Why is a baby like a sheaf of wheat?Because it is first cradled, then threshed, and afterward becomes the flower of the family.
What is it that is queer about flowers?They shoot before they have pistils.
What is the worst thing to catch afire?Nothing.
Why is a man who has parted from his bed like one obliged to keep it?He is bedridden.
What is the oldest coupler in use?The wedding ring.
Why are hot rolls like caterpillars?Because they make the butterfly.
What is the difference between a mouse and a young lady?The one harms the cheese, the other charms the "he's."
When is a man thinner than a lath?When he is a-shaving.
Why is a pretty young lady like a wagon-wheel?Because she is surrounded by felloes (fellows).
Of what religious persuasion is the sea?A Quaker—for it has a broad brim.
Though I dance at a ball, yet am I nothing at all.A shadow.
What is that which, though black itself, enlightens the world?Ink.
When is a sailor not a sailor?When he's a-board.
What is the difference between a chess-player and an habitual toper?One watches the pawn, the other pawns the watch.
Which animal is the heaviest in all creation?A le(a)d horse.
What sort of tune do we all enjoy most?For-tune, made up of bank-notes.
Why is a spendthrift, with regard to his fortune, like the water in a filter?Because he soon runs through it, and leaves many matters behind to settle.
Why is English grammar like gout?Because it's torture (taught yer).
Why is an office with no work to do like a good dinner eaten by an invalid?Because it's a sign-o'-cure (sinecure).
Why is a shoeblack like an editor?Because he polishes the understandings of his patrons.
Why is opening a letter like taking a very queer method of entering a room?Because it is breaking through the sealing (ceiling).
Why are persons with short memories like office-holders?Because they are always for-getting everything.
What word is it which expresses two things we men all wish to get, one bringing the other, but which if we do get them, the one bringing the other, we are unhappy?Miss-fortune.
When is sugar like a pig's tooth?When in a hog's head.
Why is a joint company not like a watch?Because it does not go after it is wound up.
When may a man be said to be personally involved?When he is wrapped up in himself.
What wind should a hungry sailor wish for?One that blows fowl and chops about.
Why are bookkeepers like chickens?Because they have to scratch for a living.
Why do British soldiers never run away?Because they belong to the standing army.
What part of a car resembles a person?The wheel, because it is tired.
On which side of a pitcher is the handle?The outside.
When may a chair be said to dislike you?When it can't bear you.
What is that which divides by uniting and unites by dividing?The scissors.
Why are young children like castles in the air?Because their existence is only in-fancy.
Why is a proud girl like a music book?She is full of airs.
Why is a short negro like a white man?Because he is not at all black (not a tall black).
Why are bells the most obedient of inanimate things?Because they make a noise whenever they are told (tolled).
Why is the most discontented man the most easily satisfied?Nothing satisfies him.
Why are ripe potatoes in the ground like thieves?They ought to be taken up.
Why is it unjust to blame cabmen for cheating us?We call them to take us in.
Why are weary people like carriage wheels?Because they are tired.
Why does a tall man eat less than a short man?Because he makes a little go a long way.
What is the dryest subject?The mummy.
When are candles and women most alike?When sputtering.
Why are confectioners so much sought for?Because they serve kisses.
How many sides has a pitcher?Two, inside and outside.
What is wind like in a storm?Like to blow your hat off.
What is the difference between an honest and dishonest laundress?One irons your linen, the other steals it.
When is a policeman very like a rainbeau?When he appears after the storm is over.
Where are we most likely to find the sky blue?The nearer we go to the Milky Way.
What is the difference between a wealthy toper and a skillful miner?One turns his gold into quarts, the other turns his quartz into gold.
Why is an orange like a church steeple?Because we have a peel from it.
Why is the tolling of a bell like the prayer of a hypocrite?Because it's a solemn sound from a thoughtless tongue.
Why is a shoemaker like a true lover?Because he's faithful to the last.
What is the difference between a honeycomb and a honeymoon?One is made up of a lot of little cells, the other is one enormous sell only.
Why is the crabbed old bachelor who made the above conundrum like a harp struck by lightning?Because he is a blasted lyre.
When is truth not truth any longer?When it lies at the bottom of a well.
What should a clergyman preach about?About a quarter of an hour.
When is a man's pastor really and truly his brother?When he's his pa's son (parson).
What is the best way to hide a bear; it doesn't matter how big he is—the bigger the better?Skin him.
Why are sentries like day and night?Because when one comes the other goes.
When does the eagle turn carpenter?When he soars (saws) the woods—and plains.
Which one of a carpenter's tools is coffee like?An axe with a dull edge, because it must be ground before it can be used.
Why is it vulgar to send a telegram?Because it is making use of flash language.
Why is a spider a good correspondent?Because he drops a line by every post.
What is the difference between a correspondent and a corespondent?One is a man who does write (right), and the other a man who does wrong.
What kind of servants are best for hotels?The inn-experienced.
What sort of a day would be a good one to run for a cup?A muggy one.
Why are sugar-plums like racehorses?Because the more you lick them the faster they go.
Why ought a greedy man to wear a plaid waistcoat?To keep a check on his stomach.
When a church is burning, what is the only part that runs no chance of being saved?The organ, because the engine can't play upon it.
When are sheep stationery?When turned into pens, and into paper when folded.
What key in music will make a good officer?A Sharp Major.
What is the key-note to good manners?B Natural.
In what key should a declaration of love be made?Be mine, ah! (B Minor).
Why do teetotalers run such a slight risk of drowning?Because they are so accustomed to keep their noses above water.
What kind of a cravat would a hog be most likely to choose?A pigs-tye, of course.
Why is a flirt like an india-rubber ball?Because she's empty, yet full of bounce.
When is a butcher a thorough thief?When he steals a knife and cuts away with it.
Why is a field of grass like a person older than yourself?Because it's past-your-age (pasturage).
If Old Nick were to lose his tail, where should he go to supply the deficiency?To a grog shop, because there bad spirits are retailed.
What sense pleases you most in an unpleasant acquaintance?Absence.
Why is an abstract of a lecture like a sentimental boy and girl kissing?Because it's a syllabus (silly buss).
Why is a pictorial riddle like a second kiss?Because it's a rebus (re-buss).
Why is the latest thing in a fashionable gown like the South African bushman's club?Because it's "perfectly stunning."
Why is a department store like a countrysewing circle?Because it has so many notions.
Why is a music teacher like a baseball coach?Because he frequently says, "Try that last run over again."
What is the difference between a bright scholar and shoe polish?One shines at the head, the other at the foot.
What is a better investment the worse it is?A tenement.
When does a musician fail?When he is unable to discount his notes.
Why is a jeweler like a prisoner in solitary confinement?Because he has too much time on his hands.
When is a doctor like a cross-tempered man?When he is losing his patients.
Under what circumstances are a builder and a newspaper reporter equally likely to fail?When they make up stories without foundations.
Why is a hack-horse a miserable creature?Because his mind is always on the rack, and his only consolation is woe (whoa!).
Why is a good joke like the modern ballotbox?Because it is the greatest repeater known to history.
Why is a dressmaker braver than an actor?Because she is not afraid of the hook.
Why is the aspiring poet about to approach an editor with his verses like a consumptive?Because he's going into a decline.
Why is turkey a fashionable bird?Because he always appears well dressed.
Why should a candle-maker never be pitied?Because all his works are wicked, and all his wicked works, when brought to light, are only made light of.
How would you increase the speed of a very slow boat?Make her fast.
Why is matrimony like an invested city?Because when we are out of it we wish to be in it, and when we are in it we wish to be out of it.
Why is a person of short stature like an almanac?Because he is often looked over or over-looked.
Why is a certain kind of coach like the exclusiveoption on a certain girl's kisses?Because it's an omnibus.
Why are seasick excursionists like a strong opposition in Congress?Because they are opposed to the motion.
Why is the aëronaut whose airship plows into the earth like a successful speculator?Because he has taken a flier in real estate.
Why are airship inventors like musicians?Because they bend all their energies to the conquest of the air.
Why are the speeches of an orator heard through a phonograph like the State House dome?Because they are hollow but illuminating.
Why is a discredited politician like an unpopular dentist?Because each has lost his pull.
Why are seeds when sown like gate-posts?Because they propagate.
Why is fashion like a blank cartridge?Because it's all powder and puff.
Why is the Fourth of July like oysters?Because we can't enjoy it without crackers.
Why ought women to be employed in a post-office?Because they know how to manage the mails (males).
Why do the recriminations of married couples resemble the sound of waves on the shore?Because they are murmurs of the tied (tide).
What have you now before you which would give you a company, a veiled lady, and a noisy toy?Co-nun-drum.
Why is a mother rocking her child to sleep liable to arrest?Because she is engaged in a kid-napping project.
What is the cheapest candy?Horehound, because the advertisements of it read constantly, "Horehound drops 10 cents a lb."
Why does a rich lady act prudently by marrying a penniless man?Because she husbands her resources.
Why should a straw hat never be raised to a lady?Because, no matter how much you raise it, or how much she appreciates it, it is never felt.
When is a wall like a fish?When it is scaled.
Why is it impossible for a swell who lisps to believe in the existence of young ladies?Because he calls every Miss a Myth.
Why is a specimen of handwriting like a dead pig?Because it is done with the pen.
Why are good intentions like fainting ladies?Because all they want is carrying out.
What is it we all frequently say we will do and no one has ever yet done?Stop a minute.
Why can't a thief easily steal a watch?Because he must take it off its guard.
Why is a treadmill run by convicts like a true convert?Because its turning is the result of conviction.
Why is the rumseller's trade a profitable one to follow?Because, by conducting it with good spirits, he has more bar-gains than most others, and all his drafts (draughts) are paid.
Why is the inside of everything mysterious?Because we can't make it out.
What is that which a woman frequentlygives her lovely countenance to, yet never takes kindly?The small-pox.
Why is a bad gimlet like a prophesier of ill events?Because it is an auger-ill.
What is the strongest day?Sunday, because all of the others are "week" days.
What is the best way to make the hours go fast?Use the spur of the moment.
Why is the proprietor of a balloon like a phantom?Because he's an airy-naught (aëronaut).
Why is a fool in a high station like a man in a balloon?Because everybody appears little to him, and he appears little to everybody.
Why is an old coat like iron?Because it is a specimen of hard-ware.
Why is a leaky barrel like a coward?Because it runs.
If a man attempts to jump a ditch and falls, why is he likely to miss the beauties of summer?Because the fall follows right after the spring, unless he makes a summerset between them.
What does an iron-clad vessel of war, withfour inches of steel plating and all its guns on board, weigh just before starting on a cruise?She weighs anchor.
Why is a washerwoman like Saturday?Because she brings in the close (clothes) of the week.
When is it a good thing to lose your temper?When it is a bad one.
Why should a man never marry a woman named Ellen?Because he rings his own (k)nell.
What is it which covers a multitude of sin(ner)s?The gravestone.
Why is a vessel being blown out to sea like a bankrupt householder?Because both submit to a forced sail.
Why is a rooster on afencelike a penny?Because his head's on one side and tail's on the other.
What is the military definition of a kiss?A report at headquarters.
Why are washerwomen foolish people?Because they put out their tubs to catch soft water when it rains hard.
What is smaller than a mite's mouth?What goes into it.
Why is love always represented as a child?Because he never reaches the age of discretion.
Why is a man hanged better than a vagabond?Because he has a visible means of support.
What is the difference between photography and whooping-cough?The one makes facsimiles, the other sick families.
Why is a dog like a man four feet ten inches tall?Because he stands over four feet.
Why does the mayor order the saloons closed after a great fire?That the people may not try to drown their losses.
What is it which more people lie under than upon?The gravestone.
What is it that opens to all comers, advertises only the doctors, and yet is good for everything that ails you?The grave.
Why is a bride, weary of her apartment home, like a wrecked automobile?They've both got flat tire.
Why is a gardener like a detective-story writer?Because he works up his plot.
Why is a widower in love again like a good gardener?Because he immediately removes his weeds.
Why can the weight of an illuminating argument never be accurately determined?Because as the hearer weighs the words the scales fall from his eyes.
How does the surgeon, whose bill for an operation has been delayed by executors, resemble his deceased patient?He feels terribly cut up.
How does the cavalryman whose horse has thrown him differ from the faithful orderly?He obeys orders from hind quarters, while the orderly obeys orders from headquarters.
What is the best place to sow wild oats?Near a bank.
Why is a conductor on a car like a firefly?Because he can make you a-light.
Why is an automobilist who exceeds the speed limit like a social reprobate?Because he's too fast.
Why is the divorce court like certain newspapers?Because it has a matrimonial co-respondents' (correspondence) section.
What is the longest word in the English language?Smiles, because it has a mile between its first and last letters.
Which is heavier, a pound of gold or a pound of feathers?A pound of feathers, which weigh a pound avoirdupois; a pound of gold is a pound troy.
What is the first thing you do when you get into bed?You make an impression.
Why is twice ten like twice eleven?Because twice ten is twenty, and twice eleven is twenty-two (too).
Why is a pretty girl's pleased-merry-bright-laughing-eye no better than an eye destroyed?Because it's an-eye-elated.
That which every one requires, that which every one gives, that which every one asks, and that which very few take?Advice.
When is a thief like a reporter?When he takes notes.
When is a nation like a baby?When it is in arms.
What does the lamp post become when the lamp is removed?A lamp lighter.
Why is a mother who spoils her child like a person building castles in the air?She indulges in-fancy too much.
When you listen to your little brother's drum, why are you like a just judge?Because you hear both sides.
What is the action of the moon?It affects physically the tide, and sentimentally the untied.
Why is a father who frequently thrashes his boy likely to be prosecuted?Because he exerts undue influence in the making of a will.
How should Messrs. Taft and Roosevelt now travel?By ex-Pres.
Why is a Wall Street lamb like a surgical convalescent?Because he's been operated on.
Why is the humiliated braggart like the small boy who has drunk the washing fluid?Because he has swallowed the lye.
Why is the fresh young upstart like an aërial postman?Because he's up and coming.
Why is an elevator man like an aëronaut?Because his life is all ups and downs.
What is the coldest place in an opera house?Z row.
What will eventually change the size of the auto?The demand for more gauge (mortgage) which the present fad creates.
Why is the nurse of an insane ward like a popular opera star?Because everybody's crazy about him.
Why do love letters have a financial value?Because they are promissory notes.
When are words musical?When they have a ring to them.
When is a woman a live wire?When she's shocking.
Why is it easy to practice rotation of crops on the prairies?Because of the frequency of whirlwinds there.
Why is an astronomer like a theatrical manager?Because he's always looking for new stars.
Why is an airship bequeathed you by your father like the portrait of an ancestor?Because it is a family heirloom.
When is a lady's arm not a lady's arm?When it is a little bare.
When is a fish above its station?When it rises and takes a fly.
When is a boy not a boy?When he is a regular brick.
When is a piece of wood like a queen?When it is made into a ruler.
When is a skein of thread like the root of an oak?When it is full of knots.
What is that which has a mouth but never speaks, and a bed but never sleeps in it?A river.
Why should you never have a tailor who does not understand his trade?Because you would get bad habits from him.
What is the difference between a sailor and a soldier?One tars his ropes, the other pitches his tent.
Which is the ugliest hood ever worn?Falsehood.
What is the best thing to make in a hurry?Haste.
Why are cobblers like a famous physician?They are skilled in the art of healing (heeling).
What pen ought never to be used for writing?A sheep pen.
When is a subject beneath one's notice?When it is under consideration.
Why is a loyal gentleman like a miser?He knows the value of his sovereign.
When is a bill not a bill?When it is dew.
What is the proper newspaper for invalids?The Weekly News.
When is a pint of milk not a pint?When it's condensed.
What tune makes everybody glad?Fortune.
What is it that has four legs and only one foot?A bedstead.
Why is attar of roses never moved without orders?Because it is sent wherever it goes.
What goes most against a farmer's grain?His reaper.
What precious stone is like the entrance to a field?A-gate.
When is a man like frozen rain?When he is hale (hail).
Which of the stars should be subject to the game laws?Shooting stars.
What garden crop would save draining?Leeks.
When does a cook break the game laws?When she poaches eggs.
When is a river like a young lady?When it is crossed.
Why is a carpenter like a languid dandy?Because he often feels a great deal bored.
When does a donkey weigh least?When he is within the pound.
What is the last blow a defeated ship gives in battle?Striking her own flag.
What had better be done when there is a great rent on a farm?It had better be sewn (sown).
Why should onions be planted near the potatoes in a garden?So that the onions may have a tear-producing effect upon the eyes of the potatoes and make them self-irrigating.
Why may not the proprietor of a forest fell his own timber?Because no one is allowed to cut when it is his own deal.
What is the oldest piece of furniture in the world?The multiplication table.
Which is the greatest number, six dozen dozen or half a dozen dozen?Six dozen dozen, of course.
What is that which, the more you take from it, the larger it grows?A hole.
If a bee could stand on its hind legs, what blessing would it invoke?A bee-attitude.
Why is a blockhead deserving of promotion?Because he is equal to any post.
Why is an artist stronger than a horse?Because he can draw Windsor Castle all by himself, and take it clean away in his pocket if necessary.
Why is money often moist?Because it is frequently dew in the morning, and mist at night.
Why are lawyers such uneasy sleepers?Because they lie first on one side, and then on the other, and remain wide awake all the time.
And what do they do when they die?Lie still.
When is a lawyer like a donkey?When drawing a conveyance.
What proverb must a lawyernotact up to?He must not take the will for the deed.
Why will scooping out a turnip be a noisy process?Because it makes it hollow.
When was beef the highest?When the cow jumped over the moon.
What is the difference between one yard and two yards?A fence.
Why is a straw hat like kissing through the telephone?Because neither is felt.
Why is your shadow like a false friend?Because it only follows you in sunshine.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?Because it is the scenter.
If a woman asks her blind lover the color of a flower, what would he say?"I have no i-dea."
When are lawyers circumstances?When they alter cases.
Why is a dog's tail like an expressman?It keeps a-waggin'.
Why are chickens liberal?They give apeckwhen they take agrain.
What animals are in the clouds?Rain-deer.
Why is a young lawyer in his office like one of his chickens roosting on his neighbor's fence?He has no business there.
What is the difference between perseverance and obstinacy?One arises from a strongwill, the other from a strongwon't.
In what color should friendship be kept?In violet.
What is the noblest musical instrument? An upright piano. What the vilest?A lyre.
How do seamstresses resemble rascals?They cut and run.
Why is a Bostonian's brain like a book of conundrums?Because it is full of notions.
Why is a fortunate man like a straw in the water?Because he goes on swimmingly.
Why is the man who falls in the kennel approved of?Because he's add-mir'd.
Why is an organ an enemy to religion?Because it stands against the communion.
Why are sharpers like sparrows?Because they feather their nests.
Why is a looking-glass very complaisant?Because it always does as the company does.
Why is a newspaper like a lame man?Because it generally lies.
Why is a staircase like a back-biter?Because its rail's against you.
Why is a high wind like a dumb man in distress?Because it makes moving signs.
Why are sheep the most dissipated of animals?Theygambolall their youth, live by the turf, the best of them are blacklegs, and they get fleeced at last.
Why is a bald-headed man like a hunting dog?He makes a littleharego a great way.
Why is a horse that is constantly rid, though never fed, never starved?Because he's never without a bit.
Why is a sleepy servant like a warming pan?Because he's in bed before his master.
Why is a rich farmer like a man with bad teeth?Because he has a good many achers.
Why is an apple like a good song?Because it is encored.
Why is an eyelid like the wadding to a gun?Because it covers the ball.
Why is a smith like a ferryman?Because his business is to work ore.
Why is a garter like the gates of a slaughter house?Because it holds the stock in (stocking).
Why is a holly bush like a corpse?Because it is or will be berry'd.
Why is an apron like peas?Because it is gathered.
Why, when a very fat man gets squeezed coming out of the opera, does it make him complimentary to the ladies?Because the pressure makes him flatter.
Why are a couple of first-rate breech-loaders like two beautiful young ladies?Because they're pair-o'-guns (paragons).
Why is a woman's beauty like a gold coin?Because when once changed it soon goes.
What herb is most injurious to a lady's beauty?Thyme.
When is a superb woman like bread?When given as a toast.
Why is a lover's heart like a whale?Because it's a secreter (sea creatur') of great sighs (size).
How many wives are you allowed by the Prayer-book?Sixteen, viz.: Fo(u)r better, fo(u)r worser, fo(u)r richer, fo(u)r poorer; total, sixteen.
Why is paper like a beggar?Because it is composed of rags.
Why can Satan never be uncivil?Because the Imp o' Darkness can never be Imp o' Light.
Who is the man who carries everything before him?The footman.
Why is a pen manufacturer a corrupt man?Because he makes people steal (steel) pens and tells them they do write (right).
What is the greatest eye-sore in a farmyard?A pig-sty.
What is better than God, worse than the devil, what the dead live on, and the living would die if they lived on?Nothing.
Why is a prudent man like a pin?Because his head prevents him from going too far.
Whence proceeds the eloquence of a lawyer?From his mouth.
At what time by the clock is a pun the most effective?When it strikes one.
Why is a dead hen better than a live one?Because she will lay wherever you put her.
Why is a true and faithful friend like a garden seed?Because you never know the value of either until they are put under ground.
What benefit can be derived from a paper of pins?They will give you many good points.
What kind of a cat do we generally find in a large library?A catalogue.
Why is it difficult to flirt on mail steamers?Because all the mails (males) are tied up in bags.
What kind of a swell luncheon would hardly be considered a grand affair?A luncheon of dried apples and warm water, which is really a swell affair.
Why is a boy like a puppy?Because he's a younker (young cur).
What is that thing which we all eat anddrink, although it is often a man and often a woman?A toast.
How do eggs show their anger on being called Heggs?By becoming eggs-aspirated (exasperated).
On what side of a church does a yew-tree grow?The outside.
Why is a man whose "heart is in his mouth" through fright, like a cabbage?Because his heart's in his head.
Why is a shoemaker more charitable than another man?Because he is ready to give any man a lift.
Why is a picture like a fine woman?Because it's framed to please.
Why is a cunning man like a shoemaker?Because he'll pump you.
Why is a fiddle-maker like an apothecary?Because he'll send you a vial in.
Why would a pelican make a good lawyer?He knows how to stretch his bill.
When is a man incapable of performing a bare-faced action?When he wears a heavy beard and a mustache.
Why is a thief like a philosopher?Because he is given to fits of abstraction.
Why is it illegal for a man to possess a short walking stick?Because it can never be-long to him.
Why is a person who asks questions the strangest of all individuals?Because he is the querist.
What is that which travels about, goes much up and down, and wears shoes, but never had any shoes?A football.
Why are the pages of a book like the days of a man?Because they are numbered.
What word makes you sick if you leave out one of its letters?Music.
Why is a race at a circus like a big conflagration?Because the heat is in tents (intense).
Which is the left side of a plum pudding?The part that is not eaten.
Why is a man who runs in debt like a clock?He runs on tick.
Why is a bee-hive like a spectator?Because it is a bee-holder (beholder).
Why are fixed stars like pen, ink, and paper?Because they are stationary (stationery).
Why is a cook like a barber?He dresses hare (hair).
Why is a waiter like a race-horse?He often runs for a plate or a cup.
Why is a good story like a church bell?Because it is often tolled (told).
What is the weight of the moon?Four quarters.
How can you distinguish a fashionable man from a tired dog?One wears an entire costume; the other simply pants.
What is the difference between a new sponge and a fashionable man?If you well wet one it makes it swell, but if you well wet the other it takes all the swell out of him.
If I were to see you riding on a donkey, what fruit should I be reminded of?A pair (pear).
Why are cats like unskillful surgeons?Because they mew-till-late and destroy patience (mutilate and destroy patients).
When may you be said literally to "drinkin" music?When you have a piano for-tea (forte).
What is the difference between a professional pianoforte player, and the one who hears him?One plays for his pay, the other pays for his play.
Why is a thief like a bolus given to a lady?Because he's a pilferer (pill for her).
Why is a dead doctor like a dead duck?Because they have both done quacking.
Why is a commercial traveler whose "walk in life" is selling eggs, certain to be successful?Because he shows a good egg-sample from egg-sell-ent motives (example from excellent motives).
Why is an egg overdone like an egg underdone?Because it's hardly done.
What is most like a hen stealing?Why, a cock-robin.
Why have chickens no fear of a future state?Because they have their next world in this (necks twirled).
By what female name would an egg object to be called?Addle-laid (Adelaide).
Why ought cocks to be the smoothest birdsknown?Because they always have a comb about them.
Why is a dirty man like flannel?Because he shrinks from washing.
What is the difference between the earth and the sea?One is dirty, the other tidy.
Why is geology considered a deep science?Because it penetrates deep into the earth.
Why was our last question like a young lady sitting on theological works?Because it was virgin on something serious.
When you see a lady in distress, what should you pull up, and what bury?You should pluck up courage and inter-fear (interfere) in her behalf.
What is the difference between a good and a bad governess?One teaches Miss, the other misteaches.
When may a man be said to be literally immersed in his business?When giving a swimming lesson.
What prevents a running river running right away?It is tied up.
What sort of a cold is necessary to insure your getting on well at Court?Influence-sir.
Why is a man taking a hedge at a single bound like one snoring?Because he does it in his-leap (his sleep).
Why are ladies like hinges?Because they are things to a door (adore).
What is that which never asks questions, yet requires many answers?The doorknocker.
Why is a door always in the subjunctive mood?Because it is always wood (would)—or should be.
Why is a new-born baby like a storm?Because it begins with a squall.
When is a schoolmaster like a man with one eye?When he has a vacancy for a pupil.
How do angry women prove themselves strong nerved?They exhibit their "presents of mind" by giving you a bit of it.
What soup would cannibals prefer?The broth of a boy.
What is the only form in this world which all nations, barbarous and civilized and otherwise, are agreed upon following?The female form.
Why is a comet more like a dog than thedog-star?Because it has a tail and the dog-star hasn't.
Why is a watch-dog bigger by night than in the morning?Because he is let out at night and taken in in the morning.
Why is a dog biting his own tail like a good manager?Because he makes both ends meet.
When is a black dog not a black dog?When he is a grey-hound.
Why should you always choose white cows?Because it is no use milking those that are dun before you begin.
Why are two watches given as prizes like a happy married couple?Because though they are two, yet are they one (won).
Why is a human being like an earthen jug?Because both are made of clay.
Why is a man with corns on his feet like a certain favorite vegetable?Because he is a toe-martyr (tomato).
Why is a bald head like heaven?Because there is no parting or dyeing there.
Why is the meeting of lovers like a battle?Because there is an arm-y presentation.
Why is a young man who seldom attends church, sitting in the pulpit of a leaky church in a rain storm, like one who constantly attends church?Because he is sitting under the droppings of the sanctuary.
If a general should ask in vain for martial music, what word would embody his request?Conundrum (can none drum?).
Why is a fancy dancer like an old-fashioned country woman?Because she reels and spins.
In what constellation are the two shooting dogs which never go down?In Ursa Major, the pointers; they never go down because they are not setters.
What bird made the Yankee dish, bird's-nest pudding, and for what other bird was it made?Why, it was the cook who (cuckoo) made it, and for the swallow, of course.
Why are some ministers worse than Brigham Young?Because they have married more women than they can support, and would like to marry more.
In what respect does an attorney resemble a clergyman?He studies the law and profits (prophets).
What is the best way to raise strawberries?With a spoon.
Why is a man upstairs beating his wife an honorable man?Because he isabovedoing a mean action.
"Why," asks a disconsolate widow, "is venison like my late and never-sufficiently-to-be-lamented husband?"Because it is the dear (deer) departed.
What consolation has the homely girl?She will be aprettyold one if she lives long enough.
What moral sentence does a weathercock suggest?"It is a vain (vane) thing to a-spire."
What is that which if you take away all the letters remains the same?The postman.
Why is a correct knowledge of grammar indispensable to young clergymen?Because it leads to a(c)curacy.
Why is an extremely religious Roman Catholic lady only a very virtuous goose?Because she is so faithful to her proper gander (propaganda).
Why is a baker a most improvident person?Because he is continually selling that which he kneads himself.
Why is a good husband like dough?Because a woman needs him.
Why is it that the sun always rises in the East?Because the (y)east makes everything rise.
What is a very frequent mistake clergymen make in their sermons?Their being too long.
What is that if you take the whole away some remains?Whole-some.
Why is coal the most contradictory article known to commerce?Because when purchased it goes to the cellar (seller).
What is the difference between a baby and a shipwrecked sailor?One clings to its ma, and the other to his (s)par.
Why is a lance like the moon?Both are the glory of the knight.
When can you carry water in a sieve?When it is ice.
Why is a lame dog like the side of a mountain?It is a slow pup.
What is larger than a nutmeg?A nutmeg-grater.
When is it easiest to read?In the autumn when Nature turns the leaves.
Why do women seek husbands named William?That they may have aWillof their own.
Why is a steamboat a good place to sleep in?It leaves a-wake behind.
Who are the best astronomers?The stars, for they have studded the heavens for centuries.
What is it that goes up and down hill, but never moves?The road.
What is the difference between the Prince of Wales and a fountain?One is heir to the throne, the other thrown to the air.
Why is a negro woman like a doorway?Because she's a negress.
How does a sailor know there's a man in the moon?Because he has been to sea. Why didn't he stay there?Because he found it was full.
Why are you most likely to miss the 12:50 train?It is ten to one if you catch it.
Why should alchemists and astrologers be females?They are often Ann Elizas and Charlotte Anns from birth.
How does Patrick propose to get over his single blessedness?By proposing to Bridge-it.
Why is a kiss like a sermon?Because it requires two heads and an application.
Why should a man named Benjamin marry a girl named Annie?Because he would then be Bennie-fitted, and she Annie-mated.
State why a donkey browsing in a bed of thistles appears ill.Because he's a little down in the mouth, and looks rather seedy about the face.
Why am I, when prudently laying by money, like myself when foolishly squandering it?Because in either case I am—ass.
When is a teapot like a kitten?When you're teasin' it (your tea's in it).
Why does a puss purr?For an obvious pur-puss (purpose).
When is a fruit-stalk like a strong swimmer?When it stems the currants.
Why is lip-salve like a chaperon?Because it's meant to keep the chaps off.
Why are the bars of a convent like a blacksmith's apron?Because they keep the sparks off.
In what condition is a beer-barrel when it resembles old-fashioned curtains?When it's tap is dry (tapestry).
Why can the pall-bearers at a young lady's funeral never be dry?Because they have a gall on a bier between them.
What is the best day for making pancakes?Fry-day.
Why is a pair of skates like an apple?Because they have both occasioned the fall of man.
On a frosty day, what are the best fishes to fasten together?Skates, soles, an' (h)eels.
In what sort of syllables ought a parrot to be taught to speak?In polly-silly-bills.
Why is it dangerous for a teetotaler to have more than two reasons for the faith that is in him?Because three scruples make a dram.
What is the best key to a good dinner?Turkey.
Why is your favorite puppy like a doll?It is a pup-pet.
Which of the planets would a tortoise like best to live in?Herschel.
Why is a bullet like a tender glance?Because it pierces hearts.
What is the most suitable dance to wind up a frolic?A reel.
Why is a cook more noisy than a gong?One makes a din, the other a dinner.
What death does the sculptor die?He makes faces, and busts.
When may a room that is full of people be said to be empty?When there is not asingleperson in it.
Of what trade is the sun?A tanner.
When may a ship be said to be in love?When she is tender on a man-of-war.
When is she actively in love?When she seeks a mate.
When is she ambitiously in love?When she is making up to a peer.
When is she foolishly in love?When she is attached to a great buoy.
When is she absurdly in love?When she is h'anchoring after a heavy swell.
When is she demonstratively in love?When she hugs the shore.
When is she weakly in love?When she rests on the bosom of a little cove.
When is she treated too familiarly?When a smack follows her bow.
Why is a lame beggar inconsistent?He asks for alms when he wants legs.
Why has the acrobat such a wonderful digestion?Because he lives on ropes and poles, and thrives.
If the acrobat fell off his trapeze, what would he fall against?Against his inclination.
Why is a little dog's tail like the heart of a tree?Because it's farthest from the bark.
Why is there no such thing as an entire day?Because every day begins by breaking.
What is that which every living being hasseen, but will never see again?Yesterday.
What is that whichwill beyesterday, andwasto-morrow?To-day.
What is better than presence of mind in a railway accident?Absence of body.
Why is traveling by the Subway dangerous?Because then you are sure to be run over by carriages and automobiles.
Why is it not flattery to tell an old lady that she is "as beautiful as an angel?"Because, if we believe what we read, the angels must be very ancient.
What is the superlative of temper?Tempest.
On what day of the year do women talk least?On the shortest day.
What sort of a musical instrument resembles a bad hotel?A vile-inn.
What is it which every one wishes for, and yet wants to get rid of as soon as it is obtained?A good appetite.
If a spider were late to dinner, what would he do?Take a fly.
Name the most unsociable things in theworld?Milestones; for you never see two of them together.
Why is swearing like an old coat?Because it is a bad habit.
Suppose you were to bore a hole exactly through the earth, starting from New York, and you went in at this end, where would you come out?Out of the hole.
What is the difference between a Roman Catholic priest and a Baptist?One uses wax candles and the other dips.
Why, when you paint a man's portrait, may you be described as stepping into his shoes?Because you make his feet-yours (features).
What is the very best and cheapest light, especially for painters?Daylight.
Why is a marine painter like a large vessel?Because he draws so much water.
Why is it extraordinary not to find a painter's studio as hot as an oven?Because it is there that he makes his bread.
Where should you feel for the poor?In your pocket.
What is the best way of making a coatlast?Make the trousers and waistcoat first.
What animals are admitted at the opera?White kids.
With what two animals do you always go to bed?Two calves.
Why are the actions of men like great rivers?Because we see the course that they take, but not the source whence they spring.
When is a young lady not a young lady?When she's a sweet tart (sweetheart).
Which is better, getting the girl of your choice or a shoulder of mutton?A shoulder of mutton; as nothing earthly can be better than getting her you love, and a shoulder of mutton is much better than nothing.
At what period in his sorrow does a widower recover from the loss of his dear departed?When he re-wives (revives).
Why are policemen particularly required in a hop ground?Because there are always so many people picking pockets there.
When is water most likely to escape?When it is only half-tide.
Plant a puppy, and what would come up?Dog would.
Why are artists like washerwomen?Because they are not satisfied until their works are "hung on the line."
Why is a man who never lays a wager as bad as a regular gambler?Because he is no better (bettor).
Why does the conductor cut a hole in your railroad ticket?To let you pass through.
Why should a man troubled with gout make his will?Because he will then have his leg at ease (legatees).
What is that which no one wishes to have, yet no one wishes to lose?A bald head.
Why are fixed stars like wicked old men?Because they sin-till-late (scintillate).
Why are very old people necessarily prolix and tedious?Because they die late (dilate).
A lady asked a gentleman how old he was. He answered, "My age is what you do in everything—excel (XL)."
Why is a mirror like a dissatisfied and ungrateful friend?Because, though you maypositively load its back with silver, it will reflect on you.