[3]Vide Plut. Apophth. p. 177.
[3]Vide Plut. Apophth. p. 177.
We have also several puns recorded in Diogenes Laertius's "Lives of the Philosophers;" and those made by the wisest and gravest men among them, even by Diogenes the cynick, who, although pretending to withstand the irresistible charms of punning, was cursed with the name of an abhorrerYet, in spite of all his ill-nature and affectation (for he was a tub-preacher), he made so excellent a pun, that Scaliger said, "He would rather have been author of it, than king of Navarre." The story is as follows: Didymus (not Didymus the commentator upon Homer, but a famous rake among the ladies at Athens) having taken in hand to cure a virgin's eye that was sore, had this caution given him by Diogenes, "Take care you do not corrupt your pupil." The word κὁρα signifies both the pupil of the eye and a virgin[4].
[4]See Laërtius.
[4]See Laërtius.
It would be endless to produce all the authorities that might be gathered, from Diodorus Siculus, Herodotus, Proconosius, Bergæus, Dionysius Halicarnassensis, Lycophron, Pindar, Apollonius, Menander, Aristophanes, Corinthus Cous, Nonnus, Demosthenes, Euripides, Thucydides, Plato, Aristotle, &c.; from every one of which I should have produced some quotations, were it not that we are so unfortunate in this kingdom not to have Greek types sufficient for such an undertaking[5]: forwant of which, I have been put to the necessity, in the word κὁρα, of writing analphafor anéta.
[5]Though it is no uncommon thing for a country printer to be without Greek types, this could scarcely be a serious complaint at Dublin in 1719.
[5]Though it is no uncommon thing for a country printer to be without Greek types, this could scarcely be a serious complaint at Dublin in 1719.
However, I believe it will not be amiss to bring some few testimonies, to show in what great esteem the art of punning was among the most refined wits at Rome, and that in the most polite ages, as will appear from the following quotations.
Quinctilian says[6], "Urbanitas est virtus quædam, in breve dictum, verum sensu duplici, coacta, et apta ad delectandos homines," &c. Thus translated, "Punning is a virtue, comprised in a short expression, with a double meaning, and fitted to delight the ladies."
[6]Institut. Orator. lib. vi. p. 265.
[6]Institut. Orator. lib. vi. p. 265.
Lucretius also,
Quò magìs æternum da dictis, Diva, leporem."Goddess, eternal puns on me bestow."
And elsewhere,
Omnia enim lepidi magìs admirantur, amántqueGermanis quæ sub verbis latitantia cernunt:Verbaque constituunt simili fucata sonore,Nec simili sensu, sed quæ mentita placerent."All men of mirth and sense admire and loveThose words which like twin-brothers doubtful prove;When the same sounds a different sense disguise,In being deceived the greatest pleasure lies."
Thus Claudian:
Vocibus alternant sensus, fraudisque jocosæ,Vim duplicem rident, lacrymosaque gaudia miscent."From word to word th' ambiguous sense is play'd;Laughing succeeds, and joyful tears are shed."
And Martial:
Sit mihi, Cinna, comes, salibus dictisque facetus,Qui sapit ambiguos fundere ab ore sonos."Cinna, give me the man, when all is done,That wisely knows to crack a jest and pun."
Petronius likewise will tell you,
Dicta, sales, risus, urbana crepundia vocum,Ingenii facilis quæ documenta dabunt."Jokes, repartees, and laugh, and pun polite,Are the true test to prove a man is right."
And Lucan:
Illi est imperium risus, qui fraude leporisAmbigua fallens, humeros quatit usque solutisNexibus, ac tremuli trepidant curvamina dorsi,Et jecur, et cordis fibras, et pandit anhelasPulmonis latebras—"He's king of mirth, that slightly cheats our senseWith pun ambiguous, pleasing in suspense;The shoulders lax become, the bending backUpheaved with laughter, makes our ribs to crack;E'en to the liver he can joys impart,And play upon the fibres of the heart;Open the chambers oflongues[7], and thereGive longer life in laughing, than in air."
[7]Potiuslungs, as a Dutch commentator would observe.
[7]Potiuslungs, as a Dutch commentator would observe.
But to come nearer home, and our own times; we know that France, in the late reign, was the seat of learning and policy; and what made it so, but the great encouragement the king gave punners above any other men: for it is too notorious, to quote any author for it, that Lewis le Grand gave a hundred pistoles for one single pun-motto, made upon an abbot, who died in a field, having a lily growing out of his a—:
"Habe mortem præ oculis.Abbé mort en prez au culiz."
Nor was his bounty less to Monsieur de Ferry de Lageltre the painter (though the pun and the picture turned against himself), who drew his majesty shooting, and at some distance from him another man aiming at the same fowl, who was withheld by a third person, pointing at the king, with these words from his mouth,
"Ne voyez vous le Roy tirant?"
Having now, from the best authorities, plainly proved the antiquity and excellence of the art ofpunning, nothing remains but to give some general directions as to the manner how this science is to be taught.
1. Let the husband teach his wife to read it.2. Let her be appointed to teach her children.3. Let the head servant of the family instruct all the rest, and that every morning before the master and mistress are up.4. The masters and misses are to repeat a rule every day, with the examples; and every visiting-day be brought up, to show the company what fine memories they have.5. They must go ten times through the book, before they be allowed to aim at a pun.6. They must every day of their lives repeat six synonymous words, or words like in sound, before they be allowed to sit down to dinner,— such asAssent, Ascent.A Lass, Alas.Bark, Barque.Alter, Altar.A Peer, Appear.Barbery, Barberrie.They are all to be found in metre, most laboriously compiled by the learned author of "The English School-master," printed anno 1641, London edit. p. 52.7. If any eldest son has not a capacity to attain to this science, let him be disinherited asnon-compos, and the estate given to the next hopeful child.
1. Let the husband teach his wife to read it.
2. Let her be appointed to teach her children.
3. Let the head servant of the family instruct all the rest, and that every morning before the master and mistress are up.
4. The masters and misses are to repeat a rule every day, with the examples; and every visiting-day be brought up, to show the company what fine memories they have.
5. They must go ten times through the book, before they be allowed to aim at a pun.
6. They must every day of their lives repeat six synonymous words, or words like in sound, before they be allowed to sit down to dinner,— such as
Assent, Ascent.A Lass, Alas.Bark, Barque.Alter, Altar.A Peer, Appear.Barbery, Barberrie.
They are all to be found in metre, most laboriously compiled by the learned author of "The English School-master," printed anno 1641, London edit. p. 52.
7. If any eldest son has not a capacity to attain to this science, let him be disinherited asnon-compos, and the estate given to the next hopeful child.
——Si quid novisti rectius istis,Candidus imperti: si non, his utere mecum[8]."If any man can better rules impart,I'll give him leave to do't with all my heart!"
[8]Hor. Ep. I. i. 67.
[8]Hor. Ep. I. i. 67.
APARAGRAPH OF THE FIRST PREFACETHAT WAS OMITTED,WHICH THE READER (ACCORDING TO HIS JUDGMENT ORDISCRETION) MAY INSERT WHERE HE PLEASES.
There is a remarkable passage in Petronius Arbiter, which plainly proves, by a royal example, that punning was a necessary ingredient to make an entertainment agreeable. The words are these: "Ingerebat nihilominus Trimalchio lentissima voce, Carpe. Ego, suspicatus ad aliquam urbanitatemtoties iteratam vocem pertinere, non erubui eum qui supra me accumbebat hoc ipsum interrogare. At ille qui sæpius ejusmodi ludos spectaverat, Vides, inquit, illum qui obsonium carpit, Carpus vocatur. Itaque quotiescunque dicit Carpe, eodem verbo et vocat et imperat." And it is further remarkable, that every day of his life he made the same pun at dinner and supper.
A SECOND PREFACE.
Lest my modesty should be called in question, for venturing to appear in print, in an age so famous for politeness and ingenuity, I think I am bound to say this in my own defence, that these few sheets were not designed to be made public, as being written for my own private use: but what will not the importunity of friends conquer? they were no sooner discovered in my study, but my merry friend George Rochfort, my learned acquaintance Patrick Delany, and my much honoured patron Jonathan Swift, all unanimously agreed, that I should do my own reputation and the world that justice, as to send "such a treasure of knowledge" (as they were pleased to express themselves) to the press. As for the work itself, I may venture to say, it is a work of time and experience, and entirely unattempted before. For which reason, I hope the candid reader will be favourable in his judgment upon it, and consider that all sciences intheir infancy have been weak and feeble. The next age may supply where I have been defective; and the next perhaps may produce a Sir Isaac in punning. We know that logicians first spun out reason in categories, predicaments, and enunciations; and at last they came to wind up their bottoms in syllogisms, which is the completing of that science.
The Chaldeans began the mathematics, in which the Egyptians flourished. Then these, crossing the sea by the means of Thales the Milesian, came into Greece, where they were improved very much by Pythagoras, Anaxagoras, and Œnopides of Chios. These were followed by Briso, Antipho, Hippocrates, &c. But the excellence of the algebraic art was begun by Geber, an Arabian astronomer (whence as is conceived the wordalgebratook its rise), and was much since improved by Cardanus, Tartaglia, Clavius, Stevinus, Ghetaldus, Herigenius, Fran. Van Schooten, Florida de Beaune, &c.
But to return to the Art of Punning again; the progress and improvement of which, I hope, will be equal to the sciences I have mentioned; or to any superior to them, if there be such: reader, I must trespass a little longer on your patience, and tell you an old maxim,Bonum quo communius, eo melius, "Good, the more common, the better it is." You see, I have in imitation of the industrious bee gathered my honey from various flowers; but yet I cannot say, without some diminution and loss to the persons from whom I have taken the examples to my rules, who are likely never to use their puns again.
And here to avoid the imputation of ingratitude, I must declare to the world, that my worthy friend Dr. R——, who is singularly remarkable for his unparalleled skill in punning, and a most industrious promoter of it, has been a very great instrument in bringing this work to light, as well by animating me to proceed in it, as by endeavouring to procure a good letter for the impression.
The favourable acceptance that my puns have met with in some private companies, makes me flatter myself, that my labours therein will be candidly accepted, as they have been cordially intended to serve my native country.
Tom Pun-sibi.From my Study, up one Pair ofStairs, ill-contrived Streetwards,August 9th, 1719.
THEART OF PUNNING.
"Punnata dicuntur, id ipsum, quod sunt, aliorum esse dicuntur, aut alio quovis modo ad aliud referuntur."
Puns, in their very nature and constitution, have a relation to something else; or, if they have not, any other reason why will serve as well.
The Physical Definition of Punning, according to Cardan.
Punning is an art of harmonious jingling upon words, which, passing in at the ears, and falling upon the diaphragma, excites a titillary motion in those parts; and this being conveyed by the animal spirits into the muscles of the face, raises the cockles of the heart.
The Moral Definition of Punning.
Punning is a virtue that most effectually promotes the end of good fellowship, which is laughing.
N.B. I design to make the most celebrated punners in these kingdoms examples to the following rules.
Rule1. The capital Rule. He that puns, must have a head for it; that is, he must be a man of letters, of a sprightly and fine imagination, whatever men may think of his judgment; like Dr. Swift[9], who said, when a lady threw down a Cremona-fiddle with a frisk of her mantua,
"Mantua væ miseræ nimium vicina Cremonæ!"
[9]In the early editions of the tract, this admirable pun is ascribed to Dr. Delany.
[9]In the early editions of the tract, this admirable pun is ascribed to Dr. Delany.
Or if you would have a more obvious reason, St. Dennis never made a pun after his head was cut off. Vid. Popish Legend, tom. lxxviii. p. 15,000.
R. 2. The rule of Forehead. He must have good assurance, like my Lord B——, who puns in all companies.
R. 3. The Brazen Rule. He must have better assurance, like Brigadier C——, who said, 'That, as he was passing through a street, he made to a country fellow who had a hare swinging on a stick over his shoulder, and, giving it a shake, asked him whether it was his ownhair, or a perriwig?' whereas it is a notorious Oxford jest.
R. 4. The Rule of Impudence. He must have the best assurance, like Dr. D——, who, although I had in three fair combats worsted him, yet had the impudence to challenge me a fourth time.
R. 5. Any person may pun upon another man's puns about half an hour after he has made them; as Dr. E—— and Mr. F—— frequently do.
I remember one day I was in company with them, and upon Major G—— saying, 'That he would leave me the gout for a legacy,' I made answer, and told the company,' I should be sorry to have such aleg as he.' They both snapped it up in their turns, and had as much applause for the pun as I had.
R. 6. The Rule of Pun upon Pun. All puns made upon the word pun are to be esteemed as so much old gold.Ex. gr.suppose two famous punsters should contend for the superiority, and a man should wittily say, 'That is aCarthaginianwar:'
Q. How, sir?A. Why, sir, it is aPun-ickwar.R. 7. The Socratic Rule is, to instruct others by way of question and answer.Q. Who was the first drawer?A.Potiphar.Q. Which is the seat of the spleen?A. Thehips.Q. Who were the first bakers?A. TheCrustumenians. (Masters of the Rolls, quoth Capt. Wolseley).Q. Where did the first hermaphrodites come from?A.Middle-sex.Q. What part of England has the mostdogs?A.Bark-shire.Q. From whence come the firsttumblers?A. FromSomerset.Q. Who were the firstmortgagers of land?A. The people ofCumber-land.Q. What men in the world are the bestsoldiers?A. Your red-haired men, because they always carry theirfire-locksupon their shoulders.Q. Why should a man in debt be calleda diver?A. Because he hasdippedover head and ears.Q. Why are ladies of late years well qualified for hunting?A. Because they come with ahoopand ahollow.Q. Why are the Presbyterians, Independents, &c. said to be vermin?A. Because they arein-sects.Q. Where were the firstbreechesmade?A. AtThy-atira.Q. Who were the firstgold-finders?A. TheTurditani.Q. What part of the world is best tofeed dogsin?A.Lap-land.Q. What prince in the world should have aboarfor his arms?A. The duke ofTusk-any.Q. Where do the bestcorn-cutterslive?A. AtLeg-horn.Q. Why are horses with grease in their heels the best racers?A. Because their heels are given torunning.Q. What is the reason that rats and mice are so much afraid of base violins and fiddles?A. Because they are strung withcat-gut.Q. If a lawyer is a whig, and pretends to be a Tory, orvice versa, why should his gown be stripped off?A. Because he is guilty ofsham-party.Q. How many animals are concerned in the formation of theEnglishtongue?A. According toBuck-anan, a great number; viz.cat-egorical,dog-matical,crow-nological,flea-botomy,fish-ognomy,squirril-ity,rat-ification,mouse-olæum,pus-illanimity,hare-editary,ass-tronomy,jay-ography,stag-yrite,duck-tility.Q. Where were the firsthamsmade?A. They were made in the temple ofJupiter Hammon, by theHamadryades; one of them (if we may depend uponBaker'sChronicle) was sent as a present to a gentleman inHam-shire, of the family of theHam-iltons, who immediately sent it toHam-ton-court, where it was hung up by a string in the hall, by way of rarity, whence we have the English phraseham-strung.
Q. How, sir?
A. Why, sir, it is aPun-ickwar.
R. 7. The Socratic Rule is, to instruct others by way of question and answer.
Q. Who was the first drawer?
A.Potiphar.
Q. Which is the seat of the spleen?
A. Thehips.
Q. Who were the first bakers?
A. TheCrustumenians. (Masters of the Rolls, quoth Capt. Wolseley).
Q. Where did the first hermaphrodites come from?
A.Middle-sex.
Q. What part of England has the mostdogs?
A.Bark-shire.
Q. From whence come the firsttumblers?
A. FromSomerset.
Q. Who were the firstmortgagers of land?
A. The people ofCumber-land.
Q. What men in the world are the bestsoldiers?
A. Your red-haired men, because they always carry theirfire-locksupon their shoulders.
Q. Why should a man in debt be calleda diver?
A. Because he hasdippedover head and ears.
Q. Why are ladies of late years well qualified for hunting?
A. Because they come with ahoopand ahollow.
Q. Why are the Presbyterians, Independents, &c. said to be vermin?
A. Because they arein-sects.
Q. Where were the firstbreechesmade?
A. AtThy-atira.
Q. Who were the firstgold-finders?
A. TheTurditani.
Q. What part of the world is best tofeed dogsin?
A.Lap-land.
Q. What prince in the world should have aboarfor his arms?
A. The duke ofTusk-any.
Q. Where do the bestcorn-cutterslive?
A. AtLeg-horn.
Q. Why are horses with grease in their heels the best racers?
A. Because their heels are given torunning.
Q. What is the reason that rats and mice are so much afraid of base violins and fiddles?
A. Because they are strung withcat-gut.
Q. If a lawyer is a whig, and pretends to be a Tory, orvice versa, why should his gown be stripped off?
A. Because he is guilty ofsham-party.
Q. How many animals are concerned in the formation of theEnglishtongue?
A. According toBuck-anan, a great number; viz.cat-egorical,dog-matical,crow-nological,flea-botomy,fish-ognomy,squirril-ity,rat-ification,mouse-olæum,pus-illanimity,hare-editary,ass-tronomy,jay-ography,stag-yrite,duck-tility.
Q. Where were the firsthamsmade?
A. They were made in the temple ofJupiter Hammon, by theHamadryades; one of them (if we may depend uponBaker'sChronicle) was sent as a present to a gentleman inHam-shire, of the family of theHam-iltons, who immediately sent it toHam-ton-court, where it was hung up by a string in the hall, by way of rarity, whence we have the English phraseham-strung.
Thus did great Socrates improve the mind,By questions useful since to all mankind;For, when the purblind soul no farther saw,Than length of nose, into dark Nature's law,His method clear'd up all, enlarged the sight,And so he taught his pupils withday-light.
R. 8. The Rule of Interruption. Although the company be engaged in a discourse of the most serious consequence, it is and may be lawful to interrupt them with a pun.Ex. gr.suppose them poring over a problem in mathematics, you may, without offence, ask them 'How gosquareswiththem?' You may say too, 'That, being too intent upon those figures, they are becomecycloeid, i. e.sickly-eyed; for which they are a pack ofloga-rithms, i. e.loggerheads.' Vide R. 34.
R. 9. The Rule of Risibility. A man must be the first that laughs at his own pun; asMartialadvises:
"Qui studet alterius risum captare lepore,Imprimis rictum contrahat ipse suum.""He that would move another man to laughter,Must first begin, and t'other soon comes after."
R. 10. The Rule of Retaliation obliges you, if a man makes fifty puns, to return all, or the most of them, in the same kind. As for instance: Sir W—— sent me a catalogue of Mrs. Prudence's scholars, and desired my advice as to the management of them:
Miss-Chief, the ringleader.Miss-Advice, that spoils her face with paint.Miss-Rule, that does every thing she is forbid.Miss-Application, who has not done one letter in her sampler.Miss-Belief, who cannot say the Creed yet.Miss-Call, a perfect Billingsgate.Miss-Fortune, that lost her grandmother's needle.Miss-Chance, that broke her leg by romping.Miss-Guide, that led the young misses into the dirt.Miss-Lay'd, who left her porringer of flour and milk where the cat got at it.Miss-Management, that let all her stockings run out at heels for want of darning.For which I sent the following masters:Master-Stroke, to whip them.Master-Workman, to dress them.Master-Ship, to rig them.Master-Lye, to excuse them.Master-Wort, to purge them.Master-Piece, to patch them.Master-Key, to lock them up.Master-Pock, to mortify them.
Miss-Chief, the ringleader.
Miss-Advice, that spoils her face with paint.
Miss-Rule, that does every thing she is forbid.
Miss-Application, who has not done one letter in her sampler.
Miss-Belief, who cannot say the Creed yet.
Miss-Call, a perfect Billingsgate.
Miss-Fortune, that lost her grandmother's needle.
Miss-Chance, that broke her leg by romping.
Miss-Guide, that led the young misses into the dirt.
Miss-Lay'd, who left her porringer of flour and milk where the cat got at it.
Miss-Management, that let all her stockings run out at heels for want of darning.
For which I sent the following masters:
Master-Stroke, to whip them.
Master-Workman, to dress them.
Master-Ship, to rig them.
Master-Lye, to excuse them.
Master-Wort, to purge them.
Master-Piece, to patch them.
Master-Key, to lock them up.
Master-Pock, to mortify them.
If these can't keep your ladies quiet,Pull down their courage with low diet.Perhaps, dear sir, you'll think it cruelTo feed them on plain water-gruel;But take my word, the best of breeding!As it is plain, requires plain feeding.Vide Roscommon.
R. 11. The Rule of Repetition: You must never let a pun be lost, but repeat and comment upon it till every one in the company both hears and understands it;ex. gr.Sir, I have good wine to give you; excellentpontack, which I got'pon tick; but, sir, we must have a littlepun-talkover it; you take me, sir, and you, and you too, madam.—There ispun-talkuponpontack, and'pon ticktoo, hey.
R. 12. The Elementary Rule. Keep to yourelements, whether you havefish,fowl, orflesh, for dinner: As for instance, Is not thisfishwhich Mr.Poolsent me,ex-streamsweet? I think it ismaingood, what say you? O' mysole, I never tasted better, and I think it ought to takeplaiceof any thatswims: though you maycarpat me for saying so, I can assure you that both Dr.Sprattand Dr.Whaleyare of my mind.—This is an excellentfowl, and a fit dish forhigh-flyers. Pray, sir, what is youro-pinionof thiswing? As for theleg, the cook ought to beclapper-clawedfor not roasting it enough. But, now I think of it, why should this be called the bird of Bacchus? A. Because it was dressed by your drunken cook. Not at all. You mistake the matter. Pray is it not agrape-lover; i. e.grey plover? Are you for anyof this mutton, Sir? If not, I can tell you, that you ought to belamb-asted; for you must know that I have the best in the country. Mysheepbear away thebell, and I can assure you that, allweathers, I can treat my friends with as goodmuttonas this: he that cannot make a meal of it, ought to have itram-meddown his throat.
R. 13. The Rule of Retrospection. By this you may recall a discourse that has been past two hours, and introduce it thus: 'Sir, as you were saying two hours ago—you bought those stockings in Wales; I believe it, for they seem to bewell-chose, i. e.Welsh-hose.'—'Sir, you were saying, if I mistake not, an hour or two ago, that soldiers have the speediest justice. I agree with you in that; for they are never withoutred-dress.'
R. 14. The Rule of Transition; which will serve to introduce any thing that has the most remote relation to the subject you are upon;ex. gr.If a man puns upon astable, you may pun upon acornfield, ameadow, ahorse-park, asmith'sorsadler's shop;ex. gr.One says, His horses are gone torack.' Then you answer, 'I would turn out the rascal that looks after them.Hay, sir, don't you think I am right? I wouldstrike while the iron is hot; andpummelthe dog to some purpose.'
R. 15. The Rule of Alienation; which obliges you, when people are disputing hotly upon a subject, to pitch upon that word which gives the greatest disturbance, and make a pun upon it. This has not only occasioned peace in private companies, but has put a stop to hot wranglings in parliaments and convocations, which otherwise would not so soon come to a resolution: for, as Horace says,Ridiculum acri, &c.; and very often it is found so. Sir —— —— once, in parliament, brought in a bill which wanted some amendment; which being denied him by the house, he frequently repeated, 'That he thirsted to mend his bill.' Upon which, a worthy member got up, and said, 'Mr. Speaker, I humbly move, since that memberthirstsso very much, that he may be allowed to mend hisdraught.' This put the house into such a good humour, that his petition was granted.
R. 16. The Rule of Analogy is, when two persons pun upon different subjects, after the same manner. Ay, says one, 'I went to myshoe-maker'sto-day for a pair ofshoeswhich I bespoke a month ago; and whenallcame toall, the dogbristlesup to me with a thousand excuses, that I thought there would never be anendof his discourse: but, upon my calling him a rascal, he began towaxwarm,and had the impudence to bid me tovampoff, for he had not leisure now to talk to me, because he was going to dinner: which vexed me indeed to the verysole. Upon this I jumped out of his shop in a great rage, and wished the next bit he eat might be hislast.' Says another, 'I went to atanner'sthat owed me some money; and (would you think it?) thepitifulfellow wasfleshedat it, insomuch that forsooth he could nothidehis resentment, but told me, that it was enough to set a manhornmad to bedunnedso early in a morning: and, as for his part, he wouldcurryfavour no longer with me, let me do my worst. Thus the unmannerly curbarkedat me, &c.'
R. 17. The Sophistical Rule is, fixing upon a man's saying which he never spoke, and making a pun upon it, as, 'Ay, sir, since you say he was born inBark-shire, I say he is ason of a bitch.'
R. 18. The Rule of Train, is a method of introducing puns which we have studied before;ex. gr.By talking ofTruelockthegun-smith, his very name will provoke some person in the company to pun. Then you proceed: 'Sir,I smell powder, but you are plaguy weak in yourmainspringfor punning; I would advise you to get a betterstock, before you pretend tolet off: though you maythink yourselfprimein this art, you are much mistaken, for a very young beginner may be amatchfor you. Ay, sir, you maycockand look big; but,u-panmy word, I take you to be no more than aflash; and Mrs. Skin-flint, my neighbour, shall pun with you for apistole, if I do notlose my aim, &c.'
R. 19. The Rule of Challenge. As for instance, when you have conned over in your mind a chain of puns, you surprise the best punner in company, after this manner: 'SayTan-pit, if you dare.'
R. 20. The Sanguine Rule allows you to swear a man out of his pun, and prove yourself the author of it; as Dr. S—served Capt. W—, who was told how aslater, working at his house, fell through all the rafters from top to bottom, and that upon this accident he said, 'He loved to see a mango cleverly through his work.' 'That is mine, by —,' said the Doctor.
R. 21. The Rule of Concatenation is making a string of puns as fast as you can, that nobody else can put in a word till you have exhausted the subject;ex. gr.There was oneJohn Appleby, agardener, fell in love with one Mrs.Curran, for hercherrycheeksand herlilywhite hand; and soon after he got her consent tograftupon herstock. Mr.Linkthe parson was sent for, who joined the lovingpairtogether; Mr.Rowintreeand Mr.Holy-oakwere bride-men. The company were, my ladyJoan Keel, whocame-a-mileon foot to compliment them; and her maidSally, remarkable for hercarrots, that rid upon achestnut. There was Dr.Burragetoo, a constantmedlarin other people's affairs. He was latelyim-peach'dfor murdering DonQuick-set. Mrs.Lettice Skirretand Mrs.Rose-merrywere the bride-maids; the latter sang a song to oblige the company, which an arch wag called a funeral dirge: but, notwithstanding this, our friendJohnbegan to thrive upon matrimony like atwig in a bush. I forgot to tell you, that the tailor had so muchcabbageout of the wedding suit, there was none at all for supper.
R. 22. The Rule of Inoculating is, when a person makes an excellent pun, and you immediately fix another upon it; as Dean Swift one day said to a gentleman, who had a very little bob wig, 'Sir, thedamof your wig is awhisker;' upon which I came in veryà propos, and said, 'Sir, that cannot be, for it is but anear-wig.'
R. 23. The Rule of Desertion allows you to bring a man into a pun, and leave him to work it out: as, suppose you should hear a man say thewordincomparable——Then you proceed,in-com-incom-par-par-rable-rable——So let the other make his best of it.
R. 24. The Salick Rule is, a pretence to a jumping of wits: that is, when a man has made a good pun, the other swears with a pun he was just coming out with it. One night, I remember, Mr.—— served Dr.—— so. The former saying over a bottle, 'Will, I am for my mistress here.' 'How so?' says Tom. 'Why, I am forWine-if-red.' 'By thiscrooked stick[10],' said Tom, 'I was coming out with it.'
[10]Cane-a-wry,i. e.Canary.
[10]Cane-a-wry,i. e.Canary.
R. 25. The Etymological Rule is, when a man hunts a pun through every letter and syllable of a word: as for example, I am asked, 'What is the best word to spend an evening with?' I answered, 'Potatos; for there ispo—pot—pota—potat—potato, and the reversesot-a-top.'
R. 26. The Rule of Mortification is, when a man having got the thanks and laugh of a company for a good pun, an enemy to the art swears he read it in "Cambridge Jests." This is such an inversion of it, that I think I may be allowed to make examples of these kind of people in verse:
Thus puppies, that adore the dark,Against bright Cynthia howl and bark;Although the regent of the night,Like us, is gay with borrow'd light.
R. 27. The Professionary Rule[11]is, to frame a story, and swear you were present at an event where every man talked in his own calling;ex. gr.Major—— swears he was present at the seizing of a pick-pocket by a great rabble in Smithfield; and that he heard
A Tailor say, 'Send the dog tohell.'The Cook, 'Let me be at him, I'llbastehim.'The Joiner, 'It isplainthe dog was caught in the fact; Isawhim.'The Blacksmith, 'He is a finesparkindeed!'The Butcher,'Knock downtheshamblingcur.'The Glazier, 'Make thelight shine through him.'The Bookseller, 'Bind himover.'The Sadler, 'Pummelhim.'The Farmer, 'Thrashthe dog.'A Popish Priest going by, 'I'll make theDevil fly out of him.'
A Tailor say, 'Send the dog tohell.'
The Cook, 'Let me be at him, I'llbastehim.'
The Joiner, 'It isplainthe dog was caught in the fact; Isawhim.'
The Blacksmith, 'He is a finesparkindeed!'
The Butcher,'Knock downtheshamblingcur.'
The Glazier, 'Make thelight shine through him.'
The Bookseller, 'Bind himover.'
The Sadler, 'Pummelhim.'
The Farmer, 'Thrashthe dog.'
A Popish Priest going by, 'I'll make theDevil fly out of him.'
[11]An improvement on this rule was adopted by Dr. Swift, in his "Full and True Account of Wood's Procession to the Gallows."
[11]An improvement on this rule was adopted by Dr. Swift, in his "Full and True Account of Wood's Procession to the Gallows."
R. 28. The Brazen-head Rule is, when a punster stands his ground against a whole company, though there is not one to side with him, to the utter destruction of all conversation but his own. As for instance—says one, 'I hate apun.'—Then he, 'When apun is meant, is it apunishment?'—'Deuce take your quibbling!'—'Sir, I will not bate you anace,cinqueme if I do; and I'll make you know that I am asiceabove you.'—'This fellow cannot talk out of hiselement.'—'To divert you wasall I meant.'
R. 29. The Hypothetic Rule is, when you suppose things hardly consistent to be united, for the sake of a pun: as for instance—suppose a person in the pillory had received a full discharge of eggs upon every part of his face but the handle of it; why should he make the longest verses in the world? Ans.Versos Alexandrinos,i. e.All-eggs-and-dry-nose.
R. 30. The Rule of Naturalization is, that punning is free of all languages: as for the LatinRomanosyou may say 'Roman nose'—Temeraria, 'Tom, where are you?'—Oxoniæ prospectus, 'Pox on you, pray speak to us. For the Frenchquelquechose, you may say in English 'kick shoes.' When one says of a thief, 'I wish he was transported;' answer, 'he is alreadyfurenough.' Dr. Swift made an excellent advantage of this rule one night: when a certain peevish gentleman in his company had lost hisspectacles, he bid him 'have a good heart, for, if it continued raining all night, he would find them in the morning.'—'Pray, how so?'—'Why, sir,
'Nocte pluit tota, redeuntspectaculamanè.'
R. 31. The Rule of Random. When a man speaks any thing that comes uppermost, and some good pun-finder discovers what he never meant in it, then he is to say, 'You have hit it!' As Major Grimes did: complaining that he staid at home by reason of an issue in a leg, which was just beginning to run, he was answered by Mr.—, 'I wonder that you should be confined who have such running legs.' The Major replied, 'You have hit it; for I meantthat.'
R. 32. The Rule of Scandal. Never to speak well of another punster;ex. gr.'Who, he! Lord, sir, he has not sense enough to play at crambo;' or 'He does not know the meaning of synonymouswords;' or, 'He never rose so high as a conundrum or a carrywhichit.'
R. 33. The Rule of Catch is, when you hear a man conning a pun softly to himself, to whip it out of his mouth, and pass it upon the company for your own: as for instance; mustard happened to be mentioned in company where I was, and a gentleman with his eyes fixed upon the ceiling, was atMus—mus, sinapi—sinapi—snap eye—bite nose;—One in the company, over-hearing him,bithim, andsnappedit up, and said, 'Mustard is the stoutest seed in the world, for it takes the greatest man by thenose.'
R. 34. The Golden Rule allows you to change one syllable for another; by this, you may either lop off, insert, or add to a word;ex. gr.
For Church—Kirk.For Bangor—Clangor.For Presbyter—Has-biter.
This rule is of such consequence, that a man was once tried for his life by it. The case was thus: A certain man was brought before a judge of assize for murder: his lordship asked his name, and being answeredSpillman, the judge said, 'Take awaySp, and his name isIll-man; putKto it, and it isKillman: away with him, gaoler; his very namehas hanged him[12].' This 34th rule, on this occasion, became a rule of court, and was so well liked, that a justice of peace, who shall be nameless, applied every tittle of it to a man brought to him upon the same account, after this manner: 'Come, sir, I conjure you, as I am one of his majesty's justices of the peace, to tell me your name.'—'My name, an't please you, isWatson.'—'O ho, sir!Watson! mighty well! Take awaySpfrom it, and it isIll-man, and putKto it, and it isKill-man: away with him, constable, his very name will hang him.'
[12]A presbyterian preacher of the last age chose to exemplify the Golden Rule, by dissecting the name of the great enemy of mankind: 'Take away D, and it isEvil, take away the E, and it isVile, take away the V, and it isIll—Ill, Vile, Evil, Devil.'
[12]A presbyterian preacher of the last age chose to exemplify the Golden Rule, by dissecting the name of the great enemy of mankind: 'Take away D, and it isEvil, take away the E, and it isVile, take away the V, and it isIll—Ill, Vile, Evil, Devil.'
Let us now consider a new case; as for instance, 'The church of England, as by law established.' Put aTbefore it, and it isTest-ablished: take away theTestand put ino, and it isAbolished.
Blank Page
How much was Tom Gordon, the late ingenious author of Parson Alberoni, obliged to it, in that very natural story which he framed concerning the preacher, where he tells you, one of the congregation calledthe minister anHumbassandorfor an Ambassador[13].
[13]The story here alluded to is told in a pamphlet, entitled, 'A modest Apology for Parson Alberoni, Governor to King Philip, a Minor, and universal Curate of the whole Spanish Monarchy, &c. by Thomas Gordon, Esq. 1719,' and is as follows: 'There is, in a certain diocese in this nation, a living worth about six hundred pounds a-year. This, and two or three more preferments, maintain the doctor in becoming ease and corpulency. He keeps a chariot in town, and a journeyman in the country; his curate and his coach-horses are his equal drudges, saving that the four-legged cattle are better fed, and have sleeker cassocks, than his spiritual dray-horse. The doctor goes down once a-year, to shear his flock and fill his pockets, or, in other words, to receive the wages of his embassy; and then, sometimes in an afternoon, if his belly do not happen to be too full, he vouchsafes to mount the pulpit, and to instruct his people in the greatness of his character and dullness. This composes the whole parish to rest; but the doctor one day denouncing himselfthe Lord's Ambassadorwith greater fire and loudness than could have been reasonably expected from him, it roused a clown of the congregation, who waked his next neighbour with, 'Dost hear, Tom, dost hear?'—'Ay,' says Tom, yawning, 'what does he say?'—'Say?' answered the other, 'he says a plaguy lie, to be sure; he says as how he is my Lord'sHumbassandor, but I think he is more rather the Lord's Receiver-General, for he never comes but to take money.' Six hundred pounds a-year is, modestly speaking, a competent fee for lulling the largest congregation in England asleep once in a twelvemonth. Such tithes are the price of napping; and such mighty odds are there between a curtain lecture and a cushion lecture.' See the collection of Tracts by Gordon and Trenchard, vol. i. p. 130.
[13]The story here alluded to is told in a pamphlet, entitled, 'A modest Apology for Parson Alberoni, Governor to King Philip, a Minor, and universal Curate of the whole Spanish Monarchy, &c. by Thomas Gordon, Esq. 1719,' and is as follows: 'There is, in a certain diocese in this nation, a living worth about six hundred pounds a-year. This, and two or three more preferments, maintain the doctor in becoming ease and corpulency. He keeps a chariot in town, and a journeyman in the country; his curate and his coach-horses are his equal drudges, saving that the four-legged cattle are better fed, and have sleeker cassocks, than his spiritual dray-horse. The doctor goes down once a-year, to shear his flock and fill his pockets, or, in other words, to receive the wages of his embassy; and then, sometimes in an afternoon, if his belly do not happen to be too full, he vouchsafes to mount the pulpit, and to instruct his people in the greatness of his character and dullness. This composes the whole parish to rest; but the doctor one day denouncing himselfthe Lord's Ambassadorwith greater fire and loudness than could have been reasonably expected from him, it roused a clown of the congregation, who waked his next neighbour with, 'Dost hear, Tom, dost hear?'—'Ay,' says Tom, yawning, 'what does he say?'—'Say?' answered the other, 'he says a plaguy lie, to be sure; he says as how he is my Lord'sHumbassandor, but I think he is more rather the Lord's Receiver-General, for he never comes but to take money.' Six hundred pounds a-year is, modestly speaking, a competent fee for lulling the largest congregation in England asleep once in a twelvemonth. Such tithes are the price of napping; and such mighty odds are there between a curtain lecture and a cushion lecture.' See the collection of Tracts by Gordon and Trenchard, vol. i. p. 130.
Give me leave, courteous reader, to recommend to your perusal and practice this most excellentrule, which is of such universal use and advantage to the learned world, that the most valuable discoveries, both as to antiquities and etymologies, are made by it; nay, further, I will venture to say, that all words which are introduced to enrich and make a language copious, beautiful, and harmonious, arise chiefly from this rule. Let any man but consult Bentley's Horace, and he will see what useful discoveries that very learned gentleman has made by the help of this rule; or, indeed, poor Horace would have lain under the eternal reproach of making 'afoxeatoats,' had not the learned doctor, with great judgment and penetration, found outnitedulato be a blunder of the librarians forvulpecula; whichnitedula, the doctor says, signifies agrass-mouse, and this clears up the whole matter, because it makes the story hang well together: for all the world knows, that weazles have a most tender regard and affection to grass mice, whereas they hate foxes as they do fire-brands. In short, all various lections are to be attributed to this rule: so are all the Greek dialects; or Homer wouldhave wanted the sonorous beauty of his oio's. But the greatest and best masters of this rule, without dispute, were the Dorians, who made nothing of sayingtinforsoie,tenosforekeinos,surisdomesforsurizomen, &c. From this too we have ourquasisin Lexicons. Was it not, by rule the 34th, that the Samaritan, Chaldee, Æthiopic, Syriac, Arabic, and Persian languages were formed from the original Hebrew? for which I appeal to the Polyglot. And among our modern languages, are not the Italian, Spanish, Portuguese, and French, derived and formed from the Latin by the same power? How much poets have been obliged to it, we need no further proof than the figuresprothesis,epenthesis,apocope,paragoge, andellipsis. Trimming and fitting of words to make them more agreeable to our ears, Dionysius Halicarnassensis has taken notice of, in his book 'De Compositione Vocum,' where he pleasantly compares your polite reformers of words to masons with hammers, who break off rugged corners of stones, that they may become more even and firm in their places.
But after all, give me leave to lament, that I cannot have the honour of being the sole inventor of this incomparable rule: though I solemnly protest, upon the word of an author (if an author mayhave credit), that I never had the least hint toward it, any more than the ladies' letters and young children's pronunciation, till a year after I had proposed this rule to Dr.——, who was an excellent judge of the advantage it might be to the public; when, to my great surprise, tumbling over the third tome of Alstedius, p. 71, right loth to believe my eyes, I met with the following passage: "Ambigua multam faciunt ad hanc rem, oujusmodi exempla plurima reperiuntur apud Plautum, qui in ambiguis crebro ludit. Joci captantur ex permutatione syllabarum et vocum, ut proDecretum,Discretum; proMedicus,Mendicus etMerdicus: pro Polycarpus, Polyeopros. Item ex syllabarum ellipsi, ut ait Althusisus, cap. iii. civil. convers. pro Casimirus,J'rus; pro Marcus,Arcus; pro Vinosus,Osus; pro Sacerdotium,Otium. Sic, additione literæ, pro Urbanus,Turbanus:" which exactly corresponded to every branch and circumstance of my rule. Then, indeed, I could not avoid breaking out into the following exclamations, and that after a most pathetic manner: "Wretched Tom Pun-Sibi! Wretched indeed! Are all thy nocturnal lucubrations come to this? Must another, for being a hundred years before thee in the world, run away with the glory of thy own invention? It is true, hemust. Happy Alstedius! who, I thought, would have stood me inall-stead, upon consulting thy method of joking!All's tediousto me now, since thou hast robbed me of that honour which would have set me above all writers of the present age. And why not, happy Tom Pun-Sibi? did we not jump together like true wits? But, alas! thou art on the safest side of the bush; my credit being liable to the suspicion of the world, because you wrote before me. Ill-natured critics, in spite of all my protestations, will condemn me, right or wrong, for a plagiary. Henceforward never write any thing of thy own; but pillage and trespass upon all that ever wrote before thee: search among dust and moths for things new to the learned. Farewell, study; from this moment I abandon thee: for, wherever I can get a paragraph upon any subject whatsoever ready done to my hand, my head shall have no further trouble than see it fairly transcribed!"—And this method, I hope, will help me to swell out the Second Part of this work.