[Scene—The ruins of the The Temple of the Gods, on summit ofMount Olympus. Picturesque shattered columns, overgrown withivy, etc. R. and L. with entrances to temple (ruined) R. Fallencolumns on the stage. Three broken pillars 2 R.E. At the back ofstage is the approach from the summit of the mountain. Thisshould be "practicable" to enable large numbers of people toascend and descend. In the distance are the summits of adjacentmountains. At first all this is concealed by a thick fog, whichclears presently. Enter (through fog) Chorus of Stars coming offduty as fatigued with their night's work]CHO. Through the night, the constellations,Have given light from various stations.When midnight gloom falls on all nations,We will resume our occupations.SOLO. Our light, it's true, is not worth mention;What can we do to gain attention.When night and noon with vulgar glaringA great big moon is always flaring.[During chorus, enter Diana, an elderly goddess. She is carefullywrapped up in cloaks, shawls, etc. A hood is over her head, arespirator in her mouth, and galoshes on her feet. During thechorus, she takes these things off and discovers herself dressedin the usual costume of the Lunar Diana, the goddess of the moon.DIA. [shuddering] Ugh. How cold the nights are. I don't know howit is, but I seem to feel the night air a good deal more than Iused to. But it is time for the sun to be rising. [Calls] Apollo.AP. [within] Hollo.DIA. I've come off duty—it's time for you to be getting up.[Enter Apollo. He is an elderly "buck" with an air of assumedjuvenility and is dressed in dressing gown and smoking cap.AP. [yawning] I shan't go out today. I was out yesterday and theday before and I want a little rest. I don't know how it is,but Iseem to feel my work a great deal more than I used to.DIA. I am sure these short days can't hurt you. Why you don'trise til six and you're in bed again by five; you should have aturn at my work and see how you like that—out all night.AP. My dear sister, I don't envy you—though I remember when Idid—but that was when I was a younger sun. I don't think I'mquite well. Perhaps a little change of air will do me good. I'vea mind to show myself in London this winter. They'll be very gladto see me. No. I shan't go out today. I shall send them thisfine, thick wholesome fog and they won't miss me. It's the bestsubstitute for a blazing sun—and like most substitutes, nothingat all like the real thing.[Fog clears away and discovers the scene described. Hurriedmusic. Mercury shoots up from behind precipice at the back ofstage. He carries several parcels afterwards described. He sitsdown, very much fatigued.]MER. Home at last. A nice time I've had of it.DIA. You young scamp you've been out all night again. This is thethird time you've been out this week.MER. Well you're a nice one to blow me up for that.DIA. I can't help being out all night.MER. And I can't help being down all night. The nature of Mercuryrequires that he should go down when the sun sets, and rise againwhen the sun rises.DIA. And what have you been doing?MER. Stealing on commission. There's a set of false teeth and abox of Life Pills for Jupiter—an invisible peruke and a bottleof hair dye—that's for Apollo—a respirator and a pair ofgaloshes—that's for Cupid—a full bottomed chignon, someauricomous fluid, a box of pearl-powder, a pot of rouge, and ahare's foot—that's for Venus.DIA. Stealing. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.MER. Oh, as the god of thieves I must do something to justify myposition.DIA.and AP. [contemptuously] Your position.MER. Oh, I know it's nothing to boast of even on earth. Up here,it's simply contemptible. Now that you gods are too old for yourwork, you've made me the miserable drudge of Olympus—groom,valet, postman, butler, commissionaire, maid of all work, parishbeadle, and original dustman.AP. Your Christmas boxes ought to be something considerable.MER. They ought to be but they're not. I'm treated abominably.I make everybody and I'm nobody. I go everywhere and I'mnowhere. I do everything and I'm nothing. I've made thunder forJupiter, odes for Apollo, battles for Mars, and love for Venus.I've married couples for Humen and six weeks afterwards, I'vedivorced them for Cupid, and in return I get all the kicks whilethey pocket the halfpence. And in compensation for robbing me ofthe halfpence in question, what have they done for me.AP. Why they've—ha.ha.ha. they've made you the god of thieves.MER. Very self denying of them. There isn't one of them whohasn't a better claim to the distinction than I have.Oh, I'm the celestial drudge,For morning to night I must stop at it.On errands all day I must trudge,And stick to my work til I drop at it.In summer I get up at one.(As a good-natured donkey I'm ranked for it.)then I go and I light up the sun.And Phoebus Apollo gets thanked for it.Well, well, it's the way of the world.And will be through all its futurity.Though noodles are baroned and earled,There's nothing for clever obscurity.I'm the slave of the Gods, neck and heels,And I'm bound to obey, though I rate at 'em.And I not only order their meals,But I cook 'em and serve'em and wait at 'em.Then I make all their nectar, I do.(What a terrible liquor to rack us is.)And whenever I mix them a brew,Why all the thanksgivings are Bacchus's.Well, well, it's the way of the world, etc.....The reading and writing I teach.And spelling-books many I've edited.And for bringing those arts within reach,That donkey Minerva gets credited.Then I scrape at the stars with a knife,And plate-powder the moon (on the days for it).And I hear all the world and his wifeAwarding Diana the praise for it.Well, well, it's the way of the world, etc....[After song—very loud and majestic music is heard]DIA and MER [looking off] Why, who's this? Jupiter, by Jove.[Enter Jupiter, an extremely old man, very decrepit, with verythin straggling white beard, he wears a long braided dressinggown, handsomely trimmed, and a silk night-cap on his head.Mercury falls back respectfully as he enters.]JUP. Good day, Diana. Ah, Apollo. Well, well, well, what's thematter? What's the matter?DIA. Why that young scamp Mercury says that we do nothing, andleave all the duties of Olympus to him. Will you believe it, heactually says that our influence on earth is dropping down tonil.JUP. Well, well. Don't be hard on the lad. To tell you thetruth, I'm not sure that he's far wrong. Don't let it go anyfurther, but, between ourselves, the sacrifices and votiveofferings have fallen off terribly of late. Why, I can rememberthe time when people offered us human sacrifices, no mistakeabout it, human sacrifices. Think of that.DIA. Ah. Those good old days.JUP. Then it fell off to oxen, pigs, and sheep.AP. Well, there are worse things than oxen, pigs and sheep.JUP. So I've found to my cost. My dear sir, between ourselves,it's dropped off from one thing to another until it haspositively dwindled down to preserved Australian beef. What doyou think of that?AP. I don't like it at all.JUP. You won't mention it. It might go further.DIA. It couldn't fare worse.JUP. In short, matters have come to such a crisis that there's nomistake about it—something must be done to restore ourinfluence, the only question is, what?MER. [Coming forward in great alarm. Enter Mars]Oh incident unprecedented.I hardly can believe it's true.MARS. Why, bless the boy, he's quite demented.Why, what's the matter, sir, with you?AP. Speak quickly, or you'll get a warming.MER. Why, mortals up the mount are swarmingOur temple on Olympus storming,In hundreds—aye in thousands, too.ALL. Goodness graciousHow audaciousEarth is spaciousWhy come here?Our impedingTheir proceedingWere good breedingThat is clear.DIA. Jupiter, hear my plea.Upon the mount if they light.There'll be an end of me.I won't be seen by daylight.AP. Tartarus is the placeThese scoundrels you should send to—Should they behold my face.My influence there's an end to.JUP. [looking over precipice]What fools to give themselvesso much exertionDIA. A government survey I'll make assertion.AP. Perhaps the Alpine clubs their diversion.MER. They seem to be more like a "Cook's" excursion.ALL. Goodness gracious, etc.AP. If, mighty Jove, you value your existence,Send them a thunderbolt with your regards.JUP. My thunderbolts, though valid at a distance,Are not effective at a hundred yards.MER. Let the moon's rays, Diana, strike 'em flighty,Make 'em all lunatics in various styles.DIA. My lunar rays unhappily are mightyOnly at many hundred thousand miles.ALL. Goodness gracious, etc...[Exeunt Jupiter, Apollo, Diana, and Mercury into ruined temple][Enter Sparkeion and Nicemis climbing mountain at back.]SPAR. Here we are at last on the very summit, and we've left theothers ever so far behind. Why, what's this?NICE. A ruined palace. A palace on the top of a mountain. Iwonder who lives here? Some mighty kind, I dare say, with wealthbeyond all counting who came to live up here—SPAR. To avoid his creditors. It's a lovely situation for acountry house though it's very much out of repair.NICE. Very inconvenient situation.SPAR. Inconvenient.NICE. Yes, how are you to get butter, milk, and eggs up here? Nopigs, no poultry, no postman. Why, I should go mad.SPAR. What a dear little practical mind it is. What a wife youwill make.NICE. Don't be too sure—we are only partly married—the marriageceremony lasts all day.SPAR. I have no doubt at all about it. We shall be as happy as aking and queen, though we are only a strolling actor and actress.NICE. It's very nice of Thespis to celebrate our marriage day bygiving the company a picnic on this lovely mountain.SPAR. And still more kind to allow us to get so much ahead of allthe others. Discreet Thespis. [kissing her]NICE,. There now, get away, do. Remember the marriage ceremonyis not yet completed.SPAR. But it would be ungrateful to Thespis's discretion not totake advantage of it by improving the opportunity.NICE. Certainly not; get away.SPAR. On second thought the opportunity's so good it don't admitof improvement. There. [kisses her]NICE. How dare you kiss me before we are quite married?SPAR. Attribute it to the intoxicating influence of the mountainair.NICE. Then we had better do down again. It is not right toexpose ourselves to influences over which we have no control.SPAR. Here far away from all the world,Dissension and derision,With Nature's wonders all unfurledTo our delighted vision,With no one here(At least in sight)To interfereWith our delight,And two fond lovers sever,Oh do not free,Thine hand from mine,I swear to theeMy love is ever thineFor ever and for ever.NICE. On mountain top the air is keen,And most exhilarating,And we say things we do not meanIn moments less elating.So please to waitFor thoughts that crop,En tete-a-tete,On mountain top,May not exactly tallyWith those that youMay entertain,Returning toThe sober plainOf yon relaxing valleySPAR. Very well—if you won't have anything to say to me, I knowwho will.NICE. Who will?SPAR. Daphne will.NICE. Daphne would flirt with anybody.SPAR. Anybody would flirt with Daphne. She is quite as pretty asyou and has twice as much back-hair.NICE. She has twice as much money, which may account for it.SPAR. At all events, she has appreciation. She likes good looks.NICE. We all like what we haven;t got.SPAR. She keeps her eyes open.NICE. Yes—one of them.SPAR. Which one.NICE. The one she doesn't wink with.SPAR. Well, I was engaged to her for six months and if she stillmakes eyes at me, you must attribute it to force of habit.Besides—remember—we are only half-married at present.NICE. I suppose you mean that you are going to treat me asshamefully as you treated her. Very well, break it off if youlike. I shall not offer any objection. Thespis used to be veryattentive to me. I'd just as soon be a manager's wife as a fifth-rate actor's.[Chorus heard, at first below, then enter Daphne, Pretteia,Preposteros, Stupidas, Tipseion, Cymon, and other members ofThespis's company climbing over rocks at back. All carry smallbaskets.]CHO. [with dance] Climbing over rocky mountainSkipping rivulet and fountain,Passing where the willows quiverBy the ever rolling river,Swollen with the summer rain.Threading long and leafy mazes,Dotted with unnumbered daisies,Scaling rough and rugged passes,Climb the hearty lads and lasses,Til the mountain-top they gain.FIRST VOICE. Fill the cup and tread the measureMake the most of fleeting leisure.Hail it as a true allyThough it perish bye and bye.SECOND VOICE. Every moment brings a treasureOf its own especial pleasure,Though the moments quickly die,Greet them gaily as they fly.THIRD VOICE. Far away from grief and care,High up in the mountain air,Let us live and reign alone,In a world that's all our own.FOURTH VOICE. Here enthroned in the sky,Far away from mortal eye,We'll be gods and make decrees,Those may honor them who please.CHO. Fill the cup and tread the measure...etc.[After Chorus and Couples enter, Thespis climbing over rocks]THES. Bless you, my people, bless you. Let the revels commence.After all, for thorough, unconstrained unconventional enjoymentgive me a picnic.PREP. [very gloomily] Give him a picnic, somebody.THES. Be quiet, Preposteros. Don't interrupt.PREP. Ha. Ha. Shut up again. But no matter.[Stupidas endeavors, in pantomime, to reconcile him. Throughoutthe scene Prep shows symptoms of breaking out into a furiouspassion, and Stupidas does all he can to pacify and restrainhim.]THES. The best of a picnic is that everybody contributes what hepleases, and nobody knows what anybody else has brought til thelast moment. Now, unpack everybody and let's see what there isfor everybody.NICE. I have brought you—a bottle of soda water—for the claret-cup.DAPH. I have brought you—lettuce for the lobster salad.SPAR. A piece of ice—for the claret-cup.PRETT. A bottle of vinegar—for the lobster salad.CYMON. A bunch of burrage for the claret-cup.TIPS. A hard boiled egg—for the lobster salad.STUP. One lump of sugar for the claret-cup.PREP. He has brought one lump of sugar for the claret-cup? Ha.Ha. Ha. [laughing melodramatically]STUP. Well, Preposteros, what have you brought?PREP. I have brought two lumps of the very best salt for thelobster salad.THES. Oh—is that all?PREP. All. Ha. Ha. He asks if it is all. {Stup. consoles him]THES. But, I say—this is capital so far as it goes. Nothingcould be better, but it doesn't go far enough. The claret, forinstance. I don't insist on claret—or a lobster—I don't insiston lobster, but a lobster salad without a lobster, why it isn'tlobster salad. Here, Tipseion.TIP. [a very drunken, bloated fellow, dressed, however, withscrupulous accuracy and wearing a large medal around his neck] Mymaster. [Falls on his knees to Thes. and kisses his robe.]THES. Get up—don't be a fool. Where's the claret? We arrangedlast week that you were to see to that.TIPS. True, dear master. But then I was a drunkard.THES. You were.TIPS. You engaged me to play convivial parts on the strength ofmy personal appearance.THES. I did.TIPS. Then you found that my habits interfered with my duties aslow comedian.THES. True.TIPS. You said yesterday that unless I took the pledge you woulddismiss me from your company.THES. Quite so.TIPS. Good. I have taken it. It is all I have taken sinceyesterday. My preserver. [embraces him]THES. Yes, but where's the wine?TIPS. I left it behind that I might not be tempted to violate mypledge.PREP. Minion. [Attempts to get at him, is restrained by Stupidas]THES. Now, Preposteros, what is the matter with you?PREP. It is enough that I am down-trodden in my profession. Iwill not submit to imposition out of it. It is enough that asyour heavy villain I get the worst of it every night in a combatof six. I will not submit to insult in the day time. I have comeout. Ha. Ha. to enjoy myself.THES. But look here, you know—virtue only triumphs at night fromseven to ten—vice gets the best of it during the other twentyone hours. Won't that satisfy you? [Stupidas endeavours topacify him.]PREP. [Irritated to Stupidas] Ye are odious to my sight. Get outof it.STUP. [In great terror] What have I done?THES. Now what is it. Preposteros, what is it?PREP. I a — hate him and would have his life.THES. [to Stup.] That's it—he hates you and would have yourlife. Now go and be merry.STUP. Yes, but why does he hate me?THES. Oh—exactly. [to Prep.] Why do you hate him?PREP. Because he is a minion.THES. He hates you because you are a minion. It explains itself.Now go and enjoy yourselves. Ha. Ha. It is well for those who canlaugh—let them do so—there is no extra charge. The light-hearted cup and the convivial jest for them—but for me—what isthere for me?SILLI. There is some claret-cup and lobster salad [handing some]THES. [taking it] Thank you. [Resuming] What is there for me butanxiety—ceaseless gnawing anxiety that tears at my very vitalsand rends my peace of mind asunder? There is nothing whateverfor me but anxiety of the nature I have just described. Thecharge of these thoughtless revellers is my unhappy lot. It isnot a small charge, and it is rightly termed a lot because thereare many. Oh why did the gods make me a manager?SILL. [as guessing a riddle] Why did the gods make him a manager?SPAR. Why did the gods make him a manager.DAPH. Why did the gods make him a manager?PRETT. Why did the gods make him a manager?THES. No—no—what are you talking about? What do you mean?DAPH. I've got it—no don't tell us.ALL. No—no—because—becauseTHES. [annoyed] It isn't a conundrum. It's misanthropicalquestion.DAPH. [Who is sitting with Spar. to the annoyance of Nice. who iscrying alone] I'm sure I don't know. We do not want you. Don'tdistress yourself on our account—we are getting on verycomfortably—aren't we Sparkeion.SPAR. We are so happy that we don't miss the lobster or theclaret. What are lobster and claret compared with the society ofthose we love? [embracing Daphne.]DAPH. Why, Nicemis, love, you are eating nothing. Aren't youhappy dear?NICE. [spitefully] You are quite welcome to my share ofeverything. I intend to console myself with the society of mymanager. [takes Thespis' arm affectionately].THES. Here I say—this won't do, you know—I can't allow it—atleast before my company—besides, you are half-married toSparkeion. Sparkeion, here's your half-wife impairing myinfluence before my company. Don't you know the story of thegentleman who undermined his influence by associating with hisinferiors?ALL. Yes, yes—we know it.PREP. [formally] I do not know it. It's ever thus. Doomed todisappointment from my earliest years. [Stup. endeavours toconsole him]THES. There—that's enough. Preposteros—you shall hear it.I once knew a chap who discharged a functionOn the North South East West Diddlesex Junction.He was conspicuous exceeding,For his affable ways, and his easy breeding.Although a chairman of directions,He was hand in glove with the ticket inspectors.He tipped the guards with brand new fivers,And sang little songs to the engine drivers.'Twas told to me with great compunction,By one who had discharged with unctionA chairman of directors functionOn the North South East West Diddlesex Junction.Fol diddle, lol diddle, lol lol lay.Each Christmas day he gave each stokerA silver shovel and a golden poker.He'd button holw flowers for the ticket sortersAnd rich Bath-buns for the outside porters.He'd moun the clerks on his first-class hunters,And he build little villas for the road-side shunters,And if any were fond of pigeon shooting,He'd ask them down to his place at Tooting.Twas told to me....etc.In course of time there spread a rumourThat he did all this from a sense of humour.So instead of signalling and stoking,They gave themselves up to a course of joking.Whenever they knew that he was riding,They shunted his train on a lonely siding,Or stopped all night in the middle of a tunnel,On the plea that the boiler was a-coming through the funnel.Twas told to me...etc.It he wished to go to Perth or Stirling,His train through several counties whirling,Would set him down in a fit of larking,At four a.m. in the wilds of Barking.This pleased his whim and seemed to strike it,But the general public did not like it.The receipts fell, after a few repeatings,And he got it hot at the annual meetings.Twas told to me...etc.He followed out his whim with vigour,The shares went down to a nominal figure.These are the sad results proceedingFrom his affable ways and his easy breeding.The line, with its rais and guards and peelers,Was sold for a song to marine store dealersThe shareholders are all in the work'us,And he sells pipe-lights in the Regent Circus.Twas told to me...etc.It's very hard. As a man I am naturally of an easy disposition.As a manager, I am compelled to hold myself aloof, that myinfluence may not be deteriorated. As a man I am inclined tofraternize with the pauper—as a manager I am compelled to walkaround like this: Don't know yah. Don't know yah. Don't know yah.[Strides haughtily about the stage. Jupiter, Mars, and Apollo, infull Olympian costume appear on the three broken columns.Thespians scream.]JUP, MARS, AP. Presumptuous mortal.THES. Don't know ya. Don't know yah.JUP, MARS, AP. [seated on broken pillars] Presumptuous mortal.THES. I do not know you. I do not know you.JUP, MARS, AP. Presumptuous mortal.THES. Remove this person.[Stup and Prep seize Ap and Mars]JUP. Stop, you evidently don't know me. Allow me to offer you mycard. [Throws flash paper]THES. Ah yes, it's very pretty, but we don't want any at present.When we do our Christmas piece, I'll let you know. [Changing hismanner] Look here, you know this is a private party and wehaven't the pleasure of your acquaintance. There are a good manyother mountains about, if you must have a mountain all toyourself. Don't make me let myself down before my company.[Resuming] Don't know yah, Don't know yah.JUP. I am Jupiter, the king of the gods. This is Apollo. This isMars. [All kneel to them except Thespis]THES. Oh. Then as I'm a respectable man, and rather particularabout the company I keep, I think I'll go.JUP. No—no—stop a bit. We want to consult you on a matter ofgreat importance. There. Now we are alone. Who are you?THES. I am Thespis of the Thessalian Theatres.JUP. The very man we want. Now as a judge of what the publiclikes are you impressed with my appearance as father of the gods?THES. Well to be candid with you, I am not. In fact I'mdisappointed.JUP. Disappointed?THES. Yes, you see you're so much out of repair. No, you don'tcome up to my idea of the part. Bless you, I've played you often.JUP. You have.THES. To be sure I have.JUP. And how have you dressed the part.THES. Fine commanding party in the prime of life. Thunderbolt—full beard—dignified manner—a good eal of this sort of thin"Don't know ya. Don't know yah. Don't know yah.JUP. [much affected] I—I'm very much obliged to you. It's verygood of you. I—I—I used to be like that. I can't tell you howmuch I feel it. And do you find I'm an impressive character toplay?THES. Well no, I can't say you are. In fact we don't you youmuch out of burlesque.JUP. Burlesque!THES. Yes, it's a painful subject, drop it, drop it. The factis, you are not the gods you were—you're behind your age.JUP. Well, but what are we to do? We feel that we ought to dosomething, but we don't know what.THES. Why don't you all go down to earth, incog, mingle with theworld, hear and see what people think of you, and judge foryourselves as to the best means to take to restore yourinfluence?JUP. Ah, but what's to become of Olympus in the meantime?THES. Lor' bless you, don't distress yourself about that. I've avery good company, used to take long parts on the shortestnotice. Invest us with your powers and we'll fill your placestill you return.JUP. [aside] The offer is tempting. But suppose you fail?THES. Fail. Oh, we never fail in our profession. We've nothingbut great successes.JUP. Then it's a bargain.THES. It's a bargain. [they shake hands on it]JUP. And that you may not be entirely without assistance, we willleave you Mercury and whenever you find yourself in a difficultyyou can consult him. [enter Mercury]JUP. So that's arranged—you take my place, my boy,While we make trial of a new existence.At length I will be able to enjoyThe pleasures I have envied from a distance.MER. Compelled upon Olympus here to stop,While the other gods go down to play the hero.Don't be surprised if on this mountain topYou find your Mercury is down at zero.AP. To earth away to join in mortal acts.And gather fresh materials to write on.Investigate more closely, several facts,That I for centuries have thrown some light on.DIA. I, as the modest moon with crescent bow.Have always shown a light to nightly scandal,I must say I'd like to go below,And find out if the game is worth the candle.[enter all thespians, summoned by Mercury]MER. Here come your people.THES. People better now.THES. While mighty Jove goes down belowWith all the other deities.I fill his place and wear his "clo,"The very part for me it is.To mother earth to make a track,They are all spurred and booted, too.And you will fill, till they come back,The parts you best are suited to.CHO. Here's a pretty tale for future Iliads and OdysseysMortals are about to personate the gods and goddesses.Now to set the world in order, we will work in unity.Jupiter's perplexity is Thespis's opportunity.SPAR. Phoebus am I, with golden ray,The god of day, the god of day.When shadowy night has held her sway,I make the goddesses fly.Tis mine the task to wake the world,In slumber curled, in slumber curled.By me her charms are all unfurledThe god of day am I.CHO. The god of day, the god of day,The park shall our Sparkeion play,Ha Ha, etc.The rarest fun and rarest fareThat ever fell to mortal shareHa ha etc.NICE. I am the moon, the lamp of night.I show a light — I show a light.With radiant sheen I put to flightThe shadows of the sky.By my fair rays, as you're aware,Gay lovers swear—gay lovers swear,While greybeards sleep away their care,The lamp of night am I.CHO. The lamp of night-the lamp of night.Nicemis plays, to her delight.Ha Ha Ha Ha.The rarest fun and rarest fare,That ever fell to mortal share,Ha Ha Ha HaTIM. Mighty old Mars, the god of war,I'm destined for—I'm destined for.A terribly famous conqueror,With sword upon his thigh.When armies meet with eager shoutAnd warlike rout, and warlike rout,You'll find me there without a doubt.The God of War am I.CHO. The god of war, the god of warGreat Timidon is destined for.Ha Ha Ha HaThe rest fun and rarest fareThat ever fell to mortal shareHa Ha Ha HaDAPH. When, as the fruit of warlike deeds,The soldier bleed, the soldier bleeds,Calliope crowns heroic deeds,With immortality.From mere oblivion I reclaimThe soldier's name, the soldier's nameAnd write it on the roll of fame,The muse of fame am I.CHO. The muse of fame, the muse of fame.Callipe is Daphne's name.Ha Ha Ha HaThe rarest fun and rarest fare,That ever fell to mortal share.Ha Ha Ha Ha.TUTTI. Here's a pretty tale.[Enter procession of old Gods, they come down very muchastonished at all they see, then passing by, ascent the platformthat leads to the descent at the back.]GODS. We will go,Down below,Revels rare,We will share.Ha Ha HaWith a gayHolidayAll unknown,And aloneHa Ha Ha.TUTTI. Here's a pretty tale.[The gods, including those who have lately entered in processiongroup themselves on rising ground at back. The Thespians kneelingbid them farewell.]
SCENE-the same scene as in Act I with the exception that in placeof the ruins that filled the foreground of the stage, theinterior of a magnificent temple is seen showing the backgroundof the scene of Act I, through the columns of the portico at theback. High throne. L.U.E. Low seats below it. All the substitutegods and goddesses [that is to say, Thespians] are discoveredgrouped in picturesque attitudes about the stage, eating anddrinking, and smoking and singing the following verses.CHO. Of all symposiaThe best by halfUpon Olympus, here await us.We eat ambrosia.And nectar quaff,It cheers but don't inebriate us.We know the fallacies,Of human foodSo please to pass Olympian rosy,We built up palaces,Where ruins stood,And find them much more snug and cosy.SILL. To work and think, my dear,Up here would be,The height of conscientious folly.So eat and drink, my dear,I like to see,Young people gay—young people jolly.Olympian food my love,I'll lay long odds,Will please your lips—those rosy portals,What is the good, my loveOf being gods,If we must work like common mortals?CHO. Of all symposia...etc.[Exeunt all but Nicemis, who is dressed as Diana and Pretteia,who is dressed as Venus. They take Sillimon's arm and bring himdown]SILL. Bless their little hearts, I can refuse them nothing. Asthe Olympian stage-manager I ought to be strict with them andmake them do their duty, but i can't. Bless their little hearts,when I see the pretty little craft come sailing up to me with awheedling smile on their pretty little figure-heads, I can't turnmy back on 'em. I'm all bow, though I'm sure I try to be stern.PRET. You certainly are a dear old thing.SILL. She says I'm a dear old thing. Deputy Venus says I'm adear old thing.NICE. It's her affectionate habit to describe everybody in thoseterms. I am more particular, but still even I am bound to admitthat you are certainly a very dear old thing.SILL. Deputy Venus says I'm a dear old thing, and Deputy Dianawho is much more particular, endorses it. Who could be severewith such deputy divinities.PRET. Do you know, I'm going to ask you a favour.SILL. Venus is going to ask me a favour.PRET. You see, I am Venus.SILL. No one who saw your face would doubt it.NICE. [aside] No one who knew her character would.PRET. Well Venus, you know, is married to Mars.SILL. To Vulcan, my dear, to Vulcan. The exact connubial relationof the different gods and goddesses is a point on which we mustbe extremely particular.PRET. I beg your pardon—Venus is married to Mars.NICE. If she isn't married to Mars, she ought to be.SILL. Then that decides it—call it married to Mars.PRET. Married to Vulcan or married to Mars, what does it signify?SILL. My dear, it's a matter on which I have no personal feelingwhatever.PRET. So that she is married to someone.SILL. Exactly. So that she is married to someone. Call it marriedto Mars.PRET. Now here's my difficulty. Presumptios takes the place ofMars, and Presumptios is my father.SILL. Then why object to Vulcan?PRET. Because Vulcan is my grandfather.SILL. But, my dear, what an objection. You are playing a parttill the real gods return. That's all. Whether you are supposedto be married to your father—or your grandfather, what does itmatter? This passion for realism is the curse of the stage.PRET. That's all very well, but I can't throw myself into a partthat has already lasted a twelvemonth, when I have to make loveto my father. It interferes with my conception of thecharacters. It spoils the part.SILL. Well, well. I'll see what can be done. [Exit Pretteia,L.U.E.) That's always the way with beginners, they've noimaginative power. A true artist ought to be superior to suchconsiderations. [Nicemis comes down R.] Well, Nicemis, I shouldsay, Diana, what's wrong with you? Don't you like your part?NICE. Oh, immensely. It's great fun.SILL. Don't you find it lonely out by yourself all night?NICE. Oh, but I'm not alone all night.SILL. But, I don't want to ask any injudicious questions, but whoaccompanies you?NICE. Who? Why Sparkeion, of course.SILL. Sparkeion? Well, but Sparkeion is Phoebus Apollo [enterSparkeion] He's the sun, you know.NICE. Of course he is. I should catch my death of cold, in thenight air, if he didn't accompany me.SPAR. My dear Sillimon, it would never do for a young lady to beout alone all night. It wouldn't be respectable.SILL. There's a good deal of truth in that. But still—the sun—at night—I don't like the idea. The original Diana always wentout alone.NICE. I hope the original Diana is no rule for me. After all,what does it matter?SILL. To be sure—what does it matter?SPAR. The sun at night, or in the daytime.SILL. So that he shines. That's all that's necessary. [ExitNicemis, R.U.E.] But poor Daphne, what will she say to this.SPAR. Oh, Daphne can console herself; young ladies soon get overthis sort of thing. Did you never hear of the young lady who wasengaged to Cousin Robin?SILL. Never.SPAR. Then I'll sing it to you.Little maid of ArcadeeSat on Cousin Robin's knee,Thought in form and face and limb,Nobody could rival him.He was brave and she was fair,Truth they made a pretty paid.Happy little maiden she—Happy maid of Arcadee.Moments fled as moments willHappily enough, untilAfter, say, a month or two,Robin did as Robins do.Weary of his lover's play,Jilted her and went away,Wretched little maiden, she—Wretched maid of Arcadee.To her little home she crept,There she sat her down and wept,Maiden wept as maidens will—Grew so thin and pale—untilCousin Richard came to woo.Then again the roses grew.Happy little maiden she—Happy maid of Arcadee. [Exit Sparkeion]SILL. Well Mercury, my boy, you've had a year's experience of ushere. How do we do it? I think we're rather an improvement on theoriginal gods—don't you?MER. Well, you see, there's a good deal to be said on both sidesof the question; you are certainly younger than the originalgods, and, therefore, more active. On the other hand, they arecertainly older than you, and have, therefore, more experience.On the whole I prefer you, because your mistakes amuse me.Olympus is now in a terrible muddle,The deputy deities all are at faultThey splutter and splash like a pig in a puddleAnd dickens a one of 'em's earning his salt.For Thespis as Jove is a terrible blunder,Too nervous and timid—too easy and weak—Whenever he's called on to lighten or thunder,The thought of it keeps him awake for a week.Then mighty Mars hasn't the pluck of a parrot.When left in the dark he will quiver and quail;And Vulcan has arms that would snap like a carrot,Before he could drive in a tenpenny nail.Then Venus's freckles are very repelling,And Venus should not have a quint in her eyes;The learned Minerva is weak in her spelling,And scatters her h's all over the skies.Then Pluto in kindhearted tenderness erring,Can't make up his mind to let anyone die—The Times has a paragraph ever recurring,"Remarkable incidence of longevity."On some it has some as a serious onus,to others it's quite an advantage—in short,While ev're life office declares a big bonus,The poor undertakers are all in the court.Then Cupid, the rascal, forgetting his trade isTo make men and women impartially smart,Will only shoot at pretty young ladies,And never takes aim at a bachelor's heart.The results of this freak—or whatever you term it—Should cover the wicked young scamp with disgrace,While ev'ry young man is as shy as a hermit,Young ladies are popping all over the place.This wouldn't much matter—for bashful and shymen,When skillfully handled are certain to fall,But, alas, that determined young bachelor HymenRefuses to wed anybody at all.He swears that Love's flame is the vilest of arsons,And looks upon marriage as quite a mistake;Now what in the world's to become of the parsons,And what of the artist who sugars the cake?In short, you will see from the facts that I'm showing,The state of the case is exceedingly sad;If Thespis's people go on as they're going,Olympus will certainly go to the bad.From Jupiter downward there isn't a dab in it,All of 'em quibble and shuffle and shirk,A premier in Downing Street forming a cabinet,Couldn't find people less fit for their work.[enter Thespis L.U.E.]THES. Sillimon, you can retire.SILL. Sir, I—THES. Don't pretend you can't when I say you can. I've seen youdo it—go. [exit Sillimon bowing extravagantly. Thespis imitateshim]Well, Mercury, I've been in power one year today.MER. One year today. How do you like ruling the world?THES. Like it. Why it's as straightforward as possible. Whythere hasn't been a hitch of any kind since we came up here. Lor'the airs you gods and goddesses give yourselves are perfectlysickening. Why it's mere child's play.MER. Very simple isn't it?THES. Simple? Why I could do it on my head.MER. Ah—I darsay you will do it on your head very soon.THES. What do you mean by that, Mercury?MER. I mean that when you've turned the world quite topsy-turvyyou won't know whether you're standing on your head or yourheels.THES. Well, but Mercury, it's all right at present.MER. Oh yes—as far as we know.THES. Well, but, you know, we know as much as anybody knows; youknow I believe the world's still going on.MER. Yes—as far as we can judge—much as usual.THES. Well, the, give the Father of the Drama his due Mercury.Don't be envious of the Father of the Drama.MER. But you see you leave so much to accident.THES. Well, Mercury, if I do, it's my principle. I am an easyman, and I like to make things as pleasant as possible. What didI do the day we took office? Why I called the company togetherand I said to them: "Here we are, you know, gods and goddesses,no mistake about it, the real thing. Well, we have certain dutiesto discharge, let's discharge them intelligently. Don't let us behampered by routine and red tape and precedent, let's set theoriginal gods an example, and put a liberal interpretation on ourduties. If it occurs to any one to try an experiment in his owndepartment, let him try it, if he fails there's no harm done, ifhe succeeds it is a distinct gain to society. Don't hurry yourwork, do it slowly and well." And here we are after a twelvemonthand not a single complaint or a single petition has reached me.MER. No, not yet.THES. What do you mean by "no,not yet?"MER. Well, you see, you don't understand things. All thepetitions that are addressed by men to Jupiter pass through myhands, and its my duty to collect them and present them once ayear.THES. Oh, only once a year?MER. Only once a year—THES. And the year is up?MER. Today.THES. Oh, then I suppose there are some complaints?MER. Yes, there are some.THES. [Disturbed] Oh, perhaps there are a good many?MER. There are a good many.THES. Oh, perhaps there are a thundering lot?MER. There are a thundering lot.THES. [very much disturbed] Oh.MER. You see you've been taking it so very easy—and so have mostof your company.THES. Oh, who has been taking it easy?MER. Well, all except those who have been trying experiments.THES. Well but I suppose the experiment are ingenious?MER. Yes; they are ingenious, but on the whole ill-judged. Butit's time go and summon your court.THES. What for.MER. To hear the complaints. In five minutes they will be here.[Exit]THES. [very uneasy] I don't know how it is, but there issomething in that young man's manner that suggests that thefather of the gods has been taking it too easy. Perhaps it wouldhave been better if I hadn't given my company so much scope. Iwonder what they've been doing. I think I will curtail theirdiscretion, though none of them appear to have much of thearticle. It seems a pity to deprive 'em of what little theyhave.[Enter Daphne, weeping]THES. Now then, Daphne, what's the matter with you?DAPH. Well, you know how disgracefully Sparkeion—THES. [correcting her] Apollo—DAPH. Apollo, then—has treated me. He promised to marry me yearsago and now he's married to Nicemis.THES. Now look here. I can't go into that. You're in Olympus nowand must behave accordingly. Drop your Daphne—assume yourCalliope.DAPH. Quite so. That's it. [mysteriously]THES. Oh—that is it? [puzzled]DAPH. That is it. Thespis. I am Calliope, the muse of fame.Very good. This morning I was in the Olympian library and I tookdown the only book there. Here it is.THES. [taking it] Lempriere's Classical Dictionary. The OlympianPeerage.DAPH. Open it at Apollo.THES. [opens it] It is done.DAPH. Read.THES. "Apollo was several times married, among others to Issa,Bolina, Coronis, Chymene, Cyrene, Chione, Acacallis, andCalliope."DAPH. And Calliope.THES. [musing] Ha. I didn't know he was married to them.DAPH. [severely] Sir. This is the family edition.THES. Quite so.DAPH. You couldn't expect a lady to read any other?THES. On no consideration. But in the original version—DAPH. I go by the family edition.THES. Then by the family edition, Apollo is your husband.[Enter Nicemis and Sparkeion]NICE. Apollo your husband? He is my husband.DAPH. I beg your pardon. He is my husband.NICE. Apollo is Sparkeion, and he's married to me.DAPH. Sparkeion is Apollo, and he's married to me.NICE. He is my husband.DAPH. He's your brother.THES. Look here, Apollo, whose husband are you? Don't let's haveany row about it; whose husband are you?SPAR. Upon my honor I don't know. I'm in a very delicateposition, but I'll fall in with any arrangement Thespis maypropose.DAPH. I've just found out that he's my husband and yet he goesout every evening with that "thing."THES. Perhaps he's trying an experiment.DAPH. I don't like my husband to make such experiments. Thequestion is, who are we all and what is our relation to eachother.SPAR. You're Diana. I'm ApolloAnd Calliope is she.DAPH. He's your brother.NICE. You're another. He has fairly married me.DAPH. By the rules of this fair spotI'm his wife and you are not.SPAR & DAPH. By the rules of this fair spotI'm/she's his wife and you are not.NICE. By this golden wedding ring,I'm his wife, and you're a "thing."DAPH, NICE, SPAR. By this golden wedding ring,I'm/She's his wife and you're a "thing."ALL. Please will someone kindly tell us.Who are our respective kin?All of us/them are very jealousNeither of us/them will give in.NICE. He's my husband, I declare,I espoused him properlee.SPAR. That is true, for I was there,And I saw her marry me.DAPH. He's your brother—I'm his wife.If we go by Lempriere.SPAR. So she is, upon my life.Really, that seems very fair.NICE. You're my husband and no other.SPAR. That is true enough I swear.DAPH. I'm his wife, and you're his brother.SPAR. If we go by Lempriere.NICE. It will surely be unfair,To decide by Lempriere. [crying]DAPH. It will surely be quite fair,To decide by Lempriere.SPAR & THES How you settle it I don't care,Leave it all to Lempriere.[Spoken] The VerdictAs Sparkeion is Apollo,Up in this Olympian clime,Why, Nicemis, it will follow,He's her husband, for the time. [indicating Daphne]When Sparkeion turns to mortalJoin once more the sons of men.He may take you to his portal [indicating Nicemis]He will be your husband then.That oh that is my decision,'Cording to my mental vision,Put an end to all collision,My decision, my decision.ALL. That oh that is his decision. etc.[Exeunt Thes, Nice., Spar and Daphne, Spar. with Daphne, Nicemisweeping with Thespis. mysterious music. Enter Jupiter, Apolloand Mars from below, at the back of stage. All wear cloaks, asdisguise and all are masked]JUP., AP., MARS. Oh rage and fury, Oh shame and sorrow.We'll be resuming our ranks tomorrow.Since from Olympus we have departed,We've been distracted and brokenhearted,Oh wicked Thespis. Oh villain scurvy.Through him Olympus is topsy turvy.Compelled to silence to grin and bear it.He's caused our sorrow, and he shall share it.Where is the monster. Avenge his blunders.He has awakened Olympian thunders.[Enter Mercury]JUP. Oh monster.AP. Oh monster.MARS. Oh monster.MER. [in great terror] Please sir, what have I done, sir?JUP. What did we leave you behind for?MER. Please sir, that's the question I asked for when you wentaway.JUP. Was it not that Thespis might consult you whenever he was ina difficulty?MER. Well, here I've been ready to be consulted, chockful ofreliable information—running over with celestial maxims—advicegratis ten to four—after twelve ring the night bell in cases ofemergency.JUP. And hasn't he consulted you?MER. Not he—he disagrees with me about everything.JUP. He must have misunderstood me. I told him to consult youwhenever he was in a fix.MER. He must have though you said in-sult. Why whenever I openedmy mouth he jumps down my throat. It isn't pleasant to have afellow constantly jumping down your throat—especially when healways disagrees with you. It's just the sort of thing I can'tdigest.JUP. [in a rage] Send him here. I'll talk to him.[enter Thespis. He is much terrified]JUP. Oh monster.AP. Oh monster.MARS. Oh monster.[Thespis sings in great terror, which he endeavours to conceal]JUP. Well sir, the year is up today.AP. And a nice mess you've made of it.MARS. You've deranged the whole scheme of society.THES. [aside] There's going to be a row. [aloud and veryfamiliarly]My dear boy, I do assure you—JUP. Be respectful.AP. Be respectful.MARS. Be respectful.THES. I don't know what you allude to. With the exception ofgetting our scene painter to "run up" this temple, because wefound the ruins draughty, we haven't touched a thing.JUP. Oh story teller.AP. Oh story teller.MARS. Oh story teller.[Enter thespians]THES. My dear fellows, you're distressing yourselvesunnecessarily. The court of Olympus is about to assemble tolisten to the complaints of the year, if any. But there arenone, or next to none. Let the Olympians assemble. [Thespistakes chair. JUP., AP., and MARS sit below him.Ladies and gentlemen, it seems that it is usual for the gods toassemble once a year to listen to mortal petitions. It doesn'tseem to me to be a good plan, as work is liable to accumulate;but as I am particularly anxious not to interfere with Olympianprecedent, but to allow everything to go on as it has always beenaccustomed to go—why, we'll say no more about it. [aside] Buthow shall I account for your presence?JUP. Say we are the gentlemen of the press.THES. That all our proceedings may be perfectly open and above-board I have communicated with the most influential members ofthe Athenian press, and I beg to introduce to your notice threeof its most distinguished members. They bear marks emblematic ofthe anonymous character of modern journalism. [Business ofintroduction. Thespis is very uneasy] Now then, if you're allready we will begin.MER. [brings tremendous bundle of petitions] Here is the agenda.THES. What's that? The petitions?MER. Some of them. [opens one and reads] Ah, I thought there'd bea row about it.THES. Why, what's wrong now?MER. Why, it's been a foggy Friday in November for the last sixmonths and the Athenians are tired of it.THES. There's no pleasing some people. This craving for perpetualchange is the curse of the country. Friday's a very nice day.MER. So it is, but a Friday six months long.—it gets monotonous.JUP, AP, MARS. [rising] It's perfectly ridiculous.THES. [calling them] Cymon.CYM. [as time with the usual attributes] Sir.THES. [Introducing him to the three gods] Allow me—Father Time—rather young at present but even time must have a beginning. Incourse of time, time will grow older. Now then, Father Time,what's this about a wet Friday in November for the last sixmonths.CYM. Well, the fact is, I've been trying an experiment. Sevendays in the week is an awkward number. It can't be halved. Two;'sinto seven won't go.THES. [tries it on his fingers] Quite so—quite so.CYM. So I abolished Saturday.JUP, AP, MARS. Oh but. [Rising]THES. Do be quiet. He's a very intelligent young man and knowswhat he is about. So you abolished Saturday. And how did you findit answer?CYM. Admirably.THES. You hear? He found it answer admirably.CYM. Yes, only Sunday refused to take its place.THES. Sunday refused to take its place?CYM. Sunday comes after Saturday—Sunday won't go on duty afterFriday. Sunday's principles are very strict. That's where myexperiment sticks.THES. Well, but why November? Come, why November?CYM. December can't begin until November has finished. Novembercan't finish because he's abolished Saturday. There again myexperiment sticks.THES. Well, but why wet? Come now, why wet?CYM. Ah, that is your fault. You turned on the rain six monthsago and you forgot to turn it off again.JUP., AP., MARS. [rising] On this is monstrous.ALL. Order. Order.THES. Gentlemen, pray be seated. [to the others] The liberty ofthe press, one can't help it. [to the three gods] It is easilysettled. Athens has had a wet Friday in November for the last sixmonths. Let them have a blazing Tuesday in July for the nexttwelve.JUP., AP., MARS. But—ALL. Order. Order.THES. Now then, the next article.MER. Here's a petition from the Peace Society. They complainbecause there are no more battles.MARS. [springing up] What.THES. Quiet there. Good dog—soho; Timidon.TIM. [as Mars] Here.THES. What's this about there being no battles?TIM. I've abolished battles; it's an experiment.MARS. [spring up] Oh come, I say—THES. Quiet then. [to Tim] Abolished battles?TIM. Yes, you told us on taking office to remember two things. Totry experiments and to take it easy. I found I couldn't take iteasy while there are any battles to attend to, so I tried theexperiment and abolished battles. And then I took it easy. ThePeace Society ought to be very much obliged to me.THES. Obliged to you. Why, confound it. Since battles have beenabolished, war is universal.TIM. War is universal?THES. To be sure it is. Now that nations can't fight, no two of'em are on speaking terms. The dread of fighting was the onlything that kept them civil to each other. Let battles berestored and peace reign supreme.MER. Here's a petition from the associated wine merchants ofMytilene? Are there no grapes this year?THES. Well, what's wrong with the associated wine merchants ofMytilene? Are there no grapes this year?THES. Plenty of grapes. More than usual.THES. [to the gods] You observe, there is no deception. There aremore than usual.MER. There are plenty of grapes, only they are full of gingerbeer.THREE GODS. Oh, come I say [rising they are put down by Thespis.]THES. Eh? what [much alarmed] Bacchus.TIPS. [as Bacchus] Here.THES. There seems to be something unusual with the grapes ofMytilene. They only grow ginger beer.TIPS. And a very good thing too.THES. It's very nice in its way but it is not what one looks forfrom grapes.TIPS. Beloved master, a week before we came up here, you insistedon my taking the pledge. By so doing you rescued me from myotherwise inevitable misery. I cannot express my thanks. Embraceme. [attempts to embrace him.]THES. Get out, don't be a fool. Look here, you know you're thegod of wine.TIPS. I am.THES. [very angry] Well, do you consider it consistent with yourduty as the god of wine to make the grapes yield nothing butginger beer?TIPS. Do you consider it consistent with my duty as a totalabstainer to grow anything stronger than ginger beer?THES. But your duty as the god of wine—TIPS. In every respect in which my duty as the god of wine can bedischarged consistently with my duty as a total abstainer, I willdischarge it. But when the functions clash, everything must giveway to the pledge. My preserver. [Attempts to embrace him]THES. Don't be a confounded fool. This can be arranged. We can'tgive over the wine this year, but at least we can improve theginger beer. Let all the ginger beer be extracted from itimmediately.THREE GODS. We can't stand this,We can't stand this.It's much too strong.We can't stand this.It would be wrong.Extremely wrong.If we stood this.If we stand thisIf we stand thisWe can't stand this.DAPH, SPAR, NICE. Great Jove, this interference.Is more than we can stand;Of them make a clearance,With your majestic hand.JOVE. This cool audacity, it beats us hollow.I'm Jupiter.MARS. I'm Mars.AP. I'm Apollo.[Enter Diana and all the other gods and goddesses.ALL. [kneeling with their foreheads on the ground]Jupiter, Mars, and ApolloHave quitted the dwellings of men;The other gods quickly will follow.And what will become of us then.Oh pardon us, Jove and Apollo,Pardon us, Jupiter, Mars:Oh see us in misery wallow.Cursing our terrible stars.[enter other gods.]ALL THESPIANS: Let us remain, we beg of you pleadingly.THREE GODS: Let them remain, they beg of us pleadingly.THES. Life on Olympus suits us exceedingly.GODS. Life on Olympus suits them exceedingly.THES. Let us remain, we pray in humility.GODS. Let 'em remain, they pray in humility.THES. If we have shown some little ability.GODS. If they have shown some little ability.Let us remain, etc...JUP. Enough, your reign is ended.Upon this sacred hill.Let him be apprehendedAnd learn out awful will.Away to earth, contemptible comedians,And hear our curse, before we set you free'You shall be all be eminent tragedians,Whom no one ever goes to see.ALL. We go to earth, contemptible tragedians,We hear his curse, before he sets us free,We shall all be eminent tragedians,Whom no one ever, ever goes to see.SILL, SPAR, THES. Whom no oneEver goes to see.[The thespians are driven away by the gods, who group themselvesin attitudes of triumph.]THES. Now, here you see the arrant follyOf doing your best to make things jolly.I've ruled the world like a chap in his senses,Observe the terrible consequences.Great Jupiter, whom nothing pleases,Splutters and swears, and kicks up breezes,And sends us home in a mood avengin'In double quick time, like a railroad engine.And this he does without compunction,Because I have discharged with unctionA highly complicated functionComplying with his own injunction,Fol, lol, layCHO. All this he does....etc.[The gods drive the thespians away. The thespians prepare todescent the mountain as the curtain falls.CURTAIN