NOT a little disturbed, lest I should distrust the quality of his valor, the major approached me shortly after we had set sail, and having stroked his beard for a few seconds, said: "I do hope, sir, you will not think it strange I did not use my sword to avenge the insult offered me by the enemies who mixed up with my friends on the wharf. But I am a man of discretion, and my forbearance was in consideration of my friends, whose bodies might perchance gave got scarred by the blows aimed at my foes. Being a friend and fellow fortune seeker, I need have no scruple in saying to you, that I have always held it an axiom, that all great men husband their valor well, and never use it except with great discretion. In truth, and as I hope to honor the profession to which I belong, it was the exercise of that worthy discretion God implanted in my heart that saved me from two duels, the consequences of which might have been very bloody. I assure you, I have often thought how, if it had been my fate to die in either of those sanguinary contests, my wife Polly would have heen left to mourn the loss of a most excellent husband and father. And yet I have just been thinking, how nothing in the world would so much please me as to see the 'Two Marys' engaged in battle with a Sound pirate, for then it would afford me an opportunity of letting you see a little of the courage that distinguished me when at the head of my regiment in Mexico."
The "Two Marys" was an exceedingly formidable craft, and very safe in a sea, of which Captain Luke Snider, fashioning after those who build very bad steamers for a very good natured government, never failed to boast. Indeed, the "Two Marys," like several of our best boasted war steamers, was not blessed with a capacity for speed, and had only made forty miles' distance in three days, which fact was ascertained by the log Luke's wife kept with a piece of chalk on the top of the companion slide.
It was on the afternoon of the third day, then, that there arose a terrible storm. The wind was in the south-west, and with a pelting rain, the sea rose into such angry waves as to threaten serious consequences to all on board, and more especially to old Battle, who had quarters near the windlass bits, to which he was tied, and where, notwithstanding the major's constant solicitude, he became so lean of frame that a speedy dissolution was seriously apprehended. And this great event, so disastrous to the major's future prospects, would have been welcomed by Captain Luke, of whose deck he was making sad havoc, and who had twice been heard to say he was only a pack of useless bones, whose life would be better saved by his being thrown overboard. The major overhearing this, was not a little wounded in his pride, for he set great store by old Battle, and declared him an inseparable part of his fortunes.
And now, while the "Two Marys" bowed her head to the sea, and shook her great jib in the face of the wind, old Battle swung to and fro, and could with great difficulty keep his feet, while his legs were so swollen, that it required some effort to use them. The major attributed the largeness of old Battle's legs to a rheumatic gout he was at times troubled with, and which went far to show that he was a horse of good constitution, who had been reared in the care of a Christian gentleman of rank.
While there the animal stood shivering in the pelting storm, presenting as forlorn a figure as could well be imagined, the major descended into the cabin, and soon returned, bringing with him his shattered saddle and holsters, and with an air that indicated an amount of courage almost incalculable, soon had it girthed upon his favorite animal. This done, he demanded the animal to stand firm, and, with a self confident toss of the head, mounted, to the great surprise of all who witnessed so curious an act of daring. He then braced himself in his saddle, and commenced to look defiant in the "teeth" of the gale. He had not, however, remained long in this position, when a sharp sea struck the "Two Marys," causing her to lurch to starboard, and prostrating old Battle broadside upon the deck. Nor did the sea, which was mightier than the major, vouchsafe the slightest respect for him, inasmuch as it sent him head foremost against the knight heads, and with so much force, that, had not his skull been thicker than an ordinary bombshell, there was no telling how many fragments had been made of it. As the matter now stood, it only added another proof to the many instances in which warriors owe the preservation of their lives to the thickness of their skulls. "I commend my soul to heaven, and call all present to bear witness that I die forgiving my enemies," spoke, or rather groaned the major, as his left hand rubbed convulsively over his haunches, and he cast an imploring look upward at those who had gathered about him to render succor. One of the sailors now picked him up in his arms, and laid him upon the tarpaulin of the main hatch, when, certain restoratives having been applied by Luke's wife, he soon began to scratch his head, and exhibit such other signs of animation as made it certain the country would not be deprived of his services just yet. Nor was it many minutes after he had given out such strong proofs of his willingness to meet death, when he looked piteously up at the good woman, and begged her to get to his poor beast, who was groaning loudly in his distresses, and render him such relief as his case demanded.
Great efforts were now made to raise the poor animal from his perilous position, which great work, to the no small joy of the major, was effected by putting the "Two Marys" on the other tack. Old Battle now shook the water from his mane, and as if to thank his deliverers, gave out a loud neigh. And so suddenly did this bring the major to his feet, in the full possession of his senses, that he set about thanking heaven for its kind interposition in saving him and his horse to his country, which now stood in such great danger of being dissolved into fragments, that his whole energies would be required to save it. Another thankful look cast upon those about him, and he spake and said it was, after all, but an interposition of Providence, merely for the purpose of showing how many trials great politicians had to overcome, and how necessary it was that they have heads like New Hampshire oak. And while the docile animal did penance in the teeth of the pelting storm, the major, his legs seeming to have shortened with the fall, staggered aft, and approaching me with a confidential air, said: "I respect the great reputation you have made, young man. And I think you will admit that it required no small amount of valor even to attempt such a feat as you have just witnessed. I have read many histories of great men, and they were all liable to accidents at times. But if I did not achieve what I undertook, you must bear in mind the fact, which has been established by certain philosophers who write in Putnam's Magazine, that the terrors of war are nothing to the terrors of disgrace and dishonor; and to face such a sea, mounted upon such a charger, was quite equal to advancing upon the artillery of an enemy. Now, upon my word, I am not so much bruised after all; and as the accident was not from any want of courage in me, I will presently give you an opportunity of seeing what sort of metal Major Potter is made of." Here the major paused as if to regain his thoughts, and thrust his hands into the ample pockets of his trowsers. Suddenly he remembered that he had remounted without a bridle, to which strange oversight he charged all that had happened. "Some look upon the good fortunes of others only to bewail their own condition in life, but such never was my course. I hold fame a golden treasure, which diligence can unlock, notwithstanding what is said by our great men of the little newspapers, who, like slighted lovers, always have a portfolio filled with mournful complaints against the world in general, especially if it mind its own business, and seem inclined to peace." The major concluded these remarks, for which Captain Luke Snider was inclined to set him down as not so shallow pated after all, and hastened into the cabin, for the storm had somewhat subsided, and brought forth his bridle, which he had on his faithful horse in a trice. "Pray, good friend," said I, "heed well what you do, for a good life saved is worth the reward. And if you should be thrown into the sea, heaven save the mark, what is to become of the nation?"
"A man in public life, especially if he have rank in the military, should always prove his valor to those he is called upon to serve; and as there are many ways of doing it, I have chosen this one as preferable to all others. You must, therefore, shake off your suspicions, and take notice of what I do, that you may bear testimony of my courage, whenever you are called upon to do so. I say this, knowing how curiously officious on matters of physical development are the New York politicians, among whom we shall mix, though we must take heed lest, like dogs and crows, they fall upon and devour us." He now shrugged his shoulders, and, with an air of resumed courage, again mounted his faithful beast, and, heedless of the remonstrances and entreaties of Captain Luke's wife, braced himself firmly in his saddle, drew up the reins, and sat facing the storm until he was drenched to the skin. I now began to fear he would get benumbed, and falling into the sea become a victim to his courage; but on approaching him, and appealing to him to desist, assuring him that the country could ill spare so great and wonderful a politician, he merely wiped the water from his eyes and declared his determination not to give in, but to continue thus showing the fixedness of his purpose, until the good woman called him to supper. Fortunately an incident happened, which relieved him of the peril in which he had placed himself, in order to sustain what he called the pride and honor of his profession, and it was this: While he was thus valiantly seated in his saddle, cutting so sorry a figure that every parson in the parish would, had he been seen by them, set about offering up a prayer for his soul, there appeared to windward, and bearing directly down upon us, a large brig under full sail. She came dashing on over the sea, and soon it became evident to all on board the "Two Marys" that there was danger of a collision with the stranger, who was a deeply laden Boston packet, speeding on at no less a pace than ten knots an hour. At first, the major affected not to partake of the alarm which had seized upon those on board, and said he rather relished such opportunities of displaying what he always held to be true manliness; but as the stranger approached nearer and nearer, nor swerved a hair from her course, the major was seen to cast an anxious look now and then at the companion way, as if he hoped to be abundantly rewarded for his valor by retreating to the cabin. A few minutes more, and the stranger's ponderous bows rose majestically over the seas, and bore down upon us with a velocity that threatened destruction to all on board. Being now so near that objects upon her deck were plainly visible, the major took off his hat, and, with quick gestures, commenced making signals for her to keep off. But, as if unconscious of being admonished by so distinguished a major and politician, the stranger varied not a hair from her course, but bounded forward, as if determined to come athwart of the "Two Marys," to the ruin of Captain Luke Snider and his good wife. Seeing this, the major looked confusedly for a few seconds, then alighted with extraordinary agility, and retired to the cabin, saying he would get his sword and be prepared to give the fellow a warm reception, since he believed him a Sound pirate, in search of plunder. Instead, however, of returning with his sword, he thought it as well to imitate the course pursued by so many of our valiant politicians, and quietly took a seat upon one of the lockers, where he waited with breathless suspense, as if expecting every minute to see the stranger's cutwater pierce the quarter of the "Two Marys." As for old Battle, he had left him with a benediction, to which he now added sundry prayers for his deliverance. It was not, he said, because he had any very strong fears of death, but solely in consideration of what his country would suffer by his loss.
And while the major was thus offering up his devotions, the strange brig ran close down to the "Two Marys," close hauled her sails, and passed astern with a sort of coquettish contempt for so small a craft. In truth, she mistook the sloop for a fisherman, and bore up for her in the hope of procuring some fresh caught cod; but finding she was mistaken, was glad enough to be rid of her.
"Upon my word," ejaculated the major, with an air of regained courage, for he was certain the stranger must have passed, "just let the fellow come; and if his timbers be not like iron, Major Potter will give them a shivering." The major now took down his sword, and making several strokes, as if to test the strength of his arm, swore not to lose so excellent an opportunity of making mince meat of every rascal who dared to molest the "Two Marys." Again appearing upon deck, he cast several anxious glances to windward, and then, having given his head a significant toss, inquired what had become of the stranger. "Pray, look the right way, and be not deceived with your eyes open," spoke Captain Snider, giving his head a toss, and pointing astern. "Magic, and nothing else, got him so far out of reach in so short a space," re—the major, with a flourish of his sword, at the same time declaring his readiness to give old Battle and the gifted pig, if the "Two Marys" would but go in chase of her.
"Faith, sir, I think it would be as well to let peace reign between you; for though the "Two Marys" is as staunch a craft as ever floated, and might with safety be put upon the chase, I am not so sure what time she would come up. And if you will be cool for the present, I promise in due time you shall have a chance at an enemy big enough to test your metal; but it must not be said that blood has been shed on board of my packet; for I am a poor man, and, heaven save us, if I should be brought to trial in New York, but it would go hard with me, for I have heard it said that there the rich may murder, but the poor only are punished for such crimes."
"As you are absolute in command," rejoined the major, with a low bow, "and refuse me this opportunity of showing my skill as a soldier, perhaps it is as well, seeing that discretion is always the better part of valor, and in consideration of what I have already achieved, I may put up my sword until larger game offers."
HAVING generously given up all hope of a tussle with the strange brig, the major sheathed his sword, and with a condescension worthy of our very noisy senator in Congress from Arkansas, betook himself to feeding his favorite pig, who was demanding his supper in the loudest squeals his lungs were capable of. "Wonderful as it may seem," whispered the major, confidentially, "no great man, with a vigorous understanding, would hold these little kind acts damaging to his reputation as a politician; whereas history teaches that little men without reputation are for ever disturbed, lest the company they fall into be not equal to their condition. But one must not be surprised at this, since great mental powers are now exhausted over sausage suppers, and the smallest minds have got to managing Congress, and through Congress the nation, by mere stratagem. You may think, sir, that I meddle with what does not concern me; but you must bear in mind that I am a man of the people; and though I have compassion for those little minds that so flit and flicker about Congress, I am not so well pleased when they play purse-mouse to the great rogues of the lobby, who would sell the nation's honor for gold enough to save them from honest labor." Here the major patted his pig gently upon the head, as the animal seemed inclined to return such kindness. He then said it afforded him grateful satisfaction to contemplate an animal of such excellent qualities, especially when contrasted with that herd running about Congress devouring the vitals of the nation.
This strange speech took all on board by surprise, for not even Captain Luke, who had seen him perform some singular offices, would have believed him capable of such sound logic. In truth, had he been any other than Major Roger Potter, the captain had set him down for a profound philosopher. But he had more than once heard it hinted that the major, when performing one of his political feats, had himself played no very inconsiderable part as lobby agent to Congress, where his reputation as a great rogue caused his services to be in much demand.
It was now in the dusk of evening, the Two Marys was shaping her course for the north shore, the wind had subsided, and the sea moved lazily along in unbroken swells. Supper was announced, and Major Roger Potter hastened into the cabin, saying: "It is as well that we eat, for though I feel a qualm coming over me now and then, which seriously disturbs my temper, I must not forget that food may cure the ills of my head." Having cast several scrutinizing glances over the humble fare Luke's wife had prepared, and for the quality of which she offered innumerable excuses, saying they were yet poor, and could not afford better, the major rolled his little blinking eyes upwards, laid his hat carefully upon the locker, and with one of his best fashioned bows, and in obedience to what true gallantry demanded, bestowed upon Luke's wife a compliment which, I venture to say, there is nothing upon record to compare with it, though such things are exceedingly cheap with the profession of which he claimed to be so renowned a member. "Madam," said he, clasping his hands over his belly, the globular of which had changed somewhat, "though I am a politician and a soldier, both of which professions require the exercise of great understanding, I can dispense courtesies when they are deserved. The supper you have here set out is fit for a prince, and worthy of you as the wife of our gallant commander. In truth, madam, I have long held that there is no office in which woman can so well display the greatness of her power, as in the preparation of a good supper, and this art I would have them perfect, instead of writing sensation novels for publishers, who think of nothing but setting the nation by the ears, and putting money in their pockets. If she be good at working a shirt, heavens! but she will be a blessing to the man who weds her, for our fashionable damsels can neither knit nor sew, and seem fit only for putting carefully away in glass cases." Captain Luke listened to the delivery of this speech with dogged silence. In truth, he harbored a suspicion that military men were a little too free with their courtesies to other men's wives, and that it was just as well to keep a jealous eye upon them. He therefore desired the major to sit down and eat such as was set before him, and thank God, for such was better than wasting so much ceremony.
"I see, sir," returned the major, "that you do not draw your logic from experience, for to praise that which is good, and not that which is bad, as our critics do, is to prove yourself a well bred gentleman." The major having concluded his reply, drew from his pocket a metal comb, and commenced combing his coarse red beard, when after he had arranged it to his satisfaction, he took a seat at the table, where he devoured the viands with such evident appetite as to surprise and astonish every one present. And this further increased the captain's dislike of him, for it concerned him much, lest his stores run out ere his voyage was at an end. As for the rest, it afforded them much amusement to see him play so active a part in devouring the food. "I am not a subject for jest, I would have you all know," said the major, with an air of much displeasure. "It never was charged upon me that I was a man of ill temper; or that I was a man easily given to quarrels; and as these things are surely true, so it will not do for you to trifle with my respectability. There must also be that difference between us which my military position demands." The sternness of these remarks, and the great gravity with which they were delivered, produced a silence that lasted for several minutes, and likewise so confounded me that I began to think his brain was not so much at fault after all. Each in turn now broke silence by offering an apology, and treated him with so much consideration, that he arose from his seat in the very best humor possible, saying that as they had set so good an example, he must acknowledge that he was sorry for what he had said, and hoped they would set it down to his quick impulses, which, though incident to the feelings of a good soldier, were marvelously apt to lead him astray. He now remembered that he had left his bridle and holsters upon old Battle, and repaired upon deck to relieve him of the burden, which he did with much care and many caresses.
At ten o'clock, the major, who was not a little anxious lest the "Two Marys" should come in collision with some larger craft, undressed and retired to his berth, where the trouble of the nation ceased for a time to distract his brain. All now went smoothly on until midnight, when, it being Luke's wife's watch on deck, the major awoke from his first nap, and hearing his pig running about the deck, making divers noises, as if in great distress, hastened to his relief in a condition not easily described in this history. The pig seeing the major in pursuit of him, ran aft with a mischievous grunt, and was evidently inclined to seek a shelter under the honest woman's garments. And in fear of a liberty by no means sanctioned in books of true politeness, she gave out a loud scream just as the major, unconscious of the state he was in, for he was too gallant a soldier to have exposed himself to a female, not even in the starlight, tripped over a rope and fell against her with such force that both came to the deck, and with so much noise as to bring Captain Luke, (who would have sworn some strange craft was grinding the timbers out of the "Two Marys,") immediately to the rescue. Unfortunately for the gallant major, he had fallen uppermost, and in a position where the binnacle light threw a curious shadow over that part of his person he was most scrupulous in protecting, as are all military gentlemen of quality. I think it may be said, without disparagement to this history, that neither Alexander, nor Napoleon, nor Wellington, nor, indeed, any of the great warriors, whose deeds historians have recorded with so much ostentation, ever met with so strange an accident, or one which led to so many embarrassments. And although Captain Luke had never had occasion to doubt the chastity of his wife, whose face, being as ugly as could well be conceived, he had always held to be an adequate protection, his first impulse now was to take summary revenge for what he considered an unwarrantable trespass upon his rights. Thereupon he seized a club, and in the heat of his passion, and without malice aforethought, or even giving the major time to extricate himself, he took what his eyes saw for granted, and so belabored him about the head and shoulders as to render him speechless.
"Base villain!" exclaimed the Captain, "if your life was worth it, I-yes, I would think no more of taking it—you fish blooded vagabond! First attempt to make free with my poor wife, and then aggravate me by declaring your innocence!" Being a man of great strength, the captain got his wife out from under the major, whose blood was running freely, and set her upon her feet, in an almost fainting condition. The affair, though singularly desperate, was but the work of a minute; and when I reached the deck, the "Two Marys" was in the wind, Captain Luke was consoling his wife, the pig was running about the deck in great tribulation, and my companion in pursuit of fame lay weltering in his gore. Even old Battle had given out signs of alarm, and such was the state of confusion prevailing on board, that it required no small stock of courage to bring matters to a requisite understanding. I stooped over the major to ascertain exactly how many bones were broken, and as I did so, Captain Luke commanded that he be thrown into the sea.
"Yes, and let his traps follow, for I verily believe his pig possessed of the devil, who has thrown an evil spell over the wind, of which we have scarce had a fair puff since we left," he exclaimed.
Hearing this command, the major began at once to give out signs of returning consciousness, and whispered that though he had received grievous damage to his head, and seriously believed there was not a whole bone in his body, he thought he might yet be sufficiently restored to settle his worldly concerns. Indeed he had during his whole life made it a point never to shut the door against life, but to so nurse the remaining vitality as to make it take its longest run, so that one's days in the land be as long as possible.
ALMOST the first words spoken by the recovering woman were, "Husband, now that I have collected my senses, and come to remember how it all happened, I feel you have done grievous wrong to the poor man, for truly it was no fault of his."
"Fault of his!" exclaimed the captain, interrupting her in surprise. "Pray, whose fault was it then? Did I not see him with my eyes, and in his shirt? The devil take me but if it was you who seduced such an ill begotten thing, I will soon wash my hands of such a wife, though she had borne me a score or more of children."
"Listen, dear husband," replied the good woman, her eyes swimming in tears, "and lay nothing wrong at my door, while your anger has got your reason; for I know you will suffer most when you come to know the cause of all the bruising you have given the poor man." The major now gave out a series of pitiful groans, and so bemoaned his fate, that even the hardest heart must have dissolved into sympathy for him. And though he had no sooner gained the use of his tongue than he declared by all the saints in the calendar, not less than six of his ribs were broken, and that his skull had received, on a square guess, half that number of fractures, neither a rib was found disturbed, nor the slightest fracture in his skull. The blood had flowed from flesh cuts, which only required a little dressing to restore his head to its original good condition. Ordering a sheet brought, I threw it over the major, got him upon a seat near the companion way, and commenced dressing his wounds, while one of the sailors held the lantern. "Providence, which directs all things, and more especially the movements of the soldier, must have ordained me this bruising, else I should not have got it," said the major, shaking his head admonishingly, and casting upon me a look of deep mortification. Ever and anon wiping his nose, as if uncomfortable about that organ, he expressed considerable anxiety lest his face should have got scarred; for he was as vain of his personal appearance as a great New York general I have in my eye, but whose acts of heroism have never got beyond the columns of the almost pious newspaper he edits. Being assured he was in no way disfigured about the face, he raised his hands, and called heaven to bear witness that he never in all his life concerted wrong against his friend's wife, though he had had amours enough, God knows. He then commenced to give an account of how he came in the questionable predicament for which he got the bruising, saying, that in his anxiety to secure Duncan, who, he feared, might get overboard, he entirely overlooked the scanty nature of his raiment, for which he was ready to offer an apology, and swear that all beyond that arose from the great misfortune of having tripped his toe. All this the good woman was ready to confirm with an oath, if such had been necessary; but indeed it was not, for the very simplicity of the recital so affected Captain Luke Snider, that he would have gone upon his knees, and offered no end of atonement for the wrong he had done him, had not the major reached out his hand, and with a magnanimity truly wonderful, declared there could be no stronger evidence that they were both gentlemen, than by settling their differences in a quiet way. And if one condescended to offer an apology, the other ought at once to accept it condescendingly.
If, then, Captain Snider had shown great agility in seriously damaging the major, he now lost no time in bringing balms to heal his wounds, and rendering him such other services as his condition demanded. The good woman, too, was not a whit behind any of them; for on regaining her equanimity, she busied herself bringing liquids and linen, and so bound the major's head with plasters and bandages, (two of which were crossed over his nose,) as to make it present a pitiful picture. Indeed his whole stock of valor was gone, and no one would have recognized the head with the two little eyes blinking through the cross bands as that of so renowned a military man as Major Roger Sherman Potter was known to be. He now thanked heaven that it was no worse; and having asked several questions concerning the safety of his horse and pig, said, he verily believed greatness was better illustrated in what a man suffered than in what he did on the field of battle—an opinion which seems to be largely shared by the adventurous heroes of this day, since the more they are vanquished the more they value their own greatness. Notwithstanding this, it must be confessed he had a slight misgiving as to whether his military dignity remained undamaged, since the blows were inflicted with a club, and not a sword. And, again, it afforded him consolation to think that the greatest men known to history had suffered great rebuffs while doing the world service.
The Two Marys was now well in shore, and being apprehensive lest the major's condition should take an unlucky turn, Captain Luke resolved to steer for Tarpaulin Cove, where the aid of a physician could be called in, if necessary, and also a fresh stock of pumpkin pies procured. For though the major had been got nicely into his berth, his dosing was accompanied with sudden spasms, arising from acute pain.
The sloop now continued on her course without anything remarkable occurring, and arrived at Tarpaulin Cove about nine o'clock on the following morning. And, notwithstanding the major was up and apparently quite comfortable, for he was suffering most from the wounds in his dignity, he refused either to go on shore, or to have a physician called to dress his wounds. Nor did he lisp a single word about having resided at the Cove not many years ago, where he pursued the business of a dealer in melons and onions, which he suddenly abandoned, whether for want of success or otherwise, was not generally known among his creditors, who had remained ignorant of his whereabouts up to this day, though it was more than once given out, that he had taken to the trade of a "critic of books," and was in the employ of a New York publisher.
Indeed the major was not only silent on the subject of his residence at Tarpaulin Cove, but expressed great impatience to get away from it, saying, that as his friends in New York would be waiting his arrival in great suspense, no time ought to be lost along the road. And when he saw the boat coming off with a stock of fresh provisions and the doctor, he retired to the cabin, and there quietly engaged his thoughts over an old newspaper. The doctor was a rough sort of man, and, although he had given much time to the study of medicine, and was celebrated for the purgatives with which he killed his patients, while preserving the gravest demeanor, could not suppress a smile when brought to confront the major, at the sorry figure he cut in the bandages. "The case seems more serious than I had hoped to find it-an eighth of an inch only saved the cerebral; but I hope there is no fracture, for that would incur one of those delicate and peculiarly dangerous operations it has not fallen to my lot to perform for so many years, that I fear it would not become me to undertake it, though I was at one time celebrated for my skill, and indeed made my reputation on these sort of cases," said the physician, taking a small packet from his pocket, and advancing a few steps toward the major, who moved away apace, and applied himself more assiduously to his newspaper. The doctor was at a loss how to account for this movement on the part of the invalid, and turning round to the captain, begged he would say to the gentleman, that he came not of his own accord. In fine, that it was rather to pay his compliments to such distinguished persons as he had been informed were on board.
"As to that, Mr. Doctor," replied the major, who overheard what was said, "if you will but leave me your good will, I think I may venture to get along without your plasters and purgatives, for my constitution remains undamaged by such things." The doctor now came to the conclusion that he had been made the victim of a joke, and, quickly retreating to the deck, he demanded five dollars of the captain for the visit, admonishing him in no very amiable terms of the consequences, in case he refused. But the captain had not five dollars to his back, though, as he expressed it, he had good staunch property enough to buy a village in Rome. "Then put me ashore!" said the doctor, "and I will see what virtue there is in the Squire." He was soon set on shore, with the loss of nothing but his temper, which is either the cheapest or the dearest thing in the world to lose, but which may be regained at any time by applying to the village parson. The anchor was then got up, and with a fine, fair wind, the "Two Marys" continued on her voyage, to the great joy of the major, who now began to relate certain things concerning his residence in Tarpaulin Cove, where, according to his account, he had held the high office of Justice of the Peace, and given such eminent satisfaction in the administration of justice, that his name became famous all over the state. As to the doctor, whose name was Killsly, the major described him as as arrant a rascal as ever compounded nostrum or thrust pill down the throat of unwilling patient. "You may have thought my conduct toward that man unusual, considering the habitual courtesy of my profession," said the major, addressing the captain, "but I hold it right, that a man of honor should treat a great knave, which I knew him to be, precisely in the manner I did. Killsly, it was found, shortly after he came to live at the Cove, had been an abortionist in New York, where he dashed about in a livery of great brightness, and had a purloined crest of so curious a device that no one could make out what it meant, though several had applied to Mr. Hayes, of Broadway, who supplied the wives of grocers and linen drapers with arms and crests, (as the dwellers in Snob Avenue have it,) charging only four shillings and sixpence for his services, including advice as to what color the livery ought to be. Killsly was in high favor with what is there called fashionable society, which, out of sheer respect for his skill, afforded him no few opportunities for the exercise of it. At length he got mixed up in a singularly delicate but very common difficulty, which rendered it desirable to make a change of residence. Well, he came to the Cove, and here might have lived as every good man ought to live, loving God and keeping his fingers out of his neighbor's affairs; but a damsel, who tossed her feathers at the rustics of the village, and would coquette only with city beaux, chanced to be overtaken by a by-blow and had need of his skill, it being necessary to protect her virtue, which her friends described as being whiter than snow. But death, which scruples not in such matters, betrayed the secret, and sent the whole village into a fever. There being no doubt of Killsly's guilt in the matter, I thereupon had him arrested and brought before me; and, being the guardian of public morality, I ordered him to prison, there to await the sitting of the County Court. Believe me, gentlemen, I would, as I failed not to tell him, have had him well hanged, had the case been left entirely with me. But I leave it to others to speak of the justice of my judgments. Now, though I say it, he called me a fool; and for that it would have gone hard with him, since society can well afford to lose all such vagabonds. But justice was weak in the screws, and he at last escaped between what is called a flaw in the indictment and the ingenuity of his lawyer, as is generally the case with such knowing fellows." All this and much more, the major said, and would have sworn it true. The sailors listened with grave demeanor, and were surprised and amazed at what they considered his extraordinary wisdom.
THE judicious and forgiving reader will, I am sure, join me in approving the facility with which the major regained his stock of courage, (lost when entering Tarpaulin Cove,) on hearing that the politicians of New York had determined on making him a hero of no mean parts, and were devising a grand programme for our reception. And this consoling news I read to him from that very enterprising and extremely reliable journal, the New York Herald, a copy of which I got of the parson, who was its Tarpaulin Cove correspondent, and admired it much for its mingling of divine and human things, as well as the amount of honey the editor always mixed with his brimstone. The Common Council had, according to this sagacious journal, held a meeting, and, at the expense of much unintelligible oratory and disorder, passed a resolution appropriating five thousand dollars for the purpose of giving us a reception worthy of either Cicero or Washington. And this was to be entirely in consideration of the great public services we had rendered the country.
And it was further resolved, and therein set forth, that Aldermen Pennyworth, of the Sixth Ward, and Brandybottom, of the Second, together with Councilmen Bluster and Sputter, (the last named gentleman being clever at a speech,) be a committee of reception, invested with power to draw up and present a suitable address on behalf of the citizens of "this great metropolis." It was also resolved, in a flourish of speech utterly unknown in anything ever attempted by Choate, that the mayor, who, though he contemplated himself the greatest of potentates, was famous only for commanding an unruly police to bludgeon the heads of peaceable citizens, should publicly receive us at the City Hall.
This news so elated the major, that he commenced running about the deck, after the manner of a madman. He next tore the bandages from his head, and swore though his eyes were disfigured, his body remained in most excellent condition. As to persecutions, all great men ought to endure them with humility, for they were only the forerunners of great honors. He therefore resolved to say no more of the scars, but, in proof of his faith, to for ever esteem Captain Luke Snider a public benefactor, and to set about commending himself to the consideration of all good citizens, for therein, as he conceived, lay the virtue of true eminence. And now that he had a horse of such excellent parts, and a pig whose rare gifts, (did the critics do him justice,) must prove invaluable, he flattered himself he was fairly on the road to fortune, and might safely leave the rest to the hero makers of New York.
I must inform the honest reader, that great value was set by the Common Council upon the fact, that the major had transferred his affections from the whig to the democratic party, which could not fail to shed a lasting luster upon its principles. Two honest Hibernian members of the very common board of very uncommon councilmen, had, with that modesty so characteristic of them, paid me the high compliment of saying, that I had been justly styled the great northern political war horse. I could not suppress a blush at seeing myself cut so strange a figure, inasmuch as the flourish of speech was such as had never been thought of by Aristotle, and would have paled even Henry Clay. Let no man, therefore, doubt the truth of what I here say; for I am not given to writing satires, preferring to wait until heaven shall send me some nobler mission. Nor would I have the reader express surprise, that persons so humble as the major and myself should be thus suddenly subjected to the process of hero making so much in fashion with the forty thousand idlers and politicians of New York, who have graciously taken upon themselves the directing of all public affairs, seeing that good men are so engaged in the getting of gold as to care not a whit if the devil get all their liberties. And if the reader have read the histories of Greece and Rome, wherein it is written that he only was made a hero who had achieved some great undertaking, and thereby conferred lasting honors upon his country, his surprise may be increased at the strange elements of character necessary to a hero at this day. But I humbly beg him to consider the circumstances of these forty thousand idlers and other politicians, who, having no employment for their fingers, let the devil direct their brains, and have turned hero making into a commerce of so cheap a quality, that no good christian can be got to engage in it. In fine, (and it is no vulgar invention of my brain,) the virtues required of an hero at this day, are that he have been a great marauder, who, having invaded the country of a poor, down trodden people, driven them from their quiet homes, plundered them of their property, ravished their daughters, drenched their fields with the blood of the innocent, and whitened the highways with the bones of his own dissolute but deluded followers, and spread desolation over the land, had to leave it a vanquished miscreant. And upon the principle, that if you give power to the idle and reckless they will make heroes to suit their kind and circumstances, he will then be received at the Battery with a great waste of powder, and such other noisy demonstrations as shall please the unruly. From thence he shall be conveyed in a shabby carriage, drawn by four lean horses, escorted by six firemen in red shirts, and preceded by two Dutch drummers with serious faces, and long, light beards, and a dyspeptic negro fifer, through sundry of our most crowded streets. And there shall follow him a procession of urchins, so abject in raiment that all peaceable lookers on will wonder where they came from, and how it happened that in a city so well supplied with water their unclean appearance, and the evident satisfaction they derived from scratching, was a sight for the eyes to behold. The hero must be careful to admonish the two or three ex-aldermen who accompany him, that it will not do to expose the necks of bottles in their pockets during their passage through the streets; he must also be sure to deliver his bows with becoming grace, and to keep his right hand upon his heart, (if he have one,) giving the mob to understand that therein beats his love for righting wronged humanity. Nor will he lose anything in reputation, if he exercise great courtesy in returning those manifestations of approbation which are become so common with enthusiastic chambermaids, who flourish napkins from third and fourth story windows, and are mistaken by the uninitiated for damsels of quality with delicately perfumed cambrics. And as he let nothing slip through his fingers while bathing in blood the homes of the people he had made wretched, so must he now comfort himself with the assurance, that the uproar of the rabble constituting his train is all cheers sent up by the honest people in admiration of his wonderful exploits. And, being free from every restraint or obligation, he may, with advantage to himself, recur to the deeds of C‘sar and Alexander, (not forgetting to remember Cicero,) to which he may compare his own. He can then sneer at your people of quality, and having sufficient cause, prepare himself for a speech of extraordinary eloquence, in which he need have no fear of profaning, for his hearers will stand amazed, and think how mighty a thing it is to be a hero.
I would also advise him to give his thoughts entirely to himself, and be careful not to betray them with his words, lest some ambitious critic set them down and use them at some future day to his damage. He must likewise sufficiently eulogize the companions in his exploits; and though they were true to nothing but debauchery and their own conceits, it will serve him best if he tell distressing tales of their patriotism. And above all, he will be wholly deficient in rendering himself justice, if he do not set forth with the very best of his rhetoric, how much he is misrepresented by the press, which will persist in calling him a monster, when in truth he is a servant of heaven, sent upon earth to raise the fallen. And when he shall have been drawn through a sufficient number of streets, and the eyes of the curious shall have been gratified, and the dyspeptic fifer has exhausted his wind, and, together with the Dutch drummers, can no longer invest the jaded train with a martial spirit, then, if the lean animals have strength enough left in their dilapidated frames, the cort‚ge, as it is well called, may proceed into the Park, where the hero, if it do not rain, may take off his hat to the multitude of rejected humanity, (such as ragged politicians and wasted vagrants,) there assembled. Having paused a few moments, (to the great impatience of his shattered admirers,) that the aldermen who accompanied him may quench their thirst, he will alight amidst the huzzas of the throng and ascend the platform, built for the occasion by an enthusiastic carpenter. An ex-alderman, of dogged deportment, whom the clamorous mob greet with the title of judge, will welcome him in an address, (he will read it by the light of a tallow candle, held in the hand of a corpulent councilman,) written by a well starved critic on the Times newspaper, and for which service he (the said starved critic) was promised five dollars. The hero will undoubtedly take it for granted, that he is as great a general as he is there set down; nor must he be amazed if he find it written of him, that the noble deeds of which he is the champion far outshine all that has heretofore been set down in history. In fine, he must receive each compliment with a gracious bow, remembering that they are employed with the sincerity so characteristic of our gravest politicians. It being customary, I make no doubt the address will be received with "deafening applause," though it were impossible those present could hear one word of it. The reading will then conclude with twenty thousand voices spontaneously calling for the hero, who must rise with great gravity, and, having surveyed the dilapidated throng, proceed to respond in a speech of at least half an hour long. While delivering himself of this speech, he must be careful not to think of the gray haired fathers and mourning orphans he has left to mingle their tears over the devastation he inflicted upon their country, lest it damage his rhetoric. But he must declare that he is overwhelmed with the honors thus showered upon him by an assemblage so respectable. Of course he will not forget to mention, that his emotions have quite deprived him of the power, even if he had the capacity, of expressing his gratitude for this very unexpected manifestation of their approbation. And this peroration he must end, with complimenting the virtue and discretion, the self sacrificing devotion, and the high purposes of the motley assemblage, who are meanwhile getting up numerous fights for their more immediate amusement.
The drummers and fifer having refreshed themselves, the hero must be got carefully into the carriage by his generals and adjutant generals in waiting, when the four lean horses, who were comforted with oats during the delivery of the speeches, will draw him up Broadway to the tune of "The dead I left behind me!" It being after nightfall, when the balconies of heaven are filled with black, warlike clouds, it will be necessary that the train proceed with torchlights, which are an essential part of the ovation to all great heroes. These generally consist of thirteen lighted tallow candles and two transparencies, in the manufacture of which six shillings were expended for as many yards of Lowell cotton, sufficient to supply shirts to the unwashed Hibernians who bear them. The torchlights, as is customary, must be carried by hatless and shoeless urchins, who will feel great pride in the service, and have no scruple at scrambling for the pennies thrown them by the mischievous who line the sidewalk. The transparencies must also bear the significant motto, "Welcome to the brave." All this and much more being done, the hero will have arrived at one of our most fashionable hotels, where splendid apartments have been prepared for him; and for which the cunning landlord was careful to get his pay in advance. As those who follow such trains and such heroes have an habitual aversion to water, its diminution or increase on arriving at the hotel will depend very much on the state of the weather. But no true hero will for a moment think of entering his hotel unless all the ambitious chambermaids in it are grouped upon its balconies, and its entrances so lined with pickpockets, that it becomes absolutely necessary that his generals force a passage. The crowd outside will then greet his advance up stairs with much shouting, interspersed with demands for a speech, which, on partaking of a well compounded punch, in which his generals will not forget to join him, seeing that he is their only worldly stock in trade left, he may manifest his willingness to receive friends of distinction. This being regarded as an oversight by his most famous general, and the corpulent alderman, he will be reminded that the safety of the building is really in danger from the enthusiasm of the citizens outside, who refuse to go peaceably to their homes until he appears before them on the balcony, where they can offer him their homage, and hear from his lips at least three speeches. All this being done to the entire satisfaction of his admirers, then let him snap his fingers at your unprogressive gentlemen of quality, (who are much given to sneering,) and comfort himself that "the people" are always right. The torchbearers having exhausted their pennies as well as their patriotism, and the peaceable intervention of a shower having dispersed the mob, the hero, satisfied he has received every honor a grateful people can bestow, will, as is customary, betake himself much fatigued to his apartments, where he must remain in consultation with his generals and a few select friends, (on the grave question of what is to be done next?) until two o'clock in the morning, or, perhaps, until Aurora begins to open her windows in the east or the expert bar tender has wearied of mixing libations not even the most self-complacent of the generals has a shilling to pay for. This sad state of affairs being reported to head quarters, the hero will, unless the aldermen present pledge the city for security, hasten to his cot, and having snuffed out his candle get quietly to bed.
Having overstepped the limits of my chapter in these few remarks upon our present system of hero making, the reader must look for something better in the next chapter, and accept for apology the fact that I have written of things I have seen, out of sheer love for the truth of history. In perusing this subject, I had almost forgotten to remark, that the hero, though he have gone quietly to bed, will not be considered at the very apex of his fame until the men of the newspapers, with their usual love of enterprise in journalism, shall have written down and published to the world (they, it must not be overlooked, follow close at the heels of the torch bearers) all that was said and done, not even forgetting to mention how delicately the horses raised their tails when occasion required.