ORTHE STATUTORY DUEL
By W. S. Gilbert
DRAMATIS PERSONAE.RUDOLPH (Grand Duke of Pfennig Halbpfennig).ERNEST DUMMKOPF (a Theatrical Manager).LUDWIG (his Leading Comedian).DR. TANNHUSER (a Notary).THE PRINCE OF MONTE CARLO.VISCOUNT MENTONE.BEN HASHBAZ (a Costumier).HERALD.——THE PRINCESS OF MONTE CARLO (betrothed to RUDOLPH).THE BARONESS VON KRAKENFELDT (betrothed to RUDOLPH).JULIA JELLICOE (an English Comdienne).LISA (a Soubrette).Members of Ernest Dummkopf's Company:OLGAGRETCHENBERTHAELSAMARTHAChamberlains, Nobles, Actors, Actresses, etc.——ACT I.—Scene. Public Square of Speisesaal.ACT II.—Scene. Hall in the Grand Ducal Palace.Date 1750.First produced at the Savoy Theatre on March 7, 1896.
SCENE.—Market-place of Speisesaal, in the Grand Duchy of PfennigHalbpfennig. A well, with decorated ironwork, up L.C. GRETCHEN,BERTHA, OLGA, MARTHA, and other members of ERNEST DUMMKOPF'Stheatrical company are discovered, seated at several smalltables, enjoying a repast in honour of the nuptials of LUDWIG,his leading comedian, and LISA, his soubrette.CHORUS.Won't it be a pretty wedding?Will not Lisa look delightful?Smiles and tears in plenty shedding—Which in brides of course is rightfulOne could say, if one were spiteful,Contradiction little dreading,Her bouquet is simply frightful—Still, 'twill be a pretty wedding!Oh, it is a pretty wedding!Such a pretty, pretty wedding!ELSA. If her dress is badly fitting,Theirs the fault who made her trousseau.BERTHA. If her gloves are always splitting,Cheap kid gloves, we know, will do so.OLGA. If upon her train she stumbled,On one's train one's always treading.GRET. If her hair is rather tumbled,Still, 'twill be a pretty wedding!CHORUS. Such a pretty, pretty wedding!CHORUS.Here they come, the couple plighted—On life's journey gaily start them.Soon to be for aye united,Till divorce or death shall part them.(LUDWIG and LISA come forward.)DUET—LUDWIG and LISA.LUD. Pretty Lisa, fair and tasty,Tell me now, and tell me truly,Haven't you been rather hasty?Haven't you been rash unduly?Am I quite the dashing sposoThat your fancy could depict you?Perhaps you think I'm only so-so?(She expresses admiration.)Well, I will not contradict you!CHORUS. No, he will not contradict you!LISA. Who am I to raise objection?I'm a child, untaught and homely—When you tell me you're perfection,Tender, truthful, true, and comely—That in quarrel no one's bolder,Though dissensions always grieve you—Why, my love, you're so much olderThat, of course, I must believe you!CHORUS. Yes, of course, she must believe you!CHORUS.If he ever acts unkindly,Shut your eyes and love him blindly—Should he call you names uncomely,Shut your mouth and love him dumbly—Should he rate you, rightly—leftly—Shut your ears and love him deafly.Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!Thus and thus and thus aloneLudwig's wife may hold her own!(LUDWIG and LISA sit at table.)Enter NOTARY TANNHAUSER.NOT. Hallo! Surely I'm not late? (All chatterunintelligibly in reply.)NOT. But, dear me, you're all at breakfast! Has thewedding taken place? (All chatter unintelligibly in reply.)NOT. My good girls, one at a time, I beg. Let meunderstand the situation. As solicitor to the conspiracy todethrone the Grand Duke—a conspiracy in which the members ofthis company are deeply involved—I am invited to the marriage oftwo of its members. I present myself in due course, and I find,not only that the ceremony has taken place—which is not of theleast consequence —but the wedding breakfast is halfeaten—which is a consideration of the most serious importance.(LUDWIG and LISA come down.)LUD. But the ceremony has not taken place. We can't get aparson!NOT. Can't get a parson! Why, how's that? They're threeapenny!LUD. Oh, it's the old story—the Grand Duke!ALL. Ugh!LUD. It seems that the little imp has selected this, ourwedding day, for a convocation of all the clergy in the town tosettle the details of his approaching marriage with theenormously wealthy Baroness von Krakenfeldt, and there won't be aparson to be had for love or money until six o'clock thisevening!LISA. And as we produce our magnificent classical revivalof Troilus and Cressida to-night at seven, we have no alternativebut to eat our wedding breakfast before we've earned it. So sitdown, and make the best of it.GRET. Oh, I should like to pull his Grand Ducal ears forhim, that I should! He's the meanest, the cruellest, the mostspiteful little ape in Christendom!OLGA. Well, we shall soon be freed from his tyranny.To-morrow the Despot is to be dethroned!LUD. Hush, rash girl! You know not what you say.OLGA. Don't be absurd! We're all in it—we're all tiled,here.LUD. That has nothing to do with it. Know ye not that inalluding to our conspiracy without having first given andreceived the secret sign, you are violating a fundamentalprinciple of our Association?SONG—LUDWIG.By the mystic regulationOf our dark Association,Ere you open conversationWith another kindred soul,You must eat a sausage-roll! (Producing one.)ALL. You must eat a sausage-roll!LUD. If, in turn, he eats another,That's a sign that he's a brother—Each may fully trust the other.It is quaint and it is droll,But it's bilious on the whole.ALL. Very bilious on the whole.LUD. It's a greasy kind of pasty,Which, perhaps, a judgement hastyMight consider rather tasty:Once (to speak without disguise)It found favour in our eyes.ALL. It found favour in our eyes.LUD. But when you've been six months feeding(As we have) on this exceedingBilious food, it's no ill-breedingIf at these repulsive piesOur offended gorges rise!ALL. Our offended gorges rise!MARTHA. Oh, bother the secret sign! I've eaten it untilI'm quite uncomfortable! I've given it six times alreadyto-day—and (whimpering) I can't eat any breakfast!BERTHA. And it's so unwholesome. Why, we should all be asyellow as frogs if it wasn't for the make-up!LUD. All this is rank treason to the cause. I suffer asmuch as any of you. I loathe the repulsive thing—I can'tcontemplate it without a shudder—but I'm a conscientiousconspirator, and if you won't give the sign I will. (Eatssausage-roll with an effort.)LISA. Poor martyr! He's always at it, and it's a wonderwhere he puts it!NOT. Well now, about Troilus and Cressida. What do youplay?LUD. (struggling with his feelings). If you'll be soobliging as to wait until I've got rid of this feeling of warmoil at the bottom of my throat, I'll tell you all about it.(LISA gives him some brandy.) Thank you, my love; it's gone.Well, the piece will be produced upon a scale of unexampledmagnificence. It is confidently predicted that my appearance asKing Agamemnon, in a Louis Quatorze wig, will mark an epoch inthe theatrical annals of Pfennig Halbpfennig. I endeavoured topersuade Ernest Dummkopf, our manager, to lend us the classicaldresses for our marriage. Think of the effect of a real Athenianwedding procession cavorting through the streets of Speisesaal!Torches burning—cymbals banging—flutes tootling—citharaetwanging—and a throng of fifty lovely Spartan virgins caperingbefore us, all down the High Street, singing "Eloia! Eloia!Opoponax, Eloia!" It would have been tremendous!NOT. And he declined?LUD. He did, on the prosaic ground that it might rain, andthe ancient Greeks didn't carry umbrellas! If, as is confidentlyexpected, Ernest Dummkopf is elected to succeed the dethronedone, mark any words, he will make a mess of it.[Exit LUDWIG with LISA.OLGA. He's sure to be elected. His entire company haspromised to plump for him on the understanding that all theplaces about the Court are filled by members of his troupe,according to professional precedence.ERNEST enters in great excitement.BERTHA (looking off). Here comes Ernest Dummkopf. Now weshall know all about it!ALL. Well—what's the news? How is the election going?ERN. Oh, it's a certainty—a practical certainty! Two ofthe candidates have been arrested for debt, and the third is ababy in arms—so, if you keep your promises, and vote solid, I'mcocksure of election!OLGA. Trust to us. But you remember the conditions?ERN. Yes—all of you shall be provided for, for life.Every man shall be ennobled—every lady shall have unlimitedcredit at the Court Milliner's, and all salaries shall be paidweekly in advance!GRET. Oh, it's quite clear he knows how to rule a GrandDuchy!ERN. Rule a Grand Duchy? Why, my good girl, for ten yearspast I've ruled a theatrical company! A man who can do that canrule anything!SONG—ERNEST.Were I a king in very truth,And had a son—a guileless youth—In probable succession;To teach him patience, teach him tact,How promptly in a fix to act,He should adopt, in point of fact,A manager's profession.To that condition he should stoop(Despite a too fond mother),With eight or ten "stars" in his troupe,All jealous of each other!Oh, the man who can rule a theatrical crew,Each member a genius (and some of them two),And manage to humour them, little and great,Can govern this tuppenny State!ALL. Oh, the man, etc.Both A and B rehearsal slight—They say they'll be "all right at night"(They've both to go to school yet);C in each act must change her dress,D will attempt to "square the press";E won't play Romeo unlessHis grandmother plays Juliet;F claims all hoydens as her rights(She's played them thirty seasons);And G must show herself in tightsFor two convincing reasons—Two very well-shaped reasons!Oh, the man who can drive a theatrical team,With wheelers and leaders in order supreme,Can govern and rule, with a wave of his fin,All Europe—with Ireland thrown in!ALL. Oh, the man, etc.[Exeunt all but ERNEST.ERN. Elected by my fellow-conspirators to be Grand Duke ofPfennig Halbpfennig as soon as the contemptible little occupantof the historical throne is deposed—here is promotion indeed!Why, instead of playing Troilus of Troy for a month, I shall playGrand Duke of Pfennig Halbpfennig for a lifetime! Yet, am Ihappy? No—far from happy! The lovely English comdienne—thebeautiful Julia, whose dramatic ability is so overwhelming thatour audiences forgive even her strong English accent—that rareand radiant being treats my respectful advances with disdainunutterable! And yet, who knows? She is haughty and ambitious,and it may be that the splendid change in my fortunes may work acorresponding change in her feelings towards me!Enter JULIA JELLICOE.JULIA. Herr Dummkopf, a word with you, if you please.ERN. Beautiful English maiden—JULIA. No compliments, I beg. I desire to speak with youon apurely professional matter, so we will, if you please, dispensewithallusions to my personal appearance, which can only tend to widenthebreach which already exists between us.ERN. (aside). My only hope shattered! The haughtyLondonerstill despises me! (Aloud.) It shall be as you will.JULIA. I understand that the conspiracy in which we areallconcerned is to develop to-morrow, and that the company is likelyto elect you to the throne on the understanding that the postsabout the Court are to be filled by members of your theatricaltroupe, according to their professional importance.ERN. That is so.JULIA. Then all I can say is that it places me in anextremely awkward position.ERN. (very depressed). I don't see how it concerns you.JULIA. Why, bless my heart, don't you see that, as yourleading lady, I am bound under a serious penalty to play theleading part in all your productions?ERN. Well?JULIA. Why, of course, the leading part in this productionwill be the Grand Duchess!ERN. My wife?JULIA. That is another way of expressing the same idea.ERN. (aside—delighted). I scarcely dared even to hopeforthis!JULIA. Of course, as your leading lady, you'll be meanenough to hold me to the terms of my agreement. Oh, that's solike a man! Well, I suppose there's no help for it—I shall haveto do it!ERN. (aside). She's mine! (Aloud.) But—do you reallythink you would care to play that part? (Taking her hand.)JULIA (withdrawing it). Care to play it? Certainlynot—but what am I to do? Business is business, and I am boundby the terms of my agreement.ERN. It's for a long run, mind—a run that may last many,many years—no understudy—and once embarked upon there's nothrowing it up.JULIA. Oh, we're used to these long runs in England: theyare the curse of the stage—but, you see, I've no option.ERN. You think the part of Grand Duchess will be goodenough for you?JULIA. Oh, I think so. It's a very good part inGerolstein, and oughtn't to be a bad one in Pfennig Halbpfennig.Why, what did you suppose I was going to play?ERN. (keeping up a show of reluctance) But, consideringyour strong personal dislike to me and your persistent rejectionof my repeated offers, won't you find it difficult to throwyourself into the part with all the impassioned enthusiasm thatthe character seems to demand? Remember, it's a stronglyemotional part, involving long and repeated scenes of rapture,tenderness, adoration, devotion—all in luxuriant excess, and allof the most demonstrative description.JULIA. My good sir, throughout my career I have made it arule never to allow private feeling to interfere with myprofessional duties. You may be quite sure that (howeverdistasteful the part may be) if I undertake it, I shall considermyself professionally bound to throw myself into it with all theardour at my command.ERN. (aside—with effusion). I'm the happiest fellowalive!(Aloud.) Now—would you have any objection—to—to give me someidea—if it's only a mere sketch—as to how you would play it?It would be really interesting—to me—to know your conceptionof—of—the part of my wife.JULIA. How would I play it? Now, let me see—let me see.(Considering.) Ah, I have it!BALLAD—JULIA.How would I play this part—The Grand Duke's Bride?All rancour in my heartI'd duly hide—I'd drive it from my recollectionAnd 'whelm you with a mock affection,Well calculated to defy detection—That's how I'd play this part—The Grand Duke's Bride.With many a winsome smileI'd witch and woo;With gay and girlish guileI'd frenzy you—I'd madden you with my caressing,Like turtle, her first love confessing—That it was "mock", no mortal would beguessing,With so much winsome wileI'd witch and woo!Did any other maidWith you succeed,I'd pinch the forward jade—I would indeed!With jealous frenzy agitated(Which would, of course, be simulated),I'd make her wish she'd never been created—Did any other maidWith you succeed!And should there come to me,Some summers hence,In all the childish gleeOf innocence,Fair babes, aglow with beauty vernal,My heart would bound with joy diurnal!This sweet display of sympathy maternal,Well, that would also beA mere pretence!My histrionic artThough you deride,That's how I'd play that part—The Grand Duke's Bride!ENSEMBLE.ERNEST. JULIA.Oh joy! when two glowing young My boy, when twoglowinghearts, young heartsFrom the rise of the curtain, From the rise of thecurtain,Thus throw themselves into their Thus throw themselvesintotheir parts, parts,Success is most certain! Success is mostcertain!If the role you're prepared to endow The role I'm preparedtoendowWith such delicate touches, With most delicatetouch-es,By the heaven above us, I vow By the heaven above us,IvowYou shall be my Grand Duchess! I will be your GrandDuchess!
(Dance.)Enter all the Chorus with LUDWIG, NOTARY,and LISA—all greatly agitated.EXCITED CHORUS.My goodness me! What shall we do? Why, what a dreadfulsituation!(To LUD.) It's all your fault, you booby you—you lump ofindiscrimination!I'm sure I don't know where to go—it's put me into such atetter—But this at all events I know—the sooner we are off, thebetter!ERN. What means this agitato? What d'ye seek?As your Grand Duke elect I bid you speak!SONG—LUDWIG.Ten minutes since I met a chapWho bowed an easy salutation—Thinks I, "This gentleman, mayhap,Belongs to our Association."But, on the whole,Uncertain yet,A sausage-rollI took and eat—That chap replied (I don't embellish)By eating three with obvious relish.CHORUS (angrily). Why, gracious powers,No chum of oursCould eat three sausage-rolls with relish!LUD. Quite reassured, I let him knowOur plot—each incident explaining;That stranger chuckled much, as thoughHe thought me highly entertaining.I told him all,Both bad and good;I bade him call—He said he would:I added much—the more I muckled,The more that chuckling chummy chuckled!ALL (angrily). A bat could seeHe couldn't beA chum of ours if he chuckled!LUD. Well, as I bowed to his applause,Down dropped he with hysteric bellow—And that seemed right enough, becauseI am a devilish funny fellow.Then suddenly,As still he squealed,It flashed on meThat I'd revealedOur plot, with all details effective,To Grand Duke Rudolph's own detective!ALL. What folly fell,To go and tellOur plot to any one's detective!CHORUS.(Attacking LUDWIG.) You booby dense—You oaf immense,With no pretenceTo common sense!A stupid muffWho's made of stuffNot worth a puffOf candle-snuff!Pack up at once and off we go, unless we're anxious to exhibitOur fairy forms all in a row, strung up upon the Castle gibbet![Exeunt Chorus. Manent LUDWIG, LISA,ERNEST, JULIA, and NOTARY.JULIA. Well, a nice mess you've got us into! There's anend of our precious plot! All up—pop—fizzle—bang—done for!LUD. Yes, but—ha! ha!—fancy my choosing the Grand Duke'sprivate detective, of all men, to make a confidant of! When youcome to think of it, it's really devilish funny!ERN. (angrily). When you come to think of it, it'sextremely injudicious to admit into a conspiracy everypudding-headed baboon who presents himself!LUD. Yes—I should never do that. If I were chairman ofthis gang, I should hesitate to enrol any baboon who couldn'tproduce satisfactory credentials from his last ZoologicalGardens.LISA. Ludwig is far from being a baboon. Poor boy, hecould not help giving us away—it's his trusting nature—he wasdeceived.JULIA (furiously). His trusting nature! (To LUDWIG.) Oh,I should like to talk to you in my own language for fiveminutes—only five minutes! I know some good, strong, energeticEnglish remarks that would shrivel your trusting nature intoraisins—only you wouldn't understand them!LUD. Here we perceive one of the disadvantages of aneglected education!ERN. (to JULIA). And I suppose you'll never be my GrandDuchess now!JULIA. Grand Duchess? My good friend, if you don'tproducethe piece how can I play the part?ERN. True. (To LUDWIG.) You see what you've done.LUD. But, my dear sir, you don't seem to understand thatthe man ate three sausage-rolls. Keep that fact steadily beforeyou. Three large sausage-rolls.JULIA. Bah!—Lots of people eat sausage-rolls who are notconspirators.LUD. Then they shouldn't. It's bad form. It's not thegame. When one of the Human Family proposes to eat asausage-roll, it is his duty to ask himself, "Am I aconspirator?" And if, on examination, he finds that he is not aconspirator, he is bound in honour to select some other form ofrefreshment.LISA. Of course he is. One should always play the game.(To NOTARY, who has been smiling placidly through this.) Whatare you grinning at, you greedy old man?NOT. Nothing—don't mind me. It is always amusing to thelegal mind to see a parcel of laymen bothering themselves about amatter which to a trained lawyer presents no difficulty whatever.ALL. No difficulty!NOT. None whatever! The way out of it is quite simple.ALL. Simple?NOT. Certainly! Now attend. In the first place, you twomen fight a Statutory Duel.ERN. A Statutory Duel?JULIA. A Stat-tat-tatutory Duel! Ach! what a crack-jawlanguage this German is!LUD. Never heard of such a thing.NOT. It is true that the practice has fallen into abeyancethrough disuse. But all the laws of Pfennig Halbpfennig run fora hundred years, when they die a natural death, unless, in themeantime, they have been revived for another century. The Actthat institutes the Statutory Duel was passed a hundred yearsago, and as it has never been revived, it expires to-morrow. Soyou're just in time.JULIA. But what is the use of talking to us aboutStatutoryDuels when we none of us know what a Statutory Duel is?NOT. Don't you? Then I'll explain.SONG—NOTARY.About a century since,The code of the duelloTo sudden deathFor want of breathSent many a strapping fellow.The then presiding Prince(Who useless bloodshed hated),He passed an Act,Short and compact,Which may be briefly stated.Unlike the complicated lawsA Parliamentary draftsman draws,It may be briefly stated.ALL. We know that complicated laws,Such as a legal draftsman draws,Cannot be briefly stated.NOT. By this ingenious law,If any two shall quarrel,They may not fightWith falchions bright(Which seemed to him immoral);But each a card shall draw,And he who draws the lowestShall (so 'twas said)Be thenceforth dead—In fact, a legal "ghoest"(When exigence of rhyme compels,Orthography forgoes her spells,And "ghost" is written "ghoest").ALL (aside) With what an emphasis he dwellsUpon "orthography" and "spells"!That kind of fun's the lowest.NOT. When off the loser's popped(By pleasing legal fiction),And friend and foeHave wept their woeIn counterfeit affliction,The winner must adoptThe loser's poor relations—Discharge his debts,Pay all his bets,And take his obligations.In short, to briefly sum the case,The winner takes the loser's place,With all its obligations.ALL. How neatly lawyers state a case!The winner takes the loser's place,With all its obligations!LUD. I see. The man who draws the lowest card—NOT. Dies, ipso facto, a social death. He loses all hiscivil rights—his identity disappears—the Revising Barristerexpunges his name from the list of voters, and the winner takeshis place, whatever it may be, discharges all his functions, andadopts all his responsibilities.ERN. This is all very well, as far as it goes, but it onlyprotects one of us. What's to become of the survivor?LUD. Yes, that's an interesting point, because I might bethe survivor.NOT. The survivor goes at once to the Grand Duke, and, inaburst of remorse, denounces the dead man as the moving spirit ofthe plot. He is accepted as King's evidence, and, as a matter ofcourse, receives a free pardon. To-morrow, when the law expires,the dead man will, ipso facto, come to life again—the RevisingBarrister will restore his name to the list of voters, and hewill resume all his obligations as though nothing unusual hadhappened.JULIA. When he will be at once arrested, tried, andexecuted on the evidence of the informer! Candidly, my friend, Idon't think much of your plot!NOT. Dear, dear, dear, the ignorance of the laity! Mygoodyoung lady, it is a beautiful maxim of our glorious Constitutionthat a man can only die once. Death expunges crime, and when hecomes to life again, it will be with a clean slate.ERN. It's really very ingenious.LUD. (to NOTARY). My dear sir, we owe you our lives!LISA (aside to LUDWIG). May I kiss him?LUD. Certainly not: you're a big girl now. (To ERNEST.)Well, miscreant, are you prepared to meet me on the field ofhonour?ERN. At once. By Jove, what a couple of fire-eaters weare!LISA. Ludwig doesn't know what fear is.LUD. Oh, I don't mind this sort of duel!ERN. It's not like a duel with swords. I hate a duel withswords. It's not the blade I mind—it's the blood.LUD. And I hate a duel with pistols. It's not the ball Imind—it's the bang.NOT. Altogether it is a great improvement on the oldmethodof giving satisfaction.QUINTET.LUDWIG, LISA, NOTARY, ERNEST, JULIA.Strange the views some people hold!Two young fellows quarrel—Then they fight, for both are bold—Rage of both is uncontrolled—Both are stretched out, stark and cold!Prithee, where's the moral?Ding dong! Ding dong!There's an end to further action,And this barbarous transactionIs described as "satisfaction"!Ha! ha! ha! ha! satisfaction!Ding dong! Ding dong!Each is laid in churchyard mould—Strange the views some people hold!Better than the method old,Which was coarse and cruel,Is the plan that we've extolled.Sing thy virtues manifold(Better than refined gold),Statutory Duel!Sing song! Sing song!Sword or pistol neither uses—Playing card he lightly chooses,And the loser simply loses!Ha! ha! ha! ha! simply loses.Sing song! Sing song!Some prefer the churchyard mould!Strange the views some people hold!NOT. (offering a card to ERNEST).Now take a card and gaily singHow little you care for Fortune's rubs—ERN. (drawing a card).Hurrah, hurrah!—I've drawn a King:ALL. He's drawn a King!He's drawn a King!Sing Hearts and Diamonds, Spades and Clubs!ALL (dancing). He's drawn a King!How strange a thing!An excellent card—his chance it aids—Sing Hearts and Diamonds, Spades and Clubs—Sing Diamonds, Hearts and Clubs and Spades!NOT. (to LUDWIG).Now take a card with heart of grace—(Whatever our fate, let's play our parts).LUD. (drawing card).Hurrah, hurrah!—I've drawn an Ace!ALL. He's drawn an Ace!He's drawn an Ace!Sing Clubs and Diamonds, Spades and Hearts!ALL (dancing).He's drawn an Ace!Observe his face—Such very good fortune falls to few—Sing Clubs and Diamonds, Spades and Hearts—Sing Clubs, Spades, Hearts and Diamonds too!NOT. That both these maids may keep their troth,And never misfortune them befall,I'll hold 'em as trustee for both—ALL. He'll hold 'em both!He'll hold 'em both!Sing Hearts, Clubs, Diamonds, Spades and all!ALL (dancing). By joint decreeAs {our/your} trusteeThis Notary {we/you} will now instal—In custody let him keep {their/our} hearts,Sing Hearts, Clubs, Diamonds, Spades and all![Dance and exeunt LUDWIG, ERNEST, andNOTARY with the two Girls.March. Enter the seven Chamberlains of theGRAND DUKE RUDOLPH.CHORUS OF CHAMBERLAINS.The good Grand Duke of Pfennig Halbpfennig,Though, in his own opinion, very very big,In point of fact he's nothing but a miserable prigIs the good Grand Duke of Pfennig Halbpfennig!Though quite contemptible, as every one agrees,We must dissemble if we want our bread and cheese,So hail him in a chorus, with enthusiasm big,The good Grand Duke of Pfennig Halbpfennig!Enter the GRAND DUKE RUDOLPH. He is meanly and miserably dressedin old and patched clothes, but blazes with a profusion oforders and decorations. He is very weak and ill, from lowliving.SONG—RUDOLPH.A pattern to professors of monarchical autonomy,I don't indulge in levity or compromising bonhomie,But dignified formality, consistent with economy,Above all other virtues I particularly prize.I never join in merriment—I don't see joke or jape any—I never tolerate familiarity in shape any—This, joined with an extravagant respect fortuppence-ha'penny,A keynote to my character sufficiently supplies.(Speaking.) Observe. (To Chamberlains.) My snuff-box!(The snuff-box is passed with much ceremony from the JuniorChamberlain, through all the others, until it is presentedby the Senior Chamberlain to RUDOLPH, who uses it.)That incident a keynote to my character supplies.RUD. I weigh out tea and sugar with precision mathematical—Instead of beer, a penny each—my orders are emphatical—(Extravagance unpardonable, any more than that I call),But, on the other hand, my Ducal dignity to keep—All Courtly ceremonial—to put it comprehensively—I rigidly insist upon (but not, I hope, offensively)Whenever ceremonial can be practised inexpensively—And, when you come to think of it, it's really verycheap!(Speaking.) Observe. (To Chamberlains.) My handkerchief!(Handkerchief is handed by Junior Chamberlain to the next inorder, and so on until it reaches RUDOLPH, who is muchinconvenienced by the delay.)It's sometimes inconvenient, but it's always very cheap!RUD. My Lord Chamberlain, as you are aware, my marriagewith the wealthy Baroness von Krakenfeldt will take placeto-morrow, and you will be good enough to see that the rejoicingsare on a scale of unusual liberality. Pass that on. (Chamberlainwhispers to Vice-Chamberlain, who whispers to the next, and soon.) The sports will begin with a Wedding Breakfast Bee. Theleading pastry-cooks of the town will be invited to compete, andthe winner will not only enjoy the satisfaction of seeing hisbreakfast devoured by the Grand Ducal pair, but he will also beentitled to have the Arms of Pfennig Halbpfennig tattoo'd betweenhis shoulder-blades. The Vice-Chamberlain will see to this. Allthe public fountains of Speisesaal will run with Gingerbierheimand Currantweinmilch at the public expense. The AssistantVice-Chamberlain will see to this. At night, everybody willilluminate; and as I have no desire to tax the public fundsunduly, this will be done at the inhabitants' private expense.The Deputy Assistant Vice-Chamberlain will see to this. All myGrand Ducal subjects will wear new clothes, and the Sub-DeputyAssistant Vice-Chamberlain will collect the usual commission onall sales. Wedding presents (which, on this occasion, should beon a scale of extraordinary magnificence) will be received at thePalace at any hour of the twenty-four, and the TemporarySub-Deputy Assistant Vice-Chamberlain will sit up all night forthis purpose. The entire population will be commanded to enjoythemselves, and with this view the Acting Temporary Sub-DeputyAssistant Vice-Chamberlain will sing comic songs in theMarket-place from noon to nightfall. Finally, we have composed aWedding Anthem, with which the entire population are required toprovide themselves. It can be obtained from our Grand Ducalpublishers at the usual discount price, and all the Chamberlainswill be expected to push the sale. (Chamberlains bow andexeunt). I don't feel at all comfortable. I hope I'm not doinga foolish thing in getting married. After all, it's a poor heartthat never rejoices, and this wedding of mine is the first littletreat I've allowed myself since my christening. Besides,Caroline's income is very considerable, and as her ideas ofeconomy are quite on a par with mine, it ought to turn out well.Bless her tough old heart, she's a mean little darling! Oh, hereshe is, punctual to her appointment!Enter BARONESS VON KRAKENFELDT.BAR. Rudolph! Why, what's the matter?RUD. Why, I'm not quite myself, my pet. I'm a littleworried and upset. I want a tonic. It's the low diet, I think.I am afraid, after all, I shall have to take the bull by thehorns and have an egg with my breakfast.BAR. I shouldn't do anything rash, dear. Begin with ajujube. (Gives him one.)RUD. (about to eat it, but changes his mind). I'll keep itfor supper. (He sits by her and tries to put his arm round herwaist.)BAR. Rudolph, don't! What in the world are you thinkingof?RUD. I was thinking of embracing you, my sugarplum. Justas a little cheap treat.BAR. What, here? In public? Really, you appear to havenosense of delicacy.RUD. No sense of delicacy, Bon-bon!BAR. No. I can't make you out. When you courted me, allyour courting was done publicly in the Marketplace. When youproposed to me, you proposed in the Market-place. And now thatwe're engaged you seem to desire that our first tte-occur in the Marketplace! Surely you've a room in yourPalace—with blinds—that would do?RUD. But, my own, I can't help myself. I'm bound by myowndecree.BAR. Your own decree?RUD. Yes. You see, all the houses that give on theMarket-place belong to me, but the drains (which date back to thereign of Charlemagne) want attending to, and the houses wouldn'tlet—so, with a view to increasing the value of the property, Idecreed that all love-episodes between affectionate couplesshould take place, in public, on this spot, every Monday,Wednesday, and Friday, when the band doesn't play.BAR. Bless me, what a happy idea! So moral too! And haveyou found it answer?RUD. Answer? The rents have gone up fifty per cent, andthe sale of opera-glasses (which is a Grand Ducal monopoly) hasreceived an extraordinary stimulus! So, under the circumstances,would you allow me to put my arm round your waist? As a sourceof income. Just once!BAR. But it's so very embarrassing. Think of theopera-glasses!RUD. My good girl, that's just what I am thinking of.Hangit all, we must give them something for their money! What'sthat?BAR. (unfolding paper, which contains a large letter,whichshe hands to him). It's a letter which your detective asked meto hand to you. I wrapped it up in yesterday's paper to keep itclean.RUD. Oh, it's only his report! That'll keep. But, I say,you've never been and bought a newspaper?BAR. My dear Rudolph, do you think I'm mad? It camewrapped round my breakfast.RUD. (relieved). I thought you were not the sort of girltogo and buy a newspaper! Well, as we've got it, we may as wellread it. What does it say?BAR. Why—dear me—here's your biography! "Our DetestedDespot!"RUD. Yes—I fancy that refers to me.BAR. And it says—Oh, it can't be!RUD. What can't be?BAR. Why, it says that although you're going to marry meto-morrow, you were betrothed in infancy to the Princess of MonteCarlo!RUD. Oh yes—that's quite right. Didn't I mention it?BAR. Mention it! You never said a word about it!RUD. Well, it doesn't matter, because, you see, it'spractically off.BAR. Practically off?RUD. Yes. By the terms of the contract the betrothal isvoid unless the Princess marries before she is of age. Now, herfather, the Prince, is stony-broke, and hasn't left his house foryears for fear of arrest. Over and over again he has implored meto come to him to be married-but in vain. Over and over again hehas implored me to advance him the money to enable the Princessto come to me—but in vain. I am very young, but not as young asthat; and as the Princess comes of age at two tomorrow, why attwo to-morrow I'm a free man, so I appointed that hour for ourwedding, as I shall like to have as much marriage as I can getfor my money.BAR. I see. Of course, if the married state is a happystate, it's a pity to waste any of it.RUD. Why, every hour we delayed I should lose a lot of youand you'd lose a lot of me!BAR. My thoughtful darling! Oh, Rudolph, we ought to bevery happy!RUD. If I'm not, it'll be my first bad investment. Still,there is such a thing as a slump even in Matrimonials.BAR. I often picture us in the long, cold, dark Decemberevenings, sitting close to each other and singing impassionedduets to keep us warm, and thinking of all the lovely things wecould afford to buy if we chose, and, at the same time, planningout our lives in a spirit of the most rigid and exacting economy!RUD. It's a most beautiful and touching picture ofconnubial bliss in its highest and most rarefied development!DUET—BARONESS and RUDOLPH.BAR. As o'er our penny roll we sing,It is not reprehensiveTo think what joys our wealth would bringWere we disposed to do the thingUpon a scale extensive.There's rich mock-turtle—thick and clear—RUD. (confidentially). Perhaps we'll have it once a year!BAR. (delighted). You are an open-handed dear!RUD. Though, mind you, it's expensive.BAR. No doubt it is expensive.BOTH. How fleeting are the glutton's joys!With fish and fowl he lightly toys,RUD. And pays for such expensive tricksSometimes as much as two-and-six!BAR. As two-and-six?RUD. As two-and-six—BOTH. Sometimes as much as two-and-six!BAR. It gives him no advantage, mind—For you and he have only dined,And you remain when once it's downA better man by half-a-crown.RUD. By half-a-crown?BAR. By half-a-crown.BOTH. Yes, two-and-six is half-a-crown.Then let us be modestly merry,And rejoice with a derry down derry.For to laugh and to singNo extravagance bring—It's a joy economical, very!BAR. Although as you're of course aware(I never tried to hide it)I moisten my insipid fareWith water—which I can't abear—RUD. Nor I—I can't abide it.BAR. This pleasing fact our souls will cheer,With fifty thousand pounds a yearWe could indulge in table beer!RUD. Get out!BAR. We could—I've tried it!RUD. Yes, yes, of course you've tried it!BOTH. Oh, he who has an income clearOf fifty thousand pounds a year—BAR. Can purchase all his fancy lovesConspicuous hats—RUD. Two shilling gloves—BAR. (doubtfully). Two-shilling gloves?RUD. (positively). Two-shilling gloves—BOTH. Yes, think of that, two-shilling gloves!BAR. Cheap shoes and ties of gaudy hue,And Waterbury watches, too—And think that he could buy the lotWere he a donkey—RUD. Which he's not!BAR. Oh no, he's not!RUD. Oh no, he's not!BOTH (dancing).That kind of donkey he is not!Then let us be modestly merry,And rejoice with a derry down derry.For to laugh and to singIs a rational thing-It's a joy economical, very![ExitBARONESS.RUD. Oh, now for my detective's report. (Opens letter.)What's this! Another conspiracy! A conspiracy to depose me!And my private detective was so convulsed with laughter at thenotion of a conspirator selecting him for a confidant that he wasphysically unable to arrest the malefactor! Why, it'll comeoff! This comes of engaging a detective with a keen sense of theridiculous! For the future I'll employ none but Scotchmen. Andthe plot is to explode to-morrow! My wedding day! Oh,Caroline, Caroline! (Weeps.) This is perfectly frightful!What's to be done? I don't know! I ought to keep cool andthink, but you can't think when your veins are full of hotsoda-water, and your brain's fizzing like a firework, and allyour faculties are jumbled in a perfect whirlpool oftumblication! And I'm going to be ill! I know I am! I've beenliving too low, and I'm going to be very ill indeed!SONG—RUDOLPH.When you find you're a broken-down critter,Who is all of a trimmle and twitter,With your palate unpleasantly bitter,As if you'd just eaten a pill—When your legs are as thin as dividers,And you're plagued with unruly insiders,And your spine is all creepy with spiders,And you're highly gamboge in the gill—When you've got a beehive in your head,And a sewing machine in each ear,And you feel that you've eaten your bed,And you've got a bad headache down here—When such facts are about,And these symptoms you findIn your body or crown—Well, you'd better look out,You may make up your mindYou had better lie down!When your lips are all smeary—like tallow,And your tongue is decidedly yallow,With a pint of warm oil in your swallow,And a pound of tin-tacks in your chest—When you're down in the mouth with the vapours,And all over your Morris wall-papersBlack-beetles are cutting their capers,And crawly things never at rest—When you doubt if your head is your own,And you jump when an open door slams—Then you've got to a state which is knownTo the medical world as "jim-jams"If such symptoms you findIn your body or head,They're not easy to quell—You may make up your mindYou are better in bed,For you're not at all well!(Sinks exhausted and weeping at foot of well.)Enter LUDWIG.LUD. Now for my confession and full pardon. They told methe Grand Duke was dancing duets in the Market-place, but I don'tsee him. (Sees RUDOLPH.) Hallo! Who's this? (Aside.) Why, itis the Grand Duke!RUD. (sobbing). Who are you, sir, who presume to addressme in person? If you've anything to communicate, you must flingyourself at the feet of my Acting Temporary Sub-Deputy AssistantVice-Chamberlain, who will fling himself at the feet of hisimmediate superior, and so on, with successive foot-flingingsthrough the various grades—your communication will, in course oftime, come to my august knowledge.LUD. But when I inform your Highness that in me you seethemost unhappy, the most unfortunate, the most completely miserableman in your whole dominion—RUD. (still sobbing). You the most miserable man in mywhole dominion? How can you have the face to stand there and saysuch a thing? Why, look at me! Look at me! (Bursts intotears.)LUD. Well, I wouldn't be a cry-baby.RUD. A cry-baby? If you had just been told that you weregoing to be deposed to-morrow, and perhaps blown up with dynamitefor all I know, wouldn't you be a cry-baby? I do declare if Icould only hit upon some cheap and painless method of putting anend to an existence which has become insupportable, I wouldunhesitatingly adopt it!LUD. You would? (Aside.) I see a magnificent way out ofthis! By Jupiter, I'll try it! (Aloud.) Are you, by anychance, in earnest?RUD. In earnest? Why, look at me!LUD. If you are really in earnest—if you really desire toescape scot-free from this impending—this unspeakably horriblecatastrophe—without trouble, danger, pain, or expense—why notresort to a Statutory Duel?RUD. A Statutory Duel?LUD. Yes. The Act is still in force, but it will expireto-morrow afternoon. You fight—you lose—you are dead for aday. To-morrow, when the Act expires, you will come to lifeagain and resume your Grand Duchy as though nothing had happened.In the meantime, the explosion will have taken place and thesurvivor will have had to bear the brunt of it.RUD. Yes, that's all very well, but who'll be fool enoughto be the survivor?LUD. (kneeling). Actuated by an overwhelming sense ofattachment to your Grand Ducal person, I unhesitatingly offermyself as the victim of your subjects' fury.RUD. You do? Well, really that's very handsome. Idaresaybeing blown up is not nearly as unpleasant as one would think.LUD. Oh, yes it is. It mixes one up, awfully!RUD. But suppose I were to lose?LUD. Oh, that's easily arranged. (Producing cards.) I'llput an Ace up my sleeve—you'll put a King up yours. When thedrawing takes place, I shall seem to draw the higher card and youthe lower. And there you are!RUD. Oh, but that's cheating.LUD. So it is. I never thought of that. (Going.)RUD. (hastily). Not that I mind. But I say—you won'ttake an unfair advantage of your day of office? You won't gotipping people, or squandering my little savings in fireworks, orany nonsense of that sort?LUD. I am hurt—really hurt—by the suggestion.RUD. You—you wouldn't like to put down a deposit,perhaps?LUD. No. I don't think I should like to put down adeposit.RUD. Or give a guarantee?LUD. A guarantee would be equally open to objection.RUD. It would be more regular. Very well, I suppose youmust have your own way.LUD. Good. I say—we must have a devil of a quarrel!RUD. Oh, a devil of a quarrel!LUD. Just to give colour to the thing. Shall I give you asound thrashing before all the people? Say the word—it's notrouble.RUD. No, I think not, though it would be very convincingand it's extremely good and thoughtful of you to suggest it.Still, a devil of a quarrel!LUD. Oh, a devil of a quarrel!RUD. No half measures. Big words—strong language—ruderemarks. Oh, a devil of a quarrel!LUD. Now the question is, how shall we summon the people?RUD. Oh, there's no difficulty about that. Bless yourheart, they've been staring at us through those windows for thelast half-hour!FINALE.RUD. Come hither, all you people—When you hear the fearful news,All the pretty women weep'll,Men will shiver in their shoes.LUD. And they'll all cry "Lord, defend us!"When they learn the fact tremendousThat to give this man his gruelIn a Statutory Duel—BOTH. This plebeian man of shoddy—This contemptible nobody—Your Grand Duke does not refuse!(During this, Chorus of men and women have entered, all tremblingwith apprehension under the impression that they are to bearrested for their complicity in the conspiracy.)CHORUS.With faltering feet,And our muscles in a quiver,Our fate we meetWith our feelings all unstrung!If our plot completeHe has managed to diskiver,There is no retreat—We shall certainly be hung!RUD. (aside to LUDWIG).Now you begin and pitch it strong—walk into me abusively—LUD. (aside to RUDOLPH).I've several epithets that I've reserved for youexclusively.A choice selection I have here when you are ready to begin.RUD. Now you beginLUD. No, you begin—RUD. No, you begin—LUD. No, you begin!CHORUS (trembling).Has it happed as we expected?Is our little plot detected?DUET—RUDOLPH and LUDWIGRUD. (furiously).Big bombs, small bombs, great guns and little ones!Put him in a pillory!Rack him with artillery!LUD. (furiously).Long swords, short swords, tough swords and brittle ones!Fright him into fits!Blow him into bits!RUD. You muff, sir!LUD. You lout, sir!RUD. Enough, sir!LUD. Get out, sir! (Pushes him.)RUD. A hit, sir?LUD. Take that, sir! (Slaps him.)RUD. It's tit, sir,LUD. For tat, sir!CHORUS (appalled).When two doughty heroes thunder,All the world is lost in wonder;When such men their temper lose,Awful are the words they use!LUD. Tall snobs, small snobs, rich snobs and needy ones!RUD. (jostling him). Whom are you alluding to?LUD. (jostling him). Where are you intruding to?RUD. Fat snobs, thin snobs, swell snobs and seedy ones!LUD. I rather think you err.To whom do you refer?RUD. To you, sir!LUD. To me, sir?RUD. I do, sir!LUD. We'll see, sir!RUD. I jeer, sir!(Makes a face at LUDWIG.) Grimace, sir!LUD. Look here, sir—(Makes a face at RUDOLPH.) A face, sir!CHORUS (appalled).When two heroes, once pacific,Quarrel, the effect's terrific!What a horrible grimace!What a paralysing face!ALL. Big bombs, small bombs, etc.LUD. and RUD. (recit.).He has insulted me, and, in a breath,This day we fight a duel to the death!NOT. (checking them).You mean, of course, by duel (verbum sat.),A Statutory Duel.ALL. Why, what's that?NOT. According to established legal uses,A card apiece each bold disputant chooses—Dead as a doornail is the dog who loses—The winner steps into the dead man's shoeses!ALL. The winner steps into the dead man's shoeses!RUD. and Lud. Agreed! Agreed!RUD. Come, come—the pack!LUD. (producing one). Behold it here!RUD. I'm on the rack!LUD. I quake with fear!(NOTARY offers card to LUDWIG.)LUD. First draw to you!RUD. If that's the case,Behold the King! (Drawing card from his sleeve.)LUD. (same business). Behold the Ace!CHORUS. Hurrah, hurrah! Our Ludwig's wonAnd wicked Rudolph's course is run—So Ludwig will as Grand Duke reignTill Rudolph comes to life again—RUD. Which will occur to-morrow!I come to life to-morrow!GRET. (with mocking curtsey).My Lord Grand Duke, farewell!A pleasant journey, very,To your convenient cellIn yonder cemetery!LISA (curtseying).Though malcontents abuse you,We're much distressed to lose you!You were, when you were living,So liberal, so forgiving!BERTHA. So merciful, so gentle!So highly ormamental!OLGA. And now that you've departed,You leave us broken-hearted!ALL (pretending to weep). Yes, truly, truly, truly, truly—Truly broken-hearted!Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! (Mocking him.)RUD. (furious). Rapscallions, in penitential fires,You'll rue the ribaldry that from you falls!To-morrow afternoon the law expires.And then—look out for squalls![Exit RUDOLPH, amid generalridicule.CHORUS. Give thanks, give thanks to wayward fate—By mystic fortune's sway,Our Ludwig guides the helm of StateFor one delightful day!(To LUDWIG.) We hail you, sir!We greet you, sir!Regale you, sir!We treat you, sir!Our ruler beBy fate's decreeFor one delightful day!NOT. You've done it neatly! Pity that your powersAre limited to four-and-twenty hours!LUD. No matter, though the time will quickly run,In hours twenty-four much may be done!SONG—LUDWIG.Oh, a Monarch who boasts intellectual gracesCan do, if he likes, a good deal in a day—He can put all his friends in conspicuous places,With plenty to eat and with nothing to pay!You'll tell me, no doubt, with unpleasant grimaces,To-morrow, deprived of your ribbons and laces,You'll get your dismissal—with very long faces—But wait! on that topic I've something to say!(Dancing.) I've something to say—I've something tosay—I've something to say!Oh, our rule shall be merry—I'm not an ascetic—And while the sun shines we will get up our hay—By a pushing young Monarch, of turn energetic,A very great deal may be done in a day!CHORUS. Oh, his rule will be merry, etc.(During this, LUDWIG whispers to NOTARY, who writes.)For instance, this measure (his ancestor drew it),(alluding to NOTARY)This law against duels—to-morrow will die—The Duke will revive, and you'll certainly rue it—He'll give you "what for" and he'll let you know why!But in twenty-four hours there's time to renew it—With a century's life I've the right to imbue it—It's easy to do—and, by Jingo, I'll do it!(Signing paper, which NOTARY presents.)It's done! Till I perish your Monarch am I!Your Monarch am I—your Monarch am I—your Monarch am I!Though I do not pretend to be very prophetic,I fancy I know what you're going to say—By a pushing young Monarch, of turn energetic,A very great deal may be done in a day!ALL (astonished).Oh, it's simply uncanny, his power prophetic—It's perfectly right—we were going to say,By a pushing, etc.Enter JULIA, at back.LUD. (recit.). This very afternoon—at two (about)—The Court appointments will be given out.To each and all (for that was the condition)According to professional position!ALL. Hurrah!JULIA (coming forward). According to professional position?LUD. According to professional position!JULIA Then, horror!ALL. Why, what's the matter? What's the matter? What's thematter?SONG—JULIA. (LISA clinging to her.)Ah, pity me, my comrades true,Who love, as well I know you do,This gentle child,To me so fondly dear!ALL. Why, what's the matter?JULIA Our sister love so true and deepFrom many an eye unused to weepHath oft beguiledThe coy reluctant tear!ALL. Why, what's the matter?JULIA Each sympathetic heart 'twill bruiseWhen you have heard the frightful news(O will it not?)That I must now impart!ALL. Why, what's the matter?JULIA. Her love for him is all in all!Ah, cursed fate! that it should fallUnto my lotTo break my darling's heart!ALL. Why, what's the matter?LUD. What means our Julia by those fateful looks?Please do not keep us all on tenter-hooks-Now, what's the matter?JULIA. Our duty, if we're wise,We never shun.This Spartan rule appliesTo every one.In theatres, as in life,Each has her line—This part—the Grand Duke's wife(Oh agony!) is mine!A maxim new I do not start—The canons of dramatic artDecree that this repulsive part(The Grand Duke's wife)Is mine!ALL. Oh, that's the matter!LISA (appalled, to LUDWIG). Can that be so?LUD. I do not know—But time will showIf that be so.CHORUS. Can that be so? etc.LISA (recit.). Be merciful!DUET—LISA and JULIA.LISA. Oh, listen to me, dear—I love him only, darling!Remember, oh, my pet,On him my heart is setThis kindness do me, dear-Nor leave me lonely, darling!Be merciful, my pet,Our love do not forget!JULIA. Now don't be foolish, dear—You couldn't play it, darling!It's "leading business", petAnd you're but a soubrette.So don't be mulish, dear-Although I say it, darling,It's not your line, my pet—I play that part, you bet!I play that part—I play that part, you bet!(LISA overwhelmed with grief.)NOT. The lady's right. Though Julia's engagementWas for the stage meant—It certainly frees Ludwig from hisConnubial promise.Though marriage contracts—or whate'er you call 'em—Are very solemn,Dramatic contracts (which you all adore so)Are even more so!ALL. That's very true!Though marriage contracts, etc.SONG—LISA.The die is cast,My hope has perished!Farewell, O Past,Too bright to last,Yet fondly cherished!My light has fled,My hope is dead,Its doom is spoken—My day is night,My wrong is rightIn all men's sight—My heart is broken![Exitweeping.LUD. (recit.). Poor child, where will she go? What will shedo?JULIA. That isn't in your part, you know.LUD. (sighing). Quite true!(With an effort.) Depressing topics we'll not touch upon—Let us begin as we are going on!For this will be a jolly Court, for little and for big!ALL. Sing hey, the jolly jinks of Pfennig Halbpfennig!LUD. From morn to night our lives shall be as merry as a grig!ALL. Sing hey, the jolly jinks of Pfennig Halbpfennig!LUD. All state and ceremony we'll eternally abolish—We don't mean to insist upon unnecessary polish—And, on the whole, I rather think you'll find our ruletollolish!ALL. Sing hey, the jolly jinks of Pfennig Halbpfennig!JULIA. But stay—your new-made CourtWithout a courtly coat is—We shall requireSome Court attire,And at a moment's notice.In clothes of common sortYour courtiers must not grovel—Your new noblesseMust have a dressOriginal and novel!LUD. Old Athens we'll exhume!The necessary dresses,Correct and trueAnd all brand-new,The company possesses:Henceforth our Court costumeShall live in song and story,For we'll upraiseThe dead old daysOf Athens in her glory!ALL. Yes, let's upraiseThe dead old daysOf Athens in her glory!ALL. Agreed! Agreed!For this will be a jolly Court for little and for big! etc(They carry LUDWIG round stage and deposit him on the ironwork ofwell. JULIA stands by him, and the rest group round them.)END OF ACT I.