CHAPTER XXVII.
Illustration: THE BAMBOOZLE, ADVANCED WITH A HOP, A SKIP AND A JUMP.
Chancy Mountebank Dephool Flea, the Prince of Bamboozlers.—His Wonderful Patriotism in Going Abroad Every Summer.—The Dogs Find Themselves Heirs to Greater Liberty Than They Thought For.—Great Success of the Bamboozle.
Illustration: DECORATIVE LETTER ‘T’.
THEN arose President Chancy Mountebank Dephool Flea, and, after telling his flea friends in a cautionary whisper not to laugh or in any other way “give away” the Bamboozle, advanced with a hop, a skip and a jump to the front and ordered the loud-noise-producing instruments to play up, and the pretty cloths to be waved on high, which, having been done, quite took away the sadness of the dogs and put them in great good humor. Then he stood on his head, and danced on one leg, andturned several somersaults backwards and forwards, and grinned and smiled, and told the dogs some very facetious stories and jokes, which caused them to howl with delirious joy, and declare that that day was the happiest one they had known in many years, and that Chancy Mountebank was, without exception, the funniest fool of a flea they had ever seen, God bless him.
Then he walked upside down across the stage, which made the dogs howl still more, and then advanced to the front and said to the dogs:
“Fellow citizens of this great and prosperous country [great surprise amongst the dogs and much winking amongst the Bamboozlers and other fleas], the highly favored of heaven and the envy of the whole world [great astonishment of the dogs as the fact dawns upon them], land of the free and home of the brave [uncontrollable tittering amongst the Bamboozling Committee as they lower their heads to hide it, and remarks: “aint he a dandy?” “he’s away ahead of you, brother Blatherskite, in the art of dog fooling,” and “the Lord is with us,” from One a Maker of long prayers]. My theme to-day is Liberty, glorious Liberty. My dear fellow citizens, ye have no idea of the incomparable heritage of honor and glory and blessing ye have in the fact that ye have been born and are privileged to live in this wonderful free town and country [tremendous agitation and delight amongst the dogs at this new discovery, which, coming upon their empty stomachs, caused several of the more famished and attenuated to drop dead].
“The very fact that ye were born to freedom, and have been used to it all your lives, renders you unable to properly appreciate your incomparable blessing; for, as the proverbs have it, ‘The blessings we have we value not,’ and ‘We never value the water till the well runs dry.’ Our beloved fellow citizens there, who have just fallen dead, would have been alive now had they daily habituated themselves to thankfulness and the proper estimation of their privileges. But if ye had had the opportunities as I have had of comparing your lot in this highly favored land, withthat of the dogs in the rest of the world beyond the pond, your hearts would swell to bursting with infinite gratitude, and your tongues, attuned to thankfulness, would wag with an everlastingJubilate Deo. [Tears of remorse and penitence well up in the eyes of the dogs at this, and cries of “Lord, make us more thankful,” are heard everywhere, while Grandadhat and Mak Tinley snicker and tickle each other, and ask Carnivorous what he thinks of “Our Chancy,” to which Andronicus replies, “I envy him; his polished and elegant way of lying is as far above my coarse and clumsy way as the smoothness of velvet is above the roughness of sandpaper.” And One a Maker of long prayers, says, “It’s as good as a Means of Grace.”]
“Oh, my dear fellow citizens, ye know that I am the flea that goeth and cometh over the pond every year. For many years I have regarded it as a sacred duty I owe to God and my beloved native country, to go away over the pond every Summer, partly, and as a minor consideration, to recruit my health and obtain a little rest from my terribly exhausting duty of making myself and certain of my fellow fleas wealthy—oh, my beloved dogs, ye have not the slightest idea of what it is to bear the burdens and responsibilities of being rich [a voice far away to the rear: “True, true”], and the tremendous strain and wear and tear of brain and body it costs to make wealth. Be thankful that God has not called you to the task [the voice in the rear: “You’ll take care that God doesn’t call us to that!” Confusion, and cries of “Put him out!” and anxious looks on the countenances of the fleas.]
“As I was saying when that unseemly interruption took place, I go over the pond, partly, and as a minor consideration, for my health, but primarily, and as a major consideration, that I may look upon and impress upon my mind the horrible misery, poverty, destitution and enslavement of the masses of dogs in the foreign countries. Oh, how dreadful it is there! Hunger is the perpetual condition. Rapacious, cruel, merciless rulers tax them to death. Between rich and poor there is a great gulffixed, so that those who are born poor dogs live and die poor. In those dark and enslaved countries a dog knows he is a dog, and can never rise to be anything higher. Such instances as that of our fellow citizen and friend, Andronicus Carnivorous, who began life here as a low-down dog, and by dint of industry, skill and the boundless opportunities which we in this country offer to all, lifted himself up from the rank in which he was born, and became transformed into as big a sucker as any of us, could never happen there, where opportunities of dogs to rise in the world and become Suckers are by infamous class laws denied them. But here in this enlightened land, where we have no kings, and by thatne plus ultraof all wisdom, the Constitution, fleas and dogs, rich and poor, black and white, are all equal; the opportunities for advancement are countless and open to each and all, and if any dog is poor and hungry, it is all the fault of his own incompetency and laziness.
“In this great free land there is not—there cannot be—any unrighteous wealth [a look of superlative virtue on Andronicus’ countenance, and a glory on the transfigured face of One a Maker of long prayers and short wages, as he rolls up his seventh-day eye towards heaven]. The very fact that one has wealth is proof absolute that the possessor thereof deserves it, since the opportunity to acquire is open equally to all.Every dogmay in this free country, by dint of virtue and industry, become an eminent and wealthy sucker and have thousands of dogs for his nourishment [puzzled looks of hope and new encouragement on the faces of the dogs as they try, mentally, to comprehend the glorious possibility ofeverydog doing that; and Grandadhat mutters to De Little Wit Blatherskite: “My, but Chancy gave them a stiff ’un to swallow then,” and the Blatherskite replies: “Truly he did, my brother, but he is the joker that can do it.”]
“Yes, my noble fellow citizens, my whole object in going every year across the pond is, as I said, that I may see the hell of degradation dogs have over there, and become horrified, so that at the end of my sojourn I am so disgusted at the inequalitiesand class distinctions, and the brutal tyranny of the rich over the poor, that I am properly grateful to God for the precious privileges He has given us here, and am profoundly thankful to get back again to Home, Home, Sweet, Sweet Home, for there’s no place like Home, be it ever so humble, like Home, Sweet Home.
“Oh, my dear friends, you have not the slightest idea of the disgust with which those annual four months’ contemplation of foreign poverty, tyranny, aristocracy and royalty fill my soul, neither can ye conceive the agony of impatience that then takes possession of me to tread again the soil of my native land, this land, whose pure, sweet air of Freedom is instant death to every form of injustice and tyranny; where the inalienable right of every dog to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness is guaranteed to him by the Constitution and equal laws; where, under the folds of the Flag that makes us free, every dog dwells in peace, plenty and safety, none daring to make him afraid; land where there are no kings, lords or castes of any sort; where dogs and fleas breathe the common air of Heaven; land of the pilgrim’s pride, land where our fathers died [the voice in the rear again: “Yes, and where their children are dying of starvation.” Confusion, and a spasm of fear amongst the fleas, and cries of “Put him out”], from every mountain side let Freedom ring.
“Oh, my fellow citizens, I advise every one of you to save up and perform the sacred duty of going over the pond every Summer and getting horrified with the sight of foreign poverty and tyranny, so that ye may come home loaded to the very muzzle with thankfulness to God that He has so mercifully chosen us from amongst the dogs of the earth to shower His infinite bounties on. Nothing has such a tendency to make noble, thankful citizens of this grandest of all grand republics as going abroad for a few months during the hot weather.”
At the close of this grand piece of bamboozling oratory, the dogs made a supreme effort, and gave a grand howl of acclaimthat made the welkin ring, and caused several passing clouds to burst into rain by reason of the concussion. The loud-noise-producing instruments started up, the pretty cloths were waved on high, and everything proclaimed the mad delight of the dogs at the wonderful discovery by their lean and famine-devoured selves that they were all free and equal, and the particular pets of Heaven.
With the exception of a few growlers at the rear, who audibly remarked that “If God had given them less Freedom and more Victuals it would have looked better of Him,” and who were promptly hustled out of the crowd, all the dogs were delighted, and declared that Chancy Mountebank Dephool Flea was the finest and most elegant truth-teller in the world and should henceforth be honored as “Our Chancy.” And as he took his seat the whole Committee of Bamboozlers, and all the other fleas, congratulated him that there were no flies on him either, and One a Maker of long prayers and short wages, groaning within himself, lifted up his seventh-day eye and said: “Verily the Lord is this day blessing us with a great salvation,” to which De Little Wit Blatherskite responded: “Yea, verily, brother; blessing us copiously. And why not, brother?Weare his people, and the sheep of his pasture.”