DOMESTICAL HENS
HENS is good to eat, but not the old he ones, which is a fighter. They lay eggs and cackle. Some boys can cackle as good as a hen, but no eggs. Hens dont lay eggs on Sunday, but the minister he preaches. Billy says if the hens didnt lay eggs they would bust and if the minister didnt preach he would be sick. Our old hen she wanted for to set, but father he didnt, so he boiled a egg real hot and laid it in her nest. She went and straddled it and looked up at father like he was a fool. Then she shaked her self together and shut up her eyes and settled down to her work, much as to say: “You see I am a havin my way about this thing.”
But pretty soon she gave a awful squok and jumped up and run round and round, like her head was cut off and she couldnt see her way. After that she was so afraid of eggs that when she couldnt help layin one she would run and fly, and some times the egg was lain in one place and some times it wasnt. One time she laid it on the roof of the church and it rolled off and busted on atoomb stone close to where my father stood a talkin to old Gaffer Peters. Old Gaffer he looked up to the weather cock on the steeple and shook his head and said: “Ive been agin that dam thing from the first.”
Mister Gipple he says a boy found some owl eggs and put them under a settin hen, cause they wasnt good for to suck. When they was hatched the old hen was mighty proud of them, like my mother is of Franky, thats the baby, but Mary, thats the house maid, she likes the butcher boy which brings the meat. One day the old rooster he said to the old hen: “Did you ever take notice what eyes them chicks of yourn has?”
The old hen she said: “Yes, they look so wise I am afraid they arent long for this world, poor darlings.”
The old rooster he shook his head and went away, but a other day he come back and said: “Them gum dasted chickens of yourn, which aint long for this world, are playin the old Nick while they stay. They jest now piled on to the yellow leg pullet and et her up in a minute, poor darlings.”
The hen she thought a while, and then she said: “Thats a mighty good disposition for them to have, for they will protect me from owls.”
Then a other hen she spoke up and said: “Judgin from the looks of some folkses chicks I guess they aint so fraid of owls as they make believe.”
But if I couldnt tell a better story than that I would teach school.
One day a feller a plantin potatoes see a hawk a sittin on a hens nest and there was lots of feathers around, like a pillow had broke open. The feller he looked at the hawk a while, and then he said: “Well, Ile be gam doodled! You will make a nice mother for a brood of young chickens, wont you?”
The hawk he said: “Well, what kind of a mother be you for a field of new potatoes?”
Mister Jonnice, which has the wood leg, he says it was mighty thoughtful in the Creator to provide chickens for the hawks, but Uncle Ned he says it wasn’t quite so thoughtful in him to provide hawks for the chickens. One night when Mister Jonnice stayed to our house he hung his wood leg on the knob of his bed room door, out side, for to have fun with Mary, thats the house maid, cause his wood leg looks just like it was a meat one, only whiter. In the morning Mary she came to my mother and said: “O, if you please, mam, I guess the gent which sleptin the spare room cant get his door open, cause he is a comin out through the key hole.”
A other time when Mister Jonnice was to our house Missis Doppy was here too, which has got the red head, you never seen any thing so red. When she had gone home Mister Jonnice he said: “If I was that womans husband Ide use her head for the parlor fier.”
Then Missy, thats my sister, she spoke up and said: “I suppose you would use your leg for a back log.”
One day Missis Doppy was here and stayed a long time, and bime by she went in my mothers bed room and was a combin her hair. Uncle Ned past the door and looked in, and then he came down stairs and said: “I guess she is a firin up to be off, I seen her a rakin out the cinders.”
Mister Pitchel, thats the preacher, he says it is wicked to make fun of folkses miss fortunes, cause it is all for some wise purpose, and Uncle Ned he says yes, and Missis Doppys head is a mighty conspicus instance and a shiny xample.
Hens is some time stole, and one time some wicked fellers which was in jail they kept a breakin out at night and stealin hens. So the man which kept the jailhe said he would put a stop to that, and he had a other coat of paint put on the jail for to make it stronger. But the painter had put salt in the paint and the cows licked it off and the fellers broke out a again and stole more hens. That made the jail man mad and he said: “This aint no place for thiefs, and you fellers has got to behave your selfs or Ile put you out of here and you will have to rustle round for your livin the best way you can.”
Roosters crow, but when there isnt any rooster the old hen she crows for to teach the little fellers how. But such crowin!—just like a sufferget hollerin hip, hip, hooray!
My father he said to Mister Gipple, my father did: “I guess you and Johnnys Uncle Edard is mighty hard worked a tryin to see which can tell him the biggest lie. Maybe you better give your selfs a good long rest.”
Mister Gipple he thought a while and then he said: “May I tell him jest one about my marriage in Africa, cause it is true?”
My father he said: “O, you be dratted, I have knew Missis Gip ever since she was a little feller, and I know you married her in Illinoy.”
Mister Gipple said: “I hope to die if it isnt so, jest as I said.”
Then my father he said: “All right, you may tell him, but I dont want to hear it, so Ile read this news paper.”
So Mister Gipple told me for to come closer, so as not to interupt a man which was readin, and father he took out his spetacles and wiped them real careful, and put them on his nose, and begun for to read the paper just like he had never saw a other paper, only but just that one. Then Mister Gipple he said: “Johnny, one time while I was a missionary preacher in Africa I was mighty lonely and said to the king of the natif niggers: 'All you fellers is married, but I havnt got any, cause she is in Illinoy. Spose you let me have a wife too.’
“The king he said: 'You aint nothing but a gum dasted white man, but you have been pretty decent about givin me rum and tobacco and showin me how to save my soul, so Ile give you all the wives that you can eat.’
“I thanked him and went to my shack and lay down for to dream of conjuggle happiness, but about mid night I was awoke by a awful yellin and hammerin on gongs, and when I looked out the whole horizon was lit up with bon fires and I could see all the natif niggers a dancin and acarryin on like they was crazy drunk.
“Next mornin I went to the king and asked him what was the trouble, and he said, the king did: 'No trouble at all, the high priest he married you last night and my loyal subjects was a cellebratin the nupitals. Every thing has been done proper, acordin to your station in life and you now have wives enough for to last a long time if you are economicle. There they are.’
“Johnny, that bad man pointed to a cage of monkeys! Yes, my boy, they had made a gam doodled poligamer of me by marryin me to a lot of long tail, rib nose, jabberin apes and baboons. And me a piller of the Methody church in good standin! Johnny, my domestical life was unhappy, for I dont like monkey any way which it can be cooked.”
Then my father he spoke up and said: “What did you do with them?”
Mister Gipple he said: “Hello! aint there any news in that paper? I thought you was a great reader, which makes a man mighty wise. But if you want to know, I got a divorce on the ground of failure to provide.”
But if me and Billy was married to monkeys we would cumber the earth with heaps of slain, for the Constution it says man and wife are one flesh, which is grass.