Scene.—Palace Yard, Westminster. Westminster Hall, L. Clocktower up, R.C. Private Willis discovered on sentry, R. Moonlight.SONG—PRIVATE WILLIS.When all night long a chap remainsOn sentry-go, to chase monotonyHe exercises of his brains,That is, assuming that he's got any.Though never nurtured in the lapOf luxury, yet I admonish you,I am an intellectual chap,And think of things that would astonish you.I often think it's comical—Fal, lal, la!How Nature always does contrive—Fal, lal, la!That every boy and every galThat's born into the world aliveIs either a little LiberalOr else a little Conservative!Fal, lal, la!When in that House M.P.'s divide,If they've a brain and cerebellum, too,They've got to leave that brain outside,And vote just as their leaders tell 'em to.But then the prospect of a lotOf dull M. P.'s in close proximity,All thinking for themselves, is whatNo man can face with equanimity.Then let's rejoice with loud Fal la—Fal lal la!That Nature always does contrive—Fal lal la!That every boy and every galThat's born into the world aliveIs either a little LiberalOr else a little Conservative!Fal lal la!(Enter Fairies, with Celia, Leila, and Fleta. They trip roundstage.)CHORUS OF FAIRIES.Strephon's a Member of Parliament!Carries every Bill he chooses.To his measures all assent—Showing that fairies have their uses.Whigs and ToriesDim their glories,Giving an ear to all his stories—Lords and Commons are both in the blues!Strephon makes them shake in their shoes!Shake in their shoes!Shake in their shoes!Strephon makes them shake in their shoes!(Enter Peers from Westminster Hall.)CHORUS OF PEERS.Strephon's a Member of Parliament!Running a-muck of all abuses.His unqualified assentSomehow nobody now refuses.Whigs and ToriesDim their glories,Giving an ear to all his storiesCarrying every Bill he may wish:Here's a pretty kettle of fish!Kettle of fish!Kettle of fish!Here's a pretty kettle of fish!(Enter Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller from Westminster Hall.)CELIA. You seem annoyed.LORD MOUNT. Annoyed! I should think so! Why, thisridiculous protege of yours is playing the deuce with everything!To-night is the second reading of his Bill to throw the Peerageopen to Competitive Examination!LORD TOLL. And he'll carry it, too!LORD MOUNT. Carry it? Of course he will! He's aParliamentary Pickford—he carries everything!LEILA. Yes. If you please, that's our fault!LORD MOUNT. The deuce it is!CELIA. Yes; we influence the members, and compel them to votejust as he wishes them to.LEILA. It's our system. It shortens the debates.LORD TOLL. Well, but think what it all means. I don't somuch mind for myself, but with a House of Peers with nograndfathers worth mentioning, the country must go to the dogs!LEILA. I suppose it must!LORD MOUNT. I don't want to say a word against brains—I'vea great respect for brains—I often wish I had some myself—butwith a House of Peers composed exclusively of people of intellect,what's to become of the House of Commons?LEILA. I never thought of that!LORD MOUNT. This comes of women interfering in politics. Itso happens that if there is an institution in Great Britain whichis not susceptible of any improvement at all, it is the House ofPeers!SONG—LORD MOUNTARARAT.When Britain really ruled the waves—(In good Queen Bess's time)The House of Peers made no pretenceTo intellectual eminence,Or scholarship sublime;Yet Britain won her proudest baysIn good Queen Bess's glorious days!CHORUS. Yes, Britain won, etc.When Wellington thrashed Bonaparte,As every child can tell,The House of Peers, throughout the war,Did nothing in particular,And did it very well:Yet Britain set the world ablazeIn good King George's glorious days!CHORUS. Yes, Britain set, etc.And while the House of Peers withholdsIts legislative hand,And noble statesmen do not itchTo interfere with matters whichThey do not understand,As bright will shine Great Britain's raysAs in King George's glorious days!CHORUS. As bright will shine, etc.LEILA. (who has been much attracted by the Peers during thissong). Charming persons, are they not?CELIA. Distinctly. For self-contained dignity, combined withairy condescension, give me a British Representative Peer!LORD TOLL. Then pray stop this protege of yours before it'stoo late. Think of the mischief you're doing!LEILA (crying). But we can't stop him now. (Aside to Celia.)Aren't they lovely! (Aloud.) Oh, why did you go and defy us, yougreat geese!DUET—LEILA and CELIA.LEILA. In vain to us you plead—Don't go!Your prayers we do not heed—Don't go!It's true we sigh,But don't supposeA tearful eyeForgiveness shows.Oh, no!We're very cross indeed—Yes, very cross,Don't go!FAIRIES. It's true we sigh, etc.CELIA. Your disrespectful sneers—Don't go!Call forth indignant tears—Don't go!You break our laws—You are our foe:We cry becauseWe hate you so!You know!You very wicked Peers!You wicked Peers!Don't go!FAIRIES. LORDS MOUNT. and TOLL.You break our laws— Our disrespectful sneers,You are our foe: Ha, ha!We cry because Call forth indignant tears,We hate you so! Ha, ha!You know! If that's the case, my dears—You very wicked Peers! FAIRIES. Don't go!Don't go! PEERS. We'll go!(Exeunt Lord Mountararat, Lord Tolloller, and Peers. Fairies gazewistfully after them.)(Enter Fairy Queen.)QUEEN. Oh, shame—shame upon you! Is this your fidelity tothe laws you are bound to obey? Know ye not that it is death tomarry a mortal?LEILA. Yes, but it's not death to wish to marry a mortal!FLETA. If it were, you'd have to execute us all!QUEEN. Oh, this is weakness! Subdue it!CELIA. We know it's weakness, but the weakness is so strong!LEILA. We are not all as tough as you are!QUEEN. Tough! Do you suppose that I am insensible to theeffect of manly beauty? Look at that man! (Referring to Sentry.)A perfect picture! (To Sentry.) Who are you, sir?WILLIS (coming to "attention"). Private Willis, B Company,1st Grenadier Guards.QUEEN. You're a very fine fellow, sir.WILLIS. I am generally admired.QUEEN. I can quite understand it. (To Fairies.) Now here isa man whose physical attributes are simply godlike. That man hasa most extraordinary effect upon me. If I yielded to a naturalimpulse, I should fall down and worship that man. But I mortifythis inclination; I wrestle with it, and it lies beneath my feet!That is how I treat my regard for that man!SONG—FAIRY QUEEN.Oh, foolish fay,Think you, becauseHis brave arrayMy bosom thaws,I'd disobeyOur fairy laws?Because I flyIn realms above,In tendencyTo fall in love,Resemble IThe amorous dove?(Aside.) Oh, amorous dove!Type of Ovidius Naso!This heart of mineIs soft as thine,Although I dare not say so!CHORUS. Oh, amorous dove, etc.On fire that glowsWith heat intenseI turn the hoseOf common sense,And out it goesAt small expense!We must maintainOur fairy law;That is the mainOn which to draw—In that we gainA Captain Shaw!(Aside.) Oh, Captain Shaw!Type of true love kept under!Could thy BrigadeWith cold cascadeQuench my great love, I wonder!CHORUS. Oh, Captain Shaw! etc.(Exeunt Fairies and Fairy Queen, sorrowfully.)(Enter Phyllis.)PHYL. (half crying). I can't think why I'm not in betterspirits. I'm engaged to two noblemen at once. That ought to beenough to make any girl happy. But I'm miserable! Don't supposeit's because I care for Strephon, for I hate him! No girl couldcare for a man who goes about with a mother considerably youngerthan himself!(Enter Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller.)LORD MOUNT. Phyllis! My darling!LORD TOLL. Phyllis! My own!PHYL. Don't! How dare you? Oh, but perhaps you're the twonoblemen I'm engaged to?LORD MOUNT. I am one of them.LORD TOLL. I am the other.PHYL. Oh, then, my darling! (to Lord Mountararat). My own!(to Lord Tolloller). Well, have you settled which it's to be?LORD TOLL. Not altogether. It's a difficult position. Itwould be hardly delicate to toss up. On the whole we would ratherleave it to you.PHYL. How can it possibly concern me? You are both EarIs,and you are both rich, and you are both plain.LORD MOUNT. So we are. At least I am.LORD TOLL. So am I.LORD MOUNT. No, no!LORD TOLL. I am indeed. Very plain.LORD MOUNT. Well, well—perhaps you are.PHYL. There's really nothing to choose between you. If oneof you would forgo his title, and distribute his estates among hisIrish tenantry, why, then, I should then see a reason for acceptingthe other.LORD MOUNT. Tolloller, are you prepared to make thissacrifice?LORD TOLL. No!LORD MOUNT. Not even to oblige a lady?LORD TOLL. No! not even to oblige a lady.LORD MOUNT. Then, the only question is, which of us shallgive way to the other? Perhaps, on the whole, she would be happierwith me. I don't know. I may be wrong.LORD TOLL. No. I don't know that you are. I really believeshe would. But the awkward part of the thing is that if you rob meof the girl of my heart, we must fight, and one of us must die.It's a family tradition that I have sworn to respect. It's apainful position, for I have a very strong regard for you, George.LORD MOUNT. (much affected). My dear Thomas!LORD TOLL. You are very dear to me, George. We were boystogether—at least I was. If I were to survive you, my existencewould be hopelessly embittered.LORD MOUNT. Then, my dear Thomas, you must not do it. I sayit again and again—if it will have this effect upon you, you mustnot do it. No, no. If one of us is to destroy the other, let itbe me!LORD TOLL. No, no!LORD MOUNT. Ah, yes!—by our boyish friendship I implore you!LORD TOLL. (much moved). Well, well, be it so. But,no—no!—I cannot consent to an act which would crush you withunavaillng remorse.LORD MOUNT. But it would not do so. I should be very sad atfirst—oh, who would not be?—but it would wear off. I like youvery much—but not, perhaps, as much as you like me.LORD TOLL. George, you're a noble fellow, but that tell-taletear betrays you. No, George; you are very fond of me, and Icannot consent to give you a week's uneasiness on my account.LORD MOUNT. But, dear Thomas, it would not last a week!Remember, you lead the House of Lords! On your demise I shall takeyour place! Oh, Thomas, it would not last a day!PHYL. (coming down). Now, I do hope you're not going to fightabout me, because it's really not worth while.LORD TOLL. (looking at her). Well, I don't believe it is!LORD MOUNT. Nor I. The sacred ties of Friendship areparamount.QUARTET—LORD MOUNTARARAT,LORD TOLLOLLER, PHYLLIS, and PRIVATE WILLIS.LORD TOLL. Though p'r'aps I may incur your blame,The things are fewI would not doIn Friendship's name!LORD MOUNT. And I may say I think the same;Not even loveShould rank aboveTrue Friendship's name!PHYL. Then free me, pray; be mine the blame;Forget your crazeAnd go your waysIn Friendship's name!ALL. Oh, many a man, in Friendship's name,Has yielded fortune, rank, and fame!But no one yet, in the world so wide,Has yielded up a promised bride!WILLIS. Accept, O Friendship, all the same,ALL. This sacrifice to thy dear name!(Exeunt Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller, lovingly, in onedirection, and Phyllis in another. Exit Sentry.)(Enter Lord Chancellor, very miserable.)RECITATIVE—LORD CHANCELLOR.Love, unrequited, robs me of my rest:Love, hopeless love, my ardent soul encumbers:Love, nightmare-like, lies heavy on my chest,And weaves itself into my midnight slumbers!SONG—LORD CHANCELLOR.When you're lying awake with a dismal headache, and repose istaboo'd by anxiety,I conceive you may use any language you choose to indulge in,without impropriety;For your brain is on fire—the bedclothes conspire of usualslumber to plunder you:First your counterpane goes, and uncovers your toes, and yoursheet slips demurely from under you;Then the blanketing tickles—you feel like mixed pickles—soterribly sharp is the pricking,And you're hot, and you're cross, and you tumble and toss tillthere's nothing 'twixt you and the ticking.Then the bedclothes all creep to the ground in a heap, and youpick 'em all up in a tangle;Next your pillow resigns and politely declines to remain at itsusual angle!Well, you get some repose in the form of a doze, with hoteye-balls and head ever aching.But your slumbering teems with such horrible dreams that you'dvery much better be waking;For you dream you are crossing the Channel, and tossing about ina steamer from Harwich—Which is something between a large bathing machine and a verysmall second-class carriage—And you're giving a treat (penny ice and cold meat) to a party offriends and relations—They're a ravenous horde—and they all came on board at SloaneSquare and South Kensington Stations.And bound on that journey you find your attorney (who started thatmorning from Devon);He's a bit undersized, and you don't feel surprised when he tellsyou he's only eleven.Well, you're driving like mad with this singular lad (by the by,the ship's now a four-wheeler),And you're playing round games, and he calls you bad names whenyou tell him that "ties pay the dealer";But this you can't stand, so you throw up your hand, and you findyou're as cold as an icicle,In your shirt and your socks (the black silk with gold clocks),crossing Salisbury Plain on a bicycle:And he and the crew are on bicycles too—which they've somehow orother invested in—And he's telling the tars all the particulars of a company he'sinterested in—It's a scheme of devices, to get at low prices all goods fromcough mixtures to cables(Which tickled the sailors), by treating retailers as though theywere all vegetables—You get a good spadesman to plant a small tradesman (first takeoff his boots with a boot-tree),And his legs will take root, and his fingers will shoot, andthey'll blossom and bud like a fruit-tree—From the greengrocer tree you get grapes and green pea,cauliflower, pineapple, and cranberries,While the pastrycook plant cherry brandy will grant, apple puffs,and three corners, and Banburys—The shares are a penny, and ever so many are taken by Rothschildand Baring,And just as a few are allotted to you, you awake with a shudderdespairing—You're a regular wreck, with a crick in your neck, and no wonderyou snore, for your head's on the floor, and you've needles andpins from your soles to your shins, and your flesh is a-creep, foryour left leg's asleep, and you've cramp in your toes, and a fly onyour nose, and some fluff in your lung, and a feverish tongue, anda thirst that's intense, and a general sense that you haven't beensleeping in clover;But the darkness has passed, and it's daylight at last, and thenight has been long—ditto ditto my song—and thank goodnessthey're both of them over!(Lord Chancellor falls exhausted ona seat.)(Enter Lords Mountararat and Tolloller.)LORD MOUNT. I am much distressed to see your Lordship in thiscondition.LORD CH. Ah, my Lords, it is seldom that a Lord Chancellorhas reason to envy the position of another, but I am free toconfess that I would rather be two Earls engaged to Phyllis thanany other half-dozen noblemen upon the face of the globe.LORD TOLL. (without enthusiasm). Yes. It's an enviableposition when you're the only one.LORD MOUNT. Oh yes, no doubt—most enviable. At the sametime, seeing you thus, we naturally say to ourselves, "This is verysad. His Lordship is constitutionally as blithe as a bird—hetrills upon the bench like a thing of song and gladness. Hisseries of judgements in F sharp minor, given andante in six-eighttime, are among the most remarkable effects ever produced in aCourt of Chancery. He is, perhaps, the only living instance of ajudge whose decrees have received the honour of a double encore.How can we bring ourselves to do that which will deprive the Courtof Chancery of one of its most attractive features?"LORD CH. I feel the force of your remarks, but I am here intwo capacities, and they clash, my Lords, they clash! I deeplygrieve to say that in declining to entertain my last application tomyself, I presumed to address myself in terms which render itimpossible for me ever to apply to myself again. It was a mostpainful scene, my Lords—most painful!LORD TOLL. This is what it is to have two capacities! Let usbe thankful that we are persons of no capacity whatever.LORD MOUNT. Come, come. Remember you are a very just andkindly old gentleman, and you need have no hesitation inapproaching yourself, so that you do so respectfully and with aproper show of deference.LORD CH. Do you really think so?LORD MOUNT. I do.LORD CH. Well, I will nerve myself to another effort, and,if that fails, I resign myself to my fate!TRIO—LORD CHANCELLOR, LORDS MOUNTARARAT and TOLLOLLER.LORD MOUNT. If you go inYou're sure to win—Yours will be the charming maidie:Be your lawThe ancient saw,"Faint heart never won fair lady!"ALL. Never, never, never,Faint heart never won fair lady!Every journey has an end—When at the worst affairs will mend—Dark the dawn when day is nigh—Hustle your horse and don't say die!LORD TOLL. He who shiesAt such a prizeIs not worth a maravedi,Be so kindTo bear in mind—Faint heart never won fair lady!ALL. Never, never, never,Faint heart never won fair lady!While the sun shines make your hay—Where a will is, there's a way—Beard the lion in his lair—None but the brave deserve the fair!LORD CH. I'll take heartAnd make a start—Though I fear the prospect's shady—Much I'd spendTo gain my end—Faint heart never won fair lady!ALL. Never, never, never,Faint heart never won fair lady!Nothing venture, nothing win—Blood is thick, but water's thin—In for a penny, in for a pound—It's Love that makes the world go round!(Dance, and exeunt arm-in-armtogether.)(Enter Strephon, in very low spirits.)[The following song was deleted from production]Fold your flapping wings,Soaring legislature.Stoop to little things,Stoop to human nature.Never need to roammembers patriotic.Let's begin at home,Crime is no exotic.Bitter is your baneTerrible your trialsDingy Drury LaneSoapless Seven Dials.Take a tipsy loutGathered from the gutter,Hustle him about,Strap him to a shutter.What am I but he,Washed at hours stated.Fed on filagree,Clothed and educatedHe's a mark of scornI might be anotherIf I had been bornOf a tipsy mother.Take a wretched thief,Through the city sneaking.Pocket handkerchiefEver, ever seeking.What is he but IRobbed of all my chancesPicking pockets byforce of circumstancesI might be as bad,As unlucky, rather,If I'd only had,Fagin for a father.STREPH. I suppose one ought to enjoy oneself in Parliament,when one leads both Parties, as I do! But I'm miserable, poor,broken-hearted fool that I am! Oh Phyllis, Phyllis!—(Enter Phyllis.)PHYL. Yes.STREPH. (surprised). Phyllis! But I suppose I should say "MyLady." I have not yet been informed which title your ladyship haspleased to select?PHYL. I—I haven't quite decided. You see, I have no motherto advise me!STREPH. No. I have.PHYL. Yes; a young mother.STREPH. Not very—a couple of centuries or so.PHYL. Oh! She wears well.STREPH. She does. She's a fairy.PHYL. I beg your pardon—a what?STREPH. Oh, I've no longer any reason to conceal thefact—she's a fairy.PHYL. A fairy! Well, but—that would account for a good manythings! Then—I suppose you're a fairy?STREPH. I'm half a fairy.PHYL. Which half?STREPH. The upper half—down to the waistcoat.PHYL. Dear me! (Prodding him with her fingers.) There isnothing to show it!STREPH. Don't do that.PHYL. But why didn't you tell me this before?STREPH. I thought you would take a dislike to me. But asit's all off, you may as well know the truth—I'm only half amortal!PHYL. (crying). But I'd rather have half a mortal I do love,than half a dozen I don't!STREPH. Oh, I think not—go to your half-dozen.PHYL. (crying). It's only two! and I hate 'em! Pleaseforgive me!STREPH. I don't think I ought to. Besides, all sorts ofdifficulties will arise. You know, my grandmother looks quite asyoung as my mother. So do all my aunts.PHYL. I quite understand. Whenever I see you kissing a veryyoung lady, I shall know it's an elderly relative.STREPH. You will? Then, Phyllis, I think we shall be veryhappy! (Embracing her.)PHYL. We won't wait long.STREPH. No. We might change our minds. We'll get marriedfirst.PHYL. And change our minds afterwards?STREPH. That's the usual course.DUET—STREPHON and PHYLLIS.STREPH. If we're weak enough to tarryEre we marry,You and I,Of the feeling I inspireYou may tireBy and by.For peers with flowing coffersPress their offers—That is whyI am sure we should not tarryEre we marry,You and I!PHYL. If we're weak enough to tarryEre we marry,You and I,With a more attractive maiden,Jewel-laden,You may fly.If by chance we should be parted,Broken-heartedI should die—So I think we will not tarryEre we marry,You and I.PHYL. But does your mother know you're—I mean, is she awareof our engagement?(Enter Iolanthe.)IOL. She is; and thus she welcomes her daughter-in-law!(Kisses her.)PHYL. She kisses just like other people! But the LordChancellor?STREPH. I forgot him! Mother, none can resist your fairyeloquence; you will go to him and plead for us?IOL. (much agitated). No, no; impossible!STREPH. But our happiness—our very lives—depend upon ourobtaining his consent!PHYL. Oh, madam, you cannot refuse to do this!IOL. You know not what you ask! The Lord Chancellor is—myhusband!STREPH. and PHYL. Your husband!IOL. My husband and your father! (Addressing Strephon, whois much moved.)PHYLL. Then our course is plain; on his learning thatStrephon is his son, all objection to our marriage will be at onceremoved!IOL. No; he must never know! He believes me to have diedchildless, and, dearly as I love him, I am bound, under penalty ofdeath, not to undeceive him. But see—he comes! Quick—my veil!(Iolanthe veils herself. Strephon and Phyllis go off on tiptoe.)(Enter Lord Chancellor.)LORD CH. Victory! Victory! Success has crowned my efforts,and I may consider myself engaged to Phyllis! At first I wouldn'thear of it—it was out of the question. But I took heart. Ipointed out to myself that I was no stranger to myself; that, inpoint of fact, I had been personally acquainted with myself forsome years. This had its effect. I admitted that I had watched myprofessional advancement with considerable interest, and Ihandsomely added that I yielded to no one in admiration for myprivate and professional virtues. This was a great point gained.I then endeavoured to work upon my feelings. Conceive my joy whenI distinctly perceived a tear glistening in my own eye!Eventually, after a severe struggle with myself, Ireluctantly—most reluctantly—consented.(Iolanthe comes downveiled.)RECITATIVE—IOLANTHE (kneeling).My lord, a suppliant at your feet I kneel,Oh, listen to a mother's fond appeal!Hear me to-night! I come in urgent need—'Tis for my son, young Strephon, that I plead!BALLAD—IOLANTHE.He loves! If in the bygone yearsThine eyes have ever shedTears—bitter, unavailing tears,For one untimely dead—If, in the eventide of life,Sad thoughts of her arise,Then let the memory of thy wifePlead for my boy—he dies!He dies! If fondly laid asideIn some old cabinet,Memorials of thy long-dead brideLie, dearly treasured yet,Then let her hallowed bridal dress—Her little dainty gloves—Her withered flowers—her faded tress—Plead for my boy—he loves!(The Lord Chancellor is moved by this appeal. After a pause.)LORD CH. It may not be—for so the fates decide!Learn thou that Phyllis is my promised bride.IOL. (in horror). Thy bride! No! no!LORD CH. It shall be so!Those who would separate us woe betide!IOL. My doom thy lips have spoken—I plead in vain!CHORUS OF FAIRIES (without). Forbear! forbear!IOL. A vow already brokenI break again!CHORUS OF FAIRIES (without). Forbear! forbear!IOL. For him—for her—for theeI yield my life.Behold—it may not be!I am thy wife.CHORUS OF FAIRIES (without). Aiaiah! Aiaiah! Willaloo!LORD CH. (recognizing her). Iolanthe! thou livest?IOL. Aye!I live! Now let me die!(Enter Fairy Queen and Fairies. Iolanthe kneels to her.)QUEEN. Once again thy vows are broken:Thou thyself thy doom hast spoken!CHORUS OF FAIRIES. Aiaiah! Aiaiah!Willahalah! Willaloo!Willahalah! Willaloo!QUEEN. Bow thy head to Destiny:Death thy doom, and thou shalt die!CHORUS OF FAIRIES. Aiaiah! Aiaiah! etc.(Peers and Sentry enter. The Queen raises her spear.)LEILA. Hold! If Iolanthe must die, so must we all; for, asshe has sinned, so have we!QUEEN. What?CELIA. We are all fairy duchesses, marchionesses, countesses,viscountesses, and baronesses.LORD MOUNT. It's our fault. They couldn't help themselves.QUEEN. It seems they have helped themselves, and prettyfreely, too! (After a pause.) You have all incurred death; but Ican't slaughter the whole company! And yet (unfolding a scroll)the law is clear—every fairy must die who marries a mortal!LORD CH. Allow me, as an old Equity draftsman, to make asuggestion. The subtleties of the legal mind are equal to theemergency. The thing is really quite simple—the insertion of asingle word will do it. Let it stand that every fairy shall diewho doesn't marry a mortal, and there you are, out of yourdifficulty at once!QUEEN. We like your humour. Very well! (Altering the MS. inpencil.) Private Willis!SENTRY (coming forward). Ma'am!QUEEN. To save my life, it is necessary that I marry at once.How should you like to be a fairy guardsman?SENTRY. Well, ma'am, I don't think much of the Britishsoldier who wouldn't ill-convenience himself to save a female indistress.QUEEN. You are a brave fellow. You're a fairy from thismoment. (Wings spring from Sentry's shoulders.) And you, myLords, how say you, will you join our ranks?(Fairies kneel to Peers and implore them todo so.)(Phyllis and Strephon enter.)LORD MOUNT. (to Lord Tolloller). Well, now that the Peers areto be recruited entirely from persons of intelligence, I reallydon't see what use we are, down here, do you, Tolloller?LORD TOLL. None whatever.QUEEN. Good! (Wings spring from shoulders of Peers.) Thenaway we go to Fairyland.FINALE.PHYL. Soon as we may,Off and away!We'll commence our journey airy—Happy are we—As you can see,Every one is now a fairy!ALL. Every, every, every,Every one is now a fairy!IOL., QUEEN, Though as a general rule we knowand PHYL. Two strings go to every bow,Make up your minds that grief 'twill bringIf you've two beaux to every string.ALL. Though as a general rule, etc.LORDCH. Up in the sky,Ever so high,Pleasures come in endless series;We will arrangeHappy exchange—House of Peers for House of Peris!ALL. Peris, Peris, Peris,House of Peers for House of Peris!LORDS CH., Up in the air, sky-high, sky-high,MOUNT., Free from Wards in Chancery,and TOLL. I/He will be surely happier, forI'm/He's such a susceptible Chancellor.ALL. Up in the air, etc.CURTAIN
ORTHE TOWN OF TITIPUBy William S. GilbertMusic by Sir Arthur Sullivan
DRAMATIS PERSONAE.
THE MIKADO OF JAPAN.NANKI-POO (his Son, disguised as a wandering minstrel, and inlove with Yum-Yum).KO-KO (Lord High Executioner of Titipu).POOH-BAH (Lord High Everything Else).PISH-TISH (a Noble Lord).Three Sisters—Wards of Ko-Ko:YUM-YUMPITTI-SINGPEEP-BOKATISHA (an elderly Lady, in love with Nanki-Poo).Chorus of School-girls, Nobles, Guards, and Coolies.
ACT I.—Courtyard of Ko-Ko's Official Residence.ACT II.— Ko-Ko's GardenFirst produced at the Savoy Theatre on March 14, 1885.
SCENE.—Courtyard of Ko-Ko's Palace in Titipu. Japanese noblesdiscovered standing and sitting in attitudes suggested bynative drawings.CHORUS OF NOBLES.If you want to know who we are,We are gentlemen of Japan:On many a vase and jar—On many a screen and fan,We figure in lively paint:Our attitude's queer and quaint—You're wrong if you think it ain't, oh!If you think we are worked by strings,Like a Japanese marionette,You don't understand these things:It is simply Court etiquette.Perhaps you suppose this throngCan't keep it up all day long?If that's your idea, you're wrong, oh!Enter Nanki-Poo in great excitement. He carries a native guitaron his back and a bundle of ballads in his hand.RECIT.—NANKI-POO.Gentlemen, I pray you tell meWhere a gentle maiden dwelleth,Named Yum-Yum, the ward of Ko-Ko?In pity speak, oh speak I pray you!A NOBLE. Why, who are you who ask this question?NANK. Come gather round me, and I'll tell you.SONG and CHORUS—NANKI-POO.A wandering minstrel I—A thing of shreds and patches,Of ballads, songs and snatches,And dreamy lullaby!My catalogue is long,Through every passion ranging,And to your humours changingI tune my supple song!Are you in sentimental mood?I'll sigh with you,Oh, sorrow, sorrow!On maiden's coldness do you brood?I'll do so, too—Oh, sorrow, sorrow!I'll charm your willing earsWith songs of lovers' fears,While sympathetic tearsMy cheeks bedew—Oh, sorrow, sorrow!But if patriotic sentiment is wanted,I've patriotic ballads cut and dried;For where'er our country's banner may be planted,All other local banners are defied!Our warriors, in serried ranks assembled,Never quail—or they conceal it if they do—And I shouldn't be surprised if nations trembledBefore the mighty troops of Titipu!CHORUS. We shouldn't be surprised, etc.NANK. And if you call for a song of the sea,We'll heave the capstan round,With a yeo heave ho, for the wind is free,Her anchor's a-trip and her helm's a-lee,Hurrah for the homeward bound!CHORUS. Yeo-ho—heave ho—Hurrah for the homeward bound!To lay aloft in a howling breezeMay tickle a landsman's taste,But the happiest hour a sailor seesIs when he's downAt an inland town,With his Nancy on his knees, yeo ho!And his arm around her waist!CHORUS. Then man the capstan—off we go,As the fiddler swings us round,With a yeo heave ho,And a rum below,Hurrah for the homeward bound!A wandering minstrel I, etc.Enter Pish-Tush.PISH. And what may be your business with Yum-Yum?NANK. I'll tell you. A year ago I was a member of theTitipu town band. It was my duty to take the cap round forcontributions. While discharging this delicate office, I sawYum-Yum. We loved each other at once, but she was betrothed toher guardian Ko-Ko, a cheap tailor, and I saw that my suit washopeless. Overwhelmed with despair, I quitted the town. Judgeof my delight when I heard, a month ago, that Ko-Ko had been con-demned to death for flirting! I hurried back at once, in thehope of finding Yum-Yum at liberty to listen to my protestations.PISH. It is true that Ko-Ko was condemned to death forflirting, but he was reprieved at the last moment, and raised tothe exalted rank of Lord High Executioner under the followingremarkable circumstances:SONG—PISH-TUSH and CHORUS.Our great Mikado, virtuous man,When he to rule our land began,Resolved to tryA plan wherebyYoung men might best be steadied.So he decreed, in words succinct,That all who flirted, leered or winked(Unless connubially linked),Should forthwith be beheaded.And I expect you'll all agreeThat he was right to so decree.And I am right,And you are right,And all is right as right can be!CHORUS. And you are right.And we are right, etcThis stem decree, you'll understand,Caused great dismay throughout the land!For young and oldAnd shy and boldWere equally affected.The youth who winked a roving eye,Or breathed a non-connubial sigh,Was thereupon condemned to die—He usually objected.And you'll allow, as I expect,That he was right to so object.And I am right,And you are right,And everything is quite correct!CHORUS. And you are right,And we are right, etc.And so we straight let out on bailA convict from the county jail,Whose head was nextOn some pretextCondemned to be mown off,And made him Headsman, for we said,"Who's next to be decapitedCannot cut off another's headUntil he's cut his own off."And we are right, I think you'll say,To argue in this kind of way;And I am right,And you are right,And all is right—too-looral-lay!CHORUS. And you are right,And we are right, etc.[ExeuntChorus.Enter Pooh-Bah.NANK. Ko-Ko, the cheap tailor, Lord High Executioner ofTitipu! Why, that's the highest rank a citizen can attain!POOH. It is. Our logical Mikado, seeing no moraldifference between the dignified judge who condemns a criminal todie, and the industrious mechanic who carries out the sentence,has rolled the two offices into one, and every judge is now hisown executioner.NANK. But how good of you (for I see that you are anobleman of the highest rank) to condescend to tell all this tome, a mere strolling minstrel!POOH. Don't mention it. I am, in point of fact, aparticularly haughty and exclusive person, of pre-Adamiteancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you thatI can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomicglobule. Consequently, my family pride is somethinginconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering. But Istruggle hard to overcome this defect. I mortify my pridecontinually. When all the great officers of State resigned in abody because they were too proud to serve under an ex-tailor, didI not unhesitatingly accept all their posts at once?PISH. And the salaries attached to them? You did.POOH. It is consequently my degrading duty to serve thisupstart as First Lord of the Treasury, Lord Chief Justice,Commander-in-Chief, Lord High Admiral, Master of the Buckhounds,Groom of the Back Stairs, Archbishop of Titipu, and Lord Mayor,both acting and elect, all rolled into one. And at a salary! APooh-Bah paid for his services! I a salaried minion! But I doit! It revolts me, but I do it!NANK. And it does you credit.POOH. But I don't stop at that. I go and dine withmiddle-class people on reasonable terms. I dance at cheapsuburban parties for a moderate fee. I accept refreshment at anyhands, however lowly. I also retail State secrets at a very lowfigure. For instance, any further information about Yum-Yumwould come under the head of a State secret. (Nanki-Poo takes hishint, and gives him money.) (Aside.) Another insult and, Ithink, a light one!SONG—POOH-BAH with NANKI-POO and PISH-TUSH.Young man, despair,Likewise go to,Yum-Yum the fairYou must not woo.It will not do:I'm sorry for you,You very imperfect ablutioner!This very dayFrom school Yum-YumWill wend her way,And homeward come,With beat of drumAnd a rum-tum-tum,To wed the Lord High executioner!And the brass will crash,And the trumpets bray,And they'll cut a dashOn their wedding day.She'll toddle away, as all aver,With the Lord High Executioner 'NANK. and POOH. And the brass will crash, etc.It's a hopeless case,As you may see,And in your placeAway I'd flee;But don't blame me—I'm sorry to beOf your pleasure a diminutioner.They'll vow their pactExtremely soon,In point of factThis afternoon.Her honeymoonWith that buffoonAt seven commences, so you shun her!ALL. And the brass will crash, etc.[ExitPish-Tush.RECIT.—NANKI-POO and POOH-BAH.NANK. And I have journeyed for a month, or nearly,To learn that Yum-Yum, whom I love so dearly,This day to Ko-Ko is to be united!POOH. The fact appears to be as you've recited:But here he comes, equipped as suits his station;He'll give you any further information.[Exeunt Pooh-Bah andNanki-Poo.Enter Chorus of Nobles.Behold the Lord High ExecutionerA personage of noble rank and title—A dignified and potent officer,Whose functions are particularly vital!Defer, defer,To the Lord High Executioner!Enter Ko-Ko attended.SOLO—KO-KO.Taken from the county jailBy a set of curious chances;Liberated then on bail,On my own recognizances;Wafted by a favouring galeAs one sometimes is in trances,To a height that few can scale,Save by long and weary dances;Surely, never had a maleUnder such like circumstancesSo adventurous a tale,Which may rank with most romances.CHORUS. Defer, defer,To the Lord High Executioner, etc.KO. Gentlemen, I'm much touched by this reception. I canonly trust that by strict attention to duty I shall ensure acontinuance of those favours which it will ever be my study todeserve. If I should ever be called upon to act professionally,I am happy to think that there will be no difficulty in findingplenty of people whose loss will be a distinct gain to society atlarge.SONG—KO-KO with CHORUS OF MEN.As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,I've got a little list—I've got a little listOf society offenders who might well be underground,And who never would be missed—who never would be missed!There's the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs—All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs—All children who are up in dates, and floor you with 'em flat—All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you likethat—And all third persons who on spoiling tte—ttes insist—They'd none of 'em be missed—they'd none of 'em be missed!CHORUS. He's got 'em on the list—he's got 'em on the list;And they'll none of 'em be missed—they'll none of'em be missed.There's the banjo serenader, and the others of his race,And the piano-organist—I've got him on the list!And the people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face,They never would be missed—they never would be missed!Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone,All centuries but this, and every country but his own;And the lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy,And who "doesn't think she waltzes, but would rather like totry";And that singular anomaly, the lady novelist—I don't think she'd be missed—I'm sure she'd not he missed!CHORUS. He's got her on the list—he's got her on the list;And I don't think she'll be missed—I'm sureshe'll not be missed!And that Nisi Prius nuisance, who just now is rather rife,The Judicial humorist—I've got him on the list!All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life—They'd none of 'em be missed—they'd none of 'em be missed.And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind,Such as—What d'ye call him—Thing'em-bob, andlikewise—Never-mind,And 'St—'st—'st—and What's-his-name, and also You-know-who—The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you.But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list,For they'd none of 'em be missed—they'd none of 'em bemissed!CHORUS. You may put 'em on the list—you may put 'em on thelist;And they'll none of 'em be missed—they'll none of'em be missed!Enter Pooh-Bah.KO. Pooh-Bah, it seems that the festivities in connectionwith my approaching marriage must last a week. I should like todo it handsomely, and I want to consult you as to the amount Iought to spend upon them.POOH. Certainly. In which of my capacities? As First Lordof the Treasury, Lord Chamberlain, Attorney General, Chancellorof the Exchequer, Privy Purse, or Private Secretary?KO. Suppose we say as Private Secretary.POOH. Speaking as your Private Secretary, I should saythat, as the city will have to pay for it, don't stint yourself,do it well.KO. Exactly—as the city will have to pay for it. That isyour advice.POOH. As Private Secretary. Of course you will understandthat, as Chancellor of the Exchequer, I am bound to see that dueeconomy is observed.KO. Oh! But you said just now "Don't stint yourself, do itwell".POOH. As Private Secretary.KO. And now you say that due economy must be observed.POOH. As Chancellor of the Exchequer.KO. I see. Come over here, where the Chancellor can't hearus. (They cross the stage.) Now, as my Solicitor, how do youadvise me to deal with this difficulty?POOH. Oh, as your Solicitor, I should have no hesitation insaying "Chance it——"KO. Thank you. (Shaking his hand.) I will.POOH. If it were not that, as Lord Chief Justice, I ambound to see that the law isn't violated.KO. I see. Come over here where the Chief Justice can'thear us. (They cross the stage.) Now, then, as First Lord ofthe Treasury?POOH. Of course, as First Lord of the Treasury, I couldpropose a special vote that would cover all expenses, if it werenot that, as Leader of the Opposition, it would be my duty toresist it, tooth and nail. Or, as Paymaster General, I could socook the accounts that, as Lord High Auditor, I should neverdiscover the fraud. But then, as Archbishop of Titipu, it wouldbe my duty to denounce my dishonesty and give myself into my owncustody as first Commissioner of Police.KO. That's extremely awkward.POOH. I don't say that all these distinguished peoplecouldn't be squared; but it is right to tell you that theywouldn't be sufficiently degraded in their own estimation unlessthey were insulted with a very considerable bribe.KO. The matter shall have my careful consideration. But mybride and her sisters approach, and any little compliment on yourpart, such as an abject grovel in a characteristic Japaneseattitude, would be esteemed a favour.POOH. No money, no grovel![Exeunttogether.Enter procession of Yum-Yum's schoolfellows, heralding Yum-Yum,Peep-Bo, and Pitti-Sing.CHORUS OF GIRLS.Comes a train of little ladiesFrom scholastic trammels free,Each a little bit afraid is,Wondering what the world can be!Is it but a world of trouble—Sadness set to song?Is its beauty but a bubbleBound to break ere long?Are its palaces and pleasuresFantasies that fade?And the glory of its treasuresShadow of a shade?Schoolgirls we, eighteen and under,From scholastic trammels free,And we wonder—how we wonder!—What on earth the world can be!TRIO.YUM-YUM, PEEP-BO, and PITTI-SING, with CHORUS OF GIRLS.THE THREE. Three little maids from school are we,Pert as a school-girl well can be,Filled to the brim with girlish glee,Three little maids from school!YUM-YUM. Everything is a source of fun. (Chuckle.)PEEP-BO. Nobody's safe, for we care for none! (Chuckle.)PITTI-SING. Life is a joke that's just begun! (Chuckle.)THE THREE. Three little maids from school!ALL (dancing). Three little maids who, all unwary,Come from a ladies' seminary,Freed from its genius tutelary—THE THREE (suddenly demure). Three little maids from school!YUM-YUM. One little maid is a bride, Yum-Yum—PEEP-BO. Two little maids in attendance come—PITTI-SING. Three little maids is the total sum.THE THREE. Three little maids from school!YUM-YUM. From three little maids take one away.PEEP-BO. Two little maids remain, and they—PITTI-SING. Won't have to wait very long, they say—THE THREE. Three little maids from school!ALL (dancing). Three little maids who, all unwary,Come from a ladies' seminary,Freed from its genius tutelary—THE THREE (suddenly demure). Three little maids from school!Enter Ko-Ko and Pooh-Bah.KO. At last, my bride that is to be! (About to embraceher.)YUM. You're not going to kiss me before all these people?KO. Well, that was the idea.YUM (aside to Peep-Bo). It seems odd, doesn't it?PEEP. It's rather peculiar.PITTI. Oh, I expect it's all right. Must have a beginning,you know.YUM. Well, of course I know nothing about these things; butI've no objection if it's usual.KO. Oh, it's quite usual, I think. Eh, Lord Chamberlain?(Appealing to Pooh-Bah.)POOH. I have known it done. (Ko-Ko embraces her.)YUM. Thank goodness that's over! (Sees Nanki-Poo, andrushes to him.) Why, that's never you? (The three Girls rush tohim and shake his hands, all speaking at once.)YUM. Oh, I'm so glad! I haven't seen you for ever so long,and I'm right at the top of the school, and I've got threeprizes, and I've come home for good, and I'm not going back anymore!PEEP. And have you got an engagement?—Yum-Yum's got one,but she doesn't like it, and she'd ever so much rather it wasyou! I've come home for good, and I'm not going back any more!PITTI. Now tell us all the news, because you go abouteverywhere, and we've been at school, but, thank goodness, that'sall over now, and we've come home for good, and we're not goingback any more!(These three speeches are spoken together in one breath.)KO. I beg your pardon. Will you present me?YUM. Oh, this is the musician who used—PEEP. Oh, this is the gentleman-who used—PITTI. Oh, it is only Nanki-Poo who used—KO. One at a time, if you please.YUM. Oh, if you please he's the gentleman who used to playso beautifully on the—on the—PITTI. On the Marine Parade.YUM. Yes, I think that was the name of the instrument.NANK. Sir, I have the misfortune to love your ward,Yum-Yum—oh, I know I deserve your anger!KO. Anger! not a bit, my boy. Why, I love her myself.Charming little girl, isn't she? Pretty eyes, nice hair. Takinglittle thing, altogether. Very glad to hear my opinion backed bya competent authority. Thank you very much. Good-bye. (ToPish-Tush.) Take him away. (Pish-Tush removes him.)PITTI (who has been examining Pooh-Bah). I beg your pardon,but what is this? Customer come to try on?KO. That is a Tremendous Swell.PITTI. Oh, it's alive. (She starts back in alarm.)POOH. Go away, little girls. Can't talk to little girlslike you. Go away, there's dears.KO. Allow me to present you, Pooh-Bah. These are my threewards. The one in the middle is my bride elect.POOH. What do you want me to do to them? Mind, I will notkiss them.KO. No, no, you shan't kiss them; a little bow—a merenothing—you needn't mean it, you know.POOH. It goes against the grain. They are not youngladies, they are young persons.KO. Come, come, make an effort, there's a good nobleman.POOH. (aside to Ko-Ko). Well, I shan't mean it. (with agreat effort.) How de do, little girls, how de do? (Aside.)Oh, my protoplasmal ancestor!KO. That's very good. (Girls indulge in suppressedlaughter.)POOH. I see nothing to laugh at. It is very painful to meto have to say "How de do, little girls, how de do?" to youngpersons. I'm not in the habit of saying "How de do, littlegirls, how de do?" to anybody under the rank of a Stockbroker.KO. (aside to girls). Don't laugh at him, he can't helpit—he's under treatment for it. (Aside to Pooh-Bah.) Never mindthem, they don't understand the delicacy of your position.POOH. We know how delicate it is, don't we?KO. I should think we did! How a nobleman of yourimportance can do it at all is a thing I never can, never shallunderstand.[Ko-Ko retires andgoes off.QUARTET AND CHORUS OF GIRLS.YUM-YUM, PEEP-BO, PITTI-SING, and POOH-BAH.YUM, PEEP. So please you, Sir, we much regretand PITTI. If we have failed in etiquetteTowards a man of rank so high—We shall know better by and by.YUM. But youth, of course, must have its fling,So pardon us,So pardon us,PITTI. And don't, in girlhood's happy spring,Be hard on us,Be hard on us,If we're inclined to dance and sing.Tra la la, etc. (Dancing.)CHORUS OF GIRLS. But youth, of course, etc.POOH. I think you ought to recollectYou cannot show too much respectTowards the highly titled few;But nobody does, and why should you?That youth at us should have its fling,Is hard on us,Is hard on us;To our prerogative we cling—So pardon us,So pardon us,If we decline to dance and sing.Tra la la, etc. (Dancing.)CHORUS OF GIRLS.. But youth, of course, must have its fling, etc.[Exeunt all butYum-Yum.Enter Nanki-Poo.NANK. Yum-Yum, at last we are alone! I have sought younight and day for three weeks, in the belief that your guardianwas beheaded, and I find that you are about to be married to himthis afternoon!YUM. Alas, yes!NANK. But you do not love him?YUM. Alas, no!NANK. Modified rapture! But why do you not refuse him?YUM. What good would that do? He's my guardian, and hewouldn't let me marry you!NANK. But I would wait until you were of age!YUM. You forget that in Japan girls do not arrive at yearsof discretion until they are fifty.NANK. True; from seventeen to forty-nine are consideredyears of indiscretion.YUM. Besides—a wandering minstrel, who plays a windinstrument outside tea-houses, is hardly a fitting husband forthe ward of a Lord High Executioner.NANK. But—— (Aside.) Shall I tell her? Yes! She willnot betray me! (Aloud.) What if it should prove that, afterall, I am no musician?YUM. There! I was certain of it, directly I heard youplay!NANK. What if it should prove that I am no other than theson of his Majesty the Mikado?YUM. The son of the Mikado! But why is your Highnessdisguised? And what has your Highness done? And will yourHighness promise never to do it again?NANK. Some years ago I had the misfortune to captivateKatisha, an elderly lady of my father's Court. She misconstruedmy customary affability into expressions of affection, andclaimed me in marriage, under my father's law. My father, theLucius Junius Brutus of his race, ordered me to marry her withina week, or perish ignominiously on the scaffold. That night Ifled his Court, and, assuming the disguise of a Second Trombone,I joined the band in which you found me when I had the happinessof seeing you! (Approaching her.)YUM. (retreating). If you please, I think your Highnesshad better not come too near. The laws against flirting areexcessively severe.NANK. But we are quite alone, and nobody can see us.YUM. Still, that don't make it right. To flirt is capital.NANK. It is capital!YUM. And we must obey the law.NANK. Deuce take the law!YUM. I wish it would, but it won't!NANK. If it were not for that, how happy we might be!YUM. Happy indeed!NANK. If it were not for the law, we should now be sittingside by side, like that. (Sits by her.)YUM. Instead of being obliged to sit half a mile off, likethat. (Crosses and sits at other side of stage.)NANK. We should be gazing into each other's eyes, likethat. (Gazing at her sentimentally.)YUM. Breathing sighs of unutterable love—like that.(Sighing and gazing lovingly at him.)NANK. With our arms round each other's waists, like that.(Embracing her.)YUM. Yes, if it wasn't for the law.NANK. If it wasn't for the law.YUM. As it is, of course we couldn't do anything of thekind.NANK. Not for worlds!YUM. Being engaged to Ko-Ko, you know!NANK. Being engaged to Ko-Ko!DUET—YUM-YUM and NANKI-POO.NANK. Were you not to Ko-Ko plighted,I would say in tender tone,"Loved one, let us be united—Let us be each other's own!"I would merge all rank and station,Worldly sneers are nought to us,And, to mark my admiration,I would kiss you fondly thus— (Kisses her.)BOTH. I/He would kiss you/me fondly thus— (Kiss.)YUM. But as I'm engaged to Ko-Ko,To embrace you thus, con fuoco,Would distinctly be no giuoco,And for yam I should get toko—BOTH. Toko, toko, toko, toko!NANK. So, In spite of all temptation,Such a theme I'll not discuss,And on no considerationWill I kiss you fondly thus— (Kissing her.)Let me make it clear to you,This is what I'll never do!This, oh, this, oh, this, oh, this,—(Kissingher.)TOGETHER. This, oh, this, etc.[Exeunt in oppositedirections.Enter Ko-Ko.KO. (looking after Yum-Yum). There she goes! To think howentirely my future happiness is wrapped up in that little parcel!Really, it hardly seems worth while! Oh, matrimony!— (EnterPooh-Bah and Pish-Tush.) Now then, what is it? Can't you see I'msoliloquizing? You have interrupted an apostrophe, sir!PISH. I am the bearer of a letter from his Majesty theMikado.KO. (taking it from him reverentially). A letter from theMikado! What in the world can he have to say to me? (Readsletter.) Ah, here it is at last! I thought it would come sooneror later! The Mikado is struck by the fact that no executionshave taken place in Titipu for a year, and decrees that unlesssomebody is beheaded within one month the post of Lord HighExecutioner shall be abolished, and the city reduced to the rankof a village!PISH. But that will involve us all in irretrievable ruin!KO. Yes. There is no help for it, I shall have to executesomebody at once. The only question is, who shall it be?POOH. Well, it seems unkind to say so, but as you'realready under sentence of death for flirting, everything seems topoint to you.KO. To me? What are you talking about? I can't executemyself.POOH. Why not?KO. Why not? Because, in the first place, selfdecapitation is an extremely difficult, not to say dangerous,thing to attempt; and, in the second, it's suicide, and suicideis a capital offence.POOH. That is so, no doubt.PISH. We might reserve that point.POOH. True, it could be argued six months hence, before thefull Court.KO. Besides, I don't see how a man can cut off his ownhead.POOH. A man might try.PISH. Even if you only succeeded in cutting it half off,that would be something.POOH. It would be taken as an earnest of your desire tocomply with the Imperial will.KO. No. Pardon me, but there I am adamant. As officialHeadsman, my reputation is at stake, and I can't consent toembark on a professional operation unless I see my way to asuccessful result.POOH. This professional conscientiousness is highlycreditable to you, but it places us in a very awkward position.KO. My good sir, the awkwardness of your position is graceitself compared with that of a man engaged in the act of cuttingoff his own head.PISH. I am afraid that, unless you can obtain a substitute——KO. A substitute? Oh, certainly—nothing easier. (ToPooh-Bah.) Pooh-Bah, I appoint you Lord High Substitute.POOH. I should be delighted. Such an appointment wouldrealize my fondest dreams. But no, at any sacrifice, I must setbounds to my insatiable ambition!TRIOKo-Ko Pooh-Bah Pish-TushMy brain it teams I am so proud, I heard onedayWith endless schemes If I allowed A gentlemansayBoth good and new My family pride That criminalswhoFor Titipu; To be my guide, Are cut in twoBut if I flit, I'd volunteer Can hardlyfeelThe benefit To quit this sphere The fatalsteel,That I'd diffuse Instead of you And so areslainThe town would lose! In a minute or two, Without muchpain.Now every man But family pride If this istrue,To aid his clan Must be denied, It's jolly foryou;Should plot and plan And set aside, Your couragescrewAs best he can, And mortified. To bid usadieu,And so, And so, And goAlthough Although And showI'm ready to go, I wish to go, Both friendand foeYet recollect And greatly pine How much youdare.'Twere disrespect To brightly shine, I'm quiteawareDid I neglect And take the line It's youraffair,To thus effect Of a hero fine, Yet I declareThis aim direct, With grief condign I'd take yourshare,So I object— I must decline— But I don'tmuch care—So I object— I must decline— I don't muchcare—So I object— I must decline— I don't muchcare—