"NOT GOLDEN, BUT GILDED"
"NOT GOLDEN, BUT GILDED"
NEW VERSIONThe Temptation of Anthony
NEW VERSION
The Temptation of Anthony
ON THE BRAINMrs. Martha Ricks—"Aunt Martha"
ON THE BRAIN
Mrs. Martha Ricks—"Aunt Martha"
FATE!"Owth's Ikey?""Vy, Ikeyth's dead.""You don't thay so. Vy I thor him goin' ter the thinagogue lathst week.""Vell, ith's all along of that thinagogue that Ikeyth's dead. They was a-justh coming out, ven someone outside shouted out, 'Sale goin' ter commenth,' and Ikey was killed in the crush!"
FATE!
"Owth's Ikey?"
"Vy, Ikeyth's dead."
"You don't thay so. Vy I thor him goin' ter the thinagogue lathst week."
"Vell, ith's all along of that thinagogue that Ikeyth's dead. They was a-justh coming out, ven someone outside shouted out, 'Sale goin' ter commenth,' and Ikey was killed in the crush!"
ON THE BRAINH.R.H. The Prince of Wales
ON THE BRAIN
H.R.H. The Prince of Wales
AT THE NATIONAL SPORTING CLUBTHE NOBLE ART
THE NOBLE ART
ON THE BRAINThe Duke of Cambridge
ON THE BRAIN
The Duke of Cambridge
PRO BONO PUBLICODiscontented Artist:"I wish I had a fortune. I would never paint again."Generous "Brother-Brush":"By Jove, old man, I wishIhad one. I'd give it to you!"
PRO BONO PUBLICO
Discontented Artist:"I wish I had a fortune. I would never paint again."
Generous "Brother-Brush":"By Jove, old man, I wishIhad one. I'd give it to you!"
ON THE BRAINThe Duke of Fife
ON THE BRAIN
The Duke of Fife
ACCOMMODATINGCustomer:"I want a respirator, please."Chemist:"I'm afraid, sir, we haven't one your size in stock, but if you will wait until I go and get a tape-measure, I will get you one made!"
ACCOMMODATING
Customer:"I want a respirator, please."
Chemist:"I'm afraid, sir, we haven't one your size in stock, but if you will wait until I go and get a tape-measure, I will get you one made!"
ON THE BRAINThe German Emperor
ON THE BRAIN
The German Emperor
AT A PROVINCIAL BANQUETFlunkey:"Excuse me, mum, but the banquet has commenced, and I can't admit you. Them's my orders."She:"But the Mayor is here, isn't he?"Flunkey:"Oh, yes, he's here right enough."She:"Well, but I'm his lady."Flunkey:"It makes no difference, mum; I couldn't admit you if you were his wife."
AT A PROVINCIAL BANQUET
Flunkey:"Excuse me, mum, but the banquet has commenced, and I can't admit you. Them's my orders."
She:"But the Mayor is here, isn't he?"
Flunkey:"Oh, yes, he's here right enough."
She:"Well, but I'm his lady."
Flunkey:"It makes no difference, mum; I couldn't admit you if you were his wife."
ON THE BRAIN
The Duc d'Orleans
The Duc d'Orleans
ALL THE DIFFERENCEBarmaid:"I beg pardon, I have taken twopence too much. I didn't know you were an actor. I thought you were only a gentleman!"
ALL THE DIFFERENCE
Barmaid:"I beg pardon, I have taken twopence too much. I didn't know you were an actor. I thought you were only a gentleman!"
THREE MEN IN A BOOTTHREE MEN IN A BOOT
THREE MEN IN A BOOT
A FRIEND IN NEEDInvalid:"I sometimes feel inclined to blow my brains out."Friend:"I shouldn't advise you to try it, old chap, you know you're a bad shot, and there's nothing much to aim at!"
A FRIEND IN NEED
Invalid:"I sometimes feel inclined to blow my brains out."
Friend:"I shouldn't advise you to try it, old chap, you know you're a bad shot, and there's nothing much to aim at!"
Cousin Jane:"I want ma to have her portrait painted. Who would you recommend?"Cousin George:"Stacy Marks."
Cousin Jane:"I want ma to have her portrait painted. Who would you recommend?"
Cousin George:"Stacy Marks."
ON THE BRAINMrs. Besant
ON THE BRAIN
Mrs. Besant
AN UPRIGHT COURSEParson:"Tell me, my good man, do you know the way to heaven?"Old Cantankerous(who doesn't like parsons):"Well, I sh'd think if you was to follow your nose, it 'ud be a short cut!"
AN UPRIGHT COURSE
Parson:"Tell me, my good man, do you know the way to heaven?"
Old Cantankerous(who doesn't like parsons):"Well, I sh'd think if you was to follow your nose, it 'ud be a short cut!"
ON THE BRAINMr. Henry George
ON THE BRAIN
Mr. Henry George
A BENEVOLENT CONNOISSEUR"You are!"
A BENEVOLENT CONNOISSEUR
"You are!"
ON THE BRAINSir Charles Ewan Smith
ON THE BRAIN
Sir Charles Ewan Smith
ON THE SANDSMachine Man(to bather who has been complaining that he was not taken out far enough):"Why, lor bless yer, Sir, I once know'd a man who could dive in two foot of water."Bather:"And where's he buried?"
ON THE SANDS
Machine Man(to bather who has been complaining that he was not taken out far enough):"Why, lor bless yer, Sir, I once know'd a man who could dive in two foot of water."
Bather:"And where's he buried?"
ON THE BRAINMr. George Grossmith
ON THE BRAIN
Mr. George Grossmith
WOMANLYFirst Philanthropist:"Cannot we start a society for the employment of the poor Russian Jews?"Second Ditto:"Well, you see, what could they do? You know that they can't speak English."First Ditto:"Oh, get them something to do on the railway, to call out the names of the stations, for instance."
WOMANLY
First Philanthropist:"Cannot we start a society for the employment of the poor Russian Jews?"
Second Ditto:"Well, you see, what could they do? You know that they can't speak English."
First Ditto:"Oh, get them something to do on the railway, to call out the names of the stations, for instance."
ON THE BRAINMr. Arthur Roberts
ON THE BRAIN
Mr. Arthur Roberts
OUR CLIMATE"Look here, that barometer you sold me a month ago has got out of order, it won't work.""Well, you see, sir, look what a lot of wear and tear 'e's 'ad lately."
OUR CLIMATE
"Look here, that barometer you sold me a month ago has got out of order, it won't work."
"Well, you see, sir, look what a lot of wear and tear 'e's 'ad lately."
ON THE BRAINSir George Newnes
ON THE BRAIN
Sir George Newnes
CHEEKUrchin:"Hi, governor, remember the warning afore yer starts!"
CHEEK
Urchin:"Hi, governor, remember the warning afore yer starts!"
ON THE BRAINSir George Dibbs
ON THE BRAIN
Sir George Dibbs
INFORMATION WANTEDFat Party:"Say, boy, do my boots want cleaning?"
INFORMATION WANTED
Fat Party:"Say, boy, do my boots want cleaning?"
ON THE BRAINMr. Horace Sedger
ON THE BRAIN
Mr. Horace Sedger
FRENCH, AS SHE IS SPOKEFrench Professor:"How would you pronounce t-o-u-t-a-f-a-i-t?"Pupil:"Totty Fay."
FRENCH, AS SHE IS SPOKE
French Professor:"How would you pronounce t-o-u-t-a-f-a-i-t?"
Pupil:"Totty Fay."
ON THE BRAINThe Marquis of Queensberry
ON THE BRAIN
The Marquis of Queensberry
HARD LINESDay Policeman(relieving night-man):"How's the missus?"Night Policeman:"I don't know. 'Aven't seen her for ten years."Day Policeman:"But ye're living together, aren't yer?"Night Policeman:"Yes, but she's a charwoman, an' is out all day, an' I'm out all night. So we've never met since we came back from our honeymoon."
HARD LINES
Day Policeman(relieving night-man):"How's the missus?"
Night Policeman:"I don't know. 'Aven't seen her for ten years."
Day Policeman:"But ye're living together, aren't yer?"
Night Policeman:"Yes, but she's a charwoman, an' is out all day, an' I'm out all night. So we've never met since we came back from our honeymoon."
ON THE BRAINMr. W. T. Stead
ON THE BRAIN
Mr. W. T. Stead
MUTUAL CONSIDERATIONArt Critic:"What do you think of Alma Cadmium's painting?"Artist:"Oh, I think it is superb."Art Critic:"I'm surprised to hear you say that.Hesays just the reverse of yours."Artist:"Ah, well, perhaps we're both mistaken!"
MUTUAL CONSIDERATION
Art Critic:"What do you think of Alma Cadmium's painting?"
Artist:"Oh, I think it is superb."
Art Critic:"I'm surprised to hear you say that.Hesays just the reverse of yours."
Artist:"Ah, well, perhaps we're both mistaken!"
ON THE BRAINMr. William Morris
ON THE BRAIN
Mr. William Morris
BRITONS IN PARISFirst Englishman:"Where shall we go?"Second Englishman(who does not know that 'relâche' means that the piece is taken off):"Let's go to the Eden and see 'Relâche'!"
BRITONS IN PARIS
First Englishman:"Where shall we go?"
Second Englishman(who does not know that 'relâche' means that the piece is taken off):"Let's go to the Eden and see 'Relâche'!"
ON THE BRAINSir Henry Parkes
ON THE BRAIN
Sir Henry Parkes
READY FOR THE BALL"Phwell and phwat do ye think of me, darlint?""Shure ye look jist illigent, but I phwish it wur a mask ball!"
READY FOR THE BALL
"Phwell and phwat do ye think of me, darlint?"
"Shure ye look jist illigent, but I phwish it wur a mask ball!"
ON THE BRAINLord Dufferin
ON THE BRAIN
Lord Dufferin
BEFORE HIS FRIENDSBrown(who likes to be thought a swell, and who has been entrusted with a friend's brougham for the night):"Home, John."John:"Where's that, sir?"
BEFORE HIS FRIENDS
Brown(who likes to be thought a swell, and who has been entrusted with a friend's brougham for the night):"Home, John."
John:"Where's that, sir?"
ON THE BRAINSir Augustus Harris
ON THE BRAIN
Sir Augustus Harris
SAINTLY POLITENESS
SAINTLY POLITENESS
ON THE BRAINSir Edward Lawson
ON THE BRAIN
Sir Edward Lawson
OH, LISTEN TO A TALE OF "WO"
OH, LISTEN TO A TALE OF "WO"
ON THE BRAINMr. Rudyard Kipling
ON THE BRAIN
Mr. Rudyard Kipling
THE NEW JEW"And so you're going to marry a Christian and disgrace your poor old father.""Yeth, but I'm goin' to change my name to Smith.""But what are you goin' to do withthatnose?"
THE NEW JEW
"And so you're going to marry a Christian and disgrace your poor old father."
"Yeth, but I'm goin' to change my name to Smith."
"But what are you goin' to do withthatnose?"
"Oh, I say! Ain't 'e in a bloomin' 'urry; 'e wants to git there before the 'orse."
"Oh, I say! Ain't 'e in a bloomin' 'urry; 'e wants to git there before the 'orse."
"Yes, I was three months in the dessert, with nothing to drink but camel's milk.""Didn't it give you thehump!"
"Yes, I was three months in the dessert, with nothing to drink but camel's milk."
"Didn't it give you thehump!"
ON THE BRAINThe Right Hon. W. V. Harcourt, M.P.
ON THE BRAIN
The Right Hon. W. V. Harcourt, M.P.
THE VICTIM OF CIRCUMSTANCESPious Friend:"Dear me, I'm sorry to see you coming out of a public-house, Mr. Brown.""Couldn't help it, ole fel' (hic), I was chucked out!"
THE VICTIM OF CIRCUMSTANCES
Pious Friend:"Dear me, I'm sorry to see you coming out of a public-house, Mr. Brown."
"Couldn't help it, ole fel' (hic), I was chucked out!"
ON THE BRAINMonsieur Ernest Renan
ON THE BRAIN
Monsieur Ernest Renan
A PAIR OF SOILED KIDS
A PAIR OF SOILED KIDS
LIP.New Arrival(in Australia):"What's good for mosquitoes?"Resident:"You are!"
LIP.
New Arrival(in Australia):"What's good for mosquitoes?"
Resident:"You are!"
ON THE BRAINThe Late Lord Randolph Churchill
ON THE BRAIN
The Late Lord Randolph Churchill
THE CAPE MAILClerk:"The letter is too heavy. It will require an extra stamp."She:"Won't that make it heavier?"
THE CAPE MAIL
Clerk:"The letter is too heavy. It will require an extra stamp."
She:"Won't that make it heavier?"
ON THE BRAINLord Russell of Killowen
ON THE BRAIN
Lord Russell of Killowen
"What the deuce are you smoking, old chap?""Well, you see, the doctor has limited me to one cigar a day!"
"What the deuce are you smoking, old chap?"
"Well, you see, the doctor has limited me to one cigar a day!"
ON THE BRAINMr. H. M. Stanley
ON THE BRAIN
Mr. H. M. Stanley
INFORMATIONObliging Driver(to country visitor, who is trying to see London from the top of a 'bus in an intense fog):"That there's the Halbert Memorial, but you can't see it!"
INFORMATION
Obliging Driver(to country visitor, who is trying to see London from the top of a 'bus in an intense fog):"That there's the Halbert Memorial, but you can't see it!"
ON THE BRAINLord Alington
ON THE BRAIN
Lord Alington
INQUISITIVE"Oh, ma! Are those what they call sea legs?"
INQUISITIVE
"Oh, ma! Are those what they call sea legs?"
A HOWLING SWELL
A HOWLING SWELL
ON THE BRAINThe Rt. Hon. A. J. Balfour, M.P.
ON THE BRAIN
The Rt. Hon. A. J. Balfour, M.P.
AN IDLE FELLOWVisitor:"I hear you've had the celebrated Mr. Abbey, the artist, staying with you down here."Proprietor of Old-Fashioned Inn:"Yes, sir, an' he be thelaziestman I ever came across. He do nothing but dror and paint all day!"
AN IDLE FELLOW
Visitor:"I hear you've had the celebrated Mr. Abbey, the artist, staying with you down here."
Proprietor of Old-Fashioned Inn:"Yes, sir, an' he be thelaziestman I ever came across. He do nothing but dror and paint all day!"
ON THE BRAINThe £1,000 per Night-ingale
ON THE BRAIN
The £1,000 per Night-ingale
Grandpapa(to Tommy, who has just come home from school):"And did you get a good place in your class at the last examination?"Tommy:"Yes; next to the stove."
Grandpapa(to Tommy, who has just come home from school):"And did you get a good place in your class at the last examination?"
Tommy:"Yes; next to the stove."
POODLES
POODLES
A PLEASANT PROSPECT"Grandma, shall I have a face like you when I get old?""Yes, my dear, if you're good."
A PLEASANT PROSPECT
"Grandma, shall I have a face like you when I get old?"
"Yes, my dear, if you're good."
ON THE BRAINThe Rt. Hon. W. E. Gladstone
ON THE BRAIN
The Rt. Hon. W. E. Gladstone
ON THE SANDS"Lor', 'Arry, ain't it 'ot?""Well, sit down, an' I'll blow yer."
ON THE SANDS
"Lor', 'Arry, ain't it 'ot?"
"Well, sit down, an' I'll blow yer."
ON THE BRAINMr. Joseph Chamberlain, M.P.
ON THE BRAIN
Mr. Joseph Chamberlain, M.P.
REALISMComedian:"The critic of theBack Alley Chronicledescribed me as giving a very 'saponaceous' rendering to my part. What does 'saponaceous' mean, dear boy?"Tragedian(with learned dignity):"Cudgel not thy brains with words higher than thy bloomin' salary."
REALISM
Comedian:"The critic of theBack Alley Chronicledescribed me as giving a very 'saponaceous' rendering to my part. What does 'saponaceous' mean, dear boy?"
Tragedian(with learned dignity):"Cudgel not thy brains with words higher than thy bloomin' salary."
ON THE BRAINMonsieur Emile Zola
ON THE BRAIN
Monsieur Emile Zola
AT THE RIDING SCHOOLNervous Pupil:"When do you think I shall go on the road?"Riding Master:"Very soon, if you don't sit better than that."
AT THE RIDING SCHOOL
Nervous Pupil:"When do you think I shall go on the road?"
Riding Master:"Very soon, if you don't sit better than that."
ON THE BRAINLord Tennyson
ON THE BRAIN
Lord Tennyson
NO CHANCE"Always take care of your money, my son.""I can't, you never give me any."
NO CHANCE
"Always take care of your money, my son."
"I can't, you never give me any."
She:"But I really thought you were much taller than you are, Mr. Smith."He:"Oh, no! Not a bit, I assure you!"
She:"But I really thought you were much taller than you are, Mr. Smith."
He:"Oh, no! Not a bit, I assure you!"
A PROMINENT FEATURE"Hillo, Bill! What's the matter with your nose?""I don't know. Think my conscience must have pricked it."
A PROMINENT FEATURE
"Hillo, Bill! What's the matter with your nose?"
"I don't know. Think my conscience must have pricked it."
ON THE BRAINSir Blundell Maple, M.P.
ON THE BRAIN
Sir Blundell Maple, M.P.
FORCE OF HABITPrison Photographer(who has just obtained the post, to sitter, who is about to undergo twenty years' penal servitude):"Now sir, look pleasant!"
FORCE OF HABIT
Prison Photographer(who has just obtained the post, to sitter, who is about to undergo twenty years' penal servitude):"Now sir, look pleasant!"
ON THE BRAINMr. Albert Chevalier
ON THE BRAIN
Mr. Albert Chevalier
THE UNKINDEST CUTHe:"I grew a beard and moustache for ten years, and I forgot what I was like without, so I just shaved to see."She:"And weren't you shocked?"
THE UNKINDEST CUT
He:"I grew a beard and moustache for ten years, and I forgot what I was like without, so I just shaved to see."
She:"And weren't you shocked?"
"Hillo, Bill—blind again?""I beg pardon, I'm not blind at all; asha-matterer-fac, I can see twiche-ash-much as you."
"Hillo, Bill—blind again?"
"I beg pardon, I'm not blind at all; asha-matterer-fac, I can see twiche-ash-much as you."
"Say, would you be so stupid as to lend me 5s.?"
"Say, would you be so stupid as to lend me 5s.?"
Bridget.In Her War-Paint
In Her War-Paint
FAST AND LOOSE
FAST AND LOOSE
OBVIOUS
OBVIOUS
MONSIEUR SARDOU
MONSIEUR SARDOU
PLEASANT MEMORIES"Ah, it's many a day since I 'ad it!"
PLEASANT MEMORIES
"Ah, it's many a day since I 'ad it!"