Why is a butler like a mountain?Because he looks down on the valley (valet).
What is that which the fox has and the hare most wants?A brush.
What is the best way to keep a man's love?Not to return it.
Why is a wedding ring like eternity?Because it has no beginning and no end.
Why does a young lady prefer her mother's fortune to her father's?Because, though she likes patrimony, she still better likes matrimony.
Why is a deceptive woman like a seamstress?Because she is not what she seams (seems).
When does a man stand a good chance of being completely sewn up?When he has a stitch in his side.
Why does a dressmaker never lose her hooks?Because she has an eye to each of them.
What is the difference between a farmer and a seamstress?The farmer gathers whathe sows, while the seamstress sews what she gathers.
If we were going to kill a conversational goose, what vegetable would she allude to?Ah!-spare-a-goose! (asparagus).
What is the best thing to do to enjoy the happiness of courting?To get a little gal-an'-try (gallantry).
How is it that the affections of young ladies, notwithstanding that they may protest and vow constancy, are always doubtful?Because they are only miss givings (misgivings).
Why may a beggar wear a very short coat?Because it will be long enough before he gets another.
What part of a lion is a new-born infant like?His tail, because it was never seen before.
Why can you never expect a fishmonger to be generous?Because his business makes him sell-fish.
Why is a judge's nose like the middle of the earth?Because it's the center of gravity.
What is the gentlest kind of spur?A whisper.
Why should not soldiers meddle with nutcrackers?Because they make the shells burst on the kernel (colonel).
Why is a hammer like a general?It goes to the head, and settles the point of a tack (attack).
What is the best material for kites?Flypaper.
What two reasons are there why a young lady going to the altar is certainly going wrong?She is miss-taken and miss-led.
When does the tongue assume the functions of the teeth?When it back-bites.
What is a button?A small event that is always coming off.
What medicine ought to be given to misers?Anti-mony.
What was the cause of the potato rot?The rot-atory motion of the earth.
What is the end to which all like to come?A divid-end.
What is Hobson's choice?Mrs. Hobson.
Why should one never complain of the price of a car ticket?It is afarething.
Where does one see breakers ahead on land?In a railway station.
What is a heavy incidental expense?Having one's tooth filled.
What is the difference between forms and ceremonies?You sit upon one, and stand upon the other.
How do locomotives hear?Through their engin-eers.
What is the great motive for traveling?The loco-motive.
Why has a barber more than one life?Because he dyes (dies) very often.
How do you call the ship that carries more passengers than theOlympic?Courtship.
Why is a high rate of fare on a railroad like an overloaded gun?Because it is too much for a charge.
When is a United States soldier like a man with a ragged coat?When he is out under arms.
When is a beaver hat a wide-awake?When it has lost its nap.
Why can hotel boarders dine off the gong?Because "it is a-rousing dinner."
Why is a retired actor like an extortioner?Because he is an ex-actor.
Who has most need to pray to be delivered from temptation?An editor, for he is beset by the "devil."
How can an actress appear in two pieces on the same evening?Because she's taking a part (taken apart).
Why is a watch like the moon?Because it presents halves and quarters and reports time.
Why is any divorced man like a man playing at ten pins?Because he has to pay an alimony (an alley-money).
Why is a woman, when blindfolded, like an ignorant school teacher?Because her pupils are kept in the dark.
Why is a ball discharged in the air like an article for soldiers' comfort?Because it is a blank hit (blanket).
Why is an honest poor man like a dishonestbankrupt man?Because they both fail to become rich.
Why is a beautiful woman at her marriage festival like one on horseback?Because she holds a bridal reign (bridle rein).
Why are the men appointed to wind up the affairs of a bank whose treasurer has defaulted, as bad as the treasurer himself?Because the receiver is as bad as the thief.
Why do architects make excellent actors?Because they are good at drawing houses.
Why is a blush an anomaly?Because a woman who blushes is admired for her cheek.
Why is a steel-trap like the small-pox?Because it is catching.
Why do girls kiss each other, and men not?Because girls have nothing better to kiss, and men have.
If I kiss a lady by mistake, what weapon do I use?A blunderbuss.
Why would young ladies of the present day make good pugilists?Because they are eager to enter the ring at sixteen, andwilling to make a match with a man twice their own size any day.
When is a man a muff?When he holds a lady's hand without squeezing it.
When is a man a spoon?When he touches a lady's two lips without kissing them.
How would you measure a lover's sincerity?By his sighs (size).
When is music like vegetables?When there is two beats (beets) to a measure.
Why is theOutlooklike a man of fourscore?Because it's weekly.
Why is a false oath like a trial in the criminal court?Because it is per-jury.
Why are doctors always wicked men?Because the worse people are the more they are with them.
What sort of music should a girl sing whose voice is cracked and broken?Pieces.
What is better than an indifferent singer in a drawing room after dinner?A different one.
What animals always have gaiters on?Alligators.
What nation has always overcome in the end?Determination.
Why should you never sleep in a railway train?The train runs over sleepers.
What most frequently becomes a woman?A little girl.
What is an Englishman's notion of woman's mission?Sub-mission.
What remedy does an Irishman take for a scolding wife?He takes an e-lix-ir (he licks her).
What is the difference between a cloud of rain and a beaten child?One pours with rain, the other roars with pain.
What did the sunbeam say to the violet? "Wilt thou?"And she wilted.
What rose is "born to blush unseen"?Neg-roes.
What relation is a loaf of bread to a locomotive?The mother—bread being a necessity, a locomotive being an invention, and "Necessity is the mother of invention."
What is more moist than a young lady with a waterfall on her head, a cataract in her eye, a little lake on each cheek, high-tied shoes, and a crick in her back?A young lady with a notion (an ocean) in her head.
What is the best kind of agricultural fair?A farmer's very pretty daughter.
Why is a photograph like a member of Congress?Because it's a representative.
Why is a pelted actor like a pardoned criminal?Because he's glad to get off.
When is a bank note like iron?When it is forged.
Why is the sun like a good loaf?It is light when it rises.
Why may a dyspeptic hope for a long life?He can't die just (digest) now.
Why does a person who is ailing lose his sense of touch?Because he does not feel well.
If you were to swallow a man, what sort of man would you prefer?A little London porter.
Why should you never make love in thecountry?Because corn has ears, potatoes eyes, and the beans talk.
Why is an aged man like a deserted house?His gait (gate) is broken, and his locks are few.
What did a blind man take at breakfast which restored his sight?A cup and saucer (saw, sir!).
Which is the laziest plant, and which the most active?The creeper and the running vine.
Why is an autoist whose machine has been completely wrecked like a reformed autoist?Because he has suddenly given up motoring.
What does a hen do when she stands on one foot?Lifts up the other.
Why should the largest tree be near a church?There should be no bigger tree (bigotry) there.
Why is a stupid servant like a church bell?He has to be often told (tolled).
Why are sailors in a leaky vessel like dancing masters?They depend on their pumps.
Why does a duck go into water?For diver's (diverse) reasons.
Why does a duck come out of water?For sun-dry (sundry) reasons.
What is the difference between a duck with one wing and one with two?Merely a difference of a pinion (opinion).
Why wasn't Peary buried in New York?He isn't dead yet.
When is the wind like a woodchopper?When it cuts.
What makes the ocean get angry?It has been crossed so often.
What is the characteristic of a watch?Modesty, as it keeps its hands before its face, and runs down its own works.
When is a clock on the stairs dangerous?When it runs down.
Why is a girl like an arrow?Because she is sure to be in a quiver till her bow comes, and can't go off without one.
Why are teeth like verbs?Because they are regular, irregular, and defective.
What hands are those which work nightand day, yet never wear out; which, although they strike, do not stop?Clock hands.
What's the difference between a gardener and a billiard marker?One minds his peas, the other his cues.
What is that which denotes the state of mind and of the body?The tongue.
Why are books your best friends?Because, when they bore you, you can shut them up without giving offense.
Why, when you are out in a boat, should you never be surprised by a sudden squall?Because, if you go for a sale, you may expect to be sold.
Why is no country free?Because anybody is liable to be sold by auction whom it is possible for the auctioneer to take in.
Why, if a man has a gallery of paintings, may you pick his pockets?Because he has picked yours (pictures).
Why are pipes all humbugs?Because the best of them are but meer-shams.
Where can you find every word of your last interesting conversation with Missall written down, word for word?In the dictionary.
What is that which a cat has but no other animal?Kittens.
Why is an egg like a colt?Because it isn't fit for use until it's broken.
How is it guns can kick when they have no legs?They kick with their breeches.
Why is a sporting clergyman like a soldier who runs from battle?Because he departs from his sphere of action.
When is a soldier charitable?When he presents arms.
Why are cowardly soldiers like tallow candles?Because when they're exposed to the fire they run.
When may an army be said to be totally destroyed?When the soldiers are all in quarters.
Why is a defeated army like wool?Because it's worsted.
What sort of men are most aboveboard in their movements?Chessmen.
Why should good-natured people nevergo to small dancing parties?Because hops produce great bitterness.
What is tantalizing?Giving invitations only to teas.
Why is flirting like plate-powder?Because it brightens the spoons.
What is a kiss?A receipt given you by a lady on paying your addresses.
When are kisses sweetest?When sirup-titiously (surreptitiously) obtained.
Why are two young ladies kissing each other an emblem of Christianity?Because they are doing unto each other as they would men should do unto them.
Why is confessing to a father confessor like killing bees?Because you un-buzz-'em (unbosom).
When does a leopard change his spots?When he moves from one spot to another.
When an old woman in a scarlet cloak was crossing a field in which a goat was browsing, what took place?The goat turned to butter (butt her), and the old woman into a scarlet runner.
What is the most wonderful animal in the farmyard?A pig, for he is killed and then cured.
Why is an elephant's head different from every other head?Because if you cut his head off his body you do not take it from the trunk.
Which has most legs, a cow or no cow?No cow has eight legs.
What is the difference between the cradle and the grave?The one is for the first born, the other for the last bourn.
Why must a Yankee speculator be very subject to water on the brain?Because he always has an ocean (a notion) in his head.
What trees has fire no effect upon?Ashes, as when burned, they are ashes still.
If a tree were to break the panes of a window, what would they say?Tree, mend us (tremendous).
When is a charade like a fir-tree?When you get a deal bored from its length.
Why is a jeweler like a screeching singer?Because he pierces the ears.
Why is an old man's head like a song executed by an indifferent singer?Because it is often terribly bawled (bald).
Why is a piano like an onion?Because it's mell-odious (melodious).
What sort of medicine is most like a sick monkey?A pill (ape-ill).
When is a girl like a mirror?When she's a good-looking (g)lass.
What is the difference between some women and their looking-glasses?They talk without reflecting, and the mirrors reflect without talking.
What is the best way to prevent water coming into your house?Do not pay your water rates.
What do ladies look for when they go to church?The hymns (hims).
When may a man's coat-pocket be empty and yet have something in it?When it has a hole in it.
What is the difference between a sweep and a man in mourning?One is blacked with soot, and the other is suited with black.
What is the difference between killed soldiers and repaired garments?The former are dead men, the latter are mended (men dead).
Why does a salmon die before it lives?Because its existence is ova before it comes to life.
When is a schoolboy like a postage stamp?When he is licked and put in the corner to make him stick to his letters.
What is the difference between an engine-driver and a schoolmaster?One minds the train, the other trains the mind.
When is a member of Congress ferocious?When he inserts his claws (clause) into the Bill of another member.
What is the best description of "rapid consumption"?Bolting one's food.
Why does a fox-hound wag his tail?Because he is stronger than his tail, otherwise his tail would wag him.
Why is a gooseberry tart like a bad coin?Because it's not currant (current).
When is a blow from a lady welcome?When she strikes you agreeably.
When you give a lady a lock of your hair, what else does she receive from you at the same time?A key to your feelings.
Why is a pretty girl like a locomotive engine?Because she sends off the sparks, transports the mails, has a train following her, and passes over the plain.
What part of speech is kissing?A conjunction.
Why are there more marriages in winter than in summer?Because the men seek comforters, and the ladies seek muffs.
How do the young ladies show their dislike of mustaches?By setting their faces against them.
Why are young ladies bad grammarians?Because you seldom find one who can decline Matrimony.
Where is it that all women are equally beautiful?In the dark.
Why do girls like looking at the moon?Because there's a man in it.
Why is a prosy preacher like the middle of a wheel?Because the felloes around it are tired.
Why is the rudder of a steamboat like a hangman?It has a stern duty to perform.
What is the difference between a cat and a document?One has claws at the end of its paws, and the other has pauses at the end of its clauses.
What two beaus can every lady have near at hand?El-bows.
When is a man like a cannon-ball?When he looks round.
When does the House of Representatives present one of the most ludicrous spectacles?When its ayes (eyes) are on one side, and its noes (nose) on the other.
What three acts comprise the chief business of some women's lives?Attr-act, contr-act, detr-act.
Why does a donkey eat a thistle?Because he's an ass.
What is the difference between a donkey and a postage stamp?One you lick with a stick, the other you stick with a lick.
Why shouldn't you go to church if you have a cough?Because you will be sure to disturb therestof the congregation.
When is it dangerous to enter a church?When there is a canon in the reading desk, a great gun in the pulpit, and a bishop charges the congregation.
When is a rushlight like a tombstone?When it is put up for alatehusband.
Why are women like churches?Because there is no living without one; because there is many a-spire to them; and because they are objects of adoration.
Why is your thumb, when putting on a glove, like eternity?Because it's ever-last-in' (everlasting).
Why are kisses like creation?They are made of nothing, yet are very good.
Why is a ragged beggar like a clergyman near the end of his sermon?He's tor'd his clothes.
Why is a greenback more desirable than gold?When you put it in your pocket you double it and when you take it out you find it in creases.
Why is it dangerous to walk out in the spring?The grass is full of blades, the trees are shooting, every flower has a pistil, and the bull rushes out.
What is that which, although only four inches long and three inches wide, contains a solid foot?A shoe.
What is the difference between a physician and a magician?One is a cupper, the other a sorcerer.
What becomes of all the pins?They fall to the earth, and become terra-pins.
Why is a belle like a locomotive?She transports the mails.
Why is a Freshman like a telescope?He is easily drawn out, seen through, and shut up.
Why is a flea like a long winter?It makes a backward spring.
What is the smallest room in the world?The mush-room.
What is the largest room in the world?Room for improvement.
What is that which is above all human imperfections, and yet shelters the weakest and most depraved, as well as the best of men?A hat.
Why does a man permit himself to be henpecked?Because he's chicken-hearted.
Why would a compliment from a chicken be an insult?Because it would be in fowl language.
Why is an aristocratic seminary for young ladies like a flower garden?Because it's a place of haughty culture (horticulture).
Why are deaf people like India shawls?Because you can't make them here (hear).
What is that which belongs to yourself, yet is used by every one more than yourself?Your name.
What tongue is that which frequently hurts and grieves you, and yet does not speak a word?The tongue of your shoe.
When may a man be said to be personally involved?When he is wrapped up in himself.
What is most like a horse's foot?A mare's.
Why is a horse an anomaly in the hunting-field?Because the better tempered he is the easier he takes a fence (offense).
What is a dogma?An opinion laid down with a snarl.
Why is a turnpike like a dead dog's tail?Because it stops a waggin'.
When are handcuffs like knapsacks?When made for two-wrists (tourists).
What is the difference between a butterfly and a volcano?In one the lava comes out of the crater, in the other the "crater" comes out of the larva.
Why is a man riding swiftly up hill like one who presents a young lady with a young dog?He gives a gallop up (gal a pup).
Why is a love of the ocean like curiosity?It has sent many a boy to sea (see).
What is the best way to double a flock of sheep?Fold them.
Why are mortgages like burglars?They secure (seek your) money.
Why is a woman's thought like the telegraph?It is so much quicker than the mail (male) intelligence.
If you lose a dollar to-day, why would it be a good plan to lose another to-morrow?So as to make your loss a-gain.
What constitutes a weighty discourse?First to ann-ouncea text, then to ex-poundit.
What is disgusting to all but those who swallow it?Flattery.
Why is a lawyer like an honest man?He is a man of deeds as well as of words.
Why does a young man study law?To get on.
Why does he continue in the profession?To get honor.
Why does he leave the profession?To get honest.
What is the difference between fog and a falling star?One is a mist on earth, the other is missed in heaven.
Why is the present moment like skim-milk?It's scum (come).
Why is a four-quart measure like a sidesaddle?They both hold a gal(l)on.
How can you shoot one hundred and twenty hares at one shot?Fire at a wig.
Name that which, with only one eye put out, has but a nose left.Noise.
Why are laundresses good navigators?Because they are always crossing the line, and going from pole to pole.
What is that which if you name it even you break it?Silence.
What is that which you can keep even after giving it to somebody else?Your word.
What is that which the dead and the living do at the same time?Go round with the world.
What snuff-taker is that whose box gets fuller the more pinches he takes?The snuffers.
Why are your nose and chin constantly at variance?Because words are continually passing between them.
What is the smallest bridge in the world?The bridge of your nose.
Why is a Jew in a fever like the famous Koh-i-noor diamond?Because he's a Jew-ill.
Why is an undutiful son like one born deaf?Because your voice is lost upon him.
What is that which is put on the tableand cut, but never eaten?A pack of cards.
What fashionable game do frogs play at—besides leap-frog?Croaky (croquet).
What question is that to which you positively must answer yes?What does y-e-s spell?
What would a pig do if he wished to build himself a habitation?Tie a knot in his tail, and call it a pig's-tie (pig's sty).
If the before-mentioned porker wished to demolish the pig's sty he had built, what quotation would he make?"I could a tail (tale) unfold."
What is that which is white, black, and red all over, which shows some people to be green, and makes others look black and blue?A newspaper.
Why is a newspaper like an army?Because it has leaders, columns, and reviews.
What part of a lady's face in January is like a celebrated fur?Chin-chilly (chinchilla).
Why are suicides invariably successful people in the world?Because they always manage to accomplish their own ends.
Where is the cheapest place to buy poultry?At the State Bath House, where you can get a duck for a dime.
Why are the "blue devils" like muffins?Because they are both fancy bred (bread).
What makes more noise than a pig in a sty?Two pigs.
When would a farmer have the best opportunity for overlooking his pigs?When he has a sty in his eye.
What is lengthened by being cut at both ends?A ditch.
Why does a nobleman's title sometimes become extinct?Because, though the king can make a man appear (a peer), he can't make him apparent (a parent).
What gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor?A draft.
What is the worst kind of fare for a man to live on?Warfare.
Of what color are the winds and waves in a storm?The winds blew (blue) and the waters rose.
How does a ray of light get through a prism?It hews (hues) its way.
What would a bear want if he should get into a dry-goods store?Muslin (muzzling).
When does English butter become Irish butter?When it is made into littlePats.
Which is the most ancient of trees?The elder tree.
Which are the most seasonable clothes?Pepper and salt.
Why are lawyers and doctors safe people by whom to take example?Because they practice their professions.
Why is a fiddle like a man who gives money to make up a quarrel?Because it is for a-tone-ment.
Why is a good pun like a good cat?Because it requires pause (paws).
Why is a Jew's harp like a good dinner?Because it makes a man's mouth water.
Why is there a bad audience at the playhouse when the pit is full?Because it is a pitiful house.
Why is a fortified town like a pudding?Because it's often batter'd.
Why does a tallow chandler live betterthan another man?Because he lives on the fat of the land.
Why is a water lily like a whale?Because it comes to the surface to blow.
Why is a resolution like a looking glass?Because it is so easily broken.
Why can you never tell real hysterics from sham ones?Because in either case it is a feint (faint).
When may ladies who are enjoying themselves be said to look wretched?When at the opera, as then they are in tiers.
When is a bonnet not a bonnet?When it becomes a pretty woman.
Why is a vine like a soldier?Because it is 'listed, trained, has tendrils, and then shoots.
Why is a miserly uncle with whom you have quarreled like a person with a short memory?Because he is ever for-getting, and never for-giving.
Why are worn-out clothes like children without parents?Because they are left off'uns (orphans).
What is the difference between a milkmaidand a swallow?One skims the milk, the other the water.
Why is a very demure young lady like a tugboat?Because she pays no attention to the swells that follow her.
What smells most in a chemist's shop?The nose.
Who is your greatest friend?Your nose, because it will run for you till it drops.
Which travels faster, heat or cold?Heat, because you can easily catch cold.
What did the muffin say to the toasting fork?You're too pointed.
I am forever, yet was never.Eternity.
Which eat more grass, black sheep or white?White, because there are more of them.
Why is a very amusing man like a very bad shot?Because he keeps the game alive.
What is the height of folly?Spending your last shilling on a purse.
In what sort of family does the seventh night of the week come on the sixth?Inthat sort of family where Saturday is a bath night (is Sabbath night).
Why are clouds like coachmen?Because they hold the reins (rains).
On what supposition could a pocket handkerchief be used to build a house?If it became-brick (be cambric).
Why did the young lady return the dumb waiter?Because it didn't answer.
Why is a schoolboy being flogged like your eye?Because he's a pupil under the lash.
Why does a blow leave a blue mark?Because blow, when perfect, makes blew.
When has a man brown hands?When he's tand-'em driving.
Why is the leading horse in a wagon-team like the acceptor of a bill?Because he's the end horse, sir (endorser).
Why is a man marrying a second time likesal volatile?Because it's re-wiving.
When may a lady be absolutely pronounced to be quite past recovery?When she is speechless, and can only chatter with her teeth.
Why are ladies' eyes like persons separated by the Atlantic Ocean?Because, although they may correspond, they never meet.
What two ages often prove illusory?Mir-age and marri-age.
State the difference between a grocer selling a pound of sugar, and an apothecary's boy with a pestle and mortar.One weighs a pound, the other pounds away.
Why is gritty coffee like the Subway?It may be considered underground.
When can an Irish servant answer two questions at the same time?When she is asked, "What's o'clock, and where's the cold chicken?" if she replies, "Sure, it's ate."
Why would an owl be offended at your calling him a pheasant?Because you would be making game of him.
Why can a fish never be in the dark?Because of his parraffins (pair o' fins).
When is a candle like an ill-conditioned, quarrelsome man?When it is put out beforeit has had time to flare up and blaze away.
Why is love like a candle?Because the longer it burns the less it becomes.
What is the difference between a tight boot and an oak tree?One makes acorns, the other makes corns ache.
Why does the east wind never blow straight?Because it blows oblique (blows so bleak).
What is the difference between apremière danseuseand a duck?One goes quick on her beautiful legs, the other goes "quack" on her beautiful eggs.
What is the difference between a French pastry-cook and a billsticker?One puffs up paste, the other pastes up puffs.
Why is it vulgar to sing and play by yourself?Because it is so-lo.
When is a young lady like an acrobat?When she shows her sleight of hand by refusing you.
Why is one stall of a two-stall stable like a pretty girl?Because it is seldom let alone.
Why is the root of the tongue like a dejected man?Because it is down in the mouth.
What part of one's head is fit to eat?An ear o' rye (awry).
Why cannot you make a venison pasty of buck venison?Because the pasty must be made of dough (doe).
Why ought venison to be only half-cooked?Because what is done, cannot be helped.
Why do sailors working in brigs make bad servants?Because it is impossible for a man to serve two mast-ers well.
Why are plagiarists like seashore lodging-house keepers with newly married couples?Because they are accustomed to sea-side dears (seize ideas), and to make the most out of them that is possible.
What is Majesty deprived of its externals?A jest (M-ajest-y).
Why is a cracker like death?Because it is a debt o' natur' (detonator).
What is the greatest instance of cannibalismon record?When a rash man ate a rasher.
What tree bears the most fruit to market?The axle-tree.
How is it that trees can put on new dresses without "opening their trunks"?Because they leave out their summer clothing.
What is the difference between a potato and a soldier?One shoots from the eye, the other from the shoulder.
What is the difference between a beehive and a diseased potato?None at all; one is a bee-holder (beholder), the other a speck'd tatur (spectator).
What is the difference between a piece of honeycomb and a black eye?One is produced by a laboring bee, the other by a belaboring.
Why are country girls' cheeks like well-printed cottons?Because they are warranted to wash—and keep color.
Why are volunteers like old maids?Because they are always ready, but never wanted.
Why would young ladies make good volunteers?Because they are accustomed to bare arms.
What is the difference between love and war?One breaks hearts, the other heads.
What is the difference between a volunteer and an omelet?The difference is that one is equipped to go forth, the other is egg whipped to go froth.
Why is a black man necessarily a conjurer?Because he is a negro-man-sir (necromancer).
What is that which every one frequently holds yet rarely touches?His tongue.
What is a good way to make money fast?Put it in a safety deposit box.
Why is one who uses hair dye like a suicide?Because he dies by his own hand.
Why are frames put about tomato plants?To make the tomato ketchup (catch up).
Why should wire be used to train string beans?So that they may not be too stringy.
Why is a proposal like the first conviction for drunkenness?Because it is a short sentence which generally leads to a long one.
What kind of a pen does the plagiarist use?Steel.
If an uncle's sister is not your aunt, what relation does she bear to you?Your mother.
Of what profession is every child?A player.
Why is Troy weight like an unconscientious person?Because it has no scruples.
Which is heavier, the half or the full moon?The half, because the full moon is as light again.
Why must a fisherman be very wealthy?Because his is all net profit.
When is a boat like a heap of snow?When it is a-drift.
What 'bus has found room for the greatest number of people?Colum-bus.
Why is an alligator the most deceitful of animals?Because he shows an open countenance in the act of taking you in.
When may a man be said to be really over head and ears in debt?When he hasn't paid for his wig.
What is the difference between the Prince of Wales, an orphan, a bald-headed man, and a gorilla?The first is an heir apparent, the second has ne'er a parent, the third has no hair apparent, and the fourth has a hairy parent.
When does a son not take after his father?When his father leaves him nothing to take.
Why are poor relations like fits of the gout?Because the oftener they come the longer they stay.
Why is the game of Blindman's Buff like sympathy?Because it is a fellow feeling for another.
When could you eat a lady's hand?When it is a warm muff in.
Just state the difference between an auction and sea-sickness.One is a sale of effects, the other the effects of a sail.
Why does a man who has been all his life a woodcutter, never come home to dinner?Because he's not only bred (bread) there, but he's always a chop in (a-choppin') the wood.
What is the difference between a soldier and a fisherman?One bayonets, the other nets a bay.
What musical instrument invites you to fish?Cast-a-net (castanet).
What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy schoolboy?One baits his hook, the other hates his book.
What words may be pronounced quicker and shorter by adding syllables to them?Quick and short.
What is the worth of a woman?Double you, O man (w-o-man).
Why is a kiss like a rumor?Because it goes from mouth to mouth.
What shape is a kiss?A-lip-tickle (elliptical).
What becomes every woman?A blush.
Why are three couples going to be married like penny trumpets?Because they go two-two-two.
What is that which fastens two people together, yet touches only one?The wedding-ring.
What is a ring?A hole with a rim around it.
What grows bigger the more you contract it?Debt.
Why is a spendthrift, with regard to his fortune, like the water in a filter?Because he soon runs through it, and leaves many matters behind to settle.
Why are birds melancholy in the morning?Because their little bills are all over dew (overdue).
What is the difference between a last will and testament and a man who has eaten as much as he can?One is signed and dated, and the other is dined and sated.
What is the greatest feat, in the eating way, ever known?That recorded of a man who commenced by bolting a door, after which he threw up a window, and then sat down and swallowed a whole story.
How should love come to the door?With a ring.
If a mercenary man were to ask a girl to marry, what flower would he name?Any money (anemone).
When may two people be said to be half-witted?When there is an understanding between them.
Why is the science of self-defense like low tide?It develops the muscles.
Why should a teetotaler never take a wife?He will not sup-porter (support her).
Why should free seats at church be abolished?They make people good for nothing.
What relation is the door-mat to the threshold?A step-father (farther).
When is love deformed?When it is all on one side.
Where have you the most extended view?In a hop-garden, for then you see from pole to pole.
What burns to keep a secret?Sealing wax.
Plant the setting sun, and what will come up?The morning glory.
Why is a dog with a lame leg like a boy ciphering?He puts down three and carries one.
Why are eyes like stage-horses?They are always under the lash.
What is the brightest idea of the day?Your eye, dear.
Why are ladies bathing like a Yankee drink?They are 'lasses in water.
Of what color is grass under snow?Invisible green.
What is the hardest conundrum?Life, because we all have to give it up.
What is that which is often given you, which you never have, yet which you often give up?A conundrum.
What kin is that child to his own father who is not his own father's son?His daughter.
If Dick's father is Tom's son, what relation is Dick to Tom?Tom is his grandfather.
When does a man sneeze three times?When he cannot help it.
Why does a piebald pony never pay toll?Because his master pays it for him.
When may a man be said to have four hands?When he doubles his fists.
What goes over the water and under the water, but never touches the water?A woman crossing a bridge with a pail of water on her head.
How many peas in a pint?One.
When is a soldier like a watch?When he is on guard.
How is a poultry dealer compelled to earn his living?By fowl means.
Why is a butcher's cart like his top boots?Because he carries his calves there.
Why does a cat rest better in summer?Because summer brings a cat-a-pillow (caterpillar).
What is it that every man overlooks?His nose.
Why should potatoes grow better than any other vegetable?Because they have eyes to see what they are doing.
What were the last words of the bugler who was gored by the bull?"Blow the horns!"
Why are lawyers like shears?Because they do not cut each other, but only what comes between them.
What have feet and walk not?Stoves.
What have eyes and see not?Potatoes.
What have noses but smell not?Teapots.
What have hands but work not?Clocks.
What have mouths but eat not?Rivers.
What have ears but hear not?Cornstalks.
What have tongues but talk not?Wagons.
Why do we all go to bed?Because the bed will not come to us.
What is higher and handsomer when the head is off?A pillow.
What is the best thing to make in a hurry?Haste.
Why do dentists make good politicians?Because they have a great pull.
If a tailor and a goose are on the top of a monument, what is the quickest way forthe tailor to get down?Pluck the goose.
If I walk into a room full of people and place a new penny upon the table in full view of the company, what does the coin do?It looks round.
Why is a mouse like hay?Because the cat'll eat it (cattle).
Why is a madman equal to two men?Because he is one beside himself.
Which member of Congress wears the largest hat?The one who has the largest head.
When does a pig become landed property?When he is turned into a meadow.
What is the difference between a cow and a rickety chair?One gives milk and the other gives whey (way).
What flower most resembles a bull's mouth?The cowslip.
When is a lady deformed?When mending stockings; because she then has her hands where her feet ought to be.
Why is the proprietor of a balloon like a phantom?Because he's an airy-nought (aëronaut).
Why do little birds in their nests agree?For fear of falling out.
Why is the flight of an eagle a most unpleasant sight to witness?Because it's an eye-sore ('igh soar).
What impermeable fabric is a sparrow like?Gutter percher (gutta percha).
Which of the feathered tribe can lift the heaviest weights?The crane.
Why does the rope dancer invariably have to repeat his performances?Because they are always on cord (encored).
What is the difference between a widow and a window?Little ifn-y; for the trans-parents griefs of the one, like the panes of the other, are removed in course of re-pairing; and the latter is for mankind to look out of, while the former looks out for mankind.
When may a loaf of bread be said to be inhabited?When it has a little Indian in it.
What part of a fish weighs most?The scales.
What is that which works when it plays and plays when it works?A fountain.
Why is divinity the easiest of the three learned professions?Because it is easier to preach than to practice.
Why are sailors bad horsemen?Because they ride on the main (mane).
Why is a sword belt like a cow upon a common?Because it goes round the waste (waist).
Why is a thief like a knocker?Because they are tied up to prevent disturbance.
What's the difference between a bee and a donkey?One gets all the honey, and the other all the whacks (wax).
Why is sealing wax like a rifleman?Because it's often under arms.
Why are cripples and beggars similar to shepherds and fishermen?Because they live by hook and by crook.
What is that which has four legs and flies in the air?Two canary birds.
What is the only pain of which every one makes light?A window pane.
Why is a smith a dangerous companion?Because he deals in forgery.
Why are coals like poor laboring men?Because they feed the great.
Why is an honest friend like orange chips?Because he's candid.
Why is a peach-stone like a regiment?Because it has a colonel (kernel).
Why is a playhouse like a punch bowl?Because it is best when full.
What is the principal part of a horse?The mane (main) part.
Why is a candle like an atheist?Because it's wicked.
Why is a dog like a tree?Because they both produce a bark.
What barrel is best fitted for a soldier's helmet?A cask (casque).
Why is it no offense to conspire in the evening?What is treasonable is reasonable aftert.
Why is a corpse like a man with a cold?Because he is in a-coughing.
Why is a fiddler like a man in amaze?Because he's at a stand.
What part of a fish is like the end of a book?The fin-is.
What language should a linguist end with?The Finnish.
What sea is most traveled by clever intellectual people?Brilliancy.
What is the difference between a butcher and a flirt?One kills to dress, the other dresses to kill.
Why is marriage with a deceased wife's sister like the wedding of two fish?Because it's a-finny-tie (affinity).
A man bought two fishes, but on taking them home found he had three; how was this?He had two—and one smelt.
If the poker, shovel, and tongs cost five dollars, what would a ton of coal come to?To ashes.
Why is a blacksmith the most dissatisfied of all mechanics?Because he's always on the strike for wages.
Why is selling off bankrupt goods like preparing a dish of soup?Because it is a liquidation of stock.
Why is a wide-awake so called?Becauseit never had a nap, and never wants one.
What is the difference between a young lady and a wide-awake hat?One has feeling, the other is felt.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?Hailing street cars.
What is the oldest lunatic on record?Time out of mind.
How can you make one pound of green tea go as far as five pounds of black?Buy the above quantities in Boston, and send them down to New York.
Why is a patent safety Hansom cab a dangerous carriage to drive in?Because the cabman always drives over your head.
Why is whispering in company like a forged bank note?Because it is uttered but not allowed.
Which constellation resembles an empty fireplace?The Great Bear.
What is the last remedy for a smoky chimney?Putting the fire out.
Why is a clever wit like a chemist?Because he has many a good retort.
Why is a bankrupt husband an ardent lover?Because his is unremitting affection.
What is the difference between a spendthrift and a feather bed?One is hard up and the other soft down.
What comes after cheese?Mouse.
Why is a mouse entering a mouse trap like a diplomat arguing his policy?Because each has a well-defined end in view.
When may a man be said to breakfast before he gets up?When he takes a roll in bed.
When are volunteers not volunteers?When they are mustered (mustard).
Which is the merriest sauce?Caper sauce.
Why is a cat going up three pairs of stairs like a high hill?Because she's a-mounting (a mountain).
Why is a lead pencil like a perverse child?Because it never does write (right) by itself.
Why are wooden ships, as compared with ironclads, of the female sex?Because they are the weaker vessels.
At what time of life may a man be said to belong to the vegetable kingdom?When long experience has made him sage.
When is a sailor not a sailor?When he is aloft.
What wild animals may be correctly shut up in one enclosure?Twelve ounces in one pound.