Calist.A Foot!
Mrs.Wellf.Ay, a Foot, 'tis not far, 'twill make me leaner. Your Servant Ladies. [Exit.
Mars.Your Servant.
Prais.A bouncing Dame! But she has done some things well enough.
Mars.Fye, Mr.Praiseall! That you shou'd wrong your Judgment thus! Don't do it, because you think her my Friend: I profess, I can't forbear saying, her Heroicks want Beautiful Uniformity as much as her Person; and her Comedies are as void of Jests as her Conversation.
Prais.I submit to your Ladyship.
Aw'dw.Madam, shall I crave leave to speak a few Words with you before you go?
Mars.I must gratify you, tho' 'tis to my Prejudice.—My DearCalista, be pleas'd to take my Chair to the Play-House, and I'll follow you presently.
Calist.I will; but make haste.
Mars.Fear not, yours waits below, I suppose, Sir.
Prais.Yes Madam.
Mars.Pray take Care of the Lady 'till I come.
Prais.Most willingly. [Exit.
Mars.What a ridiculous conceited thing it is!— A witty Woman conceited, looks like a handsome Woman set out with Frippery:
Aw'dw.Railing shou'd be my part: But,Marsilia, I'll give it a genteeler Name, and call it complaining.
Mars.Pshaw! You are always a complaining I think. Don't put me out of Humour, now I am just going to the Rehearsal.
Aw'dw.Why are you so ungrateful? Is it from your Lands water'd byHelicon, or my honest dirty Acres, your maintenance proceeds? Yet I must stand like a Foot-boy, unregarded, whilst a noisy Fool takes up your Eyes, your Ears, your every Sense.
Mars.Now, Mr.Aw'dwell, I'll tell you a strange thing: The difference between you and I, shall create a Peace.—As thus: You have a mind to quarrel, I have not; so that there must be a Peace, or only War on your side. Then again, you have a mind to stay here, I have a mind to go, which will be a Truce at least.— [Is going.
Aw'dw.Hold, Madam, do not teaze me thus; tho' you know my Follies and your Power, yet the ill-us'd Slave may break his Chain.
Mars.What wou'd the Man have? If you'll be good humour'd, and go to the Play-house, do; if not, stay here. Ask my Maid Questions, increase your Jealousie, be dogged and be damn'd.
Aw'dw.Obliging? If I shou'd go, I know my Fate; 'twou'd be like standing on the Rack.
Mars.While my Play's Rehearsing! That's an Affront I shall never forgive whilst I breath.
Aw'dw.Tho' I thought not of your Play?
Mars.That's worse.
Aw'dw.Your Carriage, your cruel Carriage, was thething I meant. If there shou'd be a Man of Quality, as you call 'em, I must not dare to own I know you.
Mars.And well remembred. My Lord Duke promis'd he'd be there.—Oh Heav'ns! I wou'd not stay another moment, No, not to finish a Speech inCatiline. What a Monster was I to forget it! Oh Jehu! My Lord Duke, and SirThomas!Pat.another Chair, SirThomasand my Lord Duke both stay.— [Exit running.
Aw'dw.Follow, follow. Fool, be gorg'd and glutted with Abuses, then throw up them and Love together.— [Exit.
the Play-House.
Enter Mr.Johnson,Mr.Pinkethman,Mrs.Lucas,and MissCross.
Mrs.Cross. Good morrow Mrs.Lucas; why what's the Whim, that we must be all dress'd at Rehearsal, as if we play'd?
Mrs.Lucas, 'Tis by the Desire of MadamMaggotthe Poetess, I suppose.
Mrs.Cross. She is a little whimsical, I think, indeed; for this is the most incomprehensible Part I ever had in my Life; and when I complain, all the Answer I get is, 'tis New, and 'tis odd; and nothing but new things and odd things will do—Where's Mr.Powell, that we may try a little before she comes.
Mr.Johnson. At the Tavern, Madam.
Mrs.Cross. At the Tavern in a Morning?
Mr.Johns.Why, how long have you been a Member of this Congregation, prettyMiss, and not know honestGeorgeregards neither Times nor Seasons in Drinking?
Enter Mrs.Wellfed.
Mrs.Cross. O! Here comes Mrs.Wellfed. Your Servant Madam.
Mrs.Wellf.Your Servant Gentlemen and Ladies.
Mrs.Lucas. Sit down, Mrs.Wellfed, you are out of Breath.
Mrs.Wellf.Walking a Pace, and this ugly Cough—[Coughs.Well the Lady's a coming, and a couple of Beaus, but I perceive you need not care who comes, you are all dress'd.
Mrs.Cross. So it seems. I think they talk she expects a Duke.
Mrs.Wellf.Here's two of the Company.
Enter Mr.PraiseallandCalista.
Prais.Dear Mrs.Cross, your Beauties Slave.
Mrs.Cross. Upon Condition, 'tis then, if I have no Beauty, you are no Slave; and the matter is just as 'twas.
Prais.Sharp, Sharp.—CharmingIsabella, let me kiss the Strap of your Shoe, or the Tongue of your Buckle.
Mrs.Cross. Now have I such a mind to kick him i'th' Chops.— [Aside.Oh fye, Sir, What d'ye mean?
Calista.So, now he's got among the Players, I may hang my self for a Spark.
Mr.Pink.PritheeJohnson, who is that?
Mr.Johns.He belongs to one of the Inns of Chancery.
Mr.Pink.A Lawyer?
Mr.Johns.I can't say that of the Man neither, tho' he sweats hard in Term-time, and always is as much atWestminster, as he that has most to do.
Mr.Pink.Does he practice?
Mr.Johns.Walking there, much.
Mr.Pink.But I mean, the Laws?
Mr.Johns.How to avoid its Penalty only. The Men are quite tir'd with him, for you shall generally see him oagling after the Women. He makes a shift to saunter away his Hours till the Play begins; after you shall be sure to behold his ill-favour'd Phyz, peeping out behind the Scenes, at both Houses.
Mr.Pink.What, at one time?
Mr.Johns.No, Faith, 'tis his moving from one House to 'tother takes up his time, which is the Commodity sticks of his Hands, for he has neither Sense nor Patience to hear a Play out.
Mr.Pink.I have enough of him, I thank you Sir.
Calista.How d'ye Madam? [To Mrs.Wellfed.
Mrs.Wellf.At your Service, Madam.
Calista.Marsiliacommitted me to the Care of Mr.Praiseall; but more powerful Charms have robb'd me of my Gallant.
Mrs.Wellf.I thank Heav'n, I'm big enough to take care of myself. Indeed to neglect a young pretty Lady, expose her unmask'd amongst a Company of wild Players, is very dangerous.
Calist.Unmask'd! Humph! I'll be ev'n with you for that. [Aside.Madam, I have read all your excellent Works, and I dare say, by the regular Correction, you are a Latinist, tho'Marsilialaught at it.
Mrs.Wellf.Marsiliashews her Folly, in laughing at what she don't understand. Faith, Madam, I must own my ignorance, I can go no further than the eight Parts of Speech.
Calist.Then I cannot but take the Freedom to say, you, or whoever writes, imposes upon the Town.
Mrs.Wellf.'Tis no imposition, Madam, when ev'ry Body's inclination's free to like, or dislike a thing.
Calist.Your Pardon, Madam.
Prais.How's this? Whilst I am making Love, I shall have my two Heroines wage War. Ladies, what's your Dispute?
Mrs.Wellf.Not worth appealing to a Judge, in my Opinion.
Calista.I'll maintain it with my Life. Learning is absolutely necessary to all who pretend to Poetry.
Mrs.Wellf.We'll adjourn the Argument,Marsiliashall hear the Cause.
Prais.Ay, if you can perswade her to hold her Tongue so long.
Mrs.Wellf.I wish I cou'd engage you two in aLatinDispute, Mr.Praiseall, and you shou'd tell how often the Lady breaksPris—Pris—What's his Name? His Head, you know.
Prais.Priscian, you mean; Hush! Hush!
Mrs.Wellf.He cares not for entring the Lists neither. Come, Mr.Praiseall, I'll put you upon a more pleasing Task. Try to prevail with that Fair Lady, to give us her New Dialogue.
Prais.What, my Angel?
Mrs.Wellf.Mrs.Cross, I mean.
Prais.There is no other She, Madam.
Mrs.Cross. Sir!
Prais.Will you be so good, to charm our Ears, and feast our Eyes; let us see and hear you in Perfection.
Mrs.Cross. This Complement is a Note aboveEla. IfMarsiliashou'd catch me anticipating her Song, she'd chide sadly.
Mrs.Wellf.Oh, we'll watch. I'll call Mr.Leveridge.
Song by Mrs.Cross.——A Dialogue.
Prais.Thank you Ten thousand times, my Dear.
Calista.I'm almost weary of this illiterate Company.
Mrs.Wellf.Now, Mr.Praiseall, get but Mrs.Lucas's New Dance, by that time sure the Lady will come.
Prais.I'll warrant ye my littleLucas.
SINGS.
With a Trip and a Gim,And a Whey and a Jerk at Parting.
Where art thou, my little Girl?
Little Boy.She is but drinking a Dish of Coffee, and will come presently.
Prais.Pshaw! Coffee! What does she drink Coffee for? She's lean enough without drinking Coffee.
Mr.Pink.Ay, but 'tis good to dry up Humours.
Prais.That's well, I Faith! Players dry up their Humours!Why what are they good for then? Let her exert her Humours in Dancing, that will do her most good, and become her best.——Oh, here she comes!—--You little Rogue, what do you drink Coffee for?
Mrs.Lucas. For the same Reason you drink Claret; because I love it.
Prais.Ha, Pert!Come, your last Dance, I will not be deny'd.
Lucas.I don't intend you shall; I love to Dance, as well as you do to see me.
Prais.Say'st thou so? Come on then; and when thou hast done, I'll treat you all in the Green Room with Chocolate; Chocolate, Huzzy; that's better by half than Coffee.Allagreed.
A Dance by Mrs.Lucas.
Prais.Titely done, I Faith, little Girl.
Enter Mrs.Knight.
Mrs.Cross. Good morrow Mrs.Knight. Pray, dear Mrs.Knight, tell me your Opinion of this Play; you read much, and are a Judge.
Mrs.Knight. Oh your Servant, Madam! Why truly, my Understanding is so very small, I can't find the Ladies meaning out.
Mrs.Cross. Why, the Masters admire it.
Mrs.Knight. So much the worse. What they censure, most times prospers; and commonly, what they admire, miscarries: Pshaw! They know nothing. They have Power, and are positive; but have no more a right Notion of things, Mrs.Cross, than you can have of the Pleasures of Wedlock, that are unmarry'd.
Mrs.Cross. I submit to better Judgment in that, Madam. I am sure the Authoress is very proud and impertinent, as indeed most Authors are.——She's a Favourite, and has put 'em to a world of Expence in Cloaths. A Play well-dress'd, you know, is half in half, as a great Writer says; TheMoroccoDresses, when new formerly forSebastian, theysay enliven'd the Play as much as the Pudding and Dumpling Song didMerlin.
Mrs.Knight. This Play must be dress'd if there's any Credit remains, tho' they are so cursedly in debt already.
Mrs.Cross. It wants it, Madam, it wants it.
Mr.Wellf.Well, Ladies, after this Play's over, I hope you'll think of mine; I have two excellent Parts for ye.
But, We are at your Service.
Mrs.Wellf.Mr.Pinkethman! Mr.Pinkethman! What, d'ye run away from a Body?
Mr.Pink.Who!? I beg your Pardon, Madam.
Mrs.Wellf.Well, Mr.Pinkethman, you shall see what I have done for you in my next.
Mr.Pink.Thank ye, Madam; I'll do my best for you too.
Mrs.Wellf.Mr.Johnson!
Mr.Pink.So, now she's going her Rounds.
Mrs.Wellf.Mr.Johnson!—Duce on him, he's gone! Well, I shall see him by and by.
Enter Mr.Praiseall.
Prais.Ladies, the Chocolate is ready, and longs to be conducted by your white Hands to your Rosie Lips!
Mrs.Wellf.Rarely express'd! Come, Ladies.
[Exeunt.
Manent Mrs.Knightand Mrs.Wellfed.
MrsKnight. I believe our People wou'd dance after any Tom-Dingle for a pen'orth of Sugar-plums.
Mrs.Wellf.Come Mrs.Knight, let you and I have a Bottle of Sherry.
Mrs.Knight. No, I thank you, I never drink Wine in a Morning.
Mrs.Wellf.Then you'll never write Plays, I promise you.
Mrs.Knight. I don't desire it.
Mrs.Wellf.If you please, Madam, to pass the time away, I'll repeat one of my best Scenes.
Mrs.Knight. Oh Heav'ns! No Rest!—-- [Aside.Madam, I doubt the Company will take it amiss. I am your very humble Servant. [Exit hastily.
Mrs.Wellf.What! Fled so hastily! I find Poets had need be a little conceited, for they meet with many a Bauk. However, scribling brings this Satisfaction, that like our Children, we are generally pleas'd with it our selves.
So the fond Mother's rapt with her pratling Boys,Whilst the free Stranger flies th' ungrateful Noise.
[Exit.
The End of the First ACT.
EnterCalistaand Mrs.Wellfed.
Calista.I ThinkMarsilliais very tedious.
Mrs.Wellf.I think so too. 'Tis well 'tisMarsillia, else the Players wou'd never have Patience.
Calis.Why, do they love her?
Mrs.Wellf.No, but they fear her, that's all one.——Oh! yonder's Mr.Powell, I want to speak with him.
Calis.So do I.
Enter Mr.Powell.
Mrs.Wellf.Your Servant Mr.Powell.
Calis.Sir, I am your humble Servant.
Mr.Powell. Ounds! What am I fell into the Hands of two Female Poets? There's nothing under the Sun, but two Bailiffs, I'd have gone so far to have avoided.
Calis.I believe, Mr.Powell, I shall trouble you quickly.
Mr.Pow.When you please Madam.
Calis.Pray, Mr.Powell, don't speak so carelesly: I hope you will find the Characters to your Satisfaction; I make you equally in Love with two very fine Ladies.
Mr.Pow.Oh, never stint me Madam, let it be two Douzen, I beseech you.
Calis.The Thought's new I am sure.
Mr.Pow.The Practice is old, I am sure.
Mrs.Wellf.Now, Mr.Powell, hear mine: I make two very fine Ladies in Love with you, is not that better? Ha!
Calis.Why, so are my Ladies.
Mrs.Wellf.But, my Ladies.——
Calis.Nay, if you go to that, Madam, I defie any Ladies, in the Pale, or out of the Pale, to love beyond my Ladies.
Mrs.Wellf.I'll stand up for the Violence of my Passion, whilst I have a bit of Flesh left on my Back, Mr.Powell!
Calis.Lord! Madam, you won't give one leave to speak.
Mr.Pow.O Gad! I am Deaf, I am Deaf, or else wou'd I were.
Mrs.Wellf.Well, Mr.Powell, when shall mine be done?
Calis.Sure I have Mr.Powell'sPromise.
Mrs.Wellf.That I am glad on, then I believe mine will come first.
Calis.D'ye hear that, Mr.Powell! Come pray Name a Time.
Mrs.Wellf.Then I'll have time set too.
Mr.Pow.O Heav'ns! Let me go! Yours shall be done to day, and yours to morrow; farewell for a Couple of Teazers! Oh the Devil! [Flinging from 'em.
MarsilliaEntring, meets him.
Mars.What in a Heat, and a Passion, and all that, Mr.Powell? Lord! I'll tell you, Mr.Powell, I have been in a Heat, and Fret, and all that, Mr.Powell! I met two or three idle People of Quality, who thinking I had no more to do than themselves, stop'd my Chair, and teaz'd me with a Thousand foolish Questions.
Mr.Pow.Ay, Madam, I ha' been plagu'd with Questions too.
Mars.There's nothing gives me greater Fatigue than any one that talks much; Oh! 'Tis the superlative Plague of the Universe. Ump! This foolish Patch won't stick: Oh Lord! Don't go Mr.Powell, I have a World of things to say to you. [Patching at her Glass.
Mr.Pow.The more's my Sorrow.
Enter Mr.Praisealland Mrs.Knight.
Mar.How do you like my Play, Mr.Powell?
Mr.Pow.Extraordinary, Madam, 'tis like your Ladyship, at Miracle.
Calis.How civilly he treats her.
Mrs.Wellf.He treats her with what ought to be dispis'd, Flattery.
Mars.What was that you said? Some fine thing I dare swear? Well, I beg your Pardon a Thousand times: My Head was got toCataline: Oh, Mr.Powell, you shall beCatiline, notBen Johnson's Fool, but myCataline, Mr.Powell.
Mr.Pow.I'd be a Dog to serve your Ladyship, as a Learned Author has it.
Mar.Oh my Jehu! What, no Body come?
Mrs.Knight. No Body, Madam! Why here's all the Players.
Mar.Granted, Mrs.Knightand I have great Value for all the Players, and your self in particular; but give me leave to say, Mrs.Knight, when I appear, I expect all that have any Concerns in the Play-house, shou'd give their Attendance, Knights, Squires, or however dignified, or distinguished.
Mrs.Knight. I beg your Pardon, Madam, if we poor Folks, without Titles, cou'd have serv'd you, we are ready.
Mar.Mr.Powell! Mr.Powell! Pray stay by my Elbow. Lord! I don't use to ask a Man twice to stand by me.
Mr.Pow.Madam, I am here.
Mr.Prais.Ha! A rising Favourite, that may Eclipse my Glory; Madam, I have been taking true Pains to keep your Princes and Princesses together here.
Mar.Pray don't interrupt me, Mr.Praiseall, at this time. Mr.Powell, I suppose you observe, throughout my Play, I make the Heroes, and Heroines in Love with those they shou'd not be.
Mr.Pow.Yes, Madam.
Mar.For look ye, if every Woman had lov'd her own Husband, there had been no Business for a Play.
Mr.Pow.But, Madam, won't the Critticks say, the Guilt of their Passion takes off the Pity?
Mar.Oh, Mr.Powell, trouble not your self about the Criticks, I am provided for them, my Prologue cools their Courage I warrant 'em; han't you heard the Humour?
Mr.Pow.No, Madam.
Mar.I have two of your stoutest Men enter with long Truncheons.
Mr.Pow.Truncheons! Why Truncheons?
Mar.Because a Truncheon's like a Quarter-staff, has a mischievous Look with it, and a Critick is cursedly afraid of any thing that looks terrible.
Mr.Prais.Why, Madam, there are abundance of Critticks, and witty Men that are Soldiers.
Mar.Not one upon my Word, they are more Gentlemen, than to pretend to either, a Witty Man and a Soldier; you may as well say a modest Man, and a Courtier; Wit is always in the Civil Power, take my Word for it; Courage, and Honesty work hard for their Bread; Wit and Flattery feeds on Fools, and if they are counted Wise, who keep out of Harm's way, there's scarce a Fool now in the Kingdom.
Mr.Prais.Why, Madam, I have always took care to keep my self out of Harms Way, not that it is my Pretence to Wit, for I dare look Thunder in the Face, and if you think no Wit has Courage, what made you send for me?
Mr.Pow.Here's good Sport towards.
Mar.Because I have Occasion for nothing but Wit: I sent for you to vouch for mine, and not fight for your own. Mr.Powell, let us mind our Cause.
Mr.Prais.Damme, I dare fight!
Mar.Not with me, I hope: This is all Interruption by Heav'n!
Mr.Prais.'Tis well there's not a Man asserts your Cause. [Walks about.
Mar.How Sir! Not a Man assert my Cause?
Prais.No, if there were, this Instant you should behold him weltring at your Feet.
Mr.Pow.Sir!
Mr.Prais.Hold! HonestGeorge; I'll not do the Town such an Injury, to whip thee thro' the Guts.
Mar.Barbarous, not to endure the Jest the whole Audience must hear with patience.
Enter Mr.Aw'dwell.
Mr.Aw'dw.What's here Quarrelling? Come on; I thank Heav'n, I never was more inclin'd to Bloodshed in my Life.
Mr.Prais.This is my Evil Genius: I said I should have no Luck to Day——Mr.Aw'dwell, your very humble Servant, did you hear a Noise, as you came in? 'Twas I made the Noise, Mr.Aw'dwell, I'll tell you how 'twas.
Aw'dw.Do, for I am resolv'd to justifie the Lady.
Mr.Prais.Then you must know, I was trying to act one ofMarsillia'sHeroes, a horrible blustring Fellow!That made me so loud, Sir; now, says Mr.Powell, you do it awkerdly; whip says I, in answer like a Chollerick Fool, and out comes Poker, whetherGeorgewas out so soon I can't say.
Mr.Pow.How Sir!my Sword in the Scabbard, and your's drawn!
Mr.Prais.Nay, nay, may be it wasGeorge, but now we are as good Friends as ever, witness this hearty Hug! (toMars.) Madam, I invented this Story to prevent your Rehearsals being interrupted.
Mar.I thank you Sir, your Cowardize has kept Quietness.
Mr.Prais.Your Servant Madam, I shall find a time.
Mr.Aw'dw.So shall I!
Mr.Prais.'Tis hard tho' one can't speak a Word to a Lady without being over-heard.
Mar.Come Mr.Aw'dwell, sit down, I am oblig'd to you for what you have done, but this Fellow may make a Party for me at the Coffee-house; therefore prithee let him alone, tho' I believe my Play won't want it.—Now clear the Stage; Prompter give me the Book! Oh, Mr.Powell, you must stay, I shall want your Advice; I'll tell ye time enough for your Entrance.
Mr.Pow.Madam, give me leave to take a Glass of Sack, I am qualmish.
Mars.Oh! Fie, Mr.Powell, we'll have Sack here; d'ye see Ladies, you have teaz'd Mr.Powellsick: Well, Impertinence, in a Woman is the Devil!
Mrs.Wellf.Shall we stay to be affronted?
Calista.Prithee let's stay, and laugh at herOpera, as she calls it, for I hear 'tis a very foolish one.
Mar.Come Prologue-Speakers! Prologue Speakers! Where are you? I shall want Sack my self, by and by, I believe.
Enter Two Men with Whiskers, large Truncheons, Drest strangely.
Mar.Lord, Mr.Powell, these Men are not half tall enough, nor half big enough! What shall I do for a larger sort of Men?
Mr.Pow.Faith, Madam, I can't tell, they say the Race diminishes every Day.
Mar.Ay, so they do with a witness, Mr.Powell. Oh, these puny Fellows will spoil the Design of my Prologue! Hark ye! Mr.Powell, you know the huge tall Monster, that comes in one Play, which was taken Originally fromBartholomew-fairAgainst this, is spoke Publickly; cou'd not we contrive to dress up two such things, twou'd set the Upper-Gallery a Clapping like mad? And let me tell you, Mr.Powell, that's a Clapping not to be despis'd.
Mr.Pow.We'll see what may be done; But, Madam, you had as good hear these speak it now.
Mar.Well, Sheep-biters, begin!
1st.——Well, Brother Monster, what do you do here!
Mars.Ah! And t'other looks no more like a Monster than I do; speak it fuller in the Mouth Dunce. Well, Brother Monster, what do you do here?
1st.——Well, Brother Monster, what do you do here?
2d.——I come to put the Criticks in a mortal Fear.
Mars.O Heav'ns! You shou'd have every thing that is terrible in that Line! You shou'd speak it like a Ghost, like a Giant, like a Mandrake, and you speak it like a Mouse.
Mr.Pow.Madam, if you won't let 'em proceed, we shan't do the first Act this Morning.
Mar.I have no Patience! I wish you wou'd be a Monster, Mr.Powell, for once, but then I cou'd not match you neither.
Mr.Pow.I thank you Madam, come, these will mend with Practice.
Mar.——Come begin then, and go thro' with it roundly.
1st.——Well, Brother Monster, what do you do here?
2d.——I come to put the Critticks in a mortal Fear.
1st.——I'm also sent upon the same Design.
2d.——Then let's our heavy Trunchions shake and joyn.
Mar.Ah! The Devil take thee, for a squeaking Treble!D'ye mention shaking your Trunchions, and not so much as stir 'em, Block! By my hopes ofCataline, you shall never speak it, give me the Papers quickly.
[Throws their Trunchions down.
1st.——Here's mine.
2d.——And mine, and I'm glad on't.
Mar.Out of my Sight, begone I say! [Pushes 'em off.Lord! Lord! I shan't recover my Humour again, this half Hour!
Mr.Pow.Why do you vex your self, so much, Madam?
Mr.Aw'dw.Poetry ought to be for the use of the Mind, and for the Diversion of the Writer, as well as the Spectator; but to you, sure Madam, it proves only a Fatigue and Toyl.
Mar.Pray, Mr.Aw'dwell, don't come here to make your Remarks; what, I shan't have the Priviledge to be in a Passion for you! Shall I; how dare you contradict me?
Mr.Prais.But you shall be in a Passion, if you have a mind to it, by the Clubb ofHercules. Ah! Madam, if we had butHercules,Herculesand his Clubb wou'd ha' done rarely: Dear Madam! Let 'em have Clubbs next time, do Madam, let 'em ha' Clubbs; let it be my Thought.
Mar.What, for you to brag on't all the Town over! No, they shan't have Clubbs, tho' I like Clubbs better my self too.
Mr.Prais.I ha' done, I ha' done.
Mar.O Heav'ns! Now I have lost Mr.Powell, with your Nonsensical Clubbs, wou'd there was a lusty one about your empty Pate.
Mr.Prais.I ha' done, I ha' done, Madam.
Mar.Mr.Powell! Mr.Powell!
Scene-Keeper—He's gone out of the House, Madam.
Mar.Oh the Devil! Sure I shall go distracted! Where's this Book? Come we'll begin the Play: Call my LadyLoveall, andBetty Usefulher Maid: Pray keep a clear Stage. Now look you, Mr.Praiseall, 'thas been the receiv'd Opinion, and Practice in all your lateOperasto take care of the Songish part, as I may call it, after a great Man; and for the Play, it might be the History ofTom Thumb; no matter how, I have done just contrary, took care of the Language and Plot; and for the Musick, they that don't like it, may go whistle.
Mr.Aw'dw.Why wou'd you chuse to call it anOperathen?
Mar.Lord! Mr.Aw'dwell, I han't time to answer every impertinent Question.
Mr.Prais.No Sir! We han't time, it was the Ladys Will, and that's Allmighty Reason.
Mr.Aw'dw.I shall have an Opportunity to Kick that Fellow.
Mar.I wonder my Lord Duke's not come, nor SirThomas. Bless me! What a Disorder my dress is in? Oh! These People will give me the Spleen intollerablly! Do they design ever to enter or no? My Spirits are quite gone! They may do e'en what they will.
Mrs.Wellf.They are entring, Madam.
Mars.Mrs.Wellfed, you know where to get good Wine; pray speak for some, then perhaps we shall keep Mr.Powell.
Mrs.Wellf.I'll take care of it, I warrant you.
Mars.I knew 'twas a pleasing Errand.
Enter LadyLoveall,andBetty Useful.
Mar.Come Child, speak handsomly, this Part will do you a Kindness.
Betty.Why do those Eyes, Loves Tapers, that on whomsoe'er they are fixt, kindle straight Desire, now seem to Nod, and Wink, and hardly Glimmer in their Sockets?
Mar.Mr.Praiseall, is not that Simile well carried on?
Mr.Prais.To an Extreamity of Thought, Madam, But I think 'tis stole. [Aside.
La.Lov.Art thou the Key to all my Secrets, privy to every rambling Wish, and canst not guess my Sorrows!
Betty.No! For what Lover have ye mist, honestBetty Usefulhas been the Contriver, Guide and close Concealer of your Pleasures:Amorousthe Steward, you know, is yours; the Butler too bows beneath your Conquering Charms, and you have vow'd your Wishes in your own Family shou'd be confin'd, who then of Worth remains?
La.Lov.—OhBetty!Betty!
Mar.Good Mrs.Knightspeak that as passionately as you can, because you are going to Swoon, you know; and I hate Women shou'd go into a Swoon, as some of our Authors make 'em, without so much as altering their Face, or Voice.
La.Lov.——Madam, I never knewBettysound well in Heroick.
Mar.Why, no MrsKnight, therefore in that lies the Art, for you to make it sound well; I think I may say, without a Blush, I am the first that made Heroick natural.
La.Lov.I'll do my best. Oh!Betty!Betty!Fear and Love, like meeting Tides, o'erwhelm me, the rowling Waves beat sinking Nature down, and Ebbbing Life retires! [Swoons.
Mar.What d'ye think of that, Mr.Praiseall? There's a Clap for a Guinea: 'Gad if there is not, I shall scarce forbear telling the Audience they are uncivil.
Prais.Nor, Gad, I shall scarce forbear Fighting 'em one by one. But hush! Now let's hear whatBettysays.
Betty.Oh! My poor Lady! Look up, fair Saint! Oh close not those bright Eyes! If 'tis inBetty'sPower, they shall still be feasted with the Object of their Wishes.
Prais.Well said, honestBetty.
Mar.Nay, She is so throughout the whole Play, to the very last, I assure you.
La.Lov.Yes, he shall be mine! Let Law, and Rules, confine the creeping Stoick, the cold lifeless Hermit, or the Dissembling Brethren of Broad Hats, and narrow Bands; I am a Libertine, and being so, I love my Husband's Son, and will enjoy him.
Mar.There's a Rant for you! Oh Lord! Mr.Praiseall, look how Mrs.Betty's surpriz'd: Well, she doth a silent Surprize the best i'th' World; I must kiss her, I cannot help it, 'tis incomparable! Now speak MrsBetty, now speak.
Betty.My Master's Son just Married to a Celebrated Beauty, with which he comes slowly on, and beneath this Courteous Roof rests this Night his wearied Head.
La.Lov.——Let me have Musick then, to melt him down; he comes and meets this Face to charm him. 'Tis done! 'Tis done! By Heav'n, I cannot bear the reflected Glories of those Eyes, all other Beauties fly before me.
Betty.ButIsabellais——
Mar.NowBetty's doubting——Dear MrsKnight, in this Speech, stamp as QueenStatiradoes, that always gets a Clap; and when you have ended, run off, thus, as fast as you can drive. O Gad! Duce take your confounded Stumbling Stage. [Stumbles.
Mr.Prais.Oh! Madam!
Mar.Hush! Hush! 'Tis nothing! Come Madam.
La.Lov.No more, he is mine, I have him fast: Oh! The Extasie!
Mar.Now Stamp, and Hug your self, Mrs.Knight: Oh! The strong Extasie!
La.Lov.Mine! Forever mine! [Exit.
Betty.But you must ask me leave first; yes, I will assist her, for she is nobly generous, and pays for Pleasure, as dear as a Chambermaids Avarice requires! Then, my old Master, why, I fear not him, he is an old Book-worm, never out of his Study; and whilst he finds out a way to the Moon, my Lady and I'll tread another beaten Road much pleasanter: My next Task must be to tempt Fasting, with my Lady's Beauty, thisIsabella.——
EnterAmourousthe Steward.
Am.Did I not hear the Name ofIsabella?Isabella, Charming asVenusrising from the Sea, orDianadescening onLatmusTop too likeDianamuch I fear; OhIsabella! Where art thou! I loose my way in Tears, and cannot find my Feet. [Exit.
Mar.D'ye mark! This was Mr.Amorousthe Steward, and he was transported, he never sawBetty. LookBetty's surpris'd again.
Mr.Prais.'Tis amazingly fine!
Betty.What's this I have heard? It makes for us; Mischief and Scandal are a Feast for them who have past the Line of Shame:Amoroushas a Wife, andIsabellaFaustins, work on together, work, work, on together work.
Mar.Now make haste off, Mrs.Betty, as if you were so full of Thought, you did not know what you did. Gentlemen and Ladies, how d'ye like the first Scene?
[ExitBetty.
Mr.Prais.If your Ladyship swore, you might justly useBen Johnson's Expressions;By Gad 'tis Good!
Mar.What say you,Calista?
Calis.'Tis beyond imitation. I never heard such stuff in my Life. [Aside.
Mar.Did you observeBettysaid her Master was finding out a new way to the Moon?
Mr.Prais.Yes marry did I, and I was thinking to ask if I might not go with him, for I have a great mind to see the Moon World.
Mar.And you shall see it all, and how they live in't, before the Play's done, here they have talked of the Emperour of the Moon, and the World in the Moon, but discovered nothing of the Matter; Now, again, I go just contrary; for I say nothing, and shew all.
Mr.Prais.And that's kindly done to surprize us with such a Sight.
Mar.Observe, and you'll be satisfied. CallFastin, andIsabella, attended; that is to say, call Mr.Powell, and MistressCross, and the Mob; for their Attendants look much like the Mob. Mr.Praiseall, do you know where the Scene of this Play lies?
Mr.Prais.Gad forgive me for a Sot; Faith I han't minded it.
Mar.Why, to tell you the Truth, 'tis not yet resolv'd; but it must be in some warm Climate, where the Sun has power, and where there's Orange Groves; forIsabella, you'll find, Loves walking in Orange Groves.
Mr.Prais.Suppose you lay it inHolland, I think we have most of our Oranges, and Lemons from thence.
Mr.Aw'dw.Well said Geographer.
Mar.No, no, it must be some where inItaly. Peace! They are coming.
EnterFastin,andIsabellaattended.
Attendance, don't tread upon their Backs, keep at an awful Distance there; so upon my Train! Ah thou Blockhead, thou art as fit for a Throne, as a Stage.
Fas.Shall I speak, Madam.
Mar.Ay, dear Mr.Powell, soon as you please.
Fas.Wellcome, dearIsabella, to this peaceful Seat of all my Father's Mansions, this is his Choice, this surrounded by these melancholly Groves, it suits his Philosophick Temper best; yet Fame reports, he has so long given his—Studies truce, as to wed a Young and beauteous Bride.
Mr.Prais.Why, Madam, had my LadyLoveallnever seen this Spark?
Mar.No, no; but she had heard of him, and that's all one.—Don't ask a Question just when People are a speaking, good Mr.Praiseall.
Mr.Prais.I beg your Pardon.
Mar.Pish! Come Mrs.Cross.
Isabella.Close by there, is an Orange Grove dark as my Thoughts, yet in that Darkness lovely; there my Lord, with your leave, I'd walk.
Fas.Your Pleasure shall be mine.
Mar.Lead her to the side Scene, Mr.Powell, now come back again.
Fas.To desire and love to walk alone, shews her Thoughts entertain and please her more than I, that's not so well.
Mar.Mark! He is beginning to be jealous: Now comesBetty, and I dare be bold to say, here's a Scene excellsJago, and theMoor.
Mr.Prais.Come, dear Mrs.Betty Useful! Oh! She's my Heart's Delight!
EnterBetty Useful.
Fas.What Fair Nymph is this?
Betty.From the bright Partner of your Fathers Bed, too sweet a Blossome, alass, to hang on such a wither'd Tree, whose sapless Trunck affords no Nourishment to keep her Fresh and Fair! From her I come to you, and charmingIsabella, But where is that Lady? Can you be separate? Can any thing divide her from your fond Eyes.
Mar.Now she begins.
Fas.By her own desire, she chooses Solitudes, and private Walks, flies these faithful Arms; or if she meets 'em, Cold and Clammy as the Damp of Death her Lips still joyn my Longings.
Betty.Cold Sweats, Privacies and lonely Hours, all Signs of strong Aversion: Oh had your Fate but thrown you on my Lady, her very Eyes had rais'd your Passion up to Madness.
Fas.Thou hast already kindled Madness here; Jealousie that unextinguish'd Fire, that with the smallest Fuel burns, is blazing round my Heart. Oh! Courteous Maid, go on! Inform me if my Love is false.
Betty.As yet, I cannot, the Office is ungrateful; but for your sake, I'll undertake it.
Fas.Do, and command me ever.
Betty.The FairClemene.
Fas.My Mother, do you mean?
Betty.Call her not so, unless you break her Heart: A Thousand tender Names all Day and Night she gives you, but you can never scape her Lips, her Curtains by me drawn wide, discover your goodly Figure, each Morn the Idol's brought, eagerly she prints the dead Colours, throws her tawny Arms abroad, and vainly hopes kisses so Divine, wou'd inspire the painted Nothing, and mould into Man.
Mar.Is not this moving, Mr.Powell?
Prais.Ay, and melting too, I Gad, wou'd I was the Picture for her sake.
Fas.What's this I hear?
Prais.Nay, no harm, Sir.
Mar.Fie! Mr.Praiseall! Let your ill-tim'd Jests alone.
Prais.I ha' done, I ha' done.
Mars.Mr.Powell, be pleas'd to go on.
Fas.What's this I hear?
Betty.Her own Picture, which sure she sees by Sympathy, you'll entertain by me, she prays you to accept.
[Gives the Picture.
Mar.Now, dear Mr.Powell, let me have the pleasure to hear you rave. Oh!Mr.Praiseall, this Speech, I die upon this Speech!
Mr.Prais.Wou'd we cou'd hear it, Madam, I am preparing to clap.
Fas.What's this thou hast given me? There's more than Necromantick Charms in every bewitching Line, my trembling Nerves are in their Infancy; I am cold as Ice!
Mar.Ay, ay, Love comes just like an Ague Fit.
Fas.What alteration here? Now I am all on Fire!AlcidesShirt sticks close; Fire, incestious Fire, I blaze! I burn! I Rost! I Fry! Fire! Fire! [Exit.
Betty.And my Lady will bring Water, Water, ha, ha, ha.
Mar.Laugh heartily, Mrs.Betty, go off Laughing.
Betty.Ha, ha, ha! [Exit.
Mar.So, Mr.Praiseall, here's a difficult matter brought about with much ease.
Prais.Yes, Faith Madam, so there is; the young Gentleman made no great Scruple to fall in Love with his Mother-in-Law.
Mar.O fie, Mr.Praiseall, 'twas the Struglings of his Virtue put him in such a Passion.
Prais.Ah! Madam! When once Virtue comes to strugle, either in Male or Female, it commonly yields.
Mars.You are waggish——Now for my Dance——Mrs.——-Mrs.Cross, Mrs.Cross, come you little Cherubim, your Dance.
ADANCE.
Aw'dwell.Pray, Madam, who is this Dance to entertain?
Mar.What, do you sit an Hour to study a cross Question? Why, to satisfie you, Sir, you are to supposeFastin, in passing towards his Mothers Lodgings, may, out of some Gallery, see it; now you are answered.
Aw'dw.I am.
Mr.Prais.Ay, and sufficiently too: A Gallery Balcony, twenty Peepholes.
Enter Mrs.Cross
Mrs.Cross. Madam, I cou'd wish you wou'd not be disoblig'd if I gave up this Part, I shall get my self, nor you, no Credit by it.
Mar.How, Mrs.Cross! Disoblig'd! Assure your self, I shall resent it ill to the last Degree, what throw up my Heroine! myIsabella! Was there ever a Character more Chaste, more Noble, or more Pitiful?
Mrs.Cross. Yes, very Chaste, when I am in Love with my Father-in-Law's Steward, I know not why, nor wherefore.
Mar.Mrs.Cross, I maintain, no Woman in the Play-House, nor out of the Play-house, can be chaster than I ma'eIsabella, but trouble your Head no further, I'll do the Part my self.
Mrs.Cross. With all my Heart.
Mar.And let me tell you MistressCross, I shall command whatever is in the Wardrobe, I assure you!
MrsCross. Any of my Gowns are at your Service, if they'll fit you, Madam.
Mar.Nay, they shall be; perhaps, without boasting, I command them, that command you.
Mrs.Cross. Perhaps 'tis not worth boasting on; there's your part. [Exit.
Mar.A little inconsiderable Creature! Well, she shall see how much better 'twill be done, and for meer madness, hang her self in her own Garters. Mrs.Wellfed, I'll wear a white Feather, That, I believe, will become me best.Patty, isPattythere?
Pat.Yes, Madam.
Mar.Patty, run to the Exchange, bring me a Dozen yards of Scarlet Ribbon; and d'ye hearPatty? Some shining Patches, some Pulvil and Essence, my Lord Duke shall help me to Jewels, throw up her part! I'll fit her, let her see how the Town will receive her, after I have trode the Stage.
Mr.Aw'dw.Why, Madam, you are not in earnest!
Mar.By my hopes ofCatiline, I am.
Mr.Aw'dw.For Heav'ns sake, don't make your self so irrecoverably rediculous.
Mr.Prais.Do, Madam, I say, 'Gad, I'll make such a Party!Gad, I'll do nothing but clap, from the time I come into the House, 'till I go out; Ouns, I'll be hang'd if it don't bring a Swindging Audience, on the third day.
Mr.Aw'dw.To dance naked on the third Day, wou'd bring a bigger Audience; Why don't you perswade the Lady to that? [Speaking loud toMarsillia.
Do,Marsillia, be rul'd by your Vanity, and that good Friend, Mr.Praiseall; but rest assur'd, after such a weakness, I will never see your Face again.
Mar.Ha! I must not loose him. (aside) Why, Mr.Aw'dwell, wou'd you have such a hopeful Play lost? Can you be so unreasonable to desire it? And that Part ruins all.
Mr.Aw'dwell. Give me the Part, and I'll try to perswade Mrs.Cross.
Mar.Do, that's a good Boy; and I won't disoblige him this two days.
Mr.Aw'dw.Is't possible! Will you dine at your own Lodgings to day? I'll give Order for some Dishes of Meat there?
Mar.Yes, yes.
Mr.Aw'dw.Don't serve me now, as you did when I provided a handsome Dinner for you at my own House; and you whiskt toChelsy, in a Coach, with the Lord knows who.
Mar.No, I scorn it. [Exit Mr.Aw'dwell.
Prais.You was talking of Wine, there is some within; pray take a Recruit before you proceed.
Mar.A good Motion, wait upon these two Ladies in, and I'll follow; I must practice a little, least Mrs.Crossshou'd prove stubborn, and then, not my Father's Ghost shou'd hinder me.
Calista.We'll begin your health.
[Exeunt.
Mar.Do. Whom shall I Curse, my Birth, My Fate, or Stars! All are my Foes! All bent to ruine Innocence!
EnterPatty,with Patches,Powder,Looking-glass, &c.
Pat.Oh, Madam!
Mar.How now, Impertinence! was not you told of Interrupting once to Day? Look how she stands now! How long must I expect what you have to say?
Pat.My LordWhiffleis come to wait on your Ladyship, and sends to know, whether you are at leisure.
Mar.Ay, he understands Breeding, and Decorum. Is my Dress in great disorder?
Pat.You Look all Charming, Madam.
Mar.Hold the Glass; give me some Patches; my Box is done; I am much oblig'd to his Lordship for this Honour. Some Powder. (Pulls the Box out of her Pocket.Put my Gown to rights, and shake my Tail. The unmannerly Blockheads have made a Road over it, and left the vile Impression of their Nauseous Feet. Well, how do I look now,Patty?
Pat.Like one of the Graces, drest for a Ball at the Court ofOrleans.
Mar.Ha, ha, ha; well said,Patty; now for my dear dear LordWhiffle.
Mr.Awdwellmeeting her.
Mr.Awd.How!
Mar.And how too! why, look ye, Mr.Awdwell, my Lord is come to pay his Respects to me; and I will paymy Respects again to my Lord, in spight of your Tyrannical Pretensions. And so, your humble Servant.
(Exit
Mr. Awd.Who wou'd a kind and certain Mistress choose,Let him, like me, take one that loves a Muse.
(Exit.
The End of the Second
ACT.