THE END OF THE FIRST PART.
TOM PUN-SIBI;OR,THE GIBER GIB'D[14].
Mirandi novitate movebere mostri.—Ovid.
[14]The Art of Punning was originally printed at Dublin in 1719, immediately reprinted in London, and then pretty generally ascribed to Dr. Swift. It appears, however, that in this instance the Dean was only an assistant; the piece having been written by Dr. Sheridan, and corrected and improved by Dr. Swift, Dr. Delany, and Mr. Rochfort. Although it does not seem calculated to give offence to any one, it however called forth the above Satire from the pen of Dr. Tisdal.
[14]The Art of Punning was originally printed at Dublin in 1719, immediately reprinted in London, and then pretty generally ascribed to Dr. Swift. It appears, however, that in this instance the Dean was only an assistant; the piece having been written by Dr. Sheridan, and corrected and improved by Dr. Swift, Dr. Delany, and Mr. Rochfort. Although it does not seem calculated to give offence to any one, it however called forth the above Satire from the pen of Dr. Tisdal.
Tom was a little merry grig,Fiddled and danced to his own jig;Good-natured, but a little silly;Irresolute, and shally-shilly:What he should do, he cou'dn't guess.Swift used him like a man at chess;He told him once that he had wit,But was in jest, and Tom was bit.Thought himself second son of Phœbus,For ballad, pun, lampoon, and rebus.He took a draught of Helicon,But swallowed so much water down,He got a dropsy; now they say, 'tisTurn'd to poetic diabetes;For all the liquor he has pass'd,Is without spirit, salt, or taste:But, since it pass'd, Tom thought it wit,And so he writ, and writ, and writ:He writ the famous Punning Art,The Benefit of p—s and f—t;He writ the Wonder of all Wonders;He writ the Blunder of all Blunders;He writ a merry farce or poppet,Taught actors how to squeak and hop it;A treatise on the Wooden-man[15],A ballad on the nose of Dan;The art of making April fools,The four-and-thirty quibbling rules.The learned say, that Tom went snacksWith Philomaths, for almanacks;Though they divided are, for some say,He writ for Whaley, some for Cumpstey[16].Hundreds there are, who will make oath,That he writ almanacks for both;And, though they made the calculations,Tom writ the monthly observations!Such were his writings, but his chatterWas one continual clitter-clatter.Swift slit his tongue, and made it talk,Cry, 'Cup o' sack,' and 'Walk, knave, walk!'And fitted little prating PallFor wire-cage, in Common-Hall;Made him expert at quibble-jargon,And quaint at selling of a bargain.Pall, he could talk in different linguos,But he could not be taught distinguos:Swift tried in vain, and angry thereat,Into a spaniel turn'd the parrot;Made him to walk on his hind-legs,He dances, fawns, and paws, and begs;Then cuts a caper o'er a stick[17],Lies close, does whine, and creep, and lick:Swift put a bit upon his snout,Poor Tom! he daren't look about;But when that Swift does give the word,He snaps it up, though 'twere a t—.Swift strokes his back, and gives him victual,And then he makes him lick his spittle.Sometimes he takes him on his lap,And makes him grin, and snarl, and snap.He sets the little cur at me;Kick'd, he leapt upon his knee;I took him by the neck to shake him,And made him void hisalbum Græcum.'Turn out the stinking cur, pox take him!'Quoth Swift: though Swift could sooner want anyThing in the world, than a Tanta-ny,And thus not only makes his grigA parrot, spaniel, but his pig.
[15]The wooden-man was a famed door-post in Dublin.
[15]The wooden-man was a famed door-post in Dublin.
[16]Famous Irish almanack makers.
[16]Famous Irish almanack makers.
[17]This was literally true between Swift and Sheridan.
[17]This was literally true between Swift and Sheridan.
ADVERTISEMENT.
The Second Part of this Work will be published with all convenient expedition: to which will be added, A small Treatise ofConundrums,Carriwhichits, andLong-petites; together with theWinter-fire'sDiversion; The Art of makingRebuses; The Antiquity ofHoop-petticoatsproved from Adam's two Daughters, Calmana and Delbora, &c. &c.&c.
APUNNING LETTERTO THEEARL OF PEMBROKE,
PRETENDED TO BE THE DYING SPEECH OF TOM ASHE,WHOSE BROTHER, THE REVEREND DILLON ASHE, WASNICK-NAMED DILLY.
Tom Ashe died last night. It is conceived he was so puffed up by my lord lieutenant'sfavour, that it struck him into afever. I here send you his dying speech, as it was exactly taken by a friend in short-hand. It is something long, and a little incoherent; but he was several hours delivering it, and with several intervals. His friends were about the bed, and he spoke to them thus:
My Friends,
It is time for a man to lookgrave, when he has one foot there. I once had only apunnic fear of death; but of late I havepundred it more seriously. Every fit ofcoughinghath put me in mind of mycoffin; thoughdissolutemen seldomest think ofdissolution. This is a very great alteration: I, that supported myself with goodwine, must now be myself supported by asmall bier. A fortune-teller once looked on my hand, and said, 'This man is to be a great traveller; he will soon be at theDietofWorms, and from thence go toRatisbone.' But now I understand his double meaning. I desire to be privatelyburied, for I think a public funeral looks likeBuryfair; and theritesof the dead too often provewrongto the living. Methinks the word itself best expresses the number, neitherfew nor all. A dying man should not think ofobsequies, butob se quies. Little did I think you would so soon see poorTom stownunder atomb stone. But as themolecrumbles themouldabout her, so a man of smallmould, before I amold, maymoulderaway. Sometimes I'verav'dthat I shouldrevive; but physicians tell me, that, when once the greatarteryhas drawn theheart awry, we shall find thecor di all, in spite of all the highestcordial. Brother, you are fond ofDaffy'selixir: but, when death comes, the world will see that, in spite ofDaffy down Dilly, whatever doctorsmay designby theirmedicines, a man in adropsy drops henot, in spite of Goddard'sdrops, though none are reckoned suchhigh drops?—I find death smells the blood of an Englishman: afeefaintlyfumbled out will be a weak defence against hisfee-fa-fum.—$1.$2.are no letters in death'salphabet; he has nothalf a bitof either: he moves hisscythe, but will not be moved by all oursighs. Every thing ought to put us in mind of death. Physicians affirm, that our very food breeds it in us; so that in ourdieting, we may be said todi eating. There is something ominous, not only in the names of diseases, asdi-arrhœa,di-abetes,di-sentery, but even in the drugs designed to preserve our lives; asdi-acodium,di-apente,di-ascordium. I perceive Dr.Howard(and I feelhow hard)lay thumbon mypulse, thenpullsit back, as if he sawlethumin my face. I see as bad in his; for sure there is nophysiclike asick phiz. He thinks I shalldeceasebefore theday cease; but, before I die, before the bell hathtoll'd, andTom Tollmanistoldthat littleTom, though notold, has paid nature'stoll, I do desire to give some advice to those that survive me. First, let gamesters consider that death ishazardandpassage, upon the turn of adie. Let lawyers consider it as a hardcase. And let punners consider how hard it is todie jesting, when death is so hard indigesting.
As for my lord-lieutenant the Earl ofMungomerry, I am sure hebe-walesmy misfortune; and it would move him to stand by, when the carpenter (while my friends grieve and make anodd splutter)nailsup my coffin. I will make a shortaffidavi-t, that, if he makes myepitaph, I will take it for a great honour; and it is a plentiful subject. His excellency may say, that the art of punning is dead withTom.Tomhas taken all puns away with him.Omne tulit pun-Tom.——May his excellency longlive tenantto the queen inIreland. We neverHerberdso good a governor before. Sure hemun-go-merryhome, that has made a kingdom so happy. I hear, my friends design to publish a collection of my puns. Now I do confess, I have let many apun go, which did neverpungo; therefore the world must read the bad as well as the good. Virgil has long foretold it:Punica mala leges.——I have had several forebodings that I should soon die: I have of late been often at committees, where I have sat dedieindiem.——I conversed much with theusherof theblack rod: I saw hismedals; and woe isme dullsoul, not to consider they are but dead men's facesstampt overandoverby the living, which will shortly be my condition.
Tell SirAnthony Fountain, Iranclear to thebottom, and wish he may be a latea riverwhere I am going. He used tobrookcompliments. May hissandbe long arunning; notquick sandlike mine! Bid him avoidporingupon monuments and books; which is in reality butrunningamongrocksandshelves, tostophiscourse. May hiswatersnever betroubledwithmudorgravel, norstoptby anygrinding stone! May his friends be all truetrouts, and his enemies laid as flat asflounders! I look upon him as the mostfluentof hisrace; therefore let him notdespond. I foresee his blackrodwill advance to apike, and destroy all ourills.
But I am going; mywind inlungs is turning to awindingsheet. The thoughts ofa pallbegin toa pallme. Life is but avapour, car elleva pourla moindre cause. Farewell: I have lived ad amicorumfastidium, and now behold howfast I dium!
Here his breath failed him, and he expired. There are some false spellings here and there; but they must be pardoned in a dying man.
ALETTERGIVING AN ACCOUNT OFA PESTILENT NEIGHBOUR.
Sir,
You must give me leave to complain of apestilentfellow in my neighbourhood, who is always beatingmortar; yet I cannot find he ever builds. In talking, he useth such hard words, that I want a Drugger-man to interpret them. But all is not gold thatglisters.A pot he carriesto most houses where he visits. He makes his prentice hisgallyslave. I wish our lane werepurgedof him. Yet he pretends to be acordialman. Everyspringhis shop is crowded with country-folks, who, by theirleaves, in my opinion, help him to do a great deal of mischief. He is full ofscruples; and so very litigious, that hefiles billsagainst all his acquaintance: and, though he be much troubled with thesimples, yet I assure you he is aJesuitical dog; as you may know by hisbark. Of all poetry he loves thedram-a-tick. I am,&c.
APUNNING EPISTLE ON MONEY.
Worthy Mr.Pennyfeather,
Madam Johnson has been very ill-used by her servants; they putshillingsinto her broth instead ofgroats, which made her stamp. I hear they had them from oneTom Ducket, a tenant to MajorNoble, who I am told is reduced tonine-pence. We are doubting whether we shall dine at theCrownor theAngel. HonestMark Cob, who has been muchmoydoredof late, will dine with us, but 'SquireManypennyand CaptainSterlingdesire to be excused, for they are engaged with NedSilverto dine inChange-alley. They live in great har-mony; they met altogether last week, and sate as loving as horses in apound. I suppose you have heard of therhino-ceros lately arrived here. A captain wascash-iered on Wednesday. A scavenger abused me this morning, but I made him down with his dust, which indeed was afar-thingfrom my intentions. Mrs. Brent had api-stolefrom her; I would a'ginny'ea good deal for such another. Mrs.Dingleyhas made asousefor your collard-eel. AldermanCoynpresents his service to you. I have nothing buthalf-pensto write with, so that you must excuse this scrawl. One of my seals fell into achink. I am, without alloy,
Your most obedient,TOM MITE.
P.S. Mr.Colepresents his service to you, of which I am a-tester.
GOD'S REVENGE AGAINST PUNNING,BY DR. ARBUTHNOT;
SHOWING THE MISERABLE FATES OF PERSONS ADDICTEDTO THIS CRYING SIN IN COURT AND TOWN.
Manifold have been the judgments which Heaven, from time to time, for the chastisement of a sinful people, has inflicted on whole nations. For when the degeneracy becomes common, 'tis but just the punishment should be general: Of this kind, in our own unfortunate country, was that destructive pestilence, whose mortality was so fatal, as to sweepaway, if Sir William Petty may be believed, five millions of Christian souls, besides women and Jews.
Such also was that dreadful conflagration ensuing, in this famous metropolis of London, which consumed, according to the computation of Sir Samuel Morland, 100,000 houses, not to mention churches and stables.
Scarce had this unhappy nation recovered these funest disasters, when the abomination of playhouses rose up in this land: from hence hath an inundation of obscenity flowed from the court and overspread the kingdom. Even infants disfigured the walls of holy temples with exorbitant representations of the members of generation: nay, no sooner had they learnt to spell, but they had wickedness enough to write the names thereof in large capitals: an enormity observed by travellers to be found in no country but England.
But when whoring and popery were driven hence by the happy Revolution, still the nation so greatly offended, that Socinianism, Arianism, and Whistonism triumphed in our streets, and were in a manner become universal.
And yet still, after all these visitations, it has pleased Heaven to visit us with a contagion moreepidemical, and of consequence more fatal: this was foretold to us, first, by that unparalleled eclipse in 1714; secondly, by the dreadful coruscation in the air this present year; and, thirdly, by the nine comets seen at once over Soho-square, by Mrs. Katherine Wadlington, and others: a contagion that first crept in among the first quality, descended to their footmen, and infused itself into their ladies—I mean the woeful practice of PUNNING. This does occasion the corruption of our language, and therein of the word of God translated into our language, which certainly every sober Christian must tremble at.
Now such is the enormity of this abomination, that our very nobles not only commit punning over tea, and in taverns, but even on the Lord's day, and in the king's chapel: therefore, to deter men from this evil practice, I shall give some true and dreadful examples of God's revenge against punsters.
The Right Honourable——(but it is not safe to insert the name of an eminent nobleman in this paper, yet I will venture to say that such a one has beenseen; which is all we can say, considering the largeness of his sleeves)—This young nobleman was not only a flagitious punster himself, but wasaccessary to the punning of others, by consent, by provocation, by connivance, and by defence of the evil committed; for which the Lord mercifully spared his neck, but as a mark of reprobationwryed his nose.
Another nobleman of great hopes, no less guilty of the same crime, was made the punisher of himself with his own hand, in the loss of 500 pounds at box and dice; whereby this unfortunate young gentleman incurred the heavy displeasure of his aged grandmother.
A third of no less illustrious extraction, for the same vice, was permitted to fall into the arms of aDalilah, who may one day cut off his curious hair, and deliver him up to thePhilistines.
Colonel F——, an ancient gentleman of grave deportment, gave into this sin so early in his youth, that whenever his tongue endeavours to speak common sense, he hesitates so as not to be understood.
Thomas Pickle, gentleman, for the same crime, banished to Minorca.
Muley Hamet, from a wealthy and hopeful officer in the army, turned a miserable invalid at Tilbury-Fort.
——Eustace, Esq. for the murder of much of the King's English in Ireland, is quite deprived of his reason, and now remains a lively instance of emptiness and vivacity.
Poor Daniel Button, for the same offence, deprived of his wits.
One Samuel, an Irishman, for his forward attempt to pun, was stunted in his stature, and hath been visited all his life after with bulls and blunders.
George Simmons, shoemaker at Turnstile in Holborn, was so given to this custom, and did it with so much success, that his neighbours gave out he was a wit. Which report coming among his creditors, nobody would trust him; so that he is now a bankrupt, and his family in a miserable condition.
Divers eminent clergymen of the university of Cambridge, for having propagated this vice, became great drunkards and Tories.
From which calamities, the Lord in his mercy defend us all, &c.&c.
THE BIRTH OF A PUN[18].
When Adam and Eve, as the saints all believe,From the garden of Eden were driven;They put up a prayer to king Joe in his chair,That a boon he would grant them from heaven.'Twas in vain that old Jove 'gainst their petition strove,Madame Juno determined to grappleHis arguments keen; said the thunderer's queen,"Where's the sin, pray, of stealing an apple?Send Momus, I beg, let him carry an egg,To earth's now disconsolate son;And bid Mistress Eve, that no longer she grieve,For the gods have enclosed them aPun."Now downward the sprite on the earth did alight,And cracking the shell on the floor,Gave birth to a Pun, full of humour and fun,And sadness they never knew more.
[18]ANTIQUITY OF PUNS AND ENIGMAS,
[18]ANTIQUITY OF PUNS AND ENIGMAS,
By the learned Author of Hermes.
On the subject of puns the late learned author ofHermesand Philological Inquiries has the following remarks and extracts:
APunseldom regardsMEANING, being chiefly confined toSOUND.
Horacegives a sad example of thisspuriouswit, where (asDrydenhumorously translates it) he makesPersiusthe buffoon exhort the patriotBrutusto kill Mr.King, that is,Rupilius Rex, becauseBrutus, when he slewCæsar, had been accustomed toKING-KILLING.
HuncRegemoccide; operumHoc mihi crede tuorum est.
We have a worse attempt inHomer, whereUlyssesmakesPolyphemebelieve his name was ΟΤΤΙΣ, and where the dullCyclops, after he had lost his eye, upon being asked by his brethren who had done so much mischief, replies, 'twas done by ΟΤΤΙΣ, that is, byNOBODY.
Enigmasare of a more complicated nature, being involved either inpunormetaphor, or sometimes in both.
Ἁνδῥ ἑιδον ωυÏá¼± χαλκá½Î½ ἑπ' ἱνἑÏι κολλἡσαντα
I saw a man, who, unprovoked with ire,Stuck brass upon another's back by fire.
ThisEnigmais ingenious, and means theoperation of cupping, performed in ancient days by a machine ofbrass.
In such fancies, contrary to the principles of goodmetaphorand good writing, aperplexityis caused,not by accident, butby design, andthe pleasurelies in the being ableto resolve it.
THE ENGLISH CELEBRATED FORPUNNING ON NAMES.
The English are noted for punning on people's names, in allusion to their talent or profession.—Grimaldi was called, from his "grim faces,"Grim-all-day; Macready, from his quick study, "Make ready;" Young, from his youthful appearance, "theyoungactor;" Kean, from his new readings, "thekeenactor;" Sinclair, from his beautiful voice, "Mr.Sing clear;" Miss Tree, the lovely vocalist, "the Mystery," &c. &c. &c.: innumerable are the instances in thepoliticalworld, butquant. suff.Perhaps one of the most laughable of the present day is the pun upon Mr. Thomas Bish, the stockbroker's name; he was then at the head of one of the most respectable tea-dealing establishments in London. His friends sunk his Christian name, excepting the first letter, and jocosely called him Mr.TeaBish: perhaps the joke was borrowed from an epigram on Mr. Twining, the tea-dealer, viz.
"How curiously names with professions agree,For Twining would bewining, dispossess'd of his T.
But we shall favour the reader with a few of the best modern examples.
OF PUNNING ON SURNAMES.
Men once were surnamed from their shape or estate,(You all may from history worm it:)There was Lewis the Bulky, and Henry the Great,John Lackland, and Peter the Hermit.But now, when the door-plates of misters and damesAre read, each so constantly variesFrom the owner's trade, figure, and calling, surnamesSeem given by the rule of contraries.Mr. Fox, though provoked, never doubles his fist,Mr. Burns in his grate has no fuel,Mr. Playfair won't catch me at hazard or whist,Mr. Coward was wing'd in a duel.Mr. Wise is a dunce, Mr. King is a Whig,Mr. Coffin's uncommonly sprightly,And huge Mr. Little broke down in a gigWhile driving fat Mrs. Golightly.Mrs. Drinkwater's apt to indulge in a dram,Mrs. Angel's an absolute fury,And meek Mr. Lyon let fierce Mr. LambTweak his nose in the lobby of Drury.At Bath, where the feeble go more than the stout,(A conduct well worthy of Nero,)Over poor Mr. Lightfoot, confined with the gout,Mr. Heaviside danced a Bolero.Miss Joy, wretched maid, when she chose Mr. Love,Found nothing but sorrow await her:She now holds in wedlock, as true as a dove,That fondest of mates, Mr. Hayter.Mr. Oldcastle dwells in a modern-built hut,Miss Sage is of madcaps the archest;Of all the queer bachelors Cupid e'er cut,Old Mr. Younghusband's the starchest.Mr. Child, in a passion, knock'd down Mr. Rock,Mr. Stone like an aspen-leaf shivers,Miss Poole used to dance, but she stands like a stockEver since she became Mrs. Rivers.Mr. Swift hobbles onward, no mortal knows how,He moves as though cords had entwined him;Mr. Metcalfe ran off, upon meeting a cow,With pale Mr. Turnbull behind him.Mr. Barker's as mute as a fish in the sea,Mr. Miles never moves on a journey,Mr. Gotobed sits up till half-after-three,Mr. Makepiece was bred an attorney.Mr. Gardner can't tell a flower from a root,Mr. Wilde with timidity draws back;Mr. Ryder performs all his journeys on foot,Mr. Foote all his journeys on horseback.Mr. Penny, whose father was rolling in wealth,Kick'd down all the fortune his dad won,Large Mr. Le Fever's the picture of health,Mr. Goodenough is but a bad one.Mr. Cruickshank stept into three thousand a-yearBy showing his leg to an heiress:—Now I hope you'll acknowledge I've made it quite clearSurnames ever go by contraries.New Monthly Magazine.
AN EPITAPH,ORPUNNING RUN MAD.
Here lies old John Magee, late the landlord at the Sun,He never had anail, unless when all hisalewas done:The Sun was on the sign, tho' what sign his sun was on,No studier of the Zodiac could ever hit upon.Some said it was Aquarius, so queerious he'd get;But he declared nosoda-hackshould ever share hiswhet.His burnish'd sun was sol-o, soul-heart'ning was his cheer,And quaffing of goodporterlong kept him from hisbier.As draughtsman he'd no equal, his drawings were so good,And many a noble draught has he taken from thewood,—Rarespiritedproductions, with tasty views nearCork;And then he had ascoreor tworumcharacters inchalk.Above the mantel-taillee his tally it was nail'd,And though he had lost one eyesight, hishop-ticksnever fail'd.Good ale and cidersold here, oft made thesoldierhalt,And sailor Jack, his sail aback, would hoist aboard his malt;Most cordially he'd pour out a cordial for the fair,Whose peeper meant to ogle the peppermint so rare;While buxom Jean would toss off the juniper so gay,And swear it was both sweet and nice as anyshrubin May.At last John took to drinking, and drank till drunk with drink;His stuffing he would stuff in till stuff began to shrink;Tho' mistress shook her hand high, he suck'd the sugar-candy,And often closed his brand eye by tippling of the brandy.His servants always firking, his firkins ran so fast,And staggering round his bar-rails, his barrels breathed their last;And when he treatedall handshisHollandsran away,Nor reap'd he fruit fromany seedforaniseedto pay.And though he drank the bitters, his bitters still increas'd,He puff'd the moreparfait au cœurtill all his efforts ceas'd.The storm, alas! was brewing, the brewer drew his till,And Mrs. Figg, for 'bacca, to back her brought her bill.Distillers still'd his spirits, but couldn't still his mind;He told the bailiff he would try a bail if he could find;But fumbling round the tap-room, Death tapp'd him on the head,So here he lies quite flat and stale, because, d'ye see, he's dead.Literary Gazette.
BENJAMIN BASHFULONTHE VICE OF PUNNING.THE PUNSTER'S FOE.
Who's he, that from our board is running?He, Sir's an enemy to punning,A bashful foe, who loves not wit—Ergo, because he's none of itWithin his cranium; and at tableSits like the fox in Æsop's fable,Watching the grapes he'd fain devour,And disappointed, calls them sour.A laugh would decompose his metal,And like a dog, with a tin kettleDangling at his tail, he runsFrom witty wags who deal in puns.
Who's he, that from our board is running?
He, Sir's an enemy to punning,
A bashful foe, who loves not wit—
Ergo, because he's none of it
Within his cranium; and at table
Sits like the fox in Æsop's fable,
Watching the grapes he'd fain devour,
And disappointed, calls them sour.
A laugh would decompose his metal,
And like a dog, with a tin kettle
Dangling at his tail, he runs
From witty wags who deal in puns.
TO BERNARD BLACKMANTLE, ESQ.Sir,
It has just been communicated to me, that you are about to collect and publish a Punster's Pocket-Book, for the express purpose of promoting thatpernicious vice, which is already much too prevalent. As an antidote to the evil, I hope you willnot failto insert this my special protest.
B. BASHFUL.
I am a bashful young man of good fortune, who, to use the phrase of the mode, have justcome out, and made myentréinto the world with the reputation of being a gentleman and a scholar. I could wish you to notice a minor evil in society which tends to poison the springs of taste and knowledge, by bringing forward the flippant, and throwing back the reflective, speaker. I allude to the vice of punning, which tends to destroy all the profit and pleasure of conversation, and embarrass, in the greatest degree, the young and inexperienced.
It is my fate to mix with a circle of fashionabledilettanti, each of them capable of sustaining a part in rational discourse, and of conducting the intellectual conflict with some share of vigour and learning; who, nevertheless, meet together to fritter away time, patience, and attention, with a series of unconnected quibbles and conundrums. Instead of the rich web of fancy, glowing with the vivid creations of lively, intelligent minds, the conversationpresents a motley intermixture of shreds of wit and patches of conceit, a chequer-work of incongruities, the very orts and scraps of the "Feast of Reason," the dozings of science, and dregs of literature. If I relate to this group of punsters the most affecting circumstance, I am heard with impatience and inattention, till I chance unwittingly to utter a word susceptible of a double or triple interpretation. The mischievous spark of folly immediately ignites, the moral interest of my tale is undermined, and a loud report of laughter announces the explosion. The genius of orthography frowns in vain: puns are, by the law of custom, entitled to claim entrance into the sensorium either by the eye or the ear: but when a pseudo pun ("for indeed there are counterfeits abroad") is perceptible to neither sense—when read, its wit is not discoverable; and when heard, it cannot be understood: to avoid the horror of an explanation, I find myself obliged to perjure my senses by laughing in ignorance and very sadness, and thus contribute a sanction to the practice I would fain abolish. The evil is subversive of the first principle of society. Is it little to hunger for the bread of wisdom, and to be fed with the husks of folly? Is it little to thirst forthe Castalian fount, and see its waters idly wasted in sport or malice? Is it little to seek for the interchange of souls, and find only the reciprocity of nonsense?
P.S. By BERNARD BLACKMANTLE.To which complaint, I add this noteAnd sketch, by way of antidote,The glorious art can life enhance,A Pun will cause a Bear to dance,And as we here have proof,—provokeA bashful man to stand a joke.
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EXAMPLES IN PUNNING,BYROYAL, NOBLE, AND EMINENTPERSONS.THE PUNSTER'S BOWL.
The sovereign medicine of life,The antidote to care and strife—Is friendship, and the cheerful bowl,When humour meets a kindred soul:Then flows the epigram, and pun,From starry eve, to morning's sun;And Laughter, "holding both his sides,"The rubs and jeers of life derides.Then honest hearts, elate with glee,Forget the world, and blackennui;For nought like punch, and puns, can drown,The supercilious rich man's frown,Or free the heart, a prey to care,From fortune's ills and fell despair.Bernard Blackmantle.
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EXAMPLES IN PUNNING.
The seeds of punning are in the minds of all men."Addison, Spectator, No. 61.
ROYAL PUNS.
RIGHT DIVINE.
Among the few highly favoured individuals who were included in the select evening parties of his present Majesty, George the Fourth, while at the Pavilion, Brighton, was the facetious Reverend J. Wright. On one occasion the king suggested to his brother, the Duke of York, some intention he had of doing a particular act, to which the duke dissented, and his Majesty referred to the D.D. on which the reverend jocularly observed, "The king can do no wrong." Then, said his Majesty, "Fred. I shall pursue my object, for you hear I have 'Wright Divine' on my side."
COOKE AND KITCHEN.
Sir George C., better known as Col. C., was said to have had an intrigue with a Mrs. Kitchen. When the king was told of it, he said, "It wasvery natural that a Cooke should be fond ofKitchen stuff, but if he meddles with theColeshe will get out of the frying-pan into the fire." TheColeswere cousins to the lady.
A DOWN HILL PUN.
Sir George Hill, the vice-treasurer of Ireland, and a near relative to the Londonderry family, was among the visitors at the Pavilion. Dr. Tierney remarked, that Sir George was getting old and feeble—"If I mistake not," replied the king, "he is goingdown hillvery rapidly."
"HumeandCrokerhad a sharp contest last night," said the Earl of Liverpool to his Majesty, "but it ended insmoke." "I don't wonder at that," replied the monarch; "TheFireofCrokerwas sure tosmokelike Irishturfbeneath the weight of ScotchHume-i-dity."
Sir Edmund Naglesaid he wondered that the king of France did not feel offended at thesquibslet off against him in the English newspapers. "Pshaw!" said the king, "he would be a fool indeed to be frightened at asquibin London,when at Paris he is sitting on abarrel of gunpowder."
LORD ELDON'S PUNNING JEU D'ESPRIT.
In an application to his Lordship for an injunction to restrain the proprietors of the "Gazette of Fashion" from selling the song of "We're a' Noddin," the Chancellor perceiving the trifling nature of the cause, after hearing the defendant, observed, "I will dismiss both parties, by granting an injunction againstCease your Funning."
LORD STOWELL,
On a recent occasion, having taken his seat in the Admiralty Court, inquired separately of the advocates, if they had any motion tomove; and being answered in thenegative, the judge very good humouredly replied, "Then, gentlemen, the best thing we can do will be tomove ourselves."