A FOOLOne egg, per diem, iz all that a hen ought to lay, espeshily nu beginner, but there iz sum smart writers on the subjekt, who claim they ought tew lay two.This needs more testimony.Az an artikle ov diet, thare is but phew things that surpass cooked hen, if eaten in the days ov their youth and innosense, but after they git old, and kross, they kontrakt a habit ov eating tuff.After thinking the thing over, and over, and over, I am still prepared tew say, that a hen is a darn phool, ennyhow you kan fix it.I don’t speak of this as enny disgrace two the hen, it only shows that natur dont even make a phool without a destiny.Az long as hens phill their destiny, eggs won’t git tew be worth over 25 cents a dozen, and broiled chicken will be one ov the luxurys ov life.Thare iz grate proffit, and sum loss, in razeing chickens, thelossiz the heavyest when sum boddy brakes into the chicken coop, and steals all the chickens.Thare iz a grate menny breeds ov hens, just now, but the old-fashioned speckled hen breed iz the most flattering.124After they hav laid an egg, they aint afraid tew say so, and kan outkackle all other breeds ov hens, and when yu come tew scratching up a garden, they are wuth two ov enny other kind.I dont kno ov enny sight that pleases me more than tew see an old speckled hen cum sputtering oph from her nest and pitch, feet fust, into a new made garden.I suppoze if I owned the garden this thing might not look so phunny tew me, but yu see, I dont own enny garden.I belong tew that misfortunate klass ov real estate men who dont own enny garden, and I have sumtimes wondered if it want just about az proffitable for me tew enjoy the skratching up ov the garden, and let them other folks who own the hens and the garden do their own gitting mad and swearing.THE GOTE.Thegote iz a koarse wollen sheep.They hav a split hoof and a whole tail.They hav a good appetite, and a sanguine digestion.They swallo what they eat, and will eat ennything they kan bite.Their moral karakters are not polished, they had rather steal a rotten turnip, out ov a garbage-box, than tew cum honestly bi a pek ov oats.The male gote haz two horns on the ridge ov hiz hed, and a mustash on hiz bottom lip, and iz the plug ugly ov hiz naberhood.A maskuline gote will fite ennything, from an elephant down to hiz shadder on a ded wall.They strike from their but-end, insted ov the shoulder, and are az likely tew hit, az a hammer iz a nailhed.They are a hi seazoned animal, az mutch so az a pound ov assifidity.125They are faithful critters, and will stick tew a friend az long az he livs in a shanty.They kan klime ennything but a greast pole, and kno the way up a rock, az natral az a woodbine.They are az certain tew raize az yung ones, sum familys are haff gotes, and the other haff children. They are good eating when they are yung, but they leave it oph az they git stronger.They are alwus poor in the boddy, but phatt in the stumick, what they eat seems to all go to appetight, yu mite az well agree tew phatt an injun rubber over shew bi filling it with klam shells, az tew raize enny adipoze membrane on the outside bust ov a gote.A phatt gote would be a literary curiosity.They use the same dialekt az the sheep, and the yung ones speak the language more fluently than the parients do.Thare iz only two animals ov the earth that will eat tobakko—one iz a man and tuther iz a gote, but the gote understands it the most, for he swallers the spit, chaw and all.The male gote, when he iz pensiv, iz a venerable and philosophy looking old cuss, and wouldn’t make a bad proffessor ov arithmetik in sum ov our colleges.They are handy at living a longtime, reaching an advanced age without arriving at enny definite konklusion.How long a gote livs without giving it up, thare iz no man now old enuff tew tell.Methuzeler, if hiz memory waz bad at forgetting, mite giv a good-sized guess, but unfortunately for science and this essa, Methuzeler aint here.Gotes will liv in enny klimate, and on enny vittles, except tanbark, and if they ever cum to a square death, it iz a profound sekret, in the hands of a few, to this day.I wouldn’t like tew beleave enny man under oath who had ever seen a maskuline gote acktually die, and stay so.Speaking ov Methuzeler, puts me in mind ov the fackt, if a man should liv now daze, as mutch az he did, and only hav one eye tew see things with, he would hav to hav an addishun bilt onto the back ov hiz head tew sto away things into.126The femail gote iz either the mother, or sister, or cuzzin ov the male gote, ackording tew the prevailing circumstansis in the case, or else i labour under a delusion, i forget witch.They giv milk intuitively about a quart, before it iz watered, in twelve hours, which iz the subjickt ov nourishment in various ways.This milk, whitch is extrakted from the female gote, iz excellent tew finish up yung ones on, but is apt to make them bellycose, and fightful.It iz not unkommon for a babe, while inhaleing this pugnashus fluid, to let oph hiz left colleckshun or diggit and ketch the nurse on the pinnakle ov the smeller, and tap it for claret.This iz a kommon fakt amung irish babes, and explains the reazon whi, in after life, these same babes make such brilliant hits.In writing the history ov the male and female gote tew adorn the pages ov futer times, i flatter miself that i hav stuck tew the truth, and haven’t allowed mi imaginashun tew boss the job.A grate menny ov our best bilt historians are apt tew mistake opinyuns for facts, this iz an eazy mistake tew make, but when i strike a goose, or bed bugg, or gote, yu notis one thing, i stay with them.—Finis.GOOSE TALK.Thegoose is a grass-animal but don’t chaw her cud.They are good livers; about one aker to a goose iz enuff, altho there iz sum folks who thinks one goose tew 175 akers, iz nearer right.These two calculations are so fur apart, it iz difficult tew tell now, which will finally win.127But i don’t think, if i had a farm ov 175 akers, awl paid for, that i would sell it for half what it was worth, just bekauze it didn’t hav but one goose on it. Geese stay well; sum ov our best biographers say, 70 years, and grow tuff tew the last.GOOSE TALK.They lay one egg at once, about the size of a goose egg in which the gosling lies hidd.The gosling iz the goose’s babe.The goose don’t suckle hiz young, but turns him out tew pasture on sumboddy’s vacant lot.They seem tew lack wisdum, but are considered generally sound on the goose.They are good eating, but not good chawing; the reason ov this remains a profound sekret to this day.When the femail goose iz at work hatching, she iz a hard bird tew please; she riles clear up from the bottom in a minnit, and will fight a yoke ov oxen, if they show her the least bit ov sass. The geese iz excellent for feathers, which she sheds every year by the handful.They are also amphibicuss, besides several other kinds ov cuss.But they are mostly cureiss about one thing: they kan haul one leg up into their body, and stand on tuther, awl day, and not tutch ennything with their hands.I take notis, thare ain’t but darn few men kan dew this.128“THE CLAM.”Theclam iz a bulbous plant, and resides on the under side ov the water. He iz born az the birds are, but don’t cum out ov his shell. He iz deserted by his parents at a young and tender age, but don’t bekum clamarous on this akount, but sits still, and keeps watch with hiz mouth, for sumthin tew cum along.Hiz temper iz sed tew be cold and clammy, but he must hav a relish for sumthing, for hiz mouth waters aul the time.Thare iz nothing more docile than the clam, and altho they sumtimes git into a stew, they are az eazy tew lay yure hand on, and ketch, az a stun, but they are like an injun, not very talky; they hav got an impediment in their noize; their lips open with too much titeness, and their mouth iz tew full ov tongue tew be glib.Clams were fust diskovered, az the meazles waz, by being caught. How long a clam kan live I don’t beleaf they kan tell themselfs, probably 5 thousand years, but a large share ov this time iz wasted; a clam’s time aint worth mutch, only tew grow tuff in; it is jiss so with sum other folks I kno ov.SNAILS, SNAIKS, AND BABYS.Theslowest gaited animal on the face ov the earth iz the snail.They are one ov the phew who take their house with them, when they go away from home.Snails are sed tew be delikate eating, but if i kan hav all the hash i want, i will try and struggle along without any snail. You kant phool me with hash, I kno how that iz made, but i don’t kno how snail are put together. Ignorance iz sed tew be bliss, and i hav often thought that it waz, and if i don’t never kno how snails taste, i don’t think now i shall repent ov it.129It haz always been a source ov mutch doubt with me, in mi hours ov contemplashun, which waz made fust, the snail or hiz shell, but if i don’t know even this, i don’t mean tew git mad about it.SPICE BOXI hav grate phaith in enny job that natur turns out, and i had rather hav phaith than knowledge, it saves a grate deal ov hard work. It costs a grate deal to kno all about things, and then yu ain’t certain, but phaith iz cheap, and don’t make enny blunders.Science iz smart, but she kant tell yu what makes the flowers blush so menny different colors, but phaith can. Science on a deth bed iz a pigmy, but phaith iz a giant.STRIPED SNAKE.The striped snake iz one ov the slipperyest jobs that natur ever turned loose.They travel on the lower side ov themselfs, and kan slip out ov sight like blowing out a kandle. They were made for sum good purpose, but i never hav bin informed for what, unless it waz tew hav their heds smashed.They are sed tew be innocent, but they hav got a bad reputashun, and all the innocence in the world won’t kure a bad reputashun.They liv in the grass but seldom git stept on, bekauze they don’t stay long enuff in the right place.130When i waz a little boy, and wore naked feet, and waz loafing around loose for strawberrys, i waz often times just a going tew step on a striped snaik, but it alwus cured me ov strawberrys.If a striped snaik got into a 10-aker lot before i did, i alwus konsidered that all the strawberrys in that lot belonged tew the snaik.“Fust cum, fust sarve,” was mi motto.I am just az fraid ov snaiks now az i waz 40 years ago, and if i should liv tew be az old az Nebudkennezer waz, and go tew grass as he did, one striped snaik would spile 50 akers ov good pasture for me.Wimmin don’t luv snaiks enny more than i do, and i respekt her for this.How on earth Eve waz seduced by a snaik, iz a fust class mistery tew me, and if i hadn’t read it in the bible, i would bet aginst it.I beleave everything thare iz in the bible, the things i kant understand, I beleave the most.I wouldn’t swop oph the phaith i hav got for any living man’s knoweledge.Snaiks are all sorts, and all sizes, and the smaller they are, the more i am afrade ov them.I wouldn’t buy a farm at haff price that had a striped snaik on it.Ded snaik are a weakness with me; i always respekt them, and whenever i see a ded one in the road, i dont drop a tear on him, but i drop another stone on him, for fear he might alter his mind and cum tew life agin, for a snaik hates tew die just az much az a kat duz.I never could ackount for a snaik or a kat hateing tew die so bad, unless it waz bekauze they waz so poorly prepared for deth.BABYS.Babys i luv with all mi heart; they are mi sweetmeats, they warm up mi blood like a gin sling, they krawl into me and131nestle by the side ov mi soul, like a kitten under a cook stove.I hav raized babys miself, and kno what i am talking about.I hav got grandchildren, and they are wuss than the fust krop tew riot amung the feelings.If i could hav mi way, i would change all the human beings now on the face ov the earth back into babys at once, and keep them thare, and make this footstool one grand nussery; but what i should do for wet nusses i don’t kno, nor don’t care.I would like tew have 15 babys now on mi lap, and mi lap ain’t the handyest lap in the world for babys, neither.My lap iz long enuff, but not the widest kind ov a lap.I am a good deal ov a man, but i konsist ov length principally, and when i make a lap ov miself, it iz not a mattrass, but more like a couple ov rails with a jint in them.I can hold more babys in mi lap at once, than any man in Amerika, without spilling one, but it hurts the babys.I never saw a baby in mi life that i didn’t want tew kiss; i am wuss than an old maid in this respekt.I hav seen babys that i hav refused tew kiss untill they had been washt; but the baby want tew blame for this, neither waz i.Thare are folks in this world who say they don’t luv babys, but yu kan depend upon it, when they waz babys sumboddy loved them.Babys luv me, too. I kan take them out ov their mothers’ arms just az eazy az i kan an unfleged bird out ov hiz nest. They luv me bekauze i luv them.And here let me say, for the comfort and consolashun ov all mothers, that whenever they see me on the cars or on the steambote, out ov a job they needn’t hesitate a minnit tew drop a clean, fat baby into mi lap; i will hold it, and kiss it, and be thankful besides.Perhaps thare iz people who don’t envy me all this, but it iz one ov the sharp-cut, well-defined joys ov mi life, mi love for babys and their love for me.Perhaps thare iz people who will call it a weakness, i don’t132care what they call it, bring on the babys. Unkle Josh haz always a kind word and a kiss for the babys.I love babys for the truth thare iz in them, i aint afraid their kiss will betray me, their iz no frauds, ded beats nor counterfits among them.I wish i was a baby (not only once more) but forever-more.“THE CRAB.”Naturis fond ov a joke.She must have felt full ov fun, when she made a soft shell crab. The strongest emotion the crab haz iz tew bite. They aint afrade tew bite a sawlog, or a black bear. They are born in the water, but they kan live out doors on the land as long az they kan find ennything tew bite.They hav several leggs, which are aul lokated on the starboard side ov their person. Crabs liv under cover, like the mud turtles, but they move evry fust ov May, into a new one.They are sed tew be good eating, but you wouldn’t think so tew stand and look at them; it would bother a stranger tew tell where tew begin; it would be a good deal like trying tew make a sudden dinner out ov a kross kut saw.They are biled in a pot, about 3 bushels ov them, until they stop biting, and then they are done, and are et by throwing away the boddy, and sucking the pith out ov the limbs. It is a good deal like trieng tew get the meat out ov a grasshopper’s leggs. It is considered a good day’s work to git one dinner out of biled crabs; I think perhaps a person mite sustane life on them, but he would hav tew work nite and day to do it, and keep a smart man biling crabs aul the time. Crabs bite with their feet, and hang on like a country couzin.ESSA ON SWINE.Hogsgenerally are quadriped.The extreme length ov their antiquity haz never been fully discovered; they existed a long time before the flood, and hav existed a long time since.133There iz a grate deal ov internal revenew in a hog, thare ain’t mutch more waste in them than thare iz in a oyster.Even their tails can be wurked up into whissells.Hogs are good quiet boarders; they alwus eat what iz set before them, and don’t ask enny foolish questions.They never hav enny disseaze but the meazles, and they never hav that but once; once seems to satisfy them.Thare iz a grate menny breeds amongst them.Sum are a close corporation breed, and sum are bilt more apart, like a hemlock slab.Sum are full in the face, like a town clock, and some are az long and lean az a cow-catcher, with a steel pinted noze on them.They kan awl rute well; a hog that kant rute well, haz bin made in vain.They are a short lived animal, and generally die az soon az they git fatt.The hog kan be larnt a grate menny cunning things, such az highsting the front gate off from the hinges, tipping over the swill barrells, and finding a hole in the fence to git into a cornfield,but thare ain’t enny length tew their memory; it iz awful hard work for them tew find the same hole to git out at, espeshly if yu are at all anxious they should.Hogs are very kontrary, and seldom drive well the same way yu are going; they drive the most the other way; this haz never bin fully explained, but speaks volumes for the hog.THE CAT, AND THE KANGAROO.Thecat, iz called a domestik animile,—but i never hav bin able tew tell wharefore.You kant trust one, enney more than yu kan a case ov the gout. Thare iz only one mortal thing, that yu kan trust a cat with, and cum out even, and that iz, a bar ov hard sope.They are az meak as Mosiss, but az full ov develtry az Judus Iskaratt.134THE CAT, AND THE KANGAROO.They will harvest a dozen ov yung chickens for yu, and then steal into the sitting room, az softly az an undertaker, and lay themselfs down on the rug, at yure feet, full ov injured innocence, and chicken, and dream ov their childhood days.All thare iz, sure about a cat, that iz domestik, that i kno ov, iz, that yu kant looze one.You kant looze a cat,—they are az hard to looze, az a bad reputashun iz.You may send one out ov the state, dun up in a meal bag, and marked, “C. O. D.,” and the next morning yu will find him, or her, (accordin tew sex) in the same old spot, along side ov the kitchen stove, reddy tew be stepped on.Cats hav got two good ears for melody, and often make the night atmosphear melodious, with their opera musik.But the most wonderful thing, about a cat, that haz bin diskovered yet, iz their fear ov death.Yu kant induce one, by enny ordinary means, to accept ov death,—they aktually skorn tew die.You may kill one, az much az yu hav a mind to, and they will begin life anew, in a few minnitts, with a more flattering prospektus.Dogs i love, they carry their kridenshuls in their faces, and kant hide them, but the bulk ov cats reputashun lays buried in their stumuk, az unknown tew themselfs, az tew enny boddy else.135Thare iz only one thing, about, that i like, and that iz, they are verry cheap,—a little money,—well invested,—will go a grate ways, in cats.Cats are very plenty in this world, just now, i counted 18 from my boarding house winder, one moon lite night, last summer, and it want a fust rate night for cats neither.The Kangaroo is an overgrown monkey. They are fello-citizens ov Afrika, and spend most ov their lezzure moments on foot. They hav four legs, but their fore legs aint ov mutch use to them; they do most ov their acktual bizzness with their hind legs. They travel a good deal az a frog duz—on the jump.Kangarooes are verry valuabel in their plase, and Afrika iz the plase for them. I hav thought if the whole ov Afrika had been planted with Kangaroos, and none ov it with other peeple, it would hav been full as good a crop to know what to do with.Kangaroos liv upon roots, gras, and herbs, and kan outjump ennything in the wilderness. In the face they resemble the deer, but in the length ov their tails they resemble a whole herd ov deer.A kangaroo’s tail iz a living kuriosity; in its general habits it looks and akts like a rat’s tail, but in size you must multiply it by six thousand and upwards.What on arth a kangaroo wants so mutch tail for haz bothered the philosophers for ages, and i understand, that lately, at one ov their scientifick meetings they hav giv it up.The philosophers git beat oftener than ennybody i kno ov, but they seldom giv a thing up; but the kangaroo’s tail waz too mutch for them.But a kangaroo’s tail don’t bother me enny more than a kite’s tail duz; a bob-tailed kangaroo on the jump would akt just as a bob-tailed kite duz in the air. Whenever i cum acrost ennything in natur that i kant explain, then i kno at once that it iz all right for natur never made enny blunders in the animals; if she has failed ennywhare, it iz in man.136Natur gav man reazon, and showed him how to use it, but man luvs to open the throttle valve and let reazon hum. This ackounts for hiz running oph from the track so often and gitting bust up. I never knu a kangaroo tew bust up.THE CODFISH.Thecodfish iz a child ov the oshun. This ackounts for their being so salt.They are caught with a hook and line, and bite a steel trap, and hang on like a poor relation.They are good eating for a wet day; they are better than an umbreller to keep a man dry.Dried codfish iz one ov the luxurys of life, but codfish three times a day would weaken mi confidence in them.Codfish never venture in fresh water; they would soon spile if they did.I never hav been codfishing miself, but think I should like it better than fishing for frogs.I think i could ketch frogs well enuff, but i should insist upon their taking themselfs off from the hook.I had rather take a boss bumble bee in mi hand than a live frog, not bekause I am afraid the frog would bite, but i am afraid ov their kicking.Sum people ain’t afraid to take ennything with their hands, that they can reach, not even an eel, but if I should ever git caught by an eel, if i couldn’t settle with him, right off, by giving him the hook and line, i would throw the pole into the bargin and put for home.The codfish iz sed tew be an aristokrat, and to keep aloof from the other fish of hiz size in the sea, and claims tew be a relation of the whales, but this looks to me rather fishy.I hav noticed that the codfish alwus haz a stiff upper lip, but I think this iz more owing tew the bone that iz in him than it iz tew his blood.137THE MACKREL.Themackrel iz a game fish. They ought tew be well edukated, for they are always in schools.They are very eazy to bite, and are caught with a piece ov old red flannel pettycoat tied onto a hook.They ain’t the only kind ov fish that are caught by the same kind of bait.Mackrel inhabit the sea, but thoze which inhabit the grocerys alwus taste to me az tho they had been born and fatted on salt.They want a good deal ov freshning before they are eaten, and want a good deal ov freshning afterward.If I can hav plenty of mackrel for brekfasst i can generally make the other two meals out ov cold water.Mackrel are considered by menny folks the best fish that swims, and are called “the salt of the earth.”THE POLLYWOGG.Thepollywogg iz created bi the sides ov the road, out ov thick water, and spends hiz infancy in pollywogging.After he haz got through pollywogging he makes up hiz mind that this world want made for pollywogs and “nothing venture nothing have,” and then he turns hiz attenshun tew bigger things.He looks out upon life with the eye ov wisdum, and studdying the various animals ov creashun, he cums tew the konklusion that the best thing he kan do iz tew bekum a frog.This iz the way that frogs fust cum tew be made, and pollywoggs tew be lost.The pollywogg now leaves the water and spends a part ov hiz summers upon land.He haz tew fite hiz way through life, and generally goes on the jump.Being better at diving than he iz at dodgeing, he often138runs hiz hed aginst sticks and stuns that the boys throw at him, but hiz two mortal enemys are the frenchman and the striped snaik.The frenchman iz satisfied with hiz hind leggs, but the snaik swallows him whole.I have seen sum good time made by the frog, and the snake, the snake after the frog, and the frog after dear life.If the frog kan only reach a tree, and klimb it, he iz safe, for a snake kant travel a tree.I don’t kno az the pollywogg gains ennything by swopping himself oph for a frog, unless it iz experience, but i never hav bin able to diskover much ov enny happiness in experience.If experience ever made a man happy, i should hav happiness to sell, for I am one ov them happy phellows who never found ennything (not even the bite ov a lobster) only through the kindness of experience.THE BULL HEAD.Thisremarkable beast of prey dwells in mill ponds and mud puddles, cluss to the ground, and lives upon young lizzards and dirt.They hav no taste to their mouths, and never spit out ennything that they kan swallo.They have two ugly black thorns sticking out on the sides ov their hed, and are az dangerous tew handle az a six-bladed penknife, with the blades all open to onst.They are like a kat, yu hav got to skin them before they are fit to eat, and after they are thoroughly cooked, if yu set them away in the cupboard until they git cold, they will begin life anew, and bekum az raw az a live mule.They will liv, after they are ded az long az striped snaik kan.I don’t advise enny man to fish for bull heads, but if yu feel az tho yu must, this iz the only best way to do it.139Take a dark, hot, drizzly night in the month ov june; steal out quietly from home; tell yure folks yu are going tew the nabors to borry a setting of hen’s eggs; find a saw log on the banks ov a stagnant mill-pond, one end of which lays in the water; drive the mudturkles and water snaiks oph from the log; straddle the log, and let yure leggs hang down in the water up tew yure garters; bait yure hook with a chunk ov old injun rubber shoe; az fasst az yu pull up the bull heads, take them by the back ov the neck and stab their horns onto the saw log; when yu hav got the saw log stuck full, shoulder the saw log, and leave for home; git up the next morning early, skin the bull heds, and split up the saw log into kindling wood, let yure wife cook them for brekfast, and sware the whole family to keep dark about it.This iz the only respektabel way to hav enneything to do with bull heads.MUDTURKLES.Mudturklesliv in a shell, which tha git verry mutch attached to. Tha are not fond ov company, and seldom receive visitors in their houses. Their food consists prinsipally of what they eat, which tha find wharever tha kan git it. Their style iz haf land, and haf water, and tha are at home on the banks or at the bottom ov a kanal. Tha hav sum eggs, which tha lay in sum warm sand, and ginerally hav them hatched out tew the halves. Tha belong tew the class known az “close korporashuns,” and are a hard animil tew whip, bekause tha alwus fite under cover. The mudturkle kant climb very well, and therefore seldum iz found up a tree. Tha are verry tuff ov life, and will outlive an injun rubber shoe, and don’t seem tew gro old enny faster than a paving stone duz. Tha kan be domestikated without enny trubble; awl yu hav tew dew, iz tew put them into a barrel, and tha aint ap tew stray off far. Mudturkles hav their faults,140but tha won’t lie, nor drink rum, nor chaw terbacker, and tho tha cant trot as fast az sum hosses kan, thare sure tew git tew whare tha go tew, and never brake down on the rode. I take a deep interest in moste awl the animils, and particularly in mudturkles, and i dew hope that the Legislature in their wisdum won’t pass a law “prohibiting enny more mudturkles.” I regret tew hear, that in sum parts ov the kuntry, the people are in the habit of using mudturkles tew pitch quoits with, but I think this wants an affidavy with a revenew stamp onto it.THE FLY.Thefly iz not only a domestik, but a friendly insek, without branes, but happily without guile.SHOO FLY DONT BODER METHE FLY.They make their appearance amung mankind, a good deal az the wind duz, “whare it listeth.”How they are exactly born, i haven’t been able yet tew investigate, but they are so universal at times, that i hav thought, they didn’t wait tew be born, but took the fust good chance that was offered, and cum just az they am.They are sed tew be male and femail, but i dont think they konsider the marriage tie binding, for they look so mutch alike, that it would be a grate waste ov time, finding out wich waz who, and this would lead tew never ending fites, wich iz the rhubarb ov domestik life.141They make their annual visit about the first ov May, but don’t git tew buzzing good till the center ov August.They stay with uz untill kold weather puts in an appearance, and then leave, a good deal az they cum, jist az they am.Menny ov them are kut oph in the flower ov their yuth, and usefullness, but this don’t interfere with their census, for their iz another steps right into their place, and heirs their property.Sum looze their lives bi lighting too near the rim ov a toad’s noze, and fall in, when the tud gaps, and others git badly stuck bi phooling with mollassis.Sum visit the spiders, and are induced tew remain, and thousands find a watery grave, bi gitting drowned in milk cans.The fly iz no respekter ov pussuns, he lights onto the pouting lips ov a sleeping darkey, jist az eazy az he duz onto the buzzum ov the queen ov buty, and will buzz an Alderman, or a hod-carrier, if they git in his way.Flys, moraly konsidered, are like a large share ov the rest ov human folks, they wont settle on a good healthy spot in a man, not if they kan find a spot that iz a leetle raw.Their principal food iz every thing, they will pitch into a ded snaik, or a quarter ov beef, with the same anxiety, and will eat from sun rise, till seven o’clock in the evening, without getting more than haff phull.They will eat more, and hold less, than enny bug we kno ov.The fly haz a remarkable impoverished memory, yu may drive him out ov yure ear; and he will land on yure forhed, hit him aginly, and he enters yure noze, the oftner yu git rid ov him in one spot, the more he gets onto another; the only way tew inculcate him with yure meaning, iz tew smash him up fine.Naturalists dont tell us all about the soshull habits ov the fly, but i beleave they hav temprate habits, and altho they hang around grocerys a good deal, I never saw a fly the wuss for liquor, but i hav often seen liquor the wuss for flies.142They hav a big appetight for gitting into things, they are the fust at the dinner table, and alwus take soup, and dont leave untill the cloth iz removed.Flys see a grate deal ov good sosiety, they are admitted into all circles, and if they remember one haff that they see and hear, what a world ov phunny sekrets they could unfold; but flys are perfekly honarable, and never betray a konfidence.What would sum lovers giv, if they could only git a fly tew blab, but a fly iz a perfek gentleman, he eats oph from your plate, enjoys yure conversashun, sees sights, and haz more phun, and privilege, than a prime minister, or a dressing maid, but when yu cum tew pump him, he iz az dry in the mouth, az a salt codfish.Thare iz sumthing a fly will blow, but he wont blow a sekret.Flys i think, must be born whole, for i never saw a haff born fly, they are all ov a size when yu fust see them, like a paper ov pins, and never git enny smaller.I dont kno ov a more happy, whole souled, honest critter, among the bug dispensation, than a hansum, square bilt fly, taking a free ride in central park, with the Mayor and hiz wife, or a free lunch at Delmonico’s, with the minister from England, and then finishing up the bizzness ov the day, by sleeping upside down, on the ceiling ov my ladys bed chamber.But thare iz plenty ov pholks who kant see enny phun, or religion in a fly, whoze whole aim iz tew set molasses traps for them, tew chase them out ov the house with a sled stake, and then clear across a ploughed lot onto the next farm, tew git up nights in their stocking feet, tew worry them, with the tongs, tew drive them tew the brink ov despair, and finally ruin them, with deth.I thank the Lord i ain’t one ov thoze, i don’t luv a fly enuff, tew leave mi vittles, and fall down flatt on mi stummuk, and worship them, but a fly may cum and sit on mi noze, all day, and chaw hiz cud in silence, if he will only sit still.Flys tickle me, but they don’t make me sware, it takes a143bedd bug, at the hollow ov night, a mean, loafing bed bugg, who steals out ov a krack in the wall, az silently az the swet on a dog’s noze, and then creeps az soft az a shadder, on tew mi tenderest spot, and begins tew bore for my ile, it takes one ov theze foul fiends ov blood, and midnite, tew make me sware, a word ov two sillables.A fly, the dear, little, social innocent, kant make me sware, not even an abreviated dam.I dispize enny men who sware, it iz not only wicked, but always smells ov whiskey.This essa, on the little fly, who visit us, in the spring ov the year, just az they am, will not interest the exceeding literary, or thoze who think they hav discovered poetry in their sile, it takes the essa on the life, and deth, ov an orphan rosebud, or the golden sheen ov a sassy moonbeam, dancing in a budoir tew the dreams ov a restive beauty, it takes sumthing ov this breed, tew fetch them.THE CROW.Nextto the monkey, the crow haz the most deviltry to spare. They are born verry wild, but kan be tamed az eazy az the goat kan, but a tame crow iz aktually wuss than a sore thumb.If thare iz enny thing about the house that they kant git into, it iz bekause the thing ain’t big enuff. I had rather watch a distrikt skool than one tame crow. Crows live on what they kan steal, and they will steal enny thing that aint tied down.They are fond ov meat vittles, and are the first tew hold an inquest over a departed horse, or a still sheep. They are a fine bird tew hunt, but a hard one tew kill; they kan see you 2 miles first, and will smell a gun right through the side ov a mountain.They are not songstirs, altho they hav a good voice to144cultivate, but what they do sing, they seem to understand thoroughly; long praktiss has made them perfekt.The crow iz a tuff bird, and kan stand the heat like a blacksmith, and the cold like a stun wall.They bild their nest among a tree, and lay twice, and both eggs would hatch out if they was laid in a snow bank,—thare aint no such thing as stopping a young crow.Crows are very lengthy; i beleave they live always i never knu one to die a natral deth, and don’t believe they kno how.They are alwus thin in flesh, and are like an injun rubber shew, poor inside and out.They are not considered fine eating, altho i hav read sumwhare ov biled crow, but still i never heard ov the same man hankering for sum biled crow 2 times.This essa on the crow is copied from natur, and if it is true i aint tew blame for it; natur made the crow, i didn’t; if i had i would hav made her more honest and not quite so tuff.THE BUMBLE BEE.TheBumble Bee is one ov natur’s sekrets.They probably hav a destiny to fill, and are probably necessary, if a fellow only knew how.They liv apart from the rest ov mankind, in little circles numbering about 75 or 80 souls.They are born about haying time, and are different from enny bug i know ov; they are the biggest when they are fust born. They resemble sum men in this respekt.Their principle bizziness iz making poor honey, but they don’t make enny to sell.Boys sumtimes rob them out ov a whole summer’s work; but thare is one thing about a bumble bee that boys alwus watch dreadful cluss, and that iz theirhelm.I had rather not hav awl the bumble bee honey that is between here and the city ov Jerusalem, than tew hav a bumble bee hit me with his helm when he cums round suddin.145THE ROBBING.Therobin haz a red brest.They hav a plaintiff song, and sing az tho they waz sorry for sum thing.They are natiffs ov the northern states, but go south to winter.They git their name from their grate ability for robbing a cherry tree.They kan also robin a currant bush fust rate, and are smart on a goose berry.THE NIGHT MAREIf a robin kant find enny thing else tew eat, they aint tew fastidious tew eat a ripe strawberry.They build their nest out ov mud, and straw, and lay 4 eggs, that are speckled.Four yung robbings, in a nest, that are just hatched out, and still on the half-shell, are alwus az reddy for dinner, az a nuzeboy iz.If enny boddy goes near their nest, their mouths all fly open at once, so that yu kan see clear down tew their palates.If it want for the birds, I suppose, ov course, we should all be et up by the catterpillars, and snakes, but i hav thought, it wouldn’t be enny thing more than common politeness, for the robbings, tew let us hav, now, and then, just one ov our own cherriz, tew see how they did taste.146THE SWALLO.Theswallo iz a lively bird.Swallows make their appearance late in the spring, and alwus in a twitter about sumthing.They hav az mutch twitter, as a boarding skool miss.They kan fli az swift az an arrow, and a great deal crookider.I have seen them skim a mill pond, cluss enuff tew take the cream off from it, and even make the frogs dodge, and not touch the water.When the swallo cums, spring haz cum sure, but thare iz an old proverb, (one ov Solomans, i presume,) which sez, “one swallo dont make a spring.”This may be so, but i have seen a spring (ov water), that would make a grate menny swallows.Swallows never hav the dispepshy, they liv upon nothing, and take a grate deal ov exercise in the open air.They dont set up nites busting, and never cheat a taylor out ov hiz bill.They dont waste enny time in the morning making their toilett, but like the flowers, shake oph the dew from their heds, and are reddy for bizzness.I kant think ov enny thing God has made, more harmless than a swallo, they are as innosent az a daizy, and az pure as the air they swim in, they wont live, shut up in a cage, mutch longer, than a trout will.THE BAT.Thebat is a winged mouse.They live very retired during the day, but at nite cum out for a frolik.They fli very mutch unsartin, and ackt az tho they had taken a little too mutch gin.147They look out ov their face like a young owl, and will bite like a snappin turkle.What they are good for i kant tell, and dont believe they kan tell neither.They dont seem tew be bird, beast, nor insek, but a kind of live hash, made out ov all three.If thare want enny bats in this world, i dont suppose the earth would refuse tew revolve on its axis, once in a while, just for fun.But when we cum to think, that thare aint on the face ov the earth, even one bat too mutch, and that thare haint been, sintz the daze ov adam, a single surpluss muskeeters egg, laid by acksident, we kan form sum kind ov an idea, how little we know, and what a poor job we should make ov it, running the machinery of kreashun.Man iz a phool enny how, and the best ov the joke iz, he don’t seem tew kno it.Bats hav a destiny tew fill, and i will bet 4 dollars, they fill it better than we do ours.Bats liv on flies, and hawks liv on bats, but who livs on the hawks, i kant tell.Biled hawk may be good, i never herd enny boddy say it wasn’t, but i dont hope i shall ever be called upon tew decide it.Tew save life, i would eat biled hawk, but if it tastes az i think it duz, i wouldn’t ask for a seckond plate ov it.THE HAWK.Thehawk iz a karniverous foul, and a chickiniverous one too, every good chance he kan git.I hav seen them shut up their wings, and drop doun out ov the skey, like a destroying angel, and pick up a yung goslin in each hand, and sore aloft agin pretty quick.They bild their nests out ov the reach ov civilizashun, so148that no mishionary kan git to them, unless he kan klimb well.Powder and double B shot, iz the only thing that will civilize a hawk clear through, so that he will stay so, and it takes a big charge ov this too.I have fired a double-barrelled gun into them, loaded with fine shot, and it had the same exilirating effekt on them, that 4 quarts ov oats would hav, on an old hoss, it made them more lively for a fu minnits.I hav seen ded hawks, but i never shed enny tears over them.I dont surpose that even hen hawks are made in vain, but i hav wondered, if just enuff ov them, tew preserve an assortment, wouldn’t answer.THE MEDDO MOLE.Themeddo mole iz either a small rat, or a big mouse, i dont kno which.They hav some soft, silken fur, and dig in the ground for a living.They kan bore a hole in the ground fazter than a 2 inch augur kan, and kan travel klear akrost a 10 aker lot, in one night, and never cum once tew the surface.They dont have enny eyes, but see with their ears, and kan see more without seeing anything, than enny rat in amerika.How a meddo mole kan see with their ears iz one ov naturs misterys, and natur luvs misterys, it iz the misterys ov natur that makes mankind respektful.If natur showed all the kards she held in her hand most enny boddy would think they could beat her.But natur makes us guess at about one-half we know, and then laffs at us, in her sleeve, bekauze we dont git it right.I dont kno whether meddo moles are an accredited artikle ov diet or not, i never hav seen their names registered on enny bill of fare, in our grate hotels spelt in english, but thare iz149so mutch meat fixings with french, and dutch names on the bills, that they may be thar.I dont kno how meddo moles are spelt in dutch.A meddo mole mite eat fust rate in dutch, and be kussid common vittles in english.THE POSSUM.Thepossum iz a fello ov the Southern and Western States. He owns a sharp noze, a keen eye, a lean head, a phat boddy, and a poor tail.He enjoys roots, chickens, grass, eggs, green korn, and little mice, and eats what he steals, and steals what he eats.Hiz boddy is kivvered with a hairy kind ov phur, ov a dirty white complexion; hiz feet and fingers resemble therackoon, hiz ears are a trifle smaller than the mules, and hiz tail iz az round az an eel, and az free from capilliaryness as the snaiks stummuk.The possum’s tail bothers me. I hav looked at it bi the hour; i hav studdyed it, and tried tew parse it; i hav figgered on it az cluss az i would a proposishun in Euklid; i hav hung over it az fondly az a kemist; i hav fretted and wondered, hav got mad, wept and swore, and kant tell to this day whi a possum should hav a hairless caudel.If some philosophik mind, out ov a present job, will explain this tale to me, and sho me the mercy ov it, i will explain to him, free from cost, the pucker ov the persimmon, or the vital importance thare iz in being bolegged, two misterys which are only known to the Billings family.The possum iz a lonesum and joyless vagabond, living just near enuff to the smoke ov a chimbly tew pick up a transient goslin or a ten dollar bill, or ennything else that aint stuck fast.Thare iz only one man in this visionary world who seems tew hav an affinity, ov a moral natur, for the possum, and that150iz a darkey. They are the nigger’s poultry and roast lamb.The possum, in poor condishun, is az phull ov phatt as a tallo kandle in the month ov august, but having et possum miself, and biled awl from necessity, i am full ov the opinyun that between the two mi choice would be never agin to take either.Possums alwus hav twins when they hav ennything, and sumtimes an extra one, and they suckle their yung on an entire different principal from the goose.Their skins are a subject of traffick, and are worth in market from nine to ten cents a piece, provided the tail is amputated. A possum’s tail iz not only worthless, but iz a damage to any enterprizing man.Theze skins are colored and made into mink muffs, and sold for twenty-five dollars a head, tew thoze whoze early edukashun has bin neglekted.Thare iz only one thing about a possum’s skin different from a hoss hide, they don’t shed their hair, evry hair is drove in and clinched on tuther side.Possum’s hav butiful white natral teeth, and their mouth iz az full ov them az a kow hide boot iz ov shu pegs.But say what yu will about theze comick geniuses ov natur, they hav got two things that they own and no other animul, feathered, or hairy, possesses them so mutch.I mean tuffness and cunning.If a possum thinks he kant reach hiz hole, in the hollo ov the tree, tew eskape a wandering dog or a stray nigger, he lays himself down level on the opposite side ov hiz belly, and dies az ded az a two dollar watch.The dog will smell ov hiz corpse and pass on, the nigger will rool him over, pheal ov hiz phatt, and konkluding that “dis possum hab been eating pizen;” take him by the tail and send him buzzing into a brush heep.Many a possum haz saved hiz life, and hiz phatt, bi thus loozeing it.I hav often killed them with a klub, sufficiently dead enuff tew bury, and hiding behind a tree, fur a fu minnitts, hav151seen them born agin, and sneak oph into the underbrush.If thare iz enny boddy who don’t beleave this i don’t care, i only write what i know, and don’t hold miself liable for other folks’ ignorance.Possum grease and hoe kake, in equal parts, will phatt a nigger in 60 days, and make hiz face glisten like a piece ov pattent leather.If the possum only had hare on the tail i could account for him fully, but this lack ov the hirsute attachment bothers me.I think now i would giv ten dollars tew be made well on this subjeckt.Altho the possum dies hard, he lives eazy, and i might az well own it, forever, for i have spent a great quantity ov mi life surrounded by possums and other historick vermin, and never heard only ov acksident death in the possum family.The muskrat and the possum hav similar tales, but the muskrat steers himself with hiz while bathing, but the possum never bathes in ennything but chicken blood.The studdy ov natur iz a good risk to take, and will make sum men az phull ov knowledge az an unabridged Webster’s spellin book, while thare iz others that natur nor ennyboddy else haint bin able tew edukate yet.THE CURSID MUSKETO.Dear——:—Yure letter kame safe unto hand last nite bi mail, and i hurry tew repli.The best musketers now in market are raised near Bergen point, in the dominion ov Nu Jersey.They gro thare verry spontaneous, and the market for them iz verry unstiddy—the grate supply injures the demand.Two hundred and fifty to the square inch iz konsidered a paying krop, altho they often beat that.They don’t require enny nussing, and the poorer the land the bigger the yield.152If it want for musketers i dont kno what sum people would do thare tew git a living, for thare iz a grate deal ov kultivated land thare that wont raize ennything else at a proffit.
A FOOL
One egg, per diem, iz all that a hen ought to lay, espeshily nu beginner, but there iz sum smart writers on the subjekt, who claim they ought tew lay two.
This needs more testimony.
Az an artikle ov diet, thare is but phew things that surpass cooked hen, if eaten in the days ov their youth and innosense, but after they git old, and kross, they kontrakt a habit ov eating tuff.
After thinking the thing over, and over, and over, I am still prepared tew say, that a hen is a darn phool, ennyhow you kan fix it.
I don’t speak of this as enny disgrace two the hen, it only shows that natur dont even make a phool without a destiny.
Az long as hens phill their destiny, eggs won’t git tew be worth over 25 cents a dozen, and broiled chicken will be one ov the luxurys ov life.
Thare iz grate proffit, and sum loss, in razeing chickens, thelossiz the heavyest when sum boddy brakes into the chicken coop, and steals all the chickens.
Thare iz a grate menny breeds ov hens, just now, but the old-fashioned speckled hen breed iz the most flattering.
After they hav laid an egg, they aint afraid tew say so, and kan outkackle all other breeds ov hens, and when yu come tew scratching up a garden, they are wuth two ov enny other kind.
I dont kno ov enny sight that pleases me more than tew see an old speckled hen cum sputtering oph from her nest and pitch, feet fust, into a new made garden.
I suppoze if I owned the garden this thing might not look so phunny tew me, but yu see, I dont own enny garden.
I belong tew that misfortunate klass ov real estate men who dont own enny garden, and I have sumtimes wondered if it want just about az proffitable for me tew enjoy the skratching up ov the garden, and let them other folks who own the hens and the garden do their own gitting mad and swearing.
Thegote iz a koarse wollen sheep.
They hav a split hoof and a whole tail.
They hav a good appetite, and a sanguine digestion.
They swallo what they eat, and will eat ennything they kan bite.
Their moral karakters are not polished, they had rather steal a rotten turnip, out ov a garbage-box, than tew cum honestly bi a pek ov oats.
The male gote haz two horns on the ridge ov hiz hed, and a mustash on hiz bottom lip, and iz the plug ugly ov hiz naberhood.
A maskuline gote will fite ennything, from an elephant down to hiz shadder on a ded wall.
They strike from their but-end, insted ov the shoulder, and are az likely tew hit, az a hammer iz a nailhed.
They are a hi seazoned animal, az mutch so az a pound ov assifidity.
They are faithful critters, and will stick tew a friend az long az he livs in a shanty.
They kan klime ennything but a greast pole, and kno the way up a rock, az natral az a woodbine.
They are az certain tew raize az yung ones, sum familys are haff gotes, and the other haff children. They are good eating when they are yung, but they leave it oph az they git stronger.
They are alwus poor in the boddy, but phatt in the stumick, what they eat seems to all go to appetight, yu mite az well agree tew phatt an injun rubber over shew bi filling it with klam shells, az tew raize enny adipoze membrane on the outside bust ov a gote.
A phatt gote would be a literary curiosity.
They use the same dialekt az the sheep, and the yung ones speak the language more fluently than the parients do.
Thare iz only two animals ov the earth that will eat tobakko—one iz a man and tuther iz a gote, but the gote understands it the most, for he swallers the spit, chaw and all.
The male gote, when he iz pensiv, iz a venerable and philosophy looking old cuss, and wouldn’t make a bad proffessor ov arithmetik in sum ov our colleges.
They are handy at living a longtime, reaching an advanced age without arriving at enny definite konklusion.
How long a gote livs without giving it up, thare iz no man now old enuff tew tell.
Methuzeler, if hiz memory waz bad at forgetting, mite giv a good-sized guess, but unfortunately for science and this essa, Methuzeler aint here.
Gotes will liv in enny klimate, and on enny vittles, except tanbark, and if they ever cum to a square death, it iz a profound sekret, in the hands of a few, to this day.
I wouldn’t like tew beleave enny man under oath who had ever seen a maskuline gote acktually die, and stay so.
Speaking ov Methuzeler, puts me in mind ov the fackt, if a man should liv now daze, as mutch az he did, and only hav one eye tew see things with, he would hav to hav an addishun bilt onto the back ov hiz head tew sto away things into.
The femail gote iz either the mother, or sister, or cuzzin ov the male gote, ackording tew the prevailing circumstansis in the case, or else i labour under a delusion, i forget witch.
They giv milk intuitively about a quart, before it iz watered, in twelve hours, which iz the subjickt ov nourishment in various ways.
This milk, whitch is extrakted from the female gote, iz excellent tew finish up yung ones on, but is apt to make them bellycose, and fightful.
It iz not unkommon for a babe, while inhaleing this pugnashus fluid, to let oph hiz left colleckshun or diggit and ketch the nurse on the pinnakle ov the smeller, and tap it for claret.
This iz a kommon fakt amung irish babes, and explains the reazon whi, in after life, these same babes make such brilliant hits.
In writing the history ov the male and female gote tew adorn the pages ov futer times, i flatter miself that i hav stuck tew the truth, and haven’t allowed mi imaginashun tew boss the job.
A grate menny ov our best bilt historians are apt tew mistake opinyuns for facts, this iz an eazy mistake tew make, but when i strike a goose, or bed bugg, or gote, yu notis one thing, i stay with them.—Finis.
Thegoose is a grass-animal but don’t chaw her cud.
They are good livers; about one aker to a goose iz enuff, altho there iz sum folks who thinks one goose tew 175 akers, iz nearer right.
These two calculations are so fur apart, it iz difficult tew tell now, which will finally win.
But i don’t think, if i had a farm ov 175 akers, awl paid for, that i would sell it for half what it was worth, just bekauze it didn’t hav but one goose on it. Geese stay well; sum ov our best biographers say, 70 years, and grow tuff tew the last.
GOOSE TALK.
GOOSE TALK.
They lay one egg at once, about the size of a goose egg in which the gosling lies hidd.
The gosling iz the goose’s babe.
The goose don’t suckle hiz young, but turns him out tew pasture on sumboddy’s vacant lot.
They seem tew lack wisdum, but are considered generally sound on the goose.
They are good eating, but not good chawing; the reason ov this remains a profound sekret to this day.
When the femail goose iz at work hatching, she iz a hard bird tew please; she riles clear up from the bottom in a minnit, and will fight a yoke ov oxen, if they show her the least bit ov sass. The geese iz excellent for feathers, which she sheds every year by the handful.
They are also amphibicuss, besides several other kinds ov cuss.
But they are mostly cureiss about one thing: they kan haul one leg up into their body, and stand on tuther, awl day, and not tutch ennything with their hands.
I take notis, thare ain’t but darn few men kan dew this.
Theclam iz a bulbous plant, and resides on the under side ov the water. He iz born az the birds are, but don’t cum out ov his shell. He iz deserted by his parents at a young and tender age, but don’t bekum clamarous on this akount, but sits still, and keeps watch with hiz mouth, for sumthin tew cum along.
Hiz temper iz sed tew be cold and clammy, but he must hav a relish for sumthing, for hiz mouth waters aul the time.
Thare iz nothing more docile than the clam, and altho they sumtimes git into a stew, they are az eazy tew lay yure hand on, and ketch, az a stun, but they are like an injun, not very talky; they hav got an impediment in their noize; their lips open with too much titeness, and their mouth iz tew full ov tongue tew be glib.
Clams were fust diskovered, az the meazles waz, by being caught. How long a clam kan live I don’t beleaf they kan tell themselfs, probably 5 thousand years, but a large share ov this time iz wasted; a clam’s time aint worth mutch, only tew grow tuff in; it is jiss so with sum other folks I kno ov.
Theslowest gaited animal on the face ov the earth iz the snail.
They are one ov the phew who take their house with them, when they go away from home.
Snails are sed tew be delikate eating, but if i kan hav all the hash i want, i will try and struggle along without any snail. You kant phool me with hash, I kno how that iz made, but i don’t kno how snail are put together. Ignorance iz sed tew be bliss, and i hav often thought that it waz, and if i don’t never kno how snails taste, i don’t think now i shall repent ov it.
It haz always been a source ov mutch doubt with me, in mi hours ov contemplashun, which waz made fust, the snail or hiz shell, but if i don’t know even this, i don’t mean tew git mad about it.
SPICE BOX
I hav grate phaith in enny job that natur turns out, and i had rather hav phaith than knowledge, it saves a grate deal ov hard work. It costs a grate deal to kno all about things, and then yu ain’t certain, but phaith iz cheap, and don’t make enny blunders.
Science iz smart, but she kant tell yu what makes the flowers blush so menny different colors, but phaith can. Science on a deth bed iz a pigmy, but phaith iz a giant.
The striped snake iz one ov the slipperyest jobs that natur ever turned loose.
They travel on the lower side ov themselfs, and kan slip out ov sight like blowing out a kandle. They were made for sum good purpose, but i never hav bin informed for what, unless it waz tew hav their heds smashed.
They are sed tew be innocent, but they hav got a bad reputashun, and all the innocence in the world won’t kure a bad reputashun.
They liv in the grass but seldom git stept on, bekauze they don’t stay long enuff in the right place.
When i waz a little boy, and wore naked feet, and waz loafing around loose for strawberrys, i waz often times just a going tew step on a striped snaik, but it alwus cured me ov strawberrys.
If a striped snaik got into a 10-aker lot before i did, i alwus konsidered that all the strawberrys in that lot belonged tew the snaik.
“Fust cum, fust sarve,” was mi motto.
I am just az fraid ov snaiks now az i waz 40 years ago, and if i should liv tew be az old az Nebudkennezer waz, and go tew grass as he did, one striped snaik would spile 50 akers ov good pasture for me.
Wimmin don’t luv snaiks enny more than i do, and i respekt her for this.
How on earth Eve waz seduced by a snaik, iz a fust class mistery tew me, and if i hadn’t read it in the bible, i would bet aginst it.
I beleave everything thare iz in the bible, the things i kant understand, I beleave the most.
I wouldn’t swop oph the phaith i hav got for any living man’s knoweledge.
Snaiks are all sorts, and all sizes, and the smaller they are, the more i am afrade ov them.
I wouldn’t buy a farm at haff price that had a striped snaik on it.
Ded snaik are a weakness with me; i always respekt them, and whenever i see a ded one in the road, i dont drop a tear on him, but i drop another stone on him, for fear he might alter his mind and cum tew life agin, for a snaik hates tew die just az much az a kat duz.
I never could ackount for a snaik or a kat hateing tew die so bad, unless it waz bekauze they waz so poorly prepared for deth.
Babys i luv with all mi heart; they are mi sweetmeats, they warm up mi blood like a gin sling, they krawl into me and131nestle by the side ov mi soul, like a kitten under a cook stove.
I hav raized babys miself, and kno what i am talking about.
I hav got grandchildren, and they are wuss than the fust krop tew riot amung the feelings.
If i could hav mi way, i would change all the human beings now on the face ov the earth back into babys at once, and keep them thare, and make this footstool one grand nussery; but what i should do for wet nusses i don’t kno, nor don’t care.
I would like tew have 15 babys now on mi lap, and mi lap ain’t the handyest lap in the world for babys, neither.
My lap iz long enuff, but not the widest kind ov a lap.
I am a good deal ov a man, but i konsist ov length principally, and when i make a lap ov miself, it iz not a mattrass, but more like a couple ov rails with a jint in them.
I can hold more babys in mi lap at once, than any man in Amerika, without spilling one, but it hurts the babys.
I never saw a baby in mi life that i didn’t want tew kiss; i am wuss than an old maid in this respekt.
I hav seen babys that i hav refused tew kiss untill they had been washt; but the baby want tew blame for this, neither waz i.
Thare are folks in this world who say they don’t luv babys, but yu kan depend upon it, when they waz babys sumboddy loved them.
Babys luv me, too. I kan take them out ov their mothers’ arms just az eazy az i kan an unfleged bird out ov hiz nest. They luv me bekauze i luv them.
And here let me say, for the comfort and consolashun ov all mothers, that whenever they see me on the cars or on the steambote, out ov a job they needn’t hesitate a minnit tew drop a clean, fat baby into mi lap; i will hold it, and kiss it, and be thankful besides.
Perhaps thare iz people who don’t envy me all this, but it iz one ov the sharp-cut, well-defined joys ov mi life, mi love for babys and their love for me.
Perhaps thare iz people who will call it a weakness, i don’t132care what they call it, bring on the babys. Unkle Josh haz always a kind word and a kiss for the babys.
I love babys for the truth thare iz in them, i aint afraid their kiss will betray me, their iz no frauds, ded beats nor counterfits among them.
I wish i was a baby (not only once more) but forever-more.
Naturis fond ov a joke.
She must have felt full ov fun, when she made a soft shell crab. The strongest emotion the crab haz iz tew bite. They aint afrade tew bite a sawlog, or a black bear. They are born in the water, but they kan live out doors on the land as long az they kan find ennything tew bite.
They hav several leggs, which are aul lokated on the starboard side ov their person. Crabs liv under cover, like the mud turtles, but they move evry fust ov May, into a new one.
They are sed tew be good eating, but you wouldn’t think so tew stand and look at them; it would bother a stranger tew tell where tew begin; it would be a good deal like trying tew make a sudden dinner out ov a kross kut saw.
They are biled in a pot, about 3 bushels ov them, until they stop biting, and then they are done, and are et by throwing away the boddy, and sucking the pith out ov the limbs. It is a good deal like trieng tew get the meat out ov a grasshopper’s leggs. It is considered a good day’s work to git one dinner out of biled crabs; I think perhaps a person mite sustane life on them, but he would hav tew work nite and day to do it, and keep a smart man biling crabs aul the time. Crabs bite with their feet, and hang on like a country couzin.
Hogsgenerally are quadriped.
The extreme length ov their antiquity haz never been fully discovered; they existed a long time before the flood, and hav existed a long time since.
There iz a grate deal ov internal revenew in a hog, thare ain’t mutch more waste in them than thare iz in a oyster.
Even their tails can be wurked up into whissells.
Hogs are good quiet boarders; they alwus eat what iz set before them, and don’t ask enny foolish questions.
They never hav enny disseaze but the meazles, and they never hav that but once; once seems to satisfy them.
Thare iz a grate menny breeds amongst them.
Sum are a close corporation breed, and sum are bilt more apart, like a hemlock slab.
Sum are full in the face, like a town clock, and some are az long and lean az a cow-catcher, with a steel pinted noze on them.
They kan awl rute well; a hog that kant rute well, haz bin made in vain.
They are a short lived animal, and generally die az soon az they git fatt.
The hog kan be larnt a grate menny cunning things, such az highsting the front gate off from the hinges, tipping over the swill barrells, and finding a hole in the fence to git into a cornfield,but thare ain’t enny length tew their memory; it iz awful hard work for them tew find the same hole to git out at, espeshly if yu are at all anxious they should.
Hogs are very kontrary, and seldom drive well the same way yu are going; they drive the most the other way; this haz never bin fully explained, but speaks volumes for the hog.
Thecat, iz called a domestik animile,—but i never hav bin able tew tell wharefore.
You kant trust one, enney more than yu kan a case ov the gout. Thare iz only one mortal thing, that yu kan trust a cat with, and cum out even, and that iz, a bar ov hard sope.
They are az meak as Mosiss, but az full ov develtry az Judus Iskaratt.
THE CAT, AND THE KANGAROO.
THE CAT, AND THE KANGAROO.
They will harvest a dozen ov yung chickens for yu, and then steal into the sitting room, az softly az an undertaker, and lay themselfs down on the rug, at yure feet, full ov injured innocence, and chicken, and dream ov their childhood days.
All thare iz, sure about a cat, that iz domestik, that i kno ov, iz, that yu kant looze one.
You kant looze a cat,—they are az hard to looze, az a bad reputashun iz.
You may send one out ov the state, dun up in a meal bag, and marked, “C. O. D.,” and the next morning yu will find him, or her, (accordin tew sex) in the same old spot, along side ov the kitchen stove, reddy tew be stepped on.
Cats hav got two good ears for melody, and often make the night atmosphear melodious, with their opera musik.
But the most wonderful thing, about a cat, that haz bin diskovered yet, iz their fear ov death.
Yu kant induce one, by enny ordinary means, to accept ov death,—they aktually skorn tew die.
You may kill one, az much az yu hav a mind to, and they will begin life anew, in a few minnitts, with a more flattering prospektus.
Dogs i love, they carry their kridenshuls in their faces, and kant hide them, but the bulk ov cats reputashun lays buried in their stumuk, az unknown tew themselfs, az tew enny boddy else.
Thare iz only one thing, about, that i like, and that iz, they are verry cheap,—a little money,—well invested,—will go a grate ways, in cats.
Cats are very plenty in this world, just now, i counted 18 from my boarding house winder, one moon lite night, last summer, and it want a fust rate night for cats neither.
The Kangaroo is an overgrown monkey. They are fello-citizens ov Afrika, and spend most ov their lezzure moments on foot. They hav four legs, but their fore legs aint ov mutch use to them; they do most ov their acktual bizzness with their hind legs. They travel a good deal az a frog duz—on the jump.
Kangarooes are verry valuabel in their plase, and Afrika iz the plase for them. I hav thought if the whole ov Afrika had been planted with Kangaroos, and none ov it with other peeple, it would hav been full as good a crop to know what to do with.
Kangaroos liv upon roots, gras, and herbs, and kan outjump ennything in the wilderness. In the face they resemble the deer, but in the length ov their tails they resemble a whole herd ov deer.
A kangaroo’s tail iz a living kuriosity; in its general habits it looks and akts like a rat’s tail, but in size you must multiply it by six thousand and upwards.
What on arth a kangaroo wants so mutch tail for haz bothered the philosophers for ages, and i understand, that lately, at one ov their scientifick meetings they hav giv it up.
The philosophers git beat oftener than ennybody i kno ov, but they seldom giv a thing up; but the kangaroo’s tail waz too mutch for them.
But a kangaroo’s tail don’t bother me enny more than a kite’s tail duz; a bob-tailed kangaroo on the jump would akt just as a bob-tailed kite duz in the air. Whenever i cum acrost ennything in natur that i kant explain, then i kno at once that it iz all right for natur never made enny blunders in the animals; if she has failed ennywhare, it iz in man.
Natur gav man reazon, and showed him how to use it, but man luvs to open the throttle valve and let reazon hum. This ackounts for hiz running oph from the track so often and gitting bust up. I never knu a kangaroo tew bust up.
Thecodfish iz a child ov the oshun. This ackounts for their being so salt.
They are caught with a hook and line, and bite a steel trap, and hang on like a poor relation.
They are good eating for a wet day; they are better than an umbreller to keep a man dry.
Dried codfish iz one ov the luxurys of life, but codfish three times a day would weaken mi confidence in them.
Codfish never venture in fresh water; they would soon spile if they did.
I never hav been codfishing miself, but think I should like it better than fishing for frogs.
I think i could ketch frogs well enuff, but i should insist upon their taking themselfs off from the hook.
I had rather take a boss bumble bee in mi hand than a live frog, not bekause I am afraid the frog would bite, but i am afraid ov their kicking.
Sum people ain’t afraid to take ennything with their hands, that they can reach, not even an eel, but if I should ever git caught by an eel, if i couldn’t settle with him, right off, by giving him the hook and line, i would throw the pole into the bargin and put for home.
The codfish iz sed tew be an aristokrat, and to keep aloof from the other fish of hiz size in the sea, and claims tew be a relation of the whales, but this looks to me rather fishy.
I hav noticed that the codfish alwus haz a stiff upper lip, but I think this iz more owing tew the bone that iz in him than it iz tew his blood.
Themackrel iz a game fish. They ought tew be well edukated, for they are always in schools.
They are very eazy to bite, and are caught with a piece ov old red flannel pettycoat tied onto a hook.
They ain’t the only kind ov fish that are caught by the same kind of bait.
Mackrel inhabit the sea, but thoze which inhabit the grocerys alwus taste to me az tho they had been born and fatted on salt.
They want a good deal ov freshning before they are eaten, and want a good deal ov freshning afterward.
If I can hav plenty of mackrel for brekfasst i can generally make the other two meals out ov cold water.
Mackrel are considered by menny folks the best fish that swims, and are called “the salt of the earth.”
Thepollywogg iz created bi the sides ov the road, out ov thick water, and spends hiz infancy in pollywogging.
After he haz got through pollywogging he makes up hiz mind that this world want made for pollywogs and “nothing venture nothing have,” and then he turns hiz attenshun tew bigger things.
He looks out upon life with the eye ov wisdum, and studdying the various animals ov creashun, he cums tew the konklusion that the best thing he kan do iz tew bekum a frog.
This iz the way that frogs fust cum tew be made, and pollywoggs tew be lost.
The pollywogg now leaves the water and spends a part ov hiz summers upon land.
He haz tew fite hiz way through life, and generally goes on the jump.
Being better at diving than he iz at dodgeing, he often138runs hiz hed aginst sticks and stuns that the boys throw at him, but hiz two mortal enemys are the frenchman and the striped snaik.
The frenchman iz satisfied with hiz hind leggs, but the snaik swallows him whole.
I have seen sum good time made by the frog, and the snake, the snake after the frog, and the frog after dear life.
If the frog kan only reach a tree, and klimb it, he iz safe, for a snake kant travel a tree.
I don’t kno az the pollywogg gains ennything by swopping himself oph for a frog, unless it iz experience, but i never hav bin able to diskover much ov enny happiness in experience.
If experience ever made a man happy, i should hav happiness to sell, for I am one ov them happy phellows who never found ennything (not even the bite ov a lobster) only through the kindness of experience.
Thisremarkable beast of prey dwells in mill ponds and mud puddles, cluss to the ground, and lives upon young lizzards and dirt.
They hav no taste to their mouths, and never spit out ennything that they kan swallo.
They have two ugly black thorns sticking out on the sides ov their hed, and are az dangerous tew handle az a six-bladed penknife, with the blades all open to onst.
They are like a kat, yu hav got to skin them before they are fit to eat, and after they are thoroughly cooked, if yu set them away in the cupboard until they git cold, they will begin life anew, and bekum az raw az a live mule.
They will liv, after they are ded az long az striped snaik kan.
I don’t advise enny man to fish for bull heads, but if yu feel az tho yu must, this iz the only best way to do it.
Take a dark, hot, drizzly night in the month ov june; steal out quietly from home; tell yure folks yu are going tew the nabors to borry a setting of hen’s eggs; find a saw log on the banks ov a stagnant mill-pond, one end of which lays in the water; drive the mudturkles and water snaiks oph from the log; straddle the log, and let yure leggs hang down in the water up tew yure garters; bait yure hook with a chunk ov old injun rubber shoe; az fasst az yu pull up the bull heads, take them by the back ov the neck and stab their horns onto the saw log; when yu hav got the saw log stuck full, shoulder the saw log, and leave for home; git up the next morning early, skin the bull heds, and split up the saw log into kindling wood, let yure wife cook them for brekfast, and sware the whole family to keep dark about it.
This iz the only respektabel way to hav enneything to do with bull heads.
Mudturklesliv in a shell, which tha git verry mutch attached to. Tha are not fond ov company, and seldom receive visitors in their houses. Their food consists prinsipally of what they eat, which tha find wharever tha kan git it. Their style iz haf land, and haf water, and tha are at home on the banks or at the bottom ov a kanal. Tha hav sum eggs, which tha lay in sum warm sand, and ginerally hav them hatched out tew the halves. Tha belong tew the class known az “close korporashuns,” and are a hard animil tew whip, bekause tha alwus fite under cover. The mudturkle kant climb very well, and therefore seldum iz found up a tree. Tha are verry tuff ov life, and will outlive an injun rubber shoe, and don’t seem tew gro old enny faster than a paving stone duz. Tha kan be domestikated without enny trubble; awl yu hav tew dew, iz tew put them into a barrel, and tha aint ap tew stray off far. Mudturkles hav their faults,140but tha won’t lie, nor drink rum, nor chaw terbacker, and tho tha cant trot as fast az sum hosses kan, thare sure tew git tew whare tha go tew, and never brake down on the rode. I take a deep interest in moste awl the animils, and particularly in mudturkles, and i dew hope that the Legislature in their wisdum won’t pass a law “prohibiting enny more mudturkles.” I regret tew hear, that in sum parts ov the kuntry, the people are in the habit of using mudturkles tew pitch quoits with, but I think this wants an affidavy with a revenew stamp onto it.
Thefly iz not only a domestik, but a friendly insek, without branes, but happily without guile.
SHOO FLY DONT BODER METHE FLY.
THE FLY.
They make their appearance amung mankind, a good deal az the wind duz, “whare it listeth.”
How they are exactly born, i haven’t been able yet tew investigate, but they are so universal at times, that i hav thought, they didn’t wait tew be born, but took the fust good chance that was offered, and cum just az they am.
They are sed tew be male and femail, but i dont think they konsider the marriage tie binding, for they look so mutch alike, that it would be a grate waste ov time, finding out wich waz who, and this would lead tew never ending fites, wich iz the rhubarb ov domestik life.
They make their annual visit about the first ov May, but don’t git tew buzzing good till the center ov August.
They stay with uz untill kold weather puts in an appearance, and then leave, a good deal az they cum, jist az they am.
Menny ov them are kut oph in the flower ov their yuth, and usefullness, but this don’t interfere with their census, for their iz another steps right into their place, and heirs their property.
Sum looze their lives bi lighting too near the rim ov a toad’s noze, and fall in, when the tud gaps, and others git badly stuck bi phooling with mollassis.
Sum visit the spiders, and are induced tew remain, and thousands find a watery grave, bi gitting drowned in milk cans.
The fly iz no respekter ov pussuns, he lights onto the pouting lips ov a sleeping darkey, jist az eazy az he duz onto the buzzum ov the queen ov buty, and will buzz an Alderman, or a hod-carrier, if they git in his way.
Flys, moraly konsidered, are like a large share ov the rest ov human folks, they wont settle on a good healthy spot in a man, not if they kan find a spot that iz a leetle raw.
Their principal food iz every thing, they will pitch into a ded snaik, or a quarter ov beef, with the same anxiety, and will eat from sun rise, till seven o’clock in the evening, without getting more than haff phull.
They will eat more, and hold less, than enny bug we kno ov.
The fly haz a remarkable impoverished memory, yu may drive him out ov yure ear; and he will land on yure forhed, hit him aginly, and he enters yure noze, the oftner yu git rid ov him in one spot, the more he gets onto another; the only way tew inculcate him with yure meaning, iz tew smash him up fine.
Naturalists dont tell us all about the soshull habits ov the fly, but i beleave they hav temprate habits, and altho they hang around grocerys a good deal, I never saw a fly the wuss for liquor, but i hav often seen liquor the wuss for flies.
They hav a big appetight for gitting into things, they are the fust at the dinner table, and alwus take soup, and dont leave untill the cloth iz removed.
Flys see a grate deal ov good sosiety, they are admitted into all circles, and if they remember one haff that they see and hear, what a world ov phunny sekrets they could unfold; but flys are perfekly honarable, and never betray a konfidence.
What would sum lovers giv, if they could only git a fly tew blab, but a fly iz a perfek gentleman, he eats oph from your plate, enjoys yure conversashun, sees sights, and haz more phun, and privilege, than a prime minister, or a dressing maid, but when yu cum tew pump him, he iz az dry in the mouth, az a salt codfish.
Thare iz sumthing a fly will blow, but he wont blow a sekret.
Flys i think, must be born whole, for i never saw a haff born fly, they are all ov a size when yu fust see them, like a paper ov pins, and never git enny smaller.
I dont kno ov a more happy, whole souled, honest critter, among the bug dispensation, than a hansum, square bilt fly, taking a free ride in central park, with the Mayor and hiz wife, or a free lunch at Delmonico’s, with the minister from England, and then finishing up the bizzness ov the day, by sleeping upside down, on the ceiling ov my ladys bed chamber.
But thare iz plenty ov pholks who kant see enny phun, or religion in a fly, whoze whole aim iz tew set molasses traps for them, tew chase them out ov the house with a sled stake, and then clear across a ploughed lot onto the next farm, tew git up nights in their stocking feet, tew worry them, with the tongs, tew drive them tew the brink ov despair, and finally ruin them, with deth.
I thank the Lord i ain’t one ov thoze, i don’t luv a fly enuff, tew leave mi vittles, and fall down flatt on mi stummuk, and worship them, but a fly may cum and sit on mi noze, all day, and chaw hiz cud in silence, if he will only sit still.
Flys tickle me, but they don’t make me sware, it takes a143bedd bug, at the hollow ov night, a mean, loafing bed bugg, who steals out ov a krack in the wall, az silently az the swet on a dog’s noze, and then creeps az soft az a shadder, on tew mi tenderest spot, and begins tew bore for my ile, it takes one ov theze foul fiends ov blood, and midnite, tew make me sware, a word ov two sillables.
A fly, the dear, little, social innocent, kant make me sware, not even an abreviated dam.
I dispize enny men who sware, it iz not only wicked, but always smells ov whiskey.
This essa, on the little fly, who visit us, in the spring ov the year, just az they am, will not interest the exceeding literary, or thoze who think they hav discovered poetry in their sile, it takes the essa on the life, and deth, ov an orphan rosebud, or the golden sheen ov a sassy moonbeam, dancing in a budoir tew the dreams ov a restive beauty, it takes sumthing ov this breed, tew fetch them.
Nextto the monkey, the crow haz the most deviltry to spare. They are born verry wild, but kan be tamed az eazy az the goat kan, but a tame crow iz aktually wuss than a sore thumb.
If thare iz enny thing about the house that they kant git into, it iz bekause the thing ain’t big enuff. I had rather watch a distrikt skool than one tame crow. Crows live on what they kan steal, and they will steal enny thing that aint tied down.
They are fond ov meat vittles, and are the first tew hold an inquest over a departed horse, or a still sheep. They are a fine bird tew hunt, but a hard one tew kill; they kan see you 2 miles first, and will smell a gun right through the side ov a mountain.
They are not songstirs, altho they hav a good voice to144cultivate, but what they do sing, they seem to understand thoroughly; long praktiss has made them perfekt.
The crow iz a tuff bird, and kan stand the heat like a blacksmith, and the cold like a stun wall.
They bild their nest among a tree, and lay twice, and both eggs would hatch out if they was laid in a snow bank,—thare aint no such thing as stopping a young crow.
Crows are very lengthy; i beleave they live always i never knu one to die a natral deth, and don’t believe they kno how.
They are alwus thin in flesh, and are like an injun rubber shew, poor inside and out.
They are not considered fine eating, altho i hav read sumwhare ov biled crow, but still i never heard ov the same man hankering for sum biled crow 2 times.
This essa on the crow is copied from natur, and if it is true i aint tew blame for it; natur made the crow, i didn’t; if i had i would hav made her more honest and not quite so tuff.
TheBumble Bee is one ov natur’s sekrets.
They probably hav a destiny to fill, and are probably necessary, if a fellow only knew how.
They liv apart from the rest ov mankind, in little circles numbering about 75 or 80 souls.
They are born about haying time, and are different from enny bug i know ov; they are the biggest when they are fust born. They resemble sum men in this respekt.
Their principle bizziness iz making poor honey, but they don’t make enny to sell.
Boys sumtimes rob them out ov a whole summer’s work; but thare is one thing about a bumble bee that boys alwus watch dreadful cluss, and that iz theirhelm.
I had rather not hav awl the bumble bee honey that is between here and the city ov Jerusalem, than tew hav a bumble bee hit me with his helm when he cums round suddin.
Therobin haz a red brest.
They hav a plaintiff song, and sing az tho they waz sorry for sum thing.
They are natiffs ov the northern states, but go south to winter.
They git their name from their grate ability for robbing a cherry tree.
They kan also robin a currant bush fust rate, and are smart on a goose berry.
THE NIGHT MARE
If a robin kant find enny thing else tew eat, they aint tew fastidious tew eat a ripe strawberry.
They build their nest out ov mud, and straw, and lay 4 eggs, that are speckled.
Four yung robbings, in a nest, that are just hatched out, and still on the half-shell, are alwus az reddy for dinner, az a nuzeboy iz.
If enny boddy goes near their nest, their mouths all fly open at once, so that yu kan see clear down tew their palates.
If it want for the birds, I suppose, ov course, we should all be et up by the catterpillars, and snakes, but i hav thought, it wouldn’t be enny thing more than common politeness, for the robbings, tew let us hav, now, and then, just one ov our own cherriz, tew see how they did taste.
Theswallo iz a lively bird.
Swallows make their appearance late in the spring, and alwus in a twitter about sumthing.
They hav az mutch twitter, as a boarding skool miss.
They kan fli az swift az an arrow, and a great deal crookider.
I have seen them skim a mill pond, cluss enuff tew take the cream off from it, and even make the frogs dodge, and not touch the water.
When the swallo cums, spring haz cum sure, but thare iz an old proverb, (one ov Solomans, i presume,) which sez, “one swallo dont make a spring.”
This may be so, but i have seen a spring (ov water), that would make a grate menny swallows.
Swallows never hav the dispepshy, they liv upon nothing, and take a grate deal ov exercise in the open air.
They dont set up nites busting, and never cheat a taylor out ov hiz bill.
They dont waste enny time in the morning making their toilett, but like the flowers, shake oph the dew from their heds, and are reddy for bizzness.
I kant think ov enny thing God has made, more harmless than a swallo, they are as innosent az a daizy, and az pure as the air they swim in, they wont live, shut up in a cage, mutch longer, than a trout will.
Thebat is a winged mouse.
They live very retired during the day, but at nite cum out for a frolik.
They fli very mutch unsartin, and ackt az tho they had taken a little too mutch gin.
They look out ov their face like a young owl, and will bite like a snappin turkle.
What they are good for i kant tell, and dont believe they kan tell neither.
They dont seem tew be bird, beast, nor insek, but a kind of live hash, made out ov all three.
If thare want enny bats in this world, i dont suppose the earth would refuse tew revolve on its axis, once in a while, just for fun.
But when we cum to think, that thare aint on the face ov the earth, even one bat too mutch, and that thare haint been, sintz the daze ov adam, a single surpluss muskeeters egg, laid by acksident, we kan form sum kind ov an idea, how little we know, and what a poor job we should make ov it, running the machinery of kreashun.
Man iz a phool enny how, and the best ov the joke iz, he don’t seem tew kno it.
Bats hav a destiny tew fill, and i will bet 4 dollars, they fill it better than we do ours.
Bats liv on flies, and hawks liv on bats, but who livs on the hawks, i kant tell.
Biled hawk may be good, i never herd enny boddy say it wasn’t, but i dont hope i shall ever be called upon tew decide it.
Tew save life, i would eat biled hawk, but if it tastes az i think it duz, i wouldn’t ask for a seckond plate ov it.
Thehawk iz a karniverous foul, and a chickiniverous one too, every good chance he kan git.
I hav seen them shut up their wings, and drop doun out ov the skey, like a destroying angel, and pick up a yung goslin in each hand, and sore aloft agin pretty quick.
They bild their nests out ov the reach ov civilizashun, so148that no mishionary kan git to them, unless he kan klimb well.
Powder and double B shot, iz the only thing that will civilize a hawk clear through, so that he will stay so, and it takes a big charge ov this too.
I have fired a double-barrelled gun into them, loaded with fine shot, and it had the same exilirating effekt on them, that 4 quarts ov oats would hav, on an old hoss, it made them more lively for a fu minnits.
I hav seen ded hawks, but i never shed enny tears over them.
I dont surpose that even hen hawks are made in vain, but i hav wondered, if just enuff ov them, tew preserve an assortment, wouldn’t answer.
Themeddo mole iz either a small rat, or a big mouse, i dont kno which.
They hav some soft, silken fur, and dig in the ground for a living.
They kan bore a hole in the ground fazter than a 2 inch augur kan, and kan travel klear akrost a 10 aker lot, in one night, and never cum once tew the surface.
They dont have enny eyes, but see with their ears, and kan see more without seeing anything, than enny rat in amerika.
How a meddo mole kan see with their ears iz one ov naturs misterys, and natur luvs misterys, it iz the misterys ov natur that makes mankind respektful.
If natur showed all the kards she held in her hand most enny boddy would think they could beat her.
But natur makes us guess at about one-half we know, and then laffs at us, in her sleeve, bekauze we dont git it right.
I dont kno whether meddo moles are an accredited artikle ov diet or not, i never hav seen their names registered on enny bill of fare, in our grate hotels spelt in english, but thare iz149so mutch meat fixings with french, and dutch names on the bills, that they may be thar.
I dont kno how meddo moles are spelt in dutch.
A meddo mole mite eat fust rate in dutch, and be kussid common vittles in english.
Thepossum iz a fello ov the Southern and Western States. He owns a sharp noze, a keen eye, a lean head, a phat boddy, and a poor tail.
He enjoys roots, chickens, grass, eggs, green korn, and little mice, and eats what he steals, and steals what he eats.
Hiz boddy is kivvered with a hairy kind ov phur, ov a dirty white complexion; hiz feet and fingers resemble therackoon, hiz ears are a trifle smaller than the mules, and hiz tail iz az round az an eel, and az free from capilliaryness as the snaiks stummuk.
The possum’s tail bothers me. I hav looked at it bi the hour; i hav studdyed it, and tried tew parse it; i hav figgered on it az cluss az i would a proposishun in Euklid; i hav hung over it az fondly az a kemist; i hav fretted and wondered, hav got mad, wept and swore, and kant tell to this day whi a possum should hav a hairless caudel.
If some philosophik mind, out ov a present job, will explain this tale to me, and sho me the mercy ov it, i will explain to him, free from cost, the pucker ov the persimmon, or the vital importance thare iz in being bolegged, two misterys which are only known to the Billings family.
The possum iz a lonesum and joyless vagabond, living just near enuff to the smoke ov a chimbly tew pick up a transient goslin or a ten dollar bill, or ennything else that aint stuck fast.
Thare iz only one man in this visionary world who seems tew hav an affinity, ov a moral natur, for the possum, and that150iz a darkey. They are the nigger’s poultry and roast lamb.
The possum, in poor condishun, is az phull ov phatt as a tallo kandle in the month ov august, but having et possum miself, and biled awl from necessity, i am full ov the opinyun that between the two mi choice would be never agin to take either.
Possums alwus hav twins when they hav ennything, and sumtimes an extra one, and they suckle their yung on an entire different principal from the goose.
Their skins are a subject of traffick, and are worth in market from nine to ten cents a piece, provided the tail is amputated. A possum’s tail iz not only worthless, but iz a damage to any enterprizing man.
Theze skins are colored and made into mink muffs, and sold for twenty-five dollars a head, tew thoze whoze early edukashun has bin neglekted.
Thare iz only one thing about a possum’s skin different from a hoss hide, they don’t shed their hair, evry hair is drove in and clinched on tuther side.
Possum’s hav butiful white natral teeth, and their mouth iz az full ov them az a kow hide boot iz ov shu pegs.
But say what yu will about theze comick geniuses ov natur, they hav got two things that they own and no other animul, feathered, or hairy, possesses them so mutch.
I mean tuffness and cunning.
If a possum thinks he kant reach hiz hole, in the hollo ov the tree, tew eskape a wandering dog or a stray nigger, he lays himself down level on the opposite side ov hiz belly, and dies az ded az a two dollar watch.
The dog will smell ov hiz corpse and pass on, the nigger will rool him over, pheal ov hiz phatt, and konkluding that “dis possum hab been eating pizen;” take him by the tail and send him buzzing into a brush heep.
Many a possum haz saved hiz life, and hiz phatt, bi thus loozeing it.
I hav often killed them with a klub, sufficiently dead enuff tew bury, and hiding behind a tree, fur a fu minnitts, hav151seen them born agin, and sneak oph into the underbrush.
If thare iz enny boddy who don’t beleave this i don’t care, i only write what i know, and don’t hold miself liable for other folks’ ignorance.
Possum grease and hoe kake, in equal parts, will phatt a nigger in 60 days, and make hiz face glisten like a piece ov pattent leather.
If the possum only had hare on the tail i could account for him fully, but this lack ov the hirsute attachment bothers me.
I think now i would giv ten dollars tew be made well on this subjeckt.
Altho the possum dies hard, he lives eazy, and i might az well own it, forever, for i have spent a great quantity ov mi life surrounded by possums and other historick vermin, and never heard only ov acksident death in the possum family.
The muskrat and the possum hav similar tales, but the muskrat steers himself with hiz while bathing, but the possum never bathes in ennything but chicken blood.
The studdy ov natur iz a good risk to take, and will make sum men az phull ov knowledge az an unabridged Webster’s spellin book, while thare iz others that natur nor ennyboddy else haint bin able tew edukate yet.
Dear——:—Yure letter kame safe unto hand last nite bi mail, and i hurry tew repli.
The best musketers now in market are raised near Bergen point, in the dominion ov Nu Jersey.
They gro thare verry spontaneous, and the market for them iz verry unstiddy—the grate supply injures the demand.
Two hundred and fifty to the square inch iz konsidered a paying krop, altho they often beat that.
They don’t require enny nussing, and the poorer the land the bigger the yield.
If it want for musketers i dont kno what sum people would do thare tew git a living, for thare iz a grate deal ov kultivated land thare that wont raize ennything else at a proffit.