This is certainly a most important subject, and one which can not be lightly treated. I have thought it better to use exclusively the New York forms, which differ somewhat from the English, the French, and continental, as well as from a certain code of etiquette prevailing in other American cities.
I shall therefore, as we have no State balls or ceremonials of that character, consider public assemblages, a few of which are patronized by society in New York and elsewhere.
Of absolutely public balls the only one which society attends is the Charity. In New York this has fallen somewhat in fashionable popularity, although efforts are being made to revive it. In Chicago and in other cities it is still a very fashionable function. It is there well patronized and is considered smart.Tickets to the Charity are sold by a number of lady patronesses, and you are apt to receive one or several from some of them, if you are a rich young man, with a request to purchase.If the note states that you are expected to be a guest you are simply to answer it, as you would any other invitation, and certainly not to inclose any money. Patronesses frequently are named because it is expected that they will purchase quite a number of tickets. And here let me give a useful hint. In sending money to this and for charitable entertainments in general, always do it by check; never inclose bills. If you must use cash, keep it for your small tradespeople.
Everything may be said to have its price at a Charity Ball. Supper is sometimes included with the ticket. The repast is usually rather poor, but then you must remember it is for charity. Perhaps you will be asked some time in advance by the patronesses to be one in the "grand march." The "grand march" proper is a form of exhibition long since relegated to balls of the "Tough Boys' Coterie" and other assemblages of the same class. But it has survived, in place of a lancers or quadrille of honor, at the Charity Ball, and we have either to go through with it or watch it from the boxeswith Christian patience. If you are to take part, I would advise you to present yourself at the hall or opera house about nine o'clock. The floor manager will do the rest. You are to offer your left arm to the lady you are taking out, and you march around the place in regular line, sometimes once, sometimes twice, and the agony is over. The company assembled does not join in this ceremony, and the formation of figures and countermarches is an affair in vogue at balls of a different class, which I should imagine none of my readers would patronize or even "hear tell of," except through the newspapers.
The Inauguration Ball in Washington, as well as the New Years' receptions at the different embassies' and secretaries' houses, are public functions to which the populace get admittance. They are crushes of the worst description, and at many of them refreshments are served. Except to make an obeisance to your distinguished host and hostess—if to the President, shaking hands with him—no other ceremony is needed.
At Newport and at other watering places there are during the season semipublic dances at the Casino. Any one who subscribes to that place of amusement is entitled to all the socialprivileges. The tickets can be obtained from the secretary or his agent.
In every city there is an assembly or dancing organization on the lines of the Patriarchs and Matriarchs in New York. This is in itself not original with the "Four Hundred"—vulgar term!—but was copied from the St. Cecilia, the most exclusive affair of the kind in aristocratic Charleston, where it has existed since the days of the Revolution. The assemblies proper in New York are called the Matriarchs. The arrangements are in the hands of a number of fashionable women instead of men. The plan of all these organizations is practically the same. In order to make matters easy and to pilot my reader through the intricacies of a fashionable ball, I will suppose that he is a stranger in New York, with some smart friends, and that he is going either to the Patriarchs' or to the Assembly. The rules laid down will hold good for other cities. Your first intimation may be while visiting at the house of one of the patrons or patronesses, when your hostess or host may ask you if you would like to go to the Assembly or the Patriarchs'. If you have no other engagement for that evening—and I think it would be policy for you to make others subservient to this—you should reply that you would be delighted to do so. Your host or hostess will then say that he or she will send you a ticket. This may be one way, or you may receive a note asking if you are free for that particular date, whether "would you like to go to the Assembly?" etc., or again, you might simply receive a note with a ticket. In any one of these cases, just as soon as you receive the ticket you must answer your correspondent immediately, accepting, or, if you can not go, regretting and returning it. You must remember that all tickets are personal and each Patriarch or each patroness has only a certain number.
I would, if there were time between the date for the ball and the reception of your ticket, call or leave cards personally on your hostess or host for the evening, according to rules in a former chapter. I do not believe this is considered necessary in New York, and perhaps some people would think you were straining a point, but New York "society" manners to-day are not all that could be desired.
The evening arrives. Balls and dances are theoretically supposed to begin at ten o'clock. You can safely go a little after eleven. Youwill be early enough. Your ticket is received, your hat and coat removed, your hat check given, and you proceed to the ballroom.
It is almost needless for me to tell you how to dress for this occasion. At dances of any kind, formal evening dress is required.
On entering the room, if it is at the Assembly, you will encounter a line of patronesses. You should make a low, sweeping bow to them and, if convenient, speak to your hostess, be it only a few words of greeting. If not at that time, select a later hour in the evening. No one shakes hands.
You look around to find your friends and acquaintances. At the Patriarchs' the chaperons sit upon a raised platform, or dais, I might call it, all together. Their charges, once away from them, are around the rooms. In nearly all the cities, except New York, every guest is provided with a dancing card, which makes the keeping of dancing engagements a part of the festivity. New York is too large for such things, and dancing cards have been relegated to the realms of innocuous desuetude. However, if you are at a ball or a dance in another city where they are used, your first duty would be to have your engagements filled. Youshould remain with your partner after each dance until her next cavalier appears.
New Yorkers are sensible, if only for this reason, for having banished the dance card. It is hard for a man to tell a woman he must leave her, but I think it is better by far to do so than to appear rude to your succeeding partner. A woman who has so little regard for you and such selfish consideration for herself does not deserve to be handled with gloves. And yet it needs a heroic soul to abandon her in a crowded ballroom, even if it is to lead her back to her chaperon.
In New York everything is simplified. There exist no such social complications. Everybody is more or less grouped together, and you generally know in which part of the room you are to find your friends.You exchange greetings with the women you know, and if you wish to ask one of them to dance, you say, "May I have the pleasure of this turn with you?" or "Can I have a turn with you?" It is absolutely impossible to keep dance engagements, and you are obliged, perhaps, to snatch a dance whenever you can get it. After your turn you must always manage to stop at about the point where you began.You will be sure to find yourpartner's chaperon just at that place. There are two reasons for this—one is that the man with whom your partner has engaged weeks, if not months, before (one has to do this in New York) to dance the cotillon has reserved his chairs there, and she has told many of her friends just about in which part of the ballroom she may be found; and another is that New York women, under all circumstances, keep a distinctive place in a ballroom.
A gentleman never dances without gloves. He always puts them on before entering the ballroom. A man should dance easily and gracefully, and look as if he were enjoying himself. He should be careful about guiding and not running into people. Swinging the hands is vulgar and unsightly.The waltz seems to survive all other forms of dancing, but there is every now and then a revival of the polka. Two steps and fancy dances are the vogue at summer hotels, but not at smart functions.
The quadrille of to-day is the simple lancers, and some years ago it was a silly fad to pretend not to remember the figures. A little life and spirit are sometimes introduced in the lancers when the gathering is small, and among intimate friends there is more or less occasion for it. The barn dance has gone outof fashion entirely in America, but our English cousins, especially those living in the country and in Suburbia, are very fond of it. Balls frequently end with Sir Roger de Coverley, the English form of the Virginia reel.
About two o'clock supper is announced, and this is done all over the world, I believe, by the strains of the Priests' March in Norma. So it was in my grandfather's day, and so it is to-day and was at the very last Patriarchs', the very last Assembly, and the very last large ball at Newport. Engagements for supper are made in New York weeks or even months beforehand. You should settle this with your partner, and as supper is served at tables of parties of four or six, an agreeable quartette or sextette can be secured. Parties are never less than four, and a girl who sups alone with a man, even at the Patriarchs', is considered very fast, and by such impudent behavior would lose caste. You should arrange with your partner, therefore, to be as near the supper-room door as possible about the supper hour. There is always a rush and a crush, and no tables are reserved except those for the patronesses or the Patriarchs. Two of the party should get in early and reserve the table and wait until the rest arrive. Ball suppers are nearly all alike.Four or five courses, which commence with oysters, are followed by bouillon, and then terrapin and birds, and salad and ices, fruit and coffee. Three kinds of wine are served, and champagne forms the chief. Many matrons even will not allow their daughters to go to supper without being chaperoned, and so when you ask your partner she will sometimes have her parents obtain the table. Should you be asked to the table of one of the patronesses, you will have a partner provided for you. Remember the first engagement should always be kept, and if a patroness should honor you with such an invitation, and you have made prior arrangements, you should at once explain by note your position, which will be a sufficient excuse to your would-be hostess.
After supper the cotillon, or German, as it is sometimes called, is danced.
At large balls, like the Patriarchs', there is hardly time for more than two or three figures and one favor figure. It is almost useless for me to go into the history of the cotillon, and I do not believe that it would be of any service to my readers.We imported it from France about the same time as the English, and it owes its origin, I believe, to Germany. For the past thirty years it has been a favorite form of dance. It is picturesque and amusing, and, besides, gives the opportunity for the exchange among the dancers of pretty trifles provided by the generosity of the host. At large semipublic balls like the Patriarchs' (I use "semipublic" simply because given by a number and not in a private house) the favors are very simple, but at special cotillons or at those danced at private houses they are extremely elaborate and costly.
Cotillon seats are generally secured in the early part of the evening by tying handkerchiefs to the backs of the chairs. At the Patriarchs' and other large balls they can be secured by arrangement with one of the stewards, as each Patriarch has so many reserved for him, and the man invited by one of them can obtain permission and ask for two of his host's seats. But this is not usual, and is known as a "little trick of the trade."
To be a successful leader of cotillons it requires the skill and the tact of a general—I might almost say of a Napoleon Bonaparte. One's talents should not be altogether in one's heels and one's toes. The leader must be an excellent dancer and a firm disciplinarian. He must see that the wall flowers have an occasional turn, and that every one gets at least one favor. As he has to marshal a large force of people he is bound to find among them—of course in the orthodox society manner—a few turbulent spirits, a few who would mutiny, and who must be taught their places in a conciliatory but positive manner.
The cotillon in New York is generally danced after supper. It lasts about two hours. At large balls two figures are all that can be danced, owing to the number of guests. Sometimes itis led by two couples. A leader frequently dances stag—that is, without a partner. All men dancing without partners are called stags. These usually have their place by the door and are given their turn last. The leader must announce after supper the time for the cotillon to begin. He must see that the partners are all in their places. The favor table is generally placed at the end of the room opposite the doors, but this depends on the shape and the style of the apartment.
Formerly a cotillon leader used a whistle for the different figures; to-day, however, he simply claps his hands to denote the changes.
It is almost unnecessary here to illustrate the form of the cotillon. It consists in waltzes and sometimes polkas, danced by eight, ten, or twelve couples at a time. The couples are seated in chairs around the room, the men without partners known as the stags being near the door. The leader begins the first figure, which is usually the simplest one, by "taking out" or choosing a partner and motioning the first four, six, or eight couples with places nearest him on one or both sides of the room to rise. All waltz. After a turn around the room the leader stops and claps his hands. The partners all separate, and each of them goes and choosesa new one—the man a new woman, the woman who was his partner a new man. The figure is then arranged and danced. After the evolution required by the figure is finished there is another short waltz, and the dancers return to their places. The leader then calls out the next party, and this is repeated until every one in the room has had a turn. The stags are called out last. Having no partners to dance with, each has the privilege of taking out two ladies—the first before the figure is formed, and the second when the change of partners is signalled by the leader. The leader directs the figures and dances all the time.
Every second figure is one for the distribution of favors. The same procedure occurs, and when the leader claps his hands the dancers separate, waiting for the favors to be distributed. The latest custom is for the leader and his partner to carry around the favors, to the couples whose turn comes next. He gives to the ladies, she to the men. The scramble at the favor table has been abolished. The men present their favors to the new partners whom they select, and the women do likewise. It is very embarrassing and not good form to give your favor to the partner with whom you are dancing the cotillon. Favors must be sufficientin quantity not only to go once all around, but there should be some left over, as the advent of the stags gives the ladies a double chance to bestow favors upon men. The most graceful way of offering a favor is to present it with a little bow. Try and locate the places where your friends are sitting. It is certainly rude, if not tantalizing, to search through a long row of girls dangling a favor. It is not difficult in the figures to become well acquainted with the local geography. Matrons are asked frequently to preside at the favor tables, but recently some of the floral trifles are brought in arranged in a sedan chair of flowers, at which two powdered lackeys are stationed, like the linkboys of old. Originality, however, has not been rampant in cotillons. Favor figures are the most popular. The woman who brings the greatest number of favors from a cotillon scores an undoubted triumph. She comes from the ballroom flushed and delighted, carrying with her the trophies of her victory, which she is pleased to call her "scalps." Social obligations are often paid off by men in this way.
Of the few cotillon figures danced in New York society, the grand chain is the most popular and the simplest. The number of couples called by the leader form themselvesin a ring around the room. At his signal they face each other and dance the right and left grand chain, the men to the right and the women to the left, until the original parties are brought together, when all waltz.
TheSir Roger de Coverley figureis formed in lines of four abreast, the men standing together on the inside, and the women next to their partners on the outside of the line. When the leader signals, the women advance quickly, one after the other, to the head of the line. The men then join hands, forming an arch, as in Sir Roger de Coverley; the women, passing under two by two, meeting their partners, waltz with them.
In the snake figure—one which is very seldom danced—quite a large number of couples are called, who form a ring around the room. The leader, taking the hand of one of the men, breaks the chain, and the couples are wound around until they come together in a knot, when the signal is given to them to waltz. The wheel figure is somewhat similar, and is quite a romp.
In the ring figure another evolution is borrowed from the lancers. Rings of four couples form through the room. The men raise their arms and the women pass through, dancingwith the men in the next ring, and so on, until they get to the top of the room, the men remaining stationary. Then a grand march, men to the left, ladies to the right, is formed, and the partners meet and dance.
The Maypole and all complicated figures which require the use of toys orpapier-machéarticles are not in vogue in New York. In Paris these trifles, such as vegetables and heads of animals and other gewgaws, pass for favors, as well as to lend a variety to the cotillon. In New York very handsome souvenirs have superseded these.
Frequently in large cotillons in New York the blank or nonfavor figures are danced only once without change of partners, as in the snake or grand chain; otherwise the cotillon would be interminable. The leader calls out a number of couples and goes through the figure at once, the original partners dancing all the time with each other. I have given both forms, and although the first explanation may seem to those who go out every year antiquated, it is still the vogue for small and consequently enjoyable cotillons.
Letter writing is an art, and there is no pleasure equal to that of receiving and reading a chatty and well-worded epistle from some dear friend. I have some packets of letters preserved to-day that I read and reread. They are always fresh and interesting to me. They are a complete index to the character of the writer, and they serve, after long years have passed, to bring up again delightful pictures of days and scenes which were brighter.However, there is one rule a man must observe: never keep a compromising letter—if you should receive one—especially from a woman. Sometimes women are foolish and careless, and they allow their pens to run away with them. They bitterly regret their folly, and the very idea that there exists somewhere a packet of letters which would bring serious trouble, if not ruin, upon them and those they love, isa cause of constant grief and worry. I know that there are letters written by one once dear, but now perhaps turned fickle or false, or separated from us forever, from which we feel loath to part; but we must be men and reduce to ashes what would hurt in the very least degree or cast a reflection upon an innocent if silly woman. Suppose you were to die suddenly, and among your papers these letters were found, with you alone, dumb in death, perhaps, only able to vindicate the unfortunate writer. We must think of those things. They belong to thepersonnelnot only of a true gentleman, but they appeal to our common sense.
Character is frequently judged by handwriting. Write a good, clear, legible hand, without any flourishes, and always use the best and the blackest of ink. The typewriter is employed only for business correspondence.
For social correspondence use only Irish-linen white note paper, unruled, with square envelopes to match. Fancy or tinted note paper of any kind is vulgar. If you have a permanent residence your address can be legibly engraved in one color, usually blue or scarlet, at the head of the first sheet. If you are a member of a club, the club note paper is proper for all social correspondence.If you want to, use your crestin lieu of address, but this practice is somewhat strained in this country. Always add the date in writing. In letters, the day, the month, and the year should be written. In notes you only put the day—for instance, "Saturday the twenty-second."The best signature is "Sincerely yours," and not "Yours sincerely." In England the quaint "Faithfully yours" is used for business correspondence. Tradespeople and servants only sign "Respectfully yours."
In America we "esquire" all men who are our equals. A butcher, a baker, a tailor or other person, when we order supplies, we address as "Mr." The abbreviation "Esq." is the usual form. In England you would write to a duke and address the letter "The Duke of Buckingham"; to a knight, "Sir Thomas Appleby"; to an earl or a marquis, "Lord Dufferin"—that is, supposing the letter would be a social one.
In writing to a friend or in answer to an invitation or a note, you would begin, "My dear Mrs. Brown," "My dear Mr. Brown," or even "My dear Brown," but never "Dear Miss Brown," "Dear Mrs. Brown," or "Dear Brown," unless you were on terms of great intimacy with them.But if the letter is a strictly business one, and the term "Sir" or"Sirs" is used, then you would be obliged to drop the possessive pronoun. A very formal or a business letter would begin thus:
John Smith, Esq.,#22 Pacific Avenue, Brooklyn, N. Y.Dear Sir:
John Smith, Esq.,
#22 Pacific Avenue, Brooklyn, N. Y.
Dear Sir:
and not "My dear Sir."
A business letter to a woman demands, however, the possessive "My," thus: "My dear Madam."
To a firm, one writes:
Messrs. John Smith & Co.,Dear Sirs:
Messrs. John Smith & Co.,
Dear Sirs:
and never "Gentlemen"—a most ridiculous form of address.
The clergy are addressed "Reverend and dear Sir." A bishop is "Right Reverend and dear Sir," and an archbishop "Most Reverend and dear Sir." In this republican country all other dignitaries can be addressed as "Dear Sir."
Formal invitations are written in the third person, also letters addressed to tradespeople.
The address on a letter should be written about the middle of the envelope, the street and number a little to the right, and the nameof the city and State in the corner. All notes or letters to people in the same city should be directed simply with the post-office name without the State, unless it is a very small town, or it bears a name such as Augusta or Columbus, of which there are more than one in the United States. Thus:
Mrs. John Brown,#227 Euclid Avenue,Cleveland.
Mrs. John Brown,
#227 Euclid Avenue,
Cleveland.
The stamp should be placed neatly in the right-hand corner. The mail to-day is almost the quickest means of delivery, and a special ten-cent stamp will insure, in a large city, a more prompt reception of your epistle than if you intrusted it to the tender mercies of a messenger boy.
Your paper should fold once in the middle. There is nothing so awkward or so apt to give a bad impression as a letter improperly folded. It is bulky and unsightly.Private letters should always be sealed with wax, in color dark green or red. Black is used for mourning. In sealing a letter be careful to make a neat effect, and not to smear the wax all over the envelope. The seal is then stamped with your monogram, or, if you insist upon it, with your crest,but never with your coat of arms. For the purpose of sealing letters men use their seal rings or a little stamp which can be obtained at any silversmith's.When writing from the club you can use the club stamp. Business letters are moistened and gummed, a little damp sponge being used for this purpose. To moisten envelopes with the tongue is nasty.
Letters written on hotel or business paper should be confined to the commercial world. Your friends and acquaintances should not receive them. Sometimes, when writing from a very interesting place to a very intimate friend or to relatives, hotel paper may be used, as you would like your correspondent to see a picture of the house at which you are stopping.
Every gentleman should, however, carry in his portmanteau a flat portfolio with writing materials and a traveling inkstand.
Your personal correspondence should be a reflection of yourself. Be pithy, bright, and witty. Give the news and innocent gossip, but beware of making statements in letters which you can not substantiate. Above all, think twice before you pen a harsh or an unkind word, even if a reproof be merited.
In business letters be brief and to the point.
There are two kinds of letters which sometimes puzzle the writer—letters of condolence and letters of congratulation. A letter of condolence—as will be explained in the chapter on Funerals—is due from you at the death of a near or dear friend to the relative or relatives—if you feel that you know them all well enough to address more than one epistle of sympathy—nearest and dearest to the deceased. Usually one letter is sufficient, but sometimes it may occur that you feel that you should also write to others. Make it as natural as possible. Avoid all stilted phrases and studied efforts at consolation. A few words is all that is necessary. If you have been on intimate terms with the family wire them your sympathy, and write a week or so afterward.
Letters of congratulation are much easier to compose. On the occasion of the announcement of an engagement of a friend, or in answer to his letter announcing the happy event, or on the arrival of any good fortune to those of whom you are fond or for whom you have a high regard, a letter of congratulation is necessary or acceptable. All letters announcing sad or joyous news should receive an immediate reply.
Club life in America is a growth of recent years. It is now so firmly established, and it is so popular that there is not a village or even a settlement in the United States which has not at least its casino, or its little coterie organized for golf, tennis, athletic, or merely social enjoyment. All of these, from the great metropolitan clubs of the cities down to the very humblest in the "wilds," are governed by club laws and are regulated by club etiquette. In New York, now a city of clubs, this etiquette differs much from that observed in London, Paris, or any of the large continental centers. In London, a man is identified with his club. He rarely belongs to more than one, and his membership there denotes his social standing, his pursuits in life, and, above all, his politics. English clubs are also very jealous of admittance of strangers, and are not in the least hospitableto the foreigner. There are exceptions to this among the literary, theatrical, and Bohemian organizations, but the Pall Mall clubs are "closed." In New York, Boston, Chicago, and other American cities there are organizations which insist upon certain qualifications, such as being a university man, a lawyer, an author, a physician, or a member of a college fraternity, for admittance; but then the members also belong to other clubs, where their social standing, or perhaps the extent of their bank account, is their passport.
If a man wishes to get on socially, he should belong to at least one good club. It gives him his standing in the community, and places him. He is no longer on the list of the unidentified.
When a choice is made of a club which you desire to join, the next step would be to have two members in good standing to act as your sponsors—one proposes your name and the other seconds. A good sponsor is necessary, and you should choose one who has many friends in the organization of which you desire to become a member. The president, officers, and the governing committee are debarred from either proposing or seconding a name for membership. The term of aman's novitiate depends upon the state of the waiting list. Your proposer will notify you when your name will be reached, as he himself will be notified in writing by the committee on membership. The rules of candidacy differ in various clubs. In some, the name of the candidate with those of the two members proposing him is exposed in a conspicuous place where the entire club can see it. There is also a book in which other members sign the application, and the number of signatures, of course, has weight with the governors.
Again, the name is inscribed in a book kept for the purpose in the steward's office, and it is not necessary that any other indorsement except that of your sponsors be made.
Any member objecting to the name of a candidate has two methods by which he can make known his objection. One is to write directly to the governors, or to the committee on admissions and membership, whichever, according to the laws of the club, has the matter in hand. Usually it is the governing committee or board of governors. This communication is treated, as are all club matters, with the secrecy of the confessional. Your sponsors are written to and the objectionsstated, but the name of the person objecting is withheld. The other method is, if any one has an objection to your admission, that he should go at once in a manly way to one of your sponsors and state it. It is a rare occurrence in a New York club that any candidate is black-balled. The warning from the governing committee, or from another member to the sponsors, is a word to the wise, and the men who propose you should immediately withdraw your name to avoid a disaster. Otherwise a very great risk is run, as objections which have any foundation have great weight with the governing committee.
In the clubs where the names of the candidates are kept only in a small book, while on the waiting list they are posted ten days before the election in a conspicuous part of the clubhouse. No candidate can be elected to a club who is not personally known to two or more members of the governing committee. A short time before election, if the candidate has not this acquaintance, it is the duty of his sponsors to take him around and introduce him, or to arrange that he will meet these gentlemen in some way; otherwise his name will go over; and after two setbacks of this kind, it will be rejected.
On the election of a candidate—the balloting being done by the governing committee—the sponsors are notified, sometimes by posting and otherwise simply by letter. The secretary of the club will let the new member know immediately of his election, and the letter, which is usually a form, will also notify him that his admission fee and yearly dues are payable. The admission or entrance fee to a club is from one hundred to two hundred dollars in the well-known New York organizations, and the yearly dues are from seventy-five to one hundred dollars. These must be paid at once by check. The rules of most clubs allow a thirty-day limit. If you are so fortunate as to be admitted after the date of the yearly meeting, you will only be liable for one half the current yearly dues; otherwise you pay the entire amount.
It is now the duty of the sponsors to introduce their newly elected candidate to the club. This is an easy matter. One of them will go with you, sit in the general smoking or lounging room, and make you acquainted with one or two of his friends. The responsibility is then over.
Club etiquette is very simple. It is only the application of the usual rules of courtesy observed in private life. The club is your home.You should behave there as you would in your own house as host, and consequently your conduct toward your fellow-members should be characterized by the utmost consideration.
The average clubhouse has a large room on the ground or first floor which is used for smoking, reading, the newspapers, and "living" generally. On the floors above there are the dining rooms, the library, and reading and card rooms. The billiard room occupies a special quarter, according to the plan of the house.
A clever man said that there was but one rule of clubhouse etiquette different from the general laws of manners, and that was to keep your hat on. This is true, but then there are many others.Men do not take off their hats on entering a club, and do not remove them in any room except that in which they dine. All social clubs are more or less "closed."Visitors are only allowed under certain restrictions. The general rule is that a member may invite to the use of the club for a period of ten consecutive days any one not a resident of the city, but can have no more than one guest at a time. No stranger shall be introduced a second time unless he shall have been absent from the city three months. In some clubs a member mayintroduce as a visitor a resident of the city, but he can have no more than one such guest at a time. No person shall be introduced more than once in twelve months. Other clubs are open to the admission of visitors at certain periods, and others again have ladies' days, at which a reception to the fair friends of the members is given. All this depends on the rules of the club. As soon as you are made a member you are given a little book in which these are contained, and you should study them carefully. The name of a guest should be entered on the visitors' book with that of his host. If the visitor is put up for a certain period a card to the club is sent him, and during his stay he has all the privileges of a member. He can run up an account, but he should certainly settle it before his term expires, otherwise his host will be held responsible.
A clubman never pays an attendant for refreshment or food served.Gratuities of any kind to servants are forbidden. When refreshment is required, you press the electric bell, of which there are a number in all the rooms, and the attendant comes to you for your order. When he brings it he has with it a check which you sign. These checks are, of course, debited to you, and you receive your bill once a month,or you can make arrangements to pay at the steward's or cashier's desk daily.
You order your meals in the same manner, and when they are ready, the servant will notify you.
At most of the clubs smoking is not permitted in the dining rooms until after nine, nor are refreshments allowed to be served in the visitors' room or library at any time. Books and magazines are not to be removed from the reading room or library, nor any publication belonging to the club from the clubhouse.
There is still a prejudice against pipe smoking in many of the clubs, and you must consult the rules before you attempt this practice. A man does not remove his coat or sit in his shirtsleeves in any of the public rooms. An allowance, however, is made in the billiard room.
The loud-voiced man is one of the nuisances of a club. Loud talking may be endured in the smoking or general room, but certainly not in the library or the reading rooms.
The "kicker" is another objectionable person. He should remember that the best way of rectifying abuses is to send to the house committee all complaints of any deficiency in the service of the club, of overcharges, mistakes, or defects. The club is not a place to conduct one's commercial interests.Invitations and special correspondence can be conducted on club paper, but certainly it is a breach of club etiquette to use it for business purposes.
The man who bows to a woman from a club window is not a gentleman. By this action he fastens upon her the most disgraceful odium one of her sex can bear.
The name of a woman should never be whispered in a club unless it is to say something complimentary of her. Even this is not in good taste.
It is not club etiquette to "treat." You can do so if you desire, but you are not obliged to follow this inane custom, which is born of bar-room ethics.
All the affairs of a club must be regarded in strict confidence. Under no consideration should that which has occurred within these sacred portals be divulged to outsiders.
Once a year—usually at Christmas—a subscription is taken up for the employees and servants. From five to ten dollars is the proper amount to give.
A few clubs have a ladies' restaurant attached, where members may take their families or give dinners, or where the wives of members have the privilege of giving luncheons or other entertainments.Otherwise ladies are not admitted to the privileges of the clubhouse, except on ladies' days, and where there is an "annex" they can only avail themselves of that part set aside for their convenience upon the authority of a member.
These rules pertaining to the general government of clubs have been compiled from the constitution and by-laws of the Union, Metropolitan, Knickerbocker, Calumet, and Manhattan Clubs of New York. The constitutions of the Philadelphia, Boston, Washington, Chicago, San Francisco, and other clubs are almost identical.
Driving.—Driving really comprises coaching as well as the tandem.
A man who has any pretensions whatever to keeping his own horses or driving should be judged by the appearance of his traps. He submits himself to what one, to-day, might call the X-ray of criticism. He enters a field, and he must be weighed in the balance and his position defined by the standard of his associates. I know of no other city in the world where there are better groomed horses and better turned out equipages than in New York. The American in Hyde Park is shocked at the appearance of the traps in that famous driveway of fashion, and his national pride is gratified by observing that the smartest are of American makes. As to Paris, it is simply beyond the pale of criticism, the private turnouts,such as they are, being almost lost in a sea of dirty, disgracefulfiacres.
In the first place, your horses must be well groomed, their hoofs blackened, and their tails properly banged. I do not intend here to enter a discussion concerning the cruelty of docking horses' tails. The social law is without exception. Horses with long tails are impossible. I believe banging is not accompanied by any physical pain.
The harness, the trap itself, the coachman, and groom or grooms should be as immaculate as the horses. There should not be a single item out of gear. Every detail must be perfect. Choose some individual color for your traps, and never change the colors of your stable any more than you would your liveries. I have discussed fully in the chapter on Servants the duties of coachmen and grooms, and I refer the reader to that section of this book for information concerning liveries and the humanpersonnelof your trap.
As to the color of your horses you should consult the fashion of the moment. To-day grays and bays are matched, and a person in half mourning recently appeared on a leading thoroughfare with a black trap and harness and white horses.
A bachelor, however, should court simplicity, and I do not even approve of an equipage with two men on the box for an unmarried man. In fact I do not know of a single bachelor who has such a turnout.
A coach, a tandem, a drag, or any of the array of fashionable carts, or a private hansom should limit the list.
Coolness and absolute confidence are the requisite virtues of good driving.
The driver salutes always with the whip; those on the coach with him or in the trap bow.
Dress for driving in the city is usually that of afternoon, and a high hat is indispensable. Sometimes the huge gray coats with large buttons and a gray topper are worn. Dogskin driving gloves and driving boots complete the costume. In the country one wears tweed or Scotch cheviot and a Derby hat. The man who drives mounts last, his horses' heads being held by the groom. His whip should be in its socket; the reins loosely thrown over the horses' backs. He should spring into his seat and start immediately.
There is a certain smartness in driving, in the way you manage your whip, your horses, and the many other details, which it is theprovince of a good master of the sport to teach you.
The fashionable hour for driving in New York is from three to five, and the drive the Park. At Newport one drives both in the morning and evening.
Remember, however, that the secret of your mastery over your stables should be your perfect knowledge of every detail. If you are a novice you should begin by learning the name and use of each part of your harness. You should be able to tell at a glance if everything is right, and you can not be too severe if anything is out of gear or the animals are not properly groomed. The best position on the box is a firm seat with your feet close together. Drive with one hand and keep the whip hand free, except for its legitimate use in touching your horses now and then, and in saluting.
A man always sits with his back to the horses in a Victoria, or any other four-seated vehicle, when there are two ladies with him. When there is only one he sits by her side. He alights first with a view to assisting the ladies. He gets in last.
It is not good form in New York for unmarried couples to drive together, unaccompanied by a chaperon. It is permitted at Newport and the country and seaside resorts, but a groom always sits on the back seat. In this case the woman is frequently the whip.
A man and a woman may drive together in the city in a hansom, although this is considered unconventional. Buggy driving is not in vogue in New York.
Riding, since the advent of the wheel, is not as fashionable an amusement in cities as formerly.
Riding classes, which meet two evenings during the week, usually in the Lenten season, are still very popular. These gatherings take place at a riding academy, and a competent riding master is in charge.
When riding with a woman, a man should always be at her right. A woman's riding habit falls to the left and she is mounted from the left. In assisting her to mount, which, even when a groom is present, is the gallant thing to do, a man should grasp the bridle with the left hand and hold his right so that she can step into it. The woman puts her left foot, therefore, in a man's right hand, and holds to the pommel with her right hand. The escort gives his arm a slight spring, and with a corresponding action on the part of the fair equestrienne, she is lifted into the saddle. The man faces the near side of the horse, or the left. He takes the reins in his right hand and with it grasps the pommel of the saddle, shortening the reins until he feels the mouth of the horse. He inserts the left foot in the stirrup and springs into the saddle.
In speaking of a pommel, I wish it understood that the English saddle is used, which has no visible pommel, but that part of it is still called by the name in lieu of another term.
A good rider should never mount from a horse block or a fence. The English mode of riding is fashionable. The smart pace is a short canter. In trotting, a man may rise to the trot. Squaring the elbows is a trifle vulgar and obsolete. In meeting acquaintances, a man should bow. A man accompanying a lady should always keep pace with her, and never either go ahead or let his horse fall behind. A man riding alone should never pass or catch up with a woman unattended.
When one rides in New York it is only in the morning. Afternoon riding in the Park is not the vogue it was.The New Yorker dislikes to dress up in any special costume, so that for years the fashionable afternoon riding costume was a black cutaway or morning coat,ordinary trousers strapped under the ordinary walking boot, top hat, and gloves, but the present riding costume for the morning in New York and the country consists of whipcord or corduroy riding breeches and jacket, brown leather waistcoat, brown Derby hat, boots or leggings, and dark gloves. You can wear this in the afternoon, but the ordinary costume is considered smarter and more convenient. Men in New York only ride in the Park, and many of them do not belong to riding academies or have lockers. A complete change of costume is not convenient, and you never see a New York clubman on the streets in riding togs. The evening classes always end with a supper and a dance. The woman's habit is easily changed, but to appear at night in riding costume or with boots in a drawing room is certainly absurd. To wear evening dress on horseback, even a Tuxedo coat, is also outlandish, and thus the compromise has been effected, and the old black diagonal cutaway brought into use.
Riding to houndsrequires special knowledge as to the rules and the etiquette of the different hunts. These vary.The meet is generally at some farm or country house, and you are expected to appear in the regulationhunt colors. The orthodox costume is morning coat, white or fancy waistcoat, riding breeches, top boots, crop, top hat, and hunting scarf. The master of the hounds should wear a red or scarlet frock coat and hunting cap. After the hunt there is a breakfast, and several times during the year a ball. At the latter festivity, members of the club should wear their scarlet evening coats.
Coachingis yet another of the intricate arts. I will give a few points to the novice. The place of honor is the box seat and should be given to a lady, when ladies are of the party.
If a bachelor is a good whip, a coaching party is an excellent way for him to entertain. The start should be from some fashionable locality in town, and eight or ten is a large party. It is needless for me to call the attention of a whip to the importance of his drag and horses and appointments being perfect. During the progress of the coach the guard who sits in the rear blows his horn at regular intervals. A bugle or cornet is not good form, although I have heard it in small towns.
It may seem elementary, but for the requirements of those who have never coached I might as well state that the guests sit on the top and not inside the coach. A neat andserviceable team may be made with two browns as leaders and a brown and a bay as wheelers. To the novice the names of these will indicate their position.
A coaching route should be about ten to fifteen miles. A halt is made at a country club, of which the host is a member, or a hotel, where luncheon is served. Themenuconsists of the usual comestibles with plenty of champagne. Two hours altogether are allowed for rest, and then the start homeward is made.The whip should wear driving costume, with gray or black high hat. The men guests can be dressed in morning costume, tweeds, and Derby hats, unless the occasion is one of formality, such as a coaching parade, when one should don afternoon dress. The general etiquette of driving applies to coaching.
Wheelingis the popular and fashionable amusement at present writing, and it bids fair to continue so until quite late in the twentieth century. As yet there are no special rules of etiquette for this new sport, except that which would govern its dress. Otherwise there are the rules of the road—keeping and turning to the right—and the extending by gentlemen of those civilities which they should never forget to the fair sex, and consideration for their fellow-men. A man should always wait for a lady to mount, holding the bicycle. He should ride at her left, keeping pace with her, and sufficiently near to be of assistance in case of an accident. He should dismount first and help her to do so if necessary.The present fashionable costume for cycling consists of tweed knickers and short lounge jacket of same material, brown leather or linen waistcoat, colored shirt, with white turn-down collar and club tie, golf stockings, andlow-quartered tan wheeling shoes. A cap of tweed to match the suit completes the rig. At cycling clubs black small clothes with dinner jacket may be worn, but as yet it is not the prevailing fashion.
In summer very natty wheeling costumes are made of linen or crash.
One word more as to wheeling. Owing to its popularity, many have sought to make it vulgar and common. An idea that a man has the privilege of addressing any woman on a bicycle is most erroneous. You would not offer such an impertinence to an equestrienne, and you must remember that a "wheel" is only a metal horse. To catch up with or pass unchaperoned or unescorted women wheelers is as much a breach of etiquette as to be guiltyof the same vulgarity toward an unaccompanied Amazon.
Shootingdeserves a few words, although shooting parties in the acceptance of the foreign and British entertainments have as yet but few counterparts in this country. Men chase the aniseed bag or an imported fox when riding to hounds, and when they take gun in hand it is for the purpose of hunting big game, such as one would obtain in the Adirondacks, in the Rockies, in the Southern swamp lands, and in the wilderness of Canada. In England you may be invited for the shooting. The start is in the morning, in a party accompanied by the gamekeepers. The birds are flurried, the guns are loaded by your special attendant, and you only pause in your work of destruction for luncheon, which is served somewhere in the woods or on the moors. You are expected to be at the house about four, where, after changing your clothes, you appear in the drawing room for tea. You are cautioned in these parties, in order to avoid accident, before crossing a hedge, gate, or any other obstacle, to remove your cartridges. You are to be unusually careful in the manner of holding your gun, and should certainly not flourish it around or point it at any livingthing, save that which it is intended to kill. Guns used as walking sticks or props to take flying leaps or other extraordinary purposes are the assinine diversions of some idiots. In England a position is assigned to you. It is etiquette to remain in it, shooting in a liberal and sportsmanlike spirit, accepting shots as they come. The gamekeepers expect a tip at the end of the visit.The correct dress is loose jacket, knicker corduroy breeches, stout ribbed stockings, and box-cloth leggings.Heavy russet boots and a cloth shooting cap are also worn.
Bowlsis a favorite game in the country, and during the Lenten season in New York, where there are a number of clubs formed for its enjoyment.
Although the sessions are in the evening, the men dress at clubs inmuftiornegligé, the golf or cycling suits being the favorites.When you are asked to play bowls at a private house, and when there is a dance to follow, or when you are asked to a "bowling party," it is perhaps better form to wear your dinner jacket or Tuxedo, as there will be supper and dancing afterward. The presence of ladies will not deter you from wearing on an occasion like this demitoilet or dinner jacket, as there is a certaininformality about all athletic sports.The same may be said ofbadminton, another favorite Lenten game, played somewhat after the manner of tennis. The difference is that instead of racquet and ball, battledore and shuttlecock are used.
Forskating, even at a rink on artificial ice, golf costume ormuftiis good form.
Polohas likewise no code of etiquette not connected with the rules of the game.The dress for polo includes buckskin knee breeches, flannel or madras shirt with low turn-down collar, top riding boots, and polo cap.
Yachting, Boating, Bathing, Tennis, and Racing.
A yacht in commission is the most expensive and luxurious toy a man can have. No one but a millionaire can afford it. True, as in other possessions, there are degrees, and consequently there are yachts and yachts. Only large schooner or steam yachts, however, are adaptable for entertaining. A man's yacht is indeed his castle, and the host has only to follow the rules which govern social functions to be perfect in this delightful method of entertaining. Yet there are a few little details of which it would be prudent to speak. Theproper entertainments for a yacht in harbor are luncheons, dinners, dances, and short cruises. None of these should be elaborate, the yacht itself—a thing of joy and beauty—being alone a great attraction.
Your sailors should meet the people invited at the dock in the cutter, and row them to the place where your yacht rides at anchor. You should be at the gangway ready to receive them. The same order should be observed on their leaving.
During a club cruise there are several formalities to be observed. You are then as if under military or naval orders. The commodore should be treated with the same consideration as an admiral. You should not appear before him except in the uniform of the club, and you should always salute him on passing, and he should have precedence at all entertainments.
Yachting dress for men consists in either blue flannel or serge suit, or weather pilot or pea-jacket of rough cloth or "witney," or blue serge or flannel coat with naval white duck trousers. The cap, blue or white cloth or duck. White flannels are also worn, but they are not so appropriate. In the evening, usual formal landsman's costume.
There are a few rules of practical yachting which are so intimately connected with etiquette that, although it is not exactly in my province, I propose to give a summary of them here; they may be useful, and may serve my reader a good turn. I take the regulations of the New York Yacht Club for my guide. It is without doubt the leading yachting organization of this country.
When on a cruise, all yachts belonging to a club should hoist their colors at eight o'clockA. M.and haul them down at sunset, taking time from the senior officer present in port, if there should be one. Between sunset and colors they should carry a night pennant. Guns should only be fired on setting or hauling down the colors, except by the yacht giving the time, nor between sunset and colors, nor on Sunday, and the rules of many yacht clubs insist on these formalities being observed whether a yacht is on a cruise or not.
The senior officer in port should be in command, and should make colors and sunset and return salutes and visits, etc. His yacht should remain the station vessel until a senior to him in rank arrives, when such senior should assume the duties of the anchorage.
Flag officers should display their pennantswhile in commission, except when absent for more than forty-eight hours. In this case their private signal should be hoisted. A blue rectangular flag at the starboard spreader should be displayed when the owner is not on board.
All salutes should be returned in kind. Yachts of all clubs should always salute vessels of the United States Navy. Yachts passing at sea should salute each other, juniors saluting first. This is done by dipping the ensign three times or by firing a gun, followed by dipping the ensign. Arriving in harbor after sunset or on Sunday the salute should be made the first thing next morning.
When a squadron or a cruising expedition enters a port or anchorage and finds there a foreign yacht, the senior officer of the squadron or cruise should send its owner a tender of the civilities of the club. All vessels are considered foreign not belonging to the interstate squadron, or to a club not included in the association of yachts to which your vessel and you belong.
Of course I have only skimmed through the sailing and saluting regulations. You are supposed to have a book of your club, which will give them to you, and you are bound to follow the rules laid down therein.
As a rule, the commodore of a yacht club wears on his cap an anchor one inch and a half in diameter, placed horizontally, embroidered in gold, with a silver star of half an inch diameter at each end of and above the anchor. A vice commodore wears only a single star; captains two crossed foul anchors. The dress uniform of most yacht clubs is a plain blue or black dress coat, a white dress waistcoat, each with the club button in gilt; blue or white trousers with cravat black or white. The undress consists of a double-breasted sack coat of blue cloth, serge, or flannel, blue or white waistcoat, each with the black club button; trousers of same material, or of white drill. The commodore has five black silk stripes on his cuff, the vice commodore four, the rear commodore three, the captain and other officers two, and the members one.
Your crew should wear shirts of blue flannel or white linen with wide blue cuffs and collars, stitched with blue or white thread. Handkerchiefs should be of black silk, caps of blue cloth without visor; straw hats with black ribbon can be used for summer. The name of the yacht must be worked on the breast of the shirt, or printed upon the band of the cap or the ribbon of the hat. The trousers should beof blue flannel or white linen duck. No braces are worn.
Golf.
The etiquette of golf is incorporated, more or less, with the technicalities of the rules governing the game. I do not intend to go into these, but to give a few hints to the novice, to prevent him, if possible, committing solecisms.
Golf has a vocabulary of its own. The "grounds" on which the game is played is a stretch of rather rough country, abounding in hills, hillocks, and sandy downs, and is known by no other name but the "links."
The game is usually played by two persons, but it can be by more. It consists in driving a ball, small and black, or painted red for the winter snows, along a route laid out by a series of holes to a goal, with a selection of clubs with metal ends. A small boy carries these clubs around for the players. He is called the "caddie."
The clubs have various names and various uses. They are for propelling or driving the ball, according to the rules of the game. They are the driver, long spoon, short spoon, putter,iron putter, cleek, iron, niblick, brassey, lofting iron, and mashie.
A "tee" is a small mound of sand or earth upon which the ball rests. As before explained, the ball is propelled or driven from the tee into one of the holes. The term "putting" is applied to the locality in which this operation of driving the ball into the hole takes place.
The etiquette of the spectator is embraced in the common-sense essential of being an onlooker and nothing more. Silence is golden. Advice and comment, should you profess to know anything about the game, are brazen. Be considerate; do not interfere with the comfort of the players. As at billiards, the stroke should be made in utter silence. The golf "links" is not a place for criticism, and if you are allowed to follow the players around, you must control your feelings alike when enthusiastic or when contemptuous. Besides being a breach of good manners, remember that golf is more or less an outdoor game of whist.
Golf is the easiest game at which to cheat, but as it is a sport in therepertoireof a gentleman, it would seem almost an insult to hint at such a contingency. However, apart from the moral effect of cheating at any game, if a manis dead to all sense of honor, he should be alive to the fear of being found out. Such discovery means social ostracism.
The proper golf costume is based on common sense. The man who rigs himself up for this or any other sport in what he considers the most approved style is either a very bad player or a novice. The championships have been won by men wearing their ordinary street costumes or business lounge suits. The English and Scotch golf dress, however, is sack coat, knickers without leather extensions, and a plain tweed shooting cap. The shirt is white madras, soft, unstarched bosom, with a golf stock or Ascot.Golf shoes or boots are of heavy russet or black leather. The hose has a long ribbed top, which is turned over, forming a sort of heavy band on the calf of the leg. It is made of heavy worsted, plain or ribbed. This costume will do for winter in the English climate, when you can not employ too heavy tweeds in the north and west. The American costume, however, is made of lighter tweeds for the spring and autumn, and of brown linen or holland for the summer. As yet, except in one or two localities, golf is not generally played in winter, except by enthusiasts.
At a match, golfers wear their club uniform coats, which are made of hunting pink with brass buttons.The club dress uniform is full and proper dress for all golf functions, such as dinners and dances and receptions. For golf club evening functions, black silk or lisle thread stockings and pumps and black knickers would be appropriate dress. This will be regulated by the rules of the club.
Boating and Bathing, Tennis and Racing.
But a word, and this on costume. The proper dress in England, where boating is a social amusement, is the blazer madras shirt with white linen all-around collars and madras cuffs, same material as shirt, white duck trousers, and straw hat with colored ribbons.
For bathing, the present ocean costume is all plain, one dark-color two-piece suits, short trousers coming to the knees, and jersey with very short sleeves.
For tennis, which I have omitted in the category of sports, as there is no peculiar etiquette attached, you should wear white duck trousers, a white madras shirt, white flannel coat, plain or finely striped, and straw hat orflannel cap to match coat. The straw hat was in vogue last summer.
In England many men wear gray vicuña frock coats to the races. About this costume, however, in America, where races are but seldom social functions, you must be guided by the season, circumstances, and place. Of course, a top hat must be worn with any species of frock coat, but the gray top hat has gone out of fashion.
Gymkhanaraces are burlesque affairs imported from India. The participants are dressed in grotesque fancy costumes, and are obliged to race holding umbrellas, toy balloons, or some other absurdity. They are in great favor at summer watering places.
Billiards.
The etiquette of this popular pastime is possibly embraced in the general maxim of "the extending of the utmost consideration for others."
Billiards constitutes quite an important factor in club life, and should have been included in the chapter on that subject but for the fact that so many private houses have billiard rooms, and the game is better classified with the different sports of a bachelor.
At the club it is allowable to play the gamesansone's coat, or in shirt sleeves. The billiard room is a place where one can be unconventional. Order, however, in a match game especially, should be strictly maintained. The severe English rule at clubs, under such circumstances, requires the man who has played his stroke "to retire to a reasonable distance, and keep out of the line of sight" (videthe Badminton treatise on the game). Orders for drinks to the waiter, loud talking, criticism of the play, lighting pipes and cigars—the latter being only generally allowed in New York club billiard rooms—are all offenses against etiquette.
In private houses it is certainly a breach of good manners to bolt into a billiard room while a game is in progress, except between the strokes, and this period can be easily ascertained by listening at the door. The ideal game is conducted with strict observance of the etiquette of the room. It is, according to the same Badminton authority, a game during the progress of which neither player smokes nor interrupts the other, and spectators are generally courteous, silent, and impartial.In a private house where ladies are apt to be present and to be players, shirt sleeves are certainly not tolerated. The dinner coat is useful on these occasions. Smoking is permissible if the hostess consents.