CHAP. XII.
How he frequented Bawdy-houses; what exploits he committed in them; the Character of a Bawd, a Whore, a Pimp, and a Trapan; their manner of living; with a Detection of their wicked lives and Conversations.
Being full fraught with money, we undertook our Progress, promising to our selves all delight imaginable, but not considering what the effect would be. We frequented all places of pleasure, but among the chief we rankedBrothel-houses, which were our Repositories. We seldom were seen in the Streets by day, for fear of discovery; confining our selves close Prisoners to someBubbing-house; at night (like such as closely delighted in deeds of darkness) we would sometimes flutter abroad. Our pastime was to hire Coaches to any pretended place, and when we came near it, to make our escape. One time leaping out of the Boot, my Cloak chanced to tangle in the spokes of the Wheel: the Coachman not perceiving we were got out, drove on; by the wheels continually turning, my Garment was so ingaged, that I verily believed my sins had now conferred upon me the just punishment of being executed on the wheel, which I could hardly have avoided, had I not speedily unbuttoned my Cloak: I was loath to bid the Coachman stop, thinking I should have it at last; I ran Lacquy-like a long way, but all my endeavours to shift it, proved ineffectual; so that at length I was forced to cry out,Hold Coachman. The Coachman coming out of his Box, soon perceived the fallacy, and straightways demanded his money for his hire, before he would untangle my Cloak, which I was compelled to give him. Delivering me my Cloak, he told me,I had paid him, but he had not paid me for my attendance on him: And said moreover,That my Cloak would not look like a Livery, unless it were laced; and with that, with his whip, lashed me well-favouredly. Another sort of Pastime we used, was to kick the old Watchmens Lanthorns about the street; and it may be sometimes confer a blow or two on their sleepy noddles, and then flie for it, but we had worse success with this than the former. We practised this foolery so often, till at length we were met with, and rightly served. It was thus: InPaternoster-row, we found a fellow at noddie upon a stall, with his Lanthorn and Candle by him; having first seized on that, and thrown it into the Kennel, we prosecuted our abuse by falling upon him, and beating him. As soon as we had done this manful act, we betook our selves to flight; but here we mistook our mark, thinking him to be an old decrepid Watchman, and one that had little use of his eyes, without those in his Pocket; whereas to our cost, we found him as nimble and as light footed as a Stag, who overtaking us, surprized us; and as he was carrying us before the Constable, we met with the grand Round, who, without much examination, committed us as Rats to the Counter. The chiefest thing that troubled us, was the apprehension of our Masters knowing where we were. But we resolved to drown that care: we had not been there long, before other Rats, Male and Female, were brought in to bear us company. Some of the men were all bloody, and their Mobs Scarfs and Hoods all rent, and none of them sober: Damming and Sinking were the constant flourishes of their discourse; calling for drink was the Argument they held, and roaring in distracted notes was their Harmony. Though I was my self comparatively wicked, yet I blessed my God I had not arrived to that height these superlative Villains had attained to. Being in their company, I thought myself in the Suburbs, or on the confines of Hell. Sin, if it be dressed up in specious pretences, may be entertained as a Companion; but when it appears in its own shape, it cannot but strike horror into the Soul of any, though desperate, if not stupified. Wherefore me thought I was so far from associating my self with them, that I protest, the leudness of their Actions were so represented to me with such deformity, that I knew not which I loathed most, them or the Prison. I cannot make appear to the world what they were, nor my resentments, unless I should stuff a page or two with all manner of horrid Oaths, Execrations, Blasphemies and such like soul-infecting & destroying Plague-sores; wherefore I shall onely take leave to anatomize the Place that deteined us from our freedom. Then look upon a Prison as in it self, and it may be fitly termed a temporary Hell. For as the other is a receptacle for damned Souls, the Gates thereof standing always wide open; so this refuseth the reception of none, though never so wicked a miscreant. Though my durance in this place was but short, yet I could not but take some observations, imploying from thence the faculties of my Soul to draw up the definition of a Prison. Hell is a very proper denomination for it, since it is a place composed of nothing but disorder and confusion; a Land of darkness, inhabited by calamity, horror, misery, and confusion; a bottomless Pit of fraud, violence and stench. A Prison is the Banishment of Courtesie, the Centre of Infamy and Disparagement, the Destruction of good Wits, the Treasure of Despair, the Fining-Pot of Friendship, a Den of Deceivers, a Forest of Ravenous Beasts. Here you may see one Weeping, another singing; one Sleeping, another Swearing; every one variously imployed; one Eating in a corner, and another Pissing just by him; another Lowsing himself between both; it may be heretofore a military man, and therefore loath to forget his Art, but rather exercising it in the killing of his bodily Enemies, bearing the blood on his nail, as the Trophies of his Victory.
It is, to speak most properly, a living Tomb or grave to bury men alive in, wherein a man for half a years experience may learn more Law, then he can in three Terms for an hundred pound.
It is a little Wood of woe, a Map of misery, a place that will learn a young man more villany, if he be apt to take it, in six months, than at twenty Gaming Ordinaries, Bowling-Allies, or Bawdy-houses; and an old man more policy, than if he had been Pupil toMachiavel.
This Place hath more diseases predominant in it than the Pest-house in a Plague-time; and stinks worse than my Lord Mayors Dog-house.
It is a little Common-wealth, although little wealth common there; it is a desart, where desert lies hood-winkt.
The Place is as intricate asRosamond’sLabyrinth, and is so full of Meanders and Crooked turnings, that it is impossible to find the way out, except he be directed by a Silver Clue; and can never overcome the Minotaur, without a Golden-ball to work his own safety. The next day, paying our Fees, and receiving some checks, with good admonitions from the Justice, we were discharged. This misfortune made us not a jot more cautious, but as soon as we were at liberty, we went upon the sent to motherCr.formerly famous for the Good Citizens Wives that frequented her house; who still rides Admiral of all the rest of her function about the Town. I hope the next time I go to visit her, she will not get me clapt for the pains I take in praising her. The truth of it is, of all the Bawds I know, she merits most, having an house fit for the accommodation of the best. As for her walking Utensils, they are composed of refined mettal, always neatly kept; which, because they are not used upon all slight occasions, they appear the more delectable to the eye. Assoon as we had entered the door, I could hear a ruffling of Silks in sundry places; I conceive it was their policy, by seeming modesty to set a sharper edge on our appetites. We were conducted into a large handsome Room; bottles of Wine were brought up, both Spanish and French, with salt meats to relish the Palate, though we gave no order for them; but it seems it was the Custom of the house, a chargeable one: but without a Piece spending, you shall know little of their practices. At length, up came the old Matron; after the performance of our Devoir, she seats her self by me, and began to be impudently acquainted, chucking me under the chin, calling me herSon Smock-face. Having well warmed our selves with Wine, and the good Gentlewoman perceiving that our bloods began to heat,Well, said she,I guess at the intent of your coming hither, neither shall you go away unsatisfied. Nature will have its course; and if in Youth it be stopt, it will but, Torrent-like, flow with the greater impetuosity. Come, I see by your countenances that ye were born sons of mirth and pleasure; shew then what stock ye came of. If you want Subjects to exercise your parts on, we’ll have more Wine; and when ye are inflamed, ye shall have the benefit of a Cooler.With that she leaves us; but another of the same Sex, though three degrees different in age, supplied her place. At first view I seemed very well pleased: handsome she was, and very proportionable; but withal so impudent, that I was antidoted against lechery.Ista fœmina quæ limites verecundiæ semel excesserit, oportet illam esse graviter impudentem.If once a woman pass the bounds of Shamefac’dness, she will seldome stop till she hath arrived to the heighth of Impudence. I must needs deal ingeniously, at the beginning the Needle of my Microcosm was toucht by Loves Loadstone. But upon further acquaintance, if I might have had a hundred pounds, I could not have meddled with her.
Though she had baited her desires with a million of prostitute countenances and enticements, yet I lookt upon her rather a Companion for an Hospital, and stood more in need of a Chyrurgions acquaintance than mine. My Friend had nibbled at the bait; but when I heard them capitulating about the price, I thought she wanted a Fee for the Doctor. Well, had she not over-traded, she had not broke so soon; for her trade is opposite to all others: for she did set up without credit, and her too much custome undid her; and so let her go, without either shame, or hope of repentance.
We desired to see another: ’Tis variety that Man chiefly takes delight in: One constant sort of Food, without participating of any other, though Manna, will cause the stomack to long for the Flesh-pots: Neither can the crime be greater in the enjoyment of diverse persons then one alone, provided Matrimony make not the act Legitimate. I do not approve of these consequent lines tending to this purpose; yet give me leave to insert them, that you may understand how viciously minded some are in this frothy age.
Born under some ill Planet, or accurst,Is he that loves one single Whore;Who with one draught can always quench his thirst,Ty’d to one Mistress, and no more.
Born under some ill Planet, or accurst,Is he that loves one single Whore;Who with one draught can always quench his thirst,Ty’d to one Mistress, and no more.
Born under some ill Planet, or accurst,Is he that loves one single Whore;Who with one draught can always quench his thirst,Ty’d to one Mistress, and no more.
Born under some ill Planet, or accurst,
Is he that loves one single Whore;
Who with one draught can always quench his thirst,
Ty’d to one Mistress, and no more.
This nauseating thing being removed, up came one ofVenusher chief Darlings; excellent Flesh! and the her self the Cook that drest it, spending most of her day-time about it, that she might with the better appetite be tasted at night. Finding no exceptions in this, I was impatient till I had consummated my desires: withdrawing into another room, to heighten my thoughts, she declared to me her birth and Education; that as the one was well extracted, the other had occasioned much cost and expence. That for her part, she associated with none but persons of quality, whose long patience and intreatments first procured a familiarity, and in fine, freedom in the exercise of love-affairs: and so would have (seemingly) put me off upon this score, that it was not usual for her to admit of any to her imbraces, but such whose long acquaintance had gained her affection. I offered her a Crown, which she refused with indignation; telling me, that she was not yet reduced to so low a condition, as to become so poor a Mercenary Prostitute. At last, with much perswasion, I fastned on her an half piece; and so striving with her, (she onely seeming averse) I accomplisht my ends. And presently in came a fellow, whose very face would have enlightned the room, though in the darkest night; for indeed it appeared to me a blazing Comet, and his Nose (for miraculously he had preserved it) was the brushy Tail. Laying his hand on his sword, he looked fiercer then aSpanish Doninsulting over anIndian Slave. The bulk of his body began to heave like an Earth-quake, whilst his mouth,Ætna-like, belcht out all manner of Sulphurous Oaths, which roared so loud, as if his belly had contained a barrel of Gun-powder, and the Linstock of his Nose had fired it. His courteous Salutation to me, was,How darest thou, Son of a Whore, presume in this nature to dishonour me, in the abusing of my Wife, without the expectation of an immediate annihilation or dissipation into Atomes? But I have something here shall tame thy insolence; and now I am resolved to set thy blood abroach.With that he seemed to make a pass at me: Now I, imagining that he really intended to do what he pretended, for the safeguard of my Life, I took up a Joynt-stool, and received his point in the seat; and following it home, tumbled him down the stairs; and not being able to recover my self, fell with him. My Comrade came running down at the noise to assist me; but he seeing me rather make use of my heels then hands, followed my example, and so built a Sconce, leaving the old Bawd to condole her great loss; for the Reckoning was very considerable.
Now because I have often met with theseHectorsor Trepanning Villains, I think it will not be unsuitable to this present Discourse, to insert their Character.
TheCHARACTEROFAnHECTORorTRAPAN.
A Bawdy-house is his Cloyster, where he constantly says his Mattins. He is an Whores Protector, pretending himself more valiant then any of the antientHeroes, thereby thinking to take off the suspition of a Coward from himself: For the opinion of Valour, is a good protection to those that dare not use it. His frequent drawing his Sword upon any slight occasion, makes the ignorant suppose him Valiant; whereas he durst not do it, but when he is confident no danger will ensue thereon. He never strikes any, but such he is sure will not return his blows. In Company he is wonderful exceptious and cholerick, thinking in the fray some booty may be obtained: but his wrath never swells higher then when men are loth to give him any occasion: but the onely way to pacifie him, is to beat him soundly. The hotter you grow, the milder he is, protesting he always honoured you. The more you abuse him, the more he seems to love you: if he chance to be quarrelsome, you may threaten him into a quiet temper. Every man is his Master that dares beat him; and every one dares that knows him; and he that dares do this, is the onely man can do much with him. Yet if he knows a Coward, he will purposely fall out with him, to get Courtesies from him, and so be bribed into a reconcilement. Yet I cannot say but that he may fight, (if with great advantage) being so accustomed to the sight of drawn Swords, which probably may infuse something of a conceit into him; which he so magnifies by his own good opinion, that he would have people believe that the Mole-hill of his Prowess is no less then a Mountain. This little he hath, he is no Niggard in displaying; resembling some Apothecaries Shops, full of Pots, though little contained in them. His Estate lies in Contrivancies; and though other Landlords have but four Quarter-days, he hath three hundred sixty and odd to receive the fruits of his Stratagems. He is well skilled in Cards and Dice, which help him to cheat young Gulls newly come to Town; and the reason he usually gives for it, is,A Woodcock must be pluckt ere he be drest. If that will not do, he carries him to one of his Mistresses, and so both joyn to plume this Fowl: if there be not ready money to answer expectation, a Bond of considerable value shall serve turn, attested by two shall swear any thing for half a Crown. No man puts his brain to more use then he; for his life is a daily invention, and each meal a meer stratagem. He hath an excellent memory for his acquaintance; if there ever past but anHow do you?between him and another, it shall serve seven years hence for an embrace, and that for money. Out of his abundance of joy to see you, he offers a pottle of Wine; and in requital of his kindness, can do no less then make you pay for it: whilst you are drawing money, he fumbles in his pockets, (as School-boys with their points, being about to be whipt) till the Reckoning be paid, and says,It must not be so, yet is easily perswaded to it; and then cries,Gentlemen, you force me to incivility. When his Whores cannot supply him, he borrows of any that will lend him ought; of this man a shilling, and of another as much; which some lend him, not out of hope to be repayed, but that he will never trouble them again. If he finds a good look from any, he will haunt him so long, till he force a good nature to the necessity of a quarrel. He loves his Friend as one doth his Cloak that hath but one, and knows not how to get another; he will be sure to wear him thread-bare ere he forsake him. Men shun him at last as infection; nay, his old Companions, his Cloaths that have hung upon him so long, at length fall off to. His prayer in the morning is, That his Cheats may take effect that day; if not, that he may be drunk before night. He sleeps with a Tobacco-pipe in his mouth, and he dreams of nothing but Villany. If any mischief escapes him, it was not his fault, for he lay as fair for it as he could. He dares not enter into a serious thought, lest he hang himself; but if such melancholy seize him, the Drink is his refuge, and Drunkenness cures him. Lastly, he commonly dies like a Malefactor on the Gallows, or likeHerculeswith fire in his bones. When hanged, if begged for an Anatomy, it would serve to convert Tobacco-smokers from delighting in the excess thereof: for they will find the funnel of his body, I mean his throat, furred and choakt up.
Being freed from danger, we rejoyced exceedingly that we thus so narrowly escaped, resolving to house our selves in the next Bubbing-place we came to, that we might talk freely of this rencounter. A place (pointed out to us by the Devils Finger) soon presented it self to our Eyes, which we with more than good speed entered; and coming into the Kitchin, I was not a little amazed at the sight of a thing sitting in a Chair by the fire-side, with a Pipe of Tobacco in its mouth, and a Quartern of Strong-waters by its side. This Tun of Flesh resembled an Elephant for the bignesse of her Waste, had there been the least appearance of a Tooth: A Nose she had (which with all wonder be it spoken that she had any) so long, as that it was a fit resemblance of the ElephantsProboscisor Trunk. But, as I said before, her Teeth were faln out; and as loving Neighbours to reconcile them, her Chin and Nose resolved to meet about it. She bids us Welcome as well as she could speak. Go, I think she could not; but opening her mouth, Lord, what strong imaginations my fancy suggested to me! Me thought I saw Hell gaping to devour me; and within that bottomless Concave, I could discern infinite numbers of Souls whose damnation she was accessory to; and coming somewhat too near her, I imagined her breath was bituminous, and smelt of Brimstone. She might fitly be compared to old-Coal that hath been well burnt, that with the least spark will re-kindle, and fire any thing near it. But her fittest likeness is the Devil, her Envy running parallel with his. All that the Devil endeavours, is to bring Mankind into the same state with himself; and a Bawds aim is to make all fair women like her: now because their youth perhaps will not admit of it so soon, she hurries them on to it by degrees, by drinking, smoaking, painting, and dayly excess in venery. I lookt about her house very inquisitively, but I could not judge her Moveables (setting aside her quick Cattle) to be worth an Inventory. Her bedding I doubt me too is infectious, few coming near it, but they are presently taken with a fit of the falling-sickness. This old Beldame, being loth to put her throat to the trouble of calling her white Devils about her, had got a Whistle, on which she used several Notes; which Musical language her Girls understood very well. We called for drink; the old Bawd replyed she would send for some, though she had it not in the house: this was to be sure of our Moneys. Herein I observed their temperance, not suffering us to have too much measure. Wenches we had plentifully; one more especially I took notice of, to have the Swartheist skin I have seen English born, on whom an ordinary fellow was very sweet. When I saw my opportunity, I askt him, craving his excuse)What Trade he was?Pat as I would have it, he answered me,That he was a Tanner. I concluded so, Sir, (said I)by your dressing of that Calf’s-skin there.This Dull-headed fool apprehended me not, but began to be angry, telling me,His Trade was a good Trade, and I need not undervalue it. I told him,I did not, since there was some analogy between my Trade and his. Why what Trade are you?(said he,)(I may ask you a question, as well as you me.)I replyed,That I was a Cuckold-maker. How can that be like my Profession?quoth he.In this, said I,You dress the skins, and I trim the Horns.The Bawd at this fell into such an extream fit of laughter, that down fell her Pipe, and up came the Strong-waters that she had swallowed: but that was not all, for having not her retentive faculty, she let flie: surely she was overcharged, which made her recoyl, and so blew out her breech-pin. She was forced to leave us, and about an hour after returned; how sweet, I cannot tell you. We fell into discourse again: I askt her,How long she had liv’d in this house? Two years(said she)a longer time then any house I have lived in this twenty years: with that I concluded she was in fee with the Justices Clerk. My stomach being waterish, I would needs have some Eggs and Bacon: but Lord, what an Agony the hearing thereof put the Bawd in! desiring me to desist, for she should die at the sight of them. I askt her the reason:O, said she,it puts me in mind of oneShrove-tuesdayespecially, on which the Apprentices pulled down my house; and sick, sick as I was, pulled me away violently from a Caudle I had prepared to comfort me: But they gave me one with a Pox to them, and the Devils Dam take the Rotten Eggs in it, with which I thought they would have pelted out my brains, after they had dragged me sufficiently, and worried me (as a Mastiff would a Cat) till they were weary of the sport: fearing I should catch cold, they out of pity covered me warm in a Bogg-house. But the worst was, after this kind usage, I was to go through a long street before I could come to an acquaintance of mine wherein I could safely secure my self from the out-rage of these Hell-hounds. All along as I went, a thousand Dogs barkt at me, the street was filled with people looking and laughing at my sad disaster, but none daring to come near me. They say I left so strong a scent behind me, that several of the Inhabitants left their dwellings upon it, and that the strong savour remained in that place above six days.I seemed to pitty her much, promising to visit her often; and so we left her.
CHAP. XIII.
What a Trick he served his Comrade; how himself was Trapan’d; his own Cloaths taken from him; the Bawd out of pretended pity, invested him with an old petticoat and wastcoat; his admittance into a Boarding-School; his getting many of the Gentlewomen with Child; his discovery, and his flight.
From one Bawdy-house to another, was our dayly Travel, still finding out some variety that might please us. About the twylight, coming along by a well-built house, I saw a Gentlewoman richly Attired standing by the door, who, as I passed by, very civilly saluted me, and so withdrew her self. I followed her in, as very well understanding how to interpret such actions. She brought us into a spacious Inner-room, and then with much civility and good carriage, invited us to sit down. She called to her servant to bring some bottles of Wine, resolving to make us pay dearly for her extraordinary Favours. By our habits she took us for no less then persons of Quality; for we had gallantly accoutred our selves; and I thought that Fortune now had designed me her chiefest favorite, in throwing this unexpected blessing upon me. She caused her Lute to be brought her, to which she sung so harmonically, that the Musick of the Sphears are no more to be compared to it, then a Scotch Bagpipe to an Organ. This so intoxicated my Comrade, with the Wine together (not but that they had a great operation on my self) that he fell fast asleep, (aliasdead drunk.) Glad I was to my very heart of this accident, fearing he might be a Rival in my intention: and to the intent I might remove allRemora’sor Impediments that might hinder my sole enjoyment of this Lady, I consulted with my self what to do with him: I was not long about it, but streight found out this cunning Plot, which was to send him home to his Master. Love to a Woman is so forceable, that what will it not do? to sum up all, make a man betray his Friend. I made an Apology to the Gentlewoman for his incivility, and requested the favour to have her servant procure me a Porter; whilst she was gone to execute my desires, I searcht his Pockets, and took away all his Gold; for we had converted all our money into that metal, which we always made ourVade mecum. To ingratiate my self with this Gentlewoman, I acquainted her with my design; which she heartily laughed at. I farther desired of her, that I might have a Card and a piece of paper. On the Card I wrote a superscription, and pinned it on his back, directing the thing to his Master, living in such a place: with the paper, I wrote a Letter to him to this effect.
SIR,Lately I found your Goose upon the way,I took him up, as one that went astray.To recompense my pains, I pull’d his feathers;Such pretious down will warm me in all weathers.His flesh I love not; it belongs to you:The gibblets though I keep; and so adieu.
SIR,Lately I found your Goose upon the way,I took him up, as one that went astray.To recompense my pains, I pull’d his feathers;Such pretious down will warm me in all weathers.His flesh I love not; it belongs to you:The gibblets though I keep; and so adieu.
SIR,Lately I found your Goose upon the way,I took him up, as one that went astray.To recompense my pains, I pull’d his feathers;Such pretious down will warm me in all weathers.His flesh I love not; it belongs to you:The gibblets though I keep; and so adieu.
SIR,
Lately I found your Goose upon the way,
I took him up, as one that went astray.
To recompense my pains, I pull’d his feathers;
Such pretious down will warm me in all weathers.
His flesh I love not; it belongs to you:
The gibblets though I keep; and so adieu.
I gave the Porter instructions, that he should but just put him within the doors, and leave the Letter, and so with all speed to come away, to prevent examination: he brought me word he had performed my order: what discants were made hereon, I shall leave the Reader to imagine. By this time I had gained my Mistress with a shower of Gold, which had so far prevailed on her, that she protested she was wholly and solely at my devotion. I would have had her to have gone immediately to bed; but she told me,There would be time enough before morning to sport in, and that we should be both tired, if we went to bed so soon. Wherefore, to divert our selves, we drank and sung together in parts, I my self having indifferent good judgment. Having spun out the time so long till it was time to go to bed, she then conducted me to the Chamber where she intended we should lie. Though she made what haste she could to undress her self, yet me thought she was purposely tedious. I commended before, her Vocal and Instrumental Musick; but then I esteemed no other Musick sweeter then what the Tag made against her Bodice when she was unlacing her self. About two a Clock in the Morning, three or four fellows rushed into our Room; at which I awakened, but made as little noise as aPerdue. My Mistress leaping out of the Bed, they seized on her, gagged and bound her; and then opening the two leaves of the Window that was the entrance into the Belcony, they came in all haste to the Bed, and in a trice, had rowled up the Bed so close, that they had like to have stifled me in the middle on’t: though they dragged me in the Bed from off the Bedsteed, rudely letting me fall on the ground; yet I felt no harm; every part of me was so well guarded, that in that condition, I might have bid defiance to a Canon-Bullet. But when I heard them talk of flinging the Bed over the Belcony to their Companions, I thought I should have died instantly for fear, knowing I must of necessity go with it. Whereupon I cryed out as loud as I could, and struggling, I got a little place open, and then I roar’d likePhalarishis Bull. They seeming to be surprized with my unexpected noise, fled, fastning a Rope to the Belcony, and so slid down into the street. Perceiving they were all gone, I groped about the Room (for it was very dark) speaking very lowly, Where are you Madam? repeating it often; but much wondring I could not hear her answer me. As I was feeling round the Room, stretching forth my hands, I chanced to run one of my hands against her, and one of my fingers into her mouth: I thought my finger had strayed at first, mistaking the place; but searching farther, and finding teeth, I knew then whereabout I was, and discovered withal a stick in her mouth, keeping it wide open, as Butchers do their Sheep with a Gambrel. But having removed this obstacle of her speech, she begged me to untie her hands; which having done, she her self untied her feet; and with that, she would have clasped me in her Arms; but I hung an arse, being sensible of the stinking condition that the fear had put me in. She was very inquisitive after my welfare, asking me again and again,Whether I had received any harm from the Rogues. I told her no:Nay, then I care not for my own sufferings, or what loss I have sustained by them, said she, and so speedily went for a candle. As I was thinking to Apologize for my nastiness, up she came with a light, viewing me, and perceiving what a condition I was in, she kept at a distance;Sir, said she,my fancy suggests to me, that you now resembleNebuchadnezzarwhen Metamorphozed into a beast, and lying in his own dung, when you shall have reassumed your humanity, I shall presume to approach nearer to you. I made my Sirreverence to her, wishing they had gagged her breech too so wide, that her guts might have a passage through her posteriours. For I plainly perceived, notwithstanding all her specious pretences, she was the foundress of this Plot. Well, she caused water to be brought up, with which I cleansed my self; and because my shirt had too strong a sent ofStercus humanum, she lent me a Smock, which presaged ere long I should wear Coats too. Having shifted my self, I looked for my Cloaths, but there was aNon est inventusout against them, all my search could afford me not the least comfort: my Mistress seemed much disturbed at my loss; but when I told her I had lost such a considerable quantity of Gold, her sorrow seemed to be redoubled, and I am sure her inward joy was increased. She comforted me with a great many friendly loving expression, sdesiring me to be patient, and indeed necessity forced me to it. I asked her advice what I should do in this naked condition:There is no remedy, (she replyed)you must be content to cloath your self in Womans apparel, as for mans I have none to furnish you withal. I consented to it, and presently she drest me up in one of her Gowns, with all the appurtenances thereunto belonging. The slenderness of my body, whiteness of skin, beauty, and smoothness of face (having no hairs thereon) added a suitableness to my garb. I must ingeniously confess, when I consulted with a Looking-glass, I thought the transmutation of Sexes had been verified in me; but when I walked, I found something pendulous, which easily perswaded me to the contrary belief of my self. I thought it folly to tax her for my misfortune, knowing how little it would advantage me. The time was come I was to take my leave of her: going to salute her, I committed a foul mistake, indeavouring to pull off my hood in stead of my hat, and making a Leg (as the vulgar term is) in stead of a Curchy; but she advising me to rectifie that mistake for the time to come, we bid each other adieu. In this disguize I traversed the streets, it being almost impossible for any to discover me, my voice being so effeminate, that I was confident that would never betray me. As I walkt, I consulted with Reason what was most expedient. My invention (as at all times) was now ready to assist me; and thus it was. Finding a Bill on a door, I knocked, desiring to see what Lodgings they had; I was very civilly intreated to come in, and was shown several Rooms with much respect, for my female habit was very gallant, and so it had need, for it cost me dearer than so much cloath of Gold. I pitch’d at last upon a Chamber extraordinary well furnished; I never scrupled the price, (because they should look on me as a person of Quality) but agreed to my Landlords own terms. I told him I was lately come out of the Country, and that my Trunks were not yet arriv’d, with a great many more fictions to prevent suspition. At first I intended to take for no longer time, than I could contrive a way to dispose of my self, and procure mans Apparrel; but perceiving how agreeable my Feature, Stature and Gesture were to my Female Weeds, I resolved to trie some projects in them. There was a young Gentleman that lay in the house, and took special notice of me as soon as I entered it, and as he told me next day, was over joyed that I had determined to be a Lodger there. This youngBravo(which had more money than wit) had prepared a Banquet for me, and requested the favour of me, that it and himself might be received into my chamber: I alleadged I could not do it in point of honour, and therefore desired to be excused; but he prest me so far (getting also his Landlady to intercede for him), that at last (though with much seeming unwillingness) I condescended thereunto. Very merry they were, but I thought it prudence to be reserv’d. My Amorist so gazed on me, that I thought he would have devoured me with his eyes, kissing me sometimes, which had like to have made me disgorge my stomack in his face. For in my opinion, it is very unnatural, nay loathsome, for one man to kiss another, though of late too customary I know it is; yet I look on such as use it, inclining toSodomy, and have had the unhappiness to be acquainted with severall, who using that unnatural action, found it onely the Preludium to a more beastly intention. In three dayes time we grew so intimately acquainted, that at last he became impudent. One time as I past by him, he catch’d at me, endeavouring to intrude his hand where he had no interest, but he did it so rudely, that I verily thought he had spoiled me; I believe he imagined that he had caught me by the busk, which some Ladies wear very long to hide their rising bellies. I showed my self much displeased at him for so doing, expressing my resentment in imbittered words for so great a Crime. Next morning, he courted me to a Reconciliation with a Gold Watch: by that he should have been well skilled in gaining female affections; for there is nothing prevails on them more than presents; and nothing gains sooner over them a total conquest, than the hopes of enjoying a fair promising Fortune. With much importunity I accepted his Peace-offering, conditionally, that he should never attempt the like offence. Nothing troubled me more, then how to dress my self when my cloaths were off. I durst not lay two things together, for fear I should mistake; there were so many baubles, I wished for a Pen and Ink, to write on them what places they properly belonged to. Viewing them on the Table together, they represented to my thoughts Babel, or a great confusion, and nothing but a miracle could produce Order out of them, I had so improv’d my self by hourly practice, when none was with me, and observation of others, that I had now the knack on’t. I new modelled my steps, my former being too large by three quarters; I could advantagiously cast my eye, set my face in a plat-form, and dissect my words; my feet were my only Traytors, and therefore I alwayes kept them close Prisoners, for their greatness (like the Devils cloven-foot) proclaimed me the contrary Sex I imitated. Well, I thought it high time to be gone, not without plucking my Widgeon. Having a fit opportunity, there being none present but himself and I, I pretended disappointment of money, and that my Rents were not yet due, and therefore desired him to lend me 10l.for eight days; at the termination of which time, I should not fail to return it him with gratitude. He was much joy’d, that I would favour him so far, as to accept his service; & with that flew like Lightning, fearing he would have fractured his Leg-bone for haste to bring me the money, which I received from him thankfully. I caused a Coach to be call’d, pretending I had business into the City. My Cully would have waited on me, which I utterly refused, telling him without privacy my affairs would prove ineffectual; whereupon he desisted.
Coming intoBurchin-Lane, I went to a Salesman, and bought (pretendedly for my Maid) an ordinary yet handsome Petticoat and Wastcoat, furnishing my self with all the Appurtenances requisite for a Servant maid.
In stead of returning to my Lodging, I caused the Coachman to drive me to one of the principal Nurseries ofVenus,Whetstones Park. For I lookt upon it as a matter of small import, to take my leave either of my young Gallant at home, or my Landlord, since I had not left the least Mortgage behind me for sleeping.
MotherCunny(to tell the truth) was the Nick-name of that Corpulent Matron, that with much demonstrations of joy received me into her house; neither could she forbear expressing her great satisfaction, in that her civil and honest deportment was so generally taken notice of, as that it should be an inducement to strangers to shelter themselves under her Tutelage, preferring her as a Guardian or Tutress, before so many throughly tried, and long experienced antient Gentlewomen, both in City and Suburbs. She highly applauded both the Features and Complexion of my Face, not forgetting the right colour of my Hair, which was flaxen: the Stature of my Person infinitely pleased her, which was somewhat of the tallest: In short, nothing disliked her, but that she said I lookt as if I had a greater mind to beat, than buss; and to fight, than delight my Amoretes with smiling insinuations.
I had not been long in her house, before a roaring Damme entred the house, (a constant visitant) who meeting with my Guardian, was informed that there was a rich treasure discover’d in her house, and that none should attempt to spring the Mine, till he had made entrance by the first stroak. In short, he was brought into the Chamber where I was, who at first behaved himself indifferently civil, and treated me nobly: But O Heavens! how great was my confusion and distraction, when strength of Arguments and force of hands would not repel the fury of his lust, and that nothing would serve his turn but lying with me. I defended my self manfully a long time; but seeing it was impossible to hold out any longer, and that I must be discovered, the next assault he made, forced me to cry out: this so alarumed my Gentleman (concluding this outcry proceeded not from modesty and chastity, but out of some trapanning design) that he drew his sword, and made toward the Stair-case, and running down with more haste than good speed, overturned my kind Governess (that was puffing up the Stairs to my relief) and so both tumbled down together: fear had so dispossest this huffling fellow of his senses, that he mistook my old Matron for theBravohe thought did usually attend me, and so without once looking behind him, made his escape into the street, leaving the piece of Antiquity not so much defaced by time, as by this dismal accident so near extinguishing, that she was half undone in the vast expence of her Strong-waters, to bring her tongue to one single motion.
Coming to her self, you may imagine how I was treated by her; but to be brief, I told her I could not brook such a course of life, wherein all injoyments were attended by ruine and destruction, although habited and cloathed in the seeming ornaments of real pleasure; adding moreover, that I would speedily leave her house, investing my self with a meaner garb, bestowing those I wore on her in part of satisfaction for what she suffered through my means. This proposition so well pleased her, that I had free liberty to do as I thought most convenient herein.
Exchanging my fineMadamshipfor plainJoan-ship, my equipage being suitable for service, I resolved to apply my self to a Boarding School; and the rather, having observed it to be more thronged with Beauties, than any other: My address proved as successful as I could desire, for instantly upon my motion, I was received in as a Menial of the house. But when I came to use the Tools of the Kitchin, I handled them so scurvily, it made those teething Giglers my fellow servants, even split with laughter. To add to my misfortune, those Varlets one time when we had some meat to roast, on purpose got out of the way for a while, to see how I could behave my self; and then I did spit the meat so monstrously strange, that coming into the Kitchin, they could not tell at first sight what those joynts were called at fire. My actions had proclaimed my ignorance in all Domestick Affairs, so that my Mistress could not but take notice of me; and told me, that I was altogether unfit for her service, and that she could do no less than discharge me.
Fearing that my design was now frustrated, and my fair hopes of delight annihilated, I could not contain my tears from bedewing my face. My blubber’d eyes wrought so powerfully with my Mistress, that I judged it now the fittest time in broken Accents to mollifie her anger, and still reserve my place in her service. Whereupon I told her a great many formal and plausible lies, well methodized; that I had all my life time lived in an obscure Village amongst rude and ill-bred people, and therefore knew nothing; that it was my desire to learn, not so much valuing wages as experience, and that it was for that intent I had tendred my service. The good old Gentlewoman being much pleased with my freedom, presently ordered the Maids that without their grinning and gigleting, they should shew me any thing I understood not.
By diligent observing, I gained shortly an indifferent knowledge: Though I lay with one of my fellow servants every night, yet I judged it no prudence to discover to her my Sex (though much against the hair) till I had by external kindnesses indeared her to me. I went through my business pretty handily, giving a general satisfaction, gaining daily an interest upon the loves of the young Gentlewomen.
O the fine inexpressible petulances that dayly, nay, hourly past between me and some other of them; and so crafty I was grown, that I perfectly did counterfeit a modest maiden. Sometimes we would retire three or four of us into a private corner, yet not so obscure but that we intended to be seen by some man or other we had afore discovered; and then as if affrighted by an unexpected surprize, squeak out, and then with strange haste endeavour to hide our pretended shamefacedness. Thus concurring and suiting my self to their humours, I had all the freedome I could desire.
And now I thought it high time to handle the matter for which I came about; for indeed flesh and blood could hold out no longer. One night I perceived my Bedfellow could not in the least close her eyes, continually sighing and tumbling to and fro, sometimes laying her leg over me, and at other times hugging me within her arms, as if I had been in a press. At first I thought this commotion or perturbation proceeded from Sympathy, as questionless in part it did; for I found experimentally by my self that my heart did beat as if it would have forced its passage through my breast.
I thought I could do no less than ask her what she ailed that she was thus restless. At first, sighs were her onely answers, till at last (I pressing her much) poor thing she melted into tears. As soon as her eyes had given over deluging, and that her heart would give her leave to speak;Jone(said she, for so I called my self) if thou wilt keep my secrets, I will tell thee my whole heart. Having promised to do that, whereupon she began thus to relate her story. Our Coachman for several years hath shown me more then common respect, and indeed though I have concealed that affection I ever bore him, yet I could not but now and then give him slight occasions of hope: as the moneths wherein we lived together added to our age, so did it add true life & vigour to our loves, which increased so much and fast, that I could hide mine no longer. But herein consists my misery, that our affections aim at different ends; I fain would marry him; he is onely for present enjoyment, and finding me obstinate, and not in the least yielding to his amorous sollicitations, begins to slight me, and toys with such before my face, that I know will surrender their Maiden forts upon the first Summons. Now DearJoan, let me tell thee, I can hold out no longer, but am resolved to give him all the opportunity of privacy I can invent, upon the least motion offered, I will entertain it. I disswaded her from this rash resolution with as much reason as I could utter; inculcating the danger of being gotten with child, with all its aggravations: that having obtained his ends, his love would be converted into loathing; and he having rejected her as his object, none that knew her would choose her as an object that may make an honest wife; for who would marry a whore, but to entail the Pox on his progeny? What ever I alleadged, she valued not. Seeing the was fully bent, I thought this the critical hour to discover my self to her,Come, come(said I)I will quickly put you out of conceit withJohn, and cure this love that so much troubles you; and so I did, after which I enjoyned her silence; which I thought she would have done, for her own interest sake; which she did for a while. I came at length to be very much beloved in general. It was the custome almost every night for the young Gentlewomen to run skittishly up and down into one anothers Chambers; and I was so pestered with them, that they would not let me sleep. But I had an excellent Guardian in bed with me, that would not let any of them come in to us, resolving to monopolize all the sport to her self. It was good sport to observe how this Maid always followed me as my shadow, and whatever I was doing of, she would have a hand in it with me. What an endless work we made in making the beds! Our Mistress saw her work very much neglected, laying all the blame upon my Bedfellow; and indeed not without cause: for her mind was so employed about thinking on night, that she did little all day; which my Mistress perceiving, turned her away; which was no small joy to me, if for no other consideration then her extream fondness, which I knew would betray us both in the end.
After the departure of my Bedfellow, the young Ladies pittying my loneness in the night, redrest that solitude by their welcome presence. The first that came had like to have spoiled all; by her squeaking; but some of her Associates running to know what was the matter, she readily told them shethoughtthere was a Mouse in the bed: thus satisfied, they departed; and I enjoyned her as I did the other, silence; but alas! all Injunctions on Women to keep a secret, are but as so many perswasions to divulge it. Notwithstanding I had so enjoyned her secrecy, yet she made it known to some that she entertained a peculiar respect for, intending they should participate with her in the pleasure she enjoyed. This discovery did put me to an extream hard task; I should never have undergone it, had not variety of such sweet smelling Rose-buds encouraged me.
Thus frequently each night did I repeatMy uncontrouled passions; and for heat,And active liveliness, I thought that noneCould stand with me in competition.Twas then, forgetful wretch, that I a kissDid oft prefer before a greater bliss.What did I care? my carnal joys did swell;So slighted Heaven, and ne’re feared Hell.But let me henceforth learn to slight those toys,And set my heart upon Celestial joys.
Thus frequently each night did I repeatMy uncontrouled passions; and for heat,And active liveliness, I thought that noneCould stand with me in competition.Twas then, forgetful wretch, that I a kissDid oft prefer before a greater bliss.What did I care? my carnal joys did swell;So slighted Heaven, and ne’re feared Hell.But let me henceforth learn to slight those toys,And set my heart upon Celestial joys.
Thus frequently each night did I repeatMy uncontrouled passions; and for heat,And active liveliness, I thought that noneCould stand with me in competition.Twas then, forgetful wretch, that I a kissDid oft prefer before a greater bliss.What did I care? my carnal joys did swell;So slighted Heaven, and ne’re feared Hell.But let me henceforth learn to slight those toys,And set my heart upon Celestial joys.
Thus frequently each night did I repeat
My uncontrouled passions; and for heat,
And active liveliness, I thought that none
Could stand with me in competition.
Twas then, forgetful wretch, that I a kiss
Did oft prefer before a greater bliss.
What did I care? my carnal joys did swell;
So slighted Heaven, and ne’re feared Hell.
But let me henceforth learn to slight those toys,
And set my heart upon Celestial joys.
In the very height of these my jollities, I cou’d not forbear thinking sometimes on my eternal condition; but custome and opportunity had so absolutely inslaved me, that good thoughts which were but seldom, wrought little good effects upon me. But if my souls welfare would not deter me from these foul and wicked acts, yet love to my present mortall condition, compelled me for a while to desist, and by flying those embraces I lately so hotly pursued, shun those complicated mischiefs which were appropinquant, the undeniable effects of my immoderate and destructive wantonness. My approaching danger was too visible, for I observed that some of the Gentlewomen began to find strange alterations in their bodies, with frequent qualms coming over their stomacks, which made me sick to be gone; and in this manner I did plot my escape. My Mistris having a Son much about my stature, and one time finding a fit opportunity, I got a suit of cloaths of his, with other perquisits, which I put on, reassuming my proper shape and habit, and so with flying colours marched off, insulting over the conquest of so many Maiden-heads, leaving thequondampossessors thereof to deplore their ensuing misery, and condemn their own rash folly.