So far so well. The storm had been avoided. The cook and burly butcher bowed their heads humbly before their captain; for no matter where he led they were prepared to follow. Some said that the cook could only expect promotion by sticking through thick and thin to the coat-tails of old Dogvane; but the carpenter's spirit was mutinous, and he showed no disposition to dance either to the cook's organ, or to be monkey-led by the captain of the Starboard Watch.
Although the Buccaneer was somewhat pacified, he determined to look into things a little more himself, for, as he said, there could not be so much smoke without a certain amount of fire. To begin with, he told the captain of his watch that he intended interviewing the heads of some of his departments. Dogvane tried to dissuade his master. He said it would be unconstitutional and all sort of things. That the officials would not like it. They could not bear meddling; it hurt their dignity. But it was of no use, the Buccaneer was determined.
The high State officials who had the management of the affairs on board of the old ship thought, like most other servants, that they could best serve their master by squandering his money; and they did it right royally. Perhaps royally is not the proper word, for royalty is often careful, if not close, with its own money, whatever it may be with other people's.
The lavish manner in which the Buccaneer's servants spent his money was conspicuously shown in the administration of his army and navy, and in fact in all his public works. The one great principle being to spend a pound in laying out a penny, no matter whether it was a ship of war that had to be built or the mouth of a poor starving person that had to be filled. Whether this waste was due to carelessness, stupidity, or ignorance, or to a combination of all three, matters little. The result was the same.
Finding his master was not to be put off, Dogvane began to cry up his wares like the long shore cheap-Jacks.
"Your Navy, sir," he said, "is in excellent condition, though of course, the watch on shore deny this; but that is according to custom. We have placed your navy in the hands of those who have been chosen on purely constitutional principles. Here again, we show that we are not the revolutionist that our enemies would make us out to be. Your first lord of the Admiralty we have selected from amongst those who are distinguished for their ignorance in all maritime matters. Men who do not know a ship's head from a ship's tail. I believe I should, to be quite correct, call it stern. It is of course a difficult thing to find amongst an insular, and sea-faring people, any man absolutely ignorant, but we do our best, and no man can do more. One thus selected, sir, on purely constitutional principles, is more likely to be free from prejudice than your professional man, and he is likely to exercise a healthy check upon your sea lords, whose predisposition is to drift into bloated armaments and bloody wars. This, of course, means money, and your expenditure is already more than any of your neighbours, and if we have not as many ships, sailors, and soldiers, as we ought to have, or than what your neighbours have, we at least spend ever so much more money, which must be to you an extreme satisfaction. If they say, look at our armies! we say, look at our expenditure! Your fellows do not cost a quarter, or a fraction as much, man for man, as our fellows do, or ship for ship. Cheap things, it is well known, are not only not good, but they are frequently nasty. Although your first lord may be totally ignorant of all things pertaining to the sea, he is ably assisted by distinguished sailors, and your first sea lord is ever ready and willing to set your first lord right when he goes wrong, which he seldom if ever does, or if he does we never receive any official information on the subject. They all support their party. They see nothing they ought not to see, and are at all times ready to swear that whatever is, is right, as far their watch is concerned, and that whatever is, is wrong, as far as the other watch is concerned. Honest sailors can do no more."
"Master Dogvane, is this as it should be?" the Buccaneer asked.
"Most assuredly, sir. It is most constitutional, and according to your general custom."
"Master Dogvane, I have found you to be of a sanguine temperament. You told me my people were prosperous and contented. I have my doubts, and I shall satisfy myself. But of that anon. Let my first lord of the Admiralty be called."
The first lord was down below listening to the first sea lord spinning a yarn, and he was trying to learn how to do it; because at times he was called upon to spin yarns with reference to his department. As has been already stated in this most truthful history, there was a time when the Buccaneer ruled the stormy ocean. He was then one of the finest sailors that ever trod a plank or made use of a strange sea oath; but times had changed, and many thought that modern innovation had taken the wind out of his sails, and that he at present traded upon his past reputation. But people must say something.
The first lord of the Admiralty appeared. "Now, sir," said the Buccaneer, "take charge, and let me see what you can do." The whole sea-faring world had been so changed and modernized since the old Buccaneer had commanded in person, that he really knew very little about things; but ignorance can always be concealed by a discreet silence.
The first lord being thus called upon to show his professional knowledge, cried out, "Ease her! backer! stopper!" This was addressed through a speaking trumpet to the old Church Hulk alongside; but as she had never been known to move for years past, what the first lord said was without effect. Indeed the crew of the old Church ship were busily occupied in trying a rebellious priest who would neither mend his ways, nor leave his pulpit, but breathed defiance against the High Priest and all his ecclesiastical big guns.
"What is all that about?" exclaimed the Buccaneer, addressing his first lord.
"Those, sir, are nautical expressions I have picked up on the river," replied the first lord, "and I believe they are technically correct. If they are not, I have no official information on the subject."
The old Buccaneer not willing to display his ignorance, said, "I want, sir, to know what state your department is in. What have you been doing; and how are my ships?"
"I have spent your money, sir, right well. I have bought some very fine and fast new cruisers, and I gave as much for them as I decently could."
"How is this?" cried the Buccaneer, "I used to be the first shipwright in the world."
"Rest easy, sir," Dogvane said. "These goods are of home manufacture. It is your custom in times of peace to let your shipyards lie idle; but when a scare comes, as come they will, in the best regulated nation, then we buy your ships from private firms, and having husbanded your wealth, you can the more readily give high prices in cases of necessity."
"But is this wise, Master Dogvane?"
"It is constitutional, sir," was the captain's reply. He might have added that it was also a customary thing to sell these ships, for which so much had been given, for a mere song after the panic was over.
The first lord continued, "Then as to what I have done, sir, I have had the Admiral Superintendent's house at your principal naval station thoroughly repaired, cleaned, and re-decorated. All your ships that float are in a serviceable condition, and as they have no enemy to contend against, except the elements, they occasionally run into one another, just to keep their hands in, and occasionally a ship is sunk or disabled. Although we have a due regard for your great wealth, we do not encourage a too frequent repetition of this, as it is extremely costly. There is still 'a sweet little cherub that sits up aloft and looks out for the life of poor Jack.' That is, he would no doubt sit up aloft if he had anything to sit upon or any place to put it."
"You see, sir," exclaimed Dogvane with delight, "what excellent hands your navy is in. Your first lord can also tip you a stave, as they say at sea. He can sing you 'Oh! Pilot, 'tis a fearful night,' or 'All in the Downs,' he is also exceptionally good at a break down."
This high praise quite pleased the first lord, and wishing to advance himself still more in the good graces of his master, he said, "I can take an observation. I can use the strangest of sea oaths, and I can at all times make it eight bells."
"A man, sir, who can at all times make it eight bells, must needs be a good sailor," Dogvane said.
"But let me see him work the ship, Master Dogvane."
The first lord being thus called upon to show his professional skill, told the sea lord to stand by and look out for squalls, which he accordingly did.
"Close by fours—" cried the first lord; but the sea lord stopped him at once by saying, "Steady there, shipmate! you are getting mixed."
There was now a long discussion between the two lords of the Buccaneer's Admiralty. The first lord declaring he never mixed, the first sea lord declaring that he did. "Anyhow," cried the latter, "put your helm down and go about."
"Aye, aye," cried the first lord. "Helm's a lee; raise tacks and sheet. All hands splice the main brace!"
"Capital! capital!" exclaimed Dogvane, "your first lord, sir, is indeed an excellent sailor. He can actually splice the main brace and I feel sure that must be a most arduous undertaking; requiring much skill and intelligence. He seems, indeed, to be gaining so much knowledge of his profession that I shall have to move him to some other department, probably the army; he has some slight knowledge of military matters, but not enough to render him unfit for the post of secretary of State for war. Fortunately the heads of your different departments are all inter-changeable."
"How about his accounts, Dogvane?" the Buccaneer asked.
"Ah! there, sir, I think you will find his ignorance most creditable. Accounts are a sort of thing that no high official could possibly be expected to understand."
"What does my sea lord say?" asked the Buccaneer.
"Rivet my bolts and split my plates! what do I say."
"Note, sir, the change," Dogvane exclaimed. "It used to be shiver my timbers, you see, sir, your first sea lord is quite in keeping with the progress of the age. These changes of course have not been brought about without much trouble and at great expense."
"What do I say, your honour!" cried the first sea lord, "why clear the decks for action and strike up the band."
"What!" exclaimed the Buccaneer, as the blood mounted to his face, "are we going to have a naval engagement? I have not seen such a thing, Dogvane, for these many years past."
The Buccaneer now looked on with surprise at the first sea lord, who, having thrown aside his cocked hat, folded his arms and danced round the deck on the circumference of a circle.
"What is all this, Master Dogvane?" the Buccaneer asked.
"He is going to dance you a hornpipe, sir. Your people are particularly fond of such things and they would come in crowds from miles away to see your first sea lord do the double shuffle."
"But I don't want to see it, so stop him. I want to know something about my ships."
With very great difficulty the first sea lord was stopped, for he was well under weigh and it was some little time before they brought him up by hanging on to the swallow tails of his coat.
"What do I say?" he cried. "That must depend very much upon what I am expected to say. How's your head, captain?" This was addressed to Dogvane and was meant as a signal of distress, and not as an expression of solicitude for Dogvane's cranium. The hint was taken and the captain said that their master wanted to know if his ships were well found and whether he still ruled the sea.
To this the sea lord replied, "Every ship, sir, that is not in Davy Jones' locker, has the sea well under her, and, therefore, it may be asserted that she has complete control of the sea."
"Davy Jones' locker!" cried the Buccaneer in amazement, "why I sent very few of my ships there in olden days and my enemies sent still fewer."
Dogvane explained to his master that rapid strides had taken place in all things naval and that great changes had been brought about. "We have been so pressed for room, sir," he exclaimed, "that we have been obliged to turn Davy Jones' locker into one of your principal dockyards, where we keep many of your ships which are not required for immediate use."
The first sea lord doused, as sailors say, his starboard glim, and contemplated old Dogvane with the other, while a look of admiration and a jovial smile played over his weather-beaten face as he answered:
"Aye, aye, sir, and every year we send a ship or two there to be repaired. The remainder we tinker up ourselves." The old Buccaneer made no answer. Things had evidently changed very much indeed since he was himself afloat, but it never does for a master to display a want of knowledge before his servants. As to whether the Buccaneer had lost his skill in seamanship and ship-building was merely a matter of opinion. But there could be no doubt that anything he had lost in one direction was amply made up by what he had gained in the tinkering line. Here he could not be surpassed.
"All your guns," continued the first sea lord, "that are neither cracked nor burst are in excellent condition. Every ship that does not want for anything is particularly well found, and your sailors, sir, are as jolly and rollicking a lot of devils as ever turned a quid or drained a tot of grog."
"Capital! capital!" cried Dogvane, as he clapped his hands with delight, "such skill and knowledge must be rewarded. We must bestow some high distinctions upon these two officials. We must ennoble them and send round your Hat of maintenance." The lords of the Admiralty were then dismissed.
In passing, it may be said that the old Buccaneer had navigated the world in ships that, beside his present monsters, were but as cockle shells, and all his great victories had been gained on board his old wooden walls; but now his seamen were incased in iron or steel and had to live and fight almost under water, and it was a matter of constant dispute as to whether the Buccaneer had ships enough even to defend his own shores. Some people going so far as to say that not only had he not enough ships, but that he had no guns for what he had.
The Buccaneer's War Minister now received his summons, as in naval matters, so in military. The high official who had charge of his army, and was responsible for the safety of the Buccaneer's vast empire, was totally ignorant, or nearly so, of all things connected with the military profession. When Dogvane descanted upon his ignorance of all things military, the Buccaneer exclaimed: "Stay, Master Dogvane! if my body is ailing should I not send for a physician, one skilled in disease? If my mind is disturbed upon some spiritual matter should I not send for my spiritual adviser? And if I want a legal opinion should I not go to my lawyer?"
"If you did, sir, I do not hesitate to tell you that you would be acting in an altogether unconstitutional manner."
"What! then if I want a coat made I should not go to my tailor? If I want a pair of boots I should seek some other than my shoemaker to make them?"
"Undoubtedly, sir, for such ever has been your custom, and who will say that it has not worked well; for you are both wealthy and great. Your plan ever has been to put the roundest of men into the squarest of holes. It is a fortunate thing, sir, that human nature is so pliable that it can adapt itself to any condition."
The War Minister was in his particular part of the ship, occupied, together with the most eminent of the Buccaneer's military officers, in testing and trying which of all the advertised food for infants was best adapted to the requirements of the Buccaneer's military babes. They had not settled this weighty matter when the War Minister received his summons. Not being a soldier he was completely taken by surprise, of course no soldier would allow himself to fall into such a perilous position; but to show his comrades that he had not lost his self possession he altered somewhat an old song of the Buccaneer's to suit present purposes, and went away merrily singing:
"I'm afloat, I'm afloatIn the old Ship of State,The sailor's professionI cordially hate."
"I'm afloat, I'm afloatIn the old Ship of State,The sailor's professionI cordially hate."
No doubt his thoughts were wandering back to the time when he himself had been at sea. In all probability he had had charge of the Buccaneer's navy and becoming too full of knowledge had been removed to the army. When he appeared before his master he became quite flustered. The official mind does at times, it is well known, play sad tricks, and displays upon occasions the most wonderful oblivion. When asked as to the state his department was in, he replied: "Quite ship-shape, sir, and ready for sea."
"It appears to me, sir," said the Buccaneer, "that you are at sea."
"Am I? Then let me go below. Like many others, I suffer until I get accustomed to the up and down motion. The lee lurches and weather rolls disturb me. The smell of the oil and tar is offensive, and the result is painful. Then the sailor's quaint oaths I cannot understand. I dare not chew, I cannot smoke, and I do not care to drink, so I feel convinced I was never meant for the sea."
The War Minister was brought sternly back to his senses by Captain Dogvane, who told him in a severe tone to "wake up," and remember that he was at present in charge of the Buccaneer's Land Forces.
The War Minister was profuse in his apologies, and said: "In my time, sir, I have filled so many posts that I occasionally get confused. Your Army, sir, is most efficient, and I am proud to be able to tell you that you pay more for your food, for powder, than any other nation under the sun. This to one of your vast wealth must be a source of the greatest satisfaction; indeed, it must be a glorious thing to contemplate. We have recently made vast preparations, which of course have been costly."
"This, sir, is as I told you, and will account for the money you advanced me, over that little affair in the East."
"Ah! Master Dogvane, how is that going on?"
"Excellently well, sir," was Dogvane's reply; "at least I have no official information to the contrary. At present, sir, things nearer home claim our attention."
The War Minister continued: "We have laid in an immense amount of warlike stores, and these, as every one knows, are most costly articles, and it takes far more to kill a man in the present state of military science than it would take to keep him alive and in comparative comfort to the crack of doom. On paper, sir, I can mobilize an army, on paper I could place it in the field and on paper I could feed and clothe it. I could, if called upon, club either a battalion, a brigade or even a division."
Dogvane was not a soldier, but he thought it right to encourage his subordinates whether they were right or wrong, so he exclaimed: "Capital, capital!" Then turning to his master, he said: "Beyond this, sir, you could not expect your War Minister to go. For a general deficiency in professional knowledge I feel sure it would be hard to find his equal. For your practical information you must go to your Field Marshal Commanding-in-Chief, than whom I am told you have no better soldier, and no one has done more to stamp out from amongst your soldiers the pernicious habit of using bad language; and this has not been done by any brutal exercise of power, but all by kindness and the force of good example."
"Then my Field Marshal never swears?" the Buccaneer asked.
"Never, sir; at least," he said aside, "hardly ever."
The Buccaneer, being a very religious man, was very pleased to hear this. "But what is all this I hear," he said, "about my poor fellows who are fighting for me not having proper food?"
"The campaign in which you are at present engaged in the East."
Dogvane stopped the War Minister abruptly, and went into a long explanation. He drew many subtle distinctions as before, between different kinds of warlike operations some of which he said, though offensive in form were purely defensive in essence. In fact, if looked at from a proper point of view were no operations at all. Dogvane's reasoning was of such an obscure nature that nobody could understand it, and there were doubts in the minds of some as to whether Dogvane himself understood what he was talking about.
The Buccaneer, fearing he might get out of his depth if he followed his captain too far, came back to the main charge, and said to his War Minister: "I am told my soldiers' food was so bad that they could scarcely eat it. That their tea and coffee was mere filth, and that even the water they had to drink was of the vilest description, and this too, when I am surrounded by the newest inventions which will make the muddiest stream as pure as crystal, and I spare no expense?"
"None whatever, sir," was the War Minister's reply. "I can assure you we pay the highest price for everything, and we can do no more. We have heard no complaints, and vague rumours we never heed." The official ear on the Buccaneer's island was quite as deaf as what the official eye was blind. Dogvane said he should not be at all surprised if all these reports were put about by the other watch, or as likely as not by that busy little devil, Random Jack. "All about your War Office, sir," he said, addressing the Buccaneer, "look particularly well fed, and are well clothed. I have not seen a crack in either coat or trouser. They seem to want for nothing, and they are, I presume, a fair sample of the whole; but satisfy yourself, sir. Ask your Field Marshal if he is well fed and well clothed, and as the fountain-head, so, no doubt, is the stream that flows from it. No expense has been spared, I can assure you."
"And so, Master Dogvane, you all think to serve best my interests by squandering my money, which goes into the capacious pockets of the money grabbing rascally contractors."
"We have it, sir, on the authority of your only general, who, though an Ojabberaway, is worthy of credence, that, at no time in your whole history has your army been in so excellent a condition."
"Have I then only one general?" the Buccaneer asked in surprise.
"Only one that we have officially any knowledge of; for further information on that subject, sir, I must refer you to your Commander-in-chief. Your military administration is distinguished for its very great zeal and energy. For long and weary hours—in fact, from 10 o'clock in the morning till 4, or even 5 o'clock in the dewy evening, the busy brains of your War Office officials are constantly at work grinding up all military ideas to a common level of official pulp, and it says a very great deal for the quality of the official brain that it has never yet broken down under the severe strain that has been put upon it. There has not been, as far as I know, a single instance of well authenticated madness inside your War Office. Go to your arsenals, and you will find them a busy hive of industry. The hive is occasionally blown up by an explosion, but the operatives, as a class, are happy and contented. Your military nurseries are full of the most promising children, who will, should they survive the many ills that childish flesh is heir to, develop, no doubt, into most excellent soldiers. Is it not so?" This latter was addressed to the War Minister, who said that it was, and added: "They have all been vaccinated, and most of them have had the measles, and not a few the whooping-cough. In olden days, sir, your battles were fought by the scum of your populations. This great blot in your military system we are eradicating, and in the future, sir, moral force, which, it has been estimated, is equal to about three to one of physical force, will play no mean part in all your military undertakings. Therefore, multiplying your units by three gives you a first fighting line of over 500,000 men, with a total fighting power of about one million and a half."
"Take care, sir," said the Buccaneer, "that you do not make my soldiers too thin skinned. A pampered dog won't fight, and a hound too finely bred will not face the prickles of a gorse bush. Whatever my soldiers were in the past they fought well, and have built up for me a reputation, that I hope my soldiers of to-day and those who lead them and those who guide them will know how to keep. The deeds, Master Dogvane, of the brave lads that are gone are written on tablets placed on the walls of the Temple of Fame. Let no foul breath of calumny be breathed over them, for whatever sins they have committed have been washed out with their own blood. One thing, Master Dogvane, they at least had, and that was, good trusty steel."
Dogvane took the hint, and thought that a little candour would best serve his purpose. "It has come to my ears, sir, that our modern steel is not quite up to the mark, so to test it I have ordered a Royal Commission to sit upon our bayonets and cutlasses, and if they can support without bending or breaking so severe a strain, their temper must be good indeed. It has been said too, amongst other things, that your machine guns occasionally jam and I will not deny that it is so, when they are in the hands of your sailors, but, then, they are such merry devils that they would jam almost anything."
The War Minister now being called upon to continue his report, said: "Your militia, sir, which has always been considered the backbone of your army gives us little or no consideration, and it seems to get on very well without our interference. Whatever care, attention, and patronage we have to spare we bestow it upon your volunteers—a most worthy body of men, costing you but little; not encumbered with too much equipment, and fed and nourished almost entirely upon official butter, which is the cheapest of all articles of food, on a recent occasion, sir, when you were engaged in operations in Egypt."
"In Egypt!" the Buccaneer exclaimed, and the hot words of the gipsy came back upon him, and he was lost for a while in his own moody thoughts.
For a time the War Minister spoke to deaf ears. "You bought thousands of camels, and mules, and pack-saddles innumerable. After the purchase was completed we were delighted to find that these saddles were for the most part perfectly useless, as they would not fit any animal in your possession, so we were enabled to sell them at a considerable loss."
"Is this right, Master Dogvane?" the Buccaneer asked, waking up.
"It is quite constitutional, sir, and is the result of your peculiar and long cherished system. I do not say that things would not work better under a round hole for a round man plan; but you are so accustomed to the other that to change might be dangerous. It would certainly be revolutionary."
The War Minister continued. "In purchasing your stores, sir, we also acted upon principle and custom. We gave as few orders as possible to your own people; but distributed them as evenly as we could amongst your neighbours."
The Buccaneer was about to make a reply; but Dogvane nipped it in the bud by saying: "It is quite constitutional, sir." If this was so of course the old Sea King had nothing to say, for he loved his constitution.
"Our beef and pork," said the War Minister, "we get from our cousin, the cheap-Jack Jonathan. Our sauce we get from your neighbour, Madame France."
"Do you remember what a neatly turned ankle she had, sir?" said Dogvane, who, like all sailors and not a few landsmen, had a great admiration for the ladies.
"Our pickles," the War Minister continued, "we get from Germany, and are of a well known brand, high flavoured and satisfying. As we are the very best tinkers in the world, our pots, pans, and camp kettles we make and mend at home. We feed your full-grown soldiers on worn-out draught-bullocks brought over from Holland, and on the most delicious messes. We give them a highly flavoured stew peculiar to the Ojabberaways. They have had an abundance of Egyptian hash. This again has been varied by a goodly supply of Indian curry, Afghan ragoût, and a very savoury mess peculiar to Burmah. I may just mention in passing, that through the most creditable carelessness on the part of one of your generals we got rid of a very large number of camels, which were slaughtered by the enemy; thus saving us the trouble and expense of their keep. For any other information I must refer you to your Field Marshal."
Dogvane dismissed this official, praising him very much for the state of his department.
When the distinguished soldier appeared, who was at the executive head of the army, he stood in the attitude peculiar to soldiers. His head was erect and every limb was rigid, and the arms were extended by the side of the body, fingers straight and closed on the thumbs, which were in a line with the seams of his trousers. This is the easy and graceful attitude of military respect as laid down by regulation.
"How, sir, is it that you have allowed my army so to deteriorate that I have only one general?" asked the Buccaneer, as he cast upon his Field Marshal a look of pride. "At one time I could count them by the scores."
"Sir, two kings cannot sit on one throne, and at present your island is not sufficiently large to hold more than your only general."
The Buccaneer showed extreme solicitude for the well being of his only general, whose life was, of course, extremely precious, so he exclaimed: "Field Marshal! I command you on all occasions to protect the life of my only general. Form yourself into a rampart round him and save him from the bullets of my enemies. Even as David in the days of old sent Uriah the Hittite to the front of the battle, so send I you, should I be engaged in any military operation either of an offensive or defensive nature."
The Field Marshal, commanding in chief, no doubt felt keenly the very great confidence thus placed in him, though of course it would not have been in keeping with the tradition of his profession to show any outward signs of exultation.
The captain of the watch, seeing the great concern that the Buccaneer had on account of the dearth of generals, and knowing his love for the Bible, tried to console him by saying: "Fear not sir! that Providence which shapes our ends, rough hew them as we may, will find you with other generals, even as Abraham was provided by Heaven with a ram in the bush."
Sometimes the most trivial circumstance will ward off the most serious catastrophe, and the remark of Dogvane gave the old Sea King an opportunity to indulge in a little pleasantry. "A general in the hand, Master Dogvane," he said, "is worth two in the bush." Now, however small a joke may be, or indeed however heavy and obscure, it is the duty of all subordinates to see it at once, and to laugh at it immoderately. This was shown to an eminent degree even in the Buccaneer's Courts of Justice, the atmosphere of which was so charged with judicial gravity that the slightest possible humour on the part of a judge was quite sufficient to convulse the whole court and bar with laughter. The Commander-in-chief being in uniform could not laugh as much as he would have done, had he not been so buttoned up. It was his duty to appreciate the joke of the Buccaneer, and in a matter of duty the Field Marshal was never found wanting. Dogvane laughed as immoderately as if the joke had been his own. The clouds having been dispelled by merry peals of laughter the Buccaneer asked if his soldiers were as good as those who fought at Ramillies and Waterloo; these being two of the Buccaneer's most famous battles. The Field Marshal was obliged to answer this officially. He said that as far as brute strength and physical force were concerned, that perhaps the soldier of to-day was not quite equal to the soldier of the past; "but," he added, "what he has lost in stature and chest measurement he has gained in morality and sobriety. The men of Ramillies drank deeply, and those of Flanders swore terribly hard, so we are told; no doubt on account of some peculiarity in the climate; but now, sir, by the force of my own good example I have done very much towards stamping out the pernicious habit of making use of bad language from amongst your soldiers."
"So I have heard," replied the Buccaneer, "and it does you extreme credit." What a gross iniquity to call so good a man as our Buccaneer a psalm-singing, old humbug! It only shows what a hold envy, hatred, uncharitableness, and even malice, have upon the human mind.
"Field Marshal!" said the Buccaneer, addressing the Commander-in-chief, "you have done well, and it is my intention to reward you. I can bestow upon you no greater title than you at present possess, and of income you have ample, so I cannot increase that; but knowing how much you have at heart the welfare of the profession which you yourself so much adorn, I wish to give you some mark of my high esteem and favour. I therefore command Dogvane, that my army be at once increased by one man and two boys."
Hearing this the Commander-in-Chief was overcome with emotion, and Dogvane said, "My master is indeed generous. I am myself much against bloated armaments; but still it is as well to strike at times a little awe into our neighbours, who are always peacocking about Europe, and they will respect us all the more. With this increase, and the aid of our reserves, and our brave auxiliaries, our army will be placed on a war-footing. No doubt all this will not be without its effect upon the Eastern Bandit, and will assist King Hokee in his undertaking."
In spite of what Will Dogvane had said to the contrary there was discontent in the Buccaneer's island. Now the sound was far away; now it surged up and dashed against the old gentleman's ears like the angry surf upon the sea-shore. It is necessary to make some little mention yet of the cause of this disaffection. His toilers and his moilers were undoubtedly very much better off than what they had been, and considerably better off than those of many of his neighbours. They earned more wages, and worked less hours, and in recent years wages had increased nearly twofold; but it must be owned that they were less thrifty, and loved too well their pewter pot. His population, however, had increased to such an extent, and other nations had entered into such competition with him, producing many things as good and as cheap, and even very much cheaper, that he had lost the control over the markets of the world, consequently many even of the skilled hands were idle, and for the unskilled, the weakly, and the sick, their case was still harder, yet every mouth had to be fed, and every body clothed. All kinds of medicines were prescribed by the multitude of doctors, who were forever trying to treat the disease. Then behind those above alluded to there came a gang who would only work at cutting throats and picking pockets, and who were always ready to join in any cry, or any movement, that might tend to advance their particular calling.
The carpenter had addressed the family of Hodge on more occasions than one, and he had told them that they were the most pathetic figure in the whole of the Buccaneer's social system, for that they were condemned to unremitting toil, with only the poor-house before them. Alas! that the cry should ever come from honest Hodge that all he asked for was work. This poor fellow does commend himself to the sympathy and compassion of all; for the sunniest side of his life is to work with bent back and horny hands from sun-rise to sun-down. But he was not the most pathetic figure in the Buccaneer's island. Behind him Poverty came struggling along, and with barely food enough to keep body and soul together, brought forth and increased without the slightest thought for the morrow. Pity was forever trying to help her, and over her sad lot she shed an abundance of tears. The old coxswain tried to reason with her; but all to no purpose, she clung to her wretched hovels and held on her own way. Nature took her in hand occasionally, and taught her a lesson in a rough and ready fashion. Our universal mother is not soft-hearted, and she never spoils her children by sparing the rod, so when Poverty's family becomes overcrowded, she works off the surplus by disease, when the guilty and the innocent suffer alike. Is not Mercy to be seen standing in the back ground?
The old Buccaneer thought to find some healing power in the fruit taken from the tree of knowledge, so that Poverty's children partaking thereof might learn somewhat of the blessings of thrift, temperance, industry, and self-denial. But is not the fruit of this tree somewhat like that flower of which a celebrated friar once said:
"Within the infant rind of this small flower,Poison hath residence, and medicine power."
"Within the infant rind of this small flower,Poison hath residence, and medicine power."
In the above nature of things lay the root of very much of the discontent. The tools lay ready for the worker's hands. The worker being that human wind bag, called an agitator; one who would find fault with the order of things even in heaven itself.
This wind bag is forever holding up before the eyes of his dupes a picture painted in the most gorgeous colours; plenty without labour, and a general basking in the sunshine of idleness. He points the finger at wealth, and cries out with a loud voice, "There lies the cure for all your suffering; see how high above your heads the rich man looks. Go take, eat and be merry, to-day live, for to-morrow you die." To the empty stomach, and the ragged back this doctrine has a pleasant sound. Neither is it without its effect upon that large multitude who have to earn a scanty living by the sweat of their brow. The uncertainty of the daily bread; the fear of sickness, and the cry of hungry children open the ears sometimes even of the well disposed. Then amongst many other things, man is by nature a lazy animal, and will not work except in rare instances, unless necessity compels him. Take the noble savage of whom honourable mention has already been made. He only hunts by compulsion; for want of food in fact, which, having found, he lies down and sleeps, and idles his time away until necessity prods him in the stomach again, and sends him off to his happy hunting grounds. Man is the same wherever found, and if anybody will provide him with food and clothes, without any exertion on his part he will not say him nay, nor will he show much gratitude. He will soon learn to look upon it as a right.
There were a good many kind-hearted people in the Buccaneer's island who were doing all they could to develop and foster this innate love of idleness. Already the people had their food for the mind given to them free of charge in the shape of free libraries, and soon the cry for free food for the body might be expected to rise up all over the land, to be followed in due course by a demand for community of property. This, indeed, was already being whispered about. It is an unmitigated evil to take from the individual the responsibility of keeping himself, and bringing up his family. He will not work if you do, and the train of poverty becomes increased, and there is no limit to the extension. As the Devil even is supposed at times to quote Scripture, so do the wind bags, who play upon the wants of the people, frequently base their doctrine of universal plunder upon the teachings of Christ. But did not a small band of early Christians try this share and share alike principle? But it did not answer, and see what has come of it. The pomp, magnificence, splendour and wealth of the Roman Catholic Hierarchy with its Priest-King. Who too would think that the pride and majesty of the Buccaneer's State Church with its High Priest clothed in temporal as well as spiritual power took its rise from the teachings of Him, who gathered on the shores of the sea of Galilee a few simple and faithful disciples to whom He preached the doctrine of humility, chastity, poverty, and love, and a charity as bountiful as the rain which falls from heaven on flowers and weeds alike. Did He not say to them "Provide neither gold nor silver, nor brass in your purses, nor scrip for your journey, neither two coats, neither shoes, nor yet staves; for the workman is worthy of his meat?" Ah! the meat, sometimes called hire; there lies the rock upon which so many run, and their frail barks are shivered to pieces; allured to their destruction by the songs of a siren called Mammon.
But the priest he has a stomach as well as the layman. He has a back too which must be covered, and he has his many other wants that must be attended to. One has taken to himself a wife, and he would fain have his Lord excuse him, on her account. Another has many children who have to be fed, clothed, and taught, and put out into the world. Then things have changed since the days even of St. Paul. Wages have very much increased, and around religion there has grown surroundings that must be attended to for the sake of the uncrowned queen Respectability. Ask not how all these mighty things have been brought about. Without doubt, the Buccaneer's High Priest or anyone of his learned ecclesiastics could explain all to you in a most satisfactory manner. They would tell you how the Scriptures have to be construed to suit the needs of modern Christians. The mighty "This" has he contracted and the small "That" has to be stretched; but so long as an orthodox priest sits upon the box of your coach and four, it matters little where, and through what he drives.
Briefly, it may be said, that community of property has no charm except for that class of a community known by the name of rogues and vagabonds. Then, as if the very Devil was in it, the Buccaneer's women were beginning to cry out for more liberty, and disaffection seemed to have taken a strong hold upon the female breast. The advanced portion of these wanted to overturn the present order of things, and to put up in its place, a sort of Hen Convention in which women were to have equal rights and apparently man's privileges as well as their own. To tell these women that they had a sphere, was merely to excite their ridicule, and court their contempt. But the strangeness of the thing was, that while the men were crying out because they had not work sufficient to keep them in many cases from starving, the women wanted to increase the difficulty still more by entering the same fields of labour. Of course poor women must live, and if men are so selfish that they will not keep them in the Holy bonds of matrimony, why, the women must keep themselves. It is true that the men did show an indisposition to set upon their hearth a rival, who instead of attending to domestic duties, might give them a political lecture or a discourse upon either ethics, philosophy, or science. The women too out-numbered the men; spinsters growing more numerous every day, and as it is well-known that the mortality amongst the males of all species is far greater than that amongst the females, on account of the greater risk they run, the above evil might be expected to increase rather than diminish, unless nature took the matter in hand and balanced matters by an epidemic amongst the women. But as matters now stood, the conspiracy amongst the Buccaneer's female sex bid fair to be far more serious than that of the cook's caboose.
It has been said that the man who allows a woman to usurp his authority is in a pitiful condition, for that it shows he has lost somewhat of his manhood. One thing is certain, the woman he has to live with will not respect him, and it is more than probable that she will take the earliest opportunity to show her contempt. It is still worse when this applies not to an individual here and there, but to the majority of a people.
What voice is that crying out that we insult the whole of womanhood? Good lady, if you cast aside your bodkin, and take up the weapons that have hitherto been considered as peculiar to man, you must not cry out when you feel yourself injured. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. "A foolish woman is clamorous; but a good woman retaineth honour." So said one, who is accounted the wisest man that ever lived.
It does not appear that the true position of woman in the world's economy has yet been clearly defined. She was once man's slave. She is now supposed, in all civilised countries, to be his helpmate and companion, and in the Buccaneer's island she showed a strong disposition to become his rival. Poetry has assigned to her a place amongst the angels; reality, on the other hand, has frequently given her a place amongst the devils. Then again she is supposed to be weak and fragile, but though she may not be able to walk a mile in pure fresh air, she will dance many, and several nights a week in the fetid atmosphere of a ball-room. Although she takes little or no healthy exercise, the general woman's appetite is good if not absolutely robust, and although they are all more or less invalids, they generally outlive man. A recent philosopher amongst the Buccaneer's people had said, when speaking of woman, that though eminently adapted to that position for which God apparently intended her, she is not from her constitution and make, adapted to take man's place in the world, and by attempting such a thing all concerned must lose. Unfortunately, the Buccaneer's advanced women did not seem to see this, and they seemed disposed to quarrel with the work of our Creator. The woman's character is conflicting. When she is drawn by her sister, she does not at times appear in too beautiful colours; for she is frequently depicted as vain, silly, jealous, weak, cruel and revengeful, often kissing the sister she intends to stab, and in this resembling somewhat those reptiles which slobber over the victim they intend to devour. But is it the model or the artist who is at fault?
From history we learn that the presence of woman upon the earth has not been an unmixed blessing, for she seems to have caused as much sorrow as ever she has joy, and the estimation in which she was held in ancient Biblical times is pretty well manifested by the author of the Mosaic Cosmogony, who attributes to her the damnation of the whole human race. Through her first act of disobedience man first tasted of the cup of misery, and she has been holding the cup to his lips ever since. Constituted as woman is, was it not cruel to place an injunction on that fatal tree? for, tell a woman not to do a thing and she is pretty certain to do it. Of course our first father did not act over honourably. If he had been imbued with the principles of modern chivalry he would have screened Eve; have sworn, perhaps, that she was not at all to blame, and finished up by flinging the apple at the tempter's head. But man ever had, and always will have an ungodly stomach, and so Adam took the apple and did eat. Notwithstanding the chivalry aforesaid it is generally believed that there are more Adams in the world now than what there are Josephs, and if the trial of the apple came over again, man would fall even as he fell before, though he were to be ten times more damned. It is a thousand and one pities that the arch Fiend did not wait until Eve had become a little old and ugly, for then Adam might have refused the apple and the whole human race might have been saved.
The Essenes would not marry, not because they denied the validity of the institution or its necessity, but because they were convinced of the artfulness and fickleness of the female sex. Then again, the Buddhist believed, if he does not believe, that no woman could attain a state of supreme perfection. The accomplished woman becomes man.
Read where we will, and what we will, and let us bend our steps whither we like, and we find that woman is generally believed to be at the bottom of everything. We are told that Metellus Numidicus, the censor, acknowledged to the Roman people in a public oration that had kind nature allowed us to exist without the help of women, we should be delivered from a very troublesome companion. But, though man still growls, poets still sing about woman, lovely woman, and though man sometimes finds her a devil, painters still depict her in the form of an angel, and man's imagination fills heaven with beings in her shape and likeness.
To be just; has not woman somewhat to complain of? Was she not made after man, and, as some think, of the refuse material? Then again has she not been sent into the world with, on an average, five ounces less brains than the allowance given to man? And has she not, from the very beginning, been obliged to bear patiently, and for the most part with meekness, all these slights and insults? And to finish, was she not made as a meet and fitting companion for man? Who will be so impious as to say that she was spoilt in the making? Alas! we cannot do without her; no matter how uncomfortable we may at times be with her; and a smile, or a tear, on a pretty face will blot out and efface all the splutterings that fall from the pen of ill nature.
What man is there who has not created in his mind some womanly idol, and here often lies the misfortune; for idols will fall and break into thousands of pieces; but until the catastrophe happens, we worship at our shrine and look upon fair forms with heavenly faces; bright radiance is shed over every feature, and we are in an atmosphere free from all impurity. We look up to and adore a being whose soul is never clouded by a base thought; whose chaste and cherry lips never give utterance to a tainted word. One who can be pure without being a prude; gentle and charitable without there being a suspicion even of foolishness; one who can be sensible without being masculine, and innocent without being a vain and frivolous idiot.
Do I dream? Hush then! do not wake me. Let me wander on, if only for a brief space in the realms of fancy. I will build for myself castles, and will people them with fair fantasies. What lovely faces do I see! fit indexes for pure and intelligent minds. Complexions never touched by the paint soiled fingers of Art, but as delicate as the petals of a lily, with the faint blush of the setting sun resting upon them, the whole crowned with a woman's glory dipped in sunshine and not in dye. What lovely forms, clothed in silver sheen and girdled with golden belts made in the armoury of the King of Day!
The Buccaneer not being able to obtain any reliable information, for reasons already mentioned, and the voice of the disaffected becoming louder and louder every day, he determined to hold a grand court, when all grievances could be made known, and all wrongs if possible redressed.
When old Dogvane heard of this fresh departure of his master from the beaten paths of custom, he was very much disturbed. "What, my master!" he said, "take the muzzle off people's mouths? Rest assured, sir, that wherever there are human beings, there will be discord and discontent, which, if encouraged, will soon break through the bounds of moderation and flood the whole country. Think you, sir, there is a single one in all your realms who looks upon himself as well treated, though for many of them hanging would be too good? Say but the word and every molehill of discontent will be turned into a mountain of no mean size."
It was of no use, the Buccaneer had made up his mind, so the proclamation was sent out and vast preparations were made. There was soon great commotion all along the hard. People busy, and a constant running to and fro. Loads of timber were brought and placed all ready for the carpenter's hands. There was very much sawing, chiselling and hammering from early morning until late at night. Bit by bit a huge structure was built up just in front of the old Constitution public house, which was, for the time, quite hidden from view by the tiers of seats, which commencing from a low dais or platform, rose up to a considerable height behind, being as high indeed as the roofs of the tallest houses. On the dais and in the centre, there was placed a chair of State, and the seats immediately behind this were of superior make and were draped with crimson cloth of superior quality. The awning overhead was of cloth of gold, and banners were fixed in every suitable place, while tall flag poles reared their heads and displayed a cloud of different coloured bunting. Flags of every nation were to be seen, and altogether it was a noble sight. Then all the windows along the hard were dressed out gaily, and festoons of natural and unnatural flowers were hung about from poles, windows, and roofs. The old Ship of State was decked in holiday attire, and flags fluttered in the breeze from her mast heads down to the very water's edge. It was indeed a noble sight to see the Buccaneer's two ships, and his chief city thus arrayed.
The day at length dawned that was to witness this wonderful pageantry. Almost as soon as the first ray of light peeped over the head of departing night crowds of people began to assemble. The old Ship of State fired her morning gun, and the ship alongside of her called all the pious Buccaneers to prayer, and hymns rose up on the morning dew.
The leaders of the disaffected began to marshal their respective bands. There was the sound of music, for on such occasions, people can not get on without it. It soothes the savage beast, so it is said, and in other ways does good. Curious idlers with open mouths, full of wonder, passed to and fro, for such a sight had never been seen before.
The hour came for the great march past to begin, and Liberty, who was the mistress of the ceremonies, was trying with very great difficulty to keep her motley crowd in order. The brazen-throated trumpets now brayed out the notice of the approach of the great Buccaneer, or fighting trader. How he now styled himself will be shortly seen. With slow and stately step the great man walked, preceded by his lion and followed immediately by his trusty coxswain old Jack Commonsense, who was got up, regardless of expense, for the occasion. The Buccaneer walked between walls of his subjects, and listened, no doubt, with extreme pleasure to their shouts of welcome and delight. To see the great is at all times a gratifying spectacle, when the treat is not repeated too often. After the Buccaneer had passed his people and had taken his place in the chair of state, they began to make their comments. "Ah!" said some, "he is not the man he was." "Yes, yes," cried others, "he is indeed sorely changed. See how gingerly he treads; how fat he has grown; he is terribly out of condition. Did you notice, too, that his lion has lost most of his teeth?" It could not be denied that the bold Buccaneer's step was not as elastic as it used to be. He was not the gay, rollicking, hard hitting old sailor that he was in days of yore. Luxury had begun to mark him as her own, and much energy of action is never found in her train. He looked puffy and bloated, and altogether, as some of his people said, out of condition. A voice from the crowd exclaimed that a good healthy skunk would be far more serviceable than that old lion. It was the cheap-Jack Jonathan. It was wonderful how he tried to pass off that skunk of his upon other people; all of whom had no doubt plenty of skunks of their own. But Jonathan was such a boastful fellow that he would not be beaten even in a matter of skunks.
Behind the Buccaneer came a numerous retinue of priests, ministers, soldiers, sailors, statesmen, officials of every degree and parasites of all kinds and descriptions, for, of course, so great a man could not be without his fair share of these human insects to feed upon him. The Buccaneer having taken his seat, with his coxswain standing behind his chair, the numerous and splendid retinue filed on to the platform and took up their respective places behind. First of all came the Lords Spiritual and then the Lords Temporal, and then the rest of the goodly company, according to their rank and condition. Just as everything was ready there was a slight confusion caused by an angry discussion between a pimp and a parasite about the order of precedence; but the dispute was happily settled without bloodshed. Both watches were, of course, present on so great an occasion, and amongst the rest were the conspirators of the cook's caboose. The magnificence of the assemblage was gorgeous in the extreme, and dazzling, for all wore their robes of state. Jonathan thought he saw a favourable opportunity of doing a little business, so he began to offer blue spectacles of a cheap make, and at a seductively moderate price to the assembled multitude.
Many shouts rose up as some well-known personage passed to his place, and to save trouble Dogvane kept on bowing acknowledgments for all. Pepper, the cook, who sat between Billy Cheeks and Chips, with the man who had been thrown overboard on one occasion, just behind him, tried very hard to make himself big enough to attract public notice; but he was only partially successful. Just in front of the platform, but off it, there was a railed-in space for the Press, to the members of which the Buccaneer was obliged, as has been already stated, to be particularly civil, for if affronted, not only would they turn upon him and lecture him, but they would abuse him plentifully into the bargain. They all had in front of them their pots of ink, coloured according to the party they served. Better kill a plenipotentiary than hurt one of these gentlemen by an unguarded expression. The Beggar Woman, though no doubt somewhere amongst the crowd, was not conspicuous on this occasion.
Silence was ordered, and prayer was said, and hymns of praise were sung. The greatness and the goodness of the Buccaneer were set to sacred music, and the singers also glorified themselves while they glorified their master. The High Priest then asked the Ruler of all things to take this most respectable and pious Buccaneer under His especial protection, and through His priesthood to bless him; to confound his enemies; to make him happy, prosperous and glorious, and a few other things scarcely worth the mentioning, but which would materially increase his joy in this world. In the end, he asked that the Buccaneer might, through his Church, obtain a good inheritance in the Kingdom of Heaven. After this light spiritual refection the Buccaneer experienced that gentle calm which piety and respectability alone can give, and that inner consciousness, which at all times so gratified him, namely, that he was so much better than any of his neighbours, and all those who did not walk along his road to heaven. He was now quite ready for business.
A very high state official, who was robed in cloth of gold of superior quality and make, and whose back and front were covered with heraldic devices, now blew a long and loud blast upon a brazen trumpet, he then cried out in a loud voice: "Listen all ye whom it may concern. Know ye then that the most illustrious, potent, and powerful Sea King (thus he was styled in all official documents), the mighty ruler of an empire, upon which the sun never sets, the keeper of the keys of Heaven, the defender of the only true Faith, having heard that some few of his liege subjects, consider themselves in some trifling matters aggrieved, has been most graciously pleased to hold this grand court at this time assembled, so that grievances may be heard and wrongs redressed. May God bless our great Sea King!" The last few words were merely a matter of form, because it was well known that the Buccaneer and all his people were the Lord's anointed. The trumpets again sounded and the procession, or march past, of the disaffected was ordered to begin; but now another grave difficulty arose; who was to lead? The mistress of the ceremonies, following a time-honoured custom, was for bringing on the ladies first, but a noisy lot of Ojabberaways declared that their burden of oppression was so great as to do away with all traditions, and that unless they were allowed to have their own way, no business should be done.
Nothing, perhaps, showed the unfortunate state into which things had been allowed to pass, than the extreme licence which the Ojabberaways were allowed to have. They had been given an inch and they had taken the proverbial ell. A small tribe of people, headed by a small band of paid patriots, who reaped a rich harvest out of the disaffection of their countrymen, was allowed to obstruct all business and dictate to the great Sea King or Buccaneer, what he was to do, and how and at what time he was to do it. All this was the handiwork of Madam Liberty, who used Dogvane and a few of his watch, to carry out her designs.
Even Dogvane had said that he must be clothed with sufficient authority to enable him to rule this obstreperous people, but Dogvane had veered round a little; and under his protection the Ojabberaways had become a perfect nuisance, doing very much as they liked.
They gained their point, and with a wild yell, peculiar to their country, and as blood curdling as the cry of the savage when his hand grasps the scalp of an enemy, they came on. Some had on masks; some carried blunderbusses, while others, under their coats, concealed the dagger of the assassin, and the cartridge of the dynamitard. On they came, dragging, with ropes round their necks, a lot of unfortunates whose general bearing and appearance showed that they had seen better days. These poor gentlemen—for gentlemen they were—had the misfortune to own land in the green and fertile isle of the Ojabberaways, some indeed had Ojabberaway blood in their veins; but they belonged to the hated class called landlords, and their chief crime was, that owning land, they expected their tenants to pay rents.
No doubt, in the past, injuries had been done and very much injustice. They may have been hard and even grinding, and even now there might be some amongst them who were not a credit to their class; but that scarcely justified a refusal to fulfil all legal contracts. Their fathers no doubt did many wrongs, lived beyond their means, and ground, in many cases, their tenants down, for there never was an Ojabberaway who could live within his means.
"What is our crime?" cried the captives; "what sins have we committed?"
"What sins have ye committed?" cried the Ojabberaways, in turn. "It's mighty short memories ye have, and eyesight too, for the matter of that. What are your crimes? Have ye not ground the finest peasantry in the world down under your feet? And if it was not you, then it was your fathers, or your grandfathers, or your great grandfathers." They then turned to the Buccaneer: "We want to be rid of these land-grabbers, these blood-suckers."
"What is your grievance against them?" the Buccaneer asked.
"Our grievance! Grievance is it?" they replied. "By the Holy Powers, our country is thick with them. Are we not a down-trodden race? Has not the foot of the conqueror been upon our necks for ages past? It's a forgetful memory that perhaps ye have?"
"In the past," the Buccaneer said, "injury may have been done to you, but ample amends have now been made; and I rule you with the same laws as I do my other people. What more, in reason, can you ask?"
"We want no laws of your making. We ask that the last link of the chain that binds us to you may be broken. We demand our independence."
Now one of the victims spoke: "We have our rights too," he said, addressing the Buccaneer, "and we claim your protection. For many years we have been your garrison and we are a law-abiding people. We have been faithful and loyal to you; will you then see us dragged before you with ropes round our necks, and with hands tied behind our backs? Is this to be the reward of our loyalty? We ask for what is the birthright of the meanest of your citizens, protection for our lives and for our own property."
Thus it went on, and ground that had been trodden over often and often before, was trodden over again. The difficulty was now to get rid of this section of the disaffected, for the members showed a disposition to become squatters and take entire possession of the situation. But some divinely-inspired individual raised the cry that there was a free fight going on in an adjacent neighbourhood and so the difficulty was overcome and the Ojabberaways disappeared as if by magic.
The ladies now were ushered in, but again there was a slight delay arising out of a dispute about a matter of precedence. A woman will suffer almost any indignity rather than that of being put in a position lower than that to which she thinks herself entitled, and it is probable that in many cases a woman would rather go to the devil in her proper place than to Heaven out of it. The matter was settled and Madam Liberty ushered in Miss Progress. She was by no means attractive, and in her dress she aped somewhat the man. She prided herself upon her intelligence and looked with disdain upon things usually considered to belong peculiarly to the female sex. This advanced lady showed none of the modesty or timidity usually found in women. In a voice loud and clear she said: "I claim for women equal rights with men. By brute force we have been kept under and we now demand our freedom. Man has made us his hewers of wood and his drawers of water; the cookers of his food and the sewer on of his buttons and the nurser of his squalling brats. Is woman never to rise superior to such a base position? Is she for ever to be a slave, at man's beck and call? Away with such a thought! We demand equal rights and equal voice in all matters, for we are man's equals, and no longer will we live under laws made by man for the benefit of man. We will board yonder ships. Our voice shall be heard in your councils, and our voice shall ring out from your pulpits."
This language was comprehensive and bold. Some amongst the grand company gave signs of approval. Then a dead silence followed, which was broken by the old cox'sn, who having first of all hitched up his trousers, exclaimed: "Mates, I thank my stars that my lower rigging keeps up without buttons." Just as Miss Progress was again going to begin, old Jack cried out: "Vast heaving, my hearty!" This familiar language on the part of a common sailor very much annoyed the lady, who, fixing her spectacles full upon the cox'sn, asked him who he was. "I am not surprised, miss, at your asking the question. Now, it's no use beating about the bush, and as, miss, you wish to be on an equal footing with man and to rub shoulder to shoulder with him in your daily life, you must not be too tender-skinned, and you will not mind the plain language of an honest sailor. You ask me who I am? I am Jack Commonsense, very much at your service, miss, and with your permission I will return the compliment and ask you a question. How about your lower rigging?"
"My lower rigging," cried Miss Progress, "what does the vulgar fellow mean?"
"Well, miss," Jack replied, "petticoats are all very well in their way, and many a brave and honest lad has run ashore on 'em before now and become a total wreck; but petticoats do hamper a person a bit, and they ain't the sort of things to go aloft in, in a gale of wind."
"Who wants to go aloft, pray?" Miss Progress asked.
"Well, miss," Jack answered; "you must take the rough with the smooth, and if you are going to be man's equal, you must do your fair share of man's work, and must not cry out if you lose your place in the social order and in man's estimation. Some of you are even now crying out that man does not treat you with the consideration that he used to. The fault lies at your own door. Who is going to take all the blows and hard knocks; and who is going to do all the fighting?"
"Man, of course," replied Miss Progress, "it is his province, his sphere."
"But has not woman her sphere? But let that fly stick to the wall; duty first and pleasure after. As to the fighting, miss; many people think that that spirit is not altogether absent from the female breast. Many go so far as to think that the apple which Eve gave to Adam was flavoured strongly with discord. Never a row yet, so some say, that a woman was not at the bottom of it. Put your helm down, miss, and go about; you and your likes are on the wrong tack. No good ever came yet from a crowing hen; and a maid that whistles ain't likely to be a credit to her family."
The Buccaneer complimented the cox'sn very much and hoped that his language would find favour amongst the ladies. Many of the grand company had dropped off to slumber; others were eagerly engaged in discussions amongst themselves as to whether it would be a good party stroke to take up the ladies. Many were for it and old Dogvane, it was thought, was amongst the number. Miss Progress was by no means satisfied and declared that woman's sphere was very much too narrow. The cox'sn, being encouraged by his master's approval, attacked Miss Progress again in good earnest. "Look'e here, miss," he cried, "your sphere is large enough if you will only do your duty in it; but as is well-known a bad workman always finds fault with his tools. If you try to be man's rival in the world you will come off second best." Many thought that old Jack would before long be in troubled waters; but he marched boldly on. "Woman," he cried out, "has a noble sphere. Let her study to be a good companion for man. Let her aim in life be to make his home comfortable, and his children happy, useful, and good. That, my hearty, is a woman's sphere."
Miss Progress explained to the deaf ears of the grand company that she was single, and the Buccaneer, by way of enlivening the proceedings, asked his cox'sn if he would not take Miss Progress in marriage; but old Jack declined with many thanks, and he told the lady in brutally plain language that spinsters were likely to increase if many women followed in her wake. Then speaking at the whole sex, through the lady before him, he exclaimed: "Too many of you are gadders about, and are to be found everywhere but in your own homes. A good, thrifty, cheerful, and pleasant housewife is a thing of the past. Too many women in the lower walks of life by neglecting their first duty, drive their husbands to the fireside of the pot-house, and their children to their work-house."
Other of the Buccaneer's women now came forward. One wanted to banish vice from the streets by the strong arm of the law. She drew attention to what she called the gross immorality of the age, and had she had her way she would have shut up half the theatres, or turned them into churches; and have burned most of the light literature of the day. Perhaps this would have been no disadvantage. She also would have dressed all the nude figures in the Buccaneer's several academies, leaving nothing but her own bare shoulders of an evening to offend the eyes of modesty. The female mind does at times go to strange extremes. Another peculiarity of the Buccaneer's people was that most of the racy light literature in his tight little island was written by the women, and how they became so well acquainted with the shady side of human nature was a mystery. But genius can explain all things. There is only one thing to be said against driving vice from the streets by the strong arm of the law. She is so very likely to find shelter in private houses, when the purity of the domestic hearth would probably suffer.
After this lady came another who wanted the Buccaneer to banish from his realms all violent death. She said: "To furnish your idle sons with sport, birds are slaughtered, and hares and foxes are cruelly chased to death."
"Young hounds must be blooded," the Buccaneer said.
"Under the cloak of science," the lady continued, "animals are cruelly tortured, under the inhuman plea that man is to benefit. Then men love to see cocks spur each other to death, while dogs are allowed to fight amongst themselves and worry cats in the public streets, without any interference on the part of the brutal police." The lady finished up by asking the Buccaneer to banish all violent death from the island, and thus set a good example to the rest of the world. "Let the butcher die," she cried, "rather than his innocent unoffending victims."
All eyes were turned upon Billy Cheeks, the burly butcher of the Starboard Watch, and many pitied him, and the cook who was a merry man, said to his friend in a jesting manner: "Billy! old fellow, it was not for nothing that you had that nervous attack in my galley, but cheer up, you are not dead yet."
The Buccaneer now began to talk the matter over with his trusty friend, who said, "Well, yer honour, only speaking for myself, I don't like meat that dies a natural death, though no doubt your butchers will be glad enough to sell it. Indeed, some of them will do it now when they can."
Here a pale-faced, solemn, and even miserable-looking man exclaimed: "Why partake of animal food which brutalizes, when a bountiful Providence has placed at your hand a vegetable kingdom? Eat, I would say, of the crumbs that fall from the celestial pantry."
Both the Buccaneer and his cox'sn declared that they did not see how they were going to make a good square meal out of such a diet, upon which the last speaker said: "If you must nourish your unrighteous stomachs, you will find that lentils and even peacods are both pleasant and sustaining."
"What say you to this, Jack?" asked the Buccaneer.
"Give him rope, yer honour, and before long he will come to the thistles, and then we had better write ourselves down asses at once. If we go on, on this tack, sir, there will be no such thing as getting a chop, or a steak, or even a homely rasher for either love or money, and the best thing for me to do is to turn to and dig my own grave. But master, there is another thing that troubles me, though I scarcely like to give vent to my thoughts before so goodly a company." Jack upon being earnestly solicited to unburden himself by his master, said: "Well, sir, it's this way. If we are to banish all violent death from this fair isle of ours, what about the flea?"