The Country Wedding
There is an especial attractiveness and simplicity about the out-door wedding in the country, for those who desire to get rid of the conventional and artificial. Such a wedding is, of course, a day wedding. The late afternoon might be chosen, but the twilight never. The weather must be warm.
A secluded corner in the garden, the shade of some stately tree on the lawn, or the flowery seclusion of some orchard tree make attractive chancels for the ceremony.
The grass should be cut close, and all leaves and débris swept away.
Somewhat removed from the place of the ceremony, but still on the lawn or piazza, small tables and chairs may be placed in groups, and refreshments served out of doors also.
The simplicity and homelike yet solemn atmosphere of a wedding in a country church appeal to many. There much of the formality of a city church wedding may be dispensed with, and yet the whole of the religious spirit, which should attend a church wedding, and indeed any wedding, be retained. The country church lends itself more aptly to those private weddings where the bridal party, whether small or large, are the only spectators, than does the large city church. The sense of exclusiveness is preserved without the great sense of bareness and emptiness.
To many the private church wedding appeals with great force. The religious and sacramental nature of the ceremony is emphasized, without the pomp and display of the public service. Such a wedding usually takes place in the daytime rather than in the evening.
Onemay be taught self-restraint and unselfish consideration for others at so early an age that such virtues become habitual, and minor maxims are to a large extent unnecessary. Of course, the child will still have to be shown the various ways in which he can show consideration, but he will quite frequently do of himself those acts which make for the comfort and well-being of others.
Habits of deference to elders spring from more complex motives, and the training in them may have to be more persistent and rigorous. Boys should be taught to take off their caps to their elders, both in the family and in the circle of friends, when they meet them on the street. They should rise when ladies enter the room, and remain standing until all are seated.
An important part in a child's bringing up is to teach him to put away his own garments and to clear up after his play or work. If this is instilled early into the child, there will neverbe any need of the pain of counteracting slovenliness, and also never any of that disagreeable haughtiness toward servants, which is fostered by nothing so much as by the inch-by-inch waiting upon a child.
The child who has been made a companion of, and not repressed or driven away by the older people of the family, has a sort of instinctive respect for them, which, though it may overstep itself in some daring familiarity occasionally, is the basis of a strong authority over him. The child who has been spied on, and whose idea of all adults is that they are a sort of modified policemen, will show respect only under compulsion, and will fail in all those fine courtesies which the thoroughly well-bred child grows to delight in.
Self-control and self-repression are equal virtues to be cultivated in the child. To permit the child to be indifferent and inattentive when one is trying to amuse or entertain, to be impatient to get at the end of a story or a game, to keep yawning; or making other expressions of weariness when being reproved or reprimanded, cultivates in the child a mental laziness which is as bad as its opposite,—parrot-like facility for chattering and asking questions, which gives a child no chance to think, and makes him develop into a man of only surface intelligence and thoughtless flippancy. Evena child can appreciate, if rightly taught, the motive back of a kind action, and can respect that even if the action does not interest him.
On the other hand, it is a serious matter to allow a child to be constantly bored with lectures on his conduct, or even with efforts to amuse him. He should be let alone, thrown upon his own resources, and not permitted to be taxed beyond adult endurance by well-meaning but futile efforts on his behalf.
Children should never be allowed to interrupt. For that reason parents, and those who have the care of children, should remember not to monopolize the conversation when there are children present, nor talk on and on for a long time, as no person, least of all a child, can follow such continuous talk without weariness.
Children should be taught that thinking will answer most of their questions for them, that they should wait and see if the answer will not be given by something that is said later on. Every effort made to drive the thought of a loquacious child back upon itself is an effort in the right direction; just as every effort made to express and reveal the thought of an imaginative child is much to the latter's benefit.
The sayings of a child should never be quoted in his presence, nor his doings related. He becomes hopelessly self-conscious thereby.
A child should be taught to respect the rightsof the father and mother to the easiest chairs in the room, or those which they may prefer, and should leave those chairs vacant until the father and mother are seated elsewhere.
The boy who has been brought up at home, both by precept and by his father's example, never to seat himself at the dining table or in the family sitting-room until his mother is seated, will not need to be told that he should rise in a crowded street car and give his seat to an elderly woman. He will do it so instinctively that it will not be a burden,—indeed, the regret would be more keen if he could not do it.
If children are present at the dining table, it is wiser to help them first, and the grown people last, than the reverse. In everything it is well to follow the etiquette of adult life, as, for instance, by helping the girls before the boys.
Children should be taught to be punctual at meals, not simply for the sake of health, but out of consideration for the cook and for those who might otherwise be obliged to wait for them. They should not be allowed to hurry through a meal because of their impatience to get at play, although they may be wisely excused when they are quite through. There is no value in making them the bored, squirming, or subdued listeners to conversation quite beyond their comprehensionor interest. They should be taught to eat leisurely, and to regard the mealtime as a chance to talk with their parents about interesting things, and not simply as a time to be shortened and slighted if possible.
Usually the child's first rigid lesson in punctuality comes at the beginning of school life. Then, most profitably, may be cultivated a sense of the rights of others, and of his individual responsibility toward the social group, represented for him by his teacher and schoolmates. If the emphasis is rightly laid upon the necessity of his not delaying the work of his classmates and teacher, he will naturally find many ways in which he may apply the same thought, greatly to his own advantage and to theirs as well, and to the permanent strengthening of his habits of work.
A keen sense of social oneness may also prevent the too frequent heart-burnings among shy and sensitive children. This is as easily cultivated as is the opposite, and is of great importance both in childhood and in later life. The seeming injustice of the teacher may often be made clear, and seen to be just, when the welfare of the whole school is taken into consideration. This is a matter of the natural enlargement of the child's mental horizon, and if the proper spirit has been fostered, the child will welcome it. Should it be done carefully andwisely, the roots of many social weeds will at once be eliminated.
Fault-finding should be discouraged in school and at home. It is never the best method of fault correction, and should not be countenanced.
The bringing home of tales of the teacher and of schoolmates, in a spirit of complaint, should not be permitted. Pleasant accounts of happenings at school should be encouraged, but grumbling against rules, as well as personal gossip, should not be permitted. The authority of the home must support the authority of the school or the child will nowhere receive that discipline and training which he needs in order to meet the experiences of life.
The child should be allowed a certain sum of money, which, even in the most lavish homes, should be a little under what the wants of the child require. The giving of this money should be done regularly at a stated time, and there should never be any extra giving, or increase of the usual sum, except under very unusual circumstances, which should not be allowed to happen more than once a year.
The child should also be held accountable for his money. If he is old enough to have any money, or to spend any, he is old enough to tell how he spent it, even to the last penny. Unless all is accounted for, the habits of accuracy andcare are not formed. The record of this should be written down, even if done very simply and without special form, and later, as the child grows older, more conventional forms of bookkeeping should be required.
It should be also required that there be some saving, which is preferably a certain proportion of the whole, this for a beginning to which to add extra sums as the child may wish. This saved sum should be permanently put by, and drawing from it should not be permitted. It may be transferred to a bank at long intervals, always by the child himself, and his pride in doing it and keeping it there should be cultivated.
These matters may all be made a game and sheer fun. Their grave importance is apparent on every hand. For the child which has been taught early to do these things, will do them with such ease as to make it seem instinctive, and the child who does it will never, under any ordinary circumstances, come to want.
The proper behavior in church should be taught rather by trying to inculcate the spirit of worship than by making rules to be followed. A child is very susceptible to impressiveness of any sort, and if the reason for it is made clear to him, he will be quicker to respond to it by a reverent attitude of spirit than does an older person. Even the obstreperous child is at least temporarily impressed, if he sees that others are, and if he knows the reason for it.
Children should realize that it is their privilege and duty to serve guests, whether their own or their parents. The sacrifice of one's own comfort for the sake of the guest takes, with a child, the form of a sort of play, usually because of the excitement of the arrival of a stranger, and the possibilities of fun in the enjoyment of the stranger's stay.
The child should be taught respect for the guest's person, and should not be allowed to take the same liberties with a gown or a glove that sometimes the mother or aunts permit, no matter how great the novelty of the texture or how it appeals to the child's sense of beauty. The privileges of being a guest should be always duly respected, and the child be thus taught at once his duty as a host and his position as a guest.
Children should never be allowed to play with a visitor's hat or cane, or handle furniture or ornaments in a strange house, or show by ill-mannerly conduct the curiosity which a child, in unaccustomed surroundings, naturally feels. They can be taught so great a respect for the possessions of others that they would become able to stifle their curiosity, or express it only at a fitting time.
Children should not be sent to the drawing-roomto entertain visitors, unless the visitors request it themselves. Nor should they be allowed to be troublesome to visitors or guests at any time, any more than servants should be allowed to be insolent. They should never be allowed the freedom of the rooms of the guests, nor to visit them often or long.
Children should not be permitted to enter into the pleasures of their elders when, to do so, would be to spoil the kind of sociability for which the occasion was intended. At all formal functions, children are out of place. When making formal calls, children are usually in the way, and the silent part they are forced to play is disagreeable for them. They are also out of place at a funeral, or in a cemetery, or anywhere that there is mourning. It is an injury to a child to see grief,—unless it be his great concern, and in that case it is no longer a matter of etiquette, but of necessary life experience.
Children should not dine out except by special invitation. It is as discourteous to permit a child thoughtlessly to inconvenience a neighbor, as it is wrong for the child to think that such uninvited visits are permissible.
A child should be taught never to touch what does not belong to it, except with the express permission of the owner. This applies to goods in a store, as well as to the furniture of placesother than his home, and to the belongings of others in his home.
A child should not be allowed to intrude into a drive, a walk, a call, or a conversation. It is unfair to the child, and awkward for him, and is no kindness, as it takes away the benefit which he might otherwise derive from the pleasure either by continually snubbing his self-respect, or by repressing his energy and curiosity to the danger point.
Children should not be allowed to go to picnic parties, unless they have been invited and entertainment prepared for them.
Children should be taught to treat servants with all the politeness with which they treat their elders, and with much more consideration. The converse of the servants with children should be of the same careful and pleasant quality that the best parents use and desire. This may well be insisted upon. On the other hand, the children should be taught that servants are busy people, that they should never be imposed upon, and that unnecessary work should not be made for them.
Uponthe occasion of a death in the family a reliable undertaker is at once notified and his suggestions followed as to the necessary preparations to be made for the funeral.
The shades are drawn throughout the front of the house, as a sign that the family is in retirement. The women of the family are not seen upon the street unless necessary, the men taking full charge of all business matters. The directions which the undertaker desires should be decided upon by the family, or nearest relative of the deceased, and then some one member of the family should be delegated to see that they are carried out. Palm leaves tied with ribbon or chiffon, spray bouquets of white flowers tied with ribbon, an ivy wreath broken with a bunch of purple everlasting, are much preferred to crape upon the door.
Press notices of the funeral and death should be sent to the newspapers. The conduct of the funeral should be arranged with the clergyman chosen to officiate, the superintendent of thecemetery consulted (usually through the undertaker), and the notes of request sent to those chosen to act as pallbearers. Sometimes the latter are purely honorary, the undertaker furnishing the bearers. The honor is usually given to intimate family friends, or close business associates in case of a business man.
A carriage is always provided for the clergyman, and he is entitled to a fee, although clergymen do not charge it, either at a home or church funeral. If the service is held at a church, the sexton, organist and singers,—and the singers at a home funeral as well,—are entitled to recompense for their services.
Carriages are sent for the pallbearers, and are also provided to convey the family, and as many of the friends as may be invited to go, to the cemetery.
One may announce in the newspaper "Burial private," in which case it is understood that only the family attend at the grave; or "No flowers" if the family wish the usual sending of flowers dispensed with.
The clergyman usually consults the wishes of the family as to the form of service, the hymns or music, and remarks. The funeral service should be brief, and preferably a ritual service with no sermon or eulogy. The last are usually harrowing to the feelings of the mourners, and there should be every reasonableeffort made to relieve the tension of the occasion, for the sake of the living.
At a church funeral the pallbearers sit in the first pews at the left of the center aisle; the family in those to the right. At a home funeral it is customary to have the family in some secluded room near the one where the coffin is placed and to have the clergyman stand in the hall between, or at the entrance of the drawing-room, where he may be readily heard by all.
If the service at the grave immediately follows the funeral the house should meanwhile be aired, the shades lifted, the flowers all sent away to some hospital, and the rooms arranged in the usual way.
Before a funeral at the home, it is necessary for some member of the family to receive the relatives from the distance, and the very intimate friends, and see that they are given necessary refreshment, and their return to trains, if they must leave immediately after the funeral, thoroughly understood by the hackmen.
At a home funeral the singers should be somewhat distant from the family, so that the music is not loud.
The members of the family are dressed in hats and veils ready to enter the carriages, before the service. They pass to view the body,—if, according to a former custom, the casket is left open,—last of all, and enter the lastcarriage before that of the pallbearers, which immediately precedes the hearse.
In sending flowers to a funeral, one's card is enclosed. There should be no slightest sense of obligation in the sending of flowers, and each piece should represent only real sympathy or respect.
The putting on of black garments as a sign that one has lost a near relative has been much modified by the good sense of the people, and the period of mourning shortened, especially in England. In stating the accepted mourning custom, the moderate observance of it has been given, both extremes being ignored.
Crape is the quality of goods most closely allied with mourning. Black dresses trimmed with black crape are usually worn for the first few months by women who have lost a near relative. The black veil worn by widows is now of moderate length, and usually not of the very thick material which was once in vogue. A ruche of white is now placed just inside the bonnet, which relieves the black effect somewhat. Black furs and sealskins are worn with mourning.
The English fashion of six months of the deepest mourning and six months of secondary is meeting with more and more approval in this country, although for a close relative a year is the first period and six months the second.
One who is in mourning does not appear in society for the first six months; after that it is permissible to attend a concert or musical, but not the theater or a reception while severe mourning is worn.
During the mourning period, black-bordered stationery is used. The border on paper and envelopes is usually three-eighths of an inch for a close relative and half that for a more distant one, or during the secondary period of mourning, if one cares to make the change. The personal visiting card has a black border during this time.
The handkerchief is bordered with narrow black, or is of narrow-bordered, plain, sheer linen.
For relatives-in-law it is not customary to put on black, although for a father- or mother-in-law it is customary, in the best society, to dress nearly as for an own father or mother.
A widower wears a complete suit of black, white linen, dull-black silk neckties, dull-black leather shoes, black gloves, and a black ribbon of broader width upon his hat.
The mourning band sewed upon the coat sleeve is a discredited form of mourning. It does not denote the nearness of the loss, and has only the virtue of cheapness for those who cannot afford to show marked respect to the dead.
Men do not observe the custom of withdrawing from society for as long a time as do the women, but usually reappear at the homes of intimate friends, at public places of entertainment, and at the club after two or three months. As long as the mourning band is worn upon the hat, however, no man should attend large and fashionable functions, as dinner or dancing parties, or the theater.
After six months a woman may resume calling, returning the calls of those who called upon her in the early weeks of her bereavement.
Children of fifteen years of age and under should not wear mourning.
The viewing of the body of the deceased as it lies in the casket is the privilege of only the family and the immediate friends, and should not be requested by others. Therefore, the casket is now usually closed before the funeral service, especially if that be at a church. In case of a man in public office, it is sometimes necessary that the body should lie in state for certain hours, when the public may pay their respects.
Punctuality is very necessary in regard to everything connected with a funeral service, as the overwrought nerves of those who are sorrowing should not be taxed to bear any extra tension.
Within ten days after the funeral, a card ofthanks for sympathy should be sent to all who have called upon the family or sent flowers or offered their services in any way.
When one is in mourning, one does not attend a wedding reception, though one may be present at the ceremony. Black should not be worn.
Mourners announce their return to society by sending out their cards to friends and acquaintances.
Thesocial usage in respect to military or naval officers follows ordinarily the customs of formal occasions or occasions of state in civilian life, or is provided for in the instructions of the army and the navy, which the members of those two departments of the service would alone be expected to know. There are, however, one or two occasions where the etiquette of social life is, or may be, modified by the formalities due to these representatives of the Government.
The Formal Military Wedding
The church or formal home wedding where the bridegroom and his attendants are all army men, may have the distinctive feature of the arch of swords or bayonets. The bridegroom and the ushers, in that case, are all in full dress uniform. The bride and bridesmaids are dressed daintily and fluffily to afford contrast. The church should be decorated with palms and lilies,and with the national and the regimental flags in the chancel. As the organist begins the wedding-march, two color-bearers of the regiment, carrying one the national flag and the other the regimental colors, precede the bridegroom and the best man from the vestry. The latter take their usual places, and the color-bearers move to a position at either side of the chancel steps. After the ceremony, they move to the head of the aisle, and the ushers form a line to the foot of the chancel steps. The ushers then put on their caps, unsheathe their swords, or raise their bayonets, and form an arch with them. Under this arch pass the bride and bridegroom, and the bridesmaids. Then, sheathing their swords and removing their caps, the ushers fall into line at the end of the procession.
Naval and Yachting Usage
When one is the guest of the owners or the officers of a yacht, or of the officers of a government warship or other large vessel, it is well to know that in the lading of the gig for reaching and leaving the ship, the order of precedence is always as follows: Juniors in rank or official importance enter the gig first, and the one highest in rank immediately precedes the Captain, who is always the last to embark and the first to disembark. Inleaving the gig, the order is reversed from that on entering it, the junior in rank thus being the last to leave the boat.
The Etiquette of the Flag
The flag is displayed every day only on government buildings and schoolhouses. On state holidays, and like commemorative days when it is customary for the flag to be displayed on private buildings, it should be raised at sunrise and lowered at sunset. It should not be displayed on stormy days, nor left out over night. It should never be allowed to touch the ground. When it is to be displayed at half-mast only, it should be raised to the tip of the staff and then lowered halfway. It should never be festooned or draped, but always be hung flat.
On Memorial Day, May 30, the flag should be displayed at half-mast until twelve o'clock noon, and then raised to the top of the staff until sunset. The salute for the changing of the position of the flag at all army posts and stations having artillery, is as follows: immediately before noon, the band plays some appropriate air, and at the stroke of twelve the national salute of twenty-one guns is fired. After this the flag is hoisted to the peak of the staff, while everybody stands at attention, with handraised to the forehead ready for the salute. When the colors reach the top, the salute is given, and the band plays patriotic airs.
The salute to the flag is used at its formal raising, and when it passes on parade or in review. The hand salute according to the regulations of the United States Army is as follows:
"Standing at attention, raise the right hand to the forehead over the right eye, palm downward, fingers extended and close together, arm at an angle of forty-five degrees. Move hand outward about a foot, with a quick motion then drop to the side. When the colors are passing on parade or in review, the spectator should, if walking, halt, if sitting, arise, and stand at attention and uncover."
In schools two forms of salute are taught. The first, for primary children, is: "We give our heads and our hearts to God and our country; one country, one land, one flag." The second, for all other pupils, is: "I pledge allegiance to my flag and to the Republic for which it stands: one nation indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."
When the flag is carried on parade, it is dipped in salute to the official who is reviewing the parade. Whenever the flag is displayed with other flags,—whether the colors of a regiment or other military organization, or of alien nations,—it should be placed, or carried, or crossed, atthe right of the other flag or flags. When portrayed in illustrations by any process or for any purpose, it is so pictured that the staff will always be at the left and the fabric will float to the right.
The chief regulations governing the composition of the flag are as follows: In thefieldof the flag there should be thirteen horizontal stripes, alternating red and white, the first and the last stripes red. These stripes represent the thirteen original colonies. The colors red and white were chosen by George Washington, the red from the flag of England, the Mother Country, broken by the white, symbolizing liberty, to show the separation. Theunionof the flag—white stars on a field of blue—should be seven stripes high, and about seven-tenths of the height of the flag in length. "The stars should have five points, with one point directly upward."[A]The stars symbolize the States. "By an act of Congress on October 26, 1912, the flag now has forty-eight stars, arranged in six horizontal rows of eight each."
FOOTNOTES:[A]Turkington, "My Country": Chapter XXIII, "Our Flag."
[A]Turkington, "My Country": Chapter XXIII, "Our Flag."
[A]Turkington, "My Country": Chapter XXIII, "Our Flag."