TWO ADMINISTRATIONS
A PROVISIONAL SETTLEMENT
McKinley, a President. Sagasta, a Prime Minister. Aguinaldo, a Patriot.
Sagasta—Señor Presidente, you are very good, and you will find that Spain is not unreasonable. I have instructed my peace commissioners to concede quite a number of the demands that yours will probably make.
McKinley—And the others?
Sag.—Why, of course, Señor, a demand that is not conceded is refused.
McK.—But if my commissioners have the sorrow to insist?
Sag.—In that case Spain knows how to defend her honor.
McK.—How, for example?
Sag.—If need be, with the naked breasts of her sons!
McK.—My good friend, you err widely. The thing which there may be a dispute about is not Spanish honor, but Spanish soil.
Sag.—In every square foot of which, Senõr Porco—I mean Presidente—Spanish honor is rooted.
McK.—Sir, I shall consult my Secretary of Agriculture as to the desirability of annexing land which produces a crop like that. But this is your day to be dull: can you really suppose that in permitting you to have peace commissioners I expected them to claim the right of dissent? However these matters may be debated, there is but one deciding power—the will of the American Executive.
Sag.—Señor, you forget. Supreme over all, there is God!
McK.—O, I don’t know. He’s not the only——
Sag.—Holy cats!
[Enter Aguinaldo.]
McK.—First of all, Señor Prime Minister, you must renounce the island of Luzon, and——
Aguinaldo—Yes, Señor, that being the most important island of the group, and the one in which you have not now even a foothold, its renunciation will naturally precede that of the others, as my great and good ally is pleased to suggest. With regard to Luzon you have only to say, “We renounce”; I, “We accept.”
McK.—Please have the goodness to hold your tongue.
Ag.—With both hands, your Excellency.
McK.—Second, Señor, you must assure a liberal government to the other islands.
Sag.—With great pleasure, your Excellency; quite cheerfully.
McK.—Please do not wink. Third, there must be——
Ag.—Excuse me; I was brought up a Spanish subject. What is a liberal government?
McK.—That is for Spain to decide.
Ag.—I don’t see what Spain will have to do with it.
McK.—My friend, you slumber—peaceful be thy dreams. Third, there must be complete separation of church and state.
Sag.—What! a Diabolocracy? You shock me!
McK.—Fourth, none of the islands, nor any part of them, is to be ceded to any foreign nation without the consent of the United States.
Ag.—You understand, Señor—you hear that! Spain can never again acquire a square foot of these islands, not even by reconquest or a corrupt bargain with a recreant Filipino dictator, for she will again have to reckon with our powerful protectors,whom may the good God reward!
McK.—The trouble with you is, you talk too much. Fifth, the United States must have in the Philippines equal commercial privileges with Spain.
Ag.—Equal? May I never again run amuck if they shall not have superior! Why, I have it in mind to issue a proclamation closing every port to the ships of Spain. As to the United States, commercial primacy is a small reward for their assistance in the closing scene of our successful rebellion.
Sag.—Of course, as you say, I shall have to accept whatever terms you have the great kindness to offer. As I understand your proposal, Spain retains all the islands but Luzon; that is to belong to the United States, and——
Ag.—What!
Sag.—This worthy Oriental appears to be laboring under a misapprehension.
McK.—I know of nothing else that could make an Oriental labor.
Ag.—Señores, the language of diplomacy is to me an unfamiliar tongue: I have imperfectly understood—pardon me. Is it indeed intended that the United States shall take Luzon and Spain take all else?
McK.—“Retain” is the word.
Ag.—“Retain?” Why, that means to keep, to hold what is already possessed. What you gentlemen have in possession in this archipelago is the ground covered by the feet of your soldiers. Now, what right have you, Señor Presidente, to the island of Luzon? The right of conquest? You have not conquered it.
McK.—My dear fellow, you distress me. I conquered this gentleman, and he is going to be good enough to give me the island as a testimonial of his esteem.
Ag.—But he doesn’t own it. I had taken it away from him before you defeated him—all but the capital, and by arrangement with your man Dewey——
Sag.—Caram——!
Ag.—I assisted to take that. Why, he supplied me with arms for the purpose!
Sag.—Arms with which I had had the unhappiness to supplyhim.
Ag.—What is my reward? I am driven from the city which I assisted to conquer, and you take not only that but the entire island, which you had no hand in conquering.
Sag.(aside)—Faith! he’ll conquer it before he gets it.
McK.—My friend, you are a Malay, with a slight infusion of Chinese, Hindu and Kanaka. Naturally, you cannot understand these high matters.
Ag.—I understand this: We Filipinos rebelled against Spain to liberate our country from oppression. We wrested island after island, city after city, from her until Manila was virtually all that she had left. As we were about to deprive her of that and regain the independence which, through four hundred years of misrule, she had denied us we experienced a dire mischance. You quarreled with her because she denied independence to Cuba. Spanish dominion, which we had stabbed, was already dead, but you arrived just in time to kick the corpse while it was yet warm, and for this service you propose to administer upon the estate, keeping the most valuable part for your honesty. You will then revive the dead, buried and damned and reinstate him in possession of the remainder!
McK.(aside)—O, will I?
Sag.—Apparently, Señor Presidente, this worthy person is afflicted with a flow of language. (Aside) The Porco Americano has the habit of blushing.
McK.(to Sagasta)—Yes, the Filipino always has his tongue in his ear. (To Aguinaldo) Proceed with the address.
Ag.—It is as if the French, having assisted your forefathers to independence, had kept Boston and all New England for themselves and restored the other colonies to Great Britain. If the Good Samaritan, arriving while the man fallen among thieves was still struggling with them, had assisted him to beat them off, had then taken his purse and delivered him to the thieves again you would have had a Scriptural precedent.
Sag.(writing in a notebook)—“At a certain temperature the Porco Americano can sweat.”
McK.—My great and good friend, you seem to have your climate with you, as well as your chin. I must beg you to abridge your oration against manifest destiny.
Ag.—Destiny was a long time manifesting herself, but she has not been idle since. In the last four months you have torn up the three American political Holy Scriptures: Washington’s Farewell Address, the Monroe Doctrine and the Declaration of Independence. You now stand upon the fragments of the last and declare it an errorthat governments derive their just powers from the consent of the governed. In Hawaii you are founding a government on the consent of less than three per centum of the governed. In my country you propose to found one government and restore another against the unanimous dissent of eight millions of people whom you cheated into an alliance to that end. You cajoled them into assisting at the cutting of their own throats. Your only justification in making this war at all was Spain’s denial in Havana of the political principle which you now repudiate in Honolulu and Manila. Señores, we shall resist both the American and the Spanish occupation. You will be allies—embrace!
[Exit Sagasta.]
McK.—My dear boy, you are unduly alarmed: the notion of letting Spain keep those other islands is merely a Proposal Retractable—in undiplomatic language, an offer with a string to it.
Ag.—And your plan of holding Luzon—after taking it?
McK.—Rest in peace: that is only what we call an Intention Augmentable.
Ag.—Ah, Señor, you make me so happy!