ACT THE FOURTH

Old Mirabel'sHouse.EnterOldandYoung Mirabel,meeting.

Old Mir.Bob, come hither, Bob.Y. Mir.Your pleasure, sir?Old Mir.Are not you a great rogue, sirrah?Y. Mir.That's a little out of my comprehension, sir; for I've heard say, that I resemble my father.Old Mir.Your father is your very humble slave—I tell thee what, child, thou art a very pretty fellow, and I love thee heartily; and a very great villain, and I hate thee mortally.Y. Mir.Villain, sir! Then I must be a very impudent one; for I can't recollect any passage of my life that I'm ashamed of.Old Mir.Come hither, my dear friend; dost see this picture?[Shows him a little Picture.Y. Mir.Oriana's? Pshaw!Old Mir.What, sir, won't you look upon't?—Bob, dear Bob, pr'ythee come hither now—Dost want any money, child?Y. Mir.No, sir.Old Mir.Why, then, here's some for thee: come here now—How canst thou be so hard-hearted, an unnatural, unmannerly rascal, (don't mistake me, child, I a'n't angry) as to abuse this tender, lovely, good-natured, dear rogue?—Why, she sighs for thee, and cries for thee, pouts for thee, and snubs for thee; the poor little heart of it is like to burst——Come, my dear boy, be good-natured, like your own father; be now—and then, see here, read this——the effigies of the lovely Oriana, with thirty thousand pound to her portion—thirty thousand pound, you dog! thirty thousand pound, you rogue! how dare you refuse a lady with thirty thousand pound, you impudent rascal?Y. Mir.Will you hear me speak, sir?Old Mir.Hear you speak, sir! If you had thirty thousand tongues, you could not out-talk thirty thousand pound, sir.Y. Mir.Nay, sir, if you won't hear me, I'll begone, sir! I'll take post for Italy this moment.Old Mir.Ah, the fellow knows I won't part with him! Well, sir, what have you to say?Y. Mir.The universal reception, sir, that marriage has had in the world, is enough to fix it for a public good, and to draw every body into the common cause; but there are some constitutions, like some instruments, so peculiarly singular, that they make tolerable music by themselves, but never do well in a concert.Old Mir.Why, this is reason, I must confess, but yet it is nonsense too; for, though you should reason like an angel, if you argue yourself out of a good estate, you talk like a fool.Y. Mir.But, sir, if you bribe me into bondage with the riches of Crœsus, you leave me but a beggar, for want of my liberty.Old Mir.Was ever such a perverse fool heard? 'Sdeath, sir! why did I give you education? was it to dispute me out of my senses? Of what colour, now, is the head of this cane? You'll say, 'tis white, and, ten to one, make me believe it too——I thought that young fellows studied to get money.Y. Mir.No, sir, I have studied to despise it; my reading was not to make me rich, but happy, sir.Old Mir.There he has me again, now! But, sir, did not I marry to oblige you?Y. Mir.To oblige me, sir! in what respect, pray?Old Mir.Why, to bring you into the world, sir; wa'n't that an obligation?Y. Mir.And, because I would have it still an obligation, I avoid marriage.Old Mir.How is that, sir?Y. Mir.Because I would not curse the hour I was born.Old Mir.Lookye, friend, you may persuade me out of my designs, but I'll command you out of yours; and, though you may convince my reason that you are in the right, yet there is an old attendant of sixty-three, called positiveness, which you, nor all the wits in Italy, shall ever be able to shake: so, sir, you're a wit, and I'm a father: you may talk, but I'll be obeyed.Y. Mir.This it is to have the son a finer gentleman than the father; they first give us breeding, that they don't understand; then they turn us out of doors, because we are wiser than themselves. But I'm a little aforehand with the old gentleman. [Aside.] Sir, you have been pleased to settle a thousand pound sterling a year upon me; in return of which, I have a very great honour for you and your family, and shall take care that your only and beloved son shall do nothing to make him hate his father, or to hang himself. So, dear sir, I'm your very humble servant.[Runs off.Old Mir.Here, sirrah! rogue! Bob! villain!EnterDugard.Dug.Ah, sir! 'tis but what he deserves.Old Mir.'Tis false, sir! he don't deserve it: what have you to say against my boy, sir?Dug.I shall only repeat your own words.Old Mir.What have you to do with my words? I have swallowed my words already; I have eaten them up.—I say, that Bob's an honest fellow, and who dares deny it?EnterBisarre.Bis.That dare I, sir:—I say, that your son is a wild, foppish, whimsical, impertinent coxcomb; and, were I abused, as this gentleman's sister is, I would make it an Italian quarrel, and poison the whole family.Dug.Come, sir, 'tis no time for trifling: my sister is abused; you are made sensible of the affront, and your honour is concerned to see her redressed.Old Mir.Lookye, Mr. Dugard, good words go farthest. I will do your sister justice, but it must be after my own rate; nobody must abuse my son but myself; for, although Robin be a sad dog, yet he's nobody's puppy but my own.Bis.Ay, that's my sweet-natured, kind, old gentleman—[Wheedling him.] We will be good, then, if you'll join with us in the plot.Old Mir.Ah, you coaxing young baggage! what plot can you have to wheedle a fellow of sixty-three?Bis.A plot that sixty-three is only good for; to bring other people together, sir. You must act the Spaniard, because your son will least suspect you; and, if he should, your authority protects you from a quarrel, to which Oriana is unwilling to expose her brother.Old Mir.And what part will you act in the business, madam?Bis.Myself, sir; my friend is grown a perfect changeling: these foolish hearts of ours spoil our heads presently; the fellows no sooner turn knaves, but we turn fools: but I am still myself, and he may expect the most severe usage from me, because I neither love him, nor hate him.[Exit.Old Mir.Well said, Mrs. Paradox! but, sir, who must open the matter to him?Dug.Petit, sir; who is our engineer general; and here he comes.EnterPetit.Petit.O, sir, more discoveries! are all friends about us?Dug.Ay, ay, speak freely.Petit.You must know, sir,——od's my life, I'm out of breath! you must know, sir,—you must know—Old Mir.What the devil must we know, sir?Petit.That I have [Pants and blows.] bribed, sir, bribed—your son's secretary of state.Old Mir.Secretary of state!—who's that, for Heaven's sake?Petit.His valet de chambre, sir? You must know, sir, that the intrigue lay folded up in his master's clothes; and, when he went to dust the embroidered suit, the secret flew out of the right pocket of his coat, in a whole swarm of your crambo songs, short-footed odes, and long-legged pindarics.Old Mir.Impossible!Petit.Ah, sir, he has loved her all along; there was Oriana in every line, but he hates marriage. Now, sir, this plot will stir up his jealousy, and we shall know, by the strength of that, how to proceed farther.Come, sir, let's about it with speed:'Tis expedition gives our king the sway;For expedition to the French give way;Swift to attack, or swift—to run away.[Exeunt.EnterYoung MirabelandBisarre,passingcarelessly by one another.Bis.[Aside.] I wonder what she can see in this fellow, to like him?Y. Mir.[Aside.] I wonder what my friend can see in this girl, to admire her?Bis.[Aside.] A wild, foppish, extravagant, rake-hell!Y. Mir.[Aside.] A light, whimsical, impertinent, madcap!Bis.Whom do you mean, sir?Y. Mir.Whom do you mean, madam?Bis.A fellow, that has nothing left to re-establish him for a human creature, but a prudent resolution to hang himself!Y. Mir.There is a way, madam, to force me to that resolution.Bis.I'll do it, with all my heart.Y. Mir.Then you must marry me.Bis.Lookye, sir, don't think your ill manners to me, shall excuse your ill usage of my friend; nor, by fixing a quarrel here, to divert my zeal for the absent; for I'm resolved, nay, I come prepared, to make you a panegyric, that shall mortify your pride, like any modern dedication.Y. Mir.And I, madam, like a true modern patron, shall hardly give you thanks for your trouble.Bis.Come, sir, to let you see what little foundation you have for your dear sufficiency, I'll take you to pieces.Y. Mir.And what piece will you chuse?Bis.Your heart, to be sure; because I should get presently rid on't: your courage I would give to a Hector, your wit to a lewd playmaker, your honour to an attorney, your body to the physicians, and your soul to its master.Y. Mir.I had the oddest dream last night of the Duchess of Burgundy; methought the furbelows of her gown were pinned up so high behind, that I could not see her head for her tail.Bis.The creature don't mind me! do you think, sir, that your humorous impertinence can divert me? No, sir, I'm above any pleasure that you can give, but that of seeing you miserable. And mark me, sir, my friend, my injured friend, shall yet be doubly happy, and you shall be a husband, as much as the rites of marriage, and the breach of them, can make you.[HereMirabelpulls out a Virgil, and readsto himself, while she speaks.Mir.[Reading.]At Regina dolos, (quis fallere possit amantem?)Dissimulare etiam sperásti perfide tantum—Very true.Posse nefas.By your favour, friend Virgil, 'twas but a rascally trick of your hero, to forsake poor pug so inhumanly.Bis.I don't know what to say to him. The devil——what's Virgil to us, sir?Mir.Very much, madam; the most apropos in the world—for, what should I chop upon, but the very place where the perjured rogue of a lover, and the forsaken lady, are battling it tooth and nail! Come, madam, spend your spirits no longer; we'll take an easier method: I'll be Æneas now, and you shall be Dido, and we'll rail by book. Now for you, Madam Dido:Nec te noster amor, nec te data dextera quondam,Nec Meritura tenet crudeli funere Dido——Ah, poor Dido![Looking at her.Bis.Rudeness! affronts! impatience! I could almost start out, even to manhood, and want but a weapon, as long as his, to fight him upon the spot. What shall I say?Mir.Now she rants.Quæ quibus anteferam? jam jam nec Maxima Juno.Bis.A man! No, the woman's birth was spirited away.Mir.Right, right, madam, the very words.Bis.And some pernicious elf left in the cradle, with human shape, to palliate growing mischief.[Both speak together, and raise their Voices byDegrees.Mir.Perfide, sed duris genuit te Cautibus horrensCaucasus, Hyrcanæque admorunt Ubera Tigres.Bis.Go, sir, fly to your midnight revels——Mir.Excellent!I sequere Italiam ventis, pete regna per undas,Spero equidem mediis, si quid pia Numina possunt.[Together again.Bis.Converse with imps of darkness of your make; your nature starts at justice, and shivers at the touch of virtue.—Now, the devil take his impudence! He vexes me so, I don't know whether to cry or laugh at him.Mir.Bravely performed, my dear Libyan! I'll write the tragedy of Dido, and you shall act the part; but you do nothing at all, unless you fret yourself into a fit; for here the poor lady is stifled with vapours, drops into the arms of her maids, and the cruel, barbarous, deceitful, wanderer, is, in the very next line, called pious Æneas.—There's authority for ye.Sorry indeed Æneas stood,To see her in a pout;But Jove himself, who ne'er thought goodTo stay a second bout,Commands him off, with all his crew,And leaves poor Dy, as I leave you.[Runs off.Bis.Go thy ways, for a dear, mad, deceitful, agreeable fellow! O' my conscience, I must excuse Oriana.That lover soon his angry fair disarms,Whose slighting pleases, and whose faults are charms.[Exit.EnterPetit;runs about to every Door, and knocks.Petit.Mr. Mirabel! Sir, where are you? no where to be found?EnterYoung Mirabel.Y. Mir.What's the matter, Petit?Petit.Most critically met!—Ah, sir, that one who has followed the game so long, and brought the poor hare just under his paws, should let a mungrel cur chop in, and run away with the puss!Y. Mir.If your worship can get out of your allegories, be pleased to tell me, in three words, what you mean.Petit.Plain, plain, sir! Your mistress and mine is going to be married!Y. Mir.I believe you lie, sir.Petit.Your humble servant, sir.[Going.Y. Mir.Come hither, Petit. Married, say you?Petit.No, sir, 'tis no matter: I only thought to do you a service; but I shall take care how I confer my favours for the future.Y. Mir.Sir, I beg ten thousand pardons.[Bowing low.Petit.'Tis enough, sir.—I come to tell you, sir, that Oriana is this moment to be sacrificed; married past redemption!Y. Mir.I understand her; she'll take a husband, out of spite to me, and then, out of love to me, she will make him a cuckold! But who is the happy man?Petit.A lord, sir.Y. Mir.I'm her ladyship's most humble servant. Now must I be a constant attender at my lord's levee, to work my way to my lady's couchee——A countess, I presume, sir——Petit.A Spanish count, sir, that Mr. Dugard knew abroad, is come to Paris, saw your mistress yesterday, marries her to-day, and whips her into Spain to-morrow.Y. Mir.Ay, is it so? and must I follow my cuckold over the Pyrenees? Had she married within the precincts of a billet-doux, I would be the man to lead her to church; but, as it happens, I'll forbid the banns! Where is this mighty don?Petit.Have a care, sir; he's a rough cross-grained piece, and there's no tampering with him. Would you apply to Mr. Dugard, or the lady herself, something might be done, for it is in despite to you, that the business is carried so hastily. Odso, sir, here he comes! I must be gone.[Exit.EnterOld Mirabel,dressed in a Spanish Habit,leadingOriana.Oriana.Good my lord, a nobler choice had better suited your lordship's merit. My person, rank, and circumstance, expose me as the public theme of raillery, and subject me so to injurious usage, my lord, that I can lay no claim to any part of your regard, except your pity.Old Mir.Breathes he vital air, that dares presume,With rude behaviour, to profane such excellence?Show me the man——And you shall see how my sudden revengeShall fall upon the head of such presumption.Is this thing one?[Strutting up toYoung Mirabel.Y. Mir.Sir!Oriana.Good my lord.Old Mir.If he, or any he!Oriana.Pray, my lord, the gentleman's a stranger.Old Mir.O, your pardon, sir,—but if you had—remember, sir,—the lady now is mine, her injuries are mine; therefore, sir, you understand me——Come, madam.[LeadsOrianato the Door; she goes off;Young Mirabelruns to his Father, andpulls him by the Sleeve.Y. Mir.Ecoute, Monsieur le Count.Old Mir.Your business, sir?Y. Mir.Boh!Old Mir.Boh! what language is that, sir?Y. Mir.Spanish, my lord.Old Mir.What d'ye mean?Y. Mir.This, sir.[Trips up his Heels.Old Mir.A very concise quarrel, truly——I'll bully him.—Trinidade Seigneur, give me fair play.[Offering to rise.Y. Mir.By all means, sir. [Takes away his Sword.] Now, seigneur, where's that bombast look, and fustian face, your countship wore just now?[Strikes him.Old Mir.The rogue quarrels well, very well; my own son right!—But hold, sirrah, no more jesting; I'm your father, sir! your father!Y. Mir.My father! Then, by this light, I could find in my heart to pay thee. [Aside.] Is the fellow mad? Why, sure, sir, I han't frighted you out of your senses?Old Mir.But you have, sir!Y. Mir.Then I'll beat them into you again.[Offers to strike him.Old Mir.Why, rogue!—Bob! dear Bob! don't you know me, child?Y. Mir.Ha! ha! ha! the fellow's downright distracted! Thou miracle of impudence! wouldst thou make me believe, that such a grave gentleman as my father would go a masquerading thus? That a person of threescore and three would run about, in a fool's coat, to disgrace himself and family? why, you impudent villain, do you think I will suffer such an affront to pass upon my honoured father, my worthy father, my dear father? 'Sdeath, sir! mention my father but once again, and I'll send your soul to thy grandfather this minute![Offering to stab him.Old Mir.Well, well, I am not your father.Y. Mir.Why, then, sir, you are the saucy, hectoring Spaniard, and I'll use you accordingly.EnterDugard, Oriana, Maid,andPetit.Dugardruns toYoung Mirabel,the rest to theOld Gentleman.Dug.Fie, fie, Mirabel! murder your father!Y. Mir.My father? What, is the whole family mad? Give me way, sir, I won't be held.Old Mir.No? nor I neither; let me begone, pray.[Offering to go.Y. Mir.My father!Old Mir.Ay, you dog's face! I am your father, for I have borne as much for thee, as your mother ever did.Y. Mir.O ho! then this was a trick, it seems, a design, a contrivance, a stratagem!—Oh, how my bones ache!Old Mir.Your bones, sirrah! why yours?Y. Mir.Why sir, han't Ibeenbeating my own flesh and blood all this while? O, madam, [ToOriana.] I wish your ladyship joy of your new dignity. Here was a contrivance indeed!Oriana.Pray, sir, don't insult the misfortunes of your own creating.Dug.My prudence will be counted cowardice, if I stand tamely now.—[Comes up betweenYoung Mirabeland his Sister.] Well, sir!Y. Mir.Well, sir! Do you take me for one of your tenants, sir, that you put on your landlord's face at me?Dug.On what presumption, sir, dare you assume thus?[Draws.Old Mir.What's that to you, sir?[Draws.Petit.Help! help! the lady faints![Orianafalls into her Maid's Arms.Y. Mir.Vapours! vapours! she'll come to herself: If it be an angry fit, a dram of assa fœtida—If jealousy, hartshorn in water—if the mother, burnt feathers—If grief, ratafia—If it be straight stays, or corns, there's nothing like a dram of plain brandy.[Exit.Oriana.Hold off, give me air——O, my brother! would you preserve my life, endanger not your own; would you defend my reputation, leave it to itself; 'tis a dear vindication that's purchased by the sword; for, though our champion proves victorious, yet our honour is wounded.Old Mir.Ay, and your lover may be wounded, that's another thing. But I think you are pretty brisk again, my child.Oriana.Ay, sir, my indisposition was only a pretence to divert the quarrel; the capricious taste of your sex, excuses this artifice in ours.[Exit.Petit.Come, Mr. Dugard, take courage; there is a way still left to fetch him again.Old Mir.Sir, I'll have no plot that has any relation to Spain.Dug.I scorn all artifice whatsoever; my sword shall do her justice.Petit.Pretty justice, truly! Suppose you run him through the body, you run her through the heart at the same time.Old Mir.And me through the head—rot your sword, sir, we'll have plots! Come, Petit, let's hear.Petit.What if she pretended to go into a nunnery, and so bring him about to declare himself?Dug.That, I must confess, has a face.Old Mir.A face! a face like an angel, sir! Ad's my life, sir, 'tis the most beautiful plot in Christendom! We'll about it immediately.[Exeunt.

Old Mir.Bob, come hither, Bob.

Y. Mir.Your pleasure, sir?

Old Mir.Are not you a great rogue, sirrah?

Y. Mir.That's a little out of my comprehension, sir; for I've heard say, that I resemble my father.

Old Mir.Your father is your very humble slave—I tell thee what, child, thou art a very pretty fellow, and I love thee heartily; and a very great villain, and I hate thee mortally.

Y. Mir.Villain, sir! Then I must be a very impudent one; for I can't recollect any passage of my life that I'm ashamed of.

Old Mir.Come hither, my dear friend; dost see this picture?

[Shows him a little Picture.

Y. Mir.Oriana's? Pshaw!

Old Mir.What, sir, won't you look upon't?—Bob, dear Bob, pr'ythee come hither now—Dost want any money, child?

Y. Mir.No, sir.

Old Mir.Why, then, here's some for thee: come here now—How canst thou be so hard-hearted, an unnatural, unmannerly rascal, (don't mistake me, child, I a'n't angry) as to abuse this tender, lovely, good-natured, dear rogue?—Why, she sighs for thee, and cries for thee, pouts for thee, and snubs for thee; the poor little heart of it is like to burst——Come, my dear boy, be good-natured, like your own father; be now—and then, see here, read this——the effigies of the lovely Oriana, with thirty thousand pound to her portion—thirty thousand pound, you dog! thirty thousand pound, you rogue! how dare you refuse a lady with thirty thousand pound, you impudent rascal?

Y. Mir.Will you hear me speak, sir?

Old Mir.Hear you speak, sir! If you had thirty thousand tongues, you could not out-talk thirty thousand pound, sir.

Y. Mir.Nay, sir, if you won't hear me, I'll begone, sir! I'll take post for Italy this moment.

Old Mir.Ah, the fellow knows I won't part with him! Well, sir, what have you to say?

Y. Mir.The universal reception, sir, that marriage has had in the world, is enough to fix it for a public good, and to draw every body into the common cause; but there are some constitutions, like some instruments, so peculiarly singular, that they make tolerable music by themselves, but never do well in a concert.

Old Mir.Why, this is reason, I must confess, but yet it is nonsense too; for, though you should reason like an angel, if you argue yourself out of a good estate, you talk like a fool.

Y. Mir.But, sir, if you bribe me into bondage with the riches of Crœsus, you leave me but a beggar, for want of my liberty.

Old Mir.Was ever such a perverse fool heard? 'Sdeath, sir! why did I give you education? was it to dispute me out of my senses? Of what colour, now, is the head of this cane? You'll say, 'tis white, and, ten to one, make me believe it too——I thought that young fellows studied to get money.

Y. Mir.No, sir, I have studied to despise it; my reading was not to make me rich, but happy, sir.

Old Mir.There he has me again, now! But, sir, did not I marry to oblige you?

Y. Mir.To oblige me, sir! in what respect, pray?

Old Mir.Why, to bring you into the world, sir; wa'n't that an obligation?

Y. Mir.And, because I would have it still an obligation, I avoid marriage.

Old Mir.How is that, sir?

Y. Mir.Because I would not curse the hour I was born.

Old Mir.Lookye, friend, you may persuade me out of my designs, but I'll command you out of yours; and, though you may convince my reason that you are in the right, yet there is an old attendant of sixty-three, called positiveness, which you, nor all the wits in Italy, shall ever be able to shake: so, sir, you're a wit, and I'm a father: you may talk, but I'll be obeyed.

Y. Mir.This it is to have the son a finer gentleman than the father; they first give us breeding, that they don't understand; then they turn us out of doors, because we are wiser than themselves. But I'm a little aforehand with the old gentleman. [Aside.] Sir, you have been pleased to settle a thousand pound sterling a year upon me; in return of which, I have a very great honour for you and your family, and shall take care that your only and beloved son shall do nothing to make him hate his father, or to hang himself. So, dear sir, I'm your very humble servant.[Runs off.

Old Mir.Here, sirrah! rogue! Bob! villain!

EnterDugard.

Dug.Ah, sir! 'tis but what he deserves.

Old Mir.'Tis false, sir! he don't deserve it: what have you to say against my boy, sir?

Dug.I shall only repeat your own words.

Old Mir.What have you to do with my words? I have swallowed my words already; I have eaten them up.—I say, that Bob's an honest fellow, and who dares deny it?

EnterBisarre.

Bis.That dare I, sir:—I say, that your son is a wild, foppish, whimsical, impertinent coxcomb; and, were I abused, as this gentleman's sister is, I would make it an Italian quarrel, and poison the whole family.

Dug.Come, sir, 'tis no time for trifling: my sister is abused; you are made sensible of the affront, and your honour is concerned to see her redressed.

Old Mir.Lookye, Mr. Dugard, good words go farthest. I will do your sister justice, but it must be after my own rate; nobody must abuse my son but myself; for, although Robin be a sad dog, yet he's nobody's puppy but my own.

Bis.Ay, that's my sweet-natured, kind, old gentleman—[Wheedling him.] We will be good, then, if you'll join with us in the plot.

Old Mir.Ah, you coaxing young baggage! what plot can you have to wheedle a fellow of sixty-three?

Bis.A plot that sixty-three is only good for; to bring other people together, sir. You must act the Spaniard, because your son will least suspect you; and, if he should, your authority protects you from a quarrel, to which Oriana is unwilling to expose her brother.

Old Mir.And what part will you act in the business, madam?

Bis.Myself, sir; my friend is grown a perfect changeling: these foolish hearts of ours spoil our heads presently; the fellows no sooner turn knaves, but we turn fools: but I am still myself, and he may expect the most severe usage from me, because I neither love him, nor hate him.[Exit.

Old Mir.Well said, Mrs. Paradox! but, sir, who must open the matter to him?

Dug.Petit, sir; who is our engineer general; and here he comes.

EnterPetit.

Petit.O, sir, more discoveries! are all friends about us?

Dug.Ay, ay, speak freely.

Petit.You must know, sir,——od's my life, I'm out of breath! you must know, sir,—you must know—

Old Mir.What the devil must we know, sir?

Petit.That I have [Pants and blows.] bribed, sir, bribed—your son's secretary of state.

Old Mir.Secretary of state!—who's that, for Heaven's sake?

Petit.His valet de chambre, sir? You must know, sir, that the intrigue lay folded up in his master's clothes; and, when he went to dust the embroidered suit, the secret flew out of the right pocket of his coat, in a whole swarm of your crambo songs, short-footed odes, and long-legged pindarics.

Old Mir.Impossible!

Petit.Ah, sir, he has loved her all along; there was Oriana in every line, but he hates marriage. Now, sir, this plot will stir up his jealousy, and we shall know, by the strength of that, how to proceed farther.

Come, sir, let's about it with speed:'Tis expedition gives our king the sway;For expedition to the French give way;Swift to attack, or swift—to run away.

[Exeunt.

EnterYoung MirabelandBisarre,passingcarelessly by one another.

Bis.[Aside.] I wonder what she can see in this fellow, to like him?

Y. Mir.[Aside.] I wonder what my friend can see in this girl, to admire her?

Bis.[Aside.] A wild, foppish, extravagant, rake-hell!

Y. Mir.[Aside.] A light, whimsical, impertinent, madcap!

Bis.Whom do you mean, sir?

Y. Mir.Whom do you mean, madam?

Bis.A fellow, that has nothing left to re-establish him for a human creature, but a prudent resolution to hang himself!

Y. Mir.There is a way, madam, to force me to that resolution.

Bis.I'll do it, with all my heart.

Y. Mir.Then you must marry me.

Bis.Lookye, sir, don't think your ill manners to me, shall excuse your ill usage of my friend; nor, by fixing a quarrel here, to divert my zeal for the absent; for I'm resolved, nay, I come prepared, to make you a panegyric, that shall mortify your pride, like any modern dedication.

Y. Mir.And I, madam, like a true modern patron, shall hardly give you thanks for your trouble.

Bis.Come, sir, to let you see what little foundation you have for your dear sufficiency, I'll take you to pieces.

Y. Mir.And what piece will you chuse?

Bis.Your heart, to be sure; because I should get presently rid on't: your courage I would give to a Hector, your wit to a lewd playmaker, your honour to an attorney, your body to the physicians, and your soul to its master.

Y. Mir.I had the oddest dream last night of the Duchess of Burgundy; methought the furbelows of her gown were pinned up so high behind, that I could not see her head for her tail.

Bis.The creature don't mind me! do you think, sir, that your humorous impertinence can divert me? No, sir, I'm above any pleasure that you can give, but that of seeing you miserable. And mark me, sir, my friend, my injured friend, shall yet be doubly happy, and you shall be a husband, as much as the rites of marriage, and the breach of them, can make you.

[HereMirabelpulls out a Virgil, and readsto himself, while she speaks.

Mir.[Reading.]At Regina dolos, (quis fallere possit amantem?)Dissimulare etiam sperásti perfide tantum—Very true.Posse nefas.By your favour, friend Virgil, 'twas but a rascally trick of your hero, to forsake poor pug so inhumanly.

Bis.I don't know what to say to him. The devil——what's Virgil to us, sir?

Mir.Very much, madam; the most apropos in the world—for, what should I chop upon, but the very place where the perjured rogue of a lover, and the forsaken lady, are battling it tooth and nail! Come, madam, spend your spirits no longer; we'll take an easier method: I'll be Æneas now, and you shall be Dido, and we'll rail by book. Now for you, Madam Dido:Nec te noster amor, nec te data dextera quondam,Nec Meritura tenet crudeli funere Dido——Ah, poor Dido![Looking at her.

Bis.Rudeness! affronts! impatience! I could almost start out, even to manhood, and want but a weapon, as long as his, to fight him upon the spot. What shall I say?

Mir.Now she rants.Quæ quibus anteferam? jam jam nec Maxima Juno.

Bis.A man! No, the woman's birth was spirited away.

Mir.Right, right, madam, the very words.

Bis.And some pernicious elf left in the cradle, with human shape, to palliate growing mischief.

[Both speak together, and raise their Voices byDegrees.

Mir.Perfide, sed duris genuit te Cautibus horrensCaucasus, Hyrcanæque admorunt Ubera Tigres.

Bis.Go, sir, fly to your midnight revels——

Mir.Excellent!I sequere Italiam ventis, pete regna per undas,Spero equidem mediis, si quid pia Numina possunt.

[Together again.

Bis.Converse with imps of darkness of your make; your nature starts at justice, and shivers at the touch of virtue.—Now, the devil take his impudence! He vexes me so, I don't know whether to cry or laugh at him.

Mir.Bravely performed, my dear Libyan! I'll write the tragedy of Dido, and you shall act the part; but you do nothing at all, unless you fret yourself into a fit; for here the poor lady is stifled with vapours, drops into the arms of her maids, and the cruel, barbarous, deceitful, wanderer, is, in the very next line, called pious Æneas.—There's authority for ye.

Sorry indeed Æneas stood,To see her in a pout;But Jove himself, who ne'er thought goodTo stay a second bout,Commands him off, with all his crew,And leaves poor Dy, as I leave you.

[Runs off.

Bis.Go thy ways, for a dear, mad, deceitful, agreeable fellow! O' my conscience, I must excuse Oriana.That lover soon his angry fair disarms,Whose slighting pleases, and whose faults are charms.[Exit.

EnterPetit;runs about to every Door, and knocks.

Petit.Mr. Mirabel! Sir, where are you? no where to be found?

EnterYoung Mirabel.

Y. Mir.What's the matter, Petit?

Petit.Most critically met!—Ah, sir, that one who has followed the game so long, and brought the poor hare just under his paws, should let a mungrel cur chop in, and run away with the puss!

Y. Mir.If your worship can get out of your allegories, be pleased to tell me, in three words, what you mean.

Petit.Plain, plain, sir! Your mistress and mine is going to be married!

Y. Mir.I believe you lie, sir.

Petit.Your humble servant, sir.[Going.

Y. Mir.Come hither, Petit. Married, say you?

Petit.No, sir, 'tis no matter: I only thought to do you a service; but I shall take care how I confer my favours for the future.

Y. Mir.Sir, I beg ten thousand pardons.[Bowing low.

Petit.'Tis enough, sir.—I come to tell you, sir, that Oriana is this moment to be sacrificed; married past redemption!

Y. Mir.I understand her; she'll take a husband, out of spite to me, and then, out of love to me, she will make him a cuckold! But who is the happy man?

Petit.A lord, sir.

Y. Mir.I'm her ladyship's most humble servant. Now must I be a constant attender at my lord's levee, to work my way to my lady's couchee——A countess, I presume, sir——

Petit.A Spanish count, sir, that Mr. Dugard knew abroad, is come to Paris, saw your mistress yesterday, marries her to-day, and whips her into Spain to-morrow.

Y. Mir.Ay, is it so? and must I follow my cuckold over the Pyrenees? Had she married within the precincts of a billet-doux, I would be the man to lead her to church; but, as it happens, I'll forbid the banns! Where is this mighty don?

Petit.Have a care, sir; he's a rough cross-grained piece, and there's no tampering with him. Would you apply to Mr. Dugard, or the lady herself, something might be done, for it is in despite to you, that the business is carried so hastily. Odso, sir, here he comes! I must be gone.[Exit.

EnterOld Mirabel,dressed in a Spanish Habit,leadingOriana.

Oriana.Good my lord, a nobler choice had better suited your lordship's merit. My person, rank, and circumstance, expose me as the public theme of raillery, and subject me so to injurious usage, my lord, that I can lay no claim to any part of your regard, except your pity.

Old Mir.Breathes he vital air, that dares presume,With rude behaviour, to profane such excellence?Show me the man——And you shall see how my sudden revengeShall fall upon the head of such presumption.Is this thing one?

[Strutting up toYoung Mirabel.

Y. Mir.Sir!

Oriana.Good my lord.

Old Mir.If he, or any he!

Oriana.Pray, my lord, the gentleman's a stranger.

Old Mir.O, your pardon, sir,—but if you had—remember, sir,—the lady now is mine, her injuries are mine; therefore, sir, you understand me——Come, madam.

[LeadsOrianato the Door; she goes off;Young Mirabelruns to his Father, andpulls him by the Sleeve.

Y. Mir.Ecoute, Monsieur le Count.

Old Mir.Your business, sir?

Y. Mir.Boh!

Old Mir.Boh! what language is that, sir?

Y. Mir.Spanish, my lord.

Old Mir.What d'ye mean?

Y. Mir.This, sir.

[Trips up his Heels.

Old Mir.A very concise quarrel, truly——I'll bully him.—Trinidade Seigneur, give me fair play.

[Offering to rise.

Y. Mir.By all means, sir. [Takes away his Sword.] Now, seigneur, where's that bombast look, and fustian face, your countship wore just now?

[Strikes him.

Old Mir.The rogue quarrels well, very well; my own son right!—But hold, sirrah, no more jesting; I'm your father, sir! your father!

Y. Mir.My father! Then, by this light, I could find in my heart to pay thee. [Aside.] Is the fellow mad? Why, sure, sir, I han't frighted you out of your senses?

Old Mir.But you have, sir!

Y. Mir.Then I'll beat them into you again.

[Offers to strike him.

Old Mir.Why, rogue!—Bob! dear Bob! don't you know me, child?

Y. Mir.Ha! ha! ha! the fellow's downright distracted! Thou miracle of impudence! wouldst thou make me believe, that such a grave gentleman as my father would go a masquerading thus? That a person of threescore and three would run about, in a fool's coat, to disgrace himself and family? why, you impudent villain, do you think I will suffer such an affront to pass upon my honoured father, my worthy father, my dear father? 'Sdeath, sir! mention my father but once again, and I'll send your soul to thy grandfather this minute!

[Offering to stab him.

Old Mir.Well, well, I am not your father.

Y. Mir.Why, then, sir, you are the saucy, hectoring Spaniard, and I'll use you accordingly.

EnterDugard, Oriana, Maid,andPetit.Dugardruns toYoung Mirabel,the rest to theOld Gentleman.

Dug.Fie, fie, Mirabel! murder your father!

Y. Mir.My father? What, is the whole family mad? Give me way, sir, I won't be held.

Old Mir.No? nor I neither; let me begone, pray.

[Offering to go.

Y. Mir.My father!

Old Mir.Ay, you dog's face! I am your father, for I have borne as much for thee, as your mother ever did.

Y. Mir.O ho! then this was a trick, it seems, a design, a contrivance, a stratagem!—Oh, how my bones ache!

Old Mir.Your bones, sirrah! why yours?

Y. Mir.Why sir, han't Ibeenbeating my own flesh and blood all this while? O, madam, [ToOriana.] I wish your ladyship joy of your new dignity. Here was a contrivance indeed!

Oriana.Pray, sir, don't insult the misfortunes of your own creating.

Dug.My prudence will be counted cowardice, if I stand tamely now.—[Comes up betweenYoung Mirabeland his Sister.] Well, sir!

Y. Mir.Well, sir! Do you take me for one of your tenants, sir, that you put on your landlord's face at me?

Dug.On what presumption, sir, dare you assume thus?[Draws.

Old Mir.What's that to you, sir?[Draws.

Petit.Help! help! the lady faints!

[Orianafalls into her Maid's Arms.

Y. Mir.Vapours! vapours! she'll come to herself: If it be an angry fit, a dram of assa fœtida—If jealousy, hartshorn in water—if the mother, burnt feathers—If grief, ratafia—If it be straight stays, or corns, there's nothing like a dram of plain brandy.[Exit.

Oriana.Hold off, give me air——O, my brother! would you preserve my life, endanger not your own; would you defend my reputation, leave it to itself; 'tis a dear vindication that's purchased by the sword; for, though our champion proves victorious, yet our honour is wounded.

Old Mir.Ay, and your lover may be wounded, that's another thing. But I think you are pretty brisk again, my child.

Oriana.Ay, sir, my indisposition was only a pretence to divert the quarrel; the capricious taste of your sex, excuses this artifice in ours.[Exit.

Petit.Come, Mr. Dugard, take courage; there is a way still left to fetch him again.

Old Mir.Sir, I'll have no plot that has any relation to Spain.

Dug.I scorn all artifice whatsoever; my sword shall do her justice.

Petit.Pretty justice, truly! Suppose you run him through the body, you run her through the heart at the same time.

Old Mir.And me through the head—rot your sword, sir, we'll have plots! Come, Petit, let's hear.

Petit.What if she pretended to go into a nunnery, and so bring him about to declare himself?

Dug.That, I must confess, has a face.

Old Mir.A face! a face like an angel, sir! Ad's my life, sir, 'tis the most beautiful plot in Christendom! We'll about it immediately.[Exeunt.

Old Mirabel'sHouse.EnterOld MirabelandDugard.

Dug.The Lady Abbess is my relation, and privy to the plot.Old Mir.Ay, ay, this nunnery will bring him about, I warrant ye.EnterDuretete.Dur.Here, where are ye all?—O, Mr. Mirabel! you have done fine things for your posterity—And you, Mr. Dugard, may come to answer this—I come to demand my friend at your hands; restore him, sir, or——[ToOld Mirabel.Old Mir.Restore him! What, d'ye think I have got him in my trunk, or my pocket?Dur.Sir, he's mad, and you are the cause on't.Old Mir.That may be; for I was as mad as he when I begot him.Dug.Mad, sir! What d'ye mean?Dur.What do you mean, sir, by shutting up your sister, yonder, to talk like a parrot through a cage? or a decoy-duck, to draw others into the snare? Your son, sir, because she has deserted him, he has forsaken the world; and, in three words, has——Old Mir.Hanged himself!Dur.The very same—turned friar!Old Mir.You lie, sir! 'tis ten times worse. Bob turned friar!—Why should the fellow shave his foolish crown, when the same razor may cut his throat?Dur.If you have any command, or you any interest over him, lose not a minute: He has thrown himself into the next monastery, and has ordered me to pay off his servants, and discharge his equipage.Old Mir.Let me alone to ferret him out: I'll sacrifice the Abbot, if he receives him; I'll try whether the spiritual or the natural father has the most right to the child.—But, dear Captain, what has he done with his estate?Dur.Settled it upon the church, sir.Old Mir.The church! Nay, then the devil won't get him out of their clutches——Ten thousand livres a year upon the church!—'Tis downright sacrilege—Come, gentlemen, all hands to work: for half that sum, one of these monasteries shall protect you a traitor from the law, a rebellious wife from her husband, and a disobedient son from his own father.[Exit.Dug.But will ye persuade me that he's gone to a monastery?Dur.Is your sister gone to the Filles Repenties? I tell you, sir, she's not fit for the society of repenting maids.Dug.Why so, sir?Dur.Because she's neither one nor t'other; she's too old to be a maid, and too young to repent.[Exit—Dugardafter him.

Dug.The Lady Abbess is my relation, and privy to the plot.

Old Mir.Ay, ay, this nunnery will bring him about, I warrant ye.

EnterDuretete.

Dur.Here, where are ye all?—O, Mr. Mirabel! you have done fine things for your posterity—And you, Mr. Dugard, may come to answer this—I come to demand my friend at your hands; restore him, sir, or——

[ToOld Mirabel.

Old Mir.Restore him! What, d'ye think I have got him in my trunk, or my pocket?

Dur.Sir, he's mad, and you are the cause on't.

Old Mir.That may be; for I was as mad as he when I begot him.

Dug.Mad, sir! What d'ye mean?

Dur.What do you mean, sir, by shutting up your sister, yonder, to talk like a parrot through a cage? or a decoy-duck, to draw others into the snare? Your son, sir, because she has deserted him, he has forsaken the world; and, in three words, has——

Old Mir.Hanged himself!

Dur.The very same—turned friar!

Old Mir.You lie, sir! 'tis ten times worse. Bob turned friar!—Why should the fellow shave his foolish crown, when the same razor may cut his throat?

Dur.If you have any command, or you any interest over him, lose not a minute: He has thrown himself into the next monastery, and has ordered me to pay off his servants, and discharge his equipage.

Old Mir.Let me alone to ferret him out: I'll sacrifice the Abbot, if he receives him; I'll try whether the spiritual or the natural father has the most right to the child.—But, dear Captain, what has he done with his estate?

Dur.Settled it upon the church, sir.

Old Mir.The church! Nay, then the devil won't get him out of their clutches——Ten thousand livres a year upon the church!—'Tis downright sacrilege—Come, gentlemen, all hands to work: for half that sum, one of these monasteries shall protect you a traitor from the law, a rebellious wife from her husband, and a disobedient son from his own father.[Exit.

Dug.But will ye persuade me that he's gone to a monastery?

Dur.Is your sister gone to the Filles Repenties? I tell you, sir, she's not fit for the society of repenting maids.

Dug.Why so, sir?

Dur.Because she's neither one nor t'other; she's too old to be a maid, and too young to repent.

[Exit—Dugardafter him.

The Inside of a Monastery.EnterOriana,in a Nun's Habit, andBisarre.

Oriana.I hope, Bisarre, there is no harm in jesting with this religious habit.Bis.To me, the greatest jest in the habit, is taking it in earnest.Oriana.But I'm reconciled, methinks, to the mortification of a nunnery; because I fancy the habit becomes me.Bis.A well-contrived mortification, truly, that makes a woman look ten times handsomer than she did before!—Ay, my dear, were there any religion in becoming dress, our sex's devotion were rightly placed; for our toilets would do the work of the altar; we should all be canonized.Oriana.But don't you think there is a great deal of merit in dedicating a beautiful face and person to the service of religion?Bis.Not half so much as devoting them to a pretty fellow. Come, come, mind your business. Mirabel loves you, 'tis now plain, and hold him to't; give fresh orders that he shan't see you: we get more by hiding our faces, sometimes, than by exposing them; a very mask, you see, whets desire; but a pair of keen eyes, through an iron grate, fire double upon them, with view and disguise. But I must begone upon my affairs; I have brought my captain about again.Oriana.But why will you trouble yourself with that coxcomb?Bis.Because he is a coxcomb: had I not better have a lover like him, that I can make an ass of, than a lover like yours, to make a fool of me. [Knocking below.] A message from Mirabel, I'll lay my life! [She runs to the Door.] Come hither! run, thou charming nun, come hither!Oriana.What's the news?[Runs to her.Bis.Don't you see who's below?Oriana.I see nobody but a friar.Bis.Ah, thou poor blind Cupid! A friar! Don't you see a villanous genteel mien, under that cloak of hypocrisy?Oriana.As I live, Mirabel turned friar! I hope, in Heaven, he's not in earnest.Bis.In earnest! Ha! ha! ha! are you in earnest? Remember what I say, if you would yield to advantage, and hold out the attack; to draw him on, keep him off, to be sure.The cunning gamesters never gain too fast,But lose at first, to win the more at last.[Exit.EnterYoung Mirabel,in a Friar's Habit.Y. Mir.'Save you, sister—Your brother, young lady, having a regard for your soul's health, has sent me to prepare you for the sacred habit, by confession.Oriana.My brother's care I own; and to you, sacred sir, I confess, that the great crying sin, which I have long indulged, and now prepare to expiate, was love. My morning thoughts, my evening prayers, my daily musings, nightly cares, was love!Y. Mir.She's downright stark mad in earnest! Death and confusion, I have lost her! [Aside.]—You confess your fault, madam, in such moving terms, that I could almost be in love with the sin.Oriana.Take care, sir; crimes, like virtues, are their own rewards; my chief delight became my only grief; he, in whose breast I thought my heart secure, turned robber, and despoiled the treasure that he kept.Y. Mir.Perhaps that treasure he esteemed so much, that, like the miser, though afraid to use it, he reserves it safe.Oriana.No, holy father: who can be miser in another's wealth, that's prodigal of his own? His heart was open, shared to all he knew, and what, alas! must then become of mine! But the same eyes, that drew this passion in, shall send it out in tears, to which now hear my vow——Y. Mir.[Discovering himself.] No, my fair angel! Here, on my knees, behold the criminal, that vows repentance his. [Kneels.] Ha! no concern upon her!EnterOld Mirabel.Old Mir.Where, where's this counterfeit nun?Oriana.Madness! confusion! I'm ruined!Y. Mir.What do I hear? [Puts on his Hood.] What did you say, sir?Old Mir.I say she's a counterfeit, and you may be another, for aught I know, sir: I have lost my child by these tricks, sir.Y. Mir.What tricks, sir?Old Mir.By a pretended trick, sir. A contrivance to bring my son to reason, and it has made him stark mad; I have lost him, and a thousand pound a year.Y. Mir.[Discovering himself.] My dear father, I'm your most humble servant.Old Mir.My dear boy! [Runs and kisses him.]—Welcome,ex inferis, my dear boy! 'tis all a trick, she's no more a nun than I am.Y. Mir.No!Old Mir.The devil a bit.Y. Mir.Then kiss me again, my dear dad, for the most happy news—And now, most venerable holy sister,[Kneels.Your mercy and your pardon I implore,For the offence of asking it before.Lookye, my dear counterfeiting nun, take my advice, be a nun in good earnest; women make the best nuns always, when they can't do otherwise.Oriana.O, sir! how unhappily have you destroyed what was so near perfection! He is the counterfeit, that has deceived you.Old Mir.Ha! Lookye, sir, I recant; she is a nun.Y. Mir.Sir, your humble servant; then I'm a friar this moment.Old Mir.Was ever an old fool so bantered by a brace o' young ones! Hang you both! you're both counterfeits, and my plot's spoiled, that's all.Oriana.Shame and confusion, love, anger, and disappointment, will work my brain to madness![Takes off her Habit—Exit.Y. Mir.Ay, ay, throw by the rags; they have served a turn for us both, and they shall e'en go off together.[Takes off his Habit.[Exit, throwing away the Habit.

Oriana.I hope, Bisarre, there is no harm in jesting with this religious habit.

Bis.To me, the greatest jest in the habit, is taking it in earnest.

Oriana.But I'm reconciled, methinks, to the mortification of a nunnery; because I fancy the habit becomes me.

Bis.A well-contrived mortification, truly, that makes a woman look ten times handsomer than she did before!—Ay, my dear, were there any religion in becoming dress, our sex's devotion were rightly placed; for our toilets would do the work of the altar; we should all be canonized.

Oriana.But don't you think there is a great deal of merit in dedicating a beautiful face and person to the service of religion?

Bis.Not half so much as devoting them to a pretty fellow. Come, come, mind your business. Mirabel loves you, 'tis now plain, and hold him to't; give fresh orders that he shan't see you: we get more by hiding our faces, sometimes, than by exposing them; a very mask, you see, whets desire; but a pair of keen eyes, through an iron grate, fire double upon them, with view and disguise. But I must begone upon my affairs; I have brought my captain about again.

Oriana.But why will you trouble yourself with that coxcomb?

Bis.Because he is a coxcomb: had I not better have a lover like him, that I can make an ass of, than a lover like yours, to make a fool of me. [Knocking below.] A message from Mirabel, I'll lay my life! [She runs to the Door.] Come hither! run, thou charming nun, come hither!

Oriana.What's the news?[Runs to her.

Bis.Don't you see who's below?

Oriana.I see nobody but a friar.

Bis.Ah, thou poor blind Cupid! A friar! Don't you see a villanous genteel mien, under that cloak of hypocrisy?

Oriana.As I live, Mirabel turned friar! I hope, in Heaven, he's not in earnest.

Bis.In earnest! Ha! ha! ha! are you in earnest? Remember what I say, if you would yield to advantage, and hold out the attack; to draw him on, keep him off, to be sure.

The cunning gamesters never gain too fast,But lose at first, to win the more at last.

[Exit.

EnterYoung Mirabel,in a Friar's Habit.

Y. Mir.'Save you, sister—Your brother, young lady, having a regard for your soul's health, has sent me to prepare you for the sacred habit, by confession.

Oriana.My brother's care I own; and to you, sacred sir, I confess, that the great crying sin, which I have long indulged, and now prepare to expiate, was love. My morning thoughts, my evening prayers, my daily musings, nightly cares, was love!

Y. Mir.She's downright stark mad in earnest! Death and confusion, I have lost her! [Aside.]—You confess your fault, madam, in such moving terms, that I could almost be in love with the sin.

Oriana.Take care, sir; crimes, like virtues, are their own rewards; my chief delight became my only grief; he, in whose breast I thought my heart secure, turned robber, and despoiled the treasure that he kept.

Y. Mir.Perhaps that treasure he esteemed so much, that, like the miser, though afraid to use it, he reserves it safe.

Oriana.No, holy father: who can be miser in another's wealth, that's prodigal of his own? His heart was open, shared to all he knew, and what, alas! must then become of mine! But the same eyes, that drew this passion in, shall send it out in tears, to which now hear my vow——

Y. Mir.[Discovering himself.] No, my fair angel! Here, on my knees, behold the criminal, that vows repentance his. [Kneels.] Ha! no concern upon her!

EnterOld Mirabel.

Old Mir.Where, where's this counterfeit nun?

Oriana.Madness! confusion! I'm ruined!

Y. Mir.What do I hear? [Puts on his Hood.] What did you say, sir?

Old Mir.I say she's a counterfeit, and you may be another, for aught I know, sir: I have lost my child by these tricks, sir.

Y. Mir.What tricks, sir?

Old Mir.By a pretended trick, sir. A contrivance to bring my son to reason, and it has made him stark mad; I have lost him, and a thousand pound a year.

Y. Mir.[Discovering himself.] My dear father, I'm your most humble servant.

Old Mir.My dear boy! [Runs and kisses him.]—Welcome,ex inferis, my dear boy! 'tis all a trick, she's no more a nun than I am.

Y. Mir.No!

Old Mir.The devil a bit.

Y. Mir.Then kiss me again, my dear dad, for the most happy news—And now, most venerable holy sister,[Kneels.

Your mercy and your pardon I implore,For the offence of asking it before.

Lookye, my dear counterfeiting nun, take my advice, be a nun in good earnest; women make the best nuns always, when they can't do otherwise.

Oriana.O, sir! how unhappily have you destroyed what was so near perfection! He is the counterfeit, that has deceived you.

Old Mir.Ha! Lookye, sir, I recant; she is a nun.

Y. Mir.Sir, your humble servant; then I'm a friar this moment.

Old Mir.Was ever an old fool so bantered by a brace o' young ones! Hang you both! you're both counterfeits, and my plot's spoiled, that's all.

Oriana.Shame and confusion, love, anger, and disappointment, will work my brain to madness!

[Takes off her Habit—Exit.

Y. Mir.Ay, ay, throw by the rags; they have served a turn for us both, and they shall e'en go off together.

[Takes off his Habit.[Exit, throwing away the Habit.

Old Mirabel'sHouse.EnterDuretete,with a Letter.

Dur.[Reads.]My rudeness was only a proof of your humour, which I have found so agreeable, that I own myself penitent, and willing to make any reparation upon your first appearance toBisarre.Mirabel swears she loves me, and this confirms it; then farewell gallantry, and welcome revenge! 'Tis my turn now to be upon the sublime; I'll take her off; I warrant her!EnterBisarre.Well, mistress, do you love me?Bis.I hope, sir, you will pardon the modesty of——Dur.Of what? of a dancing devil!—Do you love me, I say?Bis.Perhaps I——Dur.What?Bis.Perhaps I do not.Dur.Ha! abused again! Death, woman, I'll——Bis.Hold, hold, sir! I do, do!Dur.Confirm it, then, by your obedience; stand there, and ogle me now, as if your heart, blood, and soul, were like to fly out at your eyes—First, the direct surprise. [She looks full upon him.] Right; next, thedeux yeux par oblique. [She gives him the side Glance.] Right; now depart, and languish. [She turns from him, and looks over her Shoulder.] Very well; now sigh. [She sighs.] Now drop your fan on purpose. [She drops her Fan.] Now take it up again. Come now, confess your faults; are not you a proud—say after me.Bis.Proud.Dur.Impertinent.Bis.Impertinent.Dur.Ridiculous.Bis.Ridiculous.Dur.Flirt.Bis.Puppy.Dur.Zoons! Woman, don't provoke me; we are alone, and you don't know but the devil may tempt me to do you a mischief; ask my pardon immediately.Bis.I do, sir; I only mistook the word.Dur.Cry, then. Have you got e'er a handkerchief?Bis.Yes, sir.Dur.Cry, then, handsomely; cry like a queen in a tragedy.[She pretending to cry, bursts out a laughing.Enter TwoLadies,laughing.Bis.Ha! ha! ha!Both Ladies.Ha! ha! ha!Dur.Hell broke loose upon me, and all the furies fluttered about my ears! Betrayed again?Bis.That you are, upon my word, my dear Captain; ha! ha! ha!Dur.The Lord deliver me!1 Lady.What! is this the mighty man, with the bull-face, that comes to frighten ladies?Dur.Ah, madam, I'm the best natured fellow in the world.Bis.A man! we're mistaken; a man has manners: the awkward creature is some tinker's trull, in a periwig. Come, ladies, let us examine him.[They lay hold on him.Dur.Examine! the devil you will!Bis.I'll lay my life, some great dairy maid in man's clothes!Dur.They will do't;—lookye, dear christian women! pray hear me.Bis.Will you ever attempt a lady's honour again?Dur.If you please to let me get away with my honour, I'll do any thing in the world.Bis.Will you persuade your friend to marry mine?Dur.O yes, to be sure.Bis.And will you do the same by me?Dur.Burn me if I do, if the coast be clear.[Runs out.Bis.Ha! ha! ha! The visit, ladies, was critical for our diversions: we'll go make an end of our tea.[Exeunt.EnterYoung MirabelandOld Mirabel.Y. Mir.Your patience, sir. I tell you, I won't marry; and, though you send all the bishops in France to persuade me, I shall never believe their doctrine against their practice. You would compel me to that state, which I have heard you curse yourself, when my mother and you have battled it for a whole week together.Old Mir.Never but once, you rogue, and that was when she longed for six Flanders mares: ay, sir, then she was breeding of you, which showed what an expensive dog I should have of you.EnterPetit.Well, Petit, how does she now?Petit.Mad, sir,con pompos—Ay, Mr. Mirabel, you'll believe that I speak truth, now, when I confess that I have told you hitherto nothing but lies: our jesting is come to a sad earnest; she's downright distracted!EnterBisarre.Bis.Where is this mighty victor!——The great exploit is done. O, sir, [To the old Gentleman.] your wretched ward has found a tender guardian of you, where her young innocence expected protection, here has she found her ruin.Old Mir.Ay, the fault is mine; for I believe that rogue won't marry, for fear of begetting such another disobedient son as his father did. I have done all I can, madam, and now can do no more than run mad for company.[Cries.EnterDugard,with his Sword drawn.Dug.Away! Revenge! Revenge!Old Mir.Patience! Patience, sir! [Old Mirabelholds him.] Bob, draw.[Aside.Dug.Patience! the coward's virtue, and the brave man's failing, when thus provoked—Villain!Y. Mir.Your sister's phrensy shall excuse your madness; and, to show my concern for what she suffers, I'll bear the villain from her brother.—Put up your anger with your sword; I have a heart like yours, that swells at an affront received, but melts at an injury given; and, if the lovely Oriana's grief be such a moving scene, 'twill find a part within this breast, perhaps as tender as a brother's.Dug.To prove that soft compassion for her grief, endeavour to remove it.—There, there, behold an object that's infective; I cannot view her, but I am as mad as she!EnterOriana,held by Two Maids, who put her in aChair.A sister, that my dying parents left, with their last words and blessing, to my care. Sister, dearest sister![Goes to her.Old Mir.Ay, poor child, poor child, d'ye know me?Oriana.You! you are Amadis de Gaul, sir.—Oh! oh, my heart! Were you never in love, fair lady? And do you never dream of flowers and gardens?—I dream of walking fires, and tall gigantic sights. Take heed, it comes now—What's that? Pray stand away: I have seen that face, sure.—How light my head is!Y. Mir.What piercing charms has beauty, even in madness!

Dur.[Reads.]My rudeness was only a proof of your humour, which I have found so agreeable, that I own myself penitent, and willing to make any reparation upon your first appearance toBisarre.

Mirabel swears she loves me, and this confirms it; then farewell gallantry, and welcome revenge! 'Tis my turn now to be upon the sublime; I'll take her off; I warrant her!

EnterBisarre.

Well, mistress, do you love me?

Bis.I hope, sir, you will pardon the modesty of——

Dur.Of what? of a dancing devil!—Do you love me, I say?

Bis.Perhaps I——

Dur.What?

Bis.Perhaps I do not.

Dur.Ha! abused again! Death, woman, I'll——

Bis.Hold, hold, sir! I do, do!

Dur.Confirm it, then, by your obedience; stand there, and ogle me now, as if your heart, blood, and soul, were like to fly out at your eyes—First, the direct surprise. [She looks full upon him.] Right; next, thedeux yeux par oblique. [She gives him the side Glance.] Right; now depart, and languish. [She turns from him, and looks over her Shoulder.] Very well; now sigh. [She sighs.] Now drop your fan on purpose. [She drops her Fan.] Now take it up again. Come now, confess your faults; are not you a proud—say after me.

Bis.Proud.

Dur.Impertinent.

Bis.Impertinent.

Dur.Ridiculous.

Bis.Ridiculous.

Dur.Flirt.

Bis.Puppy.

Dur.Zoons! Woman, don't provoke me; we are alone, and you don't know but the devil may tempt me to do you a mischief; ask my pardon immediately.

Bis.I do, sir; I only mistook the word.

Dur.Cry, then. Have you got e'er a handkerchief?

Bis.Yes, sir.

Dur.Cry, then, handsomely; cry like a queen in a tragedy.

[She pretending to cry, bursts out a laughing.

Enter TwoLadies,laughing.

Bis.Ha! ha! ha!

Both Ladies.Ha! ha! ha!

Dur.Hell broke loose upon me, and all the furies fluttered about my ears! Betrayed again?

Bis.That you are, upon my word, my dear Captain; ha! ha! ha!

Dur.The Lord deliver me!

1 Lady.What! is this the mighty man, with the bull-face, that comes to frighten ladies?

Dur.Ah, madam, I'm the best natured fellow in the world.

Bis.A man! we're mistaken; a man has manners: the awkward creature is some tinker's trull, in a periwig. Come, ladies, let us examine him.

[They lay hold on him.

Dur.Examine! the devil you will!

Bis.I'll lay my life, some great dairy maid in man's clothes!

Dur.They will do't;—lookye, dear christian women! pray hear me.

Bis.Will you ever attempt a lady's honour again?

Dur.If you please to let me get away with my honour, I'll do any thing in the world.

Bis.Will you persuade your friend to marry mine?

Dur.O yes, to be sure.

Bis.And will you do the same by me?

Dur.Burn me if I do, if the coast be clear.[Runs out.

Bis.Ha! ha! ha! The visit, ladies, was critical for our diversions: we'll go make an end of our tea.[Exeunt.

EnterYoung MirabelandOld Mirabel.

Y. Mir.Your patience, sir. I tell you, I won't marry; and, though you send all the bishops in France to persuade me, I shall never believe their doctrine against their practice. You would compel me to that state, which I have heard you curse yourself, when my mother and you have battled it for a whole week together.

Old Mir.Never but once, you rogue, and that was when she longed for six Flanders mares: ay, sir, then she was breeding of you, which showed what an expensive dog I should have of you.

EnterPetit.

Well, Petit, how does she now?

Petit.Mad, sir,con pompos—Ay, Mr. Mirabel, you'll believe that I speak truth, now, when I confess that I have told you hitherto nothing but lies: our jesting is come to a sad earnest; she's downright distracted!

EnterBisarre.

Bis.Where is this mighty victor!——The great exploit is done. O, sir, [To the old Gentleman.] your wretched ward has found a tender guardian of you, where her young innocence expected protection, here has she found her ruin.

Old Mir.Ay, the fault is mine; for I believe that rogue won't marry, for fear of begetting such another disobedient son as his father did. I have done all I can, madam, and now can do no more than run mad for company.[Cries.

EnterDugard,with his Sword drawn.

Dug.Away! Revenge! Revenge!

Old Mir.Patience! Patience, sir! [Old Mirabelholds him.] Bob, draw.[Aside.

Dug.Patience! the coward's virtue, and the brave man's failing, when thus provoked—Villain!

Y. Mir.Your sister's phrensy shall excuse your madness; and, to show my concern for what she suffers, I'll bear the villain from her brother.—Put up your anger with your sword; I have a heart like yours, that swells at an affront received, but melts at an injury given; and, if the lovely Oriana's grief be such a moving scene, 'twill find a part within this breast, perhaps as tender as a brother's.

Dug.To prove that soft compassion for her grief, endeavour to remove it.—There, there, behold an object that's infective; I cannot view her, but I am as mad as she!

EnterOriana,held by Two Maids, who put her in aChair.

A sister, that my dying parents left, with their last words and blessing, to my care. Sister, dearest sister![Goes to her.

Old Mir.Ay, poor child, poor child, d'ye know me?

Oriana.You! you are Amadis de Gaul, sir.—Oh! oh, my heart! Were you never in love, fair lady? And do you never dream of flowers and gardens?—I dream of walking fires, and tall gigantic sights. Take heed, it comes now—What's that? Pray stand away: I have seen that face, sure.—How light my head is!

Y. Mir.What piercing charms has beauty, even in madness!

ORIANAORIANA:—I CANNOT; FOR I MUST BE UP AND GOTO CHURCHClick toENLARGE

Oriana.I cannot; for I must be up to go to church, and I must dress me, put on my new gown, and be so fine, to meet my love. Heigho!—Will not you tell me where my heart lies buried?Y. Mir.My very soul is touch'd—Your hand, my fair!Oriana.How soft and gentle you feel! I'll tell you your fortune, friend.Y. Mir.How she stares upon me!Oriana.You have a flattering face; but 'tis a fine one—I warrant you have five hundred mistresses—Ay, to be sure, a mistress for every guinea in his pocket—Will you pray for me? I shall die to-morrow——And will you ring my passing bell?Y. Mir.Do you know me, injured creature?Oriana.No,—but you shall be my intimate acquaintance—in the grave.[Weeps.Y. Mir.Oh, tears! I must believe you; sure there's a kind of sympathy in madness; for even I, obdurate as I am, do feel my soul so tossed with storms of passion, that I could cry for help as well as she.[Wipes his Eyes.Oriana.What, have you lost your lover? No, you mock me; I'll go home and pray.Y. Mir.Stay, my fair innocence, and hear me own my love so loud, that I may call your senses to their place, restore them to their charming happy functions, and reinstate myself into your favour.Bis.Let her alone, sir; 'tis all too late: she trembles; hold her, her fits grow stronger by her talking; don't trouble her, she don't know you, sir.Old Mir.Not know him! what then? she loves to see him for all that.EnterDuretete.Dur.Where are you all? What the devil! melancholy, and I here! Are ye sad, and such a ridiculous subject, such a very good jest among you as I am?Y. Mir.Away with this impertinence; this is no place for bagatelle; I have murdered my honour, destroyed a lady, and my desire of reparation is come at length too late. See there!Dur.What ails her?Y. Mir.Alas, she's mad!Dur.Mad! dost wonder at that? By this light, they're all so; they're cozening mad; they're brawling mad; they're proud mad: I just now came from a whole world of mad women, that had almost—What, is she dead?Y. Mir.Dead! Heavens forbid.Dur.Heavens further it; for, till they be as cold as a key, there's no trusting them; you're never sure that a woman's in earnest, till she is nailed in her coffin. Shall I talk to her? Are you mad, mistress?Bis.What's that to you, sir?Dur.Oons, madam, are you there?[Runs off.Y. Mir.Away, thou wild buffoon! How poor and mean this humour now appears? His follies and my own I here disclaim; this lady's phrensy has restored my senses, and, was she perfect now, as once she was, (before you all I speak it) she should be mine; and, as she is, my tears and prayers shall wed her.Dug.How happy had this declaration been some hours ago!Bis.Sir, she beckons to you, and waves us to go off: come, come, let's leave them.[Exeunt all butYoung MirabelandOriana.Oriana.Oh, sir!Y. Mir.Speak, my charming angel, if your dear senses have regained their order; speak, fair, and bless me with the news.Oriana.First, let me bless the cunning of my sex, that happy counterfeited phrensy that has restored to my poor labouring breast the dearest, best beloved of men.Y. Mir.Tune all, ye spheres, your instruments of joy, and carry round your spacious orbs the happy sound of Oriana's health; her soul, whose harmony was next to yours, is now in tune again; the counterfeiting fair has played the fool!She was so mad, to counterfeit for me;I was so mad, to pawn my liberty:But now we both are well, and both are free.Oriana.How, sir? Free!Y. Mir.As air, my dear bedlamite! What, marry a lunatic! Lookye, my dear, you have counterfeited madness so very well this bout, that you'll be apt to play the fool all your life long.——Here, gentlemen!Oriana.Monster! you won't disgrace me!Y. Mir.O' my faith, but I will. Here, come in gentlemen.—A miracle! a miracle! the woman's dispossess'd! the devil's vanished!EnterOld MirabelandDugard.Old Mir.Bless us! was she possessed?Y. Mir.With the worst of demons, sir! a marriage devil! a horrid devil! Mr. Dugard, don't be surprised. I promised my endeavours to cure your sister; no mad doctor in Christendom could have done it more effectually. Take her into your charge; and have a care she don't relapse. If she should, employ me not again, for I am no more infallible than others of the faculty; I do cure sometimes.Oriana.Your remedy, most barbarous man, will prove the greatest poison to my health; for, though my former phrensy was but counterfeit, I now shall run into a real madness.[Exit;Old Mirabelafter.Y. Mir.What a dangerous precipice have I 'scap'd! Was not I just now upon the brink of destruction?EnterDuretete.Oh, my friend, let me run into thy bosom! no lark escaped from the devouring pounces of a hawk, quakes with more dismal apprehension.Dur.The matter, man!Y. Mir.Marriage! hanging! I was just at the gallows foot, the running noose about my neck, and the cart wheeling from me.—Oh, I shan't be myself this month again!Dur.Did not I tell you so? They are all alike, saints or devils!Y. Mir.Ay, ay: there's no living here with security; this house is so full of stratagem and design, that I must abroad again.Dur.With all my heart; I'll bear thee company, my lad: I'll meet you at the play; and we'll set out for Italy to-morrow morning.Y. Mir.A match; I'll go pay my compliment of leave to my father presently.Dur.I'm afraid he'll stop you.Y. Mir.What, pretend a command over me, after his settlement of a thousand pound a year upon me! No, no, he has passed away his authority with the conveyance; the will of the living father is chiefly obeyed for the sake of the dying one.Dependence, ev'n a father's sway secures,For, though the son rebels, the heir is yours.[Exeunt severally.

Oriana.I cannot; for I must be up to go to church, and I must dress me, put on my new gown, and be so fine, to meet my love. Heigho!—Will not you tell me where my heart lies buried?

Y. Mir.My very soul is touch'd—Your hand, my fair!

Oriana.How soft and gentle you feel! I'll tell you your fortune, friend.

Y. Mir.How she stares upon me!

Oriana.You have a flattering face; but 'tis a fine one—I warrant you have five hundred mistresses—Ay, to be sure, a mistress for every guinea in his pocket—Will you pray for me? I shall die to-morrow——And will you ring my passing bell?

Y. Mir.Do you know me, injured creature?

Oriana.No,—but you shall be my intimate acquaintance—in the grave.[Weeps.

Y. Mir.Oh, tears! I must believe you; sure there's a kind of sympathy in madness; for even I, obdurate as I am, do feel my soul so tossed with storms of passion, that I could cry for help as well as she.

[Wipes his Eyes.

Oriana.What, have you lost your lover? No, you mock me; I'll go home and pray.

Y. Mir.Stay, my fair innocence, and hear me own my love so loud, that I may call your senses to their place, restore them to their charming happy functions, and reinstate myself into your favour.

Bis.Let her alone, sir; 'tis all too late: she trembles; hold her, her fits grow stronger by her talking; don't trouble her, she don't know you, sir.

Old Mir.Not know him! what then? she loves to see him for all that.

EnterDuretete.

Dur.Where are you all? What the devil! melancholy, and I here! Are ye sad, and such a ridiculous subject, such a very good jest among you as I am?

Y. Mir.Away with this impertinence; this is no place for bagatelle; I have murdered my honour, destroyed a lady, and my desire of reparation is come at length too late. See there!

Dur.What ails her?

Y. Mir.Alas, she's mad!

Dur.Mad! dost wonder at that? By this light, they're all so; they're cozening mad; they're brawling mad; they're proud mad: I just now came from a whole world of mad women, that had almost—What, is she dead?

Y. Mir.Dead! Heavens forbid.

Dur.Heavens further it; for, till they be as cold as a key, there's no trusting them; you're never sure that a woman's in earnest, till she is nailed in her coffin. Shall I talk to her? Are you mad, mistress?

Bis.What's that to you, sir?

Dur.Oons, madam, are you there?[Runs off.

Y. Mir.Away, thou wild buffoon! How poor and mean this humour now appears? His follies and my own I here disclaim; this lady's phrensy has restored my senses, and, was she perfect now, as once she was, (before you all I speak it) she should be mine; and, as she is, my tears and prayers shall wed her.

Dug.How happy had this declaration been some hours ago!

Bis.Sir, she beckons to you, and waves us to go off: come, come, let's leave them.

[Exeunt all butYoung MirabelandOriana.

Oriana.Oh, sir!

Y. Mir.Speak, my charming angel, if your dear senses have regained their order; speak, fair, and bless me with the news.

Oriana.First, let me bless the cunning of my sex, that happy counterfeited phrensy that has restored to my poor labouring breast the dearest, best beloved of men.

Y. Mir.Tune all, ye spheres, your instruments of joy, and carry round your spacious orbs the happy sound of Oriana's health; her soul, whose harmony was next to yours, is now in tune again; the counterfeiting fair has played the fool!

She was so mad, to counterfeit for me;I was so mad, to pawn my liberty:But now we both are well, and both are free.

Oriana.How, sir? Free!

Y. Mir.As air, my dear bedlamite! What, marry a lunatic! Lookye, my dear, you have counterfeited madness so very well this bout, that you'll be apt to play the fool all your life long.——Here, gentlemen!

Oriana.Monster! you won't disgrace me!

Y. Mir.O' my faith, but I will. Here, come in gentlemen.—A miracle! a miracle! the woman's dispossess'd! the devil's vanished!

EnterOld MirabelandDugard.

Old Mir.Bless us! was she possessed?

Y. Mir.With the worst of demons, sir! a marriage devil! a horrid devil! Mr. Dugard, don't be surprised. I promised my endeavours to cure your sister; no mad doctor in Christendom could have done it more effectually. Take her into your charge; and have a care she don't relapse. If she should, employ me not again, for I am no more infallible than others of the faculty; I do cure sometimes.

Oriana.Your remedy, most barbarous man, will prove the greatest poison to my health; for, though my former phrensy was but counterfeit, I now shall run into a real madness.

[Exit;Old Mirabelafter.

Y. Mir.What a dangerous precipice have I 'scap'd! Was not I just now upon the brink of destruction?

EnterDuretete.

Oh, my friend, let me run into thy bosom! no lark escaped from the devouring pounces of a hawk, quakes with more dismal apprehension.

Dur.The matter, man!

Y. Mir.Marriage! hanging! I was just at the gallows foot, the running noose about my neck, and the cart wheeling from me.—Oh, I shan't be myself this month again!

Dur.Did not I tell you so? They are all alike, saints or devils!

Y. Mir.Ay, ay: there's no living here with security; this house is so full of stratagem and design, that I must abroad again.

Dur.With all my heart; I'll bear thee company, my lad: I'll meet you at the play; and we'll set out for Italy to-morrow morning.

Y. Mir.A match; I'll go pay my compliment of leave to my father presently.

Dur.I'm afraid he'll stop you.

Y. Mir.What, pretend a command over me, after his settlement of a thousand pound a year upon me! No, no, he has passed away his authority with the conveyance; the will of the living father is chiefly obeyed for the sake of the dying one.

Dependence, ev'n a father's sway secures,For, though the son rebels, the heir is yours.

[Exeunt severally.

Back to Index Next