The ARGUMENT.
This Colloquy treats chiefly of three Things, 1. Of the superstitious Pilgrimages of some Persons toJerusalem,and other holy Places, under Pretence of Devotion. 2. That Vows are not to be made rashly over a Pot of Ale: but that Time, Expence and Pains ought to be employ d otherwise, in such Matters as have a real Tendency to promote trite Piety. 3. Of the Insignificancy and Absurdity of Popish Indulgencies.
ARNOLDUS.O!Cornelius, well met heartily, you have been lost this hundred Years.
Co.What my old CompanionArnoldus, the Man I long'd to see most of any Man in the World! God save you.
Ar.We all gave thee over for lost. But prithee where hast been rambling all this While?
Co.In t'other World.
Ar.Why truly a Body would think so by thy slovenly Dress, lean Carcase, and ghastly Phyz.
Co.Well, but I am just come fromJerusalem, not from theStygianShades.
Ar.What Wind blew thee thither?
Co.What Wind blows a great many other Folks thither?
Ar.Why Folly, or else I am mistaken.
Co.However, I am not the only Fool in the World.
Ar.What did you hunt after there?
Co.Why Misery.
Ar.You might have found that nearer Home. But did you meet with any Thing worth seeing there?
Co.Why truly, to speak ingenuously, little or nothing. They shew us some certain Monuments of Antiquity, which I look upon to be most of 'em Counterfeits, and meer Contrivances to bubble the Simple and Credulous. I don't think they know precisely the Place thatJerusalemanciently stood in.
Ar.What did you see then?
Co.A great deal of Barbarity every where.
Ar.But I hope you are come back more holy than you went.
Co.No indeed, rather ten Times worse.
Ar.Well, but then you are richer?
Co.Nay, rather poorer thanJob.
Ar.But don't you repent you have taken so long a Journey to so little Purpose?
Co.No, nor I am not asham'd neither, I have so many Companions of my Folly to keep me in Countenance; and as for Repentance, it's too late now.
Ar.What! do you get no Good then by so dangerous a Voyage?
Co.Yes, a great Deal.
Ar.What is it?
Co.Why, I shall live more pleasantly for it for Time to come.
Ar.What, because you'll have the Pleasure of telling old Stories when the Danger is over?
Co.That is something indeed, but that is not all.
Ar.Is there any other Advantage in it besides that?
Co.Yes, there is.
Ar.What is it? Pray tell me.
Co.Why, I can divert myself and Company, as oft as I have a Mind to it, in romancing upon my Adventures over a Pot of Ale, or a good Dinner.
Ar.Why, truly that is something, as you say.
Co.And besides, I shall take as much Pleasure myself when I hear others romancing about Things they never heard nor saw; nay, and that they do with that Assurance, that when they are telling the most ridiculous and impossible Things in Nature, they persuade themselves they are speaking Truth all the While.
Ar.This is a wonderful Pleasure. Well then, you have not lost all your Cost and Labour, as the Saying is.
Co.Nay, I think this is something better still than what they do, who, for the sake of little Advance-money, list themselves for Soldiers in the Army, which is the Nursery of all Impiety.
Ar.But it is an ungentleman-like Thing to take Delight in telling Lies.
Co.But it is a little more like a Gentleman than either to delight others, or be delighted in slandering other Persons, or lavishing away a Man's Time or Substance in Gaming.
Ar.Indeed I must be of your Mind in that.
Co.But then there is another Advantage.
Ar.What is that?
Co.If there shall be any Friend that I love very well, who shall happen to be tainted with this Phrensy, I will advise him to stay at Home; as your Mariners that have been cast away, advise them that are going to Sea, to steer clear of the Place where they miscarried.
Ar.I wish you had been my Moniter in Time.
Co.What Man! Have you been infected with this Disease too?
Ar.Yes, I have been atRomeandCompostella.
Co.Good God! how I am pleas'd that you have been as great a Fool as I! WhatPallasput that into your Head?
Ar.NoPallas, butMoriarather, especially when I left at Home a handsome young Wife, several Children, and a Family, who had nothing in the World to depend upon for a Maintenance but my daily Labour.
Co.Sure it must be some important Reason that drew you away from all these engaging Relations. Prithee tell me what it was.
Ar.I am asham'd to tell it.
Co.You need not be asham'd to tell me, who, you know, have been sick of the same Distemper.
Ar.There was a Knot of Neighbours of us drinking together, and when the Wine began to work in our Noddles, one said he had a Mind to make a Visit to St.James, and another to St.Peter; presently there was one or two that promis'd to go with them, till at last it was concluded upon to go all together; and I, that I might not seem a disagreeable Companion, rather than break good Company, promised to go too. The next Question was, whether we should go toRomeorCompostella? Upon the Debate it was determin'd that we should all, God willing, set out the next Day for both Places.
Co.A grave Decree, fitter to be writ in Wine than engrav'd in Brass.
Ar.Presently a Bumper was put about to our good Journey, which when every Man had taken off in his Turn, the Vote passed into an Act, and became inviolable.
Co.A new Religion! But did you all come safe back?
Ar.All but three, one dy'd by the Way, and gave us in Charge to give his humble Service toPeterandJames; another dy'd atRome, who bad us remember him to his Wife and Children; and the third we left atFlorencedangerously ill, and I believe he is in Heaven before now.
Co.Was he so good a Man then?
Ar.The veriest Droll in Nature.
Co.Why do you think he is in Heaven then?
Ar.Because he had a whole Satchel full of large Indulgencies.
Co.I understand you, but it is a long Way to Heaven, and a very dangerous one too, as I am told, by reason of the little Thieves that infest the middle Region of the Air.
Ar.That's true, but he was well fortify'd with Bulls.
Co.What Language were they written in?
Ar.InLatin.
Co.And will they secure him?
Ar.Yes, unless he should happen upon some Spirit that does not understandLatin, in that Case he must go back toRome, and get a new Passport.
Co.Do they sell Bulls there to dead Men too?
Ar.Yes.
Co.But by the Way, let me advise you to have a Care what you say, for now there are a great many Spies abroad.
Ar.I don't speak slightingly of Indulgencies themselves, but I laugh at the Folly of my fuddling Companion, who tho' he was the greatest Trifler that ever was born, yet chose rather to venture the whole Stress of his Salvation upon a Skin of Parchment than upon the Amendment of his Life. But when shall we have that merry Bout you spoke of just now?
Co.When Opportunity offers we'll set a Time for a small Collation, and invite some of our Comrades, there we will tell Lies, who can lye fastest, and divert one another with Lies till we have our Bellies full.
Ar.Come on, a Match.
The ARGUMENT.
In this Colloquy those Persons are reprehended that run to and again toRomehunting after Benefices, and that oftentimes with the Hazard of the Corruption of their Morals, and the Loss of their Money. The Clergy are admonished to divert themselves with reading of good Books, rather than with a Concubine. Jocular Discourse concerning a long Nose.
PAM.Either my Sight fails me, or this is my old Pot-CompanionCocles.
Co.No, no, your Eyes don't deceive you at all, you see a Companion that is yours heartily. Nobody ever thought to have seen you again, you have been gone so many Years, and no Body knew what was become of you. But whence come you from? Prithee tell me.
Pa.From theAntipodes.
Co.Nay, but I believe you are come from the fortunate Islands.
Pa.I am glad you know your old Companion, I was afraid I should come home asUlyssesdid.
Co.Why pray? After what Manner did he come Home?
Pa.His own Wife did not know him; only his Dog, being grown very old, acknowledg'd his Master, by wagging his Tail.
Co.How many Years was he from Home?
Pa.Twenty.
Co.You have been absent more than twenty Years, and yet I knew your Face again. But who tells that Story ofUlysses?
Pa.Homer.
Co.He? They say he's the Father of all fabulous Stories. It may be his Wife had gotten herself a Gallant in the mean time, and therefore did not know her ownUlysses.
Pa.No, nothing of that, she was one of the chastest Women in the World. ButPallashad madeUlysseslook old, that he might not be known.
Co.How came he to be known at last?
Pa.By a little Wart that he had upon one of his Toes. His Nurse, who was now a very old Woman, took Notice of that as she was washing his Feet.
Co.A curious old Hagg. Well then, do you admire that I know you that have so remarkable a Nose.
Pa.I am not at all sorry for this Nose.
Co.No, nor have you any Occasion to be sorry for having a Thing that is fit for so many Uses.
Pa.For what Uses?
Co.First of all, it will serve instead of an Extinguisher, to put out Candles.
Pa.Go on.
Co.Again, if you want to draw any Thing out of a deep Pit, it will serve instead of an Elephant's Trunk.
Pa.O wonderful.
Co.If your Hands be employ'd, it will serve instead of a Pin.
Pa.Is it good for any Thing else?
Co.If you have no Bellows, it will serve to blow the Fire.
Pa.This is very pretty; have you any more of it?
Co.If the Light offends you when you are writing, it will serve for an Umbrella.
Pa.Ha, ha, ha! Have you any Thing more to say?
Co.In a Sea-fight it will serve for a Grappling-hook.
Pa.What will it serve for in a Land-fight?
Co.Instead of a Shield.
Pa.And what else?
Co.It will serve for a Wedge to cleave Wood withal.
Pa.Well said.
Co.If you act the Part of a Herald, it will be for a Trumpet; if you sound an Alarm, a Horn; if you dig, a Spade; if you reap, a Sickle; if you go to Sea, an Anchor; in the Kitchen it will serve for a Flesh-hook; and in Fishing a Fish-hook.
Pa.I am a happy Fellow indeed, I did not know I carry'd about me a Piece of Houshold Stuff that would serve for so many Uses.
Co.But in the mean Time, in what Corner of the Earth have you hid yourself all this While?
Pa.InRome.
Co.But is it possible that in so publick a Place no Body should know you were alive?
Pa.Good Men are no where in the World so muchincognitoas there, so that in the brightest Day you shall scarce see one in a throng'd Market.
Co.Well, but then you're come home loaden with Benefices.
Pa.Indeed I hunted after them diligently, but I had no Success; for the Way of Fishing there is according to the Proverb, with a golden Hook.
Co.That's a foolish Way of Fishing.
Pa.No Matter for that, some Folks find it a very good Way.
Co.Are they not the greatest Fools in Nature that change Gold for Lead?
Pa.But don't you know that there are Veins of Gold in holy Lead?
Co.What then! Are you come back nothing but aPamphagus?
Pa.No.
Co.What then, pray?
Pa.A ravenous Wolf.
Co.But they make a better Voyage of it, that return laden with Budgets full of Benefices. Why had you rather have a Benefice than a Wife?
Pa.Because I love to live at Ease. I love to live a pleasant Life.
Co.But in my Opinion they live the most pleasant Life that have at Home a pretty Girl, that they may embrace as often as they have a Mind to it.
Pa.And you may add this to it, sometimes when they have no Mind to it. I love a continual Pleasure; he that marries a Wife is happy for a Month, but he that gets a fat Benefice lives merrily all his Life.
Co.But Solitude is so melancholy a Life, thatAdam, inParadisecould not have liv'd happily unless God had given him anEve.
Pa.He'll ne'er need to want anEvethat has gotten a good Benefice.
Co.But that Pleasure can't really be call'd Pleasure that carries an ill Name and bad Conscience with it.
Pa.You say true, and therefore I design to divert the Tediousness of Solitude by a Conversation with Books.
Co.They are the pleasantest Companions in the World. But do you intend to return to your Fishing again?
Pa.Yes, I would, if I could get a fresh Bait.
Co.Would you have a golden one or a silver one?
Pa.Either of them.
Co.Be of good Cheer, your Father will supply you.
Pa.He'll part with nothing; and especially he'll not trust me again, when he comes to understand I have spent what I had to no Purpose.
Co.That's the Chance of the Dice.
Pa.But he don't like those Dice.
Co.If he shall absolutely deny you, I'll shew you where you may have as much as you please.
Pa.You tell me good News indeed, come shew it me, my Heart leaps for Joy.
Co.It is here hard by.
Pa.Why, have you gotten a Treasure?
Co.If I had, I would have it for myself, not for you.
Pa.If I could but get together 100 Ducats I should be in Hopes again.
Co.I'll shew you where you may have 100,000.
Pa.Prithee put me out of my Pain then, and do not teaze me to Death. Tell me where I may have it.
Co.From theAsse Budæi, there you may find a great many Ten Thousands, whether you'd have it Gold or Silver.
Pa.Go and be hang'd with your Banter, I'll pay you what I owe you out of that Bank.
Co.Ay, so you shall, but it shall be what I lend you out of it.
Pa.I know your waggish Tricks well enough.
Co.I'm not to be compar'd to you for that.
Pa.Nay, you are the veriest Wag in Nature, you are nothing but Waggery; you make a Jest of a serious Matter. In this Affair it is far easier Matter to teaze me than it is to please me. The Matter is of too great a Consequence to be made a Jest on. If you were in my Case you would not be so gamesome; you make a mere Game of me; you game and banter me. You joke upon me in a Thing that is not a joking Matter.
Co.I don't jeer you, I speak what I think. Indeed I do not laugh, I speak my Mind. I speak seriously. I speak from my Heart. I speak sincerely. I speak the Truth.
Pa.So may your Cap stand always upon your Head, as you speak sincerely. But do I stand loitering here, and make no haste Home to see how all Things go there?
Co.You'll find a great many Things new.
Pa.I believe I shall; but I wish I may find all Things as I would have them.
Co.We may all wish so if we will, but never any Body found it so yet.
Pa.Our Rambles will do us both this Good, that we shall like Home the better for Time to come.
Co.I can't tell that, for I have seen some that have play'd the same Game over and over again; if once this Infection seizes a Person he seldom gets rid of it.
The ARGUMENT.
The wicked Life of Soldiers is here reprehended, and shewn to be very miserable: That War is Confusion, and a Sink of all manner of Vices, in as much as in it there is no Distinction made betwixt Things sacred and profane. The Hope of Plunder allures many to become Soldiers. The Impieties of a Military Life are here laid open, by this Confession of a Soldier, that Youth may be put out of Conceit of going into the Army.
Hanno.How comes it about that you that went away aMercury, come back aVulcan?
Thr.What do you talk to me of yourMercuriesand yourVulcansfor?
Ha.Because you seem'd to be ready to fly when you went away, but you're come limping Home.
Thr.I'm come back like a Soldier then.
Ha.You a Soldier, that would out-run a Stag if an Enemy were at your Heels.
Thr.The Hope of Booty made me valiant.
Ha.Well, have you brought Home a good Deal of Plunder then?
Thr.Empty Pockets.
Ha.Then you were the lighter for travelling.
Thr.But I was heavy loaden with Sin.
Ha.That's heavy Luggage indeed, if the Prophet says right, who calls Sin Lead.
Thr.I have seen and had a Hand in more Villanies this Campaign than in the whole Course of my Life before.
Ha.How do you like a Soldier's Life?
Thr.There is no Course of Life in the. World more wicked or more wretched.
Ha.What then must be in the Minds of those People, that for the Sake of a little Money, and some out of Curiosity, make as much Haste to a Battel as to a Banquet?
Thr.In Truth, I can think no other but they are possess'd; for if the Devil were not in them they would never anticipate their Fate.
Ha.So one would think, for if you'd put 'em upon any honest Business, they'll scarce stir a Foot in it for any Money. But tell me, how went the Battel? Who got the better on't?
Thr.There was such a Hallooing, Hurly-burly, Noise of Guns, Trumpets and Drums, Neighing of Horses, and Shouting of Men, that I was so far from knowing what others were a doing, that I scarcely knew where I was myself.
Ha.How comes it about then that others, after a Fight is over, do paint you out every Circumstance so to the Life, and tell you what such an Officer said, and what t'other did, as tho' they had been nothing but Lookers on all the Time, and had been every where at the same Time?
Thr.It is my Opinion that they lye confoundedly. I can tell you what was done in my own Tent, but as to what was done in the Battel, I know nothing at all of that.
Ha.Don't you know how you came to be lame neither?
Thr.Scarce that upon my Honour, but I suppose my Knee was hurt by a Stone, or a Horse-heel, or so.
Ha.Well, but I can tell you.
Thr.You tell me? Why, has any Body told you?
Ha.No, but I guess.
Thr.Tell me then.
Ha.When you were running away in a Fright, you fell down and hit it against a Stone.
Thr.Let me die if you han't hit the Nail on the Head.
Ha.Go, get you Home, and tell your Wife of your Exploits.
Thr.She'll read me a Juniper-Lecture for coming Home in such a Pickle.
Ha.But what Restitution will you make for what you have stolen?
Thr.That's made already.
Ha.To whom?
Thr.Why, to Whores, Sutlers, and Gamesters.
Ha.That's like a Soldier for all the World, it's but just that what's got over the Devil's Back should be spent under his Belly.
Ha.But I hope you have kept your Fingers all this While from Sacrilege?
Thr.There's nothing sacred in Hostility, there we neither spare private Houses nor Churches.
Ha.How will you make Satisfaction?
Thr.They say there is no Satisfaction to be made for what is done in War, for all Things are lawful there.
Ha.You mean by the Law of Arms, I suppose?
Thr.You are right.
Ha.But that Law is the highest Injustice. It was not the Love of your Country, but the Love of Booty that made you a Soldier.
Thr.I confess so, and I believe very few go into the Army with any better Design.
Ha.It is indeed some Excuse to be mad with the greater Part of Mankind.
Thr.I have heard a Parson say in his Pulpit that War was lawful.
Ha.Pulpits indeed are the Oracles of Truth. But War may be lawful for a Prince, and yet not so for you.
Thr.I have heard that every Man must live by his Trade.
Ha.A very honourable Trade indeed to burn Houses, rob Churches, ravish Nuns, plunder the Poor, and murder the Innocent!
Thr.Butchers are hired to kill Beasts; and why is our Trade found Fault with who are hired to kill Men?
Ha.But was you never thoughtful what should become of your Soul if you happen'd to be kill'd in the Battel?
Thr.Not very much; I was very well satisfied in my Mind, having once for all commended myself to St.Barbara.
Ha.And did she take you under her Protection?
Thr.I fancied so, for methought she gave me a little Nod.
Ha.What Time was it? In the Morning?
Thr.No, no, 'twas after Supper.
Ha.And by that Time I suppose the Trees seem'd to walk too?
Thr.How this Man guesses every Thing! But St.Christopherwas the Saint I most depended on, whose Picture I had always in my Eye.
Ha.What in your Tent?
Thr.We had drawn him with Charcoal upon our Sail-cloth.
Thr.Then to be sure thatChristopherthe Collier was a sure Card to trust to? But without jesting, I don't see how you can expect to be forgiven all these Villanies, unless you go toRome.
Thr.Yes, I can, I know a shorter Way than that.
Ha.What Way is that?
Thr.I'll go to theDominicans, and there I can do my Business with the Commissaries for a Trifle.
Ha.What, for Sacrilege?
Thr.Ay, if I had robb'd Christ himself, and cut off his Head afterwards, they have Pardons would reach it, and Commissions large enough to compound for it.
Ha.That is well indeed, if God should ratify your Composition.
Thr.Nay, I am rather afraid the Devil should not ratify it; God is of a forgiving Nature.
Ha.What Priest will you get you?
Thr.One that I know has but little Modesty or Honesty.
Ha.Like to like. And when that's over, you'll go strait away to the Communion, like a good Christian, will you not?
Thr.Why should I not? For after I have once discharg'd the Jakes of my Sins into his Cowl, and unburden'd myself of my Luggage, let him look to it that absolv'd me.
Ha.But how can you be sure that he does absolve you?
Thr.I know that well enough.
Ha.How do you know it?
Thr.Because he lays his Hand upon my Head and mutters over something, I don't know what.
Ha.What if he should give you all your Sins again when he lays his Hand upon your Head, and these should be the Words he mutters to himself?I absolve thee from all thy good Deeds, of which I find few or none in thee; I restore thee to thy wonted Manners, and leave thee just as I found thee.
Thr.Let him look to what he says, it is enough for me that I believe I am absolv'd.
Ha.But you run a great Hazard by that Belief, for perhaps that will not be Satisfaction to God, to whom thou art indebted.
Thr.Who a Mischief put you in my Way to disturb my Conscience, which was very quiet before?
Ha.Nay, I think it is a very happy Encounter to meet a Friend that gives good Advice.
Thr.I can't tell how good it is, but I am sure it is not very pleasant.
The COMMANDS OF A MASTER.
The ARGUMENT.
This Colloquy treats of the Commands of a Master, and the Business of a Servant, 1. The Master calls up his sleepy Servant, commands him to set the House to rights; the Servant answers again, that he speaks not a Word about Dinner, &c. 2. Of sending him on various Errands. 3. Concerning Riding.
1.Of calling up the Sleeper.
RA.Soho, soho, Rascal, I am hoarse a bawling to you, and you lye snoring still, you'll sleep for ever I think in my Conscience; either get up presently or I'll rouze you with a good Cudgel. When will you have slept out your Yesterday's Debauch? Are you not asham'd, you sleepy Sot, to lye a-bed till this time of Day? Good Servants rise as soon as it is Day, and take Care to get every Thing in order before their Master rises. How loth this Drone is to leave his warm Nest! he is a whole Hour a scratching, and stretching, and yawning.
Sy.It is scarce Day yet.
Ra.I believe not to you; it is Midnight yet to your Eyes.
Sy.What do you want me to do?
Ra.Make the Fire burn, brush my Cap and Cloke, clean my Shoes and Galloshoes, take my Stockings and turn them inside out, and brush them well, first within, and then without, burn a little Perfume to sweeten the Air, light a Candle, give me a clean Shirt, air it well before a clear Fire.
Sy.It shall be done Sir.
Ra.But make Haste then, all this ought to have been done before now.
Sy.I do make Haste Sir.
Ra.I see what Haste you make, you are never the forwarder, you go a Snail's Gallop.
Sy.Sir, I cannot do two Things at once.
Ra.You Scoundrel, do you speak Sentences too? Take away the Chamber-Pot, lay the Bed-Clothes to Rights, draw back the Curtains, sweep the House, sweep the Chamber-floor, fetch me some Water to wash my Hands. What are you a sliving about you Drone? You are a Year a lighting a Candle.
Sy.I can't find a Spark of Fire.
Ra.Is it so you rak'd it up last Night?
Sy.I have no Bellows.
Ra.How the Knave thwarts me, as if he that has you can want Bellows.
Sy.What an imperious Master have I gotten! Ten of the nimblest Fellows in the World are scarce sufficient to perform his Orders.
Ra.What's that you say you slow-Back?
Sy.Nothing at all, Sir.
Ra.No, Sirrah, did I not hear you mutter?
Sy.I was saying my Prayers.
Ra.Ay, I believe so, but it was the Lord's-Prayer backwards then. Pray, what was that you were chattering about Imperiousness?
Sy.I was wishing you might be an Emperor.
Ra.And I wish you may be made a Man of a Stump of a Tree. Wait upon me to Church, and then run Home and make the Bed, and put every Thing in its Place; let the House be set to Rights from Top to Bottom, rub the Chamber-Pot, put these foul Things out of Sight, perhaps I may have some Gentry come to pay me a Visit; if I find any Thing out of Order I'll thresh you soundly.
Sy.I know your good Humour well enough in that Matter.
Ra.Then it behoves you to look about you, if you are wise.
Sy.But all this while here is not one Word about Dinner.
Ra.Out you Villain, one may see what your Mind runs on. I don't dine at Home, therefore come to me a little before Ten a-Clock, that you may wait upon me where I am to go to Dinner.
Sy.You have taken Care of yourself, but there is not a Bit of Bread for me to put into my Head.
Ra.If you have nothing to eat, you have something to hunger after.
Sy.But Fasting won't fill the Belly.
Ra.There is Bread for you.
Sy.There is so, but it is as black as my Hat, and as coarse as the Bran itself.
Ra.You dainty chap'd Fellow, you ought to be fed with Hay, if you had such Commons as you deserve. What, I warrant you, Mr. Ass, you must be fed with Plumb Cakes, must you? If you can't eat dry Bread, take a Leek to eat with it, or an Onion, if you like that better.
* * * * *
2. Of sending about various Businesses.
Ra.You must go to Market.
Sy.What, so far?
Ra.It is not a Stone's Throw off, but it seems two Miles to such an idle Fellow as you; but however, I'll save you as much Labour as I can, you shall dispatch several Businesses in one Errand; count 'em upon your Fingers, that mayn't forget any of 'em: First of all step to the Salesman, and bring my water'd Camblet Doublet if it be done; then go and enquire forCorneliusthe Waggoner, he's commonly at the Sign of theRoe-buck, he uses that House, ask him if he has any Letters for me, and what Day he sets out on his Journey; then go to the Woollen Draper, and tell him from me, not to be uneasy, that I have not sent him the Money at the Time appointed, for he shall have it in a very little Time.
Sy.When? To morrow come never?
Ra.Do you grin you Pimp? Yes, before the first ofMarch: And as you come back, turn on the Left-hand, and go to the Bookseller, and enquire of him, if there be any new Books come out ofGermany, learn what they are, and the Price of them; then desireGoclenius, to do me the Honour to come to Supper with me, tell him I must sup by myself if he don't.
Sy.What do you invite Guests too? You han't Victuals enough in the House to give a Mouse a Meal.
Ra.And when you have done all these, go to the Market, and buy a Shoulder of Mutton, and get it nicely roasted: Do you hear this?
Sy.I hear more than I like to hear.
Ra.But take you Care you remember 'em all.
Sy.I shall scarce be able to remember half of 'em.
Ra.What do you stand loytering here, you idle Knave? You might have been back before now.
Sy.What one Person in the World can do all these? Truly I must wait upon him out, and attend upon him home; I'm his Swabber, his Chamberlain, his Footman, his Clerk, his Butler, his Book-keeper, his Brawl, his Errand-boy, and last of all he does not think I have Business enough upon my Hands, unless I am his Cook too.
* * * * *
3. Concerning Riding.
Ra.Bring me my Boots, I am to ride out.
Sy.Here they are, Sir.
Ra.You have look'd after them bravely, they are all over mouldy with lying by; I believe they han't been clean'd nor greased this twelve Months Day; they are so dry, they chap again; wipe them with a wet Cloth, and liquor them well before the Fire, and chafe them till they grow soft.
Sy.It shall be done, Sir.
Ra.Where are my Spurs?
Sy.Here they are.
Ra.Ay, here they are indeed, but all eaten up with Rust. Where is my Bridle and Saddle?
Sy.They are just by.
Ra.See that nothing is wanting or broken, or ready to break, that nothing may be a Hinderance to us, when we are upon our Journey. Run to the Sadlers, and get him to mend that Rein: When you come back, look upon the Horses Feet, and Shoes, and see if there be any Nails wanting, or loose. How lean and rough these Horses are! How often do you rub 'em down, or kemb them in a Year?
Sy.I'm sure I do it every Day?
Ra.That may be seen, I believe they have not had a bit of Victuals for three Days together.
Sy.Indeed they have, Sir.
Ra.You say so, but the Horses would tell me another Tale, if they could but speak: Though indeed their Leanness speaks loud enough.
Sy.Indeed I take all the Care in the World of 'em.
Ra.How comes it about then, that they don't look as well as you do?
Sy.Because I don't eat Hay.
Ra.You have this to do still; make ready my Portmanteau quickly.
Sy.It shall be done.
The SCHOOL-MASTER'S ADMONITIONS.
The ARGUMENT.
The School-master's Instructions teach a Boy Modesty, Civility, and Manners becoming his Age, in what Posture he ought to stand while he talks to his Superiors; concerning Habit, Discourse, and Behaviour at Table and in School.
The School-master and Boy.
Sch.You seem not to have been bred at Court, but in a Cow-stall; you behave yourself so clownishly. A Gentleman ought to behave himself like a Gentleman. As often or whenever any one that is your Superior speaks to you, stand strait, pull off your Hat, and look neither doggedly, surlily, saucily, malapertly, nor unsettledly, but with a staid, modest, pleasant Air in your Countenance, and a bashful Look fix'd upon the Person who speaks to you; your Feet set close one by t'other; your Hands without Action: Don't stand titter, totter, first standing upon one Foot, and then upon another, nor playing with your Fingers, biting your Lip, scratching your Head, or picking your Ears: Let your Cloaths be put on tight and neat, that your whole Dress, Air, Motion and Habit, may bespeak a modest and bashful Temper.
Bo.What if I shall try, Sir?
Ma.Do so.
Bo.Is this right?
Ma.Not quite.
Bo.Must I do so?
Ma.That's pretty well.
Bo.Must I stand so?
Ma.Ay, that's very well, remember that Posture; don't be a Prittle prattle, nor Prate apace, nor be a minding any Thing but what is said to you. If you are to make an Answer, do it in few Words, and to the Purpose, every now and then prefacing with some Title of Respect, and sometimes use a Title of Honour, and now and then make a Bow, especially when you have done speaking: Nor do you go away without asking Leave, or being bid to go: Now come let me see how you can practise this. How long have you been from Home?
Bo.Almost six Months.
Ma.You should have said, Sir.
Bo.Almost six Months, Sir.
Ma.Don't you long to see your Mother?
Bo.Yes, sometimes.
Ma.Have you a Mind to go to see her?
Bo.Yes, with your Leave, Sir.
Ma.Now you should have made a Bow; that's very well, remember to do so; when you speak, don't speak fast, stammer, or speak in your Throat, but use yourself to pronounce your Words distinctly and clearly. If you pass by any ancient Person, a Magistrate, a Minister, or Doctor, or any Person of Figure, be sure to pull off your Hat, and make your Reverence: Do the same when you pass by any sacred Place, or the Image of the Cross. When you are at a Feast, behave yourself chearfully, but always so as to remember what becomes your Age: Serve yourself last; and if any nice Bit be offer'd you, refuse it modestly; but if they press it upon you, take it, and thank the Person, and cutting off a Bit of it, offer the rest either to him that gave it you, or to him that sits next to you. If any Body drinks to you merrily, thank him, and drink moderately. If you don't care to drink, however, kiss the Cup. Look pleasantly upon him that speaks to you; and be sure not to speak till you are spoken to. If any Thing that is obscene be said, don't laugh at it, but keep your Countenance, as though you did not understand it; don't reflect on any Body, nor take place of any Body, nor boast of any Thing of your own, nor undervalue any Thing of another Bodies. Be courteous to your Companions that are your Inferiors; traduce no Body; don't be a Blab with your Tongue, and by this Means you'll get a good Character, and gain Friends without Envy. If the Entertainment shall be long, desire to be excus'd, bid much good may it do the Guests, and withdraw from Table: See that you remember these Things.
Bo.I'll do my Endeavour, Sir. Is there any Thing else you'd have me do?
Ma.Now go to your Books.
Bo.Yes, Sir.
Of VARIOUS PLAYS.
The ARGUMENT.
The Boys sendingCoclestheir Messenger to their Master, get Leave to go to Play; who shews that moderate Recreations are very necessary both for Mind and Body. The Master admonishes them that they keep together at Play, &c. 1. Of playing at Stool-ball: Of chusing Partners. 2. Of playing at Bowls, the Orders of the Bowling-Green. 3. Of playing at striking a Ball through an Iron Ring. 4. Of Dancing, that they should not dance presently after Dinner: Of playing at Leap-frog: Of Running: Of Swimming.
NICHOLAS, JEROME, COCLES,theMASTER.
Nic.I have had a great Mind a good While, and this fine Weather is a great Invitation to go to Play.
Jer.These indeed invite you, but the Master don't.
Nic.We must get some Spokesman that may extort a Holiday from him.
Jer.You did very well to say extort, for you may sooner wrestHercules'sClub out of his Hands than get a Play-day from him; but Time was when Nobody lov'd Play better than he did.
Nic.That is true, but he has forgot a great While ago since he was a Boy himself; he is as ready and free at whipping as any Body, but as sparing and backward at this as any Body in the World.
Jer.We must pick out a Messenger that is not very bashful that won't be presently dashed out of Countenance by his surly Words.
Nic.Let who will go for me, I had rather go without Play than ask him for it.
Jer.There is Nobody fitter for this Business thanCocles.
Nic.Nobody in the World, he has a good bold Face of his own, and Tongue enough; and besides, he knows his Humour too.
Jer.Go,Cocles, you will highly oblige us all.
Coc.Well, I'll try; but if I do not succeed, do not lay the Fault on your Spokesman.
Jer.You promise well for it, I am out in my Opinion if you don't get Leave. Go on Intreater, and return an Obtainer.
Coc.I'll go, mayMercurysend me good Luck of my Errand. God save you, Sir.
Ma.What does this idle Pack want?
Coc.Your Servant, Reverend Master.
Ma.This is a treacherous Civility! I am well enough already. Tell me what 'tis you came for.
Coc.Your whole School beg a Play-day.
Ma.You do nothing else but play, even without Leave.
Coc.Your Wisdom knows that moderate Play quickens the Wit, as you have taught us out ofQuintilian.
Ma.Very well, how well you can remember what's to your purpose? They that labour hard, had need of some Relaxation: But you that study idly, and play laboriously, had more need of a Curb, than a Snaffle.
Coc.If any Thing has been wanting in Times past, we'll labour to make it up by future Diligence.
Ma.O rare Makers up! who will be Sureties for the performing this Promise?
Coc.I'll venture my Head upon it.
Ma.Nay, rather venture your Tail. I know there is but little Dependance upon your Word; but however, I'll try this Time what Credit may be given to you; if you deceive me now, you shall never obtain any Thing from me again. Let 'em play; but let them keep together in the Field, don't let them go a tippling or worse Exercises, and see they come Home betimes, before Sun set.
Coc.We will, Sir, I have gotten Leave, but with much a do.
Jer.O brave Lad! we all love you dearly.
Coc.But we must be sure not to transgress our Orders, for if we do, it will be all laid upon my Back; I have engaged for ye all, and if ye do, I'll never be your Spokesman again.
Jer.We'll take Care: But what Play do you like best?
Coc.We'll talk of that when we come into the Fields.
* * * * *
I.Of playing at Ball.
NICHOLASandJEROME.
Nic.No Play is better to exercise all Parts of the Body than Stool-ball; but that's fitter for Winter than Summer.
Jer.There is no Time of the Year with us, but what's fit to play in.
Nic.We shall sweat less, if we play at Tennis.
Jer.Let's let Nets alone to Fishermen; it's prettier to catch it in our Hands.
Nic.Well, come on, I don't much Matter; but how much shall we play for?
Nic.But I had rather spare my Corps than my Money.
Jer.And I value my Corps more than my Money: We must play for something, or we shall never play our best.
Nic.You say true.
Jer.Which Hand soever shall get the first three Games, shall pay the sixth Part of a Groat to the other; but upon Condition that what's won shall be spent among all the Company alike.
Nic.Well, I like the Proposal; come done, let's chuse Hands; but we are all so equally match'd, that it's no great Matter who and who's together.
Jer.You play a great Deal better than I.
Nic.But for all that, you have the better Luck.
Jer.Has Fortune anything to do at this Play?
Nic.She has to do everywhere.
Jer.Well, come let's toss up. O Boys, very well indeed. I have got the Partners I would have.
Nic.And we like our Partners very well.
Jer.Come on, now for't, he that will win, must look to his Game. Let every one stand to his Place bravely. Do you stand behind me ready to catch the Ball, if it goes beyond me; do you mind there, and beat it back when it comes from our Adversaries.
Nic.I'll warrant ye, I'll hit it if it comes near me.
Jer.Go on and prosper, throw up the Ball upon the House. He that throws and do's not speak first shall lose his Cast.
Nic.Well, take it then.
Jer.Do you toss it; if you throw it beyond the Bounds, or short, or over the House, it shall go for nothing, and we won't be cheated: And truly you throw nastily. As you toss it, I'll give it you again; I'll give youa Rowland for an Oliver; but it is better to play fairly and honestly.
Nic.It is best at Diversion, to beat by fair Play.
Jer.It is so, and in War too; these Arts have each their respective Laws: There are some Arts that are very unfair ones.
Nic.I believe so too, and more than seven too. Mark the Bounds with a Shell, or Brick-bat, or with your Hat if you will.
Jer.I'd rather do it with yours.
Nic.Take the Ball again.
Jer.Throw it; score it up.
Nic.We have two good wide Goals.
Jer.Pretty wide, but they are not out of Reach.
Nic.They may be reach'd if no Body hinders it.
Jer.O brave, I have gone beyond the first Goal. We are fifteen. Play stoutly, we had got this too, if you had stood in your Place. Well, now we are equal.
Nic.But you shan't be so long. Well, we are thirty; we are forty five.
Jer.What, Sesterces?
Nic.No.
Jer.What then?
Nic.Numbers.
Jer.What signifies Numbers, if you have nothing to pay?
Nic.We have gotten this Game.
Jer.You are a little too hasty;you reckon your Chickens before they are hatch'd. I have seen those lose the Game that have had so many for Love. War and Play is a meer Lottery. We have got thirty, now we are equal again.
Nic.This is the Game Stroke. O brave! we have got the better of you.
Jer.Well, but you shan't have it long; did I not say so? We are equally fortunate.
Nic.Fortune inclines first to one side, and then to t'other, as if she could not tell which to give the Victory to. Fortune, be but on our Side, and we'll help thee to a Husband. O rare! She has answer'd her Desire, we have got this Game, set it up, that we mayn't forget.
Jer.It is almost Night, and we have play'd enough, we had better leave off, too much of one Thing is good for nothing, let us reckon our Winnings.
Nic.We have won three Groats, and you have won two; then there is one to be spent. But who must pay for the Balls?
Jer.All alike, every one his Part. For there is so little won, we can't take any Thing from that.
* * * * *
ADOLPHUS, BERNARDUS, the Arbitrators.
Adol.You have been often bragging what a mighty Gamester you were at Bowls. Come now, I have a Mind to try what a one you are.
Ber.I'll answer you, if you have a Mind to that Sport. Now you'll find according to the Proverb;You have met with your Match.
Adol.Well, and you shall find I am a Match for you too.
Ber.Shall we play single Hands or double Hands?
Adol.I had rather play single, that another may not come in with me for a Share of the Victory.
Ber.And I had rather have it so too, that the Victory may be entirely my own.
Adol.They shall look on, and be Judges.
Ber.I take you up; But what shall he that beats get, or he that is beaten lose?
Adol.What if he that beats shall have a Piece of his Ear cut off.
Ber.Nay, rather let one of his Stones be cut out. It is a mean Thing to play for Money; you are aFrenchman, and I aGerman, we'll both play for the Honour of his Country.
Adol.If I shall beat you, you shall cry out thrice, letFranceflourish; If I shall be beat (which I hope I shan't) I'll in the same Words celebrate yourGermany.
Ber.Well, a Match. Now for good Luck; since two great Nations are at Stake in this Game, let the Bowls be both alike.
Adol.Do you see that Stone that lies by the Port there.
Ber.Yes I do.
Adol.That shall be the Jack.
Ber.Very well, let it be so; but I say let the Bowls be alike.
Adol.They are as like as two Peas. Take which you please, it's all one to me.
Ber.Bowl away.
Adol.Hey-day, you whirl your Bowl as if your Arm was a Sling.
Ber.You have bit your Lip, and whirled your Bowl long enough: Come bowl away. A strong Bowl indeed, but I am best.
Adol.If it had not been for that mischievous Bit of a Brick-bat there, that lay in my Way, I had beat you off.
Ber.Stand fair.
Adol.I won't cheat: I intend to beat you, by Art, and not to cheat ye, since we contend for the Prize of Honour: Rub, rub.
Ber.A great Cast in Troth.
Adol.Nay, don't laugh before you've won. We are equal yet.
Ber.This is who shall: He that first hits the Jack is up. I have beat you, sing.
Adol.Stay, you should have said how many you'd make up, for my Hand is not come in yet.
Ber.Judgment, Gentlemen.
Arbitr.3.
Adol.Very well.
Ber.Well, what do you say now? Are you beat or no?
Adol.You have had better Luck than I, but yet I won't vail to you, as to Strength and Art; I'll stand to what the Company says.
Arb.TheGermanhas beat, and the Victory is the more glorious, that he has beat so good a Gamester.
Ber.Now Cock, crow.
Adol.I am hoarse.
Ber.That's no new Thing to Cocks; but if you can't crow like an old Cock, crow like a Cockeril.
Adol.LetGermanyflourish thrice.
Ber.You ought to have said so thrice. I am a-dry; let us drink somewhere, I'll make an end of the Song there.
Adol.I won't stand upon that, if the Company likes it.
Arb.That will be the best, the Cock will crow clearer when his Throat is gargled.
* * * * *
_3. The Play of striking a Ball through an Iron Ring.
Gas._ Come, let's begin,Marcolphusshall come in, in the LosersPlace.
Er.But what shall we play for?
Gas.He that is beat shall make and repeatextemporea Distich, in Praise of him that beat him.
Er.With all my Heart.
Gas.Shall we toss up who shall go first?
Er.Do you go first if you will, I had rather go last.
Gas.You have the better of me, because you know the Ground.
Er.You're upon your own Ground.
Gas.Indeed I am better acquainted with the Ground, than I am with my Books; but that's but a small Commendation.
Er.You that are so good a Gamester ought to give me Odds.
Gas.Nay, you should rather give me Odds; but there's no great Honour in getting a Victory, when Odds is taken: He only can properly be said to get the Game, that gets it by his own Art; we are as well match'd as can be.
Er.Yours is a better Ball than mine.
Gas.And yours is beyond me.
Er.Play fair, without cheating and cozening.
Gas.You shall say you have had to do with a fair Gamester.
Er.But I would first know the Orders of the Bowling-alley.
Gas.We make 4 up; whoever bowls beyond this Line it goes for nothing; if you can go beyond those other Bounds, do it fairly and welcome: Whoever hits a Bowl out of his Place loses his Cast.
Er.I understand these Things.
Gas.I have shut you out.
Er.But I'll give you a Remove.
Gas.If you do that I'll give you the Game.
Er.Will you upon your Word?
Gas.Yes, upon my Word: You have no other Way for it but to bank your Bowl so as to make it rebound on mine.
Er.I'll try: Well, what say you now Friend? Are not you beaten away? (Have I not struck you away?)
Gas.I am, I confess it; I wish you were but as wise as you are lucky; you can scarce do so once in a hundred Times.
Er.I'll lay you, if you will, that I do it once in three Times. But come pay me what I have won.
Gas.What's that?
Er.Why, a Distich.
Gas.Well, I'll pay it now.
Er.And an extempore one too. Why do you bite your Nails?
Gas.I have it.
Er.Recite it out.
Gas.As loud as you will.
Young Standers-by, dap ye the Conqueror brave, Who me has beat, is the more learned Knave.
Han't you a Distich now?
Er.I have, and I'll give you as good as you bring.
* * * * *
4.Leaping.
Vi.Have you a Mind to jump with me?
Lau.That Play is not good presently after Dinner.
Vi.Why so?
Lau.Because that a Fulness of Belly makes the Body heavy.
Vi.Not very much to those that live upon Scholars Commons, for these oftentimes are ready for a Supper before they have done Dinner.
Lau.What Sort of leaping is it that you like best?
Vi.Let us first begin with that which is the plainest, as that of Grasshoppers; or Leap-frog, if you like that better, both Feet at once, and close to one another; and when we have play'd enough at this, then we'll try other Sorts.
Lau.I'll play at any Sort, where there is no Danger of breaking ones Legs; I have no Mind to make Work for the Surgeon.
Vi.What if we should play at hopping?
Lau.That the Ghosts play, I am not for that.
Vi.It's the cleverest Way to leap with a Pole.
Lau.Running is a more noble Exercise; forÆneasinVirgilproposed this Exercise.
Vi.Very true, and he also propos'd the righting with Whirly-bats too, and I don't like that Sport.