(They withdraw.
Enter SirFrancis Gripeand SirGeorge Airy.
SirFran.Verily, SirGeorge, thou wilt repent throwing away thy Money so, for I tell thee sincerely,Miranda, my Charge do's not love a young Fellow, they are all vicious, and seldom make good Husbands; in sober Sadness she cannot abide 'em.
Miran.(Peeping.)In sober Sadness you are mistaken—what can this mean?
SirGeo.Look ye, SirFrancis, whether she can or cannot abide young Fellows is not the Business; will you take the fifty Guineas?
SirFran.In good truth— I will not, for I knew thy Father, he was a hearty wary Man, and I cannot consent that his Son should squander away what he sav'd, to no purpose.
Mirand.(Peeping.)Now, in the Name of Wonder, what Bargain can he be driving about me for fifty Guineas?
Patch.I wish it ben't for the first Night's Lodging, Madam.
SirGeo.Well, SirFrancis, since you are so conscientious for my Father's sake, then permit me the Favour,Gratis.
Miran.(Peeping.)The Favour! Oh my Life! I believe 'tis as you said,Patch.
SirFran.No verily, if thou dost not buy thy Experience, thou wou'd never be wise; therefore give me a Hundred and try Fortune.
SirGeo.The Scruples arose, I find, from the scanty Sum— Let me see—a Hundred Guineas—(Takes 'em out of a Purse and chinks 'em.)Ha! they have a very pretty Sound, and a very pleasing Look— But then,Miranda— But if she should be cruel—
Miran.(Peeping.)As Ten to One I shall—
SirFran.Ay, do consider on't, He, he, he, he.
SirGeo.No, I'll do't.
Patch.Do't, what, whether you will or no, Madam?
SirGeo.Come to the Point, here's the Gold, sum up the Conditions—
SirFran.(Pulling out a Paper.)
Miran.(Peeping.)Ay for Heaven's sake do, for my Expectation is on the Rack.
SirFran.Well at your own Peril be it.
SirGeo.Aye, aye, go on.
SirFran. Imprimis, you are to be admitted into my House in order to move your Suit toMiranda, for the space of Ten Minutes, without Lett or Molestation, provided I remain in the same Room.
SirGeo.But out of Ear shot—
SirFran.Well, well, I don't desire to hear what you say, Ha, ha, ha, in consideration I am to have that Purse and a hundred Guineas.
SirGeo.Take it—
(Gives him the Purse.
Miran.(Peeping.)So, 'tis well it's no worse, I'll fit you both—
SirGeo.And this Agreement is to be perform'd to Day.
SirFran.Aye, aye, the sooner the better, poor Fool, howMirandaand I shall laugh at him— Well, SirGeorge, Ha, ha, ha, take the last sound of your Guineas, Ha, ha, ha.
(Chinks 'em.)(Exit.
Miran.(Peeping.)Sure he does not know I amMiranda.
SirGeo.A very extraordinary Bargain I have made truly, if she should be really in Love with this old Cuff now— Psha, that's morally impossible—but then what hopes have I to succeed, I never spoke to her—
Miran.(Peeping.)Say you so? Then I am safe.
SirGeo.What tho' my Tongue never spoke, my Eyes said a thousand Things, and my Hopes flatter'd me hers answer'd 'em. If I'm lucky—if not, 'tis but a hundred Guineas thrown away.
(MirandaandPatchcome forwards.
Miran.Upon what SirGeorge?
SirGeo.Ha! myIncognito—upon a Woman, Madam.
Miran.They are the worst Things you can deal in, and damage the soonest; your very Breath destroys 'em, and I fear you'll never see your Return, SirGeorge, Ha, ha!
SirGeo.Were they more brittle thanChina, and drop'd to pieces with a Touch, every Atom of her I have ventur'd at, if she is but Mistress of thy Wit, ballances Ten times the Sum— Prithee let me see thy Face.
Miran.By no means, that may spoil your Opinion of my Sense—
SirGeo.Rather confirm it, Madam.
Patch.So rob the Lady of your Gallantry, Sir.
SirGeo.No Child, a Dish of Chocolate in the Morning never spoils my Dinner; the other Lady, I design a set Meal; so there's no danger—
Miran.Matrimony! Ha, ha, ha; what Crimes have you committed against the God of Love, that he should revenge 'em so severely to stamp Husband upon your Forehead—
SirGeo.For my Folly in having so often met you here, without pursuing the Laws of Nature, and exercising her command— But I resolve e'er we part now, to know who you are, where you live, and what kind of Flesh and Blood your Face is; therefore unmask and don't put me to the trouble of doing it for you.
Miran.My Face is the same Flesh and Blood with my Hand, SirGeorge, which if you'll be so rude to provoke.
SirGeo.You'll apply it to my Cheek— The Ladies Favours are always Welcome; but I must have that Cloud withdrawn.(Taking hold of her.)Remember you are in thePark, Child, and what a terrible thing would it be to lose this pretty white Hand.
Miran.And how will it sound in aChocolate-House, that SirGeorge Airyrudely pull'd off a Ladies Mask, when he had given her his Honour, that he never would, directly or indirectly endeavour to know her till she gave him Leave.
Patch.I wish we were safe out.
(Aside.
SirGeo.But if that Lady thinks fit to pursue and meet me at every turn like some troubl'd Spirit, shall I be blam'dif I inquire into the Reality? I would have nothing dissatisfy'd in a Female Shape.
Miran.What shall I do?
(Pause.
SirGeo.Ay, prithee consider, for thou shalt find me very much at thy Service.
Patch.Suppose, Sir, the Lady shou'd be in Love with you.
SirGeo.Oh! I'll return the Obligation in a Moment.
Patch.And marry her?
SirGeo.Ha, ha, ha, that's not the way to Love her Child.
Miran.If he discovers me, I shall die— Which way shall I escape?— Let me see.
(Pauses.
SirGeo.Well, Madam—
Miran.I have it— SirGeorge, 'tis fit you should allow something; if you'll excuse my Face, and turn your Back (if you look upon me I shall sink, even mask'd as I am) I will confess why I have engag'd you so often, who I am, and where I live?
SirGeo.Well, to show you I'm a Man of Honour I accept the Conditions. Let me but once know those, and the Face won't be long a Secret to me.
(Aside.
Patch.What mean you, Madam?
Miran.To get off.
SirGeo.'Tis something indecent to turn ones Back upon a Lady; but you command and I obey.(Turns his Back.)Come, Madam, begin—
Miran.First then it was my unhappy Lot to see you atParis(Draws back a little while and speaks)at a Ball upon a Birth-Day; your Shape and Air charm'd my Eyes; your Wit and Complaisance my Soul, and from that fatal Night I lov'd you.(Drawing back.)And when you left the Place, Grief seiz'd me so— No Rest my Heart, no Sleep my Eyes cou'd know.—
Last I resolv'd a hazardous Point to try,And quit the Place in search of Liberty.
(Exit.
SirGeo.Excellent— I hope she's Handsome— Well, Now, Madam, to the other two Things: Your Name, and where you live?— I am a Gentleman, and this Confession will not be lost upon me.— Nay, prithee don't weep, but go on—for I find my Heart melts in thy Behalf—speak quickly or I shall turn about— Not yet.— Poor Lady, she expects I shou'd comfort her; and to do her Justice, she has said enough to encourage me.(Turns about.)Ha? gone! The Devil, jilted? Why, what a Tale has she invented—ofParis, Balls, and Birth-Days.— Egad I'd give Ten Guineas to know who this Gipsie is.— A Curse of my Folly— I deserve to lose her; what Woman can forgive a Man that turns his Back.
The Bold and Resolute, in Love and War,To Conquer take the Right, and swiftest way;The boldest Lover soonest gains the Fair,As Courage makes the rudest Force obey,Take no denial, and the Dames adore ye,Closely pursue them and they fall before ye.
The End of the First ACT.
ACT the Second.
Enter SirFrancis Gripe,Miranda.
SirFran.HA, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Miran.Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha; Oh, I shall die with Laughing.— The most Romantick Adventure: Ha, ha! what does the odious young Fop mean? A Hundred Pieces to talk an Hour with me; Ho, ha.
SirFran.And I'm to be by too; there's the Jest; Adod, if it had been in Private, I shou'd not have car'd to trust the young Dog.
Mirand.Indeed and Indeed, but you mightGardy.— Now methinks there's no Body Handsomer than you; So Neat, so Clean, so Good-Humour'd, and so Loving.—
SirFran.Pritty Rogue, Pritty Rogue, and so thou shalt find me, if thou do'st prefer thyGardybefore these Caperers of the Age, thou shalt out-shine the Queen's Box on anOperaNight; thou shalt be the Envy of the Ring (for I will Carry thee toHide-Park) and thy Equipage shall Surpass, the what—d'ye call 'em Ambassadors.
Miran.Nay, I'm sure the Discreet Part of my Sex will Envy me more for the Inside Furniture, when you are in it, than my Outside Equipage.
SirFran.A Cunning Bagage, a faith thou art, and a wise one too; and to show thee thou hast not chose amiss, I'll this moment Disinherit my Son, and Settle my whole Estate upon thee.
Miran.There's an old Rogue now:(Aside.)No,Gardy, I would not have your Name be so Black in the World— You know my Father's Will runs, that I am not to possess my Estate, without your Consent, till I'm Five and Twenty; you shall only abate the odd Seven Years, and make me Mistress of my Estate to Day, and I'll make you Master of my Person to Morrow.
SirFran.Humph? that may not be safe— NoChargy, I'll Settle it upon thee forPin-mony; and that will be every bit as well, thou know'st.
Miran.Unconscionable old Wretch, Bribe me with my own Money— Which way shall I get out of his Hands?
(Aside.
SirFran.Well, what art thou thinking on, my Girl, ha? How to Banter SirGeorge?
Miran.I must not pretend to Banter: He knows my Tongue too well:(Aside.)No,Gardy, I have thought of a way will Confound him more than all I cou'd say, if I shou'd talk to him Seven Years.
SirFran.How's that? Oh! I'm Transported, I'm Ravish'd, I'm Mad—
Miran.It wou'd make you Mad, if you knew All,(Aside.)I'll not Answer him one Word, but be Dumb to all he says—
SirFran.Dumb, good; Ha, ha, ha. Excellent, ha, ha, I think I have you now, SirGeorge: Dumb! he'll go Distracted— Well, she's the wittiest Rogue— Ha, ha, Dumb! I can but Laugh, ha, ha, to think how damn'd Mad he'll be when he finds he has given his Money away for a a Dumb Show. Ha, ha, ha.
Miran.Nay,Gardy, if he did but know my Thoughts of him, it wou'd make him ten times Madder: Ha, ha, ha.
SirFran.Ay, so it wou'dChargy, to hold him in such Derision, to scorn to Answer him, to be Dumb: Ha, ha, ha, ha.
EnterCharles.
SirFran.How now, Sirrah, Who let you in?
Char.My Necessity, Sir.
SirFran.Sir, your Necessities are very Impertinent, and ought to have sent before they Entred.
Char.Sir, I knew 'twas a Word wou'd gain Admittance no where.
SirFran.Then, Sirrah, how durst you Rudely thrust that upon your Father, which no Body else wou'd admit?
Char.Sure the Name of a Son is a sufficient Plea. I ask this Lady's Pardon if I have intruded.
SirFran.Ay, Ay, ask her Pardon and her Blessing too, if you expect any thing from me.
Miran.I believe yours, SirFrancis, in a Purse of Guinea's wou'd be more material. Your Son may have Business with you, I'll retire.
SirFran.I guess his Business, but I'll dispatch him, I expect the Knight every Minute: You'll be in Readiness.
Miran.Certainly! my Expectation is more upon the wing than yours, old Gentleman.
[Exit.
SirFran.Well, Sir!
Char.Nay, it is very Ill, Sir; my Circumstances are, I'm sure.
SirFran.And what's that to me, Sir: Your Management shou'd have made them better.
Char.If you please to intrust me with the Management of my Estate, I shall endeavour it, Sir.
SirFran.What to set upon a Card, and buy a Lady's Favour at the Price of a Thousand Pieces, to Rig out an Equipage for a Wench, or by your Carelessness enrich your Steward to fine for Sheriff, or put up for Parliament-Man.
Char.I hope I shou'd not spend it this way: However, I ask only for what my Uncle left me; Your's you may dispose of as you please, Sir.
SirFran.That I shall, out of your Reach, I assure you, Sir. Adod these young Fellows think old Men get Estates for nothing but them to squander away, in Dicing, Wenching, Drinking, Dressing, and so forth.
Char.I think I was born a Gentleman, Sir; I'm sure my Uncle bred me like one.
SirFran.From which you wou'd infer, Sir, that Gaming, Whoring, and the Pox, are Requisits to a Gentleman.
Char.Monstrous! when I wou'd ask him only for a Support, he falls into these unmannerly Reproaches; I must, tho' against my Will, employ Invention, and by Stratagem relieve my self.
(Aside.
SirFran.Sirrah, what is it you mutter, Sirrah, ha?(Holds up his Cane.)I say, you sha'n't have a Groat out of my Hands till I Please—and may be I'll never Please, and what's that to you?
Char.Nay, to be Robb'd, or have one's Throat Cut is not much—
SirFran.What's that, Sirrah? wou'd ye Rob me, or Cut my Throat, ye Rogue?
Char.Heaven forbid, Sir,— I said no such thing.
SirFran.Mercy on me! What a Plague it is to have a Son of One and Twenty, who wants to Elbow one out of one's Life, to Edge himself into the Estate.
EnterMarplot.
Marpl.Egad he's here— I was afraid I had lost him: His Secret cou'd not be with his Father, his Wants are Publick there— Guardian,—your ServantCharles, I know by that sorrowful Countenance of thine. The old Man's Fist is as close as his strong Box— But I'll help thee—
SirFran.So: Here's another extravagant Coxcomb, that will spend his Fortune before he comes to't; but he shall pay swinging Interest, and so let the Fool go on— Well, what do's Necessity bring you too, Sir?
Marpl.You have hit it, Guardian— I want a Hundred Pound.
SirFran.For what?
Marpl.Po'gh, for a Hundred Things, I can't for my Life tell you for what.
Char.Sir, I suppose I have received all the Answer I am like to have.
Marpl.Oh, the Devil, if he gets out before me, I shall lose him agen.
SirFran.Ay, Sir, and you may be marching as soon as you please— I must see a Change in your Temper e'er you find one in mine.
Marpl.Pray, Sir, dispatch me; the Money, Sir, I'm in mighty haste.
SirFran.Fool, take this and go to the Cashier; I sha'n't be long plagu'd with thee.
(Gives him a Note.
Marpl.Devil take the Cashier, I shall certainly haveCharlesgone before I come back agen.
(Runs out.
Char.Well, Sir, I take my Leave— But remember, you Expose an only Son to all the Miseries of wretched Poverty, which too often lays the Plan for Scenes of Mischief.
SirFran.Stay,Charles, I have a sudden Thought come into my Head, may prove to thy Advantage.
Char.Ha, does he Relent?
SirFran.My LadyWrinkle, worth Forty Thousand Pound, sets up for a Handsome young Husband; she prais'd thee t'other Day; tho' the Match-makers can get Twenty Guinea's for a sight of her, I can introduce thee for nothing.
Char.My LadyWrinkle, Sir, why she has but one Eye.
SirFran.Then she'll see but half your Extravagance, Sir.
Char.Condemn me to such a piece of Deformity! Toothless, Dirty, Wry-neck'd, Hunch-back'd Hag.
SirFran.Hunch-back'd! so much the better, then she has a Rest for her Misfortunes; for thou wilt Load her swingingly. Now I warrant you think, this is no Offer of a Father; Forty Thousand Pound is nothing with you.
Char.Yes, Sir, I think it is too much; a young Beautiful Woman with half the Money wou'd be more agreeable. I thank you, Sir; but you Chose better for your self, I find.
SirFran.Out of my Doors, you Dog; you pretend to meddle with my Marriage, Sirrah.
Char.Sir, I obey: But—
SirFran.But me no Buts— Be gone, Sir: Dare to ask me for Money agen— Refuse Forty Thousand Pound! Out of my Doors, I say, without Reply.
(ExitChar.
Enter Servant.
Serv.One SirGeorge Airyenquires for you, Sir.
EnterMarplotRunning.
Marpl.. Ha? gone! IsCharlesgone, Guardian?
SirFran.Yes; and I desire your wise Worship to walk after him.
Marpl.Nay, Egad, I shall Run, I tell you but that. Ah, Pox of the Cashier for detaining me so long, where the Devil shall I find him now. I shall certainly lose this Secret.
(Exit, hastily.
SirFran.What is the Fellow distracted?— Desire SirGeorgeto walk up— Now for a Tryal of Skill that will make me Happy, and him a Fool: Ha, ha, ha, in my Mind he looks like an Ass already.
Enter SirGeorge.
SirFran.Well, SirGeorge, Dee ye hold in the same Mind? or wou'd you Capitulate? Ha, ha, ha: Look, here are the Guinea's,(Chinks them.)Ha, ha, ha.
SirGeo.Not if they were twice the Sum, SirFrancis: Therefore be brief, call in the Lady, and take your Post—if she's a Woman, and, not seduc'd by Witchcraft to this old Rogue, I'll make his Heart ake; for if she has but one Grain of Inclination about her, I'll vary a Thousand Shapes, but find it.
(Aside.
EnterMirand.
SirFran.Agreed—Miranda.There SirGeorge, try your Fortune,(Takes out his Watch.)
SirGeo.
So from the Eastern Chambers breaks the Sun,Dispels the Clouds, and gilds the Vales below.
(Salutes her.
SirFran.Hold, Sir, Kissing was not in our Agreement.
SirGeo.Oh! That's by way of Prologue:— Prithee, Old Mammon, to thy Post.
SirFran.Well, youngTimon, 'tis now 4 exactly; one Hour, remember is your utmost Limit, not a Minute more.
(Retires to the bottom of the Stage.
SirGeo.Madam, whether you will Excuse or Blame my Love, the Author of this rash Proceeding depends upon your Pleasure, as also the Life of your Admirer; yoursparkling Eyes speak a Heart susceptible of Love; your Vivacity a Soul too delicate to admit the Embraces of decay'd Mortality.
Miran.(Aside.)Oh, that I durst speak—
SirGeo.Shake off this TyrantGuardian's Yoke, assume your self, and dash his bold aspiring Hopes; the Deity of his Desires, is Avarice; a Heretick in Love, and ought to be banish'd by the Queen of Beauty. See, Madam, a faithful Servant kneels and begs to be admitted in the Number of your Slaves.
(Mirandagives him her Hand to Raise him.
SirFran.I wish I cou'd hear what he says now.(Running up.)Hold, hold, hold, no Palming, that's contrary to Articles—
SirGeo.Death, Sir, Keep your Distance, or I'll write another Article in your Guts.
(Lays his Hand to his Sword.
SirFran.(Going back.)A Bloody-minded Fellow!—
SirGeo.Not Answer me! Perhaps she thinks my Address too Grave: I'll be more free— Can you be so Unconscionable, Madam, to let me say all these fine things to you without one single Compliment in Return? View me well, am I not a proper Handsome Fellow, ha? Can you prefer that old, dry, wither'd, sapless Log of Sixty-five, to the vigorous, gay, sprightly Love of Twenty-four? With Snoring only he'll awake thee, but I with Ravishing Delight wou'd make thy Senses Dance in Consort with the Joyful Minutes—ha? not yet, sure she is Dumb— Thus wou'd I steal and touch thy Beauteous Hand,(Takes bold of her Hand)till by degrees I reach'd thy snowy Breasts, then Ravish Kisses thus,
(Embraces her in Extasie.
Miran.(Strugles and flings from him.)Oh Heavens! I shall not be able to contain my self.
(Aside.
SirFran.(Running up with his Watch in his Hand.)Sure she did not speak to him— There's Three Quarters of the Hour gone, SirGeorge— Adod, I don't like those close Conferences—
SirGeo.More Interruptions— You will have it, Sir.
(Lays his Hand to his Sword.
SirFran.(Going back.)No, no, you shan't have her neither.
(Aside.
SirGeo.Dumb still—sure this old Dog has enjoyn'd her Silence; I'll try another way— I must conclude, Madam, that in Compliance to your Guardian's Humour, you refuse to answer me— Consider the Injustice of his Injunction. This single Hour cost me a Hundred Pound—and wou'd you answer me, I cou'd purchase the 24 so: However, Madam, you must give me leave to make the best Interpretation I can for my Money, and take the Indication of your Silence for the secret Liking of my Person: Therefore, Madam, I will instruct you how to keep your Word inviolate to SirFrancis, and yet Answer me to every Question: As for Example, When I ask any thing, to which you wou'd Reply in the Affirmative, gently Nod your Head—thus; and when in the Negative thus;(Shakes his Head.)and in the doubtful a tender Sigh, thus
(Sighs.
Miran.How every Action charms me—but I'll fit him for Signs I warrant him.
(Aside.
SirFran.Ha, ha, ha, ha, poor SirGeorge, Ha, ha, ha, ha.
(Aside.
SirGeo.Was it by his desire that you are Dumb, Madam, to all that I can say?
Miran.(Nods.)
SirGeo.Very well! she's tractable I find— And is it possible that you can love him? Miraculous!(Miran.Nods.)Pardon the bluntness of my Questions, for my Time is short; may I not hope to supplant him in your Esteem?(Miran.Sighs.)Good! she answers me as I could wish— You'll not consent to marry him then?(Miran.Sighs.)How, doubtful in that— Undone again— Humph! but that may proceed from his Power to keep her out of her Estate till Twenty Five; I'll try that— Come, Madam, I cannot think you hesitate in this Affair out of any Motive, but your Fortune— Let him keep it till those few Years are expir'd; make me Happy with your Person, let him enjoy your Wealth—(Miran.holds up her Hands.)Why,what Sign is that now? Nay, nay, Madam, except you observe my Lesson, I can't understand your meaning—
SirFran.What a Vengeance, are they talking by Signs, 'ad I may be fool'd here; what do you mean, SirGeorge?
SirGeo.To Cut your Throat if you dare Mutter another Syllable.
SirFran.Od! I wish he were fairly out of my House.
SirGeo.Pray, Madam, will you answer me to the Purpose?(Miran.shakes her Head, and points to SirFrancis.)What! does she mean she won't answer me to the purpose, or is she afraid yon' old Cuff should understand her Signs?— Aye, it must be that, I perceive, Madam, you are too apprehensive of the Promise you have made to follow my Rules; therefore I'll suppose your Mind and answer for you— First, for my self, Madam, that I am in Love with you is an infallible Truth. Now for you:(Turns on her side.)Indeed, Sir, and may I believe it— As certainly, Madam, as that 'tis Day light, or that I Die if you persist in Silence— Bless me with the Musick of your Voice, and raise my Spirits to their proper Heaven: Thus low let me intreat; e'er I'm oblig'd to quit this Place, grant me some Token of a favourable Reception to keep my Hopes alive.(Arises hastily turns of her side.)Rise, Sir, and since my Guardian's Presence will not allow me Privilege of Tongue, Read that and rest assured you are not indifferent to me.(Offers her a Letter.)Ha! right Woman! But no(She strikes it down.)matter I'll go on.
SirFran.Ha! what's that a Letter— Ha, ha, ha, thou art baulk'd.
Miran.The best Assurance I ever saw—
(Aside.
SirGeo.Ha? a Letter, Oh! let me Kiss it with the same Raptures that I would do the dear Hand that touch'd it.(Opens it.)Now for a quick Fancy and a longExtempore— What's here?(Reads.)"Dear, SirGeorge, this Virgin Muse I consecrate to you, which when it has receiv'd the Addition of your Voice, 'twill Charm me into Desire of Liberty to Love, which you, and only you canfix." My Angel! Oh you transport me!(Kisses the Letter.)And see the Power of your Command; the God of Love has set the Verse already; the flowing Numbers Dance into a Tune, and I'm inspir'd with a Voice to sing it.
Miran.I'm sure thou art inspir'd with Impudence enough.
SirGeo.(Sings.)
Great Love inspire him;Say I admire him.Give me the LoverThat can discoverSecret Devotionfrom silent Motion;Then don't betray me,But hence convey me.
SirGeo.(Taking hold ofMiranda.)With all my Heart, this Moment let's Retire.(SirFranciscoming up hastily.)
SirFran.The Hour is expir'd, Sir, and you must take your leave. There, my Girl, there's the Hundred Pound which thou hast won, go, I'll be with you presently, Ha, ha, ha, ha.
(ExitMiranda.
SirGeo.Ads Heart, Madam, you won't leave me just in the Nick, will you?
SirFran.Ha, ha, ha, she has nick'd you, SirGeorge, I think, Ha, ha, ha: Have you any more Hundred Pounds to throw away upon Courtship, Ha, ha, ha.
SirGeo.He, he, he, he, a Curse of your fleering Jests— Yet, however ill I succeeded, I'll venture the same Wager, she does not value thee a spoonful of Snuff— Nay more, though you enjoyn'd her Silence to me, you'll never make her speak to the Purpose with your self.
SirFran.Ha, ha, ha, did not I tell thee thou would'st repent thy Money? Did not I say she hated young Fellow's, Ha, ha, ha.
SirGeo.And I'm positive she's not in Love with Age.
SirFran.Ha, ha, no matter for that, Ha, ha, she's not taken with your Youth, nor your Rhetorick to boot, ha, ha.
SirGeo.Whate'er her Reasons are for dislikingame, I am certain she can be taken with nothing about thee.
SirFran.Ha, ha, ha; how he swells with Envy!— Poor Man, poor Man— Ha, ha; I must beg your Pardon, SirGeorge, Mirandawill be Impatient to have her share of Mirth: Verily we shall Laugh at thee most Egregiously; Ha, ha, ha.
SirGeo.With all my Heart, faith—I shall Laugh in my Turn too— For if you dare marry her oldBelzebub, you would be Cuckolded most Egregiously; Remember that, and Tremble—
She that to Age her Beauteous Self resigns,Shows witty Management for close Designs.Then if thou'rt grac'd with fairMiranda's Bed,Actæon's Horns she Means, shall Crown thy Head.
(Exit.
SirFran.Ha, ha, ha; he is mad.
These fluttering Fops imagine they can Wind,Turn, and Decoy to Love, all Women-kind:But here's a Proof of Wisdom in my Charge,Old Men are Constant, Young Men live at Large.The Frugal Hand can Bills at Sight defray,When he that Lavish is, has Nought to pay.
(Exit.
SCENEChanges to SirJealous Traffick's House.
Enter SirJealous, Isabinda; Patchfollowing.
SirJeal.What in the Balcone agen, notwithstanding my positive Commands to the contrary!— Why don't you write a Bill upon your Forehead, to show Passengers there's something to be Let—
Isab.What harm can there be in a little fresh Air, Sir?
SirJeal.Is your Constitution so hot, Mistriss, that it wants cooling, ha? Apply the VirtuousSpanishRules, banish your Tast, and Thoughts of Flesh, feed upon Roots, and quench your Thirst with Water.
Isab.That, and a close Room, wou'd certainly make me die of the Vapours.
SirJeal.No, Mistriss, 'tis your High-fed, Lusty, Rambling, Rampant Ladies—that are troubl'd with the Vapours; 'tis your Ratifia, Persico, Cynamon, Citron, and Spirit of Clary, cause such Swi—m—ing in the Brain, that carries many a Guinea full-tide to the Doctor. But you are not to be Bred this way; No Galloping abroad, no receiving Visits at home; for in our loose Country, the Women are as dangerous as the Men.
Patch.So I told her, Sir; and that it was not Decent to be seen in a Balcone— But she threaten'd to slap my Chaps, and told me, I was her Servant, not her Governess.
SirJeal.Did she so? But I'll make her to know, that you are herDuenna: Oh that incomparable Custom ofSpain!why here's no depending upon old Women in my Country—for they are as Wanton at Eighty, as a Girl of Eighteen; and a Man may as safely trust toAsgill's Translation, as to his great Grand-Mother's not marrying agen.
Isab.Or to theSpanishLadies Veils, andDuenna's, for the Safeguard of their Honour.
SirJeal.Dare to Ridicule the Cautious Conduct of that wise Nation, and I'll have you Lock'd up this Fortnight, without a Peephole.
Isab.If we had but the Ghostly Helps inEngland, which they have inSpain, I might deceive you if you did,— Sir, 'tis not the Restraint, but the Innate Principles, secures the Reputation and Honour of our Sex— Let me tell you, Sir, Confinement sharpens the Invention, as want of Sight strengthens the other Senses, and is often more Pernicious than the Recreation innocent Liberty allows.
SirJeal.Say you so, Mistress, who the Devil taught you the Art of Reasoning? I assure you, they must have a greater Faith than I pretend to, that can think any Woman innocent who requires Liberty. Therefore,Patch, to your Charge I give her; Lock her up till I come back from Change: I shall have some sauntring Coxcomb, with nothing but a Red Coat and a Feather, think, by Leaping into her Arms, to Leap into my Estate— But I'll prevent them, she shall be only SigneurBabinetto's.
Patch.Really, Sir, I wish you wou'd employ any Body else in this Affair; I lead a Life like a Dog with obeying your Commands. Come, Madam, will you please to be Lock'd up.
Isab.Ay, to enjoy more Freedom than he is aware of.(Aside.)
(Exit withPatch.
SirJeal.I believe this Wench is very true to my Interest: I am happy I met with her, if I can but keep my Daughter from being blown upon till SigneurBabinettoarrives; who shall marry her as soon as he comes, and carry her toSpainas soon as he has marry'd her; she has a pregnant Wit, and I'd no more have her anEnglishWife, than the Grand Signior's Mistress.
(Exit.
EnterWhisper.
Whisp.So, I see SirJealousgo out; where shall I find Mrs.Patchnow.
EnterPatch.
Patch.Oh Mr.Whisper, my Lady saw you out at the Window, and order'd me to bid you fly, and let your Master know she's now alone.
Whisp.Hush, Speak softly; I go, go: But hark'e Mrs.Patch, shall not you and I have a little Confabulation, when my Master and your Lady is engag'd?
Patch.Ay, Ay, Farewell.
(Goes in, and shuts the Door.
Re-enter SirJealous TraffickmeetingWhisper.
SirJeal.Sure whil'st I was talking with Mr.Tradewell, I heard my Door clap.(SeeingWhisper.)Ha! a Man lurking about my House; who do you want there, Sir?
Whisp.Want—want, a pox, SirJealous!what must I say now?—
(Aside.
SirJeal.Ay, want; have you a Letter or Message for any Body there?— O my Conscience, this is some He-Bawd—
Whisp.Letter or Message, Sir!
SirJeal.Ay, Letter or Message, Sir.
Whisp.No, not I, Sir.
SirJeal.Sirrah, Sirrah, I'll have you set in the Stocks, if you don't tell me your Business immediately.
Whisp.Nay, Sir, my Business—is no great matter of Business neither; and yet 'tis Business of Consequence too.
SirJeal.Sirrah, don't trifle with me.
Whisp.Trifle, Sir, have you found him, Sir?
SirJeal.Found what, you Rascal.
Whisp.WhyTrifleis the very Lap-Dog my Lady lost, Sir; I fancy'd I see him run into this House. I'm glad you have him— Sir, my Lady will be over-joy'd that 1 have found him.
SirJeal.Who is your Lady Friend?
Whisp.My Lady Love-puppy, Sir.
SirJeal.My Lady Love-puppy! then prithee carry thy self to her, for I know no other Whelp that belongs to her; and let me catch ye no more Puppy-hunting about my Doors, lest I have you prest into the Service, Sirrah.
Whisp.By no means, Sir— Your humble Servant; I must watch whether he goes, or no, before I can tell my Master.
(Exit.
SirJeal.This Fellow has the Officious Leer of a Pimp; and I half suspect a Design, but I'll be upon them before they think on me, I warrant 'em.
(Exit.
SCENECharles's Lodging.
EnterCharlesandMarplot.
Char.HonestMarplot, I thank thee for this Supply; I expect my Lawyer with a Thousand Pound I have order'd him to take up, and then you shall be Repaid.
Marpl.Pho, pho, no more of that: Here comes SirGeorge Airy—