JUST GOT MARRIED.—415.

"You gave me a candle: I give you my thanks,And add—as a compliment justly your due—There isn't a girl in these feminine ranksWho could, if she tried, hold a candle to you!"JUST GOT MARRIED.—415.The following amusing incident took place upon one of the Ohio river steamboats:—While the boat was lying at Cincinnati, just ready to start for Louisville, a young man came on board, leading a blushing damsel by the hand, and approaching the polite clerk, in a suppressed voice; "I say," he exclaimed, "me and my wife have just got married, and I'm looking for accommodations." "Looking for a berth?" hastily inquired the clerk—passing tickets out to another passenger. "Abirth! thunder and lightning, no!" gasped the astonished man; "we ha'nt but just got married; we want a place to stay all night, you know, and—and a bed."KIND AND SYMPATHETIC.—416."What is the matter, my dear?" asked a wife of her husband, who had sat half an hour with his face buried in his hands, and apparently in great tribulation. "Oh, I don't know," said he; "I have felt like a fool all day." "Well," returned the wife, consolingly, "I'm afraid you'll never be any better—you look the picture of what you feel!"HUMAN NATURE.—417.Some wise man sagely remarked, "there is a good deal of human nature in man." It crops out occasionally in boys. One of the urchins in the school-shipMassachusetts, who was quite sick, was visited by a kind lady. The little fellow was suffering acutely, and his visitor asked him if she could do anything for him. "Yes," replied the patient, "read to me." "Will you have a story?" asked the lady. "No," answered the boy; "read from the Bible; read about Lazarus;" and the lady complied. The next day the visit was repeated, and again the boy asked the lady to read. "Shall I read from the Bible?" she inquired. "Oh, no," was the reply, "I'm better to-day;read me a love story."A YOUNG LADY'S SACRIFICE.—418.A young lady has been heard to declare that she couldn't go to fight for the country, but she was willing to allow the young men to go, and die anold maid, which she thought was as great a sacrifice asanybodycould be called upon to make!POETRY AND PROSE.—419.A country editor, referring to Tupper's line, "A babe in the house is a well-spring of pleasure," says, "If it is we prefer to get water from the pump."DANIEL WEBSTER AND HIS BILLS.—420.Our readers are aware that the late Hon. Daniel Webster was not so careful in his pecuniary matters as some men, and this fault was at times taken advantage of. At onetime a man sawed a pile of wood for him, and, having presented his bill, it was promptly paid by Mr. Webster. The labourer was taken ill during the winter, and a neighbour advised him to call upon Mr. Webster for the payment of his bill. "But he has paid me," said the man. "No matter," replied his dishonest adviser, "call again with it. He don't know, and don't mind what he pays. It is a very common thing for him to pay much larger bills twice." The man got well, and carried in his account the second time. Mr. Webster looked at it, looked at the man, remembered him, but paid the bill without demurring. The fellow got "short" some three of four months afterwards, and bethought him of the generosity and loose manner of Mr. Webster in his money matters, and a third time he called and presented the bill for sawing the wood. Mr. Webster took the account, which he immediately recognized, and, scanning the wood-sawyer a moment, said: "How do you keep your books, sir?" "I keep no books" said the man, abashed. "I think you do, sir," continued Mr. Webster, with marked emphasis; "and you excel those who are satisfied with the double-entry system. You keep your books upon a triple-entry plan, I observe." Tearing up the account, Mr. Webster added: "Go, sir, and be honest hereafter. I have no objection to paying these little bills twice, but I cannot pay them three times. You may retire." The man left the room, feeling as though he was suffocating for want of air. He had learned a lesson that lasted through life.KEEPING A SECRET.—421.Of the descendants of the Pilgrims there once lived an old man, who, unlike nearly all his brethren, had no particular respect for the clergy. Going his accustomed rounds one day, he met a reverend gentleman, who, after a few casual remarks on worldly topics, thus addressed him:—"Mr. Brown, you have lived long; very few attain your age. Would it not be the part of wisdom to attend to your soul's concerns immediately? Really, it would rejoice my soul to see you at the eleventh hour become a praying Christian." "Well, now, Parson Hoyt, my Bible tells me to pray in secret." "Ah, well—yes—butdoyou pray in secret?" "Why, now, Parson Hoyt, you know if I should tell you, 'twouldn't be any secret, anyhow."MOST TOO SUDDEN.—422.An old lady, a resident of Providence, who had never ridden in the cars, was persuaded, by the combined efforts of the children, James and Mary, to accompany them on an excursion, she all the time saying that she knew something would happen. She took her seat with fear and trembling, taking hold of the arm of the seat next the passage-way. The train was late, as excursion trains are usually, and in coming round a curve the Boston express train was on the same track, both nearing each other faster than was pleasant. The momentum of each train was nearly lost, and they came together with a chuck, which pitched the old lady on her face in the passage-way between the seats. She rose to her hands, and, looking back, asked: "Jeems, do they allus stop like that?""ANY RELATIONS?"—423.The man who collects the names of soldiers for the town records of Adams was recently the questioner in the following conversation, the lady of the house replying:—"Have you any friends in the war, madam?" "No, sir." "Any relations?" "No, sir." "Do you know anybody from this neighbourhood who is in the army?" "No, sir." As he was leaving, a bright thought struck her, and she rushed to the door, exclaiming: "Oh, my husband has gone to the war!"DIDN'T CARE THEN IF HE DID.—424.A gentleman from Boston chanced to find himself among a little party of ladies away down East this summer, in the enjoyment of some innocent social play. He carelessly placed his arm about the slender waist of as pretty a damsel as Maine can boast of, when she started, and exclaimed: "Begone, sir; don't insult me!" The gentleman instantly apologized for his seeming rudeness, and assured the half-offended fair one that he did not mean to insult her. "No?" she replied, archly. "Well, if you didn't, you may do it again."NO JUSTICE IN THAT COURT.—425.A villanous specimen of humanity was brought into the Police Court before Justice Cole, of Albany, chargedwith having brutally assaulted his wife. The charge was substantiated in the clearest and most positive manner, and exhibited the most heartless cruelty on the husband's part. On his examination before the Justice, he had a good deal to say about "getting justice." "Justice!" exclaimed Squire Cole, "you can't get it here. This court has no power to hang you!"SENSATIONS OF A DOWN-EASTER.—426.It has been truly said that "we reckon the progress of our lives by sensations, not years," and an anecdote related by a friend very happily illustrates the truth of the maxim. A young man "down East" was asked his age; to which he answered—"Wal, I don't know exactly, but I have had the seven year itch three times."CHANGES.—427.A young lady, in a class studying physiology, made answer to a question put, that in six years a human body became entirely changed, so that not a particle which was in it at the commencement of the period would remain at the close of it. "Then, Miss L.," said the young tutor, "in six years you will cease to be Miss L.?" "Why, yes, sir, I suppose so," said she, very modestly looking at the floor.LONGFELLOW AND LONGWORTH.—428.One of the happiest witticisms on record is related by the Boston correspondent of theCincinnati Gazette:—"I heard the other day of abon motmade by Longfellow, the poet. Young Mr. Longworth, from your city, being introduced to him, some one present remarked upon the similarity of the first syllable of the two names. 'Yes,' said the poet, 'but in this case I fear Pope's line will apply:—"Worthmakes the man, the want of it thefellow."'"NOVEL PROPOSITION.—429.It is proposed to light the streets of a Western city with red-headed girls. In noticing the fact, a contemporary says, he'd like to play tipsy every night, and hang hold of the lamp-posts.INTERESTING ANNOUNCEMENT.—430.It is with feelings too deep for utterance, and a sense of obligation overwhelming, and of worldly consequence never before experienced, and with a heartfelt ecstacy heretofore not even dreamed of, that the junior editor of this paper announces to his friends, and the rest of mankind, that a son was born unto him on the morning of Friday last. A general reprieve is granted to all political offenders, and an earnest appeal made to those in pecuniary arrears to liquidate at the earliest convenience, as the young gentleman must be fed and clothed.EXCUSE FOR DRINKING.—431.A lady made her husband a present of a silver drinking cup, with an angel at the bottom; and when she filled it for him he used to drink it to the bottom, and she asked him why he drank every drop. "Because, duckey," he said, "I long to see the dear little angel." Upon which she had the angel taken out, and had a devil engraved at the bottom; and he drank it off just the same, and she again asked him the reason. "Why," replied he, "because I won't leave the old devil a drop."TIGHT-FISTED.—432.The account comes to us of a young man who attends church regularly, and clasps his hands so tight during praying time that he can't get them open when the contribution box comes round.EDITORS' WIVES WIELDING THE BROOM.—433.An editor says his attention was first drawn to matrimony by the skilful manner in which a pretty girl handled a broom. A brother editor says the manner in which his wife handles a broom is not so very pleasing.THE WRONG WOMAN.—434.A Jersey man was lately arrested for flogging a woman, and excused the act by saying he was near-sighted, and thought it was his wife.A JOKE BY THE PRESIDENT.—435."How do you do, Mr. Lincoln?" "Well, that reminds me of a story. As the labourer said to the bricklayer, after falling through the roof and rafters of an unfinished house, I have gone through a great deal since you saw me last."WISE LAWS—BY SAM SLICK.—436.If a woman was to put a Bramah lock on her heart, a skilful man would find his way into it, if he wanted to, I know. That contrivance is set to a particular word; find the letters that compose it, and it opens at once.If a man's sensibility is all in his palate, he can't, of course, have much in his heart.I tell you what, President, says I, seein' is believin', but it aint them that stare the most who see the best always.Thunderin' long words aint wisdom, and stopping a critter's mouth is more apt to improve his wind than his onderstandin'.Swapping facts is better than swapping horses any time.Providence requires three things of us before it will help us—a stout heart, a strong arm, and a stiff upper lip.Hope is a pleasant acquaintance, but an unsafe friend. It'll do on a pinch for a travellin' companion, but he is not the man for your banker."Don't care" won't bear friendship for fruit, and "don't know, I'm sure," won't ripen it.What a pity it is marryin' spoils courtin'.There's no pinnin' up a woman in a corner, unless she wants to be caught, that's a fact.Consait grows as nateral as the hair on one's head, but it's longer in comin' out.People have no right to make fools of themselves, unless they have no relations to blush for them.It 'aint every change that's a reform, that's a fact, and reforms 'aint always improvements.Blushin' for others is the next thing to taking a kicking from them.A DOUBLE DIFFICULTY.—437.An anti-slavery man says what the Southern Confederacy wants is the capitol, and what they can't get to take it with is the capital.WITH A QUILL.—438.A Mr. Hen has started a new paper in Iowa. He says he hopes by hard scratching to make a living for himself and his little chickens.DOUBTFUL.—439.After asking your name in the State of Arkansas, the natives are in the habit of saying, in a confidential tone, "Well, now, what war yer name before yer moved to these parts?"THE LETTER S.—440.A writer says the Americans will always have more cause to remember the S than any other letter in the alphabet, because it is the beginning of secession, and the end of Jeff. Davis.NONSENSE ABOUT LOVE.—441.What nonsense people talk about love, don't they? Sleepness nights, broken dreams, beatin' hearts, pale faces, a pinin' away to shaders, fits of absence, loss of appetite, narvous flutterin's, and all that. I haven't got the symptoms, but I'll swear to the disease. Folks take this talk, I guess, from poets; and they are miserable, mooney sort of critters; half mad and whole lazy, who would rather take a day's dream than a day's work any time, and catch rhymes as niggers catch flies, to pass time; hearts and darts; cupid and stupid; purlin' streams and pulin' dreams, and so on. It's all bunkum!—Sam Slick.WONDERFUL.—442.An exchange, recording the fall of a person into the river, says:—"It is a wonder he escaped with his life." Prentice says: "Wouldn't it have been a still greater wonder if he had escaped without it?"HARD UP.—443.Jersey man (entering a dentist's store): "Air yeou a doctor, sir?"—Dentist: "Yes. Can I do anything for you?"—Jerseyman: "Wall, no; I guess not in the way of physic. I've jest called to see if yeou don't want to buy some real, genuine, sound teeth?"—Dentist: "Well, I might want them; have you many?"—Jersey man: "I calkilate I can't say I have more'n a few, myself; but our Sal sez she has got some she'll sell, if I can strike a good bargain."—Dentist, having thought for some time, names a price, and the countryman consents.—Jersey man (taking a seat, and coolly spreading himself out): "Wall, I guess yeou may draw a dozen for the present, and I'll bring Sal to-morrow."—Dentist (looking aghast): "Why, you don't mean to sell your own teeth? They're of no use to me."—Jersey man: "Why, look here, they're no airthly use to Sal and me; for what's the use of teeth when one's nothing to eat?"MILITARY TACTICS.—444.The stratagems resorted to by the soldiers at Cairo, to smuggle liquor into their quarters, were often amusing. One day a man started out with his coffee-pot for milk. On his return, an officer suspecting him to have whisky in his can, wished to examine it, and the man satisfied him by pouring out milk. At night there was a general drunk in that soldier's quarters, ending in a fight. It was at last discovered that the man had put a little milk into the spout of his can, sealing the inside with bread, and filling the can with whisky.SETTLING THE WINE BILL.—445.An officer staying at a hotel in Washington, on asking for his bill one morning, found that a quart of wine was charged when he had but a pint. He took exceptions to the item. Landlord was incorrigible: said there never was any mistake about the wine bills. Officer paid it, and went to his room to pack his carpet-bag. Having made purchases, his bag was too full to let in an extra pair of boots. Landlord was sent for—came. Says the officer, "I can't get these boots into this d——d bag."—Landlord: "If you can't, I am sure I can't."—Officer: "Yes you can; for a man who can put a quart of wine into a pint bottle can put these boots into that bag." Landlord laughed heartily, cancelled the whole bill, and returned the amount.SMILES.—446.What a sight there is in that word—smile; for it changes colour like a chameleon. There's a vacant smile, a cold smile, a smile of approbation, a friendly smile; but, above all, a smile of love. A woman has two smiles that an angel might envy—the smile that accepts the lover before words are uttered, and the smile that lights on the first-born baby, and assures him of a mother's love.—Sam Slick.FORLORN HOPE.—447.An old maid, who had her eye a little sideways on matrimony, says:—"The curse of this war is, that it will make so many widows, who will be fierce to get married, and who know how to do it. Modest girls will stand no chance at all."ARTISTIC EXECUTION.—448.A man out West, who had a brother hanged, informed his friends in the East that his "brother on a recent occasion addressed a large public meeting, and just as he finished, the platform on which he stood gave way, and he fell and broke his neck."TALKING MATCH.—449.A talking match lately came off for five dollars a side. It continued for thirteen hours, the rivals being a Frenchman and a Kentuckian. The bystanders and judges were talked to sleep, and when they awoke in the morning they found the Frenchman dead, and the Kentuckian whispering in his ear.KISSING BY PROXY.—450.One of the deacons of a certain church in Virginia asked the Bishop if he usually kissed the bride at weddings? "Always," was the reply. "And how do you manage when the happy pair are negroes?" was the next question. "In all such cases," replied the Bishop, "the duty of kissing the lady is appointed to the deacons."EFFECTIVE REMONSTRANCE.—451.One of the boys at Camp Noble, Indiana, was put on guard one night, and reported to his captain in the morning that "He was abused by a fellow because he would not allow him to pass." "Well," said the captain, "what did you do?" "Do? why I remonstrated with him." "And to what effect?" "Well, I don't know to what effect, but the barrel of my gun is bent."LATEST DOG STORY.—452.Two dogs fell to fighting in a saw-mill. In the course of the tustle one dog went plump against a saw in rapid motion, which cut him in two instanter. The hind legs ran away, but the fore legs continued the fight, and whipped the other dog.A NOTE BY THE EDITOR.—453.The editor of a Western paper owes a bank about 1000 dollars, for which they hold his note. The defaulting wag announces it thus in his paper:—"There is a large collection of the autographs of distinguished individuals deposited for safe keeping in the cabinet of the Farmers and Merchants' Bank, each accompanied with a 'note' in the handwriting of the autographist. We learn that they have cost the bank a great deal of money. They paid over a thousand dollars of ours. We hope great care is taken to preserve those capital andinterest-ing relics, as, should they be lost, we doubt whether they could be easily collected again. Should the bank, however, be so unfortunate as to lose ours, we'll let them have another at half price, in consequence of the very hard times."DISCONSOLATE.—454.A disconsolate widower, seeing the remains of his late wife lowered into the grave, exclaimed, with tears in his eyes, "Well, I've lost hogs, and I've lost cows, but I never had anything that cut me up like this."INDUCEMENT UNNECESSARY.—455.They say that woman caused man to commit his first sin. But if she hadn't induced him to sin in eating, no doubt he would very soon have sinned of his own accord in drinking.PRETENCE.—456.Pretend you know, and half the time, if it aint as good as knowin', it will sarve the same purpose. Many a feller looks fat who is only swelled, as the Germans say.—Sam Slick."OPEN THY CUPBOARD TO ME."—457.All lonely and drear is the street, love;The "watch" is asleep on his "beat," love,And I'm dying for something to eat, love;So open thy cupboard to me.Get up from that warm feather bed, love,And bake us a cone of "corn bread," love,For I wish very much to be fed, love;So open thy cupboard to me.Oh, hasten thy lover to cram, love,With a slice of cold turkey or ham, love,For deucedly hungry I am, love;So open thy cupboard to me.The stars are beginning to "wink," love;'Tis the hour for "snacks" and for "drink," love.You've a jug of old whisky, I think, love;So open thy cupboard to me.The moon will be down before long, love,And the "night-bird" is singing his song, love;How plainly he says "mix it strong," love,And open thy cupboard to me.My feet are all wet with the dew, love,And there's nothing so nice as "hot stew," love:Then get up and make it, pray do, love,And open thy cupboard to me.The chickens are crowing for day, love,And I must soon hurry away, love;Then list to thy lover's last lay, love,And open thy cupboard to me.NATUR'S BALANCES.—458.Them that have more than their share of one thing, commonly have less of another. Where there is great strength, there 'aint apt to be much gumption. A handsome man, in a gineral way, 'aint much of a man. A beautiful bird seldom sings. Them that have genius have seldom common sense. A feller with one idea grows rich, while he who calls him a fool dies poor. The world is like a baked meat pie; the upper crust is rich, dry, and puffy; the lower crust is heavy, doughy, and underdone; the middle is not bad generally, but the smallest part of all is that which flavours the whole.—Sam Slick.AN EPIGRAM ON PRESIDENT LINCOLN.—459.By the Manes of the Murdered Murray.Abe L. is an able President,His mind has a mighty reach;Search all our cities and marts,You won't find a man with better parts,Excepting his parts of speech!AMERICAN SOIL—ITS NATURAL RICHNESS.—460.I took a handful of guano, that elixir of vegetation, and sowed a few cucumber seeds in it. Well, sir, I was considerable tired when I had done it, and so I just took a stretch for it under a great pine-tree, and took a nap. Stranger! as true as I am talking to you this here blessed minute, when I woke up, I was bound as tight as a sheep going to market on a butcher's cart, and tied fast to a tree. I thought I should never get out of that scrape; the cucumber vines had so grown and twisted round, and wound me and my legs while I was asleep! Fortunately, one arm was free, so I got out my jack knife, opened it with my teeth, and cut myself out, and off for Victoria again, hot foot. When I came into the town, says our captain to me, "Peabody, what in natur is that ere great yaller thing that's a sticking out of your pocket?" "Nothin'," sais I, looking as mazed as a puppy nine days old, when he first opens his eyes, and takes his first stare.Well, I put in my hand to feel, and I pulled out a great big ripe cucumber, a foot long, that had ripened and gone to seed there.—Sam Slick.JOHN AND THE WIDDAH.—461.It a'n't the feed—said the young man John—it's the old woman's looks when a fellah lays it in too strong. The feed's well enough. After geese have got tough, 'n' turkeys have got strong, 'n' lamb's got old, 'n' veal's pretty nigh beef, 'n' sparragrass's growin' tall 'n' slim, 'n' scattery about the head, 'n' peas are gettin' so big 'n' hard, they'd be dangerous if you fired them out of a revolver, we get hold of all them delicacies of the season. But it's too much like feedin' on live folks, and devourin' widdah's substance, to lay yourself out in the eatin' way, when a fellah's as hungry as the chap that said a turkey was too much for one, 'n' not enough for two. I can't help lookin' at the old woman. Corned-beef days she's tolerable calm; roastin'-days she worries some, 'n' keeps a sharp eye on the chap that carves. But when there's anything in the poultry line, it seems to hurt her feelin's so to see the knife goin' into the breast, and joints comin' to pieces, that ther's no comfort in eatin'. When I cut up an old fowl, and help the boarders, I always feel as if I ought to say, "Won't you have a slice of widdah?" instead of chicken.—Oliver Wendell Holmes.STRIKING RESEMBLANCE.—462.An American, speaking of his niggers, said: "Cæsar and Pompey are so much alike that you can't tell the one from the other,'specially Pompey."UNDOUBTED COURAGE.—463."Sambo, you nigger, are you afraid of work?" "Bress you, massa, I no 'fraid of work; I'll lie down and go asleep close by him side."A SIMILE.—464.A jeweller in Philadelphia advertises that he has a number of precious stones to dispose of, adding that they sparkle like the tears of a young widow.FIVE OUTS AND ONE IN.—465.A poor Yankee, upon being asked the nature of his distress, replied that he had "five outs and one in:" to wit, "outof money andoutof clothes;outat the heels andoutat the toes;outof credit, andindebt."SAM SLICK'S DESCRIPTION OF A TEETOTALLER.—466.I once travelled through all the States of Maine with one of them air chaps. He was as thin as a whippin' post. His skin looked like a blown bladder, after some of the air has leaked out—kinder wrinkled and rumpled like; and his eye as dim as a lamp that's livin' on a short allowance of ile. He put me in mind of a pair of kitchen tongs—all legs, shaft, and head, and no belly; real gander-gutted lookin' crittur; as holler as a bamboo walking-cane, and twice as yaller. He actilly looked as if he had been picked off a raft at sea, and dragged through a gimlet hole.ECLIPSING HIMSELF.—467.A Virginian tavern keeper going down to his wine cellar, by mistake went down his own throat. He did not discover the error he had committed until the candle he carried was blown out by the first inspiration he took. He described it as being very difficult to find his way up again in the dark.FAMILIAR ACQUAINTANCE.—468.An aboriginal American was asked if he had known the Bishop of Quebec? "Yes, yes." "And how did you like him?" "Oh, vastly!" "But how did you happen to know him?" "Happen to know him!Why, I ate a piece of him."PRESIDENT LINCOLN'S FIRST POLITICAL SPEECH.—469.Abraham Lincoln made his first political speech in 1832, when he was a candidate for the Illinois Legislature. His opponent had wearied the audience by a long speech, leaving Mr. L. but a short time in which to present his views. He condensed all he had to say into a few words, asfollows—"Gentlemen, Fellow-citizens: I presume you all know who I am. I am humble Abraham Lincoln. I have been solicited by many friends to become a candidate for the Legislature. My politics are short and sweet, like an old woman's dance. I am in favour of a national bank. I am in favour of the internal improvement system, and a high protective tariff. These are my sentiments and political principles. If elected, I shall be thankful; if not, it will be all the same."TAKE CARE OF YOUR BAGGAGE.—470.Travellers should be careful to entrust their baggage to proper persons only, as a gentleman, not long ago, on alighting from the train at Washington, entrusted his wife to a stranger, and she has not been heard of since.AMERICAN COMPETITION.—471.It is in the nature of an American, says one, to be always in fear lest his neighbour should arrive before him. If one hundred Americans were about to be shot, they would fight for precedence, such are their habits of competition.AMERICAN DEFINITIONS.—472.Progress of Time.—A pedler going through the land with wooden clocks.—Honesty(obsolete): A term formerly used in the case of a man who had paid for his newspapers, and the coat on his back.—Rigid Justice: A juror in a murder case fast asleep.TWO THINGS UNEXPECTED.—473.Josh Billings says: "There air 2 things in this wurld for which we air never fully prepared, and those air twins."PERPETUAL MOTION.—474.A New York Paper advertises that the owner of the perpetual motion lately exhibiting at Boston has absconded without paying the man who turned the crank in the cellar.ARTEMUS WARD ON REORGANIZATION.—475.Artemus Ward, in one of his letters, thus gives his idea of reorganization:—"I never attempted to reorganize my wife but once. I shall never attempt it again. I'd bin to a public dinner, and had allowed myself to be betrayed into drinkin' several people's health, and wishin' to make 'em as robust as possible, I continued drinkin' their healths until my own became affected. Consekens was, I presented myself at Betsy's bedside late at nite, with considerable licker concealed about my person. I had somehow got perseschum of a hosswhip on my way home, and rememberin' some cranky observashuns of Mrs. Ward's in the morin', I snapt the whip putty lively, and in a very loud voice I said, Betsy—I continued crackin' the whip over the bed—I have come to reorganize you! I dreamed that nite that sumbody laid a hosswhip over me sev'ril conseckootive times; and when I woke up I foundshehad. I haint drunk much of anythin' since, and if I ever have another reorganizin' job on hand I shall let it out."A RECEIPT IN FULL.—476.A German in New York being required to give a receipt in full, after much mental effort produced the following:—"I ish full. I wants no more money. John Swackhammer." Perhaps the sententious Tueton was full of lager beer.A SUDDEN DECLARATION.—477.A young gentleman happening to sit at church in a pew adjoining one in which sat a young lady, for whom he conceived a sudden and violent passion, was desirous of entering into a courtship on the spot, but the place not suiting a formal declaration, the exigency of the case suggested the following plan:—He politely handed his fair neighbour a Bible open, with a pin stuck in the following text:—Second Epistle of John, verse fifth—"And now I beseech thee lady, not as though I wrote a new commandment unto thee, but that which we had from the beginning, that we love one another." She returned it pointing to the second chapter of Ruth, verse tenth—"Then she fell on her face and bowed herself to the ground, and said unto him 'Why have I found grace in thine eyes, seeing that I am astranger?'" He returned the book, pointing to the thirteenth verse of the Third Epistle of St. John—"Having many things to write unto you, I would not write with paper and ink, but I trust to come unto you, and speak face to face, that our joy may be full." From the above interview a marriage took place the ensuing week.A VOCATION.—478."You're a loafer—a man without a calling," said a judge to a person arrested as a vagrant. "I beg your pardon, your honour, I have a vocation." "What is it?" "I smoke glass for eclipses, but just now it is our dull season."MAJOR DOWNING IN LONDON.—479.The Queen regretted that she could not invite me to stay to dinner, cause 'twas washin' day in the palace, and they only had a pick-up dinner.ANY BETTER THAN NONE.—480.It may be said generally of husbands, as the old woman said of hers, who had abused her to an old maid, who reproached her for being such a fool as to marry him:—"To be sure, he's not so good a husband as he should be, but he's apowerful sightbetter than none."A PRINTER'S TOAST.—481.At a printer's festival the following sentiment was offered:—"Woman, second only to the press in the dissemination of news."WASHINGTON IRVING.—482.Washington Irving's characteristic was quiet humour; mild enough, but quaint; as when he said to a gentleman who, in a thunder-storm, declined to take shelter under a tree, having promised to his father, who had been once hit, never to do so: "Oh, that makes all the difference in the world. If it is hereditary, and lightning runs in the family, you are wise."QUIZZING A WITNESS.—483.Chapman, a witty lawyer of Hartford, was busy with a case at which a lady was present, with whom he had already something to do as a witness. Her husband was present—a diminutive, meek, forbearing sort of a man—who, in the language of Mr. Chapman, "looked like a rooster just fished out of a swill barrel," while the lady was a large portly woman, evidently the better horse. As on the former occasion, she baulked on the cross-examination. The lawyer was pressing a question urgently, when she said, with vindictive fire flashing from her eyes, "Mr. Chapman, you needn't think to catch me; you tried that once before!" Putting on his most quizzical expression, he replied, "Madam, I haven't the slightest desire to catch you, and your husband looks as if he was sorry he did." The husband faintly smiled assent.A WITTY AIDE-DE-CAMP.—484.During the battle of Fredericksburg, the Confederate General Lee observed one of his aides-de-camp, a very young man, shrink every now and then, and by the motion of his body, seek to evade, if possible, the shot. "Sir," said Lee, "what do you mean? Do you think you can dodge the balls? Do you know that Napoleon lost about a hundred aides-de-camp in one campaign?" "So I've read," replied the young officer, "but I did not think you could spare so many."NATURE AND ART.—485.A worthy English agriculturist visited the great dinner-table of the Astor House Hotel, in New York, and took up the bill of fare. His eye caught up the names of its, to him, unknown dishes:—"Soupe à la Flamande"—"Soupe à la Creci"—"Langue de Boeuf piquée"—"Pieds de Cochon à la Ste. Ménéhould"—"Patés de sanglier"—"Patés à la gelée de volailles"—"Les cannelons de crème glacée." It was too much for his simple heart, and laying down the scarlet-bound volume in disgust, he cried to the waiter, "Here, my good man, I shall go back tofirst principles! Give us some beans and bacon!"THE PRESIDENT AND THE MARSHAL.—486.A devoted admirer of honest old Abe makes a very severe conundrum upon Marshal Kane. "What two characters in scripture remind us of a certain President in Washington and a certain Marshal in Baltimore?" Give it up, reader? Certainly! "Wicked Kane and righteous Abe L. (Abel)." This, of course, is a delicate allusion to the sons of Adam, who must have been Ameri-cains, since they went to fighting so soon about nothing.INSINUATING REJOINDER.—487."Why don't you get married?" said a young lady to a bachelor acquaintance who was on a visit. "I have been trying for the last ten years to find some one who would be silly enough to take me, and have not yet succeeded," was the reply. "Then you haven't been down our way," was the insinuating rejoinder.STYLING THE FIRM.—488."John, my son," said a doting father, who was about taking him into business, "what shall be the style of the new firm?"—"Well, governor," said the youth, "I don't know—but suppose we have it John H. Samplin and Father?" The old gentleman was struck with the originality of the idea, but didn't adopt it.A REMARKABLE CHAMBER-MAID.—489.A notice in an American newspaper of a steamboat explosion ended as follows:—"The captain swam ashore; so did the chamber-maid. She was insured for 15,000 dollars, and loaded with iron."SAVING THE TRUTH.—490."Do you mean to insinuate that I lie, sir?" exclaimed a fierce-looking, mustachioed gentleman to a raw Yankee, who hinted some slight scepticism as to one of his toughest statements. "No, mister, not at all—only it kind o' strikes me that you are 'tarnal savin' of truth."NIGGER EXPLANATION.—491."Where is the hoe, Sambo?"—"Wid de rake, massa."—"Well, where is the rake?"—"Wid de hoe."—"But where are they both?"—"Why, bof togeder. By golly, old massa, you 'pears to be berry 'ticular dis mornin'."A JEW D'ESPRIT.—492.Mr. Noah, a Jew, was a candidate for the office of sheriff of the city of New York, and it was objected to his election that a Jew would thus come to have the hanging of Christians. "Pretty Christians, indeed," remarked Noah, "to need hanging!"CUFF'S CABIN.—493.A gentleman riding through Virginia was overtaken by a violent thunder-storm. He took shelter in a negro's cabin, and found the water streaming through many crevices in the roof. "Why don't you mend your roof, Cuff?" he asked. "Oh, um rain so, maussa, 'can't," said the negro. "But why don't you mend it when it doesn't rain?" asked the gentleman. "Yah, maussa," said the negro, with a grin, "den um dohn want mendin'."SMALL WAISTS AND TIGHT LACING.—494."Mydear girls," said the preacher, "I like to see a small waist as well as anybody, and females with hour-glass shapes suit my fancy better than your Dutch-churn, soap-barrel, slab-sided sort of figures; but I don't want to give the credit to corsets."—Dow's Sermons.THACKERAY AND THE PIRATE'S DAUGHTER.—495.Shortly after his first landing in America, Thackeray was invited to dinner by one of the Messrs. Harper, the well-known publishing firm, whose magazine,Harper's Monthly, is a deliberate compilation from all the best English periodicals. On his introduction to Mr. Harper, Thackeray had joked with him on the American contemptfor copyright; and when he went into the drawing-room he took a little girl, whom he found playing there, on his knee, and gazing at her with feigned wonder, said in solemn tones, "And this is a pirate's daughter!"GENERAL MEADE TO GENERAL LEE.—496.The following lines were found in a Confederate soldier's note-book, on the camping-ground near Breckenridge's head-quarters, before Washington, July 17, 1864:—

"You gave me a candle: I give you my thanks,And add—as a compliment justly your due—There isn't a girl in these feminine ranksWho could, if she tried, hold a candle to you!"

The following amusing incident took place upon one of the Ohio river steamboats:—While the boat was lying at Cincinnati, just ready to start for Louisville, a young man came on board, leading a blushing damsel by the hand, and approaching the polite clerk, in a suppressed voice; "I say," he exclaimed, "me and my wife have just got married, and I'm looking for accommodations." "Looking for a berth?" hastily inquired the clerk—passing tickets out to another passenger. "Abirth! thunder and lightning, no!" gasped the astonished man; "we ha'nt but just got married; we want a place to stay all night, you know, and—and a bed."

"What is the matter, my dear?" asked a wife of her husband, who had sat half an hour with his face buried in his hands, and apparently in great tribulation. "Oh, I don't know," said he; "I have felt like a fool all day." "Well," returned the wife, consolingly, "I'm afraid you'll never be any better—you look the picture of what you feel!"

Some wise man sagely remarked, "there is a good deal of human nature in man." It crops out occasionally in boys. One of the urchins in the school-shipMassachusetts, who was quite sick, was visited by a kind lady. The little fellow was suffering acutely, and his visitor asked him if she could do anything for him. "Yes," replied the patient, "read to me." "Will you have a story?" asked the lady. "No," answered the boy; "read from the Bible; read about Lazarus;" and the lady complied. The next day the visit was repeated, and again the boy asked the lady to read. "Shall I read from the Bible?" she inquired. "Oh, no," was the reply, "I'm better to-day;read me a love story."

A young lady has been heard to declare that she couldn't go to fight for the country, but she was willing to allow the young men to go, and die anold maid, which she thought was as great a sacrifice asanybodycould be called upon to make!

A country editor, referring to Tupper's line, "A babe in the house is a well-spring of pleasure," says, "If it is we prefer to get water from the pump."

Our readers are aware that the late Hon. Daniel Webster was not so careful in his pecuniary matters as some men, and this fault was at times taken advantage of. At onetime a man sawed a pile of wood for him, and, having presented his bill, it was promptly paid by Mr. Webster. The labourer was taken ill during the winter, and a neighbour advised him to call upon Mr. Webster for the payment of his bill. "But he has paid me," said the man. "No matter," replied his dishonest adviser, "call again with it. He don't know, and don't mind what he pays. It is a very common thing for him to pay much larger bills twice." The man got well, and carried in his account the second time. Mr. Webster looked at it, looked at the man, remembered him, but paid the bill without demurring. The fellow got "short" some three of four months afterwards, and bethought him of the generosity and loose manner of Mr. Webster in his money matters, and a third time he called and presented the bill for sawing the wood. Mr. Webster took the account, which he immediately recognized, and, scanning the wood-sawyer a moment, said: "How do you keep your books, sir?" "I keep no books" said the man, abashed. "I think you do, sir," continued Mr. Webster, with marked emphasis; "and you excel those who are satisfied with the double-entry system. You keep your books upon a triple-entry plan, I observe." Tearing up the account, Mr. Webster added: "Go, sir, and be honest hereafter. I have no objection to paying these little bills twice, but I cannot pay them three times. You may retire." The man left the room, feeling as though he was suffocating for want of air. He had learned a lesson that lasted through life.

Of the descendants of the Pilgrims there once lived an old man, who, unlike nearly all his brethren, had no particular respect for the clergy. Going his accustomed rounds one day, he met a reverend gentleman, who, after a few casual remarks on worldly topics, thus addressed him:—"Mr. Brown, you have lived long; very few attain your age. Would it not be the part of wisdom to attend to your soul's concerns immediately? Really, it would rejoice my soul to see you at the eleventh hour become a praying Christian." "Well, now, Parson Hoyt, my Bible tells me to pray in secret." "Ah, well—yes—butdoyou pray in secret?" "Why, now, Parson Hoyt, you know if I should tell you, 'twouldn't be any secret, anyhow."

An old lady, a resident of Providence, who had never ridden in the cars, was persuaded, by the combined efforts of the children, James and Mary, to accompany them on an excursion, she all the time saying that she knew something would happen. She took her seat with fear and trembling, taking hold of the arm of the seat next the passage-way. The train was late, as excursion trains are usually, and in coming round a curve the Boston express train was on the same track, both nearing each other faster than was pleasant. The momentum of each train was nearly lost, and they came together with a chuck, which pitched the old lady on her face in the passage-way between the seats. She rose to her hands, and, looking back, asked: "Jeems, do they allus stop like that?"

The man who collects the names of soldiers for the town records of Adams was recently the questioner in the following conversation, the lady of the house replying:—"Have you any friends in the war, madam?" "No, sir." "Any relations?" "No, sir." "Do you know anybody from this neighbourhood who is in the army?" "No, sir." As he was leaving, a bright thought struck her, and she rushed to the door, exclaiming: "Oh, my husband has gone to the war!"

A gentleman from Boston chanced to find himself among a little party of ladies away down East this summer, in the enjoyment of some innocent social play. He carelessly placed his arm about the slender waist of as pretty a damsel as Maine can boast of, when she started, and exclaimed: "Begone, sir; don't insult me!" The gentleman instantly apologized for his seeming rudeness, and assured the half-offended fair one that he did not mean to insult her. "No?" she replied, archly. "Well, if you didn't, you may do it again."

A villanous specimen of humanity was brought into the Police Court before Justice Cole, of Albany, chargedwith having brutally assaulted his wife. The charge was substantiated in the clearest and most positive manner, and exhibited the most heartless cruelty on the husband's part. On his examination before the Justice, he had a good deal to say about "getting justice." "Justice!" exclaimed Squire Cole, "you can't get it here. This court has no power to hang you!"

It has been truly said that "we reckon the progress of our lives by sensations, not years," and an anecdote related by a friend very happily illustrates the truth of the maxim. A young man "down East" was asked his age; to which he answered—"Wal, I don't know exactly, but I have had the seven year itch three times."

A young lady, in a class studying physiology, made answer to a question put, that in six years a human body became entirely changed, so that not a particle which was in it at the commencement of the period would remain at the close of it. "Then, Miss L.," said the young tutor, "in six years you will cease to be Miss L.?" "Why, yes, sir, I suppose so," said she, very modestly looking at the floor.

One of the happiest witticisms on record is related by the Boston correspondent of theCincinnati Gazette:—"I heard the other day of abon motmade by Longfellow, the poet. Young Mr. Longworth, from your city, being introduced to him, some one present remarked upon the similarity of the first syllable of the two names. 'Yes,' said the poet, 'but in this case I fear Pope's line will apply:—

"Worthmakes the man, the want of it thefellow."'"

It is proposed to light the streets of a Western city with red-headed girls. In noticing the fact, a contemporary says, he'd like to play tipsy every night, and hang hold of the lamp-posts.

It is with feelings too deep for utterance, and a sense of obligation overwhelming, and of worldly consequence never before experienced, and with a heartfelt ecstacy heretofore not even dreamed of, that the junior editor of this paper announces to his friends, and the rest of mankind, that a son was born unto him on the morning of Friday last. A general reprieve is granted to all political offenders, and an earnest appeal made to those in pecuniary arrears to liquidate at the earliest convenience, as the young gentleman must be fed and clothed.

A lady made her husband a present of a silver drinking cup, with an angel at the bottom; and when she filled it for him he used to drink it to the bottom, and she asked him why he drank every drop. "Because, duckey," he said, "I long to see the dear little angel." Upon which she had the angel taken out, and had a devil engraved at the bottom; and he drank it off just the same, and she again asked him the reason. "Why," replied he, "because I won't leave the old devil a drop."

The account comes to us of a young man who attends church regularly, and clasps his hands so tight during praying time that he can't get them open when the contribution box comes round.

An editor says his attention was first drawn to matrimony by the skilful manner in which a pretty girl handled a broom. A brother editor says the manner in which his wife handles a broom is not so very pleasing.

A Jersey man was lately arrested for flogging a woman, and excused the act by saying he was near-sighted, and thought it was his wife.

"How do you do, Mr. Lincoln?" "Well, that reminds me of a story. As the labourer said to the bricklayer, after falling through the roof and rafters of an unfinished house, I have gone through a great deal since you saw me last."

If a woman was to put a Bramah lock on her heart, a skilful man would find his way into it, if he wanted to, I know. That contrivance is set to a particular word; find the letters that compose it, and it opens at once.

If a man's sensibility is all in his palate, he can't, of course, have much in his heart.

I tell you what, President, says I, seein' is believin', but it aint them that stare the most who see the best always.

Thunderin' long words aint wisdom, and stopping a critter's mouth is more apt to improve his wind than his onderstandin'.

Swapping facts is better than swapping horses any time.

Providence requires three things of us before it will help us—a stout heart, a strong arm, and a stiff upper lip.

Hope is a pleasant acquaintance, but an unsafe friend. It'll do on a pinch for a travellin' companion, but he is not the man for your banker.

"Don't care" won't bear friendship for fruit, and "don't know, I'm sure," won't ripen it.

What a pity it is marryin' spoils courtin'.

There's no pinnin' up a woman in a corner, unless she wants to be caught, that's a fact.

Consait grows as nateral as the hair on one's head, but it's longer in comin' out.

People have no right to make fools of themselves, unless they have no relations to blush for them.

It 'aint every change that's a reform, that's a fact, and reforms 'aint always improvements.

Blushin' for others is the next thing to taking a kicking from them.

An anti-slavery man says what the Southern Confederacy wants is the capitol, and what they can't get to take it with is the capital.

A Mr. Hen has started a new paper in Iowa. He says he hopes by hard scratching to make a living for himself and his little chickens.

After asking your name in the State of Arkansas, the natives are in the habit of saying, in a confidential tone, "Well, now, what war yer name before yer moved to these parts?"

A writer says the Americans will always have more cause to remember the S than any other letter in the alphabet, because it is the beginning of secession, and the end of Jeff. Davis.

What nonsense people talk about love, don't they? Sleepness nights, broken dreams, beatin' hearts, pale faces, a pinin' away to shaders, fits of absence, loss of appetite, narvous flutterin's, and all that. I haven't got the symptoms, but I'll swear to the disease. Folks take this talk, I guess, from poets; and they are miserable, mooney sort of critters; half mad and whole lazy, who would rather take a day's dream than a day's work any time, and catch rhymes as niggers catch flies, to pass time; hearts and darts; cupid and stupid; purlin' streams and pulin' dreams, and so on. It's all bunkum!—Sam Slick.

An exchange, recording the fall of a person into the river, says:—"It is a wonder he escaped with his life." Prentice says: "Wouldn't it have been a still greater wonder if he had escaped without it?"

Jersey man (entering a dentist's store): "Air yeou a doctor, sir?"—Dentist: "Yes. Can I do anything for you?"—Jerseyman: "Wall, no; I guess not in the way of physic. I've jest called to see if yeou don't want to buy some real, genuine, sound teeth?"—Dentist: "Well, I might want them; have you many?"—Jersey man: "I calkilate I can't say I have more'n a few, myself; but our Sal sez she has got some she'll sell, if I can strike a good bargain."—Dentist, having thought for some time, names a price, and the countryman consents.—Jersey man (taking a seat, and coolly spreading himself out): "Wall, I guess yeou may draw a dozen for the present, and I'll bring Sal to-morrow."—Dentist (looking aghast): "Why, you don't mean to sell your own teeth? They're of no use to me."—Jersey man: "Why, look here, they're no airthly use to Sal and me; for what's the use of teeth when one's nothing to eat?"

The stratagems resorted to by the soldiers at Cairo, to smuggle liquor into their quarters, were often amusing. One day a man started out with his coffee-pot for milk. On his return, an officer suspecting him to have whisky in his can, wished to examine it, and the man satisfied him by pouring out milk. At night there was a general drunk in that soldier's quarters, ending in a fight. It was at last discovered that the man had put a little milk into the spout of his can, sealing the inside with bread, and filling the can with whisky.

An officer staying at a hotel in Washington, on asking for his bill one morning, found that a quart of wine was charged when he had but a pint. He took exceptions to the item. Landlord was incorrigible: said there never was any mistake about the wine bills. Officer paid it, and went to his room to pack his carpet-bag. Having made purchases, his bag was too full to let in an extra pair of boots. Landlord was sent for—came. Says the officer, "I can't get these boots into this d——d bag."—Landlord: "If you can't, I am sure I can't."—Officer: "Yes you can; for a man who can put a quart of wine into a pint bottle can put these boots into that bag." Landlord laughed heartily, cancelled the whole bill, and returned the amount.

What a sight there is in that word—smile; for it changes colour like a chameleon. There's a vacant smile, a cold smile, a smile of approbation, a friendly smile; but, above all, a smile of love. A woman has two smiles that an angel might envy—the smile that accepts the lover before words are uttered, and the smile that lights on the first-born baby, and assures him of a mother's love.—Sam Slick.

An old maid, who had her eye a little sideways on matrimony, says:—"The curse of this war is, that it will make so many widows, who will be fierce to get married, and who know how to do it. Modest girls will stand no chance at all."

A man out West, who had a brother hanged, informed his friends in the East that his "brother on a recent occasion addressed a large public meeting, and just as he finished, the platform on which he stood gave way, and he fell and broke his neck."

A talking match lately came off for five dollars a side. It continued for thirteen hours, the rivals being a Frenchman and a Kentuckian. The bystanders and judges were talked to sleep, and when they awoke in the morning they found the Frenchman dead, and the Kentuckian whispering in his ear.

One of the deacons of a certain church in Virginia asked the Bishop if he usually kissed the bride at weddings? "Always," was the reply. "And how do you manage when the happy pair are negroes?" was the next question. "In all such cases," replied the Bishop, "the duty of kissing the lady is appointed to the deacons."

One of the boys at Camp Noble, Indiana, was put on guard one night, and reported to his captain in the morning that "He was abused by a fellow because he would not allow him to pass." "Well," said the captain, "what did you do?" "Do? why I remonstrated with him." "And to what effect?" "Well, I don't know to what effect, but the barrel of my gun is bent."

Two dogs fell to fighting in a saw-mill. In the course of the tustle one dog went plump against a saw in rapid motion, which cut him in two instanter. The hind legs ran away, but the fore legs continued the fight, and whipped the other dog.

The editor of a Western paper owes a bank about 1000 dollars, for which they hold his note. The defaulting wag announces it thus in his paper:—"There is a large collection of the autographs of distinguished individuals deposited for safe keeping in the cabinet of the Farmers and Merchants' Bank, each accompanied with a 'note' in the handwriting of the autographist. We learn that they have cost the bank a great deal of money. They paid over a thousand dollars of ours. We hope great care is taken to preserve those capital andinterest-ing relics, as, should they be lost, we doubt whether they could be easily collected again. Should the bank, however, be so unfortunate as to lose ours, we'll let them have another at half price, in consequence of the very hard times."

A disconsolate widower, seeing the remains of his late wife lowered into the grave, exclaimed, with tears in his eyes, "Well, I've lost hogs, and I've lost cows, but I never had anything that cut me up like this."

They say that woman caused man to commit his first sin. But if she hadn't induced him to sin in eating, no doubt he would very soon have sinned of his own accord in drinking.

Pretend you know, and half the time, if it aint as good as knowin', it will sarve the same purpose. Many a feller looks fat who is only swelled, as the Germans say.—Sam Slick.

All lonely and drear is the street, love;The "watch" is asleep on his "beat," love,And I'm dying for something to eat, love;So open thy cupboard to me.Get up from that warm feather bed, love,And bake us a cone of "corn bread," love,For I wish very much to be fed, love;So open thy cupboard to me.Oh, hasten thy lover to cram, love,With a slice of cold turkey or ham, love,For deucedly hungry I am, love;So open thy cupboard to me.The stars are beginning to "wink," love;'Tis the hour for "snacks" and for "drink," love.You've a jug of old whisky, I think, love;So open thy cupboard to me.The moon will be down before long, love,And the "night-bird" is singing his song, love;How plainly he says "mix it strong," love,And open thy cupboard to me.My feet are all wet with the dew, love,And there's nothing so nice as "hot stew," love:Then get up and make it, pray do, love,And open thy cupboard to me.The chickens are crowing for day, love,And I must soon hurry away, love;Then list to thy lover's last lay, love,And open thy cupboard to me.

All lonely and drear is the street, love;The "watch" is asleep on his "beat," love,And I'm dying for something to eat, love;So open thy cupboard to me.

Get up from that warm feather bed, love,And bake us a cone of "corn bread," love,For I wish very much to be fed, love;So open thy cupboard to me.

Oh, hasten thy lover to cram, love,With a slice of cold turkey or ham, love,For deucedly hungry I am, love;So open thy cupboard to me.

The stars are beginning to "wink," love;'Tis the hour for "snacks" and for "drink," love.You've a jug of old whisky, I think, love;So open thy cupboard to me.

The moon will be down before long, love,And the "night-bird" is singing his song, love;How plainly he says "mix it strong," love,And open thy cupboard to me.

My feet are all wet with the dew, love,And there's nothing so nice as "hot stew," love:Then get up and make it, pray do, love,And open thy cupboard to me.

The chickens are crowing for day, love,And I must soon hurry away, love;Then list to thy lover's last lay, love,And open thy cupboard to me.

Them that have more than their share of one thing, commonly have less of another. Where there is great strength, there 'aint apt to be much gumption. A handsome man, in a gineral way, 'aint much of a man. A beautiful bird seldom sings. Them that have genius have seldom common sense. A feller with one idea grows rich, while he who calls him a fool dies poor. The world is like a baked meat pie; the upper crust is rich, dry, and puffy; the lower crust is heavy, doughy, and underdone; the middle is not bad generally, but the smallest part of all is that which flavours the whole.—Sam Slick.

By the Manes of the Murdered Murray.

Abe L. is an able President,His mind has a mighty reach;Search all our cities and marts,You won't find a man with better parts,Excepting his parts of speech!

I took a handful of guano, that elixir of vegetation, and sowed a few cucumber seeds in it. Well, sir, I was considerable tired when I had done it, and so I just took a stretch for it under a great pine-tree, and took a nap. Stranger! as true as I am talking to you this here blessed minute, when I woke up, I was bound as tight as a sheep going to market on a butcher's cart, and tied fast to a tree. I thought I should never get out of that scrape; the cucumber vines had so grown and twisted round, and wound me and my legs while I was asleep! Fortunately, one arm was free, so I got out my jack knife, opened it with my teeth, and cut myself out, and off for Victoria again, hot foot. When I came into the town, says our captain to me, "Peabody, what in natur is that ere great yaller thing that's a sticking out of your pocket?" "Nothin'," sais I, looking as mazed as a puppy nine days old, when he first opens his eyes, and takes his first stare.Well, I put in my hand to feel, and I pulled out a great big ripe cucumber, a foot long, that had ripened and gone to seed there.—Sam Slick.

It a'n't the feed—said the young man John—it's the old woman's looks when a fellah lays it in too strong. The feed's well enough. After geese have got tough, 'n' turkeys have got strong, 'n' lamb's got old, 'n' veal's pretty nigh beef, 'n' sparragrass's growin' tall 'n' slim, 'n' scattery about the head, 'n' peas are gettin' so big 'n' hard, they'd be dangerous if you fired them out of a revolver, we get hold of all them delicacies of the season. But it's too much like feedin' on live folks, and devourin' widdah's substance, to lay yourself out in the eatin' way, when a fellah's as hungry as the chap that said a turkey was too much for one, 'n' not enough for two. I can't help lookin' at the old woman. Corned-beef days she's tolerable calm; roastin'-days she worries some, 'n' keeps a sharp eye on the chap that carves. But when there's anything in the poultry line, it seems to hurt her feelin's so to see the knife goin' into the breast, and joints comin' to pieces, that ther's no comfort in eatin'. When I cut up an old fowl, and help the boarders, I always feel as if I ought to say, "Won't you have a slice of widdah?" instead of chicken.—Oliver Wendell Holmes.

An American, speaking of his niggers, said: "Cæsar and Pompey are so much alike that you can't tell the one from the other,'specially Pompey."

"Sambo, you nigger, are you afraid of work?" "Bress you, massa, I no 'fraid of work; I'll lie down and go asleep close by him side."

A jeweller in Philadelphia advertises that he has a number of precious stones to dispose of, adding that they sparkle like the tears of a young widow.

A poor Yankee, upon being asked the nature of his distress, replied that he had "five outs and one in:" to wit, "outof money andoutof clothes;outat the heels andoutat the toes;outof credit, andindebt."

I once travelled through all the States of Maine with one of them air chaps. He was as thin as a whippin' post. His skin looked like a blown bladder, after some of the air has leaked out—kinder wrinkled and rumpled like; and his eye as dim as a lamp that's livin' on a short allowance of ile. He put me in mind of a pair of kitchen tongs—all legs, shaft, and head, and no belly; real gander-gutted lookin' crittur; as holler as a bamboo walking-cane, and twice as yaller. He actilly looked as if he had been picked off a raft at sea, and dragged through a gimlet hole.

A Virginian tavern keeper going down to his wine cellar, by mistake went down his own throat. He did not discover the error he had committed until the candle he carried was blown out by the first inspiration he took. He described it as being very difficult to find his way up again in the dark.

An aboriginal American was asked if he had known the Bishop of Quebec? "Yes, yes." "And how did you like him?" "Oh, vastly!" "But how did you happen to know him?" "Happen to know him!Why, I ate a piece of him."

Abraham Lincoln made his first political speech in 1832, when he was a candidate for the Illinois Legislature. His opponent had wearied the audience by a long speech, leaving Mr. L. but a short time in which to present his views. He condensed all he had to say into a few words, asfollows—"Gentlemen, Fellow-citizens: I presume you all know who I am. I am humble Abraham Lincoln. I have been solicited by many friends to become a candidate for the Legislature. My politics are short and sweet, like an old woman's dance. I am in favour of a national bank. I am in favour of the internal improvement system, and a high protective tariff. These are my sentiments and political principles. If elected, I shall be thankful; if not, it will be all the same."

Travellers should be careful to entrust their baggage to proper persons only, as a gentleman, not long ago, on alighting from the train at Washington, entrusted his wife to a stranger, and she has not been heard of since.

It is in the nature of an American, says one, to be always in fear lest his neighbour should arrive before him. If one hundred Americans were about to be shot, they would fight for precedence, such are their habits of competition.

Progress of Time.—A pedler going through the land with wooden clocks.—Honesty(obsolete): A term formerly used in the case of a man who had paid for his newspapers, and the coat on his back.—Rigid Justice: A juror in a murder case fast asleep.

Josh Billings says: "There air 2 things in this wurld for which we air never fully prepared, and those air twins."

A New York Paper advertises that the owner of the perpetual motion lately exhibiting at Boston has absconded without paying the man who turned the crank in the cellar.

Artemus Ward, in one of his letters, thus gives his idea of reorganization:—"I never attempted to reorganize my wife but once. I shall never attempt it again. I'd bin to a public dinner, and had allowed myself to be betrayed into drinkin' several people's health, and wishin' to make 'em as robust as possible, I continued drinkin' their healths until my own became affected. Consekens was, I presented myself at Betsy's bedside late at nite, with considerable licker concealed about my person. I had somehow got perseschum of a hosswhip on my way home, and rememberin' some cranky observashuns of Mrs. Ward's in the morin', I snapt the whip putty lively, and in a very loud voice I said, Betsy—I continued crackin' the whip over the bed—I have come to reorganize you! I dreamed that nite that sumbody laid a hosswhip over me sev'ril conseckootive times; and when I woke up I foundshehad. I haint drunk much of anythin' since, and if I ever have another reorganizin' job on hand I shall let it out."

A German in New York being required to give a receipt in full, after much mental effort produced the following:—"I ish full. I wants no more money. John Swackhammer." Perhaps the sententious Tueton was full of lager beer.

A young gentleman happening to sit at church in a pew adjoining one in which sat a young lady, for whom he conceived a sudden and violent passion, was desirous of entering into a courtship on the spot, but the place not suiting a formal declaration, the exigency of the case suggested the following plan:—He politely handed his fair neighbour a Bible open, with a pin stuck in the following text:—Second Epistle of John, verse fifth—"And now I beseech thee lady, not as though I wrote a new commandment unto thee, but that which we had from the beginning, that we love one another." She returned it pointing to the second chapter of Ruth, verse tenth—"Then she fell on her face and bowed herself to the ground, and said unto him 'Why have I found grace in thine eyes, seeing that I am astranger?'" He returned the book, pointing to the thirteenth verse of the Third Epistle of St. John—"Having many things to write unto you, I would not write with paper and ink, but I trust to come unto you, and speak face to face, that our joy may be full." From the above interview a marriage took place the ensuing week.

"You're a loafer—a man without a calling," said a judge to a person arrested as a vagrant. "I beg your pardon, your honour, I have a vocation." "What is it?" "I smoke glass for eclipses, but just now it is our dull season."

The Queen regretted that she could not invite me to stay to dinner, cause 'twas washin' day in the palace, and they only had a pick-up dinner.

It may be said generally of husbands, as the old woman said of hers, who had abused her to an old maid, who reproached her for being such a fool as to marry him:—"To be sure, he's not so good a husband as he should be, but he's apowerful sightbetter than none."

At a printer's festival the following sentiment was offered:—"Woman, second only to the press in the dissemination of news."

Washington Irving's characteristic was quiet humour; mild enough, but quaint; as when he said to a gentleman who, in a thunder-storm, declined to take shelter under a tree, having promised to his father, who had been once hit, never to do so: "Oh, that makes all the difference in the world. If it is hereditary, and lightning runs in the family, you are wise."

Chapman, a witty lawyer of Hartford, was busy with a case at which a lady was present, with whom he had already something to do as a witness. Her husband was present—a diminutive, meek, forbearing sort of a man—who, in the language of Mr. Chapman, "looked like a rooster just fished out of a swill barrel," while the lady was a large portly woman, evidently the better horse. As on the former occasion, she baulked on the cross-examination. The lawyer was pressing a question urgently, when she said, with vindictive fire flashing from her eyes, "Mr. Chapman, you needn't think to catch me; you tried that once before!" Putting on his most quizzical expression, he replied, "Madam, I haven't the slightest desire to catch you, and your husband looks as if he was sorry he did." The husband faintly smiled assent.

During the battle of Fredericksburg, the Confederate General Lee observed one of his aides-de-camp, a very young man, shrink every now and then, and by the motion of his body, seek to evade, if possible, the shot. "Sir," said Lee, "what do you mean? Do you think you can dodge the balls? Do you know that Napoleon lost about a hundred aides-de-camp in one campaign?" "So I've read," replied the young officer, "but I did not think you could spare so many."

A worthy English agriculturist visited the great dinner-table of the Astor House Hotel, in New York, and took up the bill of fare. His eye caught up the names of its, to him, unknown dishes:—"Soupe à la Flamande"—"Soupe à la Creci"—"Langue de Boeuf piquée"—"Pieds de Cochon à la Ste. Ménéhould"—"Patés de sanglier"—"Patés à la gelée de volailles"—"Les cannelons de crème glacée." It was too much for his simple heart, and laying down the scarlet-bound volume in disgust, he cried to the waiter, "Here, my good man, I shall go back tofirst principles! Give us some beans and bacon!"

A devoted admirer of honest old Abe makes a very severe conundrum upon Marshal Kane. "What two characters in scripture remind us of a certain President in Washington and a certain Marshal in Baltimore?" Give it up, reader? Certainly! "Wicked Kane and righteous Abe L. (Abel)." This, of course, is a delicate allusion to the sons of Adam, who must have been Ameri-cains, since they went to fighting so soon about nothing.

"Why don't you get married?" said a young lady to a bachelor acquaintance who was on a visit. "I have been trying for the last ten years to find some one who would be silly enough to take me, and have not yet succeeded," was the reply. "Then you haven't been down our way," was the insinuating rejoinder.

"John, my son," said a doting father, who was about taking him into business, "what shall be the style of the new firm?"—"Well, governor," said the youth, "I don't know—but suppose we have it John H. Samplin and Father?" The old gentleman was struck with the originality of the idea, but didn't adopt it.

A notice in an American newspaper of a steamboat explosion ended as follows:—"The captain swam ashore; so did the chamber-maid. She was insured for 15,000 dollars, and loaded with iron."

"Do you mean to insinuate that I lie, sir?" exclaimed a fierce-looking, mustachioed gentleman to a raw Yankee, who hinted some slight scepticism as to one of his toughest statements. "No, mister, not at all—only it kind o' strikes me that you are 'tarnal savin' of truth."

"Where is the hoe, Sambo?"—"Wid de rake, massa."—"Well, where is the rake?"—"Wid de hoe."—"But where are they both?"—"Why, bof togeder. By golly, old massa, you 'pears to be berry 'ticular dis mornin'."

Mr. Noah, a Jew, was a candidate for the office of sheriff of the city of New York, and it was objected to his election that a Jew would thus come to have the hanging of Christians. "Pretty Christians, indeed," remarked Noah, "to need hanging!"

A gentleman riding through Virginia was overtaken by a violent thunder-storm. He took shelter in a negro's cabin, and found the water streaming through many crevices in the roof. "Why don't you mend your roof, Cuff?" he asked. "Oh, um rain so, maussa, 'can't," said the negro. "But why don't you mend it when it doesn't rain?" asked the gentleman. "Yah, maussa," said the negro, with a grin, "den um dohn want mendin'."

"Mydear girls," said the preacher, "I like to see a small waist as well as anybody, and females with hour-glass shapes suit my fancy better than your Dutch-churn, soap-barrel, slab-sided sort of figures; but I don't want to give the credit to corsets."—Dow's Sermons.

Shortly after his first landing in America, Thackeray was invited to dinner by one of the Messrs. Harper, the well-known publishing firm, whose magazine,Harper's Monthly, is a deliberate compilation from all the best English periodicals. On his introduction to Mr. Harper, Thackeray had joked with him on the American contemptfor copyright; and when he went into the drawing-room he took a little girl, whom he found playing there, on his knee, and gazing at her with feigned wonder, said in solemn tones, "And this is a pirate's daughter!"

The following lines were found in a Confederate soldier's note-book, on the camping-ground near Breckenridge's head-quarters, before Washington, July 17, 1864:—

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