END OF ACT I
SCENE.—Pavilion in the Court of Barataria. Marco andGiuseppe, magnificently dressed, are seated on two thrones,occupied in cleaning the crown and the sceptre. The Gondoliersare discovered, dressed, some as courtiers, officers of rank,etc., and others as private soldiers and servants of variousdegrees. All are enjoying themselves without reference to socialdistinctions—some playing cards, others throwing dice, somereading, others playing cup and ball, "morra", etc.CHORUS OF MEN with MARCO and GIUSEPPE.Of happiness the very pithIn Barataria you may see:A monarchy that's tempered withRepublican Equality.This form of government we findThe beau ideal of its kind—A despotism strict combinedWith absolute equality!MARCO and GIUSEPPE.Two kings, of undue pride bereft,Who act in perfect unity,Whom you can order right and leftWith absolute impunity.Who put their subjects at their easeBy doing all they can to please!And thus, to earn their bread-and-cheese,Seize every opportunity.CHORUS. Of happiness the very pith, etc.MAR. Gentlemen, we are much obliged to you for yourexpressions of satisfaction and good feeling—I say, we are muchobliged to you for your expressions of satisfaction and goodfeeling.ALL. We heard you.MAR. We are delighted, at any time, to fall in withsentiments so charmingly expressed.ALL. That's all right.GIU. At the same time there is just one little grievancethat we should like to ventilate.ALL (angrily). What?GIU. Don't be alarmed—it's not serious. It is arrangedthat, until it is decided which of us two is the actual King, weare to act as one person.GIORGIO. Exactly.GIU. Now, although we act as one person, we are, in pointof fact, two persons.ANNIBALE. Ah, I don't think we can go into that. It is alegal fiction, and legal fictions are solemn things. Situated aswe are, we can't recognize two independent responsibilities.GIU. No; but you can recognize two independent appetites.It's all very well to say we act as one person, but when yousupply us with only one ration between us, I should describe itas a legal fiction carried a little too far.ANNI. It's rather a nice point. I don't like to express anopinion off-hand. Suppose we reserve it for argument before thefull Court?MAR. Yes, but what are we to do in the meantime?MAR. and GIU. We want our tea.ANNI. I think we may make an interim order for doublerations on their Majesties entering into the usual undertaking toindemnify in the event of an adverse decision?GIOR. That, I think, will meet the case. But you must workhard—stick to it—nothing like work.GIU. Oh, certainly. We quite understand that a man whoholds the magnificent position of King should do something tojustify it. We are called "Your Majesty"; we are allowed to buyourselves magnificent clothes; our subjects frequently nod to usin the streets; the sentries always return our salutes; and weenjoy the inestimable privilege of heading the subscription liststo all the principal charities. In return for these advantagesthe least we can do is to make ourselves useful about the Palace.SONG—GIUSEPPE with CHORUS.Rising early in the morning,We proceed to light the fire,Then our Majesty adorningIn its workaday attire,We embark without delayOn the duties of the day.First, we polish off some batchesOf political despatches,And foreign politicians circumvent;Then, if business isn't heavy,We may hold a Royal levee,Or ratify some Acts of Parliament.Then we probably review the household troops—With the usual "Shalloo humps!" and "Shalloo hoops!"Or receive with ceremonial and stateAn interesting Eastern potentate.After that we generallyGo and dress our private valet—(It's a rather nervous duty—he's a touchy little man)—Write some letters literaryFor our private secretary—He is shaky in his spelling, so we help him if we can.Then, in view of cravings inner,We go down and order dinner;Then we polish the Regalia and the Coronation Plate—Spend an hour in titivatingAll our Gentlemen-in-Waiting;Or we run on little errands for the Ministers of State.Oh, philosophers may singOf the troubles of a King;Yet the duties are delightful, and the privileges great;But the privilege and pleasureThat we treasure beyond measureIs to run on little errands for the Ministers of State.CHORUS. Oh, philosophers may sing, etc.After luncheon (making merryOn a bun and glass of sherry),If we've nothing in particular to do,We may make a Proclamation,Or receive a deputation—Then we possibly create a Peer or two.Then we help a fellow-creature on his pathWith the Garter or the Thistle or the Bath,Or we dress and toddle off in semi-stateTo a festival, a function, or a fete.Then we go and stand as sentryAt the Palace (private entry),Marching hither, marching thither, up and down and to andfro,While the warrior on dutyGoes in search of beer and beauty(And it generally happens that he hasn't far to go).He relieves us, if he's able,Just in time to lay the table,Then we dine and serve the coffee, and at half-past twelveor one,With a pleasure that's emphatic,We retire to our atticWith the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done!Oh, philosophers may singOf the troubles of a King,But of pleasures there are many and of worries there arenone;And the culminating pleasureThat we treasure beyond measureIs the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done!CHORUS. Oh, philosophers may sing, etc.(Exeunt all but Marco andGiuseppe.)GIU. Yes, it really is a very pleasant existence. They'reall so singularly kind and considerate. You don't find themwanting to do this, or wanting to do that, or saying "It's myturn now." No, they let us have all the fun to ourselves, andnever seem to grudge it.MAR. It makes one feel quite selfish. It almost seems liketaking advantage of their good nature.GIU. How nice they were about the double rations.MAR. Most considerate. Ah! there's only one thing wantingto make us thoroughly comfortable.GIU. And that is?MAR. The dear little wives we left behind us three monthsago.GIU. Yes, it is dull without female society. We can dowithout everything else, but we can't do without that.MAR. And if we have that in perfection, we have everything.There is only one recipe for perfect happiness.SONG—MARCO.Take a pair of sparkling eyes,Hidden, ever and anon,In a merciful eclipse—Do not heed their mild surprise—Having passed the Rubicon,Take a pair of rosy lips;Take a figure trimly planned—Such as admiration whets—(Be particular in this);Take a tender little hand,Fringed with dainty fingerettes,Press it—in parenthesis;—Ah! Take all these, you lucky man—Take and keep them, if you can!Take a pretty little cot—Quite a miniature affair—Hung about with trellised vine,Furnish it upon the spotWith the treasures rich and rareI've endeavoured to define.Live to love and love to live—You will ripen at your ease,Growing on the sunny side—Fate has nothing more to give.You're a dainty man to pleaseIf you are not satisfied.Ah! Take my counsel, happy man;Act upon it, if you can!(Enter Chorus of Contadine, running in, led by Fiametta andVittoria. They are met by all the Ex-Gondoliers, who welcomethem heartily.)SCENE—CHORUS OF GIRLS, QUARTET, DUET and CHORUS.Here we are, at the risk of our lives,From ever so far, and we've brought your wives—And to that end we've crossed the main,And don't intend to return again!FIA. Though obedience is strong,Curiosity's stronger—We waited for long,Till we couldn't wait longer.VIT. It's imprudent, we know,But without your societyExistence was slow,And we wanted variety—BOTH. Existence was slow, and we wanted variety.ALL. So here we are, at the risk of our lives,From ever so far, and we've brought your wives—And to that end we've crossed the main,And don't intend to return again!(Enter Gianetta and Tessa. They rush to the arms of Marco andGiuseppe.)GIU. Tessa!TESS. Giuseppe! {All embrace.}GIA. Marco!MAR. Gianetta!TESSA and GIANETTA.TESS. After sailing to this island—GIA. Tossing in a manner frightful,TESS. We are all once more on dry land—GIA. And we find the change delightful,TESS. As at home we've been remaining—We've not seen you both for ages,GIA. Tell me, are you fond of reigning?—How's the food, and what's the wages?TESS. Does your new employment please ye?—GIA. How does Royalizing strike you?TESS. Is it difficult or easy?—GIA. Do you think your subjects like you?TESS. I am anxious to elicit,Is it plain and easy steering?GIA. Take it altogether, is itBetter fun than gondoliering?BOTH. We shall both go on requestingTill you tell us, never doubt it;Everything is interesting,Tell us, tell us all about it!CHORUS. They will both go on requesting, etc.TESS. Is the populace exacting?GIA. Do they keep you at a distance?TESS. All unaided are you acting,GIA. Or do they provide assistance?TESS. When you're busy, have you got toGet up early in the morning?GIA. If you do what you ought not to,Do they give the usual warning?TESS. With a horse do they equip you?GIA. Lots of trumpeting and drumming?TESS. Do the Royal tradesmen tip you?GIA. Ain't the livery becoming!TESS. Does your human being innerFeed on everything that nice is?GIA. Do they give you wine for dinner;Peaches, sugar-plums, and ices?BOTH. We shall both go on requestingTill you tell us, never doubt it;Everything is interesting,Tell us, tell us all about it!CHORUS. They will both go on requesting, etc.MAR. This is indeed a most delightful surprise!TESS. Yes, we thought you'd like it. You see, it was likethis. After you left we felt very dull and mopey, and the dayscrawled by, and you never wrote; so at last I said to Gianetta,"I can't stand this any longer; those two poor Monarchs haven'tgot any one to mend their stockings or sew on their buttons orpatch their clothes—at least, I hope they haven't—let us allpack up a change and go and see how they're getting on." And shesaid, "Done," and they all said, "Done"; and we asked old Giacopoto lend us his boat, and he said, "Done"; and we've crossed thesea, and, thank goodness, that's done; and here we are,and—and—I've done!GIA. And now—which of you is King?TESS. And which of us is Queen?GIU. That we shan't know until Nurse turns up. But nevermind that—the question is, how shall we celebrate thecommencement of our honeymoon? Gentlemen, will you allow us tooffer you a magnificent banquet?ALL. We will!GIU. Thanks very much; and, ladies, what do you say to adance?TESS. A banquet and a dance! O, it's too much happiness!CHORUS and DANCE.Dance a cachucha, fandango, bolero,Xeres we'll drink—Manzanilla, Montero—Wine, when it runs in abundance, enhancesThe reckless delight of that wildest of dances!To the pretty pitter-pitter-patter,And the clitter-clitter-clitter-clatter—Clitter—clitter—clatter,Pitter—pitter—patter,Patter, patter, patter, patter, we'll dance.Old Xeres we'll drink—Manzanilla, Montero;For wine, when it runs in abundance, enhancesThe reckless delight of that wildest of dances!(Cachucha.)(The dance is interrupted by the unexpected appearance of DonAlhambra, who looks on with astonishment. Marco and Giuseppeappear embarrassed. The others run off, except Drummer Boy, whois driven off by Don Alhambra.)DON AL. Good evening. Fancy ball?GIU. No, not exactly. A little friendly dance. That'sall. Sorry you're late.DON AL. But I saw a groom dancing, and a footman!MAR. Yes. That's the Lord High Footman.DON AL. And, dear me, a common little drummer boy!GIU. Oh no! That's the Lord High Drummer Boy.DON AL. But surely, surely the servants'-hall is the placefor these gentry?GIU. Oh dear no! We have appropriated the servants'-hall.It's the Royal Apartment, and accessible only by ticketsobtainable at the Lord Chamberlain's office.MAR. We really must have some place that we can call ourown.DON AL. (puzzled). I'm afraid I'm not quite equal to theintellectual pressure of the conversation.GIU. You see, the Monarchy has been re-modelled onRepublican principles.DON AL. What!GIU. All departments rank equally, and everybody is at thehead of his department.DON AL. I see.MAR. I'm afraid you're annoyed.DON AL. No. I won't say that. It's not quite what Iexpected.GIU. I'm awfully sorry.MAR. So am I.GIU. By the by, can I offer you anything after your voyage?A plate of macaroni and a rusk?DON AL. (preoccupied). No, no—nothing—nothing.GIU. Obliged to be careful?DON AL. Yes—gout. You see, in every Court there aredistinctions that must be observed.GIU. (puzzled). There are, are there?DON AL. Why, of course. For instance, you wouldn't have aLord High Chancellor play leapfrog with his own cook.MAR. Why not?DON AL. Why not! Because a Lord High Chancellor is apersonage of great dignity, who should never, under anycircumstances, place himself in the position of being told totuck in his tuppenny, except by noblemen of his own rank. A LordHigh Archbishop, for instance, might tell a Lord High Chancellorto tuck in his tuppenny, but certainly not a cook, gentlemen,certainly not a cook.GIU. Not even a Lord High Cook?DON AL. My good friend, that is a rank that is notrecognized at the Lord Chamberlain's office. No, no, it won'tdo. I'll give you an instance in which the experiment was tried.SONG—DON ALHAMBRA, with MARCO and GIUSEPPE.DON AL. There lived a King, as I've been told,In the wonder-working days of old,When hearts were twice as good as gold,And twenty times as mellow.Good-temper triumphed in his face,And in his heart he found a placeFor all the erring human raceAnd every wretched fellow.When he had Rhenish wine to drinkIt made him very sad to thinkThat some, at junket or at jink,Must be content with toddy.MAR. and GIU. With toddy, must be content with toddy.DON AL. He wished all men as rich as he(And he was rich as rich could be),So to the top of every treePromoted everybody.MAR. and GIU. Now, that's the kind of King for me.He wished all men as rich as he,So to the top of every treePromoted everybody!DON AL. Lord Chancellors were cheap as sprats,And Bishops in their shovel hatsWere plentiful as tabby cats—In point of fact, too many.Ambassadors cropped up like hay,Prime Ministers and such as theyGrew like asparagus in May,And Dukes were three a penny.On every side Field-Marshals gleamed,Small beer were Lords-Lieutenant deemed,With Admirals the ocean teemedAll round his wide dominions.MAR. and GIU. With Admirals all round his wide dominions.DON AL. And Party Leaders you might meetIn twos and threes in every streetMaintaining, with no little heat,Their various opinions.MAR. and GIU. Now that's a sight you couldn't beat—Two Party Leaders in each streetMaintaining, with no little heat,Their various opinions.DON AL. That King, although no one deniesHis heart was of abnormal size,Yet he'd have acted otherwiseIf he had been acuter.The end is easily foretold,When every blessed thing you holdIs made of silver, or of gold,You long for simple pewter.When you have nothing else to wearBut cloth of gold and satins rare,For cloth of gold you cease to care—Up goes the price of shoddy.MAR. and GIU. Of shoddy, up goes the price of shoddy.DON AL. In short, whoever you may be,To this conclusion you'll agree,When every one is somebodee,Then no one's anybody!MAR. and GIU. Now that's as plain as plain can be,To this conclusion we agree—ALL. When every one is somebodee,Then no one's anybody!(Gianetta and Tessa enter unobserved. The two girls, impelled bycuriosity, remain listening at the back of the stage.)DON AL. And now I have some important news to communicate.His Grace the Duke of Plaza-Toro, Her Grace the Duchess, andtheir beautiful daughter Casilda—I say their beautiful daughterCasilda—GIU. We heard you.DON AL. Have arrived at Barataria, and may be here at anymoment.MAR. The Duke and Duchess are nothing to us.DON AL. But the daughter—the beautiful daughter! Aha!Oh, you're a lucky dog, one of you!GIU. I think you're a very incomprehensible old gentleman.DON AL. Not a bit—I'll explain. Many years ago when you(whichever you are) were a baby, you (whichever you are) weremarried to a little girl who has grown up to be the mostbeautiful young lady in Spain. That beautiful young lady will behere to claim you (whichever you are) in half an hour, and Icongratulate that one (whichever it is) with all my heart.MAR. Married when a baby!GIU. But we were married three months ago!DON AL. One of you—only one. The other (whichever it is)is an unintentional bigamist.GIA. and TESS. (coming forward). Well, upon my word!DON AL. Eh? Who are these young people?TESS. Who are we? Why, their wives, of course. We've justarrived.DON AL. Their wives! Oh dear, this is very unfortunate!Oh dear, this complicates matters! Dear, dear, what will HerMajesty say?GIA. And do you mean to say that one of these Monarchs wasalready married?TESS. And that neither of us will be a Queen?DON AL. That is the idea I intended to convey. (Tessa andGianetta begin to cry.)GIU. (to Tessa). Tessa, my dear, dear child—TESS. Get away! perhaps it's you!MAR. (to Gia.). My poor, poor little woman!GIA. Don't! Who knows whose husband you are?TESS. And pray, why didn't you tell us all about it beforethey left Venice?DON AL. Because, if I had, no earthly temptation would haveinduced these gentlemen to leave two such extremely fascinatingand utterly irresistible little ladies!TESS. There's something in that.DON AL. I may mention that you will not be kept long insuspense, as the old lady who nursed the Royal child is atpresent in the torture chamber, waiting for me to interview her.GIU. Poor old girl. Hadn't you better go and put her outof her suspense?DON AL. Oh no—there's no hurry—she's all right. She hasall the illustrated papers. However, I'll go and interrogateher, and, in the meantime, may I suggest the absolute proprietyof your regarding yourselves as single young ladies. Goodevening!(Exit DonAlhambra.)GIA. Well, here's a pleasant state of things!MAR. Delightful. One of us is married to two young ladies,and nobody knows which; and the other is married to one younglady whom nobody can identify!GIA. And one of us is married to one of you, and the otheris married to nobody.TESS. But which of you is married to which of us, andwhat's to become of the other? (About to cry.)GIU. It's quite simple. Observe. Two husbands havemanaged to acquire three wives. Three wives—two husbands.(Reckoning up.) That's two-thirds of a husband to each wife.TESS. O Mount Vesuvius, here we are in arithmetic! My goodsir, one can't marry a vulgar fraction!GIU. You've no right to call me a vulgar fraction.MAR. We are getting rather mixed. The situation isentangled. Let's try and comb it out.QUARTET—MARCO, GIUSEPPE, GIANETTA, TESSA.In a contemplative fashion,And a tranquil frame of mind,Free from every kind of passion,Some solution let us find.Let us grasp the situation,Solve the complicated plot—Quiet, calm deliberationDisentangles every knot.TESS.I, no doubt, Giuseppe wedded— THE OTHERS. In acontemplativeThat's, of course, a slice of luck fashion,etc.He is rather dunder-headed.Still distinctly, he's a duck.GIA. I, a victim, too, of Cupid, THE OTHERS. Letus grasp theMarco married - that is clear. situation,etc.He's particularly stupid,Still distinctly, he's a dear.MAR. To Gianetta I was mated; THE OTHERS. In acontemplativeI can prove it in a trice: fashion,etc.Though her charms are overrated,Still I own she's rather nice.GIU. I to Tessa, willy-nilly, THE OTHERS. Let usgrasp theAll at once a victim fell. situation,etc.She is what is called a silly,Still she answers pretty well.MAR. Now when we were pretty babiesSome one married us, that's clear—GIA. And if I can catch herI'll pinch her and scratch herAnd send her away with a flea in her ear.GIU. He whom that young lady married,To receive her can't refuse.TESS. If I overtake herI'll warrant I'll make herTo shake in her aristocratical shoes!GIA. (to Tess.). If she married your GiuseppeYou and he will have to part—TESS. (to Gia.). If I have to do itI'll warrant she'll rue it—I'll teach her to marry the man of my heart!TESS. (to Gia.). If she married Messer MarcoYou're a spinster, that is plain—GIA. (to Tess.). No matter—no matter.If I can get at herI doubt if her mother will know her again!ALL. Quiet, calm deliberationDisentangles every knot!(Exeunt,pondering.)(March. Enter procession of Retainers, heralding approach ofDuke, Duchess, and Casilda. All three are now dressed with theutmost magnificence.)
CHORUS OF MEN, with DUKE and DUCHESS.With ducal pomp and ducal pride(Announce these comers,O ye kettle-drummers!)Comes Barataria's high-born bride.(Ye sounding cymbals clang!)She comes to claim the Royal hand—(Proclaim their Graces,O ye double basses!)Of the King who rules this goodly land.(Ye brazen brasses bang!)DUKE and This polite attention touchesDUCH. Heart of Duke and heart of DuchessWho resign their petWith profound regret.She of beauty was a modelWhen a tiny tiddle-toddle,And at twenty-oneShe's excelled by none!CHORUS. With ducal pomp and ducal pride, etc.DUKE (to his attendants). Be good enough to inform His Majestythat His Grace the Duke of Plaza-Toro, Limited, has arrived, andbegs—CAS. Desires—DUCH. Demands—DUKE. And demands an audience. (Exeunt attendants.) Andnow, my child, prepare to receive the husband to whom you wereunited under such interesting and romantic circumstances.CAS. But which is it? There are two of them!DUKE. It is true that at present His Majesty is a doublegentleman; but as soon as the circumstances of his marriage areascertained, he will, ipso facto, boil down to a singlegentleman—thus presenting a unique example of an individual whobecomes a single man and a married man by the same operation.DUCH. (severely). I have known instances in which thecharacteristics of both conditions existed concurrently in thesame individual.DUKE. Ah, he couldn't have been a Plaza-Toro.DUCH. Oh! couldn't he, though!CAS. Well, whatever happens, I shall, of course, be adutiful wife, but I can never love my husband.DUKE. I don't know. It's extraordinary whatunprepossessing people one can love if one gives one's mind toit.DUCH. I loved your father.DUKE. My love—that remark is a little hard, I think?Rather cruel, perhaps? Somewhat uncalled-for, I venture tobelieve?DUCH. It was very difficult, my dear; but I said to myself,"That man is a Duke, and I will love him." Several of myrelations bet me I couldn't, but I did—desperately!SONG—DUCHESS.On the day when I was weddedTo your admirable sire,I acknowledge that I dreadedAn explosion of his ire.I was overcome with panic—For his temper was volcanic,And I didn't dare revolt,For I feared a thunderbolt!I was always very wary,For his fury was ecstatic—His refined vocabularyMost unpleasantly emphatic.To the thunderOf this TartarI knocked underLike a martyr;When intentlyHe was fuming,I was gentlyUnassuming—When revilingMe completely,I was smilingVery sweetly:Giving him the very best, and getting back the very worst—That is how I tried to tame your great progenitor—at first!But I found that a relianceOn my threatening appearance,And a resolute defianceOf marital interference,And a gentle intimationOf my firm determinationTo see what I could doTo be wife and husband tooWas the only thing requiredFor to make his temper supple,And you couldn't have desiredA more reciprocating couple.Ever willingTo be wooing,We were billing—We were cooing;When I merelyFrom him parted,We were nearlyBroken-hearted—When in sequelReunited,We were equal-Ly delighted.So with double-shotted guns and colours nailed unto the mast,I tamed your insignificant progenitor—at last!CAS. My only hope is that when my husband sees what a shadyfamily he has married into he will repudiate the contractaltogether.DUKE. Shady? A nobleman shady, who is blazing in thelustre of unaccustomed pocket-money? A nobleman shady, who canlook back upon ninety-five quarterings? It is not every noblemanwho is ninety-five quarters in arrear—I mean, who can look backupon ninety-five of them! And this, just as I have been floatedat a premium! Oh fie!DUCH. Your Majesty is surely unaware that directly yourMajesty's father came before the public he was applied for overand over again.DUKE. My dear, Her Majesty's father was in the habit ofbeing applied for over and over again—and very urgently appliedfor, too—long before he was registered under the LimitedLiability Act.RECITATIVE—DUKE.To help unhappy commoners, and add to their enjoyment,Affords a man of noble rank congenial employment;Of our attempts we offer you examples illustrative:The work is light, and, I may add, it's most remunerative.DUET—DUKE and DUCHESS.DUKE. Small titles and ordersFor Mayors and RecordersI get—and they're highly delighted—DUCH. They're highly delighted!DUKE. M.P.'s baronetted,Sham Colonels gazetted,And second-rate Aldermen knighted—DUCH. Yes, Aldermen knighted.DUKE. Foundation-stone layingI find very paying:It adds a large sum to my makings—DUCH. Large sums to his makings.DUKE. At charity dinnersThe best of speech-spinners,I get ten per cent on the takings—DUCH. One-tenth of the takings.DUCH. I present any ladyWhose conduct is shadyOr smacking of doubtful propriety—DUKE. Doubtful propriety.DUCH. When Virtue would quash her,I take and whitewash her,And launch her in first-rate society—DUKE. First-rate society!DUCH. I recommend acresOf clumsy dressmakers—Their fit and their finishing touches—DUKE. Their finishing touches.DUCH. A sum in additionThey pay for permissionTo say that they make for the Duchess—DUKE. They make for the Duchess!DUKE. Those pressing prevailers,The ready-made tailors,Quote me as their great double-barrel—DUCH. Their great double-barrel—DUKE. I allow them to do so,Though Robinson CrusoeWould jib at their wearing apparel—DUCH. Such wearing apparel!DUKE. I sit, by selection,Upon the directionOf several Companies bubble—DUCH. All Companies bubble!DUKE. As soon as they're floatedI'm freely bank-noted—I'm pretty well paid for my trouble—DUCH. He's paid for his trouble!DUCH. At middle-class partyI play at ecarte—And I'm by no means a beginner—DUKE (significantly). She's not a beginner.DUCH. To one of my stationThe remuneration—Five guineas a night and my dinner—DUKE. And wine with her dinner.DUCH. I write letters blatantOn medicines patent—And use any other you mustn't—DUKE. Believe me, you mustn't—DUCH. And vow my complexionDerives its perfectionFrom somebody's soap—which it doesn't—DUKE. (significantly). It certainly doesn't!DUKE. We're ready as witnessTo any one's fitnessTo fill any place or preferment—DUCH. A place or preferment.DUCH. We're often in waitingAt junket or feting,And sometimes attend an interment—DUKE. We enjoy an interment.BOTH. In short, if you'd kindleThe spark of a swindle,Lure simpletons into your clutches—Yes; into your clutches.Or hoodwink a debtor,You cannot do betterDUCH. Than trot out a Duke or a Duchess—DUKE. A Duke or a Duchess!(Enter Marco and Giuseppe.)DUKE. Ah! Their Majesties. Your Majesty! (Bows withgreat ceremony.)MAR. The Duke of Plaza-Toro, I believe?DUKE. The same. (Marco and Giuseppe offer to shake handswith him. The Duke bows ceremoniously. They endeavour toimitate him.) Allow me to present—GIU. The young lady one of us married?(Marco and Giuseppe offer to shake hands with her. Casildacurtsies formally. They endeavour to imitate her.)CAS. Gentlemen, I am the most obedient servant of one ofyou. (Aside.) Oh, Luiz!DUKE. I am now about to address myself to the gentlemanwhom my daughter married; the other may allow his attention towander if he likes, for what I am about to say does not concernhim. Sir, you will find in this young lady a combination ofexcellences which you would search for in vain in any young ladywho had not the good fortune to be my daughter. There is somelittle doubt as to which of you is the gentleman I am addressing,and which is the gentleman who is allowing his attention towander; but when that doubt is solved, I shall say (stilladdressing the attentive gentleman), "Take her, and may she makeyou happier than her mother has made me."DUCH. Sir!DUKE. If possible. And now there is a little matter towhich I think I am entitled to take exception. I come here instate with Her Grace the Duchess and Her Majesty my daughter, andwhat do I find? Do I find, for instance, a guard of honour toreceive me? No!MAR. and GIU. No.DUKE. The town illuminated? No!MAR. and GIU. No.DUKE. Refreshment provided? No!MAR. and GIU. No.DUKE. A Royal salute fired? No!MAR. and GIU. No.DUKE. Triumphal arches erected? No!MAR. and GIU. No.DUKE. The bells set ringing?MAR. and GIU. No.DUKE. Yes—one—the Visitors', and I rang it myself. It isnot enough! It is not enough!GIU. Upon my honour, I'm very sorry; but you see, I wasbrought up in a gondola, and my ideas of politeness are confinedto taking off my cap to my passengers when they tip me.DUCH. That's all very well in its way, but it is notenough.GIU. I'll take off anything else in reason.DUKE. But a Royal Salute to my daughter—it costs solittle.CAS. Papa, I don't want a salute.GIU. My dear sir, as soon as we know which of us isentitled to take that liberty she shall have as many salutes asshe likes.MAR. As for guards of honour and triumphal arches, youdon't know our people—they wouldn't stand it.GIU. They are very off-hand with us—very off-hand indeed.DUKE. Oh, but you mustn't allow that—you must keep them inproper discipline, you must impress your Court with yourimportance. You want deportment—carriage—GIU. We've got a carriage.DUKE. Manner—dignity. There must be a good deal of thissort of thing—(business)—and a little of this sort ofthing—(business)—and possibly just a Soupcon of this sort ofthing!—(business)—and so on. Oh, it's very useful, and mosteffective. Just attend to me. You are a King—I am a subject.Very good—(Gavotte.)DUKE, DUCHESS, CASILDA, MARCO, GIUSEPPE.DUKE. I am a courtier grave and seriousWho is about to kiss your hand:Try to combine a pose imperiousWith a demeanour nobly bland.MAR. and Let us combine a pose imperiousGIU. With a demeanour nobly bland.(Marco and Giuseppe endeavour to carry out his instructions.)DUKE. That's, if anything, too unbending—Too aggressively stiff and grand;(They suddenly modify their attitudes.)Now to the other extreme you're tending—Don't be so deucedly condescending!DUCH. and Now to the other extreme you're tending—CAS. Don't be so dreadfully condescending!MAR. and Oh, hard to please some noblemen seem!GIU. At first, if anything, too unbending;Off we go to the other extreme—Too confoundedly condescending!DUKE. Now a gavotte perform sedately—Offer your hand with conscious pride;Take an attitude not too stately,Still sufficiently dignified.MAR. and Now for an attitude not too stately,GIU. Still sufficiently dignified.(They endeavour to carry out his instructions.)DUKE (beating Oncely, twicely—oncely, twicely—time). Bow impressively ere you glide.(Theydo so.)Capital both, capitalboth—you've caught it nicely!That is the style of thing precisely!DUCH. and Capital both, capital both—they'vecaught it nicely!CAS. That is the style of thing precisely!MAR. and Oh, sweet to earn a nobleman's praise!GIU. Capital both, capital both—we've caught itnicely!Supposing he's right in what he says,This is the style ofthing precisely!(Gavotte. At the end exeunt Duke and Duchess, leaving Casildawith Marco and Giuseppe.)GIU. (to Marco). The old birds have gone away and left theyoung chickens together. That's called tact.MAR. It's very awkward. We really ought to tell her how weare situated. It's not fair to the girl.GIU. Then why don't you do it?MAR. I'd rather not—you.GIU. I don't know how to begin. (To Casilda.)Er—Madam—I—we, that is, several of us—CAS. Gentlemen, I am bound to listen to you; but it isright to tell you that, not knowing I was married in infancy, Iam over head and ears in love with somebody else.GIU. Our case exactly! We are over head and ears in lovewith somebody else! (Enter Gianetta and Tessa.) In point offact, with our wives!CAS. Your wives! Then you are married?TESS. It's not our fault.GIA. We knew nothing about it.BOTH. We are sisters in misfortune.CAS. My good girls, I don't blame you. Only before we goany further we must really arrive at some satisfactoryarrangement, or we shall get hopelessly complicated.QUINTET AND FINALE.MARCO, GIUSEPPE, CASILDA, GIANETTA, TESSA.ALL. Here is a case unprecedented!Here are a King and Queen ill-starred!Ever since marriage was first inventedNever was known a case so hard!MAR. and I may be said to have been bisected,GIU. By a profound catastrophe!CAS., GIA., Through a calamity unexpectedTESS. I am divisible into three!ALL. O moralists all,How can you callMarriage a state of unitee,When excellent husbands are bisected,And wives divisible into three?O moralists all,How can you callMarriage a state of union true?CAS., GIA., One-third of myself is married to half ofyeTESS. or you,MAR. and When half of myself has married one-third of yeGIU. or you?(Enter Don Alhambra, followed by Duke, Duchess, and all theChorus.)FINALE.RECITATIVE—DON ALHAMBRA.Now let the loyal lieges gather round—The Prince's foster-mother has been found!She will declare, to silver clarion's sound,The rightful King—let him forthwith be crowned!CHORUS. She will declare, etc.(Don Alhambra brings forward Inez, the Prince's foster-mother.)TESS. Speak, woman, speak—DUKE. We're all attention!GIA. The news we seek-DUCH. This moment mention.CAS. To us they bring—DON AL. His foster-mother.MAR. Is he the King?GIU. Or this my brother?ALL. Speak, woman, speak, etc.RECITATIVE—INEZ.The Royal Prince was by the King entrustedTo my fond care, ere I grew old and crusted;When traitors came to steal his son reputed,My own small boy I deftly substituted!The villains fell into the trap completely—I hid the Prince away—still sleeping sweetly:I called him "son" with pardonable slyness—His name, Luiz! Behold his Royal Highness!(Sensation. Luiz ascends the throne, crowned and robed as King.)CAS. (rushing to his arms). Luiz!LUIZ. Casilda! (Embrace.)ALL. Is this indeed the King?Oh, wondrous revelation!Oh, unexpected thing!Unlooked-for situation!MAR., GIA., This statement we receiveGIU., TESS. With sentiments conflicting;Our hearts rejoice and grieve,Each other contradicting;To those whom we adoreWe can be reunited—On one point rather sore,But, on the whole, delighted!LUIZ. When others claimed thy dainty hand,I waited—waited—waited,DUKE. As prudence (so I understand)Dictated—tated—tated.CAS. By virtue of our early vowRecorded—corded—corded,DUCH. Your pure and patient love is nowRewarded—warded—warded.ALL. Then hail, O King of a Golden Land,And the high-born bride who claims his hand!The past is dead, and you gain your own,A royal crown and a golden throne!(All kneel: Luiz crowns Casilda.)ALL. Once more gondolieri,Both skilful and wary,Free from this quandaryContented are we. Ah!From Royalty flying,Our gondolas plying,And merrily cryingOur "preme," "stali!" Ah!So good-bye, cachucha, fandango, bolero—We'll dance a farewell to that measure—Old Xeres, adieu—Manzanilla—Montero—We leave you with feelings of pleasure!CURTAIN