CHAPTER XXX.
Wilhelm Bunkum Mak Tinley Deals out to the Dogs Some Tremendous Doses of Bunkum, but the Dogs’ Swallow is Much More Tremendous and They Gulp it Easily.—He Treats Them to a Masterly Exhibition of His Art of Statistic and Average Juggling.—The Starving Dogs Delighted at Finding Themselves Proved so Wealthy.
Illustration: DECORATIVE LETTER ‘T’.
THEN arose Wilhelm Bunkum Mak Tinley Flea and stepped forward, while all the assembled fleas cheered and applauded to the echo, which made all the dogs think that he must be some extraordinary prophet, either just arisen or just come down. He was a portly flea, of most benevolent aspect, and seemed to be the very embodiment of sincerity. He had a mild and beautiful God-Bless-You-My-Children eye, and a beautifully sympathetic O-How-I-Love-You mouth, which at once inspired respect. And when he opened his mouth to speak, his softlycadent voice floated o’er the vast assembly of dogs like angelic music, so that they—utter strangers to such delightful sounds—stood entranced, and the Bamboozling Committee beamed glances of perfect satisfaction on one another.
“Incline your ears unto me, O beautiful, dutiful dogs,” said he, “dogs of a goodly lineage, free born, noble and independent. Give ear unto my voice. I esteem it the proudest honor of my life to be permitted the precious privilege of standing before and addressing such a vast audience of free and intellectual dogs, as the one now before me. [Great straightening up of the dogs, and brightening of their eyes.] This is an audience whose intelligent eyes and noble brows show at once that nothing but TRUTH will go down with them, [Greater straightening up of the dogs.] that to fool them is an impossible task. And why? Because ye are Canisvillians, and that [pointing] is your Flag, the Flag of the Free. [Great cheering from the fleas and dogs too.]
“And not only is that the Flag of Freedom, but it is the Flag of Prosperity, too. [Fleas cheer, while dogs wonder.] Yes, fellow citizens, I repeat it, the Flag of Prosperity. Never was there a country so free or so prosperous; and I may say never was there a country so able to defend its freedom and prosperity. [Cheering.]
“I regret to say that there are certain unpatriotic dogs amongst us, who are so far lost to the sense of their duty to stick up for their country, right or wrong, as to wickedly assert that dogs in this country are hungry and poor; but we fling the calumny in their teeth; we brand it as a lie; we rejoin that it is the lie of our country’s old time enemy, Kyhidom, and for you dogs to believe it, were a libel upon your intelligence. [Great wonderment on the countenances of the dogs.]
“But, fellow free citizens, they cannot fool you thus; ye know that ye are neither hungry nor poor.
“What do Statistics tell us? What saith Average? What saith Protection? What saith the Great Hunkidori? Whatsaith the Gospel of the Balance of Trade? What saith the Book of the Prophecy of the Exports and Imports? What is the voice of the ever blessed and adorable Gold Basis? All these Holy Scriptures teach us that there is neither hunger nor poverty in all this glorious land under the Flag of the Free; that we, as a country, are the fairest, fattest and wealthiest people God’s sun ever shone on. [Tempestuous applause from the fleas, and great mesmerism of the dogs, some, however, absent-mindedly stroking their flat bellies.]
“Fellow citizens, the Gospel of the Balance of Trade telleth us that the Balance is with us, and not agin us. Our god Protection, is as a wall of fire round about us, warming and comforting us within, and scorching and shrivelling all those without. The Book of the Prophecy of the Exports and Imports assureth us that our bread is certain and our water sure. The Great Hunkidori speaketh and saith thatweare all right, and there is nothing the matter withus. And we have the precious promise of the ever blessed and adorable Gold Basis that no evil shall touch us while ever our feet are planted on its eternal foundation. And Statistics tell us that Our National Wealth is greater than that of any nation of dogs under heaven. [Lusty cheers from the fleas, and delighted expressions on the faces of the dogs.]
“Yes, fellow citizens, Statistics never lie. They are our infallible guide through the wilderness of assertion and counter-assertion. You may rest your weary feet on them every time. When heart and flesh fail you, and despondency taketh hold upon you; when ye walk through the valley of ghosts and spectres of Hunger and Poverty and Want, and ye are sore afraid they are upon you, then look ye to, and trust ye in Statistics, and ye shall be saved; the ghosts and spectres shall fly away and ye shall know that ye are full and happy. [Sobs and cries of joy from the dogs at this beautiful Free Salvation.]
“See, Brethren, See! Statistics tell us that the dogs of Canisville and country are 65,000. Statistics also tell us that ourNational Wealth Heaps, in charge of the Sacred Trustees, contain more than equal to 650,000 basketfuls of good, wholesome food, which, divided by 65,000, gives an Average often basketfuls Per Capita. [Ejaculations of surprise and astonishment from the dogs, who had no idea before that they were so wealthy.]
“Now, fellow citizens, this is a wonderful showing. Only think of it!Ten basketfuls to every dog in Canisville!Enough to make every dog quite corpulent and his ribs to bulge with fullness. It is marvellous. It is astounding. No other dogs in the whole wide world can show such an Average. I am told by our brother, Chancy Mountebank Dephool Flea, and by brother Andronicus Carnivorous, that over the pond, in the best countries there, the Average is not more thanone basketful per capita; that in most it is less than that, and that in some it is nothing at all. [Sighs of sympathy from the dogs for those poor devils.]
“Should not our dogs then, instead of repining that they are not more wealthy, rejoice and be exceeding glad that they are so much better off than the poor oppressed dogs of other lands? Ought they not to thank God hourly for their great Average, and to bless him for Statistics that make such a wonderful Average possible?
“TEN BASKETFULS PER CAPITA!!! Think for a moment what that means. Statistics tell us that the average of mouthfuls to the basket, is, in round numbers, one hundred. This, multiplied by ten, equalsone thousand mouthfuls per dog. Think of it!One thousand mouthfuls ofGOOD VICTUALSper dog.[Sensation amongst the dogs; great watering of mouths and licking of chops.] The mind fails to grasp the immensity of the fact; it is stunned; it staggers; it reels. Imagination’s utmost stretch in wonder dies away. It is wealth incomprehensible. ONE THOUSAND MOUTHFULS PER DOG!!! It sounds like Fiction. It sounds like a lie, it is so incredible; and yet, there are the Statistics; there are the figureswhich are beyond disproof, beyond dispute. [Great cheering by the dogs over these facts.]
“Well may the true Canisville dog be proud of his country and his Flag; proud of his comfortable home and his sleek and fat condition; proud of the Statistics, and proud of the generous Average the Statistics give him to eat. [The dogs applaud and cry, “Three cheers for Mak Tinley.”]
“Shall we surrender, then, this our prosperity, to our Enemy? [Never, from the dogs.] Shall we haul down the Flag of Freedom that gives us this prosperity? [No, no, no, from the dogs, and Perish the thought, from the fleas.] Patriots, fellow citizens, brothers, let us ever cherish, down in our deepest hearts, the principles that have, under God, differentiated us from the rest of the world and lifted us to the highest pinnacle of wealth and greatness that dogs ever enjoyed. Let us never surrender them, but stick by the Holy Statistics and the Average; by our Protection and the Great Hunkidori; by the Gospel of the Balance of Trade, the Book of the Prophecy of the Exports and Imports, and the ever blessed and adorable Gold Basis. Abide by these; fight for them; if needs be, die for them; thus shall ye enjoy life and wealth, and glory and honor and blessing yourselves, and hand down intact your glorious heritage to your happy posterity.”
Making genuflexion to the flag, and bowing to the dogs, Mak Tinley retired, while storms of applause broke out from the dogs.
Illustration: THE MILL.