THE CURSID MUSKETO.The musketer iz a short lived bug, but don’t waste enny time; they are alwuss az reddy for bizzness az pepper sass iz, and kan bight 10 minnitts after they are born just az fluently az ever.Thare iz people in this world so kontrary at heart, and so ignorant, that they wont see enny wisdum in having musketers around; i alwus pitty sutch pholks—their edukashun haz been sorely neglekted and aint level.Wisdum iz like duks eggs—if yu git them, yu hav got tew sarch for them—thare aint no duks in theze benighted days that will cum and la eggs in yure hand—not a duk, Mr. ——, not a duk.The musketo is a soshul insex; they liv verry thick amungst each other, and luv the sosiety ov man also, but don’t kontrakt enny ov hiz vices.Yu never see a musketer that was a defaulter; they never fail to cum to time, altho thousands looze their lives in the effort.The philosophers tell us that the muskeeters who can’t sing won’t bight; this information may be ov grate use to science, but aint worth mutch to a phellow in a hot nite whare muskeeters are plenty.153If thare ain’t but one musketer out ov ten that kan bight good, that iz enuff to sustain their reputashun.The philosophers are alwus a telling us sumthing that iz right smart, but the only plan they kan offer us tew get rid ov our sorrows iz to grin and bear them.They kant rob one single musketer ov hiz stingger by argument. I say bully for the muskeeter!The muskeeter iz the child ov circumstansis in one respekt—he can be born, or not, and liv, and die a square deth in a lonesum marsh, 1600 miles from the nearest nabor, without ever tasting blood, and be happy all the time; or he kan git into sumboddy’s bed-room thru the key-hole, and take hiz rashuns reglar, and sing sams ov praze and glorificashun.It don’t kost a muskeeter mutch for hiz board in this world; if he kant find enny boddy to eat he kan set on a blade ov swamp meadow gras and liv himself to deth on the damp fog.The musketo is a gray bug and haz 6 leggs, a bright eye, a fine busst, a sharp tooth and and a reddy wit.He dont waste enny time hunting up hiz customers, and alwus lights onto a baby fust if thare iz one on the premises.I positively fear a musketo.In the dark, still nite, when every thing iz az noizeless az a pair ov empty slippers, to hear one at the further end ov the room slowly but surely working hiz way up to yu, singing that same hot old sissing tune ov theirs, and harking to feel the exackt spot on yure face whare they intend tew lokate, iz simply premeditated sorrow tew me; i had rather look forward to the time when an elephant waz going tew step onto me.The musketo haz no friends, and but phew associates; even a mule dispizes them.But i hav seen human beings who want aktually afraid ov them; i hav seen pholks who had rather hav a muskeeter lite onto them than to have a trakt peddler lite onto them; i hav seen pholks who were so tuff aginst anguish that a muskeeter mite lite onto them enny whare and plunge their dagger in up tew the hilt in vain.154I envy these people their moral stamina, for next tew being virtewous i would like tew be tuff.This life iz phull ov pesky muskeetos, who are alwus a looking for a job, alwus reddy tew stik a thissell into yu sum whare, and sing while they are doing it.Dear Mr. ——, pardon me for saying so mutch about the cursid muskeeto, but ov all things on this arth that travel, or set still, for deviltry, thare aint enny bug, enny beast, or enny beastess, that i dred more, and luv less, than i do this same little gray wretch, called cursid muskeeter.THE HORNET.Thehornet is an inflamibel bugger, sudden in hiz impresshuns and hasty in hiz conclusion, or end.Hiz natral disposishun iz a warm cross between red pepper in the pod and fusil oil, and hiz moral bias iz, “git out ov mi way.”They hav a long, black boddy, divided in the middle bi a waist spot, but their phisikal importance lays at the terminus ov their subburb, in the shape ov a javelin.This javelin iz alwas loaded, and stands reddy to unload at a minnit’s warning, and enters a man az still az thought, az spry az litening, and az full ov melankolly az the toothake.Hornets never argy a case; they settle awl ov their differences ov opinyun bi letting their javelin fly, and are az certain tew hit az a mule iz.This testy kritter lives in congregations numbering about one hundred souls, but whether they are male and female, or conservative, or matched in bonds ov wedlock, or whether they are Mormons, and a good menny ov them klub together and keep one husband tew save expense, i dont kno nor dont kare.I never hav examined their habits mutch, i never considered it helthy.155Hornets bild their nests whenever they take a noshun to, and seldom are disturbed, for what would it profit a man tew kill 99 hornets and hav the one hundredth one hit him with hiz javelin?They bild their nests ov paper, without enny windows to them or back doors. They hav but one place ov admission, and the nest iz the shape ov an overgrown pine-apple, and iz cut up into just az menny bedrooms az thare iz hornets.It iz very simple tew make a hornets nest if yu kan, but i will argue enny man 300 dollars he kant bild one that he could sell tew a hornet for half price.Hornets are az bizzy az their second couzzins, the bee, but what they are about the lord only knows, they dont lay up enny honey, nor enny money, they seem tew be bizzy only jist for the sake ov working all the time, they are alwus in az mutch ov a hurry az tho they waz going for a doktor.I suppose this uneazy world would grind arownd on its axletree onst in 24 hours, even if thare want enny hornets, but hornets must be good for sumthing, but i kant think now what it iz.Thare haint been a bug made yet in vain, nor one that want a good job, thare iz ever lots ov human men loafing around black smith shops, and cider mills, all over the country, that dont seem tew be necessary for ennything but tew beg plug tobacco and swear, and steal water-melons, but yu let the cholera brake out once, and then yu will see the wisdum ov having jist sich men laying around loose, they help count.Next tew the cockroach, who stands tew the hed, the hornet haz got the most waste stummuk, in reference tew the rest ov hiz boddy, than enny ov the insek populashun, and here iz another mistery: what on arth duz a hornet want so mutch reserve corps for.I hav jist thought—tew carry hiz javelin in, thus you see, the more we diskover about things the more we are apt to know.It iz alwus a good purchase tew pay out our last surviving dollar for wisdum, and wisdum iz like the misterious hens egg,156it aint laid in yure hand, but iz laid away under the barn, and yu hav got tew sarch for it.The hornet iz an unsoshall kuss, he iz more haughty than he iz proud, he iz a thorough bred bug, but hiz breeding and refinement haz made him like sum other folks i kno ov, dissatisfied with himself, and everyboddy else, too mutch good breding ackts this way sumtimes.Hornets are long-lived—i kant state jist how long their lives are, but i kno, from instinkt and observashun, that enny kritter, be he bug or be he devil, who is mad all the time, and stings every good chance he kan git, gennerally outlives all his nabers.The only way tew git at the exact fiteing weight ov the hornet, is tew tutch him, let him hit you once with his javelin, and you will be willing tew testify in court that sumboddy run a one-tined pitchfork into yer; and az for grit, i will state for the informashun ov thoze who haven’t had a chance tew lay in their vermin wisdum az freely az i hav, that one single hornet, who feels well, will brake up a large camp meeting!What the hornets do for amuzement iz another question i kant answer, but sum ov the best read, and heavyest thinkers amung the naturalists say they hav target excursions, and heave their javelins at a mark; but i don’t imbibe this assershun raw, for i never knu enny boddy, so bitter at heart az the hornets are, to waste a blow.Thare iz one thing that a hornet duz that i will giv him credit for on mi books—he alwus attends tew hiz own bizzness, and wont allow any boddy else tew attend tew it, and what he duz iz alwuz a good job, you never see them altering enny thing, if they make enny mistakes, it iz after dark, and aint seen.If the hornets made haff az menny blunders az the men do, even with their javelins, everyboddy would laff at them.Hornets are clear in another way, they hav found out, bi trieing it, that all they kan git in this world, and bragon, iz their vittles, and clothes, and yu never see one, standing at157the corner ov a street, with a twenty-six inch face on, bekauze sum bank had run oph, and took their money with him.In ending oph this essa, i will cum tew a stop, by concluding, that if hornets waz a leetle more pensive, and not so darned peremptory with their javelins, they might be guilty ov less wisdum, but more charity.But yu kant alter bug natur, without spileing it for enny thing else, enny more than yu kan an elephant’s egg.THE RABBIT.Therabbit iz a kind ov long-eard and short-taled kat, and reside for a living all over the United States ov Amerika. They are az harmless, so far az pizon is consarned, az a yung goslin.THE RABBIT.They liv in holes in the ground, holler logs, and under brush heaps, and kan run faster and stop quicker than any 4 or 6 legged brute.Their hind legs are twice az long and twice az fast az their fore ones, and they seem tew be bilt best for running up a hill, and backing down it. They are all colors known tew the trade, except green; green rabbits are out ov fashion.158Rabbits bile eazy, and eat soft, and are sed tew be better vittles than the kat.I don’t kno exacktly how menny rabbits thare are in the United States now, and never expekt tew kno, for thay kan hatch out, and spred faster than the meazles.One pair ov helthy and industrious rabbits will settle a whole township in 18 months, and begin tew emigrate into the jineing parts.Rabbits are az eazy tew kill az a cucumber vine when it fust starts out ov the ground, and are az eazy tew ketch az a bad kold.Rabbits hav no kunning, and but little guile; i hav kept them az pets, and konsider them just about az safe az they are useless.Their fur iz of sum value, but they are az tender tew skin without tareing, az a biled potater.THE POODLE.Thepoodle iz a small dog, with sore eyes, and hid amungst a good deal ov promiskuss hair.They are sumtimes white for color, and their hair iz tangled all over them, like the hed ov a yung darkey.They are kept az pets, and, like all other pets, are az stubborn az a setting hen.A poodle iz a woman’s pet, and that makes them kind ov sakred, for whatever a woman luvs she worships.I hav seen poodles that i almost wanted tew swop places with, but the owners ov them didn’t akt to me az tho they wanted tew trade for enny thing.Thare iz but phew things on the face ov this earth more utterly worthless than a poodle, and yet i am glad thare iz poodles, for if thare wasn’t thare iz some people who wouldn’t hav enny objekt in living, and hav nothing tew luv.Thare iz nothing in this world made in vain, and poodles are good for fleas.159Fleas are also good for poodles, for they keep their minds employed scratching, and almost every boddy else’s too about the house.I never knew a man tew keep a poodle. Man’s natur iz too koarse for poodles. A poodle would soon fade and die if a man waz tew nuss him.I don’t expekt enny poodle, but if enny boddy duz giv me one he must make up hiz mind tew be tied onto a long stick every Saturday, and be used for washing the windows on the outside.This kind ov nussing would probably make the poodle mad, and probably he would quit, but i kant help it.If i hav got tew keep a poodle, he haz got tew help wash the windows every Saturday. I am solid on this pint.Bully for me.THE PATRIDGE.Thepatridgeiz a kind ov wild hen, and liv in the swamps, and on the hill sides that are woody.They are verry eazy tew ketch with the hand, if yu kan git near enuff tew them tew put salt on their tale, but this iz alwus diffikult for nu beginners.In the spring ov the year they will drum a tune with their wings on some deserted old log, and if yu draw ni unto them tew observe the musik, they will rize up, and kut a hole thru the air with a hum like a bullet.Thare iz no burd kan beat a patridge on the wing for one hundred yards, i am authorized tew bet on this.The patridge are a game burd, and are shot on the wing, if they are not missed.It iz dreadful natral tew miss a patridge on the fly, especially if a tree gets in the way.I hav hunted a grate deal for patridge, and lost a grate deal ov time at it.160The patridge lays 14 eggs, and iz az sure tew hatch all her eggs out az a cockroach iz who feels well.When a brood ov yung patridges fust begin tew toddle about with the old bird, they look like a lot ov last year’s chestnut burs on legs.Broiled patridge iz good if yu kan git one that waz born during the present century, but thare iz a grate menny patridge around that waz with Noah in the ark, and they are az tuff tew git the meat oph ov az a hoss shu.But broiled patridge iz better than broiled krow, and i had rather hav broiled krow than broiled mule just for a change.THE SNIPE.Thesnipe iz a gray, misterious bird, who git up out ov low, wet places quick, and git back again quick.They are pure game, and are shot on the move.They are az tender tew brile az a saddle rok oyster, and eat az eazy az sweetmeats.The snipe haz a long bill (about the length ov a doktor’s) and git a living bi thrusting it down into the fat earth, and then pumping the juices out with their tounge.I hav seen snipe so phatt that when they waz shot 50 feet in the air and phell on to the hard ground, they would split open like an egg.This will sound like a lie to a man who never haz seen it did, but after he haz seen it did, he will feel different about it.THE COCKROACH.Thecockroach iz a bug at large.He iz one ov the luxurys ov civilization.He iz eazy to domestikate, yielding gracefully to ordinary kindness, and never deserting thoze who show him proper ackts ov courtesy.161We are led to beleave, upon a cluss examination ov the outward crust ov these fashionable insekts, that they are a highly successful intermarriage between the brunette pissmire, and the “artikilus bevo” or common Amerikan grasshopper.Naturalists however differ, which iz to be lamented, for a diversity ov sentiment, upon matters so important to the peace ov mind and moral advancement ov mankind in the lump, creates distrust, and tends to sap the substrata ov all bug ethicks.But let the learned and polite pull hair az mutch az they pleaze about the ansestral claims ov the cockroach it iz our bizzness and duty, az bug scrutinizer, tew show the critter up az we find him, without caring a single, solitary curse, who hiz grandfather or grandmother acktually waz.Thare iz no mistaking the fackt that he iz one ov a numerous family, and that hiz attachment tew the home ov hiz boyhood, speaks louder than thunder for hiz affecktionate and unadulterated natur.He dont leave the place he waz born at upon the slightest provocation, like the giddy and vagrant flea, or the ferocious bed bugg, and untill death, (or sum vile powder, the invenshun ov man) knocks at hiz front door, he and hiz brothers and sisters may be seen with the naked eye, ever and anon calmly climbing the white sugar bowl or running foot races between the butter plates.How strange it iz that man, made out ov dirt, the cheapest material in market, and the most plenty, should be so determined to rid the world ov evry living bug but himself.I dont doubt if he could hav hiz own way for six years, evry personal cockroach would be knocked off from the bosom ov the footstool, and not even a pair ov them left to repair damages with.Such iz man!The cockroach is born on the fust ov May and the fust ov November semiannually, and is reddy for use in fifteen days from date.They are born from an egg, four from each egg, and consequently162they are all ov them twins. There is no such thing in the annals ov natur as a single cockroach.The maternal bug don’t sett upon the egg as the goose doth, but leaves them lie around loose, like a pint ov spilt mustard seed, and don’t seem tew care a darn whether they get ripe or not.But I never knew a cockroach egg fail tew put in an appearance. They are as sure tew hatch out and run as Kanada thistles, or a bad kold.The cockroach is ov tew colours, sorrel and black. They are always on the move, and kan trot, I should say, on a good track, and a good day, cluss tew three minnitts.Their food seems tew consist, not so mutch in what they eat as what they travel, and often finding them dead in my soup at the boarding-house, I hav cum to the conclusion that a cockroach kan’t swim, but they kan float.Naturalists hav also declared that the cockroach has no double teeth. This is an important fackt, and ought tew be introduced into all the primary school books ov Amerika.But the most interesting feature ov this remarkable bugg is the lovelyness ov their natures. They kan’t bite nor sting, nor skratch, nor even jaw back. They are so amable that I hav even known them tew get stuck in the butter, and lay there all day, and not holler for help, and aktually die at last with a broken heart.To realize the meekness ov theze uncomplaining little cusses, let the philosophick mind just for one moment compare them to the pesky flea, who light upon man in hiz strength and woman in her weakness like a red hot shot, or to the warbling musketo, wild from a Nujersey cat-tail marsh, with hiz dagger in hiz mouth ackeing for blood; or, horror ov horrors! to the midnight bed bugg, who creeps out ov a crack az still and az lean az a shadow, and hitches on to the bosom ov buty like a starved leech.Every man haz a right to pick hiz playmates, but az for me, i had rather visit knee deep among cockroaches than to hear the dieing embers ov a single muskeeter’s song in the163room jineing, or to know that thare waz just one bedbugg left in the world and he waz waiting for mi kandle to go out and for me to pitch into bed.In conclusion, to show that I aint fooling, i would be willing, if I had them, to swap ten fust class fleas any time for a small sized cockroach, and if the fellow complained that I had shaved him in the trade, I would return the cockroach and sware that we waz even.THE MULE.Themule is haf hoss and haf Jackass, and then kums tu a full stop, natur diskovering her mistake.THE MULE.Tha weigh more, akordin tu their heft, than enny other kreetur, except a crowbar.Tha kant hear enny quicker, nor further than the hoss, yet their ears are big enuff for snow shoes.You kan trust them with enny one whose life aint worth enny more than the mules. The only wa tu keep the mules into a paster, is tu turn them into a medder jineing, and let them jump out.Tha are reddy for use, just as soon as they will du tu abuse.Tha haint got enny friends, and will live on huckle berry brush, with an ockasional chanse at Kanada thistels.164Tha are a modern invenshun, i dont think the Bible deludes tu them at tall.Tha sel for more money than enny other domestik animile. Yu kant tell their age by looking into their mouth, enny more than you kould a Mexican cannons. Tha never hav no dissease that a good club wont heal.If tha ever die tha must kum rite tu life agin, for i never herd noboddy sa “ded mule.”Tha are like sum men, verry korrupt at harte; ive known them tu be good mules for 6 months, just tu git a good chanse to kick sumbody.I never owned one, nor never mean to, unless thare is a United Staits law passed, requiring it.The only reason why tha are pashunt, is bekause tha are ashamed ov themselfs.I have seen eddikated mules in a sirkus.Tha kould kick, and bite, tremenjis. I would not sa what I am forced tu sa again the mule, if his birth want an outrage, and man want tu blame for it.Enny man who is willing tu drive a mule, ought to be exempt by law from running for the legislatur.Tha are the strongest creeturs on earth, and heaviest ackording tu their sise; I herd tell ov one who fell oph from the tow path, on the Eri kanawl, and sunk as soon as he touched bottom, but he kept rite on towing the boat tu the nex stashun, breathing thru his ears, which stuck out ov the water about 2 feet 6 inches; i did’nt see this did, but an auctioneer told me ov it, and i never knew an auctioneer tu lie unless it was absolutely convenient.BED BUGS.Ineversee ennybody yet but what despisedBed Bugs. They are the meanest ov aul crawling, creeping, hopping, or biteing things.They dassent tackle a man bi dalite, but sneak in, after dark, and chaw him while he iz fast asleep.165A musketo will fight you in broad dalite, at short range, and giv you a chance tew knock in hiz sides—the flea iz a game bugg, and will make a dash at you even in Broadway—but the bed-bugg iz a garroter, who waits till you strip, and then picks out a mellow place tew eat you.If i was ever in the habit ov swearing, i wouldn’t hesitate to damn a bed bugg right tew hiz face.Bed bugs are uncommon smart in asmallway; one pair ov them will stock a hair mattrass in 2 weeks, with bugs enuff tew last a small family a whole year.It don’t do enny good to pray when bed bugs are in season; the only way tew git rid ov them iz tew bile up the whole bed in aqua fortis, and then heave it away and buy a new one.Bed buggs, when they hav grone aul they intend to, are about the size ov a bluejay’s eye, and hav a brown complexion, and when they start out to garrote are az thin az a grease spot, but when they git thru garroting they are swelled up like a blister.It takes them 3 days tew git the swelling out ov them.If bed buggs have enny destiny to fill, it must be their stummuks; but it seems tew me that they must hav bin made by acksident, jist az slivvers are, tew stick into sumboddy.If they waz got up for sum wise purpose, they must hav took the wrong road, for there kant be enny wisdum in chawing a man aul night long, and raising a family, besides, tew foller the same trade.If there iz sum wisdum in aul this, I hope the bed buggs will chaw them folks who kan see it, and leave me be, bekause i am one ov the hereticks.THE FLEA.Thesmallest animal ov the brute creashun, and the most pesky, iz theFlea.They are about the bigness ov an onion seed, and shine like a bran new shot.166They spring from low places, and kan spring further and faster than enny ov the bug-brutes.They bite wuss than the musketoze, for they bite on a run; one flea will go aul over a man’s subburbs in 2 minnitts, and leave him az freckled az the meazels.It iz impossible to do ennything well with a flea on you, except sware, and fleas aint afraid ov that; the only way iz tew quit bizzness ov aul kinds and hunt for the flea, and when you have found him, he ain’t thare. Thiz iz one ov the flea mysterys, the fackulty they hav ov being entirely lost jist as soon as you hav found them.I don’t suppose thare iz ever killed, on an average, during enny one year, more than 16 fleas, in the whole ov the United States ov America, unless thare iz a cazualty ov sum kind. Once in a while thare iz a dogg gits drowned sudden, and then thare may be a few fleas lost.They are about az hard to kill az a flaxseed iz, and if you don’t mash them up az fine az ground pepper they will start bizzness agin, on a smaller kapital, jist az pestiverous az ever.Thare iz lots ov people who have never seen a flea, and it takes a pretty smart man tew see one ennyhow; they don’t stay long in a place.If you ever ketch a flea, kill him before you do ennything else; for if you put it oph 2 minnits, it may be too late.Menny a flea haz past away forever in less than 2 minnits.NOT ENNY SHANGHI FOR ME.Theshanghi ruseter is a gentile, and speaks in a forrin tung.He is bilt on piles like a Sandy Hill crane.If he had bin bilt with 4 legs, he wud resembel the peruvian lama.He is not a game animil, but quite often cums off sekund best in a ruff and tumble fite; like the injuns, tha kant stand sivilization, and are fast disappearing.167Tha roost on the ground, similar tew the mud turkle.Tha oftin go to sleep standing, and sum times pitch over, and when tha dew, tha enter the ground like a pickaxe.Thare food consis ov korn in the ear.Tha crow like a jackass, troubled with the bronskeesucks.Tha will eat as mutch tu onst as a district skule master, and ginerally sit down rite oph tew keep from tipping over.SHANGHI.Tha are dredful unhandy tew cook, yu hav tu bile one eend ov them tu a time, yu kant git them awl into a potash kittle tu onst.The femail ruster lays an eg as big as a kokernut, and is sick for a week afterwards, and when she hatches out a litter of yung shanghis she has tew brood them standing and then168kant kiver but 3 ov them—the rest stand around on the outside, like boys around a cirkus tent, gitting a peep under the kanvas when ever tha kan.The man who fust brought the breed into this kuntry ought tew own them all and be obliged tew feed them on grasshoppers, caught bi hand.I never owned but one and he got choked tu deth bi a kink in a clothes line, but not until he had swallered 18 feet ov it.Not enny shanghi for me, if yu pleze; i wuld rather board a travelling kolporter, and as for eating one, give me a biled owl rare dun, or a turkee buzzard, roasted hole, and stuffed with a pair ov injun rubber boots, but not enny shanghi for me, not a shanghi!Speaking ov hens, leads me tew remark, in the fust place, that hens, thus far, are a suckcess.They are domestick, and occasionally are tuff.This iz owing tew their not being biled often enuff in their younger daze; but the hen ain’t tew blame for this.Biled hen iz universally respekted.Thare iz a grate deal ov originality tew the hen—exactly how mutch i kant tell, historians fight so mutch about it. Sum say Knower had hens with him in the ark and sum say he didn’t. So it goes, which and tuther.I kant tell yu which waz born fust, the hen or the egg; sumtimes i think the egg waz—and sumtimes i think the hen waz—and sumtimes i think i don’t kno, and i kant tell now, which way iz right, for the life ov me.Laying eggs iz the hen’s best grip.A hen that kant lay eggs—iz laid out.One egg iz konsidered a fair day’s work for a hen.Ihav herd ov their doing better, but i don’t want a hen ov mine tew do it—it iz apt tew hurt their constitution and bye-laws, and thus impare their futer worth.The poet sez, butifully:“Sumboddy haz stole our old blew hen!I wish they’d let her bee;She used tew lay 2 eggs a day,And Sundays she’d lay 3.”169This sounds trewenufffor poetry, but i will bet 75 thousand dollars that it never took place.The best time tew sett a hen, is when the hen is reddy.I kant tell you what the best breed is, but the shanghigh is the meanest. It kosts as mutch tew board one, as it duz a stage hoss, and yu mite as well undertake tew fat a fanning-mill, by running oats thru it.Thare aint no proffit in keeping a hen for his eggs, if he laze less than one a day.Hens are very long lived, if they dont contrakt the thrut disseaze,—thare is a grate menny goes tew pot, evry year, bi this melankolly disseaze.I kant tell exactly how tew pick out a good hen, but as a general thing, the long-eared ones, are kounted the best.The one-legged ones, i kno, are the lest ap tew skratch up a garden.Eggs packed in equal parts ov salt, and lime water, with the other end down, will keep from 30, or 40, years, if they are not disturbed.Fresh beef-stake is good for hens; i serpose 4 or 5 pounds a day, would be awl a hen would need, at fust along.I shall be happee tew advise with yu, at enny time, on the hen question, and—take it in egg.THE AUNT.Theant iz a menny footted insekt.They live about one thousand five hundred and fifty of them (more or less), in the same hole in the ground, and hold their property in common.They hav no holydays, no eight-hour sistem, nor never strike for enny higher wages.They are cheerful little toilers, and hav no malice, nor back door to their hearts.Their iz no sedentary loafers amung them, and yu never see one out ov a job.170They git up arly, go tew bed late, work all the time, and eat on the run.Yu never see two ants argueing sum phoolish question that neither ov them didn’t understand; they don’t kare whether the moon iz inhabited, or not; nor whether a fish weighing two pounds, put into a pail ov water allreddy phull, will make the pail slop over, or weigh more.They ain’t a-hunting after the philosopher’s stone, nor gitting crazy over the cauze of the sudden earthquakes.They don’t care whether Jupiter iz 30 or 31 millions ov miles up in the air, nor whether the arth bobs around on its axes or not, so long az it don’t bob over their korn krib and spill their barley.They are simple, little, bizzy aunts, full ov faith, working hard, living prudently, committing no sin, prazeing God by minding their own bizzness, and dieing when their time cums, tew make room for the next crop ov aunts.They are a reproach to the lazy, an encouragement tew the industrious, a rebuke tew the viscious, and a studdy to the Christian.If yu want tew take a lesson in arkitekture, go and set down bi the side ov their hole in the ground, and wonder how so menny kan liv so thick.If yure pashunce needs consolashun, watch the ants, and be strengthened.If man had (added tew hiz capacity) the pashunce and grit ov theze little atoms ov animated natur, every mountin on the buzzum ov the arth would, before this, hav bin levelled, and every inch ov surface would scream with fruitfulness, and countless lots ov human critters would hav bin added to the inhabitants ov the universe, and bin fed on corn and other sass.I hav sot by the hour and a haff down near an aunt-hill, and marvelled; hav wondered at their instinkts, and hav thought how big must be the jackass who waz satisfied to beleave that even an ant, the least ov the bugs, could hav been created, made bizzy, and sot to work bychance.171Oh, how i do pity the individual who beleaves that all things here are the work ov an acksident! He robs himself ov all plezzure on earth, and all right in Heaven.I had rather be an ant (even a humbly, bandy-legged, profane swearing ant), than to look upon the things ov this world az i would on the throw ov the dice.Ants are older than Adam.Man (for very wize reasons) want bilt untill all other things were finished, and pronounced good.If man had bin made fust he would hav insisted upon bossing the rest ov the job.He probably would hav objekted to having enny little bizzy aunts at all, and various other objekshuns would hav bin offered, equally green.I am glad that man waz the last thing made.If man hadn’t hav bin made at all, you would never hav heard me find enny fault about it.I haven’t much faith in man, not bekauze he kant do well but bekauze he wont.Ants hav bye laws, and a constitushun, and they mean sumthing.Their laws aint like our laws, made with a hole in them, so that a man kan steal a hoss and ride thru them on a walk.They don’t hav enny whisky ring, that iz virtewous, simply, bekauze it hooks bi the millyun, and then legalizes its own ackts.They don’t hav enny legislators that yu kan buy, nor enny judges, laying around on the haff shell, reddy tew be swallered.I rather like the aunts, and think now I shall sell out mi money and real estate, and jine them.I had rather jine them than the bulls or the bears, i like their morals better.The bulls and the bears handle more money, it iz true, and make a grate deal more noize in Wall street, one ov them sticking his horn into a flabby piece ov Erie and tossing it up into the air, and the other ketching it when it cums down, and trampling it under hiz paws.172This may be phun for the bulls and the bears, but it iz wuss than the cholera morbust for poor Erie.Ants never disturb Erie; yu couldn’t sell one eny Erie, enny more than you could sell one skrip on the cod-fish banks ov Nufoundland.Ants are a honest, hard-tugging little people, but whether they marry, and giv in marriage, iz beyond my strength; but if they don’t they are no wuzz oph than they are out west (near the city of Chicago), where they marry to-day and apply for an injunkshun to-morrow; and are reddy the next day to fite it out agin on sum other line.Wedlok out west (near the grate grain mart Chicago) iz one ov them kind ov locks that almost enny boddy kan pick.SUM SNAIX.THE ADDER.Theadder iz az spotted az a checker-board, and are very butiful tew admire at a propper distance oph.They hav a koal blak eye, which revolves on its axis, and shines like a glass bead.They kan be found in wet places, and are handy tew liv, both down in the water, and up on the top ov the land. They kan slip oph from an old bridge, or a log, into a mill pond, az natral, and az eazy, az a pint ov turpentine, and kno how tew swim, and wave, on the brest ov sum water like the shaddo ov the weeping willo.They are harmless tew bight, but one adder, would spile all the bathing thare waz in a mill pond for me, when i waz a boy.THE STRIPED SNAIK.The striped snaix is one ov the garden varietys. They inhabit door yards, and stun heaps down at the foot ov the garden, and piles ov old boards, and weedy spots, and grass generally.173THE INFANT HERCULESThey are the domestik snaik, if thare iz enny such thing, and are really az harmless az an old garter, but az full ov fraid tew almost every boddy, az a torpedo.The fust snaix, we hav enny ackount ov much, waz the devil, surnamed bellyzebubb, who wiggled his way into the Garden of Eden, and without a single trump in hiz hand, beat our two original ansesstors, out ov joy inneffible, and glory halleluyer forever, and gave them in exchange for it sorrow without stint, and wo unutterabel. This was an unkommon poor trade for the human family. All snaiks are sneaks, and steal around on their slippry stummuks, az still, and greazy, az lamp ile.Snaix kant stand the enkroachments ov civilizashun, the seed ov the woman iz alwus after them with a long pole, and a man, post haste for a doktor, will alwuss dismount, and hich hiz animile hoss, tew put an extra hed onto a snaix.This kind ov treatment has alwus made snaiks raizing a dredful risky bizzness teu follow.Out ov one thousand snaixs born annually, the staytisstix sho 930 ov them die in a grate hurry, espeshily whare churches and school houses flourish.I don’t kno ov a more unhelthy spot in the world for a snaix teu settle down and undertaik teu bring up a family than near a distrikt school house.174Let enny body just holler “striped snaix” once, near a distrikt school house, and you will see the snaix begin teu paddle, and the young ones begin tew bile out like hornets out ov their nest, and proceed for that snaix like a flok of young turkeys for a Junebug.Striped snaiks are about two feet and one haff in length, and about one inch in diameter, and “thareby hangs a tail.”THE BLUE RACER.The blue racer is a Western snaik, about 6 feet in length, ov a pale blue color, and the smartest snaix, for suddenness, in the universe.They kan run, on a unmown meaddo, as fast as ahoss, with their heds about 2 foot high, and their whole boddy bileing with muscles.They are az harmless az a rabbit, and will run if you chase them, and then will turn and chase you, if you want them tew play “tag.”They are froliksom cusses, but I never did hanker for sitch kind of refreshments.They are the nicest kind ov a mark to shoot at.Draw a fine sight on their heds when they hold up abov the turf, and let them hav one barrell ov number 6 shot, and the hed will be missing, and the ballance ov the snaix will be looking after the hed in a grate hurry, turning all sorts of back summersets and double and twisted bo knots, and hirogliphick kontortions for 20 minutes, before they make up their mind that it is safe tew die.It is a dredful krewel sight tew see them ketch a frog, it iz alwus done on a run, and done quick, for the poor frog don’t stand enny more chance ov getting away than a chesnutt tree duz when lightning fires up, and goes for it.They swallo the frog whole, and stik out with a frog in them like a yung purp who haz allowed a quart ov buttermilk tew find its way into him.THE BLAK SNAIK.The blak snaix iz the only one i kno ov who kan klimb a175tree without boosting, and take the yung birds out ov their nests oph from the topmost limb.They are az handy in a tree top az a yung munkey, but are not pizon tew bight.They hav a festive way ov choking things tew death by making a cravat ov themselfs around the thruts ov their victims.I hav herd ov wicked children being killed in this way, but never knu a boy who tended Sunday skool regular, and who want sassy tew hiz grandfather, and who didn’t eat enny green apples, and hav the stummuk ake in consequents, to get choked bi a blak snaix.Wicked little boys, who pla marbles on Sunday, and who say “Go up, old bald hed,” and who put kittens into tar barrels will make a note ov this.The blak snaix iz about 5 feet in length, and sumtimes haz a white ring around hiz nek.There iz very little poetry in snaix ov enny kind, untill they git their heds smashed, and here iz just whare the poetry comes in.There ain’t much poetry in me, but if I waz called upon tew write an obituary notiss for the whole race ov snaix, who lay dead in one pile, i would take oph mi coat, rool up mi sleeves, and saliva mi hands, and rite sum verses that i wouldn’t be ashamed ov enny how, for i should expekt the solemnity ov the ockashun would help me out ov the skrape.THE MILK SNAIK.The milk snaix hangs around pasture lots, and iz said tew fasten onto the udders ov the cows, and git hiz milk puntch in this underhand way.I don’t beleave this, but in writing the biography ov snaix no man iz obliged tew tell the whole truth about them enny how.Fish and snaix are two things that authors are apt tew consider the fackts ov when they write onto them.I never knu a man yet, not even of fust rate judgment,176if he should ketch a fish that weighed 4 pounds but would guess he weighed 6, and if he should kill a snaix that was 5 feet, and three inches long, would want tew sware he waz 14 foot long, without taking the krooks out ov him.This iz human natur, and human natur is heavy on a marvel.The Bible sez, “marvel not,” and altho i look upon all things in the Bible with the utmost venerashun, I hav wondered if Joner’s ketching the whale just az he did, wasn’t some kind ov authority for the fish storys ov the present daze.If a man in theze times should ketch a whale az Joner did, he would write an ackount ov it, and travel around the kuntry and lektur onto it, and when he deskribed the size ov that whale, if a man wan’t smart in figgures, he would git a poor idea of the animile’s dimenshuns.I never have saw a milk snaix yet, and if i phool milifeaway, and don’t never see one, I don’t intend tew mourn inkonsolably about it.I hav alreddy seen all the snaix I want to, and wouldn’t go a haff a mile from here to see all the snaix on the buzzum ov the earth unless thare waz a bonfire ov them.Snaix ov all kinds hav got but one destiny tew fill, and Divine Providence haz fixt that; it is tew git their heds squeezed by a suitable sized pebble.THE RACCOON, AND THE PETTYFOGGER.TheRaccoon iz a resident of the United States ov America; he emigrated tew this country, soon after its diskovery by Columbus, without a cent, and nothing but hiz claws tew git a living with.He iz one ov them kind ov persons whoze hide iz worth more than all the rest ov him.He resides among the heavy timber, and cultivates the177cornfields and nabring garden sass for sustenance, and understands hiz bizzness.Hiz family consists ov a wife and three children, who liv with him on the inside ov a tree.He can alwus be found at home during the day, reddy tew receive calls, but his nights are devoted tew looking after hiz own affairs.He dresses in soft fur, and hiz tail, which iz round, haz rings on it.Theze rings are ov the same material that the tail iz, and are worn upon all occasions.During the winter he ties himself up into a hard not and lays down by hiz fireside.When spring opens, he opens, and goes out tew see how the chickens hav wintered.Hiz life iz as free from labor az a new penny, and if it wasn’t for the dogs and the rest ov mankind, the rackcoon would find what everyboddy else haz lost—a heaven upon earth.But the dogs tree him and the men skin him, and what there iz left ov him ain’t worth a cuss.He iz not a natral vagabond like the hedgehog and the alligator, but luvs to be civilized and liv amung folks; but he haz one vice that the smartest missionary on earth kan’t redeem, and that iz the art ov stealing.He iz seckond only tew the crow in pettit larceny, and will steal what he kant eat, nor hide.He will tip over a barrell ov apple sass just for the fun ov mauling the sass with his feet, and will pull out the plug out ov the mollassis, not be kause he luvs sugar enny better than he duz yung duck, but jist tew see if the mollassis haz got a good daub tew it.I hav studdied animal deviltry for 18 years, bekause the more deviltry in an animal, the more human he iz.I can’t find, by sarching the passenger list, that Noah had a coon on board, but i am willing tew bet 10 pound ov mutton178sassage, that mister coon, and hiz wife were commuted, by stealing a ride.I never knu a rackcoon tew want ennything long, that he could steal quick.Ennyboddy who haz ever looked a coon, right square in the face, will bet yu a dollar, that he iz a dead beat, or under five hundred dollar bonds, not tew go into the bizzness, for the next ninety days.I hav had tame coons by the dozzen, they are az eazy tew tame az a child, if yu take them young enuff, but i kan’t advise ennybody to cultivate coons, they want az mutch looking after, az a blind mule on a tow path, and thare aint enny more profit in them, than thar iz in a stock dividend, on the Erie Rail Road.I never waz out ov a pet animal since I kan remember, till now, but i hav gone out ov the trade forever; lately, i diskovered, that it waz a good deal like making a whissell out ov a kats tale, ruining a comfortable tale, and reaping a kursid mean whissel.Rackcoons liv tew be 65 years old, if they miss the sosiety ov men, and dogs enuff, but thare aint but few ov them die ov old age; the north western fur company, are the grate undertakers of the coon family.I feel sorry for coons; for with a trifle more brains, they would make respectable pettifoggers before a justiss ov the peace; but even this would not save them from final perdishun.Natur don’t make any mistakes, after all; she hits the bull right in the eye every time: when she wants a rackcoon with rings on hiz tale, she makes him; and when she wants a pettyfogger, she knows how tew make him, without spileing a good coon.Pettyfoggers, no doubt, hav a destiny to fill, and they may enable a justiss ov the peace, in a cloudy day, tew know a good deal less ov the law than he otherwize would; still, for all this, if I war obliged tew pray for one or the other, I think now I should say, Giv us a leetle more coon, and a good deal less pettyfogger.179If the Raccoon would only giv his whole attenshun tew politicks, thar ain’t but few could beat him; he is at home on the stump, and menny on us,old coons, kan reckolekt how, in 1840, with nothing but a hard cider diet, he swept the country, from the north to the south pole, like a cargo ov epsom salts.THE FEATHERED ONES.DUK.Theduk is a foul. Thare aint no doubt about this—naturalists say so, and kommon sense teaches it.
THE CURSID MUSKETO.
THE CURSID MUSKETO.
The musketer iz a short lived bug, but don’t waste enny time; they are alwuss az reddy for bizzness az pepper sass iz, and kan bight 10 minnitts after they are born just az fluently az ever.
Thare iz people in this world so kontrary at heart, and so ignorant, that they wont see enny wisdum in having musketers around; i alwus pitty sutch pholks—their edukashun haz been sorely neglekted and aint level.
Wisdum iz like duks eggs—if yu git them, yu hav got tew sarch for them—thare aint no duks in theze benighted days that will cum and la eggs in yure hand—not a duk, Mr. ——, not a duk.
The musketo is a soshul insex; they liv verry thick amungst each other, and luv the sosiety ov man also, but don’t kontrakt enny ov hiz vices.
Yu never see a musketer that was a defaulter; they never fail to cum to time, altho thousands looze their lives in the effort.
The philosophers tell us that the muskeeters who can’t sing won’t bight; this information may be ov grate use to science, but aint worth mutch to a phellow in a hot nite whare muskeeters are plenty.
If thare ain’t but one musketer out ov ten that kan bight good, that iz enuff to sustain their reputashun.
The philosophers are alwus a telling us sumthing that iz right smart, but the only plan they kan offer us tew get rid ov our sorrows iz to grin and bear them.
They kant rob one single musketer ov hiz stingger by argument. I say bully for the muskeeter!
The muskeeter iz the child ov circumstansis in one respekt—he can be born, or not, and liv, and die a square deth in a lonesum marsh, 1600 miles from the nearest nabor, without ever tasting blood, and be happy all the time; or he kan git into sumboddy’s bed-room thru the key-hole, and take hiz rashuns reglar, and sing sams ov praze and glorificashun.
It don’t kost a muskeeter mutch for hiz board in this world; if he kant find enny boddy to eat he kan set on a blade ov swamp meadow gras and liv himself to deth on the damp fog.
The musketo is a gray bug and haz 6 leggs, a bright eye, a fine busst, a sharp tooth and and a reddy wit.
He dont waste enny time hunting up hiz customers, and alwus lights onto a baby fust if thare iz one on the premises.
I positively fear a musketo.
In the dark, still nite, when every thing iz az noizeless az a pair ov empty slippers, to hear one at the further end ov the room slowly but surely working hiz way up to yu, singing that same hot old sissing tune ov theirs, and harking to feel the exackt spot on yure face whare they intend tew lokate, iz simply premeditated sorrow tew me; i had rather look forward to the time when an elephant waz going tew step onto me.
The musketo haz no friends, and but phew associates; even a mule dispizes them.
But i hav seen human beings who want aktually afraid ov them; i hav seen pholks who had rather hav a muskeeter lite onto them than to have a trakt peddler lite onto them; i hav seen pholks who were so tuff aginst anguish that a muskeeter mite lite onto them enny whare and plunge their dagger in up tew the hilt in vain.
I envy these people their moral stamina, for next tew being virtewous i would like tew be tuff.
This life iz phull ov pesky muskeetos, who are alwus a looking for a job, alwus reddy tew stik a thissell into yu sum whare, and sing while they are doing it.
Dear Mr. ——, pardon me for saying so mutch about the cursid muskeeto, but ov all things on this arth that travel, or set still, for deviltry, thare aint enny bug, enny beast, or enny beastess, that i dred more, and luv less, than i do this same little gray wretch, called cursid muskeeter.
Thehornet is an inflamibel bugger, sudden in hiz impresshuns and hasty in hiz conclusion, or end.
Hiz natral disposishun iz a warm cross between red pepper in the pod and fusil oil, and hiz moral bias iz, “git out ov mi way.”
They hav a long, black boddy, divided in the middle bi a waist spot, but their phisikal importance lays at the terminus ov their subburb, in the shape ov a javelin.
This javelin iz alwas loaded, and stands reddy to unload at a minnit’s warning, and enters a man az still az thought, az spry az litening, and az full ov melankolly az the toothake.
Hornets never argy a case; they settle awl ov their differences ov opinyun bi letting their javelin fly, and are az certain tew hit az a mule iz.
This testy kritter lives in congregations numbering about one hundred souls, but whether they are male and female, or conservative, or matched in bonds ov wedlock, or whether they are Mormons, and a good menny ov them klub together and keep one husband tew save expense, i dont kno nor dont kare.
I never hav examined their habits mutch, i never considered it helthy.
Hornets bild their nests whenever they take a noshun to, and seldom are disturbed, for what would it profit a man tew kill 99 hornets and hav the one hundredth one hit him with hiz javelin?
They bild their nests ov paper, without enny windows to them or back doors. They hav but one place ov admission, and the nest iz the shape ov an overgrown pine-apple, and iz cut up into just az menny bedrooms az thare iz hornets.
It iz very simple tew make a hornets nest if yu kan, but i will argue enny man 300 dollars he kant bild one that he could sell tew a hornet for half price.
Hornets are az bizzy az their second couzzins, the bee, but what they are about the lord only knows, they dont lay up enny honey, nor enny money, they seem tew be bizzy only jist for the sake ov working all the time, they are alwus in az mutch ov a hurry az tho they waz going for a doktor.
I suppose this uneazy world would grind arownd on its axletree onst in 24 hours, even if thare want enny hornets, but hornets must be good for sumthing, but i kant think now what it iz.
Thare haint been a bug made yet in vain, nor one that want a good job, thare iz ever lots ov human men loafing around black smith shops, and cider mills, all over the country, that dont seem tew be necessary for ennything but tew beg plug tobacco and swear, and steal water-melons, but yu let the cholera brake out once, and then yu will see the wisdum ov having jist sich men laying around loose, they help count.
Next tew the cockroach, who stands tew the hed, the hornet haz got the most waste stummuk, in reference tew the rest ov hiz boddy, than enny ov the insek populashun, and here iz another mistery: what on arth duz a hornet want so mutch reserve corps for.
I hav jist thought—tew carry hiz javelin in, thus you see, the more we diskover about things the more we are apt to know.
It iz alwus a good purchase tew pay out our last surviving dollar for wisdum, and wisdum iz like the misterious hens egg,156it aint laid in yure hand, but iz laid away under the barn, and yu hav got tew sarch for it.
The hornet iz an unsoshall kuss, he iz more haughty than he iz proud, he iz a thorough bred bug, but hiz breeding and refinement haz made him like sum other folks i kno ov, dissatisfied with himself, and everyboddy else, too mutch good breding ackts this way sumtimes.
Hornets are long-lived—i kant state jist how long their lives are, but i kno, from instinkt and observashun, that enny kritter, be he bug or be he devil, who is mad all the time, and stings every good chance he kan git, gennerally outlives all his nabers.
The only way tew git at the exact fiteing weight ov the hornet, is tew tutch him, let him hit you once with his javelin, and you will be willing tew testify in court that sumboddy run a one-tined pitchfork into yer; and az for grit, i will state for the informashun ov thoze who haven’t had a chance tew lay in their vermin wisdum az freely az i hav, that one single hornet, who feels well, will brake up a large camp meeting!
What the hornets do for amuzement iz another question i kant answer, but sum ov the best read, and heavyest thinkers amung the naturalists say they hav target excursions, and heave their javelins at a mark; but i don’t imbibe this assershun raw, for i never knu enny boddy, so bitter at heart az the hornets are, to waste a blow.
Thare iz one thing that a hornet duz that i will giv him credit for on mi books—he alwus attends tew hiz own bizzness, and wont allow any boddy else tew attend tew it, and what he duz iz alwuz a good job, you never see them altering enny thing, if they make enny mistakes, it iz after dark, and aint seen.
If the hornets made haff az menny blunders az the men do, even with their javelins, everyboddy would laff at them.
Hornets are clear in another way, they hav found out, bi trieing it, that all they kan git in this world, and bragon, iz their vittles, and clothes, and yu never see one, standing at157the corner ov a street, with a twenty-six inch face on, bekauze sum bank had run oph, and took their money with him.
In ending oph this essa, i will cum tew a stop, by concluding, that if hornets waz a leetle more pensive, and not so darned peremptory with their javelins, they might be guilty ov less wisdum, but more charity.
But yu kant alter bug natur, without spileing it for enny thing else, enny more than yu kan an elephant’s egg.
Therabbit iz a kind ov long-eard and short-taled kat, and reside for a living all over the United States ov Amerika. They are az harmless, so far az pizon is consarned, az a yung goslin.
THE RABBIT.
THE RABBIT.
They liv in holes in the ground, holler logs, and under brush heaps, and kan run faster and stop quicker than any 4 or 6 legged brute.
Their hind legs are twice az long and twice az fast az their fore ones, and they seem tew be bilt best for running up a hill, and backing down it. They are all colors known tew the trade, except green; green rabbits are out ov fashion.
Rabbits bile eazy, and eat soft, and are sed tew be better vittles than the kat.
I don’t kno exacktly how menny rabbits thare are in the United States now, and never expekt tew kno, for thay kan hatch out, and spred faster than the meazles.
One pair ov helthy and industrious rabbits will settle a whole township in 18 months, and begin tew emigrate into the jineing parts.
Rabbits are az eazy tew kill az a cucumber vine when it fust starts out ov the ground, and are az eazy tew ketch az a bad kold.
Rabbits hav no kunning, and but little guile; i hav kept them az pets, and konsider them just about az safe az they are useless.
Their fur iz of sum value, but they are az tender tew skin without tareing, az a biled potater.
Thepoodle iz a small dog, with sore eyes, and hid amungst a good deal ov promiskuss hair.
They are sumtimes white for color, and their hair iz tangled all over them, like the hed ov a yung darkey.
They are kept az pets, and, like all other pets, are az stubborn az a setting hen.
A poodle iz a woman’s pet, and that makes them kind ov sakred, for whatever a woman luvs she worships.
I hav seen poodles that i almost wanted tew swop places with, but the owners ov them didn’t akt to me az tho they wanted tew trade for enny thing.
Thare iz but phew things on the face ov this earth more utterly worthless than a poodle, and yet i am glad thare iz poodles, for if thare wasn’t thare iz some people who wouldn’t hav enny objekt in living, and hav nothing tew luv.
Thare iz nothing in this world made in vain, and poodles are good for fleas.
Fleas are also good for poodles, for they keep their minds employed scratching, and almost every boddy else’s too about the house.
I never knew a man tew keep a poodle. Man’s natur iz too koarse for poodles. A poodle would soon fade and die if a man waz tew nuss him.
I don’t expekt enny poodle, but if enny boddy duz giv me one he must make up hiz mind tew be tied onto a long stick every Saturday, and be used for washing the windows on the outside.
This kind ov nussing would probably make the poodle mad, and probably he would quit, but i kant help it.
If i hav got tew keep a poodle, he haz got tew help wash the windows every Saturday. I am solid on this pint.
Bully for me.
Thepatridgeiz a kind ov wild hen, and liv in the swamps, and on the hill sides that are woody.
They are verry eazy tew ketch with the hand, if yu kan git near enuff tew them tew put salt on their tale, but this iz alwus diffikult for nu beginners.
In the spring ov the year they will drum a tune with their wings on some deserted old log, and if yu draw ni unto them tew observe the musik, they will rize up, and kut a hole thru the air with a hum like a bullet.
Thare iz no burd kan beat a patridge on the wing for one hundred yards, i am authorized tew bet on this.
The patridge are a game burd, and are shot on the wing, if they are not missed.
It iz dreadful natral tew miss a patridge on the fly, especially if a tree gets in the way.
I hav hunted a grate deal for patridge, and lost a grate deal ov time at it.
The patridge lays 14 eggs, and iz az sure tew hatch all her eggs out az a cockroach iz who feels well.
When a brood ov yung patridges fust begin tew toddle about with the old bird, they look like a lot ov last year’s chestnut burs on legs.
Broiled patridge iz good if yu kan git one that waz born during the present century, but thare iz a grate menny patridge around that waz with Noah in the ark, and they are az tuff tew git the meat oph ov az a hoss shu.
But broiled patridge iz better than broiled krow, and i had rather hav broiled krow than broiled mule just for a change.
Thesnipe iz a gray, misterious bird, who git up out ov low, wet places quick, and git back again quick.
They are pure game, and are shot on the move.
They are az tender tew brile az a saddle rok oyster, and eat az eazy az sweetmeats.
The snipe haz a long bill (about the length ov a doktor’s) and git a living bi thrusting it down into the fat earth, and then pumping the juices out with their tounge.
I hav seen snipe so phatt that when they waz shot 50 feet in the air and phell on to the hard ground, they would split open like an egg.
This will sound like a lie to a man who never haz seen it did, but after he haz seen it did, he will feel different about it.
Thecockroach iz a bug at large.
He iz one ov the luxurys ov civilization.
He iz eazy to domestikate, yielding gracefully to ordinary kindness, and never deserting thoze who show him proper ackts ov courtesy.
We are led to beleave, upon a cluss examination ov the outward crust ov these fashionable insekts, that they are a highly successful intermarriage between the brunette pissmire, and the “artikilus bevo” or common Amerikan grasshopper.
Naturalists however differ, which iz to be lamented, for a diversity ov sentiment, upon matters so important to the peace ov mind and moral advancement ov mankind in the lump, creates distrust, and tends to sap the substrata ov all bug ethicks.
But let the learned and polite pull hair az mutch az they pleaze about the ansestral claims ov the cockroach it iz our bizzness and duty, az bug scrutinizer, tew show the critter up az we find him, without caring a single, solitary curse, who hiz grandfather or grandmother acktually waz.
Thare iz no mistaking the fackt that he iz one ov a numerous family, and that hiz attachment tew the home ov hiz boyhood, speaks louder than thunder for hiz affecktionate and unadulterated natur.
He dont leave the place he waz born at upon the slightest provocation, like the giddy and vagrant flea, or the ferocious bed bugg, and untill death, (or sum vile powder, the invenshun ov man) knocks at hiz front door, he and hiz brothers and sisters may be seen with the naked eye, ever and anon calmly climbing the white sugar bowl or running foot races between the butter plates.
How strange it iz that man, made out ov dirt, the cheapest material in market, and the most plenty, should be so determined to rid the world ov evry living bug but himself.
I dont doubt if he could hav hiz own way for six years, evry personal cockroach would be knocked off from the bosom ov the footstool, and not even a pair ov them left to repair damages with.
Such iz man!
The cockroach is born on the fust ov May and the fust ov November semiannually, and is reddy for use in fifteen days from date.
They are born from an egg, four from each egg, and consequently162they are all ov them twins. There is no such thing in the annals ov natur as a single cockroach.
The maternal bug don’t sett upon the egg as the goose doth, but leaves them lie around loose, like a pint ov spilt mustard seed, and don’t seem tew care a darn whether they get ripe or not.
But I never knew a cockroach egg fail tew put in an appearance. They are as sure tew hatch out and run as Kanada thistles, or a bad kold.
The cockroach is ov tew colours, sorrel and black. They are always on the move, and kan trot, I should say, on a good track, and a good day, cluss tew three minnitts.
Their food seems tew consist, not so mutch in what they eat as what they travel, and often finding them dead in my soup at the boarding-house, I hav cum to the conclusion that a cockroach kan’t swim, but they kan float.
Naturalists hav also declared that the cockroach has no double teeth. This is an important fackt, and ought tew be introduced into all the primary school books ov Amerika.
But the most interesting feature ov this remarkable bugg is the lovelyness ov their natures. They kan’t bite nor sting, nor skratch, nor even jaw back. They are so amable that I hav even known them tew get stuck in the butter, and lay there all day, and not holler for help, and aktually die at last with a broken heart.
To realize the meekness ov theze uncomplaining little cusses, let the philosophick mind just for one moment compare them to the pesky flea, who light upon man in hiz strength and woman in her weakness like a red hot shot, or to the warbling musketo, wild from a Nujersey cat-tail marsh, with hiz dagger in hiz mouth ackeing for blood; or, horror ov horrors! to the midnight bed bugg, who creeps out ov a crack az still and az lean az a shadow, and hitches on to the bosom ov buty like a starved leech.
Every man haz a right to pick hiz playmates, but az for me, i had rather visit knee deep among cockroaches than to hear the dieing embers ov a single muskeeter’s song in the163room jineing, or to know that thare waz just one bedbugg left in the world and he waz waiting for mi kandle to go out and for me to pitch into bed.
In conclusion, to show that I aint fooling, i would be willing, if I had them, to swap ten fust class fleas any time for a small sized cockroach, and if the fellow complained that I had shaved him in the trade, I would return the cockroach and sware that we waz even.
Themule is haf hoss and haf Jackass, and then kums tu a full stop, natur diskovering her mistake.
THE MULE.
THE MULE.
Tha weigh more, akordin tu their heft, than enny other kreetur, except a crowbar.
Tha kant hear enny quicker, nor further than the hoss, yet their ears are big enuff for snow shoes.
You kan trust them with enny one whose life aint worth enny more than the mules. The only wa tu keep the mules into a paster, is tu turn them into a medder jineing, and let them jump out.
Tha are reddy for use, just as soon as they will du tu abuse.
Tha haint got enny friends, and will live on huckle berry brush, with an ockasional chanse at Kanada thistels.
Tha are a modern invenshun, i dont think the Bible deludes tu them at tall.
Tha sel for more money than enny other domestik animile. Yu kant tell their age by looking into their mouth, enny more than you kould a Mexican cannons. Tha never hav no dissease that a good club wont heal.
If tha ever die tha must kum rite tu life agin, for i never herd noboddy sa “ded mule.”
Tha are like sum men, verry korrupt at harte; ive known them tu be good mules for 6 months, just tu git a good chanse to kick sumbody.
I never owned one, nor never mean to, unless thare is a United Staits law passed, requiring it.
The only reason why tha are pashunt, is bekause tha are ashamed ov themselfs.
I have seen eddikated mules in a sirkus.
Tha kould kick, and bite, tremenjis. I would not sa what I am forced tu sa again the mule, if his birth want an outrage, and man want tu blame for it.
Enny man who is willing tu drive a mule, ought to be exempt by law from running for the legislatur.
Tha are the strongest creeturs on earth, and heaviest ackording tu their sise; I herd tell ov one who fell oph from the tow path, on the Eri kanawl, and sunk as soon as he touched bottom, but he kept rite on towing the boat tu the nex stashun, breathing thru his ears, which stuck out ov the water about 2 feet 6 inches; i did’nt see this did, but an auctioneer told me ov it, and i never knew an auctioneer tu lie unless it was absolutely convenient.
Ineversee ennybody yet but what despisedBed Bugs. They are the meanest ov aul crawling, creeping, hopping, or biteing things.
They dassent tackle a man bi dalite, but sneak in, after dark, and chaw him while he iz fast asleep.
A musketo will fight you in broad dalite, at short range, and giv you a chance tew knock in hiz sides—the flea iz a game bugg, and will make a dash at you even in Broadway—but the bed-bugg iz a garroter, who waits till you strip, and then picks out a mellow place tew eat you.
If i was ever in the habit ov swearing, i wouldn’t hesitate to damn a bed bugg right tew hiz face.
Bed bugs are uncommon smart in asmallway; one pair ov them will stock a hair mattrass in 2 weeks, with bugs enuff tew last a small family a whole year.
It don’t do enny good to pray when bed bugs are in season; the only way tew git rid ov them iz tew bile up the whole bed in aqua fortis, and then heave it away and buy a new one.
Bed buggs, when they hav grone aul they intend to, are about the size ov a bluejay’s eye, and hav a brown complexion, and when they start out to garrote are az thin az a grease spot, but when they git thru garroting they are swelled up like a blister.
It takes them 3 days tew git the swelling out ov them.
If bed buggs have enny destiny to fill, it must be their stummuks; but it seems tew me that they must hav bin made by acksident, jist az slivvers are, tew stick into sumboddy.
If they waz got up for sum wise purpose, they must hav took the wrong road, for there kant be enny wisdum in chawing a man aul night long, and raising a family, besides, tew foller the same trade.
If there iz sum wisdum in aul this, I hope the bed buggs will chaw them folks who kan see it, and leave me be, bekause i am one ov the hereticks.
Thesmallest animal ov the brute creashun, and the most pesky, iz theFlea.
They are about the bigness ov an onion seed, and shine like a bran new shot.
They spring from low places, and kan spring further and faster than enny ov the bug-brutes.
They bite wuss than the musketoze, for they bite on a run; one flea will go aul over a man’s subburbs in 2 minnitts, and leave him az freckled az the meazels.
It iz impossible to do ennything well with a flea on you, except sware, and fleas aint afraid ov that; the only way iz tew quit bizzness ov aul kinds and hunt for the flea, and when you have found him, he ain’t thare. Thiz iz one ov the flea mysterys, the fackulty they hav ov being entirely lost jist as soon as you hav found them.
I don’t suppose thare iz ever killed, on an average, during enny one year, more than 16 fleas, in the whole ov the United States ov America, unless thare iz a cazualty ov sum kind. Once in a while thare iz a dogg gits drowned sudden, and then thare may be a few fleas lost.
They are about az hard to kill az a flaxseed iz, and if you don’t mash them up az fine az ground pepper they will start bizzness agin, on a smaller kapital, jist az pestiverous az ever.
Thare iz lots ov people who have never seen a flea, and it takes a pretty smart man tew see one ennyhow; they don’t stay long in a place.
If you ever ketch a flea, kill him before you do ennything else; for if you put it oph 2 minnits, it may be too late.
Menny a flea haz past away forever in less than 2 minnits.
Theshanghi ruseter is a gentile, and speaks in a forrin tung.
He is bilt on piles like a Sandy Hill crane.
If he had bin bilt with 4 legs, he wud resembel the peruvian lama.
He is not a game animil, but quite often cums off sekund best in a ruff and tumble fite; like the injuns, tha kant stand sivilization, and are fast disappearing.
Tha roost on the ground, similar tew the mud turkle.
Tha oftin go to sleep standing, and sum times pitch over, and when tha dew, tha enter the ground like a pickaxe.
Thare food consis ov korn in the ear.
Tha crow like a jackass, troubled with the bronskeesucks.
Tha will eat as mutch tu onst as a district skule master, and ginerally sit down rite oph tew keep from tipping over.
SHANGHI.
SHANGHI.
Tha are dredful unhandy tew cook, yu hav tu bile one eend ov them tu a time, yu kant git them awl into a potash kittle tu onst.
The femail ruster lays an eg as big as a kokernut, and is sick for a week afterwards, and when she hatches out a litter of yung shanghis she has tew brood them standing and then168kant kiver but 3 ov them—the rest stand around on the outside, like boys around a cirkus tent, gitting a peep under the kanvas when ever tha kan.
The man who fust brought the breed into this kuntry ought tew own them all and be obliged tew feed them on grasshoppers, caught bi hand.
I never owned but one and he got choked tu deth bi a kink in a clothes line, but not until he had swallered 18 feet ov it.
Not enny shanghi for me, if yu pleze; i wuld rather board a travelling kolporter, and as for eating one, give me a biled owl rare dun, or a turkee buzzard, roasted hole, and stuffed with a pair ov injun rubber boots, but not enny shanghi for me, not a shanghi!
Speaking ov hens, leads me tew remark, in the fust place, that hens, thus far, are a suckcess.
They are domestick, and occasionally are tuff.
This iz owing tew their not being biled often enuff in their younger daze; but the hen ain’t tew blame for this.
Biled hen iz universally respekted.
Thare iz a grate deal ov originality tew the hen—exactly how mutch i kant tell, historians fight so mutch about it. Sum say Knower had hens with him in the ark and sum say he didn’t. So it goes, which and tuther.
I kant tell yu which waz born fust, the hen or the egg; sumtimes i think the egg waz—and sumtimes i think the hen waz—and sumtimes i think i don’t kno, and i kant tell now, which way iz right, for the life ov me.
Laying eggs iz the hen’s best grip.
A hen that kant lay eggs—iz laid out.
One egg iz konsidered a fair day’s work for a hen.Ihav herd ov their doing better, but i don’t want a hen ov mine tew do it—it iz apt tew hurt their constitution and bye-laws, and thus impare their futer worth.
The poet sez, butifully:
“Sumboddy haz stole our old blew hen!I wish they’d let her bee;She used tew lay 2 eggs a day,And Sundays she’d lay 3.”
“Sumboddy haz stole our old blew hen!
I wish they’d let her bee;
She used tew lay 2 eggs a day,
And Sundays she’d lay 3.”
This sounds trewenufffor poetry, but i will bet 75 thousand dollars that it never took place.
The best time tew sett a hen, is when the hen is reddy.
I kant tell you what the best breed is, but the shanghigh is the meanest. It kosts as mutch tew board one, as it duz a stage hoss, and yu mite as well undertake tew fat a fanning-mill, by running oats thru it.
Thare aint no proffit in keeping a hen for his eggs, if he laze less than one a day.
Hens are very long lived, if they dont contrakt the thrut disseaze,—thare is a grate menny goes tew pot, evry year, bi this melankolly disseaze.
I kant tell exactly how tew pick out a good hen, but as a general thing, the long-eared ones, are kounted the best.
The one-legged ones, i kno, are the lest ap tew skratch up a garden.
Eggs packed in equal parts ov salt, and lime water, with the other end down, will keep from 30, or 40, years, if they are not disturbed.
Fresh beef-stake is good for hens; i serpose 4 or 5 pounds a day, would be awl a hen would need, at fust along.
I shall be happee tew advise with yu, at enny time, on the hen question, and—take it in egg.
Theant iz a menny footted insekt.
They live about one thousand five hundred and fifty of them (more or less), in the same hole in the ground, and hold their property in common.
They hav no holydays, no eight-hour sistem, nor never strike for enny higher wages.
They are cheerful little toilers, and hav no malice, nor back door to their hearts.
Their iz no sedentary loafers amung them, and yu never see one out ov a job.
They git up arly, go tew bed late, work all the time, and eat on the run.
Yu never see two ants argueing sum phoolish question that neither ov them didn’t understand; they don’t kare whether the moon iz inhabited, or not; nor whether a fish weighing two pounds, put into a pail ov water allreddy phull, will make the pail slop over, or weigh more.
They ain’t a-hunting after the philosopher’s stone, nor gitting crazy over the cauze of the sudden earthquakes.
They don’t care whether Jupiter iz 30 or 31 millions ov miles up in the air, nor whether the arth bobs around on its axes or not, so long az it don’t bob over their korn krib and spill their barley.
They are simple, little, bizzy aunts, full ov faith, working hard, living prudently, committing no sin, prazeing God by minding their own bizzness, and dieing when their time cums, tew make room for the next crop ov aunts.
They are a reproach to the lazy, an encouragement tew the industrious, a rebuke tew the viscious, and a studdy to the Christian.
If yu want tew take a lesson in arkitekture, go and set down bi the side ov their hole in the ground, and wonder how so menny kan liv so thick.
If yure pashunce needs consolashun, watch the ants, and be strengthened.
If man had (added tew hiz capacity) the pashunce and grit ov theze little atoms ov animated natur, every mountin on the buzzum ov the arth would, before this, hav bin levelled, and every inch ov surface would scream with fruitfulness, and countless lots ov human critters would hav bin added to the inhabitants ov the universe, and bin fed on corn and other sass.
I hav sot by the hour and a haff down near an aunt-hill, and marvelled; hav wondered at their instinkts, and hav thought how big must be the jackass who waz satisfied to beleave that even an ant, the least ov the bugs, could hav been created, made bizzy, and sot to work bychance.
Oh, how i do pity the individual who beleaves that all things here are the work ov an acksident! He robs himself ov all plezzure on earth, and all right in Heaven.
I had rather be an ant (even a humbly, bandy-legged, profane swearing ant), than to look upon the things ov this world az i would on the throw ov the dice.
Ants are older than Adam.
Man (for very wize reasons) want bilt untill all other things were finished, and pronounced good.
If man had bin made fust he would hav insisted upon bossing the rest ov the job.
He probably would hav objekted to having enny little bizzy aunts at all, and various other objekshuns would hav bin offered, equally green.
I am glad that man waz the last thing made.
If man hadn’t hav bin made at all, you would never hav heard me find enny fault about it.
I haven’t much faith in man, not bekauze he kant do well but bekauze he wont.
Ants hav bye laws, and a constitushun, and they mean sumthing.
Their laws aint like our laws, made with a hole in them, so that a man kan steal a hoss and ride thru them on a walk.
They don’t hav enny whisky ring, that iz virtewous, simply, bekauze it hooks bi the millyun, and then legalizes its own ackts.
They don’t hav enny legislators that yu kan buy, nor enny judges, laying around on the haff shell, reddy tew be swallered.
I rather like the aunts, and think now I shall sell out mi money and real estate, and jine them.
I had rather jine them than the bulls or the bears, i like their morals better.
The bulls and the bears handle more money, it iz true, and make a grate deal more noize in Wall street, one ov them sticking his horn into a flabby piece ov Erie and tossing it up into the air, and the other ketching it when it cums down, and trampling it under hiz paws.
This may be phun for the bulls and the bears, but it iz wuss than the cholera morbust for poor Erie.
Ants never disturb Erie; yu couldn’t sell one eny Erie, enny more than you could sell one skrip on the cod-fish banks ov Nufoundland.
Ants are a honest, hard-tugging little people, but whether they marry, and giv in marriage, iz beyond my strength; but if they don’t they are no wuzz oph than they are out west (near the city of Chicago), where they marry to-day and apply for an injunkshun to-morrow; and are reddy the next day to fite it out agin on sum other line.
Wedlok out west (near the grate grain mart Chicago) iz one ov them kind ov locks that almost enny boddy kan pick.
Theadder iz az spotted az a checker-board, and are very butiful tew admire at a propper distance oph.
They hav a koal blak eye, which revolves on its axis, and shines like a glass bead.
They kan be found in wet places, and are handy tew liv, both down in the water, and up on the top ov the land. They kan slip oph from an old bridge, or a log, into a mill pond, az natral, and az eazy, az a pint ov turpentine, and kno how tew swim, and wave, on the brest ov sum water like the shaddo ov the weeping willo.
They are harmless tew bight, but one adder, would spile all the bathing thare waz in a mill pond for me, when i waz a boy.
The striped snaix is one ov the garden varietys. They inhabit door yards, and stun heaps down at the foot ov the garden, and piles ov old boards, and weedy spots, and grass generally.
THE INFANT HERCULES
They are the domestik snaik, if thare iz enny such thing, and are really az harmless az an old garter, but az full ov fraid tew almost every boddy, az a torpedo.
The fust snaix, we hav enny ackount ov much, waz the devil, surnamed bellyzebubb, who wiggled his way into the Garden of Eden, and without a single trump in hiz hand, beat our two original ansesstors, out ov joy inneffible, and glory halleluyer forever, and gave them in exchange for it sorrow without stint, and wo unutterabel. This was an unkommon poor trade for the human family. All snaiks are sneaks, and steal around on their slippry stummuks, az still, and greazy, az lamp ile.
Snaix kant stand the enkroachments ov civilizashun, the seed ov the woman iz alwus after them with a long pole, and a man, post haste for a doktor, will alwuss dismount, and hich hiz animile hoss, tew put an extra hed onto a snaix.
This kind ov treatment has alwus made snaiks raizing a dredful risky bizzness teu follow.
Out ov one thousand snaixs born annually, the staytisstix sho 930 ov them die in a grate hurry, espeshily whare churches and school houses flourish.
I don’t kno ov a more unhelthy spot in the world for a snaix teu settle down and undertaik teu bring up a family than near a distrikt school house.
Let enny body just holler “striped snaix” once, near a distrikt school house, and you will see the snaix begin teu paddle, and the young ones begin tew bile out like hornets out ov their nest, and proceed for that snaix like a flok of young turkeys for a Junebug.
Striped snaiks are about two feet and one haff in length, and about one inch in diameter, and “thareby hangs a tail.”
The blue racer is a Western snaik, about 6 feet in length, ov a pale blue color, and the smartest snaix, for suddenness, in the universe.
They kan run, on a unmown meaddo, as fast as ahoss, with their heds about 2 foot high, and their whole boddy bileing with muscles.
They are az harmless az a rabbit, and will run if you chase them, and then will turn and chase you, if you want them tew play “tag.”
They are froliksom cusses, but I never did hanker for sitch kind of refreshments.
They are the nicest kind ov a mark to shoot at.
Draw a fine sight on their heds when they hold up abov the turf, and let them hav one barrell ov number 6 shot, and the hed will be missing, and the ballance ov the snaix will be looking after the hed in a grate hurry, turning all sorts of back summersets and double and twisted bo knots, and hirogliphick kontortions for 20 minutes, before they make up their mind that it is safe tew die.
It is a dredful krewel sight tew see them ketch a frog, it iz alwus done on a run, and done quick, for the poor frog don’t stand enny more chance ov getting away than a chesnutt tree duz when lightning fires up, and goes for it.
They swallo the frog whole, and stik out with a frog in them like a yung purp who haz allowed a quart ov buttermilk tew find its way into him.
The blak snaix iz the only one i kno ov who kan klimb a175tree without boosting, and take the yung birds out ov their nests oph from the topmost limb.
They are az handy in a tree top az a yung munkey, but are not pizon tew bight.
They hav a festive way ov choking things tew death by making a cravat ov themselfs around the thruts ov their victims.
I hav herd ov wicked children being killed in this way, but never knu a boy who tended Sunday skool regular, and who want sassy tew hiz grandfather, and who didn’t eat enny green apples, and hav the stummuk ake in consequents, to get choked bi a blak snaix.
Wicked little boys, who pla marbles on Sunday, and who say “Go up, old bald hed,” and who put kittens into tar barrels will make a note ov this.
The blak snaix iz about 5 feet in length, and sumtimes haz a white ring around hiz nek.
There iz very little poetry in snaix ov enny kind, untill they git their heds smashed, and here iz just whare the poetry comes in.
There ain’t much poetry in me, but if I waz called upon tew write an obituary notiss for the whole race ov snaix, who lay dead in one pile, i would take oph mi coat, rool up mi sleeves, and saliva mi hands, and rite sum verses that i wouldn’t be ashamed ov enny how, for i should expekt the solemnity ov the ockashun would help me out ov the skrape.
The milk snaix hangs around pasture lots, and iz said tew fasten onto the udders ov the cows, and git hiz milk puntch in this underhand way.
I don’t beleave this, but in writing the biography ov snaix no man iz obliged tew tell the whole truth about them enny how.
Fish and snaix are two things that authors are apt tew consider the fackts ov when they write onto them.
I never knu a man yet, not even of fust rate judgment,176if he should ketch a fish that weighed 4 pounds but would guess he weighed 6, and if he should kill a snaix that was 5 feet, and three inches long, would want tew sware he waz 14 foot long, without taking the krooks out ov him.
This iz human natur, and human natur is heavy on a marvel.
The Bible sez, “marvel not,” and altho i look upon all things in the Bible with the utmost venerashun, I hav wondered if Joner’s ketching the whale just az he did, wasn’t some kind ov authority for the fish storys ov the present daze.
If a man in theze times should ketch a whale az Joner did, he would write an ackount ov it, and travel around the kuntry and lektur onto it, and when he deskribed the size ov that whale, if a man wan’t smart in figgures, he would git a poor idea of the animile’s dimenshuns.
I never have saw a milk snaix yet, and if i phool milifeaway, and don’t never see one, I don’t intend tew mourn inkonsolably about it.
I hav alreddy seen all the snaix I want to, and wouldn’t go a haff a mile from here to see all the snaix on the buzzum ov the earth unless thare waz a bonfire ov them.
Snaix ov all kinds hav got but one destiny tew fill, and Divine Providence haz fixt that; it is tew git their heds squeezed by a suitable sized pebble.
TheRaccoon iz a resident of the United States ov America; he emigrated tew this country, soon after its diskovery by Columbus, without a cent, and nothing but hiz claws tew git a living with.
He iz one ov them kind ov persons whoze hide iz worth more than all the rest ov him.
He resides among the heavy timber, and cultivates the177cornfields and nabring garden sass for sustenance, and understands hiz bizzness.
Hiz family consists ov a wife and three children, who liv with him on the inside ov a tree.
He can alwus be found at home during the day, reddy tew receive calls, but his nights are devoted tew looking after hiz own affairs.
He dresses in soft fur, and hiz tail, which iz round, haz rings on it.
Theze rings are ov the same material that the tail iz, and are worn upon all occasions.
During the winter he ties himself up into a hard not and lays down by hiz fireside.
When spring opens, he opens, and goes out tew see how the chickens hav wintered.
Hiz life iz as free from labor az a new penny, and if it wasn’t for the dogs and the rest ov mankind, the rackcoon would find what everyboddy else haz lost—a heaven upon earth.
But the dogs tree him and the men skin him, and what there iz left ov him ain’t worth a cuss.
He iz not a natral vagabond like the hedgehog and the alligator, but luvs to be civilized and liv amung folks; but he haz one vice that the smartest missionary on earth kan’t redeem, and that iz the art ov stealing.
He iz seckond only tew the crow in pettit larceny, and will steal what he kant eat, nor hide.
He will tip over a barrell ov apple sass just for the fun ov mauling the sass with his feet, and will pull out the plug out ov the mollassis, not be kause he luvs sugar enny better than he duz yung duck, but jist tew see if the mollassis haz got a good daub tew it.
I hav studdied animal deviltry for 18 years, bekause the more deviltry in an animal, the more human he iz.
I can’t find, by sarching the passenger list, that Noah had a coon on board, but i am willing tew bet 10 pound ov mutton178sassage, that mister coon, and hiz wife were commuted, by stealing a ride.
I never knu a rackcoon tew want ennything long, that he could steal quick.
Ennyboddy who haz ever looked a coon, right square in the face, will bet yu a dollar, that he iz a dead beat, or under five hundred dollar bonds, not tew go into the bizzness, for the next ninety days.
I hav had tame coons by the dozzen, they are az eazy tew tame az a child, if yu take them young enuff, but i kan’t advise ennybody to cultivate coons, they want az mutch looking after, az a blind mule on a tow path, and thare aint enny more profit in them, than thar iz in a stock dividend, on the Erie Rail Road.
I never waz out ov a pet animal since I kan remember, till now, but i hav gone out ov the trade forever; lately, i diskovered, that it waz a good deal like making a whissell out ov a kats tale, ruining a comfortable tale, and reaping a kursid mean whissel.
Rackcoons liv tew be 65 years old, if they miss the sosiety ov men, and dogs enuff, but thare aint but few ov them die ov old age; the north western fur company, are the grate undertakers of the coon family.
I feel sorry for coons; for with a trifle more brains, they would make respectable pettifoggers before a justiss ov the peace; but even this would not save them from final perdishun.
Natur don’t make any mistakes, after all; she hits the bull right in the eye every time: when she wants a rackcoon with rings on hiz tale, she makes him; and when she wants a pettyfogger, she knows how tew make him, without spileing a good coon.
Pettyfoggers, no doubt, hav a destiny to fill, and they may enable a justiss ov the peace, in a cloudy day, tew know a good deal less ov the law than he otherwize would; still, for all this, if I war obliged tew pray for one or the other, I think now I should say, Giv us a leetle more coon, and a good deal less pettyfogger.
If the Raccoon would only giv his whole attenshun tew politicks, thar ain’t but few could beat him; he is at home on the stump, and menny on us,old coons, kan reckolekt how, in 1840, with nothing but a hard cider diet, he swept the country, from the north to the south pole, like a cargo ov epsom salts.
Theduk is a foul. Thare aint no doubt about this—naturalists say so, and kommon sense teaches it.