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Getting rich is a simple matter if one goes about it right. If you will deposit one penny in the bank on the first day of the month and double each deposit each day thereafter, until the end of the month (30 days), you will find yourself rich beyond the dreams of avarice. Thus:—
Society Hint:Even if you can't get into "Who's who in America," you can get into the Telephone Book, and it costs lots more.
Society Hint:Even if you can't get into "Who's who in America," you can get into the Telephone Book, and it costs lots more.
The reason more people do not succeed in this Get-Rich-Quick scheme is that they become discouraged when they get about 75 cents in bank and give it up.
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When Willie was young he cried for Mayoria.When Willie grew older he sought Governoria.When Willie woke up he'd lost his donoria.Now Willie is dead: they gave him Castoria.
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A Feat in Contortion:To make both ends meet on $8 per week.Farm Hint:Make the sled runners of slippery elm.
A Feat in Contortion:To make both ends meet on $8 per week.
Farm Hint:Make the sled runners of slippery elm.
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From the 1st to the last will be marked by mosquito showers. From the 11th to the 18th weddings will exceed divorces, followed by thunder and lightning. From June 18th to June 30th ice-cream sodas will be in the ascendancy. On June 21st the sun reaches the most northerly point in the Zodiac and enters the constellation of Cancer. Cancer is the sign for June. Cancer is an old sign and something that ought to be cut out.
If all the oceans should evaporate they would leave a deposit of 235 feet of salt. This, it is estimated, would salt enough pretzels to supply the world for several years.
It is claimed that if the power concealed in the sting of a hornet could be harnessed and utilized in commercial channels, it would lower the cost of transportation by a good many per cent.
An interesting experiment for little boys is to go into the dimly lit parlor where the big sister and her young man are sitting. Do not shuffle the feet or make any noise, and you will see a spark.
A hen will lay 200 eggs a year. A mosquito will lay 200,000,000 in one short summer. Are you gladder that hens are not mosquitoes, or that mosquitoes are not as big as hens?
Hotel Hint:No first class inn will permit guests to indulge in such undignified gymnastics as running through the corridors, or jumping board bills.Seasonable Advice:Look out for the open work lawn hose and accompanying shower baths.
Hotel Hint:No first class inn will permit guests to indulge in such undignified gymnastics as running through the corridors, or jumping board bills.
Seasonable Advice:Look out for the open work lawn hose and accompanying shower baths.
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The Secretary-bird, or Loebriole.
This little creature belongs to the "Knowitall" class and has no fear, often perching on the "Big Stick" itself. His distinguishing characteristic is a thick oak board where most birds wear tail-feathers. He only sings when there is a storm coming, and then his song has a plaintive note as he warbles "Ki-yi, blame it on me."
How to Make Credit Grow.
Select a choice "bluff." Prepare this carefully, for the size of the credit depends entirely upon the general appearance of the bluff. When you think the bluff is strong enough, take it to a bank. If it goes there, you will have no further trouble. Your credit is now ready to transplant. Should it begin to droop, give it a check. Be careful not to use too many, for the proper use of the credit-plant is to enable its owner to live without money.
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Fashion Note:It is no longer good form to serenade young ladies. If you wish to win their favor, toot an automobile horn.Health Hint:For "Seeing things" at night try a Welsh Rarebit.
Fashion Note:It is no longer good form to serenade young ladies. If you wish to win their favor, toot an automobile horn.
Health Hint:For "Seeing things" at night try a Welsh Rarebit.
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Summer begins June 20. By this time your freckles ought to have a good start.
Do you know what a freckle is, children? It is a golden-brown splash on the northwest corner of a young woman's nose, although her dearest friend says it is a fright.
A freckle is the same to a druggist as a pipe line is to Rockefeller—ready money and a lot of it.
One large deckle-edge freckle will cause a girl to buy nine kinds of cold cream, a dozen lemons, a pint of three-*ply acid, and a gross of poudre-de-phiz every Saturday afternoon.
All this gives vigor to the freckle.
Incendiary Warning:To save money from fire,—don't burn it.Etiquette Query:Is the game worth the scandal?
Incendiary Warning:To save money from fire,—don't burn it.
Etiquette Query:Is the game worth the scandal?
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Great care should be exercised in raising corn, especially the varietyJohnus Barleycornicus. This may be raised with either hand. Some superstitious agriculturists believe in the efficacy of a simple incantation to be used in the act of raising this variety, such as "Here's how!" "Over the hot sands!" etc.
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This kind has never been known to fail in getting to a head. "Kernels" of Barleycorn originated in Kentucky.
Pest Note:If troubled with Junebugs try sweeping the cobwebs out of the attic; if troubled with aunts close up the house and go to the country.
Pest Note:If troubled with Junebugs try sweeping the cobwebs out of the attic; if troubled with aunts close up the house and go to the country.
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Now is the time for the ruddy faced beer gardener to lay out his beer garden. First procure a license and a few nice rustic chairs and tables. Next extract the seeds from a couple of seedy old suits and get your wife to sew them. Your barber will gladly supply you with cuttings, or, if you have the chance, unscrew a dozen or so bulbs from some healthy young electric light plant.
With ordinary summer weather you should soon have a blooming fine lot of Anheuser bushes. As soon as the "buds" begin to pop, pack the roots with ice. Care should be taken to keep the plants from drying out.
Bottle flies, while annoying, do no real injury to the plant, and a judicious use of fly-paper will hold them in check.
In weeding, the beer gardener should be careful to distinguish between true widow's weeds and grass widow's weeds. The latter not only add color and beauty to the garden, but also give life to the plant.
Beer was never worn so much or used so extensively for interior decoration as it is today. There is a ready market for it at five cents a small bunch, and with intelligent grafting the bearing of the plant can be increased tenfold.
THERMOMETER ECONOMY:This is the best time to buy thermometers. They cost no more than during the winter months and contain more than twice as much mercury.
THERMOMETER ECONOMY:This is the best time to buy thermometers. They cost no more than during the winter months and contain more than twice as much mercury.
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The best authorities agree that it is inadvisable to attach a pack of lighted firecrackers to the tail of the household cat—without first making sure that the insurance policy on the house has been placed in a cold storage vault. A cat loves its favorite corner when it is mentally disquieted.
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Carving Note:A chicken neck served to a guest is "the most unkindest cut of all."
Carving Note:A chicken neck served to a guest is "the most unkindest cut of all."
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Parasols should be carried on Sun-day.
Persons attending services in poorly heated churches are justified in making a cloak of their religion.
Eton jackets may be worn at the dinner table.
Silks with watered effects are popular with milkmen's wives.
The smart set is devoting a good deal of attention of late to the costuming of house dogs. Embroidered blankets during the winter and short pants during the hot summer weather are quite popular.
Shrinkable dress-patterns should always be sponged before they are made up, but the custom of putting an overcoat in "soak" after it has been worn awhile is still followed by gentlemen who are financially embarrassed.
Advice to Wives:It is better to let your husband bring a friend home to dinner than it is to have a friend bring him home after dinner.
Advice to Wives:It is better to let your husband bring a friend home to dinner than it is to have a friend bring him home after dinner.
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(Recent Interpretations)
AQUARIUS, the waterman, indicating what many a man becomes on the first of January.
PISCES, the fishes, indicating that by February he begins to be just as thirsty.
ARIES, the ram, indicating that in March he begins to meditate on the virtues of bock beer.
TAURUS, the bull, indicating that by April his disposition is surly and it's a toss-up whether he really remains a waterman.
GEMINI, the twins, indicating the result of the toss-up and how he feels toward his fellowman in May.
CANCER, the crab, indicating the backward interest with which he listens to his wife's plans for the summer.
Health Hint:For a turned ankle—a nicely turned feminine ankle—a low shoe, a short skirt, and a drop-stitch stocking are recommended.
Health Hint:For a turned ankle—a nicely turned feminine ankle—a low shoe, a short skirt, and a drop-stitch stocking are recommended.
(Continued on next left-hand page.)
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(Continued)
LEO, the Lion, indicating the state of mind with which in July he agrees with them.
VIRGO, the Virgin, indicating that in August he usually hears of his daughter's engagement.
LIBRA, the scales, indicating that in September various interested persons weight his family's summer enjoyments and send him the bills.
SCORPIO, the scorpion, indicating the state of mind with which he pays them in October.
SAGITTARIUS, the archer, indicating some fine shooting on the part of his conscience toward the end of November.
CAPRICORNUS, the goat, indicating what he feels like as he decides that next year shall be different.
A Milk Pointer:Milkmen, too, have their troubles. If they do not water their cows, or if they do water their milk, somebody has the law on them.milk
A Milk Pointer:Milkmen, too, have their troubles. If they do not water their cows, or if they do water their milk, somebody has the law on them.
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The war was contrary to all rules of warfare adopted by civilized nations because:
Political Note:Politicians are bought, not made.Health Hint:Persons too serious to take a joke should take a vacation.
Political Note:Politicians are bought, not made.
Health Hint:Persons too serious to take a joke should take a vacation.
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Take good care of the farm tools. A crow-bar, if carefully housed when not in use, may, at a hundred years of age be just as pry as ever.
In delivering a chair to the repairman to bottom he should be made to give a re-seat for it.
Feed the pigs well. A pig resembles a tree in one respect. It is by his root that he survives.
Farmers should encourage song birds to nest about the premises, but the lay of the hen must still bring them the most substantial delight.
It is when the farmer sees his fine crop maturing that he feels like singing, "In this wheat by and by."
In working about a mule that kicks, it should be remembered that his head-quarters are not his real business end.
Advice on Care of Your Rubber Plant:A Turkish Bath Factory needs constant attention to make it pay.
Advice on Care of Your Rubber Plant:A Turkish Bath Factory needs constant attention to make it pay.
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A cabbage leaf in the hat is an excellent means of keeping the head cool. The experiment is more successful if on top of the cabbage leaf you will place about two handfuls of chipped ice, renewing it as fast as it melts, and you might try sipping something from a high glass decorated with mint leaves—sipping it through a straw is favored by many eminent practitioners at the bar.
The farmer with a Jersey cowCan live as fine as silkFor he has got, you must allow,His thorough-bred and milk.
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A Hint on Luck:A Lucky-piece is a good mascot; a piece of luck is the real thing.Fashion Hint:With peek-a-boo waist and short sleeves, a woman must wear her heart in her hand-bag.
A Hint on Luck:A Lucky-piece is a good mascot; a piece of luck is the real thing.
Fashion Hint:With peek-a-boo waist and short sleeves, a woman must wear her heart in her hand-bag.
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To the fireman: Go to blazes!
To the butcher: May you never make a miss-steak in your endeavor to make both ends meat!
To the baker: May you always have the dough, not too much crust, and the means to loaf whenever you wish to!
To the spinster: May you ever be the matchless but not the mateless woman you are now!
To the young physician: May you wait, like Patience on a monument, till finally you shall have lots of monuments on your patients!
To the seamstress: May life always seam sew-sew in your hemmysphere!
To the dentist: May you always enjoy a pull and be able to fill many an aching void and long-felt want!
To the poet: May you have many more verses than reverses.
Health Hint:Many are cold, but few are frozen.cold
Health Hint:Many are cold, but few are frozen.
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Excuse us, but we will not suggest any method for removing a coat of tan. We are assured on the best authority that Alice blue, radium gray, and fluorescent green will be the popular shades this summer. However, if yours is a tan coat, unbutton it and pull your arms out first; it will then come off easily enough.
An astronomer from Indiana claims to have discovered that the Sun is inhabited.
The Public will probably hoot at this just as it hooted at Columbus when he said the Earth was round.
The Public also hooted at wireless telegraphy in its early stages.
The Public is now hooting at the idea of airships ever becoming common carriers.
The Sun may be inhabited, who knows?
This astronomer from Indiana may not be as buggy as he really appears at first blush.
The Sun is hot, 'tis true, but Hell is also hot.
And Hell is inhabited.
Financial Note:When in doubt, do the first one you come across.Marine Note:High rollers don't always come in from the sea.
Financial Note:When in doubt, do the first one you come across.
Marine Note:High rollers don't always come in from the sea.
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Take a pound of best timothy and soak it over night in fresh brine. Peel carefully and place it in a vegetable ivory saucepan. Add the yolk of an egg-plant and stir dreamily over an electric-fan till it disappears. Serve it right.
Procure two dozen new nuts from any hardware shop. Grind them into a paste of about the consistency of the average politician. Over this pour a little Standard Oil from which the dividends have been removed, and stir briskly with a subp[oe]na till the oil begins to run; pour off, strain, and beat the paste with an axe until it looks and tastes like a veal cutlet.
Take a false hare and pot it. This will be potted imitation hare, to be used for decorative purposes only.
Cut the plant into rubber bands, add a pinch of rubber cement and beat the whole mixture to beat the band until it will stretch without breaking. This rule is elastic.
Ticker Note:Bull movements are carefully watched in Mexico and Spain.Fashion Note:Many a hose is worn to be seen.
Ticker Note:Bull movements are carefully watched in Mexico and Spain.
Fashion Note:Many a hose is worn to be seen.
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To cure seasickness: Turn the entire system inside out and hang it over the rail of the ship where the salt spray can drench it. Under this treatment the patient is pretty sure to feel somewhat relieved within a few days after the time of going ashore.
Persons troubled with poor circulation should ascertain how to increase the same by consulting the editor of their favorite Sunday newspaper.
Weak respiration may be improved by a diet of onions. They are highly recommended for strengthening the breath.
For insomnia try snoring, which is always a symptom of SOUND sleep.
To prevent hay fever: Go not in the way of the kittenish grass widow.
Care should be taken to prevent the occupants of the penitentiary from getting the measles. It would make trouble should they all break out at once.
Financial Note:For "dust" in the house, ask hubby.Art Note:An artists' model is not necessarily a model of good behavior.banner model
Financial Note:For "dust" in the house, ask hubby.
Art Note:An artists' model is not necessarily a model of good behavior.
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How to Trim Rich Relations.
This is a very dangerous and delicate operation as the subjects can only be approached when they are asleep.
Provide yourself with a black-jack, a bottle of chloroform and a sponge. About three in the morning enter the room where the Richest Relation is sleeping. Going noiselessly to the bed, hold the sponge saturated with chloroform above the Richest Relation's nose. As his sleep becomes more profound, lower the sponge, and finally, with a quick motion, jam it in his mouth. Then strike his head with the black-jack, using all your strength. Rich Relations are suspicious and you cannot be too careful in business matters. This done, cut out the gold, silver, or bills, from his pockets, and any jewels or trinkets that you may find.
Note: In most cases it will not be necessary to kill the subject before you can do the trimming.
Health Hint:While sleeping it is best to lie on the right side; also while awake.
Health Hint:While sleeping it is best to lie on the right side; also while awake.