A deaf and dumb mute recently went into a bicycle shop and picked up a hub and spoke.
The girl who marries a title very frequently turns her fortune to a count.
There appears to be no affinity between the prestidigitator and the theatrical manager, yet they both make passes.
We don't always know just how the "other half" lives; but, in Chicago, the "better half" lives on her alimony.
"What did de lady do when yer asked her for an old collar?"
"She gave me a turndown."
"Are any of the colors discernible to the touch?" asked the school teacher.
"I have often felt blue," replied the boy at the head of the class.
[101]"No, seat, no pay!" the people cryAlong the Elevated,And stand upon the law by whichThe company was created.
[101]"No, seat, no pay!" the people cryAlong the Elevated,And stand upon the law by whichThe company was created.
The railway rulers promise muchTo settle these dissensions,And every promise proves that "L"Is paved with good intentions.
The railway rulers promise muchTo settle these dissensions,And every promise proves that "L"Is paved with good intentions.
Woman with satchel enters car, sits down.
Enters conductor, asks fare.
Woman opens satchel, takes out purse, shuts satchel, opens purse, takes out dime, shuts purse, opens satchel, puts in purse, shuts satchel.
Offers dime, receives nickel.
Opens satchel, takes out purse, shuts satchel, opens purse, puts in nickel, closes purse, opens satchel, puts in purse, closes satchel.
Stop the car, please.
A baby is good stock on hand, but it makes bills payable and figures largely in the profit and loss account.
Don't pick a quarrel before it is ripe.
Hardy—Why do they call that Pullman porter doctor?
Fish—Why, because he has attended so many berths.
"Mother may I go out to swim?""No, my darling daughter—Keep your clothes on your hickory limb;Then nobody'll know you've got her."
"Mother may I go out to swim?""No, my darling daughter—Keep your clothes on your hickory limb;Then nobody'll know you've got her."
What do you think, I let my watch drop in the water and it never stopped running.
"Well, maybe it is used to being in soak?" "No, I think the mainspring was dry."
"Do you use each of those four mallets in the course of your work?" asked a wag of a cooper.
"Yes sir, I do."
"Then it can be remarked that while your occupation is not conducted strictly according to etiquette, there is much four-mallet-y about it."
"A coal stove is a cast-iron paradox. It won't burn unless you put it up; then it won't burn unless you shake it down."
Uncle Fred—Why, my girl, you've grown like a cucumber vine! What progress are you making towards matrimony?
Clara—Well, uncle, I'm on my fifth lap.
"Remember," said the teacher, "that no man ever left this earth and returned."
"There was one," spoke up a small boy.
"Who was he?"
"Santos Dumont."
Smith—Most things that are bought go to the buyer.
Jones—Yes, all except coal; that goes to the cellar.
An Irishman, having gone out in his night-gown on a bitter cold night to stop the howling of a dog, was found by his wife, almost paralyzed with cold, holding the struggling dog by the tail. "Howley Mother, Pat," says she, "what would ye be afther doin?"
"Hush," said Pat, "don't ye see O'im trying to fraze the baste?"
"Another tragedy," said the cynic, as shrill shrieks arose from the ruined cistern. "I suppose there is a woman at the bottom of it."
"What do you think? My sister is married."
"Well for Goodness sake! who married her?"
"Why, the clergyman of course."
The ladies—bless 'em—it beats all!When they are young and squallers,Their hearts are sets upon the doll—When grown, upon the dollars.
The ladies—bless 'em—it beats all!When they are young and squallers,Their hearts are sets upon the doll—When grown, upon the dollars.
"Well, darling, what was the text?"
"I'm not quite sure, papa, but it sounded like, 'Many are Cold, but Few are Frozen.'"
"Charley, dear," said young Mrs. Jones, "I have such a bargain!"
"Indeed?"
"Yes; you told me that blue poker chips were worth a dollar apiece, and I got a whole lot of them for seventy-five cents at a sale."
Agnes—My right cheek burns so; what can I do to stop it?
Lucy—Tell Jack to shave oftener.
Sam Short was so fond of Welsh rare-bitThat his taste led him into the hare-bitOf spending his daysNear the doors of cafeys,And when he would see one he'd grare-bit.
Sam Short was so fond of Welsh rare-bitThat his taste led him into the hare-bitOf spending his daysNear the doors of cafeys,And when he would see one he'd grare-bit.
How is that; you weren't drowned last week when you fell overboard, you can't swim?
No, I had on a pair of duck pants.
Doctors are like cockroaches. When you once get them into the house, it is terribly difficult to get them out again.
Fogg says his sister Ann will talk culture till he falls asleep. He says she is a sort of Ann æsthetic.
"I'm afraid the bed is not long enough for you," said the landlord to a seven-foot guest.
"Never mind," he replied; "I'll add two more feet to it when I get in."
"I never could see why they always called a boat 'she.'"
"Evidently you have never tried to steer one."
"Did you hear that there was a skeleton in Smith's family?" asked Jones.
"You don't say so!" exclaimed his wife. "Where?"
"Inside of Smith of course."
A young woman who married a one-legged man says it doesn't take much to make her husband hopping mad.
"What was the trouble?"
"He couldn't swim."
"What has that to do with his failure?"
"He got into a company where the stock was all water."
"It takes Tom a day and a night to tell a story."
"He'd make a good bookkeeper, I should think."
"Why?"
"Never short in his account."
John—Why is a woman's heart like an umbrella?
Belle—I'm sure I don't know.
"Because it is not considered any harm to steal it."
"Cheer up, friend," said the parson to the dying editor, "you have a bright future before you."
"That's what's bothering me," gasped the editor, "I can see it blazing."
Mr. Schmidt—"I don't feel preddy well, Hans. I haf a horse in my throat."
Hans—"Dot 'horse' is nod right. You mean you have a 'colt in your hedt.'"
A green Irishman was sent by his employer to take charge of a Jewish funeral, and upon making his report to his "Boss," Pat says:
"That's a curious custom the Jews have of placing a $20 gold piece in the right hand of the corpse."
"Why, that is to pay his way over the river Jordan."
"Well," says Pat, "if that's the case that Hebrew will have to swim, because I swiped the $20."
[108]Now in the parlor meet the pair,When the golden day is done;Two forms with but one easy chair,Two hearts that beat as one.
[108]Now in the parlor meet the pair,When the golden day is done;Two forms with but one easy chair,Two hearts that beat as one.
"What do you think of this scheme of telegraphing without wires?"
"That's nothing new. My wife has kicked my sins under the table for twenty years."
A tramp rang a doctor's doorbell, and asked the pretty woman who opened the door if she would be so kind as to ask the doctor if he had a pair of old trousers he would kindly give away. "I'm the doctor," said the smiling young woman, and the tramp nearly fainted.
"When Mr. Casey died he left all he had to an orphan asylum."
"Indeed! That was nice of him. What did he leave?"
"His twelve children."
There once was a wary prof.Who captured a youthful trans.He said, "Son, don't lie—Aren't you stealing pie?"But the lad said, "I'm not a conf."
There once was a wary prof.Who captured a youthful trans.He said, "Son, don't lie—Aren't you stealing pie?"But the lad said, "I'm not a conf."
"What is there about betting on horse-races that is so bad for the health?" said young Mrs. Brown.
"I never heard of anything," answered the visitor.
"Didn't you? Every time Charley makes a bet he comes home and says there is something wrong with his system."
"Jackson never lights one of his cigars. Just keeps it in his mouth and chews the end. I've often wondered why."
"You wouldn't if you had ever smoked one of them."
Jones the dentist, ought to make a good poker player.
Why?
He draws and fills so well.
Customer (to the coal dealer): "Have you got any name for those scales of yours?"
"I never heard of scales having a name."
"Well, you ought to call your scales Ambush. You see, they are always lying in weight."
First Senior—Heard about Exsheff? He went down into South Africa, and he's come home a regular repository of Zulu spearheads and Boer bullets.
Second Senior—I always said he had good metal in him.
"What makes your sister so stout now, she used to be very thin?"
"She's working down in a photographer's."
"Why, how does that make any difference?"
"Well, she's in the developing room most of the time."
Jack—"Are you a suitor for Miss Juliet's hand?"
Tom—"Yes; but I didn't."
"Didn't what?"
"Suit her."
"What's the matter with Smith?"
"Why?"
"He goes along as abstractedly as though he were drunk and were seeing double."
"He is. They have twins at his home."
Business men who marry their typewriter girls are apt to find that the young women are not so ready to submit to dictation after the wedding.
The first impulse of the young married man, on being presented with his first baby, is to give it a-weigh.
Mrs. B.—Have you seen the new dance called "The Automobile?"
Mr. B.—No; sort of breakdown, I suppose?
A young lady in Philadelphia is said to have had five lovers, all named Samuel. Her photograph album must be a book of Sams.
"You should sleep on your right side, madam."
"I really can't do it, doctor; my husband talks in his sleep, and I can't hear a thing with my left ear."
There is a Presbyterian in Jersey City so openly opposed to baptism by immersion that he refuses to carry a Waterbury watch.
The following is a resolution of an Irish corporation: "That a new jail should be built, that this be done out of the material of the old one, and the old jail to be used until the new one be completed."
City Niece—"The windows in our new church are stained."
Country Aunt—"Ain't that a pity. Can't they get nothing to take it off?"
Broker—"Don't you find it easier to shave some men than others?"
Barber—"Yes; don't you?"
"Say Dad, what is an expert accountant?"
"An expert accountant," replied the father, "is a man who becomes famous by robbing a bank for two years before he is discovered."
Some men get up with the lark, while others want a swallow the first thing in the morning.
He—Time and tide wait for no man.
She—No, but a woman will.
[113]Sing not to me of falling dewUpon the purple hills,For I am worried far too muchBy falling due of bills.
[113]Sing not to me of falling dewUpon the purple hills,For I am worried far too muchBy falling due of bills.
"You say his wife's a brunette? I thought he married a blonde."
"He did, but she dyed."
"Miss Prim is a very proper young lady."
"Yes; she wouldn't even accompany a young man on the piano without a chaperon."
"He's quite a star as an after dinner speaker, isn't he?"
"Star? He's a regular moon. He becomes brighter the fuller he gets."
Dick—"Do you think you'll have much trouble in popping the question?"
Tom—"No, I think I'll have more trouble in questioning the pop."
What do you think of Windig?
He reminds me of a river.
What's the answer?
The biggest part of him is his mouth.
[114]Here is a chestnut your ire arouses,So often it's brought to your minds,"People who live in glass houses"Should always "pull down the blinds."
[114]Here is a chestnut your ire arouses,So often it's brought to your minds,"People who live in glass houses"Should always "pull down the blinds."
"Yes, the team is quite a good one, Mr. Horsley," he said as he returned the livery man's brag team, "but it has two drawbacks." "Oh, indeed; and may I inquire what they are?" "The lines."
The old lady who sent as presents to a newly-married couple a rolling-pin, a pain of flat-irons and a motto inscribed "Fight On," must have a grudge against them.
A man who had not the best reputation for strict veracity died the other day, and the family was greatly incensed because some well-meaning friends sent in a broken lyre as a floral tribute.
"It's been a coal day when you're left," said the kindling-wood to the cinder. "You're too chip-per," replied the cinder to the kindling wood. "Go to blazes," said the match, as it dropped in and fired both up.
"That young gentleman has a very taking manner," said one young lady to another at a party, of a young man who had just left them.
"Yes," was the reply, "that's his business."
"His business? What is he?"
"A photographer."
Kid—Did the dogs ever bite you?
Gent—What dogs?
Kid—The dogs you ran after. Pa was telling Ma that you used to chase the growler when he first knew you.
Guard—I suppose when you were in the army you often saw a picket fence?
G.A.R.—Yes, but is was a more common sight to see a sentry box.
A simple old farmer, McVeagh,Whom every one said was a jeagh,Fell in with a manOn the confidence plan,And now he is back making heagh.
A simple old farmer, McVeagh,Whom every one said was a jeagh,Fell in with a manOn the confidence plan,And now he is back making heagh.
"Why, the bare idea!"
"Of what, dear?"
"Telling the naked truth!"
Bess—May wears the worst clothes when she is riding horseback. Look at her now!
Fred—That certainly is one of her bad habits.
"That," said the loaf, pointing to the oven, "is where I was bred."
First Fly—Did it ever occur to you the baldheaded men have a keener sense of humor than others?
Second Fly—Well, I have noticed that they seem to be easily tickled.
The rubber plant was rubb'ring roundIn a manner most absurd:The long green corn prickled up her earsAnd this is what she heard:"Wot's tomato wid you, you beat?"Asked the onion of the hash,"I'm jealous of the potato,Because he's got a mash."He is stuck on the honeycomb,And suits her to a tea,I used to be in love myself,But the cream has soured on me."
The rubber plant was rubb'ring roundIn a manner most absurd:The long green corn prickled up her earsAnd this is what she heard:
"Wot's tomato wid you, you beat?"Asked the onion of the hash,"I'm jealous of the potato,Because he's got a mash.
"He is stuck on the honeycomb,And suits her to a tea,I used to be in love myself,But the cream has soured on me."
"Why do you call your dog hardware?"
"Because when I go to whip him he makes a bolt for the door."
Husband—That ice box of ours reminds me of a good pinochle player.
Wife—Why?
Husband—Because it is a great melter.
He: Do you know, dear, you remind me of Huyler's candy.
She: Why? Because I am "so sweet?"
He: No! "Fresh every hour."
Landlady(proudly)—Nothing goes to waste in this house. I make hash out of everything that's left over.
Boarder—(musingly)—But what do you do with the hash that's left over?
Landlady—Re-hash it!
"If," said the druggist, "you will give this new tonic a trial I'm sure you will never use any other."
"Excuse me," rejoined the customer, "but I prefer something less fatal."
"Do you know, George, Papa thinks you are a literary man."
"Where did he get that idea?"
"I don't know, but he said you looked just like a bookmaker."
Student—Professor, which is the logical way of reaching a conclusion?
Professor—Take a train of thought, my boy.
Smith—They say that after a time the engineer of a limited flyer loses his nerve.
Jones—The engineer, perhaps, but not the Pullman porter!
"What do you mean by referring to Miss Elderly as a pall-bearer?"
"She sits around all day long with a green parrot on her shoulder. I don't like such Poll-bearers."
Courtney—When you proposed to Miss Dexter did you get down on your knees?
Barclay—No, I couldn't; she was sitting on them.
Kicksy—Wife, can you tell me why I am like a hen?
Mrs. Kicksy—No, dear, why is it?
Kicksy—Because I can seldom find anything where I laid it yesterday.
"Did you ever hear about the two holes in our back-yard?"
"Well! Well!"
"Old Jones was killed last night by a dew-drop."
"Must have been a very heavy one."
"About four hundred tons."
"Horrible!"
"You see he was standing under the trestle, and a freight train ran off the track and dropped on him."
"But how about the dew?"
"Why, the train was due!"
First Doctor—Well, doctor, I had a peculiar case to-day.
Second Doctor—What was it, please?
First Doctor—I attended a grass widow who is afflicted with hay fever.
Fred—Did you hear of The Western Furniture Co. advertising for models.
Dick—What for?
Fred—To try on Parlor suits.
"Yes, there is one part of the dough-nut that wouldn't give you dyspepsia."
"And what part is that?"
"The hole in the middle!"
Fannie—Why do people always apply the name of "she" to a city?
George—I don't know. Why is it?
Fannie—Because every city has outskirts.
"And you really believe that Friday is an unlucky day?"
"I know it is."
"Washington was born on Friday, and so was Napoleon and Tennyson and Gladstone."
"Yes, and every mother's son of them is dead!"
"Are you an amateur photographer?"
"No. Why do you ask?"
"Oh, I heard that you got Miss Rox's negative last night."
Pat and Mike each wanted to be first up on St. Patrick's Day.
Pat—"If I'm up first I'll make a chalk mark on the door."
Mike—"And if I get up first I'll rub it out!"
Sibly—When Steve proposed to me he acted like a fish out of water.
Tirpie—Why shouldn't he? He knew he was caught.
She—Why do they call it an arm of the sea?
He—Because it hugs the shore, I guess.
The sunshine warm and budding trees,Made Johnny feel quite gay.He went to swim—the obsequiesAre being held to-day.
The sunshine warm and budding trees,Made Johnny feel quite gay.He went to swim—the obsequiesAre being held to-day.
"What's the matter, John? You look kind o' weather-beaten this morning."
"That's exactly what I am. I bet five dollars it would rain yesterday, and it didn't!"
"Can you swim, little boy?"
"Yes, sir."
"Where did you learn?"
"In the water, sir."
Millie—"I wonder what the holes in a porous plaster are for?"
Willie—"Why, they're for the pain to come out through, of course!"
"It's a good idea to make light of your troubles." "I do," replied Happigo; "whenever a creditor sends me a letter I burn it."
"What have you got to say for yourself?" "Jes dis, suh; I wants a liar to defend me." "You mean a lawyer?" "Yes, suh; I knowed I most had it!"
"So her second husband is a tenor?"
"Yes; she says her first was a bass deceiver!"
"I cannot play second fiddle to any one."
"Then be my beau!"
Jimson—Now, you wouldn't marry me, would you?
Miss Sears—Most certainly not; but why do you ask such a question?
Jimson—Just to decide a bet.
Clara—"He gave me an army-and-navy kiss."
Maud—"What kind is that?"
Clara—"Oh, rapid fire—sixty a minute!"
"Young man, don't you know you ought to lay something by for a rainy day?" "I do; my rubbers."
The Only Remedy—"Mamma, I dess you'll have to turn the hose on me."
"Why, dear?"
"'Tause I'se dot my 'tocking on wrong side out."
He—"I saw you out driving yesterday with a gentleman. He appeared to have only one arm; is that all he has?"
She—"Oh, no; the other arm was around somewhere."
"Why are pugilists like chickens?"
"Because they live on 'scraps!'"
May—I wonder what the men do at the club?
Pamela—From what Jack says I guess they play with the kitty most of the time.
Swatter—I see you are mentioned in one of the books just published.
Primly—Indeed! What book?
Swatter—The directory.
"Do you go to church to hear the sermon or the music, Maude?" "I go for the hims," said Maud.