Chap. xiv.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS LED THE LIFE OF A NOBLEMAN, AND HOW THE CROATS ROBBED HIM OF THIS WHEN THEY STOLE HIMSELF
So from this time forward I possessed in full the favour, grace, and love of my lord, of which I can boast with truth: nought I wanted to complete my good fortune but that my calfskin was too much and my years too little, though I knew it not myself. Besides, the pastor would not yet have me brought to my senses, but it seemed to him not yet time, neither as yet profitable for his interest. But my lord, seeing my taste for music, had me to learn it, and hired for me an excellent lute-player, whose art I presently well understood and in this excelled him, that I could sing to the lute better than he. So could I serve my lord for his pleasure, for his pastime, delight, and admiration. Likewise all the officers shewed me their respect and goodwill, the richest burghers sent me gratifications, and the household, like the soldiers, wished me well because they saw how well inclined my master was to me. One treated me here, another there; for they knew that often jesters have more power with their masters than honest men: and to this end were all their gifts; for some gave to me lest I should slander them, others for that very reason--namely, that I should slander others for their sake. In which manner I put together a pretty sum of money, which for the most part I handed to the pastor; for I knew not yet to what end it could be used. And as none dared look at me askance, so from this time forward I had no jealousy, care, or trouble to encounter with. All my thoughts I gave to my music, and to devising how I might courteously point out to one and the other his failings. So I grew like a pig in clover, and my strength of body increased palpably: soon could one see that I was no longer starving my body in the wood with water and acorns and beech-nuts and roots and herbs, but that over a good meal I found the Rhenish wine and the Hanau double-beer to my taste, which was indeed in those miserable times to be accounted a great favour of God: for at that time all Germany was aflame with war and harried by hunger and pestilence, and Hanau itself besieged by the enemy, all which disturbed me not in the least. But after the raising of the siege my master designed to make a present of me either to Cardinal Richelieu or Duke Bernhard of Weimar, for besides that he hoped to earn great thanks for the gift, he said plainly 'twas not possible for him to bear the sight of me longer, because I presented to him in that fool's raiment the face of his lost sister, to whom I grew more like every day. In that the pastor opposed him, for he held that the time was not yet come when he was to do a miracle and make me a reasonable creature again, and therefore counselled the Governor he should have a couple of calfskins prepared and put on two other boys, and thereafter appoint some third person who, in the shape of a physician, prophet or conjurer, should strip me and the said two boys and pretend he could make beasts into men and men into beasts: in this manner I might be restored, and without great pains might be brought to believe I had, like others, again become a man. Which proposal when the Governor approved, the pastor told me what he had agreed with my master, and easily persuaded me to consent thereto. But envious Fortune would not so easily free me of my fool's clothes nor leave me longer to enjoy my noble life of pleasure. For while tanners and tailors were already at work on the apparel that appertained to this comedy, I was even then sporting with some other boys on the ice in front of the ramparts. And there some one, I know not who, brought upon us a party of Croats, which seized upon us all, set us upon certain riderless farm-horses which they had just stolen, and carried us all off together. 'Tis true they were at first in doubt whether to take me with them or not, till at last one said in Bohemian, "Mih werne daho blasna sebao, bowe deme ho gbabo Oberstowi" ("Take we the fool: bring we him to our colonel"). And another answered him, "Prschis am bambo ano, mi ho nagonie possadeime wan rosumi niemezki, won bude mit Kratock wille sebao" ("Yes, by God, set we him on the horse. The colonel speaks German: he will have sport with him"). So I must to horse, and must learn how a single unlucky hour can rob one of all welfare and so separate him from all luck and happiness that all his life he must bear the consequences.
Chap. xv.: OF SIMPLICISSIMUS' LIFE WITH THE TROOPERS, AND WHAT HE SAW AND LEARNED AMONG THE CROATS
Though 'tis true the Hanauers raised an alarm at once, sallied forth on horseback, and for a while detained the Croats and harassed them with skirmishing, yet could they get from them none of their booty; for being light troops, they escaped very cleverly, and took their way to Büdingen, where they baited, and delivered to the burghers there the rich Hanauers' sons to put to ransom, and there sold their stolen horses and other wares. From thence they decamped again before it was even fully night, let alone day again, and rode hard through the Büdingen forest into the abbey-lands of Fulda, and seized on the way all they could carry with them. For robbery and plunder hindered them not in the least in their swift march: like the devil, that can do mischief as he flies. And the same evening they arrived in the abbey-lands of Hirschfeld, where they had their quarters, with great store of plunder. And this was divided; but me their colonel Corpes took as his share.
In the service of this master all appeared to me as unpleasing and wellnigh barbarous: the dainties of Hanau had changed into coarse black bread and stringy beef, or by good luck a bit of stolen pork: wine and beer were now turned to water, and instead of a bed I must be content to lie by the horses in the straw. Instead of that lute-playing which had delighted all men, now must I at times creep under the table like the other lads, howl like a dog, and suffer myself to be pricked with their spurs, which was for me but a poor jest. Instead of my promenades at Hanau, I must now ride on foraging parties, groom horses and clean out their stalls. Now this same foraging is neither more nor less than attacking of villages (with great pains and labour: yea, often with danger to life and limb), and there threshing, grinding, baking, stealing, and taking all that can be found; harrying and spoiling the farmers, and shaming of their maids, their wives, and their daughters. And if the poor peasants did murmur, or were bold enough to rap a forager or two over the fingers, finding them at such work (and at that time were many such guests in Hesse,) they were knocked on the head if they could be caught, or if not, their houses went up in smoke to heaven. Now my master had no wife (for campaigners of his kidney be not wont to take ladies with them), no page, no chamberlain, no cook, but on the other hand a whole troop of grooms and boys which waited both on him and his horse; nor was he himself ashamed to saddle his own horse or give him a feed: he slept ever on straw or on the bare ground, and covered himself with a fur coat. So it came about that one could often see great fleas or lice walk upon his clothes, of which he was not ashamed at all, but would laugh if any one pocked one out. Short hair he had, but a broad Switzer's beard, which served his turn well, for he was wont to disguise himself as a peasant and so to go a-spying. Yet though, as I have said, he kept no great household, yet was he by his own folk and others that knew him honoured, loved, and feared. Never were we at rest, but now here, now there: now we attacked and now we were attacked: never for a moment were we idle in damaging the Hessians' resources: nor on his part did Melander[14]leave us in peace: but cut off many a trooper and sent him prisoner to Cassel.
This restless life was not to my liking, and often I did wish myself back in Hanau, yet in vain: my greatest torment was that I could not talk with the men, and must suffer myself to be kicked, plagued, beaten, and driven by each and all: and the chiefest pastime that my colonel had was that I should sing to him in German, and puff my cheeks like the other stable-lads, which 'tis true happened but seldom, yet then I got me such a shower of buffets that the red blood flowed, and I soon had enough. At last I began to do somewhat of cooking, and to keep my master's weapons clean, whereon he laid great stress: for I was as yet useless for foraging. And this answered so well that in the end I gained my master's favour, insomuch that he had a new fool's coat of calfskins made for me, with much greater asses' ears than I wore before. Now as my master's palate was not delicate, I needed the less skill for my cookery: yet because I was too often without salt, grease or seasoning, I wearied of this employ also, and therefore devised day and night how I might most cleverly escape--and that the more because 'twas now springtime. So to accomplish this I undertook the work of clearing away the guts of sheep and oxen, with heaps of which our quarters were surrounded, so that they should no longer cause so foul a smell: and this the colonel approved. And being busied with this, I stayed outside altogether, and when it was dark slipped away to the nearest wood.
Chap. xvi.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS FOUND GOODLY SPOILS, AND HOW HE BECAME A THIEVISH BROTHER OF THE WOODS
Yet to all appearance my condition grew worse and worse the further I went; yea, so grievous that I conceived I was born but for misfortune: for I was but a few miles distant from the Croats when I was caught by highwaymen, which, without doubt, thought they had captured in me somewhat of value, for by reason of the dark night they could not see my fool's coat, and forthwith bade two of their number take me to their trysting-place in the forest. So when they had brought me thither, and 'twas still pitch-dark, one fellow would at once have money from me: to which end he laid aside his gauntlets and his fire-arms and began to search me, asking, "Who art thou? Hast thou money?"
Yet so soon as he was ware of my hairy clothing and the long asses' ears on my cap, which he took for horns, and at the same time perceived the shining sparks which the hides of beasts do commonly shew when they are stroked in the dark, he was so terrified that he shrank into himself. That did I presently mark: so before he could recover himself or devise aught, I stroked down my hide with both hands to such good purpose that it glittered as if I had been stuffed full of burning sulphur, and then I answered him in a terrible voice, "I am the devil, and I will break thy neck and thy fellow's too."
Which so terrified both that they fled through the thicket as swiftly as if the fires of hell were pursuing them; yea, though they dashed themselves against sticks and stones and trunks of trees, and yet more often tumbled, they were up again with all speed. So they went on till I could hear them no longer; while I laughed so loud that it echoed through the whole forest, which, without doubt, in that dark wilderness was horrible to hear.
Now when I would be gone I tripped over the musket; and that I took for myself, for already I had learned from the Croats how to manage fire-arms: then as I walked on I came upon a knapsack which, like my coat, was made of calf-skin: that too I took up, and found that a cartridge-pouch, well stored with powder and shot and all appurtenance, hung below it. All this I hung on me, took the musket on my shoulder like a soldier, and hid myself not far off in a thicket, intending to sleep there awhile; but at daybreak came the whole crew to the spot, searching for the musket that was lost and the knapsack: so I pricked up mine ears like a fox and kept still as a mouse; and when they found nothing they mocked at those two that had fled before me. "Shame," said they, "ye craven fools: shame on your very heart that ye could so suffer yourselves to be frighted and chased, and have your arms taken by a single man." Yet one fellow swore the devil should take him if 'twere not the devil himself: his horns and his hairy hide he had well perceived; and the other waxed angry and said, "It may have been the devil or his dam, if I had but my knapsack back again." Then one of them whom I took to be their captain answered him; and says he, "What thinkest thou the devil should do with thy knapsack and thy musket? I would wager my neck the rascal that ye so shamefully let go hath taken both with him." Yet another took the contrary part, and said it might well happen that some countrymen had since passed that way who had found the things and taken them: and in the end all approved this, and 'twas believed by all the band they had had the devil himself in their hands, especially because the fellow that would search me in the darkness not only swore the same with horrid oaths, but also was able powerfully to describe and to magnify the rough and glittering skin and the two horns as certain signs of the devil's quality. Nay, I do conceive that had I shewn myself again unawares the whole band would have run. So at last, when they had sought long enough and had found nothing, they went on their way again: but I opened the knapsack to make my breakfast thereof, and at the first trial I brought out a pouch in which were some 360 ducats. And that I rejoiced thereat none need question, yet may the reader be assured that the knapsack pleased me yet more than this fine sum of money, since I found it well stored with provisions. And as such yellow-boys are far too sparsely strewn among common soldiers for them to take such with them on a raid, I judge that the fellow must have just snapped up these on that very excursion, and quickly whipped them into his knapsack that he might not be compelled to share them with the rest.
Thereupon I made a cheerful breakfast, and found too a merry little spring, at which I refreshed myself and counted my fine ducats. And if my life depended thereon, to say, in what land or place I then found myself, I could not tell. And first I stayed in the wood as long as my food lasted, with which I dealt right sparingly: then when my knapsack was empty, hunger drove me to the farmers' houses. And there I crept by night into cellar and kitchen and took what food I found and could carry off; and this I conveyed away to the wildest part of the wood. And so I led a hermit's life as before, save that I stole much and therefore prayed less, and had, moreover, no fixed abode, but wandered now here, now there. 'Twas well for me indeed that it was now the beginning of summer, though I could kindle a fire with my musket whenever I would.
Chap. xvii.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS PRESENT AT A DANCE OF WITCHES
During these my wanderings there met me once and again in the woods different country-folk, who at all times fled from me. I know not if the cause was that they were by reason of the war turned so timid and were so hunted, and never left in peace in one place, or whether the highwaymen had spread abroad in the land the adventure they had had with me, so that all which saw me thereafter believed the evil one was of a truth prowling about in that part. But for this reason I must needs fear lest my provisions should fail and so I be brought to the uttermost misery; for then must I begin again to eat roots and herbs, to which I was no longer accustomed. As I pondered on this I heard two men cutting of wood, which rejoiced me mightily. So I followed the sound of the blows, and when I came in sight of the men I took a handful of ducats out of my pouch and, creeping nearer to them, shewed them the alluring gold and cried, "My masters, if ye will but wait for me I will give you this handful of gold." But as soon as they saw me and my gold, at once they took to their heels, and left their mallets and wedges together with their bag of bread and cheese; with this I filled my knapsack, and so betook myself back to the wood, doubting if in my life I should ever come to the company of men again. So after long pondering thereupon, I thought, "Who knoweth what may chance to thee? Thou hast money, and if thou comest in safety with it to honest folk, thou canst live on it a long while." So it came into my head to sew it up; and to that end I made, out of my asses' ears which made the folk so fly from me, two armlets, and companying my Hanau ducats with those of the banditti, I packed all together into these armlets and bound them on mine arms above the elbow. And now, as I had thus secured my treasure, I attacked the farms again, and got from them what I needed and what I could snap up. And though I was but simple, yet I was sly enough never to come a second time to a place where I had stolen anything; and therefore was I very lucky in my thefts and was never caught pilfering.
It fell out at the end of May, as I sought to replenish my store by my customary yet forbidden tricks, and to that end had crept into a farmyard, that I found my way into the kitchen, but soon perceived that there were people still awake (and here note that where dogs were I wisely stayed away); so I set the kitchen door, which opened into the yard, ajar, that if any danger threatened I could at once escape, and stayed still as a mouse till I might expect the people would go to bed. But meanwhile I took note of a crack that was in the kitchen-hatch that led to the living-room; thither I crept to see if the folk would not soon go to rest; but my hopes were deceived, for they had but now put on their clothes, and in place of a light there stood a sulphurous blue flame on a bench, by the light of which they anointed sticks, brooms, pitchforks, chairs, and benches, and on these flew out of the window one after another. At this I was horribly amazed, and felt great terror; yet, as being accustomed to greater horrors, and, moreover, in my whole life having never heard nor read of witches, I thought not much of this, and that chiefly because 'twas all so done in such stillness; but when all were gone I betook myself also to the living-room, and devising what I could take with me and where to find it, in such meditation sat me down straddle-wise upon a bench; whereon I had hardly sat down when I and the bench together flew straight out of the window, and left my gun and knapsack, which I had laid aside, as pay for that magical ointment. Now my sitting down, my departure, and my descent were all in one moment, for I came, methought, in a trice to a great crowd of people; but it may be that from fear I took no count how long I took for this long journey. These folk were dancing of a wondrous dance, the like of which I saw never in my life, for they had taken hands and formed many rings within one another, with their backs turned to each other like the pictures of the Three Graces, so that all faced outwards. The inmost ring was of some seven or eight persons; the second of as many again: the third contained more than the first two put together, and so on, so that in the outermost ring there were over two hundred persons; and because one ring danced towards the right and the next towards the left, I could not see how many rings they formed, nor what was in the midst around which they danced. Yet all looked monstrous strange, because all the heads wound in and out so comically. My bench that brought me alighted beside the minstrels which stood outside the rings all round the dancers, of which minstrels some had, instead of flutes, clarinets and shawms, nothing but adders, vipers and blind-worms, on which they blew right merrily: some had cats into whose breech they blew and fingered on the tail; which sounded like to bagpiper: others fiddled on horses' skulls as on the finest violins, and others played the harp upon a cow's skeleton such as lie in the slaughter-house yards: one was there, too, that had a bitch under his arm, on whose tail he fiddled and fingered on the teats; and throughout all the devils trumpeted with their noses till the whole wood resounded therewith: and when the dance was at an end, that whole hellish crew began to rave, to scream, to rage, to howl, to rant, to ramp, and to roar as they were all mad and lunatic. And now can any man think into what terror and fear I fell.
In this tumult there came to me a fellow that had under his arm a monstrous toad, full as big as a kettledrum, whose guts were dragged out through its breech and stuffed into its mouth, which looked so filthy that I was fit to vomit at it. "Lookye, Simplicissimus," says he, "I know thou beest a good lute-player: let us hear a tune from thee." But I was so terrified (because the rogue called me by name) that I fell flat: and with that terror I grew dumb, and fancied I lay in an evil dream, and earnestly I prayed in my heart I might awake from it. Now the fellow with the toad, whom I stared at all the time, went on thrusting his nose out and in like a turkey-cock, till at last it hit me on the breast, so that I was near choked. Then in a wink 'twas all pitch-dark, and I so dismayed at the heart that I fell on the ground and crossed myself a good hundred times or more.
Chap. xviii.: DOTH PROVE THAT NO MAN CAN LAY TO SIMPLICISSIMUS' CHARGE THAT HE DOTH DRAW THE LONG BOW
Now since there be some, and indeed some learned folk among them, that believe not that there be witches and sorcerers, still less that they can fly from place to place in the air, therefore am I sure there will be some to say that here the good Simplicissimus draws the long bow. With such folk I cannot argue; for since brag is become no longer an art, but nowadays wellnigh the commonest trade, I may not deny that I could practise this if I would; for an I could not, I were the veriest fool. But they that deny the witches' gallop to be true, let them but think of Simon the Magician, which was by the evil spirit raised aloft into the air, and at the prayer of St. Peter fell again to earth. Nicolas Remigius, which was an honest, learned, and understanding man, who in the Duchy of Lorraine caused to be burned a good many more than a half-dozen of witches, tells us of John of Hembach, that his mother (which same was a witch) in the sixteenth year of his age took him with her to their assembly, that he might play to them as they danced--for he had learned to play the fife. That to that end he mounted on a tree, piped to them and earnestly gazed upon the dancers (and that maybe because he marvelled so at it all). But at last, "God help us;" says he, "whence cometh all this mad and foolish folk?" And hardly had he said that word when down he fell from the tree, twisted his shoulder, and called for help. But there was nobody there but himself.
When this was noised abroad, most held it for a fable, till a little after Catherine Prévost was arrested for witchcraft, who had been at the said dance: so she confessed all even as it had happened, save that she knew naught of the cry that Hembach had uttered. Majolus tells us of a servant that had been too common with his mistress, and of an adulterer that took his paramour's ointment-boxes and smeared himself with the same, and so both came to the witches' Sabbath. So likewise they tell of a farm-servant that arose early to grease his waggon; but because he had taken the wrong pot of ointment in the dark, that waggon rose into the air and must be dragged down again. Olaus Magnus tells us of Hading, King of Denmark; how he, being driven from his kingdom by rebels, journeyed far over the sea through the air on the Spirit of Odin, which had turned himself to the shape of a horse. So do we know well enough, and too well, how wives and wenches in Bohemia will fetch their paramours to them, on the backs of goats, by night and from a great distance. And what Torquemada in his Hexameron relateth of his schoolfellow may in his own words be read. So, too, Ghirlandus speaketh of a nobleman which, when he marked that his wife anointed herself and thereafter flew out of the house, did once on a time compel her to take him with her to the sorcerers' assembly. And when they feasted there, and there was no salt, he demanded such, and having with great pains gotten it, did cry, "God be praised, here cometh the salt!" Whereupon the lights went out and all vanished. So when now 'twas day he understood from the shepherds in that place that he was near to the town of Benevento in the kingdom of Naples, and therefore full five hundred miles from his home. And therefore, though he was rich, must he beg his way home, whither when he came he delated his wife for a witch before the magistrate, and she was burned. How Doctor Faust, too, and others, which were no enchanters, could journey through the air from one place to another is from his history sufficiently known. So I myself knew a wife and a maid (both dead at this time of writing, but the maid's father yet alive), which maid was once greasing of her mistress's shoes by the fire, and when she had finished one and set it by to grease the other, lo; the greased one flew up the chimney: which story, nevertheless, was hushed up.
All this I have set down for this reason only, that men may believe that witches and wizards do in truth at certain seasons in their proper bodies journey to these their assemblies, and not to make any man to believe that I, as I have told you, went myself to such: for to me 'tis all one whether a man believe me or not; and he that will not believe may devise for himself another way for me to have come from the lands of Fulda or Hirschfeld (for I know not myself whither I had wandered in the woods) into the Archbishopric of Magdeburg, and that in so brief a space of time.
Chap. xix.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BECAME A FOOL AGAIN AS HE HAD BEEN A FOOL BEFORE
So now I begin my history again with this: that I assure the reader that I lay on my belly till 'twas at least broad daylight; as not having the heart to stand up: therewithal I doubted whether the things I have told of were a dream or not; and though I was yet in great terror, yet was I bold enough at my waking, for I deemed I could be in no worse place than in the wild woods; and therein I had spent the most of my time since I was separated from my dad, and therefore was pretty well accustomed thereto. Now it was about nine o'clock when there came foragers, which woke me up. And now for the first time I perceived I was in the open field. So they had me with them to certain windmills, and when they had ground their corn there, to the camp before Magdeburg, where I fell to the share of a colonel of a foot-regiment, who asked me what was my story and what manner of master I had served. So I told him all to a nicety, and because I had no name for the Croats, I did but describe their clothing and gave examples of their speech, and told how I escaped from them: yet of my ducats said I nought, and what I told of my journey through the air and of the witches' dance, that they all held to be imagination and folly, and that especially because in the rest of my discourse I seemed to talk wildly. Meanwhile a crowd of folk gathered round me (for one fool makes a thousand), and among them was one that the year before had been made prisoner at Hanau and there had taken service, yet afterwards had come back to the Emperor's army: who, knowing me again, said at once, "Hoho! 'tis the commandant's calf of Hanau."
Thereupon the colonel questioned him further; but the fellow knew no more save that I could play the lute well, and that I had been captured outside the walls at Hanau by the Croats of Colonel Corpes' regiment, and, moreover, that the said commandant had been vexed at losing me; for I was a right clever fool. So then the colonel's wife sent to another colonel's wife that could play well upon the lute, and therefore always had one by her, and begged her for the loan of it: which, when it came, she handed to me with the command that I should play. But my view was they should first give me to eat; for an empty stomach accorded not well with a fat one, such as the lute had. So this was done, and when I had eaten my fill and drunk a good draught of Zerbst beer, I let them hear what I could do both with my voice and with the lute: and therewithal I talked gibberish, all that first came into my head, so that I easily persuaded the folk to believe I was of the quality that my apparel represented. Then the colonel asked me whither I would go; and I answering 'twas all one to me, we agreed thereupon that I should stay with him and be his page. Yet would he know where my asses' ears had gone. "Yea," said I to myself, "an thou knewest where they were: they would fit thee well enough." Yet was I clever enough to say naught of their properties, for all my worldly goods lay in them.
Now in a brief space I was well known to all both in the Emperor's and the Elector's camp, but specially among the ladies, who would deck my hood, my sleeves, and my short-cut ears with ribbons of all colours, so that I verily believe that certain fops copied therefrom the fashion of to-day. But all the money that was given me by the officers, that I liberally gave away and spent all to the last farthing, drinking it away with jolly companions in beer of Hamburg and Zerbst, which liquors pleased me well: and besides this, in all places wheresoever I came there was plenty of chance of spunging. But when my colonel procured for me a lute of my own (for he trusted to have me ever with him), then I could no longer rove hither and thither in the two camps, but he appointed for me a governor who should look after me, and I to obey him. And this was a man after mine own heart, for he was quiet, discreet, learned, of sufficient conversation yet not too much, and (which was the chief matter), exceeding God-fearing, well read, and full of all arts and sciences. At night I must sleep in his tent, and by day I might not go out of his sight: he had once been a counsellor and minister of a prince, and indeed a rich man; but being by the Swedes utterly ruined, his wife dead, and his only son unable to continue his studies for want of money, and therefore serving as a muster-roll clerk in the Saxon army, he took service with this my colonel, and was content to serve as a lackey, to wait until the dangerous chances of war on the banks of the Elbe should change and so the sun of his former happiness again shine upon him.
Chap. xx.: IS PRETTY LONG, AND TREATS OF PLAYING WITH DICE AND WHAT HANGS THEREBY
Now because my governor was rather old than young, therefore could he not sleep all the night through: and that was the cause that he even in the first few weeks discovered my secret; namely, that I was no such fool as I gave out, of which he had before observed somewhat, and had conceived such a judgment from my face, for he was skilled in physiognomia. Once I awoke at midnight, and having divers thoughts upon my life and its strange adventures, rose up, and by way of gratitude recounted all the benefits that God had done unto me, and all the dangers from which He had rescued me: then I lay down again with deep sighing and slept soundly till day.
All this my governor heard, yet made as if he were sound asleep; and this happened several nights running, until he had fully convinced himself I had more understanding than many an older man who fancied himself to be somewhat. Yet he spake thereof nought to me in our hut, because it had walls too thin, and because he for certain reasons would not have it that as yet (and before he was assured of my innocence) any one else should know this secret. Once on a time I went to take the air outside the camp, and this he gladly allowed, because he had then the opportunity to come to look for me, and so the occasion to speak with me alone. So, as he wished, he found me in a lonely place, where indeed I was giving audience to my thoughts, and says he: "Good and dear friend, 'tis because I seek for thy welfare that I rejoice to be able to speak with thee alone. I know thou art no fool as thou pretendest, and that thou hast no desire to continue in this miserable and despised state. If now thou holdest thy welfare dear and wilt trust to me as to a man of honour, and so canst tell me plainly the condition of thy fortunes, so will I for my part, whenever I can, be ready with word and deed to help thee out of this fool's coat."
So thereupon I fell upon his neck, and so carried myself as he had been a prophet to release me from my fool's cap: and sitting both down upon the ground, I told him my whole story. Then he examined my hands, and wondered both at the strange events which had befallen me and those which were to come: yet would in no wise counsel me to lay aside my fool's coat in haste, for he said that by means of palmistry he could see that my fate threatened me with imprisonment which should bring me danger of life and limb. So I thanked him for his good will and his counsel, and asked of God that He would reward him for his good faith, and of himself that he would be and ever remain my true friend and father.
So we rose up and came to the gaming-place, where men tilt with the dice, and loudly they cursed with all the blood and thunder, wounds and damnation that they could lay their tongues to. The place was wellnigh as big as the Old Market at Cologne, spread with cloaks and furnished with tables, and those full of gamesters: and every company had its four-cornered thieves' bones, on which they hazarded their luck; for share their money they must, and give it to one and take it from another. So likewise every cloak or table had its coupier (croupier I should have said, and might well have said[15]"cooperer"), whose office 'twas to be judges and to see that none was cheated; they too lent the cloaks and tables and dice, and contrived so well to get their hire out of the winnings that they generally got the chief share: yet it bred them no advantage, for commonly they gamed it away again, or when it was best laid out, 'twas the sutler or the barber-surgeon that had it--for there were many broken heads to mend.
At these fools one might well wonder, how they all thought to win, which was impossible, even if they had played at another's[16]risk: and though all hoped for this, yet the cry was, the more players the more skill; for each thought on his own luck; and so it happened that some hit and some missed, some won and some lost. Thereupon some cursed, some roared; some cheated and others were jockeyed--whereat the winners laughed and the losers gnashed their teeth: some sold their clothes and all they valued most, and others again won even that money from them: some wanted honest dice, and others, on the contrary part, would have false ones, and brought in such secretly, which again others threw away, broke in two, bit with their teeth, and tore the croupiers' cloaks. Among the false dice were Dutch ones, that one must cast with a good spin; for these had the sides, whereon the fives and sixes were, as sharp as the back of the wooden horse on which soldiers be punished: others were High German, to which a man must in casting give the Bavarian swing. Some were of stag's-horn, light above and heavy below. Others were loaded with quicksilver or lead, and others, again, with split hairs, sponge, chaff, and charcoal: some had sharp corners, others had them pared quite away: some were long like logs and some broad like tortoises. All which kinds were made but for cheating: and what they were made for, that they did, whether they were thrown with a swing or trickled on to the board, and no coupling of them was of any avail; to say nothing of those that had two fives or two sixes or, on the other hand, two aces or two deuces. With these thieves' bones they stole, filched, and plundered each other's goods, which they themselves perchance had stolen, or at least with danger to life and limb, or other grievous trouble and labour, had won.
So as I stood there and looked upon the gaming-place and the gamesters in their folly, my governor asked me how the thing pleased me. Then answered I: "That men can so grievously curse God pleases me not: but for the rest, I leave it for what 'tis worth as a matter unknown to me, and of which I as yet understand nought." "Know then," said my governor, "that this is the worst and vilest place in the whole camp, for here men seek one another's money and lose their own in doing so. And whoso doth but set a foot here, with intent to play, hath already broken the tenth commandment, which saith, 'Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's goods.'" And says he, "An thou play and win, specially by deceit and false dice, then thou transgressest the seventh and eighth commandments. Yea, it may well happen that thou committest murder on him from whom thou hast won his money, as, for example, if his loss is so great that by reason of it he come into poverty and into utter need and recklessness, or else fall into other foul vices: nor will this plea help thee, that thou sayest, 'I did risk mine own and won honestly.' Thou rogue, thou camest to the gaming-place with this intent, to grow rich through another's loss. And if thou lose, thou art not excused with the punishment of losing thine own, but, like the rich man in the parable, thou must answer it sorely to God that thou so uselessly hast squandered that which He lent thee for the support of thee and thine. Whosoever goeth to the gaming-place to play, the same committeth himself to the danger of losing therein, not only his money, but his body and his life also; yea, what is most terrible of all, there can he lose his own soul. I tell thee this as news, my friend Simplicissimus (because thou sayest gaming is unknown to thee), that thou mayest be on thy guard against it all thy life long." So I answered him: "Dear sir," said I, "if gaming be so terrible and dangerous a thing, wherefore do our superiors allow it?" My governor answered: "I will not say 'twas because our officers themselves take part therein, but for this reason, that the soldiers will not--yea, cannot--do without it; for whosoever hath once given himself over to gaming, or whomsoever the habit or, rather, the devil of play hath seized upon, the same is by little and little (whether he win or lose) so set upon it that he can easier do without his natural sleep than that: as we see that some will rattle the dice the whole night through and will neglect the best of food and drink if they can but play--yea, even if they must go home shirtless. Yet this gaming hath already been forbidden at divers times on pain of loss of life and limb, and at the command of headquarters hath been punished with an iron hand, through the means of provost-marshals, hangmen, and their satellites--openly and violently. Yet 'twas all in vain; for the gamesters betook themselves to secret corners and behind hedges, won each other's money, quarrelled, and brake each others' necks thereupon: so that to prevent such murders and homicides, and specially because many would game away their arms and horse, yea, even their poor rations of food, therefore now 'tis not only publicly allowed, but this particular place is appointed therefore, that the mainguard may be at hand to prevent any harm that might happen: yet they cannot always hinder that one or the other fall not dead on the spot. And inasmuch as this gaming is the tormenting devil's own device, and bringeth him no small gain, therefore hath he ordained especial gaming-devils, that prowl around in the world and have naught else to do but to tempt men to play. To these divers wanton companions bind themselves by certain pacts and agreements, that the devil may suffer them to win: yet can a man among ten thousand gamesters scarce find a rich one: nay, on the contrary part, they are poor and needy because their winnings are lightly esteemed, and therefore either gambled away again or wasted in vile pleasures. Hence is derived that true yet sad saying, 'The devil never leaveth the gamester, yet leaveth him ever poor,' for he taketh from them goods, courage, and honour, and then quitteth them no more (except God's infinite mercy save them) till he have made an end of their souls. Yea, and should there be a gamester of so merry a heart by nature and so sprightly that by no ill-luck or loss he can be brought to despair, to recklessness, and all the accursed sins that spring therefrom, then doth the sly and cunning fiend suffer him to win mightily, that in the end he may, by waste and pride and gluttony and drunkenness and loose life, bring him into his net." Thereat I crossed myself and blessed myself to think that in a Christian army such things should be allowed which the devil himself invented, and specially because visibly and palpably such damage and harm for this world and the next followed therefrom. Yet my governor said all that he had told me was as yet nought; for he who would undertake to describe all the harm that came from gaming would begin an impossible task. For as men say, so soon as the hazard is thrown 'tis now in the devil's hands, so should I fancy that with every die, as it rolled from the player's hand upon cloak or table, there ran a little devil, to guide it and make it shew as many points as his master's interest demanded. And further, I should reflect that 'twas not for nought that the devil entered into the game so heartily, but doubtless because he contrived to make fine gains out of it himself. "And with that note thou further," says he, "that just as there are wont to stand by the gaming-place certain chafferers and Jews, which buy from the players at cheap rate what they have won, as rings, apparel or jewels, or are ready to change such for money for them to game away, so also there be devils walking to and fro, that they may arouse and foster thoughts that may destroy the souls in the gamesters that have ceased to play, be they winners or losers. For the winners the devil will build terrible castles in the air; but into them that have lost, whose spirit is already quite distraught and therefore the more apt to receive his harmful counsels, he instilleth, doubtless, such thoughts and designs as can but tend to their eternal ruin. Yea, I assure thee, Simplicissimus, I am of the mind to write a book hereupon so soon as I can come in peace to my own again. And in that I will describe first the loss of precious time, which is squandered to no purpose in gaming, and no less the fearful curses with which men blaspheme God over their gaming-tables. Then will I likewise recount the taunts with which men provoke one another, and will adduce many fearful examples and stories which have happened in, during, and after play: and there will I not forget the duels and homicides that have happened by reason of gaming. Yea, I will portray in their true colours set before men's eyes the greed, the rage, the envy, the jealousy, the falsehood, the deceit, the covetousness, the thievery, and, in a word all the senseless follies both of dicers and of card-players; that they who read this book but once, may conceive such a horror of gaming as if they had drunk sows' milk (which folk are wont to give to gamesters without their knowledge, to cure their madness). So will I shew to all Christendom that the dear God is more blasphemed by a single regiment of gamesters than by a whole army with their curses." And this project I praised, and wished him the opportunity to carry it out.
Chap. xxi.: IS SOMEWHAT SHORTER AND MORE ENTERTAINING THAN THE LAST
Now my governor grew more and more kindly disposed to me, and I to him, yet kept we our friendship very secret: 'tis true I acted still as a fool, yet I played no bawdy tricks or buffooneries, so that my carriage and conduct were indeed simple enough yet rather witty than witless. My colonel, who had a mighty liking for the chase, took me with him once when he went out to catch partridges with the draw-net, which invention pleased me hugely. But because the dog we had was so hot that he would spring for the birds before we could pull the strings, and so we could catch but little, therefore I counselled the colonel to couple the bitch with a falcon or an osprey (as men do with horses and asses when they would have mules), that the young puppies might have wings, and so could with them catch the birds in the air. I proposed also, since it went right sleepily with the conquest of Magdeburg, which we then besieged, to make ready a long rope as thick as a wine-cask, and encompassing the whole town therewith, to harness thereto all the men and all the cattle in the two camps, and so in one day pull the whole city head over heels. Of such foolish quips and fantasies I devised every day an abundance, for 'twas my trade, and none ever found my workshop empty. And for this my master's secretary, which was an evil customer and a hardened rogue, gave me matter enough, whereby I was kept on the road which fools be wont to walk: for whatsoever this mocker told me, that I not only believed myself but told it to others, whenas I conversed with them, and the discourse turned on that subject.
So when I asked him once what our regimental chaplain was, since he was distinguished from other folk by his apparel, "that," says he, "is masterDicis et non facis, which is, being interpreted into German, a fellow that gives wives to others and takes none himself. He is the bitter enemy of thieves because they say not what they do, but he doth not what he says: likewise the thieves love him not because they be commonly hanged even then when their acquaintance with him is at its best." So when I afterwards addressed the good priest by that name, he was laughed at and I was held to be a rogue as well as a fool, and at his request well basted. Further, the secretary persuaded me they had pulled down and set on fire all the houses behind the walls of Prague, that the sparks and ashes might sow all over the world the seeds of evil weeds: so, too, he said that among soldiers no brave heroes and hearty fighters ever went to heaven, but only simple creatures, malingerers, and the like, that were content with their pay: likewise no elegant a la mode cavaliers, and sprightly ladies, but only patient Jobs, henpecked husbands, tedious monks, melancholy parsons, devout women, and all manner of outcasts which in this world are good neither to bake nor to boil, and young children. He told me too a lying story of how hosts were called innkeepers only because in their business they endeavoured to keep in with both God and the devil. And of war he told me that at times golden bullets were used, and the more precious such were, the more damage they did. "Yea," said he, "and a whole army with artillery, ammunition, and baggage-train can be so led by a golden chain." Further, he persuaded me that of women more than half wore breeches, though one could not see them, and that many, though they were no enchantresses and no goddesses as was Diana, yet could conjure bigger horns on to their husbands' heads than ever Actaeon wore. In all which I believed him: so great a fool was I.
On the other hand, my governor, when he was alone with me, entertained me with far different discourse. Moreover, he brought me to know his son, who, as before mentioned, was a muster-clerk in the Saxon army, and was a man of far different quality to my colonel's secretary: for which reason my colonel not only liked him well, but thought to get him from his captain and make him his regimental secretary, on which post his own secretary before mentioned had set his mind also. With this muster-clerk, whose name, like his father's, was Ulrich Herzbruder, I struck up such a friendship that we swore eternal brotherhood, in virtue of which we would never desert each other in weal or woe, in joy or sorrow; and because this was without his father's knowledge, therefore we held more stoutly and stiffly to our vow. By this was it made our chiefest care how I might be honourably freed from my fool's coat, and how we might honestly serve one another; all which however the old Herzbruder, whom I honoured and looked to as my father, approved not, but said in so many words that if I was in haste to change my estate, such change would bring me grievous imprisonment and great danger to life and limb. And because he foretold for himself also and his son a great disgrace close at hand, he deemed, therefore, that he had reason to act more prudently and warily than to interfere in the affairs of a person whose great approaching danger he could foresee: for he was fearful he might be a sharer in my future ill luck if I declared myself, because he had long ago found out my secret and knew me inside and out, yet he never revealed my true condition to the colonel. And soon after I perceived yet better that my colonel's secretary envied my new brother desperately, as thinking he might be raised over his head to the post of regimental secretary; for I saw how at times he fretted, how ill will preyed upon him, and how he was always sighing and in deep thought whenever he looked upon the old or the young Herzbruder. Therefrom I judged he was making of calculations how he might trip and throw him. So I told to my brother, both from my faithful love to him and also as my certain duty, what I suspected, that he might a little be on his guard against this Judas. But he did but take it with a shrug, as being more than enough superior to the secretary both with sword and pen, and besides enjoying the colonel's great favour and grace.