Chapter 19THE LORE OF LOVE
In this book, as you have noted, I have taken a firm stand against any mechanical approach to love or love-making. This represents the psychiatric view of love and is based on the premise that frigidity is psychological in nature and that the resolution of it must be therefore a psychological one.
The mechanical approach is based on the premise that love-making is an art or even a science that can be learned, as the piano or chemistry can be learned. From the psychiatric view the so-called art of love is instinctual. The perfectly free person, if one can be imagined, would, if he loved and were loved in return, soon become a sophisticated practitioner of this art with the barest of preparation.
I recall an anecdote that illustrates this point. It was told to me by a sociologist who was conducting a survey of married couples in an effort to find the correlation between premarital advice and sexual happiness. While questioning one healthy couple whose marriage was obviously happy, he asked the husband:
“And did your parents give you any advice?”
“Yes.”
“Which parent?”
“My father.”
“Did he give you a thorough briefing?”
Pause. “Yes, it was brief.” Pause. “And it was thorough.”
“What did he tell you?”
“You want his words?”
“Yes, if you like.”
“He said, ‘Everything goes.’”
However, such free spirits as this one are relatively rare in our society. Usually more instruction is needed. Taboos against sexuality have characterized Western civilization. The art of love, therefore, seems to me to be largely the art of getting over societally induced ignorance, superstition, and inhibition.
Here’s how I view the matter. When through the methods employed in this section or through therapy one has at length achieved psychological maturity and therefore vaginal orgasm is no longer blocked, an examination of some of the technical information about love-making can be helpful. Before that point, such lore tends to lead to an inhibiting self-consciousness.
It is generally agreed by students of the matter that spontaneity in sexual relations must never be lost. Married life tends to impose a rather rigid pattern in all areas of living. Such routinization is a necessity if the world’s work is to get done. For most people, for example, it becomes necessary to breakfast every day at the same time, in the same place, and in the same manner. If one allows this to happen to sexuality one is imprisoning the unicorn, exposing love-making to a loss of its magic.
Variety is the spice that married love often needs, and it takes no great effort to be various in love-making. It takesonly a sense of its importance and the knowledge of a few minimal facts.
One method of preserving spontaneity is to prevent love-making from always occurring at the same time. Evenings in most homes tend to follow a pattern. Supper must be cooked, dishes must be done, children must be put to bed. And then there’s television or guests. I have had many men and women defend the proposition that, since love-making tends to make them sleepy when it is finished, the last moments of the day are by necessity the time for love.
But this is making convenience a necessity. And love is too beautiful, too centrally important to be domesticated so. If it can laugh at locksmiths, it can also, once every week or two, laugh behind locked bedroom doors. Children have homework to do or a television program to watch, and anyhow, it is good for them to realize that Mother and Father spend some time alone and love to.
Dishes can wait occasionally, too, at least in the name of love. And a television program is rarely so good or demanding that a delicious sleepiness won’t improve it.
Desire often arises unbidden and for no apparently rational reason. Men are more subject to outside stimuli than women and are perhaps more uninhibited, so the inception of love-making at unroutine times may most frequently originate with them. But women, too, when they feel the urge should realize that they can initiate a passionate interlude and should not prevent themselves from doing so. It is proper and good that a woman should do this. And her husband will love it.
I am assuming that the partners in such delightfully off-hour trysts are sensitive to each other’s responses. What every man and woman must realize is that it is perfectly all right to say no if one is fatigued or preoccupied. But the nay-saying must be gentle, and if it is so and the partnerwho makes the advance is hurt, he or she must examine the rejected feeling, take full responsibility for it, and dispose of it. Holding onto such feelings causes one to fear making advances, and this will deprive the relationship of one of the best techniques for maintaining spontaneity. It is insensitive and unloving to force a partner by sulking or other forms of psychological blackmail to satisfy a need. It is far easier for the ardent one to wait; the time will come soon enough; the fact that you have announced your desire has a delayed reaction on your loved one.
Waking in the middle of the night, many men find themselves prepared for love-making, the penis firmly erect. And many women love to be awakened from their sleep to find themselves mistily, dreamily in the embrace of love; the body on waking is often very sensual.
Changes on the time for love can be rung in a variety of ways, and it is advisable to see that they are. Not too much effort is necessary; the hour at the end of the day when one is preparing for sleep will still remain the basic time for intercourse. It will need but an occasional switch in time to keep this customary trysting hour from losing its quality of ever-renewed excitement.
Another and perhaps even more basic technique for preserving the spontaneity of sex is that of varying the position used during intercourse. In most relationships one preferred position generally evolves. If this position is always adopted, the feeling of a monotonous repetitiveness can enter the love situation, and this must be guarded against.
This fact has been recognized from earliest times, and efforts to combat it have given rise through the centuries to a vast number of books on the subject. Hindu, Greek, Roman, and Persian literature record hundreds of sexual positions and animadversions, and if one has a library of erotica available and is sufficiently curious these positionsmay be studied. However, such a proliferation of detail can become exhausting and even morbid and absurd—though perhaps gaily absurd. Most of the modern books which dispense direct sexual advice obtain their material from these ancient sources.
There are only five basic positions which have real relevance to most couples. I am going to describe them so that when you encounter them or wish yourself to change from your usual position you will not feel that they are strange, awkward, or so exotic as to cause you feelings of shyness, embarrassment, or guilt.
The first position, of course, is the ventro-ventral (or face to face) position, with the man on top and the woman on the bottom with her knees up. Not even the most puritanically reared person will demur at this position, for it is the classical sexual position used in our society.
It is, if used properly, perhaps the best position for sexual union. It allows for deep penetration of the vagina by the penis, and because it leaves the pelvic regions of both partners free, it allows for variety in sexual movement, though the man has more freedom of movement in this position than the woman.
There’s an old but apt joke about this position. A young chorus girl asks an older one what her definition of a gentleman is. The older one promptly replies: “One who leans on his elbows.” Men should remember that this fact can be pertinent. The full weight of the heavy man can be quite tiring even to a very passionate woman.
A pleasant variant of this position can be achieved if a pillow is placed under the buttocks of the woman before intercourse. If it is placed a little toward the small of the back, those women who receive preliminary pleasure from friction between the clitoris and the penis will find the contact easier to effect. If it is placed a bit forward it will bevery exciting to those who get a great deal of sensation from pressure of the penis against the posterior walls of the vagina.
Generally in this classical position the woman simply spreads her legs and raises them (lying with the legs straight down makes vaginal entrance difficult for the male). Those who enjoy stimulation of the posterior vaginal wall may lock their legs around their partner’s hips. Those who in the initial stages of intercourse are most aroused by clitoral stimulation may close their legs; in this position the man is half kneeling, straddling his partner’s hips. This latter position is not too comfortable for the man if it is maintained for long. A less arduous position for the man is achieved if he straddles one of his partner’s legs and enters the vagina at a slightly oblique angle. This allows the woman to close the leg that is free, which gives maximum contact of all portions of the vulva with the penis.
The next major position reverses the top-bottom roles. The woman, in this variant, is on the top, the man on the bottom.
Many couples feel inhibited about this position. The man will often feel “feminized,” the woman “masculinized.” Such relativistic concepts of what is male and what is female could actually have any application only if this were the chief position in which a couple had intercourse. And even this fact could be altered by circumstance; for example, the woman might be physically very small and the man very large and heavy.
This position is adopted either as a spontaneous change for variety’s sake or because the woman may be feeling far more energetic than the man at the moment; the partner on top, of course, does the major portion of the moving. Psychologically this position can represent an expression of tenderness on the woman’s part. If her husband feels sensualbut fatigued, she can give him pleasure without making it necessary for him to develop the usual amount of male aggressiveness. Such a passive role can be exciting to a man on occasion, and he should allow himself to indulge it.
In this position the woman may straddle her husband’s hips; this occasions very deep penetration, and may be particularly pleasurable because since she is in charge she may feel freer to exert more than the usual pressure of the penis against the cervix. In this position, too, she may lie on top of her husband, her legs supported by his, or she may lie between his legs. In these two latter positions the clitoris can be brought into very close contact with the penis, and this is of course very pleasant for women who become aroused in this fashion.
Another alternative for love-making is the face to face and sideways position. In this position, since the woman is generally the lighter of the two, one of her legs is placed over the man’s hips; this allows him to insert his penis at a slightly oblique angle. Pillows for head and shoulder are generally necessary if this position is maintained for the entire intercourse.
The next position is the dorso-ventral position, in which the man’s penis enters the woman’s vagina from the back. If the entire intercourse is performed while lying sideways, this is perhaps the most “restful” of all positions. For obvious reasons it is sometimes the preferred form for intercourse during pregnancy.
This position is often extremely exciting to a man. I do not know exactly why this is so, though it has been suggested that the position suggests the “animality” of pure lust. And this idea could be stimulated by the fact that the position is the familiar one that animals take. Or perhaps the fact that the partners are not face to face may remove some ofthe personal factor from the sexual embrace, giving it a more primordial and impersonal character. This may be the reason men may find it more enjoyable than women, their sexual natures being, as we have seen, somewhat more deeply rooted in their biology than the woman’s sexual nature. I must emphasize, however, that these ideas are merely speculative.
The dorso-ventral position can also be assumed with the woman kneeling, or standing up and bending over, supporting herself against a chair or wall with her hands. It can be achieved less athletically if the man sits on a chair and his partner sits on his lap, although this obviously allows for less movement by both.
The last general position I shall describe here is the standing position. It is a particularly arduous position for the male; he generally must bend his knees slightly to enter and must hold onto his partner’s buttocks to maintain entrance.
I think these are the major sexual positions which it is relevant to know and to adopt when the mood is upon one. Most of the “hundreds” of others described in the literature of antiquity are subtle variations of these and have no particular application to the love-making a modern couple might engage in. Indeed, I think it is apparent that any excessive preoccupation with such nuances could indicate a morbidity, may be a confession that the person, far from having achieved sexual maturity, is in some profound way impotent.
There is one further point I should like to make about these positions. While men can usually have an orgasm in any position, many women, if not most, achieve it most completely and satisfyingly in one favorite position. This is perfectly consonant with full psychological and sexual maturity, and one should in no wise feel the slightest bitapologetic about it. It is absolutely advisable to make this fact known to one’s partner in love. He will, of course, if you are both feeling positionally experimental, return to the position you prefer when you are ready to have your climax.
A psychiatrist is asked a wide variety of questions about sexuality by his patients. Here are some of the more frequent areas about which individuals seem to wish further information:
There are no rules whatever about this, though suggestions about what is “normal” have been made from earliest times. Mohammed the Prophet stated that once a week was best; Martin Luther found that twice a week “does harm neither to her nor to me.”
In these days of sociological studies there have of course been endless attempts to find the statistical norm for frequency of intercourse. The Margaret Sanger Research Bureau in 1933 released figures showing that, of ten thousand cases investigated, sexual intercourse occurred from one to three times per week—4 per cent had intercourse one or more times daily. Kinsey found that frequency depended greatly on the age of the husband; men between twenty-one and twenty-five showed an intercourse rate of just over three times per week; those between thirty-one and thirty-five showed a frequency rate of a little more than twice a week; those aged forty-one to forty-five had intercourse on an average of one and one half times a week; and men over fifty-six averaged less than once a week.
These studies, of course, always show wide variations in individual cases.
In my opinion frequency of intercourse is entirely anindividual matter. The only criterion of any importance is that both partners feel completely satisfied with the amount of intercourse they are having. If one of the partners is dissatisfied, the subject should be open for discussion in a very frank manner. No cause for feelings of rejection by a partner should be allowed to develop in silence.
There will always be periods in which, because of exterior circumstances (pregnancy, business worries, sickness, etc.), the rate of intercourse in any marriage may slow down or stop for a while.
There are such variations, as far as most of the research undertaken so far can determine. Katherine Davis, in a study of one thousand married women, and studies by Marie Stokes, Therese Benedek, and others indicate that the desire of women vary during the menstrual cycle. According to Hannah and Abraham Stone, who have made a study of a large number of women, “Most … state that their erotic impulses are increased either a few days before the onset of the menstrual flow or, more usually, right after menstruation, although the latter rise may be partly due to the abstinence which is generally maintained during the menstrual week.” Stokes reported also a second rise of sexual desire at some point in the middle of the menstrual month. There are apparently individual differences in the cycle of desire, and a woman can best determine for herself her own particular rhythm.
There is much to be learned about this matter. The relationship between hormonal secretion and female sexuality and “femininity” has been most recently studied by Therese Benedek in her bookPsychosexual Functions in Women. This is a technical book, but anyone interested inthis aspect of the subject will find the material fascinating.
As far as can be determined, there is no corresponding cycle of desire in the male.
This is entirely an individual matter. It varies with each couple and often with each intercourse. Indeed, this variability in time can add to the spontaneity factor in intercourse.
There seems to be only one basic rule governing the length of time; to see that the other partner achieves orgasm if it is desired. This often means that the husband must postpone his climax until the wife achieves hers. Most men are able to learn to control the moment at which they reach orgasm and therefore can wait until their wives are ready.
Orgasm in unison is widely held to be the most desirable form of climax. However, I have had many people of both sexes report that they preferred to reach climax immediately before or immediately after their partners. Some say that they are distracted by the other’s movements at this juncture. Others say that they profoundly enjoy the partner’s excitement and that they prefer to have a modicum of ego left to experience it more completely.
Some women have two or more orgasms to their husband’s one. By far the majority of men have only one orgasm per intercourse. If on occasion a man has his ejaculation before the woman achieves her climax, she will often continue her movements until she is satisfied. However, the glans penis (head of the penis) of many men becomes extremely sensitive immediately after orgasm, and in that case the woman may have to postpone her satisfaction until the next time. If she continues her movements it may cause her husband to have unpleasant sensations, even though he may still have an erection and thus appear to be able to continue.
I am often asked the question whether any sexual practice between husband and wife could be considered “unhealthy” or “wrong.” In my opinion, certain practices could be considered so, though I know I am at variance with certain sexologists. A long discussion of the matter, however, would take us into psychological and even perhaps moral realms which I do not feel are pertinent to this book. As a rule of thumb, I would say that any practice that does not culminate in intercourse tends to be regressive and infantile if it becomes a chief method of sexual expression. Also, insistence on any practice that cannot be shared pleasurably by the partner is likewise regressive.
The so-called “polymorphus perverse” pleasures are aspects of foreplay and not ends in themselves. The primacy of the oral, anal, onanistic, or sado-masochistic forms of sexuality is a hallmark of the immature personality. Another unmistakable sign of such immaturity (or even of downright psychic illness) is the insistence onanyform of sexuality not heartily endorsed by one’s partner.
To use or not to use contraceptives is a personal matter that every individual must settle for himself.
When the responsibility for contraception is up to the woman, she should always be prepared for intercourse whenever it is even remotely possible. There is nothing so deadening to sexual excitement as the woman who comes to love unprepared and must interrupt the process to put her diaphragm on. If this is a repetitive situation in marital life it is almost a certain sign that the woman has not yet accepted her feminine role. The tacit assumption when you obtain a diaphragm is that you are accepting the responsibilityfor contraception. There is rarely any need, other than a negative one on the woman’s part, for this to interfere or to impinge on sexual intercourse in any manner. The husband is quite correct who interprets chronic remissiveness of this sort as an unsolved problem of his wife.