FOOTNOTES

Going Sick to the Rear.

Next Morn, by times, John in a cart was laid,Follow’d by Teague, and to the Rear convey’d;Dragg’d in the midst of Donkies, Mules, and Carts,With sick, and wounded, Johnny now departs,—Expos’d to jolting Roads, to Dust, and Heat—Expos’d for hours, in some vile Road or Street;The livelong Day, no comfort, food, or rest,Waking all Night, by sad disease opprest:Around him anguish speaks in languid tones,And wounded Heroes, stifling in their groans.But from such dismal scenes I must refrain,—The dreadfull retrospect gives only pain,As ’tis my wish, in this my humble measure,To give my gentle Reader only pleasure;Tho’ in this story of one Vent’rous Youth,I give the truth, and nothing but the truth.At length to Salamanca John was taken,His mind afflicted; frame and body shaken.And once more Housed, in temporary dose,His worn-out, wearied Carcase sought repose,The Surgeons found, as Dissolution border’d,That he to England must straightways be order’d.By easy journies, (tho’ estrang’d from ease),He once more travell’d in the land of Fleas.Onward was dragg’d o’er many a weary League,His only comfort left was honest Teague.Silent and sad he lay, and scarcely spoke,But ‘Oh Patron, oh! sparum, sparum poke.22‘Oh, mind the Rascal, Teague, don’t let him spill me;‘The horrid Brute I’m sure’s resolv’d to kill me.’And, now when many a tedious Day had past,Half-dead at Lisbon, he arriv’d at last.His piteous case was now by Teague convey’d,And in due form before the General laid.A Fleet of Transports in the Tagus lay,And was to Sail for England the next day.The General kindly sent poor Johnny word—A Birth was order’d; he might go on Board;With kind indulgence, and which did him honour,Permission gave that he might take O’Connor.Teague’s honest joy now kindled in his heart,When from his Master he was not to part.‘He’d been his Friend, his Nurse, his Consolation;‘No braver Lad,’ says Teague, ‘lives in the Nation;‘I’ll get him snug on Board, and then I think,‘I’ll to my Friends, and to take a hearty drink.’Now John by Teague was safely stow’d on Board,And Teague got staggering drunk to keep his word.Next morn by times, to Johnny’s great surprize,Teague had a broken Nose, and two Black Eyes.Teague thought by some excuse to make amends—‘Itucka Drink, your Honour, with some Friends.’‘With Friends,’ said John, ‘no, Teague, you mean your Foes;‘The Devil’s in’t, if Friends would break your Nose.’‘Ah no, your Honour,’ says Teague, ‘’twas Friends forsartin—‘We drank like Friends,but had a fight at parting.’‘O! aye,’ said John, ‘you Paddies like a joke,‘So friendly-like, you took a parting Stroke.’Blue Peter hoisted, and the Wind was fair;John much refresh’d inhal’d the saline air.Stretch’d on the Deck, he oft did take his Station,His empty stomach offer’d no oblation:His wand’ring thoughts would retrospective cast,Dwelling on all the Scenes that he had pass’d;And fancy oft would pleasurably roamTo his lov’d Parents, and his happy Home.Now passing Ushant from the Bay of Biscay,‘Don’t I,’ said Teague, ‘smell Ireland & Whiskey?’‘Why, Teague,’ said John, ‘I think we’re drawing near‘The coast of Ireland, that is called Cape Clear.‘Here, take the Spy-Glass—look with all your might.’‘I see’t, by Ja—s, ’tis Clear out of sight.’As to the Northward now the Wind did veer,They trimm’d the Sails, and up the Channel steer;Smoothly they ran, and, by the Convoy led,They shortly cast their Anchor at Spithead.Tho’ weak was John, and trembled at each joint,He took a Boat, and landed at the point;Popp’d Teague and Baggage in a Chaise and Four,And quickly travell’d to his Father’s Door.The honest Grocer was in daily use,When he had din’d, to take a quiet snooze;Whilst his good Dame, whose anxious mind was fill’dWith dread her dearest Johnny might be kill’d,Sat pensively, lamenting her sad case—In burst her Son, and flew to her embrace:She sigh’d, she sobb’d, and press’d him to her breast,And all the Mother’s fondest love exprest.The honest Grocer, waking in amaze,Rubbing his eyes, did on our Hero gaze,—‘Why dang it now, do my old eyes tell true?‘Is it my boy,—dear Johnny, is it you?‘When did you come? how got you leave, my Boy?‘Zounds! I’m so glad, I can’t contain my joy!’John now explain’d how England he did reach;Th’ enraptur’d Parents hung upon his speech.His anxious Mother sadly now survey’dThe alteration that disease had made;Saw his pale look, his sunk, and languid Eye,Then gently said (with a Maternal sigh),‘I see you’re ill, my Son, with pain, and grief:‘What shall we do to give our John relief?’‘Ah, Dame! your slops and stuffs I see no good in—‘Give him a belly-full of beef and pudding;‘The Boy’s half-starv’d—o’drat that cursed Spain:‘Thank God! my child’s come back alive again.’

Next Morn, by times, John in a cart was laid,

Follow’d by Teague, and to the Rear convey’d;

Dragg’d in the midst of Donkies, Mules, and Carts,

With sick, and wounded, Johnny now departs,—

Expos’d to jolting Roads, to Dust, and Heat—

Expos’d for hours, in some vile Road or Street;

The livelong Day, no comfort, food, or rest,

Waking all Night, by sad disease opprest:

Around him anguish speaks in languid tones,

And wounded Heroes, stifling in their groans.

But from such dismal scenes I must refrain,—

The dreadfull retrospect gives only pain,

As ’tis my wish, in this my humble measure,

To give my gentle Reader only pleasure;

Tho’ in this story of one Vent’rous Youth,

I give the truth, and nothing but the truth.

At length to Salamanca John was taken,

His mind afflicted; frame and body shaken.

And once more Housed, in temporary dose,

His worn-out, wearied Carcase sought repose,

The Surgeons found, as Dissolution border’d,

That he to England must straightways be order’d.

By easy journies, (tho’ estrang’d from ease),He once more travell’d in the land of Fleas.Onward was dragg’d o’er many a weary League,His only comfort left was honest Teague.Silent and sad he lay, and scarcely spoke,But ‘Oh Patron, oh! sparum, sparum poke.22‘Oh, mind the Rascal, Teague, don’t let him spill me;‘The horrid Brute I’m sure’s resolv’d to kill me.’And, now when many a tedious Day had past,Half-dead at Lisbon, he arriv’d at last.His piteous case was now by Teague convey’d,And in due form before the General laid.A Fleet of Transports in the Tagus lay,And was to Sail for England the next day.The General kindly sent poor Johnny word—A Birth was order’d; he might go on Board;With kind indulgence, and which did him honour,Permission gave that he might take O’Connor.Teague’s honest joy now kindled in his heart,When from his Master he was not to part.‘He’d been his Friend, his Nurse, his Consolation;‘No braver Lad,’ says Teague, ‘lives in the Nation;‘I’ll get him snug on Board, and then I think,‘I’ll to my Friends, and to take a hearty drink.’Now John by Teague was safely stow’d on Board,And Teague got staggering drunk to keep his word.Next morn by times, to Johnny’s great surprize,Teague had a broken Nose, and two Black Eyes.Teague thought by some excuse to make amends—‘Itucka Drink, your Honour, with some Friends.’‘With Friends,’ said John, ‘no, Teague, you mean your Foes;‘The Devil’s in’t, if Friends would break your Nose.’‘Ah no, your Honour,’ says Teague, ‘’twas Friends forsartin—‘We drank like Friends,but had a fight at parting.’‘O! aye,’ said John, ‘you Paddies like a joke,‘So friendly-like, you took a parting Stroke.’

By easy journies, (tho’ estrang’d from ease),

He once more travell’d in the land of Fleas.

Onward was dragg’d o’er many a weary League,

His only comfort left was honest Teague.

Silent and sad he lay, and scarcely spoke,

But ‘Oh Patron, oh! sparum, sparum poke.22

‘Oh, mind the Rascal, Teague, don’t let him spill me;

‘The horrid Brute I’m sure’s resolv’d to kill me.’

And, now when many a tedious Day had past,

Half-dead at Lisbon, he arriv’d at last.

His piteous case was now by Teague convey’d,

And in due form before the General laid.

A Fleet of Transports in the Tagus lay,

And was to Sail for England the next day.

The General kindly sent poor Johnny word—

A Birth was order’d; he might go on Board;

With kind indulgence, and which did him honour,

Permission gave that he might take O’Connor.

Teague’s honest joy now kindled in his heart,

When from his Master he was not to part.

‘He’d been his Friend, his Nurse, his Consolation;

‘No braver Lad,’ says Teague, ‘lives in the Nation;

‘I’ll get him snug on Board, and then I think,

‘I’ll to my Friends, and to take a hearty drink.’

Now John by Teague was safely stow’d on Board,

And Teague got staggering drunk to keep his word.

Next morn by times, to Johnny’s great surprize,

Teague had a broken Nose, and two Black Eyes.

Teague thought by some excuse to make amends—

‘Itucka Drink, your Honour, with some Friends.’

‘With Friends,’ said John, ‘no, Teague, you mean your Foes;

‘The Devil’s in’t, if Friends would break your Nose.’

‘Ah no, your Honour,’ says Teague, ‘’twas Friends forsartin—

‘We drank like Friends,but had a fight at parting.’

‘O! aye,’ said John, ‘you Paddies like a joke,

‘So friendly-like, you took a parting Stroke.’

Blue Peter hoisted, and the Wind was fair;John much refresh’d inhal’d the saline air.Stretch’d on the Deck, he oft did take his Station,His empty stomach offer’d no oblation:His wand’ring thoughts would retrospective cast,Dwelling on all the Scenes that he had pass’d;And fancy oft would pleasurably roamTo his lov’d Parents, and his happy Home.

Blue Peter hoisted, and the Wind was fair;

John much refresh’d inhal’d the saline air.

Stretch’d on the Deck, he oft did take his Station,

His empty stomach offer’d no oblation:

His wand’ring thoughts would retrospective cast,

Dwelling on all the Scenes that he had pass’d;

And fancy oft would pleasurably roam

To his lov’d Parents, and his happy Home.

Now passing Ushant from the Bay of Biscay,‘Don’t I,’ said Teague, ‘smell Ireland & Whiskey?’‘Why, Teague,’ said John, ‘I think we’re drawing near‘The coast of Ireland, that is called Cape Clear.‘Here, take the Spy-Glass—look with all your might.’‘I see’t, by Ja—s, ’tis Clear out of sight.’As to the Northward now the Wind did veer,They trimm’d the Sails, and up the Channel steer;Smoothly they ran, and, by the Convoy led,They shortly cast their Anchor at Spithead.

Now passing Ushant from the Bay of Biscay,

‘Don’t I,’ said Teague, ‘smell Ireland & Whiskey?’

‘Why, Teague,’ said John, ‘I think we’re drawing near

‘The coast of Ireland, that is called Cape Clear.

‘Here, take the Spy-Glass—look with all your might.’

‘I see’t, by Ja—s, ’tis Clear out of sight.’

As to the Northward now the Wind did veer,

They trimm’d the Sails, and up the Channel steer;

Smoothly they ran, and, by the Convoy led,

They shortly cast their Anchor at Spithead.

Tho’ weak was John, and trembled at each joint,He took a Boat, and landed at the point;Popp’d Teague and Baggage in a Chaise and Four,And quickly travell’d to his Father’s Door.

Tho’ weak was John, and trembled at each joint,

He took a Boat, and landed at the point;

Popp’d Teague and Baggage in a Chaise and Four,

And quickly travell’d to his Father’s Door.

The honest Grocer was in daily use,When he had din’d, to take a quiet snooze;Whilst his good Dame, whose anxious mind was fill’dWith dread her dearest Johnny might be kill’d,Sat pensively, lamenting her sad case—In burst her Son, and flew to her embrace:She sigh’d, she sobb’d, and press’d him to her breast,And all the Mother’s fondest love exprest.

The honest Grocer was in daily use,

When he had din’d, to take a quiet snooze;

Whilst his good Dame, whose anxious mind was fill’d

With dread her dearest Johnny might be kill’d,

Sat pensively, lamenting her sad case—

In burst her Son, and flew to her embrace:

She sigh’d, she sobb’d, and press’d him to her breast,

And all the Mother’s fondest love exprest.

The honest Grocer, waking in amaze,Rubbing his eyes, did on our Hero gaze,—‘Why dang it now, do my old eyes tell true?‘Is it my boy,—dear Johnny, is it you?‘When did you come? how got you leave, my Boy?‘Zounds! I’m so glad, I can’t contain my joy!’

The honest Grocer, waking in amaze,

Rubbing his eyes, did on our Hero gaze,—

‘Why dang it now, do my old eyes tell true?

‘Is it my boy,—dear Johnny, is it you?

‘When did you come? how got you leave, my Boy?

‘Zounds! I’m so glad, I can’t contain my joy!’

John now explain’d how England he did reach;Th’ enraptur’d Parents hung upon his speech.His anxious Mother sadly now survey’dThe alteration that disease had made;Saw his pale look, his sunk, and languid Eye,Then gently said (with a Maternal sigh),‘I see you’re ill, my Son, with pain, and grief:‘What shall we do to give our John relief?’‘Ah, Dame! your slops and stuffs I see no good in—‘Give him a belly-full of beef and pudding;‘The Boy’s half-starv’d—o’drat that cursed Spain:‘Thank God! my child’s come back alive again.’

John now explain’d how England he did reach;

Th’ enraptur’d Parents hung upon his speech.

His anxious Mother sadly now survey’d

The alteration that disease had made;

Saw his pale look, his sunk, and languid Eye,

Then gently said (with a Maternal sigh),

‘I see you’re ill, my Son, with pain, and grief:

‘What shall we do to give our John relief?’

‘Ah, Dame! your slops and stuffs I see no good in—

‘Give him a belly-full of beef and pudding;

‘The Boy’s half-starv’d—o’drat that cursed Spain:

‘Thank God! my child’s come back alive again.’

Johnny safe returned to his Mama.

Our John ’tween Dad and Mother took a Chair,And now more tranquil grew the happy pair;Related what he’d seen, and how he feltWhen first in action he the powder smelt:Then prattled on until old Dad was yawning—When tucked up by Mamma, he slept till morning.And now strange thoughts pervaded Johnny’s brain,—He’d seen enough of Fighting, and of Spain;So, after dinner, with his honest Sire,With good old Port, and near a blazing Fire,‘I think,’ says John, ‘Campaigning is no joke‘With us poorSubs, it only ends in smoke:‘For my own part, I’ve got a sort of notion,‘That I, by other means, may get Promotion.’‘How’s that?’ says Dad, ‘dear Johnny don’t be rash.’‘Father, I mean by interest, or by Cash.’‘O aye, my Son, aye, now I think I take you—‘If Cash will do’t, I’ll soon a Colonel make you.’‘True, Sir,’ says John; ‘when the Gazette I read,‘There’s many by that way I see succeed.’‘If that’s your way,’ again replies the Dad,‘I’ll soon promote you, never fear my lad.‘I’ll tell you what, dear John, since off you ran,‘A Banker I’m become, and Alderman:‘And what’s still better, as you will agree,‘I represent the City, an M.P.’‘An M.P., dear Dad—that’s devilish well,‘Then I can now Campaign it in Pall Mall.’‘Campaign at Carlton House—is’t that you say23?’‘Aye, aye, dear Dad, you take me—that’s the way.‘Who gets Promotion now? tell me who hears?‘Do the poor Subs who’ve fought so many Years?‘A Captain, now and then, may make a shift‘By some odd accident to get a lift.‘I know a man24of whom ’tis truly said‘He bravely twice a Storming party led;‘And Volunteer’d both times—now here’s the rub,‘The gallant fellow still remains a Sub.’‘That’s cruel hard, my boy, there is no doubt,‘Enough to break a heart, tho’ e’er so stout;‘But never mind,I’ve Cash at my Command.’‘They’ve touch’d it somewhere. Eh! you understand.’‘If that’s your Plan, gadzooks! I’ll bet a wager‘I soon shall see you Captain! aye! and Major.’

Our John ’tween Dad and Mother took a Chair,

And now more tranquil grew the happy pair;

Related what he’d seen, and how he felt

When first in action he the powder smelt:

Then prattled on until old Dad was yawning—

When tucked up by Mamma, he slept till morning.

And now strange thoughts pervaded Johnny’s brain,—He’d seen enough of Fighting, and of Spain;So, after dinner, with his honest Sire,With good old Port, and near a blazing Fire,‘I think,’ says John, ‘Campaigning is no joke‘With us poorSubs, it only ends in smoke:‘For my own part, I’ve got a sort of notion,‘That I, by other means, may get Promotion.’‘How’s that?’ says Dad, ‘dear Johnny don’t be rash.’‘Father, I mean by interest, or by Cash.’‘O aye, my Son, aye, now I think I take you—‘If Cash will do’t, I’ll soon a Colonel make you.’‘True, Sir,’ says John; ‘when the Gazette I read,‘There’s many by that way I see succeed.’‘If that’s your way,’ again replies the Dad,‘I’ll soon promote you, never fear my lad.‘I’ll tell you what, dear John, since off you ran,‘A Banker I’m become, and Alderman:‘And what’s still better, as you will agree,‘I represent the City, an M.P.’‘An M.P., dear Dad—that’s devilish well,‘Then I can now Campaign it in Pall Mall.’‘Campaign at Carlton House—is’t that you say23?’‘Aye, aye, dear Dad, you take me—that’s the way.‘Who gets Promotion now? tell me who hears?‘Do the poor Subs who’ve fought so many Years?‘A Captain, now and then, may make a shift‘By some odd accident to get a lift.‘I know a man24of whom ’tis truly said‘He bravely twice a Storming party led;‘And Volunteer’d both times—now here’s the rub,‘The gallant fellow still remains a Sub.’‘That’s cruel hard, my boy, there is no doubt,‘Enough to break a heart, tho’ e’er so stout;‘But never mind,I’ve Cash at my Command.’‘They’ve touch’d it somewhere. Eh! you understand.’‘If that’s your Plan, gadzooks! I’ll bet a wager‘I soon shall see you Captain! aye! and Major.’

And now strange thoughts pervaded Johnny’s brain,—

He’d seen enough of Fighting, and of Spain;

So, after dinner, with his honest Sire,

With good old Port, and near a blazing Fire,

‘I think,’ says John, ‘Campaigning is no joke

‘With us poorSubs, it only ends in smoke:

‘For my own part, I’ve got a sort of notion,

‘That I, by other means, may get Promotion.’

‘How’s that?’ says Dad, ‘dear Johnny don’t be rash.’

‘Father, I mean by interest, or by Cash.’

‘O aye, my Son, aye, now I think I take you—

‘If Cash will do’t, I’ll soon a Colonel make you.’

‘True, Sir,’ says John; ‘when the Gazette I read,

‘There’s many by that way I see succeed.’

‘If that’s your way,’ again replies the Dad,

‘I’ll soon promote you, never fear my lad.

‘I’ll tell you what, dear John, since off you ran,

‘A Banker I’m become, and Alderman:

‘And what’s still better, as you will agree,

‘I represent the City, an M.P.’

‘An M.P., dear Dad—that’s devilish well,

‘Then I can now Campaign it in Pall Mall.’

‘Campaign at Carlton House—is’t that you say23?’

‘Aye, aye, dear Dad, you take me—that’s the way.

‘Who gets Promotion now? tell me who hears?

‘Do the poor Subs who’ve fought so many Years?

‘A Captain, now and then, may make a shift

‘By some odd accident to get a lift.

‘I know a man24of whom ’tis truly said

‘He bravely twice a Storming party led;

‘And Volunteer’d both times—now here’s the rub,

‘The gallant fellow still remains a Sub.’

‘That’s cruel hard, my boy, there is no doubt,

‘Enough to break a heart, tho’ e’er so stout;

‘But never mind,I’ve Cash at my Command.’

‘They’ve touch’d it somewhere. Eh! you understand.’

‘If that’s your Plan, gadzooks! I’ll bet a wager

‘I soon shall see you Captain! aye! and Major.’

END OF PART II

18It was shocking to behold the number of dead bodies (chiefly of the French Army) with which the Highway was crowded.—They were in a horribly disgusting state of Nudity, and half devoured by Wolves, and Birds. The Armies had no time to bury the Dead, and the Inhabitants were either too indolent, or for some other reason neglected to do it. But to such a state of Barbarism had the natives of Portugal and Spain attained, that Boys and Girls have been seen throwing human heads at each other, by way of amusement; and a little Urchin, ten years old, Servant to an Officer, was heard frequently to boast, after the Battle of Salamanca, of having stolen slily on the wounded Frenchmen, struck them on the head with a Stone, in order, if possible, to kill, for the purpose of plundering them.

19The Army, not having tents, were obliged to lay out exposed to the Weather.

20In consequence of the difficulty of transporting Baggage, and from other causes, a Regiment on active Service in the Peninsula, could not keep up a regular Mess, as in England. Each Officer was obliged to manage for himself. They were generally divided in mess-parties of twos and threes. This greatly incommoded the Subaltern Officer: allowed only the carriage of half an Animal, it was not possible to admit, for the purpose of having eatables, any addition to his share of Baggage. The mere Ration was all that could be carried, with a Camp-kettle for culinary purposes. Besides, we must recollect the difficulty of obtaining extra articles, and also the want of Money: so that the bit of Beef, and the portion of Biscuit, was the general fare for at least two-thirds of the Officers, with a small allowance of Ration, Rum, and Wine (generally execrable stuff): the prime luxury was a drop of Brandy and a Segar.

With respect to the article of dress, the contents of a very small Portmanteau was all that could be taken, and, if an Officer wore out, or lost his Regimental Jacket, his great Coat was the substitute. As for waistcoats, they were as fancy directed, but generally black, blue, or green, of either silk or velvet.

An enormous pair of Mustachios and Whiskers were frequently seen to protrude from the delicate countenances of some of our Bond Street Beaux.

21For the purpose of getting Liquor, the invincible British Soldier will commit every species of depredation: he will rob a House, plunder a Church, steal from his Comrade, and strip his own Officer in the midst of death and slaughter. Instances are known, and too frequently have they occurred, of Scoundrels having, under pretence of aiding a wounded Officer, rifled and stripped him of his apparel; and all this was effected before death had sealed his doom—before his gallant spirit, that through Life had led them to victory, or protected them in Retreat, had quitted its earthly Mansion!

22In the Portuguese language various meanings are attached to the same term. For instance, ‘Viva’ is generally intended for, ‘How do you do?’ ‘God bless you.’—‘Rompi’ is used ‘to beat, to tear, to scratch, to plunder.’—‘Patron’ is ‘the father of a family, the husband, the master.’—‘Sparum,’ ‘stop, be quiet, be easy, have done.’—‘Poke,’ from ‘poco,’ ‘a little, directly, quietly.’

The Portuguese driver perfectly resembles the English wagoner; except that the one is obstinate from stupidity, the other from insolence.

23It is ageneral observation, ‘that One Campaign at St. James’s is more efficacious in the attainment of promotion than half-a-dozen Campaigns in active service.’ Military observers can easily appreciate the justice of that remark.

The fact is, that had his Royal Highness, theCommander-in-Chief, the uncontrolled power in the guidance of the Army, Interest and Wealth would give place to Justice, Merit, and Desert.

I shall take the liberty to relate an anecdote which is of so recent a date, that a reference may be had to it without difficulty. Attached to Lord Wellington’s dispatches, relative to the victory of Vittoria, it pleased the higher powers to subjoin the names of certain Officers, with the promotion honourably granted to them, of course, and in consonance with the recommendation of the noble chiefs—so many Majors to be Lieutenant-Colonels, so many Captains to be Majors.

Before I allude to this particular circumstance, and one which gives validity to the above ‘general observations,’ I beg to be understood, that in being obliged to bring forward this case as one in point, the Officer alluded to is universally esteemed; he is not only active, but intelligent: he stands high in the estimation of his superiors, for a knowledge of the duties of his profession, as well as zeal, and courage, in their performance.

This gentleman’s name was not introduced in the above promotion at the Tail of the dispatch. Some time afterwards we saw it in the Gazette, but in another class of name for the Brevet of Lieutenant-Colonel, and bearing date (I think on account of the action) the same day,videlicet, that of the21st June. But we now observe this Officer’s name with the rank of Lieutenant-Colonel, his Commission bearing date the 2nd of June, by which he has been promoted; over whom? He, a young Major, over Lieutenant-Colonel O’Toole. I have not the honour to be acquainted with that gentleman,but it is generally known that he has been in every action of the last three campaigns. He has been promoted from a Company, to a Majority, and Lieutenant-Colonelcy for his meritorious conduct; in the last instance, for his gallantry at the Battle of Vittoria.

The Hussar Brigade came out in 1813; and all, I believe, that was ever known of their gallantry, was a little affair of cavalry on the 2nd of June, detailed to Lord Wellington in a flourishing letter from Colonel Grant.

24Lieutenant Dyas, of 51st Light Regiment.

SEQUELTO THEMILITARY ADVENTURES OFJOHNNY NEWCOMEPART I

Friends, Fashion, Fortune, will deceptive veer,Like fickle Seasons, in the varying Year.A sad it is, but melancholy Truth,How small, how slippery is the path of Youth:Many, no doubt, incautious, weak, and blind,Betraying want of prudence, want of mind,Impetuously advance, nor look before—They unlamented sink—to rise no more:Others again, by observation guided,Step firmly on, determined, and decided;One solid Object steadily pursue,Nor e’er lose sight of what they have in view.Such was our Youth. If truly we him scan,He knew the World, and was a Worldly man;For deep intrigue, or artifice was fit,Endued with ample store of Mother wit:Apt was his mind, and his perception keen,To meditate on what he’d heard and seen.Tho’ few years converse with the World he’d held,He saw how much by folly ’twas impell’d;Saw to their passions that Mankind were Slaves,The dupes to flattery, and the sport of Knaves;Saw exultation, which no art could smother,Greedy enjoy the downfall of each other;Saw honest poverty, by pride opprest,And worthless Scoundrels for their wealth carest;Saw titled Miscreants, to all feeling lost,Disgrace the noble Pedigree they boast;Saw Wealth and Honours shamefully misplac’d,Fortune’s best gifts flagitiously disgrac’d:So much he saw—he found he could insureThe Road to Wealth, and Honours quite secure.The first was in his grasp, he knew old JohnWas wond’rous rich, and he an only Son;—And for the next, he could, some how, or other,Arrange that too, with aid of his good Mother.The Plan now laid, he open’d his approach,‘Mother,’ says he, ‘you ought to keep a Coach.‘In that, dear Mother, I should feel a pride.’(Johnny well knew his Mother’s weakest side.)‘See Lady Jane Tobacco’s gay Parade—‘She drives about, tho’ her good Man’s in Trade.’‘Ah! my dear John, all this is very true,—‘But how to manage it? what must I do?’‘O! as to that, I’ll put it in a Train;‘You know, dear Mother, Dad’s a little vain:‘So now between ourselves I will disclose‘A famous scheme, which I have to propose:‘Old Dad is rich enough, as you can tell—‘He first must be, a Banker in Pall Mall;‘And having once, dear Mother, fixed him there,‘We’ll have a Mansion in St. James’s Square;—‘Then at the Ministers old Dad shall set,‘To make a Lord of him, or Baronet:‘Then LadyNewcome’sEquipage so neat,‘With two smart Footmen rattling in the Street;‘And with your Routs, your grandeur to evince,‘Have half a score of Lords, and perhaps a Prince.‘What, tho’ the great may exercise their wit,‘Themselves are Scions from some honest Cit!‘Then here again am I, whom no one knows,‘A Grocer’s Son, among our City Beaux.‘I in the Wars who have obtained some credit.’‘It shall be done, dear John, and I have said it.’John’s picture he so artfully had drest,Ambition’s flame now kindled in her breast.It is an apt old adage, known of course,‘The Grey Mare often proves the better Horse.’Her end she gain’d; but how, I’m not to name,For many thrifty Wives have done the same.True to her text, the prudent Dame was right,Our honest Grocer soon was dubb’d a Knight;Soon in the West, establish’d in his Bank,Strutted a man of Consequence and Rank.My Lady too, which is not vastly rare,She had her Mansion in St. James’s Square.Now Cards of invitation flew about,Sir John’s gay Dinners, and my Lady’s Rout.The Fashionable World would not declineTo touch her Guineas, and to drink his Wine.Thus in gay Circles lavishly they sport,And LadyNewcome’s introduced at Court.John’s turn now came to enter on the Stage;AndMr. Newcomenow was all the Rage.John had perceived how much on wealth depends;He was surrounded by an Host of Friends:His lively skiff on Fashion’s surface floated,’Twas but to ask, and Johnny was promoted.His Game in hand, so well he play’d his Cards,Renounc’d the Line, and glitter’d in the Guards;In fashion’s sportive ring set all agoing—Deep at Newmarket, and at Brookes’s knowing.In love affairs John managed well his part,He had a golden rule to reach the heart.In the gay vortex now you see him dash,Lively, and volatile, but far from rash;Where dissipation led was always ready,But to his interest firm, and ever steady.Panting to shine in Military fame,For valourous Enterprize to get a Name,He with this feeling mingled with the bevy,And paid his humble duty at the Levee:He knew full well the miserable chanceSubsin the Line had ever to advance;He had strong claims to urge in his behalf,A Guardsman was a Passport to the Staff.A Captain now, he look’d for Higher Rank,And knew th’ influence of his Father’s Bank.But all in vain, the odious RegulationThat fix’d the time of service to each Station,His object check’d; altho’ in his behestSir John push’d forward all his interest.All would not do, nor interest, nor wealth,Nor all the wily stratagem of stealth,(Altho’ no doubt there was much deep finesseBy some employed, unknown to his Highness),Could move the Duke, who, to his applause,Would not infringe the Military Laws:‘If CaptainNewcome’s ardour and his zeal‘Panted for Honour, or his Country’s weal,‘The Road to all was evident and plain.’‘Why then,’ says John, ‘I’ll to the Wars again.‘And so, dear Dad, go speak in my behalf,‘A word from you will get me on the Staff.’Sir John was proud to see his boy high-mettled,So made his Bow, and every thing was settled.‘Go then, my Son, rejoin that valiant Host,‘Led by Old England’s pride, and Erin’s boast;‘For him does every heart’s best wishes flow,‘Who taught the Allies how to beat the Foe.’Now once more Johnny greets the Azure Main,Four gallant Chargers flourish in his Train;Canteens, with Plate, and Prog completely stor’d,To form an elegant and sumptuous board.A Valet, and two Grooms, his Route attends,Teague was gone dead, carousing with his Friends;For scarce was John well settled at his home,When Teague soon felt a secret wish to roam:Long’d for his Native Cot, his Country dear,So Friends, and Whiskey, finish’d his career.As now Sir John in the first Circle rolls,Important objects his great mind unfolds.The Ministers he counted as his own,And got a thumping portion of the Loan.The Livery now harangued with bold Oration,Extoll’d the prosperous credit of the Nation;The laughter, scoffs, and hisses could receive—Sir John laugh’d too—but it was in his sleeve.Let him who loses laugh, in spite of dins,Laugh those that will, he’ll surely laugh that wins.Tho’ W—n, W—d, and Q—n would snarl and bite—Sir John, like others, knew ’twas merely spite:With all their hustlings, hoaxings, and grimaces,They only bellow’d for a change of places.Patriots, no doubt a useful appellation,A treacherous Figure to mislead a Nation,—My Lord, Sir John, a Commoner, his Grace,Are flaming Patriots—if out of Place;No doubt ’tis useful in some way, or other,And serves one wily Rogue to oust his Brother.Sir John and LadyNewcomenow agreeHe should attend his Son down to the Sea.Sir John had mighty matters to relateAbout their present, and their future state;Much to consult about, much to advise—Sir John had suddenly grown wond’rous wise;And LadyNewcome’sfashionable friends,For her dear Johnny’s absence made amends.Now in a Chaise and Four they onwards travell’d,When thus Sir John his sentiments unravell’d:‘D’ye see, my Son, as it has been my fate‘To be a Knight, and Member of the State—‘I’m rich enough, no doubt, all that is true,‘But then the Minister—he knows who’s who.‘Financial knowledge I’ll not yield to Necker—‘Full well they know my value at th’ Exchequer.‘And you, my Son, I mean when next we meet,‘Shall at St. Stephen’s Chapel take a Seat.‘In the mean time, dear John, it would be wise‘That you in every thing should scrutinize;‘Transmit your observations in a Note—‘They may be useful by and bye, to quote;‘At present ’tis our plan, you will agree—‘All’s right and proper, we no fault must see:‘But, should a change take place, our Party out,‘We then shall see most diff’rently, no doubt.‘Let nothing, John, your observation pass,‘Purveyors, Commissaries, all that Class;‘As for the Staff, there’s nothing now to blame,‘The Duke’s wise measures have cut up that Game.25‘In former Wars we heard of Depredation,‘A sort of Military Peculation,‘But now, indeed, ’tis quite a diff’rent story,‘They nought pursue but Honour, Fame, and Glory.‘And as in Arms Old England’s proudly grown,‘The Honour, Fame, and Glory’s all their own.’To this address John deep attention paid;There was much policy in what he said:For the advice, his gratitude exprest,And in his mind he treasur’d up the rest.Thus mutually on future prospects counting,They Portsmouth reach, and rattle to the Fountain.A Chaise and Four creates a famous bustle—Landlords and Waiters ’gainst each other hustle.Obsequiously the Landlord bows the way—Expensive work, for every Bow you pay.26But more of that anon—all things arrang’d;The Dinner order’d, and apparel chang’d.John said, ‘Dear Dad, we first must pay our Court‘To the great Naval Chieftain of the Port’;And slily whispering, ‘It is my drift‘On board a Man-of-War to get a lift.’‘You must, my Boy; I fancy there are few come‘With so much wealth and power as Sir JohnNewcome.’The Admiral was civil and polite,And courteously receiv’d the worthy Knight.The Card announc’d his dignity full well,’Twas Sir JohnNewcome, Knight, M.P., Pall Mall.The Admiral grew sociable and free,And very much increas’d his courtesy.‘My Son, a Captain of the Guards, intends‘Once more in Portugal to see his Friends:‘I would not suffer him to take this trip,‘You know, dear Admiral, in a common Ship.’‘Oh, by no means, Sir John, I’m pleased, I own;‘A Frigate soon will sail; ’tis the Pomone.‘Your Son on board can go when he has leisure,‘Carteret27I’m sure’ll receive him with great pleasure;‘He’ll find in him, you safely may depend,‘A thorough Seaman, Gentleman, and Friend.’Sir John express’d his hopes some future DayHe might his kind civility repay.Should the good Admiral to Town repair,He hoped to see him in St. James’s Square;Or should he some small object have in hand,His little interest was at his Command.The time now pass’d in viewing every Sight,The Dock-yards, Ramparts, and the Isle of Wight.Our Knight, to help his memory, now wroteHis observations down, by way of Note.The Lines, and Ramparts his attention takes,}The muddy Ditches, and the slimy Lakes.}Note28—‘Guineas I’m sure were here made Ducks and Drakes.’}Then o’er the Dock-yard eagerly he pores,Surveys around the Barrels, Masts, and Stores.The Anchors, Rope-house, and the Piles of Staves;Note—‘I’m sure these Fellows are a pack of Knaves.‘Sad Peculation here midst great and small,‘There’s waste of Hemp enough to hang them all.’The Shoals of Vessels too, that lay in Ordinary,Our honest Knight considered most extraordinary.While of our Ships, the French did Prizes make,And at our Harbours’ mouth our Vessels take.Note—‘Something here was very much amiss;‘And were they not ourFriends, should swing for this.’Not at this time a word he meant to say,But snugly kept it for some future Day.While Dad was gravely making each remark,John saw his Nags and Baggage safe embark;Saw the dexterity with which they whipThe horse with Tackle safely in the Ship.So firmly managed, yet with so much care,Rais’d from the ground, suspended in the air,The astonish’d Animal without a checkIs gently lower’d till he gains the Deck.John found the Knight, whose head now chiefly runOn the sad way the Nation’s work was done;When having Dined, and o’er the social Glass,He said—‘Dear Boy, strange things may come to pass,‘’Tis right, as now our Party has the sway,‘All must be right they do, and all they say.‘But, should the Minister get his dismission,‘Our Party then will be in Opposition;‘’Tis then for us to Badger, and to vex ’em—‘I’ve got some ticklers here, that will perplex ’em.‘Interest now tells us it would be absurd‘Of these vile Rogueries, to say a word,‘But if they oust us, then without a doubt‘Our bounden Duty is to tell it out;‘For should my Friends so shamefully be treated,‘I’ll let the Nation know how it is cheated.’Next morn a Midshipman by times brought wordThat CaptainNewcomemust repair on Board;The Captain’s compliments, to let him knowThe Wind was fair, the Ship to Sea must go.The Knight his Son saw ready to depart,Affectionately press’d him to his heart:‘Adieu! dear Johnny! I shall be in pain‘Until I see you safe return again;‘Adieu! dear Son! my happiness enfold you,‘But pray remember all that I have told you:‘Write to me, John, whenever you are able,‘Disguise your meaning, wrap it up in Fable.29‘You understand me, John’—then squeez’d his hand;John in the Boat was quickly row’d from Land—Soon reach’d the Frigate, which without delayHer Topsails haul’d, and gently bore away.And now our Knight with solitary paceDid to the Fountain Inn his way retrace;Tired of himself, he there express’d his will—‘To have his Chaise and Four, and have his Bill.’The bill produced; ‘What’s this I see? why Zounds!‘For three days’ living, six and fifty pounds!30‘Myself, and Son, two Servants, and no more—‘A Bill like this I never saw before.’‘’Twas true, Sir John, butmeat, Sir John, was dear;‘It was, Sir John, a bad time of the Year.’‘Aye, aye, ’tis plain, egad! I see it now,‘You charge D——d dear, my friend, for every Bow.’In Carriage seated—paid; but swore he meant‘To lay the Bill before the Parliament.’To London went Post-haste, with thoughtful cares,Now of his Son, and now on State Affairs.Brisk was the Gale, with clear, uncloudy Weather;Brisk was John’s heart, for he was in high Feather.His rising Prospects, as he looked around—What limits now could his Ambition bound?In Fortune, Fashion, Rank, conspicuous shone,From Eastern Hemisphere, a Rising Sun.31At Starting Posts, with Note-book, took his stand,Or, midst the gaping throng, drove Four in hand—He’d gamed with Princes, drank with Duke and Peer,Was foremost in the Field in Leicestershire.All this, ’tis true, conspired to give a claim,ANewcomeTitle to notorious Fame;And was, no doubt, most grateful to his Vanity—Still ’twas a Trifling, Tonish, Tincture of Insanity.Ardent he longed with gallant Hosts to Muster,And by Achievement gain a Warlike lustre.He wish’d ’mongst Heroes to be rank’d and known,An Emanation from himself alone.Alert and active, stretched is every Sail,To catch the impulse from the ready Gale;The Frigate glides with smooth and steady sweepO’er the wide surface of th’ unfathomed Deep.In elegance and ease they pass’d each Day,The willing Breeze impell’d them on their Way.The Rock of Lisbon, towering in height—St. Julian’s Castle open’d to their Sight.With press of Sail the Tagus now explore,And Johnny greets the Lusitanian Shore.His thanks return’d for this most pleasant Trip,With glowing spirits soon he left the Ship.With all the Guardsman’s Nonchalance and Grace,First to the Envoy’s he directs his pace.A kind reception he should meet he knew,A Guardsman’s Costume is, apasse par tout.Besides from People in the highest StationHe’d Letters too of strongest commendation.The Envoy32was a Man of shrewd discerning,A Man of Wit, of Fashion, and of Learning;Perused the Letters, said, in Friendly way,‘You’ll make my House your home, Sir, while you stay;‘For you must know this Casa where I dwell,‘Is by the Quizzers called, the Guards’ Hotel.’Our Hero thanked him for the Friendly offer—It was a pleasing and a flattering proffer.Sir Charles possessed, with elegance and ease,The power of pleasing, and the will to please.Our John was pleas’d—such offers don’t offend,A sumptuous Table, with a lively Friend.All this arranged, John thought it right he nowShould on the General33wait, and make his Bow;A Guardsman too, and strictly to his tether,Adhered to the Old adage, ‘Birds of a Feather,’John, as a Guardsman soon had hisentré,Greeted, and closeted without delay.For Men in power great etiquette observe(A necessary caution, and reserve),Not that I would insinuate that hereThere was more exercised than should appear.The General was obliging, courteous, kind,A Man of much urbanity of Mind;But, Guardsman like, as I have said before,Felt, as a Guardsman, theEsprit du corps.One observation I must introduceBy way of hint, it perhaps may be of use;A grateful system by the Duke34observ’d,That he who first arrives, the first is serv’d.An honour to his head and heart eternal,The Ensign’s often seen before the Colonel.I’m warranted in this my Postulatum,For it, by general sanction,est Probatum.John seated, now did Anecdotes relateOf Fashion, Gallantry, and of the Great;Who lost at Boodles—who supposed the winner—The Whispers, Bagatelles, at the Guard Dinner;In Fashionable life, who went astray—Whose Daughter slipped—whose Wife had ran away;Who was the reigning beauty—who the Toast—Who at a certain House now ruled the Roast;Whose gay Barouche was sporting in the Park—What was become of W——l and Ma’am C——k;What Wolf in patriot clothing went disguis’d—What Machinations ’gainst the State devis’d;Who of our Army systems made a Route—Who talked of Things, which they knew nought about.The General listen’d, and enjoy’d the jokes(He’d herded too with Fashionable Folks);Shook Johnny by the hand, express’d his sorrow‘He was engaged to-day, but hoped to-morrow‘The Captain would at half-past five repair‘To meet some Friends, and take his homely Fare.’’Twas late, but Johnny nicked it to a T,The Envoy’s dinner hour was half-past Three.John heartily enjoy’d the good Repast,And Bumpers fill’d when e’er the Bottle pass’d.At Envoys’ Tables, and some others, I thinkThey give full time to Eat, but not to Drink.I know not that to Wine they have a loathing,Perhaps ’tis a custom, something like their Clothing:For I’ve observ’d at all their Routes and BallsLegation Gentry put on Reg’mentals.35At early hour our Envoy did insistOur noble Captain should cut in at WhistBefore he went to bed—he rose a Winner;Then with the General next day took his Dinner.By times in Morn, again he travell’d downTo Belem, purposely to call on B——n.No change had driven from his grateful MindThe former conduct—gentle, mild, and kind;Nor Wealth, nor Grandeur could his heart controul,His was the impulse of an honest soul.‘Feeling!’ could Johnny now expose that vulgar passion,‘Exploded, obsolete, so out of Fashion’:But Johnny was not spoiled in that particular,Old Friends to meet erect, and Perpendicular;So flew with rapture to the Barrack-yard,To seek his former Chum, kind-hearted Ward.His hand thrust out, when his Friend he espies,With honest pleasure sparkling in his Eyes.‘How are you, Ward? by Jove, I’m glad to meet you;‘Give me your Fist—I with much pleasure greet you.‘How fat you’re grown! I say, you lively Varlet,‘You’re still a stickler for the bit of Scarlet.‘I’ll tell you what it is, you D——d old Sinner,‘I purposely came down to Storm your Dinner—‘Parade your Beef, my Boy, and don’t be fine.‘I say, Friend Ward, how stands your stock of Wine?’Then whispered in his Ear, of Men in power;Dinners D——d fine, but Wine for half an Hour.Ward was delighted, charm’d, and gratified,To find Friend John, without a spark of pride;He thought his former Friends would off be thrown,When, for the Guards, he’d quitted the King’s Own.‘And I,’ said Ward, ‘dearNewcome, for my part,‘Am glad to see you back, with all my heart.‘But come along—I do not boast variety,‘The poorest fare’s a Feast with good Society.‘We will reverse the thing, for at my Treat,‘We’ll drink like Fishes, tho’ no Fish to eat.‘’Tis thus we Soldiers live, it can’t be worse,‘Always on Beef, and with an empty Purse.’‘Of honest Beef,’ says John, ‘pray don’t speak slighting;‘’Tis thought, you know, our stimulant to Fighting:‘Its loss to Britons is the worst of Evils—‘Give them but Beef enough, they’ll fight like Devils.‘But this I know,’ says John, ‘at our great Battle‘Our Commissaries really had no Cattle;‘And though our Lads had scarcely aught to Eat,‘The Enemy in famous style they Beat.’An Officer observed, ‘Now where’s the wonder?‘The hardy Vagabonds, smelt out the Plunder:‘I’ve seen the Rogues dash to the very Muzzle,‘But all for Plunder, all to get a Guzzle.’‘Come, come,’ says John, ‘now that a mere pretence is,‘Tho’ drunk the Foe, we Fight in sober senses.‘For if a Drunkard Fights, they can’t do less to him—‘First beat him, then get Drunk, Drinking success to him.’36The Commandant now took up the debate:‘Our Troops no doubt at first were in sad state;‘All Ranks and all Departments were the same;‘The Chief harsh censures was obliged to frame:‘Reduced by Discipline, not now so Fiery,‘Our Book of Orders is a Newgate Diary.‘The way I estimate a British Soldier—‘He’s stouter than a Frenchman, and is bolder;‘But such a set of wanton idle Knaves!37‘You’re forced, by G—d! to treat them all like Slaves.‘It shocks one’s nature, outrages one’s feeling,‘Compell’d to use such rough and rigorous dealing.’‘Idle,’ says one, ‘see them on out-post planted,‘A cold and frosty Night, and firing wanted;‘Tho’ merely for their comfort and their good,‘No man will Volunteer to fetch in wood.38‘Orders I’ve given, and very often Rum for’t—‘You’re forced to coax them, to consult their comfort.‘Look at the French; those active lively Elves‘Are always Devilish careful of themselves.‘John Bull will Fight, and take their Post by Storm,‘Then coolly round their Fires have a warm.’The Toast went round, & then with brimmers flowing,The Guests were getting wiser, and more knowing.‘Here come, my friends,’ says Ward, ‘each take your Potion,‘Here’s to a speedy and a quick Promotion!’‘Aye,’ says another, ‘that’s all mere derision;‘Promotion’s one thing—give me the provision.‘What signifies the Rank; with truth I say,‘Some Generals have but half a pound a Day39;—‘High Rank no doubt is merely but a Cheat,‘Unless with it we something get to eat.‘Men who have interest rise, there is no doubt;‘The Rich get all—the poor Man goes without.’‘Merit,’ says B—n, ‘it is my fixed belief,‘Leads merely to Promotion with our Chief.‘Some instances, I candidly must own,‘That don’t originate with Him alone.‘Others are oft indulged to recommend‘(A small convenience to serve a Friend);‘And when for folly, interest makes a Push,‘The Chief assents, no doubt, but with a Blush.’‘Ah, well! some rise, we know, withoutAchievance.40‘You know, Friend B—n, we’ve every one our Grievance.‘Come, push about the Glass, and drown Hostilities—‘Men who have interest rise, D—n their Abilities.’‘True, honest Ward,’ says John; ‘I’m one I know it:‘Give us a Song, my Boy! a good one—go it!’Now Song and Glass, and Glee alternate roll,Reason now left it to the flow of Soul.At length, good Night! and John got in his Chaise;He’d not forgot the Feast of former Days.The Fleet arriv’d, his Equipage on Shore,As John considered purchasing a Bore.His Groom four Mules had bought, for he was heedful,With all the Tackle, every thing was needful.John took his leave, with all things in good plight,Dashed with his Suite, for Santarem that Night.

Friends, Fashion, Fortune, will deceptive veer,

Like fickle Seasons, in the varying Year.

A sad it is, but melancholy Truth,

How small, how slippery is the path of Youth:

Many, no doubt, incautious, weak, and blind,

Betraying want of prudence, want of mind,

Impetuously advance, nor look before—

They unlamented sink—to rise no more:

Others again, by observation guided,

Step firmly on, determined, and decided;

One solid Object steadily pursue,

Nor e’er lose sight of what they have in view.

Such was our Youth. If truly we him scan,

He knew the World, and was a Worldly man;

For deep intrigue, or artifice was fit,

Endued with ample store of Mother wit:

Apt was his mind, and his perception keen,

To meditate on what he’d heard and seen.

Tho’ few years converse with the World he’d held,

He saw how much by folly ’twas impell’d;

Saw to their passions that Mankind were Slaves,

The dupes to flattery, and the sport of Knaves;

Saw exultation, which no art could smother,

Greedy enjoy the downfall of each other;

Saw honest poverty, by pride opprest,

And worthless Scoundrels for their wealth carest;

Saw titled Miscreants, to all feeling lost,

Disgrace the noble Pedigree they boast;

Saw Wealth and Honours shamefully misplac’d,

Fortune’s best gifts flagitiously disgrac’d:

So much he saw—he found he could insure

The Road to Wealth, and Honours quite secure.

The first was in his grasp, he knew old John

Was wond’rous rich, and he an only Son;—

And for the next, he could, some how, or other,

Arrange that too, with aid of his good Mother.

The Plan now laid, he open’d his approach,‘Mother,’ says he, ‘you ought to keep a Coach.‘In that, dear Mother, I should feel a pride.’(Johnny well knew his Mother’s weakest side.)‘See Lady Jane Tobacco’s gay Parade—‘She drives about, tho’ her good Man’s in Trade.’‘Ah! my dear John, all this is very true,—‘But how to manage it? what must I do?’‘O! as to that, I’ll put it in a Train;‘You know, dear Mother, Dad’s a little vain:‘So now between ourselves I will disclose‘A famous scheme, which I have to propose:‘Old Dad is rich enough, as you can tell—‘He first must be, a Banker in Pall Mall;‘And having once, dear Mother, fixed him there,‘We’ll have a Mansion in St. James’s Square;—‘Then at the Ministers old Dad shall set,‘To make a Lord of him, or Baronet:‘Then LadyNewcome’sEquipage so neat,‘With two smart Footmen rattling in the Street;‘And with your Routs, your grandeur to evince,‘Have half a score of Lords, and perhaps a Prince.‘What, tho’ the great may exercise their wit,‘Themselves are Scions from some honest Cit!‘Then here again am I, whom no one knows,‘A Grocer’s Son, among our City Beaux.‘I in the Wars who have obtained some credit.’‘It shall be done, dear John, and I have said it.’

The Plan now laid, he open’d his approach,

‘Mother,’ says he, ‘you ought to keep a Coach.

‘In that, dear Mother, I should feel a pride.’

(Johnny well knew his Mother’s weakest side.)

‘See Lady Jane Tobacco’s gay Parade—

‘She drives about, tho’ her good Man’s in Trade.’

‘Ah! my dear John, all this is very true,—

‘But how to manage it? what must I do?’

‘O! as to that, I’ll put it in a Train;

‘You know, dear Mother, Dad’s a little vain:

‘So now between ourselves I will disclose

‘A famous scheme, which I have to propose:

‘Old Dad is rich enough, as you can tell—

‘He first must be, a Banker in Pall Mall;

‘And having once, dear Mother, fixed him there,

‘We’ll have a Mansion in St. James’s Square;—

‘Then at the Ministers old Dad shall set,

‘To make a Lord of him, or Baronet:

‘Then LadyNewcome’sEquipage so neat,

‘With two smart Footmen rattling in the Street;

‘And with your Routs, your grandeur to evince,

‘Have half a score of Lords, and perhaps a Prince.

‘What, tho’ the great may exercise their wit,

‘Themselves are Scions from some honest Cit!

‘Then here again am I, whom no one knows,

‘A Grocer’s Son, among our City Beaux.

‘I in the Wars who have obtained some credit.’

‘It shall be done, dear John, and I have said it.’

John’s picture he so artfully had drest,Ambition’s flame now kindled in her breast.It is an apt old adage, known of course,‘The Grey Mare often proves the better Horse.’Her end she gain’d; but how, I’m not to name,For many thrifty Wives have done the same.True to her text, the prudent Dame was right,Our honest Grocer soon was dubb’d a Knight;Soon in the West, establish’d in his Bank,Strutted a man of Consequence and Rank.My Lady too, which is not vastly rare,She had her Mansion in St. James’s Square.Now Cards of invitation flew about,Sir John’s gay Dinners, and my Lady’s Rout.The Fashionable World would not declineTo touch her Guineas, and to drink his Wine.Thus in gay Circles lavishly they sport,And LadyNewcome’s introduced at Court.

John’s picture he so artfully had drest,

Ambition’s flame now kindled in her breast.

It is an apt old adage, known of course,

‘The Grey Mare often proves the better Horse.’

Her end she gain’d; but how, I’m not to name,

For many thrifty Wives have done the same.

True to her text, the prudent Dame was right,

Our honest Grocer soon was dubb’d a Knight;

Soon in the West, establish’d in his Bank,

Strutted a man of Consequence and Rank.

My Lady too, which is not vastly rare,

She had her Mansion in St. James’s Square.

Now Cards of invitation flew about,

Sir John’s gay Dinners, and my Lady’s Rout.

The Fashionable World would not decline

To touch her Guineas, and to drink his Wine.

Thus in gay Circles lavishly they sport,

And LadyNewcome’s introduced at Court.

John’s turn now came to enter on the Stage;AndMr. Newcomenow was all the Rage.John had perceived how much on wealth depends;He was surrounded by an Host of Friends:His lively skiff on Fashion’s surface floated,’Twas but to ask, and Johnny was promoted.His Game in hand, so well he play’d his Cards,Renounc’d the Line, and glitter’d in the Guards;In fashion’s sportive ring set all agoing—Deep at Newmarket, and at Brookes’s knowing.In love affairs John managed well his part,He had a golden rule to reach the heart.In the gay vortex now you see him dash,Lively, and volatile, but far from rash;Where dissipation led was always ready,But to his interest firm, and ever steady.Panting to shine in Military fame,For valourous Enterprize to get a Name,He with this feeling mingled with the bevy,And paid his humble duty at the Levee:He knew full well the miserable chanceSubsin the Line had ever to advance;He had strong claims to urge in his behalf,A Guardsman was a Passport to the Staff.A Captain now, he look’d for Higher Rank,And knew th’ influence of his Father’s Bank.But all in vain, the odious RegulationThat fix’d the time of service to each Station,His object check’d; altho’ in his behestSir John push’d forward all his interest.All would not do, nor interest, nor wealth,Nor all the wily stratagem of stealth,(Altho’ no doubt there was much deep finesseBy some employed, unknown to his Highness),Could move the Duke, who, to his applause,Would not infringe the Military Laws:‘If CaptainNewcome’s ardour and his zeal‘Panted for Honour, or his Country’s weal,‘The Road to all was evident and plain.’‘Why then,’ says John, ‘I’ll to the Wars again.‘And so, dear Dad, go speak in my behalf,‘A word from you will get me on the Staff.’Sir John was proud to see his boy high-mettled,So made his Bow, and every thing was settled.‘Go then, my Son, rejoin that valiant Host,‘Led by Old England’s pride, and Erin’s boast;‘For him does every heart’s best wishes flow,‘Who taught the Allies how to beat the Foe.’

John’s turn now came to enter on the Stage;

AndMr. Newcomenow was all the Rage.

John had perceived how much on wealth depends;

He was surrounded by an Host of Friends:

His lively skiff on Fashion’s surface floated,

’Twas but to ask, and Johnny was promoted.

His Game in hand, so well he play’d his Cards,

Renounc’d the Line, and glitter’d in the Guards;

In fashion’s sportive ring set all agoing—

Deep at Newmarket, and at Brookes’s knowing.

In love affairs John managed well his part,

He had a golden rule to reach the heart.

In the gay vortex now you see him dash,

Lively, and volatile, but far from rash;

Where dissipation led was always ready,

But to his interest firm, and ever steady.

Panting to shine in Military fame,

For valourous Enterprize to get a Name,

He with this feeling mingled with the bevy,

And paid his humble duty at the Levee:

He knew full well the miserable chance

Subsin the Line had ever to advance;

He had strong claims to urge in his behalf,

A Guardsman was a Passport to the Staff.

A Captain now, he look’d for Higher Rank,

And knew th’ influence of his Father’s Bank.

But all in vain, the odious Regulation

That fix’d the time of service to each Station,

His object check’d; altho’ in his behest

Sir John push’d forward all his interest.

All would not do, nor interest, nor wealth,

Nor all the wily stratagem of stealth,

(Altho’ no doubt there was much deep finesse

By some employed, unknown to his Highness),

Could move the Duke, who, to his applause,

Would not infringe the Military Laws:

‘If CaptainNewcome’s ardour and his zeal

‘Panted for Honour, or his Country’s weal,

‘The Road to all was evident and plain.’

‘Why then,’ says John, ‘I’ll to the Wars again.

‘And so, dear Dad, go speak in my behalf,

‘A word from you will get me on the Staff.’

Sir John was proud to see his boy high-mettled,

So made his Bow, and every thing was settled.

‘Go then, my Son, rejoin that valiant Host,

‘Led by Old England’s pride, and Erin’s boast;

‘For him does every heart’s best wishes flow,

‘Who taught the Allies how to beat the Foe.’

Now once more Johnny greets the Azure Main,Four gallant Chargers flourish in his Train;Canteens, with Plate, and Prog completely stor’d,To form an elegant and sumptuous board.A Valet, and two Grooms, his Route attends,Teague was gone dead, carousing with his Friends;For scarce was John well settled at his home,When Teague soon felt a secret wish to roam:Long’d for his Native Cot, his Country dear,So Friends, and Whiskey, finish’d his career.

Now once more Johnny greets the Azure Main,

Four gallant Chargers flourish in his Train;

Canteens, with Plate, and Prog completely stor’d,

To form an elegant and sumptuous board.

A Valet, and two Grooms, his Route attends,

Teague was gone dead, carousing with his Friends;

For scarce was John well settled at his home,

When Teague soon felt a secret wish to roam:

Long’d for his Native Cot, his Country dear,

So Friends, and Whiskey, finish’d his career.

As now Sir John in the first Circle rolls,Important objects his great mind unfolds.The Ministers he counted as his own,And got a thumping portion of the Loan.The Livery now harangued with bold Oration,Extoll’d the prosperous credit of the Nation;The laughter, scoffs, and hisses could receive—Sir John laugh’d too—but it was in his sleeve.Let him who loses laugh, in spite of dins,Laugh those that will, he’ll surely laugh that wins.Tho’ W—n, W—d, and Q—n would snarl and bite—Sir John, like others, knew ’twas merely spite:With all their hustlings, hoaxings, and grimaces,They only bellow’d for a change of places.Patriots, no doubt a useful appellation,A treacherous Figure to mislead a Nation,—My Lord, Sir John, a Commoner, his Grace,Are flaming Patriots—if out of Place;No doubt ’tis useful in some way, or other,And serves one wily Rogue to oust his Brother.Sir John and LadyNewcomenow agreeHe should attend his Son down to the Sea.Sir John had mighty matters to relateAbout their present, and their future state;Much to consult about, much to advise—Sir John had suddenly grown wond’rous wise;And LadyNewcome’sfashionable friends,For her dear Johnny’s absence made amends.

As now Sir John in the first Circle rolls,

Important objects his great mind unfolds.

The Ministers he counted as his own,

And got a thumping portion of the Loan.

The Livery now harangued with bold Oration,

Extoll’d the prosperous credit of the Nation;

The laughter, scoffs, and hisses could receive—

Sir John laugh’d too—but it was in his sleeve.

Let him who loses laugh, in spite of dins,

Laugh those that will, he’ll surely laugh that wins.

Tho’ W—n, W—d, and Q—n would snarl and bite—

Sir John, like others, knew ’twas merely spite:

With all their hustlings, hoaxings, and grimaces,

They only bellow’d for a change of places.

Patriots, no doubt a useful appellation,

A treacherous Figure to mislead a Nation,—

My Lord, Sir John, a Commoner, his Grace,

Are flaming Patriots—if out of Place;

No doubt ’tis useful in some way, or other,

And serves one wily Rogue to oust his Brother.

Sir John and LadyNewcomenow agree

He should attend his Son down to the Sea.

Sir John had mighty matters to relate

About their present, and their future state;

Much to consult about, much to advise—

Sir John had suddenly grown wond’rous wise;

And LadyNewcome’sfashionable friends,

For her dear Johnny’s absence made amends.

Now in a Chaise and Four they onwards travell’d,When thus Sir John his sentiments unravell’d:‘D’ye see, my Son, as it has been my fate‘To be a Knight, and Member of the State—‘I’m rich enough, no doubt, all that is true,‘But then the Minister—he knows who’s who.‘Financial knowledge I’ll not yield to Necker—‘Full well they know my value at th’ Exchequer.‘And you, my Son, I mean when next we meet,‘Shall at St. Stephen’s Chapel take a Seat.‘In the mean time, dear John, it would be wise‘That you in every thing should scrutinize;‘Transmit your observations in a Note—‘They may be useful by and bye, to quote;‘At present ’tis our plan, you will agree—‘All’s right and proper, we no fault must see:‘But, should a change take place, our Party out,‘We then shall see most diff’rently, no doubt.‘Let nothing, John, your observation pass,‘Purveyors, Commissaries, all that Class;‘As for the Staff, there’s nothing now to blame,‘The Duke’s wise measures have cut up that Game.25‘In former Wars we heard of Depredation,‘A sort of Military Peculation,‘But now, indeed, ’tis quite a diff’rent story,‘They nought pursue but Honour, Fame, and Glory.‘And as in Arms Old England’s proudly grown,‘The Honour, Fame, and Glory’s all their own.’

Now in a Chaise and Four they onwards travell’d,

When thus Sir John his sentiments unravell’d:

‘D’ye see, my Son, as it has been my fate

‘To be a Knight, and Member of the State—

‘I’m rich enough, no doubt, all that is true,

‘But then the Minister—he knows who’s who.

‘Financial knowledge I’ll not yield to Necker—

‘Full well they know my value at th’ Exchequer.

‘And you, my Son, I mean when next we meet,

‘Shall at St. Stephen’s Chapel take a Seat.

‘In the mean time, dear John, it would be wise

‘That you in every thing should scrutinize;

‘Transmit your observations in a Note—

‘They may be useful by and bye, to quote;

‘At present ’tis our plan, you will agree—

‘All’s right and proper, we no fault must see:

‘But, should a change take place, our Party out,

‘We then shall see most diff’rently, no doubt.

‘Let nothing, John, your observation pass,

‘Purveyors, Commissaries, all that Class;

‘As for the Staff, there’s nothing now to blame,

‘The Duke’s wise measures have cut up that Game.25

‘In former Wars we heard of Depredation,

‘A sort of Military Peculation,

‘But now, indeed, ’tis quite a diff’rent story,

‘They nought pursue but Honour, Fame, and Glory.

‘And as in Arms Old England’s proudly grown,

‘The Honour, Fame, and Glory’s all their own.’

To this address John deep attention paid;There was much policy in what he said:For the advice, his gratitude exprest,And in his mind he treasur’d up the rest.Thus mutually on future prospects counting,They Portsmouth reach, and rattle to the Fountain.A Chaise and Four creates a famous bustle—Landlords and Waiters ’gainst each other hustle.Obsequiously the Landlord bows the way—Expensive work, for every Bow you pay.26But more of that anon—all things arrang’d;The Dinner order’d, and apparel chang’d.John said, ‘Dear Dad, we first must pay our Court‘To the great Naval Chieftain of the Port’;And slily whispering, ‘It is my drift‘On board a Man-of-War to get a lift.’‘You must, my Boy; I fancy there are few come‘With so much wealth and power as Sir JohnNewcome.’The Admiral was civil and polite,And courteously receiv’d the worthy Knight.The Card announc’d his dignity full well,’Twas Sir JohnNewcome, Knight, M.P., Pall Mall.The Admiral grew sociable and free,And very much increas’d his courtesy.‘My Son, a Captain of the Guards, intends‘Once more in Portugal to see his Friends:‘I would not suffer him to take this trip,‘You know, dear Admiral, in a common Ship.’‘Oh, by no means, Sir John, I’m pleased, I own;‘A Frigate soon will sail; ’tis the Pomone.‘Your Son on board can go when he has leisure,‘Carteret27I’m sure’ll receive him with great pleasure;‘He’ll find in him, you safely may depend,‘A thorough Seaman, Gentleman, and Friend.’Sir John express’d his hopes some future DayHe might his kind civility repay.Should the good Admiral to Town repair,He hoped to see him in St. James’s Square;Or should he some small object have in hand,His little interest was at his Command.

To this address John deep attention paid;

There was much policy in what he said:

For the advice, his gratitude exprest,

And in his mind he treasur’d up the rest.

Thus mutually on future prospects counting,

They Portsmouth reach, and rattle to the Fountain.

A Chaise and Four creates a famous bustle—

Landlords and Waiters ’gainst each other hustle.

Obsequiously the Landlord bows the way—

Expensive work, for every Bow you pay.26

But more of that anon—all things arrang’d;

The Dinner order’d, and apparel chang’d.

John said, ‘Dear Dad, we first must pay our Court

‘To the great Naval Chieftain of the Port’;

And slily whispering, ‘It is my drift

‘On board a Man-of-War to get a lift.’

‘You must, my Boy; I fancy there are few come

‘With so much wealth and power as Sir JohnNewcome.’

The Admiral was civil and polite,

And courteously receiv’d the worthy Knight.

The Card announc’d his dignity full well,

’Twas Sir JohnNewcome, Knight, M.P., Pall Mall.

The Admiral grew sociable and free,

And very much increas’d his courtesy.

‘My Son, a Captain of the Guards, intends

‘Once more in Portugal to see his Friends:

‘I would not suffer him to take this trip,

‘You know, dear Admiral, in a common Ship.’

‘Oh, by no means, Sir John, I’m pleased, I own;

‘A Frigate soon will sail; ’tis the Pomone.

‘Your Son on board can go when he has leisure,

‘Carteret27I’m sure’ll receive him with great pleasure;

‘He’ll find in him, you safely may depend,

‘A thorough Seaman, Gentleman, and Friend.’

Sir John express’d his hopes some future Day

He might his kind civility repay.

Should the good Admiral to Town repair,

He hoped to see him in St. James’s Square;

Or should he some small object have in hand,

His little interest was at his Command.

The time now pass’d in viewing every Sight,The Dock-yards, Ramparts, and the Isle of Wight.Our Knight, to help his memory, now wroteHis observations down, by way of Note.The Lines, and Ramparts his attention takes,}The muddy Ditches, and the slimy Lakes.}Note28—‘Guineas I’m sure were here made Ducks and Drakes.’}Then o’er the Dock-yard eagerly he pores,Surveys around the Barrels, Masts, and Stores.The Anchors, Rope-house, and the Piles of Staves;Note—‘I’m sure these Fellows are a pack of Knaves.‘Sad Peculation here midst great and small,‘There’s waste of Hemp enough to hang them all.’The Shoals of Vessels too, that lay in Ordinary,Our honest Knight considered most extraordinary.While of our Ships, the French did Prizes make,And at our Harbours’ mouth our Vessels take.Note—‘Something here was very much amiss;‘And were they not ourFriends, should swing for this.’Not at this time a word he meant to say,But snugly kept it for some future Day.

The time now pass’d in viewing every Sight,

The Dock-yards, Ramparts, and the Isle of Wight.

Our Knight, to help his memory, now wrote

His observations down, by way of Note.

The Lines, and Ramparts his attention takes,}

The muddy Ditches, and the slimy Lakes.}

Note28—‘Guineas I’m sure were here made Ducks and Drakes.’}

Then o’er the Dock-yard eagerly he pores,

Surveys around the Barrels, Masts, and Stores.

The Anchors, Rope-house, and the Piles of Staves;

Note—‘I’m sure these Fellows are a pack of Knaves.

‘Sad Peculation here midst great and small,

‘There’s waste of Hemp enough to hang them all.’

The Shoals of Vessels too, that lay in Ordinary,

Our honest Knight considered most extraordinary.

While of our Ships, the French did Prizes make,

And at our Harbours’ mouth our Vessels take.

Note—‘Something here was very much amiss;

‘And were they not ourFriends, should swing for this.’

Not at this time a word he meant to say,

But snugly kept it for some future Day.

While Dad was gravely making each remark,John saw his Nags and Baggage safe embark;Saw the dexterity with which they whipThe horse with Tackle safely in the Ship.So firmly managed, yet with so much care,Rais’d from the ground, suspended in the air,The astonish’d Animal without a checkIs gently lower’d till he gains the Deck.John found the Knight, whose head now chiefly runOn the sad way the Nation’s work was done;When having Dined, and o’er the social Glass,He said—‘Dear Boy, strange things may come to pass,‘’Tis right, as now our Party has the sway,‘All must be right they do, and all they say.‘But, should the Minister get his dismission,‘Our Party then will be in Opposition;‘’Tis then for us to Badger, and to vex ’em—‘I’ve got some ticklers here, that will perplex ’em.‘Interest now tells us it would be absurd‘Of these vile Rogueries, to say a word,‘But if they oust us, then without a doubt‘Our bounden Duty is to tell it out;‘For should my Friends so shamefully be treated,‘I’ll let the Nation know how it is cheated.’Next morn a Midshipman by times brought wordThat CaptainNewcomemust repair on Board;The Captain’s compliments, to let him knowThe Wind was fair, the Ship to Sea must go.The Knight his Son saw ready to depart,Affectionately press’d him to his heart:‘Adieu! dear Johnny! I shall be in pain‘Until I see you safe return again;‘Adieu! dear Son! my happiness enfold you,‘But pray remember all that I have told you:‘Write to me, John, whenever you are able,‘Disguise your meaning, wrap it up in Fable.29‘You understand me, John’—then squeez’d his hand;John in the Boat was quickly row’d from Land—Soon reach’d the Frigate, which without delayHer Topsails haul’d, and gently bore away.

While Dad was gravely making each remark,

John saw his Nags and Baggage safe embark;

Saw the dexterity with which they whip

The horse with Tackle safely in the Ship.

So firmly managed, yet with so much care,

Rais’d from the ground, suspended in the air,

The astonish’d Animal without a check

Is gently lower’d till he gains the Deck.

John found the Knight, whose head now chiefly run

On the sad way the Nation’s work was done;

When having Dined, and o’er the social Glass,

He said—‘Dear Boy, strange things may come to pass,

‘’Tis right, as now our Party has the sway,

‘All must be right they do, and all they say.

‘But, should the Minister get his dismission,

‘Our Party then will be in Opposition;

‘’Tis then for us to Badger, and to vex ’em—

‘I’ve got some ticklers here, that will perplex ’em.

‘Interest now tells us it would be absurd

‘Of these vile Rogueries, to say a word,

‘But if they oust us, then without a doubt

‘Our bounden Duty is to tell it out;

‘For should my Friends so shamefully be treated,

‘I’ll let the Nation know how it is cheated.’

Next morn a Midshipman by times brought word

That CaptainNewcomemust repair on Board;

The Captain’s compliments, to let him know

The Wind was fair, the Ship to Sea must go.

The Knight his Son saw ready to depart,

Affectionately press’d him to his heart:

‘Adieu! dear Johnny! I shall be in pain

‘Until I see you safe return again;

‘Adieu! dear Son! my happiness enfold you,

‘But pray remember all that I have told you:

‘Write to me, John, whenever you are able,

‘Disguise your meaning, wrap it up in Fable.29

‘You understand me, John’—then squeez’d his hand;

John in the Boat was quickly row’d from Land—

Soon reach’d the Frigate, which without delay

Her Topsails haul’d, and gently bore away.

And now our Knight with solitary paceDid to the Fountain Inn his way retrace;Tired of himself, he there express’d his will—‘To have his Chaise and Four, and have his Bill.’The bill produced; ‘What’s this I see? why Zounds!‘For three days’ living, six and fifty pounds!30‘Myself, and Son, two Servants, and no more—‘A Bill like this I never saw before.’‘’Twas true, Sir John, butmeat, Sir John, was dear;‘It was, Sir John, a bad time of the Year.’‘Aye, aye, ’tis plain, egad! I see it now,‘You charge D——d dear, my friend, for every Bow.’In Carriage seated—paid; but swore he meant‘To lay the Bill before the Parliament.’To London went Post-haste, with thoughtful cares,Now of his Son, and now on State Affairs.

And now our Knight with solitary pace

Did to the Fountain Inn his way retrace;

Tired of himself, he there express’d his will—

‘To have his Chaise and Four, and have his Bill.’

The bill produced; ‘What’s this I see? why Zounds!

‘For three days’ living, six and fifty pounds!30

‘Myself, and Son, two Servants, and no more—

‘A Bill like this I never saw before.’

‘’Twas true, Sir John, butmeat, Sir John, was dear;

‘It was, Sir John, a bad time of the Year.’

‘Aye, aye, ’tis plain, egad! I see it now,

‘You charge D——d dear, my friend, for every Bow.’

In Carriage seated—paid; but swore he meant

‘To lay the Bill before the Parliament.’

To London went Post-haste, with thoughtful cares,

Now of his Son, and now on State Affairs.

Brisk was the Gale, with clear, uncloudy Weather;Brisk was John’s heart, for he was in high Feather.His rising Prospects, as he looked around—What limits now could his Ambition bound?In Fortune, Fashion, Rank, conspicuous shone,From Eastern Hemisphere, a Rising Sun.31At Starting Posts, with Note-book, took his stand,Or, midst the gaping throng, drove Four in hand—He’d gamed with Princes, drank with Duke and Peer,Was foremost in the Field in Leicestershire.All this, ’tis true, conspired to give a claim,ANewcomeTitle to notorious Fame;And was, no doubt, most grateful to his Vanity—Still ’twas a Trifling, Tonish, Tincture of Insanity.Ardent he longed with gallant Hosts to Muster,And by Achievement gain a Warlike lustre.He wish’d ’mongst Heroes to be rank’d and known,An Emanation from himself alone.

Brisk was the Gale, with clear, uncloudy Weather;

Brisk was John’s heart, for he was in high Feather.

His rising Prospects, as he looked around—

What limits now could his Ambition bound?

In Fortune, Fashion, Rank, conspicuous shone,

From Eastern Hemisphere, a Rising Sun.31

At Starting Posts, with Note-book, took his stand,

Or, midst the gaping throng, drove Four in hand—

He’d gamed with Princes, drank with Duke and Peer,

Was foremost in the Field in Leicestershire.

All this, ’tis true, conspired to give a claim,

ANewcomeTitle to notorious Fame;

And was, no doubt, most grateful to his Vanity—

Still ’twas a Trifling, Tonish, Tincture of Insanity.

Ardent he longed with gallant Hosts to Muster,

And by Achievement gain a Warlike lustre.

He wish’d ’mongst Heroes to be rank’d and known,

An Emanation from himself alone.

Alert and active, stretched is every Sail,To catch the impulse from the ready Gale;The Frigate glides with smooth and steady sweepO’er the wide surface of th’ unfathomed Deep.In elegance and ease they pass’d each Day,The willing Breeze impell’d them on their Way.

Alert and active, stretched is every Sail,

To catch the impulse from the ready Gale;

The Frigate glides with smooth and steady sweep

O’er the wide surface of th’ unfathomed Deep.

In elegance and ease they pass’d each Day,

The willing Breeze impell’d them on their Way.

The Rock of Lisbon, towering in height—St. Julian’s Castle open’d to their Sight.With press of Sail the Tagus now explore,And Johnny greets the Lusitanian Shore.His thanks return’d for this most pleasant Trip,With glowing spirits soon he left the Ship.

The Rock of Lisbon, towering in height—

St. Julian’s Castle open’d to their Sight.

With press of Sail the Tagus now explore,

And Johnny greets the Lusitanian Shore.

His thanks return’d for this most pleasant Trip,

With glowing spirits soon he left the Ship.

With all the Guardsman’s Nonchalance and Grace,First to the Envoy’s he directs his pace.A kind reception he should meet he knew,A Guardsman’s Costume is, apasse par tout.Besides from People in the highest StationHe’d Letters too of strongest commendation.

With all the Guardsman’s Nonchalance and Grace,

First to the Envoy’s he directs his pace.

A kind reception he should meet he knew,

A Guardsman’s Costume is, apasse par tout.

Besides from People in the highest Station

He’d Letters too of strongest commendation.

The Envoy32was a Man of shrewd discerning,A Man of Wit, of Fashion, and of Learning;Perused the Letters, said, in Friendly way,‘You’ll make my House your home, Sir, while you stay;‘For you must know this Casa where I dwell,‘Is by the Quizzers called, the Guards’ Hotel.’Our Hero thanked him for the Friendly offer—It was a pleasing and a flattering proffer.

The Envoy32was a Man of shrewd discerning,

A Man of Wit, of Fashion, and of Learning;

Perused the Letters, said, in Friendly way,

‘You’ll make my House your home, Sir, while you stay;

‘For you must know this Casa where I dwell,

‘Is by the Quizzers called, the Guards’ Hotel.’

Our Hero thanked him for the Friendly offer—

It was a pleasing and a flattering proffer.

Sir Charles possessed, with elegance and ease,The power of pleasing, and the will to please.Our John was pleas’d—such offers don’t offend,A sumptuous Table, with a lively Friend.

Sir Charles possessed, with elegance and ease,

The power of pleasing, and the will to please.

Our John was pleas’d—such offers don’t offend,

A sumptuous Table, with a lively Friend.

All this arranged, John thought it right he nowShould on the General33wait, and make his Bow;A Guardsman too, and strictly to his tether,Adhered to the Old adage, ‘Birds of a Feather,’John, as a Guardsman soon had hisentré,Greeted, and closeted without delay.For Men in power great etiquette observe(A necessary caution, and reserve),Not that I would insinuate that hereThere was more exercised than should appear.

All this arranged, John thought it right he now

Should on the General33wait, and make his Bow;

A Guardsman too, and strictly to his tether,

Adhered to the Old adage, ‘Birds of a Feather,’

John, as a Guardsman soon had hisentré,

Greeted, and closeted without delay.

For Men in power great etiquette observe

(A necessary caution, and reserve),

Not that I would insinuate that here

There was more exercised than should appear.

The General was obliging, courteous, kind,A Man of much urbanity of Mind;But, Guardsman like, as I have said before,Felt, as a Guardsman, theEsprit du corps.

The General was obliging, courteous, kind,

A Man of much urbanity of Mind;

But, Guardsman like, as I have said before,

Felt, as a Guardsman, theEsprit du corps.

One observation I must introduceBy way of hint, it perhaps may be of use;A grateful system by the Duke34observ’d,That he who first arrives, the first is serv’d.An honour to his head and heart eternal,The Ensign’s often seen before the Colonel.I’m warranted in this my Postulatum,For it, by general sanction,est Probatum.

One observation I must introduce

By way of hint, it perhaps may be of use;

A grateful system by the Duke34observ’d,

That he who first arrives, the first is serv’d.

An honour to his head and heart eternal,

The Ensign’s often seen before the Colonel.

I’m warranted in this my Postulatum,

For it, by general sanction,est Probatum.

John seated, now did Anecdotes relateOf Fashion, Gallantry, and of the Great;Who lost at Boodles—who supposed the winner—The Whispers, Bagatelles, at the Guard Dinner;In Fashionable life, who went astray—Whose Daughter slipped—whose Wife had ran away;Who was the reigning beauty—who the Toast—Who at a certain House now ruled the Roast;Whose gay Barouche was sporting in the Park—What was become of W——l and Ma’am C——k;What Wolf in patriot clothing went disguis’d—What Machinations ’gainst the State devis’d;Who of our Army systems made a Route—Who talked of Things, which they knew nought about.

John seated, now did Anecdotes relate

Of Fashion, Gallantry, and of the Great;

Who lost at Boodles—who supposed the winner—

The Whispers, Bagatelles, at the Guard Dinner;

In Fashionable life, who went astray—

Whose Daughter slipped—whose Wife had ran away;

Who was the reigning beauty—who the Toast—

Who at a certain House now ruled the Roast;

Whose gay Barouche was sporting in the Park—

What was become of W——l and Ma’am C——k;

What Wolf in patriot clothing went disguis’d—

What Machinations ’gainst the State devis’d;

Who of our Army systems made a Route—

Who talked of Things, which they knew nought about.

The General listen’d, and enjoy’d the jokes(He’d herded too with Fashionable Folks);Shook Johnny by the hand, express’d his sorrow‘He was engaged to-day, but hoped to-morrow‘The Captain would at half-past five repair‘To meet some Friends, and take his homely Fare.’

The General listen’d, and enjoy’d the jokes

(He’d herded too with Fashionable Folks);

Shook Johnny by the hand, express’d his sorrow

‘He was engaged to-day, but hoped to-morrow

‘The Captain would at half-past five repair

‘To meet some Friends, and take his homely Fare.’

’Twas late, but Johnny nicked it to a T,The Envoy’s dinner hour was half-past Three.John heartily enjoy’d the good Repast,And Bumpers fill’d when e’er the Bottle pass’d.At Envoys’ Tables, and some others, I thinkThey give full time to Eat, but not to Drink.I know not that to Wine they have a loathing,Perhaps ’tis a custom, something like their Clothing:For I’ve observ’d at all their Routes and BallsLegation Gentry put on Reg’mentals.35

’Twas late, but Johnny nicked it to a T,

The Envoy’s dinner hour was half-past Three.

John heartily enjoy’d the good Repast,

And Bumpers fill’d when e’er the Bottle pass’d.

At Envoys’ Tables, and some others, I think

They give full time to Eat, but not to Drink.

I know not that to Wine they have a loathing,

Perhaps ’tis a custom, something like their Clothing:

For I’ve observ’d at all their Routes and Balls

Legation Gentry put on Reg’mentals.35

At early hour our Envoy did insistOur noble Captain should cut in at WhistBefore he went to bed—he rose a Winner;Then with the General next day took his Dinner.By times in Morn, again he travell’d downTo Belem, purposely to call on B——n.No change had driven from his grateful MindThe former conduct—gentle, mild, and kind;Nor Wealth, nor Grandeur could his heart controul,His was the impulse of an honest soul.‘Feeling!’ could Johnny now expose that vulgar passion,‘Exploded, obsolete, so out of Fashion’:But Johnny was not spoiled in that particular,Old Friends to meet erect, and Perpendicular;So flew with rapture to the Barrack-yard,To seek his former Chum, kind-hearted Ward.His hand thrust out, when his Friend he espies,With honest pleasure sparkling in his Eyes.

At early hour our Envoy did insist

Our noble Captain should cut in at Whist

Before he went to bed—he rose a Winner;

Then with the General next day took his Dinner.

By times in Morn, again he travell’d down

To Belem, purposely to call on B——n.

No change had driven from his grateful Mind

The former conduct—gentle, mild, and kind;

Nor Wealth, nor Grandeur could his heart controul,

His was the impulse of an honest soul.

‘Feeling!’ could Johnny now expose that vulgar passion,

‘Exploded, obsolete, so out of Fashion’:

But Johnny was not spoiled in that particular,

Old Friends to meet erect, and Perpendicular;

So flew with rapture to the Barrack-yard,

To seek his former Chum, kind-hearted Ward.

His hand thrust out, when his Friend he espies,

With honest pleasure sparkling in his Eyes.

‘How are you, Ward? by Jove, I’m glad to meet you;‘Give me your Fist—I with much pleasure greet you.‘How fat you’re grown! I say, you lively Varlet,‘You’re still a stickler for the bit of Scarlet.‘I’ll tell you what it is, you D——d old Sinner,‘I purposely came down to Storm your Dinner—‘Parade your Beef, my Boy, and don’t be fine.‘I say, Friend Ward, how stands your stock of Wine?’Then whispered in his Ear, of Men in power;Dinners D——d fine, but Wine for half an Hour.

‘How are you, Ward? by Jove, I’m glad to meet you;

‘Give me your Fist—I with much pleasure greet you.

‘How fat you’re grown! I say, you lively Varlet,

‘You’re still a stickler for the bit of Scarlet.

‘I’ll tell you what it is, you D——d old Sinner,

‘I purposely came down to Storm your Dinner—

‘Parade your Beef, my Boy, and don’t be fine.

‘I say, Friend Ward, how stands your stock of Wine?’

Then whispered in his Ear, of Men in power;

Dinners D——d fine, but Wine for half an Hour.

Ward was delighted, charm’d, and gratified,To find Friend John, without a spark of pride;He thought his former Friends would off be thrown,When, for the Guards, he’d quitted the King’s Own.

Ward was delighted, charm’d, and gratified,

To find Friend John, without a spark of pride;

He thought his former Friends would off be thrown,

When, for the Guards, he’d quitted the King’s Own.

‘And I,’ said Ward, ‘dearNewcome, for my part,‘Am glad to see you back, with all my heart.‘But come along—I do not boast variety,‘The poorest fare’s a Feast with good Society.‘We will reverse the thing, for at my Treat,‘We’ll drink like Fishes, tho’ no Fish to eat.‘’Tis thus we Soldiers live, it can’t be worse,‘Always on Beef, and with an empty Purse.’‘Of honest Beef,’ says John, ‘pray don’t speak slighting;‘’Tis thought, you know, our stimulant to Fighting:‘Its loss to Britons is the worst of Evils—‘Give them but Beef enough, they’ll fight like Devils.‘But this I know,’ says John, ‘at our great Battle‘Our Commissaries really had no Cattle;‘And though our Lads had scarcely aught to Eat,‘The Enemy in famous style they Beat.’

‘And I,’ said Ward, ‘dearNewcome, for my part,

‘Am glad to see you back, with all my heart.

‘But come along—I do not boast variety,

‘The poorest fare’s a Feast with good Society.

‘We will reverse the thing, for at my Treat,

‘We’ll drink like Fishes, tho’ no Fish to eat.

‘’Tis thus we Soldiers live, it can’t be worse,

‘Always on Beef, and with an empty Purse.’

‘Of honest Beef,’ says John, ‘pray don’t speak slighting;

‘’Tis thought, you know, our stimulant to Fighting:

‘Its loss to Britons is the worst of Evils—

‘Give them but Beef enough, they’ll fight like Devils.

‘But this I know,’ says John, ‘at our great Battle

‘Our Commissaries really had no Cattle;

‘And though our Lads had scarcely aught to Eat,

‘The Enemy in famous style they Beat.’

An Officer observed, ‘Now where’s the wonder?‘The hardy Vagabonds, smelt out the Plunder:‘I’ve seen the Rogues dash to the very Muzzle,‘But all for Plunder, all to get a Guzzle.’

An Officer observed, ‘Now where’s the wonder?

‘The hardy Vagabonds, smelt out the Plunder:

‘I’ve seen the Rogues dash to the very Muzzle,

‘But all for Plunder, all to get a Guzzle.’

‘Come, come,’ says John, ‘now that a mere pretence is,‘Tho’ drunk the Foe, we Fight in sober senses.‘For if a Drunkard Fights, they can’t do less to him—‘First beat him, then get Drunk, Drinking success to him.’36

‘Come, come,’ says John, ‘now that a mere pretence is,

‘Tho’ drunk the Foe, we Fight in sober senses.

‘For if a Drunkard Fights, they can’t do less to him—

‘First beat him, then get Drunk, Drinking success to him.’36

The Commandant now took up the debate:‘Our Troops no doubt at first were in sad state;‘All Ranks and all Departments were the same;‘The Chief harsh censures was obliged to frame:‘Reduced by Discipline, not now so Fiery,‘Our Book of Orders is a Newgate Diary.‘The way I estimate a British Soldier—‘He’s stouter than a Frenchman, and is bolder;‘But such a set of wanton idle Knaves!37‘You’re forced, by G—d! to treat them all like Slaves.‘It shocks one’s nature, outrages one’s feeling,‘Compell’d to use such rough and rigorous dealing.’

The Commandant now took up the debate:

‘Our Troops no doubt at first were in sad state;

‘All Ranks and all Departments were the same;

‘The Chief harsh censures was obliged to frame:

‘Reduced by Discipline, not now so Fiery,

‘Our Book of Orders is a Newgate Diary.

‘The way I estimate a British Soldier—

‘He’s stouter than a Frenchman, and is bolder;

‘But such a set of wanton idle Knaves!37

‘You’re forced, by G—d! to treat them all like Slaves.

‘It shocks one’s nature, outrages one’s feeling,

‘Compell’d to use such rough and rigorous dealing.’

‘Idle,’ says one, ‘see them on out-post planted,‘A cold and frosty Night, and firing wanted;‘Tho’ merely for their comfort and their good,‘No man will Volunteer to fetch in wood.38‘Orders I’ve given, and very often Rum for’t—‘You’re forced to coax them, to consult their comfort.‘Look at the French; those active lively Elves‘Are always Devilish careful of themselves.‘John Bull will Fight, and take their Post by Storm,‘Then coolly round their Fires have a warm.’

‘Idle,’ says one, ‘see them on out-post planted,

‘A cold and frosty Night, and firing wanted;

‘Tho’ merely for their comfort and their good,

‘No man will Volunteer to fetch in wood.38

‘Orders I’ve given, and very often Rum for’t—

‘You’re forced to coax them, to consult their comfort.

‘Look at the French; those active lively Elves

‘Are always Devilish careful of themselves.

‘John Bull will Fight, and take their Post by Storm,

‘Then coolly round their Fires have a warm.’

The Toast went round, & then with brimmers flowing,The Guests were getting wiser, and more knowing.‘Here come, my friends,’ says Ward, ‘each take your Potion,‘Here’s to a speedy and a quick Promotion!’

The Toast went round, & then with brimmers flowing,

The Guests were getting wiser, and more knowing.

‘Here come, my friends,’ says Ward, ‘each take your Potion,

‘Here’s to a speedy and a quick Promotion!’

‘Aye,’ says another, ‘that’s all mere derision;‘Promotion’s one thing—give me the provision.‘What signifies the Rank; with truth I say,‘Some Generals have but half a pound a Day39;—‘High Rank no doubt is merely but a Cheat,‘Unless with it we something get to eat.‘Men who have interest rise, there is no doubt;‘The Rich get all—the poor Man goes without.’‘Merit,’ says B—n, ‘it is my fixed belief,‘Leads merely to Promotion with our Chief.‘Some instances, I candidly must own,‘That don’t originate with Him alone.‘Others are oft indulged to recommend‘(A small convenience to serve a Friend);‘And when for folly, interest makes a Push,‘The Chief assents, no doubt, but with a Blush.’

‘Aye,’ says another, ‘that’s all mere derision;

‘Promotion’s one thing—give me the provision.

‘What signifies the Rank; with truth I say,

‘Some Generals have but half a pound a Day39;—

‘High Rank no doubt is merely but a Cheat,

‘Unless with it we something get to eat.

‘Men who have interest rise, there is no doubt;

‘The Rich get all—the poor Man goes without.’

‘Merit,’ says B—n, ‘it is my fixed belief,

‘Leads merely to Promotion with our Chief.

‘Some instances, I candidly must own,

‘That don’t originate with Him alone.

‘Others are oft indulged to recommend

‘(A small convenience to serve a Friend);

‘And when for folly, interest makes a Push,

‘The Chief assents, no doubt, but with a Blush.’

‘Ah, well! some rise, we know, withoutAchievance.40‘You know, Friend B—n, we’ve every one our Grievance.‘Come, push about the Glass, and drown Hostilities—‘Men who have interest rise, D—n their Abilities.’

‘Ah, well! some rise, we know, withoutAchievance.40

‘You know, Friend B—n, we’ve every one our Grievance.

‘Come, push about the Glass, and drown Hostilities—

‘Men who have interest rise, D—n their Abilities.’

‘True, honest Ward,’ says John; ‘I’m one I know it:‘Give us a Song, my Boy! a good one—go it!’

‘True, honest Ward,’ says John; ‘I’m one I know it:

‘Give us a Song, my Boy! a good one—go it!’

Now Song and Glass, and Glee alternate roll,Reason now left it to the flow of Soul.At length, good Night! and John got in his Chaise;He’d not forgot the Feast of former Days.The Fleet arriv’d, his Equipage on Shore,As John considered purchasing a Bore.His Groom four Mules had bought, for he was heedful,With all the Tackle, every thing was needful.John took his leave, with all things in good plight,Dashed with his Suite, for Santarem that Night.

Now Song and Glass, and Glee alternate roll,

Reason now left it to the flow of Soul.

At length, good Night! and John got in his Chaise;

He’d not forgot the Feast of former Days.

The Fleet arriv’d, his Equipage on Shore,

As John considered purchasing a Bore.

His Groom four Mules had bought, for he was heedful,

With all the Tackle, every thing was needful.

John took his leave, with all things in good plight,

Dashed with his Suite, for Santarem that Night.

END OF PART I. OF SEQUEL

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