(THE NEXT MORNING.)SCENE.—Entrance Hall of the Grand Ducal Palace.Enter a procession of the members of the theatrical company (nowdressed in the costumes of Troilus and Cressida), carryinggarlands, playing on pipes, citharae, and cymbals, andheralding the return of LUDWIG and JULIA from the marriageceremony, which has just taken place.CHORUS.As before you we defile,Eloia! Eloia!Pray you, gentles, do not smileIf we shout, in classic style,Eloia!Ludwig and his Julia trueWedded are each other to—So we sing, till all is blue,Eloia! Eloia!Opoponax! Eloia!Wreaths of bay and ivy twine,Eloia! Eloia!Fill the bowl with Lesbian wine,And to revelry incline—Eloia!For as gaily we pass onProbably we shall, anon,Sing a Diergeticon—Eloia! Eloia!Opoponax! Eloia!RECIT.—LUDWIG.Your loyalty our Ducal heartstrings touches:Allow me to present your new Grand Duchess.Should she offend, you'll graciously excuse her—And kindly recollect I didn't choose her!SONG—LUDWIG.At the outset I may mention it's my sovereign intentionTo revive the classic memories of Athens at its best,For the company possesses all the necessary dressesAnd a course of quiet cramming will supply us with therest.We've a choir hyporchematic (that is, ballet-operatic)Who respond to the choreut of that cultivated age,And our clever chorus-master, all but captious criticasterWould accept as the choregus of the early Attic stage.This return to classic ages is considered in their wages,Which are always calculated by the day or by the week—And I'll pay 'em (if they'll back me) all in oboloi and drachm,Which they'll get (if they prefer it) at the Kalends thatare Greek!(Confidentially to audience.)At this juncture I may mentionThat this erudition shamIs but classical pretension,The result of steady "cram.":Periphrastic methods spurning,To this audience discerningI admit this show of learningIs the fruit of steady "cram."!CHORUS. Periphrastic methods, etc.In the period Socratic every dining-room was Attic(Which suggests an architecture of a topsy-turvy kind),There they'd satisfy their thirst on a recherche cold {Greekword}Which is what they called their lunch—and so may you ifyou're inclined.As they gradually got on, they'd {four Greek words)(Which is Attic for a steady and a conscientious drink).But they mixed their wine with water—which I'm sure they didn'toughter—And we modern Saxons know a trick worth two of that, Ithink!Then came rather risky dances (under certain circumstances)Which would shock that worthy gentleman, the Licenser ofPlays,Corybantian maniac kick—Dionysiac or Bacchic—And the Dithyrambic revels of those undecorous days.(Confidentially to audience.)And perhaps I'd better mention,Lest alarming you I am,That it isn't our intentionTo perform a Dithyramb—It displays a lot of stocking,Which is always very shocking,And of course I'm only mockingAt the prevalence of "cram"!CHORUS. It displays a lot, etc.Yes, on reconsideration, there are customs of that nationWhich are not in strict accordance with the habits of ourday,And when I come to codify, their rules I mean to modify,Or Mrs. Grundy, p'r'aps, may have a word or two to say.For they hadn't macintoshes or umbrellas or goloshes—And a shower with their dresses must have played the verydeuce,And it must have been unpleasing when they caught a fit ofsneezing,For, it seems, of pocket-handkerchiefs they didn't know theuse.They wore little underclothing—scarcely anything—or nothing—And their dress of Coan silk was quite transparent indesign—Well, in fact, in summer weather, something like the "altogether"And it's there, I rather fancy, I shall have to draw theline!(Confidentially to audience.)And again I wish to mentionThat this erudition shamIs but classical pretension,The result of steady "cram."Yet my classic lore aggressive(If you'll pardon the possessive)Is exceedingly impressiveWhen you're passing an exam.CHORUS. Yet his classic lore, etc.[Exeunt Chorus. Manent LUDWIG, JULIA, and LISA.LUD. (recit.).Yes, Ludwig and his Julia are mated!For when an obscure comedian, whom the law backs,To sovereign rank is promptly elevated,He takes it with its incidental drawbacks!So Julia and I are duly mated!(LISA, through this, has expressed intense distress athaving to surrender LUDWIG.)SONG—LISA.Take care of him—he's much too good to live,With him you must be very gentle:Poor fellow, he's so highly sensitive,And O, so sentimental!Be sure you never let him sit up lateIn chilly open air conversing—Poor darling, he's extremely delicate,And wants a deal of nursing!LUD. I want a deal of nursing!LISA. And O, remember this—When he is cross with pain,A flower and a kiss—A simple flower—a tender kissWill bring him round again!His moods you must assiduously watch:When he succumbs to sorrow tragic,Some hardbake or a bit of butter-scotchWill work on him like magic.To contradict a character so richIn trusting love were simple blindness—He's one of those exalted natures whichWill only yield to kindness!LUD. I only yield to kindness!LISA. And O, the bygone bliss!And O, the present pain!That flower and that kiss—That simple flower—that tender kissI ne'er shall give again![Exit,weeping.JULIA. And now that everybody has gone, and we're happilyand comfortably married, I want to have a few words with mynew-born husband.LUD. (aside). Yes, I expect you'll often have a few wordswith your new-born husband! (Aloud.) Well, what is it?JULIA. Why, I've been thinking that as you and I have toplay our parts for life, it is most essential that we should cometo a definite understanding as to how they shall be rendered.Now, I've been considering how I can make the most of the GrandDuchess.LUD. Have you? Well, if you'll take my advice, you'llmakea very fine part of it.JULIA. Why, that's quite my idea.LUD. I shouldn't make it one of your hoity-toity vixenishviragoes.JULIA. You think not?LUD. Oh, I'm quite clear about that. I should make her atender, gentle, submissive, affectionate (but not tooaffectionate) child-wife—timidly anxious to coil herself intoher husband's heart, but kept in check by an awestruck reverencefor his exalted intellectual qualities and his majestic personalappearance.JULIA. Oh, that is your idea of a good part?LUD. Yes—a wife who regards her husband's slightest wishas an inflexible law, and who ventures but rarely into his augustpresence, unless (which would happen seldom) he should summon herto appear before him. A crushed, despairing violet, whoseblighted existence would culminate (all too soon) in a lonely andpathetic death-scene! A fine part, my dear.JULIA. Yes. There's a good deal to be said for your viewof it. Now there are some actresses whom it would fit like aglove.LUD. (aside). I wish I'd married one of 'em!JULIA. But, you see, I must consider my temperament. Forinstance, my temperament would demand some strong scenes ofjustifiable jealousy.LUD. Oh, there's no difficulty about that. You shall havethem.JULIA. With a lovely but detested rival—LUD. Oh, I'll provide the rival.JULIA. Whom I should stab—stab—stab!LUD. Oh, I wouldn't stab her. It's been done to death. Ishould treat her with a silent and contemptuous disdain, anddelicately withdraw from a position which, to one of yoursensitive nature, would be absolutely untenable. Dear me, I cansee you delicately withdrawing, up centre and off!JULIA. Can you?LUD. Yes. It's a fine situation—and in your hands, fullof quiet pathos!DUET—LUDWIG and JULIA.LUD. Now Julia, come,Consider it fromThis dainty point of view—A timid tenderFeminine gender,Prompt to coyly coo—Yet silence seeking,Seldom speakingTill she's spoken to—A comfy, cosy,Rosy-posyInnocent ingenoo!The part you're suited to—(To give the deuce her due)A sweet (O, jiminy!)Miminy-piminy,Innocent ingenoo!ENSEMBLE.LUD. JULIA.The part you're suited to— I'm much obliged to you,(To give the deuce her due) I don't think that would do—A sweet (O, jiminy!) To play (O, jiminy!)Miminy-piminy, Miminy-piminy,Innocent ingenoo! Innocent ingenoo!JULIA. You forget my special magic(In a high dramatic sense)Lies in situations tragic—Undeniably intense.As I've justified promotionIn the histrionic art,I'll submit to you my notionOf a first-rate part.LUD. Well, let us see your notionOf a first-rate part.JULIA (dramatically).I have a rival! Frenzy-thrilled,I find you both together!My heart stands still—with horror chilled—-Hard as the millstone nether!Then softly, slyly, snaily, snaky—Crawly, creepy, quaily, quaky—I track her on her homeward way,As panther tracks her fated prey!(Furiously.) I fly at her soft white throat—The lily-white laughing leman!On her agonized gaze I gloatWith the glee of a dancing demon!My rival she—I have no doubt of her—-So I hold on—till the breath is out of her!—till the breath is out of her!And then—Remorse! Remorse!O cold unpleasant corse,Avaunt! Avaunt!That lifeless formI gaze upon—That face, still warmBut weirdly wan—Those eyes of glassI contemplate—And then, alas!Too late—too late!I find she is—your Aunt!(Shuddering.) Remorse! Remorse!Then, mad—mad—mad!With fancies wild—chimerical—Now sorrowful—silent—sad—Now hullaballoo hysterical!Ha! ha! ha! ha!But whether I'm sad or whether I'm glad,Mad! mad! mad! mad!This calls for the resources of a high-class art,And satisfies my notion of a first-rate part!
[Exit JULIAEnter all the Chorus, hurriedly, and in great excitement.CHORUS.Your Highness, there's a party at the door—Your Highness, at the door there is a party—She says that we expect her,But we do not recollect her,For we never saw her countenance before!With rage and indignation she is rife,Because our welcome wasn't very hearty—She's as sulky as a super,And she's swearing like a trooper,O, you never heard such language in your life!Enter BARONESS VON KRAKENFELDT, in a fury.BAR. With fury indescribable I burn!With rage I'm nearly ready to explode!There'll be grief and tribulation when I learnTo whom this slight unbearable is owed!For whatever may be due I'll pay it double—There'll be terror indescribable and trouble!With a hurly-burly and a hubble-bubbleI'll pay you for this pretty episode!ALL. Oh, whatever may be due she'll pay it double!—It's very good of her to take the trouble—But we don't know what she means by "hubble-bubble"—No doubt it's an expression la mode.BAR. (to LUDWIG).Do you know who I am?LUD. (examining her). I don't;Your countenance I can't fix, my dear.BAR. This proves I'm not a sham.(Showing pocket-handkerchief.)LUD. (examining it). It won't;It only says "Krakenfeldt, Six," my dear.BAR. Express your grief profound!LUD. I shan't!This tone I never allow, my love.BAR. Rudolph at once produce!LUD. I can't;He isn't at home just now, my love.BAR. (astonished). He isn't at home just now!ALL. He isn't at home just now,(Dancing derisively.) He has an appointment particular,very-You'll find him, I think, in the town cemetery;And that's how we come to be making so merry,For he isn't at home just now!BAR. But bless my heart and soul alive, it's impudencepersonified!I've come here to be matrimonially matrimonified!LUD. For any disappointment I am sorry unaffectedly,But yesterday that nobleman expired quite unexpectedly—ALL (sobbing). Tol the riddle lol!Tol the riddle lol!Tol the riddle, lol the riddle, lol lol lay!(Then laughing wildly.) Tol the riddle, lol the riddle, lollollay!BAR. But this is most unexpected. He was well enough at aquarter to twelve yesterday.LUD. Yes. He died at half-past eleven.BAR. Bless me, how very sudden!LUD. It was sudden.BAR. But what in the world am I to do? I was to have beenmarried to him to-day!ALL (singing and dancing).For any disappointment we are sorry unaffectedly,But yesterday that nobleman expired quite unexpectedly—Tol the riddle lol!BAR. Is this Court Mourning or a Fancy Ball?LUD. Well, it's a delicate combination of both effects.Itis intended to express inconsolable grief for the decease of thelate Duke and ebullient joy at the accession of his successor. Iam his successor. Permit me to present you to my Grand Duchess.(Indicating JULIA.)BAR. Your Grand Duchess? Oh, your Highness! (Curtseyingprofoundly.)JULIA (sneering at her). Old frump!BAR. Humph! A recent creation, probably?LUD. We were married only half an hour ago.BAR. Exactly. I thought she seemed new to the position.JULIA. Ma'am, I don't know who you are, but I flattermyself I can do justice to any part on the very shortest notice.BAR. My dear, under the circumstances you are doingadmirably—and you'll improve with practice. It's so difficultto be a lady when one isn't born to it.JULIA (in a rage, to LUDWIG). Am I to stand this? Am Inotto be allowed to pull her to pieces?LUD. (aside to JULIA). No, no—it isn't Greek. Be aviolet, I beg.BAR. And now tell me all about this distressingcircumstance. How did the Grand Duke die?LUD. He perished nobly—in a Statutory Duel.BAR. In a Statutory Duel? But that's only a civildeath!—and the Act expires to-night, and then he will come tolife again!LUD. Well, no. Anxious to inaugurate my reign byconferring some inestimable boon on my people, I signalized thisoccasion by reviving the law for another hundred years.BAR. For another hundred years? Then set the merryjoybells ringing! Let festive epithalamia resound through theseancient halls! Cut the satisfying sandwich—broach theexhilarating Marsala—and let us rejoice to-day, if we neverrejoice again!LUD. But I don't think I quite understand. We havealreadyrejoiced a good deal.BAR. Happy man, you little reck of the extent of the goodthings you are in for. When you killed Rudolph you adopted allhis overwhelming responsibilities. Know then that I, Carolinevon Krakenfeldt, am the most overwhelming of them all!LUD. But stop, stop—I've just been married to somebodyelse!JULIA. Yes, ma'am, to somebody else, ma'am! Do youunderstand, ma'am? To somebody else!BAR. Do keep this young woman quiet; she fidgets me!JULIA. Fidgets you!LUD. (aside to JULIA). Be a violet—a crushed, despairingviolet.JULIA. Do you suppose I intend to give up a magnificentpart without a struggle?LUD. My good girl, she has the law on her side. Let usboth bear this calamity with resignation. If you must struggle,go away and struggle in the seclusion of your chamber.SONG—BARONESS and CHORUS.Now away to the wedding we go,So summon the charioteers—No kind of reluctance they showTo embark on their married careers.Though Julia's emotion may flowFor the rest of her maidenly years,ALL. To the wedding we eagerly go,So summon the charioteers!Now away, etc.(All dance off to wedding except JULIA.)RECIT.—JULIA.So ends my dream—so fades my vision fair!Of hope no gleam—distraction and despair!My cherished dream, the Ducal throne to shareThat aim supreme has vanished into air!SONG—JULIA.Broken every promise plighted—All is darksome—all is dreary.Every new-born hope is blighted!Sad and sorry—weak and wearyDeath the Friend or Death the Foe,Shall I call upon thee? No!I will go on living, thoughSad and sorry—weak and weary!No, no! Let the bygone go by!No good ever came of repining:If to-day there are clouds o'er the sky,To-morrow the sun may be shining!To-morrow, be kind,To-morrow, to me!With loyalty blindI curtsey to thee!To-day is a day of illusion and sorrow,So viva To-morrow, To-morrow, To-morrow!God save you, To-morrow!Your servant, To-morrow!God save you, To-morrow, To-morrow, To-morrow![Exit JULIA.Enter ERNEST.ERN. It's of no use—I can't wait any longer. At any riskI must gratify my urgent desire to know what is going on.(Looking off.) Why, what's that? Surely I see a weddingprocession winding down the hill, dressed in my Troilus andCressida costumes! That's Ludwig's doing! I see how it is—hefound the time hang heavy on his hands, and is amusing himself bygetting married to Lisa. No—it can't be to Lisa, for here sheis!Enter LISA.LISA (not seeing him). I really cannot stand seeing myLudwig married twice in one day to somebody else!ERN. Lisa!(LISA sees him, and stands as if transfixed with horror.).ERN. Come here—don't be a little fool—I want you.(LISA suddenly turns and bolts off.)ERN. Why, what's the matter with the little donkey? Onewould think she saw a ghost! But if he's not marrying Lisa, whomis he marrying? (Suddenly.) Julia! (Much overcome.) I see itall! The scoundrel! He had to adopt all my responsibilities,and he's shabbily taken advantage of the situation to marry thegirl I'm engaged to! But no, it can't be Julia, for here she is!Enter JULIA.JULIA (not seeing him). I've made up my mind. I won'tstand it! I'll send in my notice at once!ERN. Julia! Oh, what a relief!(JULIA gazes at him as if transfixed.)ERN. Then you've not married Ludwig? You are still truetome?(JULIA turns and bolts in grotesque horror. ERNEST follows andstops her.)ERN. Don't run away! Listen to me. Are you all crazy?JULIA (in affected terror). What would you with me,spectre? Oh, ain't his eyes sepulchral! And ain't his voicehollow! What are you doing out of your tomb at this time ofday—apparition?ERN. I do wish I could make you girls understand that I'monly technically dead, and that physically I'm as much alive asever I was in my life!JULIA. Oh, but it's an awful thing to be haunted by atechnical bogy!ERN. You won't be haunted much longer. The law must be onits last legs, and in a few hours I shall come to lifeagain—resume all my social and civil functions, and claim mydarling as my blushing bride!JULIA. Oh—then you haven't heard?ERN. My love, I've heard nothing. How could I? There areno daily papers where I come from.JULIA. Why, Ludwig challenged Rudolph and won, and nowhe'sGrand Duke, and he's revived the law for another century!ERN. What! But you're not serious—you're only joking!JULIA. My good sir, I'm a light-hearted girl, but I don'tchaff bogies.ERN. Well, that's the meanest dodge I ever heard of!JULIA. Shabby trick, I call it.ERN. But you don't mean to say that you're going to cryoff!JULIA. I really can't afford to wait until your time isup.You know, I've always set my face against long engagements.ERN. Then defy the law and marry me now. We will fly toyour native country, and I'll play broken-English in London asyou play broken-German here!JULIA. No. These legal technicalities cannot be defied.Situated as you are, you have no power to make me your wife. Atbest you could only make me your widow.ERN. Then be my widow—my little, dainty, winning, winsomewidow!JULIA. Now what would be the good of that? Why, yougoose,I should marry again within a month!DUET—ERNEST and JULIA.ERN. If the light of love's lingering emberHas faded in gloom,You cannot neglect, O remember,A voice from the tomb!That stern supernatural dictionShould act as a solemn restriction,Although by a mere legal fictionA voice from the tomb!JULIA (in affected terror).I own that that utterance chills me—It withers my bloom!With awful emotion it thrills me—That voice from the tomb!Oh, spectre, won't anything lay thee?Though pained to deny or gainsay thee,In this case I cannot obey thee,Thou voice from the tomb!(Dancing.) So, spectre, appalling,I bid you good-day—Perhaps you'll be callingWhen passing this way.Your bogydom scorning,And all your love-lorning,I bid you good-morning,I bid you good-day.ERN. (furious). My offer recalling,Your words I obey—Your fate is appalling,And full of dismay.To pay for this scorningI give you fair warningI'll haunt you each morning,Each night, and each day!(Repeat Ensemble, and exeunt in opposite directions.)Re-enter the Wedding Procession dancing.CHORUS.Now bridegroom and bride let us toastIn a magnum of merry champagne—Let us make of this moment the most,We may not be so lucky again.So drink to our sovereign hostAnd his highly intelligent reign—His health and his bride's let us toastIn a magnum of merry champagne!SONG—BARONESS with CHORUS.I once gave an evening party(A sandwich and cut-orange ball),But my guests had such appetites heartyThat I couldn't enjoy it, enjoy it at all.I made a heroic endeavourTo look unconcerned, but in vain,And I vow'd that I never—oh neverWould ask anybody again!But there's a distinction decided—-A difference truly immense—When the wine that you drink is provided, provided,At somebody else's expense.So bumpers—aye, ever so many—The cost we may safely ignore!For the wine doesn't cost us a penny,Tho' it's Pommry seventy-four!CHORUS. So bumpers—aye, ever so many—etc.Come, bumpers—aye, ever so many—And then, if you will, many more!This wine doesn't cost us a penny,Tho' it's Pommry, Pommry seventy-four!Old wine is a true panaceaFor ev'ry conceivable ill,When you cherish the soothing ideaThat somebody else pays the bill!Old wine is a pleasure that's hollowWhen at your own table you sit,For you're thinking each mouthful you swallowHas cost you, has cost you a threepenny-bit!So bumpers—aye, ever so many—And then, if you will, many more!This wine doesn't cost us a penny,Tho' it's Pommry seventy-four!CHORUS. So, bumpers—aye, ever so many—etc.(March heard.)LUD. (recit.). Why, who is this approaching,Upon our joy encroaching?Some rascal come a-poachingWho's heard that wine we're broaching?ALL. Who may this be?Who may this be?Who is he? Who is he? Who is he?Enter HERALD.HER. The Prince of Monte Carlo,From Mediterranean water,Has come here to bestowOn you his beautiful daughter.They've paid off all they owe,As every statesman oughter—That Prince of Monte CarloAnd his be-eautiful daughter!CHORUS. The Prince of Monte Carlo, etc.HER. The Prince of Monte Carlo,Who is so very partickler,Has heard that you're alsoFor ceremony a stickler—Therefore he lets you knowBy word of mouth auric'lar—(That Prince of Monte CarloWho is so very particklar)—CHORUS. The Prince of Monte Carlo, etc.HER. That Prince of Monte Carlo,From Mediterranean water,Has come here to bestowOn you his be-eautiful daughter!LUD. (recit.). His Highness we know not—nor the localityIn which is situate his Principality;But, as he guesses by some odd fatality,This is the shop for cut and dried formality!Let him appear—He'll find that we'reRemarkable for cut and dried formality.(Reprise of March. Exit HERALD.LUDWIG beckons his Court.)LUD. I have a plan—I'll tell you all the plot of it—He wants formality—he shall have a lot of it!(Whispers to them, through symphony.)Conceal yourselves, and when I give the cue,Spring out on him—you all know what to do!(All conceal themselves behind the draperies that enclose thestage.)Pompous March. Enter the PRINCE and PRINCESS OF MONTE CARLO,attended by six theatrical-looking nobles and the CourtCostumier.DUET—Prince and PRINCESS.PRINCE. We're rigged out in magnificent array(Our own clothes are much gloomier)In costumes which we've hired by the dayFrom a very well-known costumier.COST. (bowing). I am the well-known costumier.PRINCESS. With a brilliant staff a Prince should make a show(It's a rule that never varies),So we've engaged from the Theatre MonacoSix supernumeraries.NOBLES. We're the supernumeraries.ALL. At a salary immense,Quite regardless of expense,Six supernumeraries!PRINCE. They do not speak, for they break our grammar's laws,And their language is lamentable—And they never take off their gloves, becauseTheir nails are not presentable.NOBLES. Our nails are not presentable!PRINCESS. To account for their shortcomings manifestWe explain, in a whisper bated,They are wealthy members of the brewing interestTo the Peerage elevated.NOBLES. To the Peerage elevated.ALL. They're/We're very, very rich,And accordingly, as sich,To the Peerage elevated.PRINCE. Well, my dear, here we are at last—just in timetocompel Duke Rudolph to fulfil the terms of his marriage contract.Another hour and we should have been too late.PRINCESS. Yes, papa, and if you hadn't fortunatelydiscovered a means of making an income by honest industry, weshould never have got here at all.PRINCE. Very true. Confined for the last two years withinthe precincts of my palace by an obdurate bootmaker who held awarrant for my arrest, I devoted my enforced leisure to a studyof the doctrine of chances—mainly with the view of ascertainingwhether there was the remotest chance of my ever going out for awalk again—and this led to the discovery of a singularlyfascinating little round game which I have called Roulette, andby which, in one sitting, I won no less than five thousandfrancs! My first act was to pay my bootmaker—my second, toengage a good useful working set of second-hand nobles—and mythird, to hurry you off to Pfennig Halbpfennig as fast as a trainde luxe could carry us!PRINCESS. Yes, and a pretty job-lot of second-hand noblesyou've scraped together!PRINCE (doubtfully). Pretty, you think? Humph! I don'tknow. I should say tol-lol, my love—only tol-lol. They are notwholly satisfactory. There is a certain air of unreality aboutthem—they are not convincing.COST. But, my goot friend, vhat can you expect foreighteenpence a day!PRINCE. Now take this Peer, for instance. What the deucedo you call him?COST. Him? Oh, he's a swell—he's the Duke of Riviera.PRINCE. Oh, he's a Duke, is he? Well, that's no reasonwhyhe should look so confoundedly haughty. (To Noble.) Be affable,sir! (Noble takes attitude of affability.) That's better.(Passing to another.) Now, who's this with his moustache comingoff?COST. Vhy; you're Viscount Mentone, ain't you?NOBLE. Blest if I know. (Turning up sword-belt.) It'swrote here—yes, Viscount Mentone.COST. Then vhy don't you say so? 'Old yerself up—youain't carryin' sandwich boards now. (Adjusts his moustache.)PRINCE. Now, once for all, you Peers—when His Highnessarrives, don't stand like sticks, but appear to take anintelligent and sympathetic interest in what is going on. Youneedn't say anything, but let your gestures be in accordance withthe spirit of the conversation. Now take the word from me.Affability! (attitude). Submission! (attitude). Surprise!(attitude). Shame! (attitude). Grief! (attitude). Joy!(attitude). That's better! You can do it if you like!PRINCESS. But, papa, where in the world is the Court?There is positively no one here to receive us! I can't helpfeeling that Rudolph wants to get out of it because I'm poor.He's a miserly little wretch—that's what he is.PRINCE. Well, I shouldn't go so far as to say that. Ishould rather describe him as an enthusiastic collector ofcoins—of the realm—and we must not be too hard upon anumismatist if he feels a certain disinclination to part withsome of his really very valuable specimens. It's a pretty hobby:I've often thought I should like to collect some coins myself.PRINCESS. Papa, I'm sure there's some one behind thatcurtain. I saw it move!PRINCE. Then no doubt they are coming. Now mind, youPeers—haughty affability combined with a sense of what is due toyour exalted ranks, or I'll fine you half a franc each—upon mysoul I will!(Gong. The curtains fly back and the Court are discovered. Theygive a wild yell and rush on to the stage dancing wildly,with PRINCE, PRINCESS, and Nobles, who are taken bysurpriseat first, but eventually join in a reckless dance. At theend all fall down exhausted.)LUD. There, what do you think of that? That's ourofficialceremonial for the reception of visitors of the very highestdistinction.PRINCE (puzzled). It's very quaint—very curious indeed.Prettily footed, too. Prettily footed.LUD. Would you like to see how we say "good-bye" tovisitors of distinction? That ceremony is also performed withthe foot.PRINCE. Really, this tone—ah, but perhaps you have notcompletely grasped the situation?LUD. Not altogether.PRINCE. Ah, then I'll give you a lead over.(Significantly:) I am the father of the Princess of Monte Carlo.Doesn't that convey any idea to the Grand Ducal mind?LUD. (stolidly). Nothing definite.PRINCE (aside). H'm—very odd! Never mind—try again!(Aloud.) This is the daughter of the Prince of Monte Carlo. Doyou take?LUD. (still puzzled). No—not yet. Go on—don't give itup—I dare say it will come presently.PRINCE. Very odd—never mind—try again. (With slysignificance.) Twenty years ago! Little doddle doddle! Twolittle doddle doddles! Happy father—hers and yours. Proudmother—yours and hers! Hah! Now you take? I see you do! Isee you do!LUD. Nothing is more annoying than to feel that you're notequal to the intellectual pressure of the conversation. I wishhe'd say something intelligible.PRINCE. You didn't expect me?LUD. (jumping at it). No, no. I grasp that—thank youverymuch. (Shaking hands with him.) No, I did not expect you!PRINCE. I thought not. But ha! ha! at last I have escapedfrom my enforced restraint. (General movement of alarm.) (Tocrowd who are stealing off.) No, no—you misunderstand me. Imean I've paid my debts!ALL. Oh! (They return.)PRINCESS (affectionately). But, my darling, I'm afraidthateven now you don't quite realize who I am! (Embracing him.)BARONESS. Why, you forward little hussy, how dare you?(Takes her away from LUDWIG.)LUD. You mustn't do that, my dear—never in the presenceofthe Grand Duchess, I beg!PRINCESS (weeping). Oh, papa, he's got a Grand Duchess!LUD. A Grand Duchess! My good girl, I've got three GrandDuchesses!PRINCESS. Well, I'm sure! Papa, let's go away—this isnota respectable Court.PRINCE. All these Grand Dukes have their little fancies,mylove. This potentate appears to be collecting wives. It's apretty hobby—I should like to collect a few myself. This(admiring BARONESS) is a charming specimen—an antique, I shouldsay—of the early Merovingian period, if I'm not mistaken; andhere's another—a Scotch lady, I think (alluding to JULIA), and(alluding to LISA) a little one thrown in. Two half-quarternsand a makeweight! (To LUDWIG.) Have you such a thing as acatalogue of the Museum?PRINCESS. But I cannot permit Rudolph to keep a museum—LUD. Rudolph? Get along with you, I'm not Rudolph!Rudolph died yesterday!PRINCE and PRINCESS. What!LUD. Quite suddenly—of—of—a cardiac affection.PRINCE and PRINCESS. Of a cardiac affection!LUD. Yes, a pack-of-cardiac affection. He fought aStatutory Duel with me and lost, and I took over all hisengagements—including this imperfectly preserved old lady, towhom he has been engaged for the last three weeks.PRINCESS. Three weeks! But I've been engaged to him forthe last twenty years!BARONESS, LISA, and JULIA. Twenty years!PRINCE (aside). It's all right, my love—they can't getover that. (Aloud.) He's yours—take him, and hold him as tightas you can!PRINCESS. My own! (Embracing LUDWIG.)LUD. Here's another!—the fourth in four-and-twenty hours!Would anybody else like to marry me? You, ma'am—oryou—anybody! I'm getting used to it!BARONESS. But let me tell you, ma'am—JULIA. Why, you impudent little hussy—LISA. Oh, here's another—here's another! (Weeping.)PRINCESS. Poor ladies, I'm very sorry for you all; but,yousee, I've a prior claim. Come, away we go—there's not a momentto be lost!CHORUS (as they dance towards exit).Away to the wedding we'll goTo summon the charioteers,No kind of reluctance we showTo embark on our married careers—(At this moment RUDOLPH, ERNEST, and NOTARY appear.All kneel in astonishment.)RECITATIVE.RUD., Ern., and NOT.Forbear! This may not be!Frustrated are your plans!With paramount decreeThe Law forbids the banns!ALL. The Law forbids the banns!LUD. Not a bit of it! I've revived the law for anothercentury!RUD. You didn't revive it! You couldn't revive it!You—you are an impostor, sir—a tuppenny rogue, sir! You—younever were, and in all human probability never will be—GrandDuke of Pfennig Anything!ALL. What!!!RUD. Never—never, never! (Aside.) Oh, my internaleconomy!LUD. That's absurd, you know. I fought the Grand Duke.Hedrew a King, and I drew an Ace. He perished in inconceivableagonies on the spot. Now, as that's settled, we'll go on withthe wedding.RUD. It—it isn't settled. You—you can't. I—I—(toNOTARY). Oh, tell him—tell him! I can't!NOT. Well, the fact is, there's been a little mistakehere.On reference to the Act that regulates Statutory Duels, I find itis expressly laid down that the Ace shall count invariably aslowest!ALL. As lowest!RUD. (breathlessly). As lowest—lowest—lowest! Soyou'rethe ghoest—ghoest—ghoest! (Aside.) Oh, what is the matterwith me inside here!ERN. Well, Julia, as it seems that the law hasn't beenrevived—and as, consequently, I shall come to life in aboutthree minutes—(consulting his watch)—JULIA. My objection falls to the ground. (Resignedly.)Very well!PRINCESS. And am I to understand that I was on the pointofmarrying a dead man without knowing it? (To RUDOLPH, whorevives.) Oh, my love, what a narrow escape I've had!RUD. Oh—you are the Princess of Monte Carlo, and you'veturned up just in time! Well, you're an attractive little girl,you know, but you're as poor as a rat! (They retire uptogether.)LISA. That's all very well, but what is to become of me?(To LUDWIG.) If you're a dead man—(Clock strikes three.)LUD. But I'm not. Time's up—the Act has expired—I'vecometo life—the parson is still in attendance, and we'll all bemarried directly.ALL. Hurrah!FINALE.