I was afflicted to the last degree with the accident. What shall I do? thought I, what will become of me? I considered there was no time to lose, and it being then moonlight, I made my servants quietly take up one of the great pieces of marble with which the court of my house was paved; under that I made them presently dig a hole, and there inter the corpse of the young lady. After replacing the stone, I put on a travelling suit, and took what money I had, and having locked up every thing, affixed my own seal on the door of my house. This done, I went to see for the jewel merchant my landlord; paid him what rent I owed, with a year’s rent in advance; and giving him the key, prayed him to keep it for me. A very urgent affair, said I, obliges me to be absent for some time; I am under the necessity of going to find out my uncles at Cairo. I took my leave of him, immediately mounted my horse, and set off with my attendants.
I had a good journey, and arrived at Cairo without any accident. There I met with my uncles, who were very much surprised to see me. To excuse myself, I pretended I was tired of staying for them; and hearing nothing of them, was so uneasy, that I could not be satisfied without coming to Cairo. They received me very kindly, and promised my father should not be angry with me for leaving Damascus without his permission. I lodged in the same khan with them, and saw all the curiosities of Cairo.
Having finished their traffic, they began to talk of returning to Moussoul, and to make preparations for their departure; but I having a mind to see something in Egypt that I had not yet seen, left my uncles, and went to lodge in another quarter, at a distance from the khan, and did not appear any more till they were gone. They sought for me all over the city; but not finding me, they supposed remorse for having come to Egypt, without my father’s consent, had put me on returning to Damascus, without saying any thing to them. So they began their journey, expecting to find me at Damascus, and there to take me up.
I continued at Cairo after their departure three years, more completely to indulge my curiosity after all the wonders of Egypt. During that time, I took care to send money to the jewel merchant, ordering him to keep my house for me; for I designed to return to Damascus, and stay there some years more. I had no adventure at Cairo worth relating; but, doubtless, you will be very much surprised at that I met with after my return to Damascus.
Arriving at this city, I went to the jewel-merchant’s house, who received me joyfully, and would needs go along with me to my house, to show me that nobody had entered it while I was absent. The seal was still entire upon the lock; and when I went in, I found every thing in the same order in which I had left it.
In sweeping and cleaning out my hall where I had used to eat with the ladies, one of my servants found a gold chain necklace, with ten very large and very perfect pearls placed upon it at certain distances. He brought it to me, and I knew it to be the same I had seen upon the lady’s neck that was poisoned, and concluded it had broken off and fallen, when I did not perceive it. I could not look upon it without shedding tears, when I called to mind the lovely creature I had seen die in such a shocking manner. I wrapt it up and put it in my bosom.
I passed some days to recover from the fatigues of my voyage; after which, I began to visit my former acquaintance. I abandoned myself to all manner of pleasure, and insensibly squandered away all my money. Being thus reduced, instead of selling my furniture, I resolved to part with my necklace; but I had so little skill in pearls, that I took my measures very ill, as you shall hear.
I went to the bezestein, where I called a crier aside, and showing him the necklace, told him I had a mind to sell it, and desired him to show it to the principal jewellers. The crier was surprised to see such a trinket. What a pretty thing it is! cried he, staring upon it a long while with admiration; never did our merchants see any thing so rich. I am sure I shall oblige them highly in showing it to them; and you need not doubt they will set a high price upon it, in emulation of each other. He carried me to a shop, which proved to be my landlord’s. Stay here, said the crier, I will return presently, and bring you an answer.
While he was running about to show the necklace with much caution, I sat with the jeweller, who was glad to see me, and we conversed on different subjects. The crier returned, and calling me aside, instead of telling me the necklace was valued at two thousand sherifs, he assured me nobody would give me more than fifty. The reason is, added he, the pearls are false: consider, see if you will part with it at that price. I took him at his word, and wanting money, Go, said I, I take your word, and that of those who know better than myself; deliver it to them, and bring me the money immediately.
The crier had been ordered to offer me fifty sherifs by one of the richest jewellers in town, who had only made that offer to sound me, and try if I was well acquainted with the value of the goods I exposed to sale. He had no sooner received my answer than he carried the crier to the judge, and showing him the necklace, Sir, said he, here is a necklace that was stolen from me, and the thief, under the character of a merchant, has had the impudence to offer it for sale; and is at this minute in the bezestein. He is willing to take fifty sherifs for a necklace that is worth two thousand, which is a plain argument that it is stolen.
The judge sent immediately to seize me; and when I came before him, he asked me, if the necklace he had in his hand was not the same that I had exposed to sale in the bezestein. I told him it was. Is it true, said he, that you are willing to deliver it for fifty sherifs? I answered I was. Well, said he, in a scoffing way to me, give him the bastinado; he will quickly tell us, with all his fine merchant’s clothes, that he is only a downright thief; let him be beat till he confesses. The violence of the blows made me tell a lie: I confessed, though it was not true, that I had stolen the necklace: and presently the judge ordered my hand to be cut off.
This made a great noise in the bezestein; and I was scarce returned to my house when my landlord came. My son, said he, you seem to be a young man well educated, and of good sense; how is it possible you could be guilty of such an unworthy action as that I hear talk of? You gave me an account of your property yourself, and I do not doubt but the account is just. Why did not you ask money of me, and I would have lent it you? However, after what has happened, I cannot allow you to lodge longer in my house; you must go and seek for other lodgings. I was extremely troubled at this; and entreated the jeweller, with tears in my eyes, to let me stay three days longer in his house, which he granted.
Alas! said I to myself, this misfortune and affront is unsufferable: how shall I dare to return to Moussoul? Nothing I can say to my father will persuade him that I am innocent.
Three hours after this fatal accident my house was assaulted by the judge’s officers, accompanied with my landlord, and the merchant that had falsely accused me of having stolen the necklace. I asked them what brought them there. But instead of giving me any answer, they bound and gagged me, calling me a thousand rogues, and telling me, the necklace belonged to the governor of Damascus, who had lost it above three years ago, and that one of his daughters had not been heard of since that time. Judge my sensations when I heard this news. However, I summoned all my resolution: I will tell, thought I, I will tell the governor the truth; and so it will rest with him either to put me to death, or to pardon me.
When I was brought before him, I observed he looked upon me with an eye of compassion, from whence I augured well. He ordered me to be untied; and addressing himself to the jeweller who accused me, and to my landlord, Is this the man, said he, that sold the pearl necklace? They had no sooner answered yes, than he said, I am sure he did not steal the necklace, and I am much astonished at the injustice that has been done him. These words giving me courage, Sir, said I, I do assure you I am perfectly innocent. I am likewise fully persuaded the necklace did never belong to my accuser, whom I never saw, and whose horrible perfidy is the cause of my unjust treatment. It is true, I made a confession as if I had stolen it; but this I did contrary to my conscience through the force of torture, and for another reason that I am ready to tell you, if you will be so good as to hear me. I know enough of it already, replied the governor, to do you one part of the justice that is due to you. Take from hence continued he, take the false accuser; let him undergo the same punishment he caused to be inflicted on this young man whose innocence is known to me.
The governor’s orders were immediately put in execution: the jeweller was punished as he deserved. Then the governor, having ordered all the company to withdraw, said to me, My son, tell me without fear how this necklace fell into your hands —conceal nothing from me. Then I told him plainly all that had passed, and declared I had chosen rather to pass for a thief than to reveal that tragical adventure. Good God! said the governor, thy judgments are incomprehensible, and we ought to submit to them without murmuring. I receive, with an entire submission, the stroke thou hast been pleased to inflict upon me. Then, directing his discourse to me, My son, said he, having now heard the cause of your disgrace, for which I am very much concerned, I will give you an account of the disgrace that befell me. Know, then, that I am the father of those two young ladies you were speaking of but now. The first lady, who had the impudence to come to your house, was my eldest daughter. I had given her in marriage, at Cairo, to one of her cousins, my brother’s son. Her husband died, and she returned home, corrupted with all manner of wickedness which she had learned in Egypt. Before I took her home, her youngest sister, who died in that deplorable manner in your arms, was a very prudent young woman, and had never given me any occasion to complain of her conduct. But after that, the eldest sister grew very intimate with her, and insensibly made her as wicked as herself.
The day after the death of the youngest, not finding her at table, I asked her eldest sister what was become of her; but she, instead of answering, fell to crying bitterly, from whence I formed a fatal presage. I pressed her to inform me of what I asked her. Father, said she, sobbing, I can tell you no more than that my sister put on her best clothes yesterday, and her fine pearl necklace, and went out, and has not been heard of since. I made search for my daughter all over the town, but could learn nothing of her unhappy fate. In the mean time the eldest, who doubtless repented of her jealous fury, took on very much, and incessantly bewailed the death of her sister; she denied herself all manner of food, and so put an end to her deplorable days.
Such, continued the governor, such is the condition of mankind! —such are the unlucky accidents to which they are exposed! However, my son, added he, since we are both of us equally unfortunate, let us unite our sorrow, and not abandon one another. I give you in marriage a third daughter I have still left; she is younger than her sisters, and in no respect imitates their conduct; besides, she is handsomer than they were, and I assure you is of a disposition calculated to make you happy. You shall have no other house but mine; and after my death, you and she shall be heirs to all my property.
Sir, said I, I am ashamed of all your favours, and shall never be able to make a sufficient acknowledgment. Enough, said he, interrupting me; let us not waste time in idle words. This said, he called for witnesses, ordered the contract of marriage to be drawn, and I married his daughter without farther ceremony.
He was not satisfied with punishing the jeweller who had falsely accused me, but confiscated for my use all his property, which was very considerable. As for the rest, since you have been called to the governor’s house, you may have seen what respect they pay me there. I must tell you further, that a man who has been sent by my uncles to Egypt, on purpose to inquire for me there, passing through this city, found me out, and came last night and delivered me a letter from them. They inform me of my father’s death, and invite me to come and take possession of his estate at Moussoul; but as the alliance and friendship of the governor have fixed me with him, and will not suffer me to leave him, I have sent back the express with a power, which will secure to me my property. After what you have heard, I hope you will pardon my incivility during the course of my illness, in giving you my left instead of my right hand.
This, said the Jewish physician, this is the story I heard from the young man of Moussoul. I continued at Damascus as long as the governor lived: after his death, being in the flower of my age, I had the curiosity to travel. Accordingly, I went through Persia to the Indies, and came at last to settle in this your capital, where I practise physic with reputation.
The sultan of Casgar was well pleased with this last story. I must say, said he to the Jew, the story you have told me is very singular; but I declare freely, that of the little hump-back is yet more extraordinary, and much more comical, so you are not to expect that I will give you your life, any more than the rest. I will hang you all four. Pray, sir, stay a minute, said the tailor, advancing forwards, and prostrating himself at the sultan’s feet; since your majesty loves pleasant stories, I have one to tell you that will not displease you. Well, I will hear thee too, said the sultan; but do not flatter thyself that I will suffer thee to live, unless thou tellest me some adventure that is yet more diverting than that of the hump-backed man. Upon this the tailor, as if he had been sure of his scheme, spoke boldly to the following purpose:—
The Story told by the Tailor.
A citizen of this city did me the honour, two days ago, to invite me to a treat which he was to give to his friends yesterday morning. Accordingly I went early, and found there about twenty persons.
The master of the house was gone out upon some business, but in a very little time he came home, and brought with him a young man, a stranger, very well dressed, and very handsome, but lame. When he came in, we all rose up, and, out of respect to the master of the house, invited the young man to sit down with us upon the sofa. He was going to do so, but, all on a sudden, spying a barber in our company, he flew backwards, and made towards the door. The master of the house, surprised at his behaviour, stopped him. Where are you going? said he. I brought you along with me to do me the honour of being my guest among the rest of my friends, and you are no sooner got into my house, but you are for running away again. Sir, said the young man, for God’s sake do not stop me —let me go: I cannot without horror look upon that abominable barber, who, though he was born in a country where all the natives are white, resembles an Ethiopian, and his soul is yet blacker and more horrible than his face.
We were all surprised to hear the young man speak so, and we began to have a very bad opinion of the barber, without knowing what ground the young man had for what he said. Nay, we protested we would not suffer any one to remain in our company who bore so horrid a character. The master of the house entreated the stranger to tell us what reason he had for hating the barber. Gentlemen, said the young man, you must know this cursed barber is the cause of my being lame, and falling under the cruellest accident that any one can imagine. For this reason I have sworn to avoid all the places where he is, and even not to stay in the cities where he dwells. It was for this reason that I left Bagdad, where he then was, and travelled so far to settle in this city, in the heart of Great Tartary, a place where I flattered myself I should never see him; and now, after all, contrary to my expectation, I find him here. This obliges me, gentlemen, against my will, to deprive myself of the honour of being merry with you. This very day I take leave of your town, and will go, if I can, to hide my head where he shall not come. This said, he would have left us, but the master of the house kept him, and entreated him to stay, and tell us the cause of his aversion for the barber, who all this while looked down, and said not a word. —We joined with the master of the house in requesting him to stay; and, at last, the young man, yielding to our importunities, sat down upon the sofa; and, after turning his back to the barber, that he might not see him, gave us the following account:—
My father’s quality might have entitled him to the highest posts in the city of Bagdad; but he always preferred a quiet life to all the honours he might deserve. I was his only child, and when he died I was already educated, and of age to dispose of the plentiful fortune he had left me; which I did not squander away foolishly, but applied it to such uses that every body respected me.
I had not been yet disturbed with any passion; I was so far from being sensible of love, that I acknowledge, perhaps to my shame, that I cautiously avoided the conversation of women. One day, walking in the streets, I saw a great company of ladies before me, and that I might not meet them, I turned down a narrow lane just by, and sat down upon a bench by a door. I sat over against a window where there stood a pot with very pretty flowers, and I had my eyes fixed upon it, when on a sudden the window opened, and a young lady appeared, whose beauty struck me. Immediately she cast her eyes upon me; and in watering the flower-pot with a hand whiter than alabaster, looked upon me with a smile that inspired me with as much love for her, as I had formerly aversion for all women. After having watered her flowers, and darted upon me a glance full of charms that pierced my heart, she shut the window again, and left me in inconceivable perplexity, from which I should not have recovered, if a noise in the street had not brought me to myself. I lifted up my head, and turning saw the first cadi of the city, mounted on a mule, and attended by five or six servants: he alighted at the door of the house where the young lady had opened the window, and went in; from whence I concluded he was the young lady’s father.
I went home in a different state of mind; tossed with a passion the more violent, as I had never felt its assaults before: I went to bed in a violent fever, at which all the family was much concerned. My relations, who had a great affection for me, were so alarmed with the sudden disorder, that they importuned me to tell the cause; which I took care not to discover. My silence created an uneasiness that the physicians could not dispel, because they knew nothing of my distemper, and by their medicines they rather inflamed than checked it.
My relations began to despair of my life, when an old lady of our acquaintance hearing I was ill, came to see me. She considered me with great attention, and after having examined me, penetrated, I know not how, the real cause of my illness. She took my relations aside, and desired all my people would retire out of the room, and leave her alone with me.
When the room was clear, she sat down on the side of my bed. My son, said she, you have obstinately concealed the cause of your illness; but you have no occasion to reveal it to me. I have experience enough to penetrate into a secret; you will not deny it, when I tell you it is love that makes you sick. I can find a way to cure you, if you will but let me know who that happy lady is that could move a heart so insensible as yours; for you have the character of a woman-hater, and I was not the last that perceived that such was your disposition; but what I foresaw has come to pass, and I am now glad of the opportunity to employ my talents in relieving your pain.
The old lady, having talked to me thus, paused, expecting my answer; but though what she had said had made a strong impression upon me, I durst not lay open to her the bottom of my heart: I only turned to her, and fetched a deep sigh, without saying any thing. Is it bashfulness, said she, that keeps you from speaking? or is it want of confidence in me? Do you doubt the effect of my promise? I could mention to you a number of young men of your acquaintance that have been in the same condition with you, and have received relief from me.
The good lady told me so many more circumstances, that I broke silence, declared to her my complaint, pointed out to her the place where I had seen the object which occasioned it, and unravelled all the circumstances of my adventure. If you succeed, said I, and procure me the happiness of seeing that charming beauty, and revealing to her the passion with which I burn for her, you may depend upon it I will be grateful. —My son, said the old woman, I know the lady you speak of; she is, as you rightly judge, the daughter of the first cadi of this city. I am not surprised that you are in love with her: she is the handsomest and most lovely lady in Bagdad; but what I most hesitate about is, that she is very proud, and of difficult access. You know now strict our judges are in enjoining the punctual observance of the severe laws that confine women in such a strict constraint; and they are yet more strict in the observation of them in their own families: the cadi you saw is more rigid in that point than all the other magistrates together. They are always preaching to their daughters what a heinous crime it is to shew themselves to men; and the girls themselves are so prepossessed with the notion, that they make no other use of their own eyes but to conduct them along the street, when necessity obliges them to go abroad. I do not say absolutely that the first cadi’s daughter is of that humour; but that does not hinder my fearing to meet with as great obstacles on her side as on her father’s. Would to God you had loved any other! then I should not have had so many difficulties to surmount. However, I shall employ all my wits to compass the matter; but it requires time. In the mean time, take courage, and trust in me.
The old woman took leave of me; and as I weighed within myself all the obstacles she had been talking of, the fear of her not succeeding in her undertaking inflamed my disorder. Next day she came again, and I read in her countenance that she had no favourable news to impart. She spoke thus; My son, I was not mistaken; I have somewhat else to conquer besides the vigilance of a father: you love an insensible object, who takes pleasure in making every one burn with love who suffer themselves to be charmed by her; but she will not deign them the least comfort. She heard me with pleasure, when I spoke of nothing but the torment she made you undergo; but I no sooner opened my mouth to engage her to allow you to see her, and converse with her, but casting at me a terrible look, You are very bold, said she, to make such a proposal to me; I charge you never to see me again with such language.
Do not let this cast you down, continued she; I am not easily disheartened; and if your patience does but hold out, I am hopeful I shall compass my end. To shorten my story, said the young man, this good go-between made several fruitless attacks in my behalf on the proud enemy of my rest. The vexation I suffered inflamed my distemper to that degree, that my physicians gave me over. I was considered as a dead man, when the old woman came to recall me to life.
That nobody might hear what was said, she whispered in my ear, —Remember the present you owe for the good news I bring you. These words produced a marvellous effect; I raised myself up in the bed, and with transport made answer. You shall not go without a present; but what is the news you bring me? —Dear sir, said she, you shall not die; I shall speedily have the pleasure to see you in perfect health, and very well satisfied with me. Yesterday, being Monday, I went to see the lady you love, and found her in a very good humour. As soon as I came in, I put on a sad countenance, and fetched many deep sighs, and began to squeeze out some tears: My good mother, said she, what is the matter with you? why are you so cast down? —Alas, my dear and honourable lady, said I, I have been just now with the young gentleman I spoke to you of the other day; his business is done; he is giving up his life for love of you; it is a pity, I assure you, and you have been very cruel. —I am at a loss to know, replied she, how you charge me to be the cause of his death. How can I have contributed to it? —How, replied I, did not you tell me the other day, that he sat down before your window, when you opened it to water your flower-pot? He then saw that prodigy of beauty, those charms that your mirror represents to you every day. From that moment he languished, and his disorder is risen to such a height, that he is reduced to the deplorable condition I have mentioned.
You remember well, added I, how rigorously you treated me the last time I was here, when I was offering to speak to you of his illness, and to propose a means to rescue him from the danger he was in: when I took leave of you, I went straight to his house, and he, knew no sooner by my countenance that I had brought no favourable answer, than his distemper increased. From that time, madam, he has been ready to die, and I do not know whether you can save his life now, though you should take pity on him. This is just what I said to her, continued the old woman. The fear of your death alarmed her, and I saw her face change colour. Is what you say true? said she. Has he actually no other disorder but what was occasioned by the love of me? —Ah! madam, said I, it is too true; would to God it were false! —Do you believe, said she, that the hopes of seeing me would at all contribute to rescue him from the danger he is in? —Perhaps it may, said I; and if you will give me orders, I will try the remedy. —Well, said she, sighing, give him hopes of seeing me; but he must pretend to no other favour from me, unless he aspires to marry me, and my father gives his consent to it. —Madam, replied I, your goodness overcomes me: I will go and seek the young gentleman, and tell him he is to have the pleasure of an interview with you. —The properest time I can think of, said she, for granting him that favour, is next Friday, at the time of noon prayers. Let him take care to observe when my father goes out, and then come and plant himself over-against the house, if his health permits him to come abroad. When he comes, I shall see him through my window, and shall come down and open the door to him: we shall then converse together during prayer-time, and he must be gone before my father returns.
It is now Tuesday, continued the old lady; you have from this time to Friday to recover your strength, and make the necessary dispositions for the interview. While the good old lady was speaking, I felt my illness decrease; or rather, by the time she had done. I found myself perfectly well. Here, take this, said I, reaching out to her my purse, which was full; it is to you alone that I owe my cure. I reckon this money better employed than all that I gave to the physicians, who have only tormented me during the whole course of my illness.
When the lady was gone, I found I had strength enough to get up; and my relations finding me so well, complimented me upon it, and went home.
Friday morning the old woman came, just when I was dressing myself, and choosing out the finest clothes in my wardrobe. I do not ask you, said she, how you do: what you are about is intimation enough of your health: but will not you bathe before you go to the first cadi’s house? —That will take up too much time, said I; I will content myself with sending for a barber to shave my head and beard. Immediately I ordered one of my slaves to call a barber that could do his business cleverly and expeditiously.
The slave brought me this wretch you see here; who came, and after saluting me, Sir, said he, you look as if you were not well. I told him I was just recovered from a fit of sickness. I wish, said he, God may deliver you from all mischance; may his grace always go along with you. —I hope, said I, he will grant your wish, for which I am very much obliged to you. —Since you are recovering of a fit of sickness, said he, I pray God preserve your health; but now pray let me know what I am to do; I have brought my razors and my lancets; do you desire to be shaved or to be bled? I replied, I am just recovered of a fit of sickness, I told you, and so you may readily judge I only want to be shaved. Come, make haste, do not lose time in prattling; for I am in haste, and precisely at noon I am to be at a place.
The barber spent much time in opening his case and preparing his razors; instead of putting water into the basin, he took a very handsome astrolabe out of his case, and went very gravely out of my room to the middle of the yard to take the height of the sun, then he returned with the same grave pace, and entering my room, Sir, said he, you will be pleased to know this day is Friday, the 18th of the moon Safar, in the year 653[73]from the retreat of our great prophet from Mecca to Medina, and in the year 7320[74]of the epocha of the great Iskender with two horns; and that the conjunction of Mars and Mercury signifies you cannot choose a better time than this very day and hour for being shaved. But on the other hand, the same conjunction is a bad presage to you. I learn from thence, that this day you run a great risk, not indeed of losing your life, but of an inconvenience which will attend you while you live. You are obliged to me for the advice I now give you, to take care to avoid it; I should be sorry if it befell you.
You may guess, gentlemen, how vexed I was at having fallen into the hands of such a prattling, impertinent barber; what an unseasonable adventure it was for a lover preparing for an interview! I was quite angry. I care not, said I, in anger, for your advice and predictions; I did not call you to consult your astrology; you came hither to shave me; shave me, or begone. I will call another barber. —Sir, said he, with a phlegm that put me out of all patience, what reason have you to be angry with me? You do not know that all barbers are not like me; and that you would scarce find such another, if you made it your business to search. You only sent for a barber; but here in my person, you have the best barber in Bagdad, an experienced physician, a very profound chemist, an infallible astrologer, a finished grammarian, a complete orator, a subtle logician, a mathematician perfectly well versed in geometry, arithmetic, astronomy, and all the refinements of algebra; an historian fully master of the histories of all the kingdoms of the universe. Besides, I know all parts of philosophy. I have all our law traditions at my fingers’ ends. I am a poet; I am an architect; and what is it I am not? There is nothing in nature hidden from me. Your deceased father, to whose memory I pay a tribute of tears every time I think of him, was fully convinced of my merit; he was fond of me, and spoke of me in all companies as the first man in the world. Out of gratitude and friendship for him, I am willing to attach myself to you, to take you into my protection, and guard you from all the evils that your stars may threaten.
When I heard all this stuff I could not forbear laughing, notwithstanding my anger. You impertinent prattler! said I, will you have done, and begin to shave me?
Sir, replied the barber to me, you affront me in calling me a prattler; on the contrary, all the world gives me the honourable title of Silent. I had six brothers that you might justly have called prattlers; and that you may know them the better, the name of the first was Bacbouk, of the second, Bakbarah, of the third, Bacbac, of the fourth, Alcouz, of the fifth, Alnascar, and of the sixth, Schacabac. These, indeed, were impertinent chatterers; but for me, who am a younger brother, I am grave and concise in my discourse.
For God’s sake, gentlemen, do but suppose you had been in my place. What could I say, when I saw myself so cruelly situated? Give him three pieces of gold, said I to the slave that was my house-keeper, and send him away, that he may disturb me no more; I will not be shaved this day. —Sir, said the barber, pray what do you mean by that? I did not come to seek for you, it was you sent for me; and since it is so, I swear by the faith of a Mussulman, I will not stir out of these doors till I have shaved you. If you do not know my value, it is not my fault. Your deceased father did me more justice. Every time he sent for me to let him blood, he made me sit down by him, and he was charmed with hearing what fine things I said to him. I kept him in a continual strain of admiration; I elevated him; and when I had finished my discourse, My God, cried he, you are an inexhaustible source of science; no man can reach the depth of your knowledge. My dear sir, said I again, you do me more honour than I deserve. If I say any thing that is fine, it is owing to the favourable audience you vouchsafe me; it is your liberality that inspires me with the sublime thoughts that have the happiness to please you. One day, when he was charmed with an admirable discourse I had made him, Give him, said he, a hundred pieces of gold, and invest him with one of my richest robes. I received the present upon the spot, and presently I drew his horoscope, and found it the happiest in the world. Nay, I carried my gratitude farther; I let him blood with cunning-glasses.
This was not all; he spun out another harangue that was a full half hour long. Tired with hearing him, and fretted at the loss of time, which was almost spent before I was half ready, I did not know what to say. It is impossible, said I, there should be such another man in the world, who takes pleasure, as you do, in making people mad.
I thought that I should succeed better, if I dealt mildly with my barber. In the name of God, said I, leave off all your fine talking, and despatch me presently; business of the last importance calls me, as I have told you already. At this, he fell a laughing; it would be a laudable thing, said he, if our minds were always in the same state; if we were always wise and prudent; however, I am willing to believe, that if you are angry with me, it is your distemper has caused that change in your humour; and for that reason you stand in need of some instructions, and you cannot do better than to follow the example of your father and grandfather. They came and consulted me upon all occasions, and I can say, without vanity, that they always prized my advice highly. Pray, observe, sir, men never succeed in their undertakings, without the advice of men of understanding. A man cannot, says the proverb, be wise, without receiving advice from the wise. I am entirely at your service, and you have only to command me.
What! cannot I prevail with you then? said I, interrupting him, to leave off these long speeches, that tend to nothing but to split my head in pieces, and to detain me from my business? Shave me, I say, or begone! With that, I started up in anger, stamping my foot against the ground.
When he saw I was angry in earnest, Sir, said he, do not be angry; we are going to begin. He lathered my head, and fell to shaving me; but he had not given me four strokes of his razor when he stopped, saying, Sir, you are hasty; you should avoid these transports, that only come from the devil. I am entitled to some consideration on account of my age, my knowledge, and my great virtues.
Go on, and shave me, said I, interrupting him again, and talk no more. That is to say, replied he, you have some urgent business to go about; I will lay you a wager, I guess right. Why, I told you so these two hours, said I: you ought to have shaved me before. Moderate your passion, replied he, perhaps you have not maturely weighed what you are going about: when things are done precipitately, they are generally repented of. I wish you would tell me what mighty business this is you are so earnest upon; I would tell you my opinion of it; besides, you have time enough, since your appointment is not till noon, and it wants three hours of that yet. I do not mind that, said I, persons of honour and of their word are rather before their time than after. But I forget, that in amusing myself with reasoning with you, I give into the faults of you prattling barbers: have done, have done; shave me.
The more haste I was in, the less haste he made. He laid down the razor, and took up his astrolabe; then laid down his astrolabe, and took up his razor again.
The barber quitted his razor again and took up his astrolabe a second time; and so left me half shaved, to go and see precisely what o’clock it was. Back he came, and then, Sir, said he, I knew I was not mistaken; it wants three hours of noon. I am sure of it; or else, all the rules of astronomy are false. Just heaven! cried I, my patience is at an end. I can bear it no longer. You cursed barber! you barber of mischief! I can scarce help falling upon you and strangling you. Softly, sir, said he, very calmly, without being moved by my passion: You are not afraid of a relapse; be not in a passion; I am going to shave you this minute. In speaking these words, he clapped his astrolabe in his case, and took up his razor, and passing it over the strap which was fixed to his belt, fell to shaving me again; but all the while he shaved, the dog could not forbear prattling. If you please, sir, said he, to tell me what is the business you are going about at noon, I could give you some advice that may be of use to you. To satisfy the fellow, I told him I was going to meet some friends at an entertainment at noon, to make merry with me upon the recovery of my health.
When the barber heard me talk of regaling, God bless you this day, as well as all other days, cried he: You put me in mind that yesterday I invited four or five friends to come and eat with me as this day; indeed I had forgot it, and I have as yet made no preparation for them. Do not let that trouble you, said I; though I dine abroad, my larder is always well furnished. I make you a present of all that it contains; and besides, I will order you as much wine as you have occasion for, for I have excellent wine in my cellar; only you must dispatch shaving me: and pray remember it; whereas my father made you presents to encourage you to speak, I give you mine to make you hold your tongue.
He was not satisfied with my promise: God reward you, sir, said he, for your kindness; but pray show me these provisions now, that I may see if there will be enough to entertain my friends: I would have them satisfied with the good fare I make them. —I have, said I, a lamb, six capons, a dozen chickens, and enough to make four courses. I ordered a slave to bring all before him, with four great pitchers of wine. It is very well, said the barber; but we shall want fruit, and sauce for the meat. That I ordered likewise; but then he gave over shaving, to look over every thing, one after another; and this survey lasted almost half an hour. I raged and stormed like a madman, but it signified nothing; the wretch made not the more haste. However, he took up his razor again, and shaved me for some minutes; then stopping all on a sudden, I could not have believed, sir, that you would have been so liberal; I begin to perceive that your deceased father lives again in you. Most certainly, I do not deserve the favours with which you have loaded me; and I assure you I shall have them in perpetual remembrance; for, sir, to let you know it, I have nothing but what comes from the generosity of such gentleman as you: in which respect, I am like to Zantout, who rubs the people in the baths; to Sali, who cries boiled peas in the streets; to Salout, who sells beans; to Akerscha, who sells greens; to Aboumecarez, who sprinkles the streets to lay the dust; and to Cassem, the caliph’s life-guard man. Of all these persons, not one is apt to be melancholy; they are neither impertinent nor quarrelsome; they are more contented with their lot than the caliph in the midst of his court; they are always gay, ready to sing and dance, and have each of them their peculiar song and dance, with which they divert the city of Bagdad; but what I esteem most in them is, that they are no great talkers, no more than your slave, that has now the honour to speak to you. Here, sir, is the song and dance of Zantout, who rubs the people in the baths; mind me, pray, and see if I do not imitate it exactly.
The barber sung the song, and danced the dance of Zantout, and let me say what I could to oblige him to make an end of his buffooneries, he did not give over till he imitated, in like manner, the songs and dances of the other people he had named. After that, addressing himself to me, I am going, said he, to invite all these honest men to my house: if you will take my advice, you will join us, and disappoint your friends yonder, who perhaps are great talkers, that will only tease you to death with their impertinent discourse, and make you relapse into a distemper worse than that you are so lately recovered of; whereas at my house you shall have nothing but pleasure.
Notwithstanding my anger, I could not forbear laughing at the fellow’s impertinence. I wish I had no business upon my hands, said I; I would accept of the proposal you make me; I would go with all my heart to be merry with you: but I beg to be excused; I am too much engaged this day; another day I shall be more at leisure, and then we shall make up that company. Come, finish shaving me, and make haste home; perhaps your friends are already come to your house. —Sir, said he, do not refuse me the favour I ask of you; come and be merry with the good company I am to have: if you were but once in our company, you would be so pleased with it, you would forsake your friends to come to us. Let us talk no more of that, said I; I cannot be your guest.
I found I gained no ground by mild terms. Since you will not come to my house, replied the barber, you must allow me to go along with you: I will go and carry these things to my house, where my friends may eat of them, if they like them, and I will return immediately: I would not be so uncivil as to leave you alone. You deserve this piece of complaisance at my hands. —Heavens! cried I, then I shall not get clear of this troublesome fellow to-day. In the name of the living God, said I, leave off your unreasonable jargon; go to your friends, drink, eat, and be merry with them, and leave me at liberty to go to mine. I have a mind to go alone: I have no occasion for company: besides, I must needs tell you, the place to which I go is not a place where you can be received; nobody must come there but I. —You jest, sir, said he: if your friends have invited you to a feast, what should prevent you from allowing me to accompany you? You will please them, I am sure, by carrying thither a man that can talk comically like me, and knows how to divert company. But say what you will, I am determined I will go along with you, in spite of you.
These words, gentlemen, perplexed me much. How shall I get rid of this cursed barber? thought I to myself. If I persist in contradicting him, we shall never have done.
Besides, I heard then the first call to noon prayers, and it was time for me to go. In fine, I resolved to say nothing at all, and to make as if I consented to his accompanying me. He then made an end of shaving me, and I said to him, Take some of my servants to carry these provisions along with you, and return hither; I will stay for you and shall not go without you.
At last he went, and I dressed myself quickly. I heard the last call to prayers, and made haste to set out: but the malicious barber, who guessed my intention, went with my servants only within sight of the house, and stood there till he saw them enter his house; having hid himself at the corner of the street, with an intent to observe and follow me. In fine, when I arrived at the cadi’s door, I looked back and saw him at the head of the street, which fretted me to the last degree.
The cadi’s door was half open, and as I went in I saw an old woman waiting for me, who after she had shut the door, conducted me to the chamber of the young lady I was in love with; but we had scarce began our interview, when we heard a noise in the streets. The young lady put her head to the window, and saw through the gate, that it was the cadi her father returning already from prayers. At the same time I looked through the window, and saw the barber sitting over-against the house, in the same place where I had seen the young lady before.
I had then two things to fear, the arrival of the cadi, and the presence of the barber. The young lady mitigated my fear of the first, by assuring me, the cadi came but very seldom to her chamber, and as she had foreseen that this misadventure might happen, she had contrived a way to convey me out safe: but the indiscretion of the accursed barber made me very uneasy; and you shall hear that this my uneasiness was not without ground.
As soon as the cadi was come in, he caned one of his slaves that had deserved it. This slave made a horrid noise, which was heard in the streets: the barber thought it was I that cried out, and was maltreated. Prepossessed with this thought, he roared out aloud, rent his clothes, threw dust upon his head, and called the neighbourhood to his assistance. The neighbourhood came, and asked what assistance he wanted. Alas! cried he, they are assassinating my master, my dear patron; and without saying any thing more, he ran all the way to my house, with the very same cry in his mouth. From thence he returned, followed by all my domestics armed with sticks. They knocked with inconceivable fury at the cadi’s door, and the cadi sent a slave to see what was the matter; but the slave being frightened, returned to his master, crying, Sir, above ten thousand men are going to break into your house by force.
Immediately the cadi himself ran, opened the door, and asked what they wanted. His venerable presence could not inspire them with respect. They insolently said to him, You cursed cadi, you dog of a cadi, what reason have you to assassinate our master? What has he done to you? —Good people, replied the cadi, for what should I assassinate your master, whom I do not know, and who has done me no harm? My house is open to you; come, see and search. —You bastinadoed him, said the barber; I heard his cries not a minute ago. —But once more, replied the cadi, what harm could your master do to me, to oblige me to abuse him after that rate? Is he in my house? If he is, how came he in, or who could have introduced him? —Ah! wretched cadi, cried the barber, you and your long beard shall never make me believe what you say. I know what I say; your daughter is in love with our master, and appointed him a meeting during the time of noon prayer: you without doubt have had notice of it; you returned home, and surprised him, and made your slaves bastinado him: but this your wicked action shall not pass with impunity; the caliph shall be acquainted with it, and he will give true and brief justice. Let him come out; deliver him to us immediately; or if you do not, we will go and take him out to your shame. —There is no occasion for so many words, replied the cadi, nor to make so great a noise: if what you say is true, go and find him out; I give you free liberty. Thereupon the barber and my domestics rushed into the house like furies, and looked for me all about.
As I heard all that the barber said to the cadi, I sought for a place to hide myself, and could find nothing but a great empty trunk, in which I lay down, and shut it upon me. The barber, after he had searched every where, came into the chamber where I was, and opening the trunk, as soon as he saw me, he took it upon his head and carried it away. He came down a high staircase into a court, which he crossed hastily, and got to the street door. While he carried me, the trunk unhappily flew open, and I, not being able to endure the shame of being exposed to the view and shouts of the mob that followed us, leaped out into the street with so much haste that I hurt my leg so, that I have been lame ever since. I was not sensible how bad it was at first, and therefore got up quickly to get away from the people, who laughed at me; nay, I threw handfulls of gold and silver among them, and whilst they were gathering it up, I made my escape by cross streets and alleys. But the cursed barber, availing himself of the stratagem that I had made use of to get away from the mob, followed me close, crying, Stay, sir; why do you run so fast? If you knew how much I am afflicted at the ill treatment you received from the cadi, —you, who are so generous, and to whom I and my friends are so much obliged! Did I not tell you truly, that you would expose your life by your obstinate refusal to let me go with you? See what has happened to you, by your own fault; and if I had not resolutely followed you, to see whither you went, what would have become of you? Whither do you go, sir? Stay for me.
Thus the wretched barber cried aloud in the streets; it was not enough for him to have occasioned so great a scandal in the quarter where the cadi lived, but he would have it known through the whole town. I was in such a rage, that I had a great mind to have staid and cut his throat; but considering that that would have perplexed me farther, I chose another course; for, perceiving that his calling after me exposed me to vast numbers of people, who crowded to the doors or windows, or stopped in the street to gaze on me, I entered into a khan or inn,[75]the chamberlain of which knew me; and finding him at the gate, whither the noise had brought him, I prayed him, for the sake of heaven, to hinder that madman from coming in after me. He promised to do so, and was as good as his word, but not without a great deal of trouble, for the obstinate barber would go in, in spite of him, and did not retire without calling him a thousand names; and after the chamberlain shut the gate, the barber continued telling all he met what great service he had done me. Thus I rid myself of that troublesome fellow. After that, the chamberlain prayed me to tell him my adventure, which I did, and then desired him to let me have an apartment until I was cured. But, sir, said he, will it not be more convenient for you to go home? I will not return thither, said I; for the detestable barber will continue plaguing me there, and I shall die of vexation to be continually teased with him. Besides, after what has befallen me to-day, I cannot think of staying any longer in this town; I must go whither my ill-fortune leads me; and actually, when I was cured, I took all the money I thought necessary for my travels, and gave the rest of my estate among my kindred.
Thus, gentlemen, I left Bagdad, and came hither. I had ground to hope that I should not meet this pernicious barber in a country so far from my own, and yet I find him amongst you. Be not surprised then at my haste to be gone; you may easily judge how unpleasant to me is the sight of a man, who was the occasion of my lameness, and of my being reduced to the melancholy necessity of living so far from my kindred, friends, and country. When he had spoken these words, the lame young man rose up and went out. The master of the house conducted him to the gate, and told him he was sorry that he had given him, though innocently, so great a subject of mortification.
When the young man was gone, continued the tailor, we were all astonished at the story, and, turning to the barber, told him he was very much to blame, if what we had just heard were true. Gentlemen, answered he, raising up his head, which till then he had held down, my silence during the young man’s discourse is sufficient to testify that he advanced nothing that was not true: but for all that he has said to you, I maintain that I ought to have done what I did; I leave you to be judges of it. Did not he throw himself into danger, and could he have come off so well without my assistance? He may think himself happy to get off with the lame leg. Did not I expose myself to greater danger to get him out of a house, where I thought he was ill-treated? Has he any reason to complain of me, and abuse me so? This is what one gets by serving unthankful people. He accuses me of being a prattling fellow, which is a mere slander: of seven brothers, I speak least, and have most wit to my share; and to convince you of it, gentlemen, I need only to tell my own story and theirs. Honour me, I beseech you, with your attention.
The Story of the Barber.
In the reign of the caliph Monstanser Bilah,[76]continued he, a prince so famous for his vast liberality towards the poor, ten highwaymen infested the roads about Bagdad, and for a long time committed unheard-of robberies and cruelties. The caliph, having notice of this, sent for the judge of the police, some days before the feast of Bairam, and ordered him, on pain of death, to bring all the ten to him.
The judge of the police used so much diligence, and sent so many people in pursuit of the ten robbers, that they were taken on the very day of Bairam. I was walking then on the banks of the Tigris, and saw ten men richly apparelled go into a boat. I might have known they were robbers, had I observed the guards that were with them; but I looked only to them, and thinking they were people that had a mind to spend the festival-day in jollity, I entered the boat with them, without saying one word, in hopes they would allow me to be one of the company. We went down the Tigris, and landed before the caliph’s palace: I had time then to consider with myself, and to find my mistake. When we came out of the boat, we were surrounded by a new troop of the judge of the police’s guard, who bound us all, and carried us before the caliph. I suffered myself to be bound as well as the rest, without speaking one word: for to what purpose should I have spoken, or made any resistance? That had been the way to have got myself ill-treated by the guards, who would not have listened to me; for they are brutish fellows, who will hear no reason: I was with the robbers, and that was enough to make them believe me to be one of them.
When we came before the caliph, he ordered the ten highwaymen’s heads to be cut off immediately. The executioner drew us up in a file within reach of his arm, and by good fortune I was the last. He cut off the heads of the ten highwaymen, beginning at the first; and when he came to me, he stopt. The caliph perceiving that he did not strike me, grew angry: Did not I command thee, said he, to cut off the heads of ten highwaymen, and why hast thou cut off but nine? —Commander of the faithful, said he, Heaven preserve me from disobeying your majesty’s orders: here are ten corpses upon the ground, and as many heads which I cut off; your majesty may count them. When the caliph saw that what the executioner said was true, he looked upon me with amazement, and perceiving that I had not the face of a highwayman, said to me, Good old man, how came you to be among those wretches, who have deserved a thousand deaths? I answered, Commander of the faithful, I shall make a true confession. This morning I saw those ten persons, whose punishment is a proof of your majesty’s justice, take boat: I embarked with them, thinking they were men going to celebrate this day, which is the most distinguished in our religion.
The caliph could not forbear laughing at my adventure; and instead of treating me as a prattling fellow, as this lame young man did, he admired my discretion and steady silence. Commander of the faithful, said I, your majesty need not wonder at my keeping silence on such an occasion as would have made another apt to speak: I make it a particular profession of holding my peace, and upon that account I have acquired the glorious title of Silent; by which I am distinguished from my six brothers. This is the effect of my philosophy; and, in a word, in this virtue consists my glory and happiness. I am very glad, said the caliph, smiling, that they gave you a title that you know how to make such good use of. But tell me, what sort of men were your brothers: were they like you? By no means, said I; they were all of them more given to prating one than another. And as to their persons, there was still a greater difference betwixt them and me. The first was hump-backed; the second had rotten teeth; the third had but one eye; the fourth was blind; the fifth had his ears cut off, and the sixth had hare-lips. They have met with such adventures as would enable you to judge of their characters, had I the honour to tell them to your majesty; and since the caliph seemed desirous to hear their several stories, I went on without waiting his commands.