SEVERAL days had elapsed, the general's letter was before the cabinet, and many were the speculations as to what sort of a mission a man with such strange intellect was capable of filling. It must be confessed that his letter afforded the cabinet no little diversion; indeed, many were the members who marvelled at the queer mixture of sense and nonsense it contained. And the more they amused themselves in pondering over it, the more did they seem to find veins of good sense concealed in it. If, then, one agreed he was fool enough to be harmless in his associations with the people to whom he might be accredited, certainly if sent to some obscure and remote part of the earth, he had sense enough for the small service that would be required of him as a diplomatist. And as a dumb man could perform some excellent parts when left to himself, and was sure not to get into mischief from the too free use of his tongue, so also would there be peace between nations, the representatives of which would not understand each other. Another agreed that it were strange indeed that a man who had been so feted by the authorities of New York, and was represented by the newspapers as having rendered such important services to his party should apply for a mission so obscure. But on further consideration this was set down to his credit; for it was held that though he might be wild and extravagant in some things, he had at least the virtue of being modest in his demands, which was rare in office-seekers at this day. Further, there could not be a doubt but that he was one of those persevering gentlemen who would give the department much annoyance with his importunities, and the shortest method of getting rid of him would be to give him the mission. It was, therefore, jocularly agreed to grant his prayer; and the Secretary was forthwith charged to prepare his instructions and provide him with the necessary credentials.
A few days passed, and divers correspondents of newspapers famous for getting early news flashed over the wires, to the no small surprise of the nation, the important intelligence that General Roger Sherman Potter was appointed "charge de affairs" to the King of the Kaloramas. And this bit of very important news set many gentlemen well-read in geography to puzzling their wits to find out the exact location of this wonderful kingdom. Nor could they divine what benefit it was to be the good fortune of our government to derive from such a strange mission, though diplomacy had so many intricate labyrinths that it were impossible for the ordinary mind to keep trace of all its objects. If, thought many, Kalorama were a wild of uncultivated deserts, upon which the burning rays of a tropical sun beat without clemency, he who would face its terrors must have the courage of a dragon. But none of these trifles disturbed the equanimity of the general, who regarded this appointment in the light of another feather in his fame. He also had the good sense not to go into raptures over his appointment; but to follow out the instructions given him by Glanmoregain, who took a more comprehensive, if not a strictly diplomatic, view of the matter and its future results.
The government did, also, in the kindest manner, grant the general's prayer that Mr. Tickler (of whose gallantry and great learning he spoke in praises that would have secured a dozen appointments,) be appointed his secretary. Nothing then remained but the approval of the Senate; and as he reposed quite as much in his extraordinary value to the nation as that wonderful Wall Street general who now and then sends forth a whole gasometer of diplomacy from his little sanctum, so also did he, having got his appointment safe between his thumbs, snap his fingers at the Senate. In truth, he set an extravagant value upon his worth to the nation, and the honor that would be conferred upon it in having so great a general to represent it abroad! His most absorbing thought, then, was how he could make the most speed in getting to the place of his appointment, where he already began to fancy himself committing no end of diplomatic exploits, as a pink and flower of a general ought to do.
And now, feeling the tremendous demands of the nation upon his shoulders, and fancying every eye turned upon him, he drew his chair beside Tickler one day, and spoke as follows: "Friend, you shall know more of me when you have been longer in my service. I have already made you a great man; for as you know by this time, the office of Secretary to my legation is great enough in all conscience. Some men have a stomach for office like a cormorant, which is a serious scourge to the nation. Pray, sir, if you have a turn that way, get rid of it before another moon."
"By my honor, general, I've no such craving; for I was content enough before I saw you to live a poor critic, and never thought of being a Secretary. But tell me, what sort of a king is this we are sent to; for with all my reading I have never heard of him before?"
"By Heavens, sir! I know as little of him as yourself; but I take it he is a savage who it will require some fighting before he yields to all the demands I shall make of him."
"Now as to this fighting, your honor may excuse me; for though I have knocked a man or two down with my stick, and will turn my back to no man in valor at pen-fighting, I have no liking for these knives and pistols, for at best there is only an inch or two between them and a man's life."
"You must cultivate your courage, friend Tickler; you must cultivate your courage!" interposed the general, as Mr. Tickler quietly drew a fresh cigar from his pocket. "The day is come when, if a man would live in a mansion, he must have an undaunted heart, and courage enough to commend himself to whatever may turn to his advantage. You shall have chances enough to fill your pockets with gold. And now that we have these government matters to attend to, you shall soon see that General Roger Potter can manage a nation as well as any of them, if the clergy but let him alone."
"As to the gold, general, I pray the day may soon come; for I like to feel something in my pocket, which is lean enough now," rejoined the critic, casting an anxious look at his chief.
"Trust to fortune, and I warrant you a castle and so much gold that every malicious scribbler you have had a tilt with shall speak ill of you."
Tickler was inclined to look upon the castle as one of those he had so many times built of air, and declared that in addition to not having enough to buy a cigar, he had several times caught the landlord's eye, and knew that his bill was uppermost in his thoughts.
"Remember, friend," resumed the general, "the law will not let him hang you; and as he has been paid for one week, I take it there will be no moral harm if you shell him out of the rest, as you did the widow. Nor does it discover great valor in a man that he arm himself with his fears instead of his sword. It is necessary that you be firm and fearless, never for a moment deserting your chief, and always standing ready to do his bidding, if it be to make his enemies dance."
"Love of my mother, sir!" ejaculated Tickler, "you would not have me shell this landlord; for then it would get into the newspapers, and I'd be set down for a great rogue."
"Sharp fellow as he is, I take you, friend Tickler, for a sharper. And as you had skill enough to shell a widow, pray let your inclination take a natural turn, and if you cannot shell this fellow out of so small a trifle, then I am much mistaken in your qualities for a diplomatist; for I can tell you that it is come a fashion at this day for all our first-class secretaries to get well in debt, and then leave their creditors to whistle. Now, as my purse is getting low, and it will not do to let the nation suffer, do you pack up a couple of shirts, and heeding nobody, pass down the avenue, affecting the unconcern of the new member from Georgia; and when you have reached the cars (if any man say aught, tell him you are seeing a friend off) go quietly away in them, thanking Heaven for the bountiful examples that have been set you by high officials. Here! here are ten dollars; get speedily away, and I will join you in Baltimore. Fail not to meet me, for the nation needs all our efforts, and this is no time to trifle."
Tickler revolved this matter over and over in his mind; then he remembered how many ladies there were esteeming him for a gallant Irish gentleman. If this affair got into the newspapers, he thought, it might seriously damage him with the sex, of whose good opinion none could be more scrupulous. Suddenly he remembered that he was now Secretary of Legation, and with the examples set by several of his illustrious predecessors, he was not long in concluding there could be no harm in taking to his heels, and letting the landlord's concern about his bill offset for the shabby table he set. Also, the general had promised to make him as good a soldier as he had been a critic! And the ten dollars would, if he chanced not to meet some damsel of his acquaintance by the way, be enough for him to live fashionably for at least a week.
"It is well enough to think of your honor, friend Tickler; I think none the worse of you for that. But when you have disappeared I will raise my hands and swear there has been foul play; that you have been waylaid and despatched (having a full purse in your pocket) by those murdering villains who infest the city; that the government had better bestir itself in the matter." Thus spoke the general; and soon they settled the matter between them, and Mr. Tickler, consoling himself that the landlord was a shabby fellow, proceeded forthwith to the cars, and was soon on the road to Baltimore.
Several days elapsed, and, as might naturally be expected, a great stir was made about Mr. Tickler's strange disappearance, concerning which the general expressed great anxiety, offering to put up at least a thousand dollars as a reward to any person who would clear up the mystery. One declared he had seen Tickler in company with General Sam Houston; another was willing to swear in court that he saw him last in the company of Senator Douglas; and still another would have sworn he saw him on the day after his departure in the company of one Dabney Grimkey, a writer of sensation novels; and that both were entering a house of suspicious character, on the island, the inmates of which ought all to be arrested and made to give an account of themselves. Indeed, simpleton as the major was, he had cunning enough for the whole of them, and initiated his diplomatic career by dispelling all their suspicions. I ought, however, to except the landlord, whose experience in such matters caused him to have a misgiving that all was not exactly right.
When then General Potter gave notice of his intended departure, and demanded his bill, the clever landlord was careful to add the amount due from Mr. Tickler. This was quickly disputed, and as there was no law by which the host could compel payment, and the general declared he was a gentleman who only bore him company out of sheer politeness, he set to rubbing his palms in disappointment, swore no few oaths, and promised himself to be careful in future how he entertained generals traveling with secretaries. To all this the general remained unconcerned; and having but little baggage, took his departure for New York, Mr. Stretcher, who had been minutely watching his movements, following the carriage and importuning for the amount of his demand for services rendered as an adept. But the general only snapped his fingers, and reminded the adept that it was agreed between them to let so small an affair remain "an after consideration."
IT was evening when the general reached Baltimore, thanking Heaven that he was safe out of a city where it was the fashion with gentlemen who were not sharp enough to fleece the government to turn upon and fleece one another, and to let strangers look elsewhere for mercy. Elated that he was a minister, our hero took up his valise and straightway proceeded to the Gilmore House, since it would not do for so famous a diplomatist to put up at one of your shabby hotels. And here, having entered with all the pomp of his nature, he slyly whispered to the clerk who he was, and desired that he would enter his name in this wise: "General Roger Sherman Potter, Minister Plenipotentiary to the King of the Kaloramas." And this delicious bit of rodomontade being satisfactorily performed, it was with great difficulty the bystanders could restrain their laughter. Then the stubby little figure, casting a half-simple glance at every one he met, waddled up and down the hall, looking in curiously at every open door, and at times vouchsafing a bow to those he never had seen before. And when he had hobbled about to his satisfaction, he approached the desk and anxiously inquired of the clerk for his secretary, Mr. Tickler; but to his surprise and great disappointment no one at that house had heard aught of such a person.
The general was now much concerned about his secretary. All sorts of things evil and suspicious did he fancy; but they only served to increase his anxiety. In truth, it now seemed that what he had only intended for a joke when leaving Willard's might turn out a very serious affair. Some prowling villain might have slyly put him out of the way, and there was an end to all the pains and expense he had been at to instruct him in the ways of a good secretary. There was a bare possibility, however, that much as the affairs of the nation required their undivided attention, Mr. Tickler, who had in more than one instance given proof of having a touch of the gallantry common to the true Irish gentleman in his composition, might have fallen in with some damsel whose charms were stronger than the demands of the nation. But as he had reposed great trust in his secretary, so also did he find it no very difficult task to banish these suspicions. When then he had eaten his supper, which he did in great tribulation, he sallied out in the hope of obtaining some tidings of him at the various inns throughout the city. But the search proved fruitless, and he returned to the Gilmore, still more puzzled to find an explanation for so strange a mystery. He went to bed when bed-time came; but it was only to dream of wonderful exploits performed by himself in foreign lands, and awake to lament the loss of his secretary.
When then morning came he took his departure, proceeding by the early train to New York; for he held it good policy to get away as speedily as possible, lest his arrival get noised over the city and he be called upon to address some public assemblage, which might put him to great inconvenience in the absence of his secretary; for though he boasted that he had a profound way of his own for effecting purposes, he was not expert at fine writing.
While then the train swept onward toward Philadelphia, various reflections crowded upon the general's mind, and he said to himself: "Perhaps it had been as well for me to have allowed the fellow fixed wages; for, being a critic, which means that he is not a man to comprehend the greatness of rewards that may be in the future, he might have said, 'Heaven help me!' and taken to his old business." Again it flashed across his mind that if Tickler's courage was not quite up to the mark, he might have decided to try the virtue of his heels now, rather than trust them when facing a villainous enemy on the field of battle. But all these speculations proved mere hauntings of the brain; since when he arrived at the Girard House in Philadelphia, he found to his great surprise that "Mr. and Mrs. Tickler" had stopped to take dinner while passing that way a couple of days ago. "Faith of my father!" exclaimed the general, laughing in his sleeve, "either some one has told me, or I have read it in books, that all really good secretaries have a turn for these little gallantries. And if I understand the matter right, it is an excellent proof that he has the capacity for as great a secretary as any of them. In short, I have no doubt but that he is possessed of the rare faculty of giving his head to the nation, and his heart to as many damsels as may have a liking for it."
Being informed that his secretary had taken the road to New York, the general was further encouraged by the hope of meeting him there, and therefore proceeded on his journey without further concern, arriving at the St. Nicholas in due season, to the great delight of every guest in the house. Days and even weeks rolled past, but no tidings could be got of Mr. Tickler. His faithful horse was there, and had so improved as to conduct himself quite like a youth. Even his pig had not proved untrue to him. In short, Duncan was a great favorite with the public, and so many good opinions had been given of him by the critics, that Barnum proposed to purchase him outright, to the end that he might make him a feature of his museum. And although he offered for him a sum large enough to send three missionaries to Africa, the general said that the affection he bore the animal was such that he could not think of parting with him. Indeed, everything but the general's secretary seemed to have remained true to him. He now began to feel himself overwhelmed with responsibilities; for while he fancied the nation demanding great things of him on one side, the Administration urged him to prepare for Kalorama without delay. But what made the loss of Tickler more overwhelming was, that numerous and very distinguished political friends called to congratulate him on his appointment, which they described as sure to result in important advantages to the nation. Not a few proposed giving a banquet in honor of him on the eve of his departure-a custom which had become so common at this day that no distinguished minister ever thought of leaving without it. But this the general serenely declined, giving as a reason that he had heard it said how the gentlemen most busy in getting up these banquets left the payment to him who got the glory. He also had a slight recollection of what it cost him for the homage of the city fathers, and resolved to keep his fingers out of the pitch-pot for the future.
Like a good husband and a true hero, he visited his wife Polly, comforted her with a purse of gold and various other things, and gave her such a wonderful account of his successes as to make her doubt her senses. He also congratulated her that she was now the wife of a foreign minister, which would afford her the means of sending their son to the academy and their daughters to boarding school, where they would learn to play the piano, and be as fine as any of your ladies. But the good woman was affected to tears when he told her of the great distance between Barnstable and Kalorama, and only consented to his departure for that distant dominion out of respect to what every good woman ought to sacrifice for the benefit of her country. While, however, the thinking people of Barnstable were at a loss to know by what means he had got such an office, and were inclined to set it down for a joke of some waggish fellows in Washington, who were intent on testing the quality of the government for giving offices to fools, little Barnstable turned out in full force, and without the slightest respect for the great change in his fortunes, persisted in offering him a full measure of that species of ovation it was wont to pay him in times gone by.
Nearly two months had now passed; and although the newspapers frequently foretold the exact day the general would sail for the scene of his labors, nothing was heard of his secretary. It ought to be mentioned here that he occupied his time in frequent interviews with Glanmoregain, who had designs on Kalorama very different from those entertained by the government. For while the latter had furnished instructions to the general, strictly enjoining him to cultivate a good understanding with this savage king, and to impress upon his mind the advantages of peace, avoiding carefully all disputes arising between rival chiefs, the former commended a course diametrically opposite. Having riches enough at his command to overthrow a dozen such kingdoms as Kalorama, and which he promised to deal out without stint in the employment of such vagabonds as are more fond of fighting than saying their prayers, he instructed the general to first find out how many cunning priests and lawyers were in the country; what love they bore one another; whether they were renegades or natives; what influence they had over the king; and how best they could be set by the ears. And when this knowledge was thoroughly acquired, to hasten the formation of rival factions, being careful to throw the hot iron in wherever there was a chance, pleading at the same time for peace and harmony. Then if he could only get the priests at "cat-tails" with the court, which was easy enough, why, the prospect would be prodigious. Every thing must be taken in time and season; and if the lawyers were renegades, and he could get them at splits with both, he could then get some ambitious leader (one with more self-love than patriotism) just to tip him the wink, and invite him to become the champion of the strongest faction; he could then, being careful to let the cause of humanity and the spread of civil liberty be his watchword, go out with his sword sharpened, and after cutting down the existing powers, snatch up the diadem and place it upon his own head. Glanmoregain explained his various plans with such minuteness that they all became cloud and mist in the general's mind; indeed, he began to debate within himself as to the means by which he could serve two masters whose interests seemed to run in directly opposite channels. Minister Potter had, however, a ready facility for everything, and although something of a simpleton, pledged himself to carry out Glanmoregain's instructions with as many protestations of good faith as he had offered the government in proof of his sincerity. "Upon my military reputation, sir," said he, as Glanmoregain delivered to him a packet containing his instructions, "it will not take me long to get things as you want them. Say only that you want a dozen more such kingdoms, and I warrant to have them in your pocket in less time than it would take you to walk up Wall Street. But pray, sir, as to these vagabonds you speak of, take care that they be not men who have no fear of the devil and want all to be generals."
And when the merchant and his general had got all these little government matters so nicely compounded that they began to feel whole kingdoms between their fingers, the former took his departure and left the latter to himself. There were now only three days remaining before the general's departure; and as the government had vessels enough fouling their copper in our harbors, it was ordered that one be detached to convey the general to his place of destination. While then he was sitting puzzling his brain how to get a secretary who could manage the newspapers and attend to the duties of his office, and was ready to believe that Mr. Tickler had been foully murdered, that gentleman made his appearance, and gave so strange an excuse for his absence that I must beg the reader to turn to the next chapter, where he will find it faithfully recorded.
"TICKLER! my faithful secretary, the friend and companion of my future fortunes!" exclaimed the general, embracing the trembling Tickler as he entered the room somewhat timidly. And after shaking him warmly by the hand he ordered two punches, over which he promised to give him an account of the anxiety he had suffered at his absence, and which might have proved a serious affair to the nation.
"By my honor, general," replied Tickler, fingering his beard, and looking somewhat confused, "your kindness is as unexpected as I know it is sincere. And if you say the punches, it is as you say. It is to ask your forgiveness I came, and here you offer me proofs that I have not even incurred your displeasure."
"Mercy and courtesy, friend Tickler, belong to our profession," interrupted the general, elongating his body, placing his thumbs in the arm-holes of his waistcoat, and striding twice or thrice across the room. "I feared you were dead, friend Tickler. And it might look suspicious," he resumed. "But you are alive, and I am glad enough of it." The punches now smoked upon the table; and as the general drew up his chair beside the secretary, that functionary began to relate the cause of his absence. "I got safe into Baltimore, you see, and having no more fears of the finger-taps of sheriffs, was quietly wending my way for the Gilmore House, and had reached a fine old mansion that stood a little from the street, when my attention was attracted by a voice singing so sweetly that I became like one transfixed, for the strains seemed melting my very heart. And you know, general, that it's no hard matter to melt the heart of an Irish gentleman. The voice sounded like one I had heard before, and I paused, and listened, and wondered whose it could be, and suddenly it ceased. I turned to gaze in the direction from whence the music came, and there saw, through an open window, a girl of such exquisite beauty that I felt like getting upon my knees and worshipping her as the idol of love. During the pause she sat at a piano motioning her fan, and with so much grace and delicacy that even a Castilian could not have excelled it. Her complexion was like alabaster, her features of Grecian cast, and as regular as if they had been chiseled. And these charms were made more bewitching by the luxuriant tresses of black hair that hung carelessly down upon her broad, white shoulders. The thought that I had seen her before almost crazed me. Then suddenly her delicate fingers tripped over the keys of the piano, and she struck up a song, the words of which I have not now at my tongue's end, but which I remember said a deal about hope, anguish, and hearts that were true. Something also was said about the cold marble, and withered hopes. I may say, sir, that it bore a strong resemblance to songs I have heard sung by lovers in my own country,-"
"Pray proceed with what came of the lady," interrupted the general, impatiently.
"Why, sir, she sang this song so sweetly that the very air seemed filled with melody, and I fancied myself either in Limerick or Paradise. After gazing in admiration of her for several minutes, she turned her eyes toward me; and as she did so, 'Heavens!' says I, 'there's Linda Mortimor!' And if you would know who this Linda Mortimor is, listen and I will tell you. Her father was a merchant of New York, of princely fortune and good ancestry. And this fortune, together with his pride, he was resolved never to let get beyond the narrow limits of a circle of distant but equally fortunate relatives. But Linda, who was just budding into her seventeenth summer, let her affections fall upon an opera singer, a tenor of the name of Leon Benoni, who had some fame in his profession, and was likewise a man of good morals, which is rare with such gentlemen. I had known Leon for many years, and between us there existed a strong friendship. And as he returned Linda's affections with a love so impassioned that he swore death only could separate them, I promised to render him such service as he might need in an emergency. The possession of a girl so pure, so tender in years, and yet so beautiful, was a prize Leon would have braved death to gain."
The general, more impatient than ever, again interrupted by enjoining Mr. Tickler to stick to Linda, and omit what Leon said.
"When you have two lovers in a story," returned the critic, "you cannot well get along with what one said: you must fetch them along together."
"That may be your New York fashion," interpolated the general; "but I know one Joe Doane, of Barnstable, who had a whole year of love stories in his head, and got along well enough with one lover to a story."
These remarks somewhat displeased the secretary, who gave vent to his feelings in certain upward turns of his short nose. In truth, he was well-nigh ending the love story on the spot; for he cursed in his heart the stupidity of a gentleman of such shallow tastes that he would only have one lover in so good a story. But he bethought himself that now they were both high officials, he must show proper deference to his superior. "If you would have love stories," pursued the critic, with an air of regained pride, "pray take them in their natural state, and not as they are made by popular novelists, who get all sorts of murders into them. As to this young couple, seeing that Heaven (which forms destinies,) had ordered their love to run one way, I arranged their interviews, and so managed the exchange of their communications that they had pledged their affections in eternal constancy for months before the affair reached the ears of Linda's parents. And when it did, a great excitement was got up against Leon, who was charged with various crimes against the dignity of the family; indeed, so far was their indignation carried that several ambitious members of the family threatened him with no few ounces of cold lead. Opera singing was, at best, they said, but a shabby occupation, followed only by such trifling foreigners as had nothing else to do, and were wisely kept outside the pale of society.
"Leon then was cruelly separated from Linda, whose hard-hearted parents had her locked up in her chamber, where she remained seven months writing her grief in verses of such rare sentiment and purity of style that I doubt if Byron has anything to excel them. But finding that her love for Leon was incurable, and that the confinement was producing insanity of mind, her father thought to affect a remedy by offering Leon ten thousand dollars to quit the country. This he spurned, bidding the father give his money to him who measured the soul of man by its value.
"Linda's only companion during the confinement, was a pet canary, which she had trained to convey messages across the street, and into the window of a chamber occupied by one Minnie Rush, a companion and schoolmate, and one to whom she could intrust the secrets of her heart with explicit confidence. Through this medium then she discovered the place of her confinement to Leon, for whom I arranged a plan of scaling her prison and carrying her away. And this plan we undertook to execute of a dark night in November, when a pelting storm drenched the earth with rain, and the wind howled, and all the adverse elements seemed to have combined to complete the fury of the tempest. Linda was prepared, and paced her room with curious hopes and anticipations swelling her heart, and even filling her eyes with tears. When the clock struck twelve, we had, by dint of great exertion, got the ladder to Linda's window in the third story. And as Leon commenced ascending, Linda slowly opened the window. Fiercer and fiercer their throbbing hearts began beating; each second seemed an hour; and although the storm howled piteously, anxiety had so sharpened their senses that they distinctly heard the slightest movement. Quickening his pace as he advanced, and thinking only of the prize he would rescue from its prison, he was well nigh the top of the ladder. Another minute and the two lovers would have been clasped in each other's arms. Not a thought would have been wasted on the hard-hearted father; Leon would have borne the darling of his heart away in triumph! But lo! a crash was heard; the ladder yielded to the gale, and Leon, who was a man of much weight and circumference, fell to the ground with a broken leg. 'A pretty pickle you'r in now, Orlando Tickler,' says I to myself. But to make the matter worse, the ladder fell also, and so great was the noise that the father of Linda and two friends rushed out of the house in their night clothes, and with pistols in their hands. Seeing the cause of the disturbance, they at once gave chase after me; and though I would have stood by Leon until death separated us, it came into my mind that getting away as fast as possible would be the best service I could render him, seeing that it would afford him an opportunity to creep away into some hiding-place.
"I must not forget to tell you, general, that although I am a fleet-footed man, so closely was I pursued that I received not less than three shots in the skirts of my coat, and had been a dead man, but that two good-natured policemen came up, and stopping the enraged father, bid him give an account of himself; for they were unaccustomed to seeing gentlemen run naked in such a storm, armed with pistols. This enabled me to reach a place of safety. But the thought struck me that they would return and make search for Leon. I therefore followed them at a stealthy pace and at a safe distance for myself. Leon had crawled through a little gate and into a garden close by, where he found a shelter beneath some larch bushes, and was safe from the vengeance of his pursuers, who several times passed and re-passed within a few feet of him. The wreck of the ladder was all that greeted their eyes.
"When then the father and his friends returned disappointed to the house, I approached the policemen, and giving them an account of the affair and a few dollars, soon secured their good services. In truth, sir, they declared by their truncheons that if they had been let into the secret a little earlier the hard-hearted old parent had been locked up in the station house, and made to give an account of himself, and, perhaps, to pay dearly for being caught in a plight so dangerous to the peace of the neighborhood. They, however, kindly assisted in getting a carriage, in which Leon was got to his home, where he remained seven weeks without singing a note, and suffering much in mind, as well as body. And when he recovered, it was only to find that Linda was gone-had been carried away, and no one could tell him the place of her concealment. Thus forlorn, he gave himself up in despair, and came near dying of a broken heart, though he was attended by three physicians. But the post-man brought him a letter one day, and a timely letter it was; for by it Linda informed Leon that she was in Madrid with her father, which caused him so much joy that I had fears lest it derange his understanding. But a cloud came over his joy when she told him that such was the surveillance she was under that her life seemed a mere continuation of wretchedness. And while she still declared her love was unchanged, she artfully added that her father had so modified his opinions of foreigners as to press a suit between her and a Spanish Count, of whom it was said that he possessed estates in Arragon. This news seriously affected Leon, who was of an impulsive temper, and quick to give himself up to grief; for he knew what strange changes time and distance works in the mind of a young, ardent girl like Linda. He knew, too, how difficult a thing it was to resist the fascinating manners of the courtly Spaniard. All these things caused him to sorrow, and this sorrow so fed upon his heart that he resolved to get to Madrid with all speed and rescue her from so tyrannical a parent, though it cost him his life. But he was suddenly taken sick of a fever, which, in addition to well-nigh carrying him to the grave, left his intellect in a deranged state, and so reduced him in body that his friends resolved he had only a month or so more for this world. I had watched over Leon, and but for my poverty would have remained by his bedside until death separated us. It was my necessities, sir, that compelled me to join you.—"
"By my honor, friend Tickler," interrupted the general, approvingly, "I will now swear you make a good soldier; for such faith is rarely met outside of the profession to which I belong."
"As to that," resumed Mr. Tickler, "your great experience in these matters must make you the better judge. It then got (I turn now to Linda and Leon) into the papers that Leon was dead. And though I know not by what process this was effected, I can tell you that many obituaries were written in respect of him. Seeing that he had been so honorably disposed of by the editors, Leon held it better not to contradict the report, but as soon as he was in possession of sufficient strength, to leave in disguise for the scene where he would welcome death or win the prize for which his heart yearned.
"Judge, then, of my surprise when I recognized Linda in the lovely creature who played with so much skill, and sang so sweetly. Our recognition was mutual, for I stood where the shadow of the moonbeams played over my face. 'Heavens!' says I, 'how can I rescue her?' I saw she was not free, but rather the victim of a heart burdened with cares. My next thought was how to communicate with her. I retired to a little cottage close by, where I wrote a note on tissue paper, proposing an appointment on the following day, and secured it to the stem of a rosebud. Then I found a poor woman, a Savoyard, playing on her harp in the street; and having read that these women were accustomed to performing such parts for the rich lovers of their own country, I engaged her to play under the window until she had so attracted the attention of Linda as to make her understand by signs what was in the bud. This she engaged to do in a manner that would make success certain. She then repaired to the task; and having played several airs from the opera of Linda of Chamouni with great artistic skill, soon brought Linda to the window, where she at first listened as if she were taking lessons of a master, but soon changed her listening to surprise at the singular signs made by the woman between the airs. The mystery was dissolved when I again appeared at the front gate and stood in the shadow of the moonbeams. Linda declared she would not be content until the poor Savoyard was got into the house, averring that as she had never before heard such exquisite playing, she was anxious to ask the woman some questions concerning her history. To please Linda, then, she was got into the house, where, embracing a favorable moment, she slipped the bud into Linda's hand. I had suggested a place of meeting at twelve o'clock on the following day; and I leave to your conjecture what took place up to that time. Let me tell you, then, that she escaped from the house through the aid of a faithful servant, and we met, exchanged our joys as never did brother and sister; yes, we unburdened our hearts and gave each other accounts of all that had passed since the night Leon attempted to rescue her from her chamber.
"Linda had not been to Madrid, but Cuba; and the letter to Leon was nothing more than a cruel fabrication of her parents, who had persuaded her that he was dead, and produced papers recording his death in proof of their declarations. When I discovered to her that Leon was still alive, she fell upon her knees and beseeched me to speed with her to him. I knew and felt my duty to the nation; but the request of this lovely girl was something the gallantry of my soul could not refuse."
The general, who had listened attentively while sipping his punch, interrupted, saying, "I reverence your magnanimity, young man, and am glad to see that you had no thought of appropriating the prize to yourself. I am glad, too, that you had an eye to how much the nation might suffer by this love affair."
"Says I to myself," resumed the secretary, "'Orlando Tickler! now it's between the nation and this fair girl-choose which you will let go to ruin. Faith, the nation is well enough,' says I, 'and here goes to do my duty by this distressed damsel. And with nothing but what she had on her back, and a purse of gold, we turned our backs upon Baltimore, and like doves chased by sportsmen, proceeded with all speed to Leon, who had taken up his abode at an airy villa on the banks of the Hudson. And here again I will leave to your conjecture what took place when they met; and conclude by saying that I went mad with joy on seeing them locked in each other's arms. And while New York was being searched in vain by the friends of her unyielding parents, I saw them made one twain by the village parson; then I left them as happy a couple as ever mingled love, and sought you, intending to ask forgiveness. You have it all, sir; and may Heaven reward you for the forgiveness you have vouchsafed me."
And now, the time for the general's departure having arrived, old Battle was got safely on board, when this wonderful politician, soldier, and diplomatist, and his clever secretary, set sail for the Kaloramas; and when they had proceeded on their voyage for some weeks met with so serious an accident that the writer of this faithful history deems it proper that he should record it in the next chapter.
It ought also to be mentioned here that the general, out of sheer respect to his honesty as a critic, appointed Easley guardian to his gifted pig, whose earnings he promised to transmit to Polly Potter instead of the unfathomable depths of the "Bleeding Kansas Fund."
BEING ignorant of any rule compelling historians to give the names of such ships as convey their ambassadors to foreign lands, I have resolved that the omission in this instance shall be made up by the fancy of the reader, whom I feel in my heart will generously give me credit for what I have written, the truth whereof no man of common sense will doubt. A further motive for not naming the vessel on which this wonderful minister sailed is, that what took place on board might afford matter for one of those extremely fashionable episodes called Courts-Martial, and which are principally held at Washington for the entertainment of such aged members of the service as are fond of listening to, and sitting in judgment upon, the minute and circumstantial details of indiscreet conversations held among young gentlemen of the ward-room; and which, it must be confessed, reflects but little honor upon the service. But to the ship.
When the ship was many days' sail from land, and affairs on board had passed pleasantly enough, the officers, one after another began to hold conversation with the general, and to flatter his vanity in various ways, styling him "Your Excellency," and intimating that he must be perfect master of all great subjects. In truth, they soon discovered from the disjointed character of his discourse upon various subjects that his wits were deranged; for no matter what subject they introduced, he would mount his favorite hobby of taking care of the nation. But how a man could be an adept in politics and a simpleton in so many other things they could not clearly understand. They therefore came naturally enough to the conclusion that the government had set a trap to get rid of a gentleman with designs on the treasury, and caught a mouse instead of a minister. Nor were they less surprised with the singular relations existing between the general and his secretary, who had more than once declared to them that he had puzzled his wits in vain to get at the true quality of his master's understanding. They therefore resolved among themselves to make him the subject of a little diversion. He had entertained them with accounts of the wonderful achievements of the Potter family, as also his own exploits in the Mexican war, at which they were all astonished and confounded.
When, then, the general appeared on deck one day, in his new uniform, which he got of Fox in New York, and which he verily believed necessary to the great undertakings he was about to engage in, the first Lieutenant approached him, and with great gravity of manner, said, "Your Excellency has doubtless heard of the custom which renders it necessary that all great officials crossing the line for the first time pay their respects to Neptune, king of the sea and father of barbers, who will come on board and shave you to your satisfaction. And when this ceremony is over the officials then display their skill at riding the flying horse, the success or failure of which is invariably held a good or bad omen of the success or failure of their mission."
The general listened with curious attention to these remarks. "I own, Mr. Lieutenant," said he, in reply, "that if you approached me on matters of government or something that concerns the politics of our country, there you will find me at home; but as to these affairs of the sea, I know as little about them as your village parson. As to riding a flying horse, I will leave that to Mr. Tickler, my secretary; for though no man will say I am not skilled in riding, I can tell you I have been twice thrown by my horse Battle, and care not to have more of my limbs broken. But by all means let this Neptune you speak of be introduced to me, and if the shaving can be dispensed with, so much the better, since I am not fond of ceremonies, and may have need of my beard in dealing with this savage king."
"Your Excellency reasons well," rejoined the Lieutenant; "but judging from the fame he has already acquired, and which is as familiar to us as our school-day primers, I feel that he would not have it said of him that he was a whit behind his many predecessors, who held themselves honored in being the recipients of this ceremony, which, in truth, is considered another feather in their dignity. But this I will say, that where secretaries are present, the custom has been so modified as to vouchsafe the shaving to them, while riding the flying horse is strictly reserved for the highest officials."
"What you say of my fame, Mr. Lieutenant, is just what many others have said, and may be set down to my honesty as a politician. And, as you say it is well to look to my dignity, I will confer with my secretary and hear what he says concerning this affair of the shaving." Having returned this answer, the general sought his secretary and recounted to him, in private, the conversation that had taken place between himself and the lieutenant, upon which the learned critic swore by Saint Patrick, and a dozen more equally good saints, that no man should trifle with his beard, of which he was as scrupulous as many of our more fashionable clergymen, and, indeed, kept it highly polished with daily applications of Rushton's best pomades. He also declared that however ready he might be to render service either to his government or ladies in distress, he verily believed the whole affair a joke got up by the officers, who were much given to practising such tricks upon the unwary; and therefore he would have them look elsewhere for subjects of jest. The general, however, assured him that it was a grave mistake, since gentlemen of such standing and valor would not deign to trifle with the respectability of a secretary invested with such important functions. He therefore proceeded with him into the presence of the first lieutenant, around whom several of his fellow-officers were gathered, and on stating what had taken place, they one and all assured Mr. Tickler in the most grave and becoming manner that they had not the slightest intention of offending his dignity, nor indeed in any way provoking him to think ill of them. Nevertheless, they begged him to bear in mind that this ancient custom was only kept up with a view to test the real courage and resolution of high officials proceeding on these great and important missions. "I am not frightened at trifles, gentlemen," replied Mr. Tickler, somewhat agitated; "but it seems to me that this shaving you speak of is not generally known among barbers. And I have read every book written by Ike Marvel (and bright gems, hung in the murky firmament of our maudlin literature, they are, too!); but not a word does he say about secretaries of Legations paying penance in this manner with their beards. However, if his excellency has courage to ride the flying horse, Orlando Tickler will not be found wanting. Pray let the ceremony proceed; but spare me my beard if you can, for I am no dump, and know that it was said by somebody that a poor gentleman had better stick to his garret than go beardless to court." The officers now proceeded to arrange the matter between themselves, and resolved to carry it into effect on the following morning.
And now a rosy dawn ushered in the morning on which the great and all-absorbing event was to take place. A clear sky, a sea so calm that scarce a ripple was to be seen, every sail spread to its utmost capacity, and the mellow tints of the rising sun playing over and investing them with a majesty of outline at once grand and imposing. And yet the massive hull scarce moved, so gentle was the breeze that fanned through her canvass.
The officers were astir before Mother Carey's chickens had dipped their wings; indeed, the very elements seemed to have combined to favor this great and wonderful event, which, seeing that it was in honor of so great a politician as General Roger Potter, was to surpass all other events hitherto recorded in this history.
A stage of rough planks was erected during the night just abaft the fore-mast, and over this a mizen topgallant studding-sail formed an awning, between which and the mast there was a huge wind-sail, leading down into the forehatch. The fore-courser and lower studding-sails were now clewed up, and a messenger dispatched to inform the general and his secretary that the ship was crossing the line, and as Neptune's temper was crispy of age, he might on discovering any want of respect, invoke a storm. Not content with this, two officers high in rank rushed into the state-room of Mr. Tickler, and evincing great anxiety lest his reputation for courage suffer, drew him from his berth, and winding him up in a sheet, bore him struggling in their arms to a seat arranged on the platform. At the same time a great blowing of sea-conchs (said to be Neptune's chorus), accompanied by the heaving and splashing of waters, was heard directly under the bows, and was indeed enough to strike terror into a stronger heart than Tickler possessed. In short, the secretary found his courage giving out, notwithstanding he had on the evening previous given several of the officers a most interesting account of the many duels he had figured in. In truth, it must be confessed that if the secretary had not been secured to his seat with gaskets, he would, regardless of precedents, have taken to his heels and left the ceremony to those who had a liking for it. And as it was, his fears continued to increase with the approach of the ceremony.
A double file of men, in their neatest attire, now formed in order from the orlop to the fore-chains. At this moment the general, arrayed in his war-worn uniform, sallied forth with becoming dignity, and evidently much concerned about the important part he was to play in this great event, for he felt in his heart that the honor of his country depended entirely upon the skill he displayed in riding the flying horse. He was also not a little concerned lest his secretary should fail to carry himself with becoming nerve, and encouraged him with promises to permit him to say things creditable to himself in his first letter to the New York Daily Discoverer.
Old Neptune, trident in hand, and as fishy an old salt as could well be imagined, now rose with great gravity and stateliness over the bow; and having cast a piercing glance at the file of men, who raised their hats and saluted him with becoming deference, advanced slowly, and being met by two senior lieutenants, was first informed of the great fame of the voyagers, and then welcomed on board with a speech. This done he was introduced to, and exchanged courtesies with the general, who made him sundry bows, and would have put many questions to him concerning his ancestry; but as it was customary with him to lose no time, he proceeded forthwith to the shaving. Perhaps I ought here to inform the reader that this Neptune wore a sort of toga, made of the skins of sea-lions; that his beard was like unto fibrous coral found on the coast of Florida, and hung almost to his waist; and that a crown of sea-moss decorated his venerable head. Muttering something in a language the first lieutenant declared was Spanish, and exchanging bows with Mr. Tickler, whose face and beard only were visible above the white sheet, Neptune resigned his trident to one of the sailors, and approaching the candidate for this great honor, felt and felt his beard, then gave his head a toss of satisfaction, and smiled. A grinning negro now advanced in his clean white apron, and an immense bowl, held with his left arm; and this was filled with a composite for shaving, such, I venture to assert, as Rushton never thought of; for being a mixture of grease, tar, and soap, the odor that escaped was anything but aromatic. Here the secretary quite lost his temper, and swore by the Virgin in a deep rich brogue, which was not uncommon with him when he spoke natural, that he saw through the whole thing; and that the man who defiled his beard with such stuff as that would have to suffer for it when he got the use of his hands. Heeding not what he said, the negro applied the lather with an immense paint-brush, and had well-nigh suffocated the critic, who cried for mercy at the very top of his voice, to the no small diversion of the bystanders, who enjoyed it hugely. Solemnly Neptune then commenced to shave the critic with an immense razor made of wood; but he was so nervous in the management of it, and scraped the critic's face so unmercifully, that he bellowed out at the very top of his voice, "Holy Saint Peter! come to my relief, and let not this thy child be tortured by his enemies!"
"Be not a whimperer, but comport yourself with courage, Mr. Tickler," said the general, apparently quite as much diverted as any of them: "I have a hearty respect enough for these critics; but if they let their courage leak out in this way, Heaven only knows what they will do when they come to face the guns of the enemy?" he concluded, whispering in the ear of one of the officers. Having stepped aside to wipe the razor, as he said, they were all surprised and astonished to find that Neptune had disappeared amidst the plunging of waters and blowing of sea-conchs. Scarcely had he gone when an immense current of water came down upon the head of the suffering Tickler, and which he was assured was nothing more than the tail-end of a water-spout, though in truth it was poured from buckets in the hands of a cunning rogue concealed in the windsail close by. And the force and density of this so nearly drowned the simple-minded critic that he several times gasped for breath, and indeed seemed on the very point of dissolution. The whole ceremony was performed in a remarkably short space of time; and when the lathered and drenched Orlando Tickler was set at liberty, he cast the winding sheet from his shoulders, stood a few moments making the most savage gestures at his adversaries, (most of whom had sought places of safety,) and challenged the best of them to meet him like men; then he scampered away to his cabin, muttering as he passed the general, "Faith! and I wish your excellency better luck with what there is left." It ought to be mentioned here that the hanging by the heels, which is a part of this excellent and very ancient custom, was, out of sheer respect to Tickler's fame as a critic, omitted in this instance.
The wind now began to freshen so that every sail filled to perfection; but as there was but little motion on the ship, it was resolved not to ride the flying-horse until breakfast was over, when it was hoped a rolling motion of the hull would afford a better opportunity for the display of skill. "Mr. Lieutenant," said the general, approaching that officer with his ear canted, and touching him confidentially on the arm, "although there was sport enough in this shaving of my secretary, I begin to have certain fears about riding the flying-horse; as you say, it may afford me a chance to display my courage and horsemanship: but, if it be similar to the shaving, I cannot see wherein it will serve my dignity; and therefore I say that it seems to my mind better that you give the performance to some other gentleman." The lieutenant replied that this was a feat entirely free from the severities accompanying the shaving; in truth, that it was solely a means of displaying agility, being much practised by the South Carolinians after their tournaments. And in order to prove to him that it was in every way worthy the high consideration of so distinguished a politician and general, he promised to make several of the seamen give him an example. Somewhat reconciled to this assurance, the general proceeded to prepare himself.
When, then, breakfast was over, they all repaired on deck to witness the general's skill at riding the flying-horse. The ship rolled lazily, an oar with the blade resting upon the quarter deck, the stock extending some eight or ten feet forward and secured near the end with a rope made fast in the mizen-caps, constituted the horse, which swung to and fro with the motion of the ship. A hat was then placed on the end of the oar, when an old experienced sailor mounted with a staff in his hand, and having crossed his legs (like a tailor upon his board), let go the rope, and, with his hands extended, swung to the motion of the ship, maintaining his balance with the ease and composure of a rope-dancer. This done, he dislodged the hat with his staff; and to prove how easy it was to perform the feat, he thrice repeated it to the great delight of all on board. "Faith of my father!" exclaimed the general, "I see no great things in that; and if it be all you require in proof of my courage, I will show you that I can do it a dozen times, and with less trouble than it would give me to ride my horse Battle." All now made way for the wonderful general, whose shortness of legs rendered it necessary to bring benches to facilitate his mounting; for the flying-horse stood some six feet or more from the spar deck, and was not so easily mounted by a general accustomed to the saddle.
A silence as of the tomb reigned among the bystanders while the great General Potter proceeded to mount; which he effected after considerable puffing and fussing, and adjusting his three-cornered hat, of which he was singularly scrupulous. Holding on by the rope with great tenacity, the only difficulty now in the way seemed his legs, which were too short to get crossed upon the oar. Declaring he had never before rode an animal of such sharpness in the back, he proposed that the crossing of legs be omitted, when he would show them that he could dislodge the hat with great agility sitting astride the oar. But as this would leave no chance for the sport that was to follow, the officers all asserted upon their reputations that in no instance of which they had any knowledge had such a concession been made, no matter how distinguished the ambassador. But in order not to be wanting in courtesy, two of the officers assisted him in getting his legs crossed. This done the benches were cleared, and, not a little disturbed in his courage, the gallant general swung away to the motion of the ship. Several voices now called to him, demanding that he let go the rope and dislodge the hat. "When a man knows his life is in danger, it occurs to me, gentlemen, that he had better be left to choose his own time in parting with it!" replied the general. He however let go the rope, and suddenly making a pass at the hat with his staff, lost his balance and was plunged headlong into the larboard scuppers, and with such force that had not his bones been equal to wrought-iron, not a sound one had been left in his body. He now gave out such pitiful groans as brought the officers to a knowledge of the serious character of the joke, which was put an end to by their picking him up and bearing him away to his cabin.