PART V.
Next day, George, according to his promise, went to the bishop’s lodging; but no sooner did the bishop see George, than he saluted him with these words:
Your servant, master wise man,And yet you have no books:How can one have knowledge,That no man instructs?
Your servant, master wise man,And yet you have no books:How can one have knowledge,That no man instructs?
Your servant, master wise man,
And yet you have no books:
How can one have knowledge,
That no man instructs?
George answered,
Your servant, master bishop,Your salutation’s good:Your knowledge is in your library,While other’s is in their hood.
Your servant, master bishop,Your salutation’s good:Your knowledge is in your library,While other’s is in their hood.
Your servant, master bishop,
Your salutation’s good:
Your knowledge is in your library,
While other’s is in their hood.
Now, after a sumptuous dinner, the bishop took George into his library, showing him a great quantity of books; which George praised very much, and among the rest, was an old Hebrew Bible, which George taking up, asked the bishop what book it was? the bishop looking at it very sincerely, said he could not tell. Why then do you keep a book, you don’t know the name of? It may be the book of black art. No, I don’t think that, said the bishop, but can you tell what it is? Yes, says George, it is the Bible, the best book for a bishop I know, if he had eyes to see the inside of it. So he desired George to read a piece of it: but when he did, he could not understand it; therefore, he desired him to explain it: which sentence he did as follows, Isaiah ix. 19, “For the leaders of this people cause them to err: and they that are led of them, are destroyed.” To which George added, This is the blind leading the blind. So, taking his leave of the bishop, he parted with him, saying these words:
Good night, hail master bishop,Of books you have great store;Yet cannot read the half of them;Then what use are they for?
Good night, hail master bishop,Of books you have great store;Yet cannot read the half of them;Then what use are they for?
Good night, hail master bishop,
Of books you have great store;
Yet cannot read the half of them;
Then what use are they for?
Many of the clergymen in England desired greatly to be incompany of George, because of his comical and witty expressions; so George happened one night to be called into a company, where there were two bishops, as also a priest who wanted to be licensed by them. One of the bishops asked George, why the people in Scotland did not love bishops? Because, says George, they are like old beggars, advanced to be rulers over barrow-men, still instructing them in things they know not themselves, ordering them to carry stones to the builders, which they will not receive, and which they themselves had never power to move; the Scots having knowledge of this, hate to see bishops have great lordships for their ignorance, and the poor labourer have little or nothing for their toil. One of the bishops looking at George, with an angry countenance, answered, saying, You Scot must be made a bishop yourself, and we bishops made priests, and that will serve well for your turn. No, no, said George, that will not do; for if I be made a bishop, I’ll have no broken bishops to serve as priests under me, for they are such bad masters they’ll become the worst of all servants. At this the two bishops left the room in a great passion, leaving George and the young priest only by themselves. Now, now, says George, this proves the bishops to be but hirelings, and not true shepherds, pointing to the young priest, you see they are fled for their own safety and they have left you a lamb, before the mouth of me a fox, and who knows but I may worry you! Run, run, too, master sheep, says George, and if you have eyes guide them two blind shepherds down stairs, and over ditches, but I am afraid you’ll tumble all in a ditch together. This raised such an indignation in the bishops’ breasts, that they desired no more of George’s company or conversation.
One time after this, George being in the country about twenty miles from London, and on his way homeward, came up after him a fine gilded coach, which George being informed belonged to the bishop of Canterbury, and was going to London for his lordship; George addresses himself to the coachman, for to have a passage with him in the coach to London; so he bargained with the coachman for two dollars to carry him to the Bell inn on London bridge; the one hegave him in hand, as he entered the coach door, and the other he was to give him as soon as ever he would see him come out at the coach door; so away the coachman drives for London in all haste; in which time George wrote the following MOTTO:
Here sits the bishop of Canterbury,Who at the schools disdain’d to tarry,Far better skill’d at games than preaching.Although he lives by others teachingBlind leaders of the blind indeed;’Tis blind and lame who chariots need,Six brutes with eyes, this brute doth carry,I mean the bishop of Canterbury.My feet being lame, I gave a dollar,To be drove in state like you a scholar;For which, myself I do abhor;Shame caus’d me make another door.
Here sits the bishop of Canterbury,Who at the schools disdain’d to tarry,Far better skill’d at games than preaching.Although he lives by others teachingBlind leaders of the blind indeed;’Tis blind and lame who chariots need,Six brutes with eyes, this brute doth carry,I mean the bishop of Canterbury.My feet being lame, I gave a dollar,To be drove in state like you a scholar;For which, myself I do abhor;Shame caus’d me make another door.
Here sits the bishop of Canterbury,
Who at the schools disdain’d to tarry,
Far better skill’d at games than preaching.
Although he lives by others teaching
Blind leaders of the blind indeed;
’Tis blind and lame who chariots need,
Six brutes with eyes, this brute doth carry,
I mean the bishop of Canterbury.
My feet being lame, I gave a dollar,
To be drove in state like you a scholar;
For which, myself I do abhor;
Shame caus’d me make another door.
These lines George battered upon the inside of the coach, and when he came within a mile of London, took a knife, and cut a great hole in the backside of the coach, where he came out; and to make his promise good to the coachman, that he was to give him the other dollar as soon as ever he saw him come out at the coach-door. The poor coachman drove on till he came to the foresaid inn, where he alighted and opened the door to let out his passenger; but seeing the coach empty, and a great hole in the backside of it, he cried out, he believed he had had the devil in the coach, and that he had taken away the backside of it with him. The people of the inn came all flocking about to see what was done, and then perceiving the lines on the inside of the coach, which the bishop came and read himself, they all concluded it to be done by George, but could make nothing of it; for, the bishop said, to pursue him might make it worse, but no better.
George was invited one day by a great lawyer to come and see a new building which he had lately built of fine freestone and marble. He desired George to guess what it was built with; George answers, Do you think that I do not knowwhat it is built with: No, you do not, says the lawyer: Yes, I do, says George; it cannot stand long, for malice and hatred is the mortar of it, and the stones are the heads of foolish people, polished over with the tongue of an ass. What, says the lawyer, do you compare me to an ass? O! sir, don’t you remember that an ass was made an advocate, and spoke against Balaam. The lawyer to this would give no answer, but took good night of George.
Three merchants, pedlars (as they professed to be) came with a pack of goods, to put a trick upon a widow Woman who kept an inn on the highway side; after they had drunk very hearty, they desired the Woman to lay up the pack securely, and charged her strictly, before witnesses, to deliver it to none of them, unless they came altogether for it again, and in about three weeks thereafter, two of them returned and desired the woman to give them the pack: telling her, that the other man was gone to such a fair with another pack, where they were all to meet; and that they were fellow-travellers, conjunct in trade, and how they all had a right to the pack alike; whereupon the poor simple Woman, not dreading any further harm, gave them the pack. So in a few days thereafter, the other man comes and demands the pack; the honest Woman told him plainly, that the other two men had been there before, and got it away: then he began to demonstrate to the Woman, what great danger she was in, and forthwith raised a process against her by law, which cost the poor Woman a vast of money to defend, as the plea continued more than two full years: and a great court being one day to sit upon the process to decide it, which would undoubtedly have been done in favour of the pursuer, the proof being so clear, and the woman herself not denying what the bargain was when she got the pack to keep. The poor Woman being in great straits, her purse being turned empty, and her attorney told her plainly, as her money was done, he could no longer defend her; the Woman once more plucked up her heart, and went to London to employ a new attorney to speak for her; but for want of gold, she could get none to undertake it. George being in a house where he heard thepoor Woman making a mournful complaint to one of her attornies, who gave her no comfort or satisfaction; for when she told him, she had no money to spend, or give in defence of it, the attorney went away and would hear no more of the Woman’s grievous complaint, which made George to laugh very heartily, while the poor Widow sat weeping like one distracted. Poor woman, says George, you need not think that man will speak a word for you, or any else, unless you had brought him a purse of gold to loose his tongue; but as I have got a scheme in the matter, you may go home, and have patience until the time come; and then, my life for yours, poor Woman, that I shall send you an attorney, who will do your business for nothing. He gave the poor Woman more courage than any she had spoken with in London; for every one told her, that all the attornies in the World could not free her. So accordingly at the day appointed, George dressed himself like an attorney with his gown, and every thing as he had been really so. The court being fenced, and the process read over, expences and the value of the pack, having amounted to above seven hundred pounds, was ordered to be put in decreet against the poor Widow, which every one was bemoaning, but could give her no relief. Now George kept himself silent, hearing them all with great patience, until the very nick of time, he thought proper to address himself to the judges as followeth. My lords, judges and gentlemen of this honourable Court and company, I have come from London, gratis, out of pure pity, to speak a word or two in favour of this poor Woman, who hath exhausted all her means in defence of a false accusation charged against her; and now when her money is gone, her speakers are dumb, and I see none to plead the cause of this poor Widow. Now, when sentence is upon the tapis of being pronounced against her, I earnestly desire this court to modify and drop the expences altogether. It is enough when the poor Woman has the pack to pay: for you all know the woman was no way enriched by it, when the other two men got it away. Then the pursuers attorney made answer as follows. Sir, I would have thought that you, who have come from London, and professes to be a doctor oflaw, should know better things; know ye not, that he who gains the plea, gains his expences as well as the sum, or be what it will. Yes, it must, and shall be so, said the judges. Then, said George, This is all I want; which set the whole court a-laughing, thinking he was a fool and become an adversary to the poor Woman. Give over your sport, gentlemen, says George, I have not done yet.—My lords, judges, you’ll bear me in this, if the poor Woman made a bargain with this merchant, and the other two who was with him, for to keep that pack safely, and to deliver it to none of them, until they were all three present; now, let that man, who is here at the time, go and seek the other two, and they shall have their pack, for she has the pack safe enough; but she will keep by her first bargain. So I refer to you, judges and gentlemen, if this poor Woman be not in the right. This made the judges look one to another, and the whole Court with one voice, declared the Woman to be in the right, and ordered the pursuer to go and seek his two companions. No, no, says George, the poor Woman must first have her expences, or security for it. Then the judges caused the pursuer to be arrested at the bar, until the Woman got satisfaction for all her trouble and expences. So George returned to London unknown, but for an advocate, whose fame was spread over all England; which caused many who had law-suits to search through London for him, but could never find the advocate who had gained the Widow’s law-plea.
George being one day in the country, and coming thro’ a village, there came a great big mastiff dog and gripped him by the leg, until the blood followed his long teeth; George, with one stroke of his cane came over his eyes, until he fell down and died upon the spot; ’tis well for thee, says George, that I killed thee before thou wast brought to justice, for thou hadst certainly been hanged for what thou hast done, and thy master severely fined for keeping thee. The owner of the dog hearing George say so, went off without speaking a word to George, for fear it had been so.
A country gentleman came one time, and enquired at George what he thought was the reason he lost every law-suitor plea he set his face to; though never so just a claim, the law went still against him. George asked him, whom he employed, and he told him, that he was one of the best and ablest attorneys in England. Yes, says George, I believe he may be so; but when you go to law again, if you have a mind to win it, when you give your own attorney a guinea give your adversary two; for these attornies are much after the nature of an ass, they won’t speak right, if you do not throw a multitude of angels before them (meaning pieces of English money, called angels by name). The gentleman returned in a few weeks thereafter, and heartily thanked George for his good advice, for he was not afraid now, but he could gain any plea he took in hand, just or unjust.[205]
Two drunken fellows one day fell a-beating one another on the streets of London, which caused a great croud of people to throng together to see what it was; a taylor being at work up in a high garret, about three or four stories high, and he hearing the noise in the street, looked over the window, but could not well see them; he began to stretch himself, making a long neck until he fell down out of the window, and alighted on an old man, who was walking on the street: the poor taylor was more afraid than hurt, but the man he fell on died directly. His son caused the taylor to be apprehended, and tried for the murder of his father; the jury could not bring it in as wilful murder, neither could they altogether free the taylor; the jury gave it over to the judges, and the judges to the king: the king asked George’s advice in this hard matter. Why, says George, I will give you my opinion in a minute; you must cause the taylor to stand in the street, in the same place where the old gentleman was when he was killed by the taylor, and then let the old gentleman’s son, the taylor’s adversary, go up to the window from whence the taylor fell, and jump down, and so kill the taylor, as he did his father; for I can make no more of it. You see it was a great mercy for the taylor he had the old gentleman belowhim, else he had been killed on the spot; and that it was the old gentleman’s lot or misfortune to die there. The taylor’s adversary hearing this sentence past, he would not venture to jump over the window, and so the taylor got clear off.