THE COMICAL TRICKS OF LEPER THE TAYLOR.[93]
THE COMICAL TRICKS OF LEPER THE TAYLOR.[93]
Leper’s father lived in a village about six miles from Glasgow, and died when Leper was but very young, he left a widow and three children, two daughters and a son, and Leper being the youngest, was greatly idolized by his mother, who was a good soft natured woman, very industrious, and followed the business of bleaching of cloth.
As Leper grew up, he turned a very mischievous boy, playing tricks on the neighbourhood, such as tying cats to dogs-tails, breaking hen’s legs, stoping people’s lumbs or chimney-tops; so that his poor mother was sadly vex’d with complaints against him.
To get him kept from mischief, she prevailed with a taylor to take him an apprentice, he settled and was very peaceable for some time, until he had got so much of the trade on his finger-ends as he might pass for a journey-man, and then he was indifferent whether he stayed with his master or not; his mistress gave him but very little meat when they wrought at home, so he loved best to be in other houses, where he got both meat and diversion.[94]
Leper being resolved on revenge against his mistress, for her thin kail, no kitchen and little bread; for tho’ flesh was boiled in the pot, none for poor Leper and his master, but a little bit on Sabbaths, and all the bones were kept, and put in the pot, to make the broth thro’ the week. Leper perceived always when she took off the pot, she turned her back to them and took out the flesh, and set it on a shelf within her own bed;[95]one night after work, he steals out a pan, cuts a piece of flesh out of a dead horse, then goes to a lime kiln and boils it; next day his master being from home, his landlady and him being in the house, after she had set off the pot as usual, and taken out her bit of good beef, he goes out for some time, and then comes in, saying, The minister’s lass is wanting you to go directly and speak to her mistress, away she goes in all haste, Leper runs and takes away her bit of good beef, and lays down his horse-flesh, and knowing she would soon return in a passion, and sit down with a sosse in her cushion’d chair as she used, he takes a large prin and staps it straight up through the cushion, with its head on the chair and the point to her back-side: in she comes in a rage, and down she sits with all her weight on the prin point, and she roars out, Murder, murder, for she was sticket through the a—se, the neighbours came running in, and Leper got out with his bit of good beef, leaving the wives to doctor his landlady’s doup as they pleased; he still denied the doing of it, and his master believed it might happen accidentally, but the Houdie was very often to be had before the hole was got heal again; and his landlady by eating of that horse-beef, took a loathing at flesh, so Leper and his master got all the beef to eat ever after, and his landlady turned one of the kindest mistresses a prentice could wish for.
There was a neighbour wife on which Leper used to play tricks sometimes, for which she came and complained to hismaster, and got him severely beaten[96]several times: Leper resolved to be revenged on her, so one day he came to the back-side of her house, (no body being within but herself) and took up a big stone, and runs it along the rough wall with all his force, which roared like thunder in the inside of the house, and frightened the wife so, that she thought the house was tumbling down about her ears, upon which she ran out and sat down at a distance, looking when the house would fall down, till her husband came home, to whom she told the above story, ‘Hout daft Taupie, said he, the house will stand these hundred years,’ so by his persuasion they both went into the house, Leper (knowing they were both in) comes back and plays the same trick over again, which frighted the goodman also so much, that he cried out, ‘Run Maggy run, for my heart plays a’ pitty patty,’ and they would not lodge in the house any more, till the masons convinced them of its sufficiency.
There was another neighbour who had a snarling curr dog, which bit Leper’s leg; Leper resolved to be revenged on the dog, and so, one night he catches the dog and carries him to the kirk, where the rope of the bell hang upon the outside, so with his garter he tied the dog’s fore-foot to the rope, and left him hanging; the dog struggling to get free, set the bell a ringing, which alarmed the whole village, every one cried out, ‘Wonderful sirs! Wonderful sirs![97]the de’il is ringing the bell.’ When they saw the black colley hanging the rope, I true it set the minister and all the people to their prayers:[98]but Leper fearing he would be found out by his garter, came to the minister’s side and asked the reverend gentleman, what was the matter? Indeed my bairn (said he) it’s the de’il ringingthe kirk-bell; says Leper, I’ll go and see him, for I never saw the de’il; the minister cry’d, Stop that mad laddie, but Leper ran and loused the dog, crying, It’s such a man’s dog, which had the rope in his teeth, they all cried out, ‘The de’il is in the dog, the de’il is in the dog,’ took up some stones and fell’d poor colley, and the de’il got the blame of making the dog ring the bell, this spread Leper’s fame for being one of the wisest and most couragious taylors that was in all the kingdom; and many shaking their heads, said, ‘It was a pity he was a taylor, but a captain or general of an army, as the devil could not fear him.’
After this a farmer in the neighbourhood, hearing the fame of Leper, how he had frighted the de’il frae being a bell-man, sent for him to an ale-house, and drank with him very heartily, and told him he was sadly born down with the spirit of jealousy against his wife, on suspicion of being too free with a servant-lad she had before, and if he would keep it secret, and learn him how to find it out, he would give his mother a load of meal, to which Leper and him agrees, so he gave the poor supposed cockold instructions how to behave. So home he goes and feigns himself to be very sick, and every day worse and worse, taking death to him, blesses his three small children, and charges his wife not to marry until his children could do something for themselves: This hypocritical woman takes the roaring, a-ha, marry, she would never marry! No, no, there should never man ly by her side, nor kiss her lips after thee, my lamb Johnny——Then he acted the dying man as well as possibly he could, the neighbours were called in, and he’s fair o’erseen[99]as the old saying is, Before good neighbours; the sorrowful widow made a sad lament, wrung her hands, and tearing her hair,——the reverend women[100]about began todress the corpse, asked her for a shirt, ay, ay, said she, He has twa new linen sarks, and there is an auld ane in the bottom of the kist it nae body can wear, just take it, ony thing is good enough for the grave; well, said they, we must have some linen for a winding sheet, a’well, co’ she, I ha’ twa cut o’ linen in the kist, but there is a pair of auld linen sheets hol’d in the mids, may do well enough, I had need to be carefu’, I’m a poor widow the day, wi’ three sma’ bairns. Awell, the corpse is dress’d, and laid on the top of a big chest, while the neighbours sat by her condoling her misfortune, and wondering how the funeral raisins were to be provided; said one, the coffin must be seen about first. Ay, ay, said she, he has some new deals in the barn he bought to mak a bed o’, but we’ll no break them, there is the auld barn-door and the chaff-kist will do well enough, ony thing’s good enough to gang to the grave; but O, co’ she, send for Sandy my honest auld servant, and he’ll see every thing right done, I’ll tell him where he’ll get siller to do ony thing wi’, he’s the lad it will not see me wrang’d; then Sandy comes wrying his face and rubbing his eyes, O Sandy, there is a sad alteration here, and ba-a-a she cries like a bitten calf, O sirs, will ye gang a’ butt the house till I tell Sandy what to do; butt they goes, and there she fell a kissing of Sandy, and said, Now my dear, the auld channering ghaist is awa,’ and we’ll get our will o’ ither; be as haining of every thing as you can, for thou kens it’s a’ thy ain; but the corpse’s sister and some other people came in, and ben they came to see the corpse, lifts the cloth off his face, and seeing him all in a pour of sweat, said, Hegh, he’s a bonny corp,[101]and a lively like colour, when he could no longer contain to carry on the joke, but up he got amongst them, a deal of the people ran for it, and his wife cried out, O my dear, do ye ken me? Ay ye base jade and whore, betterthan ever I did. Jumps on to the floor and gets his staff, and runs after Sandy, and catches him in the fields a little from the house, gives him a hearty beating, never tell’d him for what; returns to the house, ate and drank with his sister and neighbours who had come to see his corpse; poor Sandy went home with a skinful of terror, and a sorting of sore bones, took a sore fever, and died in a few days after, so he got quit of his cockler, and Leper’s mother got her meal.
Leper’s mother was a careful industrious wife, but as the by-word is ‘A working mother makes a daly daughter,’ and so it happened here, for she had two idle glaket sluts of daughters, that would do nothing but ly in their bed in the morning, till (as the saying is) ‘The sun was like to burn a hole in their backsides;’ the old woman being at this time busy bleaching some cloth, was very early at work in the mornings, and Leper’s patience was worn out with the laziness of his two sisters, and he resolved to play a trick on them for their reformation; so he goes and gets a mortcloth[102]and spreads it upon the bed above them, and sends the dead bell[103]thro’ the town, inviting the people to his sisters’ burial the next day, at four o’clock afternoon, for they had died suddenly; this brought all the neighbour-wives in, who one after another lifted the mortcloth, and said with a great sigh, ‘They’re gone to their rest, a sudden call indeed!’ Their aunt hearing of this sudden news, came running in all haste, and coming through the green where the jades mother was at work, who was ignorant of the story, she cries out, ‘Fy upon you, woman, fy upon you,’ says she. What’s the matter, sister? What’s the matter? ‘I think ye may let your work stand for ae day,when your daughters are lying corpse.’ My bairns corpse! I am certain they went to bedheal and fairlast night. But I tell you (says the other) the dead bell has been through the town, warning the folk to the burial, then the mother cries out, ‘O the villain, O the villain, that he did not send me word.’ So they both ran, and the mother as soon as she entered the house, flies into the bed, crying, ‘O my bairns, my dear bairns!’ on which the sluts rises up in a consternation, to the great surprize of the beholders, and to the great diversion of the whole town, and to the great mortification of girls, who thought shame to set their noses out of doors.
Leper and his master went to a gentleman’s house to work, where there was a saucy house-keeper, who had more ignorance and pride, than good sense and manners; she domineered over her fellow-servants in a tyrannical manner; Leper resolved to mortify her pride; so he finds an ant’s nest, and takes their white eggs, grinds them to a powder, and puts them into the dish her supper-sowens was to be put in. After she had taken her supper, as she was covering the table, the imock-powder began to operate, and she let a great fart, well done Margaret, says the laird, she runs away for shame, but before she turned herself round, she gives another raird. My faith, says the Laird, Margaret, your arse would take a cautioner; before she got out of the chamber-door, she lets fly another crack; then she goes to order her fellow-servant to give the laird his supper, but before she could give the necessary directions, she gave fire again, which set them all a laughing; she runs into a room by herself, and there she played away her one gun battery so fast, as she had been sieging the Havannah. The laird and lady came to hear the fun, they were like to split their sides at proud Maggy, so next morning she left the place, to the great joy of her fellow servants.
(The end of the First Part.)
N.B.—In the Second Part, will be a deal of very diverting Stories done by LEPER, when he was a Journeyman and Master.
N.B.—In the Second Part, will be a deal of very diverting Stories done by LEPER, when he was a Journeyman and Master.