ORTHE PEER AND THE PERI
DRAMATIS PERSONAETHE LORD CHANCELLOREARL OF MOUNTARARATEARL TOLLOLLERPRIVATE WILLIS (of the Grenadier Guards)STREPHON (an Arcadian Shepherd)QUEEN OF THE FAIRIESIOLANTHE (a Fairy, Strephon's Mother)FAIRIES:CELIALEILAFLETAPHYLLIS (an Arcadian Shepherdess and Ward of Chancery)ACT IAn Arcadian LandscapeACT IIPalace Yard, Westminster
SCENE.—An Arcadian Landscape. A river runs around the back of thestage. A rustic bridge crosses the river.Enter Fairies, led by Leila, Celia, and Fleta. They trip aroundthe stage, singing as they dance.CHORUS.Tripping hither, tripping thither,Nobody knows why or whither;We must dance and we must singRound about our fairy ring!SOLO—CELIA.We are dainty little fairies,Ever singing, ever dancing;We indulge in our vagariesIn a fashion most entrancing.If you ask the special functionOf our never-ceasing motion,We reply, without compunction,That we haven't any notion!CHORUS.No, we haven't any notion!Tripping hither, etc.SOLO—LEILA.If you ask us how we live,Lovers all essentials give—We can ride on lovers' sighs,Warm ourselves in lovers' eyes,Bathe ourselves in lovers' tears,Clothe ourselves with lovers' fears,Arm ourselves with lovers' darts,Hide ourselves in lovers' hearts.When you know us, you'll discoverThat we almost live on lover!CHORUS.Yes, we live on lover!Tripping hither, etc.(At the end of Chorus, all sigh wearily.)CELIA. Ah, it's all very well, but since our Queen banishedIolanthe, fairy revels have not been what they were!LEILA. Iolanthe was the life and soul of Fairyland. Why, shewrote all our songs and arranged all our dances! We sing her songsand we trip her measures, but we don't enjoy ourselves!FLETA. To think that five-and-twenty years have elapsed sinceshe was banished! What could she have done to have deserved soterrible a punishment?LEILA. Something awful! She married a mortal!FLETA. Oh! Is it injudicious to marry a mortal?LEILA. Injudicious? It strikes at the root of the wholefairy system! By our laws, the fairy who marries a mortal dies!CELIA. But Iolanthe didn't die!(Enter Fairy Queen.)QUEEN. No, because your Queen, who loved her with asurpassing love, commuted her sentence to penal servitude for life,on condition that she left her husband and never communicated withhim again!LEILA. That sentence of penal servitude she is now workingout, on her head, at the bottom of that stream!QUEEN. Yes, but when I banished her, I gave her all thepleasant places of the earth to dwell in. I'm sure I neverintended that she should go and live at the bottom of a stream! Itmakes me perfectly wretched to think of the discomfort she musthave undergone!LEILA. Think of the damp! And her chest was always delicate.QUEEN. And the frogs! Ugh! I never shall enjoy any peace ofmind until I know why Iolanthe went to live among the frogs!FLETA. Then why not summon her and ask her?QUEEN. Why? Because if I set eyes on her I should forgiveher at once!CELIA. Then why not forgive her? Twenty-five years—it's along time!LEILA. Think how we loved her!QUEEN. Loved her? What was your love to mine? Why, she wasinvaluable to me! Who taught me to curl myself inside a buttercup?Iolanthe! Who taught me to swing upon a cobweb? Iolanthe! Whotaught me to dive into a dewdrop—to nestle in a nutshell—togambol upon gossamer? Iolanthe!LEILA. She certainly did surprising things!FLETA. Oh, give her back to us, great Queen, for your sake ifnot for ours! (All kneel in supplication.)QUEEN (irresolute). Oh, I should be strong, but I am weak!I should be marble, but I am clay! Her punishment has been heavierthan I intended. I did not mean that she should live among thefrogs—and—well, well, it shall be as you wish—it shall be as youwish!INVOCATION—QUEEN.Iolanthe!From thy dark exile thou art summoned!Come to our call—Come, come, Iolanthe!CELIA. Iolanthe!LEILA. Iolanthe!ALL. Come to our call, Iolanthe!Iolanthe, come!(Iolanthe rises from the water. She is clad in water-weeds. Sheapproaches the Queen with head bent and arms crossed.)IOLANTHE. With humbled breastAnd every hope laid low,To thy behest,Offended Queen, I bow!QUEEN. For a dark sin against our fairy lawsWe sent thee into life-long banishment;But mercy holds her sway within our hearts—Rise—thou art pardoned!IOL. Pardoned!ALL. Pardoned!(Her weeds fall from her, and she appears clothed as a fairy. TheQueen places a diamond coronet on her head, and embraces her. Theothers also embrace her.)CHORUS.Welcome to our hearts again,Iolanthe! Iolanthe!We have shared thy bitter pain,Iolanthe! Iolanthe!Every heart and every handIn our loving little bandWelcomes thee to Fairyland,Iolanthe!QUEEN. And now, tell me, with all the world to choose from,why on earth did you decide to live at the bottom of that stream?IOL. To be near my son, Strephon.QUEEN. Bless my heart, I didn't know you had a son.IOL. He was born soon after I left my husband by your royalcommand—but he does not even know of his father's existence.FLETA. How old is he?IOL. Twenty-four.LEILA. Twenty-four! No one, to look at you, would think youhad a son of twenty-four! But that's one of the advantages ofbeing immortal. We never grow old! Is he pretty?IOL. He's extremely pretty, but he's inclined to be stout.ALL (disappointed). Oh!QUEEN. I see no objection to stoutness, in moderation.CELIA. And what is he?IOL. He's an Arcadian shepherd—and he loves Phyllis, a Wardin Chancery.CELIA. A mere shepherd! and he half a fairy!IOL. He's a fairy down to the waist—but his legs are mortal.ALL. Dear me!QUEEN. I have no reason to suppose that I am more curiousthan other people, but I confess I should like to see a person whois a fairy down to the waist, but whose legs are mortal.IOL. Nothing easier, for here he comes!(Enter Strephon, singing and dancing and playing on a flageolet.He does not see the Fairies, who retire up stage as he enters.)SONG—STREPHON.Good morrow, good mother!Good mother, good morrow!By some means or other,Pray banish your sorrow!With joy beyond tellingMy bosom is swelling,So join in a measureExpressive of pleasure,For I'm to be married to-day—to-day—Yes, I'm to be married to-day!CHORUS (aside). Yes, he's to be married to-day—to-day—Yes, he's to be married to-day!IOL. Then the Lord Chancellor has at last given his consentto your marriage with his beautiful ward, Phyllis?STREPH. Not he, indeed. To all my tearful prayers he answersme, "A shepherd lad is no fit helpmate for a Ward of Chancery." Istood in court, and there I sang him songs of Arcadee, withflageolet accompaniment—in vain. At first he seemed amused, sodid the Bar; but quickly wearying of my song and pipe, bade me getout. A servile usher then, in crumpled bands and rusty bombazine,led me, still singing, into Chancery Lane! I'll go no more; I'llmarry her to-day, and brave the upshot, be it what it may! (SeesFairies.) But who are these?IOL. Oh, Strephon! rejoice with me, my Queen has pardonedme!STREPH. Pardoned you, mother? This is good news indeed.IOL. And these ladies are my beloved sisters.STREPH. Your sisters! Then they are—my aunts!QUEEN. A pleasant piece of news for your bride on her weddingday!STREPH. Hush! My bride knows nothing of my fairyhood. Idare not tell her, lest it frighten her. She thinks me mortal, andprefers me so.LEILA. Your fairyhood doesn't seem to have done you muchgood.STREPH. Much good! My dear aunt! it's the curse of myexistence! What's the use of being half a fairy? My body cancreep through a keyhole, but what's the good of that when my legsare left kicking behind? I can make myself invisible down to thewaist, but that's of no use when my legs remain exposed to view!My brain is a fairy brain, but from the waist downwards I'm agibbering idiot. My upper half is immortal, but my lower halfgrows older every day, and some day or other must die of old age.What's to become of my upper half when I've buried my lower half Ireally don't know!FAIRIES. Poor fellow!QUEEN. I see your difficulty, but with a fairy brain youshould seek an intellectual sphere of action. Let me see. I've aborough or two at my disposal. Would you like to go intoParliament?IOL. A fairy Member! That would be delightful!STREPH. I'm afraid I should do no good there—you see, downto the waist, I'm a Tory of the most determined description, but mylegs are a couple of confounded Radicals, and, on a division,they'd be sure to take me into the wrong lobby. You see, they'retwo to one, which is a strong working majority.QUEEN. Don't let that distress you; you shall be returned asa Liberal-Conservative, and your legs shall be our peculiar care.STREPH. (bowing). I see your Majesty does not do things byhalves.QUEEN. No, we are fairies down to the feet.ENSEMBLE.QUEEN. Fare thee well, attractive stranger.FAIRIES. Fare thee well, attractive stranger.QUEEN. Shouldst thou be in doubt or danger,Peril or perplexitee,Call us, and we'll come to thee!FAIRIES. Aye! Call us, and we'll come to thee!Tripping hither, tripping thither,Nobody knows why or whither;We must now be taking wingTo another fairy ring!(Fairies and Queen trip off, Iolanthe, who takes an affectionatefarewell of her son, going off last.)(Enter Phyllis, singing and dancing, and accompanying herself on aflageolet.)SONG—PHYLLIS.Good morrow, good lover!Good lover, good morrow!I prithee discover,Steal, purchase, or borrowSome means of concealingThe care you are feeling,And join in a measureExpressive of pleasure,For we're to be married to-day—to-day!Yes, we're to be married to-day!BOTH. Yes, we're to be married, etc.STREPH. (embracing her). My Phyllis! And to-day we are to bemade happy for ever.PHYL. Well, we're to be married.STREPH. It's the same thing.PHYL. I suppose it is. But oh, Strephon, I tremble at thestep I'm taking! I believe it's penal servitude for life to marrya Ward of Court without the Lord Chancellor's consent! I shall beof age in two years. Don't you think you could wait two years?STREPH. Two years. Have you ever looked in the glass?PHYL. No, never.STREPH. Here, look at that (showing her a pocket mirror), andtell me if you think it rational to expect me to wait two years?PHYL. (looking at herself). No. You're quite right—it'sasking too much. One must be reasonable.STREPH. Besides, who knows what will happen in two years?Why, you might fall in love with the Lord Chancellor himself bythat time!PHYL. Yes. He's a clean old gentleman.STREPH. As it is, half the House of Lords are sighing at yourfeet.PHYL. The House of Lords are certainly extremely attentive.STREPH. Attentive? I should think they were! Why didfive-and-twenty Liberal Peers come down to shoot over yourgrass-plot last autumn? It couldn't have been the sparrows. Whydid five-and-twenty Conservative Peers come down to fish your pond?Don't tell me it was the gold-fish! No, no—delays are dangerous,and if we are to marry, the sooner the better.DUET—STREPHON and PHYLLIS.PHYLLIS. None shall part us from each other,One in life and death are we:All in all to one another—I to thee and thou to me!BOTH. Thou the tree and I the flower—Thou the idol; I the throng—Thou the day and I the hour—Thou the singer; I the song!STREPH. All in all since that fond meetingWhen, in joy, I woke to findMine the heart within thee beating,Mine the love that heart enshrined!BOTH. Thou the stream and I the willow—Thou the sculptor; I the clay—Thou the Ocean; I the billow—Thou the sunrise; I the day!(Exeunt Strephon and Phyllistogether.)(March. Enter Procession of Peers.)CHORUS.Loudly let the trumpet bray!Tantantara!Proudly bang the sounding brasses!Tzing! Boom!As upon its lordly wayThis unique procession passes,Tantantara! Tzing! Boom!Bow, bow, ye lower middle classes!Bow, bow, ye tradesmen, bow, ye masses!Blow the trumpets, bang the brasses!Tantantara! Tzing! Boom!We are peers of highest station,Paragons of legislation,Pillars of the British nation!Tantantara! Tzing! Boom!(Enter the Lord Chancellor, followed by his train-bearer.)SONG—LORD CHANCELLOR.The Law is the true embodimentOf everything that's excellent.It has no kind of fault or flaw,And I, my Lords, embody the Law.The constitutional guardian IOf pretty young Wards in Chancery,All very agreeable girls—and noneAre over the age of twenty-one.A pleasant occupation forA rather susceptible Chancellor!ALL. A pleasant, etc.But though the compliment impliedInflates me with legitimate pride,It nevertheless can't be deniedThat it has its inconvenient side.For I'm not so old, and not so plain,And I'm quite prepared to marry again,But there'd be the deuce to pay in the LordsIf I fell in love with one of my Wards!Which rather tries my temper, forI'm such a susceptible Chancellor!ALL. Which rather, etc.And every one who'd marry a WardMust come to me for my accord,And in my court I sit all day,Giving agreeable girls away,With one for him—and one for he—And one for you—and one for ye—And one for thou—and one for thee—But never, oh, never a one for me!Which is exasperating forA highly susceptible Chancellor!ALL. Which is, etc.(Enter Lord Tolloller.)LORD TOLL. And now, my Lords, to the business of the day.LORD CH. By all means. Phyllis, who is a Ward of Court, hasso powerfully affected your Lordships, that you have appealed to mein a body to give her to whichever one of you she may think properto select, and a noble Lord has just gone to her cottage to requesther immediate attendance. It would be idle to deny that I, myself,have the misfortune to be singularly attracted by this youngperson. My regard for her is rapidly undermining my constitution.Three months ago I was a stout man. I need say no more. If Icould reconcile it with my duty, I should unhesitatingly award herto myself, for I can conscientiously say that I know no man who isso well fitted to render her exceptionally happy. (Peers: Hear,hear!) But such an award would be open to misconstruction, andtherefore, at whatever personal inconvenience, I waive my claim.LORD TOLL. My Lord, I desire, on the part of this House, toexpress its sincere sympathy with your Lordship's most painfulposition.LORD CH. I thank your Lordships. The feelings of a LordChancellor who is in love with a Ward of Court are not to beenvied. What is his position? Can he give his own consent to hisown marriage with his own Ward? Can he marry his own Ward withouthis own consent? And if he marries his own Ward without his ownconsent, can he commit himself for contempt of his own Court? Andif he commit himself for contempt of his own Court, can he appearby counsel before himself, to move for arrest of his own judgement?Ah, my Lords, it is indeed painful to have to sit upon a woolsackwhich is stuffed with such thorns as these!(Enter Lord Mountararat.)LORD MOUNT. My Lord, I have much pleasure in announcing thatI have succeeded in inducing the young person to present herself atthe Bar of this House.(Enter Phyllis.)RECITATIVE—PHYLLIS.My well-loved Lord and Guardian dear,You summoned me, and I am here!CHORUS OF PEERS.Oh, rapture, how beautiful!How gentle—how dutiful!SOLO—LORD TOLLOLLER.Of all the young ladies I knowThis pretty young lady's the fairest;Her lips have the rosiest show,Her eyes are the richest and rarest.Her origin's lowly, it's true,But of birth and position I've plenty;I've grammar and spelling for two,And blood and behaviour for twenty!Her origin's lowly, it's true,I've grammar and spelling for two;CHORUS. Of birth and position he's plenty,With blood and behaviour for twenty!SOLO—LORD MOUNTARARAT.Though the views of the House have divergedOn every conceivable motion,All questions of Party are mergedIn a frenzy of love and devotion;If you ask us distinctly to sayWhat Party we claim to belong to,We reply, without doubt or delay,The Party I'm singing this song to!SOLO—PHYLLIS.I'm very much pained to refuse,But I'll stick to my pipes and my tabors;I can spell all the words that I use,And my grammar's as good as my neighbours'.As for birth—I was born like the rest,My behaviour is rustic but hearty,And I know where to turn for the best,When I want a particular Party!PHYLLIS, LORD TOLL., and LORD MOUNT.Though her station is none of the best,I suppose she was born like the rest;And she knows where to look for her hearty,When she wants a particular Party!RECITATIVE—PHYLLIS.Nay, tempt me not.To rank I'll not be bound;In lowly cotAlone is virtue found!CHORUS. No, no; indeed high rank will never hurt you,The Peerage is not destitute of virtue.BALLAD—LORD TOLLOLLER.Spurn not the nobly bornWith love affected,Nor treat with virtuous scornThe well-connected.High rank involves no shame—We boast an equal claimWith him of humble nameTo be respected!Blue blood! blue blood!When virtuous love is soughtThy power is naught,Though dating from the Flood,Blue blood! Ah, blue blood!CHORUS. When virtuous love is sought, etc.Spare us the bitter painOf stern denials,Nor with low-born disdainAugment our trials.Hearts just as pure and fairMay beat in Belgrave SquareAs in the lowly airOf Seven Dials!Blue blood! blue blood!Of what avail art thouTo serve us now?Though dating from the Flood,Blue blood! Ah, blue blood!CHORUS. Of what avail art thou, etc.RECITATIVE—PHYLLIS.My Lords, it may not be.With grief my heart is riven!You waste your time on me,For ah! my heart is given!ALL. Given!PHYL. Yes, given!ALL. Oh, horror!!!RECITATIVE—LORD CHANCELLOR.And who has dared to brave our high displeasure,And thus defy our definite command?(Enter Strephon.)STREPH. 'Tis I—young Strephon! mine this priceless treasure!Against the world I claim my darling's hand!(Phyllis rushes to his arms.)A shepherd I—ALL. A shepherd he!STREPH. Of Arcady-ALL. Of Arcadee!STREPH. Betrothed are we!ALL. Betrothed are they—STREPH. And mean to be-ALL. Espoused to-day!ENSEMBLE.STREPH. THE OTHERS.A shepherd I A shepherd heOf Arcady, Of Arcadee,Betrothed are we, Betrothed is he,And mean to be And means to beEspoused to-day! Espoused to-day!DUET—LORD MOUNTARARAT and LORD TOLLOLLER(aside to each other).'Neath this blow,Worse than stab of dagger—Though we mo-Mentarily stagger,In each heartProud are we innately—Let's depart,Dignified and stately!ALL. Let's depart,Dignified and stately!CHORUS OF PEERS.Though our hearts she's badly bruising,In another suitor choosing,Let's pretend it's most amusing.Ha! ha! ha! Tan-ta-ra!(Exeunt all the Peers, marching round stage with much dignity.Lord Chancellor separates Phyllis from Strephon and orders her off.She follows Peers. Manent Lord Chancellor and Strephon.)LORD CH. Now, sir, what excuse have you to offer for havingdisobeyed an order of the Court of Chancery?STREPH. My Lord, I know no Courts of Chancery; I go byNature's Acts of Parliament. The bees—the breeze—the seas—therooks—the brooks—the gales—the vales—the fountains and themountains cry, "You love this maiden—take her, we command you!"'Tis writ in heaven by the bright barbed dart that leaps forth intolurid light from each grim thundercloud. The very rain pours forthher sad and sodden sympathy! When chorused Nature bids me take mylove, shall I reply, "Nay, but a certain Chancellor forbids it"?Sir, you are England's Lord High Chancellor, but are you Chancellorof birds and trees, King of the winds and Prince of thunderclouds?LORD CH. No. It's a nice point. I don't know that I evermet it before. But my difficulty is that at present there's noevidence before the Court that chorused Nature has interestedherself in the matter.STREPH. No evidence! You have my word for it. I tell youthat she bade me take my love.LORD CH. Ah! but, my good sir, you mustn't tell us what shetold you—it's not evidence. Now an affidavit from a thunderstorm,or a few words on oath from a heavy shower, would meet with all theattention they deserve.STREPH. And have you the heart to apply the prosaic rules ofevidence to a case which bubbles over with poetical emotion?LORD CH. Distinctly. I have always kept my duty strictlybefore my eyes, and it is to that fact that I owe my advancement tomy present distinguished position.SONG—LORD CHANCELLOR.When I went to the Bar as a very young man,(Said I to myself—said I),I'll work on a new and original plan,(Said I to myself—said I),I'll never assume that a rogue or a thiefIs a gentleman worthy implicit belief,Because his attorney has sent me a brief,(Said I to myself—said I!).Ere I go into court I will read my brief through(Said I to myself—said I),And I'll never take work I'm unable to do(Said I to myself-said I),My learned profession I'll never disgraceBy taking a fee with a grin on my face,When I haven't been there to attend to the case(Said I to myself—said I!).I'll never throw dust in a juryman's eyes(Said I to myself—said I),Or hoodwink a judge who is not over-wise(Said I to myself—said I),Or assume that the witnesses summoned in forceIn Exchequer, Queen's Bench, Common Pleas, or Divorce,Have perjured themselves as a matter of course(Said I to myself—said I!).In other professions in which men engage(Said I to myself said I),The Army, the Navy, the Church, and the Stage(Said I to myself—said I),Professional licence, if carried too far,Your chance of promotion will certainly mar—And I fancy the rule might apply to the Bar(Said I to myself—said I!).(Exit LordChancellor.)(Enter Iolanthe)STREPH. Oh, Phyllis, Phyllis! To be taken from you just asI was on the point of making you my own! Oh, it's too much—it'stoo much!IOL. (to Strephon, who is in tears). My son in tears—and onhis wedding day!STREPH. My wedding day! Oh, mother, weep with me, for theLaw has interposed between us, and the Lord Chancellor hasseparated us for ever!IOL. The Lord Chancellor! (Aside.) Oh, if he did but know!STREPH. (overhearing her). If he did but know what?IOL. No matter! The Lord Chancellor has no power over you.Remember you are half a fairy. You can defy him—down to thewaist.STREPH. Yes, but from the waist downwards he can commit me toprison for years! Of what avail is it that my body is free, if mylegs are working out seven years' penal servitude?IOL. True. But take heart—our Queen has promised you herspecial protection. I'll go to her and lay your peculiar casebefore her.STREPH. My beloved mother! how can I repay the debt I oweyou?FINALE—QUARTET.(As it commences, the Peers appear at the back, advancing unseenand on tiptoe. Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller lead Phyllisbetween them, who listens in horror to what she hears.)STREPH. (to Iolanthe). When darkly looms the day,And all is dull and grey,To chase the gloom away,On thee I'll call!PHYL. (speaking aside to Lord Mountararat). What was that?LORD MOUNT. (aside to Phyllis).I think I heard him say,That on a rainy day,To while the time away,On her he'd call!CHORUS. We think we heard him say, etc.(Phyllis much agitated at her lover's supposed faithlessness.)IOL. (to Strephon). When tempests wreck thy bark,And all is drear and dark,If thou shouldst need an Ark,I'll give thee one!PHYL. (speaking aside to Lord Tolloller). What was that?LORD TOLL. (aside to Phyllis).I heard the minx remark,She'd meet him after dark,Inside St James's Park,And give him one!CHORUS. We heard the minx remark, etc.PHYL. The prospect's very bad.My heart so sore and sadWill never more be gladAs summer's sun.PHYL., IOL., LORD TOLL., STREPH.The prospect's not so bad,My/Thy heart so sore and sadMay very soon be gladAs summer's sun;PHYL., IOL., LORD TOLL., STEPH., LORD MOUNT.For when the sky is darkAnd tempests wreck his/thy/my bark,he shouldIf thou shouldst need an Ark,I shouldShe'll himI'll give thee one!mePHYL. (revealing herself). Ah!(Iolanthe and Strephon much confused.)PHYL. Oh, shameless one, tremble!Nay, do not endeavourThy fault to dissemble,We part—and for ever!I worshipped him blindly,He worships another—STREPH. Attend to me kindly,This lady's my mother!TOLL. This lady's his what?STREPH. This lady's my mother!TENORS. This lady's his what?BASSES. He says she's his mother!(They point derisively to Iolanthe, laughing heartily at her. Shegoes for protection to Strephon.)(Enter Lord Chancellor. Iolanthe veils herself.)LORD CH. What means this mirth unseemly,That shakes the listening earth?LORD TOLL. The joke is good extremely,And justifies our mirth.LORD MOUNT. This gentleman is seen,With a maid of seventeen,A-taking of his dolce far niente;And wonders he'd achieve,For he asks us to believeShe's his mother—and he's nearly five-and-twenty!LORD CH. (sternly). Recollect yourself, I pray,And be careful what you say—As the ancient Romans said, festina lente.For I really do not seeHow so young a girl could beThe mother of a man of five-and-twenty.ALL. Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!STREPH. My Lord, of evidence I have no dearth—She is—has been—my mother from my birth!BALLAD.In babyhoodUpon her lap I lay,With infant foodShe moistened my clay;Had she withheldThe succour she supplied,By hunger quelled,Your Strephon might have died!LORD CH. (much moved).Had that refreshment been denied,Indeed our Strephon might have died!ALL (much affected).Had that refreshment been denied,Indeed our Strephon might have died!LORD MOUNT. But as she's notHis mother, it appears,Why weep these hotUnnecessary tears?And by what lawsShould we so joyouslyRejoice, becauseOur Strephon did not die?Oh rather let us pipe our eyeBecause our Strephon did not die!ALL. That's very true—let's pipe our eyeBecause our Strephon did not die!(All weep. Iolanthe, who has succeeded in hiding her face fromLord Chancellor, escapes unnoticed.)PHYL. Go, traitorous one—for ever we must part:To one of you, my Lords, I give my heart!ALL. Oh, rapture!STREPH. Hear me, Phyllis, ere you leave me.PHYL. Not a word—you did deceive me.ALL. Not a word—you did deceive her.(ExitStrephon.)BALLAD—PHYLLIS.For riches and rank I do not long—Their pleasures are false and vain;I gave up the love of a lordly throngFor the love of a simple swain.But now that simple swain's untrue,With sorrowful heart I turn to you—A heart that's aching,Quaking, breaking,As sorrowful hearts are wont to do!The riches and rank that you befallAre the only baits you use,So the richest and rankiest of you allMy sorrowful heart shall choose.As none are so noble—none so richAs this couple of lords, I'll find a nicheIn my heart that's aching,Quaking, breaking,For one of you two-and I don't care which!ENSEMBLE.PHYL. (to Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller).To you I give my heart so rich!ALL (puzzled). To which?PHYL. I do not care!To you I yield—it is my doom!ALL. To whom?PHYL. I'm not aware!I'm yours for life if you but choose.ALL. She's whose?PHYL. That's your affair!I'll be a countess, shall I not?ALL. Of what?PHYL. I do not care!ALL. Lucky little lady!Strephon's lot is shady;Rank, it seems, is vital,"Countess" is the title,But of what I'm not aware!(Enter Strephon.)STREPH. Can I inactive see my fortune fade?No, no!PEERS. Ho, ho!STREPH. Mighty protectress, hasten to my aid!(Enter Fairies, tripping, headed by Celia, Leila, and Fleta, andfollowed by Queen.)CHORUS Tripping hither, tripping thither.OF Nobody knows why or whither;FAIRIES Why you want us we don't know,But you've summoned us, and soEnter all the little fairiesTo their usual tripping measure!To oblige you all our care is—Tell us, pray, what is your pleasure!STREPH. The lady of my love has caught me talking to another—PEERS. Oh, fie! young Strephon is a rogue!STREPH. I tell her very plainly that the lady is my mother—PEERS. Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay!STREPH. She won't believe my statement, and declares we must beparted,Because on a career of double-dealing I have started,Then gives her hand to one of these, and leaves mebroken-hearted—PEERS. Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay!QUEEN. Ah, cruel ones, to separate two lovers from each other!FAIRIES. Oh, fie! our Strephon's not a rogue!QUEEN. You've done him an injustice, for the lady is his mother!FAIRIES. Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay!LORD CH. That fable perhaps may serve his turn as well as anyother.(Aside.) I didn't see her face, but if they fondled oneanother,And she's but seventeen—I don't believe it was hismother!Taradiddle, taradiddle.ALL. Tol lol lay!LORD TOLL. I have often had a useFor a thorough-bred excuseOf a sudden (which is English for "repente"),But of all I ever heardThis is much the most absurd,For she's seventeen, and he is five-and-twenty!ALL. Though she is seventeen, and he is four orfive-and-twenty!Oh, fie! our Strephon is a rogue!LORD MOUNT. Now, listen, pray to me,For this paradox will beCarried, nobody at all contradicente.Her age, upon the dateOf his birth, was minus eight,If she's seventeen, and he is five-and-twenty!PEERS and FAIRIES. If she is seventeen, and he is onlyfive-and-twenty.ALL. To say she is his mother is an utter bit of folly!Oh, fie! our Strephon is a rogue!Perhaps his brain is addled, and it's very melancholy!Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay!I wouldn't say a word that could be reckoned asinjurious,But to find a mother younger than her son is verycurious,And that's a kind of mother that is usually spurious.Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay!LORD CH. Go away, madam;I should say, madam,You display, madam,Shocking taste.It is rude, madam,To intrude, madam,With your brood, madam,Brazen-faced!You come here, madam,Interfere, madam,With a peer, madam.(I am one.)You're aware, madam,What you dare, madam,So take care, madam,And begone!ENSEMBLEFAIRIES (to QUEEN). PEERSLet us stay, madam; Go away, madam;I should say, madam, I should say, madam,They display, madam, You display, madam,Shocking taste. Shocking taste.It is rude, madam, It is rude, madam,To allude, madam, To intrude, madam,To your brood, madam, With your brood, madam,Brazen-faced! Brazen-faced!We don't fear, madam, You come here, madam,Any peer, madam, Interfere, madam,Though, my dear madam, With a peer, madam,This is one. (I am one.)They will stare, madam, You're aware, madam,When aware, madam, What you dare, madam,What they dare, madam— So take care, madam,What they've done! And begone!QUEEN. Bearded by these puny mortals!(furious). I will launch from fairy portalsAll the most terrific thundersIn my armoury of wonders!PHYL. (aside). Should they launch terrific wonders,All would then repent their blunders.Surely these must be immortals.(ExitPhyllis.)QUEEN. Oh! Chancellor unwaryIt's highly necessaryYour tongue to teachRespectful speech—Your attitude to vary!Your badinage so airy,Your manner arbitrary,Are out of placeWhen face to faceWith an influential Fairy.ALL THE PEERS We never knew(aside). We were talking toAn influential Fairy!LORD CH. A plague on this vagary,I'm in a nice quandary!Of hasty toneWith dames unknownI ought to be more chary;It seems that she's a fairyFrom Andersen's library,And I took her forThe proprietorOf a Ladies' Seminary!PEERS. We took her forThe proprietorOf a Ladies' Seminary!QUEEN. When next your Houses do assemble,You may tremble!CELIA. Our wrath, when gentlemen offend us,Is tremendous!LEILA. They meet, who underrate our calling,Doom appalling!QUEEN. Take down our sentence as we speak it,And he shall wreak it!(IndicatingStrephon.)PEERS. Oh, spare us!QUEEN. Henceforth, Strephon, cast awayCrooks and pipes and ribbons so gay—Flocks and herds that bleat and low;Into Parliament you shall go!ALL. Into Parliament he shall go!Backed by our supreme authority,He'll command a large majority!Into Parliament he shall go!QUEEN. In the Parliamentary hive,Liberal or Conservative—Whig or Tory—I don't know—But into Parliament you shall go!ALL. Into Parliament, etc.QUEEN (speaking through music).Every bill and every measureThat may gratify his pleasure,Though your fury it arouses,Shall be passed by both your Houses!PEERS. Oh!QUEEN. You shall sit, if he sees reason,Through the grouse and salmon season;PEERS. No!QUEEN. He shall end the cherished rightsYou enjoy on Friday nights:PEERS. No!QUEEN. He shall prick that annual blister,Marriage with deceased wife's sister:PEERS. Mercy!QUEEN. Titles shall ennoble, then,All the Common Councilmen:PEERS. Spare us!QUEEN. Peers shall teem in Christendom,And a Duke's exalted stationBe attainable by Com-Petitive Examination!PEERS. FAIRIES and PHYLLIS.Oh, horror! Their horrorThey can't dissembleNor hide the fear that makes themtremble!ENSEMBLE.PEERS FAIRIES, PHYLLIS, and STREPHON.Young Strephon is the kind of lout With Strephon for your foe, nodoubt,We do not care a fig about! A fearful prospect opens out,We cannot say And who shall sayWhat evils may What evils mayResult in consequence. Result in consequence?But lordly vengeance will pursue A hideous vengeance will pursueAll kinds of common people who All noblemen who venture toOppose our views, Opppose his views,Or boldly choose Or boldly chooseTo offer us offence. To offer him offence.He'd better fly at humbler game, 'Twill plunge them into griefand shame;Or our forbearance he must claim, His kind forbearance they mustclaim,If he'd escape If they'd escapeIn any shape In any shapeA very painful wrench! A very painful wrench.Your powers we dauntlessly pooh-pooh: Although our threats younow pooh-pooh,A dire revenge will fall on you. A dire revenge will fall on you,If you besiege Should he besiegeOur high prestige— Your high prestige—(The word "prestige" is French). The word "prestige" is French).PEERS. Our lordly styleYou shall not quenchWith base canaille!FAIRIES. (That word is French.)PEERS. Distinction ebbsBefore a herdOf vulgar plebs!FAIRIES. (A Latin word.)PEERS. 'Twould fill with joy,And madness starkThe hoi polloi!FAIRIES. (A Greek remark.)PEERS. One Latin word, one Greek remark,And one that's French.FAIRIES. Your lordly styleWe'll quickly quenchWith base canaille!PEERS. (That word is French.)FAIRIES. Distinction ebbsBefore a herdOf vulgar plebs!PEERS. (A Latin word.)FAIRIES. 'Twill fill with joyAnd madness starkThe hoi polloi!PEERS. (A Greek remark.)FAIRIES. One Latin word, one Greek remark,And one that's French.PEERS. FAIRIES.You needn't wait: We will not wait:Away you fly! We go sky-high!Your threatened hate Our threatened hateWe won't defy! You won't defy!(Fairies threaten Peers with their wands. Peers kneel as beggingfor merry. Phyllis implores Strephon to relent. He casts her fromhim, and she falls fainting into the arms of Lord Mountararat andLord Tolloller.)END OF ACT I