Libretto by W. S. GilbertMusic by Sir Arthur Sullivan
DRAMATIS PERSONAETHE LEARNED JUDGETHE PLAINTIFFTHE DEFENDANTCOUNSEL FOR THE PLAINTIFFUSHERFOREMAN OF THE JURYASSOCIATEFIRST BRIDESMAID
First produced at the Royalty Theatre, London, March 25, 1875
SCENE - A Court of Justice, Barristers, Attorney, and Jurymendiscovered.CHORUSHark, the hour of ten is sounding:Hearts with anxious fears are bounding,Hall of Justice, crowds surrounding,Breathing hope and fear—For to-day in this arena,Summoned by a stern subpoena,Edwin, sued by Angelina,Shortly will appear.Enter UsherSOLO - USHERNow, Jurymen, hear my advice—All kinds of vulgar prejudiceI pray you set aside:With stern, judicial frame of mindFrom bias free of every kind,This trial must be tried.CHORUSFrom bias free of every kind,This trial must be tried.[During Chorus, Usher sings fortissimo, "Silence in Court!"]USHER Oh, listen to the plaintiff's case:Observe the features of her face—The broken-hearted bride.Condole with her distress of mind:From bias free of every kind,This trial must be tried!CHORUS From bias free, etc.USHER And when, amid the plaintiff's shrieks,The ruffianly defendant speaks—Upon the other side;What he may say you needn't mind—-From bias free of every kind,This trial must be tried!CHORUS From bias free, etc.Enter DefendantRECIT — DEFENDANTIs this the court of the Exchequer?ALL. It is!DEFENDANT (aside) Be firm, be firm, my pecker,Your evil star's in the ascendant!ALL. Who are you?DEFENDANT. I'm the Defendant.CHORUS OF JURYMEN (shaking their fists)Monster, dread our damages.We're the jury!Dread our fury!DEFENDANT Hear me, hear me, if you please,These are very strange proceedings—For permit me to remarkOn the merits of my pleadings,You're at present in the dark.[Defendant beckons to Jurymen—they leave the box and gather aroundhim as they sing the following:That's a very true remark—On the merits of his pleadingsWe're at present in the dark!Ha! ha!—ha! ha!SONG — DEFENDANTWhen first my old, old love I knew,My bosom welled with joy;My riches at her feet I threw—I was a love-sick boy!No terms seemed too extravagantUpon her to employ—I used to mope, and sigh, and pant,Just like a love-sick boy!Tink-a-tank! Tink-a-tank!But joy incessant palls the sense;And love, unchanged, will cloy,And she became a bore intenseUnto her love-sick boy!With fitful glimmer burnt my flame,And I grew cold and coy,At last, one morning, I becameAnother's love-sick boy.Tink-a-tank! Tink-a-tank!CHORUS OF JURYMEN (advancing stealthily)Oh, I was like that when a lad!A shocking young scamp of a rover,I behaved like a regular cad;But that sort of thing is all over.I'm now a respectable chapAnd shine with a virtue resplendentAnd, therefore, I haven't a scrapOf sympathy with the defendant!He shall treat us with awe,If there isn't a flaw,Singing so merrily—Trial-la-law!Trial-la-law! Trial-la-law!Singing so merrily—Trial-la-law![They enter the Jury-box.RECIT—USHER (on Bench)Silence in Court, and all attention lend.Behold your Judge! In due submission bend!Enter Judge on BenchCHORUSAll hail, great Judge!To your bright raysWe never grudgeEcstatic praise.All hail!May each decreeAs statute rankAnd never beReversed in banc.All hail!
RECIT—JUDGEFor these kind words, accept my thanks, I pray.A Breach of Promise we've to try to-day.But firstly, if the time you'll not begrudge,I'll tell you how I came to be a Judge.ALL. He'll tell us how he came to be a Judge!JUDGE. I'll tell you how...ALL. He'll tell us how...JUDGE. I'll tell you how...ALL. He'll tell us how...JUDGE Let me speak...!ALL. Let him speak!JUDGE. Let me speak!ALL. (in a whisper). Let him speak!He'll tell us how he came to be a Judge!USHER. Silence in Court! Silence in Court!SONG—JUDGEWhen I, good friends, was called to the bar,I'd an appetite fresh and hearty.But I was, as many young barristers are,An impecunious party.I'd a swallow-tail coat of a beautiful blue—And a brief which I bought of a booby—A couple of shirts, and a collar or two,And a ring that looked like a ruby!CHORUS. A couple of shirts, etc.JUDGE. At Westminster Hall I danced a dance,Like a semi-despondent fury;For I thought I never should hit on a chanceOf addressing a British Jury—But I soon got tired of third-class journeys,And dinners of bread and water;So I fell in love with a rich attorney'sElderly, ugly daughter.CHORUS. So he fell in love, etc.JUDGE. The rich attorney, he jumped with joy,And replied to my fond professions:"You shall reap the reward of your pluck, my boy,At the Bailey and Middlesex sessions.You'll soon get used to her looks," said he,"And a very nice girl you will find her!She may very well pass for forty-threeIn the dusk, with a light behind her!"CHORUS. She may very well, etc.JUDGE. The rich attorney was good as his word;The briefs came trooping gaily,And every day my voice was heardAt the Sessions or Ancient Bailey.All thieves who could my fees affordRelied on my orations.And many a burglar I've restoredTo his friends and his relations.CHORUS. And many a burglar, etc.JUDGE. At length I became as rich as the Gurneys—An incubus then I thought her,So I threw over that rich attorney'sElderly, ugly daughter.The rich attorney my character highTried vainly to disparage—-And now, if you please, I'm ready to tryThis Breach of Promise of Marriage!CHORUS. And now if you please, etc.JUDGE. For now I'm a Judge!ALL. And a good Judge, too!JUDGE. For now I'm a Judge!ALL. And a good Judge, too!JUDGE. Though all my law be fudge,Yet I'll never, never budge,But I'll live and die a Judge!ALL. And a good Judge, too!JUDGE (pianissimo). It was managed by a job—ALL. And a good job, too!JUDGE. It was managed by a job!ALL. And a good job too!JUDGE. It is patent to the mob,That my being made a nobWas effected by a job.ALL. And a good job too![Enter Counsel for Plaintiff. He takes his place in front row ofCounsel's seatsRECIT — COUNSELSwear thou the jury!USHER. Kneel, Jurymen, oh, kneel![All the Jury kneel in the Jury-box, and so are hidden fromaudience.USHER. Oh, will you swear by yonder skies,Whatever question may arise,'Twixt rich and poor, 'twixt low and high,That you will well and truly try?JURY (raising their hands, which alone are visible)To all of this we make replyBy the dull slate of yonder sky:That we will well and truly try.We'll try.(All rise with the last note)RECIT — COUNSELWhere is the Plaintiff?Let her now be brought.RECIT — USHEROh, Angelina! Come thou into Court!Angelina! Angelina!Enter the BridesmaidsCHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSComes the broken flower—Comes the cheated maid—Though the tempest lower,Rain and cloud will fadeTake, oh maid, these posies:Though thy beauty rareShame the blushing roses,They are passing fair!Wear the flowers 'til they fade;Happy be thy life, oh maid![The Judge, having taken a great fancy to First Bridesmaid, sendsher a note by Usher, which she reads, kisses rapturously,and places in her bosom.Enter PlaintiffSOLO — PLAINTIFFO'er the season vernal,Time may cast a shade;Sunshine, if eternal,Makes the roses fade!Time may do his duty;Let the thief alone—Winter hath a beauty.That is all his own.Fairest days are sun and shade:I am no unhappy maid![The Judge having by this time transferred his admiration toPlaintiff, directs the Usher to take the note from FirstBridesmaid and hand it to Plaintiff, who reads it,kisses it rapturously, and places it in her bosom.CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDSComes the broken flower, etc.JUDGE. Oh, never, never, never,Since I joined the human race,Saw I so excellently fair a face.THE JURY (shaking their forefingers at him). Ah, sly dog!Ah, sly dog!JUDGE (to Jury). How say you?Is she not designed for capture?FOREMAN (after consulting with the Jury). We've but one word,m'lud, and that is—Rapture!PLAINTIFF (curtseying). Your kindness, gentlemen, quiteoverpowers!JURY. We love you fondly, and would make you ours!BRIDESMAIDS (shaking their forefingers at Jury).Ah, sly dogs! Ah, sly dogs!RECIT — COUNSEL for PLAINTIFFMay it please you, m'lud!Gentlemen of the jury!ARIA — COUNSELWith a sense of deep emotion,I approach this painful case;For I never had a notionThat a man could be so base,Or deceive a girl confiding,Vows, etcetera deriding.ALL. He deceived a girl confiding,Vows, etcetera, deriding.[Plaintiff falls sobbing on Counsel's breast and remains there.COUNSEL. See my interesting client,Victim of a heartless wile!See the traitor all defiantWear a supercilious smile!Sweetly smiled my client on him,Coyly woo'd and gently won him.ALL. Sweetly smiled, etc.COUNSEL. Swiftly fled each honeyed hourSpent with this unmanly male!Sommerville became a bow'r,Alston an Arcadian Vale,Breathing concentrated otto!—An existence la Watteau.ALL. Bless, us, concentrated otto! etc.COUNSEL. Picture, then, my client naming,And insisting on the day:Picture him excuses framing—Going from her far away;Doubly criminal to do so,For the maid had bought her trousseau!ALL. Doubly criminal, etc.
COUNSEL (to Plaintiff, who weeps)Cheer up, my pretty—oh, cheer up!JURY. Cheer up, cheer up, we love you![Counsel leads Plaintiff fondly into Witness-box; he takes a tenderleave of her, and resumes his place in Court.(Plaintiff reels as if about to faint)JUDGE. That she is reelingIs plain to see!FOREMAN. If faint you're feelingRecline on me![She falls sobbing on to the Foreman's breast.PLAINTIFF (feebly). I shall recoverIf left alone.ALL. (shaking their fists at Defendant)Oh, perjured lover,Atone! atone!FOREMAN. Just like a father [Kissing herI wish to be.JUDGE. (approaching her)Or, if you'd rather,Recline on me![She jumps on to Bench, sits down by the Judge, and falls sobbingon his breast.COUNSEL. Oh! fetch some waterFrom far Cologne!ALL. For this sad slaughterAtone! atone!JURY. (shaking fists at Defendant)Monster, monster, dread our fury—There's the Judge, and we're the Jury!Come! Substantial damages,Dam—-USHER. Silence in Court!SONG — DEFENDANTOh, gentlemen, listen, I pray,Though I own that my heart has been ranging,Of nature the laws I obey,For nature is constantly changing.The moon in her phases is found,The time, and the wind, and the weather.The months in succession come round,And you don't find two Mondays together.Consider the moral, I pray,Nor bring a young fellow to sorrow,Who loves this young lady to-day,And loves that young lady to-morrow.BRIDESMAIDS (rushing forward, and kneeling to Jury).Consider the moral, etc.One cannot eat breakfast all day,Nor is it the act of a sinner,When breakfast is taken away,To turn his attention to dinner.And it's not in the range of belief,To look upon him as a glutton,Who, when he is tired of beef,Determines to tackle the mutton.But this I am willing to say,If it will appease her sorrow,I'll marry this lady to-day,And I'll marry the other to-morrow.BRIDESMAIDS (rushing forward as before)But this he is willing say, etc.RECIT — JUDGEThat seems a reasonable proposition,To which, I think, your client may agree.COUNSELBut I submit, m'lud, with all submission,To marry two at once is Burglaree![Referring to law book.In the reign of James the Second,It was generally reckonedAs a rather serious crimeTo marry two wives at a time.[Hands book up to Judge, who reads it.ALL. Oh, man of learning!QUARTETTEJUDGE. A nice dilemma we have here,That calls for all our wit:COUNSEL. And at this stage, it don't appearThat we can settle it.DEFENDANT (in Witness-box).If I to wed the girl am lothA breach 'twill surely be—PLAINTIFF. And if he goes and marries both,It counts as Burglaree!ALL. A nice dilemma we have here,That calls for all our wit.DUET — PLAINTIFF and DEFENDANTPLAINTIFF (embracing him rapturously)I love him—I love him—with fervour unceasingI worship and madly adore;My blind adoration is ever increasing,My loss I shall ever deplore.Oh, see what a blessing, what love and caressingI've lost, and remember it, pray,When you I'm addressing, are busy assessingThe damages Edwin must pay—-Yes, he must pay!DEFENDANT (repelling her furiously)I smoke like a furnace—I'm always in liquor,A ruffian—a bully—a sot;I'm sure I should thrash her, perhaps I should kick her,I am such a very bad lot!I'm not prepossessing, as you may be guessing,She couldn't endure me a day!Recall my professing, when you are assessingThe damages Edwin must pay!PLAINTIFF. Yes, he must pay![She clings to him passionately; after a struggle, he throws heroff into arms of Counsel.JURY. We would be fairly acting,But this is most distracting!If, when in liquor he would kick her,That is an abatement.RECIT — JUDGEThe question, gentlemen—is one of liquor.You ask for guidance—this is my reply:He says, when tipsy, he would thrash and kick her.Let's make him tipsy, gentlemen, and try!COUNSEL. With all respect,I do object!PLAINTIFF. I do object!DEFENDANT. I don't object!ALL. With all respectWe do object!JUDGE (tossing his books and paper about)All the legal furies seize you!No proposal seems to please you,I can't sit up here all day,I must shortly get away.Barristers, and you, attorneys,Set out on your homeward journeys;Gentle, simple-minded Usher,Get you, if you like, to Russher;Put your briefs upon the shelf,I will marry her myself![He comes down from Bench to floor of Court. He embracesAngelina.FINALEPLAINTIFF. Oh, joy unbounded,With wealth surrounded,The knell is soundedOf grief and woe.COUNSEL. With love devotedOn you he's doated,To castle moatedAway they go.DEFENDANT. I wonder whetherThey'll live together,In marriage tetherIn manner true?USHER. It seems to me, sir,Of such as she, sir,A Judge is he, sir,And a good Judge, too!JUDGE. Yes, I am a Judge!ALL. And a good Judge, too!JUDGE. Yes, I am a Judge!ALL. And a good Judge, too!JUDGE. Though homeward as you trudge,You declare my law is fudge.Yet of beauty I'm a judge.ALL. And a good Judge too!JUDGE. Though defendant is a snob,ALL. And a great snob, too!JUDGE. Though defendant is a snob,ALL. And a great snob, too!JUDGE. Though defendant is a snob,I'll reward him from his fob.So we've settled with the job,ALL. And a good job, too!DanceCURTAIN
ORTHE FLOWERS OF PROGRESSMusic by Sir Arthur SullivanLibretto by William S. Gilbert
DRAMATIS PERSONAEKing Paramount, the First (King of Utopia)Scaphio and Phantis (Judges of the Utopian Supreme Court)Tarara (The Public Exploder)Calynx (The Utopian Vice-Chamberlain)Imported Flowers of Progress:Lord Dramaleigh (a British Lord Chamberlain)Captain Fitzbattleaxe (First Life Guards)Captain Sir Edward Corcoran, K.C.B. (of the Royal Navy)Mr. Goldbury (a company promoter; afterwards Comptroller of theUtopianHousehold)Sir Bailey Barre, Q.C., M.P.Mr. Blushington (of the County Council)The Princess Zara (eldest daughter of King Paramount)The Princesses Nekaya and Kalyba (her Younger Sisters)The Lady Sophy (their English Gouvernante)Utopian Maidens:SalataMelenePhylla
ACT IA Utopian Palm GroveACT IIThrone Room in King Paramount's Palace
First produced at the Savoy Theatre on October 7, 1893.
OPENING CHORUS.In lazy languor—motionless,We lie and dream of nothingness;For visions comeFrom PoppydomDirect at our command:Or, delicate alternative,In open idleness we live,With lyre and luteAnd silver flute,The life of Lazyland.SOLO - Phylla.The song of birdsIn ivied towers;The rippling playOf waterway;The lowing herds;The breath of flowers;The languid lovesOf turtle doves—These simple joys are all at handUpon thy shores, O Lazyland!(Enter Calynx)Calynx: Good news! Great news! His Majesty's eldest daughter,Princess Zara, who left our shores five years since to go toEngland—the greatest, the most powerful, the wisest countryin the world—has taken a high degree at Girton, and is onher way home again, having achieved a complete mastery over allthe elements that have tended to raise that glorious country toher present preeminent position among civilized nations!Salata: Then in a few months Utopia may hope to be completelyAnglicized?Calynx: Absolutely and without a doubt.Melene: (lazily) We are very well as we are. Life without acare—every want supplied by a kind and fatherly monarch,who, despot though he be, has no other thought than to make hispeople happy—what have we to gain by the great change thatis in store for us?Salata: What have we to gain? English institutions, Englishtastes, and oh, English fashions!Calynx: England has made herself what she is because, in thatfavored land, every one has to think for himself. Here we haveno need to think, because our monarch anticipates all our wants,and our political opinions are formed for us by the journals towhich we subscribe. Oh, think how much more brilliant thisdialogue would have been, if we had been accustomed to exerciseour reflective powers! They say that in England the conversationof the very meanest is a coruscation of impromptu epigram!(Enter Tarara in a great rage)Tarara: Lalabalele talala! Callabale lalabalica falahle!Calynx: (horrified) Stop—stop, I beg! (All the ladiesclose their ears.)Tarara: Callamalala galalate! Caritalla lalabalee kallalalepoo!Ladies: Oh, stop him! stop him!Calynx: My lord, I'm surprised at you. Are you not aware thatHis Majesty, in his despotic acquiescence with the emphatic wishof his people, has ordered that the Utopian language shall bebanished from his court, and that all communications shallhenceforward be made in the English tongue?Tarara: Yes, I'm perfectly aware of it, although—(suddenlypresenting an explosive "cracker"). Stop—allow me.Calynx: (pulls it). Now, what's that for?Tarara: Why, I've recently been appointed Public Exploder to HisMajesty, and as I'm constitutionally nervous, I must accustommyself by degrees to the startling nature of my duties. Thank you.I was about to say that although, as Public Exploder, I am next insuccession to the throne, I nevertheless do my best to fall inwith the royal decree. But when I am overmastered by an indignantsense of overwhelming wrong, as I am now, I slip into my nativetongue without knowing it. I am told that in the language of thatgreat and pure nation, strong expressions do not exist, consequentlywhen I want to let off steam I have no alternative but tosay, "Lalabalele molola lililah kallalale poo!"Calynx: But what is your grievance?Tarara: This—by our Constitution we are governed by aDespot who, although in theory absolute—is, in practice,nothing of the kind—being watched day and night by two WiseMen whose duty it is, on his very first lapse from political orsocial propriety, to denounce him to me, the Public Exploder, andit then becomes my duty to blow up His Majesty withdynamite—allow me. (Presenting a cracker which Calynxpulls.) Thank you—and, as some compensation to my woundedfeelings, I reign in his stead.Calynx: Yes. After many unhappy experiments in the direction ofan ideal Republic, it was found that what may be described as aDespotism tempered by Dynamite provides, on the whole, the mostsatisfactory description of ruler—an autocrat who dares notabuse his autocratic power.Tarara: That's the theory—but in practice, how does itact? Now, do you ever happen to see the Palace Peeper? (producinga "Society" paper).Calynx: Never even heard of the journal.Tarara: I'm not surprised, because His Majesty's agents alwaysbuy up the whole edition; but I have an aunt in the publishingdepartment, and she has supplied me with a copy. Well, itactually teems with circumstantially convincing details of theKing's abominable immoralities! If this high-class journal may bebelieved, His Majesty is one of the most Heliogabalian profligatesthat ever disgraced an autocratic throne! And do these Wise Mendenounce him to me? Not a bit of it! They wink at hisimmoralities! Under the circumstances I really think I amjustified in exclaiming "Lalabelele molola lililah kalabalalepoo!" (All horrified.) I don't care—the occasion demandsit.(Exit Tarara)(March. Enter Guard, escorting Scaphio and Phantis.)CHORUS.O make way for the Wise Men!They are the prizemen—Double-first in the world's university!For though lovely this island(Which is my land),She has no one to match them in her city.They're the pride of Utopia—CornucopiaIs each his mental fertility.O they make no blunder,And no wonder,For they're triumphs of infallibility.DUET — Scaphio and Phantis.In every mental lore(The statement smacks of vanity)We claim to rank beforeThe wisest of humanity.As gifts of head and heartWe wasted on "utility,"We're "cast" to play a partOf great responsibility.Our duty is to spyUpon our King's illicites,And keep a watchful eyeOn all his eccentricities.If ever a trick he triesThat savours of rascality,At our decree he diesWithout the least formality.We fear no rude rebuff,Or newspaper publicity;Our word is quite enough,The rest is electricity.A pound of dynamiteExplodes in his auriculars;It's not a pleasant sight—We'll spare you the particulars.Its force all men confess,The King needs no admonishing—We may say its successIs something quite astonishing.Our despot it imbuesWith virtues quite delectable,He minds his P's and Q's,—And keeps himself respectable.Of a tyrant politeHe's paragon quite.He's as modest and mildIn his ways as a child;And no one ever metWith an autocrat yet,So delightfully blandTo the least in the land!So make way for the wise men, etc.(Exeunt all but Scaphio and Phantis. Phantis is pensive.)Scaphio: Phantis, you are not in your customary exuberantspirits. What is wrong?Phantis: Scaphio, I think you once told me that you have neverloved?Scaphio: Never! I have often marvelled at the fairy influencewhich weaves its rosy web about the faculties of the greatest andwisest of our race; but I thank Heaven I have never been subjectedto its singular fascination. For, oh, Phantis! there is thatwithin me that tells me that when my time does come, theconvulsion will be tremendous! When I love, it will be with theaccumulated fervor of sixty-six years! But I have an ideal—asemi-transparent Being, filled with an inorganic pinkjelly—and I have never yet seen the woman who approacheswithin measurable distance of it. All areopaque—opaque—opaque!Phantis: Keep that ideal firmly before you, and love not untilyou find her. Though but fifty-five, I am an old campaigner inthe battle-fields of Love; and, believe me, it is better to be asyou are, heart-free and happy, than as I am—eternally rackedwith doubting agonies! Scaphio, the Princess Zara returns fromEngland today!Scaphio: My poor boy, I see it all.Phantis: Oh! Scaphio, she is so beautiful. Ah! you smile, foryou have never seen her. She sailed for England three monthsbefore you took office.Scaphio: Now tell me, is your affection requited?Phantis: I do not know—I am not sure. Sometimes I think itis, and then come these torturing doubts! I feel sure that shedoes not regard me with absolute indifference, for she could neverlook at me without having to go to bed with a sick headache.Scaphio: That is surely something. Come, take heart, boy! youare young and beautiful. What more could maiden want?Phantis: Ah! Scaphio, remember she returns from a land whereevery youth is as a young Greek god, and where such beauty as Ican boast is seen at every turn.Scaphio: Be of good cheer! Marry her, boy, if so your fancywills, and be sure that love will come.Phantis: (overjoyed) Then you will assist me in this?Scaphio: Why, surely! Silly one, what have you to fear? We havebut to say the word, and her father must consent. Is he not ourvery slave? Come, take heart. I cannot bear to see you sad.Phantis: Now I may hope, indeed! Scaphio, you have placed me onthe very pinnacle of human joy!DUET — Scaphio and Phantis.Scaphio: Let all your doubts take wing—Our influence is great.If Paramount our KingPresume to hesitatePut on the screw,And caution himThat he will rueDisaster grimThat must ensueTo life and limb,Should he pooh-poohThis harmless whim.Both: This harmless whim—this harmless whim,It is as I/you say, a harmless whim.Phantis: (dancing) Observe this danceWhich I employWhen I, by chanceGo mad with joy.What sentimentDoes this express?(Phantis continues his dance while Scaphio vainly endeavors todiscoverits meaning)Supreme contentAnd happiness!Both: Of course it does! Of course it does!Supreme content and happiness.Phantis: Your friendly aid conferred,I need no longer pine.I've but to speak the word,And lo, the maid is mine!I do not chooseTo be denied.Or wish to loseA lovely bride—If to refuseThe King decide,The royal shoesThen woe betide!Both: Then woe betide—then woe betide!The Royal shoes then woe betide!Scaphio: (Dancing) This step to useI condescendWhene'er I chooseTo serve a friend.What it impliesNow try to guess;(Scaphio continues his dance while Phantis is vainly endeavouringto discover its meaning)It typifiesUnselfishness!Both: (Dancing) Of course it does! Of course it does!It typifies unselfishness.(Exeunt Scaphio andPhantis.)March. Enter King Paramount, attended by guards and nobles, andpreceded by girls dancing before him.CHORUSQuaff the nectar—cull the roses—Gather fruit and flowers in plenty!For our king no longer poses—Sing the songs of far niente!Wake the lute that sets us lilting,Dance a welcome to each comer;Day by day our year is wilting—Sing the sunny songs of summer!La, la, la, la!SOLO — King.A King of autocratic power we—A despot whose tyrannic will is law—Whose rule is paramount o'er land and sea,A presence of unutterable awe!But though the awe that I inspireMust shrivel with imperial fireAll foes whom it may chance to touch,To judge by what I see and hear,It does not seem to interfereWith popular enjoyment, much.Chorus: No, no—it does not interfereWith our enjoyment much.Stupendous when we rouse ourselves to strike,Resistless when our tyrant thunder peals,We often wonder what obstruction's like,And how a contradicted monarch feels.But as it is our Royal whimOur Royal sails to set and trimTo suit whatever wind may blow—What buffets contradiction dealsAnd how a thwarted monarch feelsWe probably will never know.Chorus: No, no—what thwarted monarch feels,You'll never, never know.RECITATIVE — King.My subjects all, it is your wish emphaticThat all Utopia shall henceforth be modelledUpon that glorious country called Great Britain—To which some add—but others do not—Ireland.Chorus: It is!King: That being so, as you insist upon it,We have arranged that our two younger daughtersWho have been "finished" by an English Lady—(tenderly) A grave and good and gracious English Lady—Shall daily be exhibited in public,That all may learn what, from the English standpoint,Is looked upon as maidenly perfection!Come hither, daughters!(Enter Nekaya and Kalyba. They are twins, about fifteen years old;they are very modest and demure in their appearance, dress andmanner. They stand with their hands folded and their eyes castdown.)CHORUSHow fair! how modest! how discreet!How bashfully demure!See how they blush, as they've been taught,At this publicity unsought!How English and how pure!DUET — Nekaya and Kalyba.Both: Although of native maids the cream,We're brought up on the English scheme—The best of allFor great and smallWho modesty adore.Nek: For English girls are good as gold,Extremely modest (so we're told)Demurely coy—divinely cold—And that we are—and more.Kal: To please papa, who argues thus—All girls should mould themselves on usBecause we areBy furlongs farThe best of the bunch,We show ourselves to loud applauseFrom ten to four without a pause—Nek: Which is an awkward time becauseIt cuts into our lunch.Both: Oh maids of high and low degree,Whose social code is rather free,Please look at us and you will seeWhat good young ladies ought to be!Nek: And as we stand, like clockwork toys,A lecturer whom papa employsProceeds to praiseOur modest waysAnd guileless character—Kal: Our well-known blush—our downcast eyes—Our famous look of mild surprise.Nek: (Which competition still defies)—Our celebrated "Sir!!!"Kal: Then all the crowd take down our looksIn pocket memorandum books.To diagnoseOur modest poseThe Kodaks do their best:Nek: If evidence you would possessOf what is maiden bashfulnessYou need only a button press—Kal: And we will do the rest.