WHEN the general was sufficiently recovered from the effects of the fall, he began thanking heaven that it was no worse, and inquiring of the officers who stood around him, each trying to emulate the other in offering him consolation, whether any of his predecessors had been thrown into the scuppers in this manner. "You may say there was a lack of skill, gentlemen; but I at least gave you a taste of my courage, which is something in these days." Thus he addressed them as he rose to his feet, with evident self-satisfaction, and believing in his heart that a man was as much to be praised for what he attempted as for what he achieved. "That you are a gentleman of courage no man with eyes in his head will dispute; and as our country is extremely fortunate in the possession of so brave a general, we have been saying among ourselves that the interests of the nation demand that you should be less prodigal of it!" replied one of the officers.
"It affords me no small pleasure that you can bear witness of what you have seen; for although this misfortune may not comport with my dignity as a minister sent to preserve friendly relations with a savage king, you will at least say it was an enterprise that tested the quality of my metal. As I have always said, a man had better stick to his functions; for if he mount strange horses, his head may prove so wanting in brain that he will certainly fall to the ground a great fool. But you have seen enough to satisfy you of my courage, and now I must hasten to my secretary, who is no small man, though unaccustomed to the perils we soldiers know so well how to enjoy." So making them a bow, the general proceeded to Mr. Tickler's cabin, where he found that gentleman busily engaged over a pot of Rushton's pomade, which, together with two bottles of Lubin's double extract, had been presented to him by the officers, as a balm to heal his injured dignity. "This is no joke, your excellency," said the discomfited critic; "you may smile at a man with his beard full of tar; but let your excellency just try it with his own, and I wager he'll wish the devil had it before he gets it restored." The general laid his hand on Mr. Tickler's arm, encouragingly, and replied, "Friend Tickler, heaven has given you a good understanding, and it comforts me that you take this little affair no worse."
"How much worse your excellency would have it I know not. And it occurs to my mind that this mauling and scraping is no part of my mission. I am not a malefactor, but a man sent abroad to serve his country, which it is my intention to do faithfully, if only they leave my dignity undamaged."
"It's not every one thinks so well of his dignity, friend Tickler," interposed the general.
"I am glad your excellency speaks in this way; for if a man bring his dignity to an end, pray what use is he to his country?"
"There your philosophy is at fault, Tickler; for many's the man now in the service of his country who has not so much dignity as my horse Battle. Console yourself, sir, and remember that hardships are the prop-sticks of a rising man's glory. And having borne your part in this ceremony with such consummate fortitude, you must know that the officers set you down for a terrible fellow."
"Let them practice their pranks on some one else, or by the saints they shall suffer for it. But tell me, your excellency, is it a custom with secretaries to trick their landlords, undergo these batterings and bruisings, and go for weeks without a shilling? If it be, Orlando Tickler returns to his profession of a critic! And to tell you the truth, sir, it is not clear to me of whom I am to get pay for my services at this outlandish court. But pray where is this Kalorama? for I have puzzled my brain over it not a little. And while you are about it, please enlighten me further on the benefits this mission of yours will bestow upon mankind, that I may be instructed while I am getting this grease and tar out of my beard."
"A good diplomatist, I have heard it said, friend Tickler, never blurts out what he means to do, but keeps a still tongue until he has effected his ends. Keep then your faith square, ask no questions, watch closely, and the result shall come as clear as day to you when I am on the field." The secretary gradually became more reconciled to his fate, and soon renewed the labor of restoring his beard.
Several days now passed with so much pleasantry that the general and his secretary became the admiration of all on board. Not a man, from the commander down to the humblest "ordinary," but was eager to pay them homage, minister to their comfort, or afford them amusement. They were thus happily pursuing their voyage when the commander, one pleasant evening, having entertained the general with various sea stories, was approached by one of his officers, who reported that Spark Island had been sighted from aloft. This news sent a thrill of joy into the hearts of all on board, for Spark Island lay ten leagues off the coast of Kalorama. Every eye was now fixed in the direction indicated, and many were the glasses brought into use. After various scannings, what seemed a mere speck on the horizon was pronounced by the commander to be nothing less than the famous Spark Island, a bit of land quite resembling the steeple of one of our fashionable churches, and which nature, in one of her strange freaks had ejected from the bottom of the sea, that certain gulls and other sea-birds, having no other convenient place to build their nests, might take advantage of its solitude. "Verily, your excellency," said the commander, addressing General Potter with great suavity of manner, "there is so curious a history connected with this pitiful little island, that I feel you would be deeply interested with a recital of it."
"Indeed, sir," returned the general, "as this history concerns me as a diplomatist, I should be delighted to hear it from your lips."
"You must know, then," resumed the commander, "that the natives along the coast have a tradition they firmly believe in, and which sets forth that this island was thrown up by a special act of providence as a place of refuge for a poor priest, a good and holy man, who, being admitted to the confidence of the court of a Chief then ruling over Kalorama, was discovered, by a keen-sighted attendant, in an amour with one of his daughters, a girl of so much beauty that various chiefs had come from the east, and the west, and the north, and the south, to lay their offerings at her feet. But to none of them would she give her hand and heart. And although the priest protested his innocence before heaven, and the girl, whose name was Matura, declared her chastity as unsullied as the driven snow, the father was not to be moved, but per-emptorily ordering them both into a canoe, sent them to drift at the mercy of the waves, a merited banishment-in his eyes. Many years passed, and nothing being heard of the priest and Matura, it was thought the sea had swallowed them up, when they were discovered on this lonely island by some Spanish adventurers from a neighboring coast. The priest at once gave the visitors an account of how the island rose from the ocean by special providence for his protection, together with a minute description of all that had taken place since their banishment. He had chanted vespers regularly three times a day, while Matura had confessed to him, sang to him, and made him garments of the feathers of birds, the flesh of which furnished them with food. What seemed most singular, was that although their locks were whitened with the cares of fourscore years, both stood ready to swear before an inquisition of saints that neither in thought nor deed had they sinned against the commandments.
"Meanwhile the servant, instrumental in procuring the banishment of the priest and Matura, was brought to his death-bed, and as he was troubled about leaving this world with so deep a crime in his heart, he came out and declared that the charge he had brought against the priest and Matura was a tissue of lies which he had been bribed to promulgate by another priest, to whom he was in the habit of confessing. But the innocence thus revealed was of no avail; for the priest and Matura died on the island, and there was an end of it as far as that went.
"The Spaniards returned and reported the discovery to their people, as also the story of the priest and Matura. Whereupon the Spaniards laid claims to Spark Island, they being, as they asserted, the first discoverers. But the story, together with the discovery, was not long in coursing down the coast to the ears of the Kaloramas, who immediately fitted out a fleet of seven canoes, and dispatched them in charge of twenty stalwarth natives and a priest, who had taken high orders, such an one being held necessary to the safety of the expedition. Well, they descried the island, and having landed, found the bones of the priest and Matura in a cave, on the side of a steep bluff. And when these were brought home, the people of Kalorama went into deep mourning, and had them buried with great ceremony in a grove of cocoanut trees, where all girls of tender years were taught to go at early morning and lay offerings of flowers upon the grave of Matura the innocent.
"But there soon sprung up a great dispute as to the possession of this island. The Spaniards claimed it in virtue of their discovery, while the Kaloramas, with no less plausibility, asserted a priority by virtue of its having been first inhabited by the priest and Matura, whom they claimed as citizens of Kalorama. And, notwithstanding a manuscript written by the priest while in his lonely exile, and describing how an All-wise Providence had created this island solely for his preservation, was by an intriguing Spaniard placed in the hands of the King of the Kaloramas as proof against his own countrymen, the question of possession rose into such gigantic proportions that a great war broke out between the disputants. And although neither could ever hope to derive the slightest benefit from its possession, the contest was bloody enough on both sides. And when they had fought many battles, involved various other nations, and desolated each other's dominions, they agreed that each should send a deputation of not less than three priests, who, when they had visited the island, should declare upon the merits of the case. Whereupon two expeditions were fitted out at great cost of time and treasure; but after cruising for more than thirty days, not a vestige of Spark Island could they find. Therefore, it was agreed among the priests that as a visitation of providence had created the island for a holy purpose, so also had God in his wisdom caused it to sink into the sea, that an end might be put to the savage wars waged for its possession. And as neither party could dispute this solemn verdict of the priests, both cheerfully accepted it, and were for ever after inalienable friends. And there is an end to that, as far as it goes.
"It was generally agreed that Spark Island had vanished, for nearly a century passed, and not a mariner could be found to say he had seen it, though several were ready to swear by their buttons that they had heard mermaids singing precisely where it once stood. And so matters remained until a few years ago, when two of our enterprising countrymen, who were cruising down this way in search of adventures, came upon it, and finding it covered with a rich and valuable manure, fancied it a new discovery, laid claim to it in the name of our government, and, blinded by their enthusiasm, declared it one of the greatest islands history had any account of, though truly it was but six furlongs long and four wide. Many and wonderful were the representations made to our government by these adventurers concerning this great discovery, and the benefits that were to flow from it to our country. The humblest husbandman was to get a mere pinch of its rich deposits, and, having sprinkled it over his broad acres, would immediately find them transferred into fields of luxuriant corn. Mere ounces were to make fertile the most sterile lands; and even old Virginia put on her spectacles, and began looking forward to the time when every bald hill, from the Rappahannock to the Blue Ridge, would wear a rich carpet of green.
"It was curious enough to see with what an open ear the government listened to these wonderful stories, and the agility with which it sent a great fleet, and a terrible commodore, to enforce our claim to the possession of this island. A dispute now arose between the Kaloramas and our government, regarding the nature of the discovery by these adventurers, and many learned and very profound opinions were given, describing its exact history and boundaries. When, however, we were on the point of declaring war against the Kaloramas, as the most sure way of getting the island, it turned out that all these authorities, discovering such profound knowledge, were wide off the mark. In addition to this, the fleet, after a long and pleasant cruise, which afforded the officers amusement enough to last them a life-time, at length found the island, which was so small that even the most reliable chart makers had neglected to locate it. They were, therefore, so much diverted at its apparent insignificance that they came to the very sensible conclusion that the few birds having their nests in it had the best claim to it; and, indeed, that to disturb them would be to inflict a great cruelty. After coming to this conclusion they returned home in excellent humor, and reported the result of the expedition (the report covered some sixteen folios) to the government at Washington, presenting it at the same time with a casket containing four ounces of the rich and highly-scented treasure found thereon. And I am informed that the government was so pleased with the result of this costly expedition that it has ever since remained profoundly silent on the subject-even refusing an enormous sum offered by a Philadelphia bookseller for the report, which he was anxious to publish, out of sheer love for the public. However, open questions of the smallest kind being indispensable to great governments, inasmuch as they afford occupation to diplomatists, and such idlers as follow the trade of politics, I must not forget to mention here that our government still continues secretly to dispute the point with the Kaloramas; even threatening to thrash them right soundly, unless they relinquish their claim. And here Spark Island stands, like the lone steeple of some forsaken church." Thus the commander concluded, when General Potter, who declared the history had deeply interested him, laid his hand confidentially on the arm of the speaker, saying: "There is, I verily believe, something said in my instructions concerning this Island. Just let me alone, and I warrant to have it safe in the possession of our government, (and a dozen more just like it!) in less time than you have been talking about it. As for the priest, though he never did me any harm, I hold it well that the amorous rascal was banished in a canoe, that being an easy way of getting rid of him. But my heart is tender, and you speak in such praise of this Matura's beauty, and chastity, that I shall surely go to bed weeping, if, indeed, I do not dream of hand to hand combats with her hard-hearted father. I shall not forget this affair, Mr. Commander! and shall give King Nebo to understand that I know all about the dirty tricks of his ancestors."
"I would like to know," inquired Mr. Tickler, "if there was anything said in the manuscript left by the priest, about his seeing Spark Island rise from the sea with his own eyes?"
"Nothing could have been more minutely described," replied the commander. "One moment there was only a broad sea-plain before him, in the next he saw it shoot up like a spark, which was why he called it Spark Island." Mr. Tickler declared himself entirely satisfied with this explanation, and was sure the priest could not have been mistaken.
When the night was far advanced the general and his secretary retired to their cabins, where they slept soundly, and awoke on the following morning, to find the ship safely moored in a snug little cove or harbor, opposite the Village of Buzabub, a seaport on the Coast of Kalorama, and so buried in Mango and Pride of India trees, as nearly to conceal the few shabby dwellings it contained. The general was up before the monkeys began to chatter, and anxiously paced the deck, in his new uniform, seeming to care for no one but old Battle, whom he every few minutes stopped to congratulate on the termination of the voyage, all of which the faithful animal seemed perfectly to understand. In truth, the general had evinced so much solicitude for his horse during the passage, that the officers and men were quite as much diverted with the proofs of affection displayed by the faithful animal, as they were at the eccentricities of his master.
When then the general had paced the deck a sufficient length of time, he repaired to the cabin of his secretary, saying: "Friend Tickler, my learned secretary, get speedily up, for this is to be the most important day of my life, outshining, by far, the day of my reception in New York. Get up, write me a speech that shall become this remarkable event, and so mix it up with Latin sentences, that these savages will take me for a profound scholar, and pay me courtesy accordingly; for I have a fear of their knives, which, I am told, have terminated the existence of several ambassadors."
TICKLER rose quickly from his bath, and applied himself diligently to the manufacturing of a most wonderful speech for his master. Nor was he at a loss for Latin sentences; for, having provided himself with a book of Latin proverbs, he could have supplied a mob of politicians with speeches, every word of which was Latin.
And so anxious was Tickler to serve his master, that he broke not his fast during the morning; nor, indeed, was he aware that breakfast was over, until the booming of thirteen guns brought him to a sense of his position. And those thirteen guns were intended for a salute, and were quite enough for a town so poor that it had not wherewith to answer them; and on that score, excused itself, for what might otherwise have been set down for a grave insult. But the general set every gun down in honor of himself, and was so vain of his exalted position, that he approached the commander, saying: "I thank you heartily for the great honor you have just paid me in the guns; and, let me tell you, sir, I value the compliment more, since it comes from one so worthy of his country as yourself. You have displayed great fortitude and valor during this perilous voyage, which I shall not forget to mention in my dispatches, while my secretary will make due note of it in his letters to the newspapers, and I say it to you in confidence, he is correspondent for no less than seven." The commander bowed, and, smiling, thanked the general for this expression of his high regard.
A fleet of canoes was now seen putting off from shore. Advancing with great speed they soon reached the ship, which they surrounded, while one of their number, bearing two tawny chiefs, and a priest, who acted as an interpreter, made fast alongside. The chiefs and the priest came speedily on board, and were welcomed by the commander, with no little ceremony. And as the chiefs were decked out in a great profusion of feathers, and cloaks of as many colors as the rainbow, the general set them down for at least sons of the king, and commenced addressing them accordingly, when he was suddenly interrupted by the commander, who informed him that they were only messengers sent by the father, or chief magistrate of the village, to inquire for what object the ship was come. And when informed of the great and important character of the mission, they presented the ambassador, as they were pleased to call the general, with two parrots and a male monkey, as a token of the friendship intended by their king, and also as a means of dispelling all apprehensions of evil designs. This done, the priest was invited into the cabin, where, to his great delight, refreshments were served, to which were added sundry strong beverages, which he drank with such avidity and evident relish, that the commander began to have fears for the safety of his understanding. Being a man of great compassion, the commander got the priest away. Thereupon he joined the chief, and together they returned to make preparations for the reception of our hero and his secretary. And when it was well nigh high noon, the general and his secretary disembarked amidst the booming of guns and the huzzas of the crew. And although this afforded him no small amount of pleasure, he expressed great anxiety lest the landing of old Battle be delayed another minute; "for," said he, "if it be necessary to make an impression on these savages, then let me have my horse, and you shall see how quick I will do it." As these little evidences of his weakness only served the more to divert the officers, they proceeded forthwith to effect the landing. Scarcely had he set foot on shore, however, when he was surrounded by a swarm of tawny beings, naked almost to the buff, and so eager to get a sight at so great an ambassador, that they pressed forward with a clamor that threatened the most serious results to life and limbs, at the same time interposing a serious impediment to the progress of his train. Nor did his great rotundity, and the queer figure he cut in his uniform tend to lesson their excitement; for they commenced capering round him, hooting, and performing the most amusing antics,-all of which he mistook for expressions of gratitude and joy. But as it was a custom with our government to select for ministers men who could not understand one word of the language spoken at the court to which they were accredited, so in this instance did its results prove highly fortunate; for, as neither could understand a word the other said, our government was saved from being called upon to resent the most flagrant outrages ever offered to one of its ministers. But as fortune always favors the great and chivalrous, the priest with whom he had an interview in the morning, suddenly came to the rescue, and so great was his power over the poor natives, that they held their peace at the raising of his finger, and dispersed to a respectful distance at his bidding.
Diminutive asses were now brought, and when the company were mounted, the priest escorted them, on foot, to a little chapel, in which were assembled divers other priests and dignitaries, whose raiment bore a strong resemblance to the venerable wardrobe of one of our bankrupt theatres. Here the general was welcomed by the priest, in return for which he delivered them the speech prepared for him by his secretary. But not one word of the Latin that gentleman had so liberally thrown in, could the priests understand, though they were complete masters of the tongue.
As for the town itself, it was composed of detached huts, built of mud and sticks, and in keeping with the degraded condition of the poor natives, between whom and the priests and renegades, who affected to govern them, a strange confusion of understandings existed. In speaking of renegades, it may be well to mention that the town seemed to swarm with flaxen-headed children, some toddling about in their bare buff, some basking in the sun, and others devouring plantains and pomegranates. Indeed, there were various proofs of an infusion of renegade blood, rarely met with in so remote a country. Further observation also discovered the fact, that even the dogs, and the pigs, and the cattle were a cross with other species of animals, and partook largely of the spirit of animosity that ruled between the priests and the renegades. In truth, no two could be found living in harmony. And strange as it may seem, the natives of Buzabub, although bountifully supplied with whiskey, powder and priests, were at the lowest point of civilization. And yet, heaven knows, these modern messengers of civilization had done much to sweep away the primitive virtues of the poor Kaloramas.
When the ceremony of presentation was over, and such hospitalities as the town afforded proffered the general and his secretary, they were made comfortable at the house of a priest, for three days must elapse before the kings's permission to proceed to Nezub, which was some ten leagues inland, would arrive; and no ambassador ever dared to advance without it. The general was also informed that it was customary for all great ambassadors to travel in a sort of palanquin, borne by four stalwarth natives, who were relieved every two miles. And this journey, he was gravely assured, would occupy not less than eight days; but as the train would be accompanied by a priest and two renegades (the latter acting as interpreters), the time would pass pleasantly enough. "Odds me!" exclaimed the general; "but this riding in such a machine, Mr. Priest, does not comport with my notion of dignity." "Your excellence," replied the priest, "must remember that there are various opinions as to what constitutes true dignity. For myself, I hold to Saint Peter's notion, that a man may maintain his dignity, though clothed in sackcloth. And since no really great ambassador ever thought of travelling in any other manner, I think you may venture to follow their example, without fear of damaging your dignity." This so completely reconciled the general, that he declared all his objections removed, and enjoined the priest not to think him a whit behind any ambassador he might have in his eye. But Mr. Tickler was seriously discomfitted. "Pray," said he, with an air of great anxiety, "will your reverence be good enough to say how I am to accompany his excellency, for I am a poor critic, and know but little of these affairs."
"Secretaries," rejoined the priest, "follow their masters, mounted on a mule, and he in turn is followed by two renegades, similarly mounted; the priest following, mounted on an ass. And this is strictly in accordance with an ancient custom, for the priest being necessary to the strict morality of the train, it is becoming that he should humble himself." Mr. Tickler shook his head, and was evidently much disappointed at the shabby position he was to occupy in the train. Indeed, he wished himself back in New York a dozen times, and swore he would consider it a kindness if the devil had his secretaryship. Encouraged, however, with extravagant promises of what the future might have in store for him, he betook himself diligently in writing long and very eulogistic articles to the New York newspapers, in which he described the great deference paid them by the officers during the voyage, the wonderful reception at Buzabub, the great resources of the country, and the immense advantages that must resnlt from this mission. Nor did Tickler forget to mention that General Roger Potter was exactly the man to effect all our objects. Three whole days did the cunning critic occupy in the preparation of these marvellous accounts; which were so well larded with Latin quotations that the writers for "Putnam" went into ecstacies of delight over their great literary merits.
During this time the general became a lion of no small dimensions, and whether mounted on old Battle, or afoot, was so great an object of attraction that a swarm of urchins, from the smallest toddler in his buff to the more mature imp of fourteen, persisted in following close at his heels, presenting him with pomegranates and plantains, and, indeed, offering him such salutations as their instincts directed; for they fancied him the great school-master they had been told would one day come from the East to teach them how to be great men.
While all these things, then, were progressing, and the general seemed leaping to the apex of his fame, the officers of the ship, not content with the joke they had already perpetrated, resolved on having such a parting with him as would be both amusing and instructive. They therefore invited him to a grand banquet, which they represented as given out of sheer respect to his rare qualities as a diplomatist. And as he held all these ovations as so many jewels in the coronet of his popularity, the invitation was readily accepted. In truth, he flattered himself that news of this grand banquet would get to the ears of the king, who, seeing how much he was esteemed by his own countrymen, could not fail to make him any concession he might demand. He thereupon commanded his secretary to make him a speech of great strength and beauty, that he might astonish them quite as much with the profoundness of his learning as with the clearness of his understanding. "Faith! I am ready to write your excellency speeches by the dozen, with the quality to your mind; but as you never stick to one of them, I would suggest that if you but condescend to advance me a trifle of my salary, I can employ the time much more to my liking; for several comely damsels, with rich olive complexions, have already sang to me, and, as your excellency knows, I am a critic of tender parts."
"I see your drift, friend Tickler. But keep the devil from your elbow and you will soon forget the songs of these damsels. If they throw a sly wink or two, turn your back and walk away. Do this, and I will answer for your virtue. As to the speeches, no man could have made them more to my mind; and it was merely to show you the breadth of my own capacity that I did not stick to them."
"Yes, and there's the Latin! Though I crammed in my whole book of quotations, you would so hack it up in the delivery that neither the priests nor the devil could understand a word of it," curtly retorted Mr. Tickler.
When night came, they all prepared for the banquet, which, although not so sumptuous as those given in New York to great officials, was by no means a meagre affair, since it included a variety of dishes held as great delicacies by the Kaloramas. As to wines, the officers had an ample supply brought from the ship. All stronger beverages were got of the host of the inn in which the banquet was to come off, a fellow calling himself Fareni Faschi, but whose real name was Philip Fitzpatrick, a renegade who had committed crimes enough in New York, which place he trusted to his heels and left, in order to save his neck. Not to keep the reader longer in suspense, I will here inform him, whether gentle or simple, that no such banquet had ever before been given in Buzabub, and that General Potter took his seat on the right of the chairman, (who was no less a person than the commander!) amidst the sounding of trumpets and the jingling of symbol-bells. And so scrupulous was he of his uniform, that an attendant placed before him-not a napkin-but a large tablecloth, which so added to the humorous aspect of his face that even the priests present could not resist a smile. All now proceeded as jubilant as a marriage in Canon. The general gorged himself as never minister gorged himself before. Even Mr. Tickler, who sat at his right, looked with astonishment at the skill and alacrity with which his master demolished the various dishes set before him. As to the punches, highly-spiced cordials, and wines, he mixed them indiscriminately, and drank them with such a rapidity that Tickler became alarmed for the safety of his understanding. Indeed, it was so evident that his intellect was becoming deranged that the officers ordered the courses hurried as much as possible, for they were anxious to be rid of the priests, before whom they would not for the world have their country's great representative do aught damaging to his reputation. When, then, the attendants came to remove the cloth, the general looked up with astonishment, and addressed one of them thus: "I would not have you stop for me, gentlemen waiters, for I am a slow and dainty eater, and would like another turn at that well-seasoned pie." Tickler, who had been no way dainty about the number of glasses he quietly quaffed, touched his master significantly on the elbow. "Your excellency has need to look well to his manners," said he, "for those priests have their eyes polished, and are whispering no good."
"That dish of which your excellency has eaten with so much relish," rejoined the waiter, "is snale patte, a dish so rare and savory that it is all eaten up: but if your excellency will be patient we will have some more prepared expressly for him."
"Heavens, sir! spare yourself the trouble; for if it be such meat I have been eating, why then, to the priests with it; for I shall soon need a doctor." The priests overheard this remark, and thereupon arose, returned thanks, and retired. The chairman rose as soon as they were gone and made a speech, which he addressed to our hero, and with such clever irony that he sent the whole company into a titter. He congratulated our country on the possession of so famous a diplomatist as General Potter, a gentleman whose name would be a gem in our history, and whose wonderful achievements as a statesman had shed lustre upon our country's fame. "We have accompanied him here in safety; we regret to part with him; but feeling that he will prove himself a faithful sentinel of our country's interests, we devoutly pray that his mission may be an unprecedented round of successes," said he. Indeed, he astonished every one present with his facility for paying compliments, and so confused the general that he was at a loss what to say in reply. In short, he declared government had a rich inheritance in such persons, and was moved by a wise policy in sending abroad gentlemen not encumbered with a whole Babylon of tongues.
When the chairman had finished his speech the general rose with great pomp and circumstance to reply. He cast a wild and confused look about him, and then paused as if to collect his thoughts. "It must not be said of me that making speeches is not one of my functions, for, as your honor knows, I have made a score of them recently; but that which I just now had so pat at my tongue's end, and was just the speech for you, has got right out of my head, which just now feels like a split mountain. What you say of my services to my country is true enough; for I am none of your thieving politicians, but a man who acts under the patronage of honesty, which heaven knows is enough for any patriot. Faith of my father! and I can tell you that these expressions of sincerity and esteem gratify me much, for they are like so many suns and stars in the firmament of my glory-"
"If your excellency would only throw in a little of the Latin," interrupted Mr. Tickler, in a whisper; "such another chance will not offer these three years." But he resumed, heedless of the admonition: "And I would have every man who goes abroad carry his country in his pocket, not forgetting to take it out now and then for the purpose of worship." The speaker here became confused, and after making several ineffectual efforts to continue, settled into his chair and held his peace, as the commander and most of the guests took their departure, much gratified with the evening's entertainment. The general was now left with the officers and his secretary. And these fine young gentlemen were so bent on mischief that they pledged the "ambassador" and Mr. Tickler in bumpers, and with such rapidity that both were soon in a state of stupefaction. And for the nonce they laid the general full length upon the table. Mr. Tickler they placed in a sort of pillory with his hands and feet secured, his face painted most hideously, and the stuffed image of a huge Indian of savage aspect, fronting him, his spear poised.
And now, when it was passed midnight; when every snake in Buzabub had coiled himself up, shut his eyes and gone quietly to sleep; when pestering centipedes, lizards, and cockroaches were gone peaceably to their holes; and not even a monkey winked, lest he disturb the elements, which were hushed into perfect silence,-there might have been seen at the door of the inn no less an animal than old Battle, harnessed to a vehicle quite resembling those hearses used in the villages of New Jersey, and presenting in the pale moonlight a figure both forlorn and ludicrous. And this was further increased by a figure representing Death, mounted upon the poor animal, with his scythe and glass adjusted-the whole presenting a picture of death very like that described in Revelations as seated upon the pale horse. The face of the figure was deathly pale, his raiment was a sheet, and a tall, white cap was on his head; and for the rest he was in his buff. On the hinder part of the vehicle a figure of Time was mounted; while still another, representing the devil, was gravely mounted on a seat in front. Four mischievously-inclined gentlemen now made their appearance, staggering under the weight of our great and wonderful "ambassador," whom they thrust, head-foremost, into the vehicle. Never was minister plenipotentiary handled with so little ceremony: never was so famous a war-horse made to perform such shabby service, to the serious damage of his master's great reputation.
At the word, this curiously-equipped cortege drove rapidly to a great grotto, in which the distinguished dead of Nezub were placed, preparatory to being prayed through purgatory by the priests. And here, having safely secured and barricaded the entrance, General Roger Potter—statesman, philosopher, warrior, and politician—was left to sleep in the company of his faithful horse and the dead.
LIKE one slowly regaining from a state of stupor, with a generally disordered system and grievously sore bones, the general came to his understanding on the following morning, and to his utter astonishment found himself in a position where he could neither move to the right nor the left. All was dark, and a silence as of the tomb reigned. He had a dim recollection of the banquet; the vagaries of his past life flashed through his mind; the grand achievements he had fancied marking his future dwindled into disappointment. "As I'm a sinner," said he, struggling in vain to extricate himself, "this mission of mine is not all sunshine and feather beds." He now heard the kicking and frisking of his horse, and becoming somewhat alarmed, bawled out at the top of his voice for Father Segong and his secretary. But as his wily secretary was in no condition to come to his relief, even had he been within hearing distance, and the good priest was fast asleep in his chamber, the only reply he got was the echoes of his own bawlings. Mistaking the nature of the sounds, he came to the conclusion that the good priest had turned joker, and was trifling with his misfortunes. Losing his patience, then, he called his elbows into service, and succeeded after much perturbation in escaping feet-foremost from his shell. And as he stood erect upon his feet, a thousand queer fancies again crowded upon his mind and so haunted his imagination that all his courage vanished, and he began to feel in his heart that he had fallen into a trance, and been buried alive by the priests, who had left him in a state of probation until they could find time to pray him through purgatory. He felt and felt about the vehicle and the horse, who was so high of bone that he at once recognized him. "Battle! Battle! my trusty friend!" he exclaimed, almost dissolved in tears, "could I have seen that this was to be our end!" And with these words of condolence he patted him upon the neck until the animal was so deeply moved that he acknowledged the kindness with a neigh that sent all the bats in the grotto to fluttering; the noise of which was like distant thunder, and sent such a thrill of terror to the heart of our warrior that he opened not his mouth for several minutes. Indeed, as his courage had run out, he was upon the eve of giving himself up to despair. But discovering the cause, and suddenly calling to mind that he was a military man, as well as a politician, he regained his courage for the nonce, and feeling for his sword, which, fortunately, he had left at home, declared he would be the death of every bat in the cave.
The writer of this history, duly mindful of the value of truth, and moved by the great regard for that high honor and sincerity which rules at this day, feels constrained here to confess that the general was not without a suspicion that there might be a joke at the bottom of it all. He therefore commenced searching for an opening, but had not proceeded far when a faint gleam of light flashed through a crevice near the entrance, and, to his horror, discovered rows of rude coffins, standing upright, but with the ghastly faces of their inmates exposed, and made more unnatural by a pale glow of light playing over them. "Protect me, O father, protect me, for I am but a weak sinner, at thy mercy," he muttered, and fell upon his knee, as every ounce of his courage left him; several times he essayed to continue his prayer, but as praying was no part of his political creed, and was little practised by military men, his tongue failed to serve him. Sure now that he had been buried alive, he gave out several loud shrieks, and regaining his thoughts, said in a low, supplicating tone, "I acknowledge, O forgiving Lord, to have committed manifold sins, and to have merited the devil and his punishment, since, being a politician, I have told lies enough to sink a kingdom. Forgive me for the many stories I have told. I never was in Mexico, and solemnly declare that if you will be merciful to me, and restore me to my family, that I may not die in this charnel house, to forsake the life of a politician, and so devote myself to doing your will that when the end comes I shall surely be fit for the kingdom of heaven. Yes, merciful and forgiving Lord, there's that story of my first adventure in New York; draw near and forgive me, for I solemnly declare there is not a grain of truth in the whole of it, as you will see by comparing it with the facts of history." Again his tongue failed to serve him in prayer; again he yielded to his doubts; again he commenced shrieking at the very top of his voice. And this proved a most fortunate expedient, for an Indian girl, straying that way, overheard these distressing cries, and surmising that they proceeded from the grotto, hastened to the door, and letting down a little trap, a stream of light was admitted into the cave, when she discovered the general, who as suddenly started to his feet, and forgetting his promises to the angels, ran to the trap, and looking out into a sort of trench, demanded of the girl, (she was running terrified unto death,) that she stop and relieve him from his perilous position. But the girl ran screaming to the inn, and bid the host get to the grotto, "for" said she, in her own tongue, "I saw the devil in it, and he is surely the devil, for my eyes are good, and he looks exactly as father Segong describes him."
The host and several of the officers, swearing to have vengeance of the perpetrators of so foul a deed, hastened to the grotto, tore away the barricades, and affecting great indignation at the insult offered their representative, set him free. Indeed he had no sooner sallied forth than they beset him with offers of assistance to ferret out and hang the robbers, who they had not a doubt were the authors of this grave attempt on his life. They also vied with each other in offering him their regrets, which were bestowed with so much apparent sincerity that he was almost moved to tears, and at once set himself down as a man in no want of warm and true-hearted friends. "Verily, gentlemen, I thought my end was come, but my courage was not shaken a whit; I just resigned myself, for the soldier who fears death deserves a good hanging. But, pray Mr. Landlord, for you are no fool, what sort of a place do you call that! And if you say it was robbers who played me this dirty trick, why, I am content; but I have a notion that the priests know something about it, and in truth took this method of being rid of me, as well as getting a job at praying me into a better world." The general said this with so much simplicity of manner that the officers were astonished at his self-complacency. As to the host, he replied with becoming gravity, assuring the general that it was no trick of the priests, who were good and holy men, but of the Tutack robbers, who came from a neighboring country, and were much given to carrying off travellers of distinction, for whose ransom they demanded large sums. "If you will but give me the name of this country," interposed one of the officers, "we will sail there with the frigate, and take revenge for this insult offered to our representative; yes, we will blow down every town on the seaboard."
"If there be towns to blow down, the order must come from me, gentlemen. But we will let that matter rest until I get my army," rejoined the general, rubbing his eyes, and continuing to disfigure his face by mixing the colors with which they had painted it.
They had now reached the inn when they assisted him in washing his face, which they swore the bats had sadly disfigured. They also convinced him that they had been since grey dawn, searching the country round for him, which increased his confidence in their sincerity. And when he was restored to his natural brightness, and felt within himself that his dignity had not received the slightest damage, and indeed that such small misfortunes in no way interfered with his capacity to make great treaties in behalf of his country, the officers escorted him to the house of good father Segong, and then took a final leave of him. Not a word did they lisp concerning what had befallen his secretary.
On entering the house, which he did with a slight misgiving as to the quality of reception he would meet, the priest greeted him warmly, and made known to him the anxiety he had felt at his absence. "For," said he, "prayers were postponed, and breakfast has waited your excellency nearly an hour." Being told that his secretary was in the next room, he immediately repaired thither, and was much concerned to find him in great grief of mind. "If your excellency will but discharge me here, and put me in a way to get the trifle that is due me, that I may not starve while seeking my way home, he shall have my prayers all the rest of his life," spoke the secretary, looking up with so solemn a countenance that no man of heart could have withheld his pity.
"Pray, friend Tickler, what has befallen you?" inquired the general, with an air of astonishment.
"Yes! what has befallen me? That's neither here nor there! If instead of assisting you in making treaties, going to court, and enjoying ladies of distinction, the functions of a secretary consist in his being the victim of everybody's jokes, and getting trundled about like a Connecticut bumpkin, then I have no love for the office, and am resolved to return to my profession of critic; for I hold it better a man starve to death, than to be killed outright by these tortures." Not satisfied with this explanation, the general demanded that he should proceed. Tickler thereupon gave him an account of what had occurred; saying that when he came to his senses, he found the Indian facing him, with a poised spear; and indeed everything that took place, except the fury exited by his fears, and the manner in which he alternately shouted and prayed until he was released; to all of which the general listened attentively, but lisped not a word concerning his own troubles. In short, it was no difficult matter to see that Mr. Tickler had been harshly dealt with. "Friend Tickler!" exclaimed the general, "being a man of strong understanding, it is not becoming of you to take these trifles so to heart. And you are mistaken if you set it down to those young gentlemen, for I can swear it was done by the Tutack robbers, who were bent on having your money. But remember, that the more fortitude you display during the assaults of your enemies, the better will you be prepared to enjoy the luxuries that are in store for us both. Pray remember what glory there is in being a great diplomatist, which I warrant to make you. As to money, why, your pockets shall be full when we get to Nezub. Drive these trifles from your mind, let your thoughts be on your country, and when the time comes, I will make you a major, for I see you have gallantry!"
"It is well your excellency says that, since no man can say aught against my gallantry. And if it be to put it to this test, then I stick to your excellency, if he go to the devil." They now returned and took breakfast with the priest, receiving his blessing when it was over, and then proceeded to make preparations for the journey.