must ever be on your guard that your plans be not spied upon. Must ye not often stand on guard like a common sentinel? Besides, ye must ever be concerned that there be no failure in money, ammunition, food and folk, and for that reason be ever holding the whole land to contribution by continual exactions and extortions. Send ye your men out to such an end, then is robbery, plunder, stealing, burning, and murder their highest task. Even now of late they have plundered Orb, captured Braunfels, and laid Staden in ashes. Thence 'tis true they brought back booty, but ye have laid on them a grievous responsibility before God. I grant this, that those enjoyments which accompany thine honour do please thee well; but knowest thou who will enjoy such treasures as doubtless thou gatherest? And granted that such riches remain thine (whereof a man may doubt), yet must thou leave them in this world and takest nothing with thee but the sin whereby thou hast gained them. And even if thou hast the good luck to enjoy thy booty, yet thou dost but spend the sweat and blood of the poor, who do now in misery suffer want or even perish and die of hunger. How often do I see that thy thoughts, by reason of the cares of thine office, are distracted hither and thither, while I and other calves do sleep in peace without any care, and if thou dost not so, it shall cost thee thy head if aught be overlooked that should have been provided for the preservation of thy subject people and this fortress. Look you, I am raised above such cares! and so, knowing that I do owe the debt of death to nature, I fear not lest an enemy should storm my stall or lest I should have with pains to fight for life. If I die young, so am I delivered from the toilsome life of a yoke-ox. But for thee men lay snares in a thousand fashions: and therefore is thy life naught but a continual care and sleeplessness; for thou must fear both friend and foe, which be ever devising to cheat thee of thy life or thy money, or thy reputation or thy command, or somewhat else whatever it be; even as thou thinkest to do by others. The enemy doth attack thee openly: and thy supposed friends do secretly envy thee thy good luck, and even as regards thy subjects art thou in no manner of safety.
"I say naught of this, that daily thy burning desires do torment thee and drive thee hither and thither, whilst thou plannest to gain for thyself still greater name and fame, to rise higher in rank, to gather greater riches, to play the enemy a trick, to surprise this or that place; in a word, to do wellnigh everything that may vex others and prove harmful to thine own soul and grievous to God's majesty. Yea, and the worst is this, that thou art so spoiled by thy flatterers that thou knowest not thyself, but art by them so captivated and drugged that thou canst not see the dangerous way thou goest; for all that thou doest they say is right and all thy vices are by them turned into virtues and so proclaimed; thy cruelty is to them stern justice: and when thou plunderest land and folk, thou art a brave soldier, say they, and do urge thee on to others' harm, that they may keep in thy favour and fill their purses too."
"Thou malingerer," said my lord, "who taught thee so to preach?"
"Good my lord," answered I, "say I not truly that thou art so spoiled by thine ear-wiggers and sycophants that already thou art past help? Whereas contrariwise other folk do soon detect thy faults and condemn thee not only in high and mighty matters, but find enough to blame in thee in small things which are of little account. And of this hast thou not examples enough in the case of great men of old time? So the Lacedaemonians railed at their own Lycurgus for walking with his head bowed: the Romans deemed it a foul fault in Scipio that he snored so loud in his sleep: it seemed to them an ugly fault in Pompey that he did scratch himself but with one finger: at Cæsar they mocked for wearing his girdle awry; and the good Cato was slandered for eating too greedily with both jaws at once; yea, the Carthaginians spoke evil of Hannibal for going with his breast bare and uncovered. How think ye now, my dear master? Think ye I would change places with one that, besides twelve or thirteen boon companions, flatterers and parasites, hath more than one hundred, yea, 'tis like enough more than ten thousand, both open and secret foes, slanderers, and malicious enviers? Besides, what happiness, what pleasure, and what joy can such a head have under whose care, protection, and guard so many men do live? Is't not a duty laid upon thee to watch for all thy folk, to care for them, and listen to each one's complaints and grievances? Were that not of itself troublesome enough even though thou hadst neither foes nor secret enemies? I can see well enough how hard 'tis for thee and yet how many grievances thou must endure. And, good my lord, what in the end will be thy reward? Tell me what hast thou for it all? If thou canst not say, then suffer the Grecian Demosthenes to tell thee, who after he had bravely and loyally furthered and defended the common weal and rights of the Athenians, was, contrary to all law and justice, banished the land and driven into miserable exile as an evil-doer. So Socrates was requited with poison, and Hannibal so ill rewarded by his countrymen that he must wander in the world as a poor wretched outlaw; yea, the Greeks repaid Lycurgus in such fashion that he was stoned and had an eye beaten out. Do thou, therefore, keep thy high office to thyself, with the reward thou wilt have from it: seek not to share it with me; for even if all go well with thee, yet hast thou naught to carry home with thee but an ill conscience. And if thou art minded to obey that conscience, then wilt thou be quickly deposed from thy commands as incapable, for all the world as if thou too wert become a stupid calf."
While I thus spake, the rest of the company looked hard upon me and wondered much that I should be able to hold such discourse, which, as they openly confessed, would have taxed the wits of a man of sense if he had been forced so to speak without preparation.
Chap. xii.: OF THE SENSE AND KNOWLEDGE OF CERTAIN UNREASONING ANIMALS
So I ended my discourse thus: "Therefore," said I, "my excellent master, will I not change with thee: for indeed I have no call to do so since the brook affords me a healthy drink instead of thy costly wines; and He who allowed me to be turned into a calf will also in such wise know how to bless the fruits of the earth to my use, that they be to me as to Nebuchadnezzar, no unfitting provision for food and sustenance: even so hath nature provided me with a good coat of fur; while as for thee, often thou loathest thy meat, thy wine splitteth thy head, and soon will bring thee into one sickness or another."
Then my lord answered: "I know not what I have in thee; meseemeth thou art for a calf far too wise: nay, I do surmise thou hast under that calf-skin clad thyself with a rogue-skin."
With that I made as if I were angry, and said: "Do ye men think, then, that we beasts be all fools? That may ye not imagine. I do maintain that if older beasts could speak as well as I, that they would tell you a very different story. If ye deem we are so stupid, then tell me who hath taught the wild wood-pigeons, the jays, the blackbirds, and the partridges to purge themselves with laurel-leaves, and doves, turtle-doves, and fowls with dandelions. Who teacheth cat and dog to eat the dewy grass when they desire to purge a full belly? Who hath taught the tortoise to heal a bite with hemlock or the stag when he is shot to have recourse to the dictamnus or calamint? Who taught the weasel to use the rue when she will fight with bat or snake? Who maketh the wild boar to know the ivy and the bear the mandrake, and saith to them it is their medicine? Who giveth the swallow to understand that she should heal her fledglings' dim eyes with chelidonium? Who did instruct the snake to eat of fennel when she will cast her slough and heal her darkened eyes? Who teacheth the stork to purge himself, the pelican to let himself blood and the bear to get himself scarified by bees? Nay, I might almost say, ye men have learned your arts and sciences from us beasts. Ye eat and drink yourselves to death, and that we beasts do never do. Lion or wolf, when he is by way of growing too fat, then he fasteth till again he is thin, active, and healthy. And which party dealeth most wisely herein? Yea, above and beyond all this, consider the fowls of the air; regard the various architecture of their cunning nests, and inasmuch as all your labours can never imitate them, therefore ye must acknowledge they be both wiser and more ingenious than ye men yourselves. Who telleth to our summer birds when they should come to us for the spring and hatch their young, or for the autumn, when they should again betake themselves from us to warmer climes? Who teacheth them they must choose a gathering-place to that end? Who leadeth them or sheweth them the way? Do ye men lend them, perchance, a compass that they fall not out by the way? Nay, my good friends, they do know the way without your help, and how long they must spend therein, and when they must depart from this place and the other, and therefore have no need of your compass nor your almanack. Further, behold the industrious spider, whose web is wellnigh a miracle: look if you find a singly knot in all her weaving. What hunter or fisher hath taught her how to spread her net, and when she hath laid that net to catch her prey, to set herself either in the furthest corner or else full in the centre? Ye men do admire the raven of whom Plutarchus writeth that he threw into a vessel that was half full of water so many stones that the water rose until he could conveniently drink thereof. What would ye do if ye were to dwell among the beasts and there behold all the rest of their dealings, their doings, and their not-doings? Then at all events would ye acknowledge 'twas plain that all beasts had somewhat of especial natural vigour and virtue in all their desires and instincts, as being now prudent, now strenuous, now gentle, now timid, now fierce, for your learning and instruction. Each knoweth the other; they discern each from other; they seek after that which is useful to them, flee from what is harmful, avoid danger, gather together what is necessary for their sustenance--yea, and at times do befool you men yourselves. Therefore have many ancient philosophers seriously pondered of such matters and have not been ashamed to question and to dispute whether unreasoning brutes might not have understanding. But I care not to speak further of these matters: get ye to the bees and see how they make wax and honey, and then come again and tell me how ye think of it."
Chap. xiii.: OF VARIOUS MATTERS WHICH WHOEVER WILL KNOW MUST EITHER READ THEM OR HAVE THEM READ TO HIM
Thereupon various judgments were pronounced upon me by my lord's guests. The Secretaries were of opinion I should be counted a fool because I esteemed myself a reasoning beast, and because they that had a tile or two slipped, and yet seemed to themselves wise, were the most complete and comical fools of all. Others said, if 'twere possible to drive out of me the idea that I was a calf, or one could persuade me I was again turned into a man, I should surely be held reasonable, or at least sane enough. But my lord himself said, "I hold him for a fool because he telleth every man the truth so shamelessly; yet are his speeches so ordered that they belong to no fool." (Now all this they spake in Latin, that I might not understand.) Then he asked me, had I studied while I was yet a man? I answered, I knew not what study was "but, dear sir," said I further, "tell me what manner of things are these studs with which men study? Speakest thou, perchance, of the balls with which men bowl." Then answered he they called the "mad ensign," "What will ye with the fellow? 'a hath a devil, 'a is possessed? 'tis sure the devil talking through his mouth." And on that my lord took occasion to ask me, since I had been turned into a calf, whether I still was accustomed to pray like other men and trusted to go to heaven. "Surely," answered I, "Yet have I my immortal human soul, which, as thou canst easily believe, will not lightly desire to come to hell again, specially since I fared therein so evilly once before. I am but changed as once was Nebuchadnezzar, and in God's good time I might well become a man again." "And I hope thou mayst," said my lord, with a pretty deep sigh, whereupon I might easily judge that he repented him of having allowed me to be driven mad. "But let us hear," he went on, "how art thou wont to pray?" So I kneeled down and raised my eyes and hands to heaven in good hermit fashion, and because my lord's repentance which I had perceived touched my heart with exceeding comfort, I could not refrain my tears, and so to outward appearance prayed with deepest reverence, after the Paternoster, for all Christendom, for my friends and my enemies, and that God would vouchsafe to me so to live in this world that I might be worthy to praise Him in eternal bliss. My hermit had taught me such a prayer in devout and well-ordered words. At that some soft-hearted onlookers were also nigh to weeping, for they had great pity for me, yea, my lord's own eyes were full of water.
After dinner my lord sends for the pastor, and to him he told all that I had uttered, and gave him to understand that he was concerned lest all was not well[13]with me, and perchance the devil had a finger in the pie, seeing that at first I had shewn myself altogether simple and ignorant yet now could utter things to make men wonder. The pastor, who knew my qualities better than any other, answered, that should have been thought on before 'twas allowed to make me a fool, for "men," said he, "were made in the image of God, and with such, and especially with such tender youth, one must not make sport as with beasts": yet would he never believe 'twas permitted to the evil spirit to interfere, seeing that I had ever commended myself to God with fervent prayer. Yet if against all likelihood such a thing were decreed and permitted, then had men a sore account to answer for before God, inasmuch as there would scarcely be greater sin than for one man to rob another of his reason and thus withdraw him from the praise and service of God, whereto he was chiefly created. "I gave ye beforehand my assurance," said he, "that he had wit enough, but that he could not fit himself to the world was caused by this, that he was brought up first with his father, a rough peasant, and then with your brother-in-law in the wilderness, in all simplicity. Had folk had but a little patience with him at first, he would with time have learned a better carriage; he was but a simple, God-fearing child, such as the evil-disposed world knew not. Yet do I not doubt he can again be brought to his right mind, if we can but take from him this fantasy and bring him to believe no longer that he was turned into a calf. We read of one which did firmly believe he was changed into an earthen pot, and would beseech his friends to put him high on a shelf lest he should be trodden on and broken. Another did imagine he was a cock, and in his infirmity crowed both day and night. And yet another fancied he was already dead and a wandering spirit, and therefore would partake of no medicine nor food nor drink, till a wise physician hired two fellows which gave themselves out likewise to be spirits, yet hearty drinkers, who joined themselves to him and persuaded him that nowadays spirits were wont to eat and drink, whereby he was brought to his senses. Yea, I myself had a sick peasant in my parish, who, when I visited him, complained to me he had three or four barrels of water in his body; and could he be rid of that he trusted to be well again, and begged me either to have him ripped up, that the water might run away, or have him hung up in the smoke to dry it up. So I spoke him fair, and persuaded him I could draw off the water from him in another fashion; and with that I took a tap such as we use for wine and beer-casks, bound a strip of pig's guts to it, and the other end I fastened to the bung hole of a great puncheon, which to that end I had had filled with water; then I pretended as if I had stuck the tap into his belly, which he had had swathed in rags lest it should burst. Then I let the water run out of the puncheon through tubes; whereat the poor creature rejoiced heartily and, throwing away his rags, was in a few days whole again. Again, one that imagined he had all manner of horse-furniture, bits and the like, in his body, was in this wise cured: for his physician, having given him a strong purge, conveyed such things into the night-stool so that the fellow must needs believe he was rid of them by the purging. So, too, they tell of one madman that believed his nose was so long that it reached to the ground: for him they hung a sausage to his nose, and cut it away by little and little till they came to the real nose: who, as soon as he felt the knife touch his flesh, cried out the nose was in its right shape again. And our good Simplicissimus can therefore be cured even as were these of whom I have spoken."
"All this can I believe," answered my master, "only this gives me concern, that he was before so ignorant, and now can talk of all matters, and that in such perfect fashion as one cannot easily find even among persons older, more practised, and better read than he is: for he hath told me of many properties of beasts, and described mine own person so exactly as he had been all his life in the busy world, so that I must needs wonder and hold his speeches wellnigh for an oracle or a warning of God."
"Sir," answered the pastor, "this may well be true and yet natural: I know that he is well read, seeing that he, as well as his hermit, went through all my books which I had, and which were not few; and because the lad hath a good memory, and is now at leisure in his mind and forgetful of his own person, therefore he can utter what aforetime he stored in his brain: and therefore I do cherish the firm hope that with time he may again be brought to right reason."
In this wise the pastor left the Governor between hope and fear: and me and my cause he defended in the best way, and gained for me days of happiness and for himself (by the way) access to the Governor. Their crowning resolve was this, to deal with me for a time quietly; and that the pastor did more for his own sake than mine, for by going to and fro and acting as if he bestirred himself for my sake and felt great care for me, he gained the Governor's favour, who gave him office and made him chaplain to the garrison, which in those hard times was no small matter: neither did I grudge it him.