The etiquette of cards calls for but a word. Whist means silence. No gentleman quarrels with a billiard marker or a golf caddie; still less should he dispute a point at cards. Better lose, especially when women are present, than enter a controversy.
To seem entirely at one's ease is the best maxim I can give for traveling. You can not actually pretend to experience that which may be totally lacking, but by making yourself comfortable you will increase the pleasure of others. There is, in these days of luxurious traveling, but little occasion to be flurried, and no excuse whatever for not being as well dressed as you are calm and self-possessed.Dress means a great deal, and if you have not a servant with you it will simply require a little care at the commencement to insure your entire freedom from all annoyance.
As I have already observed in a previous chapter, in a long journey it would be better to take more than one trunk, but even if you have but the one you should carry also a bag with your toilet articles. A dressing bag is most requisite, and if you can not afford thisyou could have an ordinary bag, or even a "dress suit" case, fitted up with the necessary appliances of the toilet. These, it is almost absurd to state, consist of your razors, tooth and nail brushes, combs and hairbrushes, individual soap, and a few small vials of very useful physic, such as Jamaica ginger, Pond's extract, liver pills, cologne,and, if you do not carry it in your pocket, a brandy flask. There are times when this is absolutely necessary.In my dressing bag, if possible, I would take my pyjamas, so as to be perfectly equipped for the night, in case, at the end of my journey, I could not get at my trunk.Overcoats, waterproof coat, umbrellas, walking sticks, etc., should be carried in a shawl strap, where you could also have a novel or so, or a budget of interesting newspapers or magazines. For short railway or steamer journeys, the best dress is the ordinary lounge or morning sack suit, with a soft felt or Hombourg hat. Gloves are necessary. Tan or gray suede is the most correct. In winter an ulster should be worn.Select for sea or for ocean voyages the warmest lounge suit you have, or, if you feel more disposed, a warm tweed knickerbocker suit, such as you wear for golf. I think it is a good principle to put on your old clothes at sea.Only very vulgar people dress for this occasion.For late dinner on the ship I would have a black cutaway coat and a light tie. I believe men must change their clothes before dinner at all places and under all circumstances.Russet shoes are worn.
Do not hurry. Have your tickets purchased in time, and arrive at a train so that you will have fully five minutes in which to check your luggage.
On an ocean voyage, if the ship is going to leave at an early hour in the morning, go on board the night before. Farewell suppers are like greetings in tugboats and other vulgar celebrations, the meed of the second-class politician. Arrange with your banker for letters of credit, and take with you just sufficient small change to carry you comfortably and pay your little expenses, with one note of a larger denomination in case of accident. Do not get your money changed on the ship. It is effected at a very high rate of discount. Thus on English ships—the Cunard, White Star, Anchor, and Allan lines—English currency is used. The Hamburg and the North German Lloyd employ German, and the Transatlantique, French. Your steamer trunk and your bag and shawl strap should be placed in the cabinwith you. Steamer chairs, in these days, can be hired. Do not carry one around with you. It is a nuisance.On the ocean steamers the steward will attend to your little wants, and prepare your bath for you in the morning, for which there is a fee, I think, of twenty-five cents a day. It is customary on leaving a ship to give gratuities to servants. To the cabin steward on English ships, ten shillings, the head steward ten shillings, and your waiter ten shillings. On others, for a six days' voyage, a fee equal to two dollars should be given to your waiter and your cabin steward and to the head steward.Servants abroad are feed on a regular tariff, which you will find in the guidebooks. In this country the drawing-car fiend expects twenty-five cents for a day's journey; fifty cents to a dollar for longer and more extended service. At American hotels the waiters are tipped when you leave, and a small gratuity given to chambermaids.
Courtesy, especially to women, is the one thing expected from every gentleman who travels, and if you can assist any one in distress by advice or by help of any kind do so, particularly if it is an unprotected woman. But be very guarded in making new acquaintances. Such as are picked up on the steamer,for instance, can be dropped as soon as you land. Beware of the cardroom and the poker sharps who travel on the great liners. Make it a rule, if you will play for money, never to do so with strangers.
When traveling with a lady, always carry her bag and assist her in and out of the trains. Your behavior is on its mettle under these circumstances, and traveling is very apt to be like a mustard plaster, bringing out both the good and evil attributes of a man.
The subject of foreign travel also needs a few words as well as a bit of general advice.English customs and our own are so much alike that it would be strange, indeed, if an American could not get along in the land where his own tongue is spoken.One of the first difficulties which once beset traveling Americans in London was the regulation in theaters that the audience, or that part of it occupying the best stalls, should be in evening dress. As evening dress is now also the rule in New York, this quandary is a thing of the past.Programmes at many of the English theaters are now free, where some years ago it was customary to sell bills of the play for sixpence.
The feeing of servants at hotels, however, continues, and we yet have the charge onhotel bills for service. You are expected to give something to the hall porter, to your waiter, to the boots, and to the chambermaid. The amount of these fees differs according to the length of your stay. I should say a half crown to the porter and less sums to the others.
In London a shilling a mile is the accepted price for cabs within a certain metropolitan radius called the "circle.""Thrupence" or sixpence extra is the tip "to drink your health."
Afternoon dress is the correct attire for the park after midday, and cabs and hansoms are not seen on the Row during riding and driving hours.
In Paris you may wear a blue blouse and make the turn of the Bois in afiacre. The tariff there is two francs an hour, or two francs fifty per course, from one place to another. Thepourboireis fifty centimes.
In France thepourboireis a veritable tax, as it is in Italy and in the Latin countries. In Germany the mark is equal to about twenty-five cents of our money, and it will go a long way. Ten marks will fee a houseful of servants.
At the station in Paris fifty centimes is givento the porter. The "commissionnaire" at the hotel expects fifty centimes.Waiters'pourboiresare eighty-five centimes at breakfast, and at dinner a franc. In acaféthey are twenty-five centimes.
The woman at the theater who puts a footstool under your feet expects one franc, and at many of the playhouses she must be feed for a reserved seat.
In Paris the orchestra stalls are occupied only by men.At the opera during the season evening dress in the boxes and stalls is, of course,de rigueur.At the Comédie Française on Tuesdays and at the Odéon on Thursdays you must be in evening dress in order to gain admittance.
Chairs are sold in Paris at the Catholic churches, and in both the London and Paris parks seats can be hired for a few pennies or sous.
In Paris omnibuses only the seating capacity is allowed. When the omnibus is full, a sign, "Complet," is fastened on the outside.
At the gates of each small town in France theoctroi, or impost, levies on articles of food brought in, and the customhouse in England seizes all American reprints of English books.There, as well as in France, spirits and tobacco are dutiable.
It is only civil to bow when passing the Prince of Wales or members of the royal family. In Paris every hat is removed when a hearse passes, as also in Italy. In Germany the hat is removed when the emperor passes.
Passports are necessary for Russian and Eastern travel.
All large functions on the Continent, no matter what time of the day they occur, demand evening dress. In Paris the bridegroom at a wedding in the afternoon wears evening dress, as well as the chief male mourner at a funeral, but the others present do not. This does not apply to groomsmen and honorary pallbearers, who are in evening dress. In Germany, Austria, and Italy, wherever royalty appears, evening dress is necessary.At the audiences granted by the Pope all men must be in evening dress, and the women in dark gowns and veils.
The Queen of England, the Princess of Wales, and all other female members of the royal family are addressed as "Ma'am"; the Prince of Wales and the male members as "Sir," and never, except by tradesmen, as "Your Royal Highness."
The English dukes are addressed simply as "Duke" and not as "Your Grace"; a marquis is "Lord" and a marchioness "Lady." Younger sons of dukes should be spoken of as lord.A French duke and duchess are addressed as "Monsieur" and "Madame."In Germany one drops the Von when addressing a nobleman who has that title, but when you write to him you must give him his full credentials.
A foreign bishop is always addressed as "My Lord" and a cardinal as "Your Eminence."
The etiquette at a house where the Prince of Wales or a member of the royal family in England visits is rigorous, and on the Continent, when royalty is present, it is even more severe. The prince is never addressed unless he speaks to you. He alone has the privilege of changing the subject of conversation, and all plans for the day's recreation are submitted to him.
These observations are, of course, very general, but the average American to-day is at home in Europe. He should only remember the old adage to do in Rome as the Romans do, and he will not be much embarrassed by foreign customs and habits.
The etiquette of engagements is simple. There are no rules as to how a man should ask a woman to be his wife.
A man is not at liberty to announce his engagement until hisfiancéegives him permission to do so. It is her family who have the right to know first of the existence of an engagement. Very few engagements are entered into so hurriedly as not to be anticipated in a way by the members of the young woman's household. However, the first step to be taken is the announcement by thefiancéeto her mother, her father, or her proper guardian of the existing circumstances. Sometimes this is done in a most informal way by both parties. The day after the engagement has thus been announced it is good form for the man to have a private talk with the young woman's parents or guardian. In America we are supposed tobe above the discussion of marriage settlements. A man should never ask a woman to marry him unless he has the wherewithal to support her in the manner in which she has been accustomed to live. An inquiry into the state of the proposed son-in-law's finances is perfectly proper and should not be taken amiss. Engagements are announced to other members of the family than those of the household by informal notes when it is decided it should be made public. Relatives and intimate friends should be apprised of it before one's general acquaintances. In these days of "society news" the general announcement is frequently made through the medium of the newspapers. It can also be made verbally.
During the engagement it is expected that a man's relatives and friends should pay the prospective bride as much attention as possible. They should call on her and felicitate her as soon as they have been informed of the affair. A pretty compliment for a male member of the man's family or one of his intimates is to send flowers to the newfiancée. Engagements should never be announced unless the wedding day is fixed approximately. Avoid long engagements.
The engagement ring is a solitaire diamond,but one with two smaller diamonds is appropriate. This will depend upon the income of the swain. Rings with colored stones, however, are not in vogue for engagements.
During the engagement the betrothed couple should be seen as much as possible in each other's society. Neither should appear at large entertainments to which the other has not been asked. Little attentions are expected.A man should send from time to time, according to the state of his finances, flowers, sweets, or other tokens. A sensible girl will not approve of costly gifts if you can not afford them. A very acceptable token would be a bunch of violets or American beauty roses sent from a fashionable florist.
When a bachelor marries the arrangement of the details of the ceremony and reception are left to the bride's family, and there is really very little about which to instruct him. Many men wish to know how these matters should be conducted, and a short review is here given under the penalty of its being not within the scope of the Complete Bachelor.
Weddings in society are celebrated either at church or at the home of the bride. The church wedding is the most popular, and in large cities the most fashionable, as it admits of the presence of a large number of people and lends much solemnity to the occasion.
The fashionable hour for a wedding is from high noon—midday—until five o'clock. Evening weddings have within the past five years not been as much in vogue as formerly.
The invitations are issued within a fortnightof the ceremony. The formula is an announcement engraved on a sheet of heavy cream paper folded in two. It is issued in the name of the bride's parents or guardian, and it requests the pleasure of the guest's presence at the marriage of their daughter or ward at such a church or such a number, at such an hour of the day, month, and year.A separate card, inclosed, with the announcement and invitation to the church, states the hours of the reception. The invitations are very simple, engraved in plain English script, and the paper and cards are of a standard quality known to stationers for this purpose. The inner one is addressed only with the name of the person invited, the outer one has this and the street, the street number, and full directions for mailing. Gilt-edged or fancy stationery is vulgar.
I herewith append some examples. The English invariably insist on the R. S. V. P., or "answer if you please," on even church invitations. This is not the regular New York custom.
The reason for this is that in England those asked to the church are always expected also at the reception. Only the bridal party sit down to an elaborate breakfast, the other guests being given the very lightest of refreshments.
American form:
Mr. and Mrs. ——request your presenceat the marriage of their daughterKatherinetoMr. ——,Thursday, February the twenty-eighth,at twelve o'clock.Grace Church,Broadway and Tenth Street.
Mr. and Mrs. ——request your presenceat the marriage of their daughterKatherinetoMr. ——,Thursday, February the twenty-eighth,at twelve o'clock.Grace Church,Broadway and Tenth Street.
Also:
Mr. and Mrs. ——request the honor of your presenceat the marriage of their daughterAnnietoMr. ——on(etc.).Mr. and Mrs. ——request your presenceat the marriage of their daughterMyra RaymondtoMr. ——,Thursday, February the twenty-eighth,at twelve o'clock.Grace Church,Broadway and Tenth Street.Mr. and Mrs. ——request the honor of your presenceat the marriage of their daughterAnnietoMr. ——on Tuesday morning, November twenty-seventh,at half past eleven o'clock.St. Leo's Church,East Twenty-eighth Street.——Please present this card atSt. Leo's Church,November twenty-seventh.
Mr. and Mrs. ——request the honor of your presenceat the marriage of their daughterAnnietoMr. ——on(etc.).
Mr. and Mrs. ——request your presenceat the marriage of their daughterMyra RaymondtoMr. ——,Thursday, February the twenty-eighth,at twelve o'clock.Grace Church,Broadway and Tenth Street.
Mr. and Mrs. ——request the honor of your presenceat the marriage of their daughterAnnietoMr. ——on Tuesday morning, November twenty-seventh,at half past eleven o'clock.St. Leo's Church,East Twenty-eighth Street.——Please present this card atSt. Leo's Church,November twenty-seventh.
English form:
Mr. and Mrs. ——request the pleasure ofLord and Lady ——'scompany atSt. Peter's, Eaton Square,on Saturday, November 4th, at two o'clock,on the occasion of the marriage of their daughterMargaret and —— ——,and afterward at 1 Grosvenor Square.R. S. V. P. ——Admit bearertoSt. Peter's Church, Eaton Square,on November 4th, 1895, at two o'clock.
Mr. and Mrs. ——request the pleasure ofLord and Lady ——'scompany atSt. Peter's, Eaton Square,on Saturday, November 4th, at two o'clock,on the occasion of the marriage of their daughterMargaret and —— ——,and afterward at 1 Grosvenor Square.R. S. V. P. ——Admit bearertoSt. Peter's Church, Eaton Square,on November 4th, 1895, at two o'clock.
If the bride whom a bachelor is marrying is a widow and lives in her own house, the invitations to the church and the reception, or to either or both, would read simply, "The pleasure of your company is requested at the wedding," etc., with a separate card bearing the word reception and stating the hour and address.
Should there be no guests at the wedding, and should it be conducted very quietly or privately, it is necessary that announcement cards be sent out after the event has taken place. These are issued in the name of the bride's parent, parents, or guardian, who simply announce "the marriage of their daughter [or ward] Elizabeth to Mr. Henry Smith Walcott, Thursday, June the twentieth, eighteen hundred and ninety-six." In the left-hand corner is placed the address of those sending out the cards. A card is also inclosed with the names of the newly married couple, their address, and their reception day. Should there be neither parents nor guardians, the parties to the contract can announce it themselves with one card thus: "Mr. William Benham Thorne and Miss Eleanore Taylor, married on Thursday, November the seventh, eighteen hundred and ——, New York." Another card can also be inclosed, on which is the new address of the married couple, as well as their day at home. If it is a church wedding, and there are neither guardians nor parents, you can use the form, "You are invited to be present at the wedding of ——," etc.
A too rigid economy should not be observed in the sending of wedding invitations, and the prospective bridegroom should see that this is carried out. In case there are several members of a family, it is good form to inclose an invitation to each; thus, Mr. and Mrs. Algernon Smith, the Misses Smith, and Messrs. Smith making three smaller envelopes inclosed in the larger one addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Algernon Smith.
As I have advised in the chapter on Cards, your pasteboard should be left at the house of those in whose name the invitations are issued, even if you are asked only to the church. If to the reception, you owe two visits of "digestion"—one to the bride's parents and one to the happy pair.
All the expenses pertaining to a wedding are borne by the bride's parents.The bridegroom, however, pays the clergyman's fee and provides his own carriage, cab, or hansom from his rooms to the church. Thisvehicle is also sent to the house of the best man.
All expenses after the marriage are, of course, defrayed by the bridegroom. It has been strict etiquette for the bride and bridegroom not to use the family carriage, which usually takes them from the church, to fetch them to the railroad station, but one provided by the bridegroom. It is frequently a matter of courtesy for the bride's parents to offer this for the occasion.
The bridegroomshould, as soon as the wedding day is appointed, choose his best man and his ushers. The vogue is to ask his nearest unmarried male relative or his most intimate bachelor friend to serve in the capacity of best man. More recently a number of very fashionable New Yorkers have had married men take that position, and thus the innovation has sanction through the action of the "smart set." A married best man is said to be an English fad, but I find that it could be more correctly termed an Anglo-Indian mode, as this new idea is much more popular in Calcutta and Bombay than in London.
In the selection of ushers, a man asks usually some few of his intimates or club friends, and through courtesy to his prospective bridea male member of her family, frequently her brother. Six ushers are the usual number, although four are quite sufficient. Some few men have been known to dispense with the services of the best man and have only ushers, but this is not exactly correct at a fashionable church wedding. The ushers can be very easily omitted if the ceremony is to take place at the house.
The bridegroompresents his best man and his ushers with their ties, their gloves, and tie pin, which is a souvenir of the occasion, as well as theirboutonnières, or "buttonholes," to accept the last English expression, to be worn at the ceremony.
The tie, gloves, and tie pin are given to the best man and the ushers at the farewell bachelor dinner; theboutonnièresare ordered at the florist's and sent to them on the morning of the wedding. Lilies of the valley are the favorite wedding flowers, but the floral arrangements are regulated by the bride's family, who possibly have a certain color or flower scheme for the church decorations, and the "buttonholes" must be in keeping.
The bridegroomgenerally provides hansoms orcoupésto drive his ushers to the church from their respective residences. As the bride's family provides the carriages for thecortège, these other vehicles may be dismissed at the church.
The bridegroomhimself drives to the church in a hansom with his best man.
If it is a house wedding these carriages need not be provided. In this country thebridegroomdoes not give the bridesmaids any token or present. In England he presents them with brooches or bracelets. In New York the bride presents her maid of honor and bridesmaids with souvenirs in the shape of lace pins, brooches, or bracelets.
The bridegroomalways gives to his bride a handsome wedding present, which is to be worn or carried on the happy day. It may be a diamond tiara, it may be a diamond star, it may be jewels of any kind which he can ascertain would be acceptable to her, or it may be a prayer book.The bridegroomdoes not provide any part of the bride's costume.
If the bride should carry flowers instead of a prayer book, this special bouquet is the gift of the bridegroom, but the flowers for the bridesmaids are provided by the bride.
The expenses of the wedding notices in the newspapers and the fee to the clergyman are paid by the bridegroom through the agency of the best man.
The wedding ring is of bright burnished gold, perfectly plain. The date of the wedding and the initials of the happy pair should be engraved on the inside. The ring is confided to the best man, who produces it at the proper time during the ceremony.
It is customary for a prospective bridegroom to purchase or, rather, to have a wedding outfit made. Very elaborate affairs of this kind are not in good taste, and anything which suggests the occasion is certainly vulgar. Beyond the clothes for the ceremony, there should be a general overhauling of the wardrobe and shirts, undervests, underclothes, handkerchiefs, and such articles must, if any of them are needed or have fallen into decay, be supplied or renewed. All this is a matter of taste.
The bachelor farewell dinneris now a recognized institution. Perhaps next to the ceremony itself, it is regarded as the most important social function of the wedding week.
If you are a member of a club, your farewell dinner should be given there in one of the private dining rooms. Otherwise it is perfectly correct to have it at a well-known restaurant or hotel, in, of course, a private dining room. You may have it at your own house, and, should your parents be living and you reside withthem, it can be given at home. The club, however, is really first choice. Sometimes the strictly bachelor dinner is dispensed with, and in its stead a dinner is given to the entire bridal party by the family of the bride. This does away with the presumed selfishness of the "stag" dinner, and the possible excuse for some one or more of the guests to become exhilarated—afinale, I am grieved to say, that has happened on more than one occasion.
At the stag dinner you should have your best man, your ushers, and several of your friends. You can invite a married man or so, especially if he is a very jolly fellow, and it is expected that some one or more of your bride's relatives will be included. Twelve is a good number, but, of course, never thirteen, because women are generally superstitious, and should this become known to your future one it might cause her great mental anxiety.
The gloves, ties, and tie or scarf pins to be given to the best man and ushers are placed in white boxes tied with white satin ribbon and put in the outer room to be handed to each man as he bids adieu. Perhaps it might be more prudent to place them at the covers, but it would hardly be good form, as there would be in that case several of the guests without favors. And,besides, a dinner with favors is not permissible in these days.
Boutonnièresof lilies of the valley should be also placed at each cover.Themenucards should be simple but tasteful. Elaboratemenusare not now in the best form. In fact, with a bachelor dinner, as with all functions of this kind, elegant simplicity should be the predominating characteristic; cut glass and silver are all that is required. In the center of the table a basket, or, better, a silverjardinièreof roses, is the only floral decoration. During the course of the dinner these flowers are removed and are sent to the bride-elect. It is sometimes the custom—and a very pretty one—for each guest to note a sentiment on amenucard or simply his own name, and have that sent also with the flowers.
The dinner itself can, but need not be very elaborate. I do not like a dinner of many courses. It is usual to serve sherry and whisky and caviare sandwiches in the anteroom before dinner, and also to have cigars and cigarettes galore there as well as at table, although it is not permissible to smoke before the cheese is served. I would recommend raw oysters, a clear soup, a bit of fish with sliced cucumber—an attractiveentrée; afilletwith vegetables,canvas-back duck, cheese and salad, coffee, and fruit.
The Ceremony.
On the morning of the wedding the bridegroom is called for in the hansom or cab which has been ordered for himself and the best man.The best man calls for him and takes him to the church. They should time their movements so as to arrive at least five minutes before the hour appointed for the ceremony.The same precaution should be observed if it is a house wedding.
At day weddings afternoon dress isde rigueurfor bridegroom, best man, ushers, and all male guests.The bridegroom, best man, and ushers should be dressed alike in frock coats and waistcoats to match, trousers of dark gray striped, patent-leather shoes, gray suede gloves, white or pearl-colored scarfs, and top hats.
The English have allowed some latitude, and wear gray frock coats and even colored shirts, but this fashion is not generally in vogue in America.Evening weddings require formal evening dress. A wedding at dusk in winter, where the bride wears traveling costume, calls for afternoon dress on the part of the bridegroom.
The bridegroom and best man alight at the vestry. They remain in the back of the chancel until the first notes of the wedding march notify them of the presence of the bride. The best man must see before the ceremony that the bridegroom's top hat, as well as his own, is sent to the entrance of the church to be handed to the respective owners on their exit.
When the bride, on the arm of her father or guardian, approaches the altar, the bridegroom and best man walk out from the vestry, either together or the best man in advance. In the latter case the best man steps back at the chancel rail, and allows the bridegroom to pass before him. The bridegroom stands on the right-hand side of the altar or reading desk and the best man on his right. The bride is on the bridegroom's left, and her father or guardian a little behind her on her left.
To avoid confusion, the ceremony is generally rehearsed an evening or two before. Much depends on the liturgy of the communion to which the couple belong. The best man has charge of the ring, and must produce it and hand it to the clergyman at the time it is demanded.
At the conclusion of the ceremony the best man precedes the bride and bridegroom in theprocession, escorting the maid of honor, unless thecortègehas been differently arranged. In that case, he makes his way either through the vestry or down one of the aisles to the church door, where he superintends the filing away of the bridal carriages and party. At the reception he goes in to breakfast with the maid of honor, or with a near relative of the bride's family. He may use the bridegroom's hansom from the church to the house, or he may go with one of the family. There is no rule for this. The bride and bridegroom use the bride's carriage.
The best man is intrusted also with the paying of the clergyman. The bridegroom will give him a check for this purpose. As already stated, he also inserts the marriage notices in the newspapers, the funds for which are also provided by the bridegroom. He pays his own personal expenses.
The ushers meet in the church about an hour before the ceremony.The bridegroom generally puts carriages at their disposal, but that is not in the least obligatory. They can take hansoms or cabs, or for that matter go to the rendezvous in the car or stage.The ushers stand at the foot of the nave or aisle and busy themselves escorting guests to seats.An usher offers his right arm to the lady he escorts up the aisle. Even if a lady should be accompanied by her husband or escort, the usher should offer her his arm, and the other man walks up behind them. If an usher should not have had the formality of an introduction to the lady he is showing to a seat, a bow and a smile when leaving her is all that is necessary. An usher, being a friend of the family, knows those who ought to go beyond the ribbon and those who are not relatives or family connections. The bride's brothers, if they are ushers, take care of the members of their family, and the intimate friends of the bridegroom or his relations. The relatives of the bride are placed in the front pews beyond the ribbon on the right-hand side of the altar, and the bridegroom's on the left-hand side. At the arrival of the bridal party the ushers get together and form in the back of the church for the procession up the aisle or nave. Their meeting thus is the cue for the sexton, who signals the organist, and the march is started. The ushers advance up the aisle, two by two, until they reach the chancel, where they divide on the right and on the left, allowing the bridesmaids to pass before them, standing in a semicircle around the altar rails. If it is a Roman Catholic wedding they genuflect as they reach the chancel. They file down the aisle in the same order, heading the bridal procession. At the carriage way they assist the bridesmaids in their carriages, and by previous arrangement they are allotted to certain carriages escorting the bridesmaids.
At the receptionthe bride and bridegroom take their places under a wedding bell of flowers or in the front drawing room between the two front windows, or, again, in the back drawing room. The house is decorated with palms, potted plants, flowers, and other foliage. Pink and white orchids, ferns, and chrysanthemums make very effective decorations. The mother of the bride, or nearest female relative, stands at the door of the drawing room and greets the guests. The ushers and bridesmaids are scattered about the room. If there is only a reception, then the guests, after exchanging greetings with the lady of the house, pass on and shake hands with and congratulate the bridegroom and wish the bride joy. Unless you are an intimate friend, do not attempt any set speech. The bride will say, if she has not seen you for a short time before the wedding, "I must thank you, Mr. Smith, for your beautiful present," or something ofthat kind. If you do not know the bridegroom she will present you to him. If you are a friend of the bridegroom he will present you to the bride, and should say, if such is the case, "Evangeline," or "May," or "Margaret," or otherwise; or "My dear, let me present to you Mr. Algernon Smith, who, you remember, is one of my best friends." And if Mrs. —— has any tact, she will at once reply, "I am so pleased to meet any of my husband's old friends, and I must thank you, Mr. Smith, for the beautifulbonbondishes. They were just what I wanted," or words to that effect. Then pass on. Refreshments are served at a wedding reception from a buffet in the dining room. If you enter with a lady, ask her what she would like, and get it for her. Then take your own choice of refreshment, and stand or sit by her as the accommodations of the room will permit. A half hour at a wedding reception is sufficient. It is not good form to bid good-by to the bride and bridegroom, but only to the lady of the house.
If there is no chaperon—for instance, if the bride be a widow or divorcee and is in her own home—then you must bid her good-by, but in such cases large receptions are not given.
There is always a breakfast or luncheon setfor the bridal party, at which the bride, escorted by the bridegroom, leads the way. The bride's father, escorting the bridegroom's mother, the ushers and bridesmaids and relatives follow. In this country we have no special law of precedence, and these bridal luncheons are more or less informal. There are no toasts.
After breakfast the valet, should there be one, must be ready with the bridegroom's valise, when his master retires to put on a tweed suit for traveling; otherwise it can be laid out by one of the servants. With the coachman on the box and amid the usual shower of rice and slippers, as also the fusillade of a battery of eyes from neighbors' windows, and perhaps a crowd of street urchins and admiring servants, the happy couple start out on their wedding journey. I think it is better taste to wait until dark, almost, so as to avoid all this unseemly publicity, and I am averse to having the coachman and horses decked with white ribbons; but, of course, one does not marry every day in the year, and these little eccentricities are pardonable on such—shall I say?—an "auspicious" occasion.
At a home wedding, as has been said above, ushers are not necessary. The same ceremonial is observed as at church, but due allowance must be made for crowded quarters. Usually very few are asked to the ceremony, but many to the reception afterward. As soon as the ceremony is over congratulations are in order, the newly married couple standing under the bell of flowers where they were married, and receiving the good wishes of their friends.
If a man marries abroad there are many annoying bits of red tape to be considered. In London you are obliged to have a legal residence in the parish where the ceremony is to be performed. In Paris a civil marriage before the mayor of the district is necessary. Certificates of baptism must be filed with him, and you must give proof of the legal consent of both your parents as well as those of the bride. The religious ceremony takes place twenty-four hours after the civil. It is strict etiquette that the contracting parties do not see each other during this interim.
The order of the wedding procession in France and on the Continent differs vastly from that in England and America. There are neither ushers nor a best man. If there are bridesmaids the groomsmen accompany them. The bride enters on the arm of her father preceded by the attendants, and the bridegroomfollows, escorting his future mother-in-law. A long procession of relatives brings up the rear.The men, no matter at what time of the day the ceremony might take place—and evening weddings are unknown—are in formal evening dress.
Under the French law also no widow or divorcee can remarry until ten months have elapsed since the dissolution of the previous contract. This should not be forgotten by bachelors contemplating matrimony with either one of these classes of eligibles. In Germany there are further complications, and I would advise all citizens of the United States contemplating matrimony there to consult the consul or minister at the legation.
When a death occurs in the house all matters should at once be placed in charge of a relative or a friend of the family. The family itself should be kept away from every one as much as possible, and none of the sad details left to them. They should not be seen until the day of the funeral. Front windows should be shut, blinds and shades pulled down, and the outer or storm door of the house closed.A servant is stationed in the hall near the door, as on reception days, to receive the cards of persons calling.All acquaintances who have been entertained at the house leave cards in person, others may mail them. Only intimate friends of the family are admitted to the house.
Should you send flowers, do not purchase or order any set designs. They are hideous—remind one of the tenement funerals, and are strikingly inappropriate. A bunch of whiteroses or of violets is a beautiful offering for a young woman, or two palms crossed, with violets or lilies of the valley attached, for a man or an elderly person.These should be accompanied by your card. If you have been an intimate friend, a few words written—a short note of condolence—would not be amiss. To all of these notes, and in acknowledgment of these offerings, one of the family nearest the deceased in relationship should respond by sending their card with the words, "Thank you for your kind sympathy," or something of that sort, written upon it.
As a rule, when the deceased is a young man who belongs to several clubs or who has a numerous acquaintance, it is better to have the funeral from a church. Pallbearers are chosen from among his intimate friends; a relative never acts as pallbearer. It is not customary for any except the nearest relatives to go to the cemetery. Ladies of the family do not accompany the remains to the cemetery, and they frequently do not attend the funeral services at the church if the deceased is a man.
If the funeral services are held at the house the relatives and intimate friends are invited into the back parlor, dining room, or upstairs, and make their appearance only when theservices begin. The undertaker attends to seating people, arranging the rooms, etc.
There is only one proper dress for a man to wear at a funeral. It should consist of black frock coat, dark trousers, dark scarf and gloves (gray or dark tan, but not black, unless you are a relative), and top hat. Should you be a relative or a pallbearer, wear a black weed on your hat.
As to periods of mourning, there seems to be some little difference of opinion in New York. Ward McAllister treated the subject in quite an exhaustive manner, advocating short mourning terms even for the nearest relatives. For a wife eighteen months is considered the proper thing; for a parent, twelve to eighteen months, sometimes two years; for a brother or a sister, one year; and for a grandparent, six months. A maternal or paternal uncle or aunt is entitled to about two months or less, according to the intimacy which has existed between the families. Seclusion from society is generally consonant with mourning for near relatives. However, people now go to the theater and small dinners and teas after nine months of mourning for the very nearest relatives.
It is not necessary for a man to shroud himself in black. A silk hat with a crape band nearly to the top should be worn by widowers during the first year of their widowerhood; but black shirt studs, black sleeve buttons, handkerchiefs bordered with black, and the other abominations in which the grief-stricken Frenchman arrays himself are not tolerated in this country. In deep mourning one can wear black ties and black gloves, but a white linen tie in summer is permissible. I do not advocate the use of black scarf pins. A black band on the sleeve of a gray suit is also another affectation which should be avoided. Cards should be left after a funeral.
There is no code of etiquette established as yet for divorce. Second marriages should be as quiet as possible. This advice is given to bachelors who are contemplating matrimony with divorcées.
General Advice for Unclassified Occasions.
If you are chosen godfather, you are expected to send a silver mug to your godchild. Christening parties are held about four in the afternoon. Afternoon dress is required.
When giving a dinner or any entertainment at a certain well-known New York restaurantdo not refer to it as "Del's." This is an earmark of vulgarity.
When speaking of the city of New York do not refer to it as "Gotham." This shows the worst kind of provincialism and a vulgar spirit.
Even should your friends be among the most exclusive and fashionable in any place, they are never "swells," nor do they belong to the "Four Hundred." The latter term was once used by a gentleman to designate the probable list of people who were to entertain in New York that season, and has no bearing whatever upon the question of social limit.
If you send flowers never have them arranged in set designs. Fair voyagers will thank you much more if you send fruit, sweets, or books, as flowers on shipboard or railroad trains are nuisances. Books, sweets, and flowers are the only gifts which a bachelor can offer or a woman accept from him.
The terms "lady" and "gentleman" are distinctive. Your friends and acquaintances are all supposed to be ladies and gentlemen. To distinguish them as such implies a doubt. Should you call at a house you ask if the "ladies" are in, so as to distinguish them from the other females in the household. You also toast the "ladies." In referring to the gentlersex, it is more complimentary to speak of them as "women." You would say, "She is a clever woman," not a "clever lady." The person who speaks of "a lady or a gentleman friend" has a defined social position—on the Bowery.
Avoid slang, especially that of the music halls or the comic (?) newspapers. You can well afford not to be "up to date."
In greeting a person say "Good morning," "Good afternoon," or "Good evening," but refrain from such inane phrases as "Delighted, I'm sure." On introduction or presentation, it is sufficient to say "I am delighted to meet you." Avoid also the "How d'y do?" "How are you?" "Very well, I thank you." All this is idiotic.
Whistle all you like in your bedroom, but not in public.
Gentlefolk have "friends" stopping with them, never "company." Servants have and keep "company."
When you refer to wine it means any kind of vintage, and not necessarily champagne. Therefore beware of the "gentleman who opens wine," or the one who gives a "wine party," whatever that may mean. We speak of a dinner, but not of a dinner party. A party to theplay, no matter where the location of the places may be, is never a "box party."
Do not be a professed jester nor yet a punster. The clowns of society are not enviable beings.
When speaking of a fashionable woman do not refer to her as a "society woman." That would imply that she belongs to various societies or guilds, which is not probably the impression you desire to convey.
When a person has a predilection for the use of the word "elegant," and especially when it is employed in the sense of beautiful, good, charming, or delightful, you are quite just in your estimation of his or her vulgarity.
Answers to questions should be given in the direct affirmative or the direct negative. "All right" is not, to say the least, civil, and is ill-bred.
Never exhibit your accomplishments, unless "by special request," in the public parlors of hotels, or saloons of ships, or other places of general gathering. The persons who sing and play the piano and make themselves bores are as reprehensible as the window opening and shutting fiends, the fidgety travelers, the loud-voiced and constant complaining, all of whom are most obnoxious.
Under great provocation the expletive "damn" is tolerated by society, but it should be whispered and not pronounced aloud. The man who swears is certainly beyond the pale, and the one who uses silly and senseless exclamations is not far away from him. One of the marks of a gentleman is his complete mastery of himself under the most trying and aggravating circumstances.
These are but few of the many "don'ts" which it seems necessary to repeat in works of this kind. For a more extended catalogue of social and grammatical sins, the reader is referred to that excellent book The Verbalist, by Alfred Ayres, and the clever littlebrochureDon't. A careful study of these will assist him much in reviewing elementary questions, the knowledge of which was taken for granted by the author of the Complete Bachelor.