EPHALENTS
EPHALENTS is the biggest thing in the world, and it has got a proboscus with a hole through it. Some times the eph it gets its proboscus full of muddy water and blows it sky high and would put out a fire if there was one. The eph he has got a ear like the star spangle banner, but he cant wave it oer the home of the brave. Billy he says once a man put his head in a ephalents mouth, but their teeth is outside, so the feller which didnt was braver.
The ephs proboscus is its nose, and old Gaffer Peters has a long one too. One night old Gaffer was to our house and his shadow was on the wall, and Uncle Ned he said for him to sit still and he would draw his profile. So Uncle Ned drew it on the wall, and made the nose about a foot long, you never seen such a nose! My father he said: “What a strikin likeness, I would have knew it with my eyes shut,” but old Gaffer he didn’t say nothing. But pretty soon he pulled out his hankchef and blew his nose, and said: “I got a mighty bad cold.”
Bime by he blew it again and said: “This cold of mine is a goin to carry me to my grave.”
After a while he blew it some more and said: “What a dredfull swell up nose a bad cold gives a man in this gum dasted climate!”
Mister Gipple he says that one time in Mully Gatawny there was a battle be tween the wites and the natif niggers, and the wites licked. Then the wite general he said to his mahoot, which is the feller which rides a ephalent and jabs its ears: “Here, Kibosh, you take your quadped and ride over the battle field and count the slained and the wounded of the enemy, never mind ourn. I want to make a roarin good report to the Govment. You will have to be mighty careful or you will miss some of them.”
The mahoot he said: “Yessir, my eph is mighty sharp sighted with his feets.”
Late in the evenin the mahoot came a jabbin his eph up to head quarter, and the poor thing was so tired that it wobbled, and its feet and laigs was red, like they was painted. The gen he said: “Kibosh, I fear there was a accdent to some poor feller. Didnt I tell you that menaggery of yourn would have to be careful about steppin on thewounded?”
Ki he sed: “Yessir, so he was, sir, I dont think he missed a single nigger.”
The general, which was a good man, was awful shocked, and he wrote in his report: “I am sorry for to have to add that after the battle all of the wounded natifs, bein exposed to the open air, was atacked by a disease pecular to this climate, and phisicians was in vain. This scurge of the tropics is known as elphantiasis, or flatty degeneration of the chest. Make me a duke.”
But the Bible it says we are all worms of the dust where there is any dust for to be a worm of.
A other time Mister Gipple said: “Johnny, di ever tell you about the great king of Googum? I was in Googum when he died, and I asked the Prime Minister and the High Priest might I make a few remarks at the grave. The Prime said he guessed it would be all right if I wouldnt take up a colection, and the High said he would be mighty glad if I would relieve him of a sacred duty, cause he wanted to go a fishin. So on the day of the funeral I went to the grave. Johnny, you have frequent saw in the news papers a large audience discribed as 'a sea of up turned faces.’It was that way there. But, Johnny, the up turned faces was all detatched from their respective bodies!
“Bime by the Prime came. I swallered my feel as well as I could and said: 'I spose this is the custom of the country.’
“The Prime he said: 'Yes, when the king dies we try for to make it a occasion of public sorry.’
“Then I said: 'Where is my audience?’
“The Prime he said: 'Ime him.’
“I said: 'How about the mourners?’
“The Prime he said: 'All them which we could catch are here, exceptin the public executor, which is tired and has gone home. Ile fetch him if you would like to make his acquaint.’
“I thought a while, then I said: 'No, dont deprive him of his much needed rest. I met him in Illinoy.’
“Then the Prime looked at his watch and said: 'It is time for you to begin the remarks.’
“Then I rose my self up to my full highness and looked him in the eye, like I was a eagle, and said: 'The only remarks which I feel inspired for to make is that of all the gum dasted galoots and cantankers that I ever met you are the head center,the xtreme limit, the farthest north! If I had had you over in New Jersey, where your cries couldnt be heard up at the mercy seat, Ide lambaste you til your unbelievin soul would quit its tennement of mud and fly to evils that it knows not of!’
“Then, Johnny, I departed out of that place of wrath and tears by leaps and bounds and came back to the land of the free, where a feller which behaves hisself neednt hold his head on with both hands, where the Repubcan party scatters peace and plenty of offices oer a smilin land, and where if the Presdent was to die every day of his life a other would be elected without sacrificial rites.”
But if the public xecutor would come for to cut my head off cause the king died I would cleave him into twain!