Chapter 4

A man stole a harness the other day and never left a trace.

"Why does a donkey eat thistles?" asked a Texas teacher of one of the largest boys in the class.

"Because he is an ass, I reckon."

"Doing anything now, Bill?"

"Oh, yes, I'm kept busy all the time."

"Ah, glad to hear it. What are you doing?"

"Looking for a job."

"Jones caught the hay fever from dancing with a grass widow."

[76]Of all the sawsThat I ever saw saw,I never saw a sawSaw like this saw saws.

"I see villainy in your face," said a judge to a prisoner.

"May it please your honor," said the latter, "that is a personal reflection."

Don't pen missives to your best girl on postal cards. She may have suspicion that you do not care two cents for her.

"Can you give me a front room on the first floor?" asked a travelling man of the recently installed clerk.

"Can I give it to you?"

"Yes, that is what I remarked."

"That's queer," said the clerk, "you're the fourth man to-day who thought I owned this hotel."

"I know a man who says he can't sit down and he can't stand up."

"Well, if he tells the truth, he lies."

Mirrors reflect without speaking and women often speak without reflecting.

[77]A mechanic his labor will often discard,If the rate of his pay he dislikes:But a clock-and its case is uncommonly hard—Will continue to work though itstrikes!

"I don't think my religion will be any obstacle to your church," he urged; "I am a spiritualist."

"I am afraid it will," she replied "Pa is a prohibitionist, you know."

"One day in the dining-car, the boy across the aisle got to laughing so, he couldn't stop. I said to his mother, 'that boy needs a spanking.' She said, 'well, I don't believe in spanking a boy on a full stomach.' I said, 'neither do I. Turn him over-'"

The tramp should never complain of hunger when he can always enjoy a little loaf.

"My face is my fortune, sir," she said,But her suitor saw right through her;She meant she could not cash a check,Unless the banker knew her.

"I understand that Judge Brown is breaking up housekeeping."

"That can't be. He's very busy these days deciding divorce cases."

"Well, isn't that what I said?"

"That was a pretty good dog story, wasn't it?" asked Dinwiddie, as he finished telling one.

"Yes," replied Gaswell; "but it was too long. It ought to have been curtailed."

Casey bet on a horse which finished last. He went down to the paddock, called out the jockey who had ridden him and said: "In hivin's name, young man, phwat delayed you?"

"And you really think that a miss is as good as a mile?"

"Yaas, and a good deal better, for one can kiss a miss, when one couldn't kiss a mile, don'cher know?"

Friend—Do you permit your wife to have her own way?

Husband(positively)—No, sir. She has it without my permission.

"I'm not surprised that hair-dressers feel so much at ease in the society of the great."

"You're not?"

"No; they are surrounded at home by any number of big-wigs."

She—They say the eyes are the windows of the soul, I believe.

He—Yes; and when a man goes into a drug store and shuts a window quickly, the clerk knows just about what the poor soul wants.

Boy(with new gun)—"Pa, has a cat got nine lives?"

Papa(donor of gun)—"Yes, so we are told. Why do you ask?"

Boy—"Well, then, Mr. Brown's tabby's got eight coming to her."

"What became of that girl you made love to in the hammock?"

"We fell out."

"Did you hear the story about the peacock?"

"No."

"It's a beautiful tale."

"Boss, hab you got any ob dem confound cavortic pills?"

"Yes. Do you want them plain or coated?"

"Dunno. I want dem ones what's whitewashed."

"Why is a kiss like the three graces?"

"Its faith to a girl; hope to a young woman and charity to an old maid."

"Things are wrong," remarked the observer of events and things, "when a reputable physician has to pay money for a certificate to practice, and a fourteen-year-old girl with a new piano doesn't."

"In choosing a wife," said the scanty-haired philosopher, "one should never judge by appearances."

"That's right," rejoined the very young man. "The homeliest girls usually have the most money."

"Say, did you ever feel as if you wanted to 'hit the pipe?'"

"No, but I've often felt as if I wanted to hit the man who was smoking it."

"It was this a-way, jedge: Ye see, I doled de cards, and Jim Brown he had a pah of aces and a pah of kings."

"What did you have?"

"Three aces, jedge, and——"

"What did Jim do?"

"Jim, he drew."

"What did he draw?"

"He drew a razzer, jedge."

"Have you received last month's gas bill, dear?"

"Yes, husband."

"Well, what's the charge of the light brigade?"

"You are absolutely certain about your statement?" asked the lawyer.

"Absolutely certain," assented the witness.

"You swear that this is true?"

"I do."

"Would you bet on it?"

"Er—well—yes, if I got the right odds."

"Where did you get that hair on your coat?"

"From the head of the bed."

Mr. B.—"You won't want that new novel now that you have the new baby, will you?"

Mrs. B.—"Yes, I want them both. To have and to hold."

She—"You say your automobile has been acting strangely all day?"

He—"Yes; it has stopped I don't know how many times."

She—"And what are you putting the oil on it for?"

He—"To stop it stopping."

"Massachusetts is noted for boots and shoes."

"Yes and Kentucky is noted for shoots and booze."

"Only the highest element in local society was invited to the ball."

"Oh, I see! It was a high-ball."

She—"A writer says that in order to succeed a man must be ninety-five per cent. backbone."

He—"Oh, I don't know. A good many who have managed to arrive are ninety-five per cent. cheek."

Sillicus—Do you think we shall know each other in the hereafter?

Cynicus—I hope so. Few of us really know each other here.

Some fellows marry poor girls to settle down and others marry rich ones to settle up.

Some people who jump at conclusions lose sight of the hurdles.

"It's a dridful bother to me that I have to be sewing buttons on me own clothes. If I was only a married man I'd ask me woife niver to allow our son to grow up an ould batchler like his fayther."

She—You can't eat cake and keep it.

He—Oh, yes, you can—the kind you make.

Says his lordship to Thomas, "Your rent I must raise,I'm so plaguily pinch'd for the pelf.""Raise my rent!" replies Thomas; "your honor's main good.For I never canraise itmyself."

Scene—Cabstand. Lady distributing tracts, hands one to cabby, who glances at it, hands it back and says politely, "Thank you, lady, but I'm a married man." Lady nervously looks at the title, and reading, "Abide with me," hurriedly departs, to the great amusement of cabby.

Sentimental Wife—Last night I dreamt that I was in heaven.

Gruff Husband—You did, eh? Why the deuce didn't you stay there?

He said to her: "You're just a bird!""Then, Johnnie, dear," said she,"If all is true that I have heard,A bottle goes with me."

A Frankfort man has written a farce comedy called "Vaccine." It ought to take.

As the umpire shouted "Three balls!" the batsman started guiltily.

"This isn't the first time I've raised something on a diamond," he muttered, as he hit the next one and knocked a pop-fly to the pitcher.

Husband—"Where's your mistress? She said she'd be ready in a minute, and I've waited half an hour."

Maid—"She'll be down in a second, sir. She's changing her complexion to match her new gown."

"Ah! I'm saddest when I sing,"She sang in plaintive key;And all the neighbors yelled,"So are we! so are we."

"Pa, what does Sioux Falls, S.D., mean?"

"Eh? Sioux Falls is the name of a town."

"And what's S.D.?"

"Swift divorce, of course."

A watch's fate is hard indeed,For when it's not in soakIt's set back if it gets aheadAnd scorned whene'er it's broke.

After wedding a rich heiress, PriceSaid, "Gambling's a terrible vice,But one thing I know,This matching for doughIs a thing that's exceedingly nice."

Firemen, as well as other people, like to talk of their flames.

The speaker of the house is in deadly peril when every member on the floor wants to get his eye.

I asked a young lady living on her pa's farm what they did with all their fruit? Says she: "We eat all we can and can all we can't."

Regular Caller—"I'd like to see your father, Tommy, if he isn't engaged."

Tommy—"He is; but what is the matter with Clara? She isn't engaged."

"What is a swell affair, Jim?"

"Swell affair! lemme see. Ah! yes, I know—a boil."

"Something else, try again."

"No, give it up."

"A hill, ye know. Don't ye see, a hill is a swell affair, and besides all hills have got crests."

"There's a great art," says Mickey Dolan, "in knowing what not to know whin yez don't want to know it."

"And so Prof. Greene has at last discovered the missing link! Where did he find it?"

"Under the bureau, I understand."

"Young ladies who feel anxious to preserve the most symmetrical anatomical proportions, should never be in a hurry. They should remember that 'haste' makes waist."

"Anything new in your neighborhood?" we asked a farmer.

"Yes, the whole neighborhood is stirred up," he replied.

"What is the cause?" we asked eagerly.

"Ploughing."

"I don't give a rap," said the coachman, haughtily, as he rang the electric bell.

A farmer once called his cow "Zephyr,"She seemed such an amiable hephyr.When the farmer drew near,She kicked off his ear,And now the old farmer's much dephyr.

"Are you engaged?" inquired the lady of Bridget at the intelligence office. "No, mum, but I have regular company for four nights o' the week."

How to gain flesh—buy out a butcher shop.

Ida—"Yes, dear, this is one of those 'perfume' concerts the same as they have in New York."

May—"Perfume? Why I smell gasoline."

Ida—"Well, you see, they are playing the 'Automobile March' now."

When the curtain at the theater takes a drop the majority of the males in the audience go out to follow suit.

"There's one peculiar feature about the trust business."

"What?"

"Those interested in it don't need it."

"Don't need what?"

"Trust. They can pay cash."

A woman's shoe that is "a mile too big," is never a foot in length.

[89]Full many a coat tail that is long and wideDoes from the public gaze two monstrous patches hide.

The glazier is not necessarily a tiresome man because he "gives you a pane."

"Some men are easily satisfied," remarked the Observer of Events and Things. "There is the clock-maker, for instance, he never gets any extra pay, and yet every day he works overtime."

A poacher, surprised at his work and pursued in his escape by a vengefully thrown axe, remarked, as he vaulted a fence: "I have no fault to find with your remarks, but I object to the axe-sent."

Take away my first letter, take away my second letter, take away all my letters and I am still the same. What am I? The postman.

"You have been losing flesh lately, haven't you?" "Yes, I've been shaving myself."

An emblem of tenuityWe witness every day;Behold the corset-and you'll seeThe whale-bone comes toSTAY.

He—Did you ever see anything at so-called bargain sales that was really cheap?

She—Yes; the look on the man's face who accompanied his wife to one of them.

Teacher of Drawing Class—"Willie, tell me how you would make a maltese cross."

Willie—"Step on his tail, mum."

Guest—"Look here, waiter, do you call this a spring chicken? By the lord Harry, it is as tough as a mother-in-law's tongue."

Waiter—"Yes, sir, I suppose it was hatched from a hardboiled egg!"

"About the only time my tailor gives his customers regular fit," said Buttons, "is when they neglect to pay their bills."

A man with the heart disease is about the only chap who desires a "regular beat" for a bosom friend.

The landlord came to Mrs. O'Hooligan on the first day of May last, and said: "See here, my foine loidy, I am going to raise your rent." "Oh thanks be to the Lord," said Mrs. O'Hooligan, "I'm so glad that you intend to raise it for me as Dan aint' working and I'm nather able nor willing to raise it myself."

He—The bride looks radiant, as brides usually do.

She—Yes, but the bridegroom appears rather run down.

He—Run down eh? That's just it; caught after a long chase.

She—You look as though you had raised Ned at your club last night.

He—I did; and, what is worse, he raised me back.

Franklin—"Do you know, I started in life as a barefooted boy?"

Hardy—"Well, I'll tell you I wasn't born with shoes on."

Before marriage, women wants tenderness. In a little while she is satisfied with legal tender.

Pat—Who is being lowered into a well; "Sthop, will ye, Murphy? Oi want to coom up again."

Murphy—Still letting him down, "Phat for?"

Pat—"Oi'll Show ye. Af ye don't sthop lettin' me doon, Oi'll cut the rope."

It is a Maine husband who has dubbed his wife "Crystal," because she is always "on the watch."

"So Maude is happily married?"

"Happily? I should say she is! Why she married a somnambulist, who gets up in his sleep every morning and builds the fire."

Two Hebrews went to a Mills Hotel and were obliged to take a bath before retiring.

Upon beholding each other, one shouted in surprise, "Oh, Abey, how dirty you are!"

"Vell, what you tink?" said Abey, "I'm three years older dan you."

A teacher in a high school asked a little wad of an Irish boy to describe a lake. "Sure and it is hole in the kettle."

The first kiss only comes once in a lifetime.

The trouble with the fellow who loses his temper is that he always finds it again.

The man who plays the bass drum should have no difficulty in beating his way.

An amateur performance for charity demonstrates that charity uncovers a multitude of sins.

It takes a musical crank to play a hand organ.

It is possible to square yourself without resorting to cube root.

While some people mount upward to the pinnacle of fame, others reach the height of folly.

A faint heart may never win a fair lady, but five of them have won many a jackpot.

The portrait tumbled from the wallAnd hit the young man's head."A striking likeness!" That was allThe rueful punster said.

The fact that a man has not cut his hair for ten or twelve years need not necessarily imply that he is eccentric. He may be bald.

When a couple are about to elope the young man asks, "Does your mother know your route?"

"I will not sit that way!" angrily screamed the obstinate lady in the photographer's gallery. "I can't, and I won't; so there!"

"Madame," said the photographer, "it will be impossible for me to make a good negative of you unless you quit being so positive."

An Irishman in order to celebrate the advent of a new era, went out on a lark. He didn't get home, till 3 o'clock in the morning, and was barely in the house before a nurse rushed up and, uncovering a bunch of soft goods, showed him triplets. The Irishman looked up at the clock which said 3, then at the three of a kind in the nurse's arms, and said: "O'im not superstitious, but thank Hivins thot Oi didn't come home at twilve!"

"Good gracious," said the hen when she discovered a porcelain egg on the nest. "I shall be a bricklayer next."

"Are you intimate with any of the nobility?" asked Chippy. "Well, rather!" replied Clubdoodle. "I got a queen full last night, and had a high old time with four kings."

Electricity is a great educator. Think what it has done to make men see things in a new light.

"Will the coming man use both arms?" asks a scientist. "Yes, if he can trust the girl to handle the reins."

"I hear Smith, the sea captain, is in hard luck. He married a girl and she ran away from him."

"Yes, he took her for a mate, but she was a skipper."

Another great discovery of diamonds in Kentucky! A man got five of them on the first deal.

"What makes so much froth in a glass of beer, pa?"

"The barkeep, my son."

Moses Schaumburg(to his son Jackey)—"How many are twice two, Jackey?"

Jackey-"Tervice two ish six."

"You are wrong, Jackey. Six vas too mooch."

"Don't I know dot, fadder, already some times ago. But I shoot said six so dot you could Chew me down."

'Tis now the wily urchin mocksThe lynx-eyed cop along the docks,And plunges in the cooling tide,Arrayed in naught else but his hide.

Everybody knows a woman is hard to please. She likes the matrimonial harness, but doesn't like to be hitched up with a man who is strapped.

"I wonder why blondes are always anxious to be wedded?"

"I guess it is because they're naturally light-headed."

Each evening a good-looking Mr.Comes around for a visit to my Sr.;One night on the stairs,He, all unawares,Put his arm round her figure and Kr.

"Do you know the nature of an oath, ma'am?" inquired the judge. "Well, I reckon I orter," was the reply. "My husband drives a canal boat."

Brown—"Young Dudel's body has been recovered." "Why, I didn't know he had been drowned." "He hasn't. He merely bought a new suit of clothes."

"Yes, I have seen the day when Mr. Hart the millionaire, did not have a pair of shoes to cover his feet."

"And when was that, pray?"

"At the time he was bathing."

"Widowhood makes a woman unselfish." "Why so?" "Because she ceases to look out for Number One and begins to look out for Number Two."

The judge asked an Irish policeman named O'Connell, "When did you last see your sister?" The policeman replied: "The last time I saw her, Judge, was about eight months ago, when she called at my home, and I was out." "Then you did not see her on that occasion?" "No, Judge; I wasn't there."

If Broomstick, as rumored, is in a woman's hands, he may be booked to beat the favorite.

Torchlight and Igniter, coupled should prove a red hot combination, but with Extinguisher in the race might not bring in any money to burn.

Animosity evidently has it in for some of the others.

Surmise ought to keep a lot of them guessing.

Brown—What kind of a cigar is that, old man?

Jones—It's called "The Soldier Boy."

Brown—H'm, I notice it belongs to the ranks.

"Can I sell you a nice cheap trunk to-day?" asked a dealer.

"And what the dickens do Oi be after wantin' a thrunk?"

"To put your clothes in, of course!"

"And go naked? Not a bit iv it!"

We are told that "Gen. Sherman was always coolest when on the point of attack." Most people are hottest when on the point of a tack.

"I wish the hot weather would come along," sighed the thermometer. "People are beginning to look upon me as a thing of low degree."

"I wouldn't stand for that if I were you. Why don't you call him a liar?"

"That's just what I'll do. Where, where is your telephone?"

"This," murmured the demure maiden, when her lover nudged up still closer on the sofa, "is the closest call I've ever had."

The rapidity of ocean transport is becoming truly marvelous. A sea captain boasts that he finished loading a cargo of wheat at San Francisco by dinner time, and then went to China for tea.

"You are making yourself rather officious in this crowd," said a burly policeman to a notorious pickpocket. "I am only trying to dis-purse them," said the thief.

The slats of the shutter of our office-window are in a dilapidated condition. "Please help the blind."

"Did you ever catch your husband flirting?"

"Yes; that's the very way I did catch him."

Back to Index Next