WHAT TICKET DO YOU VOTE?Poverty and ritches are mere imaginative distinkshuns. The man who kan eat hiz bread and be happy iz certainly richer than he who kant eat it unless it iz spred with butter.“Vote early and vote often,” is the Politishun’s golden rule. Du unto others az yu would be dun by.What ticket do you vote?I never knew but one infidel in mi life, and he had no more courage than a haff drowned kitten jist pulled out ov a swill barrel, and waz az afraid tew die az the devil would be if he waz allowed tew visit this earth, for a short seazon to recruit himself.Debt iz a trap which a man sets and baits himself and then deliberately gits into.Disseaze and pills, when they enter a man’s boddy, are like two lawyers when they undertake tew settle hiz affairs, they compromise the matter by laying out the patient.One good way i kno ov to find happiness iz not by boreing254a hole to fit the plugg, but by making a plugg to fit the hole.A lie iz like nitro-glycerine,the best ov judges kant tell when it iz going tew bust and skatter confushun.A kicking cow never lets drive untill jist az the pail iz full, and seldum misses the mark; it iz jist so with sum men’s blunders.Az the flint kontains the spark, unknown tew itself, which the steel alone kan wake into life, so adversity often reveals tew us hidden gems which prosperity or negligence would forever hav hid.About one haff the pitty in this world iz not the result ov sorrow, but satisfackshun that it aint our hoss that haz had hiz leg broke.Most people when they cum tew yu for advice cum tew hav their own opinyuns strengthened, not correkted.Men seem tew me, now-a-days, tew be divided into slow Christians and wide awake sinners.Thare iz lots ov folks who are like a pump, not ov enny use tew themselfs, but simply a handle and suckshun for others.All happiness iz like gold quartz, thare iz four quartz ov stone to one ounce ov gold.Hope and Debt are partners in trade—Hope hunts up the customers and Debt skins them.Hunger iz a slut hound on a fresh track.Toil swets at the brow, but idleness swets all over.Dispair iz the ashes ov hope, which the wind ov tribulashun skatters.A man has got about done going down hill when he gits whar he brags on hiz lazyness; such a kritter is ov no more use tew himself nor others than a frozen-tew-death rooster in a barnyard.He who spends all hiz substance in charity will undoutedly git his reward here and hereafter; but hiz reward here will be the poor-house.Give a smart child a pack ov kards and a spellin book, and he will larn tew pla a good game ov hi lo jak long before he kan spell a word ov two sillables.255A lie iz good for a short race, but it takes truth tew run the heats—“blood will tell.”Thare iz a huge number ov souls perambulating around the world who hav bin straining for years after a camel and finally had to swallow a nat.We should awl aim at perfeckshun, but no one but a phool will expekt tew reach it.Pride livs on itself, it iz like a raccoon in winter, keep fatt bi sucking its claws.Laffing devils are the most dangerous. If i had a mule that wouldn’t neither kik nor bite, i should watch him dredful spry till i found out whare hiz malice lay.GNATS.Idontkno az it iz a very difficult thing tew be a good injun up in heaven, but tew cum down here and be a good injun, iz just whare the tite spot cums in.Forgiving our enemys haz the same refreshing effekt upon our souls az it duz tew confess our sins.What a lamentable cuss man iz, he pittys hiz nabors misfortunes, bi calling them judgments from heaven.Wize men go thru this world az boys go tew bed in the dark, whistling tew shorten the distance.“The gods help them who help themselfs.” Upon the same principle mankind praze thoze who praze themselfs.Falling in love iz like falling into mollassiss, sweet but dreadful dobby.Hunters and gamblers are poor ekonemists, they kill time, a species ov game that kant be reproduced.Good breeding iz the art ov avoiding familiarity, and at the same time making the company satisfied with you and pleazed with themselfs.Tew be happy—take things az they cum, and let them go jist az they cum.256It takes a grate deal of money tew make a man ritch, but it don’t take but little virtew.It iz the little things ov this life that plague us—Muskeeters are plenty, elephants skarse.What an agreeable world this would be tew liv in if we could pump all the pride and selfishness out ov it! It would improve it az much az taking the fire and brimstun out ov the other world.Don’t mistake plezzure for happiness; it iz entirely a different breed ov dogs. Thare is a grate deal ov exquisitt plezzure in happiness, but thare iz a grate deal ov plezzure that haz no happiness in it.Thare iz only one thing that i kan think ov now, that i like to see idleness in, and that iz, in mollassiss—i want mi mollassiss slo and eazy.Experience haz the same effekt on most folks that age haz on a goose, it makes them tuffer.“Sewing Sosietys,” are generally places whare the wimmin meet to rip and so—up the naberhood.A lazy man iz one who haz no time to spare; an industrious man iz one who haz more time to spare than he knows what to do with.It takes a smart man to conceal from others what he don’t kno.A lazy man alwus works harder than a bizzy one—the hardest work i kno ov, iz to grunt—it iz harder tew set still, and fite flies, than it iz tew git up and escape from them.KINDLING WOOD.Youngman, when yu hav tew sarch Webster’s Dickshionary tew find words big enuff tew convey yure meaning yu kan make up yure mind that yu don’t mean mutch.We admire modesty in a woman for the same reason that we admire bravery in a man.257Genuine grief iz like penitence, not klamorous but subdued; sorrow from the hous tops and penitence in a market place shows more ambishun than piety.About the best thing that experiense kan do for us iz tew learn us how tew enjoy mizery.It iz a grate art tew kno how tew “gather figs from thistles,”but philosophy teaches it.The reazon whi so phew people are happy in this world iz bekauze they mistake their boddys for their souls.We are poor not from what we need, but from what we want; necissitys are not only natral, but cheap.JOSH’S SAYINS WILL SET THE WORLD ON FIREI had rather hav a drop ov pepmint ile than a quart ov pepmint essence—i had rather drink out ov a spring than tew drink a hundred yards belo, for this reazon, when I read a book it iz one written by an old author whoze thoughts the modern writer haz attempted tew improve bi diluting.This world iz phull ov heros and heroines, and the reason whi so menny ov them live unnoticed iz bekause they adorn every day life and not an ockashun.All suckcessful flirts hav sharp eyes, one eye they keep on yu and one on the other phellow.Vanity iz called a discreditabel pashun, but the good things that men do kan oftner be traced tew their vanity than tew their virtew.258Man iz a hily eddikated animal.Don’t never phrovesy, yung man, for if yu phrovesy wrong, noboddy will forgit it, and if yu phrovesy right noboddy will remember it.Tounge-tied wimmin are very skarse and very valuable.Excentricitys when they are natral are sum indikashun ov a superior mind; thoze who think different from others are apt tew ackt different.Vain men should be treated az boys treat bladders, blo them up till they bust.It iz a grate art tew be superior tew others without letting them kno it.Thare iz not only phun but thare is virtew in a harty laff; animals kant laff and devils won’t.Don’t never quarrel with a loafer. Skurrillity iz hiz trade; yu never kan make him ashamed, but he iz sure tew mak yu.I hav alwus noticed that he iz the best talker whoze thoughts agree with our own.He who ackquires wealth dishonestly iz too corrupt tew enjoy it.When beset with misfortins we should do az the sailors do in a gale—run before the wind.Adversity iz the fire that tempers the iron ov man into steel.I never had a man cum tew me for advise yet but what i soon diskovered that he thought more ov hiz own opinyun than he did ov mine.Edukashun that don’t learn a man how tew think iz like knowing the multiplikashun forward but not bakwards.Suckcess in this life iz like watching for a rat—the rat iz quite az app tew cum out at the other eend ov the hole.Adversity haz the same effek on a phool that a hornet duz on a mule—it sets them tew kiking bak.One ov the privileges ov old age seems tew be tew giv advise that noboddy will phollow, and relating experiences that every boddy distrusts.An ill-natured old man and an old chawed up bull tarrier259are just the things tew set side bi side sumwhare in the sun, and fite flies for amuzement!Vice in the young fills us with horror—in the old, with disgust.Ambishun iz az natral tew the soul ov man az blood iz tew hiz boddy. Thare ain’t a shu blak on the face ov the earth but what beleaves he kan “shine em up” a leetle better than enny one else.The only thing that we are positively sure ov in this life seems tew be the only thing that we think aint never a going tew happen, and that iz—death.The grate desire ov mi life iz tew amuze sumboddy. I had rather be able tew set the multiplikashun table tew sum lively tune than tew hav bin the author ov it.The man who never makes enny blunders seldum makes enny good hits.Truth iz the only thing that Time cannot destroy, and Eternity cannot dispense with.Life iz short, but if yu notis the way most people spend their time, yu would suppoze that life waz everlasting.The grate advantage ov good breeding iz that it makes the phools endurable.The snobs are all either half-breeds or dunghills.Forms and cerimonys are just az mutch necessary in the church az uniforms are in the field; strip an army ov its cockades and brass buttons, and it would bekum a mob.Ill bred people are alwus the most cerimonius, the kitchen alwus beats the parlor in punktillio.If yu want tew be good, all yu hav tew do is tew obey God, luv man, and hate the devil.Politeness iz the cheapest investment I kno ov, it iz like lighting another man’s kandle bi yours.I rather admire the insolent civility ov a bull-tarrier, who only growls when i pass by him, but i never did like it in a man.To be a good critic, requires more brains and judgment than most men possess.260It requires more good judgment to kno when tew talk, than what tew say.The reason whi comik lektring is so hard tew do, iz bekauze most people go tew hear it out ov kuriosity, and kuriosity iz the hardest kind ov a thing tew suit.Good books, mi dear, are the best friends yu kan hav, they never will cloy, and never will betray you.A complasent man makes every boddy pleased with him, and what iz more, pleazed with themselfs.If we couldn’t neither laff nor kry, what miserable kritters we should be.When a man gits so low down that he iz willing tew be despized, he has tuched bottom.After all, great conversashional powers make a man more feared than beloved.In grate crowds ov persons, like grate floks ov birds, thare iz mutch more noise and chattering than sense.Thare are but dredful phew people who kan talk ten minnits tew yu without lugging into the conversashun their bak or stummuk akes.PHISH BAWLS.Sinsare the only things that I repent ov, i never could make ennything repenting ov blunders.I thank the Lord for this, we all ov us hav some good thing tew lay our bad luk to besides ourselfs.Whisky friends are the most unprofitable ones i kno ov, they are alwus reddy tew drink with yu, but when yu are reddy tew drink with them, then theyaint dry.I look upon a pure joke with the same venerashun that i do upon the 10 commandments.Yu kant hire a man tew be honest, he will want hiz wages raized every morning.The most suckcessful men i hav ever known, are those who are konstantly making blunders, but never seem tew kno it.261I kno plenty ov folks who are so kondem kontrary, that if they should fall into the river, they would insist upon floating up stream.One ov the most reliable phrophets i kno ov iz an old hen, they dont phrophesy enny egg, untill after the egg haz happened.Mi opinyun iz, and will kontinue tew be, that the phools hav done about az mutch hurt in this world az the malishus hav.Temper should be curbed, not broken.I dont kno ov enny thing in this world, that iz worth more, than money that iz honestly got, and virteuously spent.The truly great are alwus the eazyest tew approach.Fun, deviltry, and death, lurk in the wine-cup.I wouldn’t undertake tew korrekt a mans sektarian views enny quicker than i would tell him which road tew take at a 4 corners, when i didn’t know miself which waz the right one.I haven’t mutch doubt that man sprung from the monkey, but what bothers me, iz, whare the cussid monkey sprung from.After a man haz got a good opinyun ov himself, the next best thing iz tew hav the good opinyun ov others.Most enny boddy thinks they kan be a good phool, and they kan, but tew play the phool good iz not so handy.It may be a leetle vexashus, but i don’t konsider it enny disgrace tew be bit bi a dog.Abuse generally iz helthy, but sumtimes it cums from so low a source that it don’t do a man enny good.It takes more time and tallents tew be a suckcessful hypokrit than it duz tew be a christian.Thare are but phew things that we suffer more misery from than we do from cowardice.The cluss intimacys ov old age seem tew konsist in kompareing gouts and rumatiss.Mankind in general seem tew take about az mutch pride in bragging ov their faults az ov their virtews.About the best that enny ov us kan do iz tew konceal our phailings.Persons ov the koldest naturs when they do love, love the262fiercest—so green wood when it gits tew burning makes the hottest fire.Suckcess iz az hard tew define az falling oph from a log, a man kant alwuss tell exackly how he did it.Thare iz one pashun (and it iz the meanest one) that no man who haz ever lived, haz been free from, and that iz envy.Indolence iz one ov the strongest pashuns, becauze it iz one ov the most natral ones.Integrity in youth iz allmost certain tew bekum wisdum, and honor in old age.Thare iz no person worth being jealous ov who iz willing tew be the kause ov it.Wise men hav but phew konfidants, and cunning ones, none.Heaven iz ever kind tew us, she puts our humps on our backs, so that we kant see them.The genuine christians are the laffing ones, the man who haz tew watch hiz morality all the time for fear it will kik up its heels iz phull ov the devil’s oats.Hunting for a honest man iz just about as mutch like work az trieing tew trace out a kat’s pedigree.Most ov the excentricitys we meet with amung men iz mere affektashun.Pashunce iz a good thing for a man tew hav, provided he don’t hav too mutch ov it; thare iz a point at which pashunce begins tew be ignorance.Take the mistery out ov things and they lose two-thirds of their attrackshun.When a man iz thoroughly lazy, he iz good for nothing only tew shoot at.Thare would be but mighty phew sekrets in this world if folks would tend tew their own bizness.The man who wears out iz like a nimble sixpence—he iz alwus worth the face, and keeps bright to the last.Yu may make a mistake in a man’s kapacity, but yu kant in hiz vanity.Natur never haff-finishes a job, nor underlets a kontrakt.Take all the dangers out ov this world and it would be a coward’s paradise.263Thare ain’t ennything that will kompletely kure lazyness, but i hav known a seckond wife tew hurry it sum.A good naturd man haz got one ov them kind ov souls that will gro ennything that iz planted in it, good, bad, or indiffirent.Human happiness iz sutch an eazy, simple thing that thoze who hav the most ov it kno it the least.Thare are men in this world whom flattery makes stronger, bekauze it makes them more kareful; but sutch men are skarse.Yu kant larn a piggin tew fli slo, nor a snail tew trot fast.The only safe way for most people tew git along in this world iz tew watch others, and do jist az they do.Human happiness iz like Joseph’s coat—a thing of menny colors.I kant tell which iz the wuss off, the man who iz all hed and no heart, or the one who iz all heart and no hed.Hope iz no flatterer—she cheats every body alike, but after all, iz the best friend we have got.Every boddy seems tew dispize a hippokrit—God, man, and the devil.An idle man iz always a bizzy one—he spends all hiz time hunting for nothing to do.Thare are but phew people in this world who make more trouble than a bizzy phool.Knowledge iz power no doubt, but it iz not always virtew—thare are sum people who only edukate their vices.Every man should kno sumthing ov law—if he knows enuff tew keep out ov it, he iz a pretty good lawyer.Waiting for a ded mans shoes iz just az mean az stealing the shoes before the man dies.The best reformers are thoze who are all the time trieing tew reform themselfs, thus presenting tew the worldonegood example, worth at least a dozen precepts.Rum, dice, and lust bring all men tew one common level.About the only difference between the poor and the ritch, is this, the poorsuffermisery, while the ritch hav tuenjoyit.264The time tew pray is not when we are in a tight spot, but jist as soon as we git out ov it.There iz 2 things in this life for which we are never fully prepared, and that iz twins.Yu ma make a whissel out ov a pig’s tale, but if yu du, you’ll find you’ve spilte a very worthy tale, and got a devilish poor whissel.STRAY CHILDREN.Idontthink thare iz ennything that a man iz remarkable for, that iz more kultivated, than hiz excentricitys.STRAY CHILDREN.Thare iz this diffrence at least, betweenwitandhumor, wit makes yu think, humor makes you laff.I luv praze, but despise flattery.I wouldn’t giv a shilling a pound for religion that yu kant take ennywhere out into the world with yu, even tew a hoss race, if yu hav a mind tew, without losing it.Tew do nothing, and tew be ov no use tew ennyboddy, iz the privilege ov wild beasts.The best way tew convince a phool he iz wrong, iz tew let him hav hiz own way.265The very thing that most men think they have got the most ov, they hav got the least ov, and that iz judgement.A man iz vain just in proportion tew hiz pholly, and wize, just in proportion tew hiz humility.A vain man, flushed with success, spreads himself like a peakock, in a fair day, but when hiz hour ov trial cums, like a peakock, in a wet day, he folds hiz spread, “and steals silently away.”When vice leaves an old man, it iz no ways certain that virtew takes the place ov it, for sin sumtimes quits us bekause it haz nothing to feed on.Alwus foller yure own advise, and let other folks foller theirs.People who havn’t got ennything tew say, kan always find the most tew talk about.Most folks think, if they were tew liv their lives over agin, they would dodifferent, but i hav never heard enny ov them propose to livbetter.It seems very natral for all ov us to think that the world would git along very poorly, if it want forus, and if thare want but one man left on the face ov the earth, he would think just so too.The luxurys ov life, which are so often reprimandid, are after all the prinsipal promoters ov industry.Munny ain’t akumulated so mutch tew satisfy wants, as tew kreate them.It iz a very wize man who is able tew hide his ignorance.Wisdum iz another name for genius, and both are the gift of God.A man kant learn tew be wize, enny more than he kan learn tew be hansum.One man, of good 40 hoss power common sens, iz worth more in the world than a whole drove of geniuses.Fools and drunken men alwus make this mistake, the one thinks they are sensible, and the other alwus think they are sober.Deference iz the best kard i know ov tew play, it iz not266only eazier, but a grate deal more profitable to make 10 men think they are abuv you, than tew make one think you are abuv him.Don’t forgit, yung man, that excesses in youth are a mortgage in favor ov disseaze by and by, which will not fail to forclose and enter on the premises.I hav made a kluss kalkulashun on it, and i find that there aint more than 3 men, now on earth, nor never haint been, who kan kultivate an excentricity with suckcess.I hate a crowd, bekauze crowds are made up ov people who aint ov much ackount, only tew help make up a crowd.Don’t borry nor lend, but if you must do one,lend.Giv me an inkum ov 10 thousand, 500 a year, and i will agree tew be a philosopher the rest ov mi days.He whom prosperity humbles, and adversity strengthens, is the true hero.Faith beats both wisdum and learning.Envy and jealousy are two pashunz, which no man haz ever yet been free from, and yet no man ever admits he iz possessed of them.Take all the good luk out ov this world, and millionaires and heroes would be dredful skarse.Genius, like the yung eagle, don’t hav tew make enny trial trips, but when it iz full fledged, pushes boldly out, even towards the sun.Fortune iz represented az blind, and thoze who receive most ov her favoursgo it blind.If thare want no evil in this world, thare wouldn’t be much wisdum, i suppoze.It iz the little things ov life that makes the burden heavy—to carry a hundred weight at once iz no grate load, but tew hav it put on our backs, a pound at a time, iz.Men are often praized for their sagassity, but all the fore-sight in the world kant tell a dubble yelked egg untill it iz broken.Haven’t yu ever seen a little child tri tew pik up four apples with its little hands at once, and spill at least two ov them?267Men are konstantly trieing the same game, with the same kind ov suckcess.One way tew define love iz, that it makes us pheal phunny and akt phoolish.Love feeds on hopes and fears, and, like the chameleon, takes its color from what it feeds on.Silence makes but phew blunders, and thoze it kan easily korrekt.Thare iz hardly enny man so wicked but that he respekts virtew for the protekshun it affords him.The further advances a man makes in knowledge, the less satisfied he iz with what he knows.Gallantry may possibly be defined az the politeness ov flattery.My yung friend, don’t forgit one thing—however cunning yu may be, the eazyest man in all the world for yu tew cheat iz yureself.Az good a way az i kno ov tew git at enny man’s honesty, iz tew divide what he claims tew hav by four, and then guess at what’s left.The text which haz been most preached from by the human family iz vanity.Thare are az menny old phools in this world az yung ones, and the old ones are the sillyest.The publik judge ov a man by his suckcess.Avarice eats up everything, even ekonemy.Hope iz a blind guide, but whare will you find a better one?I like a wide-awake christian, one whoze virtew has got some kayenne pepper in it.Indolence may not be a crime, but it iz liable tew be at enny time.I am satisfied thare is more imaginary trouble in this world than real.Most ov us, when we repent ov our sins, think it iz a change ov heart, when in fakt, it iz only a fear ov punishment.I hav sumtimes thought that the man with menny vices,268was safer than with one, for the menny vices often wear each other out, while the one wears the man out.Thare iz a time for all things, thare is a time tew pray, and thare iz a time to sayamen, rool up yure sleeves and pitch in.“Reform! Reform!” this iz too often the watchword ov mere charlatans.Thare iz but very phew men whoze wisdum lasts them their lives out.Thare iz hipokrits in vice az well az in virtew; i have seen men affekt the rake and the roue, whoze best holt waz the katekism.It iz hard work for us tew luv a man who haz no faults nor failings.He who sues for suckcess don’t git it so often az he who demands it.Suckcess iz a coquet, and a bashful lover never wins her.No woman yet waz ever satisfied to be a prude, who could be a suckcessfull coquet.Flattery iz just like cheeze, or ennything else we deal in, the supply is alwus regulated bi the demand.If all the vanity should leave this world, haff the virtew would go with it; thare iz no telling how menny ov us are simply proud ov our various virtews.Blood ain’t nothing, munny and clothes iz what tells.The things in this world that are the best done show the least sighns ov labour, yet they are the most diffikult to do; the reason ov this iz, bekauze they are so natral.It iz eazy enuff, perhaps, for us tew tell what we admire, esteem and respekt, in a man, but tew tell what we love ain’t so eazy.Amung the vast number ov phools in this world thare iz only a phew who are born so.Accepting praize that iz not our due iz not mutch better than tew be a receiver of stolen goods.Thoze who have once tasted the joys ovHumilitywill tell yu that it iz the sweetest cup their Heavenly Father ever held to their lips.269INK BRATS.IthankHeaven for one thing, that thare iz not in this wide world a human, or inhuman being, that i would not rather help than hurt. I find this sentiment in mi conscience, or i wouldn’t dare claim it, and i kno mi own conscience better than enny boddy else duz.Better lend yure dimes tew a stranger than yure affeckshuns. Better lend yuredollarsto enny boddy than yuredolors. Silence iz venerable; if thare iz enny thing older than the Creator, it must hav bin silence.Thebutyov gratitude iz that a beggar kan be az grateful az a prince, and thepowerov gratitude iz that “I thank you,” makes the beggar equal tew the prince. A good conscience iz the best friend we kan hav, and a bad one the worst, becauze it never deserts us.Put not oph till to-morrow what can be enjoyed to-day.Marrid life iz too often like a game ov checkers—the grate struggle iz tew git into the king row.Fear makes evry thing and evry body masters over us; it iz the wust slavery thare iz.How common it iz tew see folks laff vividly without meaning enny thing; this i kall heat lightning.I say, owe no man; owing iz but little better than stealing.We are governed more by opinyun than we are bi conscience; this iz giving up a noble prerogative, and playing a very poor seckond fiddle.The man who iz striktly honest, and nothing over, haint got enny thing more tew brag on than a pair ov steelyards haz. Sum ov the meanest cusses i ever knu had got tew be so honest, bi long praktiss, that they could guess at a pound.If a man haint got grit enuff tu stand the temptashun ov a gin cocktail, how kan he fight a real diffikulty when he gits a chance?Awl plezzures are lawful that don’t end in making us feel sorry.The man who kan be proud in the presence ov kings, humble270when he communes with himself, sassy tu poverty, and polite tu truth, iz one ov the boys.Natur duz awl her big and little jobs without making enny furse; the earth goes around the sun, the moon changes, the eklipses, and the pollywog, silently and taillessly, bekums a frog, but man kant even deliver a small-sized 4th ov July orashun without knocking down a mountain or two, and tareing up three or four primeval forests by the bleeding rutes.Dutys are privileges.Liberty iz a just mixture ov freedom, restraint and protektion.Advice iz like kastor-ile, eazy enuff to give, but dredful uneazy tew take.A good conscience iz a foretaste ov heaven.Thare iz few, if enny, more suggestive sights tew a philosopher, than tew lean agin the side ov the wall, and peruse a clean, phatt,andwell disiplined baby, spread out on the floor, trieingtew smasha hammer awl tew pieces with a looking glass.Evry man kan boast ov one admirer.If yu would be successful in corekting the iniquitys ov the people, fire at their vices, not at the people; the trew way to abuze a drunkard iz to brake hiz jug.Life iz a punktuated paragraff, disseazes are the commas, sickness the semicolons, and death the full stop.No man iz ritch who wants enny more than what he haz got.Don’t giv outward appearances awl the credit, the spirit ov a handsum boot iz the little fut that iz in it.I don’t beleaf in bad luck being sot for a man, like a trap, but i hav known lots ov folks, who if thare waz enny fust rate bad luck lieing around loose, would be sure tew git one foot in it enny how.The man who wrote, “I would not liv always, I ask not tew sta,” probably never had been urged sufficiently.Thare iz a kind ov acktive lazyness, it works on its viktims just az the wicked flea duz on the feelings ov an old house dogg, he hopps up quick, but drops down agin sudden, in the same spot.271The man who controls hiz pashuns sits at the helm ov hiz ship.It iz very diffikult tew kalkulate upon suckcess, unless a man sets up for a phool—in this department, i hav known hundreds to succeed, contrary tew their expektashuns.I don’t want enny better evidence that a man iz a phool than tew see him cultivate excentricitys.The man who kan conceal hiz real karakter when he iz drunk, or in a pashion, haz got a giant karakter.I have found out that happiness konsists in working bizzy 12 hours, sleeping 8 hours, and playing checkures 4 hours, out ov every 24.Mankind loves misterys—a hole in the ground, excites more wonder than a star in the heavans.“Experience iz a good schoolmaster,” but reason iz a better one.A Pedant iz a lernt phool—pedantry iz a little knowledge on parade—pedantry iz hypocrasy, without enny malice in it.All the good men in this world hav got the same kind ov religion, it iz only the ded-beats frauds, and hypokrits, whoze religion differs.Pride iz a looking-glass, into which men look, and seeing themselfs, they strut, and stick up their noze at other folks.How on arth kan we trust man kind, or woman kind, when thare aint one out ov ten ov them, dare trust themselfs.Thare iz 2 kinds ov Faith, faith ov the brains, this iz nothing more than shrewdness—and faith ov the heart, this iz humility, haff sister to virtew.Yu will notis one thing, all good talkers are good listeners.Adversity iz a goddess with frozen smiles.If I had the privilege ov making the Eleventh Commandment, it would be this—owe no man.Young ones and dogs?—thoze who are the least able to support them, generally hav the most ov them.Sum folks, az they gro older, gro wizer; but most folks simply gro stubbornner.People travel to learn; most ov them (before they start) should learn to travel.272I don’t beleave in fighting; i am solemly aginst it; but if a man gits teu fighting, i am also solemly aginst hiz gitting licked. After a fight iz once opened, all the virtew thare iz in it iz tew lick the other party.Slander iz like the tin kittle tied to a dorg’s tale—a very good kind ov kittle so long az it ain’t our dorg’s tale.LIGHTNING BUGS.Plezzuresmake folksacquaintedwith each other, but it takes trials, and grief, tew make themknoweach other.LIGHTNING BUGS.It iz a curious fakt, that the meanest pashuns ov our heart are the strongest when we hav grown old, and the best ones, the weakest.Truth dont require the aid ov elegant, and high stepping words, tew express its force, or buty, it iz like water, tastes better out ov a woodden bucket, than it duz out ov a golden goblet.Them folks who are sudden, aint apt tew be solid; lively streams are alwus shallo.Az we gro older, what we gain in experience, we looze in zest, thare iz a real relish in occasionly being phooled.273About the meanest critter thare iz now travelling around loose, on the breast ov the earth, iz a bashful hypokrite.Solitude iz the idleness ov natur.Thare iz az much flop in sum ov our pollyticians, az thare iz in a bukwheat slapjak, on a hot griddle.Amuzements are one ov the wize things ov life, and we should try not to appear in them, more redikilus, than happy.A home that iz filled with contenshun, iz the Devils levee.Cheerful old girls, are the bridesmaids ov sosiety.No man who only luves himself, kan ever taste ov peace.A man who haint got enny pride, iz like a dog, who haint got enny strength to hiz tail.Vanity iz the superstition ov pride.Pure religion iz like good old hyson tea, it cheers, but don’t intoxikate.I often meet in mi travels bigoted christians, who seem tew think, they are the guardian angels ov all the virtew in the world, such men would hav us think, they are bills ov exchange, on the kingdom ov heaven, when in reality, they are only bogus postal currency, which passes amung men, by general consent, provided it iz decently well executed.I prefer an open, and brass-mounted villain tew a soft, tumid, panting hypokrit, who iz az unsafe az a sleeping snake.“Beware ov the dog!” also ov the whispering man, and the loud-talking woman.Piety, like beans, duz the best on a poor sile.A good wife iz a sweet smile from heaven.Angels handle the dice when doublets are thrown in the cradle.If I waz going tew pick up some snake, i certainly should take holt of the further end ov him, this iz the way i handle all ov my subjekts, i find them less guarded thare.A man don’t alwus grow wize az he grows old, but alwus grows old az he grows wize.The biggest phool in this world haint bin born yet; thare iz plenty ov time yet.274A petted child iz like a bile that won’t cum tew a hed.Publik honours, in this country, are quite often like the pcock’s tail, fust rate for a spread, but after they are shut up, the glory goes with the tail.I had rather be a pot-bellied seed cowcumber, flung carelessly on a wood pile to ripen, than tew be an old bachelor.Cannon balls—are the bulbous plants ov Liberty.Thare iz no grater fun for me than tew prick a bladder—windy folks will please make a note ov this.Contentment iz mere instinkt, reazon teaches us that thare ain’t no sich thing, nor hadn’t ought tew be enny sich thing, in this world.About az good a way tew learn people az enny tew respekt yu, iz tew run over them; if yu let them run over yu they certainly won’t.I hope i shall never hav so mutch reputashun that i shan’t feel obliged to be alwus civil.Thare seems tew be this difference between an old widdower and an old bachelor; the widdower livs upon faith, and the bachelor on hope, and this ackounts for the widdower alwus beating the bachelor in a ring fight, for the hand ov beauty.Marrying tew suit other folks iz the prudery ov politeness; i shouldazsoon think ov begging pardon ov a thorn, for running aginst it.An Englishman correkts hiz mistakes before he makes them; a Yankee afterwards.Fashions are made for sum folks, and sum folks are made for fashion.Thoze people who hav a grate deal ov perfekt propriety, i notiss, don’t hav mutch ov enny thing else.Tew enjoy a good reputashun, giv publickly, and steal privately.I hav got a dredful poor opinyun ov all religious creeds; a man who depends upon a creed tew keep him pious, iz no better than he whom the penalty for stealing keeps out ov jail.275PARBOILS.Itis a good sign when praize makes a man behave better. Proverbs, are like arrows, they fly not only fast but straight.Our wants, after awl, make most ov our happiness, when we hav got awl we want, then cums fear lest we loze what we hav got, and thus possession, fails tew be happiness.Dangers are sum like a kold bath, very dangerous while you stand stripped on the bank, but often not only harmless, but invigorating, if you pitch into them.Cunning iz the dishonesty, and therefore the weakness ov wisdum.Wise men are like a watch, they hav open countenances enuff, but dont show their works in their face.Love is a natral pashion ov the heart, while friendship iz a necessary one, and awl hearts, however mutch they love, reserve a sly corner for what they call friendship.About the best that kan be sed ov grate wealth iz, that it iz the means ov grace.When i see a poor, and proud aristokrat, purtiklar about punktillio, he alwus puts me in mind ov a drunken man, trieing tew walk a crack.Take awl the prophecys that hav cum tew pass, and awl that hav caught on the center, and failed tew cum tew time, and make them up into an average, and yer will find, that buying stock, on the Codfish Bank ov Nufoundland, at 50 per cent, for a rise, iz, in comparison, a good spekulatiff bizziness.It iz awl important that fashion should be perfumed with az mutch morality az possible, for it controls more people than law or piety duz.7 per cent haz no rest, nor no religion, it works nights, and Sundays, and even wet days.Thare iz az mutch difference in takt, az thare is in the strength ov gunpowder; sum kinds ov takt, lokate their bullets, not only right between the eyes, but deep in the276meat, while other kinds hit everything but the center; and glance oph at that.Genius iz like a hop vine, it will run, and spread enny how, and hav a whole lot ov haff wild hops on it, but tew be a good krop, it must be poled, and cut back, and suckered.Precept, iz a buck saw,experiencethe elbow grease, that runs the cussed thing.Thare iz this difference between talent, and genius, one iz a blood houn, that follows only by scent, the other a grey houn, that runs only by sight.Thare iz nothing more dangerous tew most men than praize, it iz like filling them up with gunpowder, and putting a slow match tew them.“Do unto others az yu would hav them do unto yu.” Praize in others what yu would like to hav praized in yu, iz the very sublimity ov blowing yure own trumpet.If we would be happy in this world and in the world to cum, we should live az tho this day waz our last here, and tommorow our first in eternity.Ceremony iz the necessity ov phools; good breeding iz the luxury ov the wise.Tew be agreeable iz simply tew be easily pleazed—if this is so, how easy and pleasant it is tew be agreeable.He whom the good praize and wicked hate ought tew be satisfied with hiz reputashun.It has been ascertained, by a learned professor, in Yale College, that the wicked work 50 per cent harder, tew git to hell, than the righteous do, to reach Heaven—what a waste of time and muscle!Thare is menny who wont know enny thing but what they kan prove—this akounts for the little they know. Most people hev found out sumhow, that they “kant serve God and mamon too,” and so they serve mamon.Excentricitys, most ov them, are mere vanity, banish the excentrik man into a wilderness, and he soon bekums az natral a tudstool. A pure heart iz like a looking glass, it keeps no sekrets, and dispenses no flattery.277A cheerful old man, or old woman, iz like the sunny side ov a wood-shed, in the last ov winter.Avarice iz like a grave yard, it takes all that it kan git, and givs nothing back. Paint a humming bird, sucking honey from a flower, and yu hav got a verry good piktur ov love, trieing teu liv upon buty.The best investment I kno ov, iz charity, yu git yure principle back immediately, and draw a dividend every time you think ov it.Everything on this earth iz bought and sold, except air and water, and they would be if a kind Creator had not made the supply too grate for the demand.A good book iz like a good law.Politeness looks well to me in every man, except an undertaker.“Familiarity breeds kontempt.” This only applies tew men, not tew hot bukwheat slapkakes, well buttered and sugared.A man’s reputashun iz something like hiz coat, thare iz certain kemikals that will take the stains and greaze spots out ov it, but it alwus haz a second-handed kind ov a look, and generally smells strong ov the kemikals.We are happy in this world just in proporshun as we make others happy—i stand reddy tew bet 50 dollars on this saying.Politeness iz the science ov gitting down on your knees before folks without getting your pantaloons dirty.The mizer and glutton, two facetious buzzards—one hides hiz store and the other stores hiz hide.Credit iz like chastity; they both ov them kan stand temptashun better than they kan suspicion.NEST EGGS.Itiz hard work when we see a man ketching fish out ov a hole, tew keep from baiting our hook, and throwing in thare too.278Good natur iz the daily bread ov life.The wealth ov a person should be estimated, not bi the amount he haz, but bi the use he makes ov it.Phools, like phishes, alwus run in skools.What chastity iz tew a woman, credit iz tew a man.
WHAT TICKET DO YOU VOTE?
WHAT TICKET DO YOU VOTE?
Poverty and ritches are mere imaginative distinkshuns. The man who kan eat hiz bread and be happy iz certainly richer than he who kant eat it unless it iz spred with butter.
“Vote early and vote often,” is the Politishun’s golden rule. Du unto others az yu would be dun by.
What ticket do you vote?
I never knew but one infidel in mi life, and he had no more courage than a haff drowned kitten jist pulled out ov a swill barrel, and waz az afraid tew die az the devil would be if he waz allowed tew visit this earth, for a short seazon to recruit himself.
Debt iz a trap which a man sets and baits himself and then deliberately gits into.
Disseaze and pills, when they enter a man’s boddy, are like two lawyers when they undertake tew settle hiz affairs, they compromise the matter by laying out the patient.
One good way i kno ov to find happiness iz not by boreing254a hole to fit the plugg, but by making a plugg to fit the hole.
A lie iz like nitro-glycerine,the best ov judges kant tell when it iz going tew bust and skatter confushun.
A kicking cow never lets drive untill jist az the pail iz full, and seldum misses the mark; it iz jist so with sum men’s blunders.
Az the flint kontains the spark, unknown tew itself, which the steel alone kan wake into life, so adversity often reveals tew us hidden gems which prosperity or negligence would forever hav hid.
About one haff the pitty in this world iz not the result ov sorrow, but satisfackshun that it aint our hoss that haz had hiz leg broke.
Most people when they cum tew yu for advice cum tew hav their own opinyuns strengthened, not correkted.
Men seem tew me, now-a-days, tew be divided into slow Christians and wide awake sinners.
Thare iz lots ov folks who are like a pump, not ov enny use tew themselfs, but simply a handle and suckshun for others.
All happiness iz like gold quartz, thare iz four quartz ov stone to one ounce ov gold.
Hope and Debt are partners in trade—Hope hunts up the customers and Debt skins them.
Hunger iz a slut hound on a fresh track.
Toil swets at the brow, but idleness swets all over.
Dispair iz the ashes ov hope, which the wind ov tribulashun skatters.
A man has got about done going down hill when he gits whar he brags on hiz lazyness; such a kritter is ov no more use tew himself nor others than a frozen-tew-death rooster in a barnyard.
He who spends all hiz substance in charity will undoutedly git his reward here and hereafter; but hiz reward here will be the poor-house.
Give a smart child a pack ov kards and a spellin book, and he will larn tew pla a good game ov hi lo jak long before he kan spell a word ov two sillables.
A lie iz good for a short race, but it takes truth tew run the heats—“blood will tell.”
Thare iz a huge number ov souls perambulating around the world who hav bin straining for years after a camel and finally had to swallow a nat.
We should awl aim at perfeckshun, but no one but a phool will expekt tew reach it.
Pride livs on itself, it iz like a raccoon in winter, keep fatt bi sucking its claws.
Laffing devils are the most dangerous. If i had a mule that wouldn’t neither kik nor bite, i should watch him dredful spry till i found out whare hiz malice lay.
Idontkno az it iz a very difficult thing tew be a good injun up in heaven, but tew cum down here and be a good injun, iz just whare the tite spot cums in.
Forgiving our enemys haz the same refreshing effekt upon our souls az it duz tew confess our sins.
What a lamentable cuss man iz, he pittys hiz nabors misfortunes, bi calling them judgments from heaven.
Wize men go thru this world az boys go tew bed in the dark, whistling tew shorten the distance.
“The gods help them who help themselfs.” Upon the same principle mankind praze thoze who praze themselfs.
Falling in love iz like falling into mollassiss, sweet but dreadful dobby.
Hunters and gamblers are poor ekonemists, they kill time, a species ov game that kant be reproduced.
Good breeding iz the art ov avoiding familiarity, and at the same time making the company satisfied with you and pleazed with themselfs.
Tew be happy—take things az they cum, and let them go jist az they cum.
It takes a grate deal of money tew make a man ritch, but it don’t take but little virtew.
It iz the little things ov this life that plague us—
Muskeeters are plenty, elephants skarse.
What an agreeable world this would be tew liv in if we could pump all the pride and selfishness out ov it! It would improve it az much az taking the fire and brimstun out ov the other world.
Don’t mistake plezzure for happiness; it iz entirely a different breed ov dogs. Thare is a grate deal ov exquisitt plezzure in happiness, but thare iz a grate deal ov plezzure that haz no happiness in it.
Thare iz only one thing that i kan think ov now, that i like to see idleness in, and that iz, in mollassiss—i want mi mollassiss slo and eazy.
Experience haz the same effekt on most folks that age haz on a goose, it makes them tuffer.
“Sewing Sosietys,” are generally places whare the wimmin meet to rip and so—up the naberhood.
A lazy man iz one who haz no time to spare; an industrious man iz one who haz more time to spare than he knows what to do with.
It takes a smart man to conceal from others what he don’t kno.
A lazy man alwus works harder than a bizzy one—the hardest work i kno ov, iz to grunt—it iz harder tew set still, and fite flies, than it iz tew git up and escape from them.
Youngman, when yu hav tew sarch Webster’s Dickshionary tew find words big enuff tew convey yure meaning yu kan make up yure mind that yu don’t mean mutch.
We admire modesty in a woman for the same reason that we admire bravery in a man.
Genuine grief iz like penitence, not klamorous but subdued; sorrow from the hous tops and penitence in a market place shows more ambishun than piety.
About the best thing that experiense kan do for us iz tew learn us how tew enjoy mizery.
It iz a grate art tew kno how tew “gather figs from thistles,”but philosophy teaches it.
The reazon whi so phew people are happy in this world iz bekauze they mistake their boddys for their souls.
We are poor not from what we need, but from what we want; necissitys are not only natral, but cheap.
JOSH’S SAYINS WILL SET THE WORLD ON FIRE
I had rather hav a drop ov pepmint ile than a quart ov pepmint essence—i had rather drink out ov a spring than tew drink a hundred yards belo, for this reazon, when I read a book it iz one written by an old author whoze thoughts the modern writer haz attempted tew improve bi diluting.
This world iz phull ov heros and heroines, and the reason whi so menny ov them live unnoticed iz bekause they adorn every day life and not an ockashun.
All suckcessful flirts hav sharp eyes, one eye they keep on yu and one on the other phellow.
Vanity iz called a discreditabel pashun, but the good things that men do kan oftner be traced tew their vanity than tew their virtew.
Man iz a hily eddikated animal.
Don’t never phrovesy, yung man, for if yu phrovesy wrong, noboddy will forgit it, and if yu phrovesy right noboddy will remember it.
Tounge-tied wimmin are very skarse and very valuable.
Excentricitys when they are natral are sum indikashun ov a superior mind; thoze who think different from others are apt tew ackt different.
Vain men should be treated az boys treat bladders, blo them up till they bust.
It iz a grate art tew be superior tew others without letting them kno it.
Thare iz not only phun but thare is virtew in a harty laff; animals kant laff and devils won’t.
Don’t never quarrel with a loafer. Skurrillity iz hiz trade; yu never kan make him ashamed, but he iz sure tew mak yu.
I hav alwus noticed that he iz the best talker whoze thoughts agree with our own.
He who ackquires wealth dishonestly iz too corrupt tew enjoy it.
When beset with misfortins we should do az the sailors do in a gale—run before the wind.
Adversity iz the fire that tempers the iron ov man into steel.
I never had a man cum tew me for advise yet but what i soon diskovered that he thought more ov hiz own opinyun than he did ov mine.
Edukashun that don’t learn a man how tew think iz like knowing the multiplikashun forward but not bakwards.
Suckcess in this life iz like watching for a rat—the rat iz quite az app tew cum out at the other eend ov the hole.
Adversity haz the same effek on a phool that a hornet duz on a mule—it sets them tew kiking bak.
One ov the privileges ov old age seems tew be tew giv advise that noboddy will phollow, and relating experiences that every boddy distrusts.
An ill-natured old man and an old chawed up bull tarrier259are just the things tew set side bi side sumwhare in the sun, and fite flies for amuzement!
Vice in the young fills us with horror—in the old, with disgust.
Ambishun iz az natral tew the soul ov man az blood iz tew hiz boddy. Thare ain’t a shu blak on the face ov the earth but what beleaves he kan “shine em up” a leetle better than enny one else.
The only thing that we are positively sure ov in this life seems tew be the only thing that we think aint never a going tew happen, and that iz—death.
The grate desire ov mi life iz tew amuze sumboddy. I had rather be able tew set the multiplikashun table tew sum lively tune than tew hav bin the author ov it.
The man who never makes enny blunders seldum makes enny good hits.
Truth iz the only thing that Time cannot destroy, and Eternity cannot dispense with.
Life iz short, but if yu notis the way most people spend their time, yu would suppoze that life waz everlasting.
The grate advantage ov good breeding iz that it makes the phools endurable.
The snobs are all either half-breeds or dunghills.
Forms and cerimonys are just az mutch necessary in the church az uniforms are in the field; strip an army ov its cockades and brass buttons, and it would bekum a mob.
Ill bred people are alwus the most cerimonius, the kitchen alwus beats the parlor in punktillio.
If yu want tew be good, all yu hav tew do is tew obey God, luv man, and hate the devil.
Politeness iz the cheapest investment I kno ov, it iz like lighting another man’s kandle bi yours.
I rather admire the insolent civility ov a bull-tarrier, who only growls when i pass by him, but i never did like it in a man.
To be a good critic, requires more brains and judgment than most men possess.
It requires more good judgment to kno when tew talk, than what tew say.
The reason whi comik lektring is so hard tew do, iz bekauze most people go tew hear it out ov kuriosity, and kuriosity iz the hardest kind ov a thing tew suit.
Good books, mi dear, are the best friends yu kan hav, they never will cloy, and never will betray you.
A complasent man makes every boddy pleased with him, and what iz more, pleazed with themselfs.
If we couldn’t neither laff nor kry, what miserable kritters we should be.
When a man gits so low down that he iz willing tew be despized, he has tuched bottom.
After all, great conversashional powers make a man more feared than beloved.
In grate crowds ov persons, like grate floks ov birds, thare iz mutch more noise and chattering than sense.
Thare are but dredful phew people who kan talk ten minnits tew yu without lugging into the conversashun their bak or stummuk akes.
Sinsare the only things that I repent ov, i never could make ennything repenting ov blunders.
I thank the Lord for this, we all ov us hav some good thing tew lay our bad luk to besides ourselfs.
Whisky friends are the most unprofitable ones i kno ov, they are alwus reddy tew drink with yu, but when yu are reddy tew drink with them, then theyaint dry.
I look upon a pure joke with the same venerashun that i do upon the 10 commandments.
Yu kant hire a man tew be honest, he will want hiz wages raized every morning.
The most suckcessful men i hav ever known, are those who are konstantly making blunders, but never seem tew kno it.
I kno plenty ov folks who are so kondem kontrary, that if they should fall into the river, they would insist upon floating up stream.
One ov the most reliable phrophets i kno ov iz an old hen, they dont phrophesy enny egg, untill after the egg haz happened.
Mi opinyun iz, and will kontinue tew be, that the phools hav done about az mutch hurt in this world az the malishus hav.
Temper should be curbed, not broken.
I dont kno ov enny thing in this world, that iz worth more, than money that iz honestly got, and virteuously spent.
The truly great are alwus the eazyest tew approach.
Fun, deviltry, and death, lurk in the wine-cup.
I wouldn’t undertake tew korrekt a mans sektarian views enny quicker than i would tell him which road tew take at a 4 corners, when i didn’t know miself which waz the right one.
I haven’t mutch doubt that man sprung from the monkey, but what bothers me, iz, whare the cussid monkey sprung from.
After a man haz got a good opinyun ov himself, the next best thing iz tew hav the good opinyun ov others.
Most enny boddy thinks they kan be a good phool, and they kan, but tew play the phool good iz not so handy.
It may be a leetle vexashus, but i don’t konsider it enny disgrace tew be bit bi a dog.
Abuse generally iz helthy, but sumtimes it cums from so low a source that it don’t do a man enny good.
It takes more time and tallents tew be a suckcessful hypokrit than it duz tew be a christian.
Thare are but phew things that we suffer more misery from than we do from cowardice.
The cluss intimacys ov old age seem tew konsist in kompareing gouts and rumatiss.
Mankind in general seem tew take about az mutch pride in bragging ov their faults az ov their virtews.
About the best that enny ov us kan do iz tew konceal our phailings.
Persons ov the koldest naturs when they do love, love the262fiercest—so green wood when it gits tew burning makes the hottest fire.
Suckcess iz az hard tew define az falling oph from a log, a man kant alwuss tell exackly how he did it.
Thare iz one pashun (and it iz the meanest one) that no man who haz ever lived, haz been free from, and that iz envy.
Indolence iz one ov the strongest pashuns, becauze it iz one ov the most natral ones.
Integrity in youth iz allmost certain tew bekum wisdum, and honor in old age.
Thare iz no person worth being jealous ov who iz willing tew be the kause ov it.
Wise men hav but phew konfidants, and cunning ones, none.
Heaven iz ever kind tew us, she puts our humps on our backs, so that we kant see them.
The genuine christians are the laffing ones, the man who haz tew watch hiz morality all the time for fear it will kik up its heels iz phull ov the devil’s oats.
Hunting for a honest man iz just about as mutch like work az trieing tew trace out a kat’s pedigree.
Most ov the excentricitys we meet with amung men iz mere affektashun.
Pashunce iz a good thing for a man tew hav, provided he don’t hav too mutch ov it; thare iz a point at which pashunce begins tew be ignorance.
Take the mistery out ov things and they lose two-thirds of their attrackshun.
When a man iz thoroughly lazy, he iz good for nothing only tew shoot at.
Thare would be but mighty phew sekrets in this world if folks would tend tew their own bizness.
The man who wears out iz like a nimble sixpence—he iz alwus worth the face, and keeps bright to the last.
Yu may make a mistake in a man’s kapacity, but yu kant in hiz vanity.
Natur never haff-finishes a job, nor underlets a kontrakt.
Take all the dangers out ov this world and it would be a coward’s paradise.
Thare ain’t ennything that will kompletely kure lazyness, but i hav known a seckond wife tew hurry it sum.
A good naturd man haz got one ov them kind ov souls that will gro ennything that iz planted in it, good, bad, or indiffirent.
Human happiness iz sutch an eazy, simple thing that thoze who hav the most ov it kno it the least.
Thare are men in this world whom flattery makes stronger, bekauze it makes them more kareful; but sutch men are skarse.
Yu kant larn a piggin tew fli slo, nor a snail tew trot fast.
The only safe way for most people tew git along in this world iz tew watch others, and do jist az they do.
Human happiness iz like Joseph’s coat—a thing of menny colors.
I kant tell which iz the wuss off, the man who iz all hed and no heart, or the one who iz all heart and no hed.
Hope iz no flatterer—she cheats every body alike, but after all, iz the best friend we have got.
Every boddy seems tew dispize a hippokrit—God, man, and the devil.
An idle man iz always a bizzy one—he spends all hiz time hunting for nothing to do.
Thare are but phew people in this world who make more trouble than a bizzy phool.
Knowledge iz power no doubt, but it iz not always virtew—thare are sum people who only edukate their vices.
Every man should kno sumthing ov law—if he knows enuff tew keep out ov it, he iz a pretty good lawyer.
Waiting for a ded mans shoes iz just az mean az stealing the shoes before the man dies.
The best reformers are thoze who are all the time trieing tew reform themselfs, thus presenting tew the worldonegood example, worth at least a dozen precepts.
Rum, dice, and lust bring all men tew one common level.
About the only difference between the poor and the ritch, is this, the poorsuffermisery, while the ritch hav tuenjoyit.
The time tew pray is not when we are in a tight spot, but jist as soon as we git out ov it.
There iz 2 things in this life for which we are never fully prepared, and that iz twins.
Yu ma make a whissel out ov a pig’s tale, but if yu du, you’ll find you’ve spilte a very worthy tale, and got a devilish poor whissel.
Idontthink thare iz ennything that a man iz remarkable for, that iz more kultivated, than hiz excentricitys.
STRAY CHILDREN.
STRAY CHILDREN.
Thare iz this diffrence at least, betweenwitandhumor, wit makes yu think, humor makes you laff.
I luv praze, but despise flattery.
I wouldn’t giv a shilling a pound for religion that yu kant take ennywhere out into the world with yu, even tew a hoss race, if yu hav a mind tew, without losing it.
Tew do nothing, and tew be ov no use tew ennyboddy, iz the privilege ov wild beasts.
The best way tew convince a phool he iz wrong, iz tew let him hav hiz own way.
The very thing that most men think they have got the most ov, they hav got the least ov, and that iz judgement.
A man iz vain just in proportion tew hiz pholly, and wize, just in proportion tew hiz humility.
A vain man, flushed with success, spreads himself like a peakock, in a fair day, but when hiz hour ov trial cums, like a peakock, in a wet day, he folds hiz spread, “and steals silently away.”
When vice leaves an old man, it iz no ways certain that virtew takes the place ov it, for sin sumtimes quits us bekause it haz nothing to feed on.
Alwus foller yure own advise, and let other folks foller theirs.
People who havn’t got ennything tew say, kan always find the most tew talk about.
Most folks think, if they were tew liv their lives over agin, they would dodifferent, but i hav never heard enny ov them propose to livbetter.
It seems very natral for all ov us to think that the world would git along very poorly, if it want forus, and if thare want but one man left on the face ov the earth, he would think just so too.
The luxurys ov life, which are so often reprimandid, are after all the prinsipal promoters ov industry.
Munny ain’t akumulated so mutch tew satisfy wants, as tew kreate them.
It iz a very wize man who is able tew hide his ignorance.
Wisdum iz another name for genius, and both are the gift of God.
A man kant learn tew be wize, enny more than he kan learn tew be hansum.
One man, of good 40 hoss power common sens, iz worth more in the world than a whole drove of geniuses.
Fools and drunken men alwus make this mistake, the one thinks they are sensible, and the other alwus think they are sober.
Deference iz the best kard i know ov tew play, it iz not266only eazier, but a grate deal more profitable to make 10 men think they are abuv you, than tew make one think you are abuv him.
Don’t forgit, yung man, that excesses in youth are a mortgage in favor ov disseaze by and by, which will not fail to forclose and enter on the premises.
I hav made a kluss kalkulashun on it, and i find that there aint more than 3 men, now on earth, nor never haint been, who kan kultivate an excentricity with suckcess.
I hate a crowd, bekauze crowds are made up ov people who aint ov much ackount, only tew help make up a crowd.
Don’t borry nor lend, but if you must do one,lend.
Giv me an inkum ov 10 thousand, 500 a year, and i will agree tew be a philosopher the rest ov mi days.
He whom prosperity humbles, and adversity strengthens, is the true hero.
Faith beats both wisdum and learning.
Envy and jealousy are two pashunz, which no man haz ever yet been free from, and yet no man ever admits he iz possessed of them.
Take all the good luk out ov this world, and millionaires and heroes would be dredful skarse.
Genius, like the yung eagle, don’t hav tew make enny trial trips, but when it iz full fledged, pushes boldly out, even towards the sun.
Fortune iz represented az blind, and thoze who receive most ov her favoursgo it blind.
If thare want no evil in this world, thare wouldn’t be much wisdum, i suppoze.
It iz the little things ov life that makes the burden heavy—to carry a hundred weight at once iz no grate load, but tew hav it put on our backs, a pound at a time, iz.
Men are often praized for their sagassity, but all the fore-sight in the world kant tell a dubble yelked egg untill it iz broken.
Haven’t yu ever seen a little child tri tew pik up four apples with its little hands at once, and spill at least two ov them?267Men are konstantly trieing the same game, with the same kind ov suckcess.
One way tew define love iz, that it makes us pheal phunny and akt phoolish.
Love feeds on hopes and fears, and, like the chameleon, takes its color from what it feeds on.
Silence makes but phew blunders, and thoze it kan easily korrekt.
Thare iz hardly enny man so wicked but that he respekts virtew for the protekshun it affords him.
The further advances a man makes in knowledge, the less satisfied he iz with what he knows.
Gallantry may possibly be defined az the politeness ov flattery.
My yung friend, don’t forgit one thing—however cunning yu may be, the eazyest man in all the world for yu tew cheat iz yureself.
Az good a way az i kno ov tew git at enny man’s honesty, iz tew divide what he claims tew hav by four, and then guess at what’s left.
The text which haz been most preached from by the human family iz vanity.
Thare are az menny old phools in this world az yung ones, and the old ones are the sillyest.
The publik judge ov a man by his suckcess.
Avarice eats up everything, even ekonemy.
Hope iz a blind guide, but whare will you find a better one?
I like a wide-awake christian, one whoze virtew has got some kayenne pepper in it.
Indolence may not be a crime, but it iz liable tew be at enny time.
I am satisfied thare is more imaginary trouble in this world than real.
Most ov us, when we repent ov our sins, think it iz a change ov heart, when in fakt, it iz only a fear ov punishment.
I hav sumtimes thought that the man with menny vices,268was safer than with one, for the menny vices often wear each other out, while the one wears the man out.
Thare iz a time for all things, thare is a time tew pray, and thare iz a time to sayamen, rool up yure sleeves and pitch in.
“Reform! Reform!” this iz too often the watchword ov mere charlatans.
Thare iz but very phew men whoze wisdum lasts them their lives out.
Thare iz hipokrits in vice az well az in virtew; i have seen men affekt the rake and the roue, whoze best holt waz the katekism.
It iz hard work for us tew luv a man who haz no faults nor failings.
He who sues for suckcess don’t git it so often az he who demands it.
Suckcess iz a coquet, and a bashful lover never wins her.
No woman yet waz ever satisfied to be a prude, who could be a suckcessfull coquet.
Flattery iz just like cheeze, or ennything else we deal in, the supply is alwus regulated bi the demand.
If all the vanity should leave this world, haff the virtew would go with it; thare iz no telling how menny ov us are simply proud ov our various virtews.
Blood ain’t nothing, munny and clothes iz what tells.
The things in this world that are the best done show the least sighns ov labour, yet they are the most diffikult to do; the reason ov this iz, bekauze they are so natral.
It iz eazy enuff, perhaps, for us tew tell what we admire, esteem and respekt, in a man, but tew tell what we love ain’t so eazy.
Amung the vast number ov phools in this world thare iz only a phew who are born so.
Accepting praize that iz not our due iz not mutch better than tew be a receiver of stolen goods.
Thoze who have once tasted the joys ovHumilitywill tell yu that it iz the sweetest cup their Heavenly Father ever held to their lips.
IthankHeaven for one thing, that thare iz not in this wide world a human, or inhuman being, that i would not rather help than hurt. I find this sentiment in mi conscience, or i wouldn’t dare claim it, and i kno mi own conscience better than enny boddy else duz.
Better lend yure dimes tew a stranger than yure affeckshuns. Better lend yuredollarsto enny boddy than yuredolors. Silence iz venerable; if thare iz enny thing older than the Creator, it must hav bin silence.
Thebutyov gratitude iz that a beggar kan be az grateful az a prince, and thepowerov gratitude iz that “I thank you,” makes the beggar equal tew the prince. A good conscience iz the best friend we kan hav, and a bad one the worst, becauze it never deserts us.
Put not oph till to-morrow what can be enjoyed to-day.
Marrid life iz too often like a game ov checkers—the grate struggle iz tew git into the king row.
Fear makes evry thing and evry body masters over us; it iz the wust slavery thare iz.
How common it iz tew see folks laff vividly without meaning enny thing; this i kall heat lightning.
I say, owe no man; owing iz but little better than stealing.
We are governed more by opinyun than we are bi conscience; this iz giving up a noble prerogative, and playing a very poor seckond fiddle.
The man who iz striktly honest, and nothing over, haint got enny thing more tew brag on than a pair ov steelyards haz. Sum ov the meanest cusses i ever knu had got tew be so honest, bi long praktiss, that they could guess at a pound.
If a man haint got grit enuff tu stand the temptashun ov a gin cocktail, how kan he fight a real diffikulty when he gits a chance?
Awl plezzures are lawful that don’t end in making us feel sorry.
The man who kan be proud in the presence ov kings, humble270when he communes with himself, sassy tu poverty, and polite tu truth, iz one ov the boys.
Natur duz awl her big and little jobs without making enny furse; the earth goes around the sun, the moon changes, the eklipses, and the pollywog, silently and taillessly, bekums a frog, but man kant even deliver a small-sized 4th ov July orashun without knocking down a mountain or two, and tareing up three or four primeval forests by the bleeding rutes.
Dutys are privileges.
Liberty iz a just mixture ov freedom, restraint and protektion.
Advice iz like kastor-ile, eazy enuff to give, but dredful uneazy tew take.
A good conscience iz a foretaste ov heaven.
Thare iz few, if enny, more suggestive sights tew a philosopher, than tew lean agin the side ov the wall, and peruse a clean, phatt,andwell disiplined baby, spread out on the floor, trieingtew smasha hammer awl tew pieces with a looking glass.
Evry man kan boast ov one admirer.
If yu would be successful in corekting the iniquitys ov the people, fire at their vices, not at the people; the trew way to abuze a drunkard iz to brake hiz jug.
Life iz a punktuated paragraff, disseazes are the commas, sickness the semicolons, and death the full stop.
No man iz ritch who wants enny more than what he haz got.
Don’t giv outward appearances awl the credit, the spirit ov a handsum boot iz the little fut that iz in it.
I don’t beleaf in bad luck being sot for a man, like a trap, but i hav known lots ov folks, who if thare waz enny fust rate bad luck lieing around loose, would be sure tew git one foot in it enny how.
The man who wrote, “I would not liv always, I ask not tew sta,” probably never had been urged sufficiently.
Thare iz a kind ov acktive lazyness, it works on its viktims just az the wicked flea duz on the feelings ov an old house dogg, he hopps up quick, but drops down agin sudden, in the same spot.
The man who controls hiz pashuns sits at the helm ov hiz ship.
It iz very diffikult tew kalkulate upon suckcess, unless a man sets up for a phool—in this department, i hav known hundreds to succeed, contrary tew their expektashuns.
I don’t want enny better evidence that a man iz a phool than tew see him cultivate excentricitys.
The man who kan conceal hiz real karakter when he iz drunk, or in a pashion, haz got a giant karakter.
I have found out that happiness konsists in working bizzy 12 hours, sleeping 8 hours, and playing checkures 4 hours, out ov every 24.
Mankind loves misterys—a hole in the ground, excites more wonder than a star in the heavans.
“Experience iz a good schoolmaster,” but reason iz a better one.
A Pedant iz a lernt phool—pedantry iz a little knowledge on parade—pedantry iz hypocrasy, without enny malice in it.
All the good men in this world hav got the same kind ov religion, it iz only the ded-beats frauds, and hypokrits, whoze religion differs.
Pride iz a looking-glass, into which men look, and seeing themselfs, they strut, and stick up their noze at other folks.
How on arth kan we trust man kind, or woman kind, when thare aint one out ov ten ov them, dare trust themselfs.
Thare iz 2 kinds ov Faith, faith ov the brains, this iz nothing more than shrewdness—and faith ov the heart, this iz humility, haff sister to virtew.
Yu will notis one thing, all good talkers are good listeners.
Adversity iz a goddess with frozen smiles.
If I had the privilege ov making the Eleventh Commandment, it would be this—owe no man.
Young ones and dogs?—thoze who are the least able to support them, generally hav the most ov them.
Sum folks, az they gro older, gro wizer; but most folks simply gro stubbornner.
People travel to learn; most ov them (before they start) should learn to travel.
I don’t beleave in fighting; i am solemly aginst it; but if a man gits teu fighting, i am also solemly aginst hiz gitting licked. After a fight iz once opened, all the virtew thare iz in it iz tew lick the other party.
Slander iz like the tin kittle tied to a dorg’s tale—a very good kind ov kittle so long az it ain’t our dorg’s tale.
Plezzuresmake folksacquaintedwith each other, but it takes trials, and grief, tew make themknoweach other.
LIGHTNING BUGS.
LIGHTNING BUGS.
It iz a curious fakt, that the meanest pashuns ov our heart are the strongest when we hav grown old, and the best ones, the weakest.
Truth dont require the aid ov elegant, and high stepping words, tew express its force, or buty, it iz like water, tastes better out ov a woodden bucket, than it duz out ov a golden goblet.
Them folks who are sudden, aint apt tew be solid; lively streams are alwus shallo.
Az we gro older, what we gain in experience, we looze in zest, thare iz a real relish in occasionly being phooled.
About the meanest critter thare iz now travelling around loose, on the breast ov the earth, iz a bashful hypokrite.
Solitude iz the idleness ov natur.
Thare iz az much flop in sum ov our pollyticians, az thare iz in a bukwheat slapjak, on a hot griddle.
Amuzements are one ov the wize things ov life, and we should try not to appear in them, more redikilus, than happy.
A home that iz filled with contenshun, iz the Devils levee.
Cheerful old girls, are the bridesmaids ov sosiety.
No man who only luves himself, kan ever taste ov peace.
A man who haint got enny pride, iz like a dog, who haint got enny strength to hiz tail.
Vanity iz the superstition ov pride.
Pure religion iz like good old hyson tea, it cheers, but don’t intoxikate.
I often meet in mi travels bigoted christians, who seem tew think, they are the guardian angels ov all the virtew in the world, such men would hav us think, they are bills ov exchange, on the kingdom ov heaven, when in reality, they are only bogus postal currency, which passes amung men, by general consent, provided it iz decently well executed.
I prefer an open, and brass-mounted villain tew a soft, tumid, panting hypokrit, who iz az unsafe az a sleeping snake.
“Beware ov the dog!” also ov the whispering man, and the loud-talking woman.
Piety, like beans, duz the best on a poor sile.
A good wife iz a sweet smile from heaven.
Angels handle the dice when doublets are thrown in the cradle.
If I waz going tew pick up some snake, i certainly should take holt of the further end ov him, this iz the way i handle all ov my subjekts, i find them less guarded thare.
A man don’t alwus grow wize az he grows old, but alwus grows old az he grows wize.
The biggest phool in this world haint bin born yet; thare iz plenty ov time yet.
A petted child iz like a bile that won’t cum tew a hed.
Publik honours, in this country, are quite often like the pcock’s tail, fust rate for a spread, but after they are shut up, the glory goes with the tail.
I had rather be a pot-bellied seed cowcumber, flung carelessly on a wood pile to ripen, than tew be an old bachelor.
Cannon balls—are the bulbous plants ov Liberty.
Thare iz no grater fun for me than tew prick a bladder—windy folks will please make a note ov this.
Contentment iz mere instinkt, reazon teaches us that thare ain’t no sich thing, nor hadn’t ought tew be enny sich thing, in this world.
About az good a way tew learn people az enny tew respekt yu, iz tew run over them; if yu let them run over yu they certainly won’t.
I hope i shall never hav so mutch reputashun that i shan’t feel obliged to be alwus civil.
Thare seems tew be this difference between an old widdower and an old bachelor; the widdower livs upon faith, and the bachelor on hope, and this ackounts for the widdower alwus beating the bachelor in a ring fight, for the hand ov beauty.
Marrying tew suit other folks iz the prudery ov politeness; i shouldazsoon think ov begging pardon ov a thorn, for running aginst it.
An Englishman correkts hiz mistakes before he makes them; a Yankee afterwards.
Fashions are made for sum folks, and sum folks are made for fashion.
Thoze people who hav a grate deal ov perfekt propriety, i notiss, don’t hav mutch ov enny thing else.
Tew enjoy a good reputashun, giv publickly, and steal privately.
I hav got a dredful poor opinyun ov all religious creeds; a man who depends upon a creed tew keep him pious, iz no better than he whom the penalty for stealing keeps out ov jail.
Itis a good sign when praize makes a man behave better. Proverbs, are like arrows, they fly not only fast but straight.
Our wants, after awl, make most ov our happiness, when we hav got awl we want, then cums fear lest we loze what we hav got, and thus possession, fails tew be happiness.
Dangers are sum like a kold bath, very dangerous while you stand stripped on the bank, but often not only harmless, but invigorating, if you pitch into them.
Cunning iz the dishonesty, and therefore the weakness ov wisdum.
Wise men are like a watch, they hav open countenances enuff, but dont show their works in their face.
Love is a natral pashion ov the heart, while friendship iz a necessary one, and awl hearts, however mutch they love, reserve a sly corner for what they call friendship.
About the best that kan be sed ov grate wealth iz, that it iz the means ov grace.
When i see a poor, and proud aristokrat, purtiklar about punktillio, he alwus puts me in mind ov a drunken man, trieing tew walk a crack.
Take awl the prophecys that hav cum tew pass, and awl that hav caught on the center, and failed tew cum tew time, and make them up into an average, and yer will find, that buying stock, on the Codfish Bank ov Nufoundland, at 50 per cent, for a rise, iz, in comparison, a good spekulatiff bizziness.
It iz awl important that fashion should be perfumed with az mutch morality az possible, for it controls more people than law or piety duz.
7 per cent haz no rest, nor no religion, it works nights, and Sundays, and even wet days.
Thare iz az mutch difference in takt, az thare is in the strength ov gunpowder; sum kinds ov takt, lokate their bullets, not only right between the eyes, but deep in the276meat, while other kinds hit everything but the center; and glance oph at that.
Genius iz like a hop vine, it will run, and spread enny how, and hav a whole lot ov haff wild hops on it, but tew be a good krop, it must be poled, and cut back, and suckered.
Precept, iz a buck saw,experiencethe elbow grease, that runs the cussed thing.
Thare iz this difference between talent, and genius, one iz a blood houn, that follows only by scent, the other a grey houn, that runs only by sight.
Thare iz nothing more dangerous tew most men than praize, it iz like filling them up with gunpowder, and putting a slow match tew them.
“Do unto others az yu would hav them do unto yu.” Praize in others what yu would like to hav praized in yu, iz the very sublimity ov blowing yure own trumpet.
If we would be happy in this world and in the world to cum, we should live az tho this day waz our last here, and tommorow our first in eternity.
Ceremony iz the necessity ov phools; good breeding iz the luxury ov the wise.
Tew be agreeable iz simply tew be easily pleazed—if this is so, how easy and pleasant it is tew be agreeable.
He whom the good praize and wicked hate ought tew be satisfied with hiz reputashun.
It has been ascertained, by a learned professor, in Yale College, that the wicked work 50 per cent harder, tew git to hell, than the righteous do, to reach Heaven—what a waste of time and muscle!
Thare is menny who wont know enny thing but what they kan prove—this akounts for the little they know. Most people hev found out sumhow, that they “kant serve God and mamon too,” and so they serve mamon.
Excentricitys, most ov them, are mere vanity, banish the excentrik man into a wilderness, and he soon bekums az natral a tudstool. A pure heart iz like a looking glass, it keeps no sekrets, and dispenses no flattery.
A cheerful old man, or old woman, iz like the sunny side ov a wood-shed, in the last ov winter.
Avarice iz like a grave yard, it takes all that it kan git, and givs nothing back. Paint a humming bird, sucking honey from a flower, and yu hav got a verry good piktur ov love, trieing teu liv upon buty.
The best investment I kno ov, iz charity, yu git yure principle back immediately, and draw a dividend every time you think ov it.
Everything on this earth iz bought and sold, except air and water, and they would be if a kind Creator had not made the supply too grate for the demand.
A good book iz like a good law.
Politeness looks well to me in every man, except an undertaker.
“Familiarity breeds kontempt.” This only applies tew men, not tew hot bukwheat slapkakes, well buttered and sugared.
A man’s reputashun iz something like hiz coat, thare iz certain kemikals that will take the stains and greaze spots out ov it, but it alwus haz a second-handed kind ov a look, and generally smells strong ov the kemikals.
We are happy in this world just in proporshun as we make others happy—i stand reddy tew bet 50 dollars on this saying.
Politeness iz the science ov gitting down on your knees before folks without getting your pantaloons dirty.
The mizer and glutton, two facetious buzzards—one hides hiz store and the other stores hiz hide.
Credit iz like chastity; they both ov them kan stand temptashun better than they kan suspicion.
Itiz hard work when we see a man ketching fish out ov a hole, tew keep from baiting our hook, and throwing in thare too.
Good natur iz the daily bread ov life.
The wealth ov a person should be estimated, not bi the amount he haz, but bi the use he makes ov it.
Phools, like phishes, alwus run in skools.
What chastity iz tew a woman, credit iz tew a man.