NOTICE: ALL PERSONS THAT DO NOT SEE MY JOKES WILL BE TARRED AND FEATHERED—JOSH BILLINGSTHE FEATHERED ONES.They are bilt sumthing like a hen, and are an up-and-down, flat-footed job. They don’t kackle like the hen, nor kro like the rooster, nor holler like the peakok, nor scream like the goose, nor turk like the turkey; but they quack like a root dokter, and their bill resembles a vetenary surgeon’s.They have a woven fut, and kan float on the water az natral az a sope bubble.They are pretty mutch all feathers, and when the feathers are all removed, and their innards out, thare iz just about az mutch meat on them az thare iz on a krook-necked squash that haz gone tew seed.180Wild duks are very good shooting, and are very good to miss also, unless yu understand the bizness.You should aim about three foot ahead ov them, and let them fly up tew the shot.I hav shot at them all day, and got nothing but a tail-feather now and then; but this satisfied me, for i am crazy for all kind ov sport, yu know.Thare are sum kind ov duks that are very hard tew kill, even if yu do hit them. I shot, one whole afternoon, three years ago, at sum dekoy duks, and never got one ov them. I hav never told ov this before, and hope no one will repeat it—this iz strikly confidenshall.TURKEY.Roast turkey iz good, but turkey with kranberry sass iz better.The turkey iz a sedate person, and seldum forgits herself by gitting onto a frolik.They are ov various colors, and lay from 12 to 18 eggs, and they generally lay them whare noboddy iz looking for them but themselfs.Turkeys travel about nine miles a day, during pleasant weather, in search ov their daily bred, and are smart on a grasshopper, and red hot on a kriket.Wet weather iz bad on a turkey—a good smart shower will drown a yung one, and make an old one look and akt az tho they had just been pulled out ov a swill barrel with a pair of tongs.The maskuline turkey or gobler, as they are familiary called, hav seazons ov strutting which are immense.I hav seen them blow themselfs up with sentiments of pride or anger, and travel around a red flannel petticoat hung onto a clothes line just az tho they waz mad at the petticoat for sumthing it had, did, or sed tew them.The hen turkey alwus haz a lonesum look tew me az tho she had been abuzed bi sumboddy.Turkeys kan endure az mutch kold weather az the vane on181a church steeple, i hav known them tew roost all night on the top limb ov an oak tree, with the thermometer 20 degrees belo zero, and in the morning fly down and wade through the sno in a barn-yard to cool oph.P. S.—If you kant hav kranberry with roast turkey, apple sass will do.THE HOSSTRITCH.The hosstritch iz a citizen ov the dessart, and lay an egg about the size ov a man’s hed the next day after he haz been on a bumming excursion.They resemble in size, and figger about 15 shanghi roosters at once, and are chiefly important for the feathers which inhabit their tails.The hosstritch are hunted on hossbak, and they kan trot a mile kluss to 3 minnitts.They lay their eggs in the sand, and i think the heat ov the sand hatches them out.They ain’t bilt right for hatchin out eggs, enny more than a large-sized figger 4 iz.I don’t kno whether their eggs are good tew eat or not, but i guess not for i never have seen ham and hosstritch eggs advertised on enny ov our fashionable bills ov fare.Biled hosstritch may be nourishing and may be not; I think this would depend a good deal upon who waz called upon tew eat it.I shan’t never enquire for biled hosstritch az long az i remain in mi right mind.If the hosstritch iz a blessing tew the dessert country I hope they will stay thare, for so long as we hav the turkey buzzard, and the Sandy Hill Crane, I feel az tho we could git along, and endure life.I am writing this essa on the hosstritch a good deal by guess, for i hav never seen them in their natiff land, nor never mean to, for jist so long az i kan git 3 meals a day, and liv whare grass groze, and water runs, i don’t mean tew hanker for hot sand.182THE PARROT.The parrot iz a bird ov menny colours, and inklined tew talk.They take holt ov things with their foot, and hang on like a pair ov pinchers.They are the only bird i kno ov who kan konverse in the inglish language, but like meny other nu beginners, they kan learn tew swear the eazyest.They are kept az pets, and like all other pets, are useless.In a wild state ov nature, they may be ov sum use, but they looze about 90 per cent ov their value by civilizashun.They resemble the border injun in this respekt.When yu cum tew take 90 per cent oph from most enny thing, except the striped snaik, it seems tew injure the proffits.I owned a parrot once, for about a year, and then gave him away, i haven’t seen the man I giv him to since, but i presume he looks upon me az a mean kuss.If i owned all the parrotts thare iz in the United States, I would banish them immejiately tew their native land, with the provizo that they should stay thare.I don’t make theze remarks tew injure the feelings ov thoze who hav sot their pheelings on parrotts, or pets ov enny kind, for i kant help but think that a person who gives up their time and tallents tew pets, even a sore eyed lap dorg, displays grate nobility ov karakter. (This last remark wants tew be took different from what it reads.)THE BOBALINK.The bobalink iz a blak bird with white spots on him.They make their appearanse in the northern states about the 10th ov June, and commence bobalinking at once.They inhabit the open land, and luv a meadow that iz a leetle damp.The female bird don’t sing, for the male makes noize enuff for the whole family.They have but one song, but they understand that perfektly well.183When they sing their mouths git az phull ov musik az a man’s duz ov bones who eats fried herring for brekfast.Bobolinks are kept in cages, and three or four ov them in one room make just about as mutch noize az an infant class repeating the multiplikashun table all at once.THE EAGLE.Thare iz a grate deal ov poetry in eagles; they kan look at the sun without winking; they kan split the clouds with their flashing speed; they kan pierce the blu etherial away up ever so fur; they kan plunge into midnight’s blak space like a falling star; they kan set on a giddy krag four thousand miles hi, and looking down onto a green pasture kan tell whether a lamb iz phatt enough tew steal or not.Jupiter, the Peterfunk, god ov the anshunts, had a grate taste for eagles, if we kan beleave what the poeks sing.I hav seen the bald-headed eagle and shot them in all their native majesty, and look upon them with the same kind ov venerashun that i do upon all sheep stealers.NATRAL HISTORY.Itis not the moste deliteful task, tew write the natral history ov theLouse, thare iz enny quantity of thorobred folks, who would konsidder it a kontaminashun, az black az pattent leather, tosaylouse, or eventhinklouse, but a louse is a fackt, and aul fackts are never more at home, nor more unwilling to move, than when they git into the head. Thelouseis one ov the gems ov antiquity. They are worn in the hair, and are more ornamental than useful.Not having enny encyclopedia from which tew sponge mi informashun, and then pass it oph for mi own creashun, i shall be forced, while talking about the louse, “tew fight it out on the line” ov observashun, and when mi knowledge, and experience184gives out, i shall tap mi imaginashun, ov which i hav a crude supply.Book edukashun iz a phatting thing, it makes a man stick out with other folks opinyuns, and iz a good thing tu make the vulgar rool up the white ov their eyes, and wonder how enny man could ever kno so mutch wisdum.Schooling, when I waz a colt, didn’t lie around so loose az it duz now, and learning waz picked up oftner by running yure head aginst a stun wall, than by enny other kind ov mineralogy.I have studied botany all day, in a flat meadow, pulling cowslops for greens, and then classified them, by picking them over and gitting them reddy for the pot.All the astronomy i ever got i larnt in spearing suckers bi moonlite, and mi geoligy culminated at the further end of a woodchucks hole, espeshily if i got the woodchuck.Az for moral philosophy and rhetorick, if it iz the science ov hooking green apples and water-mellons 30 years ago, and being auful sorry for it now, i am up head in that class.But all this iz remote from the louse.The louse iz a familiar animal, very sedentary in hiz habits, not apt tew git lost. They kan be cultivated without the aid ov a guide book, and with half a chance will multiply and thicken az much az pimples on the goose.Thare iz no ground so fruitful for the full development ov this little domestick collateral, az a districkt school hous, and while the yung idea iz breaking its shell, and playing hide and go seek on the inside ov the dear urchins skull, the louse iz playing tag on the outside, and quite often gets on to the school mom.I hav alwus had a hi venerashun for the louse, not bekause i consider them az enny evidence of genius, or even neatness, but becauze they remind me ov my boyhood innocence, the days away back in the alpahabet ov memory, when i sot on the flatt side ov a slab bench, and spelt out old Webster with one hand, and stirred the top ov my head with the other.Philosophikally handled, the louse are gregarious, and were185a complete suckcess at one time in Egypt, bible historians don’t hesitate tew say, that they were aul the rage at that time, the whole crust ov the earth simmered and biled with them, like a pot ov steaming flax seed, they were a drug in the market.But this waz more louse than waz necessary, or pleasant, and waz a punishment for sum sin, and ain’t spoke ov, az a matter tew brag on.The louse are all well enuff in their place, and for the sake ov variety, perhaps a few ov them are just az good az more would be.They were desighned for sum wize purpose, and for that very reason, are respektabel.When, (in the lapse of time,) it cums tew be revealed to us, that a single louse, chewing away on the summit ov Daniel Webster’s head, when he waz a little schoolboy, waz the telegraphick tutch tew the wire that bust the fust idee in hiz brain, we shall see wisdom in the louse, and shant stick up our noze, untill we turn a back summersett, at these venerable soldjers, in the grand army ov progression.After we hav reached years ov discretion, and have got our edukashun, and our karakters have got done developing, and we begin tew hold offiss, and are elekted justiss ov the peace, for instance, and don’t seem tew need enny more louse tew stir us up, it iz time enuff then tew be sassy to them.Az for me, thare iz only one piece (thus far) ov vital creation, that i aktuallyhate, and that iz a bed-bugg. I simplydispizesnaiks,fearmusketoze,avoidfleas, don’tassociatewith the cockroach,go aroundtoads,back outsquare for a hornet.Nevertheless, moreover, to wit, i must say, even at this day of refinement, and bell letters, i do aktually luv to stand on tip-toe, and see a romping, red-cheeked, blew-eyed boy, chased up stairs and then down stair, and then out in the garden, and finally caught and throwed, and held firmly between hiz mother’s kneeze, and see an old, warped, fine-toothed horn comb go and come, half buried through a flood ov lawless hair, and drag each trip to the light, a fat and lively louse—and,186in conclusion, to hear him pop as mother pins him with her thum nail fast tew the center ov the comb, fills me chuck up to the brim with something, i don’t know what the feeling iz; perhaps sumboddy out ov a job can tell me.KATS.Akatiz sed to hav 9 lives, but i beleaf they dont hav but one square deth.It iz allmost unpossible to tell when a kat iz ded without the aid ov a koroners jury.I hav only one way miself to judge ov a ded kat.KATS.If a kat iz killed in the fall ov the year, and thrown over the stun wall into yure nabors lot, and lays thare all winter187under a sno bank, and dont thaw out in the spring, and keeps quiet during the summer months, and aint missing when winter sets in agin, I have alwus sed, that, ‘that kat,’ waz ded, or waz playing the thing dredful fine.Speaking ov kats, mi opinyun iz, and will continue to be, that the old-fashioned kaliko-coulered kats iz the best breed for a man ov moderate means, who haint got but little munny to put into kats.They propugate the most intensely, and lay around the stove more regular than the Maltese, or the brindle kind.The yeller kat iz a fair kat, but they ain’t reliable; they are apt tew stay out late nights, and once in a while git on a bad bust.Blak kats hav a way ov gitting on the top ov the wood-house when other folks hav gone tew bed, and singing dewets till their voices spile, and their tails swell till it seems az tho they must split.THE HUM BUGG.Themost vain and impudent bug known to naturalists (or enny other private individual) iz the hum bugg.They have no very partickular parents nor birth place, are born a good deal az tud stools are, wherever they kan find a good soft spot.It haz been sed by commontaters that Satan himself iz the father ov hum buggs—if this iz a fakt he haz got more children than he kan watch, and sum very fast yung ones amungst them.The hum buggs don’t generally live a grate while at once, but have the fackulty ov dieing in one place, and being suddenly born in another.They are ov awl genders, including the maskuline, feminine and nutral, and kan liv and grow phatt whare an honest bugg would starve to death begging.188The hum bugg will eat enny thing that they kan bite, and rather than loose a good meal will swaller a thing whole.Every one sez they dispize the hum bugg and yet every boddy iz anxious tew make their acquaintance.They hav the ontra to all cirkles ov sosiety without knocking from the highest tew the lowest, and tho often kicked out, are welcumed again and flattered more than ever.The hum bugg haz more friends than he knows what to do with, but he manages tew giv general satisfakshun by cheating the whole of them.The Bible sez “the grasshopper iz a burden”—and i believe it—but i think the hum bugg iz the heavyest bug ov the two.But the world kant well spare the hum bugg; take them all out ov the world, and it would bother even an honest man tew git a living, for thare doesn’t seem, jist now, to be honesty enuff on hand to do our immense dry good bizzness with.Honesty iz undoubtedly the best policy for a long run, but for a short race, hum bugg haz made sum excellent time.I hav been bit bad bi this bugg miself several times, but not twice in the same spot—i follow the Skriptures when i am whare the hum bugg is plenty, if one bites me on one cheek, i turn him the other cheek also, but i don’t let him bite the other cheek also.Thare ain’t enny boddy, i suppose, who acktually pines tew be bit by this selebrated bugg, they only luv tew see how near they can cum tew it without missing.Human natur iz chuck full ov curiosity, curiosity iz jist what hum bugg makes menny a warm meal oph ov.Sum ov theze bugg are not so sharp bitten and pizen az others, but this iz not so mutch owing tew their disposishun az it iz tew their natur; they all ov them bite the full length ov their teeth.If thare iz enny boddy who hain’t never been bit bi a hum bugg yet, he must be sumboddy who has always staid at home with his uncle, and, lived on bread and milk, or was born numb all the way through, and couldn’t feel any kind ov a bite.189If i should hear a man brag that one ov these bugscouldn’tbite him, I should set him down at once for a man who wan’t a good judge ov the truth. The bite of a hum bugg iz wuss than a hornet’s, and always different from a dog’s, for the dog growls, and then bites, but the hum bugg bites, and lets you do the growling.THE BUGG BEAR.NatralHistory has its myths and its ghosts, az well az enny boddy else, and foremost among these iz—thebugg bear.The bugg bear iz born from an imaginary egg, and iz hatched by an imaginary process.They are like a shadow in the afternoon, always a good deal bigger than the thing that casts it.They are compozed ov two entirely different animals, thebuggand thebear, but generally turn out to be pretty much all bug.They are like the assetts on a bankrupt broker, the more you examine them, the smaller they grow.I have known them tew cum out ov a hole like a mice, and grow in tew minnits az big az an elephant, and then run back agin into the same hole they cum out ov.They are like a young wild pigeon in their habits, the biggest when they are first born.They are common to all countrys and all peoples, the philosophers hav seen them az often az the children hav, and ben as badly skared by them.They are az innocent az a rag doll, but are az full ov deviltry az a jack lantern.Bugg bears are az plenty in this world az pins on the side walks, but noboddy ever sees them but those folks who are alwus hunting for them.190THE GAME CHICKEN.Lo, and behold the game rooster!He weighs about 3 pounds and a quarter, more or less, and iz reddy tew fite for a kingdom. He stands up on hiz feet like a piece ov ginger-root, with each feacher fastened in its place.THE GAME CHICKEN.Hiz eye gleams in its socket like a soltaire on the queen’s finger.Hiz head iz like the snaiks head, and his beak shines like the point ov a dagger.When he steps, he steps like a bunch ov kat gurt, and hiz crow iz like the yung injuns fust whoop on the warpath. Hiz plumage gives back the sun shine like the ruby and amethist, and hiz legs are all golden.Hiz gaffs are ov burnt steel, and hiz tail and wing feathers are clipped for the battle.Bring on the other rooster.THE DUK.TheDuk iz a kind ov short legged hen.When cooked they are very good means ov nourishment, in fakt, it will do to call roste duk and apple sass eazy tew contend with.191The duk haz a big foot for the size ov their boddy, but their foot iz not the right kind ov a foot for digging in the garden.Their foot iz like a small spider’s web, only more substanshul bilt.They are amphipicuss, and kan sale on the water az natral and eazy az a grease spot.They kan div in the water az handy az a hull frog, and never git water soaked.Water won’t stay quiet on a duk’s back no longer than quicksilver will whare it iz down hill.Duks hav a broad bill which enables them tew eat their food without enny spoon.They are more proffitable tew keep than a hen, bekauze they kan eat so mutch faster.Duks are addikted tew a wild state ov natur, but civilizashun haz did sumthing handsum for duks, and made them the companyuns ov man and old wimmin.Next tew her grand children, an old woman thinks most ov her duks.The duk iz a good hand tew raze feathers, which groze all over their person simultanously without enny order.Thare aint any room on the outside ov a duk for enny more feathers.They shed their feathers by having them pulled out, and these feathers make a good, tuff bed.A duk’s feather bed iz a good place tew raze nite mares on.Men often call their wifes their “dear duks,” this is on ackount ov their big bills.The duk don’t kro like a rooster, but quaks like a duk.They do a good deal ov quacking that don’t amount tew mutch.Sumtimes doktors are called quacks, but i never hav bin told whi.The duk iz not the most profitable bird extant for vittles; for, when yu hav got oph all the feathers, and pull out their stummuk, thare aint enny more left on them, than thare iz on the outside ov an eg shel.192They are fust rate feeders, and alwus hav a leetle more appetight left.Their leggs are lokated on their boddy like a pair ov hind leggs, and i hav seen them eat till they tipt over forwards.Duks ought to hav a pair ov before leggs, and then they couldn’t eat themselfs oph from their feet.Duks la eggs, but don’t la them around loose.Hunting duks’ eggs iz a mitey cluss transackshun.A man couldn’t earn 30 cents a day and board himself, hunting duks’ eggs.The wild duk iz a game bird, and are shot on the wing.They kan fli next faster tew a wild pigeon, and if yu aim right at them on the wing, yure shot will hit whare the wild duk just waz.I hav seen akres ov them git up oph from the water at once; they made az mutch noize az the breaking up ov a kamp meeting.I hav often fired into them with a dubble-barrelled gun, when they waz rizing, with both mi eyes shut, and never injured enny duk, az i kno ov.I always waz fust rate at missing wild duks on the move.Sumtimes a duk gits lame, and, when they do, they lay rite down and giv it up.Thare ain’t no 2 legged thing on the face ov this earth kan outlimp a lame duk.Yu often hear the term “lame duk” applied tew sum men, and perhaps never knu what it ment.Studdy natur, and yu will find out whare all the truth cums from.THE SANDY HILL CRANE.Thecrane iz neither flesh, beast, nor fowl, but a sad mixtur ov all theze things.He mopes along the brinks ov kreeks and wet places, looking for sumthing he haz lost.He haz a long bill, long wings, long legs, and iz long all over.193He iz born ov one egg and goes thru life az lonesum az a lasts year’s bird’s nest.He livs upon lizzards and frogs, and picks up things with hiz bill az he would with a pair ov tongs.He sleeps standing like a gide board, and sumtimes tips over in hiz dreams, and then hiz bill enters the ground like a pik ax.When he flies thru the the air, he iz az graceful az a windmill, broke loose from its fastenings.Cranes are not very plenty in this world, but the supply, up tew this date, just about equals the demand.The crane iz not a good bird for diet; the meat tastes like injun rubber stretched tight over a clothes hoss.I never hav et enny crane, nor don’t mean to, untill all the biled owl in the country givs out.I kant tell what the Sandy Hill crane waz made for, and it aint none ov mi bizzness—even a crane from Sandy Hill kan fill hiz destiny, and praize God loafing along the banks ov a kreek and spearing frogs for hiz dinner.I hav spent mutch time among the birds, beasts, and fishes, and expekt tew spend more, and tho i couldn’t never tell exackly what cumfort a musketo waz tew the bulk ov mankind, or what kredit he waz tew himself, i am forced tew admit that enny thing so perfektly and delikately made iz, to say the least, a dredful smart job.Cranes are very long-lived, and are az free from guile az a bread pill iz.Cranes seldom git shot. Thare iz two reazons for this; one iz, they alwus keep gitting a leetle further oph; and the other iz, thare would be no more kredit for a hunter in bringing a ded crane home for game than thare would be a yeller dog.MORE SNAIKS.THE RATTLESNAIX.Therattlesnaik iz ov a dull yaller color, from four to six feet in size, ackordin tew length, and all the way ov a bigness.194They hav a pizon tooth, and a dedly natur.MORE SNAIKS.On the further end ov their boddy they hav sum loose bones, which they kan play a tune upon, which makes the noize from which they take their name from.Thare iz only one remidy for the bite ov a rattlesnaik that I kno ov, and that iz whisky.I have seen a man that had bin bit bi one, drink three quarts ov whisky, and be sober enuff all the time tew jine the sons ov tempranse.I hope I never shall be bit bi a rattlesnaix, not so mutch on ackount ov the snaik az on ackount ov the whisky.I think three quarts ov whiskey in mi person at onst would keep me drunk forevermore.The grate mortal enemy ov the snaiks iz the hog.I have seen a woods hog take after a rattlesnaix, and ketch him in running 50 yards, and with 3 rips and a snatch, tare mister rattlesnaix into ribbons, and then swallo him whole without saying grace.The woods, or wild hog, iz the grate snakes eradikator. They will hunt for them like a setter dog for a woodkok, and if the snaix bight them, they hav a way ov laying down in a mud hole and soaking the pizon all out ov them.THE HOOP SNAIK.This remarkable snaix haz a funny way ov taking their tail195in their mouth and making a hoop ov themselfs. They kan travel a good gait.Thare iz a tradishun that the end ov their tale iz ov bone, and iz filled with pizon, ov the most deadly dimenshuns, but I think this iz only a lie.Az I sed before, it iz so natral tew lie about snaix that it iz a great wonder to me that they don’t leave this world entirely, and take up their abode sumwhare else, whare they kan hav a fair show.I am about 7 eights ov a mind tew beleave that the hoop snaix iz one ov P. T. Barnum kind ov kritters, that yu pay yure money tew see in the menagarie, and then take yure chances.The only way tew git at the truth about snaix iz to believe all yu hear, and more too.THE ANAKONDY.The anakondy iz the grate original land snaix, 365 feet in length, 4 feet below the eyes, 19 feet in circumference, and kan swallow an ox whole, if yu will saw hiz horns off.They kan wind themselfs around the tallest oaks in the forest, and tare it up bi the roots, and lay waist a whole village in their wrath.The anakondy iz a resident ov the tropikal klimates. He would freeze up solid in Vermont the fust winter, and would be kut up into kord wood bi the natives.Anakondy wood, i should think, if it waz green, would make a lazy fire.THE GARTER SNAIX.The garter snaik derives hiz name from the habit he haz ov slipping up a gentlemen’s leg, and tieing himself into an artistik bo knot about hiz stocking, just belo the knee.This iz more ornamental than pleasant, and haz been known tew result in the deth ov the snaix.I kan imagine several things more pleasant than a live snaix festooned around one ov my legs; but then I am a nervous196individual, and when enny thing begins tew krawl around on me promiskus, I am too apt tew inquire into suddenly.I suppoze thare iz plenty ov stoicks would luv tew hav a snaix do this, and would pat him on the hed, and chuck him under the chin, and sich like.I giv all snaix fair notiss that they kant garter me, and if I couldn’t git rid of them enny other way, I would dissever miself from the leg, and stump it the rest ov mi daze.But the more i reflekt upon theze things, the more i think the garter snaix iz a mith—a kind of inexplicable thing, indiskribabel, full ov mistery, and iz a mere type or shaddo ov the old, time-honored garter itself.Thare iz a grate deal ov dream-like mist and wonderment in the garter.They liv in poetry and song, and are seldum seen.THE EEL SNAIK.The eel snaix iz the only kind that iz valuable for food.They will bight a hook az cheerfully az a snapping turtle, and hang on like a puppy tew an old kowhide boot.They are much eazier tew git onto a hook than to git oph, for when yu draw them out ov the water they will tie themselfs and the fish line into more than 7 hundred dilemmas.I had just az leafs take a bumbel bee oph from a dandylion az an eel off from a hook.Fried eels are sed tew be good, but I alwus hav tew shut at least one eye when I eat them.I don’t know az an eel iz the same az a snaix exactly, but they are near enuff to suit me.THE SEE SARPENT SNAIX.The see sarpent snaik beats all the snaix that have ever put in an appearanse yet.Thare ain’t but one ov them, and he haz only been seen 5 times az yet.The fust time he was seen waz off Nahant, on the Amerikan shore, and waz seen thare twice afterwards.197He haz been seen twice at Newport, and we are told by the knowing ones, that he certainly may be expekted thare next season, and all judicious persons are urged tew engage their rooms at the hotels, in time tew witness the grate moral show.This snaix iz believed bi naturalists tew be one thousand feet in length, with a head on him az big az a two story log-hous.He mezzures one hundred feet in diameter, and iz 90 feet from hiz mouth tew the baze ov hiz fust phin.He haz tew rows ov teeth in his upper and lower jaws, each tooth being three foot in length, and requires 10 tons ov fish for hiz daily support.He coils himself about the largest whale, and crushes him tew jelly, in about 15 minnitts.He travels between the coast ov Labrador and the Gulph ov Mexico, and kan make, aginst a hed wind, one hundred and thirty-six nots an hour.The crowned heds ov Europe would giv almost ennything if he would visit their shores, but he iz theGrate Amerikan Snaix, and don’t hav tew leave home.THE KOPPER-HED SNAIX.This pison kuss iz about 18 inches long, ov a dark yello colour, and az phull ov natral venom az a quart ov modern whiskey.They live on the side hills amung the rocks and stones, and are alwus reddy tew bight at a minnitt’s notiss.They are the meanest snaix that meanders for a living, and thare iz pizen enuff in one ov them to kill oph a whole tribe ov border injuns, if it waz judiciously applied.I have killed them miself in the month ov August when they waz so phull ov deadly virus that it would make yu sea-sik tew look at them.I kant think ov a meaner deth than tew be bit by a kopper-hed and then lay down and die; it iz almost az unpleasant az being hung.198Snaix dun a bad job for man in the gardin ov Eden, and whi they are still allowed tew hang around this world iz one ov thoze misterys which are a hard job for an unedukated man like me tew explain.I abhor a snaix ov enny kind, but when they hav the power ov pizoning a fellow, added tew their ability tew skare him into fits, they are sublimely pestiverous.THE BLU JAY AND OTHERS.THE BLUJAY.Theblujay iz the dandy amung birds, a feathered fop, a jackanapes by natur, and ov no use only tew steal korn and eat it on a rail.THE BLUJAY.They are a misterious bird, for I hav seen them solitary and alone in the wooded wilderness, one hundred miles from enny sighns ov civilizashun.Az a means ov diet, they are just about az luxurious az a biled indigo bag would be, such az the washwimmin use tew blue their clothes with.The blujay haz no song—they kant sing even “From Greenland’s Icy Mountains;” but i must sa that a flok ov them, flying amung the evergreens on a kold winter’s morning, are hi colored and eazy tew look at.199It iz hard work for me to say a harsh word aginst the birds, but when i write their history it iz a duty i owe tew posterity not to lie.THE QUAIL.The quail iz a game bird, about one size bigger than the robin, and so sudden that they hum when they fly.They hav no song, but whissell for musik; the tune iz solitary and sad.They are shot on the wing, and a man may be good in arithmetick, fust rate at parseing, and even be able tew preach acceptably, but if he hain’t studdied quail on the wing, he might az well shoot at a streak ov lightning in the sky az at a quail on the go.Briled quail, properly supported with jellys, toast, and a champane Charlie, iz just the most diffikult thing, in mi humble opinyun, to beat in the whole history ov vittles and sumthing tew drink.I am no gourmand, for i kan eat bred and milk five days out ov seven, and smak mi lips after i git thru, but if i am asked to eat briled quail by a friend, with judishious accompanyments, i blush at fust, then bow mi hed, and then smile sweet acquiescence—in other words, I always quail before such a request.THE PATRIDGE.The patridge iz also a game bird. Their game iz tew drum on a log in the spring ov the year, and keep both eyes open, watching the sportsmen.Patridges are shot on the wing, and are az easy to miss az a ghost iz.It iz phun enuff to see the old bird hide her yung brood when danger iz near. This must be seen, it kant be described and make enny boddy beleave it.The patridge, grouse, and pheasant are cousins, and either one ov them straddle a gridiron natural enuff tew hav bin born thare.200Take a couple of yung patridges and pot them down, and serve up with the right kind ov a chorus, and they beat the ham sandwich yu buy in the Camden and Amboy Railroad 87 1-2 per cent.I have eat theze lamentabel Nu Jersey ham sandwich, and must sa that i prefer a couple ov bass wood chips, soaked in mustard water, and stuk together with Spalding’s glue.THE WOODKOK.The woodkok iz one ov them kind ov birds who kan git up from the ground with about az much whizz, and about az bizzy az a fire-kracker, and fly away az krooked az a kork-skrew.They feed on low, wet lands, and only eat the most delikate things.They run their tungs down into the soft earth, and gather tender juices and tiny phood.They hav a long, slender bill, and a rich brown plumage, and when they lite on the ground yu lose sight ov them az quick az yu do ov a drop ov water when it falls into a mill pond.The fust thing yu generally see ov a woodkok iz awhizz, and the last thing awhurr.How so many ov them are killed on the wing iz a mistery to me, for it iz a quicker job than snatching pennys oph a red-hot stove.I hav shot at them often, but i never heard ov my killing one ov them yet.They are one ov the game birds, and menny good judges think they are the most elegant vittles that wear feathers.THE GUINA HEN.The guina hen iz a spekled kritter, smaller than the goose, and bigger than the wild pigeon.They hav a keen eye, and a red kokade on their heds, and alwas walk on the run.They lay eggs in great profushun, but they lay them so201much on the sly, that they often kan’t find them themselfs.They are az freckled az a coach dog, and just about az tuff tew eat az a half-biled krow.They hav a voic like a piccallo flute, and for racket two ov them kan make a saw that iz being filed ashamed ov itself.They are a very shy bird, and the nearer yu git tew them the further they git oph.They are more ornamental than uceful, but are chiefly good tew frighten away hawks.They will see a hawk up in the sky three miles and a-half off, and will begin at once tew holler and make a fuss about it.THE GOSLIN.The goslin iz the old goose’s yung child. They are yeller all over, and az soft az a ball ov worsted. Their foot iz wove whole, and they kan swim az eazy az a drop of kaster oil on the water.They are born annually about the 15th ov May, and never waz known tew die natually.If a man should tell me he had saw a goose die a natral and square deth, I wouldn’t believe him under oath after that, not even if he swore he had lied about seeing a goose die.The goose are different in one respekt from the human family, who are sed tew grow weaker but wizer; whereaz a goslin alwus grows tuffer and more phoolish.I hav seen a goose that they sed waz 93 years old last June, and he didn’t look an hour older than one that waz 17.The goslin waddles when he walks, and paddles when he swims, but never dives, like a duk, out ov sight in the water, but only changes ends.The food ov the goslin iz rye, corn, oats, and barley, sweet apples, hasty pudding, and biled kabbage, cooked potatoze, raw meat, and turnips, stale bred, kold hash, and the buckwheat kakes that are left over.They ain’t so partiklar az sum pholks what they eat, and won’t git mad and quit if they kan’t hav wet toast and lam chops every morning for breakfast.202If i waz a going tew keep boarders, i wouldn’t want enny better feeders than an old she goose and 12 goslins. If i kouldn’t suit them i should konklude i had mistaken mi kalling.Roast goslin iz good nourishment, if you kan git enuff ov it, but thare aint much waste meat on a goslin, after yu hav got rid ov their feathers, and dug them out inside.I hav alwus notissd, when yu pass yure plate up for sum more baked goslin, at a hotel, the colored brother cums bak empty with plate, and tells yu, “Mister, the roast goslin iz no more.”SMALL-SIZED VERMIN.THE GRUB.Thegrub iz all the fashionabel kullers except checkered, i never have saw a checkered grub so far.I would giv ten cents tew see a checkered grub.The grub (that i am talking about) boards in old rotten logs, and dekayed stumps, and grubs for a living.They are about one intch in size, and are bilt like a skrew.They look for all the world like a short strip ov phatt pork.They enter rotten wood, like an intch skrew, pursewed bi a skrew-driver.They are very mutch retired in their habits, and are az free from anger az a tudstool.Sum pholks kant see enny munny in a grub, but i kan.I hav chopt them out ov an old stump, the further end ov April, and then put them onto a hook, and krept down behind a bunch of willows, in the meadow, and dropt them, kind a natral, into the swift water, and in less than forty seckonds hav jerked out ov the silvery flood twelve ounces ov trout, and while he turned purple, and gold summersetts on the grass, i hav had mi harte swell up in me, like a halleluyer.203I had rather ketch a trout in this way than tew be president ov the United States for the same length ov time.
NOTICE: ALL PERSONS THAT DO NOT SEE MY JOKES WILL BE TARRED AND FEATHERED—JOSH BILLINGSTHE FEATHERED ONES.
THE FEATHERED ONES.
They are bilt sumthing like a hen, and are an up-and-down, flat-footed job. They don’t kackle like the hen, nor kro like the rooster, nor holler like the peakok, nor scream like the goose, nor turk like the turkey; but they quack like a root dokter, and their bill resembles a vetenary surgeon’s.
They have a woven fut, and kan float on the water az natral az a sope bubble.
They are pretty mutch all feathers, and when the feathers are all removed, and their innards out, thare iz just about az mutch meat on them az thare iz on a krook-necked squash that haz gone tew seed.
Wild duks are very good shooting, and are very good to miss also, unless yu understand the bizness.
You should aim about three foot ahead ov them, and let them fly up tew the shot.
I hav shot at them all day, and got nothing but a tail-feather now and then; but this satisfied me, for i am crazy for all kind ov sport, yu know.
Thare are sum kind ov duks that are very hard tew kill, even if yu do hit them. I shot, one whole afternoon, three years ago, at sum dekoy duks, and never got one ov them. I hav never told ov this before, and hope no one will repeat it—this iz strikly confidenshall.
Roast turkey iz good, but turkey with kranberry sass iz better.
The turkey iz a sedate person, and seldum forgits herself by gitting onto a frolik.
They are ov various colors, and lay from 12 to 18 eggs, and they generally lay them whare noboddy iz looking for them but themselfs.
Turkeys travel about nine miles a day, during pleasant weather, in search ov their daily bred, and are smart on a grasshopper, and red hot on a kriket.
Wet weather iz bad on a turkey—a good smart shower will drown a yung one, and make an old one look and akt az tho they had just been pulled out ov a swill barrel with a pair of tongs.
The maskuline turkey or gobler, as they are familiary called, hav seazons ov strutting which are immense.
I hav seen them blow themselfs up with sentiments of pride or anger, and travel around a red flannel petticoat hung onto a clothes line just az tho they waz mad at the petticoat for sumthing it had, did, or sed tew them.
The hen turkey alwus haz a lonesum look tew me az tho she had been abuzed bi sumboddy.
Turkeys kan endure az mutch kold weather az the vane on181a church steeple, i hav known them tew roost all night on the top limb ov an oak tree, with the thermometer 20 degrees belo zero, and in the morning fly down and wade through the sno in a barn-yard to cool oph.
P. S.—If you kant hav kranberry with roast turkey, apple sass will do.
The hosstritch iz a citizen ov the dessart, and lay an egg about the size ov a man’s hed the next day after he haz been on a bumming excursion.
They resemble in size, and figger about 15 shanghi roosters at once, and are chiefly important for the feathers which inhabit their tails.
The hosstritch are hunted on hossbak, and they kan trot a mile kluss to 3 minnitts.
They lay their eggs in the sand, and i think the heat ov the sand hatches them out.
They ain’t bilt right for hatchin out eggs, enny more than a large-sized figger 4 iz.
I don’t kno whether their eggs are good tew eat or not, but i guess not for i never have seen ham and hosstritch eggs advertised on enny ov our fashionable bills ov fare.
Biled hosstritch may be nourishing and may be not; I think this would depend a good deal upon who waz called upon tew eat it.
I shan’t never enquire for biled hosstritch az long az i remain in mi right mind.
If the hosstritch iz a blessing tew the dessert country I hope they will stay thare, for so long as we hav the turkey buzzard, and the Sandy Hill Crane, I feel az tho we could git along, and endure life.
I am writing this essa on the hosstritch a good deal by guess, for i hav never seen them in their natiff land, nor never mean to, for jist so long az i kan git 3 meals a day, and liv whare grass groze, and water runs, i don’t mean tew hanker for hot sand.
The parrot iz a bird ov menny colours, and inklined tew talk.
They take holt ov things with their foot, and hang on like a pair ov pinchers.
They are the only bird i kno ov who kan konverse in the inglish language, but like meny other nu beginners, they kan learn tew swear the eazyest.
They are kept az pets, and like all other pets, are useless.
In a wild state ov nature, they may be ov sum use, but they looze about 90 per cent ov their value by civilizashun.
They resemble the border injun in this respekt.
When yu cum tew take 90 per cent oph from most enny thing, except the striped snaik, it seems tew injure the proffits.
I owned a parrot once, for about a year, and then gave him away, i haven’t seen the man I giv him to since, but i presume he looks upon me az a mean kuss.
If i owned all the parrotts thare iz in the United States, I would banish them immejiately tew their native land, with the provizo that they should stay thare.
I don’t make theze remarks tew injure the feelings ov thoze who hav sot their pheelings on parrotts, or pets ov enny kind, for i kant help but think that a person who gives up their time and tallents tew pets, even a sore eyed lap dorg, displays grate nobility ov karakter. (This last remark wants tew be took different from what it reads.)
The bobalink iz a blak bird with white spots on him.
They make their appearanse in the northern states about the 10th ov June, and commence bobalinking at once.
They inhabit the open land, and luv a meadow that iz a leetle damp.
The female bird don’t sing, for the male makes noize enuff for the whole family.
They have but one song, but they understand that perfektly well.
When they sing their mouths git az phull ov musik az a man’s duz ov bones who eats fried herring for brekfast.
Bobolinks are kept in cages, and three or four ov them in one room make just about as mutch noize az an infant class repeating the multiplikashun table all at once.
Thare iz a grate deal ov poetry in eagles; they kan look at the sun without winking; they kan split the clouds with their flashing speed; they kan pierce the blu etherial away up ever so fur; they kan plunge into midnight’s blak space like a falling star; they kan set on a giddy krag four thousand miles hi, and looking down onto a green pasture kan tell whether a lamb iz phatt enough tew steal or not.
Jupiter, the Peterfunk, god ov the anshunts, had a grate taste for eagles, if we kan beleave what the poeks sing.
I hav seen the bald-headed eagle and shot them in all their native majesty, and look upon them with the same kind ov venerashun that i do upon all sheep stealers.
Itis not the moste deliteful task, tew write the natral history ov theLouse, thare iz enny quantity of thorobred folks, who would konsidder it a kontaminashun, az black az pattent leather, tosaylouse, or eventhinklouse, but a louse is a fackt, and aul fackts are never more at home, nor more unwilling to move, than when they git into the head. Thelouseis one ov the gems ov antiquity. They are worn in the hair, and are more ornamental than useful.
Not having enny encyclopedia from which tew sponge mi informashun, and then pass it oph for mi own creashun, i shall be forced, while talking about the louse, “tew fight it out on the line” ov observashun, and when mi knowledge, and experience184gives out, i shall tap mi imaginashun, ov which i hav a crude supply.
Book edukashun iz a phatting thing, it makes a man stick out with other folks opinyuns, and iz a good thing tu make the vulgar rool up the white ov their eyes, and wonder how enny man could ever kno so mutch wisdum.
Schooling, when I waz a colt, didn’t lie around so loose az it duz now, and learning waz picked up oftner by running yure head aginst a stun wall, than by enny other kind ov mineralogy.
I have studied botany all day, in a flat meadow, pulling cowslops for greens, and then classified them, by picking them over and gitting them reddy for the pot.
All the astronomy i ever got i larnt in spearing suckers bi moonlite, and mi geoligy culminated at the further end of a woodchucks hole, espeshily if i got the woodchuck.
Az for moral philosophy and rhetorick, if it iz the science ov hooking green apples and water-mellons 30 years ago, and being auful sorry for it now, i am up head in that class.
But all this iz remote from the louse.
The louse iz a familiar animal, very sedentary in hiz habits, not apt tew git lost. They kan be cultivated without the aid ov a guide book, and with half a chance will multiply and thicken az much az pimples on the goose.
Thare iz no ground so fruitful for the full development ov this little domestick collateral, az a districkt school hous, and while the yung idea iz breaking its shell, and playing hide and go seek on the inside ov the dear urchins skull, the louse iz playing tag on the outside, and quite often gets on to the school mom.
I hav alwus had a hi venerashun for the louse, not bekause i consider them az enny evidence of genius, or even neatness, but becauze they remind me ov my boyhood innocence, the days away back in the alpahabet ov memory, when i sot on the flatt side ov a slab bench, and spelt out old Webster with one hand, and stirred the top ov my head with the other.
Philosophikally handled, the louse are gregarious, and were185a complete suckcess at one time in Egypt, bible historians don’t hesitate tew say, that they were aul the rage at that time, the whole crust ov the earth simmered and biled with them, like a pot ov steaming flax seed, they were a drug in the market.
But this waz more louse than waz necessary, or pleasant, and waz a punishment for sum sin, and ain’t spoke ov, az a matter tew brag on.
The louse are all well enuff in their place, and for the sake ov variety, perhaps a few ov them are just az good az more would be.
They were desighned for sum wize purpose, and for that very reason, are respektabel.
When, (in the lapse of time,) it cums tew be revealed to us, that a single louse, chewing away on the summit ov Daniel Webster’s head, when he waz a little schoolboy, waz the telegraphick tutch tew the wire that bust the fust idee in hiz brain, we shall see wisdom in the louse, and shant stick up our noze, untill we turn a back summersett, at these venerable soldjers, in the grand army ov progression.
After we hav reached years ov discretion, and have got our edukashun, and our karakters have got done developing, and we begin tew hold offiss, and are elekted justiss ov the peace, for instance, and don’t seem tew need enny more louse tew stir us up, it iz time enuff then tew be sassy to them.
Az for me, thare iz only one piece (thus far) ov vital creation, that i aktuallyhate, and that iz a bed-bugg. I simplydispizesnaiks,fearmusketoze,avoidfleas, don’tassociatewith the cockroach,go aroundtoads,back outsquare for a hornet.
Nevertheless, moreover, to wit, i must say, even at this day of refinement, and bell letters, i do aktually luv to stand on tip-toe, and see a romping, red-cheeked, blew-eyed boy, chased up stairs and then down stair, and then out in the garden, and finally caught and throwed, and held firmly between hiz mother’s kneeze, and see an old, warped, fine-toothed horn comb go and come, half buried through a flood ov lawless hair, and drag each trip to the light, a fat and lively louse—and,186in conclusion, to hear him pop as mother pins him with her thum nail fast tew the center ov the comb, fills me chuck up to the brim with something, i don’t know what the feeling iz; perhaps sumboddy out ov a job can tell me.
Akatiz sed to hav 9 lives, but i beleaf they dont hav but one square deth.
It iz allmost unpossible to tell when a kat iz ded without the aid ov a koroners jury.
I hav only one way miself to judge ov a ded kat.
KATS.
KATS.
If a kat iz killed in the fall ov the year, and thrown over the stun wall into yure nabors lot, and lays thare all winter187under a sno bank, and dont thaw out in the spring, and keeps quiet during the summer months, and aint missing when winter sets in agin, I have alwus sed, that, ‘that kat,’ waz ded, or waz playing the thing dredful fine.
Speaking ov kats, mi opinyun iz, and will continue to be, that the old-fashioned kaliko-coulered kats iz the best breed for a man ov moderate means, who haint got but little munny to put into kats.
They propugate the most intensely, and lay around the stove more regular than the Maltese, or the brindle kind.
The yeller kat iz a fair kat, but they ain’t reliable; they are apt tew stay out late nights, and once in a while git on a bad bust.
Blak kats hav a way ov gitting on the top ov the wood-house when other folks hav gone tew bed, and singing dewets till their voices spile, and their tails swell till it seems az tho they must split.
Themost vain and impudent bug known to naturalists (or enny other private individual) iz the hum bugg.
They have no very partickular parents nor birth place, are born a good deal az tud stools are, wherever they kan find a good soft spot.
It haz been sed by commontaters that Satan himself iz the father ov hum buggs—if this iz a fakt he haz got more children than he kan watch, and sum very fast yung ones amungst them.
The hum buggs don’t generally live a grate while at once, but have the fackulty ov dieing in one place, and being suddenly born in another.
They are ov awl genders, including the maskuline, feminine and nutral, and kan liv and grow phatt whare an honest bugg would starve to death begging.
The hum bugg will eat enny thing that they kan bite, and rather than loose a good meal will swaller a thing whole.
Every one sez they dispize the hum bugg and yet every boddy iz anxious tew make their acquaintance.
They hav the ontra to all cirkles ov sosiety without knocking from the highest tew the lowest, and tho often kicked out, are welcumed again and flattered more than ever.
The hum bugg haz more friends than he knows what to do with, but he manages tew giv general satisfakshun by cheating the whole of them.
The Bible sez “the grasshopper iz a burden”—and i believe it—but i think the hum bugg iz the heavyest bug ov the two.
But the world kant well spare the hum bugg; take them all out ov the world, and it would bother even an honest man tew git a living, for thare doesn’t seem, jist now, to be honesty enuff on hand to do our immense dry good bizzness with.
Honesty iz undoubtedly the best policy for a long run, but for a short race, hum bugg haz made sum excellent time.
I hav been bit bad bi this bugg miself several times, but not twice in the same spot—i follow the Skriptures when i am whare the hum bugg is plenty, if one bites me on one cheek, i turn him the other cheek also, but i don’t let him bite the other cheek also.
Thare ain’t enny boddy, i suppose, who acktually pines tew be bit by this selebrated bugg, they only luv tew see how near they can cum tew it without missing.
Human natur iz chuck full ov curiosity, curiosity iz jist what hum bugg makes menny a warm meal oph ov.
Sum ov theze bugg are not so sharp bitten and pizen az others, but this iz not so mutch owing tew their disposishun az it iz tew their natur; they all ov them bite the full length ov their teeth.
If thare iz enny boddy who hain’t never been bit bi a hum bugg yet, he must be sumboddy who has always staid at home with his uncle, and, lived on bread and milk, or was born numb all the way through, and couldn’t feel any kind ov a bite.
If i should hear a man brag that one ov these bugscouldn’tbite him, I should set him down at once for a man who wan’t a good judge ov the truth. The bite of a hum bugg iz wuss than a hornet’s, and always different from a dog’s, for the dog growls, and then bites, but the hum bugg bites, and lets you do the growling.
NatralHistory has its myths and its ghosts, az well az enny boddy else, and foremost among these iz—thebugg bear.
The bugg bear iz born from an imaginary egg, and iz hatched by an imaginary process.
They are like a shadow in the afternoon, always a good deal bigger than the thing that casts it.
They are compozed ov two entirely different animals, thebuggand thebear, but generally turn out to be pretty much all bug.
They are like the assetts on a bankrupt broker, the more you examine them, the smaller they grow.
I have known them tew cum out ov a hole like a mice, and grow in tew minnits az big az an elephant, and then run back agin into the same hole they cum out ov.
They are like a young wild pigeon in their habits, the biggest when they are first born.
They are common to all countrys and all peoples, the philosophers hav seen them az often az the children hav, and ben as badly skared by them.
They are az innocent az a rag doll, but are az full ov deviltry az a jack lantern.
Bugg bears are az plenty in this world az pins on the side walks, but noboddy ever sees them but those folks who are alwus hunting for them.
Lo, and behold the game rooster!
He weighs about 3 pounds and a quarter, more or less, and iz reddy tew fite for a kingdom. He stands up on hiz feet like a piece ov ginger-root, with each feacher fastened in its place.
THE GAME CHICKEN.
THE GAME CHICKEN.
Hiz eye gleams in its socket like a soltaire on the queen’s finger.
Hiz head iz like the snaiks head, and his beak shines like the point ov a dagger.
When he steps, he steps like a bunch ov kat gurt, and hiz crow iz like the yung injuns fust whoop on the warpath. Hiz plumage gives back the sun shine like the ruby and amethist, and hiz legs are all golden.
Hiz gaffs are ov burnt steel, and hiz tail and wing feathers are clipped for the battle.
Bring on the other rooster.
TheDuk iz a kind ov short legged hen.
When cooked they are very good means ov nourishment, in fakt, it will do to call roste duk and apple sass eazy tew contend with.
The duk haz a big foot for the size ov their boddy, but their foot iz not the right kind ov a foot for digging in the garden.
Their foot iz like a small spider’s web, only more substanshul bilt.
They are amphipicuss, and kan sale on the water az natral and eazy az a grease spot.
They kan div in the water az handy az a hull frog, and never git water soaked.
Water won’t stay quiet on a duk’s back no longer than quicksilver will whare it iz down hill.
Duks hav a broad bill which enables them tew eat their food without enny spoon.
They are more proffitable tew keep than a hen, bekauze they kan eat so mutch faster.
Duks are addikted tew a wild state ov natur, but civilizashun haz did sumthing handsum for duks, and made them the companyuns ov man and old wimmin.
Next tew her grand children, an old woman thinks most ov her duks.
The duk iz a good hand tew raze feathers, which groze all over their person simultanously without enny order.
Thare aint any room on the outside ov a duk for enny more feathers.
They shed their feathers by having them pulled out, and these feathers make a good, tuff bed.
A duk’s feather bed iz a good place tew raze nite mares on.
Men often call their wifes their “dear duks,” this is on ackount ov their big bills.
The duk don’t kro like a rooster, but quaks like a duk.
They do a good deal ov quacking that don’t amount tew mutch.
Sumtimes doktors are called quacks, but i never hav bin told whi.
The duk iz not the most profitable bird extant for vittles; for, when yu hav got oph all the feathers, and pull out their stummuk, thare aint enny more left on them, than thare iz on the outside ov an eg shel.
They are fust rate feeders, and alwus hav a leetle more appetight left.
Their leggs are lokated on their boddy like a pair ov hind leggs, and i hav seen them eat till they tipt over forwards.
Duks ought to hav a pair ov before leggs, and then they couldn’t eat themselfs oph from their feet.
Duks la eggs, but don’t la them around loose.
Hunting duks’ eggs iz a mitey cluss transackshun.
A man couldn’t earn 30 cents a day and board himself, hunting duks’ eggs.
The wild duk iz a game bird, and are shot on the wing.
They kan fli next faster tew a wild pigeon, and if yu aim right at them on the wing, yure shot will hit whare the wild duk just waz.
I hav seen akres ov them git up oph from the water at once; they made az mutch noize az the breaking up ov a kamp meeting.
I hav often fired into them with a dubble-barrelled gun, when they waz rizing, with both mi eyes shut, and never injured enny duk, az i kno ov.
I always waz fust rate at missing wild duks on the move.
Sumtimes a duk gits lame, and, when they do, they lay rite down and giv it up.
Thare ain’t no 2 legged thing on the face ov this earth kan outlimp a lame duk.
Yu often hear the term “lame duk” applied tew sum men, and perhaps never knu what it ment.
Studdy natur, and yu will find out whare all the truth cums from.
Thecrane iz neither flesh, beast, nor fowl, but a sad mixtur ov all theze things.
He mopes along the brinks ov kreeks and wet places, looking for sumthing he haz lost.
He haz a long bill, long wings, long legs, and iz long all over.
He iz born ov one egg and goes thru life az lonesum az a lasts year’s bird’s nest.
He livs upon lizzards and frogs, and picks up things with hiz bill az he would with a pair ov tongs.
He sleeps standing like a gide board, and sumtimes tips over in hiz dreams, and then hiz bill enters the ground like a pik ax.
When he flies thru the the air, he iz az graceful az a windmill, broke loose from its fastenings.
Cranes are not very plenty in this world, but the supply, up tew this date, just about equals the demand.
The crane iz not a good bird for diet; the meat tastes like injun rubber stretched tight over a clothes hoss.
I never hav et enny crane, nor don’t mean to, untill all the biled owl in the country givs out.
I kant tell what the Sandy Hill crane waz made for, and it aint none ov mi bizzness—even a crane from Sandy Hill kan fill hiz destiny, and praize God loafing along the banks ov a kreek and spearing frogs for hiz dinner.
I hav spent mutch time among the birds, beasts, and fishes, and expekt tew spend more, and tho i couldn’t never tell exackly what cumfort a musketo waz tew the bulk ov mankind, or what kredit he waz tew himself, i am forced tew admit that enny thing so perfektly and delikately made iz, to say the least, a dredful smart job.
Cranes are very long-lived, and are az free from guile az a bread pill iz.
Cranes seldom git shot. Thare iz two reazons for this; one iz, they alwus keep gitting a leetle further oph; and the other iz, thare would be no more kredit for a hunter in bringing a ded crane home for game than thare would be a yeller dog.
Therattlesnaik iz ov a dull yaller color, from four to six feet in size, ackordin tew length, and all the way ov a bigness.
They hav a pizon tooth, and a dedly natur.
MORE SNAIKS.
MORE SNAIKS.
On the further end ov their boddy they hav sum loose bones, which they kan play a tune upon, which makes the noize from which they take their name from.
Thare iz only one remidy for the bite ov a rattlesnaik that I kno ov, and that iz whisky.
I have seen a man that had bin bit bi one, drink three quarts ov whisky, and be sober enuff all the time tew jine the sons ov tempranse.
I hope I never shall be bit bi a rattlesnaix, not so mutch on ackount ov the snaik az on ackount ov the whisky.
I think three quarts ov whiskey in mi person at onst would keep me drunk forevermore.
The grate mortal enemy ov the snaiks iz the hog.
I have seen a woods hog take after a rattlesnaix, and ketch him in running 50 yards, and with 3 rips and a snatch, tare mister rattlesnaix into ribbons, and then swallo him whole without saying grace.
The woods, or wild hog, iz the grate snakes eradikator. They will hunt for them like a setter dog for a woodkok, and if the snaix bight them, they hav a way ov laying down in a mud hole and soaking the pizon all out ov them.
This remarkable snaix haz a funny way ov taking their tail195in their mouth and making a hoop ov themselfs. They kan travel a good gait.
Thare iz a tradishun that the end ov their tale iz ov bone, and iz filled with pizon, ov the most deadly dimenshuns, but I think this iz only a lie.
Az I sed before, it iz so natral tew lie about snaix that it iz a great wonder to me that they don’t leave this world entirely, and take up their abode sumwhare else, whare they kan hav a fair show.
I am about 7 eights ov a mind tew beleave that the hoop snaix iz one ov P. T. Barnum kind ov kritters, that yu pay yure money tew see in the menagarie, and then take yure chances.
The only way tew git at the truth about snaix iz to believe all yu hear, and more too.
The anakondy iz the grate original land snaix, 365 feet in length, 4 feet below the eyes, 19 feet in circumference, and kan swallow an ox whole, if yu will saw hiz horns off.
They kan wind themselfs around the tallest oaks in the forest, and tare it up bi the roots, and lay waist a whole village in their wrath.
The anakondy iz a resident ov the tropikal klimates. He would freeze up solid in Vermont the fust winter, and would be kut up into kord wood bi the natives.
Anakondy wood, i should think, if it waz green, would make a lazy fire.
The garter snaik derives hiz name from the habit he haz ov slipping up a gentlemen’s leg, and tieing himself into an artistik bo knot about hiz stocking, just belo the knee.
This iz more ornamental than pleasant, and haz been known tew result in the deth ov the snaix.
I kan imagine several things more pleasant than a live snaix festooned around one ov my legs; but then I am a nervous196individual, and when enny thing begins tew krawl around on me promiskus, I am too apt tew inquire into suddenly.
I suppoze thare iz plenty ov stoicks would luv tew hav a snaix do this, and would pat him on the hed, and chuck him under the chin, and sich like.
I giv all snaix fair notiss that they kant garter me, and if I couldn’t git rid of them enny other way, I would dissever miself from the leg, and stump it the rest ov mi daze.
But the more i reflekt upon theze things, the more i think the garter snaix iz a mith—a kind of inexplicable thing, indiskribabel, full ov mistery, and iz a mere type or shaddo ov the old, time-honored garter itself.
Thare iz a grate deal ov dream-like mist and wonderment in the garter.
They liv in poetry and song, and are seldum seen.
The eel snaix iz the only kind that iz valuable for food.
They will bight a hook az cheerfully az a snapping turtle, and hang on like a puppy tew an old kowhide boot.
They are much eazier tew git onto a hook than to git oph, for when yu draw them out ov the water they will tie themselfs and the fish line into more than 7 hundred dilemmas.
I had just az leafs take a bumbel bee oph from a dandylion az an eel off from a hook.
Fried eels are sed tew be good, but I alwus hav tew shut at least one eye when I eat them.
I don’t know az an eel iz the same az a snaix exactly, but they are near enuff to suit me.
The see sarpent snaik beats all the snaix that have ever put in an appearanse yet.
Thare ain’t but one ov them, and he haz only been seen 5 times az yet.
The fust time he was seen waz off Nahant, on the Amerikan shore, and waz seen thare twice afterwards.
He haz been seen twice at Newport, and we are told by the knowing ones, that he certainly may be expekted thare next season, and all judicious persons are urged tew engage their rooms at the hotels, in time tew witness the grate moral show.
This snaix iz believed bi naturalists tew be one thousand feet in length, with a head on him az big az a two story log-hous.
He mezzures one hundred feet in diameter, and iz 90 feet from hiz mouth tew the baze ov hiz fust phin.
He haz tew rows ov teeth in his upper and lower jaws, each tooth being three foot in length, and requires 10 tons ov fish for hiz daily support.
He coils himself about the largest whale, and crushes him tew jelly, in about 15 minnitts.
He travels between the coast ov Labrador and the Gulph ov Mexico, and kan make, aginst a hed wind, one hundred and thirty-six nots an hour.
The crowned heds ov Europe would giv almost ennything if he would visit their shores, but he iz theGrate Amerikan Snaix, and don’t hav tew leave home.
This pison kuss iz about 18 inches long, ov a dark yello colour, and az phull ov natral venom az a quart ov modern whiskey.
They live on the side hills amung the rocks and stones, and are alwus reddy tew bight at a minnitt’s notiss.
They are the meanest snaix that meanders for a living, and thare iz pizen enuff in one ov them to kill oph a whole tribe ov border injuns, if it waz judiciously applied.
I have killed them miself in the month ov August when they waz so phull ov deadly virus that it would make yu sea-sik tew look at them.
I kant think ov a meaner deth than tew be bit by a kopper-hed and then lay down and die; it iz almost az unpleasant az being hung.
Snaix dun a bad job for man in the gardin ov Eden, and whi they are still allowed tew hang around this world iz one ov thoze misterys which are a hard job for an unedukated man like me tew explain.
I abhor a snaix ov enny kind, but when they hav the power ov pizoning a fellow, added tew their ability tew skare him into fits, they are sublimely pestiverous.
Theblujay iz the dandy amung birds, a feathered fop, a jackanapes by natur, and ov no use only tew steal korn and eat it on a rail.
THE BLUJAY.
THE BLUJAY.
They are a misterious bird, for I hav seen them solitary and alone in the wooded wilderness, one hundred miles from enny sighns ov civilizashun.
Az a means ov diet, they are just about az luxurious az a biled indigo bag would be, such az the washwimmin use tew blue their clothes with.
The blujay haz no song—they kant sing even “From Greenland’s Icy Mountains;” but i must sa that a flok ov them, flying amung the evergreens on a kold winter’s morning, are hi colored and eazy tew look at.
It iz hard work for me to say a harsh word aginst the birds, but when i write their history it iz a duty i owe tew posterity not to lie.
The quail iz a game bird, about one size bigger than the robin, and so sudden that they hum when they fly.
They hav no song, but whissell for musik; the tune iz solitary and sad.
They are shot on the wing, and a man may be good in arithmetick, fust rate at parseing, and even be able tew preach acceptably, but if he hain’t studdied quail on the wing, he might az well shoot at a streak ov lightning in the sky az at a quail on the go.
Briled quail, properly supported with jellys, toast, and a champane Charlie, iz just the most diffikult thing, in mi humble opinyun, to beat in the whole history ov vittles and sumthing tew drink.
I am no gourmand, for i kan eat bred and milk five days out ov seven, and smak mi lips after i git thru, but if i am asked to eat briled quail by a friend, with judishious accompanyments, i blush at fust, then bow mi hed, and then smile sweet acquiescence—in other words, I always quail before such a request.
The patridge iz also a game bird. Their game iz tew drum on a log in the spring ov the year, and keep both eyes open, watching the sportsmen.
Patridges are shot on the wing, and are az easy to miss az a ghost iz.
It iz phun enuff to see the old bird hide her yung brood when danger iz near. This must be seen, it kant be described and make enny boddy beleave it.
The patridge, grouse, and pheasant are cousins, and either one ov them straddle a gridiron natural enuff tew hav bin born thare.
Take a couple of yung patridges and pot them down, and serve up with the right kind ov a chorus, and they beat the ham sandwich yu buy in the Camden and Amboy Railroad 87 1-2 per cent.
I have eat theze lamentabel Nu Jersey ham sandwich, and must sa that i prefer a couple ov bass wood chips, soaked in mustard water, and stuk together with Spalding’s glue.
The woodkok iz one ov them kind ov birds who kan git up from the ground with about az much whizz, and about az bizzy az a fire-kracker, and fly away az krooked az a kork-skrew.
They feed on low, wet lands, and only eat the most delikate things.
They run their tungs down into the soft earth, and gather tender juices and tiny phood.
They hav a long, slender bill, and a rich brown plumage, and when they lite on the ground yu lose sight ov them az quick az yu do ov a drop ov water when it falls into a mill pond.
The fust thing yu generally see ov a woodkok iz awhizz, and the last thing awhurr.
How so many ov them are killed on the wing iz a mistery to me, for it iz a quicker job than snatching pennys oph a red-hot stove.
I hav shot at them often, but i never heard ov my killing one ov them yet.
They are one ov the game birds, and menny good judges think they are the most elegant vittles that wear feathers.
The guina hen iz a spekled kritter, smaller than the goose, and bigger than the wild pigeon.
They hav a keen eye, and a red kokade on their heds, and alwas walk on the run.
They lay eggs in great profushun, but they lay them so201much on the sly, that they often kan’t find them themselfs.
They are az freckled az a coach dog, and just about az tuff tew eat az a half-biled krow.
They hav a voic like a piccallo flute, and for racket two ov them kan make a saw that iz being filed ashamed ov itself.
They are a very shy bird, and the nearer yu git tew them the further they git oph.
They are more ornamental than uceful, but are chiefly good tew frighten away hawks.
They will see a hawk up in the sky three miles and a-half off, and will begin at once tew holler and make a fuss about it.
The goslin iz the old goose’s yung child. They are yeller all over, and az soft az a ball ov worsted. Their foot iz wove whole, and they kan swim az eazy az a drop of kaster oil on the water.
They are born annually about the 15th ov May, and never waz known tew die natually.
If a man should tell me he had saw a goose die a natral and square deth, I wouldn’t believe him under oath after that, not even if he swore he had lied about seeing a goose die.
The goose are different in one respekt from the human family, who are sed tew grow weaker but wizer; whereaz a goslin alwus grows tuffer and more phoolish.
I hav seen a goose that they sed waz 93 years old last June, and he didn’t look an hour older than one that waz 17.
The goslin waddles when he walks, and paddles when he swims, but never dives, like a duk, out ov sight in the water, but only changes ends.
The food ov the goslin iz rye, corn, oats, and barley, sweet apples, hasty pudding, and biled kabbage, cooked potatoze, raw meat, and turnips, stale bred, kold hash, and the buckwheat kakes that are left over.
They ain’t so partiklar az sum pholks what they eat, and won’t git mad and quit if they kan’t hav wet toast and lam chops every morning for breakfast.
If i waz a going tew keep boarders, i wouldn’t want enny better feeders than an old she goose and 12 goslins. If i kouldn’t suit them i should konklude i had mistaken mi kalling.
Roast goslin iz good nourishment, if you kan git enuff ov it, but thare aint much waste meat on a goslin, after yu hav got rid ov their feathers, and dug them out inside.
I hav alwus notissd, when yu pass yure plate up for sum more baked goslin, at a hotel, the colored brother cums bak empty with plate, and tells yu, “Mister, the roast goslin iz no more.”
Thegrub iz all the fashionabel kullers except checkered, i never have saw a checkered grub so far.
I would giv ten cents tew see a checkered grub.
The grub (that i am talking about) boards in old rotten logs, and dekayed stumps, and grubs for a living.
They are about one intch in size, and are bilt like a skrew.
They look for all the world like a short strip ov phatt pork.
They enter rotten wood, like an intch skrew, pursewed bi a skrew-driver.
They are very mutch retired in their habits, and are az free from anger az a tudstool.
Sum pholks kant see enny munny in a grub, but i kan.
I hav chopt them out ov an old stump, the further end ov April, and then put them onto a hook, and krept down behind a bunch of willows, in the meadow, and dropt them, kind a natral, into the swift water, and in less than forty seckonds hav jerked out ov the silvery flood twelve ounces ov trout, and while he turned purple, and gold summersetts on the grass, i hav had mi harte swell up in me, like a halleluyer.
I had rather ketch a trout in this way than tew be president ov the United States for the same length ov time.